Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-1-17

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

Bill rambles about the MMP 10 year anniversary, porno sausage and Washington DC.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. It's a Monday, May 1st, 2017. What's going on? How are you? You like that? Echo! I am in my garage. This is what it's come down to. It's like fucking a quarter to seven or ten and seven in the morning. I got to go to the airport. My lovely daughter is sleeping. My wife is sleeping. There's no place in the house for me to scream and yell. So I'm out here in the garage. Oh, by the way, in less than an hour, around eight o'clock, there's people coming to my house because, well, you know, the gas line is, I don't know, 96 years fucking old. So that thing needs to be replaced because it's leaking all over the goddamn place. That's always

fun. To have a baby in your hands, you set it down towards the floor and you have to say things to your wife like, do you smell gas? So getting that taken care of today and this is it. This is where my life is at. So I'm sitting here on my workout bench that I can't use because I fucked up my shoulder. It's gradually getting better. This is the longest, most nagging fucking injury ever to try to heal, but I'm almost there. And this is how I'm going to do it, people. This is how I'm going to celebrate. This is the 10 year anniversary of the Monday morning podcast. Can you believe that? For 10 years, I have been yapping to myself, you know, 10 years I have not been reading, 10 years I've been making up shit. For 10 years, I've been saying shit that I thought was true

because I heard somebody say it in an airport. I've been doing that for 10 years. I want to thank everybody who's been listening. And I'm going to put a link to a post, whatever the fuck you guys say, it's a thing that you click on and then it goes to the video that you want to watch, which will be the first Monday morning podcast ever, which I believe was about 90 seconds long. I'll give you a little history. I was over Robert Kelly's apartment back. We still live right around the corner of each other when I was still living in New York City. And I was over his house and he was just, you know, it was typical Bob. He was just like, dude, you should do a podcast, dude. This is in May of 2007. One of the few things I've ever been at the beginning of,

podcasting and getting a special on Netflix. Those are the two things I was at the front. I remember, you know, for my intro in comedy clubs, I would say, they like, what do you want to say? Oh, say he's been on this, he's been on that. And you can see he might have seen his specials on Netflix and the hosts would say it and people would snicker. They'd laugh in the crowd. They'd laugh at that credit. Well, now look at it. Huh? Look at the, the fucking world dominating behemoth. You know, there's oil companies now that look at Netflix like, God damn, how the fuck did you do that without firing a shot? How the fuck did you do that? Right? So Netflix, Netflix and podcasting. You know, if I was, if I was on an oil company, I would,

I said, I would do, I'd start coming up with some original content. You know what I mean? And just make the show so amazing, you know, that the stars would then go over to those countries. And while everybody was fawning over the cast of the reboot of friends, I would then run around the corner and I would start stealing their oil. That's, that's how I would do it. You know, it's a lot less messy. You know, there's the excitement, am I going to get caught? Right? Anyways, back in the day. So I'm over Robert Kelly's apartment. He's like, dude, you should do a podcast, dude. And I was like, what is a, what is a podcast? You know, it's like, it's a recording, dude. It's another way to connect with your fans, dude. Who

knows, dude? Now people listen to it. Next thing you know, you're doing a stress factory Tuesday to Sunday, dude. And I'm literally just fucking around on it. And I actually, I called it, if you listen to my first podcast, you listen to the link, I actually said it. I said, uh, this is my podcast. I was basically repeating everything that Bobby was kind of yelling to me in the background. And, um, and I called it. I said, uh, and who knows, maybe this might lead to something mediocre. And you know what? It took might have taken me 10 years, but God damn it, I got there. Here I am sitting here in my fucking garage. This is not some sort of cool reverb that you're listening to. This is me in my garage. Um, you know, what's amazing though is I got to tell you something.

I don't know what it is. It's, I'm such a cliched guy. I fucking love the garage. The garage is the shit. You know what I mean? It takes you back to being a single man when you barely had anything. Cause I have one of those fucking garages, by the way, I was not going to be the person that had the garage, right? That like you buy shit and there's no more room for the shit in your house. And then you take some other shit that you used to like and you stick it in a box and then you stick it in the garage, right? And gradually it starts encroaching on the car. And next thing you know, the car can't be in there and it just fucking fills all the way up. Well, you know what you're doing? You're slowly becoming a fucking hoarder. That's one of the saddest things.

I actually, you know, I can't understand whether it's sad or whether it's, um, you just taking responsibility for, for all the shit that you're buying your life, you know? I guess anybody can take it down to goodwill. Anybody can throw it in the trash, take it to the dump. It takes a real caring human being, a real caring human being to just sit there and in all the fucking shit you bought your entire life, every fucking newspaper, every tube of toothpaste, just sitting there suffocating in your own fucking carbon footprint. You know, I just realized, you know, we shouldn't be looking down at hoarders. We should be looking at these people going like, holy shit, one human being,

one human being can buy all of that shit in a life. It's not even a lifetime. They're still living. You know, you can have that many pets, fucking fish tags, newspapers and all of that crap. I don't know how it happened. I'm sitting there looking over right now, you know, my neat little fucking garage. I got like two different brooms. I got this old fucking mop. I don't even know where that thing came from. I think it came with the house, you know, and I've been meaning to throw that thing up. But where does it end up? Huh? Fucking in some beaver's house, some stupid mop handle sticking through his little fucking thatch of a roof. Those things fast, by the way, I got those giant goddamn teeth, fucking horse teeth.

Dude, it's so they can cut through the back dude. Anyway, so it's been 10 years and I'm actually, you know, I had people on Twitter send in some of their favorite moments, which I'll be reading later if I could somehow get this fucking computer to work while I'm out here. Yeah, so anyways, let's get on with the podcast. I didn't know if I even said it. Thank you guys for listening throughout the years. Thank you to everybody who's advertised on the podcast, whether you like the read or you didn't, whether you got upset and said that I'm never going to advertise again, whatever. It was, it was fun. I had a lot of fun. So here's to the next 10 years. I'm still not going to read, right? I don't know. Whatever. You know what I like though? I'm a buck

76 right now. I do like that away 176 pounds. So I'm roughly the fucking weight I was. That's probably a few pounds lighter, but I got to get down to it. I got to get down the end of the month. Next month is my birthday. I want to be like 170, 171, right? And you know what? I get down to that weight. I get down to that weight. Guess what? Then I'll be happy. Oh, then it'll fill the void. You know, when I go on, I put my little fucking Tiger Woods golf shirt on, even though I don't fucking golf. Anyways, is that fucking guy ever going to win another tournament? It really bugs me. It really fucking bothers me that there's a bunch of broads out there that think the reason why he never won another fucking tournament was because of the bullshit of his personal life.

Give me a fucking break. His body broke down. That's what the fuck happened. This guy's a champion. Do you understand what the champion can do? A champion can block anything out. If you see these guys going up trying to hit the fucking free throws, everybody just waving their hands, screaming a bunch of shit about the guy's wife. What does he do? Nothing but net. Nothing but fucking net. You know, this guy can't handle a little spat. He gets hit with a golf club. He jumps in his Escalade and he hits a fucking rose bush and all of a sudden all of that talent goes away. I don't know. I don't buy it. I think, and I think the reason why some women, some women, look at me, being a little measured in the next 10 years, some women, the reason why I think they

attribute it to that is because, you know, I think that they want to buy into that whole fucking thing is behind every good man is a good woman. You know what I mean? Which is so fucking stupid, right? Obviously, if you have a happy fucking marriage, your life's going to be all right. But that's just another fucking, you know, everybody's always stealing credit. I always thought it was a Hollywood thing until you get into a relationship. Everybody's fucking sits there. Oh, now I'm laying down. There you go. Now the back's better. Now the fucking back's better. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Did anybody watch the Formula One race from Sochi in Russia? That's such a weird name, Sochi. That sounds like more like,

like a Chinese or a Japanese Vietnamese Sochi. That does not sound like Russian. That sounds too happy to be Russian. But I have to tell you, it was a fucking, that's a, what a gorgeous city that is, huh? You know what I mean? I mean, Russia scares the shit out of me. I grew up during the end of the Cold War. So I just figured you're going to go over there in a second. If you have any sort of, I don't know, American shit on it, it's just, you know, I remember being in Finland, being in this cap, and it blew my mind how close I was to Russia. It's like, well, I can't believe I'm this, you know, far East into Europe. And I asked the guy if he'd ever been there and he started telling me about Moscow, how it was, you know, a little dangerous after five,

you know, and I'm just like, I just did the math in my head. It's like, all right, this guy's saying it's a little dangerous. Finland beat Russia. Finland defeated fucking Stalin. Okay, Stalin, who's those fucking people ran over the goddamn Nazi army with their Mercedes Benz fucking tanks, right, their Porsche jeeps. I can't name one fucking Russian car. All right, just the sheer will and toughness of those people. You know, you ever hear those stories of them fucking, they're running around in their socks in the middle of a Russian winter, just running the fucking German army right back to Germany, you know, or where else would the German army people go back to? Well, they could have retreated back to Poland. God knows they fucking

took that over, right? So I'm thinking, you know, taking beat these guys, Jesus Christ, how the fuck would they lose to Finland? You know, that's the championship match right there. That's Cleveland versus the Warriors. Finland. I mean, I was looking at them like, all right, that's the fucking Warriors versus, I don't know, the Phoenix Suns. But the, I don't know, they fucking beat, they fucking kicked their ass. But what sucked for them was at the end of the war, when Germany lost, Italy fell and all that shit when the Axis powers lost, they were on the wrong side of the fucking table. So they went down with them. It was like a co-op, you know what I mean? Like if you pay off your shares in the building, you're like,

all right, I own my apartment. It's like, no, you don't, you own shares in this building. But if everybody else goes belly up, the whole fucking thing is done. And then you lose your shares, you have to go back to renting your apartment, or you have to fucking leave. That's what it was like. And that's what happened to them. They paid off their shares in the building in Italy and Germany, went fucking bankrupt. And next thing you know, that was it. And they had to give away like the southern part of their fucking country or some shit. They had to give away basically the stadium in which they won the game. They had to give that to them. I'm pretty sure that's what the fuck happened. So anyway, so I'm sitting there going, this is the, this is

the DNA that this guy comes from. And he's telling me that after five, it gets a little fucking scary. These are the people that fucking, you know, looked old, Joseph Stalin in the fucking eyes, you know, fucking kicked his ass. They were like, we're on fucking cross country skis, cross country skis. They beat these sons of bitches. And this guy's nervous. So I was just like, wow, it's got to be a scary fucking place over there. And then I'm watching the F one race on Sochi. Right. And it was fucking beautiful. It looked like a Ron Howard film starring Tom Hanks. You know, you had a beautiful city in the background. You had it went into a forest and you had mountains and little snow caps on top of it. It looked like a postcard like when they

take a postcard of Los Angeles, you know, like once a year, it's clear enough where you can take a picture of the downtown LA skyline and then see snow cap mountains in the background, right? Cause they always say that, you know, you can snowboard in the morning and be surfing in the afternoon. And if you're in LA, you're looking around going, where the fuck can you snowboard? It's cause you can't see. You can't see through all the fucking pollution. So anyway, so I'm watching this goddamn race from Sochi, right? And I gotta tell you, F one, F one figured it out so far. Four races in another really exciting race. I don't know what happened. They made the tires 30% bigger and all of a sudden there's more fucking grip, but the downward force, all this shit that

they talk about before every frigging race. I don't know what happened, but all I know and Ferrari made better cars. Now all of a sudden it's, uh, at least you got two teams racing for as opposed to last year or was just Nico and, uh, Lewis Hamilton. So anyways, congratulations. I hope I say speaking of Finland, I hope I say this guy's name, right? Mercedes Benz, tier two driver, the upstart, the Tom Cruise and days of thunder, right? Voltaire Bultas. I hope I said that right. He's like one of like nine Finnish drivers to ever win a Formula one race. So congratulations to him, drove a great race. Sebastian Vettel from Ferrari, second place, Kimi Rakanin, Rokenin. Kimi Rakanin, Ferrari came in third and then Lewis

Hamilton came in fourth. I could tell you right now he wasn't happy. You know, he wasn't happy. That guy doesn't give a fuck if his car doesn't work. He doesn't get, he'll fucking run his own teammate off the fucking track. That's what I little I know about that race. All I know is if he's not winning and his teammate can win, he doesn't give a fuck. He's not getting out of the way, you know, he just doesn't give a shit. But then he also wins. So whatever. So I guess that puts, the fuck says name. I always fuck it up. Sebastian Vettel is in first place. He's got, I think he's got two wins and two second places. So you get 25, 25, 18 and 18. So that's 50 and 36. He's got 86 points. And I think, you know, I'm in the garage dude. I don't know the

fucking internet. As far as I remember, I think Lewis Hamilton has one victory, two second places and a fourth. So that's 25, 18 and 18. Oh, Jesus Christ. What's that 61? 36 and 25? Is that 61? I'm going to say it's 61. And he's got a fourth place. What do you give a fourth place like 15? I don't know. He's got like, I don't know. We'll say 76 or some shit. I don't fucking know. All I know is it's shaping up to be a great year. And for whatever reason, even though I have German blood in me and no Italian blood, I actually, I'm rooting for the Ferraris just because last year was it got boring Mercedes won every fucking race. So it's good to see Ferrari back. And by the way, shout out to force India. I think they came in eighth and ninth of six and

seventh my fault for having the balls to have pink cars out there or fuchsia, whatever you want to call them. You know, they've been like my, my other team, like I want to see one of them win a race this year. I want to see a pink car win a fucking race. It's just funny to me. So anyways, I don't even know where the next race is. I would look it up usually, you know, if I'm not fucking laying on the floor of my goddamn garage, I would know where the next, the next race was. I know there's probably a lot of you going like, Bill, why the fuck are you getting into this? First of all, it's a great fucking sport. Second of all, it doesn't take a lot of time to watch. There was 52 laps. That's it. You can very easily add that, you know, to whatever sports you're watching. I'm

telling you, even during the NBA and the NHL playoffs, because I fucking watched everything. You know, I watched the St. Louis Blues right this weekend. I watched them win an overtime game two. I believe it was game two. I watched so much shit this weekend. I watched the last two games, Anaheim versus Edmonton. Amazing to see Edmonton like all of a sudden looking like, wait a minute, these guys going to be the Western Conference champions, the way they were playing. And all of a sudden they got the old right there, Fred from the fucking Ducks and Edmonton, one of those weird series where they're three games in and the home team has yet to win a lot of children going home crying during that series so far.

And I hate to say this as a Bruins fan, but fucking Lucic, he looks right in that uniform. And I got a feeling he's going to stay there for a while. I don't know what kind of contract he's, he's, I don't know, signed up there. But Jesus Christ, he's looking like the old Lucic, just a fucking force of nature. Remember when he would like fucking bring it over the blue line and he sort of had control of it, but he didn't. And he'd sort of just be kicking it in. And once somebody else is trying to like fucking stop him, you just give him a little fucking forearm, the guy would fall down. He'd pass it over Bergeron and he'd score. I missed those days. Anyways, been watching that. Of course, I watched the Celtics fucking wizards.

Oh, the old sports rivalry that most of the sports world does not realize is a fucking rivalry. These two teams hate each other, but you know, the deal, it's all about the fucking Golden State Warriors. It's all about the Cleveland Cavaliers. And so no one's really paying attention. All right, no one's paying attention to these two fucking people. You know, it'd be like, you know, you got the Rolling Stones and the Beatles and everybody's like, oh my God, they're fucking amazing. And then meanwhile, Herman and the Hermits doesn't get along with the fucking Partridge family. I don't think we're that bad. I'd like to think that we're not that bad. But anyway, so the first game, like to give you a

little bit of a background for whatever stupid reason earlier this season, the wizards were like, we're going to dress all in black when we play, you guys, because it's going to be, it's going to be like a funeral. I was like, oh, Jesus. Is that what you're going to do? And then what are we going to do not try? Are you going to try extra, extra hard tonight? Fucking wizards, right? So even with that stupid little fashion statement that they made, they still beat us. So, but not because they wore black. They beat us because they scored more points. So anyway, so we're getting ready to go see them. We're getting ready to play them. And my buddy, Josh Adam, my is from the goddamn comedy gym. And from the comedy gym, they had to

clean it up on a comedy central. We decided that we're going to go down to a cigar bar and we're going to watch the fucking game together. He's a big wizards fan. And, and he's a, he's a shit talker, right? So he's been talking shit, you know, because I think they won this. I think we beat him like once and they beat us like three times. I can't even remember. And he was talking all this shit. And at one point they were ahead of us in like the rankings. They were number two. We were number three or something like that. He was just talking all of this fucking shit. So the game starts to garbar doesn't open till 11 game comes on at 10. So I'm sitting there watching the fucking first quarter, they go up two to nothing, then it's five to nothing, seven and nothing, nine to

nothing, fucking 12 and 16 to nothing. In case you missed the game, you don't have fucking sports center or whatever, 16 to fucking nothing to start the game. And you know, the game is, it's over. If it's any sort of a legitimate sport, this game is over. And I gotta be honest with you, I will never like 100% be able to believe that, that basketball is not fixed. I don't understand it. I don't understand how one team can spot another team 16 points. You end the first quarter, one teams on pace to score 120 points or some shit. And the other teams on pace to score 20, like 75 or some shit, right? Or whatever, 80 points or something. And somehow just, it's always, it's a game of runs that I don't know where they started like

16 to nothing. And then we go on like a fucking 25 to eight run. And somehow the scores tied over up by like two at the half. I don't know, I went, I drove to pick them up and then we, you know, went over to the cigar bar. So there's a lot of chit chat going on. And by the end of the third quarter, we were up by 15. We were down 16, nothing. 36 minutes of basketball later, we're up by 15, a 31 point fucking turnaround. Like do you remember when the Bills came back against the Houston Oilers? This basically that that happens just about every other game in the NBA. I don't fucking get it. Oh, it's a game of runs. It's a game. Is it? How does one team come out ice fucking cold? The other team can't miss. And then like,

like I've never had a set where I go on stage and it's just like I'm on and then all of a sudden I'm off and then I'm on again and then I'm off. That's what happens in basketball. So we're up by 15. Josh is losing his fucking mind. He's standing up. He's pacing, which is hilarious because it's a cigar bar. It's supposed to be like totally chill. He's fucking pacing back and forth. He's slamming down fucking slices of pizza, you know, like doing like stress eating and I'm just laughing. I was just going like, Josh, it's the fucking NBA. This game is going to be like, now we're going to do the fourth quarter. And because the third quarter ended, the switch gets shut off and the other one gets flipped on and what this is going to be a fucking tie game.

So what happens fourth quarter starts, the fucking Celtics can't score a bucket for like the first four minutes. And next thing you know, like the wizards are down by three and Josh is sitting down again and I'm just laughing. It's like, how many fucking NBA games do you have to watch? What you really do if you just want to, if you really get into the games and you feel like you're going to fucking die a thousand deaths, what you should really do is just watch the last two minutes. God knows that takes as much time as the first fucking 46 minutes. Just watch the last two minutes because it's going to be like a fucking three point game anyways. And whatever the ebb and flow and then somehow the Celtics pulled away again. But I got to tell you, it's going to be a fucking

brutal series, brutal series. And I think Jay Crowder might get kicked out for one game. There's going to be some sort of physical altercation. I don't know what's going to happen. I've been looking into my fucking crystal ball. I don't know who it's going to be, but somebody's going to get fucking kicked out of the game, get suspended for a game because these fucking teams hate each other. And you already started to see it happen a little bit in the first game. I just, they just don't like each other. But I got to tell you something. I actually love that John Wall guy. I love when Josh showed me this fucking, whatever the fuck, Instagram picture or something like that. I guess a couple of years ago, they lost to the Atlanta, the fuck are they, the Hawks, the Atlanta Hawks?

Yeah, St. Louis Hawks, the Atlanta Hawks, right? They lose to him. And one of the guys on Atlanta, you know, had a picture of them in the final seconds of winning. And John Wall has a real sad look on his face, the due to postive, it's real happy. And then there's another Atlanta Hawks looking at John Wall, laughing at him. And I guess John Wall didn't forget about this. So when they beat Atlanta, he posted a picture of him, you know, doing a crossover and the guy who posted the picture fell on his fucking ass. I love people that hold grudges like that. I think that to be great, you have to be like that, which is why Eli Manning is such a fucking enigma. You know what I mean? I swear to God, like if you saw that guy in the most in the final two, two minute

offense of a Super Bowl, his heart rate is the same as somebody at a fucking bake sale right outside a church, you know what I mean? Oh, hey, thanks for coming out. Oh, look how big your kids are getting. That's where his heart rate is. You know, I swear to God, they should just, you know, those dockers he's always wearing with the fucking sweater tucked into them, they should just make a uniform just to completely psych out the other team. If I was the Giants, I'd he'd have like a special pair of football pants, they'd be the same color as dockers, he'd still have the pads and shit in them, but you know, some sort of dad jeans. So anyways, I think the Celtics Wizards is going to go. I think that's going to go seven. And I think it's going to be fucking brutal. I think the

Wizards win the next one. And then I think we split down in DC, I think it's just going to go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. They're that evenly matched. And I don't know what I always forget the guy's name that fucking Polish Transylvanian dude, the white dude with the shaved head whose entire body is as fucking hard as the top of his goddamn head. I mean, that guy looks like he could have played like fucking professionally could have played like at least three different sports. Fucking placement, some gigantic fucking tight end. You know, he's his body, he's like fucking white LeBron. I know, I know I'm going on a limb there, but I'm telling you, that guy is a fucking beast. I was joking with Josh, going his dad, that fucking grew up in Eastern Europe, his dad

probably fucking beat him with one of those fireplace pokers, right? We're all laughing, I was sitting there going like that, that can't be the name. There's got to be a different name for the fireplace poker. I'm just saying what it does. That can't be the name. And I looked it up, and that's exactly what it's called. Fireplace poker, that's the best they could come up with. They couldn't come up with some widget name. You know, even with like the ladies, they got that thing they put in their hair, somebody came up, what's it called? It's called a phlobe. A what? Yeah, a phlobe. The fuck is a phlobe? That's something you stick in your hair, makes it do a couple of whoop-de-doos. I don't know what I'm talking about. Let me do,

let me read a little advertising here, and then I'll talk about what a sad time it is to be a Washington D.C. fucking sports fan. Jesus Christ, all the fucking crying these Cleveland fans did. Do you ever see a city cry as much as they did? Oh, it's so fucking miserable. I mean, maybe they did that in Boston back when we weren't fucking winning, but I always hated that shit. I remember a long time ago, ESPN did this whole, they wouldn't have some trial. Like, who has the more miserable fucking sports fans? Cubs fans or Red Sox fans? I remember sitting at home laughing going, dude, I don't want to win this. You want to be more, who the fuck wants to be the most miserable? You know who? Those fucking, the kind of person you don't want to run into in a goddamn bar.

You know, I'm going to sit there and just talk about how life fucked him over. Sorry, anyways, let me read some of this advertising here. Oh my god, it's that time, it's that time of year when you can say, I got to get something for my mother. Pro flowers, everybody. Talk about how being a mom is often, often a thankless job in Mother's Day is a chance to show your appreciation. I think that's talked about enough, isn't it? It's, you know, I want to see if they have that copy for Father's Day, that it's a fucking thankless job. Let me take something right now. All right, this is difficult. A job as being a mother is your fucking babies are obsessed with you. My daughter barely looks at me. She's just looking at me. She smiles like, Hey, there's

that guy that I kind of know. But my wife walks in the room. She just like, she just follows her all around just looking at her. I'm like, Hey, Hey, other parent, other parent over here. Yo, yo, you know what I mean? You know, like when you're at the game and they're throwing free t-shirts into the crowd, right? And you're standing up and then there's a group of fucking hot chicks and shit, like, like you're getting a t-shirt doesn't stop you though, you still stand up fucking flailing your arms. Never happens. So evidently, for some reason, being a mom is a thankless job, even though everybody always talks about how important the job is. There's not one presidential election that doesn't go by where they don't talk about it. Everybody's always saying, you know,

mothers are saints and all of this type of shit. You know, what do they say about that? They say nothing. It's like we're both on the same record label, but only their album gets hyped, you know, when our fucking do nothing managers going like, Yeah, you promised us at least one billboard. East of fucking vine, you know, you can't even give us that. But evidently, I have to do it again. Oh, Jesus, you know, you just can't fucking thank these divas enough. These mothers out there. Is there anything worse than when you listen to a woman say she lost herself in the relationship, you know, and then you find it, you know, it's one thing if you just, you know, if you don't have kids, but if a woman says that and they have kids right there, you know what,

terrible mother, she deserves no flowers. But the rest of you ladies, listen to this, when you send the 100 blooms for mom bouquet bouquet, whatever, from pro flowers, this mother's day, you will make a real impression. Oh yeah, now your mother's going to love you. But listen to how they work in the sibling rivalry into this. These fucking people have no shame over their pro flowers. It comes with a free glass vase for just 1999 pieces of shit, plus shipping and handling. And if you really want to make a statement, you can upgrade a premium to a premium vase and include gourmet chocolates for just $10 more gourmet chocolates for 10 bucks. Okay, choose the delivery. You want to buy this F one car for fucking $11? Is this the wheel of fortune

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like this is the one thing you need to get your mom. It isn't. This is like at least the thing you got to get for your mom. This is a great accoutrement to something else. I do it every single year. It's nice and fucking easy. And you know what? Your mother loves flowers. You know why? Because moms are dreamers. They believe they believe that their husband's not going to come home hammered. This is the time. Angela's ashes. He's not going right to the pub. He's finally going to take my kid to the doctor and figure out what that fucking eye infection is. You guys ever read that book? Angela's ashes? Jesus Christ. You know, you thought Charlie Brown had it bad trying to kick the football fucking poor bastards waiting for their dad to come home with the money?

Never came home. Went to the ghost, you know, spoiler alert goes to the pub every fucking time. All right. Sherries, berries, everybody. Talk about a mom you really admire and why. Well, wouldn't that be my mom? I'll tell you, as much as I love my mom, there's a mom down the street. She just has those intangibles. Mother's Day is coming up and Sherries, berries. Was that like some politically correct thing? Like talk about your mom. Well, what about, what if the podcast mom's dead? What about that? We want to fucking avoid that shit. Mother's Day is coming everybody and Sherries, berries is offering huge freshly dipped strawberries starting at 1999 plus shipping. And right now you can double the berries for $10 more. Pick your delivery date and

these berries are guaranteed to arrive fresh and delicious or your money back. You may think you've seen gourmet dipped strawberries before. You know what? I got to tell you, there's a lot of things I think during the day and that was not one of them. I don't even know what they look like. I don't even understand why they taste so good. Who the fuck figured that out? God bless the person that did because these things are delicious. I will tell you that. But you've never seen anything like these. Sherries, berries are huge, sweet, juicy and covered in decadent toppings. Chocolate chips, chopped nuts, white milk and dark chocolatey goodness. Jesus, this is getting gross. Sherries, berries are an unexpected gift that will put a smile on

mom's face. Holy shit. Did you drop 20 bucks on me? That was unexpected. Surprise. The mom in your life was Sherries, berries at her office slash workplace. You can't send chocolate covered strawberries to your mom at work. Everybody's going to think she's having an affair. The only way to get this amazing berries deal starting at just 1999 is to visit berries.com. Click on the microphone on the top right corner and use my code burr. That's berries, B-E-R-R-I-E-S dot com. Bravo, Echo, Romeo, Romeo, India, Echo, Sierra dot com. And my code burr, when you click on the mic, this amazing deal, it won't last long. And Mother's Day is right around the fucking corner. So be sure to order now. I believe it's like May 14th this year. So if I was you, I would just

knock this out right now and then wander into a mall and find something else that you can get her. You know what I mean? A fucking Dutch oven or some shit. What does she do? Does she cook? Do people even go to malls anymore? Or you just go to amazon.com. I have to go into my fucking website, go into the podcast page and clicking on the Amazon link. So I get a little do-ra-me-s at my way. Sorry. All right, here we go. Oh, look what's here. Me on D's. Getting ready for Mother's Day. Me on D's. Drop your drawers and she'll say, hey, yank up your velvety underwear drawers. Stop shaking your ass. Still think you're a male whore. Well, when you put on your on D's for Mother's Day, I don't know why I'm singing about my mom.

With me on D's. Babadabo doo doo doo. Oh, whatever. All right. Me on D's, everybody. Me on D's. You need a place to stick your chocolate-covered fucking strawberries right next to your own berries. There you go. And then fucking, there you go. Come in pelvic pumping on Mother's Day and see how she likes that. All right. Why don't you do that this year? Just fall on the fucking knife so every one of your other, every one of your other siblings can look like a great kid. All right, Jesus Christ, Bill, how do you sell underwear after that? Well, I don't know, but we're going to try. All right, elevate your underwear game to the next level with me on D's. You've perfected your wardrobe, but what about the stuff not everybody gets to see?

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from sustainably sourced micro-modal. Modal. A fabric three times softer than cotton. Me on D's, softer than soft. Luxury undies come in an ever-changing selection of classic colors. Bold shades and adventurous patterns. So you can tailor your undies to your own personal style. I think this is why Richard Simmons actually disappeared once he could start ordering fucking velvety soft different underwear every fucking day. You know what I mean? He probably was like, well, I can't wear these candy striped fucking shorts anymore. And that's my look. You know what? I've made enough fucking money. I'm out. All right. And guess what? You can save time and money. I got a frog in my throat all of a sudden. And guess what? You can save time and money each

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If you don't have them, ah, shit, it fell apart stamps.com. Everybody, you know something I use stamps.com whenever I'm fucking sending my fresh pair of me on D's out to Cleveland hilarities where I'm going to be this Tuesday and Wednesday. I use me on D's whenever I'm pouring myself out selling posters and I'm a moron. If I can figure out how to use their little device, God knows you can stamp, save your time and money, which you can use to grow your business, right? Well, do whatever you want. You know, want your favorite clip from fucking stroke or race, whatever you want to do. I can mail any letter, any package using just a computer and printer and the mailman comes and picks it up. Unlike the post office,

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that person that graduated high school and never came back to their hometown and for some reason thinks that they're a success because they didn't. You know, you know what makes you a success not leaving your hometown? It's how you treat people. And you know something that's one to grow on. All right, before I get into the questions here, let's talk about the Washington, Sad Sack, Washington D.C. sports fan. You know what I mean? After all this fucking shit about Cubs fans, Red Sox fans, fans of Cleveland sports, meanwhile, look at fucking Washington D.C. Huh? They have nothing. Nationals, they ain't winning shit. The Redskins have been a fucking joke. A fucking joke for 25 fucking years. I know what you think. Well, Bill,

they won three fucking Super Bowls in the previous basically 10, 11 years. Yeah, but you know something? They got some racist logo on the side. There was always something to take it away. You know what I mean? Weirdest thing ever. They had some black guy dressed up in the fucking Native American headdress. Maybe he had some Indian blood in him. I have no idea. Native American blood. What the fuck are you supposed to say? You know, the Capitals, how many times they gonna win the President's Trophy and get bounced out in the second round? They've won the President's Trophy three times since 2009. And every time they've lost in the second round and they've dropped the first two fucking games. And I was watching the end of this series at home

against the Pittsburgh Penguins, the reptilian ice water in their veins. Pittsburgh Penguins, who I'm telling you right now are going on and they're going to win their second Stanley Cup in a row. You heard it here. You heard it now. You play it later and you will agree with me or you don't ever come back with fucking podcast again. No, okay. No, I think they're just going to repeat. That's what it is. They're all dialed in. They got Phil Castle. They got Crosby. They got the fucking, they got the fucking Mark Andre flower, whatever his fucking name is. Theo fucking Flurry, whatever their goaltender's name is. He doesn't give a shit. He's out there fucking doing the old fucking jazz hand stop and everything that's coming. Right? Mark Andre,

Flurry. They got Gino. I mean, it's just, they're just going to overpower you. It's it. Or does Washington DC with their capitals, they rise up from the ashes and somehow figure out a fucking way to win game three. I was watching the NHL network. This guy was going off going, this is the biggest fucking game in Washington capitals history. And I agree. They got to do this. They got to the same. If they don't do this, they're going to blow up the whole fucking team. It's going to be sad. They have to start all over again. Jesus Christ. How do you not root for the capitals in game three? You got to do it. I'm going to be rooting for him. Dude, Cindy Crosby. I've been saying this for years. Cindy Crosby's backhand has more fucking

velocity than most guys forehands. Most guys wrist is in the league. It's fucking insane. Thank God, you know something? God bless his mother for raising him right because I'll tell you right now with his backhand, thank God he knows how to treat a woman because if he didn't, Jesus Christ, he would make OJ look like a fucking Cub Scout. All right. So game three is coming up. Definitely check that out. And with that, here's some of the people's favorite Monday morning podcasts moments, MMP moments. That's what Andrew wrote. Oh, we should have like the little big guy smiling kids here. Douchebag of the week, Brad. Remember that? Don't care enough to find the link, but when Nia gave white people credit for creating the jug instrument, it was incredible.

That was funny. Oh, then the classic member granny fucking water. That poor bastard's probably still getting weird looks. For those of you who don't know what granny water was, this guy was playing some fucking game. It's kind of seemed like it was old made. But you didn't want it like if you played the granny water card, you fucked everybody else in the game. So it came his time to play it. And he's with his girlfriend. And they're playing with the parents and out of nowhere, for whatever reason, he decides to give them the Monday morning podcast and throw in the F word. And when he played the car, he just went granny fucking water. And there was just dead silence. And then he tried to have to sit there and explain it to everybody. It's granny fucking water

listener story from last year, I think. Another one, granny fucking water. The infamous Rose Bowl story had me in stitches at work. That was the time when we had put together our greatest hits. We really got to do that. That was the first Rose Bowl that we went to when we stumbled in there. And I fucking lost my balance. And there was an old woman in front of me. And I had to like, my forearm was in her back. And she was kind of leaning forward. And I was just sitting here going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And no one helped me up. Because it was so horrified by the condition I was in. And the only way for me to get up was I had to push off of her, folded her in half. Oh, God, I always get this weird like feeling in my stomach whenever I hate that I did that. But I

did. I apologize to whoever's grandmother that was. But I mean, whatever, she's a little more flexible, you know, she enjoyed the last, you know, third of her life, maybe. Another person Rose Bowl story with Joe Bartnick, the old lady who kept getting angry and calling her husband to threaten you. Mark, no, she wasn't an old lady. She was younger. And that was the time she made fun of Joe Bartnick's nose, saying he had a big nose. And he just looked there and said, you need to lose about 30 pounds before you talk to me, bitch. And I was just like, Oh, God. All right, we're getting kicked out. And then she said, she's like, Mark, did you hear what he said? Right. So the guy turns around to square up with Bartnick. Bartnick just looks at him and

he's as big as a fucking Pittsburgh linebacker. So the guy takes one look at Bartnick and then starts fucking yelling at me and start threatening to throw me down the field. Yeah, you fucking pussy. Yeah, you go right past Bartnick and you go to old fucking bald carrot top. All right, I'm a new listener. He's his favorite moment. You asking me how she's so loud wearing slippers. And she's saying that's why she's angry with you. That's love. There you go. All right, another one, you answered a question about a parrot like three years ago that had me crying, laughing at my job. I got in trouble. I'll try to find it. I love how vague these are. This is just as vague. Oh, this person like the for me, I just feel the Kardashian,

like the Kardashians could literally watch a baby starve to death. And then they would be crying, you know, fanning their fucking eyeliner. So it doesn't, you know, smear going like for me, I just felt so sad because for me, it has to be that or the Kobe 11s. Oh God, Kelly Olenek and those fucking Kobe 11s was the worst thing I ever saw. When you said Corey Feldman was the Lee Harvey Oswald of the robot. Oh, I had to pull over. I was laughing so hard. I don't even, that doesn't even make sense to me anymore. Anyways, let's see, don't blow it. Keep it simple. Count your money. I don't even know what that is. When you did the ad for DraftKings, one guy won $1,000. One guy's given hand jobs for rent money or something like

that. Oh yeah, that's right. I called that thing out for fucking being legalized gambling. What else? TCU, come on frogs. Dude, I called it barefoot bitches. There's too many to remember. I'm still working my way through the older ones. This is really making me feel good that you guys remember all this shit. Alright, here's another one. One of the best moments was when you told the story of going to the basketball game and they kept playing that. Everybody clap your hands. That's right. And it was all that crazy shit going on. Oh, everybody loves this. Read old zip. Nature's Box. Yeah, I fucked that one up. I called it, it was Nature Box, was the name of it. I thought it was like possessive. Nature's Box. And I was like,

you're going down on Mother Nature? Needless to say, that was one and done read and a full refund. Some point we should put, I want to put together all the fucking one and done reads that I've had under the clip. Didn't make a dime off those cunts. Alright. Oh, the Monday morning podcast. Nia, did you, Nia, did you hear about Paula Abdul? She was like, what? I was like, she's a former backup dancer for the Lakers and now a big pop star. She thought she died. I did it better the first time. Anyways, when you told Nia about not checking out, funniest thing ever. Oh yeah, when I don't check out at hotels, I just walk out. I'm done, done with you fucking people. When you compared Harry Truman to the guy from Shawshank,

am I being obtuse or your last DraftKings read? Alright. The Charlie Murphy one. No, yeah. Yeah, that was, that was a sad one, but a happy, happy memories. The Yoko Ono rant, strawberry pubes. That's from the, the Joe Rogan on it read. Anytime you talk about cool cars, anytime you lean away from the mic and yell ladies, we're all human. Some of us are good. Most of us are cunts. Oh, the big tears, big tears. When Nia cried in, where were we? Italy. I didn't know how to comfort her. I just kept going. I was hugging her and she was crying. She had like the biggest tears coming out of her eyes, like just falling on my hands like raindrops. I was like hugging her from behind, you know, she, she hit her head. That's right.

She bent down and picked something up and there was a shelf and she hit her head so fucking hard. My, my, even my eyes like just watered like, holy shit. And I didn't know how to comfort her. So she was crying. I just, I just started reporting about what was going on. I was just going, oh, I was just going big tears, big tears. All right. As a stoner, I find your anti-weed rinse hilarious. I get so mad that I start hyperventilating the lovely Nia. Everybody. It's N, not M. It's not me. It's Nia like Nancy. Nia's story about hitting her head in her big tears, big tears. All right. We said that one. Okay. You said Rick Flair wouldn't have come up that fast. I don't even know what that is. Kobe 11's. Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? Oh,

that fucking freak from the plane. Let me see. Friends trying to get the rat out of your new house story. Is it all time favorite? Anytime there's a zip. Oh yeah. When we were renting that house, when I got the fucking kitchen redone, another fucking zillion dollars I put in this house, I'm never going to get back. The one time you were talking about those two guys eating shit while riding their skateboard and motorcycle, the skateboard or crashing is the funniest story you've ever told that needs to be an anim. Oh my God, we should animate that. He is so right. That time I saw that fucking guy in Griffith Park coming down and he wasn't dressed like a skateboarder and it was like 730 in the morning. You know, when I was walking my old dog Cleo,

oh, I missed that dog. I'm going to see her again next month. I just view it like she's in college. I still always got a visitor. I'm going to love that dog and I'm fucking going to be there someday when she takes her final breath. So I'm going to fucking be there. Anyways, yeah. So I was walking my dog and this fucking guy came by like the biggest hill in Griffith Park and he was just dressed in street clothes and it started wobbling. Oh my God, a new fucking reference here like in MotoGP, the tank slap when it starts fucking oscillating, you know, and all of a sudden they can't get it to stop. He started doing that shit and just like, I don't know, I'll try and find the clip because I was more vivid when I just saw it. It was one of the fucking most insane wipeouts and

easily could have taken over the agony of defeat in wide world of sports. Anyways, what else? How many six year olds could you kill before they took you down? You know, I was actually thinking about animating that recently, but after all the fucking psycho horrible shit that's happened in the world since I did that used to be funny, you know, and that's the world we're living in. It's not funny anymore to me. All right, Doug Flutie heckling story about a friend who takes things too far, maybe cry laughing at the gym. No idea which episode that was. Oh yeah, that was a buddy of mine who didn't know how to talk shit. I'll tell you that one quickly. Doug Flutie came back playing for the bills and we're sitting in the end zone seats and

everybody's like heckling Doug Flutie going, Hey, kill the midget. Hey, Doug, you're too small. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And my buddy wanted to get in and all the shit talking, you know, go back to the CFL and everybody's just trashing them. And my buddy doesn't know where the line is. And he also study or starters and out of nowhere, he just goes, Hey, hey, hey, hey, Flutie, I hope your kid dies. And everybody in the end zone who was hammered immediately sobered up just went like, Oh, and everybody just sat down. It's just like, dude, what the fuck? Fucking brutal. All right, which also used to kind of be amusing to me until now I have a kid now I'm just kind of like, yeah, that really wasn't really funny either. All right, Jason Martz.

I don't know what that one is. Draftkins final read. And lastly, but not least, Lee, don't wait to know where to find the link, but the one that introduced the great Paul at Paul Versey, where you guys debated time travel. Oh, that was a good one. One. That was a good one, man. All right, let me read. I got time here to read a couple of a couple of questions here for the week. All right, military virgin. Dear Bill of the war, b-u-o-r-e. I don't know what that means. I listen to your podcasts all the time. I also, from time to time, appreciate your standup comedy. Oh, that was a nice backhanded compliment. I listened to your podcast all the time and also from time to time, appreciate your

standup comedy. Yeah, it's all right from time to time. He makes me smile. I am from New Hampshire and your video tour of Hampton Beach was right on the money. I am writing to you about my best spot in the military. We are both in the service as we became friends. He confessed that he's a virgin at the age of 32. Over the past two years, since I've known the guy, he prefers to play video games and eat Dunkaroos than going out in public. Dunkaroos, what the fuck are those? He's an exceptionally funny kid and has no problem making good impression on strangers or even a lady. He just cannot reach women in a sexual way. Right now, he's stationed in Europe in good shape, has a badass job, speaks French, and is generally a charismatic guy. He has every

reason to be drowning in ladies and can even use the foreign card. But as I check in with them, he still hasn't gotten out from behind the 60 inch plasma TV. I don't know what his problem is, because he would always be bitching about wanting a girlfriend. I think he may be whacking it too much, the new epidemic. And another tidbit is that he will turn to heavy drinking, which actually helps to open him up. I can tell he's not satisfied being single and using alcohol, but will not take the initiative to break the cycle. I'm pissed because he's not using the golden opportunity to slay over there. And he's just disrespecting, and it's just disrespectful to the rest of us. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, man, he seems, I would say that he should

probably go to therapy and work out whatever his hang up is, because that could be a lot of shit that he's sitting on. And yeah, that's sad. I feel bad for that guy. You know what I mean? It'd be one thing, like some people are just naturally like loners and asexual or whatever, and they don't want to be out there. But whatever his deal is, you know, be a sad thing. If somebody wanted to find love and they couldn't find love, that guy should be crushing it. If he can speak French and he can speak English, like that France, that's your whole fucking world over there. Even if you went to England and they don't give a fuck that you can speak English because so do they. But if you go so bust out some French, bam, you're crushing that. Yes. And he's a man in uniform.

Dude, this guy, he's like fucking like three different porno fantasies for women. He's got it. What is he going to do next? Start cleaning pools, delivering pizzas? Yeah, there's no reason for it. I would tell your buddy that he should go talk to somebody about it. But it's kind of difficult if he's drowning himself in booze and it's a delicate thing. And it's very difficult to get somebody to go get help. I mean, they have to want to do it themselves. So but you're a good friend, man, because you actually give a shit. All right, conspiracy theory. Sorry, I'm rushing through this. I'm coming up on an hour and these fucking gasline people are going to be showing up soon. Conspiracy theory.

Bill, what do you think of the Flat Earthers? It's a growing movement of people who think we're being lied to about the shape of the earth. Do you think this is something you would have bought into in your earlier more intense conspiracy days? No, I wouldn't you fucking cunt. All of you guys, this is what I hate about conspiracy theory. Conspiracy theory is everybody gets lumped into the people who think the moon is made out of cheese and that there's shape shifters and lizard people. Okay, all I was saying is that the fucking Federal Reserve is a privately owned corporation, which is a fucking fact. Okay, I'll say things like I don't think that the government or the corporations give a shit about the people in Iraq because I

saw the way they treated the people in New Orleans. They don't give a fuck about them. They don't give a shit about those people over there. Okay, so I don't buy that. That's that's the level that I go to. All right, I don't take it to this. This is what I would say to those fucking Flat Earth people. Okay, okay, let's just say the earth is flat, then wouldn't all the ocean water just run off the end of it? Why isn't that happening? How do you explain that? I would love to talk to a Flat Earth person, you know, and be like, Well, why don't you guys do a startup and get yourself a little fucking rocket, go up in the fucking air? It's like, Have you ever fucking flown in a jet? You jackass, you can look out the window and see it seal, you'd see the roundness of the earth.

I don't know. But you know what? I want to fucking watch videos of it. I want to hear what they think. Flat Earthers are actually more ridiculous than people trying to believe in like creationism or whatever, believe in Adam and Eve. You know, Adam and Eve, two white people that somehow created Asians and black people and all that type of shit. I don't fucking get all that. Well, actually, you know something? Yeah, I don't. You know what I think? I actually believe with that type of shit. I actually think that I watched one of those Neil deGrasse Tyson things and he said, you know, we actually came out of trees. And I was just like, You know what? As fucked up as that is, at least I can look at a tree and be like, There it is. That is a tree. Get walked over. I can touch

it. I can climb on it. It actually made more sense to me than Adam and Eve. I mean, it's just, I don't know. I mean, if you put like Adam, if Adam and Eve was a movie and then the Tooth Fairy was a movie, I mean, I put them in the exact same category and I don't think that that's right. All right, conspiracy theory. Oh, I already read that one. India taking cash out of circulation. Oh, Jesus, Christ. Bill, just read an article about India and it freaked me out a little bit. Last November, India removed 86% of the country's cash from circulation. Most people are now using mobile payment options. And the Odyssey, I don't know what that means, also goes on to say the article. Sorry, I got the laptop on the floor. I thought that was A-T-R-C-I. The article also goes on to say

that ATM machines and bank cars would be obsolete as early as 2020 in India. Not having physical money and only using a phone for buying stuff really makes me uncomfortable. Any thoughts? Yeah, they're on their way to microchipping all of us. And once again, everybody's going to think that's fucking crazy and you can go on the internet and you look at shitheads who work for corporations that are like proud of their fucking microchip and their level of security clearance that they have. No, they're going to phase out fucking everything. There's going to be cameras everywhere. You're going to be fucking microchipped. And this is the thing. It's still not going to be enough control for them. They still won't feel comfortable that they had. That's

how bad they're fucking you over that they need to have that level of fucking surveillance on you. That's how fucking weird they are. And they want to see what you talk about, what you jerk off to, and all this shit. It's fucking beyond creepy. And I hate when something like that gets brought up on like the fucking news and all in the best the news anchor can do is kind of widen your eyes like, okay, that's kind of that's going to be interesting. And then they immediately go to talk to us about some fucking old lady that, you know, just, you know, made her own jam or some shit. That's the feel good story to get out of it. No, it's unbelievably fucking creepy. And I don't know, I have no idea how to stop it. I have no idea how to fucking stop it because no

matter what you do, people just sit there like, I watched this thing on on the news and they showed a robot talking to a little five year old kid and the robot was going like, if you put me in the closet, that would make me sad. And like the robot is praying on the fucking emotions of a five year old kid. Like that thing should be illegal. Like do you realize how fucked up that? I mean, I guess they've always done that with products, praying on the emotions of kids, but to just see it in that level of raw form, and just sit there and having this robot lying to a five year old like it has fucking feelings. I don't know, is it me or does everything seem like it's just really sped up and we're just heading right over the fucking waterfall? That's that's what I think is gonna,

I don't know. That's what I believe. Anyways, I actually, this is my theory, I believe that there's the upper 1% and that they're going to get us all microchipped. And when they get sick of that shit, they're going to they're going to sick the robots on us, they're going to take us all out and then eventually the robots will take over the upper 1%. And and not in the way you think they're not going to kill them. They're just going to be like all looking like super models. And human beings won't bang each other anymore, because it's going to be this can be way more difficult. You know what I mean? Be way more fucking difficult than banging a real fucking human being and then they will just become extinct. All right, overrated versus underrated, overrated, giving a shit.

Bill, I just turned 35, six months ago, and I realized how great life can be when you start to only care about shit that pertains to you. Oh, I thought you that doesn't be like give a shit caring about your fellow man. This is completely for me. This is the other way. I don't care about anything anymore. And my friends and family say they really enjoy my company more these days. I wasn't yoga or Tony Robbins. It wasn't yoga, Tony Robbins, no disrespect to either of them. It was apathy. All right. Maybe that's what that fucking 32 year old virgin needs underrated waking up early. I've been waking up early for the last two years and my life has changed drastically. Everything I talk about doing I actually do now and I'm in better shape

than ever because of that. Hey, you know what? I'll throw another one. I'll throw a good fucking underrated out there sausage. I got this great fucking butcher, you know, a couple towns over and I make the drive. I make the drive. That's how good this fucking butcher is. And when I go in there, all I ever looked at was the steaks. I looked at the chops, you know, the fucking pork chops, the chicken. And occasionally I would fuck with the fish, but I blew right by the sausage. I was just, I don't, I just never was into it. You know, it's weird. I'll have sausage on pizza. I'll have it in an omelet, but I never gave a fuck about it. So I was on the phone with the lovely Nia and you know, we've been going there a lot and we were kind of running out of options.

We've done all the steak shit. We've done the fucking pork chops. I don't fuck with veal though. There's no need. There's no need to do that to an animal. You know what I mean? Just let the thing run around and give it the old fucking right there, Fred. Anyway, so I was just like, I don't know, what do you want to get now? It's just, and I was just sort of, as I was talking to, I looked over at the sausages, right? And there was one that looked like this fucking giant, like black porno dick, right? So I look at it, I go, what the fuck is that? And it said it was short rib sausage with cheese. So I said, I go, Nia, you've got these fucking porno black dick looking sausages here that say there's short rib with cheese. She goes, get those,

right? And I don't know if that sounded delicious or just she's sick of being with me, but anyways, I got two of them, right? And this has really just become some big sexual thing. No, my wife did not have a threesome with them. We actually had them for dinner. I'm sorry. So anyways, we came home, cooked those fucking things up in the skillet, made some pasta, and a little bit of fucking sauce for it. And it was fucking delicious. And now, now I'm all about it. Now I'm just thinking once again, I want to, on the big green egg, I want to learn how to fucking make pizza, right? Maybe just cheat, get the fucking pizza dough, I can make a good enough sauce and get some fresh cheese and I'll go down the street,

get the fucking porno dick fucking sausage, right? Pull a Lorraine, a bobbit, chop it up, put it on the fucking, I'm sorry. You know what, underrated, you know, it's different, underrated, trying to talk about sausage and not going into the porn world. I mean, what do you want to do? Fucking lady looking at it. It's a giant fucking meat. All right, that's the podcast, the 10-year anniversary. I want to thank all you guys for listening. This podcast and podcasting in general has changed comedians lives. It's such a great way to connect with you guys, promote our shows, albeit hilarities, Tuesday and Wednesday. I've had such a great time doing this. It's actually helped my stand up and I'm going to continue doing as long as you guys fucking listen. All right,

that's it. Here's to another 10 years, some porno sausage and a zip. All right, I'll check in on you. Don't take any shit, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. All right, see you.