Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-11-15

Episode Date: May 11, 2015

Bill rambles about ADD, weird dreams and hammering.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Byrne, it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, May 11, 2015, what's going on, I'm out here in Boston and I am four shows into my 19 show run here at the Wilbur Theatre, having a good time so far, running into a bunch of people I went to high school with, worked with, I had a math teacher from ninth grade, he showed up, my algebra teacher, and I remember that year you were supposed to get a, well shit, you needed a 70, that's what you needed, you needed a fucking 70 just like my helicopter test, you needed a 70 to pass in order to go on to geometry, more math that I was never going to use in my life because I was not going to be an engineer, I had no

idea what geometry was when I took it, nobody ever told me, they just fucking you just showed up and they just started, you know, you had to memorize paragraphs about shapes, the Pythagorean theorem or some shit like that, opposite angles are congruent, remember all of that, I don't even know if it's like that for you youngsters out there, you fucking youngsters, but the way that they go into math, and you can tell right now that I didn't get the 70, the way that they go into math in fucking high school, it's absolutely ridiculous because up until then, you know, it's one plus one is two, two times two is four, four divided by two is two, it's all fucking numbers, right? And then all of a sudden you get to your freshman,

at least I did, I got to my freshman year, I'm sure if you're from Asia, you got to this in the fourth grade, but I'm a white guy, I got to it in the ninth grade, okay? I got a regular old fucking meat and potatoes, little stewed carrot fucking brain, I can't help it, all right? My ancestors boiled the food, there was no nutrients in it, and as the result, I'm five years behind an entire continent, evidently. Everything I've graded is that we have nuclear weapons, so we can actually bully people into actually thinking that we're an intellectual factor, you know what I mean? I mean, seriously, if we actually, if the world was like a fucking SAT test, we really would not be doing well. Oh yeah,

I'm dragging my whole country down with my stupidity, that's how fucking arrogant I am, it can't just be like, hey Bill, you ever think that maybe you're a fucking moron, who should I hit the books a little bit harder? No, no, I don't think that, I think I'll blame my whole country, I'll blame the whole school system, that's what you do, right? That's what you do as a parent now, when you have a little country kid who needs a swift kick in his little Oshkosh, but gosh fucking stupid, oh aren't those adorable overalls, oh the overalls are adorable, that little fucking monster in them, you know, who's never been told he's wrong his entire life and that he's special, right? That fucker right there

needs to pacify or slapped out of his fucking face, I'm sorry, I'm losing my voice already, hey, I'm losing my voice already, you know, I got another fucking 20 shows to do. That's a bit funny thing to say to some parent, excuse me miss, if you don't get that kid under control, I'm gonna slap the pacifier right out of his mouth. It's not illegal to say that, that's what's funny, it's just not everybody has like a cell phone camera and then they would fill you, like fill you, film you while you did it and then they would do the provocative to try to get you to watch the video. I was sitting on a park bench having a great time with my toddler and I never expected that or then and you won't believe what happened

next and they would just cut to me, hey lady, if you don't shut that kid up, I'm gonna slap the pacifier out of his mouth and then everybody would come at me, right? They come at me like I was the next Mussolini, you know, never, never once just going like, hey, wait a minute, the video kind of started with him threatening that child, you know what I mean? Threatening the mother, you know, to do fucking violence to the kid, that's where it started. Like what happened before then? You know, that's what they never, they never had that part in the video, they never had what happened before. It's always escalated just starts with somebody slapping a pacifier out of somebody's mouth, you know, and admittedly I watched those videos

and I go, hey, come on man, you know, at least wait till the kids like four, right? But these fucking videos, it's always starts like right there, it's like what happened right before that? You know, for all you know, that's like a video shoot. And the person's reading off like a cue card. Are you hear that hammering? I've been hearing that since seven in the fucking morning. Yep. There you go. Because I'm fucking staying with the beautiful mind right now. If I can ADD out the fucking up the goddamn trees, you know, there's one thing that's funny, people really talk about that fucking bang bang bang bang bang bang bang. I've been hearing that since seven in the morning. You hear that fucking just laying

here seven in the morning. And I'm fucking as one here bang bang bang bang bang bang bang right. And it's making me have all these fucking weird dreams. I had this one dream. You know, was that hammering that fucking hammering woke me up at seven in the morning, my first words, my first words today, where are you? Are you fucking serious? That's how I woke up. Now, you know, it's going to be a rough one when that's the first fucking thing. And I just, you know, I was going to wait till the fucking, you know, you know, the newspapers on the fucking deck were done. And you know, reading it and trying to figure it out. But I figured, you know, fuck that. I'm just going to do the podcast while the hammering

is going on. I got other shit to do fucking. So I got to deal with it means you got to deal with it. You get that one in. Oh, good. Now he's got to go cut another one. So we got a nice fucking 10. Oh, no. There it is. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. You fucking times you got to hit it before it's it. Anyways, so it was causing me to have all these fucked up dreams. I had this fucking dream that me and Nia split up. I didn't realize it in the dream. I knew I don't know when I was out drinking with some other comics who I don't even know who they are in the dream. And I woke up the next day, they like, dude, what, you know, what the fuck happened to you last

night? I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? It's like, you were doing the chicken dance with that chick. And I was like, I don't remember, I vaguely remember doing it and I was embarrassed. I don't know what the chicken dance is either. That's the weird part about this dream. And then all of a sudden I was just in this relationship with this fucking woman who I didn't want to be with. And she had this weird look on her face and she was walking weird. She had like blonde hair. She had a weird look on her face. And it was like she was walking the whole fucking thing. I was going, what am I, what did I do? I broke up with me and I got with this. She's walking weird and we're doing the chicken

dance. I want to get out of here. Now all of that came from that fucking hammering. I had that thing. And then I had another dream. I was pulling up to some department store in the hood for some fucking reason because I wanted to shop. All right. And these guys are going, Hey, man, why don't you just park right here? Why don't you park? You know, I parked in this spot and then they came up and they said, Oh, this, this spot's for our church. Why don't you go park down the street? Oh, we'll do it. We'll park it for you. I was like, dude, I'm not giving you my keys. And the next thing you know, one of them was in the car and I was outside the car. I'm like, Hey, you know, give me the

fucking keys back, right? So I go into this bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. So then I fucking go into the department store. No, Jesus Christ. It's the same fucking nail. That's what kills me. Funny if I go down there and he's banging his head against the wall, trying to get all the voices out of there. So I fucking I go into the department store and it's just this shitty ass place and there's like washes and dryers and stuff. And then all of a sudden, like five of them come in and they go, uh, hey, you know, you know, we got to move your car or something like that, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, give me the keys and I'll go, I'm not giving you the keys. And they go, why? I go, because

I'm not the white guy from Def Jam. Like, Oh, okay, here you go. Here's my fucking keys. Go move the car. I'm not moving the fucking car. Then I saw this whole part of the store that and they go, you're not going to buy anything here. And I go, there's no, I got no, this fucking store sucks. And then they showed the, where all the good clothes were. I was like, Oh, this shows this fucking store is actually good. I know it's a fucked up dream, but I got hammering in my head. It's just as I'm dreaming here. So I ended up going out and my car's gone. I walked down the street to where it is and they fucked up the fender. Now I'm driving away. No, I got in it and somebody came up with a gun was trying to

rob me. I remember I just said, go fuck yourself. And now now I was walking away and it was like this Asian cop. I swear to God, we're like the Baltimore riots playing on a TV or something. I don't know why I had this dream, right? I'm fucking walking out and this Asian cop, I'm going, you see these guys, they're going to fucking shoot me. And he said something. He's eating like this fish sandwich. And he was just like, yeah, you know, I can't fucking help you. You know, he had the white shirt on, you know, the fucking police chief. He was just like, yeah, you know, I can't help you. And then they were saying they were going to follow me. And I said, I said that I didn't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself. And then I was on Sunset Boulevard

and I drove home to a different house. And then I woke up, I woke up and I had a fantasy about having ridiculous security. And I popped up on that GPS screen and all their fucking phones as they were pulling up the street. I just yelled at them with this goat's head on said I was in the Illuminati. And they got scared and they left. That's my morning. That's what happens when you wake up to hammering. I don't know what any of that means, but I gotta tell you, it's fucked up as the second dream was the first one was scarier. Jesus Christ. Even in my dream, why don't I just say, Hey, you know, I'm sure you're a lovely person to somebody else, but not to me. I don't want to be in this anymore. All right. It is you and it's me. That's my new one. It's not you. It's me.

It's not me. It's you. It is me and it's you. All right. It's fucking everybody. Thanks to you. It's not working for all of us. The Ununited Way. So anyways, you know, I mean, think about this fucking ADD shit coming from a family where everybody sort of has it a little bit to different degrees. You know what I mean? Which just causes you to constantly be going in like a different direction every five seconds and all that type of stuff. I've actually made peace with it and I don't think it's really a big deal when I just really sat down and I thought about it, you know, is it trying to put you on medication? You're my wife one time. I was just going like, you know, they got stuff, you know,

kind of takes the edge off, fucking chills you out a little bit. And I was like, Hey, what are you fucking mind? I'm not taking that stuff. The fucking FDA doesn't even exist anymore. It's full of a bunch of people who used to work for drug companies. You got the nuts running the nut house. I'm not sticking anything in my fucking body other than aspirin. Anything that wasn't made pre 1960s, I'm not sticking it in there unless I have a terminal disease. And at that point, who gives a fuck, I'll try anything. So I actually had this conversation with that. I go, do you ever think that having ADD is actually natural? I mean, I was born that way. You know, for you to sit there and like the way that they demonize that all people,

they have problems focusing and they can't do well in school. Who gives a fuck? I didn't do well in school. I did great in life though. You know what I mean? The with the fucking schools and most jobs is what they want you to do. They want you to not be thinking, don't be fucking going all over the place. And they went, Oh, focus on this job. Focus on what job is my numbing fucking horseshit that's not fulfilling me on any goddamn level. Stack of spreadsheets. Do you think I fucking laid in bed as a child? And that's what I thought about when I dreamed someday. Oh, someday, what are you going to be Billy? You're going to be an astronaut? You want to play baseball? No, no. I want, I want to stack of spreadsheets. Here's the

thing. There's some people that are fucking into that and it gets their juices going. Those are the people who should be doing that job. I gotta admit with this fucking pilot shit. I had no idea I had no idea how much I was into reading charts and graph and stuff. And like the temperature dewpoint and that whole fucking formula, right? Subtract attempt to do point from the temperature divide by 4.4 and then multiply by 1000. I thought I'd hate that shit. I fucking loved it. Once I got it down, I started getting the right answers and I really started thinking about the genius of how somebody actually came up with that. Got my fucking brain going and I loved it. You know what I mean? Which brings me back to fucking math in high school, right?

Math in high school, how all of that shit is fucking unbelievable. They're basically beginning to make you, the math that you learn in high school, at least in my fucking country, is they're making you like a junior member of the Freemasons. You know, you're starting to learn the secrets of the universe with that math. Now, if they fucking said that to start it out, you know how fucking motivated I would have been? This math that you're now going to embark on, that shit that we fucking taught you for the first eight years, okay? That's just, you know, that's just when you go down the street, you buy a loaf of bread, you make sure they give you the right amount of change. Okay, now this shit, I should have been up there wearing like some

fucking, you know, secret society robe, dimming the lights with a flashlight under his chin, right? Just to kick it off and just be like these, these formulas we are about to show you, showing like a video of like the fucking big bang in the solar system and all that shit being made, the math you're about to embark on. All the mysteries of the world up until this point, the mysteries that we have unraveled, the answers to all of these mysteries will now be at your fingertips. They'll be in your mind, they'll be in your soul, right? I would have fucking aced that class. If you just fucking walk in day one and you write your name on the board and you start throwing the alphabet in words and with numbers, you know, old freckles in the back of

the class, I just shut down. I was like, what the fuck is this? What is this? I don't get this, I feel stupid. I know I'm going to make the people around me laugh. So I needed a 70. I needed a 70 to get through this motherfucker, right? And I ended up getting like a 68 and I was a douche to the teacher all year, bad move, bad move when I'm coming up there with my lack of a hat in my freckled hands. And I'd like the 68 or 69 I was right there and he didn't give it to me. And I went to summer school. And I was just like, oh man, the summer is going to suck. I had two weeks off and then immediately I was fucking back into, into summer school. And then I got to summer school and immediately it was the best time I ever fucking had in my life.

Because summer school is filled with a bunch of class clowns, musicians, artistic people, people with fucking ADD and people who fucking hate authority. It was, it was one of the great classes I had ever been in. They just, I meant, you know, I thought I was funny. I got to those classes. I was, I wasn't even, I kept my mouth shut. I couldn't even keep up with the level of funny that was in those fucking classes. And, and then just the balls that the kids had, truly found kids that didn't give a fuck. It's probably the bad crowd. But you know, something, if you take what you learn in that, with that attitude, if you apply it to the right areas of life, it actually can work for you. If you apply it to the wrong areas, you end up in

jail. So, you know, you got to kind of navigate those fucking waters. You know, if you know, if you're a natural reaction to somebody coming in going, okay, can you settle down? Can I have your attention, please? If you're a natural reaction is, is fuck this guy? That's not exactly a bad thing. You know what I mean? It's not actually a good thing either. You just got to know when, you got to know when to say fuck this guy. Oh, who is this guy? Or why am I listening to this guy? I think you should always think why am I listening to this person? Unless, you know, you're on some hike through the forest and you were some goddamn ranger and there's a grizzly bear. And he turns around and be like, okay, listen, this is really critical. You know, then you listen, you know,

be like, who the fuck are you to tell me? Dude, I know it's a fucking bear. So anyway, is that fucking ADD shit? If you have ADD, don't let him put you on fucking medicine. I'm really going like, was it Suzanne Summers that got in trouble? It was one of those blondies. It was the chick from the MTV thing, right? She said a bunch of stuff where she, you know, didn't really do her homework. What was it on autistic kids? Right? Or was it Tom Cruise talking about psychology? I think I'm doing this right now. You know, what's that? Is that the phone ringing? Oh, Jesus, there's the phone, phone's ringing once the hammer stops, then the phone goes thousand, one, one, one thousand, two, one thousand, three, one thousand rings. Come on,

give me four over under, I say six before it's picked up. Come on, five is five. It comes a push ties, lose ties, lose is six, seven for the win. Come on, seven. Come on, you seven. Yeah, we got a winner. I'm going to wait till this is done. There's somebody downstairs sitting right next to the phone too. That's the funny thing. Anyways, yeah, that whole fucking ADD thing where it's just like, all right, you got to look, you got to, you know, you need to calm down. We, you know, you need to focus. Maybe you're a different kind of person. You don't need two years of a fucking language and go through all of that bullshit. Hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer.

Unbelievable. Unfucking believable. Constantly fucking places under construction. I don't think I've ever been here where it's not under construction. It's a beautiful mind and it needs to be occupied. Let me go build some shit. Hello, do you know me? Sure, we all do. I'm that person hammering at fucking seven in the morning. How the fuck do I get out of this? Sorry, hold on a second, close. Close and save, close and discard. These fucking Apple products, they always got all these questions. All right, let's read a couple of ads here for this week. Oh my God, here we go. Me undies, me undies, pull them down in a bathroom stall. Take a dump and maybe a piss. Look what you're doing or you're going to miss, but it's not your fucking toilet. Somebody else

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Bank, bank, bank, bank, bank, bank, bank. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Anyways, if you'd like to do that, that's what you can do. All right. And then the fuck else was I talking about? Where the hell was I going with this? Oh, yeah. On the Thursday afternoon podcast, Monday morning podcast, just before Thursday, I was ranting about the Tom Brady thing, which I cannot believe they're actually going to, the rumor is he's going to get suspended for two games for pure speculation. I love all you guys too that show those text messages like that's damning information. I can't tell what they're talking about definitively and neither can you. All of this would be laughed at a court. But the thing is, this isn't a court, it's a corporation.

And what they really, what corporations really give a shit about is the opinion of the base level mouth, breathe and fucking moron, because that's the guy you get the most fucking money out of. That's the dope that shows up to the game, dressed wearing everything but helmets and cleats, goes down to the pro shop and buys all the stuff and paints his fucking face, moron, fucking mom, I'm the fucking biggest fan. Oh, look at me. I'm a fireman. Put me on your shoulders. Even he fucking woke up. Even he woke up after a while. So this is fucking stupid. It's not worth it. But those are the people, those are the same people that call in sports, talk, radio, and all that. The fucking NFL is going to base maybe he could have probably, but we can't prove

it report. He's they're going to base the suspension on the crowd's reaction, the base level mouth, breathe and moron. So basically, if you make enough fucking noise, they're going to suspend this guy for absolutely fucking nothing. You know, I don't know if he knew. I don't know if he didn't know. And that's to say, everybody can say the same thing, but I can tell you this, what he, what he did, if he even fucking knew is, is the, it's the equivalent of fucking, he played with a hockey stick with too big a curve on it for about a period and a half. And then after that, with the regulation stick scored 50 fucking goals, but you're going to be like, Oh no, no, fuck his whole career.

And all that comes down to is you fucking cunts hate the Patriots and you hate the fact that they're fucking winning. It's the dumbest shit ever. And I'll tell you this though, but this is what you're going to do. If this is, if this is the standard that you want, okay, I will go with it and you can call Brady a cheater and the Patriots a cheater, but then we're going to go through the whole fucking league. And this is just the shit that I know because I got shit from some fucking stealer fan, right? And I'm like, really? Well, if we're just going to go on Circumstance 11, it's you have a sex offender at the QB precision, two times sex offender that we know of at the QB position. And also Terry Bradshaw admitted to doing steroids along with a bunch

of other Steelers in the 70s. So you're no longer six Berg, you're fucking two times, two times, two times sex offender, two times Super Bowl champion Berg. You want that? What about Jerry Rice who admitted after his career that he used to stick them, that wasn't quite legal. It wasn't fucking legal. So there you go. What did he went three titles with the 49ers, those are out and the 49ers are all cheaters. You can go around the fucking league. This this shit in the league that you don't even fucking, there's been no evidence. You know why there's no evidence is because the other team that lost was never such a fucking pussy like Jim Ursay that they launched an investigation. Do you think that you can't do this to every fucking team on

every game? If you looked under every fucking jockstrap, you wouldn't find something. Let's look at the Dallas Cowboys in the early 90s. The head coach was Jimmy Johnson. Bank bank bank bank bank bank. Jimmy Johnson from the University of fucking Miami. Okay, basically a low security federal fucking prison. That's what their football program was when he was running it. Then he goes to dad, the Dallas Cowboys, aka a Coke Den slash whorehouse of a fucking franchise. Their owner has a facelift. His face is a lie. His face is cheating right out of the gate. The first thing you fucking you're telling me if you didn't look under a couple of those cheerleaders skirts, you wouldn't have found something. Give me a fucking break. I'll

tell you, right? If this guy gets fucking suspended, this is an absolute goddamn fucking travesty that you're going to do this tar and feather, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and arguably the greatest head coach of all time with this cunty fucking pussy shit. I can't, I don't even, I think I won't watch professional football. I'm just going to watch college football this year. If this is what happens, if because of a bunch of fucking sore losers and mouth breathing fucking morons complain enough, I swear to God, I really think it's because all that Ray Rice shit. You know what I mean? Oh, they didn't get it right. We got to get it right. Ray Rice knocks out his fiance and the guy, all right, two, two games, two games,

suspension, why don't you cool it out there? You know, you know, come on, man, we can't have this. We can't, you know, they fucking talk to him like Henry Hill when he had his goomar, you know, they came over, come on, you got to go back to your wife. Okay, we can't have this. This is ridiculous. All right, come on, you can't be staying over here. You got to go back to Karen. That's how they treated him, right? Then all of a sudden the video came out and they were like, oh, wait a minute, we, uh, we meant, uh, we don't tolerate that and, uh, get out of the league, get out of the league because we're so fucking pure, right? It's all fucking bullshit. It's all bullshit, right? And then fucking, uh, then what happens is goddamn fiance,

who should have left the guy? You know, that's probably, that's probably grounds to be like, you know, it's really isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship. She goes, but she forgives the guy. Why did she forgive him? Cause he gave the apology of the fucking universe because he makes a zillion dollars a fucking year. Do you think if Ray Rice was working at Midas muffler, the forgiveness happens? I don't think it does come in home every day smelling like fucking exhaust. I don't think it does. It's all bullshit. That stupid pink shit that they're making a zillion dollars off of. You guys go out and buy that fucking those pink jerseys and you think you're helping out cause your grandmother died of fucking breast cancer and you find like one half or one

half or one fucking percent actually goes to the cause to raise awareness, not even to fight the disease. And the rest goes into these fucking owners pockets. Do you see that shit about the troops? Whenever they advertise with the fucking, uh, the flag and all that, you're thinking, wow, the NFL's supporting the troops, the military's got to pay for that. You guys are talking about a cunt hair out of a fucking ball. Somebody said this weekend said, if he actually did it, he should have just said, like, yeah, man, I like, that's what the fuck I like him at gives me a little better feel. You know, I didn't think it was that big a deal. And then you combine that with the fact that ESPN did the

study and showed it was actually a disadvantage. And you combine it with the fact that when he had the regulation fucking ball, he scored. He fucking killed him even worse. It's a fucking witch hunt. You tar and feather in this guy. And you know what? Go ahead and fucking do it because that's what sports fans do. It's like New York sports fans, New York sports fans, you know, all they bring up when they talk to Boston fans are the two giant victories over the Patriots. So you couldn't beat the Giants, though, could still bring in that shit up. You know, it's like, I don't even bring up the fucking 04 Yankees. Do I do that? Do I bring up, uh, you know, the fucking Celtics got 17 championships? Do I fuck it? The only time I ever do that is if a Nick fan comes up to me and gives me fucking

shit, fucking New York fans sitting there ignoring, hanging their hats on two fucking wins and fucking ignoring the absolute carnage, the roadkill, the sports roadkill of the other fucking eight teams, the other eight teams in your fucking state, roadkill, fucking roadkill to the point they shouldn't even be in a fucking league. Horrific. Absolutely fucking horrific. And even your crown jewel, the Yankees, they blew a three games to none league. So even they got a fucking big splooch of mud in their face. Fucking unreal. Not fucking real. I got to listen to Verzi all fucking week this week talking about how telling Boston fans how the fucking Giants beat the

fucking Patriots. It's just like, really? Are we still talking about the fucking whatever? Hey, you know what? Good for you. Good on you. Did you win two? Well, we won four while winning three World Series of Stanley Cup in an NBA championship with four teams. I will take that. I'll take those two losses all fucking day long, all day long. But anyway, so this past Thursday, so I was fucking ragging about this Brady shit as I just, as I just did. And I don't want to hear anybody giving me any shit about that. I continue to talk about this because you cunts are continuing to talk about it on the other side, towering feather in my fucking guy. So I'm going to stick up for him here. So anyways, other than the Brady thing, last Thursday, the fucking lightning were

up three games to none against the Canadians. And the fucking capitals were up three games to one against the New York Rangers. And all I was thinking was, well, at least before that was thinking, all right, well, if the Rangers and Canadians win, they play each other. So they're going to knock one of them out. So now I'm down to just one, you know, and then hopefully the Ducks or the Blackhawks will finish them off, right? But all of a sudden it looked like Tampa Bay was going to win and the capitals were going to fucking win, you know, and they were going to get done away within the semis. Oh, that would have made me feel great. And then what happens? Canadians win game four. All right, to the Canadians, they got that fucking pride,

they got that tradition. You think you're going to sweep us? Go fuck yourself. All right, come on, Tampa. Finish them off in five. They fucking win game five. Well, they have to game six right now. So game six is tonight. Game six is tonight. And I'm going to tell you right now, Tampa, I swear to God, Eisenman's got to be down there. He's got to be down there. He's got to give him a speech because if they lose this one, it's fucking over. You can never say it's over, but it is fucking over. And I actually think I think I'm rooting for the capitals, but I think the ranger series is over. I think it's fucking over the fucking goddamn capitals, man. They just can't get over the hump.

You know, you know, it's funny was I really agreed when they got rid of their fucking coach there. I didn't think he was the right guy. I can't remember his name because of the B. Now he's with the Ducks. Guess I was wrong, huh? They're looking like the favorites. So anyways, it's actually going to be, I think we're probably going to be looking at two game sevens. You know, as much as I root against the fucking Canadians in the Rangers, it's actually exciting to watch a team come back like that. And then also it's fucking extra hockey. You know, so it's kind of a win-win. They either fucking dispose of them quickly or get to watch more playoff games. You know, God knows I got the time as a Bruins fan.

God knows I got the fucking time. So anyways, I'm in the middle of this run here in Boston, which is really a fucking amazing thing. And I want to thank everybody who has come out so far. I'm really not taking this week lightly. You know, this means a lot to me that all these shows were added and everybody comes out. And it's really cool that I started my career 23 years ago right across the street. Oh, actually right across the street now is the W hotel, but it used to be an empty parking lot. And you could actually see Nick's comedy stop. It was great. They had this, they still have the sign and it lights up. It's just blocked by the hotel now. So you can't fucking see it. And they're actually down to only two shows a week,

which kind of makes me sad. But I got to tell you, I'm like one of the few guys I know that the original place where I started actually still exists and is doing comedy. That's pretty good 23 years in. And I did so much stand up in this fucking state. You know, it was Mother's Day yesterday. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and took my mom out to brunch and all that and met some of my other relatives and stuff. We all met at this restaurant and I went in there. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, I did stand up in this space. It wasn't this restaurant, but it was something else like fucking 20 years ago. And then the place right next to it used to be like a ground round or a spaghetti freddies or something like that. Nice to stand up

in the basement of that. All these fucking memories coming back. You know, great memories, some sad, you know, I always think about Patrice when I come back here. He's always fucking, I used to swing by, you know, I'd go a blue hill lav and I would turn he lived down on where did they live on Seaver Street in West Roxbury. I used to go down there and I'd pick him up. We drive over. No, did I used to pick him? No, he used to go into the clubs and then I'd meet him in the clubs and at night I'd give him a ride home. And so just thinking about all of that shit and all the fucking, I don't know, man, it's been, it's been one of those things. And I've just a bunch of people that I went to high school with and I've been showing up, which is always great.

You know, and fortunately, I had a really, you know, some people, you know, dude, I hated high school. I hated my fucking grade. I didn't. I loved high school. I hated the academic part, but I came a really good, cool grade. And fortunately, everybody I've run into is doing really well and they're happy. And what's really cool too is they seem the exact same. I ran to a couple of kids the other night, not even kids now, shit, we're fucking mid 40s. And it's crazy. Everyone that I run into for my grade, it was just like, you know, 25, 27 years in some cases have gone by. You just pick up right where you left off, talking about, you know, they got kids or whatever they're doing. And then you just start talking about all the dumb shit

that we did. Had a couple buddies of mine come in last night. And I'm not going to name the name of the school, but he was, he had this, I'll tell the quick version of the story. All right, it's the late 80s. Appetite for destruction is just catching on. People are playing the fucking cassette tape. We're at this party. Two of my psycho friends, one of them's gone now, rest is sold. They go to go upstairs, you know, to go to a different party. All right, they both leave fucking 10 minutes later, they come back, one of them had a flat top, he had a fucking gash going like almost like someone tried to part his hair by splitting his scalp. He's got this fucking four inch gash on top of his head. And the other guy's got a separated shoulder and a fat

lip and we're like, what the fuck happened? They're like, Oh, you know, we just walked into this party. We said, Hey, is this a party? And they just started beating us up, right? So this fucking mob goes up the goddamn stairs. Right. And we, you know, we're going up the stairs all drunk. And we hear the party. And the biggest psycho out of all of us knocked on the door. And, and the person in the side goes, Hello, and he goes, Hey, excuse me, is there a party in here? And the fucking dude opened the door and then it just fucking bedlam. I'll never forget the sound of that because it was all hardwood floors. It was like fucking would appear to be 20 on 20. Everybody throwing fucking haymakers and blah, blah, blah, blah. Long story short, the fucking smoke clears.

And I'm kind of looking over at the people we were fighting and it's like six guys and six women. And there's a board game that's fucking all over the place. We went to the wrong party. They were in there playing like risk or something. And then 20 drunks came in. Just wasn't 20. It was like, I don't know, it was like eight of us. And I don't know, the real party was upstairs. It was funny was the kids upstairs. They actually sued my friends because what they said happened didn't really fucking happen. So we were talking about just all of those days. There's so many funny details of some of my friends and I don't want to share them all with you because I'm afraid someone else is going to steal it and

put it in the script because there's a couple of details in these guys. Verzi's always like, dude, that's fucking hilarious. You got to put that in something. But so we were just talking about all those old days. And oh my God, this guy got mad at the other guy and he threw a keg right through his fucking windshield. I got arrested for drinking and driving because I was trying to get home to the fucking Patriots Rams game. That was when I got pulled over. I remember the cop pulled me over and he said, where are you coming from? I said, ah, fucking Boston. He goes fucking Boston. You want to get out of the car, please? What a shit show. I remember when I had fucking was trying to put my finger to my nose it from fucking eight to 12 went good as far as the arm movement.

But when I went 12 to six, it felt like somebody else's hand just came down and slapped me in the head. And he goes, you want to turn around and face the car and put your arms out and try to stand on one. He was just trying to get me in the position. He just fucking cuffed me. That was bad. It was bad and blew a one nine, you know, thought I had the two thought I had the two. All right, let's do some little more advertising here. That's good. Fucking convicted drunk driver. Here we go. Let's do some advertising here. And he's not even talking about the dangers of it. All right, legal zoom, everyone. Are you the next world famous entrepreneur? Or maybe you don't care about fame. You just want to help people, whatever your motivation. If you're

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portion of the program is over. Alpha fucksakes, what happened? I, you know something, I absolutely fucking 100% hate computers. I had all my questions, what happened? What does it mean when you click on it? Oh, there it is. There it is. I like how I was just going to ask you that, like you could answer me on a recording. All right, fed up. Hey, Bill, saw a great documentary called Fed Up. A few things they talked about sounded like stuff you, but you'd mentioned on the podcast. I was wondering if you've seen it. It focuses on the dangers of sugar and the addiction that most Americans have. Definitely check it out if you haven't. No, I've read enough, read, I even read, I mean read a little bit, but I mostly watched a bunch of documentaries and I've pretty much found

that they're, they are, they're right on, they're very accurate. But I tell you, it's very difficult to try to eat food now that has not been tampered with on some level. And I try to be empathetic to the people that grow the food thinking like, well, you know, if you got to feed seven billion goddamn people or whatever, 300, whatever there is in this country, though, 300 something million, 400 million, you know, you're going to need some pesticides. But, you know, I'm trying not to talk on my cell phone anymore with it up to my head. I don't go through that airport security where they fucking use that, you know, x-ray light thing that they're using. I don't go through that thing. I just, I don't fuck with any of that stuff. I try to avoid

that as much as I can while all the time drinking way too much and occasionally smoking a cigar. So I'm the typical fucking hypocrite, where in this room, I'm talking holier than now and then in the other room, I'm a fucking devil. So I don't know. I, I, I recommend that people watch that stuff. You just take what you can from it. Maybe you think it's total bullshit and you keep on eating Twix bars and fucking, you know, whatever the fuck else you want to eat, you know, have at it, whatever it's your body, whatever you want to do, but I'm not going to be that person wagging your finger going, we need to stop these people. They're poisoning fucking people. You know, I let somebody else do that. Somebody else wants to fucking lead the march down the goddamn

road. I'll be there. Well, I, I don't know. I have no idea. Oh God, Henry Jackson would fucking slap me in the face with his powdered wig. All right, girl with no name. Hey, big balls, Billy. I was in New Orleans for jazz fest last weekend, man. And I met an absolutely gorgeous girl. Wow. That's already a great story. Went to a music festival and one of the great music cities, probably the best music city in the goddamn country. Relax, Nashville. Um, and you met a beautiful woman. That's awesome. I like this already. This is a movie I'm watching first 10 pages. I'm in. We immediately hit it off last Saturday and had a phenomenal night together in the French quarter. The next day we exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes as she lives in California and I'm in

Florida. Uh-oh. This entire, this entire last week, we've been texting nonstop to each other and I'm beginning to fall into the first stages of love with this gal. The problem is I do not remember her name, but she has used mine repeatedly. Oh fuck, dude. We both enjoy jobs where we have, where we travel quite a bit. So we are planning on having a George Clooney slash Vera for Miga, I don't know, in up in the air type relationship. We were planning on meeting up in New York on Memorial Day week. My problem is I don't know the best way to figure out what her name is. I feel like straight up asking her name at this point would make me come across as a total douchebag and risk jeopardizing the relationship. Dude, if that means at some point in the French quarter,

you've already forgot her fucking name. Oh God, fucking, oh my God, this is making me feel nervous. Also, I am afraid that continuing using pronouns as I have him will get me in trouble sooner than later. When this happened in the past, I would just tell the girl to add me on Facebook to get her name that way. However, I was forced to delete my Facebook account in my previous relationship, a move I am regretting more and more each day and any help on a suave way I can attain this girl's name without coming across as a chauvinistic asshole wouldn't be much appreciated as always. Go fuck yourself. Well, there's nothing chauvinistic about forgetting the name. And why did you have to delete your account?

What happened? Hell, that's no fury. What did you do? Did you do something? Because I would just say, well, why don't you just add your account back up again? This is what you should. Did you guys already talked about it on Facebook? Just text her and say, oh no, you can't say where where's your account? Should be it's under my name. This is what I would do. Oh, Jesus. I would add. This is what you fucking do. This is what you do. Just create an account under a different name, like your nickname or something stupid, you know, and you can just say like, ah, you know, I just think sometimes the social network things are a little evasion of like, you know,

an evasion of privacy and just. Oh, man, I don't know. This is tricky. Should be like, well, just add me. It's under my name. Do you know what my fucking name is? Oh, boy. All right, guys, we're going to need some fucking help on this one because I'm failing miserably. The only thing I can think is get back on fucking Facebook. But when you get back on Facebook, she's gonna be like, well, why don't you just go over and fucking add me? Is she on Twitter? Ask her what a Twitter handle is. There's got to be a way to do it through social media. I really feel at this point that I don't know that you can fucking ask her what her name is. It's too fucking long at this point to ask her what her name is.

And also to be honest with you, the fact that you had to delete your account, you know, and you've done this before in the past, you sounded me like you kind of out there crushing it. So I really don't feel too, too bad for you. And also you probably just from a couple of details in that whatever the fuck you did. I don't know, dude. I mean, who the fuck did you date Glenn Close in fucking, you know, you got cheese on your nose, whatever the fucking movie's called. The attraction fatal attraction, right? Who's getting who dude, you fucked around on the other girl. And then she just was saying you're a cheating piece of shit. That's what I'm guessing. And then you had to get off Facebook. That's what I'm guessing. Right. So

you did that you fucked her friend. Dude, fuck this other girl. What did you do? I want to know I want the second installment of this. What did you do to get kicked off of Facebook? No, you had to take out your account because of a previous relationship. Huh? I can tell you right now, dude, I don't know what the fuck you did, but you're never going to be able to run for political office until you address this part of your life right now, sir. All right. But other than that, I would try to maybe somehow through fucking, oh, Jesus Christ. How do you do it? It's gonna be fucking drunk rummaging through her purse when she goes into use the bathroom.

Oh, God, you know, I would judge you if I hadn't done all of that. You know, all right, best athletes. Billy boy. I tried that boxing workout that you talked about on the show. Run for three minutes, then rest for a minute. Oh, now run for three minutes. I said skip rope for three minutes and rest for a minute for 12 rounds. Kick my ass. Thanks for the tip. In your opinion, what sport has the best all around athletes? Best all around athletes? You know, I don't know. I think they're all fucking on me. I'll tell you, as far as physical condition, I would hockey players are. Have you ever seen we were talking about that comics come home?

I forget who said it. I want to give it the comic credit. I can't remember who it was, but it wasn't me. It was another comic who said that says you never see a fat hockey player, and it's fucking true. And if you ever played the sport, you know why you just don't. It's just it's one of those sports where it's just you just burning so much calories. You have to be in such unbelievable physical condition that you, what is that sound? Was that a bird? It was a fucking bird outside making this weird noise. Every time I inhaled, I thought I had a problem with my chest. No, I heard it again. What is that? Is it the bed? Are you guys hearing it? Is it in my head? Am I losing my mind?

Anyways, the. I don't know. Those UFC guys are fucking unbelievable. Boxes are unreal. I have no idea. Jesus Christ, what a shit show that fucking Pacquiao Mayweather fight was, huh? Everybody's flipping the fuck out about that thing. Verzi's convinced it's fixed. Listen to the Verzi effect this week. He sits there going like, dude, you can see it. Like when Pacquiao puts his head down, I'm sitting there going, well, you don't think he put his head down during the press conference because everyone was bitching that they got fucked over on the fight and he was embarrassed.

I don't think that automatically means that that was fixed, but hey, I like a conspiracy like anybody. So anyways, all right, how the fuck do I get out of this? Let's just fucking go on to the next goddamn question. I'll read this thing. I swear to God, I think I'm making that noise when I breathe in. All right, in love with the lesbian. Oh, you fucking romantic fool. Hey, Bill, saw your show in Memphis and I just wanted to say you fucking killed it. Thank you. I drove all the way from Arkansas and was stoked to meet you and get an autographed poster. Well, thank you. Anyways, I just wanted to get your take on my weird situation.

There's this girl I've liked since I started grad school and we've known each other for four years. She's fun, intelligent, kind and in my eyes, at least beautiful. Well, why'd you have to fucking qualify it there? Thing is, I found out early on she didn't play for the team. I thought she didn't play for the team. I thought she did. I was devastated. Soon after that, the woman she loved died and she's still taking care of said woman's kids from a previous relationship. Since then, I've moved away. I've tried a bunch of things to try and get over her. You know, the usual shit, Jim,

bury yourself in work, go after other ladies. I visited her intermittently in the past four years. Well, that's not good for you. And I can't seem to stop caring for her. Would love to hear what you would do if you were in my situation. Thanks again and go fuck yourself. I think you just have to deal with the fact that you're in love with someone that's not going to love you and you need to move on and just keep doing what you're doing. Keep going to the gym, bury yourself in your work. I wouldn't bury yourself in work. Who the fuck wants to work all the time? But yeah, instead of going after other ladies, why don't you try to go find one that you have

something in common with? All right? Like if you had to make a list right now, somebody you would looking for to spend the rest of your life with, I don't think being a lesbian would be on that list because she's not going to get with you unless, I don't know, she feels like living a lie, right? Or at some point, you know what I mean? She's going to go get her hair done. What would I do? I would have faith in the fact that you're the right person is going to come into your life. I would stop with the visits because that's just, you know, that's like going back and hitting the crack pipe. You know, you're fucking Charlie Brown,

trying to kick the football again, you fucking land on your back and you get back up. What are you doing? You know, I would just, you know, I think if you want to fucking meet somebody nice, you have to start living a nice life yourself. You know what I mean? Like what's funny is, you know, you see these dance clubs, baby, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, nobody meets their wife or husband in there. You know, fucking roofie central, you know, everybody on fucking drugs and glow sticks. I mean, you just got a bunch of fucking, you know, either immature or damaged people in there. You don't put a baby in that. You don't accept somebody's fucking goddamn

baby batter. That's disgusting. You just get the fuck out of there. Okay. You don't meet your wife, you know, in black light. I would, I don't know. There's a lot of stuff that you can do in your 20s to actually meet a great person that you never really think of doing because you think you got to go out, you want to go out to bars, you want to do all that crazy shit, get it out of your fucking system. But if you actually, you know, I don't know, join like some sort of league, play sports, or do some volunteer work or something like that, you're going to meet a great person, you know, or a fun person, stay out of those stupid ass fucking clubs that every, every mouth

breathe that goes to, you know, the kind of people that are going to get Brady a two game suspension for a cunt hair of a fucking unbelievable who the fuck weighs the balls. Can you guys just set aside your hatred for the Patriots? Can you just set us that aside and then just sit there and on any fucking level as a fucking man, admit to what the level of crybaby horseshit that that is. I'm fucking believable. I'm fucking believable. I'm trying to think of anybody that throws a ball that doesn't doctor it. Every fucking picture does every quarterback does, they scuff them up, they do all kinds of fucking shit to get

them where they like it. Little fucking little English on the goddamn ball. They all fucking do it. Every goddamn one of them has got a fucking ritual or how they like their football. Do you honestly think that the reason why you didn't make it to the NFL was because the ball wasn't fully inflated? The next time you play a pickup game, why don't you let it let a little bit of air out of the ball and all of a sudden it'll magically go everywhere where you fucking want it to go. You'll be throwing like Tom Brady. It doesn't even fucking make any sense. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh my god. This will make you guys non-patriot fans fun, happy. I will never get over this. If they fucking tar and feather him over this fucking

horse shit. And then I want all of you cunts who support it rather than being pussies on the fucking internet. Come out to my show or whatever. You don't have to go to the show just afterwards. I really want you to look me in the eye and present your argument as to why you really fucking feel that that like gave him an advantage. I really want to fucking know why, like what fucking advantage and you'd be going against an impartial scientist because ESPN hired the person. And God knows ESPN is in the game of sensationalism. They didn't want that guy to fucking come up with a study that said it wasn't an advantage. They wanted it to say it wasn't advantage. And you know why I know that is because they're completely ignoring the fact

that they had that study done on their own fucking network. Oh, I'll tell you it books me, you know. All right, dilemma. Your podcast and stuff. All right. So here's a dilemma for you. Would you rather spend a year in jail? No. Having to sleep in the same cell cell with a gay fellow named Mandingo Jones. Jesus is that the most hackiest fucking thing ever? Well, I tell you, I'd rather have a gay cellmate than a fucking angry straight one that wants to fucking, you know, you just feel like the gay guy would be a little more gentle, you know, he's been there before he's got some technique gross. All right. Or would you rather become a piece of shit banker? Dude, that's not, that's not a dilemma.

I've fucking become a banker. Then I'd be a mole and I'd fucking rat everybody out. Even then I couldn't, I couldn't fucking rat people out. I'd just be going like guys, you know, remember that day? Remember David Spades bit when he used, when he was imitating Michael J. Fox and come on, let's not rape this girl in Vietnam, whatever the fucking movie was called. It was like, guys, you know, what are we doing here, Sarge? Like that's what I would be that guy. I mean, although there's a part of me that would like to be sitting in on those meetings, just to hear what the fucking, just to hear what they said. You know what I mean? How they present. Do they literally present it like let's do something illegal? Or do they use other words

where everybody just realizes what they're presenting is not exactly within the boundaries. And a little game and ship gamesmanship and banking. I wonder how they feel it feel like, you know, although I got to tell you 2008 was definitely spy gate when it was fucking, you know, when it was fucking, you know, whatever the fuck they did there, when they artificially overinflated the prices of the house, this $40,000 house is worth fucking 90 grand. And you know what, you make $9 a month and you're qualified for a loan. Anyways, whatever, Patriot anti-patriot fans, you want to fucking give a ship for spy gate, I'll take that all day long. They shouldn't have done it. It was, it was cheating. They should

not have done that. All right. The league wide memo telling everybody to stop doing it. And the arrogant cunt continued to do it. I think he was guilty of arrogance. I think he was actually cheating. I think he would have used something a little smaller than some giant news TV thing, fucking standing right there in the goddamn sideline. But if you want to say it's that, then you know, fine, if you fucking guys want to act like your team does not do stuff to get a competitive fucking edge, think about all the guys who are barely in the fucking NFL, barely in the fucking NFL. And if they fucking get cut, they're going to go to bag and goddamn groceries at a fucking gelsons, you know, or even worse of Vaughn's or a roach brothers, right? Or, or,

you know, they could maybe do a little something, maybe grab a jersey here, maybe put a little sticky stuff on their gloves, little fun. I'm not talking about Royds here. Not talking about Royds. All right. Brady got busted for doing steroids. Fine. Yes, you're cheating. All right. Absolutely. But if you're talking about little little fucking, let's do a little this, do a little of that, each fucking play. If you're gonna fucking call that cheating, I mean, you're really going to, you're going to fuck, you're going to fucking kill everybody in the league. I would say that's what I would say. I know you're fucking sick of it. You think of my Patriots fan? I am. And I'm definitely fucking biased, but I think I'm right as do you. So what

are we going to do here? Agree to disagree? Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful week and I'll check in on you on Thursday there.