Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-12-14

Episode Date: May 13, 2014

Bill sits down with the great Dough Stanhope.

TURN ON THE FOOTBALL Traditions and customs, I don't mind. As long as you love me, you can't see me. Passe, Prince or Ifte? Chocolate and eggs. All in the promo. So I'll get my lips on it. I'll take two, no man, no way, with the Eric. Pass us here, I'll pass. Ramadan or Berek?

Enjoy passing and Ramadan with the surprise and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And go to the second episode on www.weerldinhetklein.be. That's the nice thing about Albert Heijn. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 12th. What's going on? I am here at the All Things Comedy Podcast Studios. Doug Stanhope is going to be here, hopefully, in a couple of minutes.

Doug had a late night last night at the library. He was doing some research. A lot of comics like me just go on stage and we just, you know, as we call it, shoot from the hip and the subtext is that of that is we don't fucking read. And, uh, oh, look who's here. He's here. Doug actually researches. Doug Stanhope researches all of his jokes, making his way into the studio. What's up, brother?

Look at that giant Dr. Seuss looking flowers. They stink of booze and cigarettes. Oh, they do. Have a seat. Welcome. Well, right on time. I don't want to show up in this condition, but... Put on your headphones. Let's do this. Let's do this. What's up, my friend?

Is his mic on? Check, check, test. I don't hear it. I don't hear it either. Ah, Jesus. The All Things Comedy's, uh, fucking microphones. Check, test. Hey, there we go. Dude, good to see you.

My manager put the top down in his car and as soon as I put the top down, I could smell the booze coming off of you from the street. Oh, I don't smell it, dude. You're fine. I was just telling everybody that you were out at the library researching, just doing, making sure, you know, when you go to tell your jokes, that you have all your facts in order. I do.

Absolutely. You want to check. You are one of the few. Occasionally, I'll find some bullshit where I don't want to find it. And I don't fucking, I'm telling the joke anyway. No one's going to know. But for the most part, I want to be right. Is it anything worse than when you have a joke you love

and then after the show, an audience member comes up with actual facts that completely ruins your whole point of view? My most downloaded bit is about winning pussy on a bet. Back in the 90s, and it was a Red Sox twins game. Excuse me. And yeah, I got the numbers wrong. Mo von didn't hit a home run. He hit an RBI, some fact checker went back and found the game

that I go into detail about, and it wasn't a home run, but it's already recorded. I can't take it back. Oh, it crushes you. Yeah, yeah. All right. I was a bit wrong, but the fucking Red Sox one and Bobby Barnett fucked me. Well, I love, I just love the fact that somebody can go back

and find the goddamn game. Like, then just, just to be a, what kind of a, who would care? This is Brian Hennigan. He's my filthy uncut Scotsman manager and my ride. Yeah, we met when you were doing the Wiltern. You were in Roden when I came down there and hung out. Well, what the hell did you do last night? I tried a podcast with Marilyn Manson at his house.

Okay. Last night into today. We have four hours of unusable footage. He's very open about, you know, the, what we were partaking in. Dude, I want to hear this. Is it okay to, to what? No, dude, I was asking him. I'm like, yeah, I don't want to get you in trouble.

I can put this out and he's like, yeah, I have no problem with it. I get a text message on the way here. You can't put that out. Oh, okay. Well, then let's not talk about what happened. So you and Marilyn were playing board games. You got a little lost in it. Yeah.

Monopoly, one of those Parker Brothers ones that just goes all night, you know, as it does. And Bingo was supposed to be here with me, but she took some of that board game home with her enough to put her in a catatonic state. Okay. So I woke up after four hours of sleep. She's, we're in an Airbnb.

The owner comes in, he's talking to her, excuse me, excuse me. He's some Israeli guy and she won't even look at him. She's that blown out of her gourd. She actually was the one who texted me back this morning when I texted your phone to make sure you were still coming. She actually said, hey, Bingo here. That's how I know. Yeah.

She texted me. Sorry, I answered your text to Bill Burr, but I just took a pot candy. Well, that's probably not good on top of everything else you've done. Now you're taking medicinal marijuana when you're already psychotic. Dude, when is this TV show coming out? I want to watch this.

You was funny. This week would be, yeah. I am on, I'm on the exact opposite road right now. I'm getting ready to do a special. So I have been a fucking, other than cigars, I've been a fucking choir boy. And dude, I feel great. I'm two weeks behind on the podcast.

So I kind of hate being here. Why? Because I'm not caught up. Oh, no, no. And I want to open by apologizing to your listeners, because if you're any type of fan of the podcast like I am, I fucking hate it when you have a guest. So I'm sorry for being here.

Oh, no, no. Come on, dude, you're talking about playing board games with Marilyn Manson. My fans are liking this. I hope they are. I don't want to speak for them. I'm sure there'll be one douche on the Twitter, shaking his head or her head.

Always, always one guy that ruins it. But yeah, no, I said, I go this, I'm such an anachronism right now. He's got a Lexus convertible. I'm in a leisure suit with a head full of cocaine racing here, just making sure I don't forget flowers for Nia. Yeah, your sweetheart, right there. Why would the listeners not like you?

Dude, I gotta tell you, you're pulling off that leisure suit like nobody's business. You look great. That really is you. Those things should come back. I wish I, you know, something that whole fucking fad, you know, where the everybody started wearing the Bing Crosby fedoras and everything.

I so wanted to jump on that. I just don't have the head for it. No, the 70s is like this. I'm so into leisure suits and the dumb 70s outfits. I watch like you watch a slap shot, the original one. I was just watching the outfits. They had the ridiculous. Paul Newman crushes a leisure suit.

Fantastic. Hey, did you notice for that? That just reminded me of was back in the day when you were doing that show with Rogan, the man show. Were you guys originally the second? You were the second host. Second. When you, Rogan had, you know, some fucking race car that he was driving

and your parking spot was right next to him. So you wanted to go out and buy the ugliest parking car. I bought the biggest piece of shit and that's why the show sucked so bad. Instead of trying to write better bits that we wouldn't even have gotten on the air to begin with, I just sit on eBay and try to find the biggest piece of shit car. Dude, I love, do you find like a two door Chrysler K car convertible with fake wood side?

1980 Dodge Aspen. Oh, I'm sorry. It was painted lime green with a white racing stripe and it was an unvertible. Not even a convertible. It was just had the top off. So it looked like there's a top underneath the vinyl thing in the back. Why did I remember wood? I just remember seeing it going that thick.

It was so fucking awful. It was, it was awesome. And I had the props department make up a bumper sticker that says, I'm with Rogan with an arrow pointing towards his car. So he had like $120,000 Porsche. So we'll get it joining spots on the lot. So yeah. How did you find it in California?

Yeah, it was like Fresno. It was a long road trip and the scariest ride home ever because that thing shouldn't have been on the road. You know what I love about the California is that you can find those cars. They live forever out here. Like I saw a Chevy Monza out here. Remember those? I've seen like two Chevets.

I mean, Chevy Chevets. You can't find those on eBay. You look for a Chevette, you can't find it on eBay. They're done. They were like for the young people. That was basically our answer to like the Honda Civic. It was supposed to be our trying to get, you know, catch up with the Japanese people. And it was made by Chevy.

It fucking died at 60,000 miles. There was absolutely nothing cool. My parents had two of them, a 78 and 80. And I mean, they were both gone in the crusher by like 88. I had a Chevy citation for a while on the road. With the sideways radio? No. Do you remember the year they forgot to design a radio in there?

And then they were like, fuck it. And they literally turned it sideways and didn't even change the numbers. My buddy had one. I swear to God, that's true. Do you know how much that would sell for now? Like what we used to consider a piece of shit. Remember in Massachusetts, they would have winter cars? Someone would buy a brand new Camaro.

But they'd have a winter car. Yeah, that's right. The fucking teatops and all that. That winter car right now, it's self-reg, eight grand if it's in decent shape. I know. It's unreal. Our childhood is worth the fucking fortune now. It kills me, but I hate how it's all being sort of mocked, you know?

Like everything like, I can't wear like, I liked when all those old school hipster t-shirts came out because I actually liked a lot of that stuff until I realized that they were making fun of it. And then it just made me feel like, yeah, my childhood's a joke. That's ironing out. Yeah, I liked all those cereals and the tang and all the shit that we grew up with. Like I have a lot of... Count Chocula.

Count Chocula was the shit. I like boo- Remember Zarex? Zarex, what was that? That was a syrup that you would pour in the water. And it was only New England, but it was a syrup you'd put into water. That was a zebra on the label. Zarex of this bee, Zarex of Zaspie, so good as can be, just remember that Z.

Holy shit. Yeah! Holy shit, where the fuck did that come from? I haven't thought of that since like the fucking 70s. That was another thing. They had all those great... It was dude, it was all about getting hopped up on sugar and then watching these acid trip fucking like cartoons because like all the writers, the new

generations of writers who were doing drugs and thought it was this hip thing and didn't realize, you know, cocaine, the big lie, everything that was coming in the 80s. So they were kind of... Coming in the 80s. Yeah, they were kind of like steering you down that fucking road, like to... If you watch cartoons, right, there's a shift somewhere in the late 60s, early 70s, where the older people are out. If you watch, there's an old Flintstones one where they make...

They're actually making fun of the Beatles. Remember that one where they had that bug music? I can't stand but it was a bunch of bugs. It was supposed to be the Beatles and like this song they were singing, they literally was monotone, like tone deaf, they were just going yeah, yeah, yeah. He said yeah, yeah, yeah. We said yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they'd scream like Paul McCartney.

Which is actually a lot of what the Beatles were. In the early on... The hugely overrated band. You think so? Love, love me, dude. You know I love you, really? That's fucking genius. Yeah, but that was the horseshit when they wanted to the labels control and once they got out of that...

It started doing drugs. Yeah, rubber soul and fucking, you know, white album. I like to say they stand the test of time. Listen to some book on tape about the Beatles but the guy, the author was going into such great detail about how genius they were but talking about that dog shit 60s, you know. You don't like the Beatles? No, not really. Dude, okay, I gotta hear it. I gotta hear it, I gotta hear it, now this is just, this is very unique.

I don't like music to begin with so I'm not the guy to talk to, I'm just not a fan. Yeah, it's, I listen to music the way most people listen to stand up. Okay, maybe once a year they go to a live show. Right, if that... Yeah, maybe, I'll watch a special... What happened? Just never caught on with me. It's one of the fucking only good things human beings have ever done.

I'm sure we had to chop down some trees to make all those guitars and oboes and shit but I mean generally speaking... Just, yeah, it's not my thing. I don't mind it, like on my iPod I downloaded a bunch of Count Basie and Duke Ellington. Shit that doesn't interrupt your train of thought, no lyrics, just nice jazz and background music. Doug Stanhope music, he doesn't mind it. I don't mind it. You mean if you have to have it on? Yeah, as long as it's in the background.

I don't want to yell over it, I don't want the words confusing what I'm trying to think about in a conversation or what I'm trying to write. I remember being on a flight with you on American Airlines, some random thing. And I was, we were, you know... I think we were both pretty hungover, we took pictures together. We did, we did, and I remember that was when American Airlines, when you went to go get off, would start playing that music in their jingle and anything. And you would gotten a phone call, and I was so hungover I forgot you were on the plane and I just heard from three rows back, your voice like, Oh Greg, can I call you back? I'm getting ear-raped by American Airlines. There's all these families there with children and stuff, I'm just like, Jesus, this guy fights to fight from 8 a.m. on.

I don't have that kind of fight in me, I was just like, all right, I'll listen to it. Just walking off like a zombie, you're already fucking, you should have spent... The Doug signed on the dotted line. Hey, I got to, you know, something when I was doing my three minutes of research that I had to do on you, because I've known you for so fucking long and I knew I didn't have to do it. I had no idea, you put out like 13 fucking albums? I have, some of those are like, one was like a XM radio special event, so not... All right, which, okay, you got 1998, The Great White Stand Hope, that's an hour... I don't even admit that exists.

99, Sicko. Sicko is most of the good parts of the first one I put out through a piece of shit. So we'll give you one there, 2000, something to take the edge off. Yeah. 2001, Acid Bootleg, 2002, Die Laughing, 2003, Word of Mouth, 2004, Dead Beat Hero, do that, that's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven years in a row, you took 05 off, put your feet up, right? 06, Morbid, obscenity. That was a benefit thing for a guy, it's a long story. Okay, so we'll knock that one off, you're still up to six or seven here.

Seven is no refunds, no refunds. I know that that's a fifth of real one, because I saw that, from across the street in 09, 011, is that Oslo, like Norway, burned the bridges to nowhere 2012, before turning the gun on himself, what a great fucking title. And three, Beer Hall, how do you, how do you... Putsch. What is, what is Putsch? Beer Hall Putsch was Hitler's failed attempt to overthrow the German government in 24. And they'd all meet in Beer Halls and they'd rile each other up and scream and yell about the government and all this.

In a bar, what can you imagine drinking with Hitler, how much fun would that be? They're like 1500 years. Just getting them all riled up, just kind of like, I don't know, I kind of like juice. Just watching, what the fuck are you talking about? Just to see how fucking mad you can be. He always closes, Hitler, why does Hitler always get to close? Hacking them all worked up into a lather, but Hitler, he goes up and rides my wave. Hitler will go on whenever, but no one wants to follow him.

Like that's his problem, I'm not going on after that, once he gets to work dirty to follow him. You can't win, either they, either they, they don't like him and he just burns down the room or they, they're so into him, you just can't follow the fucking guy. Yeah, but he got them all to take to the streets finally to go overthrow the government and a few people got shot and he ran like a pussy. So that's the significance is I talk a lot of shit, but when it comes down to it, I, I don't do anything. But it's not amazing yelling bars is my point. Isn't it amazing how back in the day how because of the lack of technology that you could actually assemble a bunch of people in a bar and have them believe that they could overthrow the government of your country and without a microphone. Yeah, dude, let's just walk down the street.

All right, all of us and just what are you going to do? Like what door are you going into? Have you even fucking worked out how to get into the parliament building? Like what are you going to do? Like the fact that they actually, I know you, they were shitfaced probably, but the fact that that was actually like doable. Like nowadays, I mean, the amount of fucking people as you were doing it like would be tweeting like, you know, group over here thinking of taking over the government, shaking my head. There'd be video of it as you went down the street.

They'd be like news helicopters. Yeah, they would turn it into a fucking reality show before it even got off the ground. The fact that you could actually do that. But here's something I actually learned about Hitler when I was just on my honeymoon over and we went over to France, went over to. Yeah, no, I'm a fan of the podcast. Okay, listen, how fucking I wanted to say I hated you so much at the beginning of that. Where you're like, I'm going to do all this stuff because I'm the guy that I would go there and just find a bar. The whole idea of France bores me just and you were we're so glowing about how much I'm going to go do this and that.

Oh, yeah, I was only a small amount of time before you fell in it. Exactly. Like I'm going to go look at this fucking thing. Like how long can you look at a fucking thing where no, here's what happened tree off or whatever. Here's what happened though. I went up to the Eiffel Tower and there was no the line was really short. It's like pinks hotdog. You go by it.

If it's a short line, you don't even want a hotdog. You're like, we got to do it. There's a fucking line. So we went up. It was totally worth it. Dude, I'm a contrarian. I'm a grumpy cunt. I went over there.

I put a smile on my face. I knew if I went over there and I was my usual douche and I acted like I was at Disney World, I was going to ruin my wife's honeymoon. And do you think I would ever hear the end of that? It's not even that. Just to ruin that part of her fucking life. But I'm not douchiness came out that I felt okay about myself. Like I would have been such a douche over there because. Oh, no, I wasn't.

No, I was a sweetheart. That was interesting to me. You know what? You go to the entire state building. You're just a contrarian. You don't like music and you don't like France. I mean, well, what else don't you like? Let me guess.

You don't like Italian food. I think it's overrated with the deliciousness. I like spaghetti and meatballs. You know, those super models, you know? Not really my style. I mean, you can kind of look at them. Whatever. I have.

Hey, when we come back, we're going to talk about how overrated the blow job is. Not a fan. Not a fan. Not a fan of the blow job. Never really come. Never really come from the beginning or just because you're so tainted at this point. Well, at this point, I'm worthless. But even in my best day, I feel bad for you having to do that.

Really? Yeah. What about what the fuck you had to do? At least their job's out in the open. You got to sit there like you're in fucking nom on point. How many minutes are we in here? I got to I got to read some advertising. 18 minutes and I got to just I'm going to sell my soul here.

You have made this like you fucking up ads. You don't. You're the only guy who wouldn't fast forward through an ad. You actually listen to the commercial because you fucked them up and it's hilarious that you're actually listening to ads like you look forward to the ads. I know. It's awful. But I'm saying you could sell ad space for more money than any other podcast because you go,

hey, I have I have this thing that I do where I will fuck up and assassinate your advertisement so badly no one will skip it. Yeah. But the sad thing is is I'm trying. I'm actually trying to get better at this. I like to think that I could be one of those news anchors on ESPN, but I know when I read out these out live, it's like it never would fucking happen.

I read the same way. All right, here we go. Okay, guys, please don't look at me when I try to do this. All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Nothing feels better than that first shave with the fresh blade, right? It's smooth. It's close. And the blade is as sharp as it's ever going to be.

It's god damn it feels fantastic. But you know what? I hate bill is going down to those goddamn Walgreens or CVS. And you have to stand in line besides behind some junkie just to buy my goddamn razor. I tell me about people are shooting at me with live ammunition. How am I going to get a nice? And you're just waiting for what? Overpriced blades.

Wouldn't it be wonderful? If somebody recognized that problem and came up with the solution. That's something I would not be a contrarian about. I would actually appreciate a decent close shave delivered right to my door. Your savior has come. It's Dollar Shave Club. Where the fuck do I jump to in the copy here? For just a couple bucks a month, dollarshaveclub.com ships me the highest quality blades you can get.

I'm a four blade guy evidently from the person who wrote this copy. They're in my head. That looks like a four blade shave. I was going to say it right off the bat. You know what I say? How many fucking blades do you need? If it's sharp. And with dollarshaveclub.

What are you going to slit your throat four times? And with dollarshaveclub it only costs six bucks. I'd like to share it with a friend. For four, six bucks a month for a four pack. Seriously, only six bucks for the best quality blades you can get. So every week I can pop in a fresh blade and treat myself to an amazing goddamn shave. Doug, stay in hope. Join dollarshaveclub.com.

Get amazing quality blades in the mail for a couple bucks and treat yourself to a brand new blade every single week. Hundreds of thousands of guys with have upgraded. That's a typo from last week. This is stupid. They've upgraded from shaving with that old thing. Oh, you're reading this? I thought this was all at the top.

I'm one of them. And I'm one of them. And I'm loving it. Now it's your turn. Shave time, shape money. dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. I mean, that's so simple.

I think it's going to make these kids even softer with their timeouts. You know, I can't even believe they can grow whiskers. All right. Well, we should go to sports. I'm going to stay. I know how that I know the format. Wait a minute. People are going to be mad.

We're going to go to sports. We're going to go to sports, but I got to read a couple more of these workers. I try to do half and half. Try to break it up like a great book. Hulu plus it doesn't make sense. Hulu plus everybody. You know what?

You've probably tried Hulu on your computer. Hulu plus is so much more with Hulu plus. You can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like modern family, the daily show and scandal and watch every episodes of shows like Nashville lost and doctor who is that back swap with any red slash green color coded shows listed. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say that. These this isn't color coded.

It's in black and white. I'm supposed to what shows do you like Doug? What's your favorite show out there? I hate music and fuck the Beatles. Boardwalk empire is a fantastic show. Fantastic show. You know what? I'm going to say that Hulu plus has it.

I bet they do. You know what? I would be surprised if they didn't. You get ad free movies and kids. How about friends and kids show? I love that show. I bet they have friends. Oh, and Ross starts dancing around.

I love it. And then Chandler makes a snide comment. No, no, more than ever. There's so much to watch. Take total control with Hulu plus to stream these shows and thousands more. As much as you want wherever you want. That's a terribly written sentence. Hulu plus works on your computer, smart TV, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation,

pretty much every streaming device you own. You can even watch on your phone and iPad while you're on the train. And it work at the dentist or in the bathroom. You can even block off a data binge. You can do it wherever the hell you want to. They even have original shows like deadbeat, a comedy about a pot smoking guy who talks to ghost. There you go, Doug.

Binge on all 10 episodes starting April 9th. If it's only for $7.99 a month, you get all your shows anytime anyway. How do you do it for Christ's sake? Where the hell is it? The whole week? Just go to huluplus.com slash norm. What?

I'm trying to speed up through this right now. Sign up for Hulu plus. Norm McDonald's podcast copy slash norm slash norm. You don't get any money from norm. This isn't supposed to be. It's supposed to be slash bill slash bill. They said norm. Well, you know what?

I like Norm McDonald. Let's let's give him. Let's give him the money for the week. I didn't even know he had a podcast. Oh yeah, dude. Norm McDonald. Did you see him on Conan telling that moth joke? No.

Yeah, he got to see it. No, I haven't. Dude, I like, you know how many comics out there don't give a fuck but kind of still do. You have to kind of still do to eat that guy. Norm doesn't. He's so funny. What am I?

What am I best opening monologue jokes ever? Did you ever see, you know, remember that whole thing when he was doing weekend update and they told him to make it funnier? So he and he didn't. He just he just was more norm the next week. So eventually, of course, he gets fired. So then, you know, he goes, you know, goes off into the

Hollywood world. He's got a TV show or a hit movie or some shit. So now they bring him back to guest host on SNL and he I'm going to butcher this, but he kind of came out. He's like, yeah, so, uh, you know, I get, yeah, people know I got fired from this show. So now they got me back hosting, which means either I got a lot funnier or this show sucks.

That's what he opened up with. And I know that that wasn't approved. Sorry for the bad norm. I'll have Jay Moron to make up for it. That was a great norm. Norm, listening to Norm on Stern or anything, any podcast, listening to, I don't know if you remember when Charles Groden would do Letterman and just knowing he's going on

there, that it was always a fucking great show. Oh, yeah. And people didn't get that he was fucking around. Yeah, that's how norm is anytime. If norms the guest, I'm fucking listening. Do you know there's a, there's a, uh, Charles Groden was on SNL and there's a host sketch where he actually breaks character and is talking to Belushi and all those

guys when they have the B outfits on going, I mean, the antennas are distracting. He acted like he wasn't there for rehearsal because he was too busy shopping, doing this whole big Hollywood thing. And they just make it so fucking, I mean, because awkward is so popular and a lot of people doing that in comedy, just to think that they did this back in the late seventies and a lot of people the next fucking day thought

that he truly skipped rehearsal and he was that was actually the sketch. Like I didn't know I think midnight run is one of the most underrated of all time him and denaro and that Charles Groden is fucking absolutely brilliant in that thing. So there's one for you. I bet Hulu plus has that one too.

Hulu plus for only $7.90 a month. You can get four blades dragged across your faces. You watch you want your favorite TV show. So I got to talk a little sports here. Come on, Michael Sam. Do you watch do you watch NHL hockey at all? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you tolerate anything in the playoffs? Okay. I find it important to have a favorite team. Okay. In the playoffs. What's your favorite team right now in NHL? All my teams are not in it.

I like senators like the Winnipeg Jets. I like the Buffalo Sabres. The Sabres. I don't mind the Sabres, but. Yeah, we went down for a minute. Yes, we did. That almost never happens. Your podcast, I don't know if it just seems like, you know

what, I'm just going to keep talking. And if there's a fuck up, you don't seem to fuck up, but you don't seem to edit. No, I don't. I don't edit. I don't edit thing. I just sort of do it like right now. We just freaked everybody out like they were going 90

miles an hour in heading towards NHL. And then we just literally just went like, oh, hey, what the fuck this? So sorry about sorry about that. Mind fuck for everybody. No, I don't edit them because that's work. And I didn't get in this business to have a job. Right.

Okay. I got in this business because I had jobs and I didn't like it. I didn't like coming there and having somebody fucking going, hey, you know, pick that up and fucking put it on. You fucking do it. I know what I'm supposed to do. You idiot. I could have mentally like all the fucking jobs I had,

I mentally could have done after the third grade. So that was one of the things that pissed me off. Like why did I go through all of that horseshit and ruining my summers and going to summer school all those years and fucking high school? If this was what I was going to do loading unload trucks. Yeah, UPS. That was the big job in Worcester.

Dude, I got to that was one of the most fun fucking jobs I ever had. The company is great yard. Funny is why I didn't do UPS. UPS was like fucking, you know, it was like pledging a frat that you never got asked to join. It was no, it was like a software company. We were intermediate between the people who made software

and then they shipped. We had all of you could bet all right here. It was like before the internet. So we like this web page except it was a fucking warehouse. So we should just ship it out, bring it in, ship it out and all that type of stuff. But dude, it was class clowns, drug addicts and musicians. That's what it was.

And then the people watching us were nerds who wanted to move up the fucking ladder. Like they wanted to get out of the non-carpeted area and get into the carpeted area and justify their tie. That's basically what it was. And we had the best. Dude, we fucking, everybody had an impression of everybody there.

Everybody like had nicknames. That was the only impression I could ever do was my landlord in Massachusetts, Mr. Menace. And I'd call my fucking, it was a three-decker and I'd call a guy upstairs who's a podhead and I'd pretend to be Mr. Menace. Hey, it's Mr. Menace. Well, you get it, you get a turn that he,

anyway, fucking off track. You talk, you talk. I think your point was you don't edit. No, I know what you mean. So our boss was this guy and he had a regular voice until he got upset. And when he would always say, he would go up a little and be like, come on, you guys, blah, blah, blah.

And we would all just go, come on. We just give him all of us. So like he could need a symphony of mocking. As we were doing it, he would always walk away shaking his head going, bunch of babies. And he would just walk out. And that was the worst we would get reprimanded. So I never understood why anyone would want to go

into the cubicle area where now you were, you were in this little fucking box only one way in, one way out. They knew where you were supposed to be. The warehouse, you know, I'm in the warehouse with a fies counting shit. He's on the forklift. No one knew where the fuck I was really supposed to be.

So there was an element of freedom. It was basically a bigger fucking cubicle. So, but anyway, we got to get back to the hockey. Yeah, hockey. So the Sabres, I was saying, I would like them. If you know, they weren't in our division. I still like them. Really psyched that they went back to their old uniform.

I like uniforms. That's what it all comes down to. The Canoes fucking those beautiful colors. I don't know if they still have them. They still have them. They finally went back to them when they, they, the two biggest mistakes, the biggest one was Vancouver's.

I mean, it was so fucking ugly. That home one that mustered yellow with the orange. I love it. You liked it. Oh shit, you're wearing a leisure suit. Yeah. Tampa Bay Buccaneers Creamsicles, best uniform in sports history.

So yeah, I like the Canoes. The old Astros. Astros was a great one. The old Astros was a great one. Yeah, but you were a child. You know, we were talking about while we were waiting for the whole thing to come back on, because we were talking about that Xarex jingle,

how that came out of nowhere. But then we were talking about other things like, like fluff and others. Fluff and others. Yeah, like how would that happen? I don't even know if they make marshmallow fluff anymore. There's no way that they would, they, people are too informed.

They still make moxie. You can find that shit. They probably, but there's no, but fluff and other was mainstream. Like in my neighborhood, it was peanut butter and fluff. But I don't know if it was just a New England thing. A lot of shit I thought was mainstream. Oh, no one drank moxie ever.

Anyway. I never even heard of that. I've heard. Moxie soda? No. Tastes like a, I don't know. It was like the Yeagermeister of soda. They had the, it first hit your mouth,

it tasted like cola, and then they had the most horrific aftertaste that just made you want to drink more to get that first taste, to get the second taste out of your mouth. And then, yeah. And it was all legal. It's all fucking with,

I have a can in my fridge at home. I had it mailed to me. Do you remember Marathon bars? They had this candy bar for the youngsters here, or listening or whatever. Marathon bar was basically, it was just a hundred percent caramel twisted around in like a pretzel thing,

like a long stick. And that big thing was, it was so long, it was a marathon bar. It was going to take you like a fucking hour to somehow consume this thing. Pull all your fillings out of your head. Yeah. And you'd sit there and like,

you literally had to bite. It was like you were pulling a pin out of a grenade. You had to fuck or just rip the thing. That was one of those questions where we go, what's that fucking, and we had to describe the candy bar. What was the name? And it took us for fucking ever to remember Marathon bar.

Marathon bar? Oh, Henry's? All of that shit. Anyway, back to hockey. Sorry, back to hockey. Everyone's going to fucking hate me for being here. Back to hockey. So my Boston Bruits.

Three, three, two, one. We were down two games to one. Now we're up three games to two. I still think it's going seven. And I think it was a bad move. Sean Thornton sprayed water at PK Subban at the end of the game was just, was not a smart move. Like you don't rile up superstores.

Not on the heels of the whole clipper scandal. You don't spray water on the only Negro. Clipper scandal. Forget about what, you know, a certain percentage of the Bruins fan base when he scored an overtime goal and the N word was trending on Twitter. I mean, dude, you think you have vintage

with your leisure suit? You should see some of the Twitter accounts of Bruins fans. So fucking embarrassing. It's so fucking embarrassing. It so takes away from the game. But PK is quickly becoming a guy despite the fact that he plays for a team that I hate.

You can't fucking hate the guy. It's like Derek Jeter kind of thing where, you know, he was always a good player, but now he's a legitimate superstar at this point. And he's just one of those guys. He plays physical defense. He can, he can, he's just, he's got the whole defense thing down.

And then if there's an offensive time, he can jump up into the play. He came out, he came one of my favorite goals of this, this playoff. And I hated that was against us, but it was right as the penalty. He was in the box, right? Right as the penalties.

It's like three, two, one. And I'm going, oh fuck, he's coming out of the box and just the dude hit him and stride. He went down that he looked like a Ford. He didn't look like a defenseman at all. And a lot of people don't realize how big that guy is. I went to a Canadian's game earlier this year and he's fucking, he's a monster.

So having said that, Sean Thornton towards the end of the game, he's on the bench. He sprayed water in his face. And it's just like, why would you add those crushing defeats? And now you got this guy even more fucking motivated. You mean, he still, when the game was over,

he still scored a fucking goal. This guy is Freddie Krueger. He's not going away. He's not, he's, he's, he's just going to keep coming. So I also loved the fine. Sean Thornton got fine like $2,863. And so it was a really specific thing. Like it was, was we trying to make it sound official?

Would he have cleared three grand if PK didn't have a visor on and it went directly in his fucking eye? Like, it was the cost of dry cleaning. Oh, is that what it is? I don't know. So anyways, I think I actually, I'm hoping we're going to close them out tonight, which we could do,

but I've watched enough hockey to know that there's going to be a game seven. And I think that they're, they're really going to have the jump on us tonight. I hate to say all of that, but I, I think already that they, they weren't going to fucking go out on a limb. And I'm going to guarantee a Bruins victory tonight.

No game seven yet. They said it yet. Another reason why there's going to be a game seven. I think it's, it's Bruins Canadians. It has to go save game seven games. Four to two. I'll even tell you the number. Hey, I hope you're right.

I hope you're right. But I've, I've, I, you know, the organization's too fucking proud. What does habs mean? What does fucking habs mean? The, the, uh, happy taunts. It's a French thing. Happy taunts.

Like the habitants. It's the French thing. It was basically, I think that that's the native Americans before they, uh, the native North Americans before they did whatever they did to them. I think that they called them that.

All right. No, they wouldn't. Why would they say that? Because they didn't speak French. I don't know. You know what? You know, that's one of those things I've looked up a zillion times.

Also like the Bruins logo, the spokes, it's supposed to be the hub or so. I can never fucking remember it. All right. But I can remember the Zarek's thing because that's how fucking delicious it was. All right. Here's my podcast question before I forget.

Okay. Oh yeah. Doug Stanhope has a bunch of Monday morning podcast questions. We're going to go behind the scenes here. Yes. When you, you, obviously, when you read a letter,

an email from a fan. I have some right here. Yeah. Well, we'll get to one. Obviously, you haven't read it before, no, but they're not random because you just get every third one would be, what the fuck?

When are you playing North and over? Right, right, right. So who does, who pre-screenings? Andrew Thelmuth. He, he, he pulls them for me. He kind of knows the ones that I like. All right. And then so what that's made,

I always, I thought, I always, I bet Nia does it. I always thought that. So well, I don't know. No, no, you don't, you don't want to, like I always seem like you're in your basement and she's the only human being in your universe that you can yell, Nia, fucking Nia. So I thought maybe she did it.

No, she, no, she comes on the podcast. She's had a couple of fucking great rants recently and I was kind of hoping that I could get her on, but she's been, she's been real busy with her career. I brought flowers for a reason. I go, she's not going to like me. Nia is not going to like me. So I brought flowers to suck up.

No, no, the second she saw your leisure suit, she's really big into fashion. She'd love it. She would absolutely love it. I'll, we'll get a picture. We'll soften the blow of Doug Stanhope by getting flowers and a nice picture of you in the, in the leisure suit or anything.

Well, speaking of, you don't, you have any more behind the scene questions? No, no, I've, if I come up with them all, interrupt your train of thought. What, what color my pajamas are when I'm lying in there recording. All right. Here's, let's, let's read a couple of questions here.

Um, this is from a listener, uh, Tug McGraw. Remember Tug McGraw? Played for the Phillies. Used to slap his thigh with his glove. When he was getting all amped up. No. Yeah. When they were taking down your Astros

and whatever the fuck they beat. I just like the uniforms. Okay. Sorry. Okay. Bill, how about the NFL players suspended for smoking weed though? I think it was a guy in the Browns,

the guy like led the league and received and got suspended because he was smoking weed. Um, this guy says, how ancient is that mindset? Dear NFL, please let the guy who destroys his body for your ratings smoke a joint to help relax his body, mind and muscles. So he doesn't take it out on his girlfriend or, or her kids.

Uh, I love how he can't be married with his own kids. Also, here's a great, Hey, you know what? Michael Sam has brought us to a place where he might be beating up his boyfriend after a bad game. That dude he just made out with did he get drafted?

He got drafted by the Rams and then made out with his boyfriend to celebrate on national TV. It was a beautiful day. I was on Santa Monica Boulevard and I tried to high five gay men. Michael Sam, I literally tried to high five a gay guy outside of the,

out of the class. Oh my God. Dude, you realize like not high five me back. It just went from fucking 1900 in the NFL to like fucking 2018. I think they're actually ahead. Um, oh, I did. Yeah, I did not see that.

It was fucking beautiful. I did not see that. I have to admit it was at home. He's had a white boyfriend too. So as interracial on top of that, he fucking leans down and kisses his small petite white man and celebrate his draft

as a linebacker for the St. Louis Rams. I got to be honest with something. And you know, he's not supposed to allow you. Yeah, you're not supposed to admit to your flaws. He's supposed to act like I don't see color and I'm not homophobic. I'm not homophobic. I like to think,

but that actually made me uncomfortable thinking about that. Why would that be? I was psyched that he was going to be in the NFL. Right. And I also, I also want to adorable. No, no, I also want, I also want him to dominate because I was hoping

he was going to play on my team and he was going to dominate because it's a whole other level that it would annoy the other team's fans like the homophobes would be annoying if he just fucking was a beast out there. But then him kissing the other dude that that I was trying to laugh about it,

but it made me uncomfortable a little bit. Incredible. It was wicked good. Well, I guess I had some shit I need to work on. I, you know, I guess I'm not used to that yet. I, you know, I like to think I don't see color, but I do, but I don't see weight. It's a weird thing.

Fat people. I'm off topic. No, no, I do. I see weight. And I also see color at night. I see color at night with so many fat people. I don't notice when I never thought of that guy as fat till you mentioned it.

But yeah, everybody sees color. I hate when people say that. I don't see color. It doesn't matter if you're purple, red. It's like, now you'd fucking notice that. You'd notice that. And you notice white people singing in England. And there's, yeah, I cross the street.

If I see it, there's a group of fucking you Asian. I don't, I don't see color. I can't tell. Are you African-American? Yeah, I need to know when to cross the street. And if there's a bunch of the same colored people, they're probably looking for an enemy. And I don't, I don't want to be it.

Yeah. If the second you fill out numbered, yeah, we definitely see in England, where everyone's white, you go, well, okay, now I see where I'm going to be the enemy, despite my color. But I still see a group of the same color guys. If you saw a bunch of white guys with skinheads,

with shaved heads, right? Fucking football hooligans. Yes. That is terrifying. You would, you would be, I don't see color. Are they, are they, are they accountants? Are they accountants? What, what, what do they do?

Must be dressed down Wednesdays. No, you see it. And, you know, I don't know. At night, when fear comes up, they, you know, you think the worst, I used to do a bit of my act that I, you know, everybody's racist at night, and you have to be, and that's how you get home. You just have to think the worst of people,

so you can make it to your car in the parking lot. And whatever they are, if they're Asian, they're a fucking ninja, or they're a Chinese communist, coming out, it's just begun, and I'm the first victim, you have to think that stuff. And then also, when you tell these anecdotes, you have to pick somebody like Asians, so you don't get in trouble.

The Turks, yeah, you can. Certain groups, certain groups get you in more trouble. Armenians. Yes. Yeah. You can go talk all the same. Like, have I used an African American, or a Jewish anecdote there?

I'd be in trouble right now. Yeah. Dollar Shave Club would be running. Would be running in the other direction. Don't we have more ads, or are we going to viewer mail? We do have more ads. Oh, we've talked McGraw. We didn't answer the question.

What do you think, should the guy be suspended? The NFL player for smoking a little weed, man? Obviously not. But, you know, in the last 24 hours, there was interracial male tongue kissing. Celebrating. Tongue them? So, I probably didn't use,

maybe I'm exaggerating the tongue, but they kissed deep and passionate. Did Movan hit a single or a home run? It was an RBI. I say he knocked it out of the park, but I was wrong. Ah, Jesus Christ. But yeah, I hope he wins a Super Bowl, and he's the MVP, and you know, they have like their family and stuff.

I just hope he's up there. Just goes at it, man. That's going to be fucking hilarious. Fuck Disney World. I'm going to a bath house. Oh, dude. Okay, who's going to be the first one to lose his fucking job, or get fined?

Let's go down the Rams roster, and let's try to guess who's the first one. Who's going to... Oh, my God. Somebody's going to say something. I'm trying to think of a Ram, other than Sam Bradford. Poor bastard. Who's another one?

It's what it's a... What happened to the... Mike Marks is what happened to the Rams, and that shitty fucking... They have one of the worst stadiums I've ever been to. It's like if the twins ship the Homer Dome down to fucking St. Louis, and you played football in it.

If there was a team that's coming to LA, it's the Rams coming back. They should. No one gives a fuck about the Rams. It's like Delaware is a state. You just forget that it even exists. No news comes out of there. What's your favorite state, Doug?

My favorite state? Do you look at states the way you look at music? For different reasons. Yeah, I mean, I like Wyoming and Montana. You just did the red state tour. I loved it. Fucking gorgeous out there. It is.

But I don't tell people that. I always say that when I do this. You always have the rosiest fucking outlook. Every tour you do is great. Every audience is fantastic. Because you know what? Because this is what I decide. I spent the first half of my life

being an angry cunt sleeping on a futon. And somewhere around approaching 40, I was just like, so this is the guy I'm going to be. And you know what I did? I kind of learned how to get out of my... You keep making that face that's going to stick like that. Yeah, my depressing downward spiral.

I figured out how to stop it. Like, fortunately, I don't have clinical depression. But I am geared towards negative cynical thought. So what I would just do is I just started thinking, okay, is that what you want to think today? This is what we're going to do this one fucking day. Then I'll let new agey shit. And I just started going to the gym.

You know, I just started... You know, when I went on the road, I would do shit. Don't you ever have a fucking horrible show? Like, one time I want to hear you come on Monday morning podcasts. It's Bill Burr. I just played Toronto. What a bunch of fucking assholes.

No, here's the deal. But at this point, people are coming to see me. Yeah, I know. So I'm going to get mad at them. I have that too. And I still have two spag audiences. But at that point, if I have a bad show, it's kind of on me. It's like, I come out and they clap like I already killed for an hour.

Yeah, yeah, no. So it's completely up to me to fall like this weekend. I was in San Diego and I was trying to put together what I'm going to do. And I was a little off on a couple of shows. And when I got off stage, I was mad at myself. I wasn't mad at anybody in the crowd. And you know, there's a couple of drunk people and some people yelled out. But like, I never get mad at that because I think that that's what makes this

art unique that you can sit there and yell out at the person. And you just have to fucking deal with it. And I don't like that shit when if somebody yells something out, immediately they're going to go throw them out like I'm this precious fucking hope diamond or some shit. It's like, no, I'm saying a bunch of shit up here that should make you go like, dude, you know what the fuck you're talking about. So I mean, the only heckler I don't like is basically if you're going to

talk and ignore it. Yeah, if you're if you're just yelling to yell and you're not going to shut up no matter what, then at that point, I can still deal with that. But I end up feeling bad for the people who came out. I did a show in Daytona Beach a couple months ago. I don't know when. But I had to throw a guy out from the beginning before the show. I'm watching there's no way this guy is going to make it.

He's too drunk. And he's out in the lobby and he recognizes me. But you can see he's trying to focus and say words and I hide. And then he's in the front row. And I'm like, I, I threw this guy out like it was an old bit. It was so wrote. Like I went through the motions. I know at some point he's going to try to talk.

He's not going to happen. So it was like I would did a tired closing bit with the whole, okay, you're not going to make it unless John Goodman comes in at like at the end of the movie flight and gives you blow. You went out on stage and threw him out. I know what's going to happen. So I just watched the whole thing. It was fluid. I would, I caressed him out of the room like it, like it was a part of my act.

I had thrown people out so many times for being that drunk that I'm like, I'm like, this should be on my set list. Okay. Open with the thing about driving down here, throw drunk guy out, segue into a retardation. That's amazing. I had a guy one time I was at the DC improv and he was one of those guys like, I'm not even going to say what he was doing. I'll tell you off air because if I say it to you, some asshole listening to this is

then going to do it. But he was doing this annoying thing where he wasn't laughing. He was doing something else. So and I got into it with him and like, whatever, we did the, we did the fun. Did he get kicked? No, no, he didn't get kicked out. So I go, I was like, all right. So that's the one Yahoo for the weekend because you know, you're going to get one.

It's going to be a fucking nightmare. Right. So the fucking very next night, who comes walking in the door again, the same fucking guy. And the waitstaff or whoever seats him, here's him say, I'm going to fucking yell out all his punchlines and they sit him right down in the front row. So now I'm going out there and I'm fucking riffing and I'm trying to switch shit up and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he yelled out the first punchline and I was so ready for it.

I fucking snapped and we ended up throwing him out and, uh, and the crowd was pissed at me because they didn't know the back door. Yeah, they weren't there. I remember this guy afterwards. I'm selling my CD. Right. And this guy comes up to do that. That was fucking bullshit.

That's bullshit. You're the headliner. You, you should have to deal with that. And I was going, no, and I tried to explain. And then he just wouldn't let me talk. And then I said, you know what you should do? You should never come to one of my shows again. That'll show me because it just got to the point of like, it wasn't, it was like probably

like six people who were flipping out, but it was, uh, and it was a classic thing. They kick the guy out and I'm standing there selling my wares, whoring my cell phone, getting to the end of the line. I look up who's standing in line. The guy they kicked out, like this is how comedy clubs kick people out. They get them an inch beyond the threshold of the front door and then they turn their back and then they go over and fucking ignore the problem. Yeah.

Have a potato, some potato skins or something. And then here's that fucking guy back in like, so I had to tell them like, I go, hey, in the future, when you kick some of you, can you kick them all the way out? Can you make sure that they don't? So what did he say? Ah, he was just going, we don't understand. I love you. You don't understand.

I love you. Like he was trying to say, it was like, dude, you don't understand the first night. I'm trying to prove how much I love you by, see, I know every punch line. He was no, but the first, I can't remember which night we, we, we, it must have been the second night, but the first night, well, no, he was just trying to say that he was yelling out because he loved my stuff and it was, and he was just so fucking drunk. There was no, and dumb, and dumb. It's not like when he sobered up, like this level of fucking intelligence was,

was going to come back. He was just a fucking moron. And it was kind of one of those things like that kind of person. I had to kind of burn off from my crowd. Like when you first get your, your, your people finally coming out to see you, your sight, and then there's people who are going to come on and see and be like, Oh, I thought he was this way. He's actually that way.

And then they don't come back. And then hopefully the rest of the room gets filled up with people who kind of get a 30 second YouTube clip on a subject that they already have. And they go, Oh, I love this guy. Oh, they see you be clean on TV. And they go, Oh, there's a wholesome guy. And then you come down there. What the fucking content?

And then they get up in the middle of it. And then, of course, you blame them. All right. Let me do a little more advertising. Then we'll, we got to wrap this thing up here. Dude, I'm so fucking psyched just to see you, man. Cause I never get to see you. You've been one of my favorites since, since you had the long hair and you had that headshot

where you had the fucking Santa Claus hat on. Remember that one? I remember, I remember getting you into Chilku, Charlie's in Alaska. I thought it was green room too. And I stayed at the band house. Yeah. No, and I was horrific, but I always had an affinity for horror gigs like that and terrible accommodations when they're that bad that they're comical.

And I thought you might think it was funny too. And you're like, I can't believe you sent me to that fucking place that rat trap I had to stay in. I didn't mind the gig. The gig was fine. The fucking, that is the worst fucking place. Absolutely. I haven't stated anything.

The mattress burns on the television set. The mattress literally was caved in in the middle and the fucking covers were so ratty. I just said, I just have to make this my own. And I laid down in it. I remember I ran into Ralphie May. Ralphie May, they couldn't put him in the band house because the floorboards were too weak. They had to actually give him a hotel. Is that what happened?

Cause he said to me, he goes, Oh, I didn't fucking stay there. He goes, I took one look at it. I said, I'm not staying here. No, they took one look at Ralphie May and went, we can't put him in there. He would literally go through the floors. No. Yeah. Cause it was, I mean, he's that big.

It's funny though. His lie gave me self-esteem. I just started saying, I'm not staying here. And you need to get me a fucking hotel room. I brought half the fucking rooms I stayed in. You were there the week before and had done something with a midget and a fucking God knows what. And then he wiped his dick. The new John Fox.

You were, you were like, I loved you, but doing the road so much, I was starting to fucking hate you. I was like, this motherfucker, how does he know where I'm going to be and gets there the week before and fucking does something to the pillowcase with his fucking taint and ball bag was horrific. I always said the cure for AIDS was in the under the bed in the rug of a comedy condo. Just the amount of the band house in Alaska. I actually took a bar of soap onto stage that was in the shower there

because it had black mold. And I'm like, if you think I'm making up jokes about the band house, this is the soap. When you're growing mold on an antibacterial product, that's how bad the fucking place was. Yeah, dude. And I, and I never went back. I never went back.

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They understand that I don't know how to read, so they keep them short. All right, here we go. Here's the classic, everybody. My stairway to heaven, if you will. Stamps.com. There's a stamp who knows, sorry. Back in the days of black and white TVs and phones and with wires, the only way for a business to avoid the post office was to lease the postage meter.

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How much is my nose worth right now? Doug, you know what? Of course, the week you fucking come in, I only have like an hour. That's all right. I'm a wreck. I smell bad. I can smell myself. I haven't smelled you.

Well, don't come much closer. The rayon of your outfit there is holding your scent in. And I have to go do Bert Kreischer's podcast. He goes, I hope you're not on the wagon when you come through my podcast. So I guess. Hey, tell Bert, like we were supposed to smoke cigars a long time ago. I got a bunch of Cubans in my humidor. If he wants to smoke, I would love to hang out with them.

And dude, I fucking love you to death, man. It's so great to see you. I wish you lived in LA, man. I really wish you could come in. Come out more often. You are out in Arizona, right? Yeah. All right.

We meet up in weird places. I'll buy an experimental aircraft. I'll get out there, crash land on your front fucking cactus. All right. That's the podcast for this week. The one and only Doug Stanhope. But if you're brand new to this guy, I'm telling you, man, this guy is one of the greatest comedians I've ever seen.

Definitely without a doubt, one of the best of my generations. And in a long time, dude, I know you don't like. I feel the same way about you, sir. Compliments. Well, you know something at some point, dude, we ought to try to do a we ought to try to do a co-headlining thing somewhere. It's the one of Vegas is always the place to do that because you're not burning a fan base.

Everyone's in a lot of town. And you can. Yeah. Some reason I want to go to Yellowknife. I'd rather do that. Why don't we do that weird? Yeah. Yukon Territory.

You didn't go there on your Canadian tour. I did that. So yeah, why don't we do a one off up there? Yeah. See what rough neck oil workers and yeah. We'll see what we run into. I'm going to go to some random place the middle of fucking nowhere.

I'm in and do like a three hour show. All right. Yeah. For it. All right. Doug Stanhope everybody. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll talk to you next week. Go Pro-wins. Think possible.