Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-13

Episode Date: May 14, 2013

Bill rambles about NHL playoffs, Chinese food and taking the chrome off your undercarriage.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, May 13th, 2013. How are you? How's it going? Uh-oh, May 13th, 2013. A lot of 13s. Are you superstitious? Do you think 13's an unlucky number? Let me ask you this, why? Why do you think it's unlucky? Because you were told that from the day you were born,

you know, stay away from that 13. It's a fucking bad egg. Really? Yeah, it's a it's a number. You know, without 13 you can't get to 14. You know, you raise how fucking childish that is? Like all these hotels where they they they call the 13th floor the 14th floor. You know, it's like dude, we're on the 13th floor. I don't give a shit what you call it. You start calling an apple an orange. I bite into it. It's still a fucking apple. You know, I don't understand like the thing that I will never get past is how fucking childish adults are that you know,

these hot these fucking hotels had to not have a 13th floor because there's so many fucking people that believe in that horseshit that they literally will they won't I don't want to stay on the 13th floor. Why? Because you're worried the 14th floor is gonna collapse onto it. You stupid fucks You know, and you know what kills me? No, Bill, what kills you? Well, I'll tell you god damn it. What kills me is how Because of the dollar these fucking people they they they pander to him Do you I want to get a room in the hotel? Okay, we got 1306. I can't stay on the 13th floor. I Can't stay I need another floor 13th unlucky. And what do they do they give them another floor?

You know Right there. They should be like well listen. Why don't you fucking grow up? What do you think we use a less Great of quality concrete when we made that floor you asshole You know what fuck you we don't want you staying at this hotel I Don't know, you know, it's like that guy up in Toronto, right? Maple East fan Who made the Toronto stronger sign and To take the amount of outrage on that it's like how old are people?

You know you're gonna get upset by that Don't make fun of our sign You know and then you're looking at the guy like what you think he actually supports the terrorists like how fucking old are people? Drives me up the fucking wall. I saw that I actually I didn't see the sign somebody tweeted to me that you know That someone made that sign and it made me laugh Because I knew what he meant. I know he doesn't support the fucking terrorists you know What happened was that Boston strong?

Came about because of those attacks and then the Bruins started wearing it and that if you see enough pictures Unlike Marshawn and those guys which says Boston strong it kind of also morphs into we're saying that our team stronger than your team That's all it is. I'm not gonna lie to you. The ribbon was a little far All right, but what the fuck? Can we just be adults and stop getting guys stop getting fucking outraged Oh, I'm saying we I gotta stop doing that. That's the most annoying thing ever Can a number of you become adults? Okay, and stop having outrage over absolute fucking bullshit and

Maybe have it about something that affects your fucking life Like these banker cunts You know the ones you get to check to every week every week who are robbing you fucking blind Can you have outrage about that? How about that? Instead of a fucking sign or pink socks You know, you're not wearing pink, you know support. I'll just go fuck yourself Sorry Jesus what the hell did that all come from? You know why cuz it's May 13th

And then seven sevens lucky can somebody for on for the love of fucking God Tell me why sevens lucky and don't even tell me because it wins on the first rolling craps Because after that if you don't roll it then you fucking crap out on it more time than they're not Why is seven lucky because of Bert Jones? What the fuck never was Joe Thysman wasn't he number seven and he got his leg fucking shattered dude Got it fucking shattered Joe Thysman with that fucking That one goddamn bar across, you know, I don't know. All right, it's not an unlucky day and if Friday the 13th

Bad things coming threes How old are you? When are you gonna fucking grow up? And grab the steering wheel, you know And just stop letting the car float around And you live in your whole life through fate You know, I fucking hate when people hate when people are going for something and they don't get it And then they just oh, you know, I guess it wasn't meant to be

It wasn't meant to be he just fucking You know You just fucking throw it up in the air like a bunch of fucking confetti. That's your life How about if you didn't fuck it up it wouldn't would have been meant to be you know, I Know what the fuck I'm talking about here Anyways, I am in Boston, Massachusetts right now and I'm gonna go to the game tonight game 7 the only happy thing about that It's gone seven games But I've learned to be I've learned that this is how the Bruins do it this year

They take the first two periods off and then they decide to start playing. Oh No, no, no earlier this year. They play the first two periods. They'd scored two goals and then The other team would gradually tie it up and then we'd lose an overtime. It's been one of the most frustrating years as a fan. I Still love him. I still support him, but You know I fucking knew it I'm sound like Verzi, but I called it after game four. I Know yesterday I tweeted that thing, you know

I was trying to have to give the Bruins something positive where I said the Toronto Sun Was gonna say blue jay sore leafs fall But if you really look at my tweet after game four Yeah, four we went up three games to one where I said this series isn't over. I don't want to go back to Toronto Toronto doesn't deserve to be down three games to one and I got all that shit from fucking Bruins fans. Did you know what I'm talking about now? Why were you ignoring that that series couldn't have easily been two to two if not three one the other way You know and not to take anything away from Toronto, but when you don't fucking show up ready to play In the in the playoffs playoffs, you know, what do you think's gonna happen?

If you don't fucking turn it up a notch until the final ten minutes of the game And what fucking kills me is whenever they do that then then they go out and they score a goal. I Don't know what it is. I love the Bruins too much to ever say that I don't think that they have what it takes this year but That's what they keep doing You know, I feel like Toronto was played more consistently They shit the bed game one without a doubt, but Other than that they play great game to

Game three we kind of got them, but they didn't play bad and game four was a fucking classic and Then I don't know what we've been doing the last two games just skating around like we're out there the ice-capades like oh Maybe this is the game we can close them up so But I have faith I think we're gonna do it tonight I think they're actually gonna fucking maybe come out with the same intensity that they had in the final ten minutes to the last two games I hope they do or else we're gonna lose and you know what we're gonna we're gonna 100% deserve it and I don't hate Toronto where they're fans

There's always a couple of country people on Twitter, but in general I like them and actually went to a Bruins Toronto game a few years ago I like them up there and Congratulations and thank you to the Ottawa Senators for knocking out the hated habs I actually watched the replay of the game wanting to totally enjoy watching all the Canadian fans filing out of the building and you know what they didn't Some of them did but there's always fair weather fans, but I gotta tell you I actually was impressed like 80 to 85 percent of the habs fans stayed there and in the end even though They were losing like six to one

They all got up gave the team a standing ovation saying that stupid ole ole ole song and I was like you know what those are awesome fans you know In Toronto if you lose tonight, I want to tell you You have to blame the Canadians the Canadian fans alright Because you guys were already in a bad way until they put that fucking Patrick walk hex on all of Canada What they did to arguably the greatest gold tender who ever played the game the way they fucking humiliated him and

They haven't learned a thing. They haven't learned a thing. They still do that sarcastic cheer when they're fucking gold tenders getting shelled They're just always gonna be These fucking croissant eaten cunts spoiled fucking brats The most spoiled fans I've ever seen in my fucking life the way that they treat their own players is is is horrific All right, what they did to Patrick what not only fuck them For God knows how long put a hex on their team What they did was so disrespectful to the game of hockey that was created in Canada

Not only have the Montreal Canadians never won another cup since that moment. No other team in Canada has won it Look at the Vancouver Canucks. They were up two games to none They had the Bruins right where they wanted them and then what? Burroughs got fucking possessed decides to bite who the fuck did he bite on the Bruins? They woke up the bear and They proceeded to lose four of the next five games and Lord Stanley stayed down in a lower 48. Sorry. Sorry for all the hockey talk

To all the ladies out there and for all the guys out there who don't watch fucking hockey because you'd rather watch what baseball Is that what you'd rather watch? Great day for a ball game. It's a zero zero here the fourth inning Lovely Mother's Day afternoon. There's a ball outside and This is the 79th pitch of this at bat. I'll tell you something heck of a bat There's a ground ball the second base Slips it over to first two outs here the fourth inning I'll tell you when you look at this Boston skyline, you know, it's just

It's just really wonderful. I like Some of my favorite buildings to stare at while I watch this game. That's called the sport Um, I'm sorry. I just can't I cannot get into fucking baseball. I Tried watching the red. I've watched the Red Sox in so long like I didn't even I Poppy's the only guy left on the team that I even know. It's just been so fucking long since I watched it You know It's just everybody was testing positive for steroids and I was just like look either legalize them or get them out of the goddamn game All right, but stop telling me

Getting me all excited about shit and then four years later telling me it didn't really count You know what I mean? I still love baseball, but uh, I Don't know. How do I watch that one playoff hockey's going on? You know what I mean? How about those LA kinks, huh? Now right there. That's that's as a sports fan. That's what I like to see They go down two games to none and then they just kind of look around like oh, are we gonna stop fucking around here? And then they just immediately turn it on that's very impressive considering they won the cup last year and usually you have the little hangover there So I'm done fucking yapping about hockey. Let's let's get on with the podcast here So I'm gonna go to the game here tonight

It's now I'm still talking about hockey and I got a good feeling that we're actually gonna try and We're actually gonna try tonight That's what I would just like at this point if we could just maybe try For fucking three periods Actually play up to our potential. We still might not win, but can we go down swinging? Can we just fucking do that? Anyways, here's something that somebody sent me They're working on this microchip that will save your memory

Scientists set to implant device to preserve experiences into brains a group of us researchers believe that a microchip That will help create memories in damaged brains could be implemented into human volunteers in the next two years The scientists from the University of Southern, California Wake Forest University and others have been looking into the What is that the hippo campus the part of the brain? That is vital in forming long-term memories for around a decade Okay, they've been doing this. So this is this is their way in

So these wonderful researchers at USC and Wake Forest as always Their hearts are in the right place But what kills me is it's like as they're creating this thing. I always wondered do they sit around? When they create something like this and Did they ever go Good Lord, what if this falls into the wrong hands? What if somebody like Dick Chady or Donald Rumsfeld

Or any one of those other guys that looks like they don't even have a fucking heartbeat What if it falls into their hands? What are they gonna do with this shit? i'm telling you We're all gonna be i'm where i might not be microchipped in my lifetime, but i will tell you this at some point in my lifetime And i figured they're gonna do it through some sort of like They're gonna scare the fuck out of people That their babies are gonna get kidnapped

all right And then what they're gonna do is eventually They're gonna pass a law That all babies born from this day on For their own safety and their own protection will be microchipped All right, it's gonna creep out a guy like me who isn't microchipped, but i'm gonna die off And then what's gonna happen is just people from day one are gonna have a microchip in them and they're not gonna question it And occasionally somebody will question it and then they'll just be like, what are you a fucking conspiracy theorist?

Do you realize that if every human being was microchipped do you realize The ability to revolt How limited it is if you ever were to be suddenly under an oppressive power If everybody was microchipped, you know, and this is what kills me is i know you most of you are rolling your eyes going This sounds like crazy talk You know why because you would never do something like that You know I don't fucking know anyways, let's get into some advertising. That's a nice setup

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It's run by a former CEO of paypal and it's totally free Totally free everybody To sign up for free go to the podcast page on bill burr.com and click on the personal capital banner There you are. All right So anyways back to the damn podcast here um as mentioned before i'm here in boston and uh You know what I didn't realize that I missed I I missed the chinese food here in boston

All right, and I ate so much of that shit. I left boston massachusetts in 1995 In 1995 and uh At that point I had gotten drunk so many times and ended up in a chinese food restaurant that to even smell chinese food Made me I almost got sick All right, so now every time I've come back to boston. I've always avoided it And I remember one night being at the laugh factory talking to dane cook And he told me he had just come back from boston and the first thing he did was he went out and got a poo poo platter

And ate all this fucking chinese food and I almost got sick as I was listening to him Chicken fingers Crab rangoon all this east coast chinese I was so fucking sick of it And I and I was actually laughing to myself as he was telling me the story like thinking to myself that this guy Must really love chinese food You know And then I realized that he doesn't drink like me So he probably didn't od on it like an asshole at three in the morning for 20 years straight like I did

Not 20 years more like eight, but it was but it felt like 20, you know, so anyways the other night I had an amazing night. I went to my alma mater And uh, oh billy redface got himself an award And uh It was a very overwhelming night actually I couldn't even get through my freaking speech I had to like cut it short because I was getting all emotional like a little little fucking school girl there Um

What I meant to say that night by the way for anybody was there was that emerson college It really changed my life because I was absolutely flailing In my life At that point I was a 22 year old I had just finished my freshman year Of college at 22 and I didn't take any time off

I was going to college From the time I graduated until the time I was 22 All right, basically three and a half four years at that point Um, and I I had just finished My freshman year. I was a convicted drunk driver. I had a giant orange afro. I didn't have anything. I had nothing going on And uh, I transferred to emerson college and then immediately. I don't know I I Those kids were the same kind of weird that I was Some more weird some less weird but in general

And I got there with this the the sole purpose of getting over the fear Of standing in front of a crowd So every class basically at that school you could somehow ham it up and get out in front of the class And that's what I did and I got involved in radio because I felt like if I I could just I could talk on a mic two people that I couldn't see and uh I don't know within a year. There was a talent contest the next thing you know I'm doing stand-up comedy. So uh, that's what I wanted to say

So thank you to emerson college and thank you for giving me the award It was unreal unreal night steven right former emerson Student actually presented the award said a bunch of nice things and it was uh, it was it was too much Too much. I gotta tell you that so anyway, so later on that night um No, I was literally I got to go back to that. I was literally blown away You know, this is a guy that I saw make johnny karson

Like laugh like I'd never seen him laugh Like you could tell that he knew that he this just wasn't another comic that this was one of those guys that comes along once every 15 20 25 years And um to have him present the award. It was just it was amazing. So Definitely a big thanks to him So anyway, so later on that night. I woke up with some of my family. I'm having a couple of beers And I you know, and it's like the next thing you know, it's two in the morning

I'm in the outskirts of boston. Everybody's getting hungry. There's only one fucking thing left to do Let's go get some chinese food and i'm thinking I don't want to get chinese I didn't think really think one way or the other And we sat down at this place the fucking tahiti out in dead of massachusetts and sat down We got crab rangu We got that those gelatinous fucking ribs

I got some egg rolls some fried rice and I have to tell you it was fucking delicious The greatest things I've had the greatest meals I've had since I can remember And I know it all went straight to my artery and it's still sitting in there and I'm amazed that I don't have chest pains right now Um I I I I'm smart enough to not go get it again But that's how good it was because then I'll od on it again, but I'm I'm fucking pissed that I didn't get chicken chicken fingers are fucking gross

so it's basically It looks like uh Like the kenby matumbo's finger except lighter But just as long you remember when in living color when they used to make fun of Arsenio putting that one finger in the air and they made it like extra long. That's the shape of it I don't know what part of the chicken is shaped like that. That was the big joke chickens don't have fingers. What the fuck is this?

It's basically like nine million chickens They all mash together and then they just start chopping them up in the shape of a giant fucking index finger Then they bread the shit and they deep fry it Then they give you some duck sauce and then you eat it at 2 30 in the morning and it goes right to you fucking hot Um So anyways I don't even know what the point of that story is was I am I literally giving a shout out to food? At this point

Why not anyways? Oh by the way I'm doing I'm gonna be in las vegas this this weekend coming up At the mirage casino. I think there were a couple of tickets left. This is my big You know first time I've ever headlined las vegas um At one of the major casinos I've done some of the smaller ones, but this is the first time so I feel like this is my first official one. So, uh I'm basically going to be coming out on stage the way the Bruins play in the final 10 minutes of a playoff game

Except I'm going to do it from the beginning to the end. Hopefully hopefully I don't have a letdown Um, so anyways, uh, whoever's going to be out there. I hope to see you guys And with that with that, let's get to uh Let's get to some uh, let's get to some emails for this week Uh, but some phenomenal emails over the last couple of weeks and I think this week's gonna be no different So let's delve in shall we? Um, oh before I do that shit. By the way, somebody told me about I think I was on the bob and tom show

And they told me about this daily mail website and it's One of the most depressing websites I've ever been to in my life Terror at the mother's day parade. This is this is the headlines horrific moment three gunmen opened fire in broad daylight during street festival Leaving 19 people including two young children injured Uh judge bands girl 14 from every school in county After she films herself mercilessly beating another student as a gang of 30 classmates watch So they're already depressing you And then they try to fucking lighten it up by a little bit by saying a brawless

Jennifer aniston is steered around by justin. I don't know who justin is I guess that that's her boyfriend But even then it's kind of negative He's steering her around like what Jennifer can't go where she I want to go into amber crummy get over here, bitch um I got a couple are these the worst passengers of all time bloggers expose the rudest most disgusting commuters in new york One of them's just a girl eating food I don't think that that's bad Another one's a fucking out of shape transvestite or cross dresser with his fucking sports bra on his big belly hanging out

Somebody doing a split I Don't know look at richard nixon's fucking grandson and eras Jesus christ look at the fucking gigantic rack on her You know what is funny though? The church of Scientology got busted for photoshopping and more people at an event in portland To make it seem like a huge crowd when in reality only 750 people were there or The catholic church is fucking trying to to to ruin

Scientology and claiming that they photoshopped people in when they didn't You know kind of like how the nfl tried to stop the afl Who knows But I can tell you what you can take both those religions and toss them in the fucking trash You know How old are your people? Nobody knows what's out there after you die All right

Stop getting up early on sunday. There's really no point to it sleep in Um real age What's up bill? This is uh so-and-so in such-and-such city Me and my fiance are getting married soon and her fucking wookie of a mother Or the rest of her family still don't know how old I am Well, that's great, sir. That's a great way to start a relationship for the rest of your life Uh, she is 23 and I'm 37 We've been making each other come for three years now

Any advice on how to break this info to these cunts? Yeah, I have some advice. Why don't you call off the fucking marriage? Why don't you do that? All right Considering this is the woman that you love And the way you describe your relationship is that they make each other come for the last three years You're describing the mother of this woman you allegedly love as a fucking wookie um

Yeah We consider and she's probably gonna age like her. I guess she's eventually gonna turn into a wookie too I don't know dude. You don't sound like you're mature enough. I got it, but you could also just Be trying to make me laugh So I have no idea um Wow, it's a little late for this, sir You know, this is actually wrong because I went to a wedding

This is why I'm back here of Austin. I actually went to a wedding one of the great weddings I have but isn't is there anything fucking better than going to a wedding Where the two people look like they should be getting married. You just see it You feel the spot between the two of them. There's nothing better You combine that with great food and an open bar and a great live band. I'll tell you you got yourself a hell of an evening I went to an awesome wedding This weekend me and the lovely Nia. We had a great time And uh now I got to read this shit

Um any advice on how to break this info to these cunts? Yeah, I'd write a poem I'd figure out what rhymes with 37 Maybe you could sing it to him I love you daughter When I'm with her it's heaven. Oh by the way, I got great pubes Because I'm 37. Yeah. Sorry about that. You fucking wookie. How about that? Why don't you do something like that? I don't know how to do that, sir

I've never been involved in a lie that deep. That's that's some deep shit there, sir Listen, you you're gonna have to fucking tell them soon or the only way out of this is there's gonna be a couple of body bags All right, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you tell him out of the gate? You know why because you feel like a creep don't you sir? You feel like a creep you know When you make references to britney spears and she doesn't even know who that is That's actually me. You know the other night I used that Reference because I needed a reference for a flusy and I threw out britney spears and like this younger crowd just sat there staring at me

And I actually did the math in my head and I had to be like wait a minute britney spears Is now a 31 32 year old divorced mother of two And I was just like jesus christ i'm fucking old Who is the flusy reference of the moment? You know, you can't even say lady gaga at this point. She's so fucking old now. She had to get a hip replacement You know like your grandmother Taylor swift right, maybe it's her Taylor swift looks like one of those cats that just fucking creeps you out

You know that voodoo shit like they sit on your chest and they suck the soul out of you She is that like you could never snuggle with her and not feel that she was slowly killing you You know, do you think she sleeps in a pod? Doesn't she have like that That webtoe look about her that's really mean, but I don't know I saw this thing on her 60 minutes one time And the crowd was cheering and she looked up in the upper deck and she just did the creepiest look to the upper deck deck and just went Oh

Like really like It's totally phony like I can't believe you guys are cheering at me like that I don't know Oh christ, I don't even know what i'm saying anymore Uh past this prime prime question mark Hello, william. I need some advice. By the way you guys you all realize i'm a moron, right? I flunked everything in high school okay

This is on you if you take my advice and it doesn't work, you know You should go talk to somebody who actually professionally gives out advice Part of your therapy session should be why you take advice from somebody doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about Oh bill shut up and just read it. Okay. All right. Hi bill I need some advice my fiance and I used to have An insane sex life two to three times a day crazy marathon sex sessions We used to sell celebrate sexter day

What does that mean? What is that when you reminisce about how much you fucked yesterday? Ah you kids I don't know what you're talking about sexter day boo boo all my fucking seems so far away I put it in your ass and not because i'm gay. I just fucked your veg Enough fucking times Your fucking veg

You know, it's like I woke up and the lyrics just came to me to the point I thought did someone else talk about this somebody else already write this song Um, not for lack of trying on my part. I love giving him blowjobs. Oh what a champ She says she loves giving blowjobs And now he always says Not right now when I try We welcomed our first baby six months ago I am now in better shape than I was before I got pregnant

I do yoga and run every day and feel sexier than ever I am 22 and he is 40 Is he passed his prime? He's been stressed out lately. Does that keep men from getting it up? Um, he was my first so the only thing I know about male sexuality is what I know about him Usually he can't keep his hands off me Help bill. It's hard not to take this personally. Thank you Well, aren't you a sweetheart?

Um, you like giving blowjobs and you're very polite and you know how to write a letter God damn it. You're a keeper And you're a virgin at 22 you saved yourself and here this guy comes along the grizzled vet in the final year of a three-year contract you know Once you sign the contract he stops producing Well, I for one I feel for you um Did he watch you give birth?

You know that that that new thing that they do over the last 20 30 years back of the day He used to just stand out in the waiting room with the big stogie Just stand out. How's she doing? Yeah, is there blood pressure dropping? Oh, she passed away on the table. Ah Fucking hundred twenty dollars in cigars out the window He used to stand out there in the waiting room You know and you let the doctors be doctors

I don't understand why the guy has to be in there. I I don't this is a big fucking Debate between me and the lovely Mia like I don't understand why this why you have to fucking be in there You know when I go down to minus muffler. Do I fucking stand underneath it as he's sitting there and the sparks are flying? I don't know how to weld You know, hey, you got a busted aspirated tube. I don't know where that is. I don't know what it is Why am I there? You know

It should be out in the fucking waiting room So anyways, what did he stand there and then just watch something alive? Come out of your vagina. Maybe it's it's kind of because I hear that guys have like maybe performance issues after that You know There's a whole bunch of things that could be going on here. So I don't want to put too many How are you guys doing financially? How is his job security? You know, does he spend a lot of money? Is this the other shoe about ready to drop? Are you one of those?

one of those couples That I see on those reality shows You know, does he wear like a lot of t-shirts or like button-down shirts that have a lot of designs on them a lot of drawing You know, does he fake tan? Is he one of those guys? Because if he's one of those guys, then I would guess that you're actually broke and have been broke for eight months And he does not tell you Um, but if he's a regular guy

All right, I'm joking around too much about this. This is actually a serious thing. All right. Help me, bill It's hard not to take this personally Um, I would bring it up to him You got to sit down and uh Hopefully he's not a walled off emotional psycho like most guys if you bring it up And hopefully you can bring it up to him without him getting mad But um, I that's what I would do

I'd bring it up and just be like, hey, uh, you know, you haven't been banging me lately and uh, I know I'm looking pretty good And you do it all the time. But what's the deal? You know, just that's the essence of it. Just stretch that out into about eight minutes and say a lot of loving things Um Do that thing when you put your hand on the you know, the women they put their hand on your their forearm on the dude's forearm And they and they move you move your thumb side to side You just be like, hey How come we're not fucking I don't know how to do it

That's what I would do. I think you need to talk to him rather than me. Uh, I would not take it personally You know, you're you're a fucking champ You love giving blowjobs You're in the prime of your life. You had a kid. What did you do? You got yourself right back in shape? You're in the best shape of your life. It's not on you. So I wouldn't take it personally So there's obviously something going on with him and you love the guy. So try to help him bring it out you know Oh, Jesus. All right, there you go. There's that

I hope that helped. I don't fucking know. Let's let's take a break from my ignorant My ignorant fucking advice to talk to you about this everybody E voice E voice is the reason you're gonna make more money in 2013 Well, actually it's your great idea combined with E voice. All right, E voice. Don't take all the credit You know All right, when your customers call you'll have your own toll-free number Professional greeting dial by name directory and more you'll sound more like a fortune 500 company and you'll blow away your competitors

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You know that father's day is coming up I was speaking of which yesterday. I took my mother out for an ice cream for mother's day And I got up to the window And I realized I didn't have any money and then she had to pay for it I did hit an ATM on the way home, but it really kind of killed a lot of the vibe um But anyways, I was happy to be home for mother's day. So after mother's day, what comes next everybody memorial day What comes after that flag day what comes after they

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man great.com And at the coupon code burp urr at the checkout. All right, there you have it So back to the back to the questions Back to the questions here. What the hell am I? All right Can we find it there we go All right, this one's titled. Oh jesus Uh

Dear billy goat fuckface. There's a new one. There's a new one. I am a 23 year old man from Paducah, kentucky Now, why would you tell me that I didn't want to read that there's probably 18 people in your Your town, right? Needless to say there isn't much to do about five months ago. I met a girl who's two years younger than me And moved into town from fucking east kanga manga We hit it off almost instantly. It was great You know what I'm gonna have somebody bleep out this city

All right, I gotta have him bleep out the city in the state He goes we hit it off almost instantly. It was great. She is beautiful educated and has a great ass Sorry a little al Pacino for you We took things slow And I found that to be something unique in today's time Most girls give it up within a day or two But she wanted to take things slow and I appreciated that I found myself falling head over heels for this girl I hadn't been with anyone in over two years and I felt that it if she was

Wait, and I felt as if she was a sign that maybe there was a bit of hope in this world to be happy And she communicated with me that she felt the same way Okay, so About two weeks ago. We went out to a bar And we had some drinks played some pool and had a great time and ended up getting a little frisky with each other I drove her home totally expecting that tonight would be the night I was going to bang this beautiful woman when we reached her driveway. We started making out in the car And

Asked if she wanted to come in she got real quiet and said under her breath. Yes, but And of course I said but what and that's when she told me She is a transsexual I literally yelled I was so shocked by what I heard I could hardly keep myself together and I told her him whatever that I wasn't going to go upstairs with her And I would call it tomorrow And she got out of the car crying and said I was born this way

Like some lady Gaga shit Wait a minute trans what is what is what is transsexual like a hermaphrodite? Wait a second Ah, Jesus, bill. You're too fucking dumb. Why do you guys why do you guys write me? Is this is this the fun? Is this the fun part of it? Just finding out how fucking dumb I am Transsexual this is hilarious now. I have this on my search engine transsexual And nia will use my computer and look up like transcontinental and transsexual is gonna come off

Bill is there something we need to talk about? Um transsexual here we go a person Who's undergone a sex change operation? A person whose sexual identification Is entirely with the opposite sex All right, well that just may be even more confused So if you had an operation, how are you born this way? Or she's or the person saying I just identified with being a female

Oh, I said because so they had a so the dude had a sex change operation Okay, he goes I haven't spoke to her Sense It's s i n c e not s e n c s e That night Besides a few text messages She's going on about how much she loves me and she is sorry. She didn't tell me sooner It's even gone as far as me having to turn off my phone because she won't stop calling. I've never been pursued like this before

What do I do? Part of me actually feels bad, but I can't see myself banging an ass every night Well, my sweaty balls slap against her sweaty balls. Now, wait a minute. I thought the person had the operation. Don't they remove that? You know, I don't fucking know regardless of how gay this may sound. I still think she's incredibly hot I knew it was too good to be true Should I tell her that I'm just not interested anymore and completely cut her off or should I be your friend? Or should I go bang a rest? It's weird

The thought of banging her ass excites me But the thought of her junk swinging around makes me want to throw up just thinking about it Thanks bill and come do a show in such and such state sometime you fuck um What should you do, um I don't know I honestly don't know what's funny is You're literally

Just like you're mentally where she is sexually You know I don't know like You got it. You got a it's like you're standing on the state line and you got a foot in either state Just like her You know So I think your your emotions are normal And I hate when fucking people get offended by this shit and they go

Fucking you, you know, they get all offended like that dude is now a woman It's like no that is a dude That fucking uh Is a different kind of dude now You know, it's that's not a woman It's still a dude It's just a different kind of dude, you know what it's like you ever see when somebody does uh Buys an old car and they take all the chrome off it. They want that nice clean look. Yeah, that's what they do to their their their their crotch

You know, that's a dude that took the chrome off You know I don't know what to tell you Other than uh I don't I don't know do do like that that's fucking I don't know do do do whatever the fuck you want to do Is what I I would say Let me go back and read what you said. Should I tell I'm not just anymore?

All right part of me actually feels bad because I can see myself Because I can't see myself banging an ass every night while my sweaty balls slap against her sweaty balls Well, if it makes you feel better, I don't think the balls are there anymore Although they might have kept them like a hood ornament. I have no idea Yeah, Jesus I really am a moron. Uh, regard regardless of how gay this may sound. I still think she's incredibly hot You know, why don't you just split the difference and get a blowjob, I don't know what to tell you That's so funny. I knew it was too good to be true this poor bastard

um I I would say this I'd say you'd want to sit on that decision Don't be like the baltimore colts In the 1983 draft Did you guys just watch that 30 for 30 where they immediately walked up two seconds in and they selected john elway You know rather than fucking wait in the full two minutes or whatever to see if anybody gave him an offer And then they ended up with nothing. I would I'd sit on this one for a minute. Um And I think that this person's actually pursuing you

The way that they are because they're in a desperate situation Which is that the whole thing is in reality the whole thing is unfortunate You know people should be able to be who they are You should be able to like who you like and that person should be able to from Day one say that they're transsexual Without getting judged the reason why they didn't say it was because they were worried about this fucking moment here Which once again is another sad depressing thing

about humanity Um, I would say follow your heart, sir You know And not your balls If you really want to find love There you go balls in your court No pun intended All right advice for a young

lady Hey, billington Um very very original ones this this this week people coming up with different ways to butcher my name. I'm I'm enjoying these I am in need of some advice for a young lady I love and I love that some women are actually piping in despite the fact How much I talk about hockey on this podcast? What do you say women don't like hockey? Yes, this is what I'm saying

Um, I'm an 18 year old high school senior entering my freshman year of college I got into my dream school with the scholarship. Ah, do you know how bad I wish that I did that? Wish I studied in high school Anyways, and I'm moving out of my shithole town and everything finally Finally seems to be making up for all the shit that I went through in high school One of my really good friends Is going to the same university as I am and we're renting an apartment together However, my friend is an 18 year old straight guy and I am a straight girl

uh-oh The gender thing could add a whole other level of difficulty on top of adjusting to living with a new person in a new city Uh away from everything I grew up around we've been friends practically since we were in diapers We can talk jam out to 70s rock and watch the chapel show for hours And we've never had issues with weirdness before But I do understand that college introduces a lot of firsts and I'm not gonna lie I'm a little nervous that a few too many Oh having a few too many drinks during a welcome weekend could lead to some inappropriateness

Weirder things weird things have happened um I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our nearly two decade long friendship So this kind of sounds like you're a little attracted to this guy If you're just worried that something's gonna happen or maybe you are you're 18 You're going from your parents house to all of a sudden living with the guy Maybe that's what it is I'm gonna guess that that's what it is. So anyway, so my question

What tips do you have to stop anyone from stepping over the line with the male slash female roommate? Also in general, what tips do you have for living with a roommate? Nia's opinion on this would be epic Thanks, and fuck you Yeah, that was Nia's great. Fuck you last week. Um, you know what maybe this wednesday I will do another Nia look and while I'll read this one, but right now. I'll just give you my own ignorant Thought on it. Oh, wait, wait. By the way, there's there's a ps to this everybody There's an epilogue

Just like the streets of san francisco ps might I add That we've both been in various relationships while friends He often asked me for girl advice and I ask him for guy advice He currently has a girlfriend who I really like and am friends with but they are breaking up in june when she leaves to study abroad I am currently single. Oh, yeah, you guys are gonna bang within fucking eight minutes Within eight minutes of your of your college career um

All right, so basically what you want to do You're not asking me should you or should you not move in with this guy? You're gonna move in with this guy So Um, what you're really saying is basically how do I not fuck this guy? Well, I can only do it from the male perspective Which is what I would do is every morning before I ever even walked out into the living room was I would rub one out To try to get that fucking You know

Urge out of me I think what you need to do is sit down and talk with the guy And just say listen, we have a great friendship, but I don't want to ruin this. I know we're moving in together and everything but um You know, obviously we're gonna be in close quarters You know sharing a bathroom and blah blah blah blah blah You know what you have to do you have to lay down the law if that's what you really want to do But if you actually like this guy like I think you might

Um, if you actually like him like him and think you could actually did I just say that if you like like I mean like like him Like him like him like him. Do you know what I mean? Do you want me to call you guys? This could be the one If you actually like this dude like that then you should not move in with him You should be in a separate apartment And uh That way if you start dating him You don't immediately start by living with one another

You know That's just too far down the road So what I would do if I was you is I would sit down and talk to him Okay, if you don't like this guy like this and you really want to preserve your friendship I would sit down and have a talk to him a talk with him and just say listen We cannot get drunk and make out and in fucking round second base slide into third We can't we can't do this shit. All right Okay, I'm telling you that right now

It's not happening Or whatever you got to say or if you actually really like this guy Um You got to tell him that Just say I think maybe I like you a little more Just say I think maybe I like you a little more Then just friends. I don't know. I don't know if this is just a little phase. I have no idea But if that's the case, I don't want to move in with you

You know Does that make sense? You know what you're right. There's gonna be a neolog this week everybody. Fuck this I'm too dumb to answer this one. This one involves feelings that I don't understand All right, so basically that's the podcast for this week everybody. Um Once again, I want to thank emerson college For giving me uh That award and I want to thank steven right for bringing me up and saying all those nice things that he did and uh

lastly But not leastly. I'm gonna be uh I'm gonna be at the mirage casino in las vegas This friday and saturday night Then I have a week off And then I'm gonna do a nice tour through jersey Maryland and uh, baltimore. I'll be at the count basie theater on may 29th

With the teen idol sensation fresh off his hit half hour special on comedy central Um, we're gonna be the count basie theater in red bank, new jersey On june 30th. I will be in baltimore, maryland. Sorry don't have my the name of the theater in front of me on the 31st of june of may Also known as june 1st Or is there 34? There is 31st may 31st. I will be in east in pennsylvania and then on june 1st

I'll be in atlantic city for two shows So if you're in or around that area area Why don't you come on out? You know come out to some shows And uh, hopefully i'll make you laugh your a show off there Oh, hey, I got to thank that crowd that came out to the bottle rock Uh, bottle rocket music festival. I did a show at four in the afternoon while a band was playing right next door and uh

I fought through that bass line that was crushing all of my jokes and the level of patience that that crowd showed was was phenomenal Um, all right. So here we go. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit from anybody And uh in the last little bit of advertising here Ladies and gentlemen Now that the show is over go sign up for your free account with personal capital So you can see all of your assets on one screen pay less broker Pay less and broker fees and make all your investments grow faster Go to the podcast page on billbird.com click on the personal capital banners

That's the podcast page on billbird.com to click on the personal capital banner and set up your free account And also Now that the show is over go also go set up your free trial of evo so you can start making more money Go to evoist.com and use your promo code bill. That's evoist.com promo code bill Or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click the evoist banner right now. All right. Have a wonderful week And uh, I'll talk to you about vegas next week. All right. Go Bruins Uh, I have no hate towards toronto. All right Okay, so I don't care when you send me your obnoxious stuff

I know you guys are just excited because you haven't won anything since 1967 You know, which is rough. Does anybody deserve that? No, except for montreal canadian fans. All right. See you