Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-19

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Bill rambles about drugstores, dirty birds, and perverts in the park.

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2013, 2019. What's going on? And as the kids say, how are you? They don't say that. What do they say? What's crack-a-lackin'? Sorry. Is there anything worse than when an old white guy tries to sound like a young white guy

trying to sound like a black guy? Is there anything worse? Bill, I think there's a lot worse if you pay attention to the news. That's my point. That's my fucking point. Bad owl, bad owl. I'm playing, I'm playing I'm Broken Tonight at the goddamn comedy jam, Pantera song. I mean fucking Josh Adam Myers.

That fucking song, it fits in with a lot of shit that you want to say, you know. Like how we came up with playing that song was, he was going to, he was talking about, he goes, I got this tour going out for the troops. I'm going to be here and be here. Going to be there. And then he was trying to say abadabi and we was fucking it up and then we figured out how to say it and I would have been listening to that I'm broken song. So we went abadabadui, abadabi, abadabadidu, right?

And then it just continued on. Wait tonight, I'm at the downtown comedy club, downtown comedy club, downtown, downtown, downtown comedy club. Abadabadadab. Sorry. If you don't know the fucking song, you're probably like, what are you talking about right now? Well, you don't fuck you.

All right. I'm entitled to have a little fucking left turn every once in a while. I have this weird thing where I'm really in a great mood. It's really early. I'm knocking this out. I'm in a fantastic mood, but at the same time, I think I got bit by a fucking pack of spiders or something. Dude, my left foot is, is red as my fucking beard.

They got me there. They got me in the back of my, my thigh, my left thigh fucked up my right side. And then the inside of my old yet shapely left bicep and then they got me on the fucking right arm. Oh my God. And it's one of those things where it just, it's just this 30% level of itching and you try to ignore it and you try to ignore it. And then when you give in, oh, it's ecstasy for like three seconds.

And then whatever you're scratching, it just goes on fire. And then you just got to lay there. That's what I'm doing. You know, I didn't want to wake up my wife. So, you know, I think technically, I think technically it's still Mother's Day. Shout out to all the strong, independent moms out there, you know, holding it down. Oh, whatever the fuck they say, you know what I mean? I had a great Mother's Day yesterday.

I did. I went out, you know, my wife was like, I want a lot of flowers. I want flowers, just a bunch of flowers. That's what I want. And in my head, I'm like, you have to stop watching the Kardashians. Do you understand that they had, they have people, honey? Okay. There's, there's like, it's a set.

All right. And they buy a thousand dollars with the flowers in the second it's fucking over. They all get $5,000 for promoting that flower company. And then they take that flower thing and they take it down to the hospital and they surprise one patient with dysentery, right? Hopefully they're not claustrophobic because the amount of flowers they have is really just going to fill up the guy's room. All right.

So you know what? I went out and I got the flowers. I'm a trooper. I was like, I'm not going out and getting a million fucking flowers. By the way, I was on the other side of the world fucking five, six days ago, right? So here I am. Now I'm going to a fucking flower shop. And they're like, what do we do for you?

It's like, what do you mean? What can you do? It's fucking Mother's Day on Sunday. You know what you can do for me? Help me out. Give me an arrangement there, sweetie. A couple of bouquets, is it right? Bouquet bouquet.

I don't know what the fuck it is, vases, the whole fucking thing. So now it's like, I can't bring them in. I got them in the trunk of the fucking cat. You know, I go over to the fucking right aid, which, you know, three, four, two days before Mother's Day is fucking wrong. Yeah, you know, when you're trying to find a fresh fucking card, every card's been picked up, sniveled on, fucking red, none of them are in the right area. So you can't find an envelope to fit the fucking card.

I swear to God, if I ran a goddamn drugstore, two things I would do. One every night, I'd have some pimple-faced kid get over to the cards and get them back where they fucking belong, all right? I might even hire a fucking 80-year-old security guard just to watch people with the cards just so you can be like, eh, it doesn't go there. You can't put it back in the right place. And then, then I would get some fucking ice cream that's of a higher level for these fucking cute old people that always come in there.

You know what I mean? They always come in there and they got their disposable phones that they finally filled up and they come in there trying to get the film developed and it just doesn't exist anymore. And it's their little cute, you know, greatest generation bottom lip-starts fucking quiver and you hit them up with some ice cream, some good ice cream, not that shit that has the sandy aftertaste like they have there. Is there anything cuter than when you're in one of those typical long fucking lines at a drugstore, Dwayne Reed, CVS, Rite Aid, because they run a fucking skeleton crew.

You know? There's always like, there's like, there's fucking like nine registers and there's always like one person up there. It's like, what are the other ones for? It's fucking just like back in the day when you'd go see a band and they just have a wall of Marshall stacks and only one of them was on. The others are just cabinets. They didn't even have fucking anything in them.

That's my thing. And I think out of the fucking eight cash registers at a drugstore, all right, I think only like three of them work. I love when there's a super fucking long line and one of the cashiers like, can I get some fucking assistance up here on the fucking line, please? Right? And you're like, good, somebody's going to come up here and fucking get on it. And you're just the most lethargic, like a toddler when the kid doesn't want to go

to bed. He comes fucking walking up. No sense of urgency. No nothing. And you just like, you know what, you fucking suck. One of the worst fucking things that you can do is, is hate your job and then make other people pay for it. It's not my fucking fault.

This is where your life is right now. Geez, you know, I learned that as a comedian. It's not my fault. Only five fucking people showed up. So now I'm going to lean on the mic stand and not even fucking try. I'm going to give you five people a fucking show. All right. It's called being a professional.

Fally's fucking dickheads. They're all on fucking Instagram, seeing all this shit, all this fucking workout stuff and, you know, workout goals, relationship goals and all of that shit. You fucking idiots. Man, how the fuck are you going to get to that? If you can't handle the most basic job, you don't even have to punch in the numbers anymore. You just hold them in front of a scanner. It's so fucking easy.

They're teaching the customers how to do your goddamn job. Oh, don't get me started. By the way, fuck New York city's airports. I'm going to eat a Thanksgiving dinner before I fucking go to the airport out there from here on out. Every goddamn fucking place you go, I got, I got a banana and I got to figure out how to fucking scan a banana. And there's people behind the counter.

They're not even looking at you. I was so fucking pissed. I went to like four fucking places and everyone had one of those self-checkout things. And I'm a little embarrassed that I did this, but I was so fucking mad. You know, I've been working on my temper that I was just like, this is like fucking ridiculous. And I fucking squeezed the banana. Yeah, and if you watch the Discovery Channel, you'll see no more animals on it. You've got to have animal planet, national geographic, the white trash channel.

When you're looking at animals, right, and you know, some gorilla could eat that fucking thing. The other night, my lovely wife put on this nature show, right? She goes, you should watch this. This is amazing. And we were watching it. It was amazing because I can't watch these fucking shows because inevitably it comes to the unbelievably fucking jaw on the ground depression of what we've done to nature and

what the fuck is coming. You know, do you realize how fucking pathetic and ridiculous it is that we're actually giving news time to people getting offended by standup comedy jokes? He said that joke at a show. I wasn't at. I was offended. Really? We're losing like fucking half the fucking rainforest.

It seems like every goddamn fucking year it gets halved again or whatever. You know, what is your problem? I'm really waiting for that day. The day somebody on the corporate end just stands up to these fucking idiots. Anyway, so we were watching this one, this one thing about this fucking bird, man. It's hilarious. Like these birds, they got to like, they got to, they always, they always got to, the birds are beginning into showing off.

You know, I think the female birds, I think birds in general, they're very shallow. They like the fucking Jersey Shore growing up, Gotti of the animal kingdom is birds because so much of their shit is like the males, they fucking puff out their chest. Oh, look at my fucking colors over here. And then like the birds are sitting there. Oh my God. Look at that one. They're packing some fucking meat over there, right?

So anyway, they got this one bird, this black bird, the fucking thing. First of all, it tidies up its whole area in the forest. When I say tidy up, I mean, not a twig, not a fucking branch. It was immaculate. I remember looking at, I was watching that thing like I could fucking live with that bird. All right. Cause one of the big things I hated when I was, uh, when I was a single man was living

with other guys. Like I never, I never understood that whole, there were guys, uh, got a pizza crust in the cushion, pick it up, do the fucking dishes. Fucking animal. Oh man. I swear to God. If you're a fucking single guy right now, I fucking prided myself on that. Some woman came over, my clothes were folded.

They were fucking ironed. The place smelled good. It looked good. Wow. What do you have a service? No, I'm an adult. Now get over here and undo my 501 blues. Sorry.

It was a long time ago. 501 blues were all the fucking rage a long time ago. Oh, wait a minute. I think my foot is, it's not as red as it was yesterday. Red dead red dead redemption. Um, anyway, the fuck am I talking about? Talking about all the birds. So this bird cleans up the whole area in the forest.

All right. And then when I tell you this fucking thing, put on a fucking soul train fucking, I don't know what you'd call it. This, and this fucking bird was watching. I like, it would, it could make all these different shapes. I've never seen anything like it. It like, it started off, it like put both of its wings, like up, up in front of it said Nia Swardegard.

It took like a big like inhale and exhale before it started like, like, okay, gotta get some pussy. Right. And it fucking brings it's, it's, uh, both its wings up in front of its face like a vampire. And then it just slams the wings down and fucking puffs up its chest. Like it was in, like it looked like a dance move in like that rhythm nation Janet Jackson video. Right.

The bird was like, I miss you much. Oh, I miss you much. Right. This fucking thing you can't believe and it was spinning around. I got to find out. I got, I have to find this fucking clip. And then in the end, right? And then the female birds looking down like, Oh my God, look at him.

He's like the best fucking dancer. Right. And the fucking thing is spinning around from looking down where she was, it looked like a top and the thing kept stopping and doing like, it was like pop lock in and think it was fucking unbelievable. Then in the end, it said for like the crescendo, it started, you know, like this, this yellow when it's chest or something, and it would be spinning and then puff out and flash it just for a second though, gave her a glimpse, big, two yellow spots like that fucking ring

Kobe bought his wife, right? After that road trip, playing the nuggets. Um, and then the, finally the birds like, Oh my God, don't judge me, but I got to fuck that. And then after this fucking like Tony Monaro, was that his name and fucking staying alive? Vinny fucking Barbarino goddamn dance. She's finally like, all right, you're worthy of banging me. And this thing flies up behind her doggy style as a bird and proceeds to fuck this thing

for about, I think maybe the thing two strokes and it was done after all of this fucking dancing. It was like bang bang done, you know, I don't know. I got to admit, it looked a little date rapey. Like all of a sudden she was over the apartment. He was like, this is this and the day it's put on some fucking music. And then all of a sudden Jesus Christ, and it was over. Birds going to get me too.

Check it out if you can. That's a fun part to watch, but the rest of it is, is, you know, I don't know. It's just there's something, uh, people who do shit to kids, women and animals. Like I, I don't, they, they, I don't know. You should just be taken out. You should just be removed from general population. And people who fucking walk half assed up to a goddamn register to fucking right aid. There's nobody.

There's nobody there. Nobody fucking there. Um, fucking 9,000 people trying to buy Mother's Day cards and then people in the back trying to get a refill on their fucking oxy. That's what a thing is, right? And then some old person, sort of drug stories and an old person trying to develop their film downtown comedy club, um, all right. What else?

What else are we going to move on to? Um, oh, so the Mother's Day after I had the flowers, I had the flowers and everything all set up, right? I had some in the kitchen. I had some in the living room and then I had a, I had a vase, a vase full of some roses. Now my wife does not like red roses. All right. In case you're going to do your little bird dance and try to woo her, right?

Um, yeah, they got, they got all different colored roses now. Red roses are like the white people of, of flowers where they were getting all the work and now they're being a little more diverse with the roses. Um, they got some yellow ones. I'm not going to fucking make the joke there. Um, so anyways, I got some fucking, I got some of the flowers, then I got a card from my daughter, my lovely daughter to my wife. So then I had it all planned out.

All right. Let mother bear sleep, make her some waffles in the bacon and all of that shit. Right. Um, so I get my daughter up and she says what she always says when she comes in and she sees the best dad in the world. You know what she says to me every morning? She says, I want to see mama. Uh, Jesus Christ.

Anyway, um, the mothers, they just had the mothers have that it factor. I'll tell you right now, you know, if, if you're pregnant right now with your first fucking kid as a guy, you wait, you wait to what you will, you see with, with your, your wife, girlfriend, whatever your fucking situation is, like it's, it's such a beautiful thing. Watching the person you're with become a mom. It's amazing. So anyway, we have her, uh, I have a walk down the hall. How much I'm crushing it with the card that I wrote, like the way she talks.

And then I gave her one of the roses. She knocked on the door, filmed the whole thing and she came in, gave her the rose, gave her the card, big smile for my wife, crushing the whole thing. Then I, uh, then I just took my lovely daughter for the whole, basically the whole day so she could just fucking do whatever. Um, took it down. You know, they got this place we can like ride horses and stuff like that. Um, took her to the playground and up and down the slide.

We ran around, I chased her. I did all of that stuff and, uh, oh, I forgot to tell my wife, some boy fucking hit my daughter yesterday on the jungle gym or whatever you call it. You know, just hit him and there was a, this dad was fucking Australian. You know, and he was just like, I can't, I can't do this. That's it. No, I show. I can't, I can't do a fucking Australian accent, um, not at five 30 in the morning.

He's like, say you're sorry, say you're sorry. I didn't even give a fuck. It wasn't, it wasn't, you know, it was a love tap. It wasn't that hard. But the kid, my daughter was walking up to go, uh, play with something. They have all these like things on the, it's like a giant, I don't know, it looks like a ship and it also looks like a tree for it. I don't know what the fuck it is.

There's hallways and slides and things to climb on. It's a whole other level from like, you know, when I was a kid, you just had the jungle gym, which was just metal bars. And if you were lucky, there was sand underneath it. You know, I seem to remember there was like that probably wasn't tar. They weren't that dumb. Um, but anyway, uh, she ran up to this thing, you know, you pretend like you're steering a ship or something.

And the kid just came up and just like boxed her up like a great form, you know, got the butt, pushed her out and started playing. And I hear this Australian guy going, you know, we're all crying, he put another strip of the Bobby and let that fucking kid, kid was there first, right? And the kid, and my kid was just standing there, but I guess she was infringing on his spaces. She turned around and gave me, he gave her a backhand to the belly. And that's one of those times where as a, as a dad, you got to do the judgment call.

And I was like, all right, that's kids being kids. Let's see how this plays out. And she kind of looked down her belly and then she looked at him, put her eyebrows down. And I mean, it wasn't a big deal. And the other dad stepped in quick enough. It's like when a ref gets in an NHL fight before it becomes a fight, becomes two minutes for roughing for both people and the whole crowd booze, like nothing ended up happening. So I just kind of let it go.

And she's not old enough, you know, for me to explain selfish assholes and how not to take shit from people, but believe me, believe you me, that fucking conversation is coming. That conversation is definitely fucking coming at some point. That's one of the, that's one of the sad things about sending your kid around with other kids is what they'll do is they'll, they'll take a little bit of your light, you know, especially if they see you doing something or whatever, or they'll just be fucking mean and selfish. And I think that's something I don't know. They don't, they just teach you fucking numbers and letters and all of that crap.

They don't, they don't teach you how to deal with assholes. Like, you don't need to take that shit. You know, I'm telling you, I'm working on my wife right now, but I'm going to get my daughter when she gets bigger. I'm going to get her into, I think the Gracie's or somebody out here, one of those legendary fight families. They actually teach a anti-bullying class and it teaches kids how to defend themselves and it also teaches kids when they learn these skills to not go and bully kids and to stick

up for the other kids. I'm going to get her into that shit because I saw a thing, you know, there was this woman, she was taking, she was taking this, this doing this bikini shoot in a park, you know, and she was in the middle of the shoot and she looked over and there was some guy standing there masturbating, right? Now, obviously the guy is wrong, but you know what, every, you know, basically, I'll just get to the whole fucking thing here, right? So she's like, she was shocked.

She's like, could you please stop doing it? And the guy was like, God, come on, you know, you like it. And then she just snapped and she had trained in MMA and she beat the fuck out of the guy, right? And now he's arrested and he's trying to say, I was just going to the bathroom. Oh yeah, were you going to piss in your face? What the fuck was your dick doing? Your dick didn't get the memo there, buddy.

So anyway, that's obviously, that's a great story. And I mean, there's nothing better than when a woman beats the shit out of a pervert that fucking, you know, was being a pervert, right? But I haven't said that. If you look at the bathing suit she had on, it was just like her whole ass was out. You know, your whole ass is out and you're in a park. What is in a park? Huh?

Trees, birds, muggers and creeps. You know what I mean? What the fuck are you doing? Going into a park with your whole ass out. I don't, I don't fucking understand. And there was just something fucking hilarious about it. I was like, could you not jerk off to me while I take these pictures that guys are going to jerk off to when they get in a magazine or get put online, whatever the fuck they

do now. I don't know. That's what I think. Then you need like old school parenting. Like if I was your dad, I'd be like, Hey man, that's great. That's great. You handled your business with that guy. You know, hey, not for nothing.

You know, next time you wear a bathing suit like that, why don't you just do it at a friend's house in the backyard instead of going to a park, which is ground zero. Like, I think a central park in New York city. I can't imagine the streak that they're on that somebody for like at all moments during the day, including at night, there's somebody in that park jerking off without a fucking doubt. Fucking go in there, living your truth with your whole ass out. Do you know back in the day if like you had a bathing suit, you couldn't even show like

your knee. And now people come out like, I'll say these Larry Burge. I'm talking to the guys too. The Larry Bird short shorts are coming back. I saw a guy with the short shorts on, no shirt and just sneakers jogged by me and I just started laughing. I was like, yeah, that guy is like 98% naked. It just became like it's become this thing where as long as you cover your ass, not even

your ass crack, all you got to do is cover your veg or your dick and balls. I want to be inclusive. Paces any hermaphrodite, your veg dick and balls. You can't tell me if somebody's a hermaphrodite, right? And they got a big enough dick that they don't try to push it into their own pussy. They have to do it, right? There's no fucking way. All right, with that, let's fucking do some aftertaste.

How frustrating would that be, right? And then as your dick started getting harder, they would want to stand up and go away from your vagina. And then you just be like, Lord, when does this torture end? All right, there you go. There's that. Okay, all right. That is, is this supposed to be man scape?

It says mass scape, M-A-S-C-A-P-E. I got to look this up. This is a new advertiser and I tried to be as welcoming as possible. No, it's man scape. All right. It's okay. Man scape, everybody. Uh, for the Monday morning podcast, wait, for the Monday morning podcast comes from

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It was also texted to me. This is the backup. This is the backup. What the fuck is it? Scroll in, scroll in, scroll in, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, scroll in, scroll in, scroll in, man scape. No, this is the same copy. All right, I'm just going to read it. Man scape.

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Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?

Right? Right? How about your Boston Bruins, everybody up to games to none, making it look easy against the Carolina Hurricanes? Having said that, I do not believe that this series is going to be as easy as it's looked. I think that first game was actually a tough game. And I don't know, so are you out of here? Yesterday's game, that's just one of those fucking games.

Everybody just sucked on Carolina, and they're going to shake it off, and I think they're going to come up, and it's going to be a tough game three, and we can't let them off the map. How funny was fucking Bergeron? And by the way, how the fuck did he not, not Bergeron, sorry, Marchand, when he got the captain on that team to fucking take a stupid penalty, but I don't understand with his reputation how he didn't call for a high stick. He fucking had it up against the guy's neck like a sickle, and then dragged him down to

the ice. And the entire time they're doing the replay, none of the announcers mentioned his high stick. I don't know, but that guy is so fucking funny. When he just sits there, he's pointing to the ref like he just got fucked over, and then he points to the penalty box, and as the guy's chirping at him, he minds the captain C that's on the guy's jersey, and then he kind of makes a face like, you're that captain? I'd hate to see the assistant captain. That's a classic Brad Marchand moment.

And I'm going to tell you why I really like this year's Boston Bruins is we have a devastating combination of guys like Bergeron, Craigie, Marchand, Chara, okay, Tuka to a certain extent because I think he was back up that last time when we won the cup. They've been there. They know what it fucking takes. And when you get veterans like that, they, they sense the moments during the game. You know, when the push, when to be, I don't know what the fucking deals, they just fucking, they just know.

They just fucking know. And then we got all these young guys that are just playing fucking great for us. And having said all of that, I am scared shitless of the San Jose sharks. That is a loaded team. They've been loaded for years and you got to think one of these years, they're going to fucking push through. I think they win that series easily against St. Louis. And if we are lucky enough to get to the finals, but if I honestly, if I was, you know, my

heart is picking the Bruins. But if I had to really just look at people like, I think the San Jose sharks are looking like world beaters and the perennial favorites are all knocked out this year. So it's anybody's cup. And I think all of that bodes well for your sharks out there in San Jose, San Jose. Anybody watched the F1 race? I was so excited that Valtteri Botos won another poll because there's really no racing. There's really, there's fucking weird.

You're just watching these cars go around the fucking track and it seems like there's like 10 pass. It's all about the start of the race. So the fucking race starts, Valtteri Botos is, he's got pole position. He's got the inside on the first fucking turn. I think, did he? Or maybe he didn't. All I know.

No, he didn't. So the fucking race starts, Lewis Hamilton's in second place, gets a better fucking start. Botos said he had a problem with the clutch. He was acting weird. And Lewis Hamilton comes up, he's immediately just wheel to wheel with them and the first turns are right turn and Lewis is on the inside. Sebastian Vettel comes screaming up and gets on the other side of Botos like he's going to get squeezed now.

And he goes so late on the brakes, he slams on the brakes and ends up getting a flat spot on his fucking front tire that kind of screwed his race and fucking Lewis Hamilton gets in first place and I was just, I just, I was so psyched, my wife was still sleeping, my daughter was still sleeping and the race came on at like 6.30 in the morning and I'm like, I'm going to be able to watch this thing in real time. This is fucking exciting. All right. I'd made myself some healthy fucking pancakes, meaning they don't taste like pancakes at

all. And I was sitting there, I was enjoying them and within the first fucking six seconds, the fucking race is over. Lewis Hamilton gets in first place. It's over. The fucking race is over. And it was. So I'm sitting there watching the race, hoping Ferrari's going to do something, impressed

that the Americans, I think we were in, we were in fifth and sixth place to start the race or sixth and seventh. We kind of were able to hold those positions mostly for the whole race, you know? But it's just like, there's no fucking competition. So I actually literally looked up F1 boring. And I went out and I just looked up some articles and it has something to do with when they got, this one person was claiming it had to do with when they got rid of the cigarette advertising that they slap, put all over all the cars and those mid level people could

actually compete and, um, and something about the aerodynamics where everything now is so much about the fucking aerodynamics that if you're in the, in the lead, you, you make the air so dirty behind you, it's so difficult for someone to fucking pass you. And then also the cars are wider. All you can do right after Lewis Hamilton gets into the, in first place, all you're seeing, all you're hoping for now is that he mismanages his tires. They have the wrong fucking tires on that Mercedes fucks up a pit stop and it just doesn't happen. Having said that, I still love the sport, but like they need to do something because

it's just, there's the two Mercedes cars and then there's just, it's just you watching two teammates battle it out with each other. And I have to be honest, I've been watching it since 2015 and that's all I've seen every year they are Ferrari is your Ferrari. They're really going to fucking blah, blah, blah. Nope. Nope. They just don't.

I don't know. When I go back and I've, you know, I'm a member there on the F one website and when you watch those old racing, even from like the nineties, I mean, it's terrible when they had the camera in the cockpit, it's fucking terrifying. You just looking at the designs and just like these, these guys were fucking lunatics. And that was the height of safety at that point compared to, you know, 30 years before you've already an incredible book on formula one racing, read a book that's called to the limit.

It was about the first American to win the F one championship and just the level of death that happened spectators and shit. I know I've talked about this before, but you got to read the book at one point, somebody gets hit, the hood of their car comes off and spins into the audience like a fucking Chinese star and decapitates like four fucking people in one row. Um, I don't know, it's still a great sport, but it's also like the cars are so, I don't know what it is. They just, there's just no passing.

So if you want to get into racing, I hate to say this because I love F one. I love the tradition of it and all that, but you got to go MotoGP. It's the best shit out there. The motorcycle racing. I mean, granted, it's not on fucking direct TV anymore. So I have to watch it on the website. Takes him a long time to upload the previous race. So I'm already a couple of races behind.

I finally saw the, um, the race from the Americas, the one in Austin where I didn't even, I didn't even hear about it. We're fucking, uh, Mark Marquez was just fucking riding along turn 12. I believe that's where I was when I went to the F one race down there. He just, I don't know. Trail breaking. Whatever the fuck that means. And he just dumped the bike.

Um, anyways, that's my little fucking thing. I still love it. A congratulations to the Toronto Raptors. Okay. Year after year, they can't get it done. And all of a sudden was it, it's, uh, Leonard. The fuck is his first? I don't want to fuck up his first name because I like this guy.

This guy's an old school fucking basketball player, um, Toronto. He had a fucking shot, Kiwi, Kiwi Leonard hit that fucking shot at the buzzer in Toronto. I mean, I have to be, I don't know what, I don't know what the fucking San Antonio spurs were thinking when they got rid of that guy. That guy, that guy is the guy that's the guy you build your team around. He's just like, you know, and all I love is when he does shit, he's not thumping his shit like this. I have to, I can't even watch the fucking NBA that fucking bullshit.

Will you dunk, uh, the ball and then you got to make this mean face at fucking kids in the crowd. Like, what are you doing thumping your fucking chest? I would love to see the amount of times when they show those fucking highlights of the game, and then they should have the stat, whether his team actually fucking one or not. I never saw Jordan do that. Jordan didn't do that.

Get the fuck back on defense. You dunked the bad, you fucking six foot 10, it's like a nerf rim. Um, I don't know, but that's what it is. This is this generation that grew up with fucking social media and just everything is about them. Everything's about them. Um, did I talk about, oh, did I ever tell you that fucking story? I told you the story with a lady to ask me to push it down the hill when I was in Iceland.

Um, yeah, I already told that story. Fucking weirdest thing ever. Um, all right, let's, uh, let's read. Let's read some shit here. Oh my God. I think I've turned the corner with my foot. I have. Look at that.

The only thing that gave it relief was I went into the shower and just like really hot water. I don't know why, but it gave it relief. Um, my foot is on fire. What happened to that band that sang that song? My, your sex is on fire or something like that. Everybody loved them. Then they had one concert and they all got, you know, some birds came in and they shit on them.

And then they're like, we're not fucking playing with birds shit on us. And then, you know, I never heard from them again. You're, wait, your sex is on fire. There's no way that's the lyric. It is your sex is on fire with any, Hey, you should go see a doctor, Kings of Leon. How did that song go? Sex on fire. Sounds like she's got the clap there.

All right. It's to Mallorca, Mallor, M-A-L-L-O-R-C-A. Dear Bill, my name is Andrea or is Andrea or Andrea or Andrea. I am an Italian private chef. All right. I already love you. In the island of Mallorca, Mallorca, Spain, together with my girlfriend Rosa Rosa. We run a little business called natural chef Mallorca, I say, all right, I got to look

this up. I, whatever you're suggesting, I'm going. If you're inviting me to go there to a fucking island off of Spain, are you kidding me Mallorca Yes, Spain, pronunciation. Here we go. Yep. Let me hear it. Where's the microphone?

How to pronounce Mallorca Mallorca. Come on. Say it. Say it. Say it. Mallorca. That's it. Mallorca.

Oh, Mallorca. Mallorca. There's two L's in. Mallorca. Mallorca. Mallorca. Mallorca. Mallorca.

Mallorca. there's two L's in. Mallorca. All right, all right. Mayorca. Invitation from Mallorca, Spain. I've been watching your shows for a year, but never had the chance to see you live. Oh Jesus, I still got the YouTube on there.

Never got a chance to see you live. Well, I never come near you. I could have done these last couple of months in Europe, but all the tickets were sold out. I hope you'll be back soon. Also your podcast is great. Thank you. I listen to it every week. Even when I work, you say too many fucks, so I have to keep it at low volumes since

I have clients with kids. But if they let me stay at their houses alone, you are definitely the guy I listen to. All right, please continue with the fucks, cunts, etc. It's something I would scream sometimes, but luckily there is you. I can blame if someone hears it. All right. By the way, let's get to the point. I would like to invite you and your family here to Mallorca if you have a chance and

cook you some great Mediterranean food. I know you are into a more healthy approach to your diet, so I guess you would love it. Mallorca is great all year round. Obviously the invitation is extended to you, extended to the time it's best for you. And even if you can't make it since it's quite a long flight and maybe you'll have already left Europe anytime next year would be great also. I appreciate it. Appreciate your work and I think you are generally a great person.

Jesus Christ, I might have to frame that one. Well, what's the name of your fucking restaurant? Oh, natural chef Mallorca. Well, I'll try to get my ass over there, man, absolutely. I want to go over there, you know. First of all, I got to see where the fuck this is. Is it south? Mallorca, Spain map.

Is it off the west coast? Do do do do do do do do do do. Mallorca. All right, it is it is. Oh, look at that. Oh my God, it's right in the middle of are you fucking kidding me? I'll go there. You know what my next run of dates I want to do?

I would love to do one in Spain, Portugal, and then Morocco and I am sold on the fucking Mediterranean. If you're a pasty fucking, your ancestors are all from Northern Europe like mine. You owe it to yourself to go to the Mediterranean because those those are the Europeans that know how to live. Now this one, Mallorca is also spelled M-A-J-O-R-C-A. For some reason, we spell it M-A-L-L-O-M. Now that makes sense.

Mallorca, right? Because in Latino, Hispanic there, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say, the J is a Y, right? Like it's Jose. I don't know the fuck I'm talking about. All right. Anyway, I'll definitely, oh my God, I'll definitely do that. You fucking kidding me?

I didn't even notice these islands. I always knew Sicily. The fuck is this one called? This one just right out in the middle of the whole shebang there. And I didn't know that there was a sea within the Mediterranean sea, the Tyrahenian sea. There's another island called Corse. I mean, whoever fucking lives out there, you just, that's it. You want.

You live on an island in the middle of the Mediterranean sea, right? Well, the rest of the world is fucking everything up. You're sitting there eating great food. Oh my God. All right. Hey, I'm in. I'm in. I'll figure something out.

All right. Beastie boys. I'll never be your beastie boy book. Hey, Bill, just a quick suggestion. Since you're enjoying the Beastie Boy book, now you wrote boys. It's Beastie Boy. I, you know, it was killing me about that band because they're like, it's Beastie Boy, not Beastie Boys.

And I always start and fight for your right to party. They say, oh, my bitch has jealous sister Beastie Boys. I thought they said it. You should try the audio version. It's amazing. Each chapter is read by either the remaining members or by some very interesting people. Check it out. Audio books are very interesting, especially for people who travel a lot.

I think you'll enjoy them. Cheers from Brazil. I gotta tell you, I literally just finished that book last night and what I loved about the book beyond the story was amazing was the time, effort and consideration that was put into that book is, is undeniable. Like when I was reading it, there was all these like beyond their story, they had all these little left turns that they would take with all of a sudden a friend of theirs would just like write a chapter.

And then like at the end of the book, they got some guy just, just trashing them, making fun of the different looks they've had throughout their, their career. It's really, really, really amazing. And I think also the way that they handle talking about MCA is just like a really classy way that they did it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great book.

I can't say enough about it. I'll actually check that out because I'm sure they have a, I would say from fans all the way to like legendary rappers, I wish I got more into hip hop, whatever you're supposed to say. I just fucking, I just listened to fucking white boy metal. That's all I did. And like my dad's big band swing records. Another great thing about that book though is the amount of obscure, at least obscure

to me, musicians and bands that they brought up. And I, you know, I, my laptop wasn't so filled up. I downloaded a lot of them and I was always envious of those people who would just fucking get out of the mainstream and delve into all these other bands that people weren't fucking into. I just never had the ear for it. I always had like, I don't know, whatever that earworm that gets in your fucking brain at the mall, I've never been able to, I had a terminal case of it.

So I've listened to some of the cheesiest fucking music, especially now, some of the music I listened to when I was a kid. So much of it did not age well. Um, all right, no meat, non tofu burger recommendation. All right, Billy barn saver. I told you I am a lazy vegetarian because yesterday I took my lovely wife out from mother's day, uh, to one of her favorite restaurants and they had a ribeye for two. Oh my God, that this fucking guy and this other dude ordered, there was these two older

guys, right? We were sitting at a regular table and over in the corner, you know, you know, you know, it's, you know, what do you call it? Like a bar top table, you know, the chairs are really high, the stools, but it had like a back on it was an actual chair and there was something kind of crammed in the corner. And I was looking at the guys when they showed up, right? As you do when you get older, I'm like, all right, look at him. He kept his hair.

Oh, but he's definitely not eating right, man. That guy's not eating fucking right. Oh, he's ordering a beer. He's still drinking. Look at him hanging in there. Right. I'm just doing that shit. Right.

Dude, watching this guy try to get on, get his fucking beer belly behind the, he wasn't even that fat. He was like medium fat. It was just so wedged in the corner. This guy tried for like, I swear to God, a full 90 seconds to get, he tried to get on. He had to come off. He got on. He got off.

He was looking at the dimension. I felt like I was watching a silent film, like a Buster Keaton thing. The only thing was missing was like some old lady playing like the piano and he should have like lifted up his hat and scratched his head as he tried to figure out how to get on there. I was like laughing my ass off and my wife's like, what are you laughing at? I'm like, I'm laughing at that fucking pudgy dude trying to get up on that tall chair. But anyway, they ordered this fucking giant, like Fred Flintstone cut.

I told you, I am a lazy vegetarian where two out of three, two out of three ain't bad. I have two out of three meals a day. I'm going to eat a vegetarian and then, you know, the last meal a day, one of them, I'll eat something. Anyway, long time fan of your comedy, relatively long time podcast listener, I was full vegetarian for four years have been a pescatarian. Only meat I eat is fish for about six years. Just wanted to throw you a recommendation that I promise will not disappoint.

I've tried every meatless patty from tofu to soy to Tempe, Tempe, et cetera, and actually like most one that is made 100% from plants advertised to taste and quote feel just like a real burger and actually does never had one come close. What? This is a sentence here, but one that is made 100% from plants advertised to taste and feel just like a real burger and actually does never had one come close. Okay, wait a second. I've tried every meatless patty from tofu to soy to Tempe, et cetera.

I think he meant not one. I don't know. All right. The impossible burger. I would love to hear your meat eating feedback given your request for intermittent vegetarianism. It can be found at a local California chain called Oomami, Oomami burger and some other get on it and go fuck yourself while you're at it. Oomami.

Your drives me nuts. You know that capital one commercial with that Asian woman gets all sassy. Ooh, I got my Monday. Oh, do I hate that commercial? Why doesn't I actually, I actually texted Kevin Shea, I go, why doesn't she get in trouble for appropriation there, cultural appropriation there? And I wrote, and yes, I am asking you cause you're Asian and he gave me a, I got to get him on the podcast.

One of the most underrated fucking comedians out there, Kevin Shea. All right. Patrice O'Neill. Patrice O'Neill. Patrice O'Neill. Neil, Neil, Neil. All right. I just wish my mother, you know, happy mother's day.

I didn't even get her on the phone yesterday. It's tough with all the kids. You know what I mean? So I left her a message and I sent her a really long text about how she was, how great she was and she's the perfect mom and all that. And she wrote back, thanks comma bill. No exclamation point, nothing. She just wrote, thanks bill.

All right. Patrice O'Neill, dear Wilfred Burr, Wilfred Burr, I'm not sure if this is how you ask questions for the MMP, but figured I would try. I've been a massive fan and have been listening to the podcast and watching special slash stand up for years. Keep up the great work. Thank you. I first heard of Patrice O'Neill because of you.

Oh, that makes me feel good and have gone back and watch this stuff and think it's fantastic. Yeah. I've never seen a comedian I ever saw, saw live. I'm telling you. I have also realized that he had a role in my personal favorite TV show, the American version of the office. Yes, he did. I find it amazing that that show would pay so much attention to the details and get such

a funny person even for one of the smaller roles. I was wondering if you ever talked to you about his experience filming that show and what shows that were slash are on the air that you'd like to be a part of. I also suggest if you have the chance going to Liverpool for the Champions League's final coming up June 1st. You know what? I actually watched that one where they played against Barcelona and I actually understand the scoring now.

So for all you fucking yanks out there, within their regular season, Premier League shit or whatever, there's all these leagues over there, then they have the Champions League's, which I don't, I guess the people with the best fucking records and all the other leagues play each other and they play a home and home. So there was one in Barcelona and one in Liverpool. So here's how you can win to advance is you can either win both games or you can win one and lose one, but have scored more goals overall when they add them up in both contests. So what happened in game one was Barcelona won three to nothing and then they go to Liverpool

to play. So Liverpool is down a game and down three nothing. So the only way that they can win is not only do they have to win the game, they got to win the game by four goals. And as we all know, especially Americans, you're lucky if there's four goals combined in a fucking game. You get about one team winning by four goals. Well, guess what Liverpool did?

They got one early. I think after half time, they were up one nil, as they say, and then they came out and they fucking scored two in a row and the fucking place was going crazy. Three to nothing and you could just feel it. Barcelona, they had these looks on their face, they, we wouldn't know the day they like, ah, whatever, we live in the Mediterranean. We'll go down there. We'll fucking put some olive oil in some shit and have some great food, but fucking the

English people, they're miserable. Their weather sucks. This is all they got. And they went on and they scored the fourth fucking goal to advance a demoralizing defeat for Barcelona. I did see that. Anyways, I also suggest if you have the chance going to Liverpool for the Champions League final coming up June 1st without Mo Salah, they did it without what their best players

was incredible. They played the game at a neutral site. I was in Liverpool for it last year and even though they lost it, lost it was hands down the greatest sports atmosphere I've ever, I've ever been a part of. It was so much fun. And I'm going back this year, hopefully to watch them lift the trophy. All the best to you and the family. All right.

Well, I got a fucking, I got to check that out. Let's get back to the patrice shit. Um, well, okay, let me see. I was wondering if he ever talked to you about his experience on, on film in the office. Yes, he did. He did. He said he was having a good time, but then eventually I think he got a little frustrated that his role wasn't bigger.

And then that he also had to fly all the way out to LA to deliver like anywhere from one to 10 lines, five lines probably. And I think eventually he just said, fuck this, which was what I always loved about him, you know, because I would have been like, Oh, if I just say anything, I'll fucking get on a plane. And he was just like, Bill, I ain't getting on some fucking plane to go all the way the fuck out there for 700 bucks. I'm not doing that.

And, uh, but he did say that, uh, Steve Carell, you know, everybody that he worked with was hilarious and he did like the writing and all of that type of stuff, but he was a big guy to get on a fucking plane and fly that far and sit on set all day. That's a tough thing to ask of a comedian, especially when they're as funny as Patrice and he could make that money in fucking five minutes doing standup in real time. One take was a tall order. How would John Bonham sound today? Bill, uh, that was another thing too about Patrice was I thought he was a really, really

good actor and, um, oh God, yeah, I still, I still, the amount that I still think about him as far as just like what he would be saying about some of the shit that's going on today. Um, and where his standup would be and how far behind I would be from that level. Cause you know, I don't know if he's been gone. I can't believe it, but he's been gone for almost eight years in November and I still love it caught up to how funny he was in 2011 and I started a year before him. Uh, how would John Bonham sound today? Bill, this guy does some great videos dissecting music in this one.

He quantizes John Bonham's drum tracks from two different Zeppelin songs. It's remarkable how much quantizing takes away from the real thing. Oh, I got to listen to this. Oh, did they, uh, did they. I mean, even what the way they made drums. I hate the drum sound of the fucking eighties. Oh Jesus. How do you guys find these fucking videos?

John Bonham, how would he sound today? Well, would they even use them? Would it be a fucking drum track over there? Something that they sampled. All right. Hang on a second. All right, I'm back here. Sorry, but I actually hit stop instead of pause.

I just had to get through this so the quantizing is something that, um, this guy is claiming took all the soul out of like live rock drumming or any drumming where it's basically the drum track is put into a computer and everything's based on the sixteenth note. And it's just all lined up. And, uh, I think what he's going to try to say here is that for those non musicians out there, uh, as far as like the way people play, there's some people that are on the, they, they, they on the front of the note, there's some people right on the beat and there's some people play a little behind your, you're still on time, but some people push it.

Some people are laid back and some people are just like right on it. And that is called your feel. That's your personality. That's, that's the foundation of you speaking as a musician would be your feel. And then, and then basically, I don't know, it's a million other things, how you hit the drums. Um, and what I've since learned how relaxed you are versus how tense you are, like how it's going to come out in all of this shit. So according to this guy, quantizing, I imagine makes everybody's feel sort of the same person.

So what he's going to do is he's going to play a track of how John Bonham's drums sound with, you know, the original track, which is John Bonham's whole personality. The moody was in everything playing and then having it quantized. Well, I imagine all the swing and everything's going to be taken away. So let's listen to this. Here we go. Come on. And now it's not loading after that fucking incredible intro.

I just did you fucking cunt. Come on. Now I got to hit fucking refresh. Yeah. Yeah, I do care. I care about watching another fucking commercial. You cunt dude. Remember when there was like no commercials on these fucking things?

Now it's like you got to watch like 10 times. You know what? I don't do this anymore. I don't get fucking pissed. All right. Here we go. Okay. That's a pretty good segment there.

Yeah. It's pretty good. I'm going to go in here with the transport. All right. I'm going to fucking talk and I'm going to talk and I'm going to talk. And I'm going to hit the letter T on the keyboard to actually tap the tempo. Jesus Christ. Okay.

It's not a consistent tempo here. So what I've gotten roughly is 170 BPM. So we zoom in here. I'm going to go in here. I'm going to hit. All right. This video is like 10 fucking minutes long. Let me let me just get to the end where you fucking conductor back on.

Let me get to the end here. Oh, this is this is a fucking train wreck. I really should. I have to actually track. So I'm going to create a new track. Oh, Jesus. Just fucking hit play. You cock sucker.

Now play it. So right off the bat, it's pretty much taking all the major transients. And that's really what we want. All right. So he's basically, you can see what's going to just watch this fucking beat. I'm going to try to place. How would John bottom sound today? So basically what he's lining up, but he, the quanta sizes, what you just heard, and

then he lines up both tracks with each other. So you can see the difference in the sound waves and all that type of stuff. So what he's basically saying is that when Bonham was playing, he's saying that the time moves a little bit. It's because he's human and there's, you know, human beings are obviously not perfect. And then there's the emotion, the excitement, the laid back part, you know, bands tend to push when they get to the fucking chorus or whatever. But that's also that sort of push, pull and the expanding and contracting of the track.

That's what makes it alive. It's like it's breathing like your chest opening, you know, coming up and coming down. And what they do with like this fucking computer shit is they just, they level all of that. It's like in Japan where they straighten the fucking rivers and they take all the beauty out of it. That's what he's saying. I definitely want to listen to this. I don't have the fucking, I don't want to torture you guys anymore trying to listen to a 10-minute

fucking technical video. Jesus Christ, if his time pushes and pulls. All right, weird bedroom noises. Hi Bill, big fan of the podcast, ran into an issue recently and immediately thought about asking you for some advice. I've noticed this lovely broad while jogging in the park, not so long ago. Fucking gorgeous. Five, two, 110 pounds fit.

Jesus Christ, we had jerking off to her and she had her whole ass out doing a fucking, anyways, five, two, 110 pounds fit, naturally bond with D cup real titties. This guy's done his homework. She runs there as well and sometimes takes a break on one of the benches. This one time I took advantage of that, sat next to her, noticed no ring on her finger and started chatting. There you go. There you go.

Why can't a woman just sit on a bench? Turns out she's not only good looking, but also witty and funny. I thought those things made the same thing. Just an all around great broad, long story short, we end up meeting a couple of times and a fucking few days later and fucking a few days later. Enough background now for the issue. She's a devil in bed. Kinky is fucks.

Let's me use all the holes. Oh, Jesus does great blowjobs, loves sticky finishes. Jesus Christ. This has become fucking skin a max here. I get it. Braids my ass here. I got it buddy. Anyways, the first time we were together, I thought, why the hell are you single girl?

You look great. You're a real lady during the day and a real slut at night. This person trying on purpose to offend people and then it happened. She got an orgasm. Her eyes rolled back and she started making this ridiculously funny noise with her mouth like a fucking deflating balloon, just a lot louder. I didn't even know humans can sound like that. Dude, I think you're fucking a mermaid.

Just from the description of her. Seriously, man, I wasn't sure if she was enjoying herself or having some kind of seizure. It was fucking terrifying. And this happens every single time I satisfy her. She starts screeching like a leaky sex doll. This really kills my enjoyment. Weird. I know she's fucking hot and the screws like a demon.

But when I hear that sound, my dick just wants to get out. I really fucking hate it, but I don't know how to address it. How do you even bring something like that up? Dude, you don't. You don't. Can I tell you something, buddy? You don't love this woman. You have, you lust after her.

Okay. Because, yeah, don't do that to her. She can't help it. And that's one of the most sacred fucking things you see. You never, ever, ever, ever, ever fucking do that to a woman. All right. Women do it to guys because they don't give a fuck and they play by a different set of rules.

They don't give a shit, you know, but you never make fun of somebody in sex during sex when you have these sex. You know, you never fucking do that. All right. You know, years later, you want to fucking tell the story by all means tell the story. And even then, if I do that, I fucking switch up the details. I say, you know, I say, I changed the timeframe and when it happened, don't, don't do that to people.

Uh, anyways, you sit her down and say, what do I sit her down and say, we need to talk and then tell her she sounds like a fucking crying rhino. She seems to be totally unaware of the issue or totally free one or the other. I thought of ways to mitigate this and talk to her and talked her into some role playing one night. We pretended to be teenagers fucking in her room. This is really getting weird. Well, her parents, now I'm judging you while the parents are downstairs and she put a pillow

over her face when she was about to peak. The other night we pretended I'm a kidnapper, putting a sleeping mask over her eyes and gagged her with her own panties. This really worked out, but there's only so many ideas I have. What should I do? Many thanks, man. Um, all right. I think the next role plays.

What if her mimes? What if we're mimes and we're fucking in the park? Um, I mean, I don't know where you go. Eventually you're going to lead to playing like Anne Frank and you guys are in the fucking walls in this Nazi's in the living room. Maybe you got to break up with her dude. You got to break up with her. Okay.

What you have here is you, you, you have a beautiful woman. You got with her. You enjoyed each other. You had a good time, but like there's not enough there for you to look past this thing that you shouldn't bring up to her. And she's so hot that you're now thinking of role playing games where you can stuff something in her mouth. Dude, you're really bottoming out right now.

When I look at this, like this is your dick is keeping you in there. All right. And, but your brain, your heart, your soul, everything that, you know, when you really connect with somebody, it's just not there. So you got to walk away. You got to tell your dick to stand down. All right. Now you, you have a hilarious fucking story.

Just change up the details, wait till when you tell it so people don't figure out it's her. Um, but yeah, that's it. What should you do? I think you should. Yeah, you should break up with her and find somebody you're truly in love with or deal with the fact that she fucking screams like a fucking mermaid, like Darrell Hannah, when she says her name and splash.

Um, other than that, there's nothing, there's nothing you can do. Um, yeah, I don't know. That's fucking hilarious that she's that hot that you're, you're actually, did she would literally sit in that going like, Oh, I can't deal with this noise, but she's so hot. I still have to fuck her and you came up with two different ways. Let's pretend we're teenagers and we're fine. Post, um, to catch a predator, how the fuck can you pitch that? And that went over well is beyond me.

Um, but God bless you, dude. Good luck. But that's a good problem to have. All right. But all I can say, you know, do whatever the fuck you want to do there. Um, I'm not feeling any sort of love here that she, that you're into her like that. Um, but all you need to stress is do not make fun of her. Okay.

That's who she is. That's how she's just, you know, she's letting it go. Good for her. God bless her. Okay. God knows she's fucking treating you right. Um, all right. So that's it.

That's the podcast. Oh my God. Did I fucking thought for half a second, I thought I plugged the wrong fucking thing. And I thought those were my headphones. All right. I'm good. I was like, God, Jesus, I just talked for an hour and something fucking minutes and nobody heard it over there.

All right. That's the podcast. I'll check in on you on Thursday and go, Bruins. Thank you. Bye.