Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-14-12

Episode Date: May 14, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about being alone, the food supply and Chewbacca.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, May 14th, 2012. I'm Rone. I am so Rone. I got the house all to myself. The is out of town comes back tomorrow and my dog's out getting a tune up. So I'm sitting in my house all by myself all by my lonesome. I'd like to sit here and tell you that the reason why I'm sitting here by myself is I told the bitches in my life to get the fuck out, right? Like some pimp shit. And now I'm just sitting here in some giant leather chair, the head of an animal above me in my study, a bunch of books surrounding me that I never read. Some creepy toy for my childhood. No, I don't know what the fuck's going on. There's nobody here.

And I'm slowly losing my mind. I'm eating like shit. I had waffles like three days in a row. You know, because I don't know how to make them just for one. I don't have the recipe. I usually make them for two people and then there's a couple extra. So, you know, I just made the fucking batch because the recipe I have says one egg. So, you know, if I cut it in half, when I put half a fucking egg in there, okay, I don't know how to do that. So I'm making all the waffles and I'm using and I'm fucking I'm out of whack. I'm full of sugar and dough. I went to the grocery store. I'm like a single man. I went to grocery store and they you know, rather than buy something to cook, I go and I buy like, you know, parts

of a chicken that were already cooked. God knows when, you know, somebody hit it with a truck and then they threw it on a fucking grill. So for the first time in my life, second time, actually, I actually had for lunch, I had chicken and waffles, a staple in the African American community. And I have never understood that dish. I love waffles. I love chicken, but not together. To me, that was toothpaste and orange juice. Both great ideas, just not together. Right. And I had it and I got to tell you, I still don't get it. I don't get it. It's like, it's like the sun and the moon at the same time. It just it just freaks me out. You know, is it breakfast or have we gotten on with that day? Should

I be in my fucking pajamas? Or should I be telling you about my dad just, you know, I don't know, I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm losing my mind. And then tomorrow I leave. I leave to go do doing an episode of what the fuck is this show called? That's embarrassing. I don't even know what the show is called. What's that one with that? The check from a party of five is on and she gives the hand jobs, but she's she's a good person. What's it called? The fucking the the hand job whisperer. What the fuck's the name? I'm doing that show. Doing that show this week. I'm on the hand job whisperer, and I play one of the clients and she's going to rub one out. So, you know, it was a long talk I had to have with Nia in

order to be due to do this episode. But she understands that it's just art. Jennifer Love Hewitt's she plays the the hand hand job is with the heart of gold. You know, it's a wonderful show. She gives people hand jobs at the end of of masseusing them and then gives advice to their upset. What would you call the person they're dating, wives and girlfriends come in like, how could you jerk off my husband? And then she goes like, she doesn't love you. He doesn't love you anymore. That's why he's coming to me. And then somehow they pour their heart out to her because she's such a good, she's such a good fucking person that she can jerk off their boyfriends and husbands and these people on the show don't have a problem with it.

And from the second I saw that show is just like, you know what, I have to be a part of it. And so this week, yeah, I'm going to be taping an episode of the hand job whisperer. I think Jennifer Love Hewitt said I might have the wrong fucking show. You know, it's funny on my cable box, not the cable box, whatever the fuck you call it, the screen when you go through the guide, right above the versus network, you know, scrolling up trying to find a game and you go three channels up and then it goes to the porno channel. And you know, it's the weirdest thing ever. You just see a soccer game, a baseball game, a basketball game, and then it'll be like fistfuck part five. You know, and I don't think that was by accident. Because if you watch enough sports,

they got that basically for guys, they got two things, they don't want to go bald, and they want to fuck something. And I don't know, I guess it's true on both those both counts. Wouldn't you say there? Speaking of lonely, I was just watching television by myself speaking to it as if it was another live human being. And I saw this commercial for this, this, this new website called farmers only.com. This is not a commercial people. This is actually an observation. It was basically showing, you know, some couple of ranchers, a couple of farm girls, and they just walk in the fields by themselves, you know, playing with their face finger playing with each other. You know, you do that when you were a little kid, you do that little thing where you

put your thumb and index finger together on both hands, and you kind of do the little, almost like there's an invisible tiny screw, you know, there's some poor woman walking through like these a bunch of corn, you know, and the cows are all concerned to the point they're actually speaking English to one another, you know, about each of them going how the hell they're going to meet each other. And then all of a sudden, this whaling horror comes over the top and just starts singing you'll never be lonely at farmers only.com. So it's basically their Facebook. And you should go and look at it on YouTube. That's what you should do. You shouldn't work. You know, where do you work? What are you doing? Is it your dream or somebody else's you just a cog in the

wheel? You know, are they really going to notice if you stop working? Everybody else is working. Why don't you just fucking you know, tour the France just sort of draft behind a couple of people's today, you know, take a fucking Monday off. So anyways, check out this video. And you know, what's the funniest thing about it is the comments underneath it is the amount of people who shit on, you know, just immediately thinking how dumb people are. It's like these people grow our fucking food. You understand that? I'm sure they don't know where the rave is. You know, who the most popular bands are or how to get from fucking Brooklyn over to Staten Island. Oh, right, they don't know how to do that shit. They don't know how to put on a fucking shiny shirt, right,

and go jump on the subway and go down to Wall Street and make sure old people eat dog food for the rest of their fucking lives. Yeah, they don't know how to do that. You know what they know how to do that I make that I make corn, right? Or plant it so it grows. They don't make it. God makes it. And he makes that fertile fucking country. You know, it's got to be really hard to catch herpes out there. You know what I mean? I mean, it must spread really fucking slowly. Jesus Christ, I mean, you must fucking rub them at least two loads out by the time you get to our house just sitting there driving and driving fucking tornado man pull over rub another one out by then you know what the fuck I'm going over there for anyways. Shit, I got more teeth in her. That's

a deal breaker. Look, now I'm making fun of them. I like how that they're called the fly over states. Yeah, no reason to go there. Yeah, no reason to check in on the food supply. Like you're gonna that'd be a good thing to fucking freak them out with just show up with like a clipboard. Fuck you doing sit it boy. Well, they actually you know something they make themselves kind of separatist because at the end of is that even a word? They actually say this city folks don't understand. What don't we understand loneliness? Is that what it is come to New York and be alone with everybody? You never heard that you fucking you know what fuck them goddamn farmers Jesus Christ what you don't have your cousin's phone number so you sick of fucking

your sister so now you got to get your own Facebook and see the jokes are just too easy here people, you know, sick of fucking a pig. I want some farm animals. That'd be great. If I just had space, how many goats would you need to fucking drink enough, you know, make your own milk, a couple of chickens, you got your own eggs. Right, so you got that bullshit, but you got to milk them, which I know I'm not going to do. I couldn't do it without laughing and then I'd fucking creep out the goat. Jesus, I need some people in my life. I don't the fuck I'm talking about you know last week I made an ass of myself as always. As always, and I was talking about the the sewage in the drain. And oh by the way, you know something I'm sitting here watching the fucking LA Kings and the Phoenix

coyotes playing each other. Alright, it's in Phoenix. And they're having a whiteout. Everybody's wearing the same t shirt. Don't you just realize the second you do that you just show in the fact that you have a shitty fucking franchise. Oh my account this week. I hate that. That's all go we're the same shirt. It'll be a whiteout that'll intimidate them. They're going to be afraid of the crowd. I will tell you this what was amazing because I'm watching this fucking game and the crowd in Phoenix is chanting beat LA beat LA beat LA the iconic cheer from the Boston Garden. It's actually spread all the way west and jump sports. You know, so I had to immediately text Paul Versey and let him know that because you know he's so fucking enamored with the food court known as Madison

Square Garden. Talk I was talking to somebody the other day we're trying to think of like when we think of Madison Square Garden, what do we think of? You know, boxing. Lanard skater. You just think of rock shows. Nobody thinks about the Knicks or the fucking Rangers other than Knicks and Rangers fans. I just it's just another fucking that's another one to add to that list of overrated nicknames. The world's most famous arena. You can throw that right in with Linsanity. Sanchez. We got it Bill. You hate New York. Alright, I've made my fucking point. Anyways, sewage. Last week, this guy tried to tell me that I should just piss in the shower. Because hey, it all goes there all same fucking drain anyway. Fuck, do you care? What do I care? I don't want urine in my toes. I

also fucking am concerned with the fact that someone else has to use the shower. How about that? You know, so but I was also thinking that they went down two different drains. I would think that they would try and keep that separately separate. And everybody was like, everybody writes me, you know, whenever I say something wrong, everybody, you know, it's always like, Hey, shit, right? So everybody told me that it actually goes down the same drain. And that the reason why you can't smell the shit is because they have vents. You know, which I still don't fucking understand. You know, then why don't I smell shit outside my house? Where does the where is the the air that was surrounding the shit? Where does that go? You know, and please by all means, talk to me like

I'm the biggest fucking moron ever. Because I got to tell you, I only got like 20 emails about it. And I know how many listeners I have. So there's a lot of people right now going really, I didn't realize that. But still, let me read this bill. It says, Bill, about your questioning on sewage handling from your May 7th podcast on whether toilet water is handled in the same system as your shower water. The answer is it depends. Oh, wait a minute. I think this guy knows what he's talking about because he didn't start it off with Hey, shit, fuck. He says sewage water that has no human waste in it. This would be considered shower water, water from your dishwater and sinks, etc. Thank you for explaining where I don't shit and piss is called gray water. What what that does

contain human waste is called black water. All right. In most modern urban sewage system, gray water and black water are treated and moved within the same system. Gross. See, yet another reason to live on a farm at farmer zone.com. That's gonna be embarrassing. You and your fucking neighbor are going to join. You'll be the only ones on the site. I thought you wanted to fuck me. I just was too long a walk. You know what I'm saying? Plus it's tornado season. You never know what's gonna happen. In sewage systems that aren't as complex or are more remote, gray water is treated in one system. Black water is put into another and usually composited. Oh, wait a minute. I mean, okay, so it's not as complex, meaning what you can't move those all down the same pipe and somehow

separate them again. You know, sometimes you should stick with simplicity. I think on this one. I don't think that the stuff that goes into my hair and on my body should ever have touched somebody else's shit. Personally, I don't care how much you treat it. It's fucking gross. I gotta run for office. And if elected, I would keep the gray water away from the black water. Bring it back to the old system where you're sitting in an outhouse and you never wash your hair with shit. Ask not why there's piss in my hair, but why there's shit in the drain. The reason why you do not get sewer smells in your house is through the use of an S-curve in the toilet. Sink and shower drainpipe. If you take the letter S and turn it on its side, that's what

shape the drainpipe makes. You know, I deserve, I deserve to be talked to like a child. Is that what an S looks like on its side? All right. Take the letter O and turn it on its side. You still with me. When you drain water through this shape, some water is always left behind inside the S wonderful. This forms a seal or block through which sewage gases can't get through. Oh, that's brilliant. They should have those on like subways. You know what I mean? Just have it just have it missing in between people. Early sewage systems didn't employ this shape and it was indeed the case that sewer gases could enter the home. As far as recycling, isn't that amazing how simple that was to fix so? As far as recycled

water, sewage that is taken from your home and sent to treatment plant is usually released back into nature after it is cleaned. Mother nature does the last of the cleaning process with microbes, etc. You know what? That's one of those things. That's like a hot dog. You know what I mean? You just don't know. You don't want to know what's in it. That's fucking gross yet brilliant. I find that I find I'm finding all of this shit. Why did I just say that three times? I find I'm finding all of this shit. You guys think I'm a fucking moron. You know what it is? I have the balls to bring up the shit that I don't understand. Yeah, Bill, every week and it spans the entire spectrum of humanity. Go fuck yourselves. I actually began disassembling that carburetor.

I took apart the primary fuel bowl, took out the floater and all that and it isn't that fucking hard. I knew it wasn't. I knew it wasn't inventing, inventing the carburetor, the carburetor. That is the genius. Okay? Taking one apart. I mean, that's no big fucking deal. And I imagine once you take it apart, you can put it back together again. Right? And after a while, I imagine you can figure out how it fucking works. It doesn't seem that complex to me. I'm fucking idiot. No, I'm doing the whole thing. I got I got the whole chemical, right? I bought myself a little lot. No, I didn't. I'm lying. I'm gonna I'm gonna buy this turkey thing that you know to put it in little, you know, you roast the turkey and you put that on the side with the solution to clean off

all the parts. And I'm going to build that motherfucker. I should take a before and after picture with a look and then I'll give you guys a nice go fuck yourself underneath it for all you people who trash me because I didn't realize that you know, it's the same pipe that the shit and piss goes down. Why would I know that I'm not a plumber? You know, why can't you guys show the kind of empathy for others that I do on this podcast every week? Would you guys like to learn about an element? That's my nighttime reading. I'm really freaking me out. She she can't tell if I'm going crazy or if I'm starting I'm trying to build a bomb. Hold on one second. All right. We here at the Bill Burr podcast, the Monday morning podcast.

I'm going to try to make you guys either smarter or bring it down to my level of stupidity. So considering I can like, I know like everybody's name and number from every football team in the 70s, for the most part, Wilbert Montgomery 31. Fred Belitnikov. What the fuck number was he? That was before my time. Doug Flutey was 22. Roger Starbeck was 12. Frank Tarkington was 10. Frank Tarkington was 10. Greg Morton was seven. Dan Pastorini was seven. Bert Jones was seven. I'll do all the quarterbacks. Terry Bradshaw was 12. Brian Sype. The fuck was he? Was he 17? All right. All I'm saying is if I can if I can fucking memorize that shit, I can't

memorize the periodic chart. This is yet another thing that that that pseudo intelligent thing. You know, if you can just memorize this shit, and then you go to a cocktail party like we all do, right? Doesn't everybody own it? One of those Roger Moore tuxedos like me. And every once in a while, you just go out to a cocktail party with other socialites. You know, this is a good thing to know if you memorize the periodic chart. Just out of nowhere. This is anytime you say something dumb, you can just go hydrogen is the first element number one on the periodic chart. I'm going to memorize this shit. And I'm going to fucking try and understand it. It's and then I can't even say what I'm going to do

with this knowledge. What'd you guys do if you gradually were listening to me learning all this shit? And then I accidentally blew myself up my garage. How compelling would this podcast be? You'd listen to the first four and a half years. Who's getting who the first four and three quarter years listening to how dumb I was. And then you just you're going to hear that crucial podcast where I said that I'm going to buy a book on this shit. You know, by the way, is anybody seen on spike that fucking 1000 ways to die? You guys seen that show? What a fucking creepy ass show that is. Despite the awful jokes that they have on top of it. They just show all these different ways that people have figured out how to die. And they just sort of trash people and say

how stupid they are. And they they fucking just these they don't try to like tone down that somebody was dead. It's weird because they're making these really bad jokes. And by bad, I don't mean insensitive. By bad, I mean not funny over the top of it. And but then when they show the person dead, it's really fucking creepy. They show these two girls who kept filming each other on YouTube doing practical jokes wearing silly masks and scaring each other. So one of the girls brothers was a mechanic or something. So they got that airbag thing and they stuck it underneath this cushion. I sound like an old lady right now telling a death story. And they didn't know it was there. So she sticks it there. She tries to get a roommate to sit on it. She's tugging on it.

roommate pulls away the girl who put it there lands on it. It shoots her up in the air over the banister. And she fucking breaks her neck and dies. And they go through the whole thing, the graphics of her breaking your neck. And then they just show her there with her head all twisted up. It's creepy. A really creepy fucking show. And then they have bad jokes over the top of it. Maybe the bad maybe the bad jokes are on purpose. Why don't I shit on another show and just burn every fucking bridge I can out here. Um, hey, you know what, it's time for a goddamn. It's time for some advertising. Here we go. Let's do it. We do it every week stamps.com everybody. If you're new to my podcast, if you're new to my podcast stamps.com,

do you like going to the pot to the podcast to the post office? No, maybe you do. Well, if you do then keep going, God bless you. But if you don't, and you were thinking like, you know, I wish there was a way I could handle all this business within my own apartment, within my own house, within my own cardboard box as a homeless person that I live in, but for some reason have some sort of internet connection. All you need to do is go to stamps.com. Okay, I use stamps.com. It's great. I send out all my DVDs this way. They give you a scale you can weigh out your stuff. And you can use your computer and you can print out legal stamps. Bang, bang, boom. Plus, after you do it a couple of times, you got it down, you got it down,

you can fly through it. All right, so you go to stamps.com, special offender for my listeners. Use my last name Burr, B U R R for a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer includes the digital scale and $55 of free postage. All right, go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage, type in Burr, B U R R that stamps.com and enter Burr. There you go. All right. Where the hell am I back to the day? You know what, I finally figured out how to use this computer. I didn't realize when I bought this computer, I then had to download everything else. I thought with the amount of money that I spent on it, they would have given me some sort of program that I could have written in. But I can't,

I got to go download that, you know, there's another 20 bucks. Let's siphon that out of his fucking wallet. You know, I'm going to, I can't even say it. I was going to, you know, come see my act. I have a nice, I have a nice little new chunk. Come see my act. Don't see me. Just come by and go see my act car repair. Bill, you're right. Fixing your car is a good feeling. I had trouble with the passenger side window for months. It finally went out on me a couple of Fridays ago and it was stuck all the way down in the door with the forecast showing three days of rain. Anyway, I ordered the part, took my door apart, tools everywhere, dirty hands, had some music going, feeling like a man, baby. I had just found out a couple hours before my

wife and I are having a boy. Congratulations. Dude, that's awesome. He goes, I didn't really know what I was doing, but I did a YouTube search replacing Nissan power window motor. Boom, it was there and it took me through it. Yeah, that's all I've been doing. That's how I fixed my blender. YouTube is the shit. The fucking internet is the shit. People spend so much time writing racist stuff and jerking off the porn. You could just, you could go on YouTube and you could teach yourself anything. You could learn how to play guitar. You can learn to play drums. You can learn how to fix a fucking carburetor, anything you want to do. All I can tell you is stay away from expert village. Their videos are short. They're not informative. They suck

and they are like this fucking plague because once you get into their expert village, fucking vortex, you can't get out of it. You got to like literally shut your whole fucking computer down and start over again. I don't know. I'm 100% for that. I fucked up the mirror on the side of my car and I just have to have enough time in my schedule to just pop that thing off. I watched a guy do it. It's simple. There's two screws, then you pop the thing off, then there's two more. You unplug the fucking thing, pull it out, you stick the next one, plug the thing. Jesus, I can't even fucking explain it. Whatever. I don't fucking know. Hang on a second. Sorry, I had to adjust my fucking weight there. Yeah, I've actually,

since Nia's been out of town, she doesn't even know I've gone out and I've fucking blown like I think 300 bucks on tools all over the map. Some shit for cars, some shit for fix and stuff around the house. And you know what's funny? She just looks at me and smiles at me like she thinks it's cute and it's really fucking annoying me. It's just motivating me to want to fix something. Like, you know, I fixed the fucking blender and I didn't get any credit. She's just like, yeah, you know, yeah, it's cool. Bill, I said what I said, I said, I said I was happy for you. You know, like, no, it doesn't remember. It's like you wanted to throw the fucking thing out. That was going to cost me a couple hundred bucks. I fixed it for seven bucks, right? Anything.

You know, you know what it's like to go on stage and have a great set and then you come home and you're bombing your own house. That's my life, people. That is my fucking life. Somebody sent me a douchey thing on Twitter giving me shit about something that I said. You know, and I, I really got to learn to stop taking the bait. I didn't write the person back. I don't even know if I can even fucking talk about this. They would, they were calling me out on something, which technically they were right. Hey, you said this in your act and now you're promoting that. You know, it's a typical fucking thing where it's like this person isn't offended by anything I fucking say, but then all of a sudden it comes around to them. They have fucking world and now

they're offended and sitting there giving me shit saying I'm a piece of shit. When I know goddamn well, you're on fucking YouTube, watching all my fucking videos for free, watching all these other comedians videos for free, putting other people out of work. So go fuck yourself. All right. See that that was all in code. That's for the person who wrote me. Go fuck yourself. You fucking cunt. Why don't you pay for music? Why don't you pay for something? All right. You like you're not putting people out of work. Go fuck yourself. Podcasts for free. It's still for free. Okay. So why don't you go skip down the street and fucking tweet to somebody who gives a fuck? There we go. Got that out of my fucking system.

Do you know what's the worst thing about me, aside from my general contempt for humanity, is I have a complete fucking inability to not insult and curse people when I feel that I've been wronged. You know, so then I've said this in my act, even when I'm right, I become wrong. You know, buddy of mine pissed me off. I haven't fucking talked to him for three weeks. Finally calls me up. He's like, Hey, bro, I haven't talked to you. Well, is everything cool? He knows everything's not cool. He knows he was a cunt. All right. And I said, nah, everything's cool. No, I just been busy. But blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Because I don't have the fucking ability at this point, I don't have the ability to be like, you know, listen, just want to say that the

other day, I felt that there was a few things that were said that I didn't appreciate. And I'm not sure if you meant them in that way. But I just can't do that. You haven't called me a couple weeks. Yes, because you're a cunt. Because of the fucking shit you said the other day. And you know what you were doing and don't even fucking act like you weren't gonna fuck yourself. That's how it goes down. You know, I outgives a shit, you know, you know where I really fucking can't stand is that fucking guy, he does those Ford commercials, that creepy fucking guy with that, you know, you know what makes him so creepy is he's fucking pleasant. He's got this pleasant tone. I think he used to do the dirty jobs thing. I don't know if he still does it.

He wears that fucking hat with no logo on it. So you can't describe what he really looked like. You know, after he gets done feeling up your fucking daughter, he's always hanging out with people younger than him. You know, he's a guy walking down the street and they make my girlfriend says it looks makes my butt look better. And then this fucking girl's like, hey, nice ass. And he's like, that's not my girlfriend. That fucking guy. I don't trust people like that. That guy with his pleasant. That whole pleasant just even keeled just sitting there with his hands in his pockets, just fucking 100% flat line non threatening. That guy, I swear to God, will pour nuclear waste into the water supply for a corner office. I'm not saying him literally, but the just people

like whatever, whatever that fucking images, I don't trust pleasant people. Is that my is that my issue? You know, I just don't I don't trust people like all those Tibetan monks, you know, was the last time you saw them losing their shit because they got a parking ticket standing there in their orange robe yelling at some overweight woman before she gets back on her fucking goddamn moped. You know, I don't trust him. You know, it is. I don't like people praying public. I don't like they sit around doing that shit, right? That's funny. I bet they fucking steal flat screens, all those Tibetan monks. That's why they wear those long. That's why they wear drapes. Just stealing all this swag out of your fucking

house. As one of them sits there just calmly smiling at you. You know, that's why they all dress the same, just like the drug dealers on the wire. Those Tibetan monks are the same fucking thing. You can't describe them. They all just start running. It's like a school of fish. You can't figure out what the fuck's going on. You know, the fuck that ended up trashing monks. Oh, whatever. This is all just self hatred. I got it. When is this anger going to go away? I'm already past the halfway point. I've already played at least 10 holes in my life. I had to I'm going to be 44 years old times two is 88 88 Eric Lindros. Hey, wait a minute. Let's see what element that is. Let's see what old 88 is. You guys interested is there an 88 81 89 88 radium

radium. Evidently, it's what makes your watches glow. Radium was the titanium of the early 1900s. It was the brilliant, shiny, powerful element everyone wanted to associate their products with and sell it to whites only. They never have that part in, you know, they always keep that racist part like separate. You guys ever notice that shit? Like whenever they talk about the good old days about baseball, you know, boy, oh boy, go see Mickey Mantle. Whatever they take me out to the ball game. Well, whenever they show the Jackie Robinson story, it's just the Jackie Robinson story. And it's just about race. They never do they never tell both those stories at the same time. Boy, oh boy, when I saw Duke Schneider,

buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks and they keep all of that ugliness away from the game. Then they tell the racist part separately, you know, and these fucking people with the goddamn periodical book is there's no difference. Radium was the titanium of the early 1900s. The Klan used to shoe their horses with it. I'm just going to fill in the shit that these they leave out of it. Just as many titanium products today contain no actual titanium. Many radium products of a century ago such as radium furniture polish and radium toothpaste contained no radium. Interesting. I wonder if the knobs of J.P. Morgan, that piece of shit's fucking walking sticks had any radium in them. You know, as he pushed Woodrow Wilson into office,

why isn't that in here? You know, fuck this book. I am going to memorize it though. All right, you know what? Like I said, I'm doing the handjob whisperer this week. And then next week I'm going to be at Flappers out in Burbank, California, the 25th and 26th. Okay. And for some reason, you ever wanted to see Ralph Malfe put together an hour of comedy, but he never did stand up. I am a wonderful substitute. I will be out there. I'm going to be at the mall people on May 25th and 26th doing my jokes or some semblance of them. I'm actually having a really good time putting together this hour because I don't know. I don't know where it's going to come from because usually I just talk about my life. And as you can tell, talking about fixing carburetors

is not exactly a mainstream topic. You know, can't put together the next five minutes for late night television talking about carburetors, can I? How the fuck do you make that mainstream? Oh, Jesus, what the hell am I talking about here? Let's get to some more advertising here. Oh, we have a new advertiser this week, everybody. The man great. The what? Yeah, the man great. What the fuck is the coffee? Where is it? Oh, here it is. Here it is. I'm supposed to view and download it. All right, Jesus Christ. The man great. Okay, Father's Day is coming up, everybody. Father's Day is coming up. We today was Mother's... Yesterday, I should say. Yesterday was Mother's Day. You know, you bought her flowers. Now who's coming next? Your dad. Ladies before gentlemen.

Now it's your dad's day coming up, right? And nobody gets slighted like your dad. Okay, your mom, she always gets nice stuff. You know, unless her kids are complete pieces of crap, right? But dads, they always get screwed. They get a razor. They get some sort of, you know, sergeant wrench or some BS, right? Well, they got it. They got a great thing for you this year. All right, does your father have a grill? No, then what is he doing in this country? You don't have a grill. I think you should be convicted of being like a spy. Of course, your dad has a grill. He's a man. All right, he brought you into this world. This is the deal. For Father's Day, there's only one perfect gift. It's the man great grill

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No more flare ups. No more dry, dry meat. Guaranteed. Take advantage of our $20 Monday morning podcast special today by clicking on the man great banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. As a bonus, every billbird.com order comes with a heavy duty man great grilling brush. So you can actually clean the thing too. They're made in America 100% cast iron. They're going to make your steaks taste like steakhouse quality. If you already have a grill, you just take those aluminum or whatever they are stainless steel pieces of junk off, you drop these ones right on, you get it for your dad, you get it for yourself. And you make yourself some great burgers just in time for the summer, just in time for the summer. All right, there you go. So there's that part,

you know, if I actually was doing this live, I would take a caller at this point. You know, we're talking to Mike, Mike out in Ohio, Mike, what's going on? But you know, I just want to say I'm a big fan of the show and you know, go fuck yourself. I never liked taking callers back in the day when I used to do uninformed. There we go car report. All right, advertising requests. Hey, Bill, you've been asking your listeners. Whoa, what the fuck just happened? FaceTime. All of a sudden I'm looking at myself doing this podcast. This computer freaks me out. Advertising requests. Bill, you've been asking your listeners for advertisement and discount suggestion. How about a Snapple? Kiwi, strawberry, Snapple is my all-time

favorite drink. Is this serious? You want me to advertise Snapple? Because you like Kiwi, Strawberry? How much are they? You need a break on that? It's my all-time favorite. If I could find a way to get your listeners a discount on that, you would be even more awesome than you already are. Please, please, please look into this. Kiwi, Strawberry, Snapple. You know what, dude? I'm going to go out on a limb. I don't think that's ever going to happen. You know, I don't drink Snapple. I don't even know what it is. What is it? Is it supposed to be like juice? I don't buy any of that shit. You go to a real juice house, don't you? One of those places where fucking hippies hanging around. You want real juice. You got to go to hippies or go to farmers. You know, other than that,

I mean, isn't it like made out of like corn and black matter and gray matter or some shit? It's all like fucking sugar, isn't it? Snapple? I have no idea. Dude, I'm not advertising Kiwi, Strawberry, Snapple. Yeah, that's something I would, I wouldn't, I wouldn't even have drank that in the seventh grade. Something about Kiwi just doesn't sound good. Strawberry, Snapple, maybe. Blueberry, I'd be down with that. Kiwi, Strawberry. I don't know. Isn't that like the, the, what is that big cartoon movie everybody's going to see that has like every superhero in it? Is that any good, by the way? Because I'm going on the road again. I might want to go see a couple of movies. Can anybody suggest one? What the fuck is the name of that? I'm going out of my fucking

mind. You know what it is this week, people? I got so much shit on my fucking mind. I got to leave the goddamn house again. I got to make sure it's all fucking... Let's play a game called What Bill Should Have Done With His Life. I should have been a teacher. You know, just tapped out. Just done that, right? You work from fucking September to June. You get two months off. You get a week off in February, April vacation, Christmas vacation. You out the door at three, right? All you got to do is just have a bunch of pens in your front pocket and everybody thinks you're working. Once you teach it the first year, you got it down. Then you just keep coming in there, right? Nine to three. No extra help. But I don't get it. No, you'll get it. You'll

get it. Just keep coming to class. You'll figure it out by November, you know? Start banging the fucking hot math teacher or some shit. That's what I should have done. Just had some fucking little shit car. Little one bedroom apartment. Just fucking grown food out on the balcony. Be that guy. You know, like how he dies and people don't know for like three weeks. Did you hear about him? By the time they found him, his parakeet ate half his face. It'd be a sad existence, wouldn't it? Well, wouldn't it? I don't know what to tell you. You know what? Every time I do this podcast, I sit over here and I look at my guitar and my wah-wah pedal. I'm trying to get the balls to fucking play something for you guys. But the thing is, I need to get

warmed up just to suck. Forget about just being straight up awful. But I'm telling you, I'm growing by leaps and bounds in that thing. There's somebody having a wah-wah pedal that makes you actually sound like you know what the fuck you're doing. I was going to watch one of those Hall of Fame, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame things, because I had like Guns N' Roses and a couple of other bands that I liked in it. And it was like fucking three hours long. And at that point, it's just like, dude, go fuck yourself. I don't want to watch it for fucking nine hours. I actually put it on. And I think it was that guy Donovan who sang that song. Remember that when fucking Joe Pesci fucking kills Billy Bats? That song that they play. So they like, they inducted

this guy Donovan. And he was talking about this poetic bullshit. But I couldn't understand what the fuck you, I just turned it on. I hope he doesn't have something wrong with him mentally, because I don't look like a douche. I thought it was Brian May. Have any of my thoughts over the last 20 minutes even been like, even remotely connected? All right, advice. You know what it is, is I also have the stress that I have to learn my lines for the handjob whisperer. And I got to get on that shit too. All right, advice. Contestory of her best friend. Hey, Bill, big fan of yours from Canada. And listen to the podcast every week. That's awesome. All right, I've been with my girlfriend for over four years now. Dumber.

We own a house together, Jesus, and have the usual relationship ups and downs. I like your advice on how she talks about me to this lady. She calls her best friend. The friend talks relentless shit about how terrible I am. And how she'd be so much happier with one of her guy friends. What? I just got lost. The friend talks relentless shit. What, to your girlfriend about how terrible you are? And how she'd be much happier with one of her guy friends. Oh, she's trying to fix her up with one of her friends. Even going so far as to invite them both to the same party, knowing full well, I won't be there. I've approached my lady about it and she says I'm being paranoid. I've

seen messages exchanged between the two ladies. So I know I'm not crazy. My question is, how do I tell her that our best, that our friend is a miserable, lonely cunt, and they get her to stay out of our relationship? Love the podcast, keep up the great work and go fuck yourself. Um, dude, I don't know about that whole thing. Like, why do you want, why do you want to at this point get this girl out of your, like the other girl trying to like hook your girl up with guys, you know, to meet instead of you is your secondary problem at this point. Your first problem is that you saw evidence of that and the woman you're with lied and said it isn't happening and tried to

say that you're being paranoid. Um, I don't know. I don't, I don't, I don't know what to tell you here. If I was in that situation and I saw those, I would have, I don't know. I would have taken the phone bill. Well, yeah, what the fuck is this? Once again, of course cursing. Stop yelling at me. Stop being a cunt and acting like you're not, you're being a fucking cunt. All right. Do you not want to be in this? Let's sell this fucking house. We'll end it. I don't understand why every time we try and talk about, so fuck you. That's how I'd handle it. Right. Why is she doing that shit behind your back? This is what she's doing, dude. I think she might be out there trying to fucking, you know,

treat it like monkey bars, where she's going to swing right out of your relationship into another one. Why else would she be doing that? You've seen the messages exchanged between the two ladies. So, you know, you're not, did you say that to her? I'm not being paranoid. I've read your phone, right? And then you come off like you're, uh, that's a weird thing. When you start doing some Jade Gohoover shit on the person you're with and you feel like a piece of shit snoop. But then when you actually find the evidence, there's no way to bring up the evidence without them being like, why are you snooping? You know, women can be like, I just had a feeling. Maybe guys can say that too. I had a feeling. I had a feeling that something weird was going on. You were acting

weird and my gut told me to check your phone and I did and I found exactly what I was feeling. All right. Why are you mad at me for snooping? I was right. You know, what? I have to get a fucking search warrant. This isn't a cop show. Go fuck yourself. I was right. See, that's what I do. And then it just, you know, becomes about me cursing. All right. Well, let's say for whatever reason you want to stay with this girl. So your question is, how do I tell her that her friend is a miserable, lonely cunt and to get her to stay out of the relationship? That's a tough one because it's her friend. You know what you have to do?

Everything all the way that I talk, don't talk that way. What you got to do is you have to go out and you have to buy a sweater. Just ride with me on this one. All right. All right. You got to buy a sweater and maybe like some penny loafers and some dockers. You put the whole thing together. Part your hair on the side like Mr. Rogers. And then you just sit down at the kitchen table with your hands folded in front of you like somebody trying to be the teacher's pet and you just wait for her to come home. It's going to totally catch her off guard, but you're going to be dressed so pleasantly like that douche and all those commercials that she's not going to feel threatened. She's just

going to be a little creeped out and just she's like, honey, why are you sitting here by yourself dressed like Mr. Rogers? Just be like, I just did something we need to talk about. And you just sit her down and you just tell her that, you know, see, I don't know how to do it without getting mad and cursing. I just don't understand why you're hanging out with this person. She keeps trying to get it in the middle of our relationship. I don't have any friends who are doing that. And I feel like you're choosing your friendship. I feel like your friendship with her is more important than your relationship with me. All right. And if that's the case, then we need to sell the house. Now you don't say that next. I don't know what the fuck to tell you, dude.

I don't want to tell you, dude, because I wouldn't do this. I mean, you said, how do I tell her that a friend is a miserable, lonely, cunt to get to stay out of the relationship? That's what I would say. You know, listen, your friend is a miserable, lonely, cunt. All right. I'm sick of her button into our relationship. Then every night she'd go out and be like, oh, you're hanging out with a miserable, lonely cunt. I want to say, can you hang out with that miserable chick? Tell her I said, what's up? How many bad things is she going to say about me tonight? I don't know, dude. Well, I don't know. That's fucked. That whole thing is fucked up. I don't know if you can do that.

You know what I would do if I was you, I'd start finding some good looking women to hang out with. You know, just in case she's getting ready to jump ship, you'll have something nice to land on too, right? I don't know. Do women even listen to this podcast anymore? I can't remember the last time one wrote in. I'm just such an off-putting douche. Overrated, overrated, underrated for this week. Overrated, getting into a four-car pile-up in Boston while listening to the podcast. Ah, see it Hampton Beach. Get out of here. You got into a four-car pile-up? You said, go fuck yourself. You know what you didn't even say if it was overrated? Oh, overrated. It is overrated. Well, I said to listen to it in your cubicle.

Ah, I'm sorry, dude. What happened? What happened to your car? Four-car pile-up. You going to blame my podcast for that? Ah, shit. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. No, it isn't. Wait a minute. I got a couple of things I got to talk about. I got a couple more advertising things than I got to tell you where I'm going to be. What do you want to hear first? You want to get the homework out of the way first? You want to hear where I'm going to be? Huh? Well, you hold the power. You have the fast-forward buttons. You can do whatever you want here. Um, where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Schedule, man-grade advertising. All right.

Gamefly. We still got Gamefly. Hang in strong. Gamefly.com, everybody. I'm sorry. Gamefly.com slash burr. All right. You get a 15-day free trial. Typically, it's only 10 days, but you get an extra five days. If you go through the link on the podcast page, there's no late fees, new titles, Netflix for video games. Uh, www.gamefly.com slash burr for a 15-day free special trial, free trial, 8,000 video games delivered right to your house or to your apartment or right to your PC. Can you beat that? I don't think you can. All right. So, oh, Billy Fadigan. Billy Fadigan's got to take off some fucking weight and I'm going to be starting in June when I go on my whirlwind tour of this lovely country. Um, and I'm hitting a

lot of cities that I, I don't think either I haven't been to in a while or I've never been to, uh, in the history of me running my yap in history. Um, this is the deal. I got San Jose coming up, June 15th and 16th. Then I'm at the Chicago Theater, June 17th with Vince Vaughn, Steve Byrne, and, uh, I don't know what else is on it. It's going to be a huge show. Then June 29th, 30th, and July 1st, I'm in at the Ontario Improv, Inland Empire, Ontario, California. And I fucking hate that gig. I'm not going to lie to you. It's not the gig. I hate that fucking drive. That drive is the worst. I don't give a shit what time you drive out there. It's nine hours of fucking traffic. No traffic. You know, I could get out there in 45 minutes with traffic. You know,

it's going to be like three hours and I'm actually contemplating getting a hotel, sitting in a hotel 45 minute drive from my house. Um, but whatever shows are going to be great. Uh, July 14th to be at the Hampton Beach, uh, casino ballroom, Newport Yachting Center, July 15th, Caroline's on Broadway, 26th through the 29th of July. They hit come the weird ones, Orlando, Florida, Orlando, Florida, September 7th, 8th, and 9th. I'm going to be at the Braille Improv on the 21st, 22nd, and 23rd of September. And I also know I have a date in, uh, in, uh, North Carolina. Let me see if I can find that date for you. Hang on a second. All right. There it is. I'm going to be at the, uh, the comedy zone in Charlotte, North Carolina,

September 13th, 14th, and 15th, um, hanging around for that Panthers game on Sunday. And then also I am going to be at the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida on September 27th, 28th, and 29th hanging out to see the Jaguars playing the Bengals. I'm knocking off all the football teams I haven't seen, um, this year while whilst building my new hour. And right about then my, my new hour will be coming out. So there you go. I got a couple of, uh, down home ones, Orlando, Jacksonville, and, and, uh, Charlotte, North Carolina. I know people in Orlando that you think you hit because Shaq lives there as does Tiger Woods. You know, I don't know. I, you know what? I don't know anything about, I don't know anything about Orlando, Florida. What

do you guys do there? You got that, the, the fucking old ass, uh, Disney world. Is that what it is? The Epcot center that was actually built when Rubik's cube was still fascinating. Is that still good down there? Disney world? I haven't been there since I was, when last time I was there, um, last time I was there, the fucking Epcot center looked like the Death Star and one of those, when they were just building it, one of those Star Wars movies that those nerds like to watch. You know, I can tell you guys how much I fucking hate Star Wars. I hate Star Wars so much that I only like Empire Strikes Back because he almost kills Han Solo and he chops his hand off, right? Um, no, wait, that was Luke Skywalker, right? All the nerds just freaked out. How could you confuse

them? Um, yeah, it just wasn't into it. And I also thought Chewbacca was fucking useless. I mean, Chewbacca was basically Bigfoot. They just gave it a different name, typical Hollywood movie, you know, steal an idea, give it a different name and then stand there being like, what, what? I don't know, you any money? You know, that Chewbacca like fought the $6 million man, like six years earlier on television. You saw him with his bionic eye, right? And they fought each other. And then a few years later, he's in space. No, wait, that was the Bigfoot was Andre the Giant. Yeah, and all he did was fill in his face. And then he had Chewbacca. I just didn't fucking get, I don't understand Chewbacca. It's a fucking, uh,

it's like an orangutan or something, orangutan. I would say orangutan, like the drink, orangutan. That's what it was, right? Why are you shooting a gun? Did Han Solo go run up to Darth Vader and try to bite his neck like a fucking tiger? I didn't get it. I didn't like, I didn't like Chewbacca. I didn't like how he sat up, right? You know what I mean? I didn't like that hole. I didn't, I just didn't like it. And I hated the fucking robots. You know, I thought C3PO was just to rip off of that dude from Lost in Space, the gay guy running around. How the fuck did that guy ever end up on a space trip? I mean, he just didn't have the, he just didn't have the, he didn't have the, I don't know.

What's the word I'm looking for? He just didn't have the chemical makeup to do with it. Like the guy was like absolutely scared of his own fucking shadow. Why in God's name would he get on a spaceship and travel through space when he has stayed home? You know? Well, shit, Bill, you don't understand how planes fly yet. You get, you get on one every fucking week, don't you? The hell was I talking about? Let's try to work our way back here. $6 million, man. Fucking Bigfoot, Sasquatch. Oh, Epcot's. Oh, the fucking Disneyland. I mean, it's got to look like the goddamn projects at this point, doesn't it? Did they keep it up? Did they work on it? I mean, what can they really offer you at this point? Did they make the rides bigger for all the fatties? People weren't nearly

as fat the last time I went there. When I went down there, the big thing to do is when you went to Florida was you got one of those mesh shirts that had the number on it and it said Florida 78, 79 or 80. That was like a big deal. And you pulled your tube socks up to your knees. You had little Larry Bird shorts on and you were probably wearing Adidas dragons or either Nike Cortez or the nylon ones, the blue ones with the yellow stripe or swoosh. I think that was about it. And then the broke kids were wearing Tom McCants, you know, and their socks, the elastic thing was fucked up up top. That was it. That's the last time I went there. Oh, no, wait, I went there about a year ago. Didn't I two years ago? I don't fucking know. Florida is a weird state. You know,

they got all that money down there in Miami. And other than that, you got a bunch of people living with mosquitoes trying to act like they got money. You know, even the mansions down there in Florida, they all look like the fucking cheesecake factory, don't they? You look some like Americanized version of like a Mexican restaurant. And they have like those manmade like fake lagoons. They put people out there and like every other day, like somebody gets like murdered, or a hurricane hits that house. It's just a horrible fucking state. And I'm gonna be performing there on September. Oh, shit, you know what I got into? I got into the fucking NBA playoffs. I finally got into it and I'm loving it. I'm back into basketball. I got no choice. The Bruins were knocked out. But I gotta

tell you, I fucking hate that I hate the officiating. The officiating is the fucking worst. You can't even like bump into anybody. You can't go near anybody. There's any sort of touching of human beings, those fucking jerk offs below the whistle, and they just they kill the drama, just let them play the fucking game. You know, it was the worst yesterday was I was watching the Lakers playing Denver. And Paugasol, the worst thing that ever happened was Paugasol got called out for being soft. They called him the Tin Man after the, well, they lost to the Celtics in the finals. So now he's like trying to be this hard ass guy. So anytime like he'll like he's trying to tip the ball, he tips it up again, tips it up again, then it finally goes in, then he tries to do the Kevin

Garnett, you know, primal scream, he's like, right? And he tries to act like he's just fucking badass. But anytime he gets called for a foul, you see the real him. He'll tip it in, he'll dunk, he'll do all this stuff and stand there going, punching his chest. And then like the second they call a foul on me, he's just like, what? I didn't do it. Oh my god. He's just sitting with his fucking mouth hanging open and just shaking his head. You know, he just seems like he'd have a really like soft handshake. You know, it's probably good at playing the piano. I'm just not buying it. So what do you guys think the next round? Look at me talking basketball. I don't know shit about it. I still only know four Celtics. I know the big four. That's it. I don't know anybody else. I

haven't watched, I haven't watched one fucking game this year. I went to one basketball game, went to the Lakers, Oklahoma game when met a world peace through an elbow. And I love how everybody judged him about that. Oh, well, his name is met a world peace, but he fucking elbowed somebody in the head. That's not too peaceful, is it? Right? What about God? You know, he's supposed to be, you know, the king of peace. And all I hear is how he's mad at me. And his son's going to come down here and murder a bunch of people throwing lightning bolts on the back of some fucking seven headed horse. You know, what would you do if if met a world peace was the second coming of Christ? Wouldn't that be fucking awesome? I would love to go to some Aryan meeting after that if

they just proved it without a fucking doubt that that was the son of God. Do you know how much I pray for shit like that? Or like for the toughest guy in the NFL to just come out of the closet and say he's gay and then continuing to kick the shit out of people. Those are the kinds of things that I want to see. You know, at this point, I mean, what the fuck else are you going to do? Right? They got cars that are going to start parking themselves. Do you see that the ditzy broad they had in the car that Ford focused commercial with that douche with the hat with no label on it? You know, she's just saying like, oh, God, the car's like parking itself. What was that movie with that

stupid little robot, the cartoon? And it had people in the future and they were so fat that they couldn't fucking move. They just sort of sloshed around. Didn't they have like remote control wheelbarrows? You remember that there was a little robot that looked like a blender. And of course it had some sort of relationship with like a fucking, I don't know, nail gun. I don't remember movies. There's got to be a love story that's got to be hard. I don't know what the fucking movie was. You know what it was? It's called iPod Wally. Wasn't there some Wally in there? I don't know. Whatever. But they said everyone was gonna be so fat in the fucking future that we didn't have legs anymore. And all these people got fucking offended. And here they are,

they're making all this shit. You don't even have to think anymore. Does that even make sense? You do have to think, don't you? You know, this is one of these podcasts I should have ended 10 minutes ago because every, you know, I sound right now, I sound like somebody who says they didn't commit the murder and I'd keep hanging around talking just further convicting myself. I keep saying I'm not dumb. And I just keep doing things just to say otherwise. All right, here's the deal. I'm doing the the handjob whisperer this week. And then I'm performing it flappers. That's my May. Are you jealous? And in June, then I'm doing some other stuff and just come on out and see me. And let

me send me some some movies that I should go see that I'll then forget and splice together with other movies and you guys can laugh at me. That's it. Hey, keep going to Amazon.com through my website. Go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page and click on the banner for Amazon. If you want to go buy something, if you do buy something, they'll kick me back a percentage. It doesn't cost you any more money and 10% of that goes to the wounded warrior project. If Amazon.com ever gives me any money. Oh, that's how business is. Anyways, that's a podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. My predictions. I want to say the Kings are going to beat Phoenix. This point that game should be over. I want to say it, but there's just something about, you know, I don't

want to jinx them. LA's never won a Stanley Cup, right? Neither is Phoenix, but they haven't been waiting that long. So I got a roof for LA. And then you got the New York Rangers versus the the county New Jersey Denver Denver, New Jersey Devils. And I don't know, I think the Devils are going to win just because they just play that fucking goddamn defense and you can't get around it. Then you got to dump it in and chase it and I'll have fucking bullshit. Who knows? That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I will see you next week. God bless. And that's it. All right, see you. BNB Premium Selection. Vertrouw U Instinct. Volg U Verstand. Info and forwarder on bnb.b