Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-14-18

Episode Date: May 15, 2018

Bill rambles about museums, paper shredders, and getting a lawyer.

In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. In 2018, how are you? What is going on with you? Oh really? That is interesting.

I just feel like for me... Do you know I went to a Mother's Day... By the way, happy belated Mother's Day out there for all the women out there who are mothers and you know there's nothing more important or loving or giving than a love letter. The way they go on and on about mothers, remember that on Father's Day. That's like a fucking blurb, you know, at the bottom of the stock exchange. Oh by the way, happy Father's Day. There's nothing more important.

Anyways, anyways, you know what I mean? They're the quarterback. They get all the fucking glory. As a father, you're the left tackle, you know, protecting their ass and nobody gives a shit. They don't even know when you get traded, nobody's sitting in the stands wearing your jersey, right? Who the fuck buys a fucking left tackles fucking goddamn jersey? Is it the guard? Is it the guard position? Is that the one that's all important? Is that the one... I'm sure everybody who plays fantasy football and never competed in their life will let me know that that's not exactly... it's not the tackle, it's the guard.

Or is it the tackle? I don't give a fuck. So we went to the Getty Villa, which is a museum. And evidently it's by this guy, John Paul Getty. And John Paul Getty evidently was a really rich guy. And like a lot of rich guys, he didn't pay any taxes evidently. So he went out and he bought a bunch of art. John Paul Getty, let's see, didn't pay taxes. Let's see if this comes up with anything.

The reason why John Paul Getty refused to pay 16 or the billionaire refused to pay kidnappers. Oh, that was kidnappers. The tragedy of the Getty's. Oh, now I feel bad. What happened? Severed ears. What happened? Safari can't open this page. Is this still an active case? The billionaire who refused to pay kidnappers to save his grandson's life. What? Oh, man, what a cold bastard. The upcoming film All the Money in the World. When the fuck did this come out?

Oh, it's a film. That doesn't mean anything. That means it was based on a true story and then everything else is going to be bullshit, right? It's like that movie Hidden Figures. They start like taking real people and then they combine them together and they amalgamate, like take three people and they combine them into one person. And then people start coming up to you and they start quoting movies like that, like they read a fucking history book. It's like, no, you went to the movies. You ate gummy bears and popcorn.

That's not reading. This is coming from someone who doesn't read. Oh, Kevin Spacey played fucking J. Paul Getty. The upcoming All the Money in the World has been garnered, garnering a lots of buzz for the scandal around it. A month ago, the filmmakers just, oh, Jesus Christ, not that scandal. I want to hear about the fucking kid's life. All right, but the scandal is based on 1973.

John Paul Getty III, the 16-year-old grandson of the oilman J. Paul Getty, then said to be the world's richest man worth some $1.2 billion, which is around $9.1 billion today, was kidnapped in Rome. His inductors demanded 17 million bucks. But this guy probably had in his breastcoat pocket. Although rich people never walk around with money. You know, they never have it. They never fucking have it. Which his family wouldn't pay, leading to his captors to cut off his right ear. The ordeal coupled with terrible neglect ruined the boy's life.

At just 24, he ended up paralyzed as a result of a drug overdose. As it turns out, all the money in the world could not save him. Well, I wonder what he was probably thinking. Well, if I pay this guy, I'm going to have to pay everybody. I'm not giving you 17 million. You realize how many derricks that could buy? Yelling at his daughter? Well, fuck your husband again without a condom and have another one.

Christ, they're free. One of the few things in life that's free. Making a baby. Making a baby is free. Provided you can find a woman that doesn't need to go on a date and have a relationship first. Other than that, it's probably one of the more expensive things you do. How are you, everybody? This is the Monday Morning Podcast. It's a little bit late because I was out celebrating Mother's Day. I realized for the 9 millionth time in my life, I am not a museum guy.

Unless it's like a museum of cars, drums. I would literally enjoy seeing a museum of refrigerators that started with iceboxes, you know? And they just, you know, well, we're back in the 19 fucking teens. The first motorized cars bought icebox down the street. Get your fucking ice here. You deburke your lost cunts. Get your ice here. Right, watch one of those things. I went to the Holly Davidson Museum.

I obviously enjoyed that. You know, but I'm not a headphones guy. You know, you get to the fucking museum. I'm going to tell you guys what kind of guy I am by telling you all the guys I'm not. And then you can do process of elimination. Okay, what you've learned on this fucking podcast already. I'm not a museum guy. I'm not a headphones guy. And a few podcasts back, I told you I was a breakfast guy.

All right. I'm the kind of guy that tells you what kind of guy he is and he isn't. Whether you asked or not. And I'll go on and on and on and on and on and you won't even get to speak. That's the kind of guy I am. I don't like going to museums and you get that little fucking recorder. And then you have like the headphones and shit. You got to walk around and look at every goddamn exhibit.

I just kind of blow through it and get a gist. And if anything catches my eye, I'm fine with it. You know, I don't need to look at every goddamn knick-knack and see what like a brooch look like in the Middle Ages. So I went to the J. Paul Getty villa. And I imagine 17 million probably put that pool in. So, well, then a lot of people would give their ear for that. So maybe he was right. I don't know.

I don't fucking know. Anyways, that's what I would do if my parents were that fucking rich. My parents were that goddamn rich. I would die of a drug overdose or something might do. Go out and get a job, you know. But what sucks is when you're that level rich, they can always hang it over your head. So I would probably rebel and just go my own way.

Be one of those fucking morons, you know. Instead of having to fucking jump through every hoop all of a sudden, you got to take fencing classes and all that shit that makes you a gentleman. Learn how to sail. You know, all that rich white shit that if you're in a fucking will, you know what I mean? First of all, someone that has that amount of money, for the most part, you know, as far as the movies tell me, when I sit there eating,

you know, I don't eat gummy bears. I always go with the fucking peanut M&M's. You can't get the ones that don't have peanuts in them. When you get the plain M&M's, if you actually eat a movie-sized bag of one of those, you are so full of sugar like you start having like disturbing thoughts. You got to get the peanut M&M's, I think, or I'll get the chocolate covered almonds. Hey, I'm a fucking peanut M&M guy.

I'm not a plain M&M. When did I start saying what kind of guy I am? This is some middle-aged shit, you realize that? When you start talking about that shit, you know, trying to carve out, you know, hoping somebody someday is going to make a statue of you. It ain't happening. Do you realize how many people you have to kill and oppress in order to get a statue made out of you?

You know, if you don't have an athletic ability. But even then, you got to crush a lot of homers, dunk a lot of balls, score a lot of goals, throw for a bunch of touchdowns. You got to do a lot of shit to get a statue. Everything's a lot. So if you're in power, you have to oppress a lot of people. You have to kill a lot of people, you know,

or maybe die tragically. It's not worth it. You know what I mean? Even if you're like fucking one of those athletes that gets a statue, because that's what happens, you know, you miss your kids growing up. While you were out there fucking, you know, getting your Gordy Howe hat tricks, what were they doing? Huh?

They were out there getting kidnapped, getting their ears chopped off. So, you know, I guess, I guess what I'm trying to say is it's a price that everybody pays. Um, yeah, so I went through that museum and, um, the only thing I liked, they had a giant ball of Play-Doh that for some reason took somebody 20 years to put together. And I can't imagine how much their significant other much to complain. You know? And I was a guy, I don't know if my wife just started doing that with the Play-Doh.

After a while, I'd be like, ah, well, it keeps her happy. You know? She's, I was going to say she's out of my hair, but I don't have any. Um, yeah, other than that, I know it's just a bunch of fucking weird looking statues. Nobody looked happy back in the day. You know, everybody's just fucking grumpy. That's because most people died by the time they were like 20. Like, you know, like not only people have a problem contemplating their own mortality,

because you can, you know, even if you're a moron, you can pretty much live a good 70 years. So you don't have to think about it for a while. You can stand there on your smartphone, right? As you take a picture of the menu and then text, what should I get to your fucking boyfriend or your girlfriend, whatever your deal is? But back then, you know, people like you, you got a fever and you just died. You know, you fell off something. You know, your leg turned fucking black.

You just, you just fucking, people died back then. You know, they didn't just keep going the way we do. Once you fucking, you know, anything happened to you back then. You've just fucking died. Mother's given birth, died. Maybe Xenom died two for one right there. You know, it really is amazing. You got to, you really have to appreciate the level of fucking that has been done globally for us to get to this level.

I guess maybe it's science, you know, coming up with aspirin and shit like that. You know, this is even dumb for me. I'm literally stepping outside myself listening to this. Here's a funny story for you real quick. Okay, all right, last night I went down to the comedy store. They had the memorial ceremony for Mitzi Shore. The woman who created, started the comedy store and ran it for decades. And basically because of what she did, I got to all of these comedians that I watched that made me want to be a comedian was because that she started the place and looked out for them and all of that stuff.

So I had to go down there. You know, even though I only met her twice, one time I didn't really even meet her. I was auditioning for her. And they were like, this is Mitzi Shore and she barely looked at me and I went up on stage. And I don't even know how much time I did, but she was gone by the time I got off. And her review was he isn't ready as much as that pissed me off. She was right. I wasn't ready.

And then years later, I got in and I talked to her briefly. So, you know, I didn't want to go up. You know, I hate when people go up on a memorial service and talk when they didn't fucking know the person. So unfortunately, I didn't get to know her. But I definitely more than profited off of all the work that she did in all the comics before. So thank you to all of them. So anyway, so I'm down there. And, you know, getting to watch all these people talking, telling all these hilarious stories about Mitzi and the comedy store back in the day.

And this person comes up to me and goes, Hey, you know, I guess like an audience member or something was I was a, you know, comedy groupie or some shit was going, Hey, I was in fucking. I was at your show the other night. Were you trying out a bunch of new stuff? I said, Hey, you know, few things here or there were new, but you know, for most part, you know, proven stuff. And she goes, What about that me too stuff? And I said, Oh, no, I've had that since, you know, shit started going down. And she goes, Would you like to hear my opinions of that material as a woman as a female? She goes, Would you like to hear my opinions on that material as a female?

And I just go, No. I walked away. I just love that. Would you like to hear my opinions as a female? What does that mean as a female? You are a female. Could you give me your opinions as a hermaphrodite? You know, how would you do that?

I have no idea. I don't. I'm just, I'm sure that person is a nice person. I didn't take offense to it, but it was one of the easiest questions I've ever had to answer. And I just walked away and to her credit, she laughed and I just walked away. But I think that's just a symptom of, you know, just the internet. Now you can comment on fucking YouTube videos. You can comment on fucking, you know, fucking spew every thought you ever fucking have on a podcast.

I'm literally talking to myself. So maybe that's what the fuck it is, but I've never in my life. I've never had a conversation like that was fucking bizarre. Oh yeah, by all means. Why don't you punch out my shit? That's what I was waiting for. A complete stranger to help me out with my act. Could I have a complete stranger's set of eyes on this shit?

And by the way, the material I did, it fucking killed. It fucking killed that night. Let me guess your opinion is you didn't like it. Oh, maybe that's why I'm doing it. If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of an asshole. Anyways, plowing ahead. Did anybody watch the F1 race over there in fucking in Spain? Place I would love to go someday.

What an exciting race. They got to do something, man. Do something to these cars where there's some sort of passing in the front row. It's like Louis Hamilton just fucking he just, he just got to the corner first. He was in pole position and then that was it. The one exciting thing was Ferrari pit it early and they went to the medium tires. You know, you know, I remember that the one, the one with the white lettering on medium is because they always say white guys are boring, average, whatever.

You know, that's how I remember those. I always forget like yellow soft and super soft is the pink, right? And I'm not going to get into the metaphor about that. But anyways, the only exciting thing was when Sebastian Vettel pitted early and changed his tires and it was just like, is he going to be able to catch him? And that answer that was answered pretty fucking quickly with a resounding no. And somehow Louis Hamilton after such a shitty fucking start is fucking he's back in first place again. And I don't know why it bugs me.

That was just because years ago. I remember when like, you know, he was asking his teammate to fucking help him out. This is when he had the, the, the fucking days of thunder, Ricky Bobby shit going on with that fucking guy. What the fuck was his name back in the day? Nico Rosberg. They didn't get along. So Nico was being a teammate for him a few races earlier and then when it was flipped and Nico was winning the race and they needed Louis Hamilton to do something, you know, basically do the same thing that Nico did for him.

He fucking refused, which is not what you're supposed to do. You know, he went Kobe Bryant on it. I want the ball. And ever since then, I was like, ah, fuck it, fuck this guy. I don't like this guy with his red private jet. All right, I'm stalking him. I don't like literally not like the guy, but that was just one of those things. It's just like, you know, I don't know.

So anyway, so I've somehow being German and Irish guy, I should be rooting for the fucking Mercedes team, right? I'm mostly German. But for some reason I'm rooting for Ferrari. Maybe because it's just every time, every fucking year, it's like Mercedes wins the two years that I've been watching. I think that's, that's what it is. I don't know. Lewis, would you like to hear my opinions of your driving as a male who doesn't drive competitively? So anyways, I'm up here in San Francisco.

That's why I had a early flight today. That's why I, the podcast is very late today. Flo up here. It was funny. I checked the weather in San Francisco and right before the window opened, I said gloomy and shitty. And that's exactly what it is. Although the sun's coming out right now. This, this, everybody talks about Seattle, how it rains and it's fucking gloomy and all that.

I don't know. I've had more sunny days on shows in fucking Seattle and Portland combined than I have the, every time I've come here. It's just always just sort of, you know, you always have to have a jacket. I can't, if I ever started a store here in San Francisco, I wouldn't try to fuck with the burritos because everybody's got that locked down. But I would definitely have some sort of jacket and hat store. It's just fucking miserable here. And I'm staying at this hotel. I'm doing one show a night, seven PM shows.

I love it. I'm an old guy. I love the seven PM one show done at nine o'clock. I come home. I get in the bed. I fucking relax. You know, I do my Rosetta Stone, a little bit of French. You know, not hurting anybody.

Just an old bald white guy, right? But anyways, you know, I wanted, you know, my big birthday is coming up 50 turning 50 June 10th next fucking month. So I wanted to drop the last couple of pounds and I went downstairs and I got this shitty fucking gym. It's the worst. Do you have a gym? Yeah, we have a gym. No, you don't. The gym is smaller than my room.

And I have a basic fucking room with two queen beds. Oh, maybe the gym is the same. So I think they just took a room and they just, they got, they got one of that thing where you sit down and pretend you're riding a bicycle, which nobody gets on that. Right. People who wear makeup and read us magazine when they work out, get on that fucking thing. Then they got an elliptical. Great. But they only got one.

And right next to it is a treadmill. And right next to that is a treadmill. And then you're at the wall. They got a couple of kettlebells. They got some dumbbells. They got no bench. You know, so I guess you just doing shoulders and curls. You know, I don't know what.

And then they got a couple of dirty bands down there. Those elastic bands. Well, fortunately I brought some shit with me, but I don't know. I'm going to start making demands here. If I'm going to be in a hotel, the gym has to be bigger than my hotel room. Can there be more than one? Cause you know what's going to happen? You're going to go down there and it is just going to be fucking, you know, you get down there in the morning.

There's just going to be those gym rats down there. Just fucking all over those things, sweating and shit. It's going to be gross. But fortunately it's San Francisco. So I'm just going to walk the hills. I think that's what I'll do. Oh, and how about those Celtics? I taped the game.

I didn't see one second of it. I was over at the J Paul Getty Pavilion, whatever the fuck I was, the villa, which you actually, when I fly, when I do solo flights, I fly out of Burbank a lot and I go all the way out past Camarillo. I always call it Camarillo because of rich Camarillo, punter for the Patriots. And then I come down the coast all the way down Malibu, right as you get to the Pacific Palisades, you get on with Santa Monica Airport and you say at the Getty Villa helicopter, whatever, whatever, whatever. Santa Monica Tower helicopter, whatever, whatever. South panel on the coast at the Getty Villa.

Requesting fucking eastbound transition to your fucking airspace. Sorry, I'm out of it. This is why I never do podcasts when I fly. I don't know what the hell happens. I flew southwest and there was no fucking stand up on the flight. It was great. No bad stand up on the flight. And cruise right up here, great flight and all that.

And anyway, so yesterday I was at the fucking the Getty Villa. And that's when the Celtics game was on. I missed the whole fucking game. And I don't know how we did it, but we beat them and we won by 20 points, which is amazing. But I'm thinking that might have been like a fucking hangover game because... No, yeah, they were idle. That's right, because they swept Toronto. So game two is fucking huge.

Game two, I actually think if we win game two, having watched three Celtics games this year, if we win game two, I think actually I think game two is a must win. Because they got LeBron James. LeBron James, one of the biggest enigmas ever. As far as like what that guy has done versus the level of shit that he gets. I just, I don't understand it. Are people ever going to forgive that guy for taking his talents down to South Beach? All right, so he went down there.

He was part of a couple of pylon fucking teams. But then he went back to Cleveland and won them their first fucking championship since fucking Jim Brown in 1965. That should have been the end of the movie. The man redeemed himself. I've never seen a guy, no matter what the fuck he does, people find a reason to shit all over him. And what kills me is meanwhile, Kobe Bryant demanded free agents every fucking year. Four Shaq out of town cost him a fucking championship because Shaq was still in his prime. He went to Miami, they won there.

Never gets any shit or doesn't get nearly as much shit. For the life of me, I don't understand why LeBron James gets so much shit. He's literally willing this team into the, into the conference finals. So whatever, other people don't understand that guy. I get, I get who that fucking dude is. And I think if we don't win game two, we have no shot at winning this series. And even if we do win game two because of LeBron James, I don't know. I got 200 bucks on the series though.

Somebody talked me into it. I was like, dude, I ain't got a fucking bag. If we win two games, I'm going to be thrilled. We got to the Eastern Conference Finals, you know, without Rick Roby and Eric Fernstein. Who's that guy? We got from the Cavaliers. Who's up? I already don't remember his name.

The other guy there, Mo Howard, that we got from fucking Utah. I missed every Celtic game this year just about except for like maybe two. I know Jaylen Brown and Rosier and Tatum have been the story. Kyrie Irving. There we go. I think next year we're going to look pretty good. It'd be great to get another championship before the Lakers rebuild. I don't know.

We'll see. We'll see what the fuck happens. But I should probably, you know, it's great though, is the fact that I have early shows. I think I can actually catch a lot of the games this week. Maybe get back into it. It's fucking hilarious. Celtics for the last two years and now they're like, well, I can't say legit shot to be killed. You know something?

I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about this week. Why don't I just do a little bit of advertising here? How about that? I went old school, by the way. I brought all my shit up here. All my podcasting stuff up here. Something I haven't done in a while. And you would think if I would bring all my equipment up here, I'd actually have a decent

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Sorry I needed to rhyme. Look at all the old shit, isn't it nice? Go out to the cafeteria and order some rice. It tastes like shit and it's a hundred bucks. Because you're eating at a fucking museum with a bunch of snotty kids. I don't like little boys, by the way. Now that I have a daughter, they're always fucking jumping around making all kinds of noise and fucking bumping into kids.

I really don't like them. The amount of times I've fantasized about punting one of those little bastards across the fucking room. You know, I had my daughter there at the museum and I just knew these fucking kids, you know, and they're doing that dumb shit little boys do to try to get attention, talking in weird voices and jumping around flailing their fucking arms. Good lord. As much as I can't stand them, I realized that I was one of them. All right, me on D's, you've definitely heard me talk about me on D's.

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There you go. Um, yeah. Speaking of which, this run of dates here is my last tune up before I go over there and do these, those two huge shows, which, um, in a good way, I am nervous about, I want to make sure that I have a good show. So I am going to be doing a bunch of shit this week and then that'll be what the end of this week will be 18th. All right.

So I still have, I still have like a two week gap. I'm going to have to do a lot of fucking popping in, doing some shows to make sure I stay on my fucking game here. Um, all right. In the eye of the beholder. Oh fuck. Why did I write that down? Oh, you know what?

Cause since my Bruins lost in the playoffs, um, I ended up, uh, some friends want to get together and they want to play that metallics, the Talica song, I have the beholder from off of the injustice for all album. I believe it's track number two. And, um, so I've been listening to all this metallica and I never used to listen to them. I went the other way. I listened to more fucking, uh, warrant than I listened to Metallica. I like single bass drum playing and I just like, it was just too raw, too fast for my

ears. I never got into it. So now of course I'm going back down, listen to it, go, oh my God, this shit is unbelievable. And, um, I actually sat down. I took a video of, I'll take a video of it and I'll, I'll post it. I actually wrote the entire drum chart out in my own chicken scratch. I didn't put down the hi-hat or money, mainly the crash cymbals, just, uh, just so I could make sense of the song.

And what I noticed about Lars playing is he's pretty, uh, religious when in the chorus and then, you know, what the, a lot of time changes obviously on that album. So those drum parts are pretty repetitive, but in the fucking verses, that guy is just like flying by the seat of his pants. So he has all these different little things that he does and, um, really, really fun album to listen to. And so I sat down and I wrote out the whole fucking drum chart for that song. It's like four or five pages long, um, because I was trying to memorize.

I'm like, this is going to take me for fucking ever. Why don't I, I know how to read drum music. Why don't I just sit down and write this shit out? And I'm really glad that I did, but then I have to watch out like, like I get into shit. So then all of a sudden it's like, well, I'm going to write out the drum chart for sure to start. I'm going to do the whole fucking album, um, anything to keep me out of the bars. I'm not going to lie to you.

I had one drink Saturday and one drink Sunday, small ones and, uh, very small ones. And now I'm back on the wagon again. So, uh, that's how I'd like to drink. I'd like to really think about drinking now before I do it, which is what I think about is the next morning and how awesome I have felt not drinking. So, uh, I had a very, very, very fucking incredible tequila and, uh, it wasn't even a finger. Like as far as how much I poured, maybe it was a finger. Um, and I just sipped it.

It was nice. I really enjoyed it. Didn't even have ice on it, nothing, just really nice. And then that was it. And then I was done. And then I had a water right next to it. And I merely go one, if I go to the water, that, that fucking makes me not go like, oh, I'm going to have a fucking bunch of these.

Um, so anyways, I think I'm going to, uh, the goal anyways is just kind of chill this week. And, um, you know, I've been talking to a couple of my buddies who've just been starting to slow down a little bit with the drink. And it's just more like, I don't know how you look at it, you know, because I am not by any means a young man anymore. And that shit will fucking age you and kick the shit out of you. And, uh, life is hard enough. I don't need to be adding that, you know.

So anyways, speaking of which, I found a healthy place in my hotel and I just walked down there, got that stuff and all that shit, you know. So I guess I got it. I got it. It's time to pass the baton. Okay. Partying is a young man's fucking game and, uh, I'm done with it there. I said it.

Um, I want to be done with it. I should say every once in a while though, every once in a while, you know, I go to that one big college football game a year. I go to the Rose Bowl and, uh, you know, whatever, maybe three, four times a year. But other than that, I'm, I'm fucking done with this shit. Um, okay. I hope anyways. All right.

Ex-wife pretended to be my parole officer. Um, okay. Uh, hey, Billy blue balls. I wish making this story, I wish I was making this story up, but I am not. Well, how would she pretend to be your parole officer without you knowing she must have done it to somebody else. Somehow she must have fucked you over anyways, I'm in my early forties and had been married for 12 years.

Unfortunately, the marriage ended in a divorce last year. Well, when she found out you were in the mob, how the fuck you're married for 12 years. This guy's like a responsible fucking dude. He ends up going to jail. Even though we had no children, my wife got to keep the house in the divorce settlement. Of course she did. Of course she did. They're always victims and the guy's always the fucking asshole, um, divorces and alimony

are expensive. So for the past year, I've been renting a townhouse. Well, dude, you're doing fine. You rent a townhouse in this little community, uh, where most of the other residents are elderly couples. Oh, I see. So you waited for someone to die and you moved in there. I love it.

Uh, I enjoy, just don't steal their fucking social security checks. I enjoy living here and even though most of the other residents are older, there is a nice community center that has a tennis court. Yeah. And you're fucking beating everybody feeling like a young man and a pool and events during the week and sometimes even live music. So all in all, not too bad of a situation. Well about three months ago, I met this great lady and we began to date.

My ex-wife found out and did not take it well that I was back in the dating pool so quickly. Yeah. Cause why getting the house? Cause I was at the fucking house. So she went around to all my neighbors pretending to be my parole officer. Wow. Well, they're all witnesses. Why don't you sewer for defamation of character?

She can you do that? She claimed that I am a registered sex offender and she was following up to see if I had gone around door to door to admit to my neighbor, I was the sex offender. Oh, you got to sue the shit out of this woman. Obviously, I did not do this because I am not a sex offender. And so all the neighbors said, no, I not disclose to them my sex offender pass. I had no idea my ex did this until a week later. I got a letter from the community board of residence requesting that I move out for being

in breach of state laws requiring me to disclose my sex offenses. All right, dude, all you need is a lawyer, brother. All you need is a lawyer. This is easy. This is fucking easy. I of course went to the board and told them that they were all lies, but they did not believe me because I could not prove I'm not a sex offender. Yeah, you can go get your fucking record.

I found a website and searched my name and of course, nothing came up, but they wouldn't believe me. Plus, dude, this is so simple. This is so simple. Sue your wife and sue this fucking say you're going to sue this old fucking folks home. If they kick you out, plus they said even I was telling even if I was telling the truth and then my ex is lying. They don't want me in my community because I hang around people who wouldn't lie about

such a transgression. Okay. Well, that's that's kind of fair in their part. I do not want to move, especially because they said they did not. They don't have to give me any sort of refund and I'd be liable to pay the remainder of my lease. I'm not sure what my options are and to involve the legal team will only add to expenses. Well, you'll send them right back to her and I still may have to move.

What do I do? Thanks for listening and go fuck yourself. Well, provided you're not a sex offender, I would get a fucking lawyer and tell the guy, listen, you got a fucking, you know, what do they call that? Fucking pro bono or some shit working for the sag minimum. I would absolutely get a lawyer. I would absolutely get a lawyer and I think you're the judge in your divorce case who handles your alimony and all that shit should know what this woman did.

I would press, I would find out whatever, um, whatever, uh, legally you can do whatever a law she must, that can't be fucking legal to do that. And then you got all that shit that they do, all the emotional stress and how this fucking affected you. And I would sue the fucking shit out of her. Um, that is all. That's what I would do. Absolutely get a lawyer.

Apps of fucking literally get a lawyer. Jesus fucking Christ. Do you see this? This is why this me too shit where you've created this thing now where you don't need any proof. You know what I'm saying? I'm all for getting all these bad guys, you know, outed and all that shit, but you can't just create a system where you take due process and you throw it out the fucking window, okay?

Because of shit like this. And I know all the hype out there right now is that women are victims and they're all these fucking angels. And the truth of the matter is, is there's assholes and there's vindictive people out there who have dicks and sometimes they have vaginas and you just can't have people going around fucking doing stuff like this. And you know, if we're really going to go into a future where everything is fair, you have to start, you know, women have to be responsible for their actions.

You can't fucking go around and do something like that over some petty bullshit to fucking ruin a guy's life like that. I mean, do you realize like how vindictive that is? That is unfucking believable. And I like, I'd be honest with you, I would never in a million years, no matter how long I sat there and thought I could never come up with something as bad as that. And I don't need to tell the guys listening to this that women can effortlessly do that. Hell hath no fury like a fucking woman scorned, especially when they're not held fuck a response.

You know, I just love how women can get away with like destruction of property. There's even a commercial on TV where this guy is going through some sort of breakup and this woman is just throwing all of his shit out the fucking window computers and all that and it's played for comedy. It's fucking considered hilarious. You know what I mean? Which fine, I can roll with that, but you can't, you know, have some overbearing guy screaming at his fucking wife played for comedy anymore.

I guess she used to be able to do that. But, um, you know, sir, if you were actually innocent of all everything that she just did there, I would absolutely, you know what, dude, why don't you start a startup? Start a startup to get a fucking lawyer. You give me the link, dude, and I'll throw 500 bucks at it. Sue the shit out of her. If she fucking did this to her, sue the fucking shit out of her. Good luck to you.

All right. And I'll tweet out the fucking link and everybody just get on this thing and let's get this guy a fucking lawyer. So he can get on with this goddamn life. He's not doing anything wrong, according to him. Okay. As long as what he's doing is telling the truth. Other than that, I think I might be giving $500 to a sex offender.

Kidding. All right. Crazy wife. Jesus. Hey ladies, can you guys write in too? Cause I want to keep this balance. I don't want this to be a fucking sausage fest here. All right.

Um, all right. Crazy wife. I have a wife I met overseas. All right. Well, you know what? That's your fucking fault. All right. You're going to go over there and they're going to have their fucking wooden shoes and

their awful teeth. I mean, what, you know, you're going to be over here and bring her around the buffalo wild wings. What do you think is going to happen? Anyways, he goes on 25 and she's 22. We're not technically married since we didn't finalize the paperwork. Okay. Then what is the problem?

We just had the ceremony, which is the only reason this question is worth asking. Otherwise I just deal with it. Okay. Fair enough. It's like the possibility of dealing with the consequences of dropping her is the better option. Uh, okay. This, this already feels like you've already made your decision.

You just want me to back it up. We were dating two years. She was normal, but since we got married, she flips out and gets hysterical over little things to the point where I feel awkward to just be next to her even when we're alone. My first guess is, uh, she got married too young and she's freaking out because I would guess most of her friends aren't married yet at 22. I think she must be bipolar or something. She's still overseas.

I'm about to submit to the paperwork to get her a visa, but I'm at a critical point in my future career that's very competitive and I can't deal with any of that much less put up with it for the rest of our lives. When she freaks out, she says slings like she wish she hadn't married me and fuck me and all that, which is one thing. But then she says she wishes she were dead and that she wants to kill herself. Oh, dude, dude. You know what?

I would take that paperwork and I would go down to Staples and say, Hey, you know, I'm in the market for a paper shredder. Um, do you have the cross cutting one? Maybe. Yes. Uh, anyway, you could plug it in. I could just try it out. And then when they plug it in, you put that marriage contract in there and then look at

the staples guy and be like, yeah, I mean, it's nice, but I don't, I don't think I need it. I don't think I like it. And then just walk out. All right. Because dude, I think you're going to end up like the guy in the last one living in an old folks home with some crazy fucking woman. Anyways, he goes, I can find someone else by my friends and family.

No, we got married and we're expecting to have her over soon. Dear parents aren't going to give a fuck. Is it better to bite the bullet and admit I made a dumb choice rushing into marrying this girl before I have to deal with the divorce settlements? That absolutely is. Keep in mind her culture is very old fashioned and her friends and family would look down on her and she might never date slash marry again. Not your problem.

Not your fucking problem. She met one foreigner. She can meet another and in case you're wondering, I'm an average looking white dude. She's a solid eight. Dude, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. All right. Okay, dude.

This is in the fact that she's not even there. I mean, whatever the fuck you are, this is this is the greatest thing ever. The situation that you're in is so easy. Just don't sign the papers. You know, just call just and just be totally honest with her. Just say your mood swings are so crazy that I, you know, I no longer want to marry you and let her flip out and let her scream and yell and say she's going to kill herself and all that dude, you know, you can feel bad for her, but you know, you live once.

Okay. You only live once. Okay. And being married is difficult. Even when you marry the right person, forget about somebody that that's that emotionally radical. And she's saying, I wish I never got fucking married so early in the marriage that you haven't even submitted the fucking papers.

I mean, Jesus Christ, dude, take the hint and you're not happy and you've already made the decision. You, we know what you're worried about, dude. It's going to be weird for about fucking four or five days. It's like shaving your head. People like, dude, what the fuck and after five days, they can't remember what you look like with hair, dude, walk away, fucking dump her and just go to the bar and get yourself a really nice fucking IPA, right?

A really nice fucking bear, whatever the fuck you want and just sit there and just know that you, your whole future is, is, is just wide open, wide open. Anything can fucking happen. Okay. And that's it, dude. Walk the fuck away and God bless you for writing in before you ended up in that other guy's situation. 12 years in and you got that fucking nightmare.

Please start that startup, dude. I'm not giving, I'm not kidding. I'll give you a fucking 500 bucks. All right. Worried about my future. Uh, Hey, Billy eight ball. I love the comedy, the podcast, all of it. I have a problem and was wondering to get some of your advice.

I am the oldest of six and I am a junior and I am a junior in high school and soon entering my senior year. Everything is going fine, but the only thing is that I don't want to go to college. Well, then don't go. I personally think college is a scam and unless you want to do, to do specialized profession, unless you want to do a specialized profession, I 100% agree. But besides that, it's nothing but an institution to make debt slaves. All right.

Well, okay. Okay. Relax, relax. It's also a great place to meet women, you know, it's a great, it's a great social thing too. Uh, he goes, I want to leave my home state and move out to Wyoming and become a correctional officer. Uh, the only problem is my parents want me to become a lawyer.

I don't want to become a lawyer. I want to be, I want to do law enforcement. How do you think I should go about telling them? I love the podcast and go fuck yourselves. I would say mom and dad, I have something important that I need to talk to you about. Don't worry. Nobody's pregnant. I'm not on drugs.

Okay. Start with that joke. So they'll relax. It's not life or death, just something I need to talk to you about. Sit them down and say, listen, I don't want to be a lawyer. I want to be in law enforcement. And then that's it and let them react how they're going to react. But you do what you want to do in life.

Uh, I wouldn't have such a bleak look about, you're definitely informed, but you don't want to get so dark that you bung people out that you say stuff like debt slaves. Um, there's also people that go to college for one year and they meet somebody else and then all of a sudden they build a computer and they make fucking billions of dollars. There's all different ways you can do it. There's also ways go to a fucking community college for two years and then transfer into the fucking more expensive, fancier school. The piece of paper is still going to say that you graduated from there.

You're going to, it's going to cost you half as much as a bunch of ways to do it. All right. Um, but I would just sit down, just tell your parents what the deal is. Just let them know, like I said, that you didn't get anybody pregnant and you're not fucking on drugs so they can fucking relax. All right. Boston or Chicago for a lady. Hey, Billy burger tits, um, I'll have you know that I'm back into working out.

I'm back doing push-ups. Um, I don't have burger tits. I have slider tits. Thank you very much. I'm a 28 year old engineer from the North Shore. They went to school in Boston, now work in Boston and I live in Somerville. Saying the rent. That used to be called slumberville.

Now it's all fucking hipsters and cupcake places and all that. It's amazing. I started dating this girl a little over, uh, a year ago who lives in Somerville too, but it's from Chicago. Well, buddy is from Chicago. She just got a new job in Chicago and is moving back there in a month. We talked about this happening before and kind of just decided to play it by beer. She said, and deal with it when it comes.

Well, it came and short-term solution is that I will stay in Boston for the next year and do long distance relationship. All right, wait a second, start dating this new girl a little over. So you've been in it for a year, you're 28. Okay. So I guess my problem is that I'm kind of at an age where I should buy a house instead of throwing money away and rent. So if I decided to move to Chicago, I think we would settle down there and stay there.

But I love living in the Boston area. Granted, I've never lived anywhere else. So who knows what it will be like. I'm still very close with all my high school friends who all live around here. My old man's always on me about buying a house here and wants to fix it up together. If I moved to Chicago, that doesn't help. Do I choose the girl and life most likely in Chicago or stay here, save up for a house, be close to friends and family and try to convince her to come back to Boston.

So a few years ago at the Wilbur will be at the garden show in October with the boys. Can't fucking wait, dude. Oh, thank you. Thank you for that. I don't know, dude. Is she the one? That's what I would ask myself. I would just want to, well, how won't you do this over the next fucking year?

Why don't you go out there and visit Chicago and see if you like it? And see if you like it and see if you still like that person. The great thing is you don't have to make this decision right now. And if you wait another year to buy a house, no biggie, okay, as far as making a rash, fucking decision, dumping this person or buying a place in Boston or buying a place out there before you know about it, I would just go out there and I'd get the lay of the land. I'd get the lay of the land there. I can tell you, Chicago is an incredible city.

I love it. The food's amazing, the people are amazing, the sports there are incredible. But you know, who's kidding who? You're always going to be a Celtics Bruins, Red Sox, or Patriots fan. You just have to be. But now you've got the sports packages and all of that. But I can't tell you, since 1995, I have been living behind enemy lines. I've been living behind enemy lines as a sports fan.

I don't think it'll be as bad in Chicago. I just lived New York in LA, so it was like fucking Yankee fans and Laker fans. So it's just that bullshit. Also during the curse of the Bambino. So, but that is a big decision. And I don't know how much you're into this person. All right. I would think it was your soulmate.

It would be a no-brainer. And you just go wherever the fuck she was going. Within reason though, because you can meet your fucking soulmate. You know, if they go into some shithole, you know, you're not going to want that. But Chicago is not a shithole. Yeah, I mean, I obviously, I can't make this decision for you. But if you think, I don't know, you know, when you know, you know, when you're with the right fucking person.

So if you feel that, then I wouldn't, you know, worry about going somewhere where she lives. Because it's Chicago. I mean, that's a good move. Chicago is fucking great. One thing went from Boston to like fucking, I don't know, Albany. No offense Albany, but you know what the fuck. I don't do it. I can't make this fucking decision for you.

But I wouldn't buy a house or move out there until you figured it out. How about that? Yeah, high school friends, but you guys are all going to get married and have kids and then you're never going to fucking see each other. Anyways, I can tell you that. Or barely see each other or fucking go out and have to be home by nine 30 or 10 o'clock for the sitter, which is a really healthy life, which is why I wished, you know, I got married and had kids a long fucking time ago.

I wouldn't be fucking out there running around, staying out all hours of the night, which is what I would do because I didn't want to go back to the empty, lonely hotel room. So I would stay out as long as I could tells about ready to fall asleep. But I would just come into the hotel room and just fucking collapse. So there you go. There's my advice from a fucking moron comedian. All right. That that was my, my opinion as a male for me.

Anyways, all right, go Celtics. Game two, Red Sox and Yankees tied in first place, which is fucking awesome. Red Sox was on fire. Now we've cooled off. Now the Yankees are on fire, tied for first place. And maybe they're a game ahead. It's right where you want it. It's right where you want it.

It's no fun being in first place. If the Yankees aren't there as a Red Sox fan, okay? And we've played each other six times and we're three and three. So hopefully we'll get to, you know, battle it out in September. Maybe we both make the make the playoffs. We meet once again in October. That's what I'm hoping for. And hopefully the Lakers get fucking good against

so we can beat their asses in the final next year. God knows they'll go out and fucking get a whole bunch of free agents. Who doesn't want to play out there? Racist LA. It's always summer and you can fuck movie stars. All right, that's it. As opposed to racist Boston, where you got to deal with the winners. And for the most part, you go walk around fucking sixes and sevens.

Well, I guess you'd fuck tens, but there's not as many tens in Boston. And then in the, in the best tense, the top of the line tense, they all leave. They all go to the majors, the like New York or fucking LA. And then New York and LA claim them as if they're from there, but they're not. Like New York City is a free agent town as is LA. There's just a bunch of fucking people coming in there. So anyways, all right, that's it. That's the podcast for this week.

I will check in on you on Thursday. Thanks for all the kind notes about the Bill Hader interview. I'd like to do more of those in the future. And that's it. And if you haven't checked out Barry yet on HBO, I'll promote it again. Might be my favorite show out there right now. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll talk to you on Thursday. Download the My The Laissez app and cook me. Yeah, top. The Laissez. Me with a cleaver.