Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-17

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

Bill rambles about hamburger, charities and the Stanley Cup Shot Glass.

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Information and information on Proximus.be. Proximus. Think possible. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 15th, 2017, halfway through the month of May. Oh, Jesus Christ. Do you know Bobby Orr scored that fucking overtime goal on Mother's Day to win the Stanley Cup back then?

You know, I think he only had to win eight. It was like fucking 12 teams. He had the original six and the expansion six. The original six really weren't the original six. They were just the six left over after fucking the stock market crash or some shit. They were the only guys left or after World War One. I can't remember. Didn't like the Lusitania sink and then like half the players on the fucking Montreal Maroons were on it.

I don't know. What is this? Stump the fucking Schwami over here. You know, Nia's been been she's been recording the sports jeopardy, aka Buffalo Wild Wings jeopardy. I would tell you, even a sports fan, it's not easy, but oh, do I seem like a smarty when I'm watching that show? To the point Nia goes, if they ever do any sort of fucking, you know, comedian sports jeopardy thing, where you can give the money to a charity. I love that shit.

It's like, I'm going to go on TV. On to a game show. One of the hardest game shows out there, Jeopardy granted, it's all going to be about sports, but they do a lot of shit of like, you know, you know, who's the first free agent to fucking get into a fight with Al Davis? I'm saying, I don't fucking know. Right. Name the last three owners of the Seattle Seahawks. Like they get, they take it to that level.

You know what I mean? Um, but I love how, you know, Nia was like, oh, you should go on then. Just, you know, give the money to a charity. Fuck the charity. I do enough benefits as a comedian. I can't go on TV and try to win some money from me. You know, hit a couple of categories and they're going, woo. You know, I'm going to go on TV and expose how limited my fucking, I don't know my world is.

I don't know. I'm going to go on TV and make an ass of myself and then give it to some dirty face kid afterwards. I'm going to lose. And then what? Some kid who grew up in a fucking chimney is going to sit there crying cause I went there and basically did the Babe Ruth thing. Hey kid, I'll go out there and hit a home run for you today. Except I'll do it with my mind, man. I'm going to go out there and I'm going to fucking lose cause they're going to be like, uh, yeah.

The brand of baseball glove did goose gossage use when he was still on the fucking Oakland A's. Uh, Rawlings. Oh, no. I'm sorry. The correct answer was a Wilson douchebag family with a chance to steal. Um, I actually did, uh, you know, if I can remember the category, my problem with those shows is sometimes like I don't understand the, uh, you know, they'll say like get Carter. And it takes like me like fucking three in a row to understand like, oh, these are, everybody's got the last name Carter. I got the hardest one too.

Or maybe I'm just the oldest. They brought up the fucking the dude on Michigan. Then I think went to the fucking USFL make this fucking Anthony Carter number one. I first started watching college football. He was the man out there with the Wolverines. All right. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. The great fucking fight songs of all time.

The Michigan, Wyrville, Reans. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. I'm fucking with you. I know what goes hail to the victors. And I was singing the Notre Dame song. Oh, Jesus is team. Right. Oh, Jesus.

They're going for a two point conversion. They're Jesus. What do you got to say? Well, you know, I mean, if they make it, they make it. I mean, I love everybody. Get out of this fucking locker room. You bearded hippie. That's what happened if Jesus came back.

Jesus ever went to the locker room and Newt Rockney was in there. Right. Oh, five foot, nothing of them considered fucking average height way back in the day before they put the horse tranquilizers in the fucking horse. Me that they fed to the horses that they then fed to the cows. Right. That are then in my burger. Maybe that's why I have such a fucking disposition. I eat a lot of red meat.

This is how much red meat I eat. I don't consider hamburger red meat. To me, red meat is I had a steak. I have a burger. I mean, it's, it's. Hey, it's not, it's not right after I'm done cooking it, you know, actually, it's not even true. I like, I like all of it medium rare and what I've been told by a coli freaks where they're like, look, you can have a steak medium rare. That's a lot less of a risk because that's just one cow.

You know, you're rolling the dice. It's like you bang one hooker without wearing a glove. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Right. And then hamburger, though, it's like you banged Vietnam. I don't know why I picked Vietnam. That's the reason I went to fucking full metal jacket. Hey, baby, you got go from Vietnam.

It's like you banged a fucking country of that. That's what hamburger is because it's just a bunch of cows all fucking mulch together. Right. You have a steak. It's like you just fucked one cow. That's what I'm trying to, or a steer, I should say. What's a steer? Well, that's a bull without his balls, buddy.

Right. Take off its fucking horns. I don't know what it is anyways. And if you have hamburger, that's like, you know, you know, you're just Freddie Mercury running around fucking the whole free world. Isn't that basically it? I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm not, I don't know my way around the kitchen enough to know if that analogy worked or not. But I will say that I let's just get back to the original point. Okay.

What was the original point? Yeah, I don't consider hamburger red meat. Or was it that I'm not given some fucking kid who lives in a chimney? I don't know why a chimney, you know, you know what? Seeing broke children is always sad unless they're white. It's just something fucking funny. But yeah, you know, I think it's just a relief as a white person that the guilt goes away. You know, no, you know, anytime you see somebody from another race broke, you know, white people fucking pushed him out.

They put a Walmart down. Right. They put one of those Derrick's in there. They started sucking all the fucking shit out of it. You know, I wonder if people around the world when they watch the beginning of the Beverly Hill, really start crying, you know, when they just see the white man. To first they laugh like, oh my God, it's toothless, broke white people, hilarious. And even they discover oil and they get to keep it. So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly Hills, that is.

I wonder if they cry. When the children cry, you know, nobody gets the movie I was talking about. I kept references. We got problems with the family bag East. Anyways, let's play. Speaking of the children cry. That's white line. Everybody.

When the children cry was actually a hit. That's how fucking off the rails music went at one point. Little child. Try your crying eyes. I was like on the top 10. I remember watching it. I didn't give a fuck about that song, but I was like that lead guitarist of all these fucking guys. Trying to be Eddie Van Halen.

I'm not saying this guy was they're trying to do the shit that Eddie did that fucking guy in white line. He came the closest, you know, out of all the white bands, you know, the white lions, the fucking who else was it was white lion. It was great white. It was white snake. It was hate air whitey. It was a little known all white funk band. Because as people used to yell when they want to say I can't remember how it goes. I don't know.

Anyway, speaking of children crying. My condolences to all the fans of the Washington capitals. And you know what happens when you hit the fucking wall for the third time when you win the president's trophy, you know, under two different presidents. Okay, when Obama brings you to and Donald Trump comes in with his tie hanging all the way down. His tie would still touch the ground even if he was wearing skates. He comes walking into your locker room and he gives you that fucking trophy. Yeah, you're on your second goddamn president. You've left the ugliest uniforms in the history of the fucking game of hockey possibly definitely up there.

Those blue ones with that gold fucking eagle. You know, it just looks like they put a stamp like them. Like the post office had a limited stamp thing, you know, and all those weird fucking smelly people, you know, people don't bathe collect stamps. You know, and I'm not saying that, you know, with all this stuff, like what do you identify with a man or a woman, you know, being a man. I don't I'm a man, but I don't identify. I still don't identify with you. Imagine the fucking emptiness of that. Every day waking up shaving going, what the fuck is this?

I can't relate to this fucking beard on my face, man. You know, when am I tense going to come in? I just I can't imagine that but whatever. There's other people that can't, you know, they don't identify with other human beings. Forget about they don't identify with their own gender. There's another group of people that we all need to care about and wear a certain color on a certain day or maybe a ribbon for. And these are people that can't identify with other people. They just can't identify with human beings in general and these people collect stamps.

You know, they just sit in that room. They're not bothering anybody. Taking that big giant fucking book off that shelf, you know, blowing the dust off it. Because they finally got the Washington capitals fucking horrific Jersey from the mid to early 2000s, whenever they had that. It was that awful period. That's right in the NHL. They added too many fucking teams and everybody changed their uniforms. I should put it all on the capitals.

Washington DC fucking horrific. Thank God they went back to the red, white and blue. You know, I mean, you are there in DC for fuck's sakes. You know, if anybody should have the color of the flag, it should be you guys, you know, the Buffalo Sabres. That fucking IHL horseshit they had, you know, where they put a sheep on the front. They didn't look like a bull anymore. It was terrible. Fucking terrible.

Props to them, by the way, when they finally admitted that they made a fucking mistake. It was such a horrible period. They had that strike that they lost a whole season of the NHL. All right. They added a bunch of fucking teams. Too many goddamn teams. They had the Atlanta Thrasher's. They had the fucking Florida Mollins.

Right. That's right. They played hockey first before they suck so bad. They were like, you know what, let's just fucking play baseball. No, the Florida Panthers, the lightning, the coyotes. I think the North stars moved down to become the stars. At least they kept the kind of they're all right because they kept the same fucking uniform. Then, of course, they knocked down that stadium in Minnesota and they put up the Mall of America there.

That's so sad that, you know, the place where Dino Cicerelli smashed his stick over that fucking guy's head, you can now sit there standing there eating frozen yogurt without a care in the world, you know? Or was that a road game? Anyways. The fuck am I talking about here? That's right. Then you had all these new teams in the NHL and then on top of that, all these teams that have been established all changed their fucking uniforms. So you come back after the strike and you're just watching like, dude, is this the fucking Olympics?

Actually, that's not true because they started doing that in the 90s. Because when the Sabres, the Sabres got fucked in 1999, you know, back when you could even have a fucking shoelace. Tough like fucking shoelace that mozzarella, huh? Who knows that one? There's another obscure. Tough like fucking shoelace that mozzarella. Mozzarella. Whatever the fuck you said.

Mozzarella. Huh? Who knows that one? If you're religious, you might know that. That's a hint. The title has something religious, a religious figure in it. And it's not Jesus Christ Superstar. That's the last hint I'm going to give you.

Yeah, the Sabres got fucking 1999. Was it Bret Hull? Was it fucking Danny Mashburn? I don't know the fuck it was Joe Barry Carroll. Who had their foot in the fucking crease? I can't remember, but the whole year they're calling it until the biggest goal of the year. The one that decides to Stanley Cup classic NHL. Yeah, that new rule that's been fucking everybody all year round.

Yeah, forget it. We've decided to change the rule in overtime in the clinching game of the Stanley Cup. That's how we do it. That's right. That's how we do it. We take breaks every 20 minutes and we have rules and all of a sudden the rules go away. So anyways, my condolences to the city, to the district of Columbia. Capital fans, man.

They fucking did it to you again. You know, and you keep showing up because you're real fans. And you know what's going to suck now? They're going to dismantle the entire fucking team. Hopefully they keep a veteran. You guys are out of your fucking minds if you get rid of him. Are they going to blame it all on him? Did you see that picture of his leg all fucking bruised up?

He looked like somebody tried to get information out of him. He wouldn't give it up, you know, fucking veins sticking out. Oh, my daughter's crying in there. Oh, Jesus Christ. I feel like a bad dad, but he is in there. Okay. He is handling it. Don't worry.

Can you hear that? Yeah. This is the time of night. Like she so like wants to know everything that's going on that she does. She won't nap enough during the day. And by the way, fuck all your suggestions. I don't want to hear a million suggestions. Put one of her shirts in the baths and that we've tried everything.

Okay. It's just, you know, it's a phase she's going through. And I am done listening to fucking people who are not wearing lab coats. If you don't have a lab coat on and you don't have a fucking little degree hanging on a wall behind you, just keep your fucking ideas to yourself. Okay. The level of shit that parents talk, every fucking one of them has a goddamn cure for every fucking thing that happens.

Every one of them just glided through fucking being a parent or figured it all out. And for some stupid reason, they didn't cash in on it and write a book. Why would you do that when you can just show up to somebody's house and vomit all your fucking ideas on them? If any of your people's fucking ideas work, you should put it in a book and go on the Oprah channel. You guys can sit there holding each other's fucking hands and she tells you how amazing you are.

Instead of coming over here, boring me with it. And then I go and try it, you know? Actually, you know what? The shirt one worked. The shirt one did work. I will say that. I shouldn't have fucking said that because a relative suggested to me and it was fucking great.

That's just the first thing that popped in my head. I was actually thinking about somebody else that annoyed this shit out of me with something else trying to feed my kids solid food three months into her life. Oh no, it's fine. It's fine. Oh God, this is the danger of riffing because you end up shitting on the person you're not upset with. Anyways, plowing your head.

Where am I? Oh yeah, the condolences. You know, so I would definitely keep Ovechkin. You got to build around the guy, build around the guy again and you know, get a coach with a neck and you know, maybe he can see if something was off-sides or not and he could throw the flag or whatever you do to challenge it instead of sitting there with his spine fused.

Somebody made the joke said that every coach in the NHL looks like a Bond villain. And it is true. I have, I got to go with that. You know what I mean? Although I would say that Claude Julian, Claude Julian looks like that dude in the swamp thing that when he got turned into a monster became that little guy running around.

It was such a weird fucking movie where I don't even remember the name of the movie. The whole thing about the movie was there was this chick and she had these giant fucking tits and you were just waiting for her to go into the lake so they'd show a little side boob. Now this is the early 80s. That was a big fucking thing when you were like 12 years old.

All right. So the deal with the swamp thing, which is where I got that thing. I had problems with the B&B back east. That's where it's from. It's from the swamp thing. I'm obviously fucking with you. What am I talking about?

Oh yeah, the swamp thing, right? So how that worked, he was, he was, I forget what had, the guy was walking near a swamp, you know, the usual thing. And then a telephone pole falls into the fucking swamp. He gets electrocuted and then he becomes the swamp thing and he's just strong as shit. And then some fucking bad guy. So they figure out how he became the swamp thing.

So then the bad guy wants, he wants a swamp thing of an army, a swamp thing. So whatever, he can take over all the swamps. I don't, I don't remember, right? So this fucking little Weasley dude, he does the same thing. And when he turns into a monster, he says, little ass fucking Weasley monster.

So then the bad guy goes, well, how come he didn't turn into what you are? And it says, well, you know, when you get electrocuted in the swamp and you turn into a swamp thing, it just enhances your personality. All right. So if you're a fucking stud like me,

who even though I look like a swamp thing, I can still bang that big titted whore over there in the lake. If you're a little Weasley cunt, you just become an ugly Weasley cunt with like mud and leaves for skin. There you go, people. And I, you know, I can't think of a bet. Sorry, just blew out your resume.

I can't think of a better time to read a little bit of advertising. What do you say there? What do you say there? What do we got here? Oh, wait, I got to finish. So, you know, one thing I could say to DC fans is when you finally fucking win it,

it makes it all the sweeter. Just going through all of this shit. All right. I watched the Bruins from about 79, 80, and I had to wait till like 2011. So, what's that? 89, 99, 2009. I watched them for about 33 years.

All right. And I know you guys, oh, shut up. Shut up. All right. You got all those monuments you can fucking walk around, can't you? Cheer up, dude.

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Oh, no, I don't. That was the last one. Oh, this is this guy giving me shit about airline bumping. Oh, he fucking went off on me. He fucking put me in his place when he sat down at his goddamn keyboard. I'll get to this in a minute. I will get to this in a minute. I like this guy who gives me shit about the airline bumping.

You know why? Because there's very few people out there that defend the man. All right? Anybody can attack the man. Every once in a while, it takes a fucking... a fucking, I don't know, the internet version of that Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western guy coming to town with his little fucking Mike Tyson's colorful Mike Tyson towel over his fucking head. Right?

That's how broke Mike Tyson was when he first started out. He was like, I want to dress like Clint Eastwood. They said, all right, we'll get you his underwear, his boots, and we'll get that little fucking... that little shawly puts over, but, you know, we can't afford to put any color on it. You know? And that's the kind of thing that leads you to bite somebody's ear off. I'm just saying.

I'm not trying to say that what he did was right, but I'm just saying I understand. Hey, how are you doing up there in Montreal, everybody? Montreal, Canada. How's things going up there? You enjoying the fucking offseason? God knows you're going to have enough time to come and see me in June. This is what I'm loving about the predators, all right? Although they seem like they're losing right now. I'm taping the game, but I'll fuck myself over here and I'll just look it up right now.

Oh, look at that. The little time trial thing. Are you going to fucking load for me? I think the ducks were up five to two or five to three. How fucking weird are these playoffs this year? You know, anyways. Now, you know, I always give you guys shit about the curse of Patrick Waugh. You humiliated that guy.

I mean, what you guys did to him when you watched like horror movies, you know what I mean? When somebody like, you know, thinks they're prom queen and then you dump a bunch of blood on them or they think that they're going to go make a wish and a well and then their mother pushes them to the bottom of it. You know what I mean? They think, you know, that all of that shit, all of that shit, right? Somebody drowns in a fucking lake. You guys did the hockey version of that to Patrick Waugh.

You know, he thought you guys loved him. That's what it was. It was like Carrie. He came out there, you know, has one fucking bad game. You won't pull him. You leave him in there. You fucking do a mock cheer when this guy who redefined the position. First ballot hall of famer continuing the tradition of winning fucking Stanley cups, you know,

and he won it during the real era when there was like 30 fucking teams, 28 teams, not all those cups, the Canadians and Maple Leafs won back in the day when it wasn't even this day. It was like a fucking shot glass. You ever see him skating around with the thing? Looks like a fucking baton. You know, before it became that giant goddamn thing. Um, anyways, they booed him out of town. So ever since then, there's been the curse of Patrick Waugh.

And I think the next fucking part, the next chapter of the curse. Okay. Is P K Subban. You know, you know what they, they ran him out of fucking. He ran that guy out of town. Now this wasn't your fans. I think it was the organization. I also think it's because I'm a Bruins fan.

I just love giving you guys shit. Cause what am I going to do? Talk about championships. You guys are going to destroy me. So this is this little fucking little thorn I can put in the underneath your fucking elephant foot here. All right. What P K was a fucking great dude and he gave too much money to that children's hospital. And he started becoming bigger than the Canadians and the Canadians couldn't fucking handle it.

Like when Kobe couldn't handle Shaq and he said, look, either he goes or I go. And they said, okay, Kobe. And they sent Shaq to Miami and then he won a fucking title there. Right. And then they had to bring Phil Jackson back and another 50,000 fucking free agents. As they always fucking do. You know, I, you know, I just give Kobe shit for the first, the first three rings. Get the fuck out of here.

The last two, I'll give you those, you know, even with the officiating in that second time you played the Celtics. Hey, let's call fucking 38 files on one team and 17 on the other. That's, that makes for a good game seven. Doesn't it? Not saying that we would have won, but it would have been nice to see the Lakers beat the Celtics that year. Just saying. Um, anyways, plowing ahead. So now the predators erupt one to nothing against the fucking Emilio Estevez is the shins.

Whatever the fuck you call them down there, the mighty, the mighty shins, the Anaheim Estevez is the mighty ducks. I don't like the ducks. Don't give a fuck. I just don't like them. Okay. I don't like the Honda center. Okay. I, I, you go there.

There's no fucking vibe. There's no vibe in Anaheim. It's just a fucking, it's just, I don't know what it is. It's just a strange goddamn place. Anaheim is fucking weird. This whole fucking LA area is weird. Like people weren't supposed to live here. You know what I mean?

They weren't supposed to fucking live here. They weren't supposed to fucking live here. It's a fucking desert. We still water it. The whole, the whole thing's weird, but at least, you know, this, this cool shit to look at. You know, except when you go to Anaheim, I don't know what you look at. All right. And you go down there.

There's no fucking vibe. Maybe it's better. I went to a ducks game in the late nineties. They were still early. Right. They were still the mighty ducks. They still had Donald Duck with the broken bill in the front. Isn't that what they had for their logo?

I don't know. So anyways, what if, what if, what if PK leads the Nashville predators to a Stanley Cup championship this year? I'm just throwing that out there for everybody up there in St. Catherine Street, you know, with your cute little pocket squares that matches the color of your socks. You know, what the fuck are you going to do then? Nashville, that banjo playing fucking washboard down by the fucking river. You ever been to Nashville? I mean, half the structures there still have dirt floors.

It's unfucking. It's, it's ridiculous. You know, like when they went this day, when they went to Nashville this year and they were like, you know, who you voting for, for, for president? They were like, I'll tell you one thing. I ain't vote for Lincoln. He wants to free the slaves. That's how backward Nashville is. You know, I know there's all this shit out there saying it's this growing city, you know, and they're trying to get people to move there.

The reason why they're trying to do that is because so many of the structures still have dirt floors. Okay, now if he can go down there, all right, and, and, and fucking lead them to the Stanley Cup, the big boy Stanley Cup, not that little shot glass that you wouldn't want that you wouldn't fucking Toronto one like fucking 15 times each, you know, I'll give the Canadians their last 10 cups. But I look at him like, I can't even say they're equal to Detroit because Detroit was back then when it was a shot glass, you know, sort of a fancy shot glass. Anyways, I'm just fucking with you. I have no idea how the fucking predators were in the finals, the Western Conference finals with the ducks and then the Ottawa senators. What the fuck is going on with that?

When is when is the glass slipper going to turn back into a fucking pumpkin? I'm telling you, if Ottawa goes any deeper into the playoffs, they're actually going to sell out a home game. This is unbelievable. Did you see the first game of the Rangers? They had 2000 of the Rangers series. They had 2000 empty seats. That's because they stopped playing the Bruins. You know what I mean?

And the Bruins were just close enough to Ottawa that that shuttle flight wasn't it wasn't too expensive. You know, then they played the Rangers and God knows Rangers fans. All those fucking Manhattan cunts. They got the money to fly up to Ottawa, but they're New Yorkers. Do what? Why would I? They got Boar's head. They got a slice of cheese.

Why would I travel? Look over there. It's the Empire State Building. Oh, that's what New Yorkers are. They they're they're fucking they're like country people. You don't have to be lonely fucking skanks in the fucking five boroughs. I am in an extra country mood and I am just trashing people that I have no right to trash. Okay, my team is not in the playoffs.

Okay, my team is not one as many championships as the fucking Canadians. My city doesn't have as many skyscrapers as New York City. Hey, don't fuck with my shitty. You just fuck with the wrong city. I had problems with the family back east. If you touch my family, I'll fucking kill you. Those lines will never get old in Hollywood. You know, it's another fucking hacky thing.

I'm so sick of every other fucking show doing the speed dating fucking scene. How many times can you do that and one fucking lunatic after? I mean, it's it's not that bad. Jesus fucking Christ, people showing up with like half an axe in their side of their head. People living with their mother, the person who's actually gay, pretending to be straight, the fucking site. I mean, Eddie Murphy did this shit fucking and coming to America in 1989. Jesus Christ, why don't you just have somebody come in and slip on a banana peel and then get a pie in their face and then do the dating thing. Hey, Bill, if you're so talented, why don't you come up with something new because I'm limited.

All right, I never said I fucking I would reinvent something. Unfortunately, I have to take a little bit of break and I'm on a nice little roll here. I'm on a nice little roll here, but I have a I got something I got to take care of, which is why I'm doing this at nine o'clock on a Sunday. You know, but why do I need to tell you guys because this is only going to be a fucking second of your life. All right, hang on, hang on a moment. Okay, I'm back. I'm back and I am as illiterate as ever. All right, you want to listen to somebody just fucking tearing me a new one here.

So I was talking about fucking United Airlines and Delta and them just yanking people off of flights and like what happened to customer service. And all of this type of, you know, I felt guilty flying united the way they just dragged that Chinese dude off the plane or the two going to China. Just assuming he was Chinese Asian. You can give me that, right? Who knows? Who knows? I'm so fucking hard. I don't know. You know, fucking fucking anyways, airline bumping. He said, he says, Hey, you uninformed cunt. And I'll tell you, nothing makes the reader want to read more when you just start off with the insults.

He said, Congress and the passengers bill of rights have led to more passengers getting bumped due to more cancellations. And do you think he gives any examples? No, he just moves on to his next point. Also, if people showed up for the flights they booked, the airlines wouldn't be overbooked. Many passengers book multiple flights. So you're just assuming that the guys that they're yanking off the flights, did those people? I don't do that. I buy one fucking ticket and I show up. That's how I do it.

So you're telling me that that Chinese dude or that other fucking person on Delta, you're telling me that those are those people. So they said, Hey, you booked like 20 flights. You only showed up for one. Hey, get out of that. Fuck. I said, get out of there. You're telling me that's what happened? Or are you telling me that because other people do that? Because the guilty people did it, that United and Delta is now just going to grab some random innocent person and throw him off the fucking flight. I heard the reason why they did it was because they had another plane that they had to get a flight crew to and they just fucking yanked the guy off. That has nothing to do with that other shit. As far as I know, but I hate what am I? I'm just an uninformed cunt.

Evidently you who just like me just make statements with no fucking evidence behind it. All right, plowing ahead. He goes, how about if I buy a ticket for a flight and miss it for whatever reason? You lose it? Question mark. Is that how you run your shows? Was that a point? How about if I buy a ticket for a flight and miss it for whatever reason, comma, you lose it? Oh, how about if you, I don't have a problem with that.

I don't have a fucking problem with that at all. I'm on the same page. I hate when I show up on time for the security line and somebody else shows up super late and then they get rewarded and get breezed through the fucking line like they're in that tea, like they're part of the TSA party. They are the pre-check people. All this other shit that has nothing to do with a fucking just somebody who bought a ticket and sits on the plane. I drive a car. Other people steal cars. Should I be yanked out of my fucking car because other people are stealing cars? This makes no sense. I might be an uninformed cunt, but you are a pompous, arrogant uninformed cunt.

I could say that because I'm in show business and you know we're all down to earth. Let me read some more of your air quote points. All right. Is that how you run your shows? No, I don't run my shows like that. You know, this is my fuck. This is how I run my fucking show. I don't have anybody kicked out ever. You can be the biggest cunt ever. I kicked the first fucking person out in 10 years because he was so fucking drunk. I'm a hell of a guy. I don't give a fuck. How dare you lump me in with United Airlines in Delta?

You hateful so and so. Let me at least finish this point here. Is that how you run your shows? Or if someone buys a ticket to your show and misses it due to traffic, leaving the house late, etc. Do you honor their ticket to the next show? I will tell you this. I've had plenty of people fucking reach out to me and I have hooked plenty of people up with tickets. Okay. How about that? Has everyone reached out to me? Have I seen every fucking email? No, but I hook people up. I've run into fucking people walking down the street

driving by in a car going, oh fuck, I didn't know you were done. Hey, can I go to the show? I'm like, it's all sold out. I go fuck it. What's your name? I've done that countless times. So there you go, sir. I don't know what you're talking about. So the equipment to that is I fucking pull up and stand outside the gates of the airport. Hey, you guys flying to Minneapolis? Yes, sir, we are. Can I buy a ticket? Sorry, it's all sold out. Oh, don't worry about it. Don't worry. We'll get you on the plane

and then they fucking yank someone. They yank somebody off. I don't know. Why'd they pick the Asian guy? Huh? Why couldn't they pick some fucking white dude in the suit? You know why, you know why. Alright, uh, leaving the house late and they, okay, well, that is what the airlines do if you miss a flight. They put you on another one. So fuck off you non-reading pigment impaired cunt. That's not what they do. That's what they do sometimes.

Other times they yank you off the plane. Other times they tell you to go fuck yourself. Other times they say, Hey, you have 200,000 miles. You can't use them when you want to use them. And if you don't use them by next Wednesday, we're taking them all back. Other times they say, Hey, we're just charging extra because it's post 9 11. We lost all this money. We're just charging for food, but eventually we'll fucking stop overcharging. We'll stop charging for this shit for all the money that we lost in 9 11, which, you know, we're

now going to pass on to our fucking customers. So they take the hit. When was fucking 9 11? I know I'm an uninformed cunt. As far as my calculation, we're coming up on the 16th anniversary this September. You're still paying for Pringles, aren't you? Sir, I'm all for defending the fucking man when it's when it's four. I mean, I don't know what you just fucking you just brought up a bunch of, I guess, behavior by frequent flyer people. So then evidently I should get yanked off a plane at some point

because other people overbooking shit. You know what you're the kind of person that probably likes that, that what they call it the trap ride or the trick car, whatever that fucking show is. You probably like that show. You probably think that that's a good fucking show, right? That show. I can't even believe that fucking show is on television for the it's on true TV who should change their name to fucking horrific TV. They fucking they drive down to like the fucking projects and they they leave a car with the door open

keys in it running and then they wait for someone to fucking steal it and then they act like they got a bad guy off the fucking street and I was reading comments underneath the, you know, I love that they're going to go out of their fucking way to go down there and try to get someone to go to jail. Why don't you go down there and try to help somebody out? I saw one guy, he actually stole the fucking car. He knew it was the trap car or whatever. He's driving with the door open because he knows that they just fucking hit the lock so he can't get out and he's saying he knows it's the trap car.

He's waving to the camera and all that. They asked if you knew it was the trap car. Why did you do it? He said, I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to get on TV and then he laughed and everybody's like, that guy's crazy. I want to party with that guy. That guy's a dope or anything. It was it was to me, it was fucking depressing. Like that's the level of options this guy has in his fucking life that he would do something like that and somebody else brought up a great point. Like, why don't they take that car around the fucking suburbs to the white cul-de-sacs? Why don't they do that? And everybody's like, simple because white kids don't steal cars. The fuck they don't.

They absolutely do. And I'll tell you, there's a point in my fucking life I would have done that. I absolutely would have done that just for the stupid fucking just to have the story so I could talk about it loudly around chicks that I liked because I didn't know any other way to approach them. If they ever did that in a fucking suburb in a bunch of white kids started going to jail over that shit, that shit would not have, there would be entrapment. It wouldn't be held up in court and the fucking show would be shut down. All I'm saying, okay, you, sir, you probably like that type of shit. You probably like that show and you think that's a

good show and hey, let's, let's, you know, rather than giving this guy an opportunity, you know, they could just as easily couldn't true TV have a fucking show where they go down there and they try to give somebody a fucking job. You know, I don't know. Anyways, making your own baby food. had my first kid a couple years ago. Congratulations. A friend suggested we make our own baby food because it's easier to get them to transition to real and healthy foods. We tried it and

it was fun. Friend suggested we make our own baby food because it's easier to get them to transition. Okay, all right, we couldn't do it. There's another fucking guy, no lab coat, no degree. We couldn't do it a hundred percent of the time, but it was totally worth it. My kid isn't that picky of an eater and I like to think think that days of pulverizing fruits, vegetables and oats into tasty meals. Oh, it's because of that. I'm sure you can afford the good stuff for the little lady, but just thought I'd throw it out there. Thanks to go fuck yourself yet. I don't know, dude.

I don't know what to tell you. I'll cross that fucking road when I get everybody's always like, you know, got all these goddamn suggestions. It was somebody fucking, you know, everybody talking about like private schools versus public schools. It's like these fucking kids. They don't even get to meet kids anymore. They should be out fucking, you know, this whole fucking thing that, you know, from day one, like you just got to be like you've seen what it does in these countries that fucking push their kids too hard. They

have like ulcerated fucking bottles. Like they've been working on fucking Wall Street for 60 goddamn years and they're like seven. The level of stress that they put on them. Fuck that. My kid's going to be a goddamn kid. All right. I fucked everything fucking in high school. I fucked up everything. I got a rest of a drink and driving. I was unloading trucks. I did all of this shit. And then one day I just figured out what the fuck do I what do I want to do? You know, I found a passion and I followed it and I was fine. And I remember back in the day, they used to fuck out. You need two years of a language.

If you don't have two years of a fucking language, you can't. It's all fucking bull. You know, I used to say that the fucking language teacher. Fuck everybody. Fuck everybody. Let your kid be a goddamn kid. And fuck all these fucking private schools within nine zillion dollar fucking, you know, oh, you better get in when the kids are just playing with blocks. The earlier you get in, the better chance you have for your kid to continue on. In other words, start fucking lining our pockets now. Yeah. Why don't you just have, I don't know,

wouldn't it be cheaper to just have your kid homeschooled? You're going to drop all that fucking cash like he's already going to Yale. And they're fucking going to school and they're going the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and that'll be enough. Yeah. The credit card didn't work. Yeah. I can't teach you the rest of the song. All right. Birthday boat party. Hey, Bill, you bald headed eagle. Jesus, going fucking old school on that one. Hey, you chiseler. Hey,

you sidewinder. Recently, my girlfriend dumped me over a text message. I swear to God, if that existed back in the day, I would, I would fucking be lighting phones up. If that wasn't bad enough, I got the text just as I was walking into a movie with a buddy. She told me straight that she didn't love me anymore. I took her like a man, watched the movie, went home and cried like a bitch. Honest guy. Two days later, I went to a party on a boat. I spotted

my now X. We made eye contact and she looked away. So now I'm trapped on a boat for four hours. You didn't know that she was going to be there with a bunch of drunk cunts. I don't want to be around and of course her. I made an attempt to ask her why the fuck she didn't have the balls to dump me face to face, but she ignored me totally. Ah, she's young and immature. I then saw her walk over to a guy and start kissing him. Jesus Christ. I commend you, sir, for not throwing yourself and them also overboard. A fucking double murder

slash suicide. Bill, I have no fucking idea. I didn't punch this cunt, but I decided not to. I now wish I had punched his stupid fucking face and my question is what should I have? Should I have done something? Fuck no. Why are you punching him? He's doing what he's supposed to be doing. He's supposed to be out there trying to fucking hook up with women. All right. Any bad feelings you have should be towards her, but here's the thing, dude. You know, in the long run, she did your favor because she didn't love you. Okay. And eventually

she could have done that while you had two kids with her and you actually had to pay her fucking money. She did you a favor. All right. Yeah, don't ever do that. That's the dumbest shit ever. When people fucking date somebody and then they get dumped and then they're fucking dating somebody else, I mean, and then you go over and you confront the other fucking party, they they're outside the circle, you know? So what should you have done? You should just been a fucking gentleman. That's what you should have done. You just be a fucking

gentleman. Just be like, Hey, you know, evidently, you know, she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I mean, dude, I know, listen, I got dumped. I know how fucking hard this is. I'm on time. I actually fucking was talking to somebody hard on the table. This woman dumped me out of fucking nowhere and I'm in a bar, of course, and I'm talking to a buddy of mine and the problem was he got dumped like four years earlier and he still wasn't over it and he fucking hated women. So this is who I'm pouring my heart out to and

I was like, you know, I mean, I thought everything was going fine. What the fuck? And I did all that shit and he just goes, Hey, you know, I don't know. Maybe she wanted to fuck somebody else. And I just said, You know what? I said, You know what? Fuck you. I actually flipped out. I was like, Fuck you. You that has nothing to fucking do with this. That has to do with that fucking shit that fucking you dated four fucking years ago. You're still not over and I've been having a fucking carry you off the field like Kellen Winslow after that fucking overtime game for every fucking bar for the last four years. You can't sit there. He's like, dude, I'm sorry.

I go fuck off. I just brought up a bad memory. Actually, did I say that? That's probably what I said on the way home. I think I said that on the way home. I think I just said fuck you when I walked out of the bar. That's right. That's what happened. That's how old I am. I'm so old my memory is the fantasy. My memory is what I should have said. I did say fuck you and I walked down. He's like, Oh, no, I just fucking walked out. One of the few times I didn't pay for my round of beers. I was just like, Fuck you. Walked out.

Anyways, he said, Hope you're well. Thanks and go fuck yourself, dude. You took it like a man. What are you going to do? You know, keep taking it like a man and keep going home in private and cry it out of it. That's what women do. Fucking, they cry it out of them and then they can move on. The fact that she dumped you and then of course it was immediately making out with this guy is really suspect, but you never know with them. You never know that could have just she could have just picked that guy

because you were there. You have no fucking idea. And here's the thing, dude, even if she was already banging that fucking douche while making out with that douche when she was with you, then that's the time that's who you were with. So good fucking riddance. That's what you had. You thought you drafted somebody in the first round that didn't fucking work out. And you know what, that guy just picked up her contract for you. So now you got all this cap space. Go cry her out of your fucking heart, but don't

go around hating women. That's what I did. Big fucking mistake. All that does is stop you from eating the fucking sweetheart because you know who loves an angry woman, hater, a fucking psycho chick. All right. There you go. All right, Russian girlfriend. Hey, Billy Blueballs. Hey man, I was, hey man, I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I'm a 27 year old from New Zealand and current resident and current. Oh Jesus. And current currently residing is what you should have said instead of current residing

here, current resident here, current residing here. Okay. I've met and recently started dating a girl from Russia. We've been officially dating for about five months now. Everything is going great. Never been happier. Hey, if she ever asked you to take a boat ride, don't get on the fucking boat. All right. And I'm not talking about because of the last thing. All right. This one you show up. There's a couple other shifty guys there and then your identity gets stolen and we never see you again. All right. She's hot. Best in bed I've ever had and I've had a lot. Ha ha.

Got a great personality and someone I could see going further into the future with. Okay. Well, you're writing me so I know the other shoe is going to drop. The only issue is that her visa is about to run out in a few months. Oh, before she moves back unless we can, she can find a decent job here. The only issue with that is the job market over here for the type of work she is after is very small. A translator.

We've been checking the job sites and whatnot over the past month with not much luck. So I've put up the idea of maybe heading over to Russia and try to start a life over there. Oh no, fuck no. But that's a great way to see if she's with you because she wants to be with you though. My qualification could take me anywhere in the world, but I'm still skeptical on well, should I just uplift my whole life and move to a country that doesn't really speak much English apparently

with my girlfriend that I've only known for a few months plus not knowing much Russian. Yeah, plus you don't know how that country fucking works. All right. You have no idea how that fucking country works, dude. You're talking like you're dealing with the fucking mob. Hang on one second. Sorry, I just realized I double booked myself. I had to fucking figure something out. Yeah, dude, you have no idea like what's going on over there. Like that's a whole different

fucking animal over there. That's a whole different government. The level of influence that the mob has. I mean, that shit is fucking hardcore over there. Russia is no joke. What the fuck did you say you were coming from? You're going from New Zealand to Russia. You're getting the garden eaten. Fuck that, dude. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Get her a job interview. They'll see how beautiful she is and, you know, do what you can fucking do. Dude, fuck that. Fuck

that. Repeat. Fuck that. I'm not even reading the rest of this. Fuck that. Do not move from fucking New Zealand to Russia. Jesus fucking Christ. Do not do that. Please don't do that. Okay. I never beg in the podcast, but I'm begging you right now. Do not fucking do that. Jesus, you're gonna go from the fucking garden of Eden to the now you're the immigrant. Now she's trying to get you a fucking job. You know, what kind of money are you

gonna make over there? I got no fucking idea. Fuck that. All right. Soccer coach rips off shirt after rejection. Hey, Billy Dadsack. Oh, that was as original as Billy Bald Eagle was not. All right. Saw this video and thought it might interest you. During a recent soccer game, an Argentinian player accidentally knocks a player out from the other team and ends up getting ejected from the game as a result. After he gets

ejected, the coach freaks out. Yeah, I watched the clip starts yelling at the refs, then he gets ejected. So when he realizes that he's also ejected, he rips his shirt off only to reveal and he's an older guy too. You know, I don't know. I can't tell the older guys somewhere between 40 and 50 rips his shirt off only to reveal that not only is this dude fucking shredded, but also his whole back is covered in tattoos, making him look like he spends his free time going to bare knuckle brawling down by the shipyard.

Thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I watched the clip of this. This guy looks like this guy looks like he's done some time in prison. What's amazing is the rest of his body that you can see he has no tattoos and then on the back it's just like I don't know what the fuck he's got going on, but his entire back is covered. And it's all of those, you know, you know, if you touch my family, I will fucking kill you. It's those kinds of tattoos. It's not the I was in a frat and I got drunk one night

and all right, this is my old girlfriend's name and we fucking turned into a swan or whatever the fuck they do. This is like hardcore. You know, this guy's going to punch you in the throat. It's a great clip. I really appreciate it. All right, let me make sure I did everything here. Russian girlfriend. Do not stay in New Zealand. Birthday boat party. Yep. You got a lot of cap space. Good for you. Making your own baby food. You know, I'll see about that airline bumping. Hey, agree to disagree, but I like the fact that you went out there and

stuck up for the airlines. And I think that's it. He's read all the things, right? Oh, I didn't talk about the F1 race motherfucker. Did you guys watch it? Have I got, I know, I know after Nia's just absolutely eviscerated watching racing. I hope you, if you were going to watch a race, the Spanish Grand Prix was a great one. Lewis Hamilton had the pole Sebastian Vettel. I think was yeah, it was in the second position and then Boris Karloff, whoever if I can't keep forgetting his name, fucking Lewis Hamilton's

driving mate there. His fucking car caught on fire. But the first guy, the other guy who drives for Ferrari, whatever fucking his whatever his name is, Ricky Ricardo. I can't remember. No, Daniel Ricardo drives for Force India. No, he doesn't. He drives for Red Bull. Why don't I just fucking go on and look up the goddamn names because most of you guys don't watch this shit. So you don't, you don't know what you guys know as much as I fucking know. So here's what happened. All right. The race starts and

what's his face? Lewis Hamilton as always gets a bad fucking start. Sebastian Vettel goes around him. Vettel drives the Ferraris. Lewis Hamilton's with Mercedes. Vettel is out in front. I don't know how many fucking points he was ahead. He was like 15 points ahead of some shit. And in the old days, last year when I was watching for a year, the old days, which is Monaco of last year when I started watching, if you were, if you went to the turn first, got through the first turn first in first place, drove in the

clean air that was it. You won the fucking race unless you messed up a pit stop or you your car shit the bed. So he gets out in front and then his buddy there, the other Ferrari guy gets knocked out of the race. Okay. And they fucking, they cut to this kid in the stands wearing this Ferrari thing. Where are the drivers? Why is it so difficult drivers? Here we go. Here we go. I should have had this all ready to go. I'm sorry. I'm like slowing this the fuck down.

The rakin' in guy gets knocked right out of the race. And this little fucking kid, they cut to him. He's wearing all Ferrari gear and he's just crying his eyes out. And they're sitting there going, well, like Vettel's still in first place. Well, he must have been a big rakin' in fan however the fuck you say his name. And they showed him twice, bawling his eyes out. I couldn't believe the kid this little was that into racing. I thought it was really cool. And later on, the driver got knocked out of the race for Ferrari. They actually, they brought the kid in and he took a picture with them and everything.

So it ended up being a good deal. Although he probably cried again when Lewis Hamilton went around him. But anyways, it was a great race from front to back. These new fucking tires, I guess. I have no idea why. They got more grip. There's more passing. Lewis Hamilton passed Sebastian Vettel, I think on like lap, like it's like 20 laps to go, which never happened last year. The second place guy just could never get around the first place guy once he was out there.

I don't know. It was a great race. And then Lewis Hamilton for some reason was like fucking out of breath when he was talking because they were saying, because they got the fatter tires, they could pull more Gs and like just physically what the fuck they were going through. And Lewis Hamilton didn't have any drinks on board. I didn't know they had drinks on board. I had never even dawned on me, but he didn't want to add any more weight to his car. So he lost like four and a half pounds. So there you go. You know, that actually, you know, this people out here in Hollywood that have enough money now that the day before they have to go to like a red carpet event,

they're going to fucking, you know, drive around in a fucking race car for three hours so they can drop that final fucking four and a half pounds. I'm telling you, it's going to happen. So I believe the next race is in Monaco. I don't know. I'm enjoying watching it. Nia's got me all self conscious about talking about it now. I'm going to blame her. Then I wasn't prepared to talk about it. Was there anything else on my little list here? So you nerds always wanted to, you riffed the whole thing pretty much, pretty much, but I make like a set list

of shit I want to talk to if I can fucking find it. What the hell is it? I give up. I fucking give up with this shit. What did I have on here? I don't know what that is. We'll close this window. This is the most anticlimactic ending to a podcast ever. All right. I said predators, Lewis Hamilton, Sebastian Vell, Daniel Ricardo. First time he was on a podium this year. Oh, it had to give a shout out to Force India still rocking the fuchsia, whatever color that is.

I think that was it. Oh, happy Mother's Day. Belated Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Had a great time. Went to brunch. Yep. That's where I am right now. Went to brunch. My parents came out and met their granddaughter. They were over the over the moon loving her. She was so cute and was just didn't cry at all the whole meal. And then she got in the car and then that was it. She had frigging had it and was just crying up a storm and but it was it. We ended up having a great day and it came home and I was like,

it was crazy. You know, I've just finally entered this part of my life. My parents are older. I got a little one. I'm at brunch and I have no say in the matter. You know what? It feels good. I had a great time. You know, we had all kinds of family and a big crew seven or eight people and we went to this fucking insane brunch and everybody threw down and had like 3000 calories each. Great conversation. Great people. It's just it was awesome. All kinds of pictures and that type of

shit. And other than the fact I forgot my fucking wallet because I decided to wear a suit and I was going to be the big shot picking up the fucking check and I had to go to my parents. So now now you know when a few days when I take up to the airport I got to give them the fucking money back but oh god it was embarrassing. Really embarrassing. So anyways that was my mother's day. Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on Thursday and let's go Predators and I don't know. I mean I got a bunch of friends

you know what in Pittsburgh I'm just rooting for X to hockey at this point I hope both series go seven games. I don't want to be this little fucking cunty gargoyle shitting on the ducks. I don't want to fucking do that. You know, why do I got to bring up the Predators success and then shit on Canadians fans you know all their pocket squares are all soaking wet from them blowing their noses and crying about losing to the Rangers. I don't need to do that. Not to mention I have no bragging rights. My team got fucking bounced out. You know I'm going to try to be, I'm going to try to go cuntless

for the rest of the Stanley Cup playoffs. How about that? Celtics first the whiz. He's on down. He's on down the road tomorrow. My brain says it could go either way but my heart says there's no fucking way. There's no way they come in to the garden even though it's not the garden. It's the fleets at the garden fucking slash whatever fucking gossip junior whatever other fucking tags they have for that thing and I just don't see them do it. I feel like

you know what it is the Celtics they got that sound in their crowd the same way the Yankee old Yankee stadium had it. Knowledgeable fans with a history of success and they that can push your team to fucking win I think they're going to do it. Oh by the way Derek Jeter huh I missed it I was at brunch I missed it but that's what a fucking class act man. He's such a class act he can go into New York and wing a speech and still kill it um that's it man they're out of

single numbers. See if I can do it. Billy Martin number one number two Derek Jeter number three Babe Ruth number four I always fucked this up that's Garrett five is DiMaggio and six I looked up today because that's the one I always forgot but they said it was Joe Tori but I thought somebody else had six uh seven's Mickey Mantle number eight is fucking Yogi Barron somebody else nine is Roger Maris ten is Chris Shambless

eleven is Gary Sheffield I don't know the rest of them Thurman Munson's 15 who else do I remember Reggie Jackson they had to retire that was 44 uh Bo Diaz what number did he what are you at 30 I don't fucking know alright that's it that's the podcast I will uh I will check in on you Thursday and uh god bless all the mothers out there we'll work with the family back east

alright I'm done