Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-16

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

Bill rambles about his dream garage, writer's block and revenge.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday May 16th 2016. How's it going? How are you? How's your life? Are you liking your life? Are you enjoying your life? Do you hate your life? Would you like to make a change? Well fortunately there's a solution with my new 7 part 8 track tapes. I'll help you turn around your life by making me a rich motherfucker. First thing you do. Anyways, I am in a great fucking mood. It's actually Sunday when I'm recording this. It's Sunday and I got the fucking juices flowing baby! Juices are flowing. Blood is flying through my system right now. Heart rate is fucking wonderful. You know why? Because I worked out the last two fucking days in a row in my brand new garage fucking gym, gym, gym, gym. My new fucking gym. It's finally done. I went back and I picked up my truck, my old fucking Ford truck that I had in storage while they finished it. They did a phenomenal fucking job. I outfitted the whole thing with a bunch of rogue fitness shit and I never fucking show you my house. I might have to make a video. I might have to show you. It's a little fucking gym. It's a little cute gym. I'll give you a little before and after. You know, I might even wear my leg warmers for you. I'll give you a quick fucking 2 second tour of the goddamn thing.

I got my atomic holds up top and I gotta tell you, old freckles. Old freckles lost a lot of what little he had. Holy shit. I went onto the pegboard. I felt like, you know, the first time you ever try to do a pull-up in your life, it's like you were born without those muscles because you never use them. You know what I mean? It's not like you go, oh, what's on top of the fridge? You know, what do you do? You jump up and down. You use your calves. You don't grab the top of it and fucking pull yourself up. You little stupid feet squeaking on the front of the fucking, as you try to go up, which is cheating, by the way. And if you ever made a video of it and you put it on YouTube, I'm sure there would be hundreds of thousands of comments saying that it was an epic fail refrigerator pull-up. Because people like when you fail. You know why? Because they don't like themselves. Anyways, so it's done and I'm so fucking psyched. Of course, there's a few little doodads we gotta do. Nia wants an elliptical in there, you know, which is fucking hilarious to me because she could give her rats fucking ass about this gym until it started coming together. And now she loves it, you know, but what's great is it's the garage and everybody knows that the woman, the wife, the fucking, the fucking lady over there.

Everybody knows that they get the house, but the guy gets the garage and see the women think that they win because they got the fucking house, right? You don't want the house. The house is where all the responsibility is. The house is where the bills come to. The house is where the fucking people knock on the door and the cops come. When they go to the fucking house, nobody, nobody goes to the garage. The garage is fucking, it's genius. You know, you act like it's a shit hole, blah, blah, blah, we'll go up to the garage. They're like, yeah, yeah, get out of the house. They don't give a fuck. You go into the garage, that's it. Yeah, she's got no fucking idea. You wait till I get one of those little fucking Kegorators out there. We doing keg stands as I do curls, right? Taking in calories as I burn them off at the same time while getting shitfaced. It's this new exercise video that I'm going to be putting out, you know, I don't know what I would call it. You need alliteration, right? Drunk dips or some shit like that, right? Just to get people to buy it. Alcoholic aerobics, that's too wordy. Not too wordy, too syllabally. I don't know, whatever, I'll brainstorm on it, you know. All you got to do is just have a fucking headband on and people will buy the video.

If you promise them you're going to help them out, right? You have a fucking headband on. They spray a little fake sweat on you and then, you know, all you got to get is a couple of hotties behind you just smiling and shit, right? At the very least, somebody can jerk off to it, right? The next thing you know, they start flying off the fucking shelves and then what do you do? You add on to the garage. You add on to the garage. I've told you guys forever. My dream fucking house. My dream house. I don't even know what the house looks like. I just know what the garage looks like. The garage, don't you see, as my dad loved to say, the garage, don't you see, would be a three car garage, right? One for me, one for her, and the other for whatever my old fucking truck, right? And then upstairs. All that being upstairs. The upstairs would have a gym and have a drum room and a fucking cigar bar slash fucking sports bar. That's what it would be, okay? One door in, one door out, maybe a fucking little ladder to go up under the roof to bother you, right?

And that's, I think if every fucking guy had that, there's no fucking way you couldn't be a happily married man because you just could be in the house. You got your kids running around. Everybody's freaking the fuck out. I need a break. I want to be fucking single, you know, without the who is. I just want to fucking just sit and drink without you fucking people in my, what's left of my hair. That's where the upstairs comes in. And then you just go up there. You have a great time while you slowly kill yourself, you know? And then with every cigar, your smoke, and every drink you have, you know that you're one step closer to death, which is a great thing because it's a release, you know? I don't know. It started off happy. It got a little dark there towards you. You wouldn't know that I'm a happily married man by saying all that stuff. But I also am, by nature, I am a fucking loner. And, you know, I just, you know, I just need to get away from people every once in a while. And I'll do that would be the fucking shit, you know, have a couple of cool fucking dogs, those dogs that fucking lay around and like the howl, you know, like a fucking bloodhound, right?

Just sit there watching the game, getting hammered, you know, soundproof walls. You can't hear your family. You're just sitting in there. Every once in a while, you look over your fucking bloodhound. Hey, Rusty, Rusty, woo, the dog would join with you. Yeah, you fucking get it. You fucking get it, right? I hope you enjoyed that because that fantasy, oh man, that's it right there, you know? I don't know what it is. Some people want the White House, some people want a fucking Oscar, and then some people just would like to be able to get a tan and have a two-story fucking garage. That's it, you know? I'm part of that third group. Part of the third group, everybody. So anyways, I fucking went down there, used all that rogue fitness shit that I bought. And like I said, you know, these guys are not paying me or anything like that. They actually sent me those colorful weights.

Now I don't know what the fuck to do with them because I have more weight than I need. So I got some stand-up shows coming up in the LA area if you're building a fucking gym, you know? And, oh, how do I make this a fair contest? I don't fucking know. If you're building a gym and you listen to the podcast and you want some colorful plates, some weights, I got them because I was going to take it over to play it again, Sam's are playing in sports, whatever the fuck they are, but they're just so goddamn insulting, you know what I mean? If you think that bald-headed cunt on the pawn shop show, how we just fucking, you go in there, no matter, you got a bar of gold and the guy's like, yeah, you know, how much you want for this?

You're like, well, the market value is fucking whatever, you know, fucking $1200 an ounce. Why don't you give me a thousand an ounce? And he's like, so what do you really want for it? Whatever, I want to fucking smash it over. Oh, fuck yourself. Like, what a fucking business. People coming in selling their old fucking hairdryers, you know, their ass out, right? And you got to fucking take as much out of their crack as you can.

I get it. You know what? It's a business. I'm going too hard on that guy. God bless him. God bless him. All right? So playing against sports is the same fucking way. You'll come in with something with the price tag still on it. Yeah, I'll give you like $1.50. You know what I mean? It's just like, I mean, they make Richard Rollins look like a saint. I mean, these fucking guys bust you down so bad.

It's like, whatever you're selling them is like, how about I give it to you for free, but I get to hit you over the head with it first. How about that? Don't give me any fucking money. How about I just mush it right in your fucking, I'm not doing that. So I would rather give it to a podcast listener for free, but I'm not shipping these fucking things. It's like, I don't know what it is. I think it's two 45 pound plates, two 35s. I don't know what it is. They're fucking big and they're heavy.

That's all I know. Whatever. They're free, free weights. So anyways, I went down there yesterday. I did fucking chest and tries today. I did the upper body stuff, all the body weight shit. Nia wanted this speed bag, which I thought was a little fucking stupid. You know what I mean? I always hated the speed bag unless you really train for a fight.

You know what I mean? Then you go to your fucking cubicle. It seems silly. It just seemed fucking disrespectful to people who actually fight for a fucking living. Like the level of respect that I have for people that do that for a fucking living, just the fucking courage it takes to do that. But of course, now it's up there and I'm down there. So now, of course, now I'm going to get fucking obsessed with that shit.

I don't know what it's going to do for me. I'm hoping it's going to bring my freckles out, you know? Anyway, speaking of fights, did anybody watch UFC? UFC fighting out of the red corner. Did anybody see the UFC 168? It was basically, I think the USA or the world versus Brazil. And I think Brazil once again proved that they are, you know, if you want to fucking get into a fight slash be in the missionary position with another person,

if you think you're coming out on top, it ain't happening. They pretty much dominated the fucking night, except for this one guy. And I'm not going to know the names. And I actually tweeted the guy. I'm still not going to remember his name. He has a very fucking unique name and was fucking, he's fighting this guy. And this guy's making all these silly faces when he's going and they're going like the Brazilian dude. I guess he was a champion or he is a champion. That's right. He's a champion and then he fucking, Jesus Christ.

I was having a few when I was watching this. He fucking, he was fucking, he was a champion and he was supposed to fight. He got hurt. So he wanted to make sure he's 100%. So he's coming down. He's making all these silly faces and shit. And I just remember the announcers going like, look it up. It wasn't like the biggest fight he's had in three years and he's making faces at the camera. He's not even nervous. Right. All of this shit. Right.

And then it comes to fucking white dude. He fucking, you know, old Dudley do right. He's got a police officer's haircut. You like this guy could have been a state trooper and he's fucking coming down. And I'm like, all right, well, let's see what's going to go on here. The white dude seems to be in a little better shape. The Brazilian guy surprisingly for a champion has a little bit of a dad bot. You know what I mean?

And whatever they start going at it. And, you know, white boys taking it a little bit. He's giving it back. He's taking it, whatever. Then all of a sudden the Brazilian guy starts just running at him and he fucking each one. And then he regroups and he starts running around again and this fucking guy, the white dude with the fucking state trooper haircut, he's backing up. And as he's backing up, he gives them just a little fucking little right there. Fred with the fucking a right hook.

Right. Well, backing up. And this fucking guy just, he just shut up. This guy's hard drive. He just fucking pep. And that guy was just right down like a controlled implosion. You know, when they take down a fucking building and everybody for some reason can take off work to go down and watch it. You know, that's what they waste a sick day on. Like, hey, is there any way I can breathe in that fucking, what do you call that shit?

Not asphalt. Oh Christ, what the fuck do you call that shit? Espistos, right? They can breathe it in. Anyways, he fucking just hit the guy. He just caught him the right way. I mean, granted, if he hit me with that, I mean, I would have been dead. There'd be no podcast ever again, you know?

But he just caught the guy, I guess, right. And the guy just went right like a ton of bricks. He fucking went down and the fucking white dude just lost it. You know, he just fucking, he runs over to his corner, climbs. He's not there. He's gonna get on the fence. He went right up and over, hugged his whole team and just kept screaming, I'm a fucking world champion. It was awesome.

Oh, sorry, I just blew out yours there. It was fucking awesome. Do I got this too high? I think it's blew out my fucking ears. It was just fun to see somebody like that excited. And then of course they said that he was from Cleveland. So I tweeted out Cleveland finally won a championship. And that's why I think that's what I tweeted out or something like that.

But congratulations to that guy who I can't put. I'm not gonna butcher his fucking name. It was awesome to see him win a championship. It's great for the city of Cleveland, right? And even though it wasn't a team sport, you know, if you're in Cleveland, you got to be, well, you won't be thinking this because you guys, you know, you've been beaten, you've been beaten down by the sports gods for so long that you guys really, you're afraid of having hope.

But I remember reading about Christopher Columbus when he came over to the Americas, which he thought was, I don't know, India. I don't know what the fuck he thought. Before he got to land, there was a couple of branches. Before he got to land and he started either, you know, being nice to people or chopping off people's hands because they wouldn't give them their gold fillings, depending on what movie you believe, you know, I always love that. New studies find it's like, where the fuck was this information?

Was it on a cocktail napkin and somebody finally looked at it? Did you find one of those scrolls? Was it written by somebody? Hey, by the way, this is what really happened. Somebody just kept it for years and they just let the lie go and go and go and then fall. Maybe the people that survived what he did, they had this shit written down. I don't know. I think I'm fucking way off track here.

Where the hell am I? Yeah, so anyways, either way, before he fucking got to land, and either was a halfway decent guy or an absolute fucking war criminal, depending on what you believe. Either way, don't you get the day off? You know, sometimes people got to die to get a fucking day off, you know, when you really think about it. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about?

Yeah, you see some fucking branches and shit, so there you go. But Guy from Cleveland is a champion. All right, it starts with one. So now you got to be looking at the Cavaliers. I don't think they've lost yet. You know what's funny? Everybody in Cleveland right now is going, Shut up!

You're going to jinx it! All right, I'll shut up. Just say it. That's another weird city. Part of me wants Cleveland to win. But there's just such a hilarious misery to the Cleveland sports fan. I almost want to see it keep going. I guess I'm going to be happy either way.

I was really surprised that OKC beat the Spurs, considering I just watched the Celtics, but I was hoping that Tim Duncan was going to get his sixth ring, just so I'd have yet another thing to say to fucking Laker fans when they bring up Kobe Bryant. Well, another guy during Kobe's time, he won six. He was a team player, that one. He really moved the ball around, got everybody involved.

Did need fucking 90 million free agents to come in and help him out every fucking year. All right, sorry. Anyway, so let's plow ahead here. What am I talking about here? So yeah, so congratulations. And I was disappointed with the Cyborg fight. You know what I mean?

I was sitting there going like, Yeah, I want to see this chick fight. I want to see the, you know, and I gotta tell you, the women's fights are usually better than the men's. I don't know why. They go at it like fucking alley cats. It's crazy. I just don't understand how they can just,

how you can just kick somebody with your bare foot and it doesn't hurt you too. You know, they should fucking have just regular people like me just going and do MMA shit to each other and just watch us both crumble after the first strike punch once with your hand. Fuck, you know, you put it under your armpit. Anyways, but she fought some chicks.

She was like eight, six, and one. So I'm like, what the fuck? She's going to destroy it. This is going to be over in the first round. And then lo and behold, Jesus, she fucking hits hard. She fucking was just raining punches. And the other woman was, you know, who's getting her was doing way better than I would.

One jab and I would have been on my back, but she was fucking eating them for a minute. And then she went down and then there was a moment where she was always moving, but it looked like she was out and the guy stopped the fight, right? Which he should have, I think, was right to stop the fight. So in the end, when they have the official decision, they cut to her, right?

And now everybody cheers. She's Brazilian. It's a hometown crowd. And when they cut to the other, the woman who lost, she's like holding back tears and she's just looking up. This is why I love this fighter forever. She was just looking up at the fucking, the diamond vision thing, whatever, the big screen. And she waited until she was on the scoreboard.

And the second she was on the scoreboard, she just goes, I never fucking tapped. I never fucking tapped. And the whole place booed her. She was so fucking mad, which is understandable. I mean, I can't imagine training that fucking long and that goddamn hard. And then it's just over in like three minutes. It must have been brutal, but I don't know.

She was great. She was all hard. So hopefully she'll come back or whatever. I don't know. I was really into that last one. And that Cleveland guy was hilarious. He was talking to everybody. He was like, you know, and I know everybody here, you don't like me because we're in Brazil, but you guys make the sport great.

You called him out on it. You know, you're not voting for me because I'm a fucking... Because I'm from Cleveland. He should have been, but I'm from Cleveland. I'm used to this. Anyways, let's see here. I don't know if I have any advertising here. Hang on one second.

In the meantime, I'll tell you a quick story. You guys are all well aware that the genius prince died. Did you guys see that? Do you get that in your papers? So anyways, out here in Beverly Hills, they're having an auction on one of his guitars. It's a yellow one that he did. How many fucking times I got to type in my fucking password? Come on.

Maybe because I can't fucking remember it. I fucked it up again. Third time to show them. I have to hum what it is or I fuck it up. Can you imagine being this dumb and actually fucking having your own gym? It's kind of dangerous, isn't it? Alright, so he,

they're auctioning off one of his guitars. It was the one that he used with the new power generation, the cream album, I believe. And somebody bought it a few years ago. I can't believe it was even for sale, but some guitar collector admittedly doesn't play him. He just collects them. He paid 30 grand for this fucking thing.

So he says, I should read this word for fucking word. This is so fucking priceless. He says like the reason why he's selling it is because, you know, it's become, you know, with the passing of Prince, it's become so valuable that he's actually nervous to have it.

He's nervous to own the fucking thing, right? Which is fucking, it's just like, dude, why don't you just say, you know what, the guy fucking just died. Everybody's paying attention. This is a great time to sell this fucking guitar. I'm trying to make money off of this guy's death. Why can't you just say that?

You know, there it is, Prince's guitar. All right, I got to read what this guy said. It's just so white, but there's nothing wrong with it. You want to make a buck? Just, you know, the guy died and I'm trying to make fucking money off of it. All right. Oh, yellow grunt.

Okay, he goes, I've been a Prince fan since I was a little kid and that guitar always stuck out to me because it was super cool and stylish. Said the current owner, he paid about 30 grand for it. He said, unfortunately, as morbid as it is, when people pass their items, become more valuable. I think something as valuable as this could be

too risky to continue to have in my possession. He's worried about his safety. Get the fuck out of here, man. You're trying to make some money. You're trying to make some money. That's so fucking creepy. It's a really cool looking guitar, but I don't think I could own a guitar of a dead person

who was way better at playing than I'll ever be. I feel like that should be in, like, the rock and roll hall of fame, so people can just go and look at it, stay in your house. How fucking weird would that be? Just having people over and people going, is that? Yeah, that's Prince's guitar.

I would immediately be whispering to my wife, going, this guy fucking killed him. Let's get out of here. The fuck does he have his guitar? It would immediately creep me out. But that's me. You know, I'm a paranoid son of a bitch. He wants a fucking two-story garage.

Sue me. Do I not have any fucking reads this week? I think I'm out of advertisers. I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've slowly but surely pissed all of them off. Oh, well, well, maybe, maybe I do have some advertising. He just hasn't sent it. Nope, I'm hitting the refresh button.

I don't fucking see it. Oh, you know what? Why are they so sensitive? Don't they understand that if I shit on it, you guys actually listen to it, and then maybe you'll buy it as opposed to just fast-forwarding through all of it? That's what I try to do.

I mean, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to help them make money. All right, now, what the fuck are you going to do? Speaking of guitars, you know, I played for about five, six years, and I stopped over the last couple of years when the downstairs was being redone, and then I recently got back into it.

But, you know, this is the deal. I play drums, I fuck around on guitar, and I've always wanted one of those lemon bursts, fucking Les Pauls. I'm trying to find one, a left-handed one. I just think it's fucking, I don't know. But you know what kills me whenever I get a guitar? Especially a Les Paul,

I just start thinking of all the fucking great music I've, I've heard coming out of that thing, and then when I pick it up, it's just like, oh, Jesus. Am I the asshole that just bought a fucking guitar he doesn't deserve? I think I am. All right, I'm going to pause here just so I can just fucking,

if I get advertising later, I can just put it in here. Or maybe not, so maybe, let's see. Let's see what happens. All right, pausing here for some advertising that might be read later. All right, I'm back. Did I read anything?

I don't know. I guess I'll find out later. Anyway, so it's only 4.27 here, Pacific Coast time, and in 33 minutes, the Blues San Jose Shots fucking game starts. And I can't tell you how fucking excited I am about this, and I already know how they're probably going to sell this game.

It's a tale of two cities. Two cities that have never gotten over the hump. Their fans have had more heartbreak than a fucking blue-blu-blu and a fucking spear through the chest. But one thing's for sure, for one city, they'll be moving on to the Stanley Cup final. Not finals, as I always say, the Stanley Cup final. And for the other team, more misery.

But neither one should be ashamed. They've both knocked off between the two of them, the two perennial giants in the West with the LA Kigs and the fucking Chicago Blackhawks, right? They're going to do some shit like that. Somebody is going to make it to the Stanley Cup final. I hate that it's the final. I like the finals.

And I hate when people go, oh, there's only one of them. There's only one of them. There's only one of them. See, NBA, yeah, but there's seven games. It's the finals, right? I'd have no problem with that, plural. That's a great thing, you know, when people go,

like, all those cunts over there in Europe or around the world go, why do you call it football? You know? Ours makes sense. It's football. And then somebody goes, all right, if you want to be technical,

you should call it football. You're using both your feet. Why do you call it football? There you go. You dribble right back and forth between your feet there. Why don't you call it football? Feet-y-ball, footsy? Why don't you call it footsy?

In other words, why don't you go fuck yourself? Anyways, I am really excited about this and what I would like to do, don't you see, is I would like to have one of my giant ice cubes with some fucking booze in it, because I booze hard on the weekends,

because I fucking stare at a goddamn script all week before I come home and booze hard. Who's getting who? My drinking is out of control. I think this is why people have children at some point in their life, because if you don't, you just drink yourself to death.

I'll tell you, it's fun. It's a lot funnier than shit diapers. Anyways, I'm nervous about this one. I'm nervous. I had a belief that the blues were going to get by the Black Oaks. I'm not kidding. I'm a surprise.

And I had a belief that they could get by the Dallas Stars, and certainly with the goaltending issues, which I didn't even know they fucking had. It still went seven. So I figured this would make sense that you get to the next each time, you get a little more tested.

So I want to say whoever wins this is going to fucking win the Stanley Cup in the Stanley Cup final. But I was hanging out with Bartnick last night, and he knows more about hockey than I know about myself. And he was saying that he thinks Tampa Bay Lightning, even though the goaltender went down.

So we shall see. I'm sticking with the blues. Meet me in St. Louis, Louis. Meet me at the fair. I'm sticking with the blues. That's my team. Because my real team, the Bruins, didn't make it. But I still love them.

I'm going to be there again in October. And if they play the blues, I'm not going to give a fuck if they beat them fucking whatever. 12 to nothing. I won't give a shit. Speaking of which, somebody sent me something about... People always love to make points

on all the dumb shit that I say on Twitter. How many times do I have to admit that I'm a fucking moron? You really don't need to correct me. I realize that I'm an idiot. But somebody goes, dude, it's not a lot of scoring and soccer. And sends me like one day's worth of fucking scores.

It's just like, OK, well, if you average it out, I think I'm right. You know what's funny about that fucking Leicester City championship? Do you know how they found out that they won a championship? Because two other teams played to like a 1-1 tie. There wasn't even a playoff. Playoff?

There wasn't even a fucking playoff. Like, here we go. This is it. We're down to the final two fucking teams. We're going to play for 19 hours. And hopefully, at some point, somebody's going to put the fucking ball in the net. And the goal, whatever.

And then it's going to be over. Except it's going to be injury time, that nobody knows what it is except for the fucking refs. And everybody starts whistling. All right? They didn't even have that. They watched these two other teams play to a tie, and then everybody went crazy.

That seems really anticlimactic to me. I think you want somebody to fucking kick the ball. It goes into the fucking net. Somebody scores, right? And then collectively, as sports fans, you all fucking bust your nut. Ah! When it goes in.

Yeah, a bunch of people walking around with scarves, watching somebody with wind, get a fucking tie, and then you're excited about that. I don't get that. You know, you would think that a country that survived the fucking Blitzkrieg, like that level of excitement in your fucking life,

you think that your sports would reflect it. Maybe you had, and maybe your fucking grandparents had enough fucking excitement for one lifetime, and your lifetime too. So they just started watching that? I don't know. Or maybe I don't understand enough about the game,

and I'm just a fucking moron. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know. I have no idea. Whatever. Go fuck your chips and go fuck yourself. All right, let's read some, let's read some of this bullshit here

that I got from this week. Oh, by the way, I had a great weekend down, and before I get to this, I got an hour to film, so don't worry about it. I had a great weekend. I've just been in a real slump

as far as writing new bits, just because my life is ground to a halt here. It's like, you know, I'm not going out, I'm not doing anything. Like, my wife went to the Beyoncé concert last night at the Rose Bowl, and I was actually thinking I should have gone,

because there's no fucking way I wouldn't have got a bit out of that. I would have felt old, I would have felt stupid, I wouldn't know what the songs were, and she'd come out, fucking whipping her weave around and shit. That'd be something I could talk about.

Right? But instead, I went down to the comedy store and I did a couple of shows, and I actually went out, at least there were other comedians out there, and I was just so fucking sick of doing the same shit

and trying to make it work. I just, every once in a while, if you just go out there, and you're just not thinking anything and you just start fucking talking, it works way better and it breathes new life into all your jokes. I just kind of went out there,

which is a very terrifying thing to do, if you've never done that in stand-up, because you really feel like you're, do you remember in The Matrix, when Keanu Reeves, they're trying to convince him to fucking step off that building and he's not gonna fall to his death?

All he has to do is believe, and was it that movie, or was it the fucking Battlestar Galactic and Moonraker? I don't know what the, one of those space movies, right? It wasn't even space, but sci-fi. He had to like believe it,

and if you believe it, then you're fine. If you don't believe it, you actually fall to your death. This is sort of one of those things, but of course you're not gonna die. You're just gonna metaphorically die on stage. Stepping off the building

is basically just leaving your act behind and just fucking just talking. So I just went out there and I just started riffing on the fact that I made a smart move by not going to Beyonce because when I went to Lady Gaga with my wife,

I fucking, I mean, she was mad at me for like three fucking days after that one. In defense of me, which there really is no defense, I watched the Patriots. We lost, I think, to the Ravens and the playoffs during the day.

So I was already drinking. I already had a good six pack in me and then we took a car service to fucking Lady Gaga and we went on the thing and it was, you know, I'm all about seeing the band. I want to see the drummer

and all that type of shit and she on this tour for whatever reason. It's her tour, it's her choice, whatever. She had him in like this house. There was a fucking house and I couldn't see the drummer. There was like a window. I could kind of see his hands a little bit,

a little bit of his head and that was it and it was just like, what the fuck? I want to see the band. And I can't, it was so long ago, I don't remember what the fuck, but I just started telling that story and how I fucking pissed her off

and then if I went to the Beyonce thing, you know, how I would just, you know, you know, when they sang like that independent woman's song and everything, just the dirty looks I'd be giving most of the women there knowing that they were full of shit and that they shouldn't be

putting their hands up in the air, you know? It was just a smart move that I didn't go and my wife still has never gotten over my behavior at the Lady Gaga concert to the point that I actually asked her to come on the podcast to talk about the Beyonce concert and she just goes, no.

And I tried not to laugh. I tried to hold it together. I go, what do you mean no? She goes, we think I'm a fucking idiot? No. She goes, I'm not going on the podcast and giving you an opportunity to start trashing Beyonce.

I'm not going to trash Beyonce. I have to admit, she started showing me video clips of the concert and she had it like the way she was holding, she was, we were on the couch and she snuggled up next to me so she's holding it kind of low to my, you know, near my stomach

and like three times I started laughing looking at the, looking at the clips and look, dude, I know she's way more talented than I could ever be. I don't even remotely put on a show like her but there's just something funny to me about when everybody dances in unison and they have that, you know,

that angry look on their face. It's just the funniest, it's just like, what is your, what is the problem? They're coming up and they got their arms out, you know, and they're doing that little fucking thing with their head and their feet are running.

It's just, I can't, and I can't even dance. Like the fucking nerve of me to laugh at it but it always strikes me. It's just, it's absolutely ridiculous. Something, it's, I understand why it's awesome and people appreciate it but it's also really fucking funny.

To me, I should say, I don't know why. Maybe, you know what, I'm just a cunt. Don't listen to me, so whatever. So I made a great fucking move by not going to that concert. Made a very smart, married a couple of years, getting wise in my old, I just was just like, you know what,

I can, that's the best when you start, you start to know somebody and yourself well enough to be like, you know what, I see the fight coming. You know what I mean? It's actually, it's like slipping punches which is something else, another reason why I suck at fighting is

you could literally tell me on Thursday I'm throwing this punch at this time and you would still not only catch me with it, your whole hand or foot or whatever, I just can't do it, you know. Whatever, I stink at it. So I saw this fight coming

and I was just like, I was like, all right, no, no. And I gave my ticket away and she took one of her girlfriends so I looked good with the friends and all of that fucking shit and I avoided a major fucking fight and I just went on stage

because I was like, I'm sick of my jokes. That was the point of this shit. I'm sick of my jokes. So whenever I get into this, these, whatever, you go writer's block, even though I don't write whatever, just riff and block I guess because I just sort of wing my shit.

I just say to myself, what am I thinking right now? What am I feeling? And I was feeling, thank God I didn't go to Beyoncé because me and my wife were getting into a big fight. And you know what's funny? I didn't even make that decision. I kind of, as I was, Dom Iroar brought me up

with, he gives the best fucking intros. He said this fucking intro. He goes, you know, this next guy coming to the stage, you know, he never made me laugh. You know, immediately people are just dying. He just fucking, he just does that stuff. But you know, people seem to enjoy him. I don't know, I've written a lot of his stuff

and just, you know, just making me look like a complete asshole. So I went out there and it wasn't until after I shook his hand that I was actually thinking of the first bit I was going to do and I was just like, oh God, it's going to feel like shit coming out of my mouth. I can't even say it. And then I just, over the years of just knowing that trick,

I was just like, what am I feeling right now? I was just, I'm feeling, I'm glad I fucking didn't go to Beyoncé because I get into a three day fight with my wife. And I just started talking about that. And it just, it worked. And then I had this other chunk of material and I did the last joke without even setting it up from the other shit.

And it still worked. It just worked in a different way. And it was just great. It made me fucking love stand-up again because I was really, not like I would ever hate stand-up but just this whole fucking writing every day. All right. All right.

And now through the magic of technology, it's now 10-01 Pacific Coast time and I'm watching the third period of St. Louis San Jose. I take the fucking game because I have a set to go to. What's the first two periods? Two to one. St. Louis, so far. All right, let's see who he's fucking as in.

Get on with the fucking watching of the sports here. All right, Blue Apron everybody over there. You need to know how to cook unless you get abroad in your life and she builds schools, you know what I mean? Not only do you feel like you know your way around the kitchen but cooking at home means eating healthier and saving money instead of ordering expensive takeout all over again.

But where do you start? Blue Apron as you covered. Fuck those for the last 10, for less than $10 per meal. Blue Apron delivers all the fresh ingredients you need to create home-cooked meals just followed the easy step-by-step instruction. These meals actually look really good. I wish this was the round one.

I was a single-feller. Each meal can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. No overwhelming trips to the grocery store. No more sad takeouts. No matter how dietary preferences, no matter your dietary preferences, Blue Apron makes it a breeze to discover and prepare dishes like seared salmon with asparagus

and new potato hash and creamy aioli right in your own kitchen. I don't even know what half of that is. What the fuck is aioli? Aioli! Fuck over here. Cook with ingredients that you've never used before like watermelon radishes,

faro, faro, modal, and purple potatoes. And recipes are between 500 to 700 calories per portion. Delicious and good for you. Right now, you can get your first two meals for free at blueapron.com-flashbur. That's blueapron.com-flashbur.

Hi! Blueapron.com-flashbur. A better way to cook. Oh, here we go. Miandis, miandis. No more sweaty bowls. Do, do, do, do. Miandis, miandis.

I'm drinking a maker's mark. Pour it down the front of my fucking underwear. It dries up real quick and I don't care. I have all good drunk and so am I by these fucking panties. Here, queens. All right, miandis. Whether you're wearing a suit or a...

What? Whether you're wearing a suit or sweats, you spend almost 24 hours a day in your underwear unless you're Matthew McConaughey and then you're wearing it and you can just run down the beach carrying a couple of ferns, whatever the fuck it is he does on us TV.

That's a magazine, anyway. But instead of making a statement like Superman's tights under his everyday clothes, your underwear is probably boring. Miandis is here to change that. Well, you know what? Superman's underwear is pretty boring, isn't it? It's just red, you know?

So, you know, there's a fucking name on it. That's when it gets interesting. Um, please include all the falling points. Why would not? You wrote it. I'm going to read it. Model is pronounced modal. Every pair of miandis is made from sustainable modal.

A fabric twice as soft is cotton, allegedly. Nothing can describe the fit and the feel of miandis. You've got to feel it up against your balls to appreciate it. But once you try them on, you'll understand why they're called the world's most comfortable underwear. And if you don't love your first pair of miandis, they're, whee, no questions asked.

Miandis has dozens of styles and limited edition prints to help you make a statement with your underwear, whether anyone can see them or not. Remember Superman. Um, they're really like marketing themselves towards the Comic-Con crowd, aren't they? Who gives a fuck about Superman?

Didn't he lose to Batman? Uh, shipping is free in the U.S. and Canada. And you can save up to $8 per pair with miandis subscription plan. Get the subscription or a single pair. Get 20% off your first order when you go to miandis.com.flashbar. That's miandis.com.flashbar

for 20% off your first order. And then here we go. Final one, legal zoom. Five things you can count on when using legal zoom for your business. Number one, more than a million people have already trusted legal zoom to help start their business.

Incorporations, LLCs, nonprofits, BDAs, whatever the fuck those are, and more. Use legal zoom to get started the right way. Uh, number two, the deuce. Experience. You can put on legal zoom for all the... You can count on legal zoom for all the details they've helped. Uh, they've been helping all types of businesses

owners for over 15 years. Number three, helpful support. They have the right people standing by ready to help you with your questions, all based in the United States. Ooh, shot fired, India! Uh, number four,

numero cuatro. Um, legal advice. Legal zoom isn't a law firm, both a network of independent attorneys available in 48 states. You get answers to your legal questions and they can review supplier contracts, employment laws, and help with most of the day-to-day situations

that pop up. And finally, letter D. A, B, C, D, O, E. That's the fifth one. Cinco. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, ocho, nueve. You know, I learned how to count to ten in Spanish,

Washington, Boston, right? No, no, don't. I'm gonna get knocked down and here we go. Osho! Like, you gonna get the fuck up or what? Call the app, make the smart choice for your business at legalzoom.com today, and don't forget to enter Burt,

and check out to stay even more. Legalzoom.com. All right, that's it. Back to the podcast, here comes the bitches. Let's get to some questions here for this week. Oh, look what's back. Sayelica, Sayelica,

oh, oh, ah, ah, Sayelica. Speaking of which, how great a song is Top Jimmy? I fucking love that song. All right, Sayelica, hey Bill, love your podcast. I wanted to tell you about my sister's cure

for Sayelica, live at the Worcestershire Drone. The Providence Civic Center, one night only, Sayelica. My ass fucking hurts. She suffered from Sayelica for years, for years.

Her doctor recommended she see a podiatrist, that's a foot doctor for all you civilians out there, who filmed her from behind. What a fucking creep. As she walked on a treadmill, yeah, with his yoga pants. By the way,

I don't understand why guys are fucking so obsessed with yoga pants. I've never been yoga pants. I like just, you know what, I took too many yoga classes. I just know what the room smells like, and I just feel like that's what you clamp smells like when you wear those, and I know that's immature.

I'm sorry. He immediately saw her right foot was rolling out as she walked. He said this was causing her problems with Sayelica, and he made custom orthotic shoes inserts that she wears most of the time.

He said this worked immediately to completely eliminate her pain from Sayelica. She said after you start wearing the orthotics, you should visit a chiropractor to get everything back in alignment and you're good to go.

Give it a try and go fuck yourself. Thank you so much for that. I don't think I have that issue, but I got the name of a good chiropractor, and you know what, goddammit, when I'm uploading this podcast, because somebody sent me this thing on Twitter.

Bill, go see a doctor. Jesus, did we learn nothing from so-and-so? It was somebody who was on Letterman who had a shortness of breath and he kept blowing it off. He kept talking to people who weren't doctors, and they're like, I'm sure you're fine, I'm sure you're fine. Then he found out it was fucking lung cancer.

Obviously, that's not what I'm looking at here. All right. So I will definitely go. Thank you for that. Number two. Deuce. Where will Caitlin take a shit this week? Number two, hi Bill.

I was a wall and floor tyler for 27 years, and my go-to for any lower back pain was a gel ice pack and lying on a hard floor. The gel pack molds to the area that is sore and the hard floor keeps your spine flat.

Lie on your back. Wait. Lie on your back on the floor with your knees bent. Put the ice. What does that mean? They bend and then lift them up or just have your feet on the floor? You put your foot down

on the two, you jump up on the one. Sorry. I'm thinking about prints now. All right. Then move the ice pack and then try it. Wait, I missed the whole fucking thing. Lie on your back. You wrote a bunch of words that are all like the same.

I have some sort of fucking dyslexia because he has lied like a bunch of times in feet. Lie on your back on the floor with your knees bent. Put the ice pack at the spot giving you trouble. Leave it there. Oh, I know why you didn't have any punctuation. Leave it there for 15 minutes. You can watch TV doing this.

Then move the ice pack and then try to feel like you are pressing your spine into the floor. Continue with the treatment once or twice a day until you feel better. I hope this works for you. I love to efforts for family and remind me of my childhood and I'm a 57-year-old Australian

male. Love the specials in the podcast. Hope you get better soon. Well, that's good to know. So you're 10 years older than me. Well, that should work because we kind of age Bill a little bit older than I was in 1973 or 74. He's about 11 years old which would mean he would have been born

in 62. So that's right in your wheelhouse. You'll probably be born in like what, 58? 59? Yeah, Bill. That's how the math works out. Alright, cool. Okay, Australian male. Well, thank you so much for watching and please

tell more people down there in Australia if you can to check it out. I actually heard a lot of times people say to put heat on your back. Ice, I guess, is better because if you have any sort of inflammation in the nerve or something like that. I don't know. I've been using a leave and doing these stretches. I feel much

better and I haven't been sitting down at all. I've actually been squatting like a Vietnamese gambler and I don't know. That's been working for me in these stretches. I still haven't quite gotten it better but I'm going to

go to a chiropractor and get adjusted out Jesus. That and I also need glasses finally given into that because my every two years when you're at my advanced age you got to go get a physical physical

I want to get physical I got my pilot's license so you got to every you know if you're a younger fella, every lady, every five years you got to renew your medical you got to get it updated. So with me

it's every two fucking years and I barely made it through and I'm literally like what the fuck am I doing here? I don't want to wear glasses. I just don't want to have another fucking thing that I have to deal with and I also have this paranoia that all glasses do is make your fucking

eyes worse kind of like, you know, chapstick it just dries out your lips even more. That's like the big urban myth and then you get addicted to it then you got to use it, you know whenever I have dry ass lips I just use a little Vaseline works like a fucking charm and then I just

start pounding waters and then you're fine you fucking fine that fucking chapstick and all that shit I don't like it I don't like it. Makes me have weird dreams get that chemical in there, it seeps right into your fucking face and it goes right to your brain next thing you know, you just

run it around with an axe in your dreams you ever have a dream like that? for some reason you're screaming answer me I'm just making this shit up people I don't know what the fuck you want from me, usually the advertising takes up a little bit of time and I don't have any

448 another 12 minutes and then the game starts oh and I got another 15 minutes here fuck well thank you, thank god for Tebow, right? alright, grass killin neighbor alright, fantasy revenge advice

hello, Billiam, I'm a 23 year old male, I live with my parents in the country that even Australia makes for two from Australians here oh, New Zealand oh Jesus, I live with my parents in a country that even Australia makes fun of

New Zealand, I think I'm in a part of a country I can't read people I love Ephesus for family and can't wait for season 2 thank you so much, please tell more people in New Zealand about it if you haven't already if you got the time, I'm not trying to put you out if you don't want to be that douche, don't be the douche but if you do, I'd appreciate it

alright, so here we go, fantasy revenge advice some time ago my father was using a lawn trimmer on the right side of the front yard which is only a few feet from our neighbor's driveway while trimming the edges, a small rock in the grass

shot out and hit our neighbor's parked car in the driveway our neighbor was already at the front of his house and either saw or heard the bang and started yelling at my dad who was apologetic the rock put a small dent in the car which was hard to see even close up

when I was told what happened by my dad I was a little pissed that he yelled but I knew he had a right to be upset and although it was an accident my dad would happily pay for the damages because he knew he was at fault

our neighbor didn't talk to us again about a bill or anything so we quickly forgot about it and moved on a few weeks later, I was at the front of our house and I saw that the right side of our lawn was completely dead a foot inwards I realized this fucking

cunt had poisoned the area of the grass that would usually be cut using the edge trimmer wow this guy's got major communication issues so this incident would never happen again despite my dad telling him that he would only mow the lawn

when the driveway was empty in the future I asked my dad if he knew anything and he told me he didn't know for a few days but didn't want to make a big deal about it my dad is a very easygoing guy who doesn't get bothered much

myself, on the other hand spent the next few nights fantasizing about revenge oh, it looks like you take after your mother your dad's easygoing he married a fucking hot-blooded woman and she calmed her down

and then you got her fucking DNA I like where this is going so far you're not a big revenge guy your dad's easygoing, it's his house already my gut's saying, your dad's easygoing it's his fucking house you know don't do anything to disrupt it

he said, I thought about doing the exact same thing to his lawn but spelling out the words coward oh my god, that's fucking hilarious I thought about pulling out all of his plants and dumping it on his car to send a message it's been a few months and I still get pissed off

about it, but I decided not to stoop to his level and pull off a bitch move like that the only option would be to confront him but there is no scenario in which that would end well why not? why not, why can't you just next time you see him, just say dude, I gotta tell you something

I haven't been on this planet for a long time so maybe I need to see more bitchy behavior, but that's the biggest pussy bitch fucking, I don't do that it's gonna go I don't know, I would just say hey, do you have any idea why this part of the lawn died isn't that amazing

and I would do that to him every fucking time just do something to drive him nuts anyways, because I've decided to do nothing and moved on but it's been about a year and I'm still thinking about it, what would you have done am I justified to be pissed, this pissed, and how the fuck do I stop myself from letting it

get me in such a bad mood every time I walk past our front lawn and see the dead strip of lawn thanks for listening Bill, come back to New Zealand your lawn is still dead look, I'm not a big on revenge but the great thing that you have right now is you've waited a year

so if you were to do anything, obviously don't bring any physical harm to the person he does seem to love that car why would you do it why don't you guys replant the fucking grass that's what I would do I would replant the grass

this is what you do replant the grass and get all excited and then without him knowing, what you do is you set up a fucking video camera alright and you try to catch him doing it that's the best way to do it

and then he has to fucking pay for it and then pay for the previous thing the previous time he poisoned it that's what I would do there's obvious things that you could do you could go to a fucking auto zone and buy one of those little catch trays that captures oil

and then in the night you could undo his fucking let all the oil out of his car unscrew the thing on the oil pan and you screw it back up and then he seizes the edge on his car you can go that route there's no oil in the fucking car the key is what you have to do is

he would still figure it out see he can't do it this is all bitchy fucking moves you gotta have a face to face thing or what I would do is I would just replant replant the grass and I would set up a fucking video camera and maybe you just say that

just say hey, just so you know if you plan on poisoning your grass because I know you're not a man and you would never say anything to my dad because you know just so you know I got this security you're gonna be on video and we're gonna catch you doing it okay

alright it cost us a lot of money and I, oh my god, what a fuck in a perfect world couldn't you just go up and just fucking he just answers the door and you go huh and you just boot him right in the nuts huh and then you just take a strip of the dead grass

and you just start fucking beating his back with it that's what the fuck you want to do I actually want to do that right now but you know what, you can't do it you know what, fuck him he did it to you he did it to you oh dude, you know something

I think what you came up with is the best why don't you just write coward cause then he's gonna do something else to your dad's house oh this guy's a cunt you know what, he doesn't have the balls to confront your dad so what I think you do yeah, do the little coward thing and then set up video cameras

and catch him doing something else but then you've done something to him see it's just awful it's just this bitchy tit for fucking tat thing I don't know what you have to do but I feel like something has to be said at least I know what you do this is what you do you go down to a fucking lady's shoe store

alright and you buy a cheap pair of fucking women's shoes and next time you see you wrap it up like a present and you just give it to him and there's a card in there and everything and then you just, this is what you do you do that, you just humiliate the guy and you just open up and just say

hey sweetheart just write from your heart about what a fucking bitch he is and this is what you do don't ever, don't cursing it at all write it really nice and lovely but in that without ever cursing just let him know

what an absolute fucking pussy he is for doing that there you go I think that's a winner you know what, I might have to outsource this to my listeners if you guys have better ideas on what to do there nobody gets hurt, you made your point and that's hilarious

and that's a funny, you know you tell people that this guy did it and they go so what'd you do, you tell them I went out I went to a lady's shoe store and I bought him a pair of pumps and then you get to laugh and every time you see him just wave and just start calling him sweetheart

give him a pet name maybe you give him a woman's name like Diane or something hey Diane, how'd you like the shoes and just every fucking day do that forever I don't know it made me feel better about the situation

maybe you can do that, who the fuck knows anyways, good luck with that but don't do any physical harm or real property things the brilliance, I must say genius pat myself on the back there, sorry about that that's what I like about The Last Plant

is that you're not hurting him you write it eloquently, you're not cursing there's nothing he can really do you just bought him a gift that you give you give a woman it's perfect I'd send him some candy on Valentine's Day

just torture the guy but you just keep giving him gifts I don't know what else get him some flats a bunch of shit like that who the fuck knows maybe you just do it once and then that's it and then what you do and then right after that

you replant the grass and then you just let him know that you know that he did it and he's going to be too much of a bitch to try to do it again then you can tell your dad years later don't tell your dad that you did it and then years later you tell him that you did it when you're having a pint and you guys can fucking laugh your balls off

alright, work argument hey Bill, I work with some real morons I'm in sales so everyone is a hotheaded tool really, I thought you guys were like funny I always seem like the salesman, we're always breaking balls and being funny they all think they're living in a sales movie

oh okay, too many Glen Gary, Glen Rosses alright, we have set accounts and nothing about our job requires us to generate new business from cold leads but that doesn't stop these tools so the other day they're bitching about Saturday Night Live and how it's not funny anymore

that's not really a big deal people always bitch about SNL even when it's good that didn't bother me but then, they all started saying how they'd be funnier on the show oh Jesus, here we go this is like me watching, no, I guess it's not like that alright, let's continue, it's like me watching

UFC being like, dude, you know what I would've done so this is when I chimed in and told them that it's harder than it looks and that they did not they did not, they did have a shot what? that they did have a shot oh, that if, you left out a word there said it's harder than it looks and if they

if they did have a shot having no stage presence or experience they would end up freezing up then they'd be the guy who froze up whose face was everywhere I made the point to them that if they were offered a spot on SNL, they'd be better to turn it down they'd have a happier life

if they said no to SNL Jesus, do you agree with this and if you were offered SNL, would you take it? do I think that the people on SNL are funnier than a salesman? yes, absolutely absolutely, do I think that they would freeze up? no, not necessarily, they would probably you know, maybe a few

would freeze up, others would get dry mouth and still plow through it others would ham it up you know, who knows I don't know there, I if they offered me SNL I would know that they were in a lot of trouble

I'm a 48 year old man next month I think that they like to try to get young talent and I think that window is closed having said that, I got nothing but respect it seems like having just trying to write a fucking cartoon where we got all the fucking time in the world to do this shit

where they have to come out with a brand new you know, 90 minutes minus fucking commercials what's that 90 minus 24 to get technical 8 minutes every half hour that's 64 fucking 66 minutes a week, fuck you

there's no way, I've heard nothing but that's an absolute it takes a special personality to be able to do to handle that and I would actually be worried about what it would do to my stand up career, having that level of a commitment

which is why I prefer to do a role in a movie where it's just sort of like okay, we got you from here to here so it's a finite thing where that SNL shit is just like I don't know when they start or when they stop but it just seems to be

it's a hell of a commitment but yeah, so there you go, did I answer your question if you get offered SNL who says fucking no to that I don't know if I get that why am I fucking stressing over this, it's not happening

but anyways, thank you for sticking up for everybody on SNL, I appreciate that okay, here's the last one, from a lady from a fucking lady woman proposing yo baby cakes, Billy Burr just curious, what are your thoughts what are your

just curious what your thoughts are sorry everybody, I'm bad at this just curious what your thoughts are on women proposing love you, thanks for advocating for pit bulls, hope to see you soon please don't use my name, well they never show me a name I think that's a bad move on the woman's part

I think you guys generally speaking are more gun-ho to get married than guys are and if you propose to a guy and he's too much of a pussy to say no and then you end up marrying

the wrong person, I think as a woman you should wait for the fucking guy and I think there's a reason why the guy asks it's because we don't want to do it so if we are actually asking then you know you're with the most of them end up in divorce you know what, I don't know

I don't know, that could be maybe be kind of cool there's something cute about it I can tell you that, not talking down to you but I used to always fake propose to Nia I used to always go, Nia

I'm proposing to you right now and she would always be laughing knowing I was fucking around and I would always go, I propose that we break up it was a silly joke and he used to always make her fucking laugh I don't know

she was real cute during that time when she like wanted me to ask and I don't know my wife's fucking adorable so what am I gonna do took a special kind of fucking woman to trick me into doing this

she didn't trick me anyways, that's the podcast for this week I don't know if I have any advertising left anymore but who gives a fuck, I never did it for that anyways I'll go dance for my supper tonight I don't need your advertising whore money although I loved it

I loved that advertising whore money maybe I still have it, who knows that's the podcast once again I will try to take some video this week I actually made a couple of ones but I made one for Verzi and I made one for fucking Dean Delray

so it's got their name on it maybe I'll just post those fucking things I don't have to fucking move my truck out again do I anyways, that's it, that's the podcast for this week thanks for listening go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on on Thursday let's go blues