Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-18-15

Episode Date: May 18, 2015

Bill rambles about summer colds, pick up lines and hell rooms.

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How's it going? Ahhhhhhhh, whyhhh? I'm fucking wiped out. I'm wiped out. You know, not because I did all these shows here. You know. Not because I put in maximum effort to make sure everybody got their money's worth patting myself on the back.

Not because of that. You know why? Cause I'm an asshole and I went out every night until like three, four, five o'clock in the fucking morning. Like I'm still in my 20s. You know? Every fucking night. I always say right before the second show, I'd be like, hey Verzi, I'm going to be an

early one. You know? It's going to be an early one. Ah fuck, who's texting me now? Come on man. Leave me alone. Can you just leave me alone? Every fucking second show, I'd just be like, hey, I'm fucking uh, I'm going to call an

early one. And Verzi'd be like, all right, do whatever you want to do, do whatever you want to do. Right? And then I'd be so amped up after the show, I'd be like, all right, let me just have one little heater here backstage, right? Somebody gave us a bottle of fucking Woodford Reserve, whatever the hell it was. I do a shot. And then that was it.

Took a sip of the devil, right? And then I got the demon in my veins and the devil starts talking, hey, why don't you go smoke a cigar? Why don't you go fucking over here? Why don't you go over there? Every fucking night. Every night I've been here for 10 days. I've gone out every single night.

I'm on a fucking bed, right? What am I doing? Last night was the first night. I just did my shows and I fucking went home and Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl, Tailgate legend, Joe Bartnick came up from New York to hang and watch the show actually jumped on and did some time on the second show. And I got Bartnick and Paul Verzi staring at me, right? Of course I want to go.

Of course I want to go out, right? But do I? No. Last night was the first night I said I can't. Why? Because I learned my lessons, my lesson after fucking nine days in a row of being an absolute shithead. No, the only reason why I didn't go out again last night was because old freckles was getting

a sniffles. I caught a cold. What an asshole. What kind of a fucking asshole goes out till four or five o'clock in the morning when he's turning 47, the next goddamn month. Why would I do that? Why would I do that? I'll tell you what, because I'm a moron.

And you know something a lot of you guys listening right now? You might be laughing. You might be going, yeah, what are you, a fucking idiot? No, you know what you are? You're a parent and you got kids. So you don't have any joy. I don't have to fucking wake up to anybody. You know that shit when you're laying in bed and your fucking kid walks in, you start

dreaming of an obscene phone call and you realize that some tawd are going, yeah, you up. Yeah. That's shit. Right. I don't have to deal with that. I don't have to fucking deal with that. So something's got to give.

You know, you can't have all that freedom, you know, something's got to balance it out. So here you are. I got a cold and my fucking liver felt like I took a fucking liver shot or something. Anyways, so, uh, you know what the worst part about this cold is, is I'm, I'm sort of fighting it off because I went, I got eight hours sleep, you know, I'm in that lying stage. We just like, oh, it's not going to get any worse. You know, basically what's going to happen today is the second I exert myself doing anything like lifting, lifting like a spoonful of raisin brand to my mouth.

That's going to be the tipping point. You know what I mean? Well, the momentum has just changed for the cold virus right there. And, and then it's just going to be over. So I know tonight I'm going to be sick. At which point I'm going to pout, which means I'm going to drink and I'm going to smoke a cigar and be good. Doesn't fucking matter anyways.

Can you believe that? 47 literally sliding into 50 and I'm still behaving that way. It's a very sad thing. Everybody and, but I have nobody to blame but myself. Other than that, though, I want to tell you the show has been going great and had a bunch of friends and family come out and last night on the late show had none other than the one man thrill ride. Jimmy Preston came down fucking great guy.

Just shooting to share with them and he's got some big things coming up, some big auditions to move up the wrestling ranks. And I'm telling you, I called it. I told you at least a year and a half, two years ago, I'm telling you the guys are fucking stuff. If you haven't seen any of his clips, I'll try and read out. I always say I'm going to put the videos up, but I'm a scatterbrained by the time I get to the end of this shit, I forget, but I'm going to try to make sure if you don't just

look up one man thrill ride. He's the fucking best man fucking hilarious does his wrestling promos in his car. You know, without a shirt on screaming, I'm telling you, it's been a while since the WWE got somebody really, really great on the mic. And I think this guy, I'm telling you, I think he's going to, he's going to get, he's going to get to the show, I believe is what they call it. So anyways, yeah, Barton came down last night, fucking absolutely destroyed, destroyed on the second show.

This is what a fucking maniac Barton is. I've never heard Boston crowds grown. It takes a lot to make a Boston grown and he had like five of them. So of course, me and Verzi are fucking crying, laughing on the side of the stage. And, but, you know, when, you know, those five times when they weren't grown and they fucking died laughing at the other 100 jokes, he, he absolutely killed it. So tonight is the last night, the last night. Oh, the last night for jokes.

Oh, Summer cold makes me feel awful. Um, so anyway, so what am I going to do today? Am I going to take it easy? Well, you know, I got to fucking upload this thing at Starbucks because my parents have fucking parent internet, which is basically, I don't know, dial up 2.0. My mom always drives me nuts. She's like, we have the internet. I have the internet.

It's like, yeah, you got one of those glow sticks. You're sticking the side of your fucking computer. So you have, you have it. You have internet all day long. I don't fucking have internet. Um, so then I always have to go up to the Starbucks and I got to stand in the fucking junkie line, you know what I mean? Cause I got to find out what the goddamn password is and all of that shit.

Plus I always feel like a fucking mooch, you know, I at least always buy a bottle of water and I got to stand by him. Me too, chai latte with the fucking frizzle, frazzle. Just sitting there and standing in line fucking drinks, coffee in the middle of the day. You're a junkie. Okay. You want a glass to wake up, you know, cause you're not a morning person cause you're weak. Right.

I always loved calling people weak. Like I shouldn't have died years ago, you know, and I had my ruptured appendix. I would have been taken out of the fucking mix, you know, would have died sweating under fucking 200 blankets in the 1800s. But no, no, they had to figure out how to cure that shit. And here it is because they did that. Now you have to sit there and listen to me every week. Why do you have to?

You have all the power, but you're playing the victim once again, acting as though you can't, you can't shut it off. So, um, I got to tell you guys, um, I know I tweeted about this and I can't believe I didn't bring up my last podcast. I want to give a shout out to Jesse's customs. No, Jesse's custom design, uh, airbrush studio that's right here in, uh, Boston. And I don't want to butcher his last name is Jesse. How the fuck?

I'll give it a try. Asiaka, I don't know. It's ACC, like the college division. I, a CCA, and this guy came in one night and handed me one of the sickest things anybody's ever given me. This guy, custom airbrushes, golly mass and motorcycle helmets. So he came in knowing I'm a Bruins fan. He went out and bought an official like NHL level golly mask and then custom painted

the thing like I was going to be playing goal for the Bruins. And, uh, on one side of it, he had airbrushed a microphone with George Carlin and Richard Pryor. On the other side, he had the drum stuff. He had Bonham sign, you know, from the Zosos album, whatever the fuck you call it. Then he just had the skull part of the skull. Stephen Adler skull from the Appetite for Destruction album with GNR sort of put on on the back, you know, the one that protects the back of your head.

He had airbrushed a picture of Patrice O'Neill from the first benefit poster that Bobby Kelly, I believed helped design. And then on top, he had go fuck yourself. Um, and what was great was the fuck was the Ford symbol. And, uh, I have the Ford F 100. It was fucking unreal. Um, if you'd like to check out some of his work, uh, go to, uh, Jesse's custom signs, Jesse custom sign.

Dot com J E S S E S. And then custom design.com. All right. There's no apostrophe. W W W dot Jesse's custom design. Dot com. Um, he does airbrushing, pinstriping, gold leaf, truck lettering, motorcycles, helmets, and evidently hockey masks.

He's fucking really, really talented. And, um, that's something I swear to God, I'll have that thing for the rest of my life. There's no way I'm getting rid of it ever. Why would I ever get rid of it? It's fucking awesome. So anyways, back to the podcast there. Um, so my world's been very small lately.

I don't know. I'm even going to talk about this week because I just been fucking drinking till four in the morning. Oh, I'll tell you some stories. Okay. So I was hanging out with a bunch of high school buddies. Hey, fucking say Saturday night, right? Drinking, having a good time or whatever.

And, uh, we ended up going to leave in the end of the night. You know, they turn on the lights and shits. Everybody's going to leave. And, um, it's funny down by the Wilbur theaters is like, there's all these clubs down there. It's like the meatpacking district in New York, but like, uh, Boston, you know, so it's smaller and cleaner. You know what I mean?

Um, with smarter sports fans. Ah, Jesus. So, um, we're standing there, me and two of my buddies and this dude comes up asking for change. He's like, Hey, man, you know, phone on hard times, man. Can you help me out? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I stand there, right?

And then two friends digging into their pockets, you know, they're taking out dollar bills and shit and I'm looking at the kid, you know, got fucking this main of brown, shiny hair, totally conditioned. He's got a nice pair of glasses on. He's got this clean ass bright orange shirt with a couple of rope necklaces around it. And I just start, you know, I start teasing him. It's going, Jesus, dude, look at yourself.

Look at your hair. It's all conditioned. You got to, you look like you're producing a show with those glasses. You know, got a couple of necklaces and by then he's already got the money. So I'm basically in a roundabout way suggesting that he's not that hard off. So he just fucking stares at me and then he just holds the money out back to us. Like he's going to give it back. Like if you're going to question my integrity as a street person, I don't

think I want this, right? So I reached over and I took it back. I gave it to my friends. So now we stand in there and I know he wants the money, but he's got to keep playing this bluff, right? So he starts walking away all sad, like fucking Bill Bixby at the end of the hook and none of us say anything. So then he does an about face.

He's like, come on, guys, I need that money. You know, what the fuck you fucking, you know, I can't help the way I look. I need the money. But as he's saying this, one of my friends is not looking at him. He's just staring straight ahead and he's just going, dude, it's over. It's over. Walk away. Just walk away.

It's as he's yelling over the top. I need the money. He's just going, it's over, dude. It's over. Just, just, just walk away, walk away. So he's making such a fuss. One of the door guys at the W hotel, which is right across street from, uh, from the Wilbur comes walking over, telling the kid he needs to calm down.

You need to calm down and kids going, they gave me money and then they took a bag of blah, blah, blah, and we're not saying anything. And as he's yelling, he's looking over us and it just so happens. This dude in a wheelchair comes by, right? This homeless guy in a wheelchair, one of those guys whose legs still work. So he's, he's walking down the street on his heels, you know, walking forward sitting in a wheelchair and my buddy who was going like, dude, it's over, it's over.

Sees the guy in the wheelchair and he goes, there it is. And he walked over and he gave him the money and my other buddy gave him the money. And then the fucking white kid in the orange shirt just flipped out. You look at a monkey fucking throwing his hands up in the, oh, what the fuck? But blah, blah, blah, he's stormed across the street. And, uh, I got to tell you, it made my fucking night. You know, I don't know, man, I'm reverse racist. When it comes to fucking beggars, you know what I mean?

You got to be pretty fucking filthy. You know, as a white person, you got to look like boxcar Willy. You know what I mean? You know, got to have like no teeth. You don't want people don't have any teeth that constantly chewing. You got to look like that, you know, maybe a stick with a handkerchief and a fucking stale sandwich in there. Then all day, I'll help you out.

All right. But if you're in your twenties, come on, you know, am I wrong here? You're a fucking white kid. You're a white guy in your twenties, living in the United States of America. I used to do a bit about this. You're fucking crushing it. You know, crushing it. Go home, go home, you know, sell your fucking skateboard, dude.

I don't know what you fucking want from me. Unless they, you know what, if they says homeless vet, then I do it. I rack veteran or something. Then I give the money if it's a white dude, you know, so there you go. People who are pretending to be homeless, but not or whatever, you're rebelling against your rich parents, all you need to do to get me. It's just put on a pair of fatigues, get them a little bit dirty and then act like you were in Iraq, even though you weren't, and I'll give you the money.

There you go. That's how it works. Someone else probably fucking me. He just had a douchey face. It just bugged me. He just, he just, he looked fine. He looked fine. He looked fine.

Maybe he was in the beginning of drug addiction. His rich parents just threw him out. So he had all his new clothes. I don't fucking know. I don't know. Was that mean? Was that awful? All right.

In other news, what's going on in the world of nothing matters or whatever the fuck I usually say, the world of absolutely nothing. So Tom Brady's going to appeal this suspension, of course. By the way, I want somebody in the last 40 years of me watching sports. I want somebody to fucking find something in the last 40 years. A more, something dumber to get suspended for. Four fucking games. All right.

So the Patriots are going to appeal it, obviously. The Patriots actually just sat down and wrote a 20,000 word report in rebuttal to this Wells report. I mean, how many fucking trees are we going to cut down and chop down over this fucking horseshit before everybody just admits that your mercy is a fucking baby? You know what I mean? So now Goodell, who's just every time he should zig, he fucking zags.

So Brady's going to appeal it and Roger Goodell is going to be the arbitrator. It's a fucking joke. It was a witch hunt from day one and now you got a kangaroo court. It's fucking hilarious. You're going to arbitrate the fucking thing that that's like a farm fucking suing you and then I'm going to be the judge. Who do you think is going to win? It's the dumbest shit ever.

I think this is actually going to end up in a real court at which point it will be laughed out and it'll be over. Now, I think they could still could suspend them because the corporations are allowed to have, you know, rules within the rules of society. So I mean, shit, they could, they, they want to, they want to, they want to, they wanted to, they could say you could never play football again. Cause at the end of the day, it is a corporation that Tom Brady works for. It's absolute fucking bullshit though.

And what I'm really enjoying is the people that are taking it seriously, that are really looking at like, yeah, dude, he is a fucking cheater. Like this whole thing is in complete horseshit. What's great about it is it's always those mouth, breathing moron. I haven't found one intelligent fan that I have talked to that actually thinks that this isn't fucking stupid. You know, who thinks this is fucking real people who go to fucking sports bars. And I know Patriots fans go to sports bars too.

And I know that there's the mouth, breath and fucking moron demographic of the Patriots fan base, but I'm to all those other ones from the 31 other teams because they fucking hate the Patriots, those people who go all day, all day, you know, fucking high five and we're in a goddamn Jersey with fucking hot wing sauce, all over your fucking goatee, those dopes, those mandated dopes, they, they will forever say that they're fucking cheaters. But you know what, I'm fine with it cause they're fucking morons. But I'll tell you right now, Tom Brady, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all

time is being fucking railroaded on such a ridiculous fucking level. They're just ignoring everything. They're ignoring that they don't have any fucking evidence. All they have is circumstantial horseshit. They're ignoring the fact this guy over inflates. This guy heats up the ball quarterbacks from the past that got the fucking jets quarterback came out. He's fucking going on and on and on about how he used to do that all the fucking

time and that guy sucked, didn't make him play any better. Jesus Christ. Why don't you fucking, I don't know, I know, I've been talking about this three times in a row, but I'll continue to talk about it because I think it's absolute fucking horseshit. Obviously, if you didn't fucking realize it by now that I think it's absolute bullshit. Um, so anyways, with that, with that fucking half a cut hair of air out of

the ball and that's why you lost by 38 points. Really? That's all I need to do to start throwing strikes when I get out there. Good fucking Lord. Good. Let's like finding somebody in the NBA for cheating because of what the level that he wears is socks. Well, he had his socks too low.

That's why you hit those fucking 12, three point is to fucking beat us. Give me a break. Jim Ursay is the biggest fucking baby, baby fucking owner ever. Get that guy a fucking pass of fire. We lost. There must be something wrong with the rules. Somebody change him. Oh, wait, I sit on the rules committee.

I think I'll change him. All right. Here we go. Let's do a couple of reads here for the week. Ah, fuck. I'm starting to get fucking congested here. Starting to get fucking congested here. All right.

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All right, it's official. I got a cold. God damn it. You always lie to yourself like you're fighting it off, right? Well, it takes them emergencies. The most the little cotton in whatever the fuck it's called. I'm doing a big glass. Oh, Jay, I put on a wool hat.

Yeah, once I got you, got you. What a fucking moron. Who the fuck does all these shows? I wasn't taking any vitamins. Fucking hilarious. You know, my mom said this morning, I said, my mother's like, Hey, how you doing? You know, Hey, how you doing? What's going on?

This is the mom morning podcast. She says, Hey, how you doing? I said, Oh, you know, I caught a cold. I've caught a cold. You know what she said to me? She said, uh, well, what did you think was going to happen? See that right there? It's all you need to know about me.

That's what she said. Not one of those, oh, I'm sorry. You want some fucking cookie? Mookie fucking hot cocoa. She just fucking gave it to me straight. Well, what'd you think it was going to happen? You know, it was missing was your fucking dope. You've been going out till four in the morning every night for fucking 10 days.

What'd you think was going to happen? She's always been like that. And it always bugged me, but I realized as an adult, it really helped me out. You know, when I watch other guys walking around, you know, who had like moms that hugged them and shit, the littlest thing they get flustered. You know, I'm on a two face, right? They try to marry some woman that's going to be their next mom. You know, you got to have one of those moms.

It's got a little bit of ice in her veins every once in a while, right? Like I remember when I was a kid, I had this piece of shit truck, right? It was nice, but I kept it forever because I was smart. And I knew that I didn't want to work for somebody else. And one of the quickest ways to working for somebody else for the rest of your life is to buy a new car when you're in your twenties. You know, when you can quote, afford the payment, I got news for you. You can't afford the payment if you have a dream.

All right. And I had a dream to tell shit jokes for 19 nights in a fucking 10 nights in a row. So anyway, so my truck wasn't quick, wasn't starting. All right. And I fucking called her up from this little packy store. I called her up. I was like, mom, I was like, I think I was like 19 or 20. I was like, mom, my truck won't start.

I turned the keys to the starter and I got to go here and my truck won't start. But blah, blah, blah, blah, it did the whole fucking hissy fit for a minute. And then she just goes, there was a pause and she just goes, well, what would you have me do? Just being like, oh shit. All right. I guess that's right. She is not a mechanic.

I think I need to get the fuck out the yellow pages and look up a fucking tow truck. That's what I had to do. That's what we had to do back in the day, children. It wasn't all at our fingertips. You're fucking babies with your smartphones. We had to take out a fucking, the yellow pages, knowing full well that most likely the page you want had been torn out by some dope. That was the thing where I need the number.

I can't remember it and they would tear it out for whatever fucking reason. Then he had to, you know, he had to go go inside and buy a pack of gum that you didn't even want or a candy bar. So you could have changed for the phone and then you fucking called up. You know, it's not hilarious. I'm acting like I worked on a farm. We had to look a phone number up in a book that was right there next to a phone. Then we had to get a sweet treat to have changed to make a phone call.

Hey, I'll tell you it was rough, you know, a fucking far off, you know, we've gone from people talking about coming over here in boats to the fucking depression, the dust bowl, world war, right? To me talking about sitting at a payphone and buying a pack of juicy fruit. No, it was really hard. Anyways, so where the hell am I? I don't know. I'm going to go to fucking GNC and I know it's go talk to some

righted up psycho is going to try to tell me, did it all naturally. You got to, you know, well, you got to, you got to, you're getting a cold, bro. You're getting a cold. I got it for you. Here's a giant tub of fucking powder and some psychos fucking put together that does not have to go through the FDA. Why don't you put this through your veins? And you know what?

I'm going to do it. I might as well because I'm hanging out with a bunch of buddies of mine tonight that I started out with, uh, you know, after the shows are done, um, I've been having so much fun this week. I keep having Verzi and Dan Smith, uh, guy started out with, he's been opening for a couple of shows that, uh, Verzi wasn't on and, um, they've both been like, Dan Smith remembers the rooms that I did. So I've been telling them, I go, give them my, my, you know, credits that they'll

know, you know, you might've seen them on fucking, I don't know, Letterman or something like that. And then the end, he'll, he'll say like, uh, you might've seen him on Letterman. You might've seen some of his specials on Netflix or, uh, you might've seen him at the 99 restaurant in Belle Ricca, Massachusetts back in the day. Um, no, that's a good topic. Anybody here in Massachusetts, some of the fucking places I used to work, I used to do the 99s in Belle Ricca on a Tuesday night.

John David used to host it. Um, I used to go up there, unknown Patrice, rest of soul, Dane Cook, Bobby Kelly, all of us used to go up there every fucking Tuesday. The nines going up to the nines, right? I remember it was in the middle of fucking nowhere too. You just drove down this hill. It's like they wiped out like 6,000 trees to put this fucking thing up. And, uh, I used to work that one, the comedy vault, the Dictority rooms, the

Aku Aku, there was one in, not in Cambridge. I don't know where the fuck it was. And then there was one out in Worcester. Um, all of that shit, all of that shit has been Kelly's, Kelly's something pub in, uh, in North Reading, I think it was on Reading. It was in Reading, Massachusetts, the first place I ever bombed. Um, and where I met a buddy of mine, Wayne Pravity. Um, so whatever, he's been doing that all week.

Um, there's always been people in the crowd, like some older people remember in those fucking rooms laughing off, fucking getting all stuffed up here. God damn it. Um, Oh yeah. I remember he stood those rooms down on Rhode Island. This guy, John Parado, I think it's coming out tonight. It was like the fuck, the first straight shooter I met. He's always, what's going on, brother?

John Parado, what's going on, brother? Listen, I got a room down here. I can pay you about 25 bucks. What do you say, brother? You come up, you knock it out. You're always doing a good job. All right. You'd be like, yeah, John, anything for you, man.

I need the money. I appreciate it. All right, brother, I'll see you when you get down there. He's like a former wrestler. What's going on, brother? John Parado, um, used to work for Bill Downs and they used to call him Bill. No money downs because you'd get there and he was struggling. He was one of these guys that was making a lot of money in the fucking, uh,

the big eighties and then, uh, him and his partner split and his partner fucked him over. And, uh, so he was, he was a good guy, but he was always scraping. He's trying to scrape the money together. And, uh, you know, he'd fucking owe you 50 bucks. You'd have to drive to his house and he'd be like, Hey, big guy, big guy. All right, I can give you like eight bucks. I can give you eight. He'd give you like eight dollars of it.

Like you'd have to go to his house like nine times to collect 30 bucks. It was fucking hilarious. Um, it wasn't at the time, but now when I look back, all of that shit was, yeah, a big guy, big guy. I don't tell you, big guy. And, um, I'm a one-time Greg Fitzsimmons was coming up from New York and he was closing one of this guy's rooms, right? And he'd already heard the rumors that he didn't pay.

So he fucking goes on. I think I already told the story of what I would tell it again. He fucking goes on right before he goes on stage for his final set. He says the downs. He said, Oh man, he goes, you know what? I forgot my watch, man. Can I borrow your watch so I don't go over and, you know, build downs like, ah, yeah, yeah, big guy, big guy.

Don't worry about it. There you go, big guy, right? And he gives it to him. It was a really nice fucking watch. So Greg goes up, crushes it, finishes his set and immediately just goes right out the door, jumps in his car and fucking drives back to New York. So the next day, Bill Downs calls him up and he goes, uh, he goes, Hey, big guy, big guy, he goes, you, uh, you left, man.

He goes, you got my watch and Greg goes, yeah, you got my check and there was a pause and then Bill goes, Oh, big guy. So he waited to the fucking thing cleared and then he sent him his watch back. It was fucking brilliant. The kind of shit that I never would have thought to fucking do. Um, so anyways, all of those stories have been coming back, you know, some of the guys who've been coming in town, hanging and we're just sitting there laughing, talking about all these fucking rooms we used to play in and, um, oh my God,

you'd go in there and there'd be like a Bruins game on and, uh, this is back, you know, they're still playing in the garden, Neely was playing and all of that shit. So, you know, they were the fucking second coming to the big bad Bruins. Every game was exciting. It was, it was, it was the early 90s. So the second golden age of hockey, it was just coming to a close where, um, you know, it was the perfect balance of physical play and just unbelievable goal

scores. Every team wasn't playing the trap. The players weren't fucking gigantic the way they are today. It was before the clutch and grab era. And, um, it was just awesome hockey. So every fucking game it seemed was great. A couple of great rushes, an unbelievable goal and a couple of fights. It was just the, it was the fucking greatest.

And, um, we'd go in and do stand up in these pubs and the people would have no idea there was a show. I just always remember there was always supposed to be a sign and the guy never hung it up and there'd just be some fucking awful. Ray, a fucking radio shack microphone or something. And they would just cut the sound off on, on the game. And right as people at the bar were going, Joe, what the fuck? Some of you be like, Hey, everybody, welcome, welcome to the first, uh, the

first comedy night here at a sucker punch bar in fucking South Boston. Um, we're going to try to do this every week and be able to shut the fuck up. And you just be sitting there hanging your head going, all right, here we go. Got to take my lumps and, um, but it was great. Like the comradery that you had with the other comics that you started out with doing those fucking hell rooms, as they were called, um, it was funny. It was how you went up and you learned how to hold, how to keep your composure standing in front of a room full of people that hated you.

It's the only way to learn how to do that, unless you're blessed is to stand in front of a room full of people that hate you over and over and over again throughout the first, I don't know how many years, you know, until you fucking move up and you don't have to do them anymore. And, um, it's an unbelievable skill to be able to, to do well. And in a hell room, like I haven't had to do those fortunately for a while. And I can guarantee you that if you put me up in one and nobody knew who I was, I would, I would fucking eat my dick.

I would because they wouldn't give a fuck and my skills to get them to, to give a fuck would, would not be sharp like they need to be. So, uh, you know, these fucking theater gigs, if they're, they're layups, you know, they're not like, they're not like they used to be, you know, anyway. So, um, let's get to some of the questions here for the week. Oh, Billy head cold here. All right. What a MMP content.

All right. Guy guy who forgets his girlfriend's name. How high can you fly? You never, never reach the, why is that in my fucking skypile? Oh, I know why. Cause I've had serious radio all week. Um, all right. Tons of replies and tweets about the email last week from the guy who forgot

the girl's name. He met this chick. He fucking really liked her. He couldn't remember his fucking name, her name, and he, he waited too long to ask her. So now he doesn't know what to do. So here's what they say. These, somebody said, ask her to spell it.

Oh dude, that's like, that's not even a 50 50 roll of the dice. How do you spell your name? Name Jen J E N. Oh, there's not two ends. How do you spell? Hey, how do you, how do you spell your name again? A M Y Amy. If she has an easy fucking name, it's going to, you know, and a regular

NAS last name, you know, Amy Clark, what Clark could have the E and there's another one, ask her for her email address, um, sign back up for Facebook. That's what I said, uh, wait till she texts you and say, I lost all my numbers. Who is this? Oh, that has potential. Ask her straight up straight up now to ask her straight up and tell her that her name never mattered because it was his soul and that he was in love with no, her soul was what you should say.

Ask her straight up and tell her her name never mattered because it was her soul that I can feel every woman listening to this cringing on that one. That's like, uh, hey, somebody, you know, must have taken the stars out of the skies and put them in your fucking eyeballs cause, uh, I'm seeing the big dip up. What the fuck you say? What are those dumb lines? Huh?

Those stupid fucking one liners that never work. Hey, did you ever go to the Grand Canyon? Cause your cleavage is fucking off the hook with the stars in your eyes. I can never remember shit like that. Like I can never remember street jokes. I always laugh my ass off. Two guys going to a bar and I can never fucking remember it the same way I can't remember.

It's gotta be one of those one line as I can remember. Um, Hey, heaven must be missing an angel cause, uh, I'd like to fuck that hell out of you. I'm sorry. I don't know how they go. I don't fucking, I don't remember. Hey, you know what? I'm looking at you and I, I don't know.

I like you and I, I want to be on you. I want to be on you. The fuck would I say to a woman? I've been fucking tied up for so goddamn long. What in God's name would I say to a woman if I walked into a bar? Hey, look, I know I'm old. I know don't stop walking away. I have to say it in a nicer way.

Hey, I know what sweetie you have. Uh, you want to happen to have dad issues? I want to do this. This is a good YouTube video. The worst fucking pickup lines you could come up with. You just have a fucking, you might yourself up and you just hit on women in the worst fucking way, you know, you want a friend of yours and then you have like a point, you have a point system.

All right. Okay. If they get up and walk away, that's one point. Whoever gets the most points wins. All right. And the whole thing is to be funny. You're not actually trying to pick them up. All right.

So is the game. All right. If they get up and walk away, that's one point. If they throw a drink in your face, that's two. If they slap you, that's four. No, that's three. Well, whatever. Here's a point system.

I think you should get a roll of the eyes. Maybe roll of the eyes is one point. All right. Um, if she does like that fucking like, yeah, don't talk to me. Whatever the fuck they say, when they make that face and their mouth gets shaped all weird, like, like they're going to get when they make that fucking look, we'll say maybe that's worth the full point. Right.

And then however you have it, the fuck you want to work it. All right. And then you get enough of you doing it. And then draftkings.com will fucking let you bet on it. All right. Pick 10 knuckleheads without going over the salary cap. Right. Somebody last week won $30.

Um, I can't tell you that's, that is a fun thing to fucking do. We used to do that shit back in the day when we would just walk up and like, it was almost like this weird thing. It was sort of a defeatist thing, but in a way it got you to get over your fear of approaching women. And the key is to just go up to women. You don't give a shit about and just do that and just practice just getting over like feeling stupid and just say stupid shit.

Oh my God. We used to do that down in Daisy Buchanan's back in the day. What the fuck were we doing down there? You know, one night we hung out, right? Um, this guy came in Johnny Hickey who made this movie called oxymorons. That you should check it out on Netflix, man. It's really good fucking underground movie that a lot of people, uh, you know, don't know about.

And, uh, community and I know Patty Ross fucking crushed it in that movie, but he came by and, um, so we, we hung out with him that night and went to one of those fucking meat market dance clubs. Right. Just hilarious. It was a bunch of fucking old guys. We were all laughing. They stuck us in this VIP room and, uh, it was in the back totally secluded.

There's all these gorgeous young women and fucking people, good looking guys, all dancing to shit. We will go through this rat maze to go to this VIP area where God knows how many fucking orgies ever happened. And we're just sitting in there, you know, three married guys, two guys in like AA, so the ladies come in, right? The fucking waitresses, you know, dressed all hot and they'd looking at us. They come in like, Hey, I'm looking at us.

And I think one of us ordered a seven up by the end, one of them was just sitting down talking to us about comedy. It was fucking pathetic. But anyways, Verzi had left his phone over at the Wilbur theater and they had locked the place up. So I called one of the guys and fortunately he was still in there, settling up some shit. So I ran over there to help him.

And as we're walking back to the club, I was going, Jesus Christ, Verzi, look at these women here. My God, I don't remember Boston having this many good looking women, right? Fucking thick thighs, Clydesdales walking down the street, just crushing it. Right. And I said, as I said it to Verzi, we were walking into the club and these two girls sitting on a curb crying, he goes, yeah, that beautiful. He goes, you know, most of them, most of them are crying.

And I go, that's cause they're trying to find love in these clubs, fucking dopes, right? And we just started fucking dying laughing because you're looking around at all of these, uh, the type of guys that go in there. You know what I mean? Those guys who actually take selfies, actually I take selfies in front of sports things, but you know, the duck lip guys and who do the fucking peace sign. You know what I mean?

And get their eyebrows shaped. What are you, what are you going in there for? Like you're going to find, you're going to find a meaningful relationship. Yeah. You're not going to find anybody in there. You got to, you got to join like a fucking like volleyball, volleyball or softball league, you know, that's where you're going to find a good guy. Right.

Yeah. Granny's probably going to have some, some sort of a drinking problem. I actually, you know what? I don't know that I'd go to a softball league to meet a guy. I do that to meet a woman. Like if a woman was playing like softball or some shit, you know what I mean? Jesus, I just picture some girl just fucking grunting when she throw, just making the throw from third.

I have the worst ideas. Don't fucking listen to me. Whatever. But I can tell you right now, you're not going to find your wife or husband in one of those fucking dance clubs. Are you? Yeah. You're going to have your shoes off crying in the gutter and you deserve it.

You don't deserve it unless you keep going back and forth trying to find it. All right. Let me read a couple of these fucking things here. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of this. All right. Here we go. The classic everybody stamps.com.

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help is here. All right. So anyways, I didn't mention in that, I believe, oh, I don't believe that. Um, I didn't mention at one point that the, um, ah, shit, what the fuck? Oh yeah, I've been going out after every show, you know, signing the posters and shaking hands and everything and everybody's been fucking great. I do have to tell you though, there's some people out there that don't know how to shake a hand and I'm not talking about the limp, limp, the dead fish handshake.

I'm not talking about the lobster claw, like you're helping me out of a carriage on prom night. I'm not talking about either one of those. I'm talking about the guy when he goes to shake hands, he fucking brings his hand way out to his side, pauses and then just fucking like 90 miles an hour, grabs your hand almost like fucking rip your arm out of your socket. It's like the fucking handshake version of Charles Barkley's golf swing where it goes up to the top and it stops for a second and then fucking follows through.

The, every show there's like one guy who does that and I'm hoping I'm talking to somebody right now who does that. Don't do that. You shake somebody's hand, you look them in the eye, you reach out, okay. Point A to point B, firm handshake and then you let go. That's it. You don't bring your fucking hand out and try to fucking grab it and then grab it at a weird fucking angle and then pull it towards you as you shake it.

You're fucking dope. I swear to God, I'm going to say something tonight if somebody does that. Dude, what is, what is your like fucking, that's like those guys that just they can't handle like, like, oh, I'm going to touch another guy. Oh, I got to get all tensed up. Fucking yanking the goddamn thing drives me up the fucking wall. I'm actually debated bringing that up to you guys because God knows somebody's going to do it on purpose and think they're funny.

Oh, I'm trolling you. Whatever the fuck these fucking kids do nowadays, whatever. It is worth it. If I can just get one person to just stop doing that, just fucking relax. Point A to point B, firm handshake, you let go and it's over. All right. There you go. You're going to try to get your business off the ground walking around fucking yanking

people's arms out of their sockets like Jam Band guy did to that fucking love dude on the Cavaliers. By the way, I think the Cavaliers are going to win the championship and I can say that because I've sort of overheard what's been going on. Now I'm picking the Cavaliers to win the NBA championship and I'm picking the Ducks to win the Stanley Cup. But I can say that having to spend the last fucking 10 days underground, underground, as far as being a sports fan, I haven't watched any games.

I got nothing. I got nothing, you know, I'm working the entire time the games are on the early games and late games. And then at night when I come home, my parents are asleep in front of the TV watching Fox News. So, you know, there you go. Oh, hey, did anybody see that fucking in Waco, Texas? Those rival bike gangs, like some 20 on 20 gunfight and like nine guys died.

And there was all these innocent people around there. I got to tell you, I got to admit something as a white guy. When I saw the picture afterwards of how they had them all rounded up and the cops were standing there with their backs to him. Finally, somebody said like, I hope I can find it on Facebook. I was just talking about how because they're white, they just had them sitting there. These people in it was one of those things. I don't give a fuck how much of a douche you are.

You have to agree with it. It was fucking ridiculous. These guys just had a 20 on 20 fucking gun battle. All right. And a goddamn, a fucking mall area, what a restaurant. There's all these innocent people, right? And what do they do? They just have them sitting there.

Dude, a couple of them were sitting there on their smartphones, texting. There was all these stab stabbing and all kinds of shit that happened. Sure. Dude, if those were fucking black guys, forget it. They probably would have shot all of them, or at least most of them. Got to admit, man, it was, it was pretty fucked up. Somebody wrote something, you know, their cops, their white. Those are their fucking police force.

They're fine. And I don't know. I don't think as a white dude, I can fucking argue that God knows I'm argumentative, but it was pretty fucking ridiculous that you can shoot up a goddamn restaurant, nine people die. And then afterwards you guys are all huddled in a corner, just sort of sitting there, you know, looking like you're waiting for a bus to take you back to your fort, whatever you're doing, your biker gang.

I don't know if anybody can find that. I would love to retweet it. I'm one of those old guys. It's how old I am. Actually, I love Facebook. I fucking love it, man. I love that they just skimmed the fucking news for me and I don't have to try and find it.

I like that young people hate it. Like, oh my God, you're still on Facebook? Yes, I am. Please, you and your DJ music go somewhere else. I love that I ruined your fun here by being the old guy on it. Where the fuck is it? Scrolling up. There's the only thing you can't find it after a while, you know?

What the fuck is this? Somebody asleep laying next to a Python. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Ah, fuck, I can't find it. What are you going to do when I got a fucking goddamn fucking cold now? God damn it, Bill. We're dope. All right.

Let's just read these things here for the rest of the rest of our time here on the podcast. All right, backbreaking jobs. Backbreaking jobs. Bill, I didn't get a chance to listen to Thursday's full podcast, but in the beginning I heard you ask, are there any backbreaking jobs left? Seeing as you live in Southern California and fly helicopters, I thought you might be interested in learning about hotshot crews if you weren't familiar with them.

They were formed in Southern California in the 1940s to fight wildfires. That job is about as backbreaking as it gets. Oh yeah. Yeah, I've seen that on the fuck. I've seen that on the news, seen it on the news, um, where they, uh, you know, they got like the full fucking fireman outfit on and they're just marching up a hill with a fire hose, like it's nothing, like it's nothing. And then they start a fire around where they're at to establish a perimeter.

Yeah. You know, I actually, I knew there was backbreaking jobs. I just couldn't think of any. So now we're going to learn about some, uh, because I'm not going to explain it in detail, but hotshots are some gnarly people and they put out the majority of large fires in the Western, uh, United States. It's a really cool, unique old school job. Um, I did it for many years based out of Northern California and had a blast, but

it was so fucking hard and it, it thrashed my body. I'm still fighting fires, but I ain't fucking with the hotshot lifestyle anymore. I don't think there are many jobs in the United States involving more intense manual labor than fighting fire on a hotshot crew. You should check out smoke jumpers too. Another really cool backbreaking job. Uh, there's some real cool videos and information online about what those folks do.

If you get time to look it up, I think you'll dig it. Um, Jesus Christ, dude, you're supposed to do that for me. You just got everybody all fucking interested and now you gave him homework. You gave me homework. All right, I'll fuck it. Yeah, I'll say, I'll look it up. That all depends if I even remember. Uh, he says, shit, bro, get your pilot's license.

And maybe someday you'll be dropping buckets of water on fires for some hotshots of smoke jumpers. Thanks, Billy. And go fuck is not a fuck Tom Brady's balls. He said, dude, there's no fucking way I would do that. I'm a weekend warrior. I'm not going to go flying into smoke and shit. Get all freaked out, you know, spatial disoriented, whatever the fuck it is.

I can't see the horizon. Um, from a lady from a lady, Bill, I love your stuff. Um, but were you this angry over that dog, murdering psycho, Vic being allowed back in the NFL? Um, no, because he fucking spent two years in Leavenworth prison. You know, a Brady suspension is certainly one of the organization's lesser offenses. What do you mean? I thought the Patriots, what else do we have?

What else suspension do we have? Spy gate 15 fucking years ago. What do we have before that? We got nothing. We got one fucking suspension in the 50 years of a franchise. Jesus fucking Christ. Were you this angry over that dog, murdering psycho? Yeah, I have a pit bull.

What the fuck do you think? I thought it was disgusting. And then they gave him two years in Leavenworth, Leavenworth fucking prison. There's murderers and rapists in there. The guy's career, he was never the same, never came back as a healthy starter or anything. It completely fucked his whole life up. What else more, what else more did you want done to Michael Vic?

Well, that was an easy one. No, I was, I was absolutely thrilled. I wasn't, I was, I wasn't angry at Michael Vic. That was like, I was, I was sick over it. I was sick, fucking confused how anybody could fucking do that. And then, you know, I don't know, two years sitting in a fucking jail cell, Leavenworth prison. Yeah.

I mean, I would say that he paid the fucking price, you know, that's going to follow him for the rest of his fucking life. And, you know, I mean, I don't, what else did you want done to the guy? I know you're one of those psycho dog lovers, right? Fucking drown him and shoot him in the fucking head. You know, one of those people. All right. That is a junk food addict.

I hate that, by the way, like when you fucking flip out of some fucking bullshit like that, and then somebody's going to bring up something else. You know, well, what about the fucking moon coming closer to the earth? Isn't that more important? It's like, yeah, but you know, we weren't talking about that. Were we? Well, actually, no, that's a bad example, because that would be fucking something in the present if that was actually happening.

Right? This was something that happened. The guy got caught. He went to jail. He lost, he lost his career and spent two years and 11 with prison. I thought it was done. I am one of those people, though. After that, and he went to jail for two fucking years.

I am one of those people's that then goes, all right, you paid the price. I'm not one of those guys who just goes, fuck you for fucking ever. You know, you know, these people who, you know, want to solve shit, but they punish people and then they never take them off punishment and never give them a chance to fucking try to put their life back together. Um, all right, dad is a junk food addict. All right. Hey, Billy Berry balls.

Um, every week on the podcast, I hear you talk about the salt, sugar, fat cycle is as addictive as any drug and I 100% agree. Um, I don't know if it's as addictive as heroin. Obviously God knows I didn't do a study, but I know it's, it, it's the same kind of thing. He goes, I'm trying to make, um, I'm trying to make, uh, what am I, where am I? I'm trying to make good dietary decisions in my own life, but I'm worried about my dad.

Every time I visit home, I see him plowing through shells of Oreos, steaks, pasta, and an unthinkable amount of soda. He's in his sixties type one diabetic and overweight, yet he does nothing to improve his diet. Every time I try to get him to eat something healthy or even keep the lettuce and tomato and the cheeseburger, he gives me a response. You'd expect from an alcoholic who's been cut off from the bar. He goes, I've tried to eat healthy.

Oh, Jesus Christ. My brother's fucking over here practicing his clarinet. I'm fucking from the most crazy family ever. Um, he gives me a response. You'd expect from an alcoholic who's been cut off at the bar. I've tried to eat healthy in front of him. I've voiced my concerns. I've even made fun of him, but eventually he eats what he wants.

He's the guy who raised, he's the guy who raised me and he's playing for the, and he's paying for the groceries. So it's hard to sway him, especially when he's so stuck in his ways. What can I do to get him to eat healthy once in a while? Oh, Jesus. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. That's a, uh, definitely.

Let me shut the door here when my brother plays the horn here. Fucking unbelievable. That's the family I come from though. You know, he's a fucking sick ass guitar player, and then you just got to move on to the next thing. All right. Now I'm going to fucking go after the clarinet. I don't know.

You know, it's your fucking life, whatever you want to do. Um, what was the question? Um, he's, what can I do to get him to eat healthy once in a while? Uh, write him a letter. All right. I think he's, he's one of those guys you can't come at him like that. Just tell him, you know, give him some stats and just tell him he's going to fucking die and you don't want him to die because you love him.

I would do that, you know, and then it's up to him. Okay. And then you can feel good if something bad happens that you actually, you know, you, you, you fucking tried, try to get him to go for walks or something. Cause that's not going to end well, man. I had a friend who was a diabetic and he's no longer, he's no longer around man. It's a fucking brutal thing, but, uh, yeah, it's hard to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. So I, I, whenever I'm, you know, I've had people like that in my life and I always went with the letter

and I always found the letter was a great way because they can read it when they want to sit down and read it. They're by themselves. They're not, you're not looking at them when they're doing it. So they can actually maybe have their guard down a little bit and take it in because it sounds like, you know, your dad is defensive or he's set in his ways and all of that shit. And, um, I don't know. I don't know. Um, that's fucking stat.

It sucks. It definitely just, that's a very difficult thing to do. You know, I've had people that, you know, problems with booze. I should fucking talk 10 day goddamn bender. Right. Um, but, uh, yeah. I go with the letter, man. I go with the letter and good luck to you because they got to be receptive to it.

Um, you know, fuck, what are you going to do? Yeah, that brings back some bad memories. Um, all right, let's send in a positive note though. Uh, I just got a, I just got a tweet from the one man thrill ride. We got a picture back in the dressing room. Man, this fucking guy is hilarious. Um, what does he say? Awesome.

I mean, Bill Burr last night, new material was gold. Joe Bartnick, Paul Verzi crushed it too. Great night. Yeah, man. It was a fucking sick night. Sick night here. And before, you know, next time I talk, this one's going to be over and I'll have a cold and who, you know what?

It was fucking worth it. I want to thank everybody who's come out to the shows. Everybody bought the posters, even came by and said hello. Even those people who don't know how to shake hands. Thank you for coming out. I don't think I'll ever do this again. Um, you know, 19 shows at one fucking place. It was a hell of a run.

I did it. And if somebody breaks the record, God bless you. It's all for you. You know, it's yours, dude. I don't want it. I don't want to try to come back. Thanks again to, uh, let me say this right. Uh, Jesse's customdesign.com for that unbelievable goalie mask that you made for me.

Uh, thank you, Jesse. I swear to God, I'll have that thing forever. I'll just go and write my office in the most prominent place I can find. And, uh, thanks to the thrill ride for coming down. Uh, good luck with your big audition coming up. I know you're going to crush it. And, uh, good luck to Roger Goodell. You know, I know he's got a tough case coming up where he's on one side of it and he's judging it.

Uh, good luck to you, Roger. I hope you were able to somehow, you know, really bring the hammer down, you know, really bring the hammer down to two games for fucking knocking out your fiance and, uh, in an elevator, but four games for letting a cunt hair of air out of a ball and a 38 point loss. You know, why don't you look at ESPN study where they show it was a disadvantage for fuck's sakes. Whatever. What are you going to do? All right. That's it. You know, not to say that what Michael did was Vic did with Leather.

Uh, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday when I'm just checking in on you.