Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-19-14

Episode Date: May 20, 2014

Bill rambles about the NHL, Nashville, and White People with dreads.

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Welcome to another edition of this... I don't know what the fuck it is. It's a goddamn podcast, alright? What are you doing right now? Are you at the gym? That's what somebody told me recently. You always think we're at cubicles. We're not in cubicles. Some of us are on treadmills. What are all the people on treadmills? You're running at this point and you're just starting. Are you just starting on your treadmills? On your treadmill, I should say? Unless you're running on more than one. Are you at that douche? Is the douche?

The treadmill douche in the gym right now? You know that person who for some reason... Do you burn more calories when you go backwards? Or is that some sort of mating ritual where you get your balls sent? You're fucking blown the other way. And that somehow attracts the women on the elliptical behind you. I don't know what it is. You ever see these fucking jerk-offs? They run backwards, then they go sideways. Because they're going to have a lot of lateral movement in the fucking office. You never know when the boss is going to call an audible and start pointing to your side of the fucking cubes, right?

Like you're turning around, yelling at a cornerback, down in the fucking break room. What are you running sideways for? Why are you running backwards? You fucking douche and then you fall and you break your tailbone. And who do you sue? Huh? Chicago fitness? Whatever the fuck you at? Whatever the fuck you at? Whatever the fuck you're at? Sorry. Alright? You know what? I have to admit something and I have to apologize to the people of Chicago. When I pictured somebody in Chicago running backwards, I pictured, you know, a fat guy with a mustache and a bear's hat. You guys really have never outlived that sketch in my, I guess, in my world.

You know, dead bears. And I know nobody says that there. They might say a version of it, but nobody says that. But for me, you guys are always going to be those guys. I mean, you probably shouldn't give a fuck what I think. But you know, somewhere, somewhere, there's somebody in Chicago that does give a shit. You give a shit. You know what you guys need to do to lift just fucking self-esteem out there with that whole second city horseshit? The next generation of babies that are born and instead of telling them it's Lake Michigan, just tell them it's an ocean. Michigan ocean of some shit. And maybe you'll have the arrogance of someone who lives on the coast and people will start taking you seriously.

What are you going to say right now, Chicago? Huh? Oh, what about our Chicago Blackhawks? Talking. You're not controlling finance like they are in New York City. How many old people are you stealing from in Chicago right now? The way they are in downtown Manhattan. I'm just fucking with you. I know Chicago is one of the most corrupt fucking cities out there. You got to give it respect. Overtly racist, fucking with the finance, home of some of the fucking top mob guys throughout history. And they got the Chicago Blackhawks who I will tell you, I don't think anybody's fucking stopping them, but I'll get to that later. If you're the banging downstairs, as you said, slowly but surely, I'm getting the fucking house repaired. I know what you think about it. Jesus Christ, the fuck speaking of Lake Michigan, when did that water pour into your house?

That was like over a year ago. Yes, it was. And it fixed the upstairs, but the downstairs was built like a fucking tree fort. So what I decided to do was rather than just rebuild what the fuck was there, I decided to knock it all out and start from scratch and build what the fuck should have been there. And if anybody knows me and they look at the dick jokes in my act, you can tell the level of quality that I expect from that job downstairs. Hey, is the podcast loud enough right now? Everybody complains, make my fucking ears hurt right now. How loud I have this turned up? I think I have it down. I don't know what the fucking deal is. I hope it's not going to be overly loud, but every week somebody goes, dude, I can't even fucking hear the dick. So anyways, this was my week. I guess I got to talk about NHL first, because the first thing before all the bullshit is I watched my boss, my Boston boys. Absolutely fucking blow it against the Montreal Canadians. I'm just going to pause here for all the effeminate French guys clapping their hands together like they're playing patty cake with themselves, you know, with your colorful socks. Unbelievable. That was so fucking embarrassing to lose that series. It was so fucking like the way we lost it. It's not embarrassing to lose to the Canadians, it sucks, but that was the first time in a long time.

I'm going to go back to the 80s that I felt that it like embarrassed. Turning point in the series, I'm going to say, Sean Thornton spraying the water at fucking PK Subon. Why would you do that? Why would you fucking do that? For those of you who don't watch hockey, we were down two games to one and they won the first game. So immediately we lost home, home ice advantage, whatever the fuck that means, right? So we went game two, now it's one, one, we go into their building, they win game two, they're holding serve. So we come in, we got to win game four, we fucking win it. Game five, can we take control of the fucking series? We win game five. As Paul Verzi told me, Joe Tory said the two most important games to win in a seven game series, he felt was game two and game five, which totally makes sense because if you lost game one, you have to win game two or else you got to win four the next five. You got to even that motherfucker, right? And then game five, you win game five, all you got to do is win one of two. If you lose game five, you got to win six or seven. Bill, it's simple math. Well, believe it or not, some people don't know it. So we win game five. There's two and a half minutes to go. They're dejected. The Canadians are dejected. They had the series by the fucking proverbial balls over there and they let the Bruins right back in it and now they're on the verge of fucking elimination. So what do we do? What do we do? Fuckheads that we were one of the people on our team decides to not only for no fucking reason spray water at not only somebody on the other team, their best fucking player, the player that the other people probably rally around because he's fucking the best guy in the fucking team. We spray water in his goddamn face. The dumbest fucking thing. You ever remember those old Batman episodes in the 1960s where they'd have the guy off Batman and Robin is this fit for our caped crusaders?

But blah, blah, blah, they will look like they were fucking dead and the bad guy always did fucked it up somehow. That was the moment right there. That was the fucking moment. He sprays it in there. So then you knew. You knew they were going to come out like gangbusters. I said it last week. I didn't think that they were going to win game six. I didn't think we'd get pummeled four games, four goals to four to nothing. That's what happened. They completely dominated wire to fucking wire dominated that fucking game. So then we go down to game seven and I didn't have a vibe. Either way, are we going to win? Are we going to lose? I didn't know. But it's not like the old days when the Canadians fucking owned us. They don't. They haven't since fucking 1987, despite what these fucking idiots will write because they're lazy sports writers. Not only is it been even, we've actually had the better of it for the last fucking 30 years or so. So, you know, it was a 16 fucking league with an expansion six was the tail end of that horseshit. All right, can we get over it already? Jesus, today I could share myself enough already. It's fucking over. He's dead and so is everybody else that watched him give that speech. Anyways, they're probably not but it gives a fuck. So we go into game seven and it's the usual shit. I don't think I can remember a series where we missed more fucking open nets, hit more crossbars. We were like, I don't know what happened. I don't know what the fuck happened. A couple of our guys couldn't at the side of a fucking barn. I still love them. I don't think they need to shake up the team.

I love that shit. Whenever you lose a series, those, you know, some, some decisions have to be made. You've got to make some like, like, you don't have a, what happened? We had a bad fucking series. So anyways, the game ends and then in a handshake line, Luke Sheets is telling a couple of, he told a couple, he's supposed to just go through the line. And no matter what grit your teeth, say good game, good game. Congratulations. Good luck in the next round, whatever the fame and, you know, you were great. You got the better of me. Whatever the fuck you're supposed to say. But Luke Sheets did that for a couple of players and then a couple of other players. He said, I'm going to fucking kill you, which you're not supposed to do. And I just, I just wasn't a good look. The whole thing, you know, it's funny. It's kind of ironic that I made fun of how the bad boys, the bad boy pistons, the fucking cheap shot artists, how they fucking went out and they ended up not being bad boys. They went out like punks when they didn't shake the bull's hands or whatever the fuck they were playing. I don't want you when they walked off. I thought we had elements of that. Not saying everybody. Charo was a fucking warrior. He was obviously hurt. The guy looked like me on skates by game seven.

He was literally falling down out there. But whatever, man, I don't like that shit. I don't like the water bottle. I don't like that saying that shit in the line. So, and actually in a weird way, ease the fucking pain because I'm not one of those fans that fucking hates that behavior until people on my team do it. I just, I don't know. I didn't fucking like it. And even if it worked, I didn't like it. Let's say it worked and we won the series. I don't fucking like that shit. So anyways, congratulations to the Canadians. Definitely deserved it. And as much as I hate people saying, you know, real classy, they actually won with class. And, you know, I didn't have a problem with the guy mocking Lou Cheech's fucking pounding of his chest when he scored an empty net goal. I mean, you got to think someone's going to give you shit for that and you don't let it get under your skin. And I think they got under his skin. I still love the guy. I'm not shitting on him, but they, they got the better of you. And we lost. So there you go. And that's how it works. So now the blue Blanque Rouge are now playing the fucking Canadians and they got fucking smoked in the first one.

But that doesn't mean shit. It's just one loss. How many coaches have you heard say, I tell you, I don't care. It's 72. 72 is the only count for one loss. All we can do is try to learn something from this loss and go in the second game and try to get about this one, which is what I think they're going to do. And my apologies to Ranger fans because there's just something about you. I don't hear that banging. There you go. That's the guys downstairs. I just, I don't fucking, I just, I don't believe in the Rangers. There, I said it. Obviously, I believe in your gold tender. I believe in the energy that Martin St. Martin St. Louis have the fuck you say his name. I believe in that shit. I just don't think you have enough weapons. And then also, I think you're very even with the Canadians despite that seven or two, I might eat crow. I did really well in the first round when the high seeds play the low seeds. Oh, I was picking them right and left. This just, I didn't watch a lot of the Rangers this year, but I'm going to go just with the history of both teams. The exact thing I told you to ignore when I was talking about the Canadians and Bruins, I'm now going to bring up the Canadians history because I think it applies in this one.

So send you fucking hate mail to me. I don't give a shit. I think it applies where they evenly fucking matched and because the Canadians have their history and their history of winning, their fan base expects them to win. And I've seen it in other sports. When you have a fan base that believes like that, they are able to sometime push a mediocre team up to a higher level. I'm not saying they're mediocre, but I think that they're going to, it's just going to be a different vibe there tonight when they play like the fans will have that vibe. We're not going to tolerate you going down. Oh, two, they just don't do it. Yankee stadium, old Yankee stadium had that sound. I'm still getting used to the new Yankee stadium. But the fans know the fucking game. They know what's on the line. They're the ones that the Yankee fans started that shit with two strikes. You start fucking clapping, right? They understand the fucking game. Canadian fans do the same. Ranger fans, great fans. I would actually say better fans than Canadians because they've put up with being a fucking Ranger fan. The thing about the Rangers, and you got to own up to this Ranger fan, maybe you don't have to, but I feel, don't you fucking, you are, if you're a true Ranger fan, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is the legacy of the New York Rangers. So it's a series like this where they finally turn it around. I guess, well, I guess they got to win another fucking cup because other than, you know, you know the deal.

I don't need to bring up your past stats. Other than 1994, I'll do it for people who don't watch hockey. Other than 1994, I mean, you're talking like a fucking, talking basically they've won one cup in 74 years. It's not a good look. Okay. The first, you know, 27 years of that, they were only competing with six other fucking, five other teams. Okay. So I just feel that the Canadians are going to be able to power their way through and somehow win the series. I hope it's a great series to original six teams. You got to love that. And then out in the West, you got the fucking Blackhawks original six, first in expansion six with the the LA Kings. And I feel that that is the Stanley Cup final right there. Whoever wins that, I don't know how evenly matched they are. I think the Kings might have been a little tired in that first game. It was only three to one. But I don't know, I said it a while back to fucking, it's the Blackhawks to lose. I think they have a little bit of a tough time with the Kings. And then they just fuck up either the Canadians or the Rangers. That's what I think. Now, if you're fans of the other teams, you should be real excited right now because I don't think I've been right since the first fucking round.

Okay. All right. So there's my hockey, my hockey speak for the week. Oh, it rhymed. Holy shit. Hey, can I hype a couple of things right now? Well, you have no fucking choice. You got to listen to it. The All in Comedy Tour, the Monday morning podcast presents the All in Comedy Tour. They're going to be at Hilarity's Comedy Club, one of my favorite comedy clubs, one of my favorite club owners, Nick Costas, working there. And did I say his name right? I know Nick Costas and then I know Nick Costas. One of them pronounces it the wrong fucking way. One does the real Greek way. So I say the real Greek ways and I just fucked the whole fucking thing up. Anyways, Hilarity's Comedy Club. I do not spell his name. How about that? Is that good enough? They're going to be there May 28th through June 1st for seven shows. Paul, dude, I called it Verzi. Paul, I'm not from New Jersey, Verzi. I had a fucking doorbells ringing. Hang on. All right, I'm back. You know what's funny?

It was just somebody's fucking person coming to the door soliciting. Just sitting there going like, hey, good evening, sir. Good afternoon, sir. I'm from the fucking blah, blah, blah. I try to raise money for underprivileged kids. I'm actually in the middle of a business call. I have to get back. I didn't even get through and he just goes, all right. What was that movie where that guy, Verzi was just talking about, where the guy's actually a salesman and somebody calls his house and he does basically the same thing and the guy gives up and he just goes, that's it? That's your pitch? This is how you're selling it? And he fucking gets the guy all amped up to give him his pitch again. He goes, dad, and that's his sales call. The guy's like, so do you want the paper? He's like, no. And he fucking hangs up on him. I know I've seen that movie. Anyways, I was hyping up hilarities, May 28th through June 1st, the all in comedy tour. See them while you still can, all on the same stage.

This is like when the temptations were actually the temptations. Paul, don't say I'm from New Jersey, Verzi. Joe, the fucking chairman of the board, Bartnick, Rosebo, Tailgate, Legend and Cook, Jason Lawhead, Cleveland native, Jason Lawhead. Go down there if you just want to see a great comedy show. These are the guys that opened up for me when I'm out on the road and all of them are going to become headliners in their own right. And I don't know when they're all going to share the same stage again. This is like when fucking Frank Dean and Sammy went out before they were famous. You know, they were in some supper club going after some whaling whore. And they said, hey, what if we all go up here and see what happens? That's what you're going to see there in Cleveland unless you stay home, unless you fucking stay home. I also have something else to promote. I'm doing a very important charity event in New York City. All right, it's going to be Monday. Make sure I get this down right. Monday, July 14th in Brooklyn, New York.

All right, it's the Give Laugh Groove is I guess the foundation. It's the website. Sorry. Give LaughGroove.com and they're raising money for seven children. And I'm going to be doing, I'll be working with James Smith. James got a bunch of fans from Australia, international comedian, doing a little fucking co-headlining thing at the Green Building in Brooklyn, New York with proceeds going to feed my starving children. Oh, for God's sakes. Can I get through a fucking promo? Speak of the devil. It's Paul Verzi. Hold on one second. Hey, Paul, I'm doing my podcast and I'm actually right in the middle of hyping your day. I just got done hyping your date. Let me call you back. I said I'm doing my podcast. I'll call you right back. All right. Even he can't hear the fucking podcast. What's that? Anyways, it's going to be at the Green Building in Brooklyn, New York on Monday, July 14th. I'm working with James Smith and meanwhile, two phenomenal musicians. Remember that band I told you about Drew or the Drew? We're just everybody in there was unreal. All you guys sitting out there watching these fucking reality shows.

Who's the next fucking American Idol? You just want to see musicians who are fucking making it by getting together with other great musicians and making great music. I highly recommend downloading the Drew or the Drew album, but Drew from Drew or the Drew and JP Bouvet. Modern, not modern drummer at the Guitar Center, drum off winner, Berkeley fucking phenom. Just an amazing drummer. Common thread tour drummer. They're going to be setting a record for the, I guess, longest time two musicians have played together. It's going to kind of be like a festival kind of thing. They're going to be doing that one room. You've got a comedy show in another room. We're going to be feeding people. It's going to be fucking great. Go to givelaughgroove.com and come on out. And I'll, you'll be seeing me bringing the fucking lumber. Oh, and I'll also be feeding some people too, I guess, whatever. It's a fucking charity. Whatever they need me to do, I'm going to do. What is it here? What am I doing here? Where is it?

Where's the copy bill? Why do you suck so fucking bad at this? All right. It says, I got you and James signed up to do the last meal pack of each day, which is 430 to 630 PM on July 14th and four to six on six. Okay, the next day, but we're performing only on the 14th. Still cool with this? Of course. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. All right. So there you go. That's what the hell I'm doing. So check that shit out. Okay. Back to the podcast. All right. So this weekend, I had, I had a relative graduated from law school, so I had to fly back to Boston, Joe, right? And every time I go back to Boston, they fucking built something else and tore something down that I loved and then fucking put something else in place of it. And I go, what happened to it? This time I went back and Hilltop Steakhouse was fucking closed. I was on my way up to giggles comedy club to, uh, I thought only do one show. I did two shows. I should have kept it at one.

I went into the second room and I didn't realize that it was a church group. I swear to God, trying to raise money for something and ooh. Oh, did old Billy boy munches fucking balls on that one. Jesus Christ. It was a legitimate bomb. Fucking wire to wire. It just was not a stellar moment in it. Like, you ever see when a plane goes to take off and it just, it's just not at the right speed and just fucking just clips the trees. They're like, that's what happened. Then it disappears into them. You're like, oh, maybe they landed safely. Then there's the fireball. That was my set. Oh, but the other place it was worth it because the first one, it was magic. It was a great. Do you believe in magic in the fucking main room? That one was great. So I got to work with Tony V, one of my favorites and yada, yada, yada. The next fucking day I go to the, I go to the graduation and you know, you know, the deal with graduation. You're like, oh my God, this is going to fucking suck. All right. This is going to be long. This is going to be hot. It's going to be hot and long. It's going to suck. Sounds like a fucking porno here. It's horrific. All right. And pleasant surprise. We show up. It's indoors. It's fucking air conditioning. The dean comes out. She starts fucking talking, crushes it, brings up some political guy.

He goes up fucking crushes it. Then they bring up the guest speaker. All right. This is like when a basketball team's going on a run and everybody's standing up freaking out. Then they take the whole run here at the Salt Lake Palace. The fucking speakers are crushing it. Then they bring up the guy that they hired to speak and he comes fucking walk doctor. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever the fuck his name is. He comes walking up. This is how we started his speech. He goes, before I speak, I would like to say something. I swear to God. That's what he said. That's one of the greatest fucking lines I ever heard before I speak. I would like to say something and immediately I'm just sitting there going like, oh God, this is going to be at least 47 to 52 fucking minutes of absolute fucking boredom. Fortunately, I was wrong. Like most of my NHL picks, I was wrong. This guy crushed it. Started talking about being a little kid and born in fucking Nazi Poland. Nazi occupied Poland. Excuse me. Now the fuck you got out of there? Survivors guilt. Now if you become a lawyer, you don't have to be a fucking content. You can actually work pro bono and help change the world for a better play.

It was great speech. Crushed it, right? Now all of a sudden they handle out diplomas. I'm like, holy shit, they're going to get this fucking thing done in two and a half hours. This is going to be great. Fucking great. Then we're out to the fucking beers and the food and everything's great. They hand them all out and that's it. And then the dean comes back and inexplicably starts fucking talking. Keeps talking. Ten minutes later, still fucking talking. And I'm feeling everybody getting restless. And it's just like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this person doing? And then like 15 minutes in, it was so bad, it just started to become funny. I mean, everybody was ready for her to wrap it up in 30 seconds in 15 minutes and she goes, I'm going to tell this. This is just an aside. And she told a fucking side story. Then there's nothing to do with the other story.

And all the shit she was saying was basically what everybody else had said. 20 minutes in, 25 minutes in, 30 minutes in. And I swear to God, dude, I started getting angry because I was all the way in up against the wall. I was starting to feel trapped and I started thinking, she's doing this on purpose. This is a fucking power trip. And then mercifully, it fucking finally ended like 35 minutes later. 35 fucking minutes later and she didn't have a clue how much she was annoying the shit out of everybody. The only thing that was keeping me going was looking around at people. People were doing everything. People were just sort of sitting there like looking out the side of their head at the person next to them. A couple other people had done that. What's known as the confessional pose where you're seated and you got your elbows on your knees and your head is hanging and your hands are clasped.

There was a lot of that going on. There was other people not even trying to hide it. Looking around behind them like you fucking shit me. That look. Not just over the right shoulder, left shoulder too, right? Fucking double threat with that. There was people, I was right near the section, I wasn't near the walls, near the railing and then that was like an exit right next to me. And this one fucking guy, he walked in, walked out, walked in, walked out, walked in the third time and he literally put his hands out. Like you know like when the reps make a fucked up call itself fucked up, even the head coach doesn't even know what it is. And then they're talking about it, trying to get it right. And they've come to a decision and they don't inform the coach and he just kind of puts his hands out like, What the fuck happened? What's going on? Am I getting fucked? Am I going to come on alright in this?

Literally just doing that. And then finally she wrapped it up. It was still a good time. It was still a good graduation. I don't know. That Dean, I swear to God, was just like my performance at giggles. I should have stopped at the first little performance. I should have ended it at that. It was just, it was horrific. Okay, so anyways, the next day I ended up going down to Nashville. I just realized I haven't read any of my fucking advertising yet for this week. God damn it. I went down to Nashville for the Vince Vaughn Wild West Comedy Festival. The first one, hopefully not the last time because it was such a great time. And I got to play the Ryman Theater and I didn't realize that was the original Grand Ole Opry. And I'm going to tell you about that right after these messages from our sponsor.

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It's in what I consider the downtown. It's right where the Nashville Predators play. They got all the honky-tonks there and they got all the play... I don't even know if they call them that anymore, whatever. All the fucking country music and all that shit. And right around the corner, right off this little street, is the Reiman Theater. And that's where the original Grand Ole Opry was at from, like, 1930-something to 1974. And basically, anybody who was anybody got to perform, even before then,

before it was even the Grand Ole Opry, it was a vaudeville space. So, all these other guys, you know, I imagine Charlie Chaplin, I mean, he was doing the rounds, he was working the road, Buster Keaton, W.C. Fields, they had his headshot hanging in there. So, that's how much history this plays. Even when the people that I'm freaking out about, the Hank Williams, you know, Patsy Klein and all them, even when they performed there, that place was already legendary. And they actually had a couple strips of wood from the original stage,

so everybody who came out to perform had to go and step on them and just think that, you know, all these unbelievable performers had been there. And I'm not going to lie to you, it was one of the best shows I've had in my entire career. I don't know what happened. I went out there and usually it takes me a second to get a little warmed up, get a vibe for the room, but I walked out there and it used to be a church, so they have all the original pews. It was made in, like, 1898, so they still had all the original pews. I'm telling you right now, if you go to Nashville, you got to go see a fucking show there.

There's a bunch of other great venues there and stuff, but you got to go. Like, I heard Neil Young played there recently. I mean, that's one that I would just stop what I was doing, get on a plane to go to the Ryman Theater and just sit in a fucking pew from 1898 and watch Neil Young. I mean, it's just incredible. So somehow a shit head like me told enough dick jokes, and the next thing you know, I'm the next guy on the show. So I walk out there and the sun's going down and up in the upper deck.

It's really small, a lot smaller than I thought it was going to be, because people were smaller back then and they packed them in, and there wasn't all this extra crap luxury boxes and everything. So whatever, it was like a 2,000-seater, 1,800-seater, and it was the size of, like, I swear to God, like a lot of 500-seat theaters. It's unbelievable. We're literally tripled the fucking size of these people, I guess. Anyways, up top they had these stained glass windows, so the sun was going down.

All right? The sunlight's coming through the stained glass windows. It was like the fucking Blues Brothers moment. And I went out there and it was a great crowd, and I was on. I started talking, they started laughing, and I swear to God, I almost did like two hours. I did like an hour and 45 minutes, and I left out like three huge bits that I'm going to do on my special. You know, you got to have your blocks. When I put together a new hour, and I feel like I got the, I got it together,

is you need that big opener, you got to have the big closer, and then you got to have, like, you got to have three or four big ones in the middle. You know, and then you got your little ones. You give them the rest, then you go back and do a big one, give them a little rest, and again, take them on a little ride. But you got to have like, you got to have the four corners there to build the structure is how I view it. I don't know, I don't know why I don't have a good science background, but that's how I fucking view the thing.

And I don't know, I've had so much fun, I'm having more fun than I ever had to in stand-up, so I have more than enough at this point. And that's the only concern I have when I go to tape this thing, is I don't want it to be overly long, but I also want to document those jokes, so I don't know what I'm going to do. Either do all of them, and then cut the special, and then have those as extras. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to do it. But you know what, it's a great fucking problem to have.

So anyways, backstage, and you can take a tour of this, is they have, up on the third floor, they have the Johnny Cash room, and they have the Hank Williams room. And then you go down the floor beneath it, they have the second floor, they have, that's where all the women's are, because men are better, we're above. On floor number three, and then on floor number two, they had like the Patsy Klein, the Patsy Klein room, and then, what else, who the fuck,

I'm just so bad at country stars, this is really bad. I have no fucking idea who they have. I'm sorry, I just painted the whole picture, and then just dropped the brush, just let you guys fall right off the fucking canvas. I'm sorry, I don't remember, but it was fucking amazing. I actually came out to Patsy Klein when I was there, I know it's hacking, it's touristy, but it was cool, I've always liked her, and there's actually rumors that she stayed on the street that I live in,

I live on out here in LA, there's rumors that she actually rented a house on the block that I live on, and that's one of the really cool things to completely make a left turn here about living in Los Angeles, is if you are in an area with a bunch of old houses, there's gonna be somebody fucking lived in it. At this point, Hollywood and people trying to make movies is coming up on a hundred years, aren't we? As far as it actually getting going, Hollywood land and all that type of shit, there's a house I actually read about when it was for sale somewhere here in Hollywood, maybe it's, I don't know what the fuck it is, but basically the person who owned the house, they owned it during a prohibition, and then it had a pool and a cabana,

so it's during prohibition, and you know the deal, what if they outlawed booze? I mean, how quickly would there be a black market and you'd be fucking drinking in somebody's cellar, you know, knocking, you know, what's the password? The password is, you know, 23 Skidoo or whatever, and you fucking get in, right? So this person made a bar, they turned their cabana into like a bar, they just built this little bar, and they either made their beer in the bathtub or they had some sort of hookup, who knows what, and all these famous people from way back in the day, Louis Armstrong, Humphrey Bogart, all these people or whatever, went over there and drank,

and they all carved their names into the bar, and it's still there. So when you went to go look at the house, you could actually go look at this piece of history, and it's actually protected, like they make sure if you buy the house, like you can't tear it down or sell it or any of that type of shit. So all of these fucking, you know, all these icons, they had to fucking live somewhere. So anyways, the rumor is, the urban myth on the street that I live on is that she either on this street or the next street overstayed in a house, rented it while she was doing, I don't know what. So it's kind of cool anyways to come back out, to come out with,

can you tell I flew today? I'm always out of my fucking mind when I fly. My brain's all over the place. I've had a fucking brutal day, I apologize. You know, when I went to the airport this morning, Nashville, and it was this extra long line, and you know, just stand there, and I left enough time where I could get through it, and I'm coming up right till you begin disrobing and all that shit, right? And they end up the lovely Nia. What's going on? How are you? I'm telling my airport story from this morning. So, no, not even that one. Here's the story.

So I'm standing in line, this long fucking security line. Jesus, Bill, get to the point. I know. So I'm getting ready to, it's becoming my turn where I get to fucking take off the belt and the sneakers and fucking get through the damn thing, and all of a sudden I hear this person behind going, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, thank you, excuse me, excuse me, thank you, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, I turn around and it's this guy, and he's pushing this African-American woman who's in her fifties in a wheelchair. So, you know, I step aside, she goes by, and then the dude behind me goes,

he said, he goes, I gotta say exactly what he said, he goes, they should have to wait in line like everybody else. That's what he said. He went with they. What? He went with they. So they. They meaning? They meaning people in wheelchairs or black people?

Black people. I think, no, I think he meant wheelchairs because there was other black people standing in line, right? So I turn around and I don't talk to fucking people. It was just so cray, I just turn and I said, come on man, she's in a wheelchair. I go, would you rather be standing up or sitting in that chair? And then there was a pause and he goes, they should wait in line like everybody else. This whole Mississippi burning vibe and we know it's killing me. I came up, I came up with the fucking line that I should have said after I got on the plane.

What? I should have said, oh, what the fuck was it? And I already forget what I gotta have the proper wording. My brain is just not working today. Oh, that's something like, oh, now you believe in equality. It's not equality. What is the word? Now you believe in Jesus.

I just blew it. No, I'm completely, no, I'm completely fucking out of it. Yeah. What the fuck? Because he's basically, you know, this guy, he doesn't want shit to be equal. But now that she's going by him, now he wants the shit to be equal. But you know, if she went to live in his fucking neighborhood, he wouldn't want it to be. So he wants equality.

Oh, that was what I was going to say. Now you believe in equality. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, Jesus. Okay. You just looked up and you get what I'm saying? That's always a great joke when you have to overly explain it to someone who's known you for fucking years.

Ah, Jesus. All right. So you see how that just bombed everybody? Maybe it's a good thing I didn't say it. That's basically what my second set at Giggles was like. I didn't tell you that. And yeah, I fucking ate my balls. I'm sure you didn't.

No, I did. Wired a fire. There was one woman who was so disgusted she wouldn't look at me. And I just kept saying, I'm not going to tell another joke to you. Look at me. And she, she wouldn't look. And I kept going, I'm not going to tell another joke to you. Look at me.

And she just goes and continued to look down at the floor. And she was like, you know, 65, 70. Well, that's not exactly your demographic. They were, they were, they were a church group trying to raise money and nobody told me anything. So yeah, that's, that was my out. That's my out. That's the story I'm telling. So anyways.

So here was my morning, right? So I get a car service to pick me up at LAX when I go to land. Now the whole fucking purpose of a car service, when you get off the plane, the fucking jerk off is standing there. So you just leave. You want to leave. You're paying a ridiculous amount of money, not for the ride. You're paying the money to leave, to leave the cluster fuck that is LAX. So I go down there and there's 10 people standing there with names.

And I'm all excited. Where's my name? Where's my name? Did I get picked? Right? Am I going to make varsity? You know? And of course my name isn't fucking there.

So I'm an entitled jackass at this point. So I'm like, you know what? Fuck that. I just walk out and I go right to the cab line. There's no line. There's also no cabs, but I see a cab coming and the fucking guy pulls up and then right then I get the text about the guy and he's like, you know, trying to explain to me that he's in the parking lot and he's on his way, but his English is as good as my French.

So it takes a second. So I walk away from the cab. Then I'm standing there. I'm muttering. He's fucking goddamn sons of bitches. You know what the fuck? I want to get out of here. I want to go home.

I got to record the podcast. I'm being a big baby basically, right? And then all of a sudden two seconds later, the fucking time car pulls up. He looks at me. I look at him. I nod. He nods and I fucking get in the car. I'm like, all right.

See, once again, Bill, you lost your shit for no reason. That didn't take long at all. So we're driving away. We're driving away and I'm in a great fucking mood. I get out of LAX. I'm feeling great. And then all of a sudden his phone fucking rings and he's like, hello. What?

Oh my God. I'm so sorry. And he goes, I picked up the wrong passenger. So I'm thinking like, well, you know, too bad for that other guy. The guy slows down and he goes, we have to go back. And dude, we were like 10 minutes away from the airport. Right. I'm like, we're not going back.

We can't go back. And he goes, no, he goes, we have to go back. I got to go back and get him. You're in the wrong car. And I'm like, well, that's not my fault. You picked me up. Right. And then he's literally starting to turn around.

I feel like some little kid. I want to go to the toy store. Right. He's taking me to go see the dentist. So I'm like, dude, you can't just drive me back. He can't do that. And then he starts going, you know, stop yelling at me. And I'm like, I'm not yelling at you.

Like he thought this was yelling. That's not yelling. Is it? Well, you know what? You guys need to up your yelling game because that's not fucking yelling. So I, he apologizes. The other guy doesn't fucking apologize to me. And he goes, I had to sign and he chose to sign with like fucking guys.

The last name was like Rancho Cucamonga. There's really fucking long name. And I'm like, I didn't, you didn't fucking show me that. And he goes, yes, I did. I go, dude, are you literally telling me I don't know what my name is? And he's like, stop yelling at me. I go, I'm not yelling and you're sitting next to them like I don't know what my fucking name is.

I didn't curse though. So then I finally just go, you know what? Just pull over. Let me out here. So he pulls over and like Sepulveda leaves me off and he's just sitting there in the fucking driver's seat. As I, as I go to get out, pops the trunk and it's just sitting there. So I leave the passenger side door open and the trunk open and I walk out like a total

foot, such a chick fucking move. Like that's not a man move. But I did that. And I went, I got my nails done. It is dude. That's, that's, that's a pussy move. It is a pussy move, but there you go. Who has a pussy chicks?

Thank you. You know the whole thing about that scenario is, is like his job is to say, are you Mr. Rancho Cucamonga? Yes, I am. Are you, and you were going to this place, right? That's normally what they're supposed to do. They make sure you got the name right. I had my headphones on.

Okay. I took my 50% of it. All right. Yeah. Because the guy, the driver who the actual person who I, it was at least 50% of my fault. He definitely was 50% of your fault because there was a guy inside holding a sign with your name on it. No, there wasn't.

Not at the time, but then he called you or whatever and he was like, I'm coming around and this and that. Either way, did you hear what you just said? Did you hear what you just said? What? You said there was a guy in there holding a sign with my name on it. I said, no, there wasn't. And you said, not at the time.

Well, they called me. It was the thing. Well, I called him. Okay. So if the fire department shows up the day before the fucking house is on fire and sprays water on it, like isn't his job being supposed to have a little bit of timing? That's why he is. He's supposed to have timing.

He should have been there. You should have seen him right away. That's the whole point of it. And that other jackass should have confirmed that you were Mr. Rancho Cucamonga and you were going to the right place. Stop saying Rancho Cucamonga. You said it in the beginning and I thought it was a little funny. Go with something different.

Like Walla Walla. Walla Walla or Chevy Chase. I'm joking. I'm joking. But the... So no, he should have checked. He fucked up. Can I tell you something?

And then you got all... You did. And then you were probably yelling at him. I fucked up. I'm a dick. He probably told the story to the next passenger and they both laughed. And the next passenger was easy going. And fucking was a better person than I was and gave him a nice...

But he messed up. You're supposed to check to make sure. If you've never met the person before... He should have assumed I was that dumb. That's basically it. I should have closed the door on the trunk. I'm a cunt. It was a bit of a bitch move.

Totally. Well, there you go. So you agree with me? But a bitch meaning like... Pussy. But not a female, necessarily. Well, it's not fair. It's not fair.

A punk move, maybe. No, and a bitch. A fitty... Like having a fit or throwing a tantrum. Like a baby-ish move. Oh, definitely. And immature. Let's just go with immature.

All about it. We'll go with immature. It was an immature move of you to be like, Why? I'm not closing the door or the trunk. Take that. You're both being, like, unnecessary. Because he should have been like,

You know what, sir? You're absolutely right. I should have double checked with you. I'm so sorry. I got 20 bucks on me. Can I at least give you 20 dollars for the next time? No, he doesn't do all that. Look, and this...

I think this is why it's called a chick move. A pussy move. A bitch move. It's because... You think it's passive aggressive? Because you guys don't fight for the most part. You guys don't solve shit physically. So you guys...

You solve it that way. You're more evolved. As a man, you're supposed to... I was literally supposed to take off my fucking headphones and we were supposed to duke it out right there on the sidewalk. And whoever won, that was the direction the car was going to go in. Every Clint Eastwood movie I ever watched, that's how it was supposed to be done.

And I didn't. All right? I was like, Tootsie. That's what the movie was like. But you still understand that he did have to go back to get the person who actually paid for his car. He screwed up. But he has to go back and get the person that paid for the car.

He... Can't call another car? Well, I don't know what their whole situation is. I don't think you know anything about the situation because you don't work in that industry. Well, I just know that... Isn't it enough that I just said I was 100% wrong and that I was a bitch and I threw a tantrum?

Okay. You're just gonna fucking countersink it and fucking... No. Spackle over it? I got it. Good morning. I'm not gonna come in here.

No. The whole weekend, yeah. I swear to God. Like, I was a fucking idiot this weekend. I got on... I returned a rental car at Logan Airport and I missed my fucking... I missed my terminal.

Mm-hmm. Because I assumed that something in Boston with a sign was gonna make sense, which it never does. Never, never. This is the deal. I'm waiting to go to terminal E, Southwest Airlines, right?

So they go to the first one. There's two buses. One goes to B&C. One goes to DNA. They don't fuck that up. I actually get on the right bus. They go to the first one. They're like, terminal D.

Fucking whatever. United Airlines, American Airlines, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, all right. Well, that's not it, D. I know it's not D. And I was tweeting once again, being a fucking idiot.

So... While you were driving? No, while I was riding. But here's the thing. In between terminals, that was. In between terminals. So we get to the next terminal. Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm in a bus. I couldn't see what the letter was. And it says... It says next terminal. All I hear is the airlines. Japanese Air, Iraqi Air, Turkish Air, United Air, Emirates. I'm like, all right, international terminal,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden, we're going back to where the fuck I was going. I go, what happened to the terminal E? The guy goes, I went to terminal E. Southwest was in the international. Does that make any fucking sense? No.

Japanese Air, Turkish Air, Iraqi Air, Southwest. Didn't somebody buy Southwest though? Didn't a bigger airline buy Southwest? Does that have anything to do with it? I thought I heard that. I thought Southwest got bought by some bigger airline. What, are you hanging out with pilots?

No. How the fuck do you know that? I don't know, because I read things. I don't know. I really could have sworn that that happened. You know what's funny about you? You don't want to get a fuck. Anyway, I want to bring this up.

You don't want to get a TV in the bedroom, because you said it affects the connection between the two people. I'm keeping it clean here. And meanwhile, every fucking night, you know, you're on your laptop. So what's the point? Why can't I watch the end of a game,

laying here in bed, rubbing my balls, watching a game? First of all, there's nowhere in here to hang a television. Well, they used to have these things back in the day called TV stands. And when you bought a TV... There's not going to be a TV stand in here.

That's hilarious. I thought I had 50% of this room. Can it be on my side of the room, then? Um, no. I literally blocked the door to my closet with a TV if I could just do that. Is that what you want to do? You want to, like, mount it right there

and have the door closed so we can, like, see it on an angle? I mean, that could work. That's not a crazy idea. It's not a crazy idea. It's one of the best ideas you've ever had. Thank you. I'll get rid of that closet door.

You're not going to get rid of the closet door for a TV, you old one. I'll fucking open that... Let's be... Close the door. Let's be serious here. I'll play another man who knows how to fix things to open that wall up,

turn my entire closet into a fucking TV. That whole wall is a TV. Most people make it in an aquarium, right? You are, like, obsessed with lying down while watching TV. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired.

My brain doesn't work anymore. I have traveled more in the last fucking year and a half, and I'm old now. Okay? I'm fucking old. I lost another pair of sunglasses. I just... I left my car charger.

I just dropped off rent a car. You left the car charger, too? I just get out of the car like, Yeah, I went right to terminal. I mean, I should be wearing those hospital loafers carrying an IV. Did you call them about your sunglasses? Like I told you too,

that all it would take is a phone call. If they were like, No, we don't see it, then fine, you move on. But if they're like, Actually, yeah. I just went out to the glove compartment and there they were working. Yeah, I left my sunglasses in a vegan restaurant

and the dude stole them. Okay? Still said about that, huh? There's something about a vegan restaurant. I don't know why you keep tying veganism to like there's something having to be more... Because you think it's going to be pure... ...more like the pure ear to you.

No, they're like the most insufferable people out there. No offense vegans, but you know you guys can beat too much with that. Oh, shit. Hey, you know what? People wanted me to talk about Jay-Z and Solange or... Oh, the elevator fight. Whatever the hell her fucking name is.

Solange, that's her name. I'm sick of Jay-Z wearing that Roger Moore tuxedo. We get it. You're fucking cool. Enough already. Tom Ford. Oh, is that what that is? Always.

I don't fucking know. I always be at this point, Jay-Z's so famous you forget he's from Brooklyn and he fucking grew up in a street corner can still beat the shit out of you, you know? Although, him with his shirt off, you know? I don't know. He's definitely a businessman.

Yeah, exactly. He's fine dining. He's eating like steak and wine and like croissants and shit. He is not P90X'ing. Yeah, no. I can tell you that. He doesn't need to do all that. He's got the gift to gab.

He doesn't need to do all that. He doesn't. He doesn't. You know what? I've had enough arguments with people. God bless him and his Roger Moore tuxedo. Did you talk about the elevator fight? Have you come out earlier?

No, I'll talk about it. Oh, I'll talk about it right now. Oh, I'll talk about it all day. I thought Jay-Z, regardless of whatever the fuck he said that set her off, showed unbelievable restraint. Okay. Getting kicked by a woman in high heel shoes. I've been there.

Okay. It fucking hurts. And he kept taking it to the hands. And there was a moment at one. I only watched it once. There was a time like one of the last times she hit him. She even flinched because she was like, yeah, at this point, I deserve to get punched in the face.

You see her flinch. She spit at him. That was what was really awful. That's what I forgot to do to that driver this morning. Spit at him? That would have been like a frowning bitch move. No, I'd never do that. No, no, no.

But, you know, their family has problems like anybody else's family. I feel like if anything, it just, you know, it just goes to show you that you shouldn't feel bad when, you know, your uncles or whatever start screaming at each other over Thanksgiving. That is funny though. When you really think about how many people are, who are judging them, actually there's footage that exists somewhere of their family fighting in an elevator. It's just they're not famous and nobody cares. So no one cares.

Yeah. So it just gets taped over. Yeah. I feel like a lot of, there are a lot more like physical fights that happen in families between siblings and stuff that most people wouldn't want to admit, you know. So it's, I really don't think it's that big of a deal. I was watching it like salon. Stop.

No. He definitely said something fucked up because Beyonce didn't do anything. Yeah. She was standing there. And she left with her sister too. She was probably like, well, that's what happens when you say X, Y and Z. That was her vibe. Yeah.

So but it's not that big of a deal. I don't feel like, you know. No, that's kind of a big, no, that's, that's, that's, it's over. Their relationship is fucking over. And if money wasn't involved. Who's relationship? Jay-Z's and the fucking. Solanges?

Yeah. No sidekick there. She's not a sidekick. Yes, she is. Come on. She's, she's frank, frank Stallone. No, no, she has a really good album. I love her music and she has great style.

No, she's not as famous as Beyonce, obviously. And all these dumbass internet people on Twitter are like, I've never even heard of her until now. She should be thankful she got any kind of press. This is, this is my, my theory. Just cause you don't know music beyond what's on your top 40 radio stations that they play in the morning while you're going to work. Doesn't mean that this person isn't talented. No, I just get annoyed with that. First the vegans, now the music lovers.

This is the deal. The only way she can make it is if she's in the same group as Beyonce. Cause that's the way it fucking works. There's no way, never in the history of two people in the same family trying to be a solo artist have they ever made it. They always, you gotta be together. The Everly Brothers. The Jackson Five. The Ausmans.

And then what happens is somebody breaks out of it and then the rest of them go back to the dinner table. Going, I have an album out too. Whenever he's like, yeah, we don't care. I know I'm your mother. I don't care. Michael is special. Donnie and Marie are the best. They're younger than you. They're cuter than you.

And Jesus likes them better. And that's what happens. And you're fucked. So the only move she had was when Beyonce was on the way up, she should have been in Destiny's Child. Look at me. Look at me on the other side of the fence. Just calling off groups here. Bill, she was, well, maybe she wasn't.

Was she in that group? She was like a backup. I thought it was Kim Cole's and that chick from one of the roller skates, Tutie. Wasn't she in that? Yeah. They're just naming black people now. Yeah. No, she was like a backup dancer.

She went on tour with them when she was younger. She had an album when she was younger. She got pregnant. She moved to, like, Oklahoma or something. I was a backup dancer. I was. That ACDC video, Who Made Who, when I had all the Anguses up there, I was one of the Anguses. She also wrote.

I didn't really, people. I didn't. I wish I did. She also wrote quite a few of Beyonce's songs and Cole wrote some of Destiny's Child's songs, too. So, you know, she's got other talents and things, you know? Yeah. She doesn't need to be as famous as her sister, though. But she doesn't need to be.

And I say, hey, yay, yay. Linda Perry? No. Yes. That's who that is. What's going on? Her name is Linda Perry. No, it isn't.

No, it isn't. She's the lead singer. It isn't. It's like Jessica or something. It's not. You know I'm right. No, I don't know what her name is. Fornon Blondes.

Yeah. Lead singer Linda Perry recently married to Sarah Gilbert from Roseanne. Did you know that? Who played Darling? They're married. The last time I saw Linda Perry, not the last time, like I see her, but I saw her at the restaurant. Wait, isn't that Fornon Blondes chick? Isn't she like, fuck, she's got to be my age.

Probably. What's she going around with that little girl for? What are you talking about? Sarah Gilbert's older than I am. I saw this show the other day. She's like 12. That's because she looks great. No, I was joking.

Like I was watching the fucking TV show. I'm just bombing all over the place. But no, I saw Linda Perry at the vegan restaurant in question. Oh yeah? I hope she didn't leave her fucking sunglasses or her top hat. Do you not like her? Linda Perry? Oh, because I have a problem with white people with dreadlocks.

Damn it. Damn it. You fucking snuffed that right out. You're too smart for your own fucking good. She doesn't have them anymore. Yeah, but she had them. She had them. At the time, I didn't think of that.

Nia doesn't like white people with dreads. Weds. I just feel like... She doesn't like weds. Weds. I just feel like, I don't know. Dreadlocks are a very particular cult. I don't know.

Maybe they don't. That style doesn't belong to anyone anymore. Would you consider it an offshoot of blackface? No. No. I think it's like, you know, white people that don't want to do their hair and like think they're super, um, like tapped into like Rasta Reggae music and like... What if they really, really...

What if they really, really, really love weed? That... Yeah, that doesn't mean anything. They actually normally do really, really, really love weed with their goddamn hemp necklaces and whatnot. So isn't that a commitment to the lifestyle? That's not all Rastafarianism is, though. It's a religion.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Google it. Not in this country. Well, it's not in America. One of their holidays and how come we don't get the day off? Because it's not, it's not an American thing. You said it's not, not in this country.

Exactly. No, it's joking. I was just being an idiot. But no, it's not like an American or whatever religion. No, it isn't. No, but this, aren't there enough Rastas over here that they could start complaining and we could get another day off? Yo man, how come the Jews got all their days off?

September, man. Sorry. Worst fucking Jamaican accent ever. Is that where Rastafarians come from? I don't know. All I know is I wouldn't fuck with any of them. I don't believe in magic. Do you believe in magic?

But I do with fucking those people. I wouldn't fuck with them. It's not, it's not. I saw enough. It's in magic. Are you thinking of voodoo? Yeah. Because that's not the same thing at all.

Listen, it's all Raiders of the Lost Ark to me. It's not the same thing at all. Listen, they still, they still use- Everyone's brown and foreign and weird to you, aren't they? Yeah, I went there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm threatening you. Yeah, I'm threatening you. Stamps.com, everybody.

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Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. That wasn't bad, was it? Very good. Hey, you know what I forgot to mention? Mail carrier, I think, is now the ultimate PC.

We've covered it all. Mail carrier. I know, but that job's not going to exist in a couple of years. The phase and the whole friggin' thing out. And back in the day, they had a mail man. All right, wait a second. I needed to promote something here. Oh, people, oh, I haven't got to the fucking questions this week.

Oh, people always ask, where can I email the podcast? This is where you can do it. Sorry, bill at themmpodcast.com. Once again, bill at themmpodcast.com. Okay, there you go. And on Twitter, you can also, if you want to look up some of the clips and shit, at the MM podcast. And MMP, in both things, is capitalized.

Now they have to rewind both whatever the fuck it is. All right, Stand Hope. Tons of emails about the Stand Hope episode. Lots of kind words from listeners. Insane amounts of requests for him to come back. You know, I tweeted him to say thank you for the flowers, but he never tweeted me back. But he has also a gazillion followers, so he probably didn't even see it.

Yes, he did. He brought you the nice bouquet. He bought you a potted plant. He bought you the flowers that keep giving. Yeah, the little floral arrangement. I put it out on my little balcony. And he thought that you weren't going to like him. Like he was going to be, I don't know what, like a bad influence.

He would have loved him. Came in absolutely killing this fucking leisure suit. He looked great. He was wearing a leisure suit. I missed him in a leisure suit. No, I've never met him, but he sounds cool. And he's really funny, so I'll meet him. Really funny is an understatement.

He's been like, you know, anybody who says that's the funniest guy in the country for the last at least eight years, I would never, I would just say you have great taste in comedy. Now get out of my way. I'm trying to find my car. Oh, entitled bill this week. All right, dear Billy faithful, you and Nia seem to have a great relationship from the listener's point of view.

Couples always play that if you could cheat with anyone, who would it be? Why did you have to show up for this? Who would it be game? I'm asking you this, if you could have one woman from all of history. I love when people say that, like you have any idea. What what like Joan of Arc look like? You just what the way she was painted women were fucking ugly back in the day. Oh, stop it.

And the guys were everybody was shaped like a refrigerator. That's why I hate those old photos when you pictures the paintings when you go there. All those fucking rump roasts everybody just fucking how many wars did you win? How are you like get on just go walk around the castle a couple of times. About fine art or what? And plus those people were just there. Yeah, living the life, eating good food and being service and they just sat around. A bunch of pasty fat thighs and asses.

They didn't have to do anything as a people out in the field. Those were the people who had great bodies. But the aristocrats, they're just kind of there turned into mush as you like to say. Yeah. Well, they should have painted the poor people because the fucking fat asses in the castle. They were a mess. No wonder they wore robes. You know, everybody else is walking around with a fucking leaf over their junk.

All right, I'm asking you this. If you could have one woman from all of history be absolutely in love with Billy twinkle toes. Oh, it's for you. Who would it be? No, it's for you. Oh, they're right. It's okay. Assuming Nia isn't in the picture for nonviolent reasons.

Who would be your girl? Imagine you have 60 seconds to give your answer and it's going to stick for all and eternity. Thanks and go fuck yourself. 60 seconds is on the clock. I know what's fucked up is it's just what's great about this is it isn't just who do you want to bang. I'm going to have to live with this person when the looks go. And then you want them to be in love with you and you have all of history. All right.

All of history for me is every hot woman I've seen since the 70s. One choice. One choice. There are some 70s women that you bring up. I feel like you might still. Well, I liked all the Charlie. You know what? I liked all the Charlie's angels, but I could I live with them.

Kate Jackson was I think the cutest one. I loved Kate Jackson with that smoky voice. And when she was on the rookies. How much? How much time I got left? You think about 30 seconds? 30 seconds. 25.

Who else did I like? Another smoky voice with some curves was the chicken. The beginning of. Cheers. And she was on fat actress. She looked like. Yeah. She's really beautiful.

She's gorgeous. I can't realize she is beautiful. Very beautiful. Fuck. Um, So Kersi Ali circa cheers. Kate Jackson circa Charlie's angels, but you only get one. I know there's gotta be somebody else.

I know it's somebody else. This is too fucking quick. No, no, no. I got 10 seconds. Time's up. You got to count down. 10. 9.

8. Pressure. Marry and Ross. 6. What? Marry and Ross. Who's Marry and Ross? She played the mom on happy days.

I was gonna say that's a mom from happy days. That was something funny. Do I get to choose? Nope. But I'm here. I know you're here. But the question wasn't for you. Let me try this.

Summer baby. Summer baby. Sonny baby. Sonny baby. Sonny baby. Dear Billy. I can't admit that's a fucking. Ah, no, that's actually good.

He has abs and he can sing, you know, so you get the movie star and the rock star. Jesus Christ. All right. Summer baby. Dear Billy SPF 1000. You get it? Cause I'm pasty. You know, some cunt wrote me on Twitter saying like, Hey Bill, I want to take a picture at

the Ryman, but you're so pasty. It just looked like a bunch of clothes and which is true. I'm definitely pasty, but his little tip for you people out there want to take a picture during a show. Why don't you use a fucking camera? You know, I love how it's always me and my pigments fault rather than you and your phone. You're taking a picture with a phone. It's a phone.

It's a camcorder. It's a texting device. It's something you can watch porno on. Oh, and it's also a camera. It's trying to do too many things. It's wearing too many hats. You bring a fucking camera in there. It can capture me in all my lack of pigment.

All right. So quit blaming me. It's your fucking phone. All right. Big plans for this summer. I know you live out there in the perfect climate. No, I don't. I don't.

I tell here in the summertime and it catches on fire. He said for people, not soil. He said, well, that's funny, but what's on tap in the months of June, July and August? You ever think about getting a jet ski and hunting sharks on the coast? Do you have a pool? What are you excited for? I am excited to not kill sharks. I think it's disgusting that people do that shit and I think it's disgusting that people

swim in the fucking ocean. I think you shouldn't do that shit. That's disgusting. It's reckless. I don't have a pool. What am I excited for? I'm doing Mike Johnston's another one of his workouts and I'm leading with the left hand. One of his drum exercises.

I'm leading with the left hand and it's getting fucking stronger every day and I'm having a hell of a time playing drums. I'm excited to ride some motorcycles this summer. I'm excited to take my dog on a hike. I'm excited to not fucking work for a couple of months after I take my special, other than doing the local clubs out here to build up my next hour. And of course, I'm also doing the, I'm doing that benefit on July 14th at the Green Building in Brooklyn, New York with Jimmy Smith, James Smith, sorry, and it was Jimmy Smith, Jimmy

Smith's fucking NYPD blue. All right. Last thing. The sun constantly gets hit on, ah, Jesus Christ, hey, Nia, come in here for this one. I'm talking to the, I'm talking to the landscapers, they're like, ah, Jesus Christ, all right. The landscaper. They're not the landscaper. These are the people who actually plant the fucking tomatoes.

As you can tell, all I do is tell jokes. I don't fucking know how to do anything else. I can't even drive myself back from the fucking airport. I lose my sunglasses like an old man. I have caretakers at this point. Dear Billy Redballs, I've been with my girlfriend for around a year and I've noticed that lots of other men hit on her. I mean a lot.

Now, this happens almost never, oh, this almost never happens when I'm around. Oh, that's respectful, but she tells me at least a few times a week about a creepy stranger who approaches her or cat calls her. I have to say it makes me pretty uncomfortable but proud at the same time. The weird part of all this is that while my girlfriend is Asian, it's only older black men that hit on her. Wow, that's weird. She must have a fucking fat ass or something.

No disrespect. Now we're both in college and I just got back from four months studying abroad in France. While I was there, she told me about a guy in a parking garage that came up behind her and groped her. I told you, she's got a fat ass. A guy who stopped traffic in the middle of downtown Atlanta just to say what's up and a tutor who flat out asked if she's single and started to insult me without ever having met me.

Oh my God. That's fucking awesome. I'm sorry, but that's hilarious. He's hitting on one of his students, finds out he has a boyfriend and he, hey, he sounds like a douche. How soon before that guy gets fired? Anyways, cashiers at Starbucks drop comments too and she says they always stare at my chest. Is she trying to make me jealous?

Well, have you conveyed to her how that makes you feel? You know, just say, hey, not for nothing. You are gorgeous. I understand why people look at you. I mean, I looked at you. I didn't look at you like a creep. You know, I just thought you was stunningly beautiful and I had to talk to you. Now here we are in this relationship, but I don't know.

I don't know why she's doing that. Do you not tell her she's beautiful all the time? Are you not giving her something that she needs? So she's saying, look at all these other people who want me or is she just out of her fucking mind? I don't know. Let's keep reading. Now, for the summer, she's also in a study abroad program, but in Barcelona, Jesus Christ.

Who is this right now? Is this like, you guys are living a hell of a life here. While they were out in a little group exploring the city, one guy with her tried to hold her hand and tried to play it off as just a joke. Jesus, I can't get mad at that. We've all had a big swing and a miss. What are you doing? Oh, no, no.

I was just kidding. I was just kidding. Um, anyways, I don't know why she tells me about these things, but she knows, oh, she knows it makes you feel uncomfortable. If I was ever there with her, I doubt this would ever happen, but we're unfortunately long distance until July. I'm kind of worried because she's under 21, but now she's in Europe. She's able to drink and I'm scared someone is going to try and take advantage of her.

And there's nothing I can do. Am I crazy for having this bother me so much? I don't know what I can do to stop it or even if, or even if it would stop when I'm with her. How do I keep them away? Let me ask you a question, sir. Do you love this woman? You know, is this the woman that you think you're going to be with?

If you have a definite answer, yes, then you need to talk to her about this. Okay. And just say, listen, you're a beautiful woman and I'm just going to have to accept the fact that when I'm not around, guys are going to ask you out the same way I did. Okay. But for my own sanity, I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell me about it. Okay. Unless obviously somebody gropes you, then I want to find the guy and kill him.

If your answer is no, you're studying abroad in France. I just came back from there. The most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life per capita are over there. You're going to be foreign. You're going to have a fucking sexy accent to them. Cut your fucking losses. Go down and buy some fucking condoms and have at it. All right.

That's my suggestion. I hope I didn't go too quickly with that, but how do you keep them away? You can't keep them away. And when you date a beautiful woman, you just, you have to accept on some level that guys are going to hit on him, hit on him, hit on her and you can't get mad at that. They're beautiful. You did the same fucking thing. You can't tell me before you didn't get to know her as a person.

If you really do love her that when you looked at her, you didn't, she went, God, you didn't something. You didn't say something like that. So, um, yeah, you know, I don't know what to tell you. You're going to have, you're going to have to find a middle ground if you're going to stay with this woman. You either have to fucking, uh, yeah, you got to convey that it's bugging you and then make peace with the fact that it's still going to fucking happen on some level.

All right. But, uh, she's really young and you must be really young too. And you're both going to countries where they fuck because, you know, that's what's to do over there. I'm such an idiot, but I'm just saying, you know, what are you going to do? Oh, that was awful. Sorry. I just got off a fucking plane.

I tried. I tried. Um, that's my advice. If, you know what, I'm jet lagged here. If I fucking somebody has some better advice, just write it into the, uh, bill at the mmpodcast.com and, uh, I'll try to maybe do a better job next week. That's the podcast for this week. Sorry.

Now I got the hiccups. That's it. Everybody go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful, uh, wonderful week and, uh, I'm going to go watch the fucking rangers play the Canadians. See ya. Now, by Proximus, the perfect deals with a one plus elf for nil euro by a mobile appellment.