Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-2-16

Episode Date: May 2, 2016

Bill rambles about moldy people, losing health insurance andBruce drops a deuce.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, May 2nd 2016. I know I always make that joke like, oh my god, where is the year going? But seriously guys, seriously, where the fuck is this year going? What the fuck? May 2nd already. May fucking 2nd. We're getting ready for the summer! I'm psyched that we're into May, because May means we're closer to the middle of July. And in the middle of July, I will be helping to write the second season of Efface for Family. I'm free, not really, but sort of, and I'll have two weeks off, and then old freckles, rumor has it, is going to be doing a nice run through Europe, which may or may not start in Ireland. It's all sort of loose at this point, but we're slugging it out, and I'm actually feeling much better by the way. Thank you for not asking with my sciatica. Sciatica, that sounds like a fucking speed metal band, you know? Not a good one though, right? Come see my band, Sciatica. We're going to be down at the ground round on Wednesday night.

Okay, yeah, I'll definitely see it. Alright, so like you think maybe you could like bring some people? Hey, you know, I'm going to do what I can. Alright, so is that like, can I definitely put you down? Dude, fuck off. If I get there, I'll get there. Alright bro, chill. Sciatica, sorry. I actually, I got some, I found some new stretches. I found this fucking guy on YouTube, this doctor, who was just sitting on a yoga mat, one of these fucking new agey guys. You know what I mean? One of those guys that's like straight, but still makes you uncomfortable. You know those straight guys? Like a straight up gay guy is not uncomfortable to be around, but there's a certain kind of straight guy that's coming off like he's gay, but he's straight. That is the most uncomfortable male to be around. I don't know why. You know what I mean? It's almost like they got something between their teeth and you just can't even hear what the fuck they're saying. You want to be like, can you just go and get that the fuck out of here so I can listen to you? Is there a word for that? The gay straight guy? Yeah, Bill, it's called a gay guy in the closet. Well, maybe it isn't. Some guys are just, some guys are just effeminate.

Some guys just stand there in gym classes. One person after another is called to be on the team. That's a stereotype, right? There's gay athletes. There was that guy who played on the Big 12 there in Missouri, and then he went to that football team and then he got cut. It must have been hard to cut him, right? All right. How bad does this guy have to suck before we won't get accused of being homophobic when we cut him? You know, that's always in the air, but that's not what I wanted to talk about. I'm here to talk about sciatica at the Worcester Centrum. Turns out my hamstring was fucked up, so I was doing like the touch your toe stretches, which is the exact opposite thing that you want to do. Because the nerve is like pinched or inflamed, and you're just like, you're not stretching it. I guess you stretch the muscles, really. So whatever, and usually stretches around the nerve. I have no idea. I never even heard of this fucking thing until I had this problem, and God knows I didn't take any anatomy classes. So I think when you don't have a nerve issue, you can then do that, Ben, because what you're stretching really is just your muscle, your muscle fiber, the muscle tissue.

And the nerves are just sort of chilling around it. But when it gets pinched between the fucking interior crucial ligament of the lower fucking vertebrae tailbone, whatever the fuck it is. All I know is like fucking pulling a balloon, uninflated balloon. I have no fucking analogy. I don't know what, all I know is it hurts. So I put this guy on this hippie guy, and he was just like, yeah, man, what you actually want to do is you don't, there's certain stretches that you want to do, and there's certain stretches that you don't want to do. And, you know, we're in an age right now. I'm so fucking impatient. I was trying to skip ahead, but I just had to sit there, you know, everything I could do just to get through a nine minute video. There's only nine minutes out of my day, but there's like a flat screen TV with NBA and NHL playoffs going on. I got other videos I can click on, you know, as I'm sitting there trying to listen to this guy. I'm also looking at all the videos on the right, you know, there's free porn, there's all kinds of shit, and this guy is just sitting there going, you know, okay, good, good stretch that you want to do is actually if you just sit down on your buttocks, make sure your weight is on your your pelvic bones. And I was just, it was driving me fucking insane, but whatever I ended up doing the stretches and I definitely feel better. So thanks to that guy, whatever his fucking name is, and I will definitely be posting those in case anybody else has that problem. If you're just sitting down on a chair and like your feet go numb and shit, you could possibly have what I have.

You got a big dog sitting in your lap one or the other. I have no fucking idea, but I'm just happy that it that it feels better. And I got to tell you all these fucking aches and pains that I'm having. I knew this a long time ago. There's nothing better than stretching now that I've gone out and I bought all this fucking rogue fitness shit, you know, to lift weights and all the atomic grips and all that shit to do the Ninja Warrior stuff like the best thing I could be doing all that shit is that shit's all going to be great provided I fucking stretch. But I don't know, I wish I knew way, way, way, way fucking back in the day to stretch. There was no stretching in the 80s. You went to gold's gym. You just did the old you know you did the stretch you did before you started lifting in gold's gym back in the 80s. You remember fucking Chevy chase when he's about ready to jump in the pool with Christie Brinkley when he's going this is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. You know he's moving his fucking that's what you did. You did a couple of those. And then you did like you stuck your arm to the side, and you did those fucking, you know, touch your left hand to your right toe and up and down, you know, one, two fucking those military things. One, two, three, four, I love Marine Corps. You're doing that shit right without stretching. And then you would just fucking work out. I fucked up myself so much fucked up my tricep I tore a peck. You know, you know, it's funny all of this shit's going to come back to haunt me the next time I lose my fucking health insurance is someone just listen to this podcast and list everything that I'm talking about as some sort of pre existing condition.

You know, you probably go mobile. You're doing well. How do you keep losing your health insurance? Well, because you do an acting gig, they pay you one time and then they start sending your residual checks for like $1.35. And you have to make 10 grand a year minimal to keep your every single year you got to make it you got to make that or something like that to keep your fucking sag after fucking health insurance. And, you know, one year goes by. And you're writing a show rather than being on the show you fucking lose your end up lose. I mean, I do. Anyways, I haven't done enough. You know, I haven't done enough acting work, I guess, you know, you think with 58 fast and furious 47 Friday the 13th, you think I could catch on enough to make 10 grand a year. You know what? I'm blaming the fucking after sag health health insurance. I think I got to take this one. I got to take this one myself. I got to look myself in the fucking mirror and be like, you know, Bill, it's your goddamn fault, your own fucking fault. Don't you just go out and get blue cross blue shield? That's what I should do. And I should just walk away from sag after. Right. I don't fucking know. I'm a big advocate of that. You know, looking yourself in the mirror and being like, all right, you fucked up, as opposed to being like, you know, the world is unfair, which everybody knows it is.

Right. But if you say, all right, I fucked up that it actually gives you an option to be okay, what can I do to lessen the fuck up because I know I'm going to fuck up again. You know, like if you're like Caitlyn Jenner right now, rather than fucking filming yourself taking a piss in Trump's tower, you know, why don't you just look yourself in the mirror and be like, all right, how did I fuck this up? You know, for the first 66 years of my life, I had a definitive bathroom to go into. There wasn't any questions, nor did I have to film myself and then afterwards say I didn't molest anybody. What has happened to that person? You know, that that that person has absolutely lost their fucking mind. Who's walking around filming themselves taking a piss and then talking about child molesters. And I know what people would say, oh, you can't have these fucking former guys with boobs. Now they have, you know, you know, they're transitioning people, you get a fucking molest somebody, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know that that's what that whole fucking thing was supposed to be about. But you know, I don't know. That just came off to me as shameless self promotion. I don't have anything against transgendered people, but that fucking dingbat. It's funny. Dingbat is the proper word because, you know, she identifies with the female sex. So I think dingbat now works as opposed to douchebag. See, I kept the D. I went, I went alliteration. Ice kid never fully, you know what, I would never call Bruce a douchebag because he was on the Wheaties box.

You know, I don't know about this. Caitlyn though, that's the jury still out. Oh, Bruce did kill somebody, you know, accidentally. Caitlyn has yet to accidentally kill somebody. So, you know, there's a lot of math to be done. You know what, I strike all that. I think I think she was right to film herself peeing in a skyscraper. You know, whenever I see a video like that, I always wonder if people who are truly suffering around the world, if they ever get access to a laptop, and just somehow that comes up on their fucking YouTube page, you know what I mean? They're just living like in like those people in like Brazil that live in those fucking trash heaps. If somehow they see fucking Caitlyn Jenner walking around acting like a victim, you know, wearing shoes that they probably fucking sew together at three o'clock in the fucking morning. Oh, I know, I know, you're supposed to care about everything. I don't. I don't give a fuck. You know what I give a shit about right now, sciatica coming to the Providence. Oh, it's the Worcester Providence Civic Center. Worcester Civic Center. No. Ah, fuck, I can't even remember. That's all I give a shit about. I give a shit about, I don't know, being able to fucking reach down and pick up a dirty sock. Without having a fucking bolt of lightning go down the back of my leg. That would be nice, right? Maybe I'm transitioning. I'm transitioning into a fucking old man right before my very eyes. You know, my fucking dog has just been, he just sleeps all day. I know I always bring this shit up, but it just blows me away. I watch you around the block. That's it. That's all there was, man.

Anyway, so I've been watching as much as I can. My wife's been on the road, so I've immediately become a bachelor. However, I've kept this place pretty clean. You know, and that's a very important thing to do when you're married is when your spouse leaves, you have to fucking show them that you can live without them. I think that's a huge fucking thing. She so wants to come home and just see this fucking place in absolute like, see that? You couldn't live without me. You know what I mean? Which I couldn't. I would be fucking devastated if she fucking left or anything. Obviously I would be, but you know what I mean? You do have to have a little bit of self-esteem. So I've gone back to the way I used to live. Like I have one plate, one fork. That's all I'm using and I just put it in the sink and if I need another one, I just wash that one. It's great. It's nice and quick. Saves a lot of water, right? Ed Bagley Jr. would be so fucking happy with me right now. One plate, one fork. I'm really into that type of shit and that's very hard to be into that type of shit when you have a woman in your life. You know, not having a lot of stuff because bitches be liking stuff. I don't know what it is. They can't get enough of fucking Amazon. I wonder what percentage of people, you know, there's some fucking guy, but that doctor, that effeminate straight doctor that helped me with sciatica. I bet he's on Amazon all the time, you know, trying to find a new pair of fucking puffy pants to match his sandals. Isn't it amazing that this guy helped me out the way he did and I'm so fucking damaged as a human being that I still have to make fun of him?

Well, you know, what do you want from me? So anyways, the update with the gym. All right. I'll actually show you guys before and after pictures when I'm done because it's just a fucking garage. I don't give a shit if you see that. So I got the pegboard up. I actually what I had before was, you know, those, you know, those really long pegboards where your arms are really close together and they're like they go on for fucking ever, you know, my garage, you know, it has like a fucking eight foot ceiling. So that wasn't an option. So I bought two of those and mounted them sideways. So I just just do the pegboard exercise sideways, you know, try to go all the way down and then come all the way back. And now where they moved them, they actually cut them in half and put all four side by side. So the goal is eventually to go up one down the other up the third and down the fourth. I got that up. I got the speed bag up. That's more for my wife. She's into that shit. I don't give a fuck about that. You know, that's always that was a big thing when I was growing up having a heavy bag and all that shit, you know, and then people thought they were tougher because they were hitting a heavy bag that has no fucking arms or legs. You know, you basically just you, you were beating up a, you know, you were basically practicing to fight a cripple is all you were really doing. I mean, granted, there was cardio involved. But actually, I remember a long time ago seeing a fucking guy with no arms and no legs as a wrestler and nobody could beat him. They just, there was nothing to hook and he would just do, I don't know what he was doing, but he would somehow flip these people. It was like, can you just imagine wrestling? Just a rock, you know, but it was a long, flat one and somehow it fucking could move.

I don't know. And it had a head on it. I don't know how to describe this fucking kid. All I know is he was winning. So maybe maybe there was something about that. You know what? Can I backtrack? I don't think I've had one up one point that I've made in this entire podcast that I haven't, I haven't retracted from. Well, you know what? It's a fucking election year. What's it guys? What's, who's the other guy running other than Donald Trump? Hillary Clinton. Kidding. Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz. I don't know anything about Ted Cruz, but evidently he's really interested about where Caitlyn Jenner drops a fucking deuce. And Caitlyn made a fucking, oh, Snapchat fucking video, right? Is that what happened? Is that what happened on fucking Facebook this week? I'm so out of the loop, everybody. So out of the loop. Just, can you guys just ride with me for the next couple of fucking months as I spend my entire waking hours in a fucking writer's room? I don't fucking see anything. I don't read anything. We just stare at a computer screen. I'm going to need fucking glasses by the time I'm done with this shit. My act is drying up. Thank, you know what? I'm sitting here shitting on Caitlyn Jenner. Thank God she fucking made that video because I ended up getting a great bit out of it this weekend. I fucked it up the first time. And then the next time it, it worked. So that's always great. You know, you got to love topical material. Topical material is like the Doritos of fucking stand up.

You know what I mean? It's fucking, it's so fucking satisfying, but there's just no nutrition in it whatsoever. But anyways, like I was saying before, I went down to the comedy story and dude, I can't fucking believe it. It looks like a goddamn nightclub. There's all these young people in there. There's beautiful women all dressed up in shit, just having a great time. Like it's like, I don't know. I wasn't around during the 80s, but I don't know. I don't know how it could have been any better just as far as the sheer amount of people coming out and their, and their laughers too. So if you are in the LA area, it's a good time to go down there. And I was on, you know, the shows I was on was just fucking one monster fucking comic after another. That's probably another reason. Like one of my favorites, I consider him a new guy is Chris Dalia, who goes down there. And what I love about that guy is just as a standup comic, I love seeing a legitimate headliner. You know, there's a lot of people that can sell tickets because they're on TV or they did a movie thing or they took a piss and Donald Trump's fucking tower, right? Kate Legener would sell out a fucking improv, but there's very few people that could basically follow anybody go out there and really level.

Like the point at which that you have to level to really be considered a fucking headliner. And this guy fucking does it. So yeah, man, there was a bunch of people. Who the fuck was on the show? I went on at the Dane Cook, he fucking murdered. I got there late on that one. And then the next show I was working with Chris Dalia. And Natasha Legerro was on Bobby Lee. By the way, speaking of Natasha, did anybody see the new Dice Clay fucking series? I love it. Did you see Adrian? Oh my God, I'm gonna fuck up his name. Is it Adrian Brody? Why don't I know anybody's name? He did this whole fucking thing where he was playing himself and he was, you know, and his next acting role was to play Dice Clay, Andrew Dice Clay in a biopic. So the whole episode he's trying to get Dice, I don't want to ruin it. Just fucking watch it. His Dice Clay is fucking tremendous. And I don't know, speaking of the Worcester Centrum, I've always been a huge Dice Clay fan and I saw him. I know I've told this story before, but that's where I saw him in like 1988. I saw him at the Worcester Centrum with an unknown Eddie Griffin opening up. And that was sick. He fucking murdered. He did a drum solo at the end of the end of it. It was one of the sickest shows I ever saw. And I still didn't realize that I wanted to be a comedian.

It's how fucking dumb I was when I was growing up. Do you know, I used to memorize comedy albums and I would ride around my bicycle, you know, doing my paper route, reciting those, those albums, pretending I was doing them in the school auditorium in front of the entire school. And it still never dawned on me like, hey, Bill, that probably means that you want to be a comedian. Like I never, it never fucking dawned. It seemed like it was a million miles away. You know, we didn't have you to, you know, couldn't just film yourself taking a shit at a Dairy Queen and say, take that presidential candidate. You couldn't fucking do that back then. Anyways, so as always, I'm going to talk about another car that I like and that I probably will never buy. I was watching something on that Tesla S and it's like the self driving fucking car and these two guy computer looking guys. I'll say that because they both had glasses. So if you have glasses in my world, that means you're smart. And a lot of people's world, it means that, you know, but you know, I want to be politically correct. Maybe they were both a couple of fuckheads. But anyways, they were in this car and they put on the self driving mode and according to the video, they put blankets over themselves and they took a fucking nap. Now Tesla said that there's some alarming YouTube videos of people doing shit in their cars that you're not supposed to be doing, but they basically took a nap and then somebody wrote in one of the comments underneath it like, would you get arrested? If you got shitfaced, put it on self driving mode and then sat in the back seat and you know me, you don't know me. Maybe you think you know me, but I'm always bitching about technology.

I actually am coming around to the self driving car just provided that you could still drive it if you want to because that is that is pretty fucking cool. Do you realize how fucking out of shape and like, you know how bad like this is going to be for procrastinators? You know, the fact that they no longer have to drive themselves to work and they're going to be trying to finish their fucking presentation in their car. You know, you've seen people brushing their teeth or just people literally with an eye mask on, just fucking sleeping in their jam jams. And then they pull up to work, you know, like you set your car alarm and that's like your fucking alarm to wake you up. Like when it stops and is in park, you know, maybe the horn just goes bad, bad, bad. That'd be too jarring. That'd be too jarring for people of the future, right? They don't want to fucking deal with anything. They just want to lay around, right?

So they fucking lay, you lay there in the car and you know those fucking creepy self vibrating fucking seats when you get too close to something. Maybe it does that. You just lay in there, right? And it just sort of shakes you a little bit and some weird creepy computer voice. You can pick the voice too, right? You know, God knows celebrities will jump all over that. They do the fucking voiceovers to make a little bit of cash because no one pays for movies anymore. And they're just sick of being in those mighty heroes fucking superhero movies one after another. They're literally out of ideas, huh? I mean, once you have like the superheroes fighting each other, they got to be nervous and Hollywood just going like, where do we go from here?

You know? Can we reboot this thing again? Can we reboot the fucking Joker and all that? You know what the funny thing is though, is people will keep showing up. I guess that makes sense, right? God knows they've had the comic books forever and people keep reading those. You know what? I'm taking that one back. I'm wrong about that one again. Have I been right yet? Fuck! Bunch of swings and misses. So anyways, that Tesla S has another feature where you can like call the car like a fucking dog. Like if it's in a tight parking spot, you can just go, hey, Tesla, Tesla, Tesla.

Come here, buddy. Huh? You want to go for a drive? Right? And the thing just slowly backs up and it comes to you. It's literally, it's like the fucking Knight Rider car. And like I said, I am usually anti-technology and but every once in a while something comes along and I even me as much as a fucking freckled cunt that I am. I have to sit back and be like, you know what? That's cool. So here's the thing. The car costs like, I don't know, like $120,000. So I imagine 90% of the people, you know, not trying to talk down to you. Okay, we'll say 80% of you that listened to this fucking thing, right?

Just went like, oh, Jesus, I'll never be able to afford that. Yeah, you will. I'll tell you why. Okay, I'll give you, I'll give you fucking three examples. Calculators, rollerblades and flat screen TVs. All of those things when they came out, they were fucking ridiculously expensive. And then by the end of it, they gave them away with like a free tank of fucking gas. Well, maybe not the fucking flat screens, but you remember, like, we'll go back to Calc. When calculators first came out, they were $100 each, something crazy like that. And then they just kept dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping.

Dropping is more and more people bought them and then they had the solar ones. And the next thing you know, you got a calculator with the fucking free Phillip at the gas station. Rollerblades were always over $100, right? And everybody had them and then like, well, what the fuck are we going to do with the rest of them? And next thing you know, they were 30 bucks, right? Flat screen TVs when they first came out, I, I for some reason remember them to be about 11 grand when they first came out, you know, and they were about as thick as my fucking head. Let me look this up here. Original price, original price of flat screen TVs.

I'm saying 11 grand. Flat screen, flat screen, falling cost of flat screens. What a farm. Jesus Christ. I'll never find it. Oh, the price was $14,090, almost 15 grand, $999 for a plasma TV. Plasma display TV, yada, yada, yada, advantages, disadvantages. What the fuck was it? History. We'll go to the 2000s. 2000s, a 40 inch TV cost.

You know what? Go fuck yourself. I don't know where the fuck it was. It actually came up and then I clicked on it and then the information disappears. Sorry about that. I'm just saying. So I bet that Tesla, that technology will, will, you know, it's like when airbags first came out, they were on Mercedes. They protected the rich people first. And then once they got all the rich people's money, then they go, all right, you know what? Maybe we'll protect the middle class.

And then eventually it gets all the way down to like, you know, like there's starving kids in Africa that probably have rollerblades, you know what I mean? And like a Chicago Blackhawks 2016 advanced to the second round t-shirt, right? You know, they always get those fucking, they get those hats like Boston Red Sox 1986 World Series Champions. There's always somebody digging for a blood diamond wearing that shit. Buffalo bills four in a row, you know, that's like what a sex slave t-shirt, you know, sex slave wears over and fucking down on one of those sex slave countries. Are you making light of the sex human sex trade?

No, I'm just talking. I'm making fun of the Buffalo bills there. I feel for the person that has to was sold into sex slavery, but I don't feel bad for the Buffalo bills. You know what I mean? You know why they lost all four of those? Because nice guy's finished last and Marv Levy is everything that Pete Carroll looks like he is. Pete Carroll is is Marv Levy 2.0. Both of them just look like you could just trust him. You know, I could leave, I could leave a stack of fucking cash here right in front of him.

My life savings, I will come back and I'm going to be fine. And that is true with Marv Levy and that's why he lost four Super Bowls. Now, if you were to leave that with Pete Carroll, you know, I don't think I have to tell you that, you know, there'd be some Hooters chicks over there and he's got Wingsauce on his face and be like, it's all there. Fuck you're talking about. Why am I shitting on Pete Carroll? You know what you think of Bill?

What about your coach? What about fucking Bill Belichick? Well, he doesn't look wholesome. He looks like a mean dad, doesn't he? He's like, oh, God, dad's home. God, he's such a douche, you know, that's what he looks like. Pete Carroll looks like, you know, Pete Carroll looks like he goes to church, you know, and on the third day, Jesus will rise again and then he's in the back and goes,

woo! That Pete, he always gets excited during that part of the Jesus story. Oh, Jesus. Oh, what the fuck was with that guy? You know, I actually tweeted about that guy in the draft that got busted, you know, wearing the fucking gas mask, taking the fucking weed hit, and everybody gave me shit. I thought you didn't watch the draft.

It's like, dude, it kind of became a, it went viral. Actually, it was actually texted to me by another comedian was letting me know. He said in real time, this guy was getting blackmailed, and I ended up watching the clips. Dude, that was, that guy should fire his fucking agent yesterday. That poor bastard, nobody, he had no advice. He was sitting there sweating. If nobody came out, that woman didn't say, hey, hey, that's enough, no more questions.

If she didn't rescue him, that guy would still be sitting there, like pouring sweat, answering every fucking question that they asked him. What's the most fucked up thing you ever jerked off to? Well, I would have to say, you know, it's just like, I don't know where his agent was, but he was somewhere high-fiving himself, I think. God damn it, that Tesla's a good-looking car from the side. I just hate the front end. It's just weird, you know, because it doesn't need a fucking,

it doesn't need a grill because it doesn't have a radiator, because it doesn't have an engine to fucking, you know, cool off or whatever. I was gonna say, well, it'd be cool if they just put it in there anyways, but then air would get trapped in there, it would actually slow down. Dude, that's the fucking car, that's the car you want. That thing is as fast, it actually beats a fucking Lamborghini, it beats a Ferrari, zero to 60, it fucking smokes that car. It really smokes a fucking supercar.

Now, when they get up to the higher gear zest, you know, fucking 70, 80 miles an hour, the Ferrari overtakes it, but who gives a fuck? It gives a fuck, 80, 90 miles an hour. I mean, I guess the only reason to want a car going that fast is if you take it to the track. If you fucking drive 100 miles an hour on a regular street, you're a fucking asshole and you're gonna kill somebody. So, you know what? God damn it, I think I'm gonna get that car. Oh, Jesus, that's a good looking car, get it in black, huh?

With the red fucking calipers? No, I'm too fucking, I'm too frugal. Can't blow 120,000, what's a fucking car payment on that? It's a fucking moron, you could buy a third of Detroit for the amount of money you're gonna pay for a fucking Tesla. That's insane. You know, I watch the trashiest fucking YouTube videos and I really have to stop doing it because everything, like,

for some reason, I was looking at the top 10 inappropriate police officer pictures posted online. And then once you do that, then you just stuck in this thing. Top 10 things banned in the United States, inappropriate family photos that will make you cringe, you know, most of them are staged, but you still sit there and watch it. The top 10 fucking creepy things ever dug up. The top 10 weird things in the background as some whore took a picture of her fucking ass and a thong. 10 most dangerous gangs in the world.

Alright, I'll look at this. Guys all fucking tattooed up holding the baby. Factverse presents 10 of the most dangerous gangs in the world. This is what I do when my wife's out of town. I watch Playoff Hockey and then I have that on and then I fucking sit here and I look at this shit. 15 most poisonous animals in the world. You know what it is? I've seen every fail video at this point. I've seen every people are awesome video.

I've seen every fight video. I've seen every instant karma bully thing. I just feel like I've seen everything that I give a fuck about. Instant karma, fails, five most dangerous people in the world. 10 actors who actually did it on screen. I didn't see that. Wait a minute, what the fuck is this one? See and now I'm not going to watch some most dangerous gangs.

You know what's funny? Most of you will make it fun of me right now and the rest of you are googling this shit right now. So anyways, let's see if I got any questions if my fucking Andrew sent me the fucking questions yet. Because I don't have any advertising. I ain't got nothing. I'm trying to get this shit out of the fucking way. Because I got to do a radio tour next week to hype all my dates coming up in Florida. Bill, you coming to Florida?

You didn't mention that? Oh yeah, going to all the big cities too. I'm going to Orlando, right? Home of Disney World. I like that small shit out here, right? Just Disneyland. This is Disney World. On May 6th, I'm going to be at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida.

Then I'm going to be at the Hard Rock Live in Orlando, Florida doing two shows. And then on May 8th, I'll be at the Times Union Center for the Performing Arts Moran, Modal Theater in Jacksonville, Florida. And hopefully I'll get there fucking early enough. I'm going to go to a gun range and shoot some fucking guns with silencers. That's some fun shit. God damn it, that's a good time. Jacksonville is an underrated, under fucking rated city to go to.

I know a lot of people shit on, you know, northern Florida. But I got to be honest with you, I love a shit town. You know, there's fun to be had. Anybody can go to fucking Miami. Go to some fucking Botox party, whatever the fuck it is those people do down there. If you're not pretty enough, you got to fucking laminate your face. You know, they're just weird. I like being in those, you know, Tampa, Clearwater, Tallahassee, Orlando Jacksonville.

Orlando's not even bad. Orlando's like sort of like Orange County. It just sort of, I don't know, it has that McMansion vibe. I don't know, but a lot of people live out that way because there's no state income tax. That's why so many, Bert Reynolds ended up going out there, OJ Simpson. You know, all the people that had rough course cases, you know, double murders, divorces, all of that shit, you know, they all end up in Florida. That's when you know, you know, you know, as you get fucking older, I think you just, that's one of the major signs that you were basically very successful but married the wrong person slash maybe killed somebody as you end up in Florida. If you're not like indigenous to that area.

Ooh, Bill, indigenous. Somebody learned a fucking word, huh? All right, let's see if I can read some advertising here for the goddamn week. The goddamn week of May 2nd. You know, I always make like a mental note to myself at the beginning of May. Even though I live out here in LA and the fucking weather is always great. I because like, I'd always just remember like I always be working and I'd be psyched that it was May. And then before I realized it, it was into August.

And I was thinking like, wow, the first like 90 days of this shit, at least May and June. I think a lot of people take May and June for fucking granite. I mean, I don't know who I'm even speaking to at this point. Does anybody really even have four seasons anymore? But if you're still living in an area like this is the time where you got to be like, all right, let's make the most of the decent weather. All right, okay, enough with that shit. Let me read some of the some of the advertising here for this week. All right, Sherry's Berries.

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Oh, yeah, let's see. I never tell my mother when I'm on TV. Because she's a mom. And no matter what I do, she's going to give me shit. You know, I don't understand why you wore that shirt. I liked your performance on Conan better than on the Tonight Show. No, I love my mom, but you know what I mean? She is like she's she's my original like Twitter troll my entire life.

I mean, one of the reasons why I'm so driven is to just one day have a show or a fucking whatever, whatever the fuck you call doing a talk show, a segment on a talk show where wire to wire. She actually goes like, you know what, I sat down and I watched it and I don't have a problem with anything you did. You know, I don't know. Anyways, that's my mom going to send some fucking chocolate strawberries her way. And with Mother's Day just around the corner, I have a great way to show mom how much you appreciate her. Surprise mom with something unexpected and as unique as she is with Sherry's berries right now. Sherry's berries freshly dipped strawberries starting at $19.99 plus shipping or double the berries for just $10 more.

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I had to make up for that. All right. Let me go to your questions for the week. Ladies and gentlemen, the questions of the week. Okay. Here we go. Bike race accident. Dear Bill, did you see the video going around this weekend of the Brooklyn bike race pileup?

No, I didn't. It really makes you question the hive mentality of those bikers. I've been involved in some high speed activities and their inability to stop or slow down properly is mind blowing. Give it a Google. Come down to San Diego once in a while. No, I haven't seen that. But I do know that people on a regular basis fucking die. Not a regular basis, but you definitely die.

I mean, it's, yeah, you're the how fast those fucking guys go. Yeah, you're riding a motorcycle without an engine. And oh, you got those fucking little shorts on. Get that road rash. It's the exact same thing at minus the muffler burn. But I actually, I'm a big fan of bike racing though. I always used to watch the tour de France and I loved watching Lance win fucking seven in a row, which he did. He won seven in a row.

Okay. Everybody from him all the way to the back of the race tested positive. So I'll never, I'll never give up those seven. I'll always say that he won those fucking things. And I got to tell you something right now. I haven't watched it since then because it's been boring without him. You know, it's like Tiger Woods ever since his wife fucking flipped out on him, you know, and took half his money. The fucking guy hasn't won shit and I never watched golf.

I do like Phil Mickelson though. I like watching that guy. That guy's like, uh, the guy fucking goes for it. He doesn't give a shit. He's like, yeah, you're behind a tree. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to slice right around this thing. I'm going for the pin.

I don't know. Maybe you should lay up. Hey, look at all the sweat I got out of my mantis. You think I'm laying up? I'm already ready for a fucking honor Palmer. I'm going for the pin. It's what he does every time. All right.

Drum workout. Hey, sir. I'm a big fan of the podcast and thought I'd share this with you because I know how much you love drums and talking about working out. Um, oh yeah, recently I, I don't know how I, I, I missed out on Pantera. I just, you know, I could never get into that fucking type of singing. You know what I mean? It's like, Jesus Christ, I heard this in my house growing up.

I don't, music used to take me away from this shit, but just undeniably, Vinny Paul is one of the great rock drummers of all time without a fucking doubt. And I don't think he gets to credit. I was talking to my drum teacher about this where he's a lot like Alex Van Halen, who was another one of the great drummers of all time, but both of them, like Alex never got his due. I feel because Eddie, Eddie was just so fucking insane that everybody focused on him and they didn't really even notice how great Alex was.

And I feel like Pantera is the same thing. It's kind of creepy how like they both have brothers like, you know, that were innovative, you know, Dimebag. He was just, there was nobody like either one of those guitar players. In fact, and then you know what else is fucked to bring the full circle is unfortunately when Dimebag was murdered. I always heard that Eddie donated one of his, like he loved Eddie Van Halen and Eddie donated one of his guitars.

I think it was that black and yellow one and they actually buried it with Dimebag. So, I don't know, it's kind of a morbid way to go around to say that Vinny Paul is a fucking amazing drummer, but I started listening to that song. I'm broken and you know, it's fucking killing me that I can't just sit down and try to figure that fucking song out because I, you know, I got to sit in this fucking writer's room. I'm really whining about the writer's room, you know, because I'm used to just fucking having my days to myself to just sit around, you know, staring at my dry me on these balls. All right, drum workout.

So this new workout saw this new workout where you pretend to play the drums, which is kind of, which is currently available in the LA area. See the video link. Wanted to hear your thoughts, comment on these modern gym classes these days. Time to start soundproofing that garage gym. Thanks for that. For the laughs and go fuck yourself. Well, why would I don't understand like guitar hero or even I haven't even looked at this

fucking workout class like why wouldn't you just learn how to play drums? Oh, they're not pretending to play drums. Sticks. Oh God. Is this going to be white people trying to be tribal? Oh yeah, it's sort of aerobics. And they're just playing beats with sticks and stuff. Oh my God.

This, oh, this has given me douche chills. Oh, they're like, oh God. And they always have to be the person wearing the hat inside the knitted hat. Just when you thought that awful look went away, you know, the guy with the fucking skinny jeans, the T shirt, and then like, I'm going to have a snowball fight hat on pretending to play the drums is now a hot new workout. Well, they weren't really pretending. They were actually hitting the floor with them and stuff and hitting the sticks.

So we said there was already a dance from form in India called Danya, Danya, which has the same concept of dancing with sticks and a thousand plus years old tradition. Oh, what a surprise. What a surprise. Did somebody already come up with that? Look, if that gets people in shape, it actually kind of looks like fun, but my ears couldn't handle it. I'd have to have fucking earplugs in.

I don't know. But everyone was making those guitar hero rocket rocking out faces. But what would be cool is if that actually, you know, if you're taking one of those classes and you actually want to learn how to play drums, but you know, you can't really play because you have an apartment. I cannot recommend those Roland V drums enough. They're fucking amazing. And I told you when I had two, two of those kits when I was in New York, it's kind of

weird because it's like a computer, like it gets old and then the new one's better. And then you're like, because, you know, if it was an acoustic, like a regular drum kit, you'd just keep it. It's drums are fucking drums, but they get the new brains and they're better than I don't know. You just keep, you just keep, I don't know. It's a lot of fucking money, but they're fucking awesome. So if you live, if you live like the way I did, where I had a neighbor underneath me,

I went downstairs and I knocked on the guy's door and I said, listen, I practice drums. When do you work? I'll only practice during those hours. If you're ever home, when I'm practicing, here's my phone number, call me the second I pick up. You tell me to stop. I will immediately stop. And we, we actually still had a problem because the first time he heard me playing,

I said, hello, he goes, can you knock it off? And I just fucking snapped on the guy. I was like, dude, don't fucking say that. Like he asked me 12 fucking times and did all that shit. And then he never called me again. Fucking dickhead. Although, you know, in defense of him, I can't imagine what that sounded like underneath. You know, not Jesus.

I'm just fucking, I'm just, I'm just retracting every fucking statement. All right. Shoot matches. Dear Billy bangers and mash, you were talking about shoot masses, shoot matches on this Thursday's podcast for those of you who didn't listen, a shoot match is a wrestling term where basically, you know, the sports entertainment, you know, it's a fake fight, even though they really hurt in each other, but you know, it's worked out, it's sports entertainment. So technically it's fake, even though they're really throwing each other and getting hurt.

It is fake. What happens in a shoot match is somebody fucking snaps and becomes a real fight and starts beating the shit out of the person for real. So he said, if you're into those shoot matches, you should definitely look up a wrestler named New Jack. The cycle was known for frequently shooting on other wrestlers for the most minor things. In some case, he thought a tag team was trying to steal his gangster image. So he hit them with chairs full force, stabbed them in the head with forks, et cetera.

And in another match, he basically tries to murder a 60 something year old man. Those matches are brutal as fuck, man, you should check them out. I actually saw those. Yeah, that guy has like psychological damages, damages, psychological damage. I knew a guy like that when I was growing up, he went to fucking cop school. Surprise, surprise. You know, fucking maniacs who like to be violent, like they always end up somehow being bouncers and cops.

I'm not saying they're all like that. I'm just saying it's like, you know, people that want to fuck kids, you know, they're all about volunteering to take them out into the woods. Not saying every cop scout master as well. I'm just saying, you know, people who want to beat the fuck out of people and don't want to go to jail, get jobs where they have the authority to beat the fuck out of somebody. So this fucking lunatic. So he comes back from like his weekend at cop school and I don't know what he did.

He never got accepted. They just were like try out thing. I don't know. I can't remember so fucking long ago. So he wants to show me this move that he learned and he was doing it in slow motion. And then I remember he just fucking looked up at the ceiling. You know, do you remember how like that dude in full metal jacket when he's like, I am in a world of shit, private joker, you know, that thing, right?

He fucking looked up like that and just fucking full force did the move. And I heard my fucking wrist snap. And I forget how many times I punched him in the side of the head. I was so fucking mad at him. And I was really just mad at myself because I knew that he was one of those guys like he just fucking like, like he was one of those. He was one of the exact type of personality that you do not teach that type of shit to because just he was a dope.

He never felt like he had power in life. And then he had this new move and he just couldn't handle it. It was like, you know, the whole thing when they always talking like a baby poisonous snake is the worst is worse than getting bit by an adult baby snake because the adult baby snake sort of rations out the poison where the baby just gives you fucking both barrels. That's, that's what the fuck he did. He had the mentality of a fucking baby reptiles. What I'm saying.

And he fucking jacked up my goddamn wrist and hey, and you know what? It became a fucking shoot match. He's supposed to show it to me and I just fucking drilled him in the side of the head like fucking six times as hard as I fucking could. I was so fucking mad at him. And I remember we were both drunk. That fucking idiot. God bless him.

Anyways, moving ahead here. That was a throwback Thursday story. All right, fight. Dear Billy boy band. Billy boy band. All right. Everyone's been asked. Everyone's always asking for advice.

So here's a rhetorical. Who's who wins in a fight to the death between a silverback gorilla and a grizzly bear. One's got IQ and mad upper body. The other has razor sharp claws and skull crushing jaws. Thanks and go sit on it repeatedly. I don't know what that means. Is that like a happy days reference reference? I would say it depends on if it's a whole, I'm rooting.

I would go with the home team. All right. If it's a home game for the grizzly bear and they're out in an open field and there's no fucking tree for the gorilla to fucking go up and then come back down, go up, you know, do that fucking monkey shit with a slappy in the fucking head. I would, I would say the grizzly wins because you know, the gorillas can ball up its fists. But you know, you're fighting. It's like you're fighting Freddy Krueger and he's got two gloves, four gloves.

Actually, I would say I don't know. And I got to admit, like, I think, I think gorillas are chill. Like, I don't think they really like doing that stuff. And I've watched them fight other fucking gorillas. And you know, there's a lot of clutching and grabbing and shit. And I've watched two gorilla grizzly bears go at it and it's fucking devastating. We like, how is one of them not dead? So I would say a grizzly bear.

I don't know. And I'm sure over in Asia that they have those fights on the weekends. Somewhere in Asia, they're doing that right now. Because when I go on YouTube, I'm just basing that on, you know, you go on YouTube. There's actually black and white footage of like lions fighting tigers and shit like that and fucking cobras fighting these things. And you know, it's not alligators versus fucking cobras or whatever the fuck. They always just, you know, like over in Asia, like the original MMA, you know, UFC type of shit was actually animals versus animals. You know?

I mean, you got to give it up to them. I mean, I know that we ask those questions here over in Asia. They actually get it done, you know, which makes means that they're actually killing it more in the realm of don't tell me show me. They're taking the initiative is all I'm saying. All right, here we go. We got a couple more here. All right. Let me read the last two fucking advertisements really quick.

Advertisings, advertisements. Jesus Christ. It's amazing. Isn't it amazing sometimes that that English is my first language? By the way, I'm 64 days in with my French. I'm learning past 10 stuff. I can look at it and I can translate it, but I can't recall it because I have no one to speak it with. But I have to think that it's helping me on some level.

I think I'll be able to read a newspaper by the time I get to fucking France the next time. I just won't be able to talk to anybody. Whatever. I'll figure something out. All right. Dollar Shave Club. You guys, I figured it out. I've discovered the key to an amazing shave.

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Dr. Carvey's Easy Shave Butter? Now it's Dr. Carvey's Shave Butter. Anyways, two reasons to join at DollarShaveClub.com slash Burr today. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash Burr. Alright, sorry, the fucking dyslexia is really kicking in today. One of my eyes is on the word I'm reading and the other one is like three words down. I don't know what that is. What is the medical term for that?

Lazy-eyed? Alright, Stamps.com all the old favorites. As America celebrates National Small Business Week this week, Stamps.com wants to honor. Not only it's over 600,000 small business customers, Stamps.com also wants to extend an invitation to small businesses throughout the nation to help their businesses succeed by reducing or eliminating wasteful trips to the post office. Stamps.com knows that one of the most valuable resources as a small business is time. You can't waste it making constant trips to the post office for your mailing and shipping.

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I got the questions. The last two here. Alright, Tom Brady and Jim Ursay. Alright, even I'm sick of this fucking story at this point. What up, Billy Boy? Big fan of your buy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Of course, the Pats didn't beat the Colts by 34 because of the deflated balls. That's not the point though.

Here's an example. If a baseball player is on steroid but goes 0 for 5 on a particular day, what do you mean that's not the point though? I don't know what point you made. I guess you're saying the deflated ball didn't affect the outcome. If a baseball player is on steroid but goes 0 for 5 on a particular day, does that mean he didn't cheat? Of course not. I hate people who do this, who ask questions for me. The point I'm making is that it's not about the results.

It's about breaking the rules. See, this is why I can't stand people. This is not what that decision was about. Tom Brady's suspension was reinstated, not because it was proven that he cheated. This last trial was all about, does a corporation have a right to discipline its employee? That's what it was about. That's what the NFL was fighting because Tom Brady opened up a can of worms, which was basically like, we're your boss and we said you're suspended.

He appealed it outside of the NFL into a court of law, which of course it didn't fucking hold up because it was a complete kangaroo court horseshit fucking thing that happened. The owner of the other fucking team hires a guy to find dirt on the other fucking team, which you can do on anybody. Then one guy plays judge, jury, and execution. You take it into a court of law. I knew that thing would get laughed out of court, which it fucking did. And Jim Mercer was looked to be a fucking moron. So then what happened, sir, is they changed their argument.

They then went back to say, listen, we are the NFL, the corporation known as the National Football League. Tom Brady is an employee. All right? We said that he suspended. We are his boss. We argue that we have the right to suspend our own employees. That's what it was about. Okay?

So this is what kills me about all these people, including Michael Rappaport, who texted me, right? He fucking texted me and he goes, ha, ha, motherfucker, guilty until proven innocent. Like Tom Brady was resuspect. His suspension was reactivated, thus vindicating everybody that says Tom Brady is a cheat. You guys are not paying attention to the fucking story. That's not what happened. What happened was the NFL in a court of law won the right to suspend Tom Brady because Tom Brady is a fucking. Oh God, is there anything more relentless than when your fucking wife calls Jesus Christ?

I got two more minutes here. All right, I'll answer it here. Hang on a second. I'll answer it. Hello? Hello? It's connecting. Hey, I'm finishing my podcast.

That's why I have a microphone and headphones on. I'll call you right back, cutie. Bye. Anyways, that's what happened. So I'll read the rest of this guy's shit. Buffalo Wildwing dopes think what happened was the NFL appealed it and it got proven that Tom Brady is in fact a cheater. That was never proven. It was never proven.

All right. So I don't know what. So he goes, if Brady broke the rule, then he should be punished. I don't know if he did or he didn't. I'm just tired of the argument that since Pats, the Pats blew out the Colts, it doesn't matter. Another thing you always say that the Colts owner got rules changed to benefit his teams. What rules were changed? As far as I know, he only asked that the league enforce rules that were already in place.

No, he sat on the rules committee. When we beat him and we roughed up his receivers, he bitched to the referees and the referees said that's legal. He then made a tape. He and Peyton Manning made a tape, went to the NFL and the NFL said that's legal. Jim Mercer got on the rules committee. He spearheaded a movement to make the way we covered their receivers not legal. Okay. The Colts had a better offense than we did at the time.

We had a better defense. He made a rule change that tipped it in favor of him. This guy is fucking filthy. He's fucking filthy. Those rules were changed. And why do I have to tell you that? Why don't you fucking look it up like you can't find it? Anyways, he goes, as far as I know, he only asked for they know.

As far as you know, yeah, because you didn't look it up. The five-yard rule for receivers has been around forever. No, it hasn't. No, it hasn't. That happened in my lifetime. The first thing it was, it was the Mel Blunt rule when he beat the shit out of Golden Richards in the Super Bowl. Don't fucking, you're speaking in general. I can't fucking, I can't stand people like this.

Oh, that's been around forever. Oh, this blah, blah, blah. Oh, they don't even look it up. That's like Verzi. When Verzi fucking goes like, you know, Joe Montana had Jerry Rice. It's like he didn't have him for his first two Super Bowls. He had nobody in 81. He had Freddie Solomon and Dwight Clark.

Those were his number one and two receivers. And he had some guy, Earl Cooper, as a fucking running back. He won with nobody. He won with people. He won with stars. He won with people. He won with stars, right? He's fucking millennials.

I don't understand him. We're having pre-millennials. They just don't look any of them. He said, Erse simply wanted it enforced. What's wrong with that? Please respond on your podcast. Even if you shit on me, I'll remain a listener. You're a funny motherfucker.

Dude, that's not what fucking happened. And all of this shit happened in your lifetime. You're just having selective memory. He fucking, he said to the referees, look at this tape. Look what they did. They go, yeah, we saw it. That's legal. Unreal.

Unreal. And then they made the tape. How do you forget this shit? It was like a little over 10 years ago. Go look it up. That's what the fuck happened. And then it became, then it became, you can't touch them at all. It wasn't after five yards.

It wasn't before the five yards they were touching. It was after them, the physical contact that they were having after that, that they were bitching about. And then that's when it came. Okay. You can do the five yard chuck. And then after that bullshit, you can't touch anybody at all. Used to be able to hand check.

I'm not saying like, you know, that, you know, 10 years ago, you could fucking beat the shit out of me. I'm not saying that, but it's gradually kept moving towards what Jim Merce finally had was like, okay, you can push the guy, you know, in the first five yards. And then this is the gym. The Jim Merce rule is then after that, you can't do anything. Okay.

Which is why right after that, all of a sudden, all of Dan Marino's records started falling right and left. I remember one year there was like Drew Brees, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and like fucking Tom Brady were all on pace to break his like almost 30 year old record of yards in a season because of those, those ridiculous things that became almost illegal to cover a receiver. It was never like that when I was growing up ever. And if you don't believe me, do your homework, go look at,

go look at old NFL footage, the shit that you could do. The NBA is the same fucking way. You could beat the shit out of somebody if they came down the fucking lane. I mean, what Kevin McHale did, the Kurt Rambus, I mean, back in the day, that would be like a 10 game suspension or whatever. It would be, you'd be suspended for a number of games. And as far as I know, nobody even got thrown out, but I am going back like 30 years.

So please just, I don't give a fuck if you want to shit on my team, but just do your homework. That last trial was about a corporation's right to suspend an employee. That's what it was about. It wasn't about whether Tom Brady was guilty. And for all you cunts out there who are just obsessed with this air pressure, what if Tom Brady had fucking steroids delivered to his fucking mailbox in his wife's name?

Give me a fucking break already. And even then, I got to be honest with you, I don't think steroids change the outcome of the game. They help your personal performance, but if steroids just meant you won the game, then teams that did steroids, when they just go undefeated, I don't know, it gives you a competitive edge. It does. And whatever.

I am not against steroids. I think steroids should be fucking legalized. They should be researched to the hilt and just literally for the quality of life that everyone's going to have. I mean, singers blow out their voices. They get to take a steroid and they go out and sing their fucking song. Nobody in the crowd says that they cheated, right? I don't know.

Anyways, let's plow ahead. Whatever. I'm done arguing that, especially at this point, when all of that information that I just said is out there, I might have had a couple of things wrong, because I don't have literally the documents in front of me, but basically what I'm saying is true. And I just don't want to argue this shit anymore, okay?

No matter what, this guy's going to get suspended because at the end of the day, he works for this fucking corporation. And you know what? The NFL is actually right. I think they're wrong to suspend Tom Brady. I think that the investigation and all that was an absolute fucking witch hunt. I think all of that is bullshit, but I do think that the NFL as a corporation has to maintain the right to suspend somebody.

So if the bus has to roll over Tom Brady, then so be it, because it's going to make for a better league. Because if he gets away with this, then everybody's going to appeal it outside of the NFL, and then they lose control. And as much as I'm not a fan of monopolies, as a sports fan, it works out great. Like the UFC is the shit because the fighters have no options.

I feel bad for those guys, but it's great for me as a fight fan, because the best guys have to fight the best guys. Alright, advice. I smell. I have a crippling health issue since I was a kid. I fucking stink. People tell me I smell moldy. No doctor knows why.

Cologne and deodorants can't mask it. Oh my God. He goes, the odor actually gets stronger when I use those things. Showering doesn't help. So I am left alone with this issue. I'm trying to eat as healthy as possible and exercise every day, which seems to reduce the problem by 50%, which sounds like a lot, but still doesn't satisfy me.

I think it's a metabolic issue, which I don't even know what that is, and the body is trying to get rid of the toxins through the skin. Not sure though. Either way, my whole life revolves around this shit, and it led me through episodes of depressions as a teenager, and I even considered throwing myself off a bridge or in front of one of those great white trains us Germans are making. But life is actually decent despite this issue.

I can't attend any college classes because of the anxiety, but I have a great amount of friends. I'm happy, funny, alright looking guy, and my game is alright, so I still get my dick wet sometimes. Gross. Can't lock down any girl though, for obvious reasons. I don't even know why I wrote all of this, but I just wanted to tell you that this podcast and your comedy are really stimulating my butt-stinking brain.

Please come to Germany so we can see your show, and I can harass your nose. Thanks for reading, and go fuck yourself and your dog. Just kidding, I like your dog. Just go fuck yourself. Alright dude, I would just keep going to doctors. I bet they could figure something out. You know, there's got to be some new-agey type of thing. Some sort of detox.

If it's your body getting rid of a toxin, maybe you're allergic to something. I have no idea. I am obviously not a doctor here, but detox, fasting, changing your diet. There's got to be a way to do that. I remember a long time ago, there was some woman that just had, was talking about she had brutal halitosis,

which is your breath fucking stinks. It was fucking brutal, and it turned out she had some sort of sinus infection. And then once they cleared that up, her fucking, her breath was fine. So I bet you have this, you know, if I had to guess, there's something undiagnosed. You know, oh god, I'm sewing over my head.

You got something, maybe you have some sort of fucking infection. I have no fucking idea, and I bet, you know, there's got to be something. If somebody can take a nap and drive to fucking work and not kill anybody, they've got to figure out why you're moldy. I would just keep going to specialists, and if you guys have nationwide healthcare over there, I would just, that would be my new hobby, you know,

and just keep adding to your file, and somebody comes in and somebody will finally crack the fucking case as to why you smell moldy. I bet they can figure it out, you know, and then what would be great is you went through the alienation of this, so you got the sense of humor that comes from feeling alienated, and your life will be a fucking joke after that. I mean, think about it, dude.

If you could just stop smelling moldy, I would think that that's the number one thing, and then you'd be happy. Your life would be a fucking joke. So if you have nationwide healthcare, I would be seeing a doctor like fucking every couple of days. All right, buddy, it's like you're pulling people out of the crowd, they hit the half-court shot,

eventually the ball's going to go in. I'm gonna leave and do it. It's fucking Germany. You guys are fucking, you know, half our space program we stole from you guys, the whole seeds of it, audio tape, all that shit. You guys had better machine guns than we did. Ours would overheat, so if we killed you, we actually dropped our guns and picked up your machine guns.

There's no fucking way in 2016 they can't figure out why you're moldy. I feel bad for you, man. I'm rooting for you, and I hope you figure it out before you come out to my show. And I should probably know the answer if they didn't, you know? All right, go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. I'll check it on you on Thursday. See you.

Bye.