Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-20-19

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

Bill rambles about playoffs, talking points, and ghosting mid-date.

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A broadcast from Monday, May 20th, 2019. What's going on? How are you? Oh, I'm in a good mood. Yes, I am. First of all, first of all, your Boston Bruins are in the Stanley Cup final. Everybody's letting me know it's not the Stanley Cup finals. And they trash me like it's not the NBA finals. That's also fucking seven games.

It's the final, not finals. There's only one of them. Well, then fucking go write the NBA, you cunt. I love when people like to be right about fucking stupid shit like that, like all of a sudden, oh, oh, oh, I guess you went to an Ivy League school. It's anyway, not anyways. Oh, okay. So, oh, Jesus. Um, you know that, that bare minimal fucking intelligent thing that people do, like they just, just because they don't mispronounce fucking words and basic

conversation like I do, all of a sudden they fucking look at me like they're a road scholar. You know, I don't want to get arrogant here, but correct me if I'm wrong. You're listening to my podcast. All right, not the other way around. Anyway, the Boston Bruins have advanced to the Stanley Cup final. All right, nothing could be finer than to sweep Carolina in the Eastern Conference finals. Fuck those fucking people anyway, because they, they go to the steeple every Sunday in the Bible belt. None of you like ice hockey.

You're really into hoop, even though most of you are in the fucking clan. Figure that one out. Never understood why the, why the man down south like basketball so much yet does not like the black man. Figure that one out. I'm fucking with you. I'm not going to do that Hollywood thing. Okay. Where I act like all the racism is just down south.

Okay. It's right. It's out here too. It's everywhere. All right. Anyway, I'm just fucking around. I am very excited that the, dude, we, we win one more playoff series. We'll have won three. Yeah.

If I say we, I mean we. Okay. Cause I take all the fucking shit when we lose. Hey, Bill, you don't play for the Patriots. You could have fooled me when we lost to the Giants. I never got so many fucking phone calls and text messages in my life after those two losses. Let's see. What the fuck was I just talking?

Yeah. If we went three out of four, the last time that that was done, the only team, I guess the only city that's ever done it, as far as I know, was Detroit, Detroit. I guess sometime in the 1930s, the Red Wings, the Lions and the Tigers all won and won it in the same year. Granted, there was like maybe 30 teams total. Right. There was probably like what six fucking bill.

You're really going to be that country where you got to take it away from Detroit. Now God bless them. I hope we join the ranks of what the fuck they've already achieved. How about that? But I have to tell you, you know, watching this blues San Jose series, I thought that San Jose was the odds on favorite. They probably were. And I would have said that at the beginning of the series that I would rather have played

San Jose, but I got to tell you, after watching five fucking curves, these blues are a problem. They're big. They're fast. You know, they got far. I love today when I was watching the game game five that the blues just fucking mop the floor with them. Oh, actually hockey's played on ice. Thank you person who didn't go to Ivy League schools.

Sorry. Would you go to schools bill? You'd go to an Ivy League school. Whatever. Whatever. You're just as dumb as me. You know, why, why would you, why would you be listening to this if you weren't? Huh?

Think about that one. Let that one rattle around your fucking empty head. They actually, I mean, I can't say that they, they had game three one. Then they fucking blew it. They did let up the goal, but I just thought it was hilarious in game five today. That the, uh, the San Jose sharks fans were getting on the refs. It's like, well, you should be sending them fucking thank you cards after somehow all of them missing that hand pass that led to an overtime, uh, goal and a victory.

Obviously the fact that you're still in this series, um, I like everybody else in the hockey world for the most part, fully expected San Jose at home to come back and take control of this series and be up three games to two going down to St. Louis with two games left to try and close it out. And instead the exact opposite has happened. Your St. Louis blues who've been in the league since 1967. All right. Having sniffed a chance that went in the Stanley cup since what 1970.

Was that the Bobby or fucking game? Was it 72? I'm not looking it up. I don't give a fuck. It's been base. It's been 45. It's 47 or fucking 49 years. All right.

And they're great fans. And if they weren't playing my Bruins, I would be rooting for them. It's going to suck if I finally get to see the blue, uh, the blues win a fucking Stanley Cup championship. And, uh, it's like when I finally saw the Eagles win it, they had to beat the Patriots. I didn't quite get to enjoy it as much, obviously as much as I would have, but, um, yeah, I don't know. I by no means is saying the Bruins have this wrapped up.

I'm just psyched. We're in the final. And I know that it's going to be a, uh, it's going to be a tough series, but I got to tell you the blues. They're big. They're fast. I thought, uh, San Jose is the same way, but all of a sudden everybody seems like they're hurt.

So we shall see now, now that I've said that now that I've run, rub the blues, blue balls over there. They got blue balls from all the cups they never won. Okay. Um, I by no means think this series is over. Um, in fact, I think if San Jose wins game six, they're going to win game seven. Uh, and simply because they're playing the blues and this is what the blues do to their fans.

So if I'm a St. Louis blues fan right now, right now, I got to be thinking they better be closing this fucking thing on game six. Um, they got to close this fucking thing. How about Tarasenko on that fucking penalty shot? I like how he came all the way out like, yeah, like he was going to do all this fucking, uh, come in and do like 20 different moves like Patrick Kane and try to undress the guy. And then he just fucking over fucking top shelf. I don't know what the sound effect was for it.

I know it wasn't either one of those. Um, if you don't believe me, sync that up with the highlight. Tarasenko came in and he went, whee. No, he just, he just went top shelf. I didn't think the goal even fucking moved. It was over. And that put him up three to nothing. And then it just got ugly.

And then I don't know. And then one thing I don't like about hockey is when you get in your ass kick like that, that then people start going out and just trying to hurt people. Patrick Kane cross-checking the fucking goalie that just not Patrick Kane out. Uh, what the fuck is his name there? The guy was on Winnipeg and then he got traded around the league. What the fuck is he's not all those Patrick's not Patrick shop. Evander Kane.

There you go. Evander Kane. Um, I hate that shit. Um, when did Steve Ott become a fucking, in what world does that guy become a coach the way he played? That's fucking hilarious. And congratulations to him. I don't know what the hell he did to turn his fucking life around. And now he's telling people what they shouldn't, shouldn't be doing on the ice.

But that guy, that guy was straight up on a slap shot. Um, having said that fun guy to watch on a boring game, your session will expire in two minutes. What does that mean? Oh, I was editing this fucking thing here. Yet another episode. Keep me log log out now. There we go.

Editing episode 405 of efforts for family. Well, why is it called 405 bill? You've only, it four stands for the season. So it's episode five if you need to know. I didn't know. I didn't know for the first three seasons. I'm like, why, why is this called 301? Like it's season three.

It's the first episode. I was like, oh, okay. Um, so anyway, I will be watching, uh, that game six. I have not watched any of the NBA playoffs. I know that the, uh, Milwaukee Bucks, I think are still winning and surprise, surprise, Golden State is looking like they're going to beat everybody. Um, the NBA is a fucking worst.

That's the big baby league. Nobody stand in the paint. Don't challenge people. If a team beats you, then just join the team the next time. That's why I can't get into this whole fucking, who's going to get Zion? It's like, who gives a shit? It's not about who, who's going to get him.

It's who's going to get him next. That guy is there for one contract and that's it. They were doing this whole fuck. Well, what if Chicago gets it? Well, they should have fun. They got three, four years or whatever along the contracts are. They all leave and they pile on. He's going to end up on, uh, I don't know,

Golden State or fucking the LA Lakers or something like that. He's not going to, he's not going to, you know, these kids today, now they pick their teams like they're going on vacation. You know, I don't want to play there. It's going to be chilly. Um, I don't understand why people don't do it more like the NFL. I mean, I don't begrudge what Golden State's doing because it's legal. God knows everything with Celtics did it in 2008.

Was that our pile on team then? I'm just saying overall, it's just bad for the fucking sport. It would be great if, if everybody had a chance. So that's why out of the goodness of my sports fan heart, despite the fact that they fucking kicked my Celtics ass, I am rooting for the Milwaukee bucks. You know, like that's going to happen. Like they're going to, maybe they can get,

make it to the finals, the NBA finals, the Stanley Cup final. Um, whatever we shall see. Um, so did you guys hear any stories about abortion? Jesus fucking Christ. The amount of coverage that that gets versus like global warming, you know, mother nature's abortion, global abortion that she's going to do to us. If anybody flipping out, you know,

I can't believe the level of people that think they're smart in the way that they talk about people in Alabama. These in bed redneck fucks. Everybody looking at him like that. It's a beautiful fucking state. All right. It's, it has a lot of positives. And I have to be honest with you,

like there's really no more fucking. I don't know. I've actually traveled. I'm like a lot of fucking people who've never been to Alabama. Like if you, you want to find a racist person that it's not that hard. It's not that fucking difficult. If you want to find a fucking moron, um, and anytime anybody taught, I like, I get me honest with you.

I don't know, uh, I don't know where I stand on all this shit. You know, like a lot of things, I see both sides of the fucking argument. You know what I mean? Everybody sits there and it goes like, you know, you can use protection and then people say dumb shit. Like, well, you know, you do realize that condoms are at 100%. Well, you know, that's why you're not supposed to be fucking before you get married.

Here's the thing. The Bible isn't all bad. Does anybody have a problem with the 10 commandments? The seven deadly sins is one of my favorites. You know, even though I fuck up all the time, there's a lot of good shit in there. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Then there's a lot of bad shit, but it's, it's not all fucking bad.

And these people that are against this shit are trying to live by the way of the Bible. And the Bible says no premarital sex. And then all of us over here like, oh, hey, man, who's the church to say what I can do with my body, man? I'm going to have sex. Well, all right. Well, there you go. Then you run the fucking risk, right?

I love whenever they talk about abortion, then they always have to bring up like rapes. You know, they'll say shit like, I saw it literally somebody goes, so you're okay if a six year old gets raped by your father and she can't have an abortion. It's like, but first of all, a six year old can't get pregnant. All right. It kind of helps if you actually do a little bit of fucking research, right? Before you, before you say something like that,

but like they always make it seem like they're rape cases. Like most abortions are because of unprotected sex during what kind of rapist use a condom, right? I mean, most, most abortions are my fucking crazy here. And God forbid I have a fucking just ask a question here. Most abortions, aren't they because of people banging consensually and not using protection or the condom breaks? That's my favorite thing. The condom breaks. Nobody notices.

You notice when the condom breaks, right? It's like you're watching a football game at home and then all of a sudden you're on the field and you get tackled. All of a sudden there's a feeling, right? I see both sides and I don't understand why everybody has to fucking yell at each other. Okay. There's, there's too many fucking people. And, you know, as far as like when a life begins and when it doesn't, I have no fucking idea. I don't know what that means.

All I know is that like when people say it isn't a life, it's like, well, if you'd leave it alone, it would be. It would become one. So I am pro people being able to do whatever they want to do. I am, but I, but I am not to the point where I don't think that it's the taking of a life or the ending of a life. It's the ending of a life. It is because if you didn't do it, there'd be a baby. So something got ended. Something ended that baby's life.

And I think it was you with your fucking Hoover vacuum there, right? Something happened. And I think that people that are pro that want to say that it isn't because they don't want to feel that they're involved in something like that. Right? And then conversely, oh Jesus, I'm fucking, I don't even know where I am in this argument now. Then you got other people there saying that, you know, I don't know. I agree that it is the taking of a life. I think it's the ending of a depending on when you get it.

It's definitely the ending of a life. You ended a life. A life was going to happen and you ended it. You aborted it. And I don't think that people that are pro-choice like to hear that. They like to love that. It's not a fucking, it's not a life. Oh, really?

Really? You with your fucking non-medical degree? You who only reads medical research that agrees with your opinion, that's all that anybody does. So I don't know. I have no idea what the thing is. The number one problem, though, is there's too many fucking people. And for some reason, that never seems to come up in the abortion argument. I don't get it.

I don't know what, but I really wish all the screaming and yelling would stop. You know, the amount of fucking idiots, like, I think I just focus on the left because I'm on the left. I just can't fucking, the amount of, as I'm name calling here. I'm name calling them because they're on my team. All right? If you want somebody in Alabama to hear your opinion, okay, you don't call them rednecks and inbred. You've got to treat them with a certain level of respect. And I just, for the life of me, I just don't fucking understand.

You know, that and then screaming your point at somebody. God knows I tried that for a couple of decades. That doesn't work either. So, I don't know. And I also think that there's a lot of people on the left wagging their fingers about how fucking Republicans don't want to help out poor people and all that type of shit. And all I have to say to lefties, it's like, what are you doing to help out poor people other than voting Democrat? Do you get involved? You know, that's something like, I mean, I guess I do benefits, but I'm not involved.

I have all these fucking ideas. I have all these things that I get, you know, talking to Duff the other day, I was making me think about that. I'm not involved. And there's a lot of people who aren't involved and they're acting like they're involved because they're tweeting. And it's like you're not doing anything. And I think what I've learned since around the year 2000, the direction that we're going in is basically what I think what my last guest Duff was saying was basically that people, regular people have to go out and get involved and help regular people. And you have to kind of circumnavigate the whole political corporate money making thing, which hasn't been all bad. You know, I like a flat screen TV.

I like having 7000 channels. You know, it hasn't all been bad. There's just got to be a better way to fucking do it. So what does that have to do with abortion? I don't know. I don't know. I just saw a bunch of people fucking yelling about it and tweeting about it. You know, look at all of this shit, all of these fucking people.

So let's not talk about that. Why? Why don't we abort talking about the abortion shit? Well, here's a question I have, you know, for all those people who say that it's not the taking of a life. If I murder a pregnant woman, do I get charged with a double murder or do I get charged with a murder and an unlawful abortion? You know, how does that work? How does that work? At what point in the pregnancy is it a person legally?

I tried looking that up. I couldn't find it. I'm not good with the internet there. Here's another one that I don't get, right? They always say like, you know, if a guy gave birth, it'd be a God-given fucking right to have an abortion. Ah, bullshit. That's another crock of shit. If a guy gave birth, the fuck, the way women would worm their fucking way into that.

They would, everything that they say, this goes on in a woman's body. They would flip that whole thing emotionally. Do you have any idea what it's like to be that disconnected during the pregnancy? You get to feel it. You get to move around and bond with you and I feel like nobody likes me. All you have to do is run errands as you lie there asking for weird food. They would turn the whole fucking thing on its ear. I guarantee you they would.

That's one of the things that has bugged me about women going, like men shouldn't be making laws about my body. And it's like, well, you know something? You shouldn't be making all the decisions about men and women's shit either, by the way. This is, because this is something I don't, I don't get. Oh, here we go. This is what I wanted to get to. I don't get this. If a man and a woman have dirty, unprotected sex and they get knocked up, right?

They get pregnant. And the woman doesn't want to keep it, but the guy does. Huh? What happens? It's they're going to get rid of it. It's her body, right? It's her body. Go fuck yourself.

And the guy, I don't want to do this. I don't believe it. Go fuck yourself. You're done. Right? Now, conversely, if you flip that, right? And the man and the woman have dirty fucking unprotected sex and they get pregnant, right? And she wants to keep it, but he doesn't.

It's like, I don't want that fucking thing. Right? She's having the baby. Okay. Then when she has the baby, then it's their baby. How is it our baby when we don't make, get to make the decision about whether it lives or not? How come if a man, if a man says, I don't want that baby and she has the baby, why does

the old money? Why can't he say to the judge, I didn't want that fucking thing. She asked me if I wanted it. I said, no, don't want it. Get it out of here. Right? Why does he have to pay? Yeah, I'm just going to say, ladies, for all the fucking bitch mode and a complaining,

you really are sort of the Roman emperor and the whole thing thumbs up, thumbs down. Does it live? Does it not? The decision. All right. I don't know. I've kind of had it with this whole fucking, you know, I understand women in third world, second world, third world countries, women in first world countries, the level of complaining

that they're doing versus the lifestyle and the level of power that they have is just, it's not lining up. Now, granted, I have a lot of issues with women, which you'd never guessed from my standup history. Some of the shit I say here, but I mean, it's just like, I can't tell you this. The happiest, the most happy married men that I know do not argue with their wives. Whatever their wife tells them to do, they just do it. They just yes, dear, and no, dear.

And when you say that to these fucking broads who are all talking about equality, they all that's what the fuck they want. They want a fucking yes, man. I have found in my marriage as cool as my wife is. She's fucking the shit as cool as it gets. My life is easier. If I just, okay, sounds good. Sounds good.

You know, they're at, they ask you your opinion on things, but they don't. They just want you to reinforce what the fuck it is that they want to do. Okay. They know how to run the house the same way you know how to drive the car. They don't know how to drive the car. Okay. They're all over the fun fucking with you. Um, anyway, I told her to get rid of it.

Your honor, she said, do you want this baby? I said, no, I haven't recorded here. It doesn't make a difference. It's your baby. Well, what if I wanted it and she didn't want it? Well, it's her body. Do I ever win? No, you do not.

Next case. When a man fucks a woman. He's signing up for a ride. She's riding up front. He's in the back. Okay. All right. What do you want?

Did you want some informed opinion on the abortion issue? Because if you do, you I'm telling you right now, you're on you're on the wrong podcast. You are on the wrong fucking podcast. All I know is that if you have a baby, that's, that's the priority. Okay. I'm going to go for Oprah Winfrey. That's a girl's barold school show.

When a man and a woman have a child, what they need to do is prioritize the child. Right? When you get the applause break, Oprah nods like something deep was said. You're getting condoms and you're getting condoms. You're getting pro-phylactics. All right. Here we go. Speaking of prophylactics, let's do some reads for the let's do some fucking read.

Yeah. But before we do, before we let's put a little buffer between the between the womb talk and the fucking advertising here. Oh, Billy freckles. Oh, Billy, no sunshine. Ain't no sunshine ain't no wing boo boo boo ain't no pigment. I'm in some pain. Sorry.

I am not drank in 25 weeks. Next week. Next week, 26 weeks, half the year, just like that. I'm drinking something right now. For all you know, for all you know, that's fucking that booze right there. It isn't isn't 25 weeks. No fucking booze. I like it, man.

I actually I enjoy it. I'm to the point now where I don't even think about it. I'm actually seeing two bottles of unbelievable fucking booze. I got a bottle of pappy man winkles and I got a bottle of Kentucky. I'll just stare it at me. I got no interest. You know what I mean? It's like when you when you when you meet the right woman, you know, and then you stare

it at a couple of hotties across the room. Fuck those bitches. Keep it in my house. I give my house to you bitches. So I can have dirty unprotected sex with you and then you fucking you take you make all the decisions. I'm already in that boat. How many boats does a man need? I'm sorry.

All right. I am not drank in 25 fucking weeks. And next week to be 26 and then I'm then I'm running downhill. My record since I started booze and when I was 17. As far as like keeping track, I didn't drink 367 days a year in two days. So that's what I'm setting my sights on. I don't know. Kind of started off with that and now I'm just feeling like I think I'm done done.

You know, it's going to take a few years off or something like that. And then I don't know what occasionally have a beer. Right. I got to, you know what happened to me this past week? I fucking fell into a depression. I have not been depressed in forever. I don't know what happened. I think I got burned out.

Just working my ass off. And then I just been trying to stay home. And then I didn't have that balance. I wasn't getting on stage or something like that. And then I then I just started thinking like, I don't ever want to work again. I don't ever want to do anything. I don't want to leave the house. And I just started thinking that shit.

Like I was actually last night thinking like if I didn't have a kid, I would start drinking again and just slowly drink and smoke cigars and just check out at about 6970. That's where I was at. And then I was just like, what am I doing? I need to go out. Let's go out and have some fun. So last night, me and the lovely Nia went out to the, the, the, the wisdom. I think it's East LA.

And I watched some Pink Floyd music being performed by this incredible fucking band with one of my favorite drummers of all time friend of the podcast, Stephen Perkins. He was playing all the Pink Floyd stuff and it was really cool to watch him play it because not only did he crush it, it was so different from his style, which I think he's one of the most original drummers of all time. And, but watching him play that stuff last night, I kind of felt like I was watching him when he was a kid playing along to like the records that he liked. And, and then his style developed out of that. So it was really cool. And then they just had like, I wish I knew the names of the people. They had some guitarists who somehow connected with Kid Rock.

He fucking was just, it was unbelievable. And then there was another kid who could sing and play that they brought in last second. He blew me away. These three women that would just all of them next level singers. And we went there and you just sort of, they had like the psychedelic shit going on on the ceiling. I don't know. I never understood why people need drugs beyond just seeing that. You know, the stuff last night was exceptional because I gotta be honest with you,

most of the time when I've been looking at stuff like that and everybody's just like far out, man. Like, I just been like, all right, you know, some design. So it's just some pretty basic, you know, Art 101 depth of perception, you know, giving it a 3D feeling. It's going this way, but it's going that way kind of thing. Freaking me out, man. I just never, I know I'm a drinker. I don't want to sit there fucking, you know, tripping on some fucking vegetable, you know, watching a test pattern. All right.

I'd rather be drinking, yelling about a game, you know, that has no bearing on my life. I would rather do that. And that is the schism, the chism, the scasm. I don't even know how to say that word between drinkers and drugers. You know, because they always try to say that alcohol is a drug. It's like, it's not a drug. Okay, if it's a drug, it wouldn't be legal. Okay. So why don't you take that back to Alabama, you inbred redneck motherfucker.

Okay, here we go. No, I know it's a drug because I kind of cut out sugar. And now I can tell when there's sugar and some shit. I feel like I hit the fucking crack pipe again. We're in at all the energy in this podcast. Go Jesus Christ, you talk about a couple of dead babies and all of a sudden he's, all right, here we go into the advertising. Oh, it's him. 66% of men start losing their hair by age 35.

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There you go. You know what my daughter just woke up from her nap. I fucking love that kid. Wrap this thing up here in 22 minutes. And I'm going to go play with the kid. Oh, she's learned why everybody. You got to go to bed why. Because you need to get your sleep and then she goes why not. She doesn't know the difference why and why not. I want to ride horsey this one. She's putting it all together.

She likes going to the grocery store too which is fun. All right protein. Dear Bill Broccoli. I've been trying to do well on my my lazy vegetarianism. We're just like once a day I sort of chow down on the meat although I had eggs for breakfast and then I had a little chicken. All right, whatever. I'm lazy. What do you want from me? I highly recommend finding a good protein to supplement with your smoothies in the morning.

If you're going meatless for two out of three meals protein is what really gets the brain working and a guy like you needs all the help he can get. You're looking really healthy these days. Thank you. Keep the muscle and you'll live to be a hundred. Love you and love the podcast. I got this Mac a powder that I put in one of the smoothies. Like I said I'm not going full veggie here. I'm just trying to you know I got to live as long as I can with my kid. You know that's really the the reason for all this other than the usual vanity of that type of stuff.

But I got to be around for I want to see you know what she's going to do. Make sure she's all right and all of that type of stuff which is why all of these big issues in the world scare me you know which is why we should probably myself included. I should try to do you know something that never came about. I was going to do something for like public schools with such a fucking pain in the ass trying to figure it out. It never happened. I got to get back on that anyway plowing ahead here supplementing my smoothies with with broccoli. Oh finding a good protein to supplement your smoothies. Oh so I guess I guess that's what you meant by the way I do love broccoli.

I do love cauliflower. I love root vegetables. I actually really like vegetables. I'm not a big fruit guy. I'm a fruit but I'm not a big fruit guy. I like bananas you know I don't mind a handful of grapes but I just don't like that. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I don't like that fucking that sort of rush.

I like vegetables. You eat them. You're full. You feel chill. You keep your head together you know what I mean. Fruits like it like it's like a crazy person that that's you know emotionally unstable. Well what happens Bill is that the way you get the sugars in natural sugars. Now natural sugars are not bad for your body provided that you don't have too many of them.

All right cops called on copy. Dear Billy Batten. You hear about Ahmed Ahmed getting the cops called on him for a joke. What. No. Have you ever had cops show up at a gig of yours. No I did not. Wait a minute.

How could they get down there that fast. Was he working somewhere for a week. Florida man calls police on comic Ahmed Ahmed after Middle East joke makes him uncomfortable. The comic slide crack that it only takes one of us triggered an audience member to report him to authorities. A Florida man. Not enough stories start with that. A Florida man called police to report a comedian of Middle Eastern descent. Jesus Christ.

He's American. Everybody relax. He believed had told a joke that showed support for terrorism. Stand up comedian Ahmed Ahmed. Why he got two first night. Who is of a Egyptian descent. Poked fun at negative stereotypes of Muslim during a set at off the hook comedy club in Naples Florida on Saturday night. Say clap if you're from the Middle East.

Ahmed said according to a clip posted on the club's Facebook page after a smattering of cheers. A med slightly responded. All right. We got a handful of us in here. Nice. But hey, it only takes one of us. And then he paused to tell a joke. That was the joke.

Oh Jesus Christ. At least one member of the audience didn't get the punchline. A man called the Collier County Sheriff's Department and told the deputy Ahmed was organizing people of Middle Eastern descent to possibly commit terrorism. Oh, you had to that guy shoot an unarmed black guy in a hoodie on the way to the fucking. He said, okay, he said that's great. He said we can organize our own little terrorist organization. Wait, who said this. This is really poorly written or I'm dumb.

It's probably the sexy. The man called the Sheriff's Department told the deputy that Ahmed was organizing people of Middle Eastern descent to possibly commit terrorism. I guess this is what the guy was saying. Ahmed said he said that's great. We can organize our own little terrorist organization. And I don't think that was right. I mean, it really bothered me. The Collier said according to the audio of the call released by the Sheriff's Department and I yelled out and the patty wagon is going to be for you.

To be for you outside. The man added my wife and I looked at each other and we felt very uncomfortable. The Collier told authorities he was only at the club because he was given free tickets. Jesus. Ahmed told NBC News on Wednesday that the it only takes one of us line is in his regular act and never smart any blowback. Yeah, this is just stupid. You guys want to hear the call? We got to do this here.

I don't have the greatest technology. What's here? How come this? What do I get? And I got to click on this fucking thing. Hang on, Hang on, Hang on, Hang on. Oh, no, this is just him at an improv. That's not at the captain's jump off or whatever the fuck is called captain hooks off the hook.

What about Dr. Hook, huh? Oh yeah. All right. Well, yep, that's what people do nowadays. Well, look at that guy. I don't like that joke. Hey, because I'm stupid. That makes me feel uncomfortable.

I need to call the police. You know, so that guy wasted the police's time when they could have been in Florida getting a gator off somebody's fucking front yard or maybe stopping some crazy white guy from shooting an unarmed black guy. They could have been doing that. But nope, they're down there at Dr. Hook's fucking off the hook comedy club. All right. Lady with potential sugar daddy quandary. All right. I love the, the honesty of this.

All right. Hey Bill, I'm a 35 year old lady who single lives alone and works a full time gig. I enjoy. So I was really surprised when an old flame showed up out of nowhere and essentially told me told me he didn't want to grow old alone and he wants to make me his woman. Was it Richard gear? Did he come in wearing his Navy whites? Isn't that like a romantic story? And he gets you out of your job.

I'll tell you, I was so depressed the other night. If that fucking guy showed up, I would have left. I would have left with them. I asked what that meant and it sounded essentially like me being a paid tour manager slash groupie for him year round in exchange for companionship slash sex. All right. So you got an old boyfriend of yours who now is out there touring. Oh, he's a 50 year old musician. So I don't have any realistic expectation as far as monogamy, but I have grown really accustomed to being independent and not relying on anyone else for financial support.

Well, then I wouldn't do this. Also, I can't get over the fact that it feels like some weird sort of institution. So I'd love to know what you and Nia would tell your daughter if she came to you with something like this. Forget my daughter. I'm telling you, don't do this. I'm in no rush and have been content to wait for the right guy to come around. But this is one of those moments where I find myself wondering if I should just settle. I would appreciate any insight you two sweethearts could share.

Thanks and go enjoy your weekend. Don't do that. Don't take the short money on this one. Like you're doing great. You're financially supporting yourself. Wait for the right person to come around. You want to be with somebody that you're going to want to grow old with. I have that with Nia.

I think about that a lot, especially now with all the working that I'm doing. I think about hopefully living long enough to become a grandfather or whatever. But I think about, you know, when I think about being old, it's not a sad thing. Like me having a manageable work schedule, maybe be like semi fucking retired. And I just do like some Vegas gig or some shit. And just sort of putts around the house and Nia going, Oh, you gotta put on a sweater. You know, and they're just taking care of me. And we have our shows and I'll hold her yarn as she fucking knits, whatever the hell she wants to do.

You can't put a price on that. All right. And yeah, I wouldn't do that. I mean, here's a good sign you're entering a relationship that's not going to work. You oddly feel like a prostitute from the get go. I feel bad for this guy because I know a lot of people that have done the road and are alone at that age. He said he didn't want to grow old alone. You know what, and nowhere in there did he say that you were the one for him.

So yeah, I fuck that guy. Not fuck that guy. Just forget that guy. You don't need to be doing that. You know, all right. Plus, if he's going to be out there running around, my God, that's just dangerous. All right. Ghosting a chick mid date.

Oh, I've done that a couple of times. Not proud of it. Not proud of it, but I did it. And I did it not because I was being mean. I did it because I didn't know how to get the fuck out of there. And that was the easiest way. I'm sure some women have done it. I feel bad that I did it.

And I'm sure I paid for it in a karmic way. All right. Dear Billy Schmagma lips. I'm going to look to see what that means. I know it's brutally and I already feel bad enough about most of my body. I don't need to hear that. Okay. I hope you can weigh in on a little story that just happened to me.

I matched with this woman on Tinder and things were going all right. I threw a few jokes and she replied with tomorrow is my birthday and I alluded to wanting to hang out. I thought, why not? Oh, you fucking ghosted her on her birthday. Woof. Well, look up in the sky before you walk out the door tomorrow, dude. There might be a piano coming down on you. Anyways, she said tomorrow is my birthday and I alluded to wanting to hang out.

I thought, why not? I don't have anything going on. She was going to celebrate with her family on Friday and wanted to meet up for a beer on Saturday. Okay, at least it's not her birthday. Fast forward to say she messages me the location of the bar and wants me to come because she's lonely on her birthday. Oh, is this her birthday? This is her birthday weekend. You saying it's her birthday?

All right. It's her birthday. We're back on her birthday. Well, as soon as I show up, I buy a beer and she wants to leave. I should have seen this as a red flag already because I didn't even really get to know her through one beer. As soon as we get into my car, she tells me that we can't go to her place as her son is home with the date and that would be weird. It sounds also like there's some sort of time issue here. Like there's another guy.

That's what I would think. Like why? I didn't get to finish my drink. You're like, come on, come on, give me the dick. She's got to get back to her other life. This is fucking weird. Get out. Get out.

Get out of there. It's like your fucking earpiece came out of your ear and I'm in the van. What's he doing? Get him out of there. She wants me to pay for a hotel, not even knowing anything but her name and that she has a grown son. Yes, I know she was older, but she had the whole milk thing going on. Well, it could be that all the women know what the fuck they want. I don't like this at all.

At this point, I'm a little taken aback by the forwardness as you should be and having to suddenly foot the bill for a hotel room that I don't want to pay for. She won't even split it. You know, she's that fucking hungry for the D as the kids say on Instagram, the Graham. She changes her mind shortly after I tell her I don't even know her yet and wants to drive 30 minutes away to a bar in a more happening part of town. Now she doesn't. She wants to get away from the guy that's not banging her anymore, but she hasn't broken up with yet. I'm a little irritated at this point and she starts to say it's my birthday and we're driving. As we're driving, she starts to tell me how she wants more kids and criticizing me for not having any.

First of all, how the fuck did she end up in your car? Now all that's running through my head. Now all that's running through my head is to get her out of my car as fast as I can. Exactly. So I pull up to a gas station and give her 20 bucks to say I need a six pack for later in the night. And I'm going to pump some gas. Oh my God, that's hilarious. With the trip back to the bar, to bar back.

Watch her go in and don't even swipe my card and pretend to start pumping gas. As soon as the coast was clear, I put the pump back, got in my car and drove away and unmatched her on Tinder so she couldn't contact me. So am I an asshole here? Dude, no, that's fucking hilarious. And you gave her cab fare home. Okay. You gave and she's in a safe place. She's at a fucking gas station.

It's a public fucking place. Oh my God, that's hilarious. The gas station I left her at was only a few blocks from the bar where we left and there are plenty of ride shares in the area as well. It's also worth noting I legitimately felt like she would be the type of person to start hitting me if I rejected her while driving. Thanks and have a magical day. Casper. Oh my God, that's hilarious. Dude, I got to tell you something.

Not only was that not bad, you handled that perfectly. This had so many fucking red flags and you don't know what's going to happen. You don't know what she's going to do and God knows, you know, believe women, whatever the fuck she says. And there's something about her like, you know, you got to be, let's get the fuck out of here. Let's go to a motel. She wanted to get it done and then if you wanted to get to know her, fine, I'll get to know you. Why couldn't you stay in that bar? She's got to go 30 minutes away.

This just reeked of another guy driving around trying to find her. Where the fuck is she? Why isn't she fucking her man on her birthday? Like that guy isn't out there looking for her? The fuck out of here. And she seems like she had a kid real young. I don't know. I think you, I think you did.

I think you did good. You did good, son. You did real good. And a gentleman too. You could have said I want a candy bar and give her a couple of bucks. Although she is going to walk out with the booze, but you paid for it. Ah, fuck her. Good for you.

God bless you, sir. God bless you. It's kind of leadership America needs right now. Son is a fuck boy. Okay, I'm not sure I know what that means. Hey, Billy Looslips, I'm writing to you for a little insight. I am a mother of the age 42 and my son at the age of 18. He's an only child.

And although his father wasn't around, I think I did a decent job with him. But you call him a fuck boy. I made sure he got to school and if he threw up, I took him to the doctors. I don't know if it's his new friends or just genetics from his father, but ever since he's been in college, he's been breaking hearts left and right. Me and his stepfather parentheses, he knows it isn't his real father, try to raise him to be a man and take responsibility for his actions. I'm hoping it's just a phase and he's not becoming his biological father.

He has a new girlfriend every week and the longest he's held a relationship was a month and a half. That's not really breaking hearts. I mean, maybe a month and a half a woman can get feelings enough to love you, but I mean, if you're with a woman for a week, I mean, give me a break. He's banging. I never attended college, so I don't know if this is just college kids or what. Whenever I try to talk to him, it turns into an argument slash fight. And when his stepfather tries to step in, the situation gets worse.

I'm afraid that I released a heartless fuck machine into the world. I don't care if he gets married or not. If all he wants to do is fuck, so be it. I just wish he wouldn't break those poor girl's hearts in the process. Any insight would be appreciated. Well, yeah, I think you're kind of projecting. How do you know he breaks these women's hearts? If he's only with them for a week, you know?

I mean, how hurt can you get month and a half yet? That's fucked up, I guess. But you're also ignoring the fact that he's a product of your upbringing, which you basically said you did a decent job. You made sure he went to school. And if he threw up, you took him to the doctors. I mean, that sounds like, I mean, those are your words. That's kind of sounds like you did the bare minimal here.

And the friends I have whose dads or moms didn't stick around, you know, at the age he's at, they have to process that. So he's going through the process of that. And I don't know, I've always had this thing. When you're in your 20s, you're kind of, you're out there taking your childhood out on people because you don't know who you are yet. And if you had a good childhood and you were raised right,

then you're probably doing good things. But if you had a bad childhood, you're out there hurting people, not even realizing it. You know, it just seems like normal behavior. You're doing what was done to you or whatever. I don't know, there's too many variables here. I would say, I know, it's weird that when you try to talk to him about it, he starts flipping out.

I don't know what's going on here. But, you know, if he was somebody for like a week, if he's fucking telling him that he really likes him, he sees that there's going to be a relationship here, then yeah, he shouldn't be doing that. But I have to be honest with you, a lot of people don't have that skill set male or female at the college age. And people listening, you would be surprised, specifically guys,

you'd be surprised what honesty does with a woman. If you just tell her upfront what the fuck it is you're doing. What are we doing? Well, I'm between relationships right now. I'm not looking to get in one. So what are we? We're just having fun? Yeah.

So you don't like me? Well, I like you. I just don't like you like that. Why not? I don't know. You just answer them honestly. And you'd be surprised the amount of times that they'll hang out and sort of, you know, still hook up with you.

It's weird, but you always have to watch out with women, because then you don't know if you got one like, oh, I'm, you know, once he hits this, he'll be fucking, you know, loving me or whatever. It could be something like that. Or I just was just thinking of me just rolling her eyes at me that I just said that. But all right, I'm going to close with the art of the fuck buddy. Okay, there's the art of war. There's the war of art and there's the art of the fuck buddy.

The art of the fuck buddy is that what you're doing is neither one of you wants to catch feelings. Neither one of you wants to be in a relationship. So what you have to do is there has to be a, there has to be time between hookups. Okay, you have to use protection and then you do the deed. You don't just get up and run out of there, but you get the fuck out of there soon. You don't hang out and watch a fucking movie. You don't go out to dinner. You are fuck buddies.

You are buddies who fuck. That's it. All right. You have a good day and then you get the fuck out. You get away from each other and you fuck off for a while. That's it. You fuck off for a while. You know, I'd say at least 10 days, at least 10 days.

At least 10 days. No fucking contact. No nothing. You'd be surprised how fucking cool women are when you're fucking honest with them. I wish I learned at a younger age. You could literally set something up. All right. Let's just be fuck buddies twice a month.

That way nobody catches any feelings. That's it. All right. Tuesday night. Every other Tuesday. Cool. But only Tuesday night. If either other person cancels, then it's going to be another two weeks.

That way nobody gets fucking hurt. There you go. You both got an ace in a hole. Ace in a hole. Who knows? That probably still ends up getting fucked. It always ends up getting fucked up. Anyways, that is anyway.

That's the podcast. Congratulations to the Bruins in the Stanley Cup final. Congratulations to the Golden State Warriors as they roll along to NBA finals. And go blues. I want to see the blues. I want to see you make it to the finals. We'll have a rematch. A rematch of the 1970 or the 72.

I might as well look it up now, right? The Bruins. 1970. Cup. First. Who did they play? The Stanley Cup finals. National Hockey League.

The Bruins in the St. Louis Blues. It was 1970. So they haven't been there in 49 fucking years. You've got to root for the Blues, right? I have to root for my Bruins because they're my team. But anybody else, you've got to root for the Blues. They've got that big of a drought. They've never fucking won it.

53 seasons. 52 years. Think about that. There's people that were like in their teens and went to that first St. Louis Blues. St. Louis Blues game. All right. And now they're pushing 70. If you were 17 fucking years old, you'd now be 69.

So if you're eight, anybody 18 or older is at least 70 years old. Been waiting. And waiting and waiting and fucking waiting. Vietnam War ended. Grenada. The First Iraqi War. Spuds Mackenzie. Think of all the things that happened.

This never-ending fucking conflict, whatever the hell we're involved in. Cell phones. We get it, Bill. It was a long time. All right. I don't want to fucking tell you. All right. That is the podcast.

You know what I'm going to do tonight? I'm going to fucking go down to the Comedy Storm. I'm going to try some abortion material. All right. And you know what? There's going to be a party. There's going to be a Florida man who's on vacation. He's going to have a difficult time with it.

He's going to have a difficult time with it. But that's not how I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it to make fun. You know what I want to do? I want to go down to Lago. Fucking ground zero of liberals. And I want to go down there and I want to, I want to, I want to do jokes that are pro-life. It's not the taking of a life.

It isn't. Well, after the procedure, where'd the baby go? What happened? It's that baby yet. Are you a doctor? Are you a medical person? And they'll be like, are you? And I'll be like, no, I'm not.

But can you tell me, you know, something happened? It's good. It's good for the popular. It's good for the rainforest. Abortions. Good for the rainforest. That's what they need to do. They need to get these, these people in Alabama who love to hunt and they love to fish.

They love getting out there and going after them ducks. Right? To get them on board. You got to bring, you got to tell them that if you kill these babies, there's going to be more trap. It's going to be more bar. Right? Fasins and all this shit that they love to shoot.

It's all going to fucking go away. I got something else. How about we go liberal hunting? How about that? Shit. Get me a license. I'll fucking, I'll fucking shoot them from here all the way to fucking Boston, Massachusetts. There has to be a way.

Why is there only two sides to an argument? You know, it's got to be that third side. Isn't there? What's the third side? We just walk away and say, I can't listen to this anymore. Oh, we are in extra time here in the podcast and it is not going well. All right. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. Good luck to the blues.