Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-20-24

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

Bill rambles about comment sections, irrational fears, and making out with a stripper in another country. Helix:  Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR  Indochino:  Go to www.Indochino.com today and use code BURR to get 10% off any purchase of $399 or more. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 20th, 2020. Foa, what's going on? How are ya? Oh, Freckles is on the fucking Panthers. But when we won game five and we were up one, nothing after two periods, I was thinking, you know, we're scaring them. We're scaring them. It's fucking the craziest thing ever being up three, one, you lose game five and all of a sudden you look, you feel like you're so far up. All it is is just one victory. Three, two, and then they're like oh fuck if we lose

tonight all of a sudden the pressure's on you um congratulations to the fucking Florida Marlins um you know I just gotta say it at this time um last two years they're just a better team than we are but I like the grit that we showed and this should have been a hangover year losing Bergeron and Craigie, but we were in the upper third of the NHL. Won a playoff series, saw a lot of positive things this year. I thought the front office did a great job. So I am happy as a Bruins fan. You know, would have sucked to lose first round, you know, two years in a row. And then we never would have heard the end of it from the fucking Maple Leafs, which is ridiculous. Because I can't even, I've lost count how many times we beat that fucking team. Um, so anyway, uh, buckle up New York ranger fans. That's going to be a great series.

Um, I'm really looking forward to that because the Rangers are a tough team too, and they can score goals. Uh, but they, they're fucking Panthers, man. They, they know how to win in the playoffs. I can't explain it, man. They figure you out and they shut you down and they block shots and they piss you off and they get you out of your game. I mean, just write down the fucking checklist. You want a dirty play?

They can do that. Whatever you want to fucking do, you know, they are built to win. They are a motherfucker. And they're like Jason Voorhees or whatever the fucking guy's name from Crystal Lake. You have to play 60 minutes. You just cannot. Never think you have a game won. If I've learned anything over the last fucking 13 playoff games in the last year I've seen against them they are just a fucking buzzsaw man they they they're coming. Condolences to New York Nick fans Jesus

Christ the injury bug what a time to hit you. Congratulations to the Pacers. You know, actually, Nick fans are fucking hilarious. So I, you know, I always go easy on Nick fans because I love Paul Verzi, but the rest of them, the fucking arrogance of the, I don't, I don't give a one in fucking how many presidents? It's not even years at this 51 fucking years I Mean, that's the kind of thing like you hang up in your restaurant You know come on come to Nick's deli 51 years of service. They're the opposite 51 years of fucking losing

Just not winning a championship, and they just sit there jumping up and down screaming and yelling on social media like they're uh like they're gonna win something sorry I had to go in the other room my kids are making too much noise anyway I'll tell you what I did sit down and watch I watched the the PGA tournament this year couldn't I'm gonna go Chris Berman here. Congratulations to Xander killing them shot shawfully. Sorry. Fucking guy was minus 21 for the tournament and he only won by one stroke and he had to birdie the last fucking hole because this other guy I don't know any of the names here I wrote him down so I wouldn't butcher them. Just out of respect of how well everybody played. Bryson DeChambeau had a fucking epic tournament and he had like, I don't know, I lost count.

He had like six, seven, eight birdies, no bogeys on the final day. Came from behind to me to tie Xander Schauffele at minus 20. Victor Hovland was also there, double bogeyed on 18 unfortunately, but Bryson with like a small town watching, Birdies 18 to tie Shofley at fucking minus 20 and then he's got to be thinking like what the fuck do I got to do to win this tournament? And it's a par 5 on the 18

He got on in 3 and what it was a not an easy putt I'm not good at judging putts, but it looked like a good You know it was it was it was that Length where it's just even for a pro. This is not this is not a gimme and He knocked it down in front of everybody, won his first tournament. It was amazing. Shout out to Colin Mura Kawa, who basically played a perfect round of golf, part every hold, had one bogey

and then finally got a birdie. Damn birdie putts were just not syncing for that that dude. But he finally got it birdie. Damn birdie putts were just not sinking for that dude, but he finally got it on 18. And then the Scotty Scheffler thing was fucking hilarious. You know, it's all just a misunderstanding. Well, you don't speak English? The road's closed. Huh?

I'm an officer, stop. Go? Are you saying go? You're dragging me down the street and I'm shitting my pants. Hit the accelerator? It's all a misunderstanding. I understood it perfectly. I'm a white man on my way to a golf course. I have a tee time. Road signs mean nothing to me. It's fantastic. It was fucking fantastic.

You know, every time you see, you know, there's some white privilege for you everybody right there. We like, you know, it doesn't mean you grew up rich. It means that right there. You could drag a cop, have him shit his pants when the fucking thing says don't go up the road and you still golf that day. That was just a misunderstanding.

I didn't I can't I don't know I didn't have my glasses I couldn't read he was saying stop and I always get confused if that means go or not. Anyway and I got to tell you fucking shot like I don't know what he shot that day he had a fucking great round. And it was so annoying and I was actually I was on the road watching it and he wraps it up and I was like wow that was an amazing thing to see and then while the other guys are all golfing they cut to him and they do the full fucking press conference. He sits down he goes you know cause somebody got run over by a bus

that was working for the tournament. He goes, obviously, my heart goes out to that, it's bigger than what happened, but I obviously cannot talk about this. If you wanna talk about the round of golf, I will. And then just immediately, they just started finding ways to ask about what happened in the morning. I fucking hit mute.

And they sat there with the full fucking press conference as the top golfers in the world were playing a major and I had to listen to this guy. You know, I didn't, I put it on fucking mute. All right. And then when he was done, they didn't go back to the golf. They went to ESPN and then they broke down what the fuck just happened. And they were away from the gala. Like, you can't show this after.

I don't know, maybe because it was the, you know, second day in or whatever. But like, the whole fucking thing was hilarious to me. It was very like, you know, happy Gilmore. I don't know. With a little bit of, what's his face? Who's the big guy that used to fucking smoke cigarettes? I don't know. I'm too fucking old to remember people's fucking names. There's just something funny about golf. You actually play better if you're a little shit-faced.

Football used to be like that. But anyways, I was joking on Twitter saying that it wasn't golf anymore. By the way, I'm always going to call it Twitter. You know? X. Why would you do that? That guy's funny to me. What the fuck, is that Tesla guy? I like how guy's funny to me. What the fuck is the Tesla guy?

I like how he's trying to be dangerous, you know, smoking weed on podcasts and then fucking throwing out his opinions. There's something fucking really funny about that. And he annoys the shit out of people. So anytime he has a comment on something, I go like I always go right to the comments because I gotta you know I gotta give a shout out to all you fucking civilians out there some of the comments you guys leave in these things are better are equal to whatever a comedian could come up with there was this German guy he

posted this video and he goes he he's like, here are three things that are in America that are not in Germany but should be. And he was talking about big coffee cups, was one of them, I forget what the second one and the last one was an everything bagel, saying we don't have these in Germany, they should have them. And the first comment was, I can think of about six million reasons why you don't have those in Germany Fucking perfect joke fucking Perfect joke not one ounce of fat on it every word belongs in the sentence

You got right to the funny as efficiently as fucking possible fantastic you guys you get some of you guys out there you're doing some really good you're doing some really good work you know maybe you should give give stand up a try man it's it's the fun of a few things left in entertainment. You can go, you can make some fucking money at. Anyway, plowing ahead. I want to thank everybody that came out to the shows in Columbus, Nashville, and Winston-Salem.

I mean, that's how fucking Tobacco Row is that. The city that's named fucking tobacco row is that. A city that's named after two different cigarettes. And I gotta tell you, I did the road with Joe Barton, who's been out there headlining, and he was nice enough to come out and open for me. And all I saw was 15 minutes of his new hour. He was fucking murdering. The shit was hilarious.

I got a bunch of people tweeting at me asking who he, you know, where's he performing? What's the name of the guy? That's always a great sign. He absolutely killed. We had such a good time, man. We went to three really, really good comedy cities and I got to spend like a day and a half in Nashville. Columbus I came in the day of so I didn't get to really do anything. I hate to say it, I've never even walked Ohio State's campus. I probably shouldn't after all the years I've been making fun of their football fans whining about not getting into the fucking playoffs, but I didn't do that that night. There was no reason to do that.

Um, so, you know, you got to, there's a time and a place during football season or whatever, but you know, if you're, if you're booking me to work your college, I'm not going to trash your fans. Um, not to mention, you know what you're doing. Um, and then Nashville, I went down there. Oh my god That's such a fun town and an absolute shit show That's the classic like like their Times Square whatever that fucking street is where all the tourists go and All of these fucking bruds like they have like their their bachelorette parties and they all put on Daisy Dukes

Where they have a nice ass or not, you know, they all put on a cowboy hat and cowboy boots, right and most of them. They're like force I'm not gonna lie to you. They're not good-looking women and they're just peddling these bikes down the street and all they do is go They're up there like twerking and trying to twerk. It's just a fucking, it's a fucking mess. It is a fucking mess and it's, but it's wildly entertaining. There's no way to get bored when you walk down that street. You're just watching this people in different levels of alcohol consumption. It's sort of a PG 13 bourbon street. You know, people are drunk, but they're

not too crazy. But I'm sure late at night it gets bad. But you walk around there during the day, you know, we went and got some barbecue at one place and there was one woman with like her head down on the table. She just, you know, we've all been there. She just went too hard. You know, she played the game. She lost, right? And so we were going down the street. And I swear to God, like every like three minutes, all of a sudden just hear, and they were listening to the worst music ever that you know, whatever that fucking song is, something about being a woman. It's just a fucking, I mean, it's just a horrible song. It's a a woman. It's just a fucking I mean, it's just a horrible song. It's a big hit. It's a big hit and they were going nuts that you know pour some sugar on me

Twerking to pour some sugar on me by Def Leppard. It was fucking Amazing or we were just sitting there, Me Clubs, Soda Kenny and Bartnik and they would go by and we were just laughing, waving to them and everything. It was just a fucking glorious, glorious shit show. Got some great barbecue. I forget the name of the place though. I got it written down on my phone, but it wasn't the spot. But it was, it wasn't the, I used to always, we'd just go to that place, Jack's on the main drag, but I went to something right near this hotel. Oh fuck, what was the name of the hotel? I'm the worst, whatever. It was probably the best. What did they have there that was delicious? The sauce was fantastic. And then they had, I don't know, the cornbread was really fucking good.

It was just one of those deals. And I've been staying away from bread. I got the special coming up, so I've been doing that. The only thing bad that happened in Nashville was I went and there was a taco truck. So we had one chicken taco. Just ate the chicken. I didn't eat the tortilla or whatever the fuck it's called, right? I always get all of that. There's too many T's. I always get it screwed up. Tortilla, tortilla taco. There's

something else. I've been in LA long enough but like I just my short-term memory just stinks. But I was just like, all right, I'm gonna get some chips and guac with it too. I mean, I got to do that, right? The guy fucking hands me guacamole in like, you know, you know those to go applesauce containers that you give to a kid and you tear the top off? They, it was that, but with guacamole in it. And I was just looking at the, I mean, I was just like, guacamole is only green for about

nine minutes. How the fuck is that shit still green? I am not eating that. I almost gave it back to him, but I don't know, I still want to be rude. I just, you know, and I bit into one of the chips, it was fucking stale, but the chicken was good. I mean, it's chicken. How do you fuck up chicken, right?

So, um, I fucking, uh, I couldn't get over that. I didn't take a picture of that and send it to my wife but I mean that's what I get. Who the fuck orders a taco in Nashville Tennessee? I did get barbecue so I'm not I'm not completely stupid. So then the next day we drove down to Winston-Salem. What a great drive, man. The 40, the whole way, you know, through Tennessee volunteer Knoxville country and through the Appalachian Mountains, dude.

It was fucking gorgeous. Fucking gorgeous. Just one of those things where I was just looking like, why do I live in a city? Why do I live in a city? I should just live out here in the middle of nowhere. And then we drive into town and this is Confederate flag, giant fucking Confederate flag. Like, that's probably why. That's probably why I don't fucking live out here.

Other than that, but everybody, you know, not everybody's that way. But anyway Barton I get a fucking hilarious joke about the Confederate flag too so anyways, we get there right and it was like It was raining fucking cats and dogs and somebody hit a light pole And knocked it down and the power went out. And then they were saying like, you know, there was a chance it wasn't going to be a show.

And people were talking about generators and fucking, you know, extension cords and all of this shit. And by the way, I was playing, I was playing in the arena where what's his place? Tim Duncan played? Wake Forest played College at I remember all the Celtics fans were excited like oh my god This guy's like a perfect Celtic the big fundamental. He's using the backboard

You know, we don't dunk on people. We just fucking beat you with the with the fundamentals. That's what we've always done And of course we didn't get him, but Chris Paul played there. It was ridiculous. They had all the pictures up on the wall of everyone that ever played there that went into the NBA to become a Hall of Famer, or even just came in for a couple of years, a cup of coffee or whatever. It was really, really fucking cool. So because the show got delayed like 45 minutes, I got the fucking

You know be like a nerd just going up and down reading all of that stuff legendary venue and it reminded me of a venue That I want to play out there. I did this rough and rowdy thing with barstool sports a long time ago pre pandemic right Everything in my life. It's like, you know before Christ after death, right? Right now it's like the pandemic everything before the pandemic seems like a million years ago. So There was a This arena that they had it in they called it the house that Rick Flair built and I was just like this be a great Place to shoot a special or whatever. It's an old wrestling arena

It's just like a mini arena. a great place to shoot a special or whatever. It's an old wrestling arena. It's just like a mini arena. It's not fucking huge. The upper deck, I mean, I can't remember if it was like two rows or five rows or whatever. Everybody just jammed in. And I, and I remember telling my, my agent going, I got to come back here, put the stage right in the middle and, uh, we got to do a show down here. So that reminded me of that.

But, um, I do have a, uh, soft spot for, uh of that. But I do have a soft spot for North Carolina. I lived there a long time ago for two semesters. Did not go well and I left, but I really, I like it more now than I did then. I was in a bad place. Had nothing to do with the state. I was just in a bad place. I was like going to college

because that's what you're supposed to do. And my heart wasn't in it and I wasn't doing well. And I was going part-time and it was costing me a fucking fortune and I just had to regroup and go back to Boston and you know work my way through all of that shit through college and all that shit. I didn't I think I finished when I was like 24 December. I was like 24 and a half and then I was 25 when I actually walked and got my diploma. It's just like, I am a fucking loser. It just took me forever, you know? Um, we didn't have the money so had to work my way through college and I was you know doing a couple

Classes per semester and then finally I just remember I Was just getting so much older than everybody else and if you took a core requirement class to be like freshmen in there And they look like kids to me. I was like I gotta get the fuck out of here So finally I just took out some student loans And I went straight through student loans and I went straight through the summer and just blew through going to Emerson. I did three years and two years and just got the fuck out of there. I have to get on.

I mean, I should be like divorced. I'm so fucking old at this point. It was really embarrassing that last semester when I was there. I'm just like, oh my God. It wasn't a good time in my life. Why am I talking about that shit? Let's, speaking of not a good time, let's listen to me reading out loud here.

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Talk some shit, baby Doing sweet out you like those initials right on my collar old school old school for 99 Last attempt home court advantage. Oh God Guys, I understand your philosophy. I understand the philosophy. I get it. I get it. You guys are making the assumption that if you... Okay, I'll read this again.

Wow, your response to the writer explaining stealing home court advantage was exactly like people who are too blinded by politics or religion to respond. No it isn't. And I like how you wrote wow with capital letters to try to PED your fucking point here. Just like the blue ties versus the red ties that you make fun of. Oh god we're gonna bring up politics in this. You didn't even get more than two sentences into the person's letter and ranted about arguments that he didn't even make.

You didn't even hear him out with an open mind already. Because I've heard these all before. I don't buy into it. If you have a game at home, you don't automatically win it. Okay? It was invented by 24-hour sports networks to add more urgency. When I grew up, when somebody split at home, nobody used to say they stole home court advantage. That is a new expression.

Can you respect your fucking elder? You don't automatically win if you have a home court. Okay? So now you're going to hit me with these fucking analytics. The fucking Minnesota Timberwolves. Did they double steal home court advantage? Next thing you know, the fucking, they were down 3-2. It's bullshit.

It's like the pitch count. It's fucking bullshit. It's like the pitch count. It's fucking bullshit. It's all bullshit Analytics, it's fucking bullshit. Not all of it, but most of it is bullshit. You're not going to convince me of this fucking argument After game one if you win game one now, you got to look at it now. It's like a six game series Oh, we're not counting game one anymore After game two now it now you got to look essentially at the five game series. Oh, we're not counting game one anymore. After game two, now you got to look essentially at the five game series. When the series is over, essentially it's a no game series. It's the essentially, which is how you're shoehorning your stupid fucking

math. I don't buy into it. I don't buy into it. It's sensationalism. You're trying to win a championship. In order to win a championship, yes, you have to win games on the fucking road. And yes, you're going to lose some games at home. And you have to put on your big boy pants to use another fucking expression and win the fucking games. Nobody on the team, the coaches, none of them are thinking we lost home court advantage. They're just thinking how do we win the next game? Losing home court advantage, they stole home court advantage, what do they say? That is just for fans like you to sit there and go wow like you're a fucking GM, you're not. Alright, whatever. I gotta listen to more of this fucking idiocy. Just like how religious people don't listen to arguments and go against...

No, this isn't the same thing. This isn't the same thing. What my opinion on a sports league doesn't justify dropping bombs on children. Doesn't justify a crusade. Doesn't justify trying to push an entire, you know, group of people into the fucking Mediterranean Sea. It's just an opinion on sports. If you actually had a fucking point to make, you wouldn't have to go this fucking big. Anyway, in your defense, the writer open with you are absolutely wrong, which is clear,

hurt, sensitive, Billy Ballistics feelings. Mathematically, the statement of stealing home court is correct. It isn't. First of all you didn't make one point there. All you said was I just fucking jumped the gun and now you're already saying that is correct. Okay, here we go. I am literally, I am literally gonna have to sit through this again. He goes, are you done? I will leave you with just two points to consider.

One, it's not like the bad things come in three example you gave. Unlike that example where you can continue to reset and move the goal post, a best of seven series has a finite number of games. Yes, but I can keep saying essentially it's a six game series. Essentially it's a five game series. Essentially it's a four game series. That was the point. I understand that infinite is not the same as seven.

He goes, yes, read that again and make sure you understand what that means. Oh my God, the fucking arrogance of this. Okay, essentially your argument boils down to home court advantage doesn't exist at all because you're not guaranteed to win all your home games. Yes. And if you want to win a championship, guess what? You have to go into somebody else's building and win. Be you the favorite or be you the underdog. That's what you have to do. And that's the game that's really being played. On the outside is a bunch of fucking

analysts in suits who didn't fucking even break a sweat sitting there with HD makeup on telling me that somehow home court advantage was just stolen. And then and like what the team's gonna fucking implode. It's basically it's chicken little is you're telling me the sky is falling and it isn't. It's nothing. We are playing basketball. Four games are in my arena, three are in yours. Nothing is going to change that. I have to win four games, you have to win three games. Nothing changes that. I believe you admitted that you don't automatically win if you're at home,

so I don't understand why they turn on the sirens when somebody loses one of the home games at the beginning of the series. I just don't think it's that big a fucking deal. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, with that logic then it's just as dumb to call it home court advantage at the beginning of the series. Yeah it is. I'll go with that. I agree with that. At the beginning of the series the truth that you're not necessarily going to win all your home games is just as true. Yes it is. It is. That's it. That's all that's happening here. Nothing else is happening. Numbers aren't being moved around. Numbers of games in your place versus games in the other person's place has not changed. You've just decided to ignore some of the games so the math works out.

You've also chosen to ignore that you're not automatically going to win a fucking home game. Yes, if you throw all of that out, your point, I'm not reading any more of these. I'm not reading any more of these. It's so fucking, it's right up there with the fact that the defensive player can't stand in the paint anymore for longer than three seconds and I have to watch people take unguarded fucking layups and dunks and then stand there and stare at the crowd and scream as you thump your chest because you dunked on nobody. Alright? But whatever.

Just cast me off as some fucking old man but it's, it's, the pitch count is bullshit. It's all fucking bullshit How the fuck did guys a hundred years ago you're pitching today, it's a doublehead or they would pitch it Don't mean both games their arms didn't fall off and they played for 15 fucking years. I Mean There was no pitch counter Nolan Ryan Tom Seaver there was no pitch count on Nolan Ryan, Tom Seaver. There was no pitch counts on these guys. I don't know what the fucking problem is.

Where all of a sudden, after all of these fucking years, they were making it seem like everybody had to retire from pitching at the age of 26. They didn't. It's, there's so much extra fucking bullshit in the games. There's so much fucking analytics that there's no more, that there seems to be very little going with your gut. The vibe of the game, the moment and all of that. It's just like, okay, it is fourth at three.

What do the analytics say? That you do here. It's like the game is on autopilot. The do the analytics say that that that you do here? It's like the game is on autopilot. The coach doesn't have to make decisions anymore You know, I don't know. I just don't agree with it. So why don't we just agree to disagree? All right. I Mean, I'm just convinced it's a sports journalist like who came up with that It happened all the time when I was growing up and nobody ever said it and then all of a sudden out of nowhere people start

saying it and it what it just gets you to you know it's hype man shit it's it's I don't think anybody any professional athlete is sitting there going, oh my God, we lost home court advantage. What are we going to do? This is my experience with professional athletes and I've asked them all this and they all have told me the exact same thing. I said, what is better? Okay. Hitting a home run, scoring a touchdown, whatever the fuck it is you do at home and hearing the crowd go crazy? Or is it better to do it on the road and shut them the fuck up and make a couple of kids cry and they all smile and they go, oh, on the road, on the road, definitely. Okay, so why don't you throw that into your fucking analytics?

You know, maybe you should ask the fucking athletes rather than listen to these fucking idiots on sports talk radio. You know, who just are forever, forever coming up with fucking ways to make shit, you know, to ramp up pressure, to make It's PT Barnum horse shit is all it is. It's like when these guys, they go up to these professional athletes, you know, that guy went up to that dude, Yanis, who's a fucking champion at the highest level and they lose in the first round. He goes, you know, do you feel like a failure? That question had nothing to do with that, with the athlete. It had everything to do with the reporter. So I don't listen to that shit.

You and I, we're different. But you can sit there and you know, you can have your fantasy football team and think you're a fucking GM and do all of this stupid shit that people do. You can get a jersey and you can wear it. You can put the black stuff under your fucking eye and you know, fucking start dancing and try to get on the jumbotron you can do all of that fucking shit god bless you all right god bless you uh new segment irrational fears okay thank god let's move on for this hey bill lady listener here from new hampshire uh There recently was a news story that got me thinking

about my irrational fears. Some teenager was arguing with a young mother when she got in the porta potty with her four-year-old daughter. The teenager knocked it over trapping them inside and covering them in feces and piss. Absolutely disgusting. How to fight... I... you... doesn't... in human relations are just unbelievable. That's your mother. Teenager, four-year-old, new husband, new kid. You didn't... you know. Maybe she didn't pay attention to it. There's still no reason to do that. The four-year-old didn't do anything. Then again, the teenager's brain isn't fully developed. Alright, lesson learned.

Never go into a porta-potty with a relative that doesn't have a fully developed brain outside of it if they're mad at you. I refuse to use porta-potties because I'm terrified of them. I tried going in once and I start hyperventilating. When I was a teenager, I had read a story of a man hiding inside one to watch girls use it and it terrified me since then. Where the fuck did he hide? In the toilet? Where the fuck did he hide? In the toilet?

Plus the thought of having to hover my ass over this dark pit of piss and shit freaks me out. I'm also afraid of ants. Those fuckers are too small for how... They're too smart for how small they are. Do you have any fears that aren't common? All right, well you can pretty much go your whole life and never have to use a porta potty. So that's an easy one. Ants, I don't know, they're everywhere. So that one's pretty logical.

Do I have any, I used to have some. I used to have to like, if I was wearing sneakers or shoes that had laces, I used to have to untie and retie them while I was getting my or shoes that had laces, I used to have to untie and retie them while I was getting my intro to go on stage because I was so afraid that I was going to trip and fall. I have some pretty healthy fears. I worry about the dollar.

Um, I worry about not being funny and people going to see me and then not wanting to come and see me again. And then, you know, and then fucking then what do I do? I worry about that. Um, I worry about what this world's going to be for young people and my kids. I don't know, are those irrational? I worry that they're going to say we ran out of fresh water when we didn't, that they're just going to privatize it and that these fucking sociopaths that run these corporations will deliberately withhold it and that these fucking sociopaths that run these corporations

will deliberately withhold it and let people die of thirst just because it will up the value the way Rolex doesn't make as many watches. So they seem rare the way baseball cards. They didn't print as many so they would have a higher value like they're fucking evil. I worry that politicians are just going to continue to be paid off by them and not do shit and just look out for themselves. I worry that people are still gonna watch

24 hour news networks and really think that the other side is 100% wrong all the time and they gotta keep us fucking yelling at each other rather than all of us just stopping and looking at 15 to 20 assholes in suits that just can't have enough fucking marbles. That really wasn't the question. What is getting paralyzed? That's a fear of mine. Getting eaten by a shark, that's an irrational fear. Alligator. Don't have as big a fear with

lions or tigers because I just know, you know, mountain lions, I just know it's over quick. You know, that is the animal of choice. If you're going to get killed by an animal, you got to go. You don't want a canine because it's going to be more than one. They're going to rip you apart. A bear is going to maul you. I don't think a poisonous snake is that bad. It's fucking terrifying, but after it bites you, I mean, that's sort of like, you know, a death say, you just shallow breathing and you just pass out. But the big cats are the best. They're very nice about it. They

just come in, fucking knock you to the ground, grab you by the throat. You're very nice about it. They just come in, they fucking knock you to the ground, grab you by the throat, you're out in two seconds. Yeah, a lot of them are actually animal based. I used to have a lot of aviation fears and then once I got my license and I, you know, going from my instrument rating and then actually starting to understand everything that's going on up there is pretty amazing. However, all of that shit that's going on at Boeing is fucking terrifying and just watching them not really talking about it. It's just it's it's I always use that guy who did like the hands. Remember the guy who hoarded the hand sanitizer before the pandemic? Like the level that they went after that guy

and tarred and fettered that guy because he was an individual and he didn't have any money and he didn't have any influence. And he was a great, like soft target for journalists to act like that they're looking out for American people. And then they just looked the other way when all of these, these, these bigger companies, you know,

these companies that every year just pay a fine for polluting the environment because it's cheaper than them actually doing something for their fellow Americans. I mean, it's just fun. I don't know. I don't get in all of this shit. I try to stay away from this stuff this is why I You know have the hobbies I do because yeah, all right irrational fears Well, I would say yes sharks alligators alligators man every time I go to Florida man. I'm fucked this Like any I see I see a puddle and I'm like this there's there's a little alligator in there and it's gonna bite my toe off

like It's just something about reptiles, man. I'm fucking terrified of those. Getting mauled to death by a bear is another one. You know, and I don't think any of my fears towards my kids are irrational. I would much rather be over-correcting than being that person.

Like, you know, there's sort of this big pushback now, but old school parenting, let your kid break their fucking arm. It's just like not everything that happened when we were growing up was great. All right, Bill, to abolish the federal bill, to abolish Federal Reserve. Oh, here we go with this. Dear Carrotcock Bill, I saw an article I thought you would like to hear about Congressman Thomas Massey from Kentucky. I love Kentucky. I love that whole area, Kentucky, Tennessee is fucking gorgeous

Recently reintroduced a bill that would abolish the Federal Reserve and put us back on the gold standard. There we go Maybe there still is some hope for the country. I don't know much about it, but here is the article. Anyways, love the podcast and the comedy. Well, God bless that guy. You know, I think it would be great for everybody, including super rich people, you know? I don't know why anybody would be against it. Let's fucking have the dollar mean something

It's just a really weird time like I have no problem Being under the thumb of somebody somebody I'm not smart enough to run shit But you know there is a certain level of greed you're just going too far and that always causes a fucking revolution Don't do that. You know you can still have your Coke and your whores and your yachts. Just don't, you know, have to have 50 of them. There's a balance. That's all. That's all there is. I'm fucking, you know... Hey, you know, I saw that there's a whole bunch of fucking self-driving cars coming out.

Like... It's unbelievable to me. But, you know, the way most people drive, most people need them. You know what it's funny They should it should there should be a shame to that They should be after all of these years of all of us drivers bitching about how everybody sucks at driving They should like secretly film you You know, and if you're a fucking asshole or you drive like an idiot or you just don't know how to parallel park or whatever They go, that's it, okay?

That's it, you lose your driving, you have a self-driving car for a year. Now, you can go to driving school and re-educate yourself or upgrade your thing. It should be like that. But, I don't know, it's pretty wild. It's becoming like planes. Like planes are basically fly themselves

like right after takeoff. They have like an instrument flight plan. They plug it in to the avionics and they hit enter. And then when they, you know, the second, I think they hand them off to departure. I think they just push the button and then that's it. They just sit there with their hands in their laps and they just go to each fix and the plane turns 15 degrees that way, 30 degrees the other way

or whatever. It's pretty amazing. Anyway, here's a question. Should I date a stripper? All right, this is difficult because I don't know how old you are. Hey Billy Beetle Dick. Because it's tiny not because it's black. That's funny. Billy Beetle Dick because it's tiny not because it's black. Alright. Bill, first I need you to know that I am a huge fan of the podcast and of you. Well thank you. I've been following you for the past 10 years and you have never failed to make me laugh. You deserve all the success.

Well if you've been listening to it for years, there's always one topic that gets me going and right now it's the fucking you stole home court advantage. I just, you know what I really have to do, I just have to be mature and just realize that people aren't going to see it the way that I see it and I just have to fucking let go of it because it's not even that people believe The the home court advantage is that I can't convince him of my point Maybe the athlete thing would bring a few people my way I cuz I can tell you that right now. Killing in front of a crowd is one thing, but when you get the right table of people

that are cunts pissing them off, there's nothing fucking better than that. And you don't give a shit about silence at that point. Anyway, this person says, now here's what I'd like your advice on. I recently returned from a six month trip in Asia. Oh my God, that must have been amazing. I was there for work and had an absolute blast traveling around, met some great people, including some ladies and enjoyed every second. How great was the food over there?

Towards the end of my trip, I visited Thailand and the boys and I went out, oh, all I saw, and the boys. I saw Thailand and the boys. I was like, oh, Jesus. No comment. Thailand and the boys and I went out on an evening on the town. You know, in India, there's a Royal Enfield motorcycle trip

that you can take. I don't know. I don't know where it goes, but that sounds amazing. Anyway, this person says, "'We ended up at a Thai strip club "'where we each lived like kings "'into the early hours of the morning. I met this Thai stripper and we immediately connected as much as you can connect with

the stripper I suppose. You might want to watch the second season of White Lotus to give you some advice here. We on the other side of the world? Jesus Christ. Are you out of your fucking mind? Jesus fucking Christ. You brought that mouth back to the United States? Oh my God. You know like when you go to New Zealand and you can't bring any fruit in, they should ask you, did you make out with a stripper in another country? Yeah, you're in quarantine.

You come back with fucking mouth aids. We spent the entire time at the strip club making out. Let me make sure, I'm at this time, it was a stripper. Yes, you made out with a stripper. Okay, oh my god oh my god and doing other debaucherous acts to each other just short of sticking it in her we had a private room oh my god dude are you out of your fucking mind? Are you out of your fucking mind? At the end of the night I took her home and we banged. Dude please tell me you fucking wore a condom. She gave me her Instagram and

asked if we could hang out during her day off on Sunday, but sadly I was leaving the next morning so I couldn't make that happen. Well I'm sure she had another guy over there the next night. I told her I wanted to see her again and she said, come back to Thailand. Should I do this? Dude, I swear to God, if nothing has fallen off your body yet, and if you didn't get some sort of fucking ass flu fever, just count this as a fucking, a win. The trip back would be expensive as I live in the US.

She is gorgeous, beautiful body and skin, huge tits, fuck me eyes, fuck me eyes and perfect face. But she is also a stripper. I'm not naive. She could have just been tapping me to get more business in the future but part of me just wants to see her again. Yeah dude, you know what you need to do? You need to just stay away for a while and you got to get back into your rational brain. You're still thinking with the little head down there. I also know that if I do go back and fall in love with her,

I will descend into the darkest pits of depression as she is a stripper and unlikely to give up her life for me. Or is there a chance? Buddy, you couldn't go over there and meet an accountant? You couldn't make out with a regular fucking Thai woman who wasn't in sex trafficking? Are you out of your fucking mind? Come on dude, you know this, you're fucking with me. You know what? I'm calling bullshit. I think sometimes you guys write it and you just make up shit. There's no fucking way.

For context, I'm a pretty experienced guy with the ladies. No you're not. Well you haven't learned anything. In my late 20s and had several serious relationships and many other hookups along the way, I have a great... What are you experienced in? I've had several serious relationships and many other hookups along the way. I have a great... What are you experienced in? Being in a relationship? I have a great, extremely well-paying and powerful job and I'm pretty good looking.

So I hear. So it's not a total impossibility for me to pull her away to a life of decency. Maybe I'm crazy. Yes, you are. I get it, dude. I get it. I get it. You went to the other side of the world. You've never seen a woman look like that before. She fucked her brains out. You're in this exotic place. She's exotic. You're eating all this food.

She's treating you like a king. American chicks don't treat me like this. Fine, dude. You want to marry a Thailand chick? Go to Thailand and meet a fucking civilian. Don't, don't marry a stripper. Alright. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Fine dude, you wanna marry a Thailand chick? Go to Thailand and meet a fucking civilian. Don't, don't marry a stripper. Alright.

But I also hear your voice in my head saying, that ain't the mother of your children. But damn, I'd like to, I'd really like to head back there for three weeks and see her again. Would love to know your thoughts, and those of the lovely Nia, if possible. Yeah, you'll be there for three weeks and see her again. Would love to know your thoughts and those of the lovely Nia if possible. Yeah, you'll be there for three weeks and when she's not with you,

she's there fucking in a back room doing something with somebody else. What are you doing, dude? Come on, this can't be real. My best to you and your family, go fuck yourself. Sorry, dude. If that was real, I gave you the tough love you deserved. What you need to do is you need to come back here

and come back to fucking reality. Because what happened over there was not reality. Okay, that was a paid fantasy. Okay, and she was just working you. I'm sorry, that's what was going on. All right. There's plenty of fucking decent women over there. And over here, you know.

Yeah, stay away. Okay. Good read. Hello Bill. Have you had a chance to read the book Chickenhawk? Written by Robert Mason. I've only started reading it and it reminded me of how you described your time flying. Robert was a chopper pilot during the Vietnam War. I asked a mate that is a pilot for the Australian Army, it says AUS Army, is that Austria or Australia? I don't know. And he said, it's recommended reading for all pilots

and it's his favorite book that he has read many times over. Would love to hear your opinion if you ever get a chance to read it. Cheers. Cunt Matt from Australia. Well, I'll tell you, Cunt Matt, I read a book about a guy that flew helicopters in Vietnam. I can't remember what the name of it was, but I will tell you this. Flying is this amazing thing, but in the back of your head you always are thinking where am I gonna put it, which way is the wind coming from. Like whenever I solo or

have like a passenger, like I don't really even enjoy it. I'm enjoying it but I'm not because the entire, it's like riding a motorcycle. It looks fucking cool until you do it. Then you're doing it the whole time, head on a swivel, head on a swivel, like where are they coming from, what could possibly happen? I'm at a stoplight looking the rear view mirrors, make sure somebody doesn't come up and rear end me. So it's not really, you know, what you think, but it's still this fucking amazing thing. But like just the idea of people shooting at me. Like there's all of that. It's still awesome. I probably described it too negatively. I absolutely love it. But there is that part of you that you can't 100% enjoy flying when you're the one doing it because it's on you if something happens.

So I, you know, so the just the pressure of that alone, I can't fucking imagine, you know, those guys would go in there and there'd be like barely a clearing or they would go in But just the pressure of that alone, I can't fucking imagine. You know, those guys would go in there and there'd be like barely a clearing or they would clear the the fucking area to pick people up that were being fired upon in the jungle and they would clear the area with the fucking main rotor blades. It's unbelievable. I'll definitely check that out. All right.

Hey guys, you know what? I give up on the home court advantage. You guys are 100% right. I don't like losing my shit over fucking mindless stuff. All right. I still do it, but I am at least evolved and left now to realize how fucking stupid that is. I don't give a fuck. Okay. I don't believe in it. You do. Some people believe in Jesus. I don't. I don't. I've traveled the world. Everybody draws him different. I mean, sometimes he looks Puerto Rican. Sometimes he looks, he works on the fucking E network.

Sometimes he's even whiter than I am. You know, it just, none of it makes any sense. I don't give a fuck. If you wanna believe in that shit, believe in that shit. Put somebody on a pitch count. You know, if you want your fucking head coach of your football team to look like he's on the math team, by all means do it.

If you wanna go down the lane with nobody there and you want to dunk on nobody and then you know fucking sit there and pull your jersey to expose your heart to show me what a warrior you are and it's the fucking second quarter and you're fucking up by eight. You want to do that? Go ahead and do that. I don't give a fuck. I actually do. You want to hit a home run and stand there and look at it and then point to the dugout and fucking do your little stupid shit when you get the second base.

I don't give a fuck. All right. I'm watching golf now. I'm reading a newspaper. I'm withdrawing. You know, when somebody like leaves a campaign, I think that that's what I'm doing at this point. There is a point when you get to a certain age, you just can't be around young people anymore okay because all you're gonna do is ruin their good time and and all they're gonna do is remind you that everything changed and you're gonna feel like it's not for the better so what you really need to do is you just sort of just sit in the background hey you know like you know the old people that get it they're just sitting in the corner you look on my you doing Nana and she just sort of smiles and waves in her head she's like what the fuck are they doing? It's not how the recipe goes? Alright

that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.