Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-21-12

Episode Date: May 21, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Conrad Twitty, Meryl Streep, and the NBA playoffs.

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Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information on BMW.b For Monday, uh, the hell month is it? May 21st, 2012. What's going on? How are you? Did you have a nice weekend? Are you looking forward to Memorial Day? Dude, my buddy's got a fuckin' boat kid.

We're gonna get out there with some fuckin' boat wisers. Dude, guys weekend, fuck the ladies. Yeah, that's coming up, right? I had no idea. I had no idea that next week was a three-day weekend. You know? Cause I'm a comedian. Every week's a three-day weekend.

You know? I don't have shit to do. I just sit around now. Actually, I've been working my ass off. I just did, you know, I didn't, but I've got offered to do another episode of Glee. They liked what I did so much last season. It's a possibility.

It's not a definite. All right, so I'm already, uh, going to my vocal coach. You know, just working out some songs. You know, I'm a dreamer. My heart is gone. You know, they probably turned that into like a melody, right? They'd start singing that, and then they'd go into another one, right?

I had to run away high in CA. Why do they always do that? And then the crowd always goes, Oh my God, it's a different, I didn't see that. They, they, they connect all those years. I have both those songs in my iPod. And I just never saw how they connected. It took a bunch of twinkle toes in a cafeteria to show them.

They're always singing in a cafeteria. What is the deal with that? What's the deal with gay people singing in cafeterias? Is there something for my gay listeners out there? Do you guys, do you guys feel the need to sing whenever you're in a cafeteria? Is that what it is? You know, come up to the football players, semi-vent at the waist,

snapping your fingers, moving your arms vertically. Do you? Of course you don't. Right? Isn't that TV's version of what you do? You're just like us. You're looking for a closet to rub one out. Except you think a different shit.

See that bringing people together on the podcast. Speaking of singing, I'm going to order this thing. You guys know that I hate country music. You know, I like the oldest shit. I don't like the new stuff where they just pander to their audience. You know what I mean? I like American puppies. You don't like it.

We're going to put a boot in your ass. Whatever that fucking jerk off is with the hat pulled down over his face. Almost like he's ashamed of what he's singing. What the fuck is, what the hell his name is? Oh, Toby Keith. Toby Keith, that guy. He always has that hat, you know, pulled down low. You know he's a man, yet he's wearing chaps.

I like that guy. That guy, he's got a lot of like, a lot of like contradictions. You know what I mean? He's like, you know, rough and tumble guy, yet he's wearing chaps. Like the guy in the village people. And he looks like a racist, yet his first name is Toby. You know, which I think is a shout out to roots. So, you know, I can't figure that guy out.

Anyway, so I was watching this commercial. This commercial, they had like 150 of country music's greatest duets. You know, a little red, a lamb. Dolly Parton, Conrad Twitty. That was the only guy I found creepy. I don't know if he was nervous that he was on TV, but he would not move a fucking muscle on his face. And he had this just as big fucking, I don't know, pork shoulder fucking head.

You know what I mean? Like if you had shoulder of bison, like the size that he had big fucking, you know, just 40 years before P90X, no guy was doing cardio, right? All you were doing was yanking your fucking pants up or pushing them down. And he's singing some fucking song about some girlies with. I can't remember how the whole medley went, but it was something to the effect of, you know, I can tell when I hold you, that you've never been this far before. Something like that.

It was something to do with him holding this trembling virgin in his arms as he sat there with this fucking 600 yard stare, like he's waiting for Charlie to come over the fucking wire, you know, or like maybe he was like confessing to being a sexual predator. And like he was just waiting for the FBI to come out and just arrest him in the middle of singing that song. You know, like after a while, you just want to get caught. Isn't that something that they do? I'm not saying that he's a sex offender. I wouldn't say that.

All I can say is before he got his perm, he looked like one, you know, he had that Elvis just going straight back, but just a giant fucking head, just a huge head. You know, he looked like he looked like he was already murdered and was fished out of a lake. Just a fucking bloated, gigantic head and he wasn't moving. He looked like that fucking thing when the first men in black. All right, Bill, we got it. He's got an awful head. Fuck you.

I got a whole hour to fill here. I'm only six minutes in. See, you do it, huh? In your cubicle. Somebody sent me the creepiest, creepiest email last week. They said, Hey, you know, do you ever know anybody who jerked off in a cubicle dot, dot, dot? Well, now you do. You know, and it's not that he jerked off in a cubicle.

It's the fact that he emailed me his name, his email, all of that shit. It's just like, I mean, you're playing a dangerous game. Maybe you want to get caught, sir. Is that what it is? Do you habitually jerk off in your fucking cubicle? What if that went to the wrong person? What if you sent that to your boss and he just got done yelling at you saying you need to need to show some initiative 20 minutes later? You know, he gets an email from you and he's like, All right, maybe maybe it finally stuck and I don't have to fire this guy.

And he opens it up and he says, Hey, do you ever know anybody who jerked off in a cubicle dot, dot, dot? Well, now you do. Maybe he meant to send it to his boss. I mean, that was his way of going out, you know, just fucking impregnated his laptop and walked out. No, there's no way he did that. How could you ever get another job? There's no way around that. Anyways, it's Monday morning.

And I'm doing the podcast and for new listeners, I know what you're thinking. Well, I live in fucking Scandinavia and it's not Monday morning over here. Listen, I don't care. I don't give a fuck. The only Monday morning I care about is in my time zone. It's 917 in the morning. I write those douchebags on those morning shows are still on being sassy, showing spunk. You know, those are all morning words.

You know what I mean? Nobody has get up and go at 6 p.m. Right. That's all. That's all 6 a.m. shit. Oh, she she's just a firecracker. Right. Nobody says that at 5 p.m.

We're on quitting time. You know, we just why do I? You know what? This podcast is just me stating the fucking obvious. I went for a drive yesterday. And my Prius we somebody actually some redneck guy was talking about my Prius going, you know, them things they don't. They don't do anything for the environment.

You realize that. Don't you? I mean, them batteries, them batteries, they put them cars, you know, long it takes for them to break down. Let me tell you, they're doing that. They're actually they're actually doing more damage than a regular gas combustion car. Tell me all that shit, you know, I mean, half of it's true. The other half he's like making up as he's going along, you know, almost like he's talking

about the big game that he never played in in high school, but there's no one around that he went to school with. So now he's quarterback. Right. And I know there's a lot of people listening right now going, that's actually true. All right. I don't give a fuck. Okay.

I never said I was saving the planet. Did I? I don't think I did. I probably did. I'm hypocritical. I said there's nothing you could everybody should be, you know, if there was the right amount of human beings on this planet, we could all drive tanks and it would have no effect on the ozone layer.

All right. That's my new philosophy. Stop trying to make cars have better gas mileage. Try to have less people driving them. Oh, Jesus. Is this my final solution? It's too many fucking people, people. That's what the problem is.

All right. It ate the cars. Cars don't kill the ozone layer. People do. Um, anyways, I got them into the biggest, dumbest fucking fight last night with my girl. Right. We had this great day, you know, was on the road again. Oh, here that, here that.

That bump up, that's what I have to have it on. For some reason, that's that noise, that alert on my phone doesn't freak out my dog, but every other sound on it freaks out my dog and it starts fucking shaking like a goddamn junkie. And that is an embarrassing tone to have when you're walking around with your friends, you know, and it always comes on when you're in the middle of some story that you're exaggerating what you really did. So I walk up to the guy and I'm like, nobody fuck you.

You want to take a fucking swing here? I'll give you the first punch right here, buddy. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Yeah. No fucking thing goes down the goddamn toilet. Um, um, so anyways, the hell did we do yesterday? Oh, we went out to brunch, right? I had already eaten breakfast, so she got a brunch and I got a beer and, uh, some guy

next to me with the big red beard, he'd been growing it for like nine years. It was like ZZ top level, I think a little bit longer. It was like reverse crystal Gale, you know, like the guy version of it. Except it was a redhead. And, uh, so whatever. And then I'm like, Hey, you know, let's go for a drive. He's like, I want to go to some shops. Let's just walk down the street.

You know that? And they grab your arm and you're just sitting there, you know, walking down the street. Just thinking, what if I just elbowed it in the ribs and ran across the street? You know, right into that fucking bar. Now it was actually a good time. And then after that, I was like, you know, I always fly out of LAX and I always see the beach and up in Malibu and Santa Barbara and all that type of shit. And I'm like, you know what?

I should, we should fucking check that part of the city out. So we drive over there in the Prius. That's not saving the environment, but getting great gas mileage, great gas mileage. Um, and we fucking get up there and what a bunch of douchebags up there. All right. I got to shut my phone off. What the fuck? Bump, bump.

What the hell is it? You know what? That's just going to go off in the background. Let me put it on mute here. Don't you wish there was a mute button for people? What's the deal? Um, yes, we go up there. What a bunch of cunts.

What a bunch of cunts live in fucking Malibu. I want to go up there and I was trying to find like their town center. I don't even know if they have one or what, but every, it's all gated communities to keep out the riffraff like me. I can't even drive by and just look at their houses. You know, so we have, but whatever, we're having a good time. We drive back, we're going through the canyons. I pull over on the side of the road.

We buy strawberries off some guy who claims to be an organic farmer, right? Probably stole them from a trader's Joe's who gives a shit, right? Everything's going great. So I stay in, I take a night off from comedy. I say, Hey, why don't we watch? Why don't we watch a movie? You know what I mean? Cap off this wonderful fucking day.

Everything's going great. What could go wrong? This is like the beginning of a horror movie where they just show like the perfect family and everything's great and people are wearing like white linen. You know, and then all of a sudden they just start showing the camera and the bushes like a POV of like Mike Myers. This is basically what happened. So 60 minutes comes on, right?

Who doesn't want to watch that show and pretend they're smart? You know, I like it. So more, more at least safer comes on. And you know, he smells like an old person. Some old people don't smell like old people, but he looks like he smells like an old person. You know, smells of cigars, ashtrays, you know, a couple of wars, maybe a date rape. So he's interviewing Meryl Streep. All right, the great Meryl Streep.

And they're going through all her old frigging life and all the movies and all the different characters that she's played. Oh, first of all, they start, they start the report off with more at least safer just sitting there, right? Smelling a fucking Ben gay and whiskey, right? And he says how, you know, how over in England, you know, they, you know, I don't know, they make their actors, they award them by calling them lords and they knight them. But over here in America, all we do is just give them the shiny statue and it's just like, it starts off right off the bat for some reason, just shitting on America. I don't know why.

Like an Oscar is somehow beneath Sir Anthony Michael Hall, I mean, or Lord, Lord of what? Lord of what? At least you can fucking hold our statue. You're Lord of what kingdom? That phony horseshit that you have with Prince Charles and the popper or whatever the fuck is going on over there. You know, look, if the Rothschilds knight you over there, then that fucking means something. Then you can become become part of their yacht convoy as they go around the world, figuring out how to take over another currency, right?

Then you're in with them. Okay, but if you're if you're fucking, you know, Lord of this and your wingman is the Duke of Elton John, I mean, it's a whole thing is fucking stupid, right? So right off the bat, it's already bugging me. But I know Nea hates when I talk to the TV, right? So I, you know, I keep my big fucking yaps shut and they start talking about Meryl Streep, going through the whole thing. And then the old guy there smelling of, you know, prescription meds goes, you know,

whenever they talk about the roles you play, they always say, you know, you play independent minded women, very strong women and Meryl goes, I know that's yeah, that's what they say, you know, when a guy, they never say to a guy, oh, you're playing a strong willed character, yada, yada, yada. I let that go, whatever, no biggie. I'll take that. It's probably true. What the fuck do I know? I'm not a woman, right?

But then they show her after she played Margaret Thatcher and she's given a speech to a bunch of women's young girls and she's trying to inspire them and she she takes a quote from Margaret Thatcher. And it was something along the lines of if you want a bunch of people to talk around, talk, stand around talking about doing something, you know, something, you got to talk to men. But if you wanted to actually get done, you got to get a woman. And then all the chicks go, whoo, like flipping out, right? So I laugh and I'm like, yay, reverse sexism, right? Just seeing, you know, my whole fucking theory how everybody is just a piece of shit.

You just don't have the power to act out what the fuck you want to do because that right there, if you flip that around as a guy, if you're running for president, it's fucking over. You can't be like, let me tell you, I'll tell you what, after I get your jobs and after I fix this economy, okay, and I'm the man to do it because I'll tell you right now, if you're looking for someone to stand around and talk about doing something, you get a woman, you want to get it done, you got to get a man. Here are my nuts, right here on the podium, vote for me November 4th, go fuck yourself, right? You did that, your presidential campaign's over. She does it, it's fucking adorable, and it's just as fucking ignorant.

You know what I mean? What the fuck do you get off saying that we stand around and do nothing, Meryl Streep, huh, or quoting Margaret, and you too, Margaret Thatcher? Let me tell you, you bitch is something, all right? We faked a fucking lunar landing. Okay, you think that's just talking? Anybody can land on the fucking moon, that's easy, but to pretend you did it, all right, and get everybody to shut the fuck up about it, that, that, that right there, that takes skill. So whatever, so I make that little comment, and did I just go, that, that, that, that? That's the only fucking porky pig.

So I make that comment, and like, you know, I've been with Nia long enough that I can tell by the side of her face when she's just thinking about like, what if I just grabbed everything I really cared about and walked out of this house right now? She got like that fucking mad at me, you know? And I'm like, she's just like, right after the story was over, she just shut the fucking thing off, and uh, I know what happened, next thing you know, I'm walking to 7-Eleven to get some ice cream. I don't even know what happened. It was all going great.

You know, am I the asshole there? What am I, am I supposed to just fucking sit there with my mouth hanging open with drool coming out when I watch TV? If somebody says something douchey, I'm not supposed to say it? Whatever, whatever. So I just finally just said, you know what, fuck this, I take the dog out, I go around the block. What do I do? I'm calling my guy friends, right, they're all backing me up. I'm not saying who I called, I don't name names.

Alright. And they're all laughing their ass off, and they 100% agree with me, which is all I'm looking for at this point. I just want people to say that I'm right. I don't want to learn anything from this experience, just tell me I was right, so I can be an ignorant ass again. I don't know, why don't you guys weigh in on that? Am I a dick for saying that? Should I just let that one go? You know?

You know what she said that fucking drove me up the wall? She goes, why are you... She didn't say intimidated. She used one of those words. Why are you threatened by what she said? It's like, I'm not threatened. Ugh, Jesus Christ. Then I take the bait, you know, it just sends me right over there, like threatened about what?

Oh my God, this person that I don't know who has never called me, nor will ever call me, who has no effect on my life. How do you get threatened by that? I'm just calling it for the bullshit that it is, because you know what? This is what fucking drives me nuts. I can't stand when somebody tells me that their shit sandwich tastes worse than my shit sandwich. Okay? Go fuck yourself. At what point am I supposed to have empathy?

As I'm sitting here eating a shit sandwich, and you're telling me how much worse yours is. You know, at the end of the fucking day. You know what I mean? Sure, mine might be on, you know, a better slice of bread. Which I guess would make it taste a little bit better, but at the end of the fucking day, right? The end of the fucking day. Alright, I'm going to end up in a FEMA camp with you. Okay, you think when the next fucking psycho comes along, I'm going to make the cut?

What the fuck do I, what do I bring to the world? Huh? Exactly. I'm going to be standing right next to you. So go fuck yourself. Just fucking woman. Every time she sneezes, they give her another goddamn award. She's still bitching.

Still fucking bitching. You know, I remember when I did this Oscar-nominated part. Oh, go fuck yourself with your wigs. The whole thing just, you know, that's what fucking pisses me off when I watch this shit. If you really want to know my perspective is from where I come from, I can't bitch about shit because everybody's like, oh, go fuck yourself. You hit the lottery, right? But I got to sit here and listen to you, bitch, even if you're fucking killing it.

Even if you're killing it. You know? Yaled school of drama. And he stepped on the bull. Go fuck yourself with your goddamn yachts. Alright, there you go. That felt good. It's probably ignorant.

But whatever. Alright, let's get to some advertising now that I trashed Lord Merrill Streep. What is she called? Is she a princess? Is that what it is? You know what? If I ever get to that fucking level, which God knows I'm not going to, because you have to have an unbelievable body of work by the time you're my age,

you know, to even remotely have a shot, and then they're not going to give it to you until you're like fucking 60. So that's that's out. That's out the door. That's like when I wanted to go to Notre Dame when I was in high school. I wanted to go to that college and by my sophomore year, I knew that that dream was over. And so the same goes forever getting knighted.

But let's just say for some fucking reason, they lower the standards and I get knighted, right? Or asked to be knighted like that's some shit. I'm not showing up. Why would you show up for that? You know, do you want to do you want to get knighted in our fake kingdom? You know, I don't know who I'm going to get knighted by fucking Mr. McFeely. Is that what I'm going to do? You fucking weirdos.

Why don't you guys fuck outside of your gene pool and then maybe I'll show up to become a sergeant in your little fucking. That's what that's a whole that whole royal family. Like a bunch of goddamn rednecks. She's my third cousin. Blimey. That's why they were all weird looking. Prince Charles is a weird looking son of a bitch. Look at his fucking awful teeth.

Those ears. He really does. He looks like he's missing some parts. You know what I mean? He looks like, you know, if you have like a fucking 66 Mustang and then he looks like the piece of shit one that they're not going to restore and everybody, you know, we're going in there taking carburetors out and radiators and shit. He looks like he's missing some stuff. You know, Prince's diet was hot though. She was hot.

She had big feet though. Didn't she? She had big feet. Right now I'm losing anybody gay listening to this. Right. That's their Jesus, I think. Isn't it? I don't fucking know.

Why do I try? All right, let's get on with the advertising here. What do we got here? What do we got? Oh, let's go. Oh, you know what? In honor of Memorial Day weekend. This is a big man holiday, right?

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It's really cool man. They got like these, these little catches. So when the grease comes down, it stays in like a little moat there. So it doesn't flare up and cause uneven cooking and that type of thing. And you know the deal. Okay. This weekend or giving it to your dad, you want to make the best steak on the block. It's, it's a guy thing.

It taps into the caveman and every man. Okay. And your guy, your dad came up when guys were guys. So he's going to love it. All right. It's steakhouse quality grilling in your backyard. You get $20 off. You go to billbird.com.

You click on the podcast page and you'll see the man great thing. You click on that. You get $20 off. There you go. Let's hook up dad for once. Huh. Does your dad stand around and talk about grilling a steak and then your mom comes in and gets it done.

I don't think so. Margaret Thatcher. Um, anyways, you know, something Margaret Thatcher and that, that chick who the original cook on TV, they look the exact same as far as I'm concerned. You know, and Meryl Streep got, she won awards for both parts. You know what I mean? And she's still complaining. You know what?

She wasn't really complaining. She brought up that one point and I totally blew it out of proportion. And that's what the fuck I do. All right. All right. So now that I, I, I, I did a little advertising there. There's a couple of things that I actually want to bring up that have nothing to do with advertising.

Awesome, uh, YouTube channels that, um, that I found, you know, now that I got a house and I've been trying to learn how to fix shit because you feel like a moron, you know, when some other guy has to come over and rescue you from your problems. Um, that dude, El Chippo, I tweeted about this guy. Uh, I'm going to have a link to, uh, one of his, uh, is his YouTube channel is the shit. This guy can fix anything, plays guitar. This guy, he's like the MacGyver. He's like a bargain basement MacGyver.

I don't mean he's bargain basement. I mean, he can do anything for like no money. He does everything for cheap. And, uh, believe me, after you're in a house or something like that, or if you got a shit job and the bankers are fucking you in the ass, this guy will show you how to fix anything for cheap. It's the shit. El Chippo.

Um, and then there's another dude. You know, I don't know about you guys, but I always found car engines the second they turned them sideways and it became fuel injected. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. This guy, uh, Eric, the car guy, you know, I'm telling you, if you're a moron like me, if you just watch this guy after a while, you start going like, I could do that. I could unplug all that shit and yank that engine out of the car. Same thing with El Chippo.

They're just two fucking awesome channels. And, uh, I probably watched just about all of their videos at this point. Um, like what's his face? Eric, the car guy, I watched that guy like for like an hour, hours worth of videos of 45 minutes worth of videos, um, watching him change a water pump on a 2002 Chevy Cavalier or something. I don't know what the hell it was. Um, it's unreal.

And, but you just keep watching. And after a while, I swear to God, it's like you start, you start building your confidence. Now there's no fucking way I would try and do that on my car. All right. But some other stuff that outskirts and going into it a little bit wouldn't be that bad. So there you go. All right. Let's get back to, let's get back to the podcast, everybody.

Um, oh, by the way, real quick, guess who's going to be performing in Burbank, California? Huh? That's the city that, uh, Johnny Carson made famous. I'm going to be at Flappers on May 25th and 26th out in Burbank. Tickets are going fast. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. I'd love if you guys come down and I'm going to be trying out some new stuff while also playing some classics.

How about that? You like that? You want an overrated for this week? Overrated, underrated. Here's overrated. A napkin holder, napkin holder overrated. They don't fucking work. All right.

You want to make money selling something for 1995 late at night? Why don't you come up with a fucking napkin holder that works? All right. This is the problem. If you don't put enough napkins in there, gravity takes over and they fucking fall out of the thing. So you got to always have to put too many in there. So then as you go to pull them out, they start tearing and then you always got to grab like

40 of them out, take one out, stick the other thing in. You might as well just leave it in that plastic hunk of shit. Really, Bill? What are you really mad at? Now go fuck yourselves. This is a rough week for me. What am I up to here? How much time is left in class?

31 minutes. All right. We're at the halfway point. Can I go to the bathroom? Can I relieve my bowels? No, you can't. You have to sit here and listen to me pontificate about this bullshit that I stopped caring about the third year I taught it.

How do high school teachers do that? Teach the same material over and over again. You know, wonder why they always have their hands in their pockets, rubbing their balls, trying to do anything to make it more, I don't know, stimulating for them. All right, Bill, you're not stupid is what this called is what this called is what this is called. Bill, I've been listening to your podcast for the past two months and I honestly don't think you're stupid at all.

Just the mere fact, sir, that you have to defend me. You know, if the gloves don't fit, you give great advice and it's not just some hollow cookie cutter bullshit. I don't know about your educational background, but you have an excess of common sense and wisdom. If I have an issue, I will definitely bring it to you in hopes that you have advice for me. Anyone who thinks you're retarded is just covering up their retardation by taking it out on you.

Keep that shit up. Thank you, sir. You know what, that was all good to your last two sentences and then everyone just realized that you had the same intellect I do, which is why you don't think I'm dumb. Anyone who thinks you're retarded is just covering up their retardation by taking it out on you. Keep that shit up. Dude, you ain't fucking stupid. Keep that fucking shit up.

I appreciate that, sir. All right, let's talk sports. All right. The risk of having all the fucking people who got picked last in gym class whined to me on Twitter. I had somebody, yet another person, threaten to unfollow me on Twitter if I didn't stop tweeting about sports, threatening, you know? If you don't stop talking about sports, I might stop listening to you.

I don't give a fuck. Maybe Meryl Streep is right. I think women just unfollow you. Guys sitting there, they talk about it. This is my prediction for the NBA. I think the Spurs are going to win it all. You know why? The Spurs play basketball the way your dad fights.

You know, your dad is too old to fuck around. Okay, he's just going to end it with a fucking throat chop. He's just sitting there trying to do some Floyd Mayweather shit that you saw on TV. Okay, that's what's happening to the L.A. Clippers right now. I don't even know if they're still leaving, if they got swept or not. There's three zip blasts I saw watching them. They would just do it, you know? The fucking Clippers, they're out there like...

Trying to throw fucking alley-oops and shit. Goddamn Spurs are sitting half of them are fucking bald. They're just sitting there picking and rolling them to death. You know, every 14-year-old kid at some point squares off with his dad. Like, alright, I've had enough of your shit, old man, right? And what does he do? He fucking hits you with some shit he learned in the Navy. And it's over in two seconds.

You're sitting there watching the UFC and rolling around on the mat thinking you know some shit. You don't. Alright? This is the thing about old guys. They're very fucking efficient. Tim Duncan doesn't have time for your fucking bullshit. Alright? He's going to score as many as he needs to.

And then he's going to expression, with no expression on his face, he's going to walk off the court as you sit there scratching your young full head of hair, wondering what the fuck just happened. Alright? I know a lot of people are thinking possibly Oklahoma City, who I love that team. But I'm telling you, I think the Spurs are going to do it. And I've actually, because I was just in a part of the country where they weren't showing any of the hockey, or I couldn't, I was in a hotel room and I couldn't get any of the hockey.

Every time I was working it was on and I missed it, but I kept catching the basketball games. And I've actually, NBA hoop is way better. Way fucking better than I've been given a credit for. The games have been great. And actually in the end, even with the timeouts and all the foul shots, there's a ton of drama. It is a great sport. You know what it is? I think it's just regular season games, when like Milwaukee's playing fucking Toronto,

and they're doing that timeout, timeout shit. I think I judged them on the regular season, which is what a lot of people do with hockey. Right? Who's kidding? So, my bad. Alright? I have to apologize for that. NBA hoop is actually the shit.

I'm actually, I'm back into it. And I really want to see the Spurs, you know. Throat shop, Oklahoma city after they finish off the fucking Lakers. And by the way though, how right am I about Pogasol? Have you ever seen a fucking face like that when he gets called for a foul? Or if they, or they, I saw one where he didn't touch the ball and they said it was Oklahoma's ball because they claimed it went off him. Dude, his fucking face.

I'm telling you. And then when he dumps it, he's fucking, you know, acting like he's in the Wu Tang clan. That's not who you are, Pogasol. Oh, I didn't even touch it. Oh, am I going to enjoy watching them fucking lose? But even as a Celtics fan, I fucking, I love Kobe Bryant. That guy is the shit. I saw the, the first Celtics game, you know, I'm bandwagon Celtics.

I saw game one, I saw the highlights of the end of game two. And once again, I was working and I missed three and four. I heard the last game we were up like, like 16 to nothing and still lost the goddamn game. So I'm going to be watching that one later on tonight. But I'm psyched that the Celtics and Sixers are playing in the playoffs. Just because that takes me back to the unbelievable case. Here's an underrated for you. Underrated Boston Celtics first to Philadelphia 76ers in the early 80s.

Those were some of the greatest wars I saw. Everybody always talks Celtics Lakers. They forget about the Celtics 76ers. I remember one year the Sixers were up three games to one. That was 1981. And we ended up coming back and we, and we beat them four games to three. The next year they go up again, three games to one, then it's three games to two, then it's three games to three, game seven in the Boston garden.

And the Sixers came in and were like, fuck this and they beat the Celtics. And next, I remember that on that week's sports illustrated, the cover was Dr. J. I still remember it says Julius James Jinx and they had him dunking and he had this go fuck yourself look on his face. But the Sixers, I think they lost in the finals to the Lakers. They even made it that far. I can't remember. And then the next year they got Moses Malone and the shit was over. And that's one of the most underrated teams of all time is the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers.

I put that team up against anybody. They asked, that's that classic when they asked Moses Malone. What do you think is going to happen to playoffs? And he said, foe foe foe, meaning we're going to sweep everybody. I think they lost one game. That was the other Celtics got swept by the Milwaukee Bucks to another underrated team. Sydney Monkreef kid. All right.

Did that bore you? Did that make you turn off the goddamn thing? All right. What are we talking about here? All right. What's the subject? Interesting situation. Hey, Bill, I was dating my girlfriend for three years.

Since the end of last summer, we had been on and off. One week I say I'm done with her and the next week I'm taking her out to dinner. All right. That's codependent. You know what that just says to me? Either you're afraid to be alone or she's fucking the shit out of you. One or the other. We didn't speak for about a month.

Then I saw her out with a guy making out with him. I lost my cool and punched the guy. I'm usually a laid back person, but seeing that drove me crazy. I realized that if I continue to play this game with her, I'll lose her. So for the past month, I've been great to her. Wait, time out. Time out. Time out.

Dude, you already, you saw her in a bar making out with another guy. All right. You got to walk away from this one. This one's over, dude. You guys, you get together, you break up. You're on the outs for a month and you're back together. You don't want to do this. That's like one of those Curt and Courtney fucking Sid Vicious kind of fucking relationships.

You know, you punch this guy in the face. What did that guy do? He's doing what guys are supposed to do. He's trying to get laid. He doesn't know you, right? You punch the wrong person if you ask me, but you can't punch the ladies. So you got to dump her. Right before you dump her, take a really nice, get a really nice camera and take a picture of her face

and then go buy a heavy bag and just put it on that and just go to the fucking ribs. Anyway, she goes, I've been great to her. Dinners, going out with her parents, doing all the little things that she loves. We got close again, so she's been sleeping at my apartment and has been leaving things here and has been asking if she can go, go to my apartment when I'm not there. Dude, if she, if this story ends with her banging some dude in your bed, in your apartment. All right. Then when she sleeps here, she keeps leaving.

Oh, I already said that one. All right. Oh, then when she sleeps here, she keeps leaving things here in anticipation for her next sleepover, which is usually the next night. One of my problems has always been that she doesn't give me personal space. So this definitely has been bothering me. Also, I hate making out in public and she loves it. I think it's immature and unnecessary.

Last night, we were out with my friends and she kept like yelling, let's make out. And I was so annoyed. I said not right now. She then got off my lap and walked away. She was doing little annoying things like this all night. So, so I left. So now I am very annoyed with this girl and I'm definitely back in a, I don't want to see her stage. Only problem.

My mom's wedding is this Thursday and she's going with me and her parents are invited. So do I pretend that everything is good and continue to lie to her and myself and fake that everything is great. Do I go to everybody at this wedding and my mother or do I man up and go solo to the wedding and stop faking that this is the girl for me? Yeah, you answer. You know what you got to do. You get, yeah, dump her. It's it. It's over.

You know, you have a wedding to go to. You want to have a good time. Maybe you'll meet, maybe you see a nice girl there that you want to be with. You know, then you won't be able to go there. And she, her whole first vibe is she's going to see you with this other girl and you with a scowl on your face and she's actually going to feel bad for the girl because of your energy. When you're the goddamn victim here as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, dump her. Dump her.

Make a list of shit you have to do today. Go to the bank. Wash your car. Dump girlfriend and just fucking just, just knock them right off and just sit down and it's going to suck. She's either going to cry or she's going to yell at you. But you know what? In a fucking hour, hour and a half, it's going to be over. All right.

You know what you want to do? Talk to Al Madrigal. Al Madrigal, the great Al Madrigal, the daily show zone. Al Madrigal, mini van men podcast. Al Madrigal, you ask him. Al Madrigal knows how to break it. He should have a fucking billboard. He told me one night, these hilarious stories of when he was going to break up with somebody, how he went about it, and it was fucking brilliant.

He had had the element of surprise. He was totally prepared. Bing bang boom go fuck yourself. It was over. It was like, it was basically the same way a corporation fires a longtime executive. The only thing that's missing with the way Al would break up with somebody was security walking the person out. All right. So email Al Madrigal at mini van men.

Just go to that podcast and you'll see. He'll tell you what to do. He'll tell you how to. I'm telling you what to do, which I think you already know and Al will tell you how to do it. They should really have like courses on that. I don't know why they don't have that, especially for young people when you just don't know how to do it. You know, they should just teach you how to fucking do it the most effective way. I think I break I've broken up with girls like every possible way from just never calling them again to sitting down and watching them fucking cry their eyes out, which is the fucking worst to, you know, getting dumped myself.

I've done all of that shit. I've been the guy where, you know, you know, I think I'm pulling the trigger. And then she's like, well, good, I don't care. I made out with somebody six months ago, you know, and they, you know, which does hurt, but then also makes you psyched. Like, okay, now I'm definitely doing the right thing because I had no clue. You're such if you have the ability to do something like that and I can't even pick up on it. Like, yeah, your poker face is too fucking dangerous. So anyways, dude, that sucks, but you're going to be psyched when you go to the wedding and you don't have that fucking lie tied to your ankle.

Okay. Meco is just weird. Let's make out. Like that seems to me and all your friends are there. There's no like emotional connection to that. She just wants to, she just wants to like engage in that act. She sounds like she's sort of like an exhibitionist a little bit like, you know what? That little thing right there, you know what?

I bet that you could, you could probably round third with her in a bar if it was crowded enough. You know, she was standing up and no one could really see what was going on. She's one of those girls. All right. And, you know, to each your own, but that's not the mother you kids. Daddy, tell us how you met mom. Well, I was finger banging her at a Denny's and I was like, wow, combination this and these pigs in a blanket. This must be the one fresh off a date.

Hey, Bill, I'm writing this directly after getting home from a date. Needless to say my depression is higher than normal. I will try to make this as short as possible. In January, I met this girl, this lady, and we really hit it off. We went out for about two weeks and everything seemed great. Then out of nowhere, she stops responding to my texts slash calls, et cetera. Yeah, that's one way to do it. Then five months later, she texts me out of nowhere.

She's drunk and pretends like nothing happened. She's a psycho and wants to get together again. Mistake. We went out tonight and we had, we had fun, but the goodbye was fairly awkward realizing that she's sober and you're not the person once again. I can't tell if she might be interested in me or if she just bored and wanted someone around. Exactly. And any advice for a schmuck like me, any advice for a schmuck like me. I don't have any advice.

I have a compliment. All right. You actually know what's going on and that's a huge thing. All right. Look, this girl is wherever she is in her life and that's not your fault. You went out on this date with sincerity in your heart. Okay. So you're not a schmuck.

All right. You're a patsy. No kidding. I just pictured Leah Harvey Oswald walking into the, uh, you walking in like Lee Harvey Oswald into the fucking police station with that big knot in your eye. Oh, so I'm the patsy. So on the, I get it. I'm the guy that this is all getting blamed on. Dude, this, this isn't you.

You liked this girl. You thought it was great. She, she hurt you when she didn't text you back five months later. She texts you again and you got excited and she went out with you because she's, she's trying to figure herself out and she keeps, uh, you know, coming back into your life. You know, just take, take comfort in this. Know that she's miserable and lonely too. All right. You guys aren't right for each other and you're not a schmuck.

You're a good guy. All right. You're not there thinking like, uh, I'm going to fuck this chick, you know, and blah, blah, blah, and all that evil crap that guys usually think you went out there because you actually liked her. You're a good guy and there's nothing wrong with that. Okay. Someday you're going to meet the right girl. This one isn't it, but you're not a schmuck. All right.

So stop looking down at the ground, you know, staring at your fucking shoes. There's other girls. All right. Fuck her. How's that? Telling me your friends are going to give you better advice than that. Um, all right. Where the hell am I?

Why does it keep fucking doing that? I swear to God, I'm the worst with this shit. All right. Let's, let's get to the, uh, all right. Stamps.com everybody. I think you guys have this copy memorized at this point. Um, I actually just, just, uh, just to let you guys know, I, I have gotten word that they are going to update their copy soon. All right.

But just because they haven't updated a copy doesn't mean that this isn't a fine, fine example of American ingenuity. Stamps.com everybody. Hey, do you hate going to the post office? Do you not like standing in lines? Do you not like smelling the blue wig of the old person in front of you? Um, wouldn't it be great if you could somehow bring the post office into your own apartment? You know, your tented village, um, your waterlogged head. I don't know where you just, I don't know.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about now. Stamps.com you can do, you can do so much more with any meter at a fraction of a cost. You can buy and print official US stamps using just your computer and printer. It's so easy and convenient. And the best part with stamps.com, you'll never have to go to the post office again. And that's true. You got this, you got a scale to weigh anything that you want to ship. Right.

If you got envelopes, anything you can print out the postage for the box and you can print out all the stamps. All right. I use stamps.com. It's how I send out all my DVDs. It's phenomenal. Um, so if you want a special offer right now, I got a special offer. Use my last name Burr BURR for a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and $55 of free postage. That's enough money.

That's enough postage to mail everybody that you hate and to tell them what you really feel about them. All right. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com now before you do anything else, you click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr BURR that stamps.com enter Burr. All right. Okay. Now, where do we go from here? Um, you know what I'm going to do this week?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to go see the dictator and I'm going to do a bunch of fucking standup. I'm really excited about put my new hour together. And for the first time in a long time, I actually sat down and wrote, wrote out some ideas. I think I want to try to do just like a new like 20 minute chunk. Like some of the shit I've been working on and just tell a couple of stories. What did I want to talk about? I'm going to talk about sex scenes and movies. And why I think they're stupid.

And that might lead into something. I don't know what I don't know where I'm going to go with this hour. I mean, I can't really just sit here. Am I really going to dedicate another fucking 20 minutes to ragging on relationships? There's got to be, there's got to be a left turn in there somewhere. You know, I'm trying out new shit. I'm fucking trying to rebuild this goddamn carburetor. I just got the parts the other day.

You know what? Here's a question for all you gear heads out there. I'm trying to get, I got the, uh, I got the, uh, what do you call it? Uh, Jesus, I don't know what the fuck it's called. The fuel bowl. You know, they got the primary and the secondary. I can get both of those off, but then there's that next piece that's behind it. You know, up against the, basically the main body of the carburetor.

And, uh, I know there's a gasket on the other side of that. And this thing is really old and it's a piece of shit. So it's really stuck there. So I got a small screwdriver and I'm sort of tapping at it, but I'm worried that I'm going to do damage to the metal and I'm going to have to get it machined. If you have any ideas on how to fucking get it off, I don't want to damage the carburetor. Um, but this is the thing about doing all that type of stuff is, uh, there's really no comedy in science. It's just so fucking, you know, reading about the elements and everything.

I guess the comedy is how fucking stupid I am or blows your mind or whatever. But like, um, I don't know. I think in a year's time, I'm going to do like four years worth of science classes because I've become obsessed with it. Like my birthday is coming up and I asked Nia to get me this book on, uh, like just, uh, electrical. You know, for houses and that type of stuff because electricity is fucking magic to me. I don't understand it at all. Then I just watched a couple of YouTube videos and I kind of, I kind of get it now. Like I didn't understand like, like this, just a power source and all the wires are, are just bringing that electricity.

I, you know, I don't know, that's basic to you guys. All right, go fuck yourself. Would I give you shit if you didn't know how to write a joke? I never even thought about any of this stuff. Why does it keep signing me out of my fucking goddamn account? Sign back in. What is the fucking problem? Anyways.

But I was watching that Eric, the car guy and he was trying to figure out, you know, why, you know, the dome light and his car was fucked up. And, uh, and I watched him just take that thing off on the side of the car. And it's just a little fuse in there and it's just how the whole thing works. And it actually, it started to make sense. Speaking of Eric, the car guy, he just uploaded another one. Eric, the car guy just uploaded another video, a Chevy Tahoe rear shoe replacement. I'm such a fucking psycho. I literally want to get, I want to learn how to weld.

I want to learn how to do all this shit, all this shit that it, I don't, all my whole fucking life I watched these guys. I respected what they did, but I always thought like, you know, remember the kids who took shop class? You know, they were fucking up in every other client. Maybe they just had a gift. I have no idea. You know what it is? You just feel like such a bitch as a guy when you have to bring, you know, have somebody come up. Like, you know what?

This one actually, sometimes I just tap out. Like I got to get some screens for a window. One of the windows has like an arch on it. So they go, oh, you got to make like a cardboard cut out of it to measure it like that. I'm like, I'm not fucking doing that. Just come over and do it. Sometimes you just got to tap out, you know, like when it comes to dinner, I can make dinner. But you know, you just got to tell your woman to go in there and make it.

Go in there and make me a fucking sandwich. You know what I mean? It's why you're here. I kill it and then you make it. Except I don't have to kill it anymore. Somebody kills it for me, but I, you know, I bought it. It's the same goddamn thing. Now I'm like, I'm like the kingpin.

You know, I got this, this fleet of hit men killing cows and fucking chickens and that type of shit. And then they bring it to me, you know, like Al Pacino, I take it through on myself, right? So go in there and prepare it. That's not sexist, is it? Um, all right. Let's talk about some dates I have coming up everybody. This is my whirlwind tour of cities. What do we got here?

What do we got here? San Jose, June 15th to the 16th, working with Sacramento's own Chelsea Peretti. Ontario, California, I'm going to be at the improv inland empire, June 29th, 30th in July 1st. The Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino, July 14th in the Newport Yacht and Center in Newport, Rhode Island, July 15th. Don't let that yachting center name scare you. Like it's like a $40,000 plate for Obama's campaign and everybody's going to be there wearing tuxedos. It's not going to be like that. It's a giant tent in a parking lot in Newport, Rhode Island.

All right, you get to be able to go down there and be just as dumb and fucking as you would be in any other place. All right, so please come down to that. And, uh, let me actually look up. I got a couple others. I got one in Charlotte and one in Jacksonville, Florida that I haven't put up yet. So I'm going to search for this email. If you guys could just be patient. Um, oh, and I got Cincinnati coming up.

There you go. October 19th and 20th. I'm going to be at go bananas and Cincinnati bear with me, bear with me. I'm, uh, blowing through here. Where else? Where else? The comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida, September 27th, 28th and 29th going to the Jaguar game on that Sunday. And I'm going to the Pittsburgh Steelers Cincinnati Bengal game on the other one.

And then the comedy zone, Charlotte, North Carolina, September 13th, 14th and 15th going to the Carolina Panther game that Sunday. You like that? See, that's how I do the road. Doesn't have to be miserable people. Um, all right, do we have anything left? I feel like I'm coming up short. This fucking guy's going to be here any minute with the goddamn screens. Oh, 58 minutes.

I can tap out. I can leave. Um, all right, you're not stupid. I already read that. Oh, here's something. Here's something a buddy of mine came up with. And this has nothing to do with advertising. This is a friend of mine.

Uh, he's trying to get a, uh, an iPhone application. He made this new iPhone application. It's, uh, it's called word and air. W R D I N A I R E word and air. It's a reverse dictionary. So if you're thinking like, uh, you know, what's a word for, uh, it'll give you a comprehensive list. Um, God knows I could use something like that because I'm a fucking moron. Um, all right.

Is that the podcast for this week? I think it is. I got a couple more. Uh, anything else that was going on in my life that I wanted to talk about? Oh, I get my truck back today. I have to talk and all that shit about learning how to fix stuff. I had problems with my brakes and, uh, that's not something I'm going to try and do myself. I'll fuck with something that, that after I fuck with it, might not make my truck start.

I'll fuck with something like that. Like I actually at this point, um, would have the balls to try and change a head gasket to put in a new head gasket. You know, my engine, I think, you know, what do I have to do? I just take off the, uh, the air filter housing, you know, take off the carburetor off the, uh, manifold, right? Then I imagine there's some other shit that's in the way, but as long as I take it off, whatever, I'd probably fuck it up, but the bottom line is nobody would get killed. But when you're talking brakes and that type of shit, uh, there's no fucking way I'm doing that myself.

I'm going to, uh, I would very least would have to have somebody there. So I'm actually getting my truck back today. Um, but yes, I do feel like a little bit of a bitch because I didn't figure it out myself. But you know, fuck you, I'm trying. You know what the thing about is when you first start to learn how to fix things is the hardest thing I find is not having the balls to just start taking it apart. It's, um, it's the overhead, the amount of fucking money you have to spend in tools. But once you buy them, you got them forever, man. Oh, and speaking of which, remember how I bragged that I fixed the blender?

It's fucked up. All the lights are coming on. I don't know what I did to it, but, uh, but I ain't going to quit. Um, underrated, overrated, underrated for this week, uh, overrated fucking voicemails. Leaving them is the most awkward thing. I've always said that I'm terrible at leaving them, but whenever I say that everyone else, whenever I say that everyone else always says it too. So I'm putting my foot down on the issue and calling it right now, leaving a message for someone on the phone sucks. There's no way to start your message normally without sounding like a douche.

And then five minutes later, you realize you've been trailing on and on while saying, uh, um, too many times, making you want to kill yourself, ending with the inevitable. Uh, okay, thanks. Bye. Reminding them that you're still a douche, fucking awful. Dude, this is something that's really like an epidemic in this young generation. Is everybody just feeling awkward and feeling like a douche? I don't know what happened to you guys. I think this last generation of fathers, they flipped like, I'm not going to beat the shit out of my kid, not hug him and never tell him that I, that I, that I love him.

Uh, you know, I'm going to do all of that shit and you end up with these people who can't even fucking leave voicemails. What is so awkward, you know? I, you know what? I have a hard time getting off the phone. I forget, I forget what I used to say, but I don't feel awkward. Well, I just feel like an idiot, I guess. So I guess I kind of relate. I just go, all right, that's it. I'm out of here. I will say that, but leaving a message. I like leaving messages. I sing on people's voicemails, you know, whenever I call up fucking Bobby, Bobby Kelly,

or fucking Joey Rosas, I call them up and I, I'll just immediately, I'll just, whatever comes to my mind, I'll just start singing. Who's the cunt that I love the most? Who's that fucker who eats the toast? It's Joey. He's such a big fag. DeRosa, what's going on? It's Bill. Give me a call back. You cunt. Click. That's it. Why don't you try singing? You can do it for anybody. Hey mom, what's up, you sweetie? Thanks for having me 40 years ago.

I sent you some flowers. You didn't call me. Do you like my siblings better than me? Click. Right? Why don't you do that? Try that, sir. Try singing first. All right, underrated, overrated, underrated, sitting down to pee if you're a guy. Uh. Is it that how old are you? Is it that hard to stand up? What is wrong with this fucking generation of guys? You know, sitting down to pee, it's actually easier and you don't get varicose veins from all those years to stand.

There's nothing better than just pulling out your dick and just fucking pee and all over everything. You know, you fucking shoot in the toilet paper around. It's fucking good time. Um, anyways, it says the guy who drives a fucking hybrid. Um, anyways, there are many benefits to being a guy and sitting down to pee, such as not having to hear your chick complain about peeing on the seat, even though it's on the fucking top of the bowl and it's not actually the seat. Yeah, here's a guy. He's, he's literally sitting down to pee so his girlfriend will stop yelling at him. Okay. I don't know what happened, people. 100 years ago, we could hit him with mop handles and I don't know what happened.

They got organized and we didn't. And now we're sitting down to pee just so they'll stop yelling at us. Um, all right, number two, if you like me, if you're like me and you wake up to pee at night, you don't have to fuck with your eyes and turn on the bathroom lights to aim. Oh, dude, you're taking all the fun out of it. That's how you train your ear. All right, that sounds like the back of the bowl. Where's the water? That's the floor. There it is. One small step.

Um, number three, not bending down to lift up the seat. Oh, you know what, dude, you're a fucking pansy, not bending down to clean off the seat, less bending in general. Why don't you just bend over and suck your own dick as you sit on the bowl, you fucking douche. Fuck that guy. Peeing, sitting down, you know. What else, sir? What else is overrated? Lifting weights? Um, owning a gun, chewing tobacco, eating steak. What else? Drinking scotch, smoking cigars, fixing your own car. What else, sir? What else is fucking overrated? Everything that makes being a guy fucking awesome.

Losing your shit because some guy you don't know, Mr. Fieldgoal, that really has no effect on your life. Talking shit. Is that all overrated? Lee Movin? The only thing that saved you, sir, is you didn't leave your name. So that that's the only thing that I can say is I can at least see that there was sort of some, some sort of shame in your email. All right. What do we got here? What do we got here? The man grade? I talked about that. Stamps.com. I did that. Oh, Amazon.com, everybody. Last one here. Amazon.com. If you guys, you know, if you buy stuff on Amazon, sure we all do. If you want to support this podcast, just go to billbird.com. Click on the podcast page. You'll see the Amazon.com link. Click on that and then you'll write to Amazon. You don't have to do anything else. All right.

And if you buy something, not saying you have to, but if you buy something, they kick me a percentage. It doesn't cost you any extra money. And I take 10% of that and I give it to the wounded warriors project. That's how it goes. And that's the deal. And the last one. Oh, sorry. Gamefly.com. All right. How would you like to have 8000 games at your fingertips delivered right to your door or right to your PC? Two week, 15 day free trial. You can play 8000 games for nothing, not a zilch. All right. And that's worth a one day free trial. They're giving you 15 days. Just go to gamefly.com slash bill burr. And you'll get my podcast listeners get the special offer. There you go. Video games. Look, I hooked you up video games, Amazon.com, post office in your own house and you'll make a better stake this weekend.

What else do you want from me? You want more, don't you? Well, go fuck yourself because that's the end of this podcast. All right. Did I forget anything? I don't think I did. That is it. That is all. And now it's on to Chicago and let's win there. Thank you.