Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-21-18

Episode Date: May 21, 2018

Bill rambles about Artisan ice cream, expansion franchises, and the Royal Wedding.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living room, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together risk, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. 2018, 2018, what's going on, how are you?

How you doing? You doing good? Oh, that's good, that's good. Another gloomy, gloomy rainy, misty day out here in LA. It's been like freezing, you know? Global warming. Yeah, that's the deal. It's just all, I don't know.

Nine o'clock out here. Nine o'clock, it feels like it's fucking six in the morning over there. This is one of these days. It's like, how am I going to get anything done? Second, it's all, the sun, man. There's something in the sun that makes you want to get up and do stuff, man. All of a sudden, it's a little bit overcast. And your internal clock is like, hey man, maybe we should just lay down and do that tomorrow, man.

How anybody gets anything done in Seattle is fucking beyond me. Or San Francisco for that matter, even though I lucked out with all this great weather when I was up there, but Jesus Christ, you must just get used to it, you know? If you're successful in like Seattle, you got to be able to be successful anywhere, right? I was speaking to that shit, I was watching this thing on the 90s, right? After Machuafe was watching, she's watching the royal wedding. I came back from San Francisco. By the way, thank you to everybody who came out.

That was an incredible week. I had such a great time up there. And I drank too much, so now I'm back. Back on the food and the booze wagon. I'm on the elliptical, turning it all around. On the road, Billy Boozebag at home, fucking Father Romali. Well, that's probably not a good thing to say, huh? Catholic priest.

What am I trying to say here? So I come back, you know, I'm all excited to see my wife and kid, and I come home and she's watching that royal wedding, which was literally the whole fucking wedding. Oh my God. I felt so bad for that, the fucking guy. Who everyone is, Harry. You can't just get married. It's got to be all of that.

You know, everybody all dressed up in their crazy hats and shit. It looked like the fucking Kentucky Derby meets like medieval manner. What they was missing was Jim Carrey's character in that cable guy movie. Down, down, down. Going down when he was there with that fucking, you know, in a theme restaurant there. Whatever, I'm happy for both of them. They fell in love for their together. Jesus Christ.

So she watched the whole goddamn thing. And so she's upstairs. So I was like, okay, I'm going to go unpack downstairs. We got a TV downstairs. So I go downstairs. And in the process was me unpacking. She came downstairs because she wanted to hang out with me. And she turned on the fucking, the wedding down there.

And I believe I yelled into a thick bathrobe. I was just like, Jesus Christ. She's running out of TV. What did you say? I said, it's great to be back with you and me. So I walked in there and I just was like, I know, I'll just slowly walk out of the room. And I got all the way out of the room and closed the door to within two inches. And she was like, where are you going?

It's like going to go upstairs. She's like, I wanted to hang out with you. It's like, all right, well, I can't watch this. She goes, it's almost over. So I went upstairs and, you know, I don't know, I get her watching that. That would be like, but that would that the royal wedding would be like me trying to get her to watch. I don't know, some Hall of Fame induction ceremony after she's been away for five days. You know, oh, I had a hilarious thing happen to me up in San Francisco, right?

So I'm eating like an asshole. I went to this Vietnamese restaurant. I never eat Vietnamese food. I don't know why I'm a creature of habit. I'll eat sushi and I'll eat like, you know, Chinese food and I'll eat Indian food. Oh, I'll dance all around that continent. But for some reason, like Vietnamese food, you know, I'm like, I don't know about that. I don't know.

Thai food. I had a long time ago and I got food poisoning off it. So I wouldn't, I can't eat it for like 10 years. And then also I always get the same fucking thing because the menus just overwhelming because I don't know what anything is. And I don't want to make a mistake. So I always get the, what the fuck is it called? I don't, Nia knows what it is. And she goes, you're going to get this thing again.

And every time I get sushi, I get the exact same sushi. Spicy yellowtail hand roll or something else and a salmon avocado, some edamame, right? You get the same thing every time. I know, I know I do. I realize that I got these things. They work for me. I'm afraid to venture into other parts of the menu. You got me, right?

So I'd never had Vietnamese foods. I was like, the whole thing was like, like, what is it? Like, what are they going to add? It's always the same shit. Beef, chicken and pork and just how they dress it up. So I'm like, all right. So I went in there, I got this chicken sandwich. I saw these shredded carrots on top of it.

I was like, oh my God, that's going to be gross. And I ate it and it was fucking delicious. So anyways, but you know, the chicken was kind of fried. I told you, I ate bad. Oh, I ate bad. And so now I got the salt going through my veins and up the street, there was an ice cream place. So this is how off the rails I was in my diet. I was like, ah, I'm going to go up to the ice cream place.

So I fucking walk in there. And it's one of these new agey ice cream, artisan ice cream, whatever the fuck that means. All I know is when it says artisan, if you're an old guy like me, you're not going to recognize any of the flavors. They had like some, like, I was just looking for chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, the old school shit. They don't have any of that. They got like potato chips in it and shit. One was like chocolate, uh, chocolate rose leaf or something. If anybody can tell me what the fuck that is.

So I just looked at it. I was just like, what the fuck is this? Wasn't there an ice cream store around the corner? I'll go to that one. Maybe that's an old school one. And I walked into that one. Same shit. They had six flavors.

I couldn't, I couldn't remember any of them today. If you had a gun to my head. So I say to the lady, I just go, uh, hey, do you got mint chocolate chip? She goes, no, it's not in season. I was like, what do you mean it's not in season? And she turns around. She's like, Megan, when's mint chocolate chip going to be in season? And the lady comes up and she's like, I think July.

How fucking ridiculous. In season? It's like you're serving ice cream. This leads to diabetes. This is poison. Your body doesn't need this. There's a lot of studies out there right now that is saying sugar is a carcinogen. You know, that's just what the fuck you're serving people.

Oh, but it's fresh. This is in season cancer. Right. So you know what I did? I was like, fuck this. I just walk out. I just said, okay, thank you. And I walk out, right?

And you know what I did? I just went to the same place that old people get their ice cream. I went to Walgreens. I went to a pharmacy, right? You know, all you got to do is find wherever the photo mat developing places. And you see about eight old people there with like insta fucking cameras, whatever the hell those things used to be. And right to the left of it or to the right of it will be ice cream. And I went there and I walked right in.

I saw a hog and dust mint chocolate chip. I bought a whole fucking pint. I didn't want it. You know, I just wanted a small cup. So I bought the whole pint. And I was so fucking tempted to walk back to that ice cream store and be like, hey ladies and say, he said, but I didn't. And then I went back to the hotel room and even though I was good after eating like a third of it, like, I didn't ever a freezer or anything. It was going to go bad and my mother taught me not to waste.

So I plowed through the whole thing, ate a pint of ice cream in like the middle of the day. And my body was just like in, all right, dude, this is what we're doing. And I couldn't get out of bed for like the next fucking three hours. Sugar went through the fucking roof. My unnatural sugar evidently. What season is sugar in? What's when is sugar in season is what I should ask. So there you go.

All right. If you're old and you need ice cream, you want some ice cream. At this point, I would suggest going to the grocery store or going to a pharmacy drugstore. They have the old school chocolate vanilla strawberry mint chocolate chip butter, Bacca and all those old ones. Okay. And I don't want to be a fucking asshole old guy. So I respect the young people and their new crazy flavors, you know, where they take other desserts and they stick it in there. You know, candy bars and brownies and shit.

It's just like it's, it's fucking redundant. Although I will smoke a cigar, drink some smoky scotch. So I don't know. I don't know what. Anyways, I guess that was my, you know, what's the deal with ice cream sort of story. Speaking of ice, because I've become friends with Josh Adam Myers, the host of the goddamn comedy jam. He's a good friend of mine. He somehow has me rooting for the fucking Washington capitals, you know, every year in the playoffs, right?

Obviously if they're playing my Bruins, I don't. Okay. But, you know, so he can, you know, feel what it's like to win a championship. So I'm going to put a little sparkle in his eye. And now he has me watching this fucking team every year and I was sitting by myself yesterday. You know, if you haven't been paying attention to the series, the lightning lost the first two games. The capitals won the first two games. And my buddy was all excited and I said, hey, I don't want to be the guy raining on your parade, but we beat him pretty easily in game one.

And then they, they just shut us down and ran the fucking table. So I think I'd wait till I was at least up three games to none before I got excited about beating the lightning. Right. So they won the first two games. The capitals did. Then the lightning won game three. They won game four. And yesterday I'm sitting down watching game five, watching this adopted team that's going to break your heart every year.

And I was by myself and I literally said to the TV, you know, after the lightning scored yet another goal, I just, I just say fucking capitals every goddamn fucking year. And I was just like, what am I doing? This support and a friend and then there's just, you know, standing in line for an ass kicking for no goddamn reason. So, um, and how about those Vegas nights? Jesus Christ. Making short worth of the Winnipeg jets. What do they got on that team? I know they got the flower from Pittsburgh between the pipes.

I guess he's playing fucking unbelievable. They got a bunch of old Wiley veterans coming together. I don't know. Every time I picture that team, it's like it's like an over 35 league game, you know, within the NHL, but good for them, man. It's going to be funny, you know, the first year they don't make the finals. How their fans are going to react to that. They're going to be so goddamn spoiled in the history of, of, of the four major sports. Has this ever happened?

Has an expansion team in their first year ever. I got to look this up ever made it to like the equivalent of the Super Bowl World Series type of shit. Okay, has an expansion team ever made the finals. Okay. They're going to say, well, the Vegas nights did it yesterday. All right, Vegas become the first expansion team to reach a championship. Yep, there you go. Has an expansion team ever won a championship?

Well, if no one's ever made the championship game, that would be a no. All right, here's the article. Expansion teams not supposed to be good, especially in their first year. The fact that these clubs have to draft players. What the fuck was that? I thought there was a bowl sliding off the counter. The fact that these, there was an earthquake just in my kitchen. The fact that these clubs have to draft players who often aren't important enough to their current teams to be projected,

although that's not necessarily always the case, provides expansion teams with a significant disadvantage in their inaugural seasons season. This, however, the Vegas goal this year, however, the Golden Knights have dispelled that notion on their way to a Stanley Cup final appearance. Oh, this is the big thing every year. It's a Stanley Cup final, and it's the NBA finals. That's all how you look at it. If you look at all seven games collectively as the final, or if you look at each game, this is an NBA final game. This is game one of the NBA, I don't know. I think the way the hockey does it makes a little more sense.

How does Vegas stack up against the other expansion teams? All right, here we go. The NHL, the Golden Knights are just the second team since 1950 to appear in the final in its inaugural season. Joining the St. Louis Blues in 1968. Oh, that's bullshit though. Before I even read the next sentence, because I remember, you know what they did in the NHL? They went from six teams to 12 teams. And rather than putting three with the three original in one conference and three with the three originally others,

they had the entire expansion six in their own conference. So from day one, one of them was going to make it there and then get fucking swept by one of the original six, right? What does it say? However, the Blues were one of six expansion teams that year and all six of them were placed in the same division. The winner, which advanced to the final. There you go. In MLS, the Chicago fire shocked the world, world, world in 1998 by winning the MLS Cup and US Open Cup in their first season. I would say they shocked the fucking United States soccer world.

I wouldn't say they shocked the world, but the rest of the world does watch soccer or as they call it football, but I don't think they respect our bullshit, right? Probably made us look worse, right? But in the major league baseball, no expansion club has finished with more than 70 wins in its first season. In the NBA, this 1960 Chicago Bulls are the most successful expansion teams, Jesus Christ, but only won 33 games. And in the NFL, the 1995 Caroline Panthers, who finished just seven and nine, topped the list. Well, there you go. There you go, man.

After disappointing career at Tampa, Brett Conley redeems himself as a capital. Is that next capital game tonight? Is that what you're telling me? Yeah, it's three games to two, 8 p.m. Eastern time. Oh, and the Boston Celtics, Jesus Christ, the series is so fucking long. They played the first two games and it was like a nine day layoff, which I think helped old Cleveland, I would say. A bunch of my buddies were all excited like, dude, I think the Celtics are going to win in fucking five. They're going to sweep them.

And I'm just like, I don't know. I was just like, they need to win game three because if they lose game three, then it's two to one. And then all of a sudden Cleveland can tie it up. And that's the fascinating thing about a seven game series. Like if you're three games to one, you're like, no, we're in the driver's seat. The second you lose game five, the rest of the series, six and seven, the pressure's on you. Can they close them out? Can they fucking close them out?

So I was joking with a buddy of mine who was a Cavalier fan. He was like, you know, before game three, saying, you guys look great. And I said, I won't be comfortable until we get that fourth win against you guys. And once again, you saw what made LeBron fucking so great. Because he did in that game what a lot of people with half his skill won't do, which is pass the fucking ball. And he got all these fucking teammates involved. And anybody can draw that up on paper, but this guy actually goes out and does it. And you know, so now we got the great Brad Stevens.

He's got to figure out a way to come up with some sort of defense if, if that's what LeBron is going to do. But this series is far from over either way. And I'm going to die another thousand deaths tonight watching the goddamn game. Drives me fucking nuts, man. It drives me nuts. Sometimes you ever get like jealous to somebody like as much as like Cleveland sports fans, like the Cleveland Browns fans, like bitch mode and complain about never winning a Super Bowl or anything like that. It's just like, you know, there's no surprise that you're not aging, watching them suck.

You're just like, yeah, they fucking suck. Blah, blah, blah. It's over. It's hopeless. But if you have a team that makes the playoffs, they give you hope and you fucking believe every, every time they get there, you fucking believe it and you get all excited. As much as the Celtics, people would say have tremendously overachieved. If they lose this series, it's going to be devastating.

And I always get, as I've gotten older, I always just think to myself, why do I give a shit? Why do I give a shit? Like the stuff I have to do when the game is on, like where I have to go mentally so I can just handle sitting there. Like I don't get how people can just fucking sit there and watch it. I have to go into the other room. You know, I got to start paying bills and stuff while I'm watching the game. I have to have another activity. So I'm just not sitting there watching the fucking game, losing my mind.

But anyways, you know, as much as that, we got our asses whipped in game three, you know, you can't get mad at greatness. And that's what I think you saw with LeBron. So who knows, Celtics, obviously, if they went tonight, we'd be up three games to one. That would be a hell of a hole for Cleveland Cavaliers trying to dig out of. We shall see what happens. And I'm going to watch my surrogate fucking capitals tonight. We'll see what happens. Well, no, wait, I'm going to watch the Celtics and I'll be flipping back and forth.

Fucking lightning, man. They just give you the old right there for it. What? They score 17 seconds into that game. There you go. Bam. Fucking knock a goalie right out of the game before you even get your goddamn first beer. They got a bunch of snipers.

All right, let me read a little bit of advertisement for this week. This is my last big push here as I slide into my fucking 50th birthday here. I got myself in great shape, but I think I peaked too early. Then I had that bad week in San Francisco. So now we've got to have a perfect week just to get even with what the fuck I did last week. But I think I'll be all right. Coming right around 170. I'll look all right.

At least when I cry, when my 40s are over and I look down at my stomach, it won't be as big. And that'll be uplifting. Does that make sense? In the mountain? In the kitchen? Even in the living room? They're really lying everywhere. That empty bathroom.

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That's Ziprecruiter.com slash burr. One more time. Hey. Zip. The crouter, ma'am. The smartest way to hire. All right. So, anyways, all freckles, all freckles, all freckles, laying off the fucking booze for freckles, for freckles.

I'm actually seriously considering getting rid of my bar. Can you put, like, half drank? What the fuck is that? Sounds like the beginning of, like, a movie ripping off, said Eddie Murphy movie, Axel Foley. What do you think was playing other than the original porn? It's actually a highlight for the Vegas nights. Vegas will be the play the winner of the capital series. That's on Sports Illustrated.

If you'd like to have that as a ringtone. Let's see what this one sounds like. Oh, this is the old guy chasing the woman to the train. I saw this woman. She was beautiful. She was beautiful. I had to talk to her. Like, you could do that in fucking real life.

See some woman on a platform and then start running towards her train. You know? How do you not come off as a creep? You can't even be walking briskly. I would think that alone would freak a woman out. Like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Whatever one is stranger walking briskly towards you. Anyways, I mean, that's just my opinion.

It's just my opinion, people. That's all this fucking podcast is. It's just my opinion over and over and over again for 60 goddamn minutes. And you just got to sit there and take it. Oh, you shut it off. You know, that's always an option. You could do that instead of sitting there playing the victim, you know, and writing a blog about it.

I was so mentally abused by the Monday morning podcast. I couldn't reach up and hit stop. All right. So I've been downloading a bunch of fucking like late 70s and early 80s. Let's talk music here. I was watching something. What's his face? The lead singer of he was in black fat flag.

Whoops. Jesus Christ. Didn't mean to say that black flag. The fuck is his name there? He had a band. He had a band named after him. Jesus Christ. My brain is so fucking fried.

I keep thinking Ronson like Mark Ronson. I know it's not that, but the fuck is this goddamn. All right. And I got to look this shit up and don't fucking laugh at me because I know, I know I'm not the only one who does this shit. Black flag lead singer. This is why I can never be on jeopardy because even when I know the fucking answers, even when I know the goddamn answers, Henry Rollins, Jesus fucking Christ.

So I saw this thing, Henry Rollins, right? And he was recommending these albums. So some of them I had, some of them I didn't. And so he recommended this band Joy Division. And it's like, all right, I've heard of this band for fucking ever. I never took the time to get into them or any of that shit. If this guy is saying this is the real shit, he was saying their original album is as good as anything the Rolling Stones ever did and blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I went out, I went right to iTunes and promptly downloaded their second album by accident. I got to tell you, I love it. So I'm going to, I'm going to go back. I kind of feel fucked up because I should have done it chronologically and seen the growth even though they weren't around that long because unfortunately the lead singer committed suicide barely 24 years old. But Jesus Christ, there's some fucking unbelievable bands that came out of Manchester in the late 70s and early 80s that was so goddamn different from everything else that was going on.

Considering that first album that I haven't listened to yet, if it sounds anything like the second album, which came out in 79, to listen to that music and know that like popular music was like, at the time was like, I love the nightlife. I got to boogie on a disco ride. Oh yeah. I want to put on my, my, my, my boogie shoes. Hey fucking lady, let's go create some herpes. That's what all the songs were.

We're going to stop fucking until you can die from this shit. Come on now. Cocoa cocaine is not addictive. All right. Sorry. Anyways, but you know what's funny? I like disco music too. I like to shit because I was too young to know that evidently everybody fucking hated it.

And when I hear that shit, you know, I just, I just picture myself riding my bicycle up to the store to buy some football cars or baseball cards. I, I didn't know any better. I didn't realize that that was the music of the man, man. I had no idea. YMCA. I thought all of that shit was like, I thought that was legit. No idea.

Anyways, check out Joy Division. Download their first album by Henry Rollins said don't fucking accidentally download the second one. And then defend disco like I just did on my podcast. Okay. You don't have to. So I was listening to that. And then I was listening to that led me to remember Romeo void. Never say never.

I never knew what the woman looked like or anybody in the band. One of the coolest looking bands you're ever going to see. And then once again, way ahead of their fucking time, the video for never say never is cool. It's like a fucking movie. And I know I used to watch MTV all the time. I barely remember them ever playing this. But I would say Romeo void and Joy Division, both of them. Me listening to them really sitting down listening to that shit for the first time in 2018.

And the music still holds up. It doesn't feel like, you know, what is some of the popular shit? I'll fight the world at belt with you. That's not a bad song either, right? You know something? You can't objectively look at any music that was out when you were growing up. You know what I mean? Because there was like, oh man, I remember when this song came on.

That's the first time I got hung on a doorknob by my underwear, by the upperclassmen. You got all these great childhood fucking memories. I remember that. That's that time that fucking teacher locked me in the closet. Because he had to go do something. He didn't have time to like fucking, you know, watch me during detention. I remember that. I remember that day.

That was a day that fucking, God, I want to get in all this shit. Anyways, check them out if you get a chance. I guess that was the point of all that. The point of all that was to check those people out. If you have time. If you don't, I understand. Just keep listening to the shit you listen to. You know, I kind of noticed that when I went to that Giants baseball game last week.

Like there was a couple of guys that came to the plate and they would just listen to this. Remember that new metal and some of that horrific shit that came out in the early 2000s. You know, when they tried to combine rap and metal. You know, and then everybody would be up there playing instruments and then that'd be that one white kid running around. You're like, Oh God, is he going to start rapping? Please God, don't don't let him start rapping. That is the one amazing thing about that style of music. That was the one style of music that white people as much as they tried just could not steal it.

You know, I'm not saying that there, you know, having some guys like that haven't been tremendous, but you know, that is one. It was just, I don't know what it was. You just white people did their best. And then there was that whole jet and the music was so good that that white kids got into it. And then they did, Hey man, we ought to put that in our band. Bad, bad, bad, bad. Yo, it just didn't work. It just didn't work.

Um, there was a lot of stuff from that time that just fucking didn't work. I remember slam poetry. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. That that was just like, I just remember the person who would ever be doing it would always have their eyebrows up and be like pointing at you. Like what they were saying was just fucking unbelievable, like just unbelievable and it was like blowing your mind. And I would just be sitting there going like that.

You know, it's kind of a very mainstream point of view that has been set about people in power for a long time. I guess I've never heard it rhymed before. So that makes it new. I don't know. But I couldn't look at it objectively because that was yet another time stand up comedians were going like, Oh my God, this is going to take over stand up comedy. We're all going to be fucking homeless. Right. I told you guys about that time when in Massachusetts anyways, do you remember karaoke?

They still have karaoke, right? Which I know a lot of bands were nervous that that was going to end. People going to see live music. You know, because some plumber was going to be staying on stage going just a small town girl living in a lonely world. Like people at that point would be like, you know, I don't think I need to see this generation's Freddie Mercury because I can watch the guy who just plumbed my fucking toilet sing journey. I think I'm all set on professional musicians at this point. Thank you, karaoke. But you know, you know how it is to be you live in fear.

That's what it is. People live in fear. So anyways, the there was something that came out was called Carrie Jokey. And basically people in the restaurant or whatever would go on stage and there'd be a teleprompter and they would just read a joke. Like, you know, two guys walking to a bar and the bartender says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hey, I didn't know that I would have fucking done it an hour ago and they couldn't teach timing, right? But we were all convinced like to Carrie Jokey. It's going to do to stand up comedy.

What karaoke did to live music, which was absolutely nothing unless you were in an incredibly shitty band. So one time we were. I know I've told this story before. This is for the new listeners. All right. So one time I was doing this gig somewhere in New Hampshire was upstairs at a bar. The two story bar. Okay, people take drink it seriously in New England.

Two story fucking bar. You know, and there was plenty of room to add on to the bar. It wasn't like, you know, it was just densely populated area. I don't know. This guy was just building up for whatever reason. So we're on the second story of this fucking building and across the street is this little carnival. And all I remember was, you know, that, you know, that Viking ship ride. You get it.

It's just basically, it's like a giant swing going back and forth, but you're on that giant boat. So that is basically right outside the windows on the second floor of this bar. And there was screen windows too, because it was the summer. And I guess this place must not have had air conditioning. And all I remember was standing on stage bombing. And all I could hear was the people screaming on the ride. So my set that turned into like my own little horror film. And what was funny was the boat was not like parallel to the bar.

It was like pointed at it and it looked like it was going to come right through the fucking window and then it would go up. I remember the guy I was looking at was saying, you know, it's very phallic looking right now. I was dying laughing because when the underneath the boat was coming up and going back, it looked like, you know, that ridiculous shot in porno. Where just in case you think he's really not putting it in there, they make good goddamn. Well, you know that that's what's happening. I always wonder if like the porn star can feel the heat of the lens, unlike their ball bags and fucking who has. You know, maybe that's why they shave their pubes because they got sick of them lighting on fire during takes. I don't know.

I've never really seen it behind this. Actually, I did see it behind the scenes of a porno recently of a former porn star. Of this guy getting into the world and then wanting to get out of it and staying in it for 20 fucking years. And I watched the whole thing right up until when he decided to get out of it. And then the next one was him at Bible study. And then I shut it off. You know, I was just like, all right, I don't want to watch this part. You know, reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and I should probably, you know, look at Bible studying or something.

I don't know what the fuck it is. It's just something that always wigs me out about that. You know, I mean, because even you can sit table, hey, man, like that stuff doesn't exist, man. You also think he had, well, what does this get? What does exist? These are the ramblings of a guy turned 50 going like, do I need to hedge my bets and start going back to church? But wouldn't a higher power know like this guy's not totally buying into this shit? What is he doing right now?

Is he practicing some sort of sticking pattern on the church pews when he plays drums later on today? That's not very respectful. All right, let's do some reads here for this week. Grass fed versus grass finished. Dear Billy, beef breath. Releasing on your podcast, you did an ad for your new sponsor, butcher box. By the way, I tried that pork, that swan that they sent me. And it was, you know, I didn't realize like the original pigs that came over here before I guess they were all mixed with these other pigs.

It's very like white supremacy, the way they have like the pigs and dogs, like purebred and all that. Well, these purebred pigs, like you got to prove to their DNA that these are actually, you know, I don't know what pigs from fucking Liverpool. I have no idea. All I can tell is that, you know, I bought into the hype. So I don't know if that affected my taste buds, but it was one of the best pork chops I've ever had in my life. So hats off to butcher box. Anyways, you said you didn't know what the term grass finished beef means. It means they are giving you the real thing.

A lot of restaurants these day tell you they serve grass fed beef, and they usually charge more for it. The term used to mean exactly what it sounds like, but it's all gotten watered down now. Down and now it's often just a marketing gimmick. Pretty much all cattle are grass fed. They are Fred grass pellets. Hey, or if they are lucky, they get to spend their lives happily grazing in a pasture. But then almost all of them get fed grain or other garbage to fatten them up at the feedlot before slaughter. Grass finished, however, means they eat grass right up until the very end.

I learned this little bit of trivia when I was working as a travel writer in Hawaii. I wanted to pass it along because I figured I owe you. That's pretty cool. I started listening to your podcast and Joe Rogan's podcast because I frequently had long drives by myself to get to remote areas of the various islands, and persons can only listen to Hawaiian music. That's hilarious. Thanks for keeping me company on long drives. No problem.

In case you've never been to Hawaii before and are questioning my comments about long drives, the Big Island is about the size of the state of Connecticut. I didn't know that. And since there are no direct routes, it takes more than two hours to get from the Kona side of the Big Island to the Hilo side, where the volcano is currently erupting. The bright side of that volcano erupting isn't it creating more land while fitting out the population evidently? Here's a link about the term grass fed so you can verify for yourself. But it's a long article, so probably not something you want to read on the podcast. Dude, if it's a short article, it's not something I'm going to read on the podcast.

God knows I'll fuck that up. How scary is it to not only live next to a fucking volcano, but to be on a goddamn island? The only thing that I've seen that has been a little more relaxing is how slow the lava's been moving. After it's sort of erupted, he's still going to be near it, spitting up like a fucking toddler. Let me see, let me read up on this shit. Hawaii Volcano. What is the latest? Hawaii Volcano warning of toxic gas plumes.

Lava spews laze of toxic gas and glass into the air. It's spewing glass. Did people throw their fucking soda pop bottles down there? Or is that some chemical way that all of those minerals with that level of heat turns into glass? Lava, acid, rain, fog, sulfur dioxide, and now laze. New deadly threat emerges. Good fucking lord. Can you imagine if you're there right now in your honeymoon? You can't tell me that's not an omen.

Did I marry the right person? God, give me a sign. That could mean, you know, that could actually mean a good thing, right? Put the eruption, you know? It's going to fuck your brains out. I don't pretend to know. Okay, first it was lava, then acid, rain, and fog. What the fuck is fog? Am I so far behind the story that people know what fog is? Vogue. Vogue is a form of air pollution that results when sulfur dioxide and other gases and particles emitted by an erupting volcano react with oxygen and moisture in the presence of sunlight.

The word is a portmanteau of the word volcanic, smog, and fog. You mean the smoke that comes out of a volcano? They call that Vogue? The term is common in the Hawaiian islands. Vogue is created when volcanic gases react with sunlight, oxygen, and moisture. The results include sulfuric acid and other... Jesus fucking Christ. Those poor people, man. Living in that goddamn paradise, just sitting there, you know? So like school gets canceled out there, there will be no school today due to the Vogue.

We got to go next to two weeks in June because we missed those two weeks, you know, three months earlier when the volcano was erupting. Fucking Hawaiian people are tough, huh? Oh, there we got a little snowstorm. It's going to be slippery. You could slip and fall and break your tailbone. Then on the other side, they go, oh, really? Now we could burn to death, be vaporized, right? We go outside and breathe in poison.

So what the fuck? What is everybody doing out there? How poisonous is it? Jesus Christ, can you imagine that shit? Like you still decide to go ahead with your vacation. And as you're coming in for a landing, you're seeing all that Vogue. Honey, honey, it's okay. Stop crying. Stop crying. We're on the other side of the island. Okay? It's just, honey, it's just lava. Okay? It's just lava and a little bit of poison gas,

and it's currently still happening. Other than that, I mean, it's going to be fine. You're going to be sitting on the beach with a lay around your neck and a gas mask on your face, taking a big gulp of oxygen before you lift the mask and take a sip off your straw, drinking out of a coconut, just like we planned. Come on. This is our time. Come on. We're going to start a family.

The whole thing is ruined. First, I couldn't find my shoes, and now a volcano is erupting. I just want to go home. All right. Hey, stay strong, Hawaii. I don't know what else you do. I always thought, well, you know, if you're near the ocean, the lava comes, you just fucking just stand in the ocean.

Then the sharks come and get you, right? I mean, there's just no way to fucking do it. Why don't we literally stand in the ocean? I mean, like, I mean, like fucking, you know, stand along the beach, frolic in the waves. As you watch your retirement fun in your house burn up in flames. Did anybody else see that footage of that lava just kind of going across the street, towards that white car?

Did it bug you that nobody's like, you can't get the fucking car out of there? Jesus Christ. I'll tell you right now, if you ever steal a car and you want to get rid of it, that's it. Steal a car while a volcano is erupting. Have you a little joy ride, right? The cops chase you. You just drive it into some lava, and then you fucking jump out. Stole what, man? I don't see any car.

And then you know what would happen was they would have the dashboard came and then they'd get you for fucking, I don't know, destroying evidence or something. I don't know what the fuck, who knows? I don't pretend to understand things. All right, improve your fronche. Dear Billy Bilingual, I'm a 24 year old American man who completed a year abroad in Paris. I knew no French before going and now I'm now fluent.

Yeah, well, that's the way to do it. You're over there. I know you've been using Rosetta Stone and that's really helpful, but here's a tip on how you can become conversationally fluent. Fluent. Oh, great. The best thing to do is listen to audio book and read this text simultaneously in French. I know you hate reading, but if you get a good narrator, it can be entertaining and will make you litter it. Oh, yeah, I've been reading French books like kids' books to my daughter.

I read Harry Potter and Le Col dis saucer is whatever. And I was able to chat up French women afterwards. Hope this helps and go fuck yourself. Well, wait a minute. If someone's just speaking French and nobody's translating it for me. I'm just listening to French. How does it work? Audio book and read the text simultaneously.

Let me see something. French audio book with a VEC text. Let's see what I got here. French parallel audio. Oh, look at that. You know what? I'm going to do it. I'll give it a shot. Thank you very much. Oh, Jesus, look at this one.

Oh, Jesus. Police caught me with the prostitute. What's up, Bill? A big fan of yours. I enjoy your all. I enjoy your all your standups. Okay, I'm going to say this is his first draft. Your Netflix originals, especially efforts for family.

Thank you. And your interviews on YouTube, mostly the ones on Conan. I'm 28 years old, single, no kids, live alone. Kind of a loner. I smoke weed. I work midnight at a gas station. All right, let's do this again. 28 years old, single, no kids, I live alone.

Kind of a loner. I smoke weed. I work midnight at a gas station. I never go out. I don't drink. I don't do any kind of clubs or hardcore drugs. I just get horny. I usually have girls, but not this time.

I fucked it up with every girl. I was talking to, somehow I managed to be rude by asking them if they enjoyed giving head. Oh boy. I got to say, man, I got caught up in some bullshit. Tomorrow I have a trial and I'm a little nervous. I have to get a court appointed attorney. I don't trust anyone though.

The lawyer I was supposed to have wouldn't stop asking me for money when I told her I have it in three days. I don't lie. I'm honest as fuck. All right. I always get nervous and people say I don't lie. Anybody knows me knows I tell the truth. I didn't do that.

All right, so basically what happened, I got pulled over by the cops telling me straight up, they saw me talking with a known prostitute. For sure it was a sting operation, even though she showed me her tits. She was cute. Too cute if you ask me. A little too cute. So she got in my car and asked me what I wanted. I told her, but she wanted more money, so I said no thanks.

She got out and I decided to go home. I pull out into the street and literally not even 30 seconds later I see lights come on behind me. Luckily I didn't go to jail. They gave me a ticket and pounded my car though. All right, so what's the problem? I've been bullshit my mom. I told her the car's in the shop.

I thought you said you don't lie and that you're honest as fuck. Anyway, so I had to spend two grand to get it back, but it was in my mom's name, so I had to come up with another lie. I thought you said you didn't lie. You're honest as fuck. And I was trying to sell the car even though that makes no fucking sense. What? So I needed paperwork stating she was my mother giving me permission

to retrieve my car from the county clerk's office and have it notarized by the bank. I know Bill, I don't lie. If I told my mom, she'd probably die. All right, so we kind of covered his tracks in. No joke, I'm the youngest of five, all fuck ups, all boys. I'm supposed to be the good one and I am. I was just being stupid.

I think the only thing that's worrying me is the fine. Probably like five to ten grand. Oh well, thanks for the time to read this. By the way, I live, I'm gonna say where you live. I have tickets to your show. Can't wait. Anyways, thanks and go fuck yourself. All right, well, she's probably gonna find out.

I would just tell her. I'd just tell her to say, listen, I fucked up, you know, I fucked up. She's your mother, she'll forgive you, right? I don't know. I think I would be more worried about the five to ten thousand dollar fine than your mom not loving you anymore. All right, you fucked up, you made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes, I make mistakes, you made a mistake.

You know, what the fucking life is, you make mistakes, you learn from your mistakes, you move on, you try to do better. All right, that's it. I've said it for a long time. If people were cars, we'd be recalled. There's a reason the world is so fucked up. It's because humans are running it, okay? We're just smart enough to be fucking morons.

All right, good luck to you. My friend's dad wants to pay me to get naked. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. Well, the last one, girlfriend and best friends graduating same time, different places. Thank you, a nice sitcom trope I can finish with here. I got two dates in one night.

All right, let's get through this one. My friend's dad wants to pay me to get naked. Oh, Jesus. Hey, Mr. William Frederick Burr. Hope you're doing good, big fan of the podcast and all your other shit, keep doing what you're doing. I'm a 24-year-old guy from the UK. Okay, the UK.

Until recently, I've been working behind the bar in the local pub where my friend's dad would drink regularly. I met him a handful of times over the past 10 years or so as his son, as his son is one of my best friends. He's about 70 years old and a very devout Catholic. That's not a good characteristic. Who has also worked at the church in some other capacity or another.

The whole religion. Okay. Because maybe he's a good guy. I've always got a weird vibe from him. Oh, boy. And he started to seem even weirder. Oh, Jesus. After seeing him multiple times in a week,

he was giving me big tips, which is rare in the UK. And he would cup my hand with both hands for 10 seconds or so when he gave the money to me. He'd stare into my eyes saying all this weird complimentary stuff about me like, you're a very good bar man. And you'll go fall. Sorry, the bad accent. So I started to feel something was off about this guy.

Yeah, God, this is like when quints slid into the mouth of the shark. One day after a few months of generous tips from him and general weird encounters, he had about five large glasses of red wine and got pretty drunk. As I was walking around the pub collecting glasses, he called me over to him and pulled me to one side in a dark dimly lit corner. He hushed his voice and got really close to me with his putrid breath, wafting into my nose and said something along the lines of Roy,

I have a proposition for you. First off, I just want to make it clear that I'm not gay. Oh, Jesus, I'm not gay at all. Right. Well, I want to do what I do have. What I do have is an appreciation for the male form. I can't keep doing this accent. What I do have is an appreciation for the male form.

I used to have a boy who I would pay 150 pounds, which is 200 euros. That's our 203 American. Really? To allow me to look at his naked body a few times per week. I wouldn't touch him or force him to do anything. He would simply get undressed and I would appreciate his body and pay him for his time. Does this sound like something you would be interested in? Oh, my God.

I immediately said, no, it was pretty shocked, but I didn't make a scene. I just laughed it off and said, sorry, I'm not interested. The next day he came into the pub and practically begged me not to tell his son and started to give me even bigger tips in the following weeks. I tried to refuse, but he insisted. It was basically hush money. It was like I was wrapped up in some sort of big scandal and being paid for my silence. There was one time where he ran into the pub looking really flustered during a storm. What little hair he has left was all over the place and was stuck to his red, wet, veiny face.

Jesus Christ. His clothes were drenched. He was really out of breath and he ran up to me and said, you haven't told him, have you? That's fucking nuts because the person was probably acting weird or slightly different. I haven't told him, no, I said. He was clearly really worried about what he'd said, so I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. As he's clearly gay and most likely suppressed his entire life due to him being a devout Catholic. That's what I was thinking.

I felt bad for that. I felt, you know, obviously that you had to fucking have that fucking interaction. But I mean, yeah, that's what this is. This is why you should just let people be who the fuck they are. My gut instinct is to just never mention it to anyone, but a second opinion would be great. Yeah, dude, I wouldn't say anything. He's 70 fucking years old. All right.

You know, to his credit, he asked, you said no, and then that was it. And now he's just saying, please don't tell anybody. Anyway, so essentially I know that one of my best friend's dad is trying to cheat on his mom with young men. So part of me feels like his wife has the right to know. But on the other hand, I don't want to ruin their family. So my question to you is, should I bring it up with my friend? What should I do? Thanks to go fuck yourself.

But instead just have a nice, thanks to don't go fuck yourself, but instead just have a nice day for me. Will you? All right. Sending love to yourself, me and the little baby. Thank you. Looking forward to the new Eiffel's family. Thank you. No, the guy's fucking seven years old.

I mean, what are you going to do with that point? You know, I don't know. He's a guy bisexual. I have no fucking idea. All I know is he asked you said no, and he's left you alone other than panicking that you're going to fucking tell somebody. So I feel like that's his, if he wants to tell people, that's his, that's his thing. You know what I mean? I don't fucking know.

Fall you. I mean, I would think that his wife on some level might even fucking know who the fuck. Now relationships are very complex to just fucking jump in there and think that you're going to be playing the hero when you don't have any of the information. I would just, just walk away from it. Just walk away. That's what I would do personally, you know. Jesus Christ. What a story.

I feel like I was watching a movie. All right, girlfriend and best friend graduating same time, different places. Dear Billy bombshell. My best friend and new girlfriend are graduating college on the same day. And I don't know whose ceremony to attend. I just finished my junior year of college and recently started dating a girl one year older who was graduating in less than a week. However, my best friend since I was five also graduating college on the same day at the same time, but at a different school. Needless to say, I cannot be at both places at once.

I'm not really sure whose ceremony I should attend. I don't want to piss off my new girlfriend, especially because she's way too hot for me. Well, she's way too hot for you. That's that's a good thing to try to like keep yourself level is don't fucking jump every time she asked you to. I don't know. I would go to my buddy's graduation to say, unfortunately, you know, they just came at the same time. You know, what's funny is a woman would be like, and you're going to choose him over me. Like, and I would never do that.

If I was dating a girl for a year and she's like, listen, your graduation is the same day as my best friend since I was five before she even got through it. And I listen, I get it. No fucking problem. Hey, here's a little secret. I don't want to go to the graduation ceremony myself. I just got to get the piece of goddamn paper. That's the only reason why I'm showing up. Don't worry, I'll take a video.

All right. Gives a fuck. It's a ceremony. He says, anyway, really unsure. I can justify picking a new girlfriend over my best friend, but at the same time, he doesn't give me sex. So there's that aspect. Let me know what I think you should do. I don't think you should operate from a place of fear.

I think you should go with loyalty and you should go to your friend's thing. That's what I would do. You know, she can't understand it. What are you going to do? Plenty of fish in the sea. All right. False rape allegations ruining my friend's life. Jesus fucking Christ.

I hate reading these things because I don't have any of the information. Now you're going to tell me it's a false rape thing. So now I don't know if I'm actually going to be supporting a victim or if I'm going to be fucking supporting somebody who really did something. Here's the situation. I'm currently in my senior year of college. My graduate, I did. I'm not reading this fucking thing. All right.

Look at this psycho bitch got mad and blah, blah, blah. Now this is all like, this is what's wrong with the internet right now is because now I'm going to listen to one side of the fucking story. The woman who you call a psycho bitch is not going to get a chance to tell her side of the story. And I'm going to make a snap judgment and say, yeah, you know, this is a psycho bitch. I just, you know, I like these are like questions used to be a lot lighter people. This is some hands up. This is some heavy fucking shit. My dad's, my best friend's dad is 70 and I found out he's gay.

Should I tell them or should I keep the secret? What the way, at what point did I become qualified to answer this shit? I don't fucking know. Anyways, that's the podcast. Go Celtics, go capitals and go fuck yourself. I'll talk to you on Thursday. I'll check in on you.