Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-17

Episode Date: May 22, 2017

Bill rambles about Saskatchewan, New York City and the Celtics vs the Cavs.

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Is that a record for how quickly I said the F word? I'm actually doing the podcast right now, riding in a car I'm not driving, I'm on my way to New York City Because I have to do some promotional stuff here For Effis for Family that's coming out this week, right? Or next week? May 30th, I don't know what So this begins, oh Billy Redface

Showing his freckled puss on anything I can get myself on You know, so whatever, I'm driving to New York And you know something, there's all this fucking traffic And I gotta take an early flight tomorrow back to LA I don't have time, and my wife just sent me this whole thing On what successful people do, and they fucking You know, they, I don't know what they do They know how many minutes are in a day

Evidently, there's 1440 minutes in a day And they use this wisely, and they delegate Right? They delegate shit I don't wanna do that, you know how to do that, right? Alright, I'll pay you to do that You know, a small portion of what the fuck I'm making I gotta get better at that In order to delegate though, what you have to be

Is you have to be social And you know, that's not my thing unless I've had a couple of drinks Other than that, I'm kind of a curmudgeon I don't know if you've noticed, I'm a little bit grumpy But we're fucking cruising now This would be like a Thursday one I thought I was gonna get to do the whole hour So anyways, I just got back from my tour up there in Canada

Work with Nate Craig, who murdered it If you don't believe me, ask anybody who was in Winnipeg Saskatoon, and Regina And first of all, I'm very proud that Nate and I did a show Two shows in Regina, and neither one of us went with the easy joke Nobody did the stupid, it rhymes with fun Nobody's like, Regina, Regina, what's up with that? I thought there was gonna be a giant twat here

Sinkhole, slash thing We kinda left it alone And I don't know, we had a great time Let's just back it up here, okay? We start off in Winnipeg I told the people at Winnipeg that I wasn't gonna tell people this But I just think they're so off the beat, Matt The path is fine

The cuisine in Winnipeg is fucking insane Alright? Ah, Jesus, what's the name of that place? We actually didn't have time to go this time I ordered from this place the peasant something or other It was my little list of places to go Scrolling down to Winnipeg I thought there was gonna be a bunch of traffic

He's just blocking me up the driver here Alright, peasant kitchen Get to Tortierre, if you're ever there T-O-R-T-I-E-R-E, it's French pork pie And then we went to the tallest poppy for breakfast the next day And I wouldn't have known about either one of those Shout out to a Canadian by the name of Ed Robertson You might have heard of him

He plays in a band, I think he's in a garage band Or something like that You might have heard of him, I don't know I'm just fucking with you So anyways, the food was unbelievable up there And the shows were awesome Played in this old theater that I forget the name of I don't remember

It's been around since like 1900 And up top they have like the same old shitty seats they used to have Back when everything was segregated And all the white people were downstairs And anybody else had to walk all the flights of stairs to go upstairs And what's the result? What's the result? 50 years later, white people are getting their asses kicked in sports

You know why? We got no quads, we don't have any glutes That's why our asses are so flat We just used to walk into the theater, we were on the ground level And everybody else had to walk up That's why we got our asses kicked from the gridiron to the dojo It's true Let's go back to going to see Harry Houdini and not having to work for it

So we were actually there and it wasn't cold as shit like the last time And I tried out some new stuff Everything was going great Went to bed the first night and had a drop of booze How about that? Didn't smoke a cigar, even though there was Cuban cigars But it's Canada, so they got Cuban cigars But there's no place to smoke them

They're very hostile against smokers They're just maybe like overly protective They saw a helicopter parent with smokers up there And you're sort of, I guess, allowed to do it outside Although I didn't think I really saw anybody smoking anywhere So anyways, we did that gig And the next one on the docket was we drove up to Sasca Tune I was speaking in which there was these two or three cunts at the Winnipeg show

I thought they were booing me But they were just going, tune! I don't know why we were in Winnipeg I guess that short for Saskatoon It's like Cleveland, the land up there, I guess they call it the tune Or they just yell out tune, I have no fucking idea But we, I thought they were booing me So, you know, I got off stage and I was just like, Jesus Christ, man

I thought that was a good show, you know? But I was like, no, no, no, they were yelling tune I'm like, what's tune? For Saskatoon I was like, all right, we're in Winnipeg They're like, oh, yes, sorry, sorry That's a big thing in Canada, everybody's sorry I'm like, oh, sorry Like this waitress was clearing our table and, you know

Plate is empty and when she goes to clear it, she goes, oh, sorry, sorry It's like, you're apologizing for due You brought food to me, now you're taking it away and you're apologizing Do it all the time, sorry I'm sorry, get the puck out, sorry So anyways, we did the drive up from Winnipeg to Saskatoon The one that everybody was saying, hey, get ready What the hell's that sound?

Jesus, that's not pleasant, is it? I'm sorry, sorry I picked it up I'm gonna be ridiculously pleasant on this, you know? Fuck those cunts who yelled out tune in Winnipeg, sorry So anyways, everyone was saying I was gonna be dreading that drive You know, like an eight-hour drive And so we start, me and Nate start driving up

And we're just hitting all these bugs and shit But I gotta tell you, man, it was beautiful And both loved the drive You know, we live in L.A. We're just smashed in with a zillion other people It's nice to get out there What a beautiful country Canada is Good Lord

All these farmhouses All of this land It was beautiful And all I just kept thinking was I would love to fly a helicopter out here Because if you had a problem, you could land it anywhere As opposed to when I'm in L.A. I'm looking for fucking soccer fields and playgrounds And hoping there's not kids there

If I ever had a problem And just up there was just like Just wide-open spaces And it wasn't that bad a drive We did it in like seven hours We took the one-lane highway instead of the two-lane highway So we had a lot of fun like peeking around trucks and shit Trying to pass them

A lot of farmers like driving these giant tractors down the fucking street You know I don't know I got a bunch of pictures of shit that I saw Every mile, there was a barn that looked like it was gonna fall down And there'd be some guy who just had like a zillion fucking cars Or tires or something all piled up in his yard It was really

It was pretty interesting And I was just thinking those guys from Gas Monkey You know, if they ever pull all the fucking cars out of barns down in the states They could just go up to Manitoba and Saskatchewan They'd find I saw a number I saw a 65 I'm driving like 70 miles an hour too when I still saw it

So a 65 Ford Galaxy I don't know if it was the 500 Might have been, no, I think it was the 64 actually 64 I know, it sounded like the fucking Rain Man right now So anyways, then we get up to fucking Saskatchewan Saskatoon And we only had one show that night

So of course I went out and got absolutely fucking hammered Hammered at this bar A lot of tattoos A lot of tattoos up in Saskatoon A lot of tattoos, sorry Um But it was a beautiful town, it had this amazing park And um

Which I forget the fucking name of And I got up the next day because I and I From all those years I haven't a paper route Like I can only sleep for so fucking long I just sort of naturally wake up So even though I didn't get to bed until like 2 in the morning I still woke up at like 8.30 And I was staying at that fucking red rum hotel there It's this beautiful old hotel that looks like you could have shot the shining in there

And it's right next to this long park And I just was watching I got this little mini waterfall I watched these pelicans Trying to fish I saw some geese with some baby geese walking around It was crazy Through all these years of living in New York in LA

I was just sitting there geeking out And there was some old lady standing there looking at the goose And the goose was like putting its fucking head down Looking at her And I'm thinking that's like an aggressive posture So I walked away but I was also looking sort of laughing Like thinking that goose was going to fuck the old lady up And then thinking like what would I do

Because that would be bad I mean I can't walk away from the old lady But I also don't want to slap this shit out of this goose in front of all of its children So sort of a tense little moment there out in nature And fortunately cooler heads prevailed And everybody went their separate ways But I don't think the old lady knew how close she came, you know She had a big grin on her face

Like ducking down low So she's kind of ducking down like imitating it You know, she's looking at a gorilla and she's pounding her chest And I thought for half a second like I was going to see some like, you know Some fucking old lady bird MMA action, you know But you know what, she's so fucking old I bet she knows how to kill a goose She probably went out in the back here and I do that shit

They just walk up and they grab it by the neck And then they do the spin move And then they just hold on to the neck so the body spins And it just breaks the fucking thing's neck She looked like she was old enough that she actually lived during those times You know, back when you earned your meal, you know Like you knew the name of the thing that you killed It was like a pet, right?

You had weird dreams and probably slipped into your fucking sexuality somehow You're like dressing up like a bird when you fuck or something like that There's some weird thing when anytime you get abused, you know, violent, sexy I don't know what it is, it ends up making you some weirdo on the wreck So anyways, I end up doing the... So I walked up and I went over that river there, whatever the fuck it is Like walking along these train tracks And I gotta be honest with you, I was a little nervous about that

Because it was this old kind of wooden bridge And I was just thinking, every time someone would walk by me You know, I always kind of made eye contact and like braced myself Because I just was nervous that someone was just gonna grab my legs and throw me over I remember seeing a movie a long time ago, this guy did that He was a psycho and he went hiking with these people and they didn't realize he was a psycho I think he had already killed people and then he went up there and He went to like take a picture of this woman, this couple of somebody

Push both of them off the fucking cliff And it was so eerily done That I'm like, this has to be based on a true story Because usually that's not good enough for Hollywood There has to be some dramatic way they kill you rather than just some creepy real way So I was walking across that, that beautiful nature and everything Then I was just, you know, worried someone's gonna just... I don't know, just grabbed me by my ankles and tossed me right over before I realized what it was going on

You know, typical shit, had to be so busy trying to save my cell phone I wouldn't even think about myself before I went over I think I could have landed it though, you know I don't think I was that high up You know, what does that say about me that I'm going through nature I'm thinking birds are gonna tackle ladies or somebody's gonna throw me off a bridge Or even just overly conscious because I know the fucking drivers wasn't in there Anyways, plowing ahead here

Then we did the drive down to Regina, I don't know, I don't really have any... We went to some fucking bar Well, I don't even know where the hell I was drinking It's the same place I had lunch and I fucking went into... When I was in Saskatoon, it's right out front from the... From the red rum inn that I was staying at And oh my god, that place was a shit show And this is fucking hilarious, we walked into the bar and the guy goes

Can I see your driver's license? And I go, yeah, and then he goes to scan the thing And I like blocked it with my hand and I go, dude, don't scan my ID But he'll go, oh, you know, it's just for us, blah, blah, what the fuck Fuck outta here He would scan Nate's though It's just like, hey, like, just the liberties that people take with your ID I don't let go of my ID anymore, let me see your ID

And I just show, I hold on to it and they go to take it I go, just read it I don't give people my ID, you can look at it, you can read it You know, I check into hotels, they always go to grab it from me and I hold on to it And they go, oh, sorry, sorry, can I see it? I go, I don't want you to type any information into your, you know Oh, we just do that, so the next time you stay, now you don't You take it and then you sell it

And then someone else gets it and then all my fucking shit's out there And they say, you know, you know, I don't know what Somebody defaults on a house and fucking Regina and the banks are coming after me I don't know what, I just know it's not a good thing So we went in there, oh my god, those people were fucking partying It was some sort of holiday weekend up there, I don't know what it was for But a lot of tattoos, a lot of tattoos A lot of sleeves, a lot of fucking tattoos

I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking And I vaguely remember them bringing a hockey stick over It was a Sherwood that blew my mind Because I had not seen one of those since I was a kid, you know And they did shots out of it And I don't really remember much after that I just remember, I walked out by myself, I do remember that, I think Yeah, so then the next day I woke up and I did the whole stupid walk

And when I was done with the walk, there was this little double decker bus And I was starving, I didn't know where there was a good breakfast place And I just said fuck it, and I walked up to the double decker bus That they turned into this fucking little restaurant thing And I had a hot dog for breakfast and followed it up with a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone And I sat alone on a fucking park bench eating an ice cream cone Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, hung over his shit and just laughing at myself Like what kind of a fucking life am I living?

So as I'm sitting there, this nice Canadian couple pulls up, right? They're both on bicycles, one of them is towing a kid And I just see the one guy, you know, they're all like Flanders Like that's how nice they are up there, and he just goes, he pulls up and he's like, oh no, oh no And I'm like, what's he looking at? And I turned around and I looked back at the little bus thing that had the hot dogs and the ice cream And like 40 children just showed up, brought up by like the teachers or something It's like they were going to be out of ice cream and hot dogs by the time these people ordered

It was fucking hilarious, I beat the rush just by like 30 seconds Like they were just all, oh no, oh jeez Well I guess we got here at the wrong time No, no, no, sorry, sorry, it's okay, it's okay You eat everything, I don't need nourishment They were like even apologetic like that I always forget how loud and obnoxious I am and my fellow Americans are until I go to like other countries Like I don't want to be the guy shitting on Americans

Because I was up there and Nate just kept talking about how nice the people were up there And I was like dude fuck these people, they riot when they lose, you know, a playoff series Okay, they're just as racist, they're just as fucked up, blah blah By the time we got to Regina I was like alright, you know what, these are really nice people I'll give it to you, I'll give it to you Alright, I'm stubborn, I don't want to be yet another person that travels to another country And then comes back here to tell everybody how everything in this country is wrong You should see how they make a grilled cheese sandwich up there

I mean, it's just so, everything's like fucking better, it's like really Is that why everybody's always paying attention to us, you know If we stink so bad, how come you know the name of our president and we don't know the name of your president, huh? Why don't you think about that one for a second Gee, I don't know, Bill, because you guys dropped bombs on us Alright, fair enough Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Alright, 17 minutes, this is like the fucking old days

Right now if you'd like to know, I'm going over the Manhattan Bridge Looking at my old digs way back in the day up the street I used to live in Yorkville, I think that's what it was called It was the depressing fucking Roosevelt Island Queensborough Bridge I walked across that thing one time, I was so sick of going to the gym I was just like, you know, I ran down, I didn't run, what am I talking about I fucking walked down, walked over the bridge And there's no way to walk on a bridge and not think about that Saturday night fever

That fucking idiot, you know I love how he was too cowardly to get into that fight And then he's going to do a headstand on the Verrazano Bridge That's the one, by the way, that's the one that goes from Brooklyn to Staten Island See if I still remember this, it goes Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan, Williamsburg, then Manhattan Hey, sir, is this the Brooklyn, I mean is this the Manhattan or Williamsburg? Williamsburg Williamsburg, oh sorry, Williamsburg, my fault

So it goes Brooklyn, Manhattan, Williamsburg, Queensborough And then I don't know what the fuck else is up there, there's some sort of footbridges Tribural bridges, some shit, they probably renamed it, you know, at this point It's not the Jackie Robinson fucking bridge, it's probably named after some lady, you know I don't know what, some lady who fucking showed a clam on a show And she was considered brave, you know, the hairy twat, the hairy bridge Look, I don't do a fucking vagina, joker, vagina, now I'm going to do it on a bridge What's wrong with me?

So anyways, oh my god, Alphabet City, yeah Now it's like all nice, Thompson Square, pack, all the memories are coming back You know, I've been gone from this city for so long that there's a lot of it that I don't even recognize Like, I mean obviously the Empire State Building and that type of shit, Times Square and that type of thing But it's like just completely different from the city that I moved to Like Times Square was fucking scary when I moved here So we just drove by, just drove by and was driving like 30 miles an hour with the sunroof open With their cell phone out the top videotaping

I guess I'm podcasting but I'm not driving, right? Oh, do you want to film it? Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, it's okay, sorry I'll edit it for you, I won't charge you anything, I'm Canadian How funny is it that they're that nice and then you get them out on the ice? That's when it all comes out, right? Fucking cross-check into the neck, all of a sudden Flanders gets his glasses off Puts on a different kind of sweater and you better keep your fucking head up That's Canada, right?

Can somebody please do a drawing of fucking Flanders as a goon? For the fucking, I don't know, the Thunder Bay, Lamas, whatever the name of your teams are Up there in the fucking lower levels, the minor leagues, whatever you call them Every fucking Canadian has a say, oh I made it to Thunder Bay and I didn't I wasn't good enough to get in the NHL so I tried to fight my way into the league I know I'm doing a bad Canadian accent, I apologize But anyways, I remember a long time ago, Jeff Ross hosted a comedy show Live from Thompson Square Park

And I remember thinking that was so fucking badass, anybody that was performing there Because Alphabet City, like before it even came here, people were saying how scary that was And Thompson Square was just like, the city had just given in to like I mean, it was like, that's a subway going by if you hear something It was just like a tense city, like I walked by it one time and it was just like I was trying to mask the fear in my face, plus you know, rubber neck and just wanted to see what it looked like And it was like junkies, homeless people, just fucking mentally ill people It was like, it was like the beginning of a bad like hair metal video

You know, when they used to try to do those apocalypse ones They were all basically loosely based on the escape from New York People coming up on a manholes, even once his face did that, Michael Jackson did it It was like the thriller video, except you know, it was real Get away Anyways, I'm going to read some advertising here at the risk of getting carsick It was funny about having a kid as your screen savers all become your kid And every time you pick up your phone, you just, you know, you're around other adults

And they have no idea you're looking at your kid and you just go Then you try to turn it into a cough Excuse me Because as a man, you're not allowed to show love Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with delicious veal Yeah, great Alright, content live reads Okay, here we go

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I used to do this fucking room called Surf Reality And it was the beginning of the alt scene And the level of talent, this was before you could start your career Start a privileged career in the fucking alt rooms Where there was like, no heckling, let's just support And give somebody at least 20 minutes to get to a fucking punchline This was like club comics going down there and then just some weirdo people that You know, just were just totally different, but all the comics loved them

And I used to do a place down here called Surf Reality And I remember every time I got off the train and I walked over here I used to fuck, I was convinced I was gonna get mugged And I bought this jacket from the Army Navy store And a black fucking hat, trying to look like I was in nom or some shit And, you know, keeping my head down so they didn't see the fucking Ron Howard Look on my goddamn face, you know? You know what's great about this is as I look out this

I might be able to do a whole podcast and not bring up what is happening to my Boston Celtics Jesus Christ, everything that I feared finally happened I told you guys when I first started watching them, I'm like, how can a team that doesn't really have a center That doesn't rebound, is not good playing D in the paint And lives and dies by the three How can you win in the NBA? But they did, and I bought into it And you know what, a big bucket of reality hit us and gave us the old right there, Fred

I don't know if game three is tonight, but after watching game two Jesus Christ I was so excited, at least we got the number one pick next year I'm gonna go out on a limb and say maybe we should get a center What are you guys thinking, man? You still believe in Kelly Olinik? If the rest of the team can somehow get us to game seven I'm warning you people in Cleveland right now, you better watch out for Kelly Olinik That is a bad man in game seven

Games one through six, he's fucking horrific But you get that man to game seven Lucky seven, that's what I call him Lucky seven with his Kobe 11s Brings the Celtics to heaven, some shit, I don't know if it rhymes, it's true After game two, I'm wondering if we're even gonna make it to game four I mean, we lost by 54 fucking points That's like some shit that happens when you're like in middle school

But there's a part of me that actually enjoys this Because I'm rooting against the Warriors And I think at Bugs LeBron and the Cavaliers that we were the number one seed I think it bugs him that they acted like we even remotely had a shot against them And I know Isaiah's hurt, we just found that out, but come on He's hurt, so what, we only lose by 34 points? I think they just got a chip on their shoulder, they're the defending champs And nobody is talking about them like they are

And everybody's up the fucking ass You know, oh, the Boston Celtics, who they're number one seed, just trying to sell this series, right? Everybody's out there talking about the fucking, the filthy Golden State Warriors Kicking people in the balls and blowing out fucking ankles and shit I mean, has there been a more boring western conference or eastern conference matchups? I mean, these things have just been absolute blowouts I bet they're calling up Stern again and he's gonna get those mobbed up refs in there to fucking start fixing some games again Just so they don't lose out on all this ad money

Because these things are just gonna go, they're gonna go four games Rather than having 14 games, possibly, of ad money They're gonna have the bare minimal eight, you know? And these owners, man, they got a lot of money they have to pay out to these players, you know? They spend a lot of money with their hookers and all that type of shit, you know? Getting their fucking tummies tucked Lap band surgery and all this shit, getting their faces yanked back So they can keep banging the underpaid cheerleaders or whatever it is that they do

So everybody's just basically waiting for the finals And I don't know, man, I don't want to jinx it I'm gonna shut up because I already jinxed the fucking city of Washington By just saying I don't want to jinx it, but I think... Well, I'm not gonna say what's gonna happen, I'm just gonna say what I would love to see I want to see the Cavaliers win, I want to see them go fucking back to back And I want to see that fucking dream team Of, I don't know, I can't say a bunch of free agents, just, I don't know

I'm just all cunty because I wanted to see the fucking... I wanted to see the thunder, see if they could get by him I didn't want to see the fucking, one of the best guys just joined the goddamn team Can you imagine that, like, back in the day? You know, like, when Larry Bird steals the ball from Isaiah Can you imagine the next year, like, Isaiah Thomas was a Celtic? Then we just, like, kicked the shit There's a fucking guy staring at me, like, why I'm doing this recording right now

I just waved at him And he continued to stare at me, and now I'm feeling like... Now I'm feeling weird Well, I guess he was looking at the car He had sunglasses on, Jesus Christ Is this guy a fucking robot? Why is he looking at me? He's got a minivan, and you just stare, I'm in a SUV I guess if you have a minivan, you fucking...

You take your sunglasses off to look at an SUV Right? The minivan is sort of the ball-less SUV And the SUV is sort of the one ball, like, I don't know, full-size truck I don't know how it works I'm not a redneck, oh fuck, the handmaid's tail On Hulu, is anybody watching that? I came home the other day and my mother-in-law, she always, she watches all these shows that I would never see

She started to watch one about, it was about this girl who committed suicide and left like a tape And she was watching that one there, it's like, little house in the prairie meets like an S&M video It was really weird, I don't know what was going on, like, they were like these nuns and they were trying to escape this thing And one of them makes it on the subway and the other one doesn't And the next thing you know, they got her tied down and they're beating her feet How do you get that job? The official, like, feet-beater I could see, like, back in the day, you know what I mean, back in the, well, maybe this was back

No, this seems to be like in the future Do you realize that there's people out there that they're born and at some point when they try to figure out, like, what am I good at? Like, the answer to that ends up being torturing other human beings How fucked up is that? You know what I mean, just like... It's kind of like being like a comedian, either funny or you can't teach somebody to be funny And then there's like, like, torturing somebody, you just can't teach somebody To be able to do that and just, like, block it out as somebody's fucking screaming

It's like you're sitting there screaming and crying Like, I just, just, just whacking the shit out of her feet Always come on, always ask my mom, like, Jesus, Christ, what the hell are you watching? She always laughs She's like, I don't know, I just put this on Alright, so here we are, Jesus Christ, you know, I gotta give it up to the graffiti artists Like, they've really taken it to another level You know? And certain tattoos I've noticed

You know, there's like, the high-level tattoo artists are amazing But the problem is, is most people that get tattoos don't have a lot of money So like, you know what's the worst is when you see somebody go into a tattoo parlor And they're looking at shit on the wall And it's just like, dude, that's gonna be on your body for life You don't even have like a, you don't have an idea, you don't have a theme Let's see, I don't know Kind of like a butterfly with like a bee

And that's what's gonna end up happening If you look on a wall, it's either gonna be a skull What's that star tattoo that everybody has, that red and fucking black one? I know like three comedians that have them A couple of boy band guys have them I don't know what it is, maybe it's an anime thing, I have no idea That's my new word, anime, because I'm watching that fucking one punch man Anyways, let's get back to the Celtics, holy fucking shit

You realize we have lost, I think we've lost by like a total of like north of 80 points In the first two games, definitely north of 70 Like if you took all the, if you just had the Cavaliers win by one in game one and then one in game two And you just gave them all those other points, like they would not, they could have me in there Well who's kidding, no, me, you could have me in there for about a quarter and a half It's all tied up, 78, 78 Jesus Christ, I mean this is like one, this is the worst beating a Celtic team has ever taken in my life in the playoffs The other closest, most humiliating one to this was, I don't know, a lot of people don't remember this

During the Larry Bird era, and it was the last year of Bill Fitch, he had kind of lost the team I guess they blame the coach, I don't know how But we got swept by the Milwaukee Bucks And I remember we lost game one, and we lost game two, and then we lost game three And I just kept thinking like they're gonna turn it on, they're gonna turn it on, and then they lost game four And that team had Larry Bird, Robert Parish, Kevin McHale I don't think we had Dennis Johnson at that point, and I'm trying to remember who was on the Bucks Was Sydney Montcreef, I don't know who else

Dude, I'm so psyched that I already got 40 minutes of this fucking podcast time, because I have no goddamn time Like I was supposed to be at this thing that I'm doing, I was supposed to be there 25 minutes ago It's 5.55, it's supposed to start at 6.30, so there is some PA right now freaking the fuck out And there's nothing I can do about it, I'll look at this, I'm on Houston Street Another fire engine, this is just like the fire chief, he's got like a pickup truck Ah, they got a fire engine there, by the way dude, do you see that fucking lunatic? Which is plowed into the, all those people in Times Square, what the fuck is wrong with people? Jesus, I didn't want to like talk about it, give anybody fucking ideas, let's get off that subject

Oh, the Adidas store, I love Adidas, I've always been an Adidas guy, I don't mind Nike, you know I like it, I always liked Adidas better You know why, because no one knew, like everyone knew Adidas before Nike came along, it's Nike, Nike, I don't know what it is Ah, wow, look at this, this is down near the old fucking, my old subway stop When I used to live on the Upper East Side, I used to come down and go to the Comedy Cellar and the Boston Comedy Club What the fuck, Astor Place, that's where I used to get off And that's when I started looking up all the names of these people, like who the, what is Astor Place? And I found out about the Astor family, they just all, just a bunch of fucking slumlords

All the statues, I just started looking them up, learned about the Triangle Shirt Waste Fire People jumping to their fucking deaths, because somebody locked the door to the, look that one up, Triangle Shirt Waste Fire I actually read a book on it, and it was just, I don't know why I did, it was the most uncomfortable book since I read the book The Perfect Storm And, um, if you don't want to buy the book, just fucking open it up, and just, there's a chapter Maybe like a three page thing, maybe, where the guy describes what happens when you drown And it's just like, I don't know, your fucking blood goes cold, man, it's fucking freaky as hell Do you know whenever they find those guys in the caves, they always have this goofy smile on their face, like those divers Who decide to fucking swim into a goddamn cave

Then what I love, they're dumb enough to do that, and then some poor bastard has to go in there Has to go in there and try to fucking find them, why don't they just leave them down there? What the fuck, I don't understand, you know what I mean, just fucking leave them down there Why do you get to spend all that money to go get a swam into a cave? He went into a cave underwater, like what the fuck are we supposed to do? And that's somebody's goddamn job, they gotta go down and fish, you going down there, no one you're gonna see a dead body When they find them, I guess they always have this goofy smile on their face, cause the last thing is your body releases I don't, all this dopamine or some shit, I sound like Joe Rogan right now, except I don't know what I'm talking about

Dopamine and one of those drugs that those fucking ravers take releases that shit And they feel this level of euphoria, like the end of your life level of euphoria And then the next day they're just eating like a bowl of apple jacks and they're just burst out in tears Cause it's so fucking depressing, cause they fucked up, they already know what it feels like to die Which evidently, after you go through the horror underwater I guess it's a nice experience You're like, hey man, that wasn't that bad Let's try to take some out of my fucking mind, I know it

Where we got 44 minutes, 44 fucking minutes Oh Jesus, I used to go down here and I used to do hot 97 You know, back in the day when everything was fucking crazy Like three times a year rappers would seem to have like a gun battle in the fucking lobby And I would go down there whenever I was doing, whenever I was doing carolines You know, and I used to headline carolines on like a Tuesday night and they would, Louis Ferranda He used to have to pull the fucking curtain, you know So it wouldn't look bad

And I was doing talents rooms And so I was doing the white and the black rooms So I used to come down here and I used to try to get some people that maybe saw me open for talent Or Drew Frazier, or fucking Gerald Kelly, the New York Kings Rob Stapleton, all of them, I used to do their rooms One of the most fun times in my career that I had was doing that stuff Nobody knew who the fuck I was, I had to go on stage You know, expect now people come out, they know who I am, so then it's like

I have to work to lose them But back then I actually had to fucking earn it and, you know, believe me I look back on those days fondly, but I don't miss not selling tickets So whatever I come back here, I always think about all of those gigs Capone used to have this room, Nels, on 14th Street It was the greatest fucking bar, but it was such a hard room for me That one in La Barbat, talent had that one And that one, that fucking room, every time I went there, it was like, I bombed

Next time I killed, I bombed, I killed, and I could never figure that room out It was like an after-work party And I just would go up there white as hell, and it just, either they, you know You had basically in the black rooms, you have your opening joke, and then that's it Black people have, they're very much like Sicilians, where it's like, you're dead to them You fuck up once, that's it, you're dead to me, over This relationship is done, and there's no repairing it Which is why it's amazing, what's her face, the Fuji chick there

Started to get booed on the Apollo, and then fucking turned it around The hell's her goddamn name You know, amazing voice, cute as hell, four hours late to her shows Lauren Hill, Lauren Hill Whenever I hear the Fuji music, that reminds me when I first moved down here That and Wu Tang Clan, 36 chambers And what else was I listening to back then? I don't know, okay, now if this guy's driving like a fucking maniac, I think he's sick of my podcast here

How far away are we? Another five minutes, sir You know they're freaking out, man Oh, I'm sure We're going to a hotel first, right? Yeah, I look like I just came from Saskatchewan They're gonna take pictures, so I can't be looking like that I gotta look like, at least bathed today

Oh dude, I had a fucking 6.30 AM flight today Nothing puts me in a goddamn mood My show didn't get done till 12, and of course I had to go out and have a couple of pops to celebrate the end of the tour I want to thank everybody, seriously, who came out in Winnipeg Everybody that came out in... Saskatoon, sorry about the popping on the peas here And everybody that came out, Regina, I had a great time I'm definitely, those three cities are now part of my tours

Now I feel I can go right across the whole southern part So I was telling people, the next thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna do Alaska Over the yellow knife and some other ones Jesus Christ, fucking 9 foot lady with no clothes on You see that? She had her ass hanging out of the bottom of her fucking dress Looks like a sand trap, so many fucking divots in it Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry

Not to damn many prizes, are we stopping to get gas? No, we're trying to make a left This car is broken Yeah, let's go, let's go We get behind the one polite cab driver in the fucking city here Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right Why are these people wearing scars? It's not even cold out Absolutely not

Absolutely not, exactly You mean a left? We're going left here That idiot That idiot, yeah I like you, you're like me, you just shit on everybody you're driving They're morons, right? They don't even Especially on Sunday, you got, it's like Jurassic Park All the dinosaur comes out, you know what I'm telling you

Forgive me Forgive me for what? I love what you're saying, trash more of them, making more entertaining It makes me feel more normal, because that's all I do Don't you think part of it is because we feel like, you know, they don't know what we're doing We're too wrapped up in ourselves, or do you think they're morons? When you're right, and under 99 people is wrong, they make you weird, right? There you go, yeah, that makes you right, I love it Oh, look at that, Bill's bar and burger

Oh, and there's some flyer fan in there with a Claude Giroux, Claude Giroux, whatever you say his fucking name Oh, okay, right here, alright dude, I'm gonna jump out and I'm gonna I'll be around I'm just gonna, I'm gonna, I'll be, I'll be back down and like I'll be circling, because I don't think there's a place for me You have to circle? I think you got my phone number, right? I just, I think I texted you Did you text me?

Yeah, call me now, so then I got it Okay, cool Alright, you know what, I'm gonna call these people, and I'll let them know that I'm coming over I don't know, what the fuck do I have to be an hour early for a goddamn podcast? Am I gonna warm up my voice? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck shit, right? So your phone ringing? It's my phone ringing

Is that you? No, that's not me, somebody's saying hello, unless we're in that fucking movie with the guy from Beretta You ever see that movie? Which part is it? The guy who killed somebody, or maybe killed somebody, got out of jail, he played Beretta Remember they called him? The guy who did like Twin Peaks or something Twin Peaks, oh

Twin Peaks, oh Come on, you know that Mulholland drive What's the, what's the, remember that guy from Beretta? Don't go to bed with the press on your head No Don't do it Hey, why don't you just give me your phone and I'll do it I'll call you, I'm not 3-1-0

Don't say my number here, no, it's not 3-1-0, come here Just give me the goddamn It's quicker Why do you have one glove on? No, I'm driving Unless you're driving glove? I'm driving most of it Oh, I'm right with Michael Jackson, I love it

Yeah, too bad, you got framed You got framed, you know something I actually think he did too You know what, yeah, you can't fucking molest a bunch of white kids Even if you became white Yeah, and get off on it twice No, no But California couldn't, they couldn't nail down OJ, right? No, they just want to

Burn his reputation, that's all They just want him to do it Alright, having said that, would you leave, would you, would you If you had a kid, I don't know if you have kids You wouldn't leave him with Michael though, right? Now his older is okay Now they're older because they could fight him off So you know what, I'm going to park on that side

So you can feel free to take all your time, I'll be right here He just pull up to your house Right, stomping his foot and then your fucking kid's going to go up Alright, I got a hip pause on this I'll do the last 8 minutes later Do I need the what? Oh yeah, that's where my show clothes are in Alright, let me help you out

Yeah, there's like regular clothes and then there's headlining clothes I got to get on my headlining I got it Okay, alright Okay, I'll talk to you guys in a minute Alright, I'm back I'm back Oh, freckled fucko is back here

I did all my press that I had to do I want to thank everybody over at Vulture Fest Everybody treated me great I had a fun time going back and forth One of the women over there was giving me shit About how bad the Celtics were playing And you know, and I was just agreeing with her And then she just kept trying to do a dig on the Celtics

And I go, you know, I really don't appreciate your little passive aggressive comments on the Celtics I'm admitting that you're kicking her ass And then she laughed going, ah, you caught that So I go, you know, what part of Ohio are you from? I mean, she goes, oh, I'm not from Ohio? I go, wait a minute, you know, from Ohio, how are you a Cavaliers fan? She goes, I'm a LeBron fan And I'm like, get the fuck out of here

She goes, yeah, no, I was a fan of his when he went down to Miami And I'm a fan now that he's gone back to Cleveland It's just like, you know, I found out she's from Washington, DC I'm like, you're a fucking Wizards fan She goes, ew, I don't want to do that It's just, you know what, I actually respect it on some level I think that she's a, you know, if, I guess you, if they're all going to be free agents and piling on with each other Then you might as well be like a free agent fan

Then it doesn't fucking matter, right? I don't know, I don't know what, I'm just joking around We had a great time giving each other shit And then I got to sit down, they, it was pretty cool They actually showed the first episode of season two And from what I heard, people really liked it I, of course, was not in the room I didn't want to deal with that

And, um, and then we went and we did a, uh, I went in I did the interview in front of the crowd that just saw it And, uh, handed out some free t-shirts We had these, these condoms made up Ephesus family condoms and stuff, handed them out Uh, people like those took some pictures afterwards It was a great interview, you know, just great questions and that type of thing It was a lot of fun and, uh, knocked it out

So, oh, Billy boy is going to be hitting the fucking hotel by here soon How much time I got left here? Oh, I got to knock out another fucking five minutes I might do it tomorrow morning Maybe I'll do that, you know, because it doesn't make a difference Because you guys, I got to watch the Celtics, man How much are they down by? All right, watch

I don't know how to turn on the TV anymore Watch now, yes, that's what I want to do I want to watch now I want to watch now You want to watch? No, I want to watch TV Setting the world on fire How much are we down by? Kelly Olenek for the love of God

Pretend it's fourth quarter game seven Whatever the fuck it is you have to do All right, come on All right, this is football You guys really going to listen to me channel surf This shit I'm going to watch the goddamn game Do it live, commentate it live

I'm not doing that Someone just said they're watching these people getting the fucking shit kicked out of them Isaiah's out I mean, we could potentially We could lose by 40 Oh my god All of a sudden, just having the number one draft pick just seems a lot different I knew all these fucking people going like

I'll tell you right now, the Celtics are only a player away I was at least smart enough to say it We're more like a player and a half away Meaning we needed two players Remember a few months ago What they were trying to suggest If we got Carmelo Anthony Like we'd have a legitimate shot

To take out fucking I almost said the LeBron James The Cavaliers, but that's really what it is I don't think we do listen I'm going to watch this game This podcast is going to be like I owe you three minutes I really don't because I've done a bunch that are over an hour But I got to upload this shit

I got an early flight because I got to go out And get back to my wife and daughter That's it, thank you guys for listening And please tell everybody on May 30th that F is for family Is coming out And I'm going to be doing a bunch of press So I apologize if you see my stupid face a little bit too much out there I have to do it

I got to put on the monkey hat The little fucking You know, do my little fucking dance And over the next couple of weeks But, you know, I'm going to be trying to I don't know, I'll be trying to let you guys know Where I'm going to be at if you give a shit Alright, that's it, go fuck yourselves

And I'll check in on you On Thursday Yeah, top