Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-16

Episode Date: May 23, 2016

Bill rambles about dirty people, cameras in cars and military shows.

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Once again, I got computer issues here that I got to get fixed when I get back to Los Angeles. I am in Seattle. Seattle, Washington right now, which I got to tell you, man. If you come to Seattle in May or June when the sun is out, it's like, you'll want to live here. It really is one of the most beautiful cities in the United States. You can just deal with overcast skies from like October through April. And these people pay the price, but when the sun comes out, it's fucking unbelievable. So I'm here with Nate Craig, who's been crushing at this whole fucking tour.

And we just went out to get some eats, like a couple of tourists. We go, you want to go down to the fishermen place where they're throwing the fish and everything? So we're like, yeah, so we start walking down there. And of course, it's mobbed. And I say to him, I go, you realize that nobody from Seattle fucking goes down here, you know, unless they're on like a first date or, you know, your dad and mom are taking you down there to go see it. But I would think that you would avoid it. So we didn't go all the way down and we just kind of kept walking.

We got a little bit, you know, we walked along that main drag. We just got a little bit away from it. And after waiting into that sea of fucking humanity, I was literally like, dude, I will eat mediocre food if I don't have to stand in a line that can actually sit down like a human being. I know the food is good, but I just don't understand. You're standing in like a fucking bread line, like it's the middle of a war or some shit. All right, you live in the United States of America. We don't stand in fucking line for food.

We want all our fat asses up. You just hand it to me. So I'm not going to name the place, but I went to this place. It was halfway, the bread fucking stunk. You know what I mean? How do you make fucking king crab only taste okay? You know how you have shitty bread. Other than that, it was definitely a good time and such a beautiful city.

Despite all the dirty white people up here, there's a major fucking, you know, I want to avoid using the word grunge. I think that was just a nice way to just fucking, there is some dirty fucking white people up here. I don't understand it. Just there in Denver, those are the two filthiest white people that actually have money. Like you have too much money to be that filthy. Like when you go to Denver, those fucking dreadlocked like man sandal wearing, like always looking like you just got off a fucking, one of those blow up tubes, you know,

smoking your fucking weed, whatever the whatever they're doing out there, you know, hairy arm print type of shit. Worse than San Francisco. I don't mind any of those styles if you if you bathe. It's 2016 Jesus Christ. Up here, it's like they're like, this is probably just me being an old man. I can't honestly say none of them smelled, but they just they look like, you know, you wouldn't want to borrow anything that they used.

Why am I starting off this mean I started off so nice. I was saying how beautiful it is. It's such a the layout of the city is fucking perfect. And they even with their new stadiums that they made like I actually am old school as far as I loved it back when they just had the king dome, you know, and they had that great like this Seattle Super Sonics had like, you know, the skyline. I know that they had the space needle. I believe they had the king dome there unless it was supposed to be key arena. I have no idea.

But those two arenas were and are two of the coolest places ever. I saw Seattle Super Sonics game there the last year they were there and it was Kevin Durant's first year somewhere. I don't know. I have a picture of him in the Seattle Seahawks, Seattle Seahawks, Seattle Super, Seattle Sonics, I should say, uniform. And then back in the day when I was just doing college gigs, traveling the road by myself, driving a Chrysler, Chrysler K. I went to a game Seattle Mariners game at the kingdom and Ken Griffey Jr. was still on the team. It's how long ago it was.

This was like the late 90s, possibly early 2000s. I forget when he went to the Reds, but I deliberately I bought us one single center field seat and I got almost at the front row. I think I was the second row. And this is some sports fan geek shit. I sat there because not only did I want to watch Griffey play, but I also wanted to like every night on Sports Center whenever they showed a game at the kingdom and somebody hit a home run. It was like this weird little runway like Isleway and you'd see people chasing after the ball. And I wanted the opportunity to do that, which I did all by myself.

I didn't get the fucking ball and so whatever. But having said all that, if you ever visit Seattle in May or June and it's all sunny and you're like, oh my God, I could live here. Make sure you come back in like January or December or something. One of those fucking, you know, I understand Kurt Cobain now one of those months. But anyways, we're we're performing there tonight. I'm recording this podcast Sunday afternoon because I got to get back and go back to the writer's room working on episode five. Everybody five out of number 10. And once we get this one done, it's all downhill from there.

Really excited about this episode and I don't know. I'm hoping you guys are going to like it. But anyways, so big thank you to everybody who came out to Edmonton last night and who went out to Calgary. Calgary might have been the best sound I've ever heard at a show. I was standing backstage and Nate Craig was on stage. I mean, the backstage here and usually in most venues, when you're standing to the side of the stage, you can barely understand the person just the way the sound is bouncing around. I'm sure it's fine in the house, but like, you know, so many times I'll be with Bartnick or Verzi or something. They'll literally just be like, dude, you hear that new bit.

The bit I did about blah, blah, blah. I was like, you know, I was trying to, but I couldn't quite hear it because of the sound. I was standing almost like directly behind and behind a curtain where Nate was on stage and I could hear the guy absolutely perfectly. And it was just, I was fucking awesome. It was just a great gig, both of the gigs. And then the next day, you know, we got up, we drove up to Edmonton, which believe it or not, I've done that drive like three times and just beautiful, beautiful fucking country up in Canada. Absolutely gorgeous.

I would go out of my fucking mind. I think if I did the road enough, though, if I just flew to other places, then I could come back. That's how I really view all these places, you know, that are considered the middle of nowhere. They're like these paradises, but I think I would lose my mind if all I did was live out there. Like I understand the people when they come up to you, they're like, oh my God, I want to get out of here. You know, this is the middle of fucking nowhere. And I'm always, you know, coming from LA where everybody's living on top of each other and we have no water and shit. I'm like, dude, you are living in the Garden of Eden.

Okay, this is as good as it gets as far as natural resources for seasons and that type of shit. Although what's called as fuck when we were up there is for May anyways. I mean, the last night in Edmonton, it was actually sleeting. Fucking crazy. But we ended up driving obviously up to Edmonton and that night at the gig. This might have been the weirdest fucking venue I've played in a long time. It was essential. I took a picture of it.

It was essentially a giant tent that had a little bit of an upper deck in the back and there was no carpeting. Like behind me, they didn't, they had all this fucking equipment for the lights and everything and they usually they dress it up. They put a curtain there so people don't have to look at it, but they didn't. It was like this giant eye sore behind me and I was standing on like this concrete slab that had no carpeting, no nothing. The floor was all concrete. They just had chairs, the sides of the walls. I didn't know what they were made of. All I know was I was on stage.

I was screaming in a giant garage. It seemed loud to me, but I couldn't tell if it was loud. I didn't see anybody complaining. My ears are kind of ringing today and I got a couple of tweets people were saying like, dude, you sounded like you were yelling into a megaphone, into a microphone. So my apologies. I wish somebody had mentioned something on one of the shows. I would have toned it down, but sometimes when you're up there, you can't hear yourself. I ended up, I sent a picture to Nia and I should have had the message she sent me, the text that she sent me.

She said, that looks like a venue where one of those fake televangelists, you know, have plants in the crowd and they go to like cure them and shit. And I'll post a picture of it. And as always, I always say, I'll fucking do it. Then I never do, but I'll try to do it this time. You know what? Whatever. If you follow the MMP on fucking on Twitter, maybe it'll be up there. I have no idea.

But before I go any further, I forgot to mention the all things comedy network is really doing well because I'm a terrible businessman. I never bring it up, but we've got some people to invest in it. We're going to start creating some more content and that type of stuff and, you know, really try to join forces with other comics and hopefully make some comics and money off of that thing and get you guys some good comedy. Everybody works. We keep the big fuckos out of the way, you know, or very least, you know, keeping from taking the rights of everybody's fucking shows, you know, that always seems to be like the business plan. Like, okay, yeah, we'll invest. All right, we own everything. It doesn't work for us.

You go fuck yourself. We'll sleep in bed and make mailbox money and you'll be on the road when you're 90. Sound good? No, it doesn't. Well, it's going to be good exposure. That's what they always say. Any young comics out there, anytime anybody tries to pay you an exposure, anytime they say it's good exposure, that means you're getting fucked. All right.

Also this Thursday, I'm doing a charity show. This Thursday, 8 p.m. at the comedy store, 100% of the money goes towards helping children who are fighting cancer to have as normal of childhood as possible while they're going through the treatment and all that. The tickets are available at the comedy store after the show. We'll put up a link for anyone who can't make it if they want to donate. Steve Simone puts the thing together and he's been doing great things. He's been having comics go to hospitals and stuff like that. This is a charity that I can get behind, which brings me back to the mysterious red nose campaign. So a bunch of people were looking into that, found it very vague, and now I guess it helps out poor children.

That's why you have the clown noses, which is hilarious to me because I think it's pretty much mainstream knowledge that clowns kind of scare the shit out of most children and a lot of adults. I just don't understand why you got to have the stupid clown nose. What are you going to do with that fucking thing other than just throw it out and it's going to be, you know, it's going to end up in the fucking ocean and then back in the fish that you eat. It's so fucking dumb. Like it's not enough to just say, listen, we are helping out poor children. Do people still say, nah, I don't want to do that. You got to be like, well, what if we give you a little red nosey nose? You're like, okay, that sounds like a good idea.

That's such like a fucking, I don't know, I think it's like a hacky charity thing. It all started with the, I think it was the AIDS ribbon was the first thing. Or was it the quilt and then came the Lance Armstrong, Livestrong things, right? And I don't know, somewhere in there was the superfinger. I have no fucking, I don't pretend to know these things. Anyways, where the hell am I? This fucking new thing is driving me nuts. I'm so used to not having to look at these fucking, this garage band shit.

Oh, here's a nice creepy thing. It's really not a nice creepy thing. It's just sort of a fucking creepy thing. So we rented this car when we drove up from Calgary to, drove up to Edmonton from Calgary. And we had the thing, actually we picked it up at the airport. And yeah, we were driving over to the casino. That's what it was, driving over to the casino. And I find, I just look on the dashboard, I'm like, what the fuck is that?

What is that on the, I'm like, is that a camera? I think it was a camera. And I think it was pointed at us because there was nothing in the front. I don't know if it was the GPS antenna. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it was really creepy. So I, of course, threw a fucking newspaper over the goddamn thing. And when I got back to the hotel, I looked up about cars and cameras. And I found this article here.

It says, is your rental car company spying on you and you're driving? Here's how they do it. All right. Rental car giant Hertz has admitted it is, it has cameras installed in about one in eight of its cars in the United States. But those cameras built into Hertz's never lost dashboard assistant that offers routing help and local city guides have never been turned on. Give me a fucking, really? You spend all that money and you never turn them on? You lion cunts.

Hertz has said loudly and repeatedly they've never turned them on. Understand that never lost. Six was launched by Hertz in early 2014. The product has been out there for over a year and only now is it causing flap probably because most wrenches began noticing a creepy camera pointed at them. Understand, too, there are excellent reasons to worry about car rental companies spying on drivers, but very probably never lost. Six is not one of them. Hertz said it lacked the bandwidth to use the cameras anyway, but it's scorched so severely in the media flap of the past week said industry experts indicated that Hertz now would be just about the last company to spy on its customers. Does any of that make any sense that you put a camera in there and then you wouldn't use it?

You'd install a camera and oh, we're just a little mom and pop place. We don't have the fucking bandwidth for it. Some of this shit's funny. They actually find some people like hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars using this shit. And basically, you know, when you rent a car and they go, okay, you got to stay in the tri-state area or you're not leaving California, right? Some fucking guy, he ended up, he left California, went to Nevada and then Arizona and then they gave him a, I don't know where the fuck it was. He was slapped with a bill of $3,405.05 by adding $1 per mile to each of the 28, 74 miles he had driven because he had crossed the California state line into Nevada. To me, that's funny, okay?

Because that guy's a piece of shit. He lied to the car company, all right? I'm not just saying Hertz is a piece of shit. People who buy rental cars and they treat them like shit are also pieces of shit. But to sit there and film people and then, you know, they're going to start recording conversations. You want to stand like in the future, okay? You go to run for president. Like, what could bring you down is some fucked up thing you said, some argument you had in the car with some girlfriend you're not even with 20 years earlier. And they just bring that up in the middle of the debate.

Like, I think in the future, once you become a public figure, they will just have on a disk, you know, and it's all going to be logged. Anything you ever fucking did, like questionable shit, good shit that you did, all the balance, you know, they'll probably just have like a pie chart. Okay, here's his life disk, you know, and the good stuff is in whatever green or yellow man, right? All the nice friendly fucking colors. And then the bad shit will be all in like red. I don't know if you're prone to depression, there'll be like some blue in there. You just look at the big pie chart and try to judge it then overall what kind of a fucking person you are. It's just, I don't know, it's really creepy.

This is another one that was funny to me. It says in Florida, rental car companies are notorious for literally shutting off engines of cars that cross straight state lines. The cars may be restarted upon agreement to pay the new fees. That's fucking hilarious. Here is my question. How do you know they're not in the left lane doing 90 miles an hour with somebody on that bumper and you're just going to shut off their car? You have to wait until the car stops. I would like to think that.

But I don't know, part of me, I don't mind if they track you with the GPS as far as that and if you leave the state lines. I mean, that's only fair. You're fucking lying to them and the technology exists. But that shit to start recording conversations and videotaping you is like, I don't know, man, that really crosses a line. I don't know. Some people say, well, what about all these assholes texting and driving? They're killing people and that type of shit. There has to be a better way.

What do you guys think? There's got to be a better way to keep. I mean, I mean, how safe you have to make the world. I mean, there's too many fucking people. Can you let some people die? I mean, I know that's really morbid to say that shit, but I don't know. I'm kind of a fucked up person. So why would you listen to me?

Why would you listen to this podcast? Oh, I know. You're on your way to work. You're at the gym. Whatever the fuck you're doing. So let's, what should we do? Oh, man, I had a really bad, a bad little social faux pas. After the Calgary thing, I was walking over to the hotel and I was trying to get into

the elevator because I was in the lobby. Sometimes you go through the lobby, you know, people want pictures and shit like that, which is cool, but daddy wants to drink. So I was trying to get through there as fast as I could. And one of the guys, you know, was at the, you know, one of the guys who worked there sort of, you know, this elevator door opened and I fucking, he just sort of told me to come in and I just stepped in front of these people and walked on me and Nate and the promoter and the doors closed.

And as we were going up, Nate goes, um, did we just step in front of a woman in a wheelchair waiting for an elevator? And then it dawned on me because I did see her, but I was in such a selfish moment of I don't want to take any, you know, pictures or anything. I just want to get back down because the bar was closing. That's right. And, you know, we had a great night and there's nothing better after a show. You're all fucking amped up from the excitement of doing it.

And it went well that you can't just go back to your hotel room and go to sleep. You want to sit down, shoot the shit or whatever. So we will, that's right. We were making a mad dash to get down to the bar before it closed. Now that's a lie. They were actually keeping it open for us. There was really no reason for me to do it other than my own selfish things. I didn't feel like taking a picture.

So I ran in there and, um, that has been bugging me for the last 48 fucking hours. Nate heard her say something sad of like, said something, well, I guess we're not getting on this one. You know, classic polite Canadian. So I don't know, what a fucking reason if you're the person pushing the person in the wheelchair. My apologies. No freckles was a selfish cunt there.

I'm literally getting embarrassed telling the story right now, but that legitimately happened. And it was me. I don't know if my rental car company has video or audio of it, you know, I'm getting out in front of the stories. What I'm doing. All right. Enough of that big brother shit.

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All right, let me get rid of all of this fucking copy here, so I can get onto the questions and all of that shit. By the way, did anybody watch Game Fool of the St. Louis Louis meet me at the fair? They gave the fucking shucks. You all right there, Fred? I'm not going to lie to you, as a complete bandwagon fan. This is one of the biggest examples of bandwagon fan shit you'll ever see is me becoming a blues fan. You know, just picking a team, right?

After they lost Game 2 and Game 3 and how great the sharks look, I was just like, I was talking to my buddy going like, these guys look like they're dialed in. I think the sharks are going to win the whole fucking thing. And this has just been such a weird series. Like Game 2, 3, and 4, you know, like sharks dominated 2 and 3, and then it's like they didn't even fucking show, and it's like the blues didn't even show up,

Games 2 and 3, and I'm thinking like, ah, the sharks got them figured out. They're going to make quick work of them. And then the blues show up. Last night it was like fucking Game 2 and 3 never happened, so I can't figure it out. Somebody on Twitter sent me something saying these games have sucked because they've been so one-sided.

And I wouldn't argue. I wouldn't argue that. They haven't been actually the most compelling games. They've just been like 3 out of 4 games. They've just been a little fucking kicked to the balls there. So we'll see. We'll see. I used to have no fucking clue anymore.

I thought after 2 and 3 I was like, not only are the sharks going to beat the blues, they're going to win the whole fucking thing because I'm not impressed with the, I mean I like the lightning, but they lost their fucking goaltender, and I thought that they were done. I thought they were fucking done, and now all of a sudden, you know,

all the fucking penguins won 2 in a row, and then fucking tampocans. Oh, Jesus. They're both 2 to 2. I swear to God, if I didn't know better that fucking piece of shit, David Stern is running the goddamn NHL right now. It seems like he wants both of the series to go 7 games. Everybody makes their fucking money, right?

They would never do something like that. What are they, the NFL? Oh, Jesus, I'm being such a cunt. Such a goddamn cunt. And I'm sort of paying attention to the basketball. I don't have time, and I was really hoping that the Cleveland Cavaliers were going to go 16-0 and win a title on two different levels.

One, Cleveland would win a title, and all those sad sack Cleveland fans could quit with their stupid basset hound faces. You know what I mean? Cleveland fans are so fucking sad, and so many people just don't even give a shit. I mean, they just have the loneliest look on their face. At least when Boston couldn't win a World Series,

New York had the decency to give a fuck enough to trash us, which was always funny to me when you really thought about it. It's like, why are you wasting your time? They were like Walmart getting mad at the one mom-and-pop store up the fucking street, because we were also trying to sell rakes, right? Like, why do you give a shit? But no one cares about it.

I don't know, Ohio. It's amazing the amount of musicians, fighters, football coaches, entertainers. The list of famous people from Ohio might be the most impressive out of all the 50 states, and they don't get any respect, but you go out there, it's just, I don't know, it's just kind of boring.

It's a boring ass state to fucking drive through. I don't know, but they're nice people, but I don't know if I have sympathy for Cleveland fans, as much as they love Cleveland, it's like, yeah, well, why don't you live there? Nobody lives there. It's like a fucking ghost town. I guess gradually it's coming back.

You know, who gives a fuck? I just like shitin' on people. Anyway, so I wanted to see them go 16-0, because it would be great to see LeBron come back, you know, after all the Cleveland fans were burnin' at his jersey when he left. You know, I always, that is just the stupidest fucking thing ever. Just to go out and burn somebody's jersey

as the news cameras are filming you. It's like, how fucking old are you? Are you really this emotionally invested in your fucking team? I mean, I love sports as much as anybody. I remember when, what's his face left? Ray Allen went to the heat, and all these Celtics fans were mad.

It's like, dude, that's how we got him. You know, he started with the box, and then he, once there's somebody, a player's a free agent, don't ever give your heart to the person. I'm telling you. You can't go 100% in, because they got that fucking,

they got that wander and I. Sometimes they stay like big poppy, but most of the times, you know, they come, they come through town. They pile on the team. They win a championship. They start acting like their fucking Magic Johnson in the Lakers or some shit.

Larry Bird, you know, when they're really just, you know, they're window shopping throughout the fucking league. But anyways, one of the cool things, if they actually went 16-0, it would be so fucked up that the Golden State Warriors, right, I'm assuming they make it to the finals,

would go 73-9, beating the 96 Bulls and having the greatest regular season of all time, and then losing the championship game. To me, would have been, you know, it's like the fucking 2008 Patriots. It's like they went 16-0, and like, I don't, nobody gives a fuck.

Nobody's ever gonna give a fuck about that, because all 16-0 does is, well, they would say, the next thing is, did they run the table? No. And then they lost the last one. You know, something, actually having lived through that,

why would I root for that Golden State? I don't know. You notice there's something about LeBron that I actually feel bad about the guy. I feel bad for the guy. I don't know what it is. You know? He never seems to be on strong footing with the crowd.

They always seem to somehow not like the guy. And he's out there like Superman every night. Who's kidding? No, he brought it on. His agent brought it on him with that stupid fucking press conference. You know? Doing his whole fucking life story.

And then he just, I decided to take my talents to South Beach. He didn't even say Miami. That was one of the worst worded fucking statements ever. I've decided to take my talents to South Beach. It's like you're going to leave these pound puppy looking sad sacks in Cleveland, freezing their fucking balls off.

You're going to talk about your talent, and then you're telling them that you're going to the beach. You know what? I don't feel bad for him. I don't know. I really like LeBron. So I would like to see LeBron win one in Cleveland. It's great.

He gets it for the city. But when he does win it, if he does, I will really miss seeing those sad sack Cleveland fans. They're just funny to me. I don't know what it is about him. I don't feel bad for him. And when they complain, I just laugh. I usually have empathy.

It's just something about him I don't. It's like Cubs fans, some of them out there are still mad at me for that time when I said the White Sox fans were real fans. And I was just taking a stab in the dark. I was just fucking around, because this guy was talking about

when the Bears beat the fuck out of the Patriots in the Super Bowl. So I just did the oldest trick in the book. I just went divide and conquer. And I just said that White Sox fans were better than Cubs fans. And it worked. You know what I mean?

Years later, somebody's going, you know, they're in first place, but they have the fucking one of the worst attendances in the league. It's like, oh whatever. Just go to your stupid game and take your fucking shirt off and get the big chill. Anyways,

the Cubs actually win it. That's the Theo Epstein fucking saga. You know what I mean? Like what happened to the Red Sox after 2004 was then all of a sudden, it was like, you know when your favorite band is just, you know, moving up the ladder, right? They're like, gradually, you know,

they're playing clubs, local areas, and they start going a little national, and they play bigger, and then they get all the way up to their best selling album ever. And what always happens when a band that's been together for fucking 10 years, they make it to the mountaintop, what happens?

The whole thing implodes. Everybody goes their separate ways. Next thing you know, fucking David Lee Roth is singing just a jiggaloo, right? And Van Halen is singing about dreams with the fucking Blue Angels. Whatever happened. I don't remember. I tried to block it out.

That fucking crushed me when they broke up. He was the perfect frontman for that fucking band. I love Sammy Hager and everything, but come on. Anyways, you guys are gonna kill me, but I completely forget what I was fucking talking about. What the fuck was my point? I literally have to sway me, scroll back up.

What the fuck was I just talking about? Oh, Theo Epstein. Jesus Christ. Theo Epstein, after like 2004, I think everybody wanted the credit. I think the fucking ownership was like, no, we're the reason the 86 years curse ended. And Theo was like, oh, what about me? And then there was that weird thing where he kind of went,

he like left for like a week. And I remember thinking like, fuck. Why couldn't they just get along? Here we go again. And then he came back. And then I don't know, when everything imploded, whenever the fuck it did, he ends up leaving. He goes to the Cubs. I thought he left then decided to stay for a couple of years.

I might be wrong, but he went with the Cubs. And I think that that was his ego thing. And then the Red Sox won at 07. And in 2013, I believe. And that was our fuck you, Theo. We can do it without you. So now I think for his ego, he's trying to become the guy who ended the curse to the babe

and the curse to the goat. And if he does that, I mean, you'd have to say he's one of the greatest whatever the fuck his position is. See that GM, I don't know what he is. Curse of the goat is so fucking stupid. You know what I mean? Get your livestock off of the fucking field. You know?

Curse of the Babe was dumb enough. It's just like now we made a bad fucking move. We're not a good franchise. And we weren't a good franchise. We didn't make good decisions. The Yockeys, God bless them, did not make good decisions. The guy was a major fucking racist and just refused until the last, I think we were the last team

to finally admit, you know, I guess people from other races are worthy of looking at. And by then we, even then, I mean, we suck when it was just all white people. I mean, I don't know what are you going to do? So anyways, let's read some of the other questions here. I know I'm babbling this week. This is, I'm a little outside of my comfort zone.

I thought the microphone and the fucking headset. So this will all be fixed by Thursday. Okay, vinyl. Hey, Billy, I was at your Madison Square Garden show and I seem to remember you mentioning releasing it on vinyl. Is that still happening? Interesting, you should say that. I have the audio and I'm going through pictures right now.

And I am telling you right now, I am going for big air on this one. I am releasing the entire fucking show. I'm not editing anything out. I was happy from the second I got on to the second I left. It was one of the greatest nights of my stand-up life. I'm so happy that I have an audio recording of it. Cory Angelo, one of the greatest photographers I've met in this business.

The greatest, I should say. He took all the pictures and if I do this right, it's going to be a sick ass fucking record. And I'm very excited to do it. I just have to do it the right way. What happens is, if you want to get into the bullshit of the business, and this happened with the one that I did at Carnegie Hall,

what happens is when you put out a stand-up special, you get in business with somebody like Comedy Central or Netflix or HBO or whatever, usually built into the contract is that you won't release any similar material that's on the special for a specific period of time. And I'm probably going to do another special in November, which I did Madison Square Garden November of last year. So there's going to be enough overlap where I'm going to have to wait. I believe I'll have to wait a little bit.

I'll try to get around that because I haven't negotiated yet. It would be nice if I could get around and be like, look, it's vinyl. It's for fucking total comedy nerds. This isn't going to really... But then of course you cons end up uploading it because everything has to be fucking uploaded and then be free. I'm going to lose my fucking shirt on this, but I don't give a shit because I know there's people out there that appreciate the vinyl and that type of stuff.

And it's a really cool fucking thing to have. And oh man, I'm going to spend some money on this. I'm really going to spend some money on this. I really want to do this as first fucking class as I can. And I was actually talking to somebody about it the other night, somebody who makes records and he was showing me some of the shit that he's done. And I was really impressed. So I'm literally getting excited talking about it.

So that's definitely happening. When I can actually release the fucking thing is a completely different story. So, all right, basic training. Billy Bloom. You mentioned in a throwback clip that you would only perform for the troops in the Middle East if you went through basic training and was taught how to kill a man. Well, at least how to shoot a fucking gun. That's like my fear.

I'm going into a fucking war zone and God forbid it gets overrun by a bunch of lunatics. And my bodyguard takes one for me and he's laying on the ground and there's his weapon. And I'm like, I don't know how to work this. Standing there like Bob Hope with a fucking putter. You know, I just, you know, I know and they always say this shit too. We've never lost anyone in all the wars that we fought. We've never lost anyone. It's just like, dude, that's just like saying like, you know what?

My car is running great. You don't say shit like that. He said it was wondering if, if that's as true as it was when you said it in 2008, I believe you're in better shape these days. And perhaps so is the Middle East. Love you. Love me. No, yeah, I think at this point, you know, look, dude, when I saw over there, like when I was first thinking that that was back, you know, when shit was really bad and like contractors, you know, would had a rock in their shoe and they would stop for half a second to get it out. And then they just disappeared. And then the next thing, you know, they're getting their heads sought off.

You know, I mean, what a fucking way to go. I mean, Jesus Christ. You know what I mean? And I've also, one sort of thing, I've one of the reasons why I've been any success that I've had in life is I've always understood what I suck at. Okay. And I know I am not a Marine. You can give me the camouflage shit. You know, the dumb shit when people go out and go fucking do shows for the troops and they take pictures of you sitting in a jet or like in a fucking tank and you're wearing a helmet, you know, for half a second, your egos.

I could do this. No, you can't do that. It takes a special person to be able to do that. And I know that's not me. Actually, to really be honest with you, I wouldn't want to go through basic training because I am a fucking lunatic to begin with. And the last thing I need to do is dehumanize any more people in my fucked up brain. Yes, I am afraid of, you know, to go down that rabbit hole of how fucking how nuts am I? Okay.

I like to feel that I'm a mainstream psycho. You know, it's kind of like my drinking. Like, I know I drink way too much, but I have it under control, but I know a couple of circumstances. Well, I'm too, I'm too vain to drink myself to death, but I could, I could definitely, you know, I know enough not, I knew enough not to fuck with hard drugs because I saw what they did to, you know, like everybody. I think everybody in my country at this point, for, I hate to say it, at this point, you've lost somebody to that. I mean, I've lost two people, two friends of mine outside of comedy. And then obviously a number of comedians to that type of shit and both friends of mine and then comics that I was fans of and that type of shit. So I always knew not to fuck with that stuff.

But as far as going over there, yeah, I would definitely do that. I would definitely do something like that. But you know, when it was really fucking crazy over there and the comics were telling me that they had to do those military landings where you like it 38,000 feet in a minute later, you're on the ground. You know, I mean, it's scary enough landing in San Diego. I don't need somebody possibly shooting at me. Yeah, and I'm just being fucking honest, you know what I mean? So, but at this point, yeah, I wouldn't have a problem. Jesus, if I ever fucking go over there and something happens to me and they play this fucking audio, you know, they're going to do it and all those fucking things.

Yeah, you know, going to war is it's no that's the real deal. And I know I don't have that in me fucking go over there with a Hawaiian shirt. Hey, and that's something going over there with whoever the Marilyn Monroe is of the day. And she's got this thing and you know, happy birthday, Mr. General or whatever the fuck goes. I have no idea what happens on those shows. But I know like like fucking Artie Lang went to like Artie Lang went into this shit and like Afghanistan like fucking like crazy. You would never catch me doing that. That guy's got more balls than than I would ever have.

But yeah, I'll go to the big base that already has a best buy on it. I'll go to that one. Whatever military base over there that already has a monorail. I'll go to that one. Maybe like an orange Julius. I'll check that one out. But I would definitely do it without a doubt. All right.

Name dropping. Hey, Bill, I listen to the podcast every week, which means my wife does as well. Oh, Jesus, not another one of these. I know women hate me. Okay. I watched in the hotel today and this guy goes, I didn't know you were in town. I said, yeah, you know, I'm playing the theater down the street and he goes, he goes, oh, he goes, you know, I'm definitely going to go. He goes, you know, I'm going to go.

He goes, my girlfriend hates you, but I'm going to go. It's just like, I get it. I get it. I get it. I'm not going to change what the fuck I do. But I understand it. Here we go. All right.

So, okay, here it comes. How long before I get how, how much do I have to read before I find out that she hates me? All right. So this week you said you didn't want to write, you didn't want to name drop your friend's name in a band. This started my wife down a path of questioning and thought, I'll quote her. Who is Bill scared of? You would think he's still on a playground and waiting to get beat up if he acts out of order. He's Bill Burr, who's going to give him shit.

She has a good point. I totally understand why you do that, but you'd have to drop a dozen big names that didn't even matter. But what? But you have to drop a dozen big names that didn't even matter into a story every week for a year for anyone to think of you as a name dropper. You're the best. Come back to Rhode Island. You know why I don't do it? Because people who are in the public eye, there's like this sort of like, there's a, there's an unwritten fucking rule.

That when you're hanging out with them, you're hanging out with them and then it doesn't become a fucking podcast story. You don't fucking tweet about it. You know, you know, and you don't ask for a picture because that's what their life is. And I know people that have fucked that up. I got a buddy of mine. All right. He was golfing. And he got put in this foursome with one of his favorite actors.

And it turned out the actor was a fan of his and they were having a great fucking time. All right. Just shooting the shit, being normal. And in the end, the guy goes, yeah, that's great, man. I'd love to come out to a show. And instead of saying, all right, give me a number. I'll text you next time I'm in town. He goes, great.

He goes, is it, hey, is it, is it cool if I get a photo? And he said the guy's face just fucking dropped and was just like, yeah, man. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Let's do it. I don't want to do that. Look.

Like, I don't mind, you know, unless I'm trying to get to a bar before it closes, those are only the times that I bug if, you know, bothers me that somebody wants a picture. It's way better if somebody wants a picture than nobody gives a fuck. But I'm also at a cool level of just being known. I'm known enough that I can sell tickets on the road. But like, I can walk down the street. Nobody fucks with me, right? But those people that are at that other level, you know what I mean?

Where they can't leave the fucking house. You know, if you hang out with them, you don't go blabbing about it on a podcast. It's, to put it bluntly, it's really fucking tacky and it's not professional. And not to mention, you come off like a name drop and cunt. You know, I actually had somebody do that to me one time. I fucking annoyed the shit out of me. I'm not, you know, somebody, I was having this debate with somebody and then they ended up fucking writing something about it afterwards.

And it's like, oh, you know, I thought we were just a couple of comics hanging out. You know, I was just like, and just, I don't know, I just gross is all I thought. Like that was fucking gross because now I thought that, you know, we actually were talking human being to human being and now you're trying to get turned into something, you know, I don't know. It's gross. That's why I don't do it. All right.

All right. Wedding song. Dear Billy Cockring Bearer. Oh, Jesus. He's, I'm getting married this summer. And my fiance and I are trying to figure out songs for the wedding. You dig music. What would you and the lovely Mia, MIA, it's Nia with an N like Nancy.

The lovely Nia suggests for our entrance and first dance. We appreciate your insight. Oh my God. I can't write what the person just wrote. Jesus Christ. Easy with the homophobia there. He said, go fuck yourself. I don't fuck.

Dude, I listened to hair metal, man. You don't listen to me. You know, something from great white. How about white lion? One of those white bands because it was white snake, white lion and great white. Let's take when they had all the number bands, right? Mary three and four, three, 11, some 41. I don't know what the fuck they are.

All right. What song should you come on? I would think the song that both of you guys like. I have no idea. Your wedding starts. All right. You coming in? I don't know.

I'd say something from Lou Rawls. Lady love. You know, although he's kind of suggesting an open relationship a little bit if you really listen to it. Anyways, I don't fucking know. That's a weird one. I have no idea. I don't know what kind of music you're into. How about something from Cinderella?

Speaking of which, from my generation, I just found out the drummer from Megadeth died last night. Was it Nick Menza? Yeah, ex-Megadeth drummer Nick Menza collapses and dies on stage. 51 fucking years old. That's it. Was like three songs in. He was at that place, the baked potato, which I have never been to.

It's a legendary music venue. Like if you ever come out to LA and you want to go to a cool music venue and possibly see some huge fucking musician, just basically jamming with a bunch of people from other bands or studio musicians, that's the place to go to. I've never been. I don't know why. I just always end up being busy having to do a stand-up show. Fortunately, he died 52 years old, which is way too young in general. But when you're going to be 48 next month, it's pretty fucking scary.

Lay off the fucking chicken quesadillas. All right, here we go. French music recommendation. Hey, Guillaume Le Rouge. I know you're working on your French skills and you're always looking for music. So I thought I'd give you a twofer. Check out an artist's name. Stromayor.

That's how you say it, Stromayor. No. My God, I'm an idiot. Oh my God, I'm a fucking idiot. It's Stromay. And then it was Dash, You're Welcome. I thought that your was part of it. And it was Stromayor, but it's Stromay, You're Welcome.

Oh my God, what a fucking dope. Every time I think I find the bottom of my stupidity, there's a whole nother floor. Anyways, he's from Belgium and his stuff has a really diverse set of influences. But besides that, the music is amazing, even if you have no idea what the fuck he's saying. I'm not a native French speaker. Wait, he's from Belgium, but he sings in French? Anyways, he goes, but my family spent some time in Belgium when I was a kid. I've forgotten a lot of my French over the years and listening to this is bringing it all back to me.

It says Bonchance Canard. It's double N. I know Canard is duck, so C-O-N-N-A-R-D. I don't know what that is. It probably says good luck fuckface. I have no dick or something. I don't know. Come back to New York City soon. That makes no sense to me that you were in Belgium and you learned how to speak French.

I thought you'd be able to talk to Jean-Claude Van Damme, the muscles from Brussels, right? All right, girl. Wow, this guy tried to write girl is fucking with my head and she's so fucking with his head. He wrote girl, girls if fucking with my head. Dear Billy Bats, a few months ago, my waitress at a Mexican restaurant caught my eye with her cute smile and warm personality. I asked her out and things are going great. After two dates, we were having sex and I love spending time with her and making her laugh. She's also joining the Air Force and she used to ask me advice because I'm in the Marine Reserves.

I didn't see her during her final week and late on Saturday during my drill weekend, she was texting that she was a terrible person and she was never going to amount to anything. Sounds like she fucked around with it on you. I'm sorry. That's just my paranoia. I consoled her and she sent a two-page text while I was asleep. At 6 a.m. the next morning, I woke up to the text that read, this has been eating away at me and I had a few glasses of wine and can't hold it in.

Here it comes. On Wednesday, I had lunch with my old friend with benefits and I ended up blowing him. I'm so sorry. I like you so much and I feel horrible. The next day, I asked a few details about the incidents. We are using your hand too, cranking the shaft. I asked a few questions about the incident and said she had a strange way of showing affection towards me. I told her, I didn't want to see her anymore and deleted all of her contact into my info from my phone and blocked her number.

Perfect. Am I being too hard? Is it really so hard to not suck a dick? I've never had the urge. She even told me not to cheat on her and then does this. I probably should have seen it coming because apparently she'd also had a threesome with two guys. She seemed so nice though. This is the first time I've been cheated on and it's fucking with my head.

I'm 23. This shouldn't be that big of a deal but my confidence took a serious blow here. No pun intended. That happened to me at least three times in my life that I'm aware of. Women fucking cheat too. Everybody knows that guys are dogs but women do it fucking too. The only reason right now where you're questioning am I being so hard on her, that's just your feelings talking because you miss her. But dude, you did the right thing.

You deleted her shit. You told her to fuck off. It's a big time self esteem move and you're only 23 years old. You've got a bunch of great women in your future. I'm not saying fuck her as far as her as a person but just forget her as far as someone that you can have a relationship with. She's obviously working out some stuff and she's on her path. You're on your path and you're not looking for that. It sounds like.

Yeah, just move on. You did the right fucking thing. Allow yourself to be sad and go through the shit and all that. Don't do the dumb guy thing where you just try to shut off your feelings. Go through the feelings. Fucking cry it out of you when no one's around. Don't make it awkward for other fucking people. Then just don't fuck with anybody for a while.

Figure out what the fuck you want to do next. But don't go back to her. You can't go back to her. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. Plus she's joining the fucking Air Force. You're going to the Marines anyways. You can't tell me this. You're probably going to go around the fucking world.

You're going to meet all kinds of beautiful women. She actually met in a long way. She probably did you a favor. And I'll tell you right now that is as positive as I can spin that. Because I know it sucks. It sucks, you know. What are you going to do? All right.

Something I wanted. Where the hell was it? Before I wrap this up here. People keep asking me about the European tour. Now here's the thing. I am not allowed to say what the dates are. It's definitely happening. But I can be vague about it at this point.

I heard a rumor that it might start. The end of July. Like the very end of July. Like maybe the last day of July. And I heard that it might go through. I don't know. Mid August. Like Moe actually August 8th.

Maybe to the 10th. It all fucking depends. All right. And the rumor is that it might start. In a city that in country that rhymes with. Mublin fireland. And then it might go to a city. That rhymes with.

Hellcast. Oh, and then there's another one. Hallway. Myerland. I'm not allowed to release any of this information. Then I might go to Pistol. Fingland. Can Fester England.

Mundan England. Hamster Cam. Federlands. And what the fuck kind of routing is that? Then I go up to Feddenboro. And I go to the city of. Hotland. Possibly.

That might that might be it. I'm not allowed to say. But I don't know when we're going to do this thing. But I will tell you that I thought I was going to Belgium. And as of right now, if that's not on the list, which is really bugging me. Because I really wanted to go there. So I'm hoping that maybe I can. We'll see.

I mean the amount of cities that we got offers from. The city of Belgium. And I'm hoping that if I remain married. I have to break it up into three. Three tours. So I think I'm going to do. This one and then maybe I'll do. The Scandinavian one with Belgium on that one. And then an Eastern European one.

I don't know how long it's going to take me to do all of those. But I definitely plan on doing them. Extremely excited about getting over there. There's a lot of. Cities there that I've never played to. I can't wait to get over there. Plus, you know, it's going to be great for me. It's going to feel like a summer vacation because we'll be done writing all 10.

Episodes of Epis for family. So anyways, that's. That is the podcast for this week. Once again, thank you to everybody came out in Calgary and Edmonton and Seattle tonight. This has been a great three day run. And to argue, I got to say Seattle. In all these areas up here, once you live out in a fucking desert, man, it's just. I always look down as the planes landing going, what if I live in that house right fucking there?

You know, somehow I was able to fucking exist and show business and not live out in LA, which I eventually maybe will be able to do. But then what am I going to do? I got to be in the writers room. Eventually I'll be that guy. I'm going to be that guy. Eventually I'm going to be living next to a fucking lake in the middle of nowhere. And staring at a wall, drinking myself to death.

All right, that's it, everybody. That's the podcast. I'm going to watch the blues game. We'll see what happens here. And go fuck yourselves. And I will check it on you on Thursday. All right, see you. And I'll see you next time.