Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-22

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

Bill rambles about Florida, 'Billy Boy', and UFO's.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday May Fuck it 23rd dude May 23rd. Oh look at this, and I'm back. I have a little I got a new mixer I'm sitting in a chair I'm upright. I got a microphone And I have things that I need to say I Really don't other than I had like one of the best fucking weekends of stand-up. I've had in

In my 30 years of going on stage and talking about my fucking freckled cock. I As I've talked about my spotted ball bag over the years I've seen a lot of change Some of it good some of it bad, and I am here to bring back the good and if elected Well, I will make this white town even wider build the wall build the wall Fucking lunatics. Why are people into politics? I don't understand it. I don't understand it. Why can't you just fucking shut? The fucking news off the news Do you watch the news I

Watch 24 hours of news Fucking brainwashed idiot. Oh, I wish we were all smart like you Bill. Yo, I do too. Huh? I do too Anyway, I Was in Tampa, Florida As opposed to Ohio guessing there's a tampon Ohio. They have a Miami, Ohio Why wouldn't they have a Tampa or a Sarasota? Lake Okeechobee And then I was down in West Palm Beach both the places I performed at were at were

Ampitheaters and the first day I get to Tampa, right? I took a red eye out there with four Shaw and You know There's a red eye the next day you fucking wake up you feel all banged up and all of that shit's weird You feel like you went out boozing and you didn't because it's a deceivingly short flight At least it is for me because I'm used to flying diagonally across the country. So it takes at least five You know six hours or whatever unless you got some psycho tailwind then you just realize it's only four hours to Atlanta You just go straight across

Another fucking half hour and you're in Tampa so Anyway, we end up landing out there and My new vise as I went out and I got a cup of coffee and I'm fucking hanging out and it's hot is as fucking hell Florida hot tropical hot you know Vietnam It's America's Vietnam Florida is America's Vietnam

Okay, it's fucking is humid as possible the biggest bugs I've ever seen in my fucking life, and I'm just sitting there You know, I'm not gonna lie to you. I was excited to be in Tampa because ladies and gentlemen, they are about to go They're gonna win three cups in a row They just I just think they're gonna do it. I don't know why maybe cuz they want to in a row I just feel like they're gonna do it. I feel like they although I Didn't realize the Edmonton Oilers also had Patrick Kane. I mean, that's a that's a pretty formidable line But I just think they're gonna do it anyway So sitting out there, you know drinking coffee and shit and

You know Florida what do they call it a sunny place for shady people he's fucking homeless people so goddamn friendly They're driving around they're riding by on bikes. They're like, hey, how you doing? And you know, I'm a friendly guy I'm like, I'm doing good, right? Then you start thinking like okay now. What do I owe that guy now? You know cuz he said hello to me and I said hello back. It's like prison You go to prison if some guy offers you some food don't don't fucking accept it cuz now you owe him something and He's gonna come back for payment in whatever form of I don't know what Always involves your fucking anal cavity Shit anyway

So we were sitting out there we had a great fucking time and met some people I invited them out to the show But it was hot as balls and I'm like, oh my god This reminds me when I used to do the comedy connection Gig down and fucking Newport, Rhode Island in that fucking tent and it would be hot as fucking hell and I would go up there I'm a professional. I wear long sleeves when I'm on stage for the most part. I just do Alright, I did something about showing your arms. It just seems like you just you're wearing a t-shirt up there What I'm what am I doing? Did I come here to fucking, you know

Do one of those fall cleanups on your front and back you add or am I here to be a professional comedian for some reason I feel like a professional comedian. You have to have long sleeves So anyway As luck would have it it fucking rains out And it just cools the whole place down. There's this ridiculous breeze And I have a brand new button-down shirt. I'm all excited. I think it's a nice color to wear on stage You know, I don't have a care in the fucking world. I've gotten through the first edit of this movie now. It's getting easier Instead of doing six minutes a day you can do like 12 to 15 and each time you can fucking crank a little faster

And then you add music and it's exciting my life's getting exciting man And then I'm fucking sitting there waiting to go on four shots fucking killing and I don't know what happened I opened one of those liquid deaths without even thinking I didn't realize it was full full I just fucking right before I went up. I just literally just didn't even make it to my mouth I just dumped it all over my shirt and my lap and you know the deal when you when you spill liquid on your lap It always lands right at the tip of your dick. So it looks like you just pissed yourself, right? So I fuck up my whole shirt. I Have to put on a t-shirt

And go out there not wearing long sleeves breaking my rule of Being a professional comedian, but I got to tell you something. I went out there. There was this cool breeze the entire show Coming off the water. I was joking around. I felt like I was in a fucking tampon commercial, right? Just Just feeling fresh and invigorated and all of that and it was a It's just a great show and then the next day We fly down to Miami. I Get another cup of coffee right a smoke a little cigar out in the balcony and then I go for a fucking walk Around the marina

It's hot as balls and I go it's Florida. It's gonna fucking rain again. It's gonna rain again And it's gonna cool off. It's gonna be great and this time I'm not spilling any water on my shirt Well, guess what everything that I said happened except for the rain it never happened and it was still fucking hot as shit And whatever it's sticky like that. I always I always think muggy Remember that Craig Geraldo bit rest his soul Having the Mexican guy doing the weather You know hot muggy Good day to cross the river. Remember that I always when I can't say muggy without saying muggy

Certain people's bits just get stuck in your head is what I'm saying. It's like a song Um, I hope that made sense anyway Uh, so I go on stage and now I'm wearing the shirt that I spilled water on the night before but it's water So it's fine And I go out there and it was just hot as fuck. I didn't even realize I got off stage I looked at the back of the shirt and it looked like I helped somebody move a three bedroom apartment The whole back was all fucking All wet was fucking disgusting, but uh, the crowd was awesome

Both shows was fucking awesome, and it was such a thrill I've never headlined an amphitheater. I've done stand-up in them a couple of times um way back in the day on On tours with bigger acts or a whole bunch of big acts or something like that And I was going on like third or whatever But I'd never gone out and headlined one and it took me back to go into great woods in 1986 I want to say I saw Eddie Murphy on the raw tour and I saw Rodney danger field with

Uh, uh, Jeff Nelson opening The weather girls opened up for Eddie Murphy and I saw them at great woods in Manfield, Massachusetts Which I now think is called the tweeter center or some shit like that and uh I it was fucking amazing. I was like wow I have not been to a stand-up show or headlined a stand-up show one of these things ever and this was like

This was the venue that I when I went and saw stand-up live for the first time that summer um I don't know if I made the decision to be a comedian, but it was definitely a a moment in my life where I was like Can you imagine? Getting to do that. I'll tell you what else was I saw that same In that same venue One time I saw that uh, what is that band? Uh

Tempted by the fruit of another Remember that's who was I saw them they opened for uh, I think fleetwood mack or something Yes, it was one of the whitest crowds you've ever seen in your life. Oh, yeah, dude Some of the I saw some of the whitest shows ever. I had a free ticket to fucking uh, john cougar melanchamp Uh, which is great because I got to see kenny erinoff Which is why I was there. I was literally there to watch kenny erinoff Fucking lay down those grooves all night. That's why I went there and then the but anyway, I saw that band It's a great song too. Whatever that song is

Um, and whoever their drummer was it wasn't their original drummer. It was a hired gun and this guy was fucking killing it Absolutely killing it a fucking, you know Both arms looked like he was he was like doing that break dance move Like like, uh, whatever the fuck you call that where they pass it from one side of their body to the other You know what I mean doing that molar shit, but it was effortless Fucking effortless. He had a big smile on his face like

Just absolutely killing it. I could not stop fucking watching him. So, um I saw stevie ray von there I saw a lot of shit there, man So uh to be actually be able to come back and do an amputee theater. So this is my long way of saying thank you to everybody for uh who came out this this past weekend and uh You know what I'm using this whole new fucking device and I have no idea how much time I've done now. There's no timer on this thing Bar 337.4. What the fuck does that mean?

All right, what do you guys think I've done here? This feels about seven or eight minutes. Maybe right we'll say seven minutes So that means I started at 7 23. So I got to go to 8 23 See people I'm punching a clock too I'm punching a clock too. Hey, I'll tell you isn't punching a fucking clock right now is your boston red socks huh Everybody getting down on them. Ah, they're doing this they're doing that trevor story literally getting a bronx cheer

The man got booed I mean the man made a lot of money and the man was not producing and the man was playing in boston So the guy's gonna get booed. So he got fucking booed. Well, guess what he did this weekend Fucking guy this weekend hit five home runs had 13 rbi's and seven runs scored And the boston red socks are on a five game winning streak And I could not be happier. I've been keeping an eye on it. You know, I'm missing everything because I'm out here fucking working my ass off um Very excited about that. I can't believe how into baseball I am this year

I think it's because I went to that red socks game early on this year And I immediately it just you know After the pressure of the pregame shit was over and then I was just sitting there eating a fucking hot dog And I was keeping score. I was just like this is fucking awesome. I wish I lived Back at boston and I could walk to the park You know, and I wish they had more day games For old guys like me and I could just keep score and they would just let me smoke Just I mean david ortiz has these little fucking cigars, man. They're called firecrackers. You got if you get them you got to get them

The size of like dog walkers, right? You just go out in the street. You walk down the street. You have a couple of puffs Think about your life. You have a good time You know, you're not hurting anybody. It's a fucking great thing. It really is a great thing I don't understand what the fuck happened. You know what it was. It was those goddamn cigarette smokers You know what I mean? smoking a cigarette is not An event It's a fucking it's just it's a habit

They're animals. They stand next to fucking dumpsters and shit um, I'm not gonna lie to you like I'm addicted to cigars. I mean we all know this so I have a fucking problem too and uh I don't know why you just can't why can't they just you know, you know, they have like one of those things They call it the rock pile. They have always had like these little fucking I think that's in colorado. They have like these little sections where it's like really cheap fucking seats Just stick all the smokers out there and then you just have a fan just blowing out You know blowing it up and over

Or just stick us in an enclosed thing with a giant smoke eater or something like I don't know I did realize this weekend though, you know, when I and now that I've I've gotten into like drinking coffee or whatever What I like about it is it's the same reason why I like a cigar. It's a stimulant. No No, I like it because it's um It's a very social thing or it can be a very solid solitary thing

Same thing with the cigar. You can sit by yourself and reflect On the good and the bad you did for the week, you know, it really is like, you know Mentally going to church, right? And a cup of coffee can be the same way. You can either be like hanging out with people or you can just kind of sit there by yourself You know have a little fucking moment. I get it. I get why people like going out on their back porch I understand it now and uh now that I've you know, I've really given into the fact that I'm a fucking old man now um

underrated underrated Being old and enjoying it You know, I hate to tell young people this but like the older people get the less cool people there are You know people things don't work out the way people want it to work out and then they just get bitter and they fucking you know and they just They just I don't know and then they just sort of settle and they don't they don't Pick themselves pick themselves up and get back in the race They quit

They go to fucking friendlies They pull out a coupon and get themselves a fribble And they sit around and talk until noon About all the shit all the shit they could have done um Yeah, there's a lot of there's a lot of like that, you know I found that when I became a parent just a lot of negative shit People get some sleep

How old's your kid? Oh, yeah, how's he acting he's acting good. Oh wait wait till your kids my age It's like you ever think maybe you suck at it Maybe you suck at being a parent um I don't know speaking of that I came home and uh I have like these you know weekend daddy daughter dates that I do when I come back from the road It's the fucking best and I actually pulled my truck out of the garage and my son is afraid of my truck

Not afraid. He likes the truck. He still calls it a car. He goes dad has car and he goes room Room he does that right which of course just Makes me almost cry. I'm like, oh my he's a fucking man. You're like your fucking croc, right? So he loves the garage Like when I open the garage he squats all the way down Like they do another reference to vietnam, you know, they do that that Great thing that people in asia do when when rather than standing up they squat all the way down, which is fucking great for you They're finding

You know what I mean? You don't end up being that old guy with the blanket on his legs, you know, who needs help getting up That fucking blanket that's becomes part of your pants after a while, right So he squats down like that because he wants to see all the stuff and he knows he has to wait till the door stops And then he runs in he's all excited. So he's always been afraid To go into my truck Because you know, it's dark in there and shit like that So I had to be like nice truck nice truck

So he's literally petting the outside of it And then I got him to the point where I opened the door. He was sort of petting the side of the seat and then today I had it out because I was gonna you know, I drive it on the weekends, right? So I had it out and uh, he saw it And uh, he was like fucking freaking out And I brought him down there and I don't you know, I just sort of sat into the truck with him and it was light out And I was like, hey buddy, you want to go for a ride? He's like, yeah I don't even think he knew what it was

What that meant. I don't know if that word is in his his wheelhouse yet And I turned the engine on and it started up And he just started screaming No, no, when I see he looked at me He was like, whoa, and then when I started moving just creeping forward like an eighth of a mile an hour He fucking just went like yeah Just like it almost hurt my ear how much he was screaming. He was so friggin excited And uh, yeah, so I just kept driving him to the end of the driveway

And then I would back up and just drive me in the driveway and he absolutely loved it And the only way I could get him out of my truck was I had to bribe him With a cookie That's the only thing that gets him when he gets when he gets fucking locked in and he wants to do some shit. He's a real like Smart kid strong minded kid and when he gets locked in And he wants to do something the only there's only one way out payola In the form of a cookie, right? So I go, okay, buddy. We have to we have to go out, you know, and his new thing He goes no way

And it makes me laugh every time and he sees me laughing so now he takes me even less seriously So I have to like I just have to go like, you know I got to go payola So I go come on buddy. Come on. We have to go. It's almost dinner time. You know, I got to put the truck away Okay, we got to get out of the truck. He's like no way Then I finally just go uh I go you want a cookie? He just turns his head and he goes. Yeah Bye-bye car. Bye-bye car and the whole thing's over. That's all you got to do

You know I don't know how to vegans do it. I don't get how they do it, you know Those people that you know those people that like they care so much about their kids. They fuck them up Feed them like seaweed and all of that shit, you know, at some point, you know, you got to give your kid a hot dog I guess you don't You know, maybe I'm making fun of those parents because I look at the effort that they put in um to try and find like, uh You know

The right food or whatever that you're supposed to be feeding people actually follow this guy on um On instagram that has he has his own, uh He's got his own like he grows his own food. It's fucking amazing You mean he has a garden bill. Yeah, I couldn't sorry. I was searching for something too um So, uh, I just realized something else, you know, I was walking When I was on the boardwalk there in west palm beach You know, I had this playlist that I put together. This is like my gym music, right?

We are family by sister sledge kissing my love bill withers and then this guy that I just discovered through, uh Fernando rosa base Is the count the accountant out that I follow and this guy just plays all of this Funk stuff like he did a Judas priest cover today. He does a bunch of stuff But he plays this, you know for a white dude like me deep cut funk shit that I've never heard of

And one of the guys he played About a month and a month and a half ago was this guy Bernard Wright And I downloaded this album called Nard And I cannot recommend it highly enough And it just blew my mind this guy's playing all the instruments. He's he's like Just like a prodigy like he put this album out. I think he was like 17 or 18 years old And I was listening to his music that day and I got back to the hotel And I saw quest love

Had Bernard Wright rest in peace and I was like, oh my god, what? Because I wanted to see him live in concert. I guess he died in an unfortunately in a some sort of traffic auto accident Uh condolences out to him and his family, but um I I mean I couldn't believe it. I just like so weird. There's just so many Talented people out there to find someone like that. He's so young. I mean young to me He was only 58 years old and you're thinking like, you know, I bet this guy still kills it

I can't wait to go see him and and all of this stuff and uh So weird just just found out I'm literally found out about like four weeks ago and now the guy's gone Man, it's fucking brutal. Don't mean to bum you out But I was been meaning to tell you about this album anyways. Check this album out Bernard Wright Nard N. A. R. D Um and just know he plays all the instruments as far as I know I think he plays all the instruments on the album and there's a bunch of shit That you'll hear um You'll immediately recognize and a lot of like the bridges and shit like that that uh rappers have sampled and

You know turned into all these other great songs and all of that shit um I guess snoop has sampled some of his stuff like they were talking like in the obituary some of the Major rappers that have sampled his stuff, but Jesus. What a talent and what a sad Sad thing and let's continue because there's somebody I I've been meaning to to talk about who passed away Someone closer to me in my life Was uh the great Dick Doherty

The godfather the self-proclaimed godfather Of the boston comedy scene You know, I don't know what his claim was. He wasn't a ding-ho guy But I think that he was just like down the cape this renegade harley driving guy, um He had a great run. He was 89 years old. I mean because I I knew I was like dude That guy had to have been at least 90 because he was like 60

In his 60s when I started I guess he was like 59 fuck I'm almost as old as he was Would it be 54 i'm five years away from how old Dick Doherty was when I started. Oh my god, but uh Rest in peace Dick Doherty. I had a great relationship with him throughout the years. I still kept in touch with him on um social media and stuff facebook and that type of stuff and he's just one of those guys You know, he gave me I would say uh out of

A percentage the percentage of stage time say like, you know, my first two years in comedy I would say 65 to 70 of the stage time was at a Dick Doherty room Somewhere and in this guy he was like the freddy He was like jason a freddy kruger. You couldn't kill the guy and people for years were predicting He this is the you know because comedy was in a bad place when I started the the 80s boom was over and all of that shit and this fucking guy Would have like 10 rooms going And then all of a sudden he'd lose one he'd lose two and then all of a sudden he'd lose four

And you just sit there thinking like this guy's going under he's going under and then he'd come back with three more It was like a mickey ward arturo gaudy fight except it was Dick Doherty versus uh, I don't know what restaurant owners and um, he had like his mainstays he had this one At a place used to be called remingtons. I believe emerson college bought it kind of buying up that whole area Um And it used to be a bank and upstairs there was a bar and downstairs was the bank The old like where the safe was so they had this giant walk-in safe that they just kept because what are you gonna do throw it out Fucking doorways like a zillion pounds. So they always work it into the decor. It was a really weird shape room

It was like an l-shaped room if the the bottom part of the l was really short Uh, and the rest of it was the green room. So you went into the green room, which was into a safe And I remember you came down this ramp. It was a green rug This guy spiked Tobin hosted it And that's the place where I put together my first five minutes And then I believe spike told dick doria that I was funny and then I got to start hosting and then he used to have these these rooms In um, chinese restaurants the akua coups or the akua coup. I don't know how you said it um

The akua coup there was one in Worcester and then there was one in cambridge And I remember, uh Hosting there he had a room in drake it. He had one in kenmore square Uh campus comedy, I think he called and he was trying to get people from be that one didn't last too long drake it was a fucking nightmare that one didn't last too long then he had him up in new hampshire just hadn't fucking all over the place and um, that's the place where Really I put together one those those satellite rooms I got good enough to start working for my clark at giggles and in, uh

In the guys at nix And the comedy connection Uh blumenreich and those guys so it was a really like important person In the boston comedy scene that has unfortunately passed away, but he had a great run 89 years old rest in peace dick dordy. Thank you so much For all of the stage time. I mean that guy gave me hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of stage time

Way before I fucking deserved it. Um So, uh, there you go. So there's there's the in memorandum part of the uh, the podcast that i'm assuming at this point It's time to do the reads I think Right 16 and 7 23 minutes. I don't think so You know bill. I don't really think so. How about the fucking miami heat? Huh, they come out they win the first game everybody's like, yeah, see they're the number one seed they're not getting any fucking respect Then they got their asses

In game two And then everybody's thinking, uh, here comes the Celtics and blah blah blah blah blah Then they come out like fucking gangbusters. I was working all I know is they were down by like fucking 24 It's 27 or something like that. We cut it down to 10 and um We couldn't get any closer, but I heard jimmy butler's hurt everybody's hurt Everybody's hurt man um

set me Well emotionally, maybe i'm hurt. I don't know You know, I as always I should just fucking print out these goddamn things instead of having to fucking type the goddamn password in every fucking time You know what bill? Who gives a shit exactly who gives a fuck? I'm on the other side of mushrooms people. I don't flip out anymore um What else did I want to talk about? Oh, let's see west palm sweat Celtics lose game three trapper story You know if the fucking red socks could just sign xander bogart's

and fucking, uh Rafael divas I mean, I think we might have the best infield in baseball you know Our pitch is gonna come around Of all the what he put he's he's always thrown for like seven innings For the most part. I think I think we'll be all right. Oh do you bill?

And what level did you play baseball at? I made it to the majors in an instruction in a little league I did I played I played One year of of little league and then I made it to the majors in fifth grade Well, you could steal bases which was fucking cool But then I got a d in math and then that was it my parents are just like your academics come first And then that was it I was off the team and then

I never asked to play again because it was just too it was just you know what I mean Just too much That's like I'm not going through that fucking shit again You know, I can get a d I can keep getting d's in math and not have to deal with Turning in a uniform and that's what I did I cut out the turning in the uniform part and I just continued to get d's in math

And all of that shit. I don't know. I always wondered what would happen if I actually fucking I don't know was good at school Like where would I have been? Because you know, you know what there is there really is there's the you that's born And then there's this shit that happens to you and then you know, you spend the rest of your life trying to figure out like You know, what would I have been? Oh man, that's an interesting movie You know

I actually think sometimes That when you actually work your way back To who you were supposed to be You then die Isn't that weird like how many times you see but he had just gotten his life together. He was sober He was the happiest he'd ever been, right? He went deep sea fishing the hook caught him in the seat of the pants and he threw himself overboard Right in the mouth of a killer whale

Oh, you should have seen the look on his face. He didn't even care He was happy. You know what? You know what? Hey, hey, hey He figured it out And that's when everybody else goes he figured it out and everybody does the fucking Yeah, because you know, it's miserable motherfuckers live forever Assholes live forever. It's almost like god's like putting off seeing them Like, all right. I know I I'll get to it. I'll get to it. Bring me a couple of sweethearts. All right. I got a fucking headache today You know

Like so many like musicians Comedians Stevie Ray Vaughan Got sober put out his best fucking album And then we lose him sam kinnison was sober Was on his way back was going to get back to the sam That he was when he first fucking hit and it was as a Banna stand up and I just started doing stand up and everything like that I couldn't fucking wait to see what that guy was going to talk about and he's taken from us

You know what I mean? Donald trump joe biden still fucking living still alive still alive Trump's eating fucking mcdonald's every day fucking dude won't die All right, joe biden. Maybe yeah, he probably had mcdonald's. He doesn't fucking remember um I will be honest with you when I turned on the tv. I did see some news about china In taiwan and all of that shit and it's just I just like what is going on

Like I don't understand what is china doing you got a huge piece of fucking land You made it nobody's knocking you off the block There's a billion of you You're good What strategic fucking horseshit do you need? By going out there and grabbing that island now. I understand japan They got a little strip of fucking land. They're like england. That's what happened with england bunch of pasty cunts

Fucking elbow to elbow. Let's get some boats and take some shit. That's what happens I understand the uh, Japan doing the same thing they had to expand They had to try to expand everybody else is allowed to expand Do you know japan actually defeated russia in a war? And when they went in to claim the land like all the white countries do all the other white countries got together and said no You can't do that And then they were like, oh really?

Oh really well Here's pearl harbor for you something like that. I don't matter I can't remember if I read that or if I fuck no, I did read that. I actually I used to read people. I used to have time to read and things like that I actually sat down and started I was reading. Um The fire I got a couple of just trashy fucking magazines

You know, there's no magazine, you know, it's funny Those are the only fucking magazines that seem to be left magazine stands are gone and then just like the just the you know An older wiser who gives a fuck talks about how she finally figured it all out Whenever I see those articles, I just think to myself you didn't figure it all out or god would have taken you you would have been dead you know That's it. You figure it out. You get happy then you die and then god's like fucking deniro come here you come here you Okay, you didn't read out your friends. You didn't blame other people for your problems. You got sober and you figured it out. All right

um That's what god looks like in my world. He's like jimmy the gent minus the murdering Although he does create murderers, doesn't he or is that the devil? Um, all right. I think I've yammered enough where I can do a little bit of fucking advertising here. Can I Can't a bald orange man fucking breed some advertising when he wants to ladies and gentlemen Oh, shit. I don't even have the fucking advertising. I went right to the questions the question jerk um

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Uh, sorry. Oh look who it is everybody Look who it is Our old friends old zip Hey Zip recruit everybody, you know certain people just make my life so much easier I don't know what I do without them Talk about a person or people you rely on to help you out with certain things You know what my kids make my life easy. I come home dad dad dad dad. They make me feel loved

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the smartest way To hire All right, well speaking of the smartest way to do things i'm gonna mosey on over here get myself a liquid death Boy, oh boy. Do I love a liquid death? What do I like about a liquid death? Well, I'll tell you What would you rather do Would you rather drink beer out of a can? Or would you want to drink it out of a plastic fucking bottle? Why have we been drinking water out of plastic bottles for all of these fucking years because that's how it started

And we never knew there was a better way It's like how america is slowly discovering a bidet All of these years are used in toilet paper When you could really just have your fucking asshole spread down Like it showed up at a protest Sorry, it's delicious Ah I love it. Um, god damn it. That's good fucking water

All right, you know what I actually found that I haven't played in a while here What the fuck is it you cocksucker remember this one? Come on Oh, does that not work anymore Hey That's me How are you You know each week you guys write in

You know, why do you write in? She don't have someone special in your life You can't afford therapy. I don't know what it is. Or maybe you just like hearing how stupid I am People write in all the time They ask me questions. They ask for advice. I don't know why I don't have any sort of training I don't have a degree in anything She guys asked me questions. You tell me about stuff. You tell me. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about Dude, I'm telling you right now the screensaver on my computer this new computer screen. I don't know what this is

This is like if I was on acid and I was looking at a porcupine And the sun was going down really fast Does that make any sense? It's like if I was really close to the thing. No, I'm not on drugs right now, but it's just It's mesmerizing. Um, all right question. Hey billy boy Funny enough the song you sang a snippet of is called billy boy Miles davis is the only person in history who could make it cool and he did a hip cover of it on his album milestones Um, listen to philly joe jones. Just play the shit out of those drums. Oh, yeah, yeah

Tell me where have you been billy boy billy boy. Tell me where have you been charming billy? He's a young kid that wants to go with scouting like a scout easy young kid that wants to go with scouting And just when you think that horrible song's over there's a second. We can't can you scramble me an egg billy boy billy boy Can you scramble me an egg charming billy? I fucking hated that song when I was a kid Kids used to just fucking sing, you know, it's weird that that was enough to set you off You know, especially if you know you if you were left-handed and had red hair and you were basically the devil spawn Fucking ginger that I was That was enough to set you off when you were a little kid if somebody if they

Older bigger kids started singing a song that had your name in it Probably because it said charming Because the big kids can you scramble me an egg charming billy? I'd be like stop singing that song And they're like, all right entertainment. Let's get this fucking freckled cunt going right? um What was another one billy don't be a hero Don't be a fool with your life They would sing that

Walking through the woods It's like, can you guys just get to beating the shit out of me? Can you please stop with the fucking billy karaoke? Um, so miles davis did a hip version of it. Um, anyway, hey years book years ago This person continues before therapy. I sent a really stupid email to you which you referenced on the show I was ticked at the time, but I feel a pang of embarrassment regret whatever whenever it crosses my mind. Hey, you're forgiven You're forgiven. I don't care. We all get like that. No problem. Okay And if I read your email today, I still wouldn't have a problem with it because I know it would have nothing to do with me Something happening to you and you're working it out. All right. I'm working out my shit. You're working out your shit

I hope china can work out their shit with america. We don't fucking kill a bunch of innocent people on both sides Why don't these suited cunts fucking relax? Um, anyway, not that it matters, but sorry man. I'm glad you talk about therapy Maybe if men keep going we can all have less stupid shit to deal with in this world Go fuck yourself to philly joe jones unachievable perfection That's funny. Um, yeah Yeah, I I I don't like uh, I don't I don't fucking carry shit anymore. It's fucking great

It's fucking great. It's a great. It's a great fucking place to be Um, and you could do it too if I did it german irish fucking lunatic you could do it too. Um Yeah, I got this new thing man. What what what when I meet people or whatever um I finally I used to like when I used to meet psychos You know, I grew up with psychos and I was like, I don't want to I don't want to be with like psychos anymore You know when I when I grow up, uh, you know, I'm I'm gonna be have a psycho free fucking life No lunatics, right?

And then you go out in the world and you meet lunatics and it feels like home You're like, oh, I I relate to this. This feels like my hometown. This feels like the way I grew up And then you end up recreating the shit and then you got up doing the shit you didn't want to be doing right So now that I'm on the other side of that now I can kind of like, you know When you get older you can kind of fast forward through relationships. So now this is my shit If I talk to somebody you have a meeting with somebody business fucking whatever or maybe I'm you know, meet somebody Maybe we're gonna start hanging out if after I hang out with them or talk to him on the phone or or

email exchange if I have to unpack shit If I'm walking around talking to myself going, I should have said this when they said that yeah, fuck that person You know business is one thing though, you know business. It's like you kind of have to like You can't just you know Business is a weird world, you know, you kind of have to put up with a certain degree of shit, but just in general Um, I find myself now I start to get angry and then I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait Fuck this person Out of my life

Out of my life That's the way uh, huh, uh, huh. I like it. Uh, huh, huh, huh. That's it out Out the door then I put on a polyester shirt and I fucking dance like that guy in airplane to disco and I have a great night Um, that's my new thing. It's been working out for me Anyway, I think bill burst saved my life at the hollywood bowl What are you talking about? I did like seven minutes and I left hi bill Oh, hi bill

Burr I flew over from la from australia and the day we arrived was davis chapelle and friends at the hollywood bowl I'm never gonna forget that. I am never gonna forget Thank you to davis chapelle if I didn't say it already. I know I said it to him directly, but jesus christ I have to say it on the podcast like I will never fucking forget The level of artists that I've seen on that fucking stage to be standing there was just Serial anyway before jumping in the uber to the door to the bowl. I ate one gummy just one Well, that all depends on how many milligrams it was

Night was going well felt a little buzzed my girlfriend now fiance congratulations And I found our seats and started to enjoy jeff ross doing his thing Everything was going well until the sun went down The gummy is obviously nocturnal and this was hit in his little demon ass woke the fuck up Oh boy feeling overwhelmed with paranoia. You can't you can't give into it, man. You got to ride it out You got to ride it out and just be like of course i'm paranoid. I ate marijuana That's it That's what this is. There's nothing really to fear here

Okay, something you know other than the lunatic who charged the stage. All right. I'm gonna continue as I asked my girlfriend To get me a coke and a water big mistake She must have been gone for 10 minutes and boy. Oh boy. Did it feel like an hour to me. Oh my god Dude, you didn't eat a gummy. You ate gummies. Oh, you ate something that was like in the 30 to 50 range I would guess I started to panic thinking something has happened to her I ran to the drink lines. It could not find her. Oh, dude. Are you new to this shit? Just sit there and laugh about how scared you are Whenever I would get like that. I just would just I would think of fucking

Shaggy on scooby-doo And I like when he wouldn't say whoa He'd say like before it like whoa, that's what I would think when I would start freaking out If I ate something and I and and I thought I had reached the top floor only to realize that I was only halfway up That's what I would always do to keep myself calm. I would just think of shaggy and I would just go like It would just make me laugh and I'm like, all right Because it's really not about how high you're gonna go it's it's it's really about

You need to feel that initial descent and you're like, all right, I survived I made it all the way to the top and now we're going back down again Even if you're a thousand fucking feet in the air You know, you know that now you're at 980 and you survived a thousand and then you're fine So I it's it's it's the way up. That's fucking scary. I find um, anyway I said she must have been gone for 10 minutes and boy. Oh boy. Did it feel like an hour to me. I started panicking I started panicking thinking something has happened to her. So I ran to the drink lines

I could not find her I ran to the security and got them all looking for her I was convinced something had happened to her After causing such a ruckus. I returned to my seat to find her sitting there shaking her head Oh god, I've been there By the time I explained the shenanigans to my girl My girlfriend they began to announce the next guest you Seeing the moon man head Struck across the stage

Brought me such joy and excitement and took me right out of the paranoid state. I was in turned out to be the greatest night of the trip Meeting the vacation uh second to proposing to my fiance at disneyland. Good for you Uh, what ride were you on? Uh close second? Um, oh Thanks for saving the day and go fuck yourself. All right, man. I've been there I've been there that happened to me early this year. I I thought I was taking 10 Which I can handle and I accidentally, you know I didn't talk to the person who gave him to me and I think I think I had at least 40 if not 50

And I was sitting I was in a chair that I wanted to get up Out of for two hours and just could not figure out how to do it if I just stood up It would have been fine, but I was just like My head felt like a magnet You know what I mean when there's another magnet close by And they're opposite or the same charge so they're like pushing each other away That's what that's felt like that was inside my head. Um That's a pretty good description. I would say all right ufo talk. Oh, I love this shit

I'd love to meet an alien and just be like what the fuck why the fuck would you come here? You missed it, man, you should have been here a couple hundred years ago before we fucked this whole thing up You needed to get here before plastic and nuclear weapons and the gas combustion engine That's when you should have came here I don't know what to tell you before white people came out to this side of the fucking world. That's when you needed To get here. You missed it. You missed the boat. What do you want here, huh? You're gonna take over the planet What are you gonna do next buy a vcr this place is uh

It's over Bill you ever get the feeling that all these open government hearings about ufos is a bit suspect Why are they all of a sudden asking questions out in the open about this? They denied everything but the moon's existence But now they want an open conversation about this. It's a huge leap I tend to believe the theory that they want us to think new hypersonic planes Are really alien ships So that they don't have to share the technology with us Well, wait a minute

Every military plane for the most part other than a cargo plane flies faster than they have all kinds of shit in the military They're not going to share with us Why should they share it with us? Where the fuck do you have to go in hypersonic speed? Look how fast covid spread you want to be hypersonic After you fucking jerk off a bat and fuck a monkey whatever whatever the fuck these things come from there's always some There's always somebody doing something with an ass. Stay away from the fucking animals Jesus Christ, what's wrong with people?

Um, I tend to believe that they're okay. Okay. All right. Uh, they want to keep the new hypersonic planes No, they're already advertising those things What fucked over supersonic travel unfortunately Was that was the uh, the conquered crashing I think But that was a round for like 20 years and nobody else jumped on it But that was always a dream of mine. I always wanted to fly that thing from new york Over to paris and like fucking three hours whatever it did. It just seemed Fucking incredible

um But no, that shit's coming. I think that they're gonna have fucking electric ones if we survive. I think they're gonna have like You know the electric ones and uh Oh, but the thing what we have to do is we have to fucking recycle We never fucking recycle like all of these goddamn batteries that they're gonna put these things now You know goddamn well with you know all the the carbon footprint of all this shit you have to get right What the fuck what the what are all battery lithium? Is that what that's all made of?

Then I heard china like bought up all the fucking Mind see this is what happens you get a little bit of information Oh, that's why we're saying china's doing something because we want to get the lithium back from them And there's hypersonic planes. This is why I tapped out from all of this shit And I'm watching baseball this early. I'm telling you people don't worry about shit. That's bigger than you pay great All right, get yourself a habit Coffee cigars all of the above drinking whatever the fuck you're into Pick a team and just follow

And let these assholes fucking I don't I don't what I I can't deal with it anymore. Anyway, I'm getting okay. I'm bumming you guys out. I'm sorry. It's already confirmed other countries have hypersonic weapons Hypersonic weapons you went from planes So on these hypersonic planes they have weapons on them. What's a hypersonic sonic weapon? How much faster can the missile get here? I can't imagine uncle sam not being in the same business

All paid for by suckers like us who will never get to ride past jupiter or mars in other words Thanks for the laughs. I have for the fucking life of me. I have no idea why anybody wants to go to mars Why would you want to do like That is just the ultimate cross-country fucking flight. I would tell you this do right now I understand wanting to go into outer space All right, and then come back Okay, the bottom line is it's all about coming back

And talking and talking loud about it near beautiful women. So maybe one of them will fuck you How are you gonna do that if you're going all the way out to like? I don't know where you guys How fucking cold it's gonna be out there? On mars, I don't know Yeah, let's you know, I'm gonna look up mars forecast. Let's see what they say Let me see here Planet Mars

It doesn't even come up forecast Planet mars national weather surface temperatures on mars average minus 81 degrees Fahrenheit You know, it's fucking funny a green bay packer game the right time of year is actually colder than that can be Uh, maybe not. Uh, however, temperatures range from around 200 minus 220 degrees Fahrenheit in the wintertime At the poles to 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Well, that's when you want to go

Oh my god, we want to trip to mars, but it's in the winter Oh Went there my nose fell off So of course it wasn't covered You know and like delta wouldn't let me board and I was like you're letting all these other people board before group one I lost my nose on this trip and they said we're sorry. There's nothing we can do about it Um They can keep their hypersonic travel. I don't give a fuck

They can have underground tunnels They can put fucking, you know elk heads on and fuck each other I don't give a fuck what they do as long as I can just sit on my back porch and nobody fucks with me And I could just look at the little piece of fucking land that I that they let me have Until they decide it's not mine anymore. I it's as long as I can do that. I'm good Then all I need is just the sports packages, by the way And I I want to apologize to the race fans who feel neglected on this I am so fucking far behind in f1 and moto. I don't even know what's going on a moto gp

last I looked In f1 Ferrari was winning Mercedes was trying to figure it out and red bull Finally got their act together. I missed the miami race and I missed the one that happened I believe today My wife deleted one of them and then I think she fucked up the recording on it and I'm I'm doing a bunch of shit and I know I'm missing the season. I wanted to see

Which is ferrari came back and then Louis Hamilton's having a problem, which if you're a fan of racing, that's what the fuck you that's the scenario you Want because now you're gonna see some racing if Louis Hamilton's not having a fucking problem from the jump You know, I mean last year was great and everything like that, but I didn't like how it ended, you know That fucking restart and everything that was bullshit Although I you know and he handled it like a fucking man. So what are you gonna do? But I like watching that guy having to play catch up

I like watching Mercedes have to fucking catch up because if they're out and if they're if they're you know, they're out there in the clean air The whole thing's over. I know bills. You say that's every time you're bringing up. Okay. All right All right. All right home remedy remedy. I need a remedy Banana peel to treat warts Hey, billy ginger snap lady listener Hear from billings montana. Ah, man. I haven't been up there. I don't think I've ever been there. I went to Hastings That was Nebraska

Did I go to helina? Maybe went to billings I Can't remember anyway My grandmother and mom have a home remedy for treating warts Rub the inner surface of a ripe banana peel on the wart and then bury the banana peel in the backyard What Burying the peel in the backyard seems a bit witch doctory. All right. Thank you. We're on the same page again But I can say I've tried the remedy and it does work

Love the podcast come to montana. What the That's somebody just fucking with me. I mean, what is burying it? What does that do? What the fuck would I would think at some point that that would then affect The banana the banana would have warts. I don't I don't understand All right, I'm not doing that. All right. I'm not you know what I'm not playing I you know what I have too much to unpack on that. I'm done with you. I'm walking away See that I'm mature. Mmm. All right. That is the podcast everybody. Let's go Celtics. Let's go red socks

That's all we got going on no more Bruins. Yeah, damn it. Um, I watched a little bit of calgary Versus Edmonton. I didn't know they had a vander kane I'm just fucking out of the loop. Remember how on it. I used to be not saying I used to pick the games But I fucking knew who was playing. I don't know shit anymore Yeah, brother, um, whatever who gets a fuck. This is the podcast I had fun. I hope you had fun All right, I'm telling you man. Try that if fucking people are if there are a lot if somebody's a fucking lot If somebody in your life calls and you look down and you see that fucking number you just see their phone number you just say Hey, don't pick up

Don't pick up All right Just let them fade away Or you just have a conversation with them just being like, yeah, you know, it's just uh You know, my friends are easy. We hang out. We have a good time. We laugh And afterwards I'm glad it happened I don't walk around on my pajamas at three in the morning later Talking about it. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on thursday

Now how do I shut this thing off? This is my new fangled thing. This is the this is the bonus Part of this fucking podcast. I don't know how to shut this off. I guess maybe I could edit it out Edit it out Okay, and then uh, you fucking whore All right Why does it keep doing this shit? Why oh why won't you fucking work for me? Oh, it's a wireless keyboard man. It's not tethered to nothing man. So now what do I do? Oh, I have to go with the mouse

the mouse the mouse Okay Then I do this and then for some reason like 20 fucking letters come in All right. All right. All right. All right. There we go Fuck you you cunt Oh you fucking whore What why a wireless fucking

I Why would you go wireless? I'm not gonna lie. This is embarrassing this fucking keyboard. It's fucking wireless and just doesn't work. It just doesn't work You know what? I'll figure it out I'll figure it out And then everything will be fine