Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-25-15

Episode Date: May 25, 2015

Bill rambles about how to die at a racetrack, women inventors and electric cars.

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Today morning podcast from Monday, May 25th, 2015. The final Monday that there will ever be in May of 2015. Let me ask you. Let me ask you, what are you going to do about it? Huh? You ain't doing shit today, are you? I don't want to hear a fucking word out of anybody at this podcast. If you consider it late, you're self-involved jackass.

If you consider it late, you got the day off anyways, don't you? Well, if you don't, you either have a shit job or you work for yourself. Because when you work for yourself, fucking money never sleeps or whatever dumb shit they say in some fucking hip-hop song. You know what I mean? I hate how fucking dramatic they try to make every goddamn fucking moment, you know? Not all rappers, but just in general. Money never sleeps, more money, more problems.

Not really. Now, if you would just move away from the toxic element that you grew up in, you know? If you'd start buying some assets, if you had your money make money, then you don't have more problems. Stay out of the club. You have enough fucking money to bring some bitches over to your house. You don't need to go out. Okay, let me have a little fucking old white guy-to-rapper discussion here. Just fucking, once you make your money, get the fuck out of there.

And don't listen to those assholes, oh yeah, you forgot where you came from. No, no, I remember where I came from. That's what you don't see. That's what you don't understand. I remember exactly where I came from. All right, you want me to come back? I'll come back during the day when all you maniacs are still sleeping. I'm not coming back at night. Jesus Christ, yeah, you come back during the day.

Come back at like 10 in the morning if you want to make a fucking positive impact. Come back at 10 in the morning, you know, when the good people are getting up, right? You know, watching their kids, you know? You already went to work or whatever. That's the deal, but that second shift comes in. That's when you get the fuck out. That's what I would do. I don't know. I mean, that exists at all levels, you know what I mean?

You're some fucking, yeah, just some jackass from the suburbs. You know what you got to do? You got to get out of it. You got to get out of the town. Whatever town you're from, whether they're still wearing the football jackets, going down to the water and haul, right? Dude, how come you never come around anymore? What do you think you're fucking too good for us? No, I don't think I'm too good for you. I think I'm too good for this. I'd like a little more than this, if you don't mind. That's all you got to do. You just, you just fucking, you fucking have a bar in your house. That's what you do, right?

And then what you do is you invite your friends over. You have friends, people you know. Okay, then if you want some whores or whatever, you have them come over. You flip on the security camera, so there's no fucking, he said, she said, right? You give the pimp a little fucking throat coat to you or whatever, and his fucking sasperilla, whatever the fuck he wants to drink. You have a nice evening, everybody goes home. Bing, bang, boom, done. You need to do all of that in your cabana. You don't have them in your real house. That's what you do. You don't fucking go back down in the same goddamn, what's wrong with you? What are you doing?

What am I talking about? I don't know. I'm dishing out advice like I have any business giving anybody advice. You know what? I have a bar in my house. You know, it's just a bunch of bottles laying around, you know. I fucking, you know, take a bite out of them every fucking goddamn day. You know what? I'm at my heaviest I've ever been. I've been talking to you guys, singing the gym song and all that, you know what? That Southern tour. And then the 19 shows, and then I got sick and then I fucking kept eating like an animal. And I'm at my heaviest I've been in fucking six years. And I'll tell you right now, I'm disgusted with myself.

Oh, Billy Fat again. Oh, Billy Red Velvet. Ah, man, what did I do? Oh, Jesus, I got a fuck. You know what? Everything I tell you guys not to do, I did. And then I had a flight yesterday, so I had to do weight and balance so I had to get on the fucking scale. I got on with my clothes and it said 190. You know, I weighed myself this morning. I was 186 without fucking shoes and cell phones and all that shit. But God, I'm so disgusted with myself. I need to lose 15 fucking pounds. 15 fucking pounds. So what did I do? I did the usual.

All right, fuck this. Fuck this. I'm getting in shape. You know, when you do that, it fucking lasts for about 12 hours. So I'm about 12 hours in after I weighed myself. I was so fucking disgusted. Had a good lesson though. And then I came home and I finished off the salad with salmon. And then for dinner, I had a fucking black bean burger, no bun with a side salad. You know, crush me to order that. But I gotta tell you, after I ate it, I felt great. Felt great and I drank waters the rest of the night and I figured, all right.

You know, with clothes on and everything on 190, so I'm probably about 185, 186. Eating like this, I'll wake up in the morning. I'll probably be about 184, right? Woke up in the morning, 186.8. I'm a fat, freckled fuck right now. I'm a fucking flounder. I don't like it. I'm not even a button down shape right now. You know that when your buttons get too fucking, they start having a fucking, you know, that stress mark of both sides of the shirt, is it's holding it together. I think he's do a joke about that Mac,

where the button was like an iron doing the iron cross, trying to hold both sides together. It's fucking horrible. It's absolutely horrible. So, I don't know. I ate my way into it. I gotta eat my way out of it, because I don't really have time to fucking go too nuts. I did take my dog on a two-hour hike today, but I don't know. What an asshole. You know, it really fucked me. I've been off the rails, on and off the rails since November or October, when I sat in the writer's room, F is for family, and I started working eight hours a day,

and we started ordering lunch and all that type of shit, and I felt myself putting it on like five pounds. Then I held the five pounds, then right into the fucking holidays, threw on another three. Then somewhere, I don't know, in March, I started going back to the gym. After I was back, I was up to like, I was like 172 before this shit started. Then I fucking went up into the 180s again. Then I was coming down to like 179, and then the Southern tour. Came out the other fucking side of it. 186. I mean, I guess that's not bad. I gained six fucking seven pounds.

Ah! Fucking worst. Every time I go to set up, I feel like I'm fucking got a kid. It's a kid growing in me. A little fat fucking kid. Anyways, so last night I stayed in. For the first night since I can even fucking remember, I didn't drink. You know, I always have a couple of drinks. I'm not gonna lie to you. There's no reason for me not to. I don't have any children. Alright, you'd be doing it too. Don't judge me.

So last night, I'm staying in, you know, took my dog for a walk around the block, staring down at my stomach, fucking looking at myself in the mirror, going, look at you. Fat shame on myself. Look what you did. Look at you. You're a fucking mess, right? Awful. Fucking awful, right? You know what's even worse was I continued to fucking lift weights as I put on all this weight. So now I look like that classic fucking, you know, the only thing I'm missing is like, you know that guy that keeps fucking working out, but he keeps eating like an asshole.

So he's got the pecks in the shoulders and he's just got that fucking awful gut, right? And then he's got the tight button down and you just see the fucking shirt struggling every time the guy fucking reaches over to grab another potato skin. That's the kind of fucking shape I'm in right now. So anyway, so I stayed in last night and I just watched TV, you know, which is always good when you're trying to drop weight, whatever. I didn't fucking drink. Go fuck yourself. So I watched that if you watch that rich kids of Beverly Hills.

It's fucking unbelievable. It's just one of those things. My wife tapes a bunch of shit, you know, for some fucking reason, you know, she's always telling me she doesn't delete my shit. But whenever I come off the road, all my shows, you know, fast and loud. Where's all the fast and louds? Where's all? Hey, where's all the fast and louds? You know, I yelled that because I know she's up. And she's just like, oh, well, I didn't do anything.

Really? It's not recording the series anymore. How does that happen? If I hit record series and then I go on the road and I leave, what happened? Are you going to tell me it was a malfunction? How come whenever it malfunctions the DV? Why does it always malfunction on the shit I want to record? You know, I don't fucking know. So anyway, so I'm like, all right, any partner store? I watched the rest of that show, The Comedians, one of my favorite new shows.

That and Last Man on Earth, of course. So great to see Billy Crystal again, you know, such a big fan he is, man. He's fucking hilarious on that show. And I don't know if you guys have seen the show. I just love how Josh Gad's character has no idea all the accomplishments that Billy Crystal has gotten over the years. And it'll be like, yeah, you know, I'm up for a kid's choice of work. And can you believe that? Can you believe it? And he's like, yeah, I'm up for one too.

He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, yeah, yeah. He goes, I've won one of those. Really? I just love that he has no fuck. That's so such like a sobering thing in this fucking, I guess in life in general, is when you're going to accomplish all this shit, you just think you're going to be the fucking man. And you just don't understand that there's a whole generation of kids that are coming up that could give a fuck, which is why if you make money at some point, you got to become a landlord.

Oh, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm going to do it. I'm going to fucking do it. I always said I was never going to do it, but I'm going to do it. I was like, I don't want to be fucking dealing with fixing toilets and shit. I'm not going to do that. I'll get someone to manage the building for me to buy something. I got to do it. That's my exit strategy, right?

Instead of going out and buying a bunch of shiny shit, right? Going down to the club and getting in trouble. No, you stay at home. You drink yourself just shy of 200 pounds while you check out real estate. That's what you do. So as you set yourself up financially, you simultaneously destroy your hot and liver, right? And then you stick it all in a will and you give it to your wife. And then one day, right?

You're sitting there having an egg salad sandwich. You're down at the track. Come on, you six. Come on. It's the next thing you know, you're slumped over the rail. Take a horsetail to the face and it's fucking over. That's it. It's over.

But you know what? Everybody in your life is psyched. He was really smart with his money. Oh, thank God. Thank God. God bless him. You know, he died doing what he loved. Doing what he loved.

Screaming at the horses with a .30 blood alcohol level, having a massive coronary. That's what he liked to do. Do you know he had seven heart yet? Seven. Seven. I wasn't six. I thought it was seven. You know, all the old bitches who never die sitting there in the coffee shop just chatting

away, chatting away, right? Burning calories, running their fucking apps. They live forever. That's what fucking kills me. All these broads going on TV, bitch, moaning and complaining. We don't get this. We don't get that. You fucking live forever.

Hey, look who's here. Wow, you look fucking amazing. Is it possible for you to do the podcast and not scream at the top of your fucking lungs? Is it possible for you to do that? You're too good to be true. Can't take my eyes. Screaming my name. Just a second ago.

Why were you screaming? Because I wanted you to come up here, you dummy. I know, but you can do it in a little bit more of a positive way and not call me a dummy as well. I love you, baby. And if it's quite all right, pull up a fucking chair. Pull up a chair and grab a microphone, you asshole. And I want you to explain to me.

You have limited time on this podcast today. Why? Because... Fucking look at me like that. All right. Listen, go get a fucking chair. Why don't you have a chair in here? This office is a disgrace.

No, you know what's a disgrace is my fucking torso. 186.8, Nia. That's what you're banging. Huh? A big fucking flounder. I'm getting... I'm getting... I'm rapidly approaching.

Get on top. Get on top weight. You still gonna love me, Nia? When that brow sweat is raining down on you like the fucking... Goddamn. I don't know. Something about the rainforest. What the fuck's the microphone?

Should we put a cap on both of our weights? Huh? You look great. Thank you. Where the fuck is my... There's another mic in the thing there. Can't stop eating like a pig. He's a fat, freckled fuck.

I fucking hate myself right now, Nia. Hate it. Good. Put the windscreen on. Jesus Christ. Goddamn fucking... Here we go. Here we go.

Setting up the microphone. Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the podcast. Oh, my God. There you go. How's this? That's very good. Now, I want to know something, Nia. Yes.

Okay. You're adorable. You're beautiful. Uh-huh. Even when you snore, it's cute, as opposed to me. Right? Let me ask you this. How, when I go on the road, is fast and loud?

Yeah, I heard you screaming about that downstairs. We've made that point like nine times. I just want people to be clear that this is just a thing that you do on reg. I did that. I did that so I could have you come up here. All right? And I got to tell you something else, Nia. This screaming that I do, that puts fruit loops on the table.

Oh, my God. I knew that's where you were going with this. Why? Because of your screaming. That's right. Yeah, yeah. I got it. Just check it in on you.

They love it. I know. But we are not in a theater. Every time. We are not in a theater. I am not an audience member. I don't need you to be screaming like your life. I need a nice save it for the stage.

We had saved it for the fucking stage. Every time you sit down and eat a nice crunchy cereal, you got to say to yourself, thank God, my husband screams like a lunatic. Right. So what are you talking about fast and loud? I told you, I don't know what happened. Yeah, okay. Point your finger at me.

Well, you're sitting there giving me shit about screaming and yelling. Last time I'm trying to go to bed and you're watching that Frankie Valley musical. Yeah. And I'm trying to sleep every fucking five second. You were asleep though. I can't do it. You know what's funny is that you already kind of have a higher pitch voice. So it's actually not hard for you to go into that register.

That wasn't bad. Listen, don't compliment me because you're watching your fucking TV. I feel like that show was better on stage than it was in the movie version. It looked great. Well, thank you, Meanie Ebert. Who in God's name would care what you think about a fucking movie? Why do you have me up here then if you're just going to be an asshole to me? I swear to fucking God.

What is wrong with this? This is how I say I love you. I know. You were forever a seventh grade boy pulling pig tail. Oh, shut your face. Why is fast and loud not recorded? I don't know. This is like the ninth time.

I know. You've asked me nine times and I'm answering you nine times. I don't know. I don't know why. Really? That's interesting. I haven't erased anything. I haven't changed anything.

That's interesting. I take games and I come back and the games. You know what happens is you're sitting here and you're taping two things at once, right? Our DVR has the capability to tape five things at once, and I've never taped five things at once. So even if I did have two things going on at once, I don't know. What the fuck is all my stuff? I don't know, Bill.

I don't know. Is there anything worse than when you think you have them? I just think you have them. I thought we still had the old school one. Well, back in the day when you recorded two things at once, you used to erase my shit all the time. So I'm yelling at you about that. What did I used to erase of yours all the time?

Every fucking game. And you always go, oh, can you get rid of some of the stuff from the DVR? It's all my stuff. Bill, you still have this Super Bowl on the DVR. Wait a minute. We won. That's never coming off. Do you need to have it on the DVR, like forever?

Do you need to have it on? But you don't even go back and watch it. What are you talking about? How do you know? How do you know what I do? Have you gone back and watched it? Yeah, I've watched that Super Bowl three times, and I loved it more each time. We watched it when we were in Australia.

It was a great Super Bowl against two great teams and two great coaches. I really don't want to have a conversation about sports with you. Although, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, easy. You walked into my restaurant. Not the other way around. You asked, you screamed for me.

What's on the menu? It's on the menu. You don't like it. Fucking take a hike, lady. Do you know who you like, Justin James? Number 99 from the... Yeah, you don't have the right name. That sounds like a good guy.

Buffalo Bills? Wait. Justin James. He sounds like he fucking builds hot rods. You're thinking Jesse James. He's the one. He was on that. Wait, I'm going to look it up.

He's the one. I was just looking at it. Justin Timberlake? No. I think you're outside your element. I was just looking at an Instagram of his because he was showing a picture. That's why you're so pretty. He was...

He had this big scar on his thigh or something. What's his name? I don't know, Nia. Anyway. Oh, Jesus Christ. So why did you have me come up here? Because I was giving you shit about all you... Wait, I'm looking up something.

Fast and loud is my fucking show and I like to see what they do. I know, honey. I know. But I don't know what happened to it. And you can also go online because they have everything online now. I don't do that. You don't do that? Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that not you watching people slap fight each other on YouTube? Yeah, that's what I use it for. For like an hour and a half. I'm not going to watch it for a quality piece of entertainment. Someone wants to slap somebody in the face. Hey, how funny was that lady, the big fat lady on the tricycle? Give me that toot toot. Give me that beep beep.

She was singing the R. Kelly song and then she fucking tips over it in the end. It was fucking great. No, it was a football player on the cover of the fucking ESPN magazine. Who played in the... Oh, wait. Who did we play in the... Seattle. Seattle.

Do you realize what you're doing to listeners right now? Is that when Katy Perry was on? Did the halftime show? I'm sorry. I know you hate me right now. I know you hate me so much right now. You got to leave. You got to leave.

You're done. Why? Because that was all... We're not going to answer questions? No. No fucking egg McMuffin or something. Give me your water. All right.

Get out of here. Out. All right. Hold on a minute. You're taking up time here. You're taking up time. Can you hear this cereal? This guy.

This guy. What guy? This guy. I don't know who that is. I don't know who that is. Oh, J.J. Watt. Oh, yeah. From the Texans.

All right. There you go. Yeah. All right. Shut the door. Get me some water though. Come back. Jesus Christ.

Yes. You're... I'm a man. I asked you to do something. You're a woman. You go and you do it and you don't ask questions. Bill, I swear to God. Oh, God.

So anyway, it's like I was saying. They're sitting there bitch-moaning and complaining about all the stuff they don't have. Really? Really? You know? And it's like you fucking outlive us. Really? You outlive us.

What are you giving me water for in a shot glass? Come on, Nia. Don't be a douche. Well, you know what? You have a birthday coming up. I know exactly what I'm getting you. Big bag of Fritos. You're an asshole.

Just put it in a juice glass. All right. So anyways. Yeah. So they're always bitch-moaning and complaining about what they don't have. Right? You know, do they have a look around and see what they do have? A whole fucking platoon of shoes.

Huh? That that guy paid for. I'll tell you what I have. Right? A douche bag for a husband. Oh, snap. 12 to 6 right there, baby. Hey, Nia, do you know why I make more an hour than you?

Because I'm better than you. Because I'm worth more than you. Think about it, Nia. Think about all the great inventions. Think about all the great stuff that makes your life simple. Has a broad invented one of them? Has any of them stopped running their yap for more than three seconds to even invent the fucking can opener?

You know what? That's actually a great question. Let's go to broadinventions.org. Let's see. Let's see what the ladies, women inventors. I'm going to tell you what you guys invent. Skippy peanut butter. Marie Curie.

Huh? You know what? Your mics turned down for a reason. All right. Here we go. Women inventors. There we go. You are so lame.

Do you know how fucking lame you are with this fucking premise that you have been squeezing dry for the last ten years of your career? Your mic's back on. You've been squeezing this dumb premise dry for the last ten years of your career. What do you have for breakfast? What do you have for breakfast? What do you have for breakfast? What do you have for breakfast?

What do you have for breakfast? A nice big bowl of feminism. Yeah. Well, you know what? That fucking chauvinism paid for that bowl of feminism. Famous women inventors. Oh, good. Are you actually going to learn something and not talk out of your ass?

This should be good. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, this is going to be a quick read. This should be good. This is going to be a quick read. No, it's not actually. Look at all these people here. It's like 12 names.

You're going to fall asleep before you get past the first two lines on there. There's more guys on the clippers than there's fucking women inventors. Mary Anderson, Barbara Askins. That takes care of the A's. Patricia Billings, Marion Donovan, Sally Fox. Well, what the fuck? Do you think I'm serious? Yes.

Let's see. Mary Anderson. Anyone who's ever driven in a rain or a snowstorm. You really need to get a new bit though. Seriously. You really need to get a new bit. What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.

What? I didn't trash women once my last special. I didn't. But what's happening right now? You still come and wait. You're circling the wagon back around to the same guy. I have the sniffles. I don't feel good.

This is comfort food for me. Oh, this is comforting to you. Oh, you know what? This is comforting to you. That is so sad. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. Miss Enlightened.

Miss Enlightened. What did Mary Anderson invent? I don't know. I never claimed to know. What did Barbara Askins invent? I don't know. The Post-It. Is that true?

No. Oh. How about Patricia Billings? I don't. You call yourself a feminist and you don't know your starting lineup. That's not. You want me to name the fucking Patriots Offensive Line? Because I'll fucking do it.

No, I really don't. Sally Fox. Do anything regarding sports. Yeah, I don't know what, just because that doesn't mean that I would know every female. That doesn't make any sense. You don't know any of them. How about Beth Nesmith Graham? Didn't Marie Curie invent something?

I'm going to name all the names on this list and I want you to tell me what one of them did. Dr. Temple Grandin. Oh, oh, yes. She was the woman who invented the thing for cows. So when they were going to slaughter, they wouldn't be freaking out like sort of like a little pressurized thing that's on them because she had like autism or something like that. You got some of it. The thing that usually amazes people about most about prolific woman inventor Dr. Temple Grandin is not all the great strides she has made to improve animal handling devices. You nailed it.

No other fact that she earned a PhD in animal science. Why is that amazing? You know what? You are such a fucking douchebag. You can't give it up even when it's in front of your face in black and white. Well, I don't like how when you guys. I'm sick of you. Why wouldn't you guys do shit that we do?

It's suddenly amazing. You know what? Goodbye. You guys drove a garbage truck. You drove a garbage truck down the street to be a lifetime movie. Over and over and over again. John Mass promises that you've been doing for the last 10 years. Oh, shut up.

You need a new bit. You know I like it. You know I like it. Come on. You're being a baby about this. I'm not being a baby. You're being a jerk. Hey, I'm breaking my balls.

You're getting all fresh down there. I know who she is because there was an HBO movie about it. Star and Clear. Oh, there you go. Star and Clear means. God knows you can't sit down and read. All right. Really, Bill?

What was the last book you read? And fucking Stephen Adler's biography doesn't count. I think that might have been the last one. I read the Ferri 2014 book. All right, whatever. So you know, so you guys, you know, you got a nice little list here. Oh my gosh. What?

I can't believe you felt the need to go online as if to somehow wait. Did women invent things? Like what is wrong with you? I really have to keep asking that question. Hey, is it because you're a 46 year old white man from Boston? Like, is it? Can I really just distill it down to your stats? Can I ask you a question?

No, you can't. I want you to name some women inventors. Temple grading. I keep saying Marie Curie. Didn't she invent? Yeah, you're talking all this shit. Like I can't believe a blah, blah, blah, blah. You don't even have the bullets in your gun.

You're over there. You're shooting blanks. I don't need to have bullets in my gun. I know you don't. All you got to do is start bitching and everybody listens to you. I'm smart enough to know that you're a broad. You're the one going online like a prehistoric. Don't blow your nose into the microphone.

Jesus. How are you still sick anyway? Hey, listen, because I'm up all night trying to find something you guys did. If anybody takes this fucking seriously, go fuck yourselves. You know, somebody's going to take a little clip of this and set it to some fucking site and I'll get in trouble. Yeah, whatever the fuck they are. Oh my God, let's just focus.

Let's just focus on the night. Yeah, I sort of got when I went to India and I saw that toddler take a ship between two parked cars that fucking I don't. I'm sad. Yeah, I don't want to hear people complaining. She's sitting there with a brooch. You're wearing a brooch. That's more than that kid will ever have.

What is your problem? I'm talking all whenever those women get on TV, start complaining. And they start dressing like fucking Eleanor Roosevelt. Don't they put on a wool suit? When's the last time you saw anyone wear a brooch? That wasn't like. I thought the people in Canada were wearing it, but it had to do with World War One veterans.

I thought that was a brooch and I got a bunch of shit about that. Fucking out of your age. Thankfully the Canadians are very forgiving people. You know, you give them a couple of donuts down at Timmy Hoves and they're fine. Who do you like for the Stanley Cup, Nia? The Bruins. Oh, geez. We didn't make that.

The L.A. Kings? Go Kings, go. Neither one of them. You're all for two. Oh, those L.A. Kings game you went to were fun though. They were. I did enjoy it. You did.

I was very surprised at how enjoyable it was. I'm glad we won. There you go. You know, if I said the same thing about women inventors, I'd be a fucking chauvinist. I don't understand how me going to a hockey game for the first time is like you pretending to not know. Humor. It's called humor.

Oh. Okay. It's called a joke. Well, thanks for explaining that, Bill. Oh, okay. Thank God you're here to explain things. Thanks God a man is here to explain things to a woman. Oh, look at you trying to turn it around.

What will we do without you? What are you trying to turn it around? It's okay. You didn't understand it. It's okay to not understand things. Where are the questions for this week's podcast? Uh-huh. I don't think we're up to that point yet.

I don't even have the advertising yet. Oh, I was going to say, have you read your advertising horribly yet? You know, Nia, every time you make fun of me, you're just making fun of yourself. Why is that? Because you married me, you dope. I married you because I love you. Be nice to me on the podcast. All right.

All right. That's it. Can you give me some fucking water and a real glass? I did. A real glass. Okay. I know. Minimal fucking effort.

You probably want the same amount of an hour for this, right? That a bus boy would do and he'd bring me a fucking bus boy would bring over a full glass like a man. All right. Easy kicks. All right. There we go. Jesus Christ.

Anyways. Nia, you outlive us. All right. Oh, by the way, I'm performing down at the comedy store. Ladies! I'll be down the... Somehow it's still... It's not fucking long enough.

Oh, you wanted a regular glass. Yeah, I wanted a regular glass. No. What's the matter? Did you start thinking about dresses on the way to the kitchen? It's been an extra douche this week, but you know what? I'm enjoying it. All right.

I'm going to be down the comedy store hosting in the main room at 8.30 this Wednesday. There's only a few tickets left and you... Yes, you could be one of the lucky people to come down and watch the... More to Love, Bill Burr. Take the fucking stage at the comedy store on 8.30. It's an all things comedy show and it's a powerhouse lineup and all of that type of stuff. And I got a bunch of new bits that I'm really excited about doing. And you know...

Who's on the show? Oh, I don't know. Fucking Neil Brennan, Al Madrigal, a bunch of beast. You know, what do you want from me? What do you want from me, Nia? I want you to address the issues that are important in society. The ones that affect me. Fuck everybody else.

All right. Where the hell are we? I'm trying to see what the fuck I would... I don't even know how to do this Twitter thing. I'm trying to see where the hell I am. My thing? It gives a fuck. Anyways, yeah.

I don't know who the fuck's on the show. It's going to be a great show. But come on down. How was that? Was that good? Also, people have been asking me, hey, Bill, I really like some of those posters you've had on your recent tours. Are there any leftovers?

Why? Yes, yes, there are. The first batch of leftovers. Those things will go fast, I hope. I have some posters left over from my Southern tour. The Billy Bible Belt tour. And they're all autographed. And they make a great gift for somebody you don't really give a fuck about.

Oh, my shit does. Because it's always 20 bucks. So you got 20 bucks. Go fuck yourself. Frame it. Make a fucking night of it. Just get out of my house. Those will go on sale on Wednesday.

And then the Boston ones we were coming on sale, I think whenever the fuck I get those back, I got about 100 or so of those left. So anyways, there we go. I don't have any goddamn... I don't have any reads for this week. This is a very... What have I?

Everybody's got the day off, right? Why do I have to try this week? All right? I just got myself in all kinds of trouble. Oh, here's the live reads. I got it. I got it. Look who's here, everybody.

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All right. Well, I guess I'm going to have to do a. Oh, so how about that fucking ducks blackhawks serious. That's incredible, huh? I was really, I was really psyched at the blackhawks one game, two, I mean, game, make it two, two, sorry, game four, only because I want to see that thing go seven games because it's just hockey at the highest level. And what is that?

It's like this thing that happened during some game. What happened? Oh, I was looking at his other leg. No, no, the one with the big bruise on. Oh, go back to two. This is a. JJ Watts. Yeah.

What happened? That's a bruise? Yeah. From what? Getting hit? Throwback to when this happened in the first half of the bills game. I don't know. He slid on something.

I don't know. I've never played football. I think he got hit. Dude, his legs look like these 80. Anyways, yeah. Am I here? Yes. Hey, listen, obviously I think a woman should make what a guy makes.

Okay. But you guys need to let your fucking hair down. Let a guy say some dumb shit every once in a while without getting all fucking, you know, I don't employ anybody. Fucking relax. You know, I can't wait for you guys to make as much as we make. Maybe once you go into a bar and maybe throw down a fucking C note and buy around. How do you know I haven't bought around a drinks for somebody?

Because I've known you for 10 years. Yeah. Buying me a drink. Yeah. After all I do for you is a fucking joke. Okay. You're throwing a nickel into an ocean here. All right.

What else do I do for you? I'm talking about. That's not. Have you ever just walked into a fucking bar, slammed down a fucking C note and just bought around a drinks for people because you're having a great fucking. Have you ever done it? No. I don't even.

I don't even know. Have you ever done that? Yes. Throw down a C note just because you were having a great fucking day. Hey, drinks are made. I got one thing. And the bar goes like that. Like that.

I got one for you. You've really done that. I want to. I want to speak easy. Which is never a speak easy because it's legal, but they had its design in when we were in Denver. Me and Jason Lawhead, we go in there. We're going to go to the Broncos.

So it's like the first game of the NFL season. That'd be weird. Don't be them when they won the Super Bowl. Anyway. Oh, because it was against the Steelers in the end one. I can't fucking remember. Whatever. We went to the bar.

So we go to the bar and shut up. So we go to the bar and they had, they had this. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it was like 60 years old. Okay. All right. I don't know what it was. Whatever you can have, everything else turns to like fucking vinegar. What couldn't be like 60 years old?

I don't know. I don't know. So whatever. It was like fucking like 90 bucks a shot. So I just had a great run of dates and I said, fuck it. I said, Lawhead. I said, what are you doing? He goes, dude, you can't do that.

I go, fuck that. Come on. First game of the NFL season. It gives a shit. Government's taking all my money anyways. Let's do that. Right. So the bartender, I see it.

He goes, oh my God. He's like, that's like the greatest mean people at the bar bartender. He's a young kid. We want to do this shot. And I said, all right, I go and buy you a shot too. He goes, no, no, no. I can't do that. I can't do that.

And whatever his name was, I was like, Doug, yes you can. So then he said, all right, he goes, this is the thing. Can I split the shot with two of the other barbeques? I said, yeah, there you go. There's my hundred bucks. I threw it down. We all, we all took a sip and it was one of the great experiences I've ever had drinking anything in my fucking life.

So there you go. Congratulations. You know what, that was classic right there. Female shit. Well, you just said, did you ever do it? I gave you a fucking example. And then rather than saying, like, oh, I stand corrected. You then say, I stand corrected.

You're right. You went in, you threw it down. You gave everybody a good time. Yeah. Great. Do you think that's an isolated incident? I don't know. There was no, there wasn't the amount of money that could be in our bank, the amount of money

that could be in our bank account, but isn't because I'm such a great fucking guy. It's ridiculous. Well, I'm glad everyone is getting to see what a great guy you are. And they're not completely basing an understanding of it. This is what happens when you marry a smarty. Even when you get them, they fucking wiggle their way out of it. All right. Let's read some questions.

All right. Let's get some questions before you go to your fucking Sally Field meeting. You're going to go to a meeting this week. Is that a normal rate reference? Yeah. Hold up a union sign. You're so funny. Sally Field.

Sally Field. She made a sign. It was so amazing. Come to Brazil. Hey, Bill. Hey, man. I know. Hey, man.

I don't exactly know how it works, but I think you're a really talented and hilarious comic. Well, it's nice to know someone in this fucking side of the world does. My friends and I have seen most of your shows available online and we love it. I believe you have a real market opportunity in Brazil. Have you ever considered coming here? Anyways, keep up the good work. Car in LA question mark. Hello.

That's the next one. Oh, that's the next one. Oh, sorry. I thought that was them signing off. So dumb. Yeah. I mean, I would go to Brazil. Yeah.

I didn't say I was taking you. There you go. Huh? No, you go. You go. You go to Brazil. You deserve it. You're so fucking, you know.

Thank you. Abused in this country. You poor women. I mean, Jesus Christ to me, all the stuff that we do to you. It's just got, it's got to be horrible living in your four bedroom garrison colonials. Having the list. How do you do it? How do you talk about women?

How do you American women do it? How do you fucking handle? Well, I'll tell you, Bill, it's not devastating. It's not easy. Bed, bath and beyond every fucking 20 feet. Bed, bath and beyond. Really? Oh, come on.

That's what that's what makes us happy. That's your Buffalo Wild Wings. You know what it is. You guys love going in there buying shit. I also like Buffalo Wild Wings. I know you do. You like anything that costs money. Oh, all right.

Car in LA. That's the end of that question. It's just, if you're going to come to Brazil. They just look, this is how it happens. This is how it happens. You should go to Brazil. And then somebody else says, yeah, I'll go, you know, I'll go down there for one of the Grand Priests.

They have a Grand Prix there. I didn't know. What about Carnival? I'm not going to go down there watching everybody shaking their asses. Oh, really? Because you would have just such a hard time watching a bunch of hot Brazilian women. Exactly. Making, shaking their asses.

I would have a hard time. I'd have a very hard time. I'd be standing there like Ron Burgundy. My fucking slacks erection. I don't know. I would. Oh, fuck you, Nia. All right.

Car in LA. Hello, Billy Biceps. No, I never got into that whole fucking thing going. I'm fucking, you know, they'll go to Amsterdam. You could walk into a fucking whore in the window. Well, I don't think Carnival is like that. It's just, it's like everyone's like dancing and celebrating. Yeah.

Walking around with their asses hanging out. It's not like going into the red light district in Amsterdam though. As far as I can tell, Brazil is like, what's like your capital there? Rio? Is it Rio? I have no idea. I don't know. But from what I've heard, from my friends, it's one big red light district.

That's just where they went. Oh, that's because your friends were animals and they just went there for the, we know what, that's something different. They went there to, you know, experience the culture. Experience the legalities that are afforded to women who aren't allowed to. How much fun was this podcast before you got here? Oh, right. All right.

Billy Biceps, really. Billy fucking grandma, the arms. Now that I've kissed your ass a bit, make sure you work on those triceps. Those are the real beach muscles. Like I go to the beach. I got a question to throw your way. Good lord, dude. That's what I figured, you know, get to it.

I have been working in the TV industry and I'm loving it. I have applied for a gig out there in LA and wouldn't mind hearing a rant about what it is like to live out there. I love biking everywhere. The one with the pedals and everyone tells me that I move, that if I move out there, I will need a car. Bullshit. But for real, what are your thoughts?

I like electric cars. Is that practical? Thanks for an average podcast at Best. Go fuck yourself. Oh, Jesus. This guy. This guy. All right.

Hang on a second. I can't blow my nose in the mic. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Got all of that one. Gross. You know what, Nia? You think you can do better?

You think you can find a better balding fat freckled redhead? You go out, you go do it. I don't know why you keep saying that. You're not fat. You fucking see this? Look at that. You think you look great. You know something, Nia?

You're not helping me. Classic comedian response. No, you're not helping me. Can't take a compliment. I don't look great. I'm a fat fuck right now. Rather stay in the self-loathing space. Bullshit.

If you don't look good, I don't tell you you look good. You know? Okay. If you noticed in 2009, I didn't say a fucking thing to you. All right. Yeah, you can bike everywhere, but it's really dangerous. There's a lot of frosted bicycles out here. And now there's this weird thing where they just drew a bicycle in the middle of the street.

And all the people on bikes go, see, that's a bike lane. It isn't. What it is is you get money from the federal government if you just spray paint a bike on the street. Is that true? Yeah, that's why they do it. Because it doesn't really feel like it's always a proper lane. It's just like a little section onto the side.

It's not a lane. They put it like a third of the way out into the road. And then these people on bicycles are like, I have a right to be out there. And it's like, of course you do. Absolutely. But when there's a car behind you, just get over to the right and let us get past. There's such fucking assholes. They go out there and they dress like they're in a bike race and they won't get the fuck

out of the way. So don't be one of those guys. You know what happens is if they get hit, it's a fucking tragedy. It's like, no, you're a moron who's riding a bicycle. Like I stopped riding a motorcycle out here. It was insane to be on a motorcycle and I'm going as fast as fucking cars. Now you're going to be out there on a bicycle, which is basically a motorcycle without a motor.

Right. Yeah, you're out of your mind. You can definitely bike out here. People bike all the time. New York City, you can. New York City is incredible. Maybe don't rely on your biking to and from work and stuff when you come out here. Now what you have to do is you got to go down the side streets.

You got, you got, you got to figure out a way to serpentine, but I would not drive, go down sunset or Santa Monica or Melrose, Beverly, all the main ones, Highland, La Brea, uh, Kowanga, uh, Fairfax, Crescent Heights, La Cienega, Doheny. Tell them how wonderful it is to live out here. Third Avenue, Wilshire. Third Street. There you go. Third Avenue.

I'm talking about Santa Monica. Third Street. No, those are avenues out there. Third Street. Like Third Street, Promenade. Third Street, Promenade. Yeah. Not Third Avenue.

But then down, down the way here is Third Avenue. Okay. It isn't. I don't know. Just talk to him about how great it is to live out here. That's great. We're running out of water. There's baby seals washing up onto the shore because the oceans are fished out.

It did kind of rain today, I think maybe got real cloudy. It's very overcast. It's very overcast. It's really overcast. Are you taking me to see Ex Machina today? What is that? The movie that I want to see. Oh, the robot movie?

About the robot, yeah. That and Mad Max. One of the other. Both. Both movies starring women. God knows you guys will complain or something. Yeah, but the trailer, if you had a penis, you'd be bigger. I just like breaking your fucking balls because everybody just sits there going, oh my God,

everything you say is so valid. Did you talk to him about the electric car? Because I know you've been wanting to get an electric car. Oh, the electric car? No, I mean a Tesla. It's super expensive though, no. I don't know. We?

Super expensive. No. Well, there's two Teslas. Elon Musk. The S type that has one electric motor and that moves the rear wheels like the old days and then they have the new one. I forget what it's called, but that has two motors. One for the front and one for the back.

And what's amazing about electric power from what I've been looking is that the torque is instantaneous. How have you say it? Like 691 pounds of torque at zero RPMs. Like immediately, I think that's why I can't have a transmission because it would rip the fucking gears right out of it. But then I don't understand how I don't, I've never seen the inner workings of it. So how does it turn the wheels and not fucking, you know, rip those things to shreds? When I was looking on the website, they have all these diagrams and videos and stuff. Oh, I got it.

I got to look at it. It's amazing. And you can, at this point, you can drive across the country with the one that has two motors because you're going to drive it like a maniac. They get like 150 miles before you gotta, you know, recharge it. And then the S1, you get like 200 something or whatever. But all I know is, you know, the average person, you know, you're not going on a fucking road trip. I mean, 150 miles for a lot of people is like three, four days of work.

You come home every day, you charge it like a cell phone. And then you never have to go to a gas station again. And right now the golden age of electric cars, the recharging is free. You know, eventually that's not going to be free. The only issue I had though, when I was looking at the website, they have a map because you can put in your zip code and it'll tell you where all the charge stations are. And like, they're all at hotels. And it's like they're for hotel guests only.

Like there's one at the W. No, but if you get the car, you'll have one at your house too. Oh, right. Well, that makes sense. Yeah. Then you see the people down the street with that thing plugged in. And they have them at the mall, like all the malls and everything like that. They've got them everywhere.

So I don't think it's impractical. No, not at all. It's nice. And evidently they're popping up like, they're multiplying. But everybody I know that has one. Everybody that doesn't have one is nervous about getting one. Like, oh my God, what if it just shuts off? And I got to talk about it.

But everybody know that has one says they fucking ear to ear grin. Who has one that you know? I want to write one. I want to see what it's like. Bunny Mind that plays drums has one. Another Bunny Mind comedian has one. Okay. I'm not going to say what I'll tell you afterwards.

Okay. I've driven one. And I just drove the one that has the motor in the back. It was the fastest fucking car I ever drove. It was sick. That's cool. You just step on it and it's just into the seat flying. It's amazing.

The only thing I didn't like though is the center console on the dashboard. It's like this huge iPad. Yeah, super sized iPad. I feel like it would be really distracting. I wouldn't want a shade to pull down. Yeah. And it's like, you can go online. It's like, but why do you need to be doing that?

I don't want to do that. You're driving. If anything, you use it for like the radio and... Well, they're constantly sending you out. Like you get in the car and they'll just beam you updates. Yeah. The car is updated. That's distracting.

That's not... No, no, no. You get there and it's just updated. Like, oh, this is cool. Oh, okay. Do you know they have a thing where the new... You know, all the new cars are suspension like the Corvettes and stuff. You can have like, you know, regular suspension, sport suspension, super sport, whatever the

fuck you want to call it. You can have like sports suspension and then their next one is just called insane. It's kind of stupid, but I actually kind of like it. All right. Where am I going here? Jesus, did you watch any of the Cavaliers game? You know that I didn't. Oh my God.

Everybody in the Cavaliers limping around like they're playing soccer, making all these faces and shit. I don't understand. You barely step on a guy's toe and you see a mountain of a man just crumpled to his knees. And then he wins the game and then LeBron immediately is like, oh, camera's on me. Let me crumple down to the floor. And then he said this shit where they go, uh, you know, how was the game? Whatever.

He goes, he's like, well, if I'm going to be a leader of this team, even if I'm hurt, I need to step up. It's like, are you writing what they're supposed to be saying? He is really good at media. He's really good at media. He really isn't. That's how he got in trouble the first time. I'm taking my talents to South Beach, but these kids today, they all grew up on fucking

sports in it. So they speak in sound bites and then the fucking, the animals on sports centers just repeating them to back in the day. Nobody ever fucking said shit like that. Moses Malone, you fucking had 90 rebounds and 50 points. How'd you do that? And he's like, I just goes to the rack. That's it.

Larry, you guys lost by 20. What happened? Yeah, we played like a bunch of sissies. That was it. And we was joking about that with Lawhead. If he said that today, he'd have to fucking go to stop calling people sissies.net and apologize. What is your comments on Larry Bird's hateful statements? All right.

So yeah, I would get elected. There's the Chevy Volt. There's a bunch of things if you want to get something like that. But I think you'll really get into cars out here because you live in them. Speaking of which, I get my truck back tomorrow. So what was going on was the, there was a spring on the clutch that was touching the exhaust. So that was the only problem. Thank God.

So there's nothing wrong with the clutch or anything in the transmission. All right. Oh, I might, if any point, if you want to fucking walk out, you asshole. All right. Baseball season. Bill, is it me or is baseball in a rut? There's nothing exciting going on. No great pitching performances.

No exceptional bats. Did you check out any socks games when you were back in Boston? I can address all of that. You probably came of age during the steroid era. I'm actually loving it. I think baseball is back to the way it should be. I love the KC. Born?

It was, you don't like any sports? I feel like baseball is especially, I don't know, it just can be a little. It doesn't appeal to you. It's not like, I guess, I don't know, is that lame though? I mean, is baseball really an amazing sport? I'm not giving it enough of a chance because I feel like basketball games, I like to go to hockey games. Maybe because it's just constantly fast paced. The ball is in play.

It seems like there's always action going on. The ball is in play, yeah. Okay. Maybe that's it. Yeah. You got to settle into baseball once you understand a little more what's going on. It's like cricket. I thought cricket was the dumbest thing I ever saw.

And then when I started learning some of the rules, it's actually really kind of cool. Oh, okay. Whatever. But if it's, you know, some sports just aren't for you. Like for the life of me, I sat down and after everything was done. Remember when you came home last night? You're like, why are you watching the rich kids of Beverly Hills? Yeah.

It was because the basketball was done. The baseball was done. The hockey was done. And I put on some soccer. I would have a football and I tried watching it. Of course I put it on and there's some guy laying on the ground crying and everybody's sitting there and oh, you know, flapping their arms around like the biggest tragedy just fucking happened.

It just bores me to tears. I love MMA. That's my favorite sport at the moment. Okay. I like that too. All right. So whatever. Okay.

Also, I want to say that despite you getting shit for sticking up for Brady, you always really, you're always really kind to most teams when they win. You congratulate teams that beat your teams. I don't know why you get so much shit. Are you allowed to hate the Canadians in Alabama or whichever team it is down there? You trashed. Thanks for getting for the laughs. Oh, I had somebody fucking noticed like I didn't trash the Canadians too much for fucking

illusion. How could I? We didn't even make the playoffs. But I got to tell you that Tom Brady's suspension is a fucking tragedy. Oh, and all the people that spoke up John Elway go, you know, you got to follow the rules. Really, John Elway? Like when you get drafted, you fucking show up.

He didn't. The guy gets drafted and he goes, oh, I'm not going to play with the Colts. The Colts suck. Trade me. John, that's not how it works. Well, fuck you. Then I'm going to go play baseball. All right, John.

That guy came in breaking fucking rules and he's going to turn around and say that shit off. God fuck all of these fucking people. It's ridiculous. Fucking NFL doesn't even pay taxes for goddamn 70 fucking years. You're a nonprofit. Oh my God, the fucking horseshit. Four games in the air.

The guy who dropped, he punched a woman in the head, got fucking two games until the video got out. Oh, wait a minute. We mean, we don't tolerate that here. All right. Worst pickup line ever. Yeah. Worst.

Oh, that one. That one you respond to, right? Because that involved the lady. God, you're selfish. Worst pickup line ever. Bill, heard you talking about bad pickup lines. Me and my friends do this all the time. One night we were trying to think of the worst pickup lines to open up to a girl with.

Dude, that's some of the funnest nights you ever have. It's just saying the worst shit. Just watching you guys. It's fun for you guys. Yeah. It's not about you. Then why are you saying it to us? It isn't all about you.

Why don't you just say it to each other then? Listen, Nia, if you fucking told me. You're trying to involve us in your fucking dumb, your dumb like, oh, I'm trying to come up with the worst pickup lines ever. That would be hilarious. Like, why don't you just do it for each other? Why do you have to bring us into it? Nia, if you did that something like that to guys with your lady friends there, I would

think it was funny. Please. If you just started fucking with guys, it'd be funny. I, I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. I don't know. I haven't tried to throw out lines to anybody in a bar in fucking 11 years.

So maybe I'm a little out of practice. Worst pickup line ever. All right. Blah, blah, blah. Sorry, Nia. You want to leave on this one? Because it's so fucking annoying. All right.

What night? I'm already annoyed by the question. I don't even know what it is. But go on. One night. We're trying. He said he sent this on his cell phone. We're trying to think of the worst pickup lines to open up to a girl and trying to be

as creepy as possible, stumbled onto approaching a girl and opening up with the line of, so how old were you when you got your period? Oh, Jesus Christ. Why? You sound like a fucking pedophile. You know why? So how old were you when you got your period? What?

I can explain it in one. No, I don't want you to explain it. Two words. Two words. I'm a mature jackass. Apocalypse now. Apocalypse now. The horror.

What is the rest of this jackass? This is like a 20-year-old person and not a man in his 30s. That knows better. I don't know who this is, but I love him because he's fucking annoying you. Did this as a goof with four different strange women. Oh. When I said it to a few of the girls I knew first as a joke, of course, and something surprising happened, they started telling me about it, unfazed by the creepy inquiry.

It's almost like they've been waiting to talk about it forever. Oh, yeah. We are just waiting forever to talk to some strange asshole in a bar about the first time we got our period. Are you fucking insane? And who are you talking to? Drunk sorority bitches? They don't count?

Sorry. Okay. You're yelling at this man's just sharing his experience. Sorry. Ha ha, he says. Yeah, exactly. I'm not saying you should actually use this as a pickup line, but I will say. I really thought you were seriously suggesting this.

Oh, you got it going here. But I will say that it opened up a long conversation with four different girls. I didn't know and even became friends with one of them. I don't know what that means, but it seems pretty surprising to me that they weren't completely creeped out. I figured they'd be creeped out or leave or call the cops or something. Anything but what actually happened. Story qualifiers.

This line was delivered in a joking yet interesting tone, interested tone. And these were some presumably trashy girls at one of the trashiest bars in America. Parentheses from Indianapolis. So don't try it on a girl at a bar at the Plaza Hotel. This is more of a motel six bar swooner. So he basically had a bar like confirm my point, which was like, you know what he did. You're saying this too. You know what he did.

The girls would be like, Oh my God. Actually, I was fucking 14. Right. And I thought I was like, it's so old and it's like, I felt really bad about myself. But then like my mom, are you done? That is totally normal. And it's like, I can't believe you even ask me this because most guys are so grossed out by it. Can we make out?

Yeah. Dummies. Do you know what he did? Yeah. Because any grown woman. All right. With half a goddamn fucking brain cell. Even if you're like, so no, but seriously, when did you get your period would look at

you like the fucking immature jackass more than that you are and walk away from your ass. You know, the fact that I'm even wasting my breath on answering this ridiculous thing just goes to show you. Shut up. I was all this guy. I was getting a little ahead of myself. I didn't really have anywhere to go after that. All this guy did was he went out and he had a little bit of fun.

Well, isn't that just sweet boys? Just being boys, a little, a little rap scallion. Is it okay? Get out of here. You scamp. Is it okay for us for boys to be boys? Is it okay for us to do that? Or do you have a problem with that?

No, no, not at all. Is there a problem when girls be girls? What happens to you guys? Something horrible that we need to understand. Apparently men ask us when was the first time that we had our period. You know something. Anyway, but let me ask. I just want to ask this guy a question.

I wanted to hang out with you today. I don't anymore. So what did he learn in all of this? Okay. So fine. I'll relax. I'll relax. He was just being silly and trying to be creepy and trying to have a good time.

Fine. But like, so these women. I'm sorry, everybody. About their period. But what did they actually say? Sorry. How come I didn't? What did you actually learn anything about a woman's menstrual cycle?

Well, you shut up. Like they're supposed to learn something. He's just fucking around. So why did he even write it? Write it in then. I'm just trying to understand the point. Because this is the point. The point is, is we go out and we have to try to fucking convince you guys to have sex with

us. It's up to us to fucking come up with some sort of line. And it's a fucking terrible... Do you think that is way of like trying to get somebody to have sex with him? No. What I'm saying is, Nia, when you're fucking coming out and your voice is changing and it's up to you to initiate the thing, it can be for a lot of guys, it's a very intimidating thing.

So to get to the point in basically not giving a fuck. This is like a stand up comic who's no longer afraid of the crowd and can handle himself. And actually can dig a little bit of a hole, no pun intended, and maybe still be in the fucking game. All right? That's all he's doing here. He's having a good fucking time. Okay.

That's it. And he went into some shit hole fucking thing and he's having fun. Do you think he actually hooked up with these pigs? Maybe he did. Okay, but if he did, it's his dick and her fucking vagina, so stay out of it. Golly. Why don't I understand what the fuck, he's just having a little bit of fun here. No, I...

Listen, you just made a lot of good points. I know. So you don't got to go all Edith Wharton. Every fucking time a guy puts a smile on his face. Who's Edith Wharton, Bill? Edith Wharton's that lady who made the flag in the after in the late 1800s. No, she was married and she didn't like to be fucking married. We had to read the stupid ass fucking book in college.

And you know what? It's stunk. She was a feature act at best. All right, dollar shave club. No, you wrap a lot of good points. I rescind my ire in the last one. Okay? There you go.

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You wish he had done it sooner. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash Burr. What is it, Nia? DollarShave.com slash Burr. No. DollarShaveClub.com slash Burr. Oh, I'm sorry. You fail.

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Jesus Christ, that plane's only going to hit the fucking house. Well, Nia, I hope you enjoyed your time this week on the podcast. It's been a long time. Yeah. Brow beating. What are you talking about? You were on it last Thursday. For like a second.

This is the longest I've been on. Oh, guys. Is it ever enough? All right. Listen. Thank you guys. I was just saying I was on it for a second. I know, I'm fucking with you.

I'm fucking with you. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you for everybody for listening. Once again, I will be down in the comedy store this Wednesday at 830, hosting the All Things Comedy Network live standup show with a bunch of other comedians, Neil Brennan, Al Madrigal. Go to the fucking comedy store's website. Sorry.

They'll figure it out and figure out what's going on. That's the podcast. My next big tour. Why don't I give you that? I don't have a name for this one. I'm sorry to everybody, but it's going to be a West Coast tour. A fucking West Coast tour. Just sit right back in the here that tails.

It's going to start off in Portland, Oregon. And then I go to Oregon like, you know, I hear it's beautiful, not even like it. I'm going. I've always wanted to go to Oregon. Is it in Portland though? Yeah. I'm going to go to Portland. It's supposed to be really beautiful.

No. Oregon is not in Portland. Portland is in Oregon. Oh. Is that what you said? That's what I meant. Portland is not a state. That's what I meant.

Neither is Seattle. I understand that. Chicago. State or city? What? Chicago. Is that a state or a city? It's a state.

No, it's a city. Oh my. Wow. Oh my God. Oh my God. What? I know. I thought I was saying that to be insulting.

I know. Nashville. State or city? Yeah. That's because you watch the show. That's true. I love that show. What's the capital Buffalo?

The capital of Buffalo? Do you mean the capital of New York? I don't know. I don't know. Do I? What is it? It begins with an A. The capital of New York. Wait.

It's, oh my God. Oh my God. You only lived there for 10 years. Yeah. Look at this. You want to make the same amount of hours. Unbelievable. What is the capital of New York?

I really can't think of anything else. My mind is completely drawing a blank. Albany. Yes. Why not take Albany? Why did you say the capital of Buffalo? Did you fuck up though? No.

I was trying to trip you up. Oh, okay. Oh wait. So look at your, you're going to be in Portland, Oregon. The capital of Buffalo is Anchor Park. He's going to be in Reno, Nevada, June 20th. Santa Rosa, California. June 19th.

I'll be in Sacramento for some reason. I don't know that date up yet. Okay. June 21st. Santa Rosa. June 22nd. San Jose. June 23rd.

Fresno. Never been to Fresno. June 24th. Bakersfield, California. June 25th. Highland, California. Where is that? Is that obviously near Bakersfield?

It's in the inland empire. Oh, the IE. Bitch. Okay. At the San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino. And yes. June 26th and 27th. Vegas.

Baby. Yeah. At the Mirage. Yeah. Very excited. Okay. Tucson, Arizona. June 28th.

And then he's in Morial. On July 22nd. In July 23rd. There you go. For the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. That's right. And I'm working on a Toronto date in September. And then I'm also trying to put together a bus ride.

Toronto. Yeah. Running through six with my woes. Do you know what I'm referencing? Of course not. Fucking oldie shit. All right. Listen, I got to get on the right date.

Everybody tweet pill and tell him when I was just. Everybody was come. All right. Hey, thanks for listening. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. All right.