Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-25-23

Episode Date: May 26, 2023

Bill rambles about texting drivers, the subway in the 80s, and cable TV.   Helix:   Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR  ZipRecruiter:  Try ZipRecruiter for free at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR ButcherBox:  Sign up today using code BURR to receive Ground Beef for a Year + 20 dollars off your first order at www.ButcherBox.com SimpliSafe:  Go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off your order with Interactive Monitoring at www.simplisafe.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on in Spielberg? It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in. Just checking in all you. Yes. Hey, how are you? How's it going? Oh, did I want to fucking turn my car into a weapon today.

And just fucking rim into somebody. I gotta get one of those old school like fucking cop like push bars. You know those, there's two types of cunts. Well, there's a lot of cunts. But with the two types of cunts that were driving me nuts, I was in traffic. And I had to pick my daughter up from school. And, you know, I don't like being late.

So of course, you know that person that, like, when traffic starts happening, they put their hazard lights on. And then they do like 40 car lengths behind the person. I had that person, I got out of that lane, you know, and I'm like, all right, you know, that person is actually, you know, the most civilized that of everybody out here. Okay. And I'm just reacting to this person simply because I am panicking that I'm going to be late to pick up my daughter and she'll no longer love me and everyone will leave. I'm just catastrophizing in my head. So he's not really a cunt. I'm gonna be late to pick up my daughter and she'll no longer love me and everyone will leave. I'm just catastrophizing in my head. So he's not really a cunt. I'm really the, I'm impatient.

I'm fucking impatient, all right? Put the hazard lights really, we get it. You're a, what do you get? You got your insurance company. He has you on video, you cunt. Fucking, all right. I'm trying to be, you know, the big of man here, and then I get behind this douche in a fucking red Mercedes.

And he's doing that thing where he, now he's 10 car links behind because, but it's because he's staring at his fucking phone. And he's staring at his fucking, he literally has it like up in front of his face. You know what I mean? He's not even doing like, you know, the glancing down like your counting cards or whatever the fuck these cheats do and get the hands smashed by the guys at Casino, right? This guy is like, he has it held up in front of his face

like he's taken a selfie and he's letting car after car and so finally, I beep at him. What does he do? He puts his window down and then he's got his's got his hand like, oh, what the fuck? Yeah, we're in traffic. Like what is your fucking problem? So I mind you staring at your phone. So now he's you know, what does he do? He goes into extra key goes into on purpose cut mode On purpose cut mode. He starts fucking you know just slowing down. I'm like, oh, I see what you want.

You want me to lose my shit? I will not do that, sir. Or will not give you the satisfaction. I will let it stay in me for the rest of the day until I do my podcast. And then I'll fucking let it out when you don't see it. Sorry, this is all just petty shit. You know, like the level of people looking

at their fucking cell phones. And I judge all of them even though I do it too. You know, I'm more like trying to find a song. These people like look like they're, I don't know what they're doing. Face timing with loved ones they haven't seen in years. It's like really intense. Oh, so basically what you say in Bill is when other people do it, it's fucked up, but you're doing it because you love music. Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

I'm justifying my fucking behavior. Anyway, the music I've been listening to lately because I switched up my drum kit, where I have a small floor tom of 14 and then I just have like a 12 rack and oh my god the the the the tom's they're singing right now. I tune them up the other day and nice like just found that sweet spot and they just fucking it just perfect and just hearing things and it and creating patterns and all that, I'm kind of getting lost in it and it's been amazing. And I started listening to... I was playing this thing for my kids.

There's this album that Stan gets made with Bill Evans on piano. And it has, you know, a lot of like mid-level sortlevel jazz shit that I can kind of play along to. I was like, I went pretty good. Then I put on that Miles Davis cooking with Miles. Remember that year he put out like five albums, cooking with Miles, hanging with Miles, chilling with Miles, Miles with Miles. I don't know if he was just like fuck this record label. How many albums do I owe you? Four fantastic. And they just turned on the recording. I don't know if he was just like fuck this record label, how many albums do I owe you? Four fantastic and they just turned on the recording because I don't find any of them particularly, I mean with my ears, I don't find any of them,

anywhere near as good as I feel the shit that he did with Tony Williams right through Jack D's and that in the 60s. Like for me that is the period of Miles Davis that I want to listen to, that I will never get sick of. I love all of that shit. Like Miles Smiles, I love that album.

In a silent way, I love that album. You know, bitches, brew from in some fucked up mood, just putting that on. And just listen, it's shit. I just, I love sketches of Spain. I just love all of that stuff. I could, I could listen to that forever, that foreign more Alvmy always talk about. I could just listen to that stuff forever. And however, but people will tell me, oh, you want to learn how to play like jazz drum? Get, there's like, those four albums that Miles did. Just play along to that shit, keep in time and stuff,

and then stuff will start to make sense. And kind of what I like about jazz, Bill, what do you like about jazz drumming? I like it because I don't listen to the drummer where I listen to the band, where like in rock music, I'm kind of listening to the drummer to see what the fuck he's doing.

And then, because it's a repeated pattern or a fill of something like that. Where like jazz is just kind of the guys, you know, I don't have enough years left in my life to try and memorize every goddamn thing the person does. So it's just like, well fuck this guy, I'll just listen to the, I just said fuck this guy to Philly Joe Jones.

I'm gonna listen to the band and I was having a good got that time. All right, just an old bald ginger in his garage. Having a good time, but anyway, I'm just babbling here. Speaking of having a good time, your mother fucking Florida panthers just swept the Carolina hurricanes and everybody was saying was gonna stop whoever the fuck ran into him

After the Bruins shit the bed, but did the Bruins really shit the bed now? Okay, we beat him three fucking times. That's more than the Maple Leafs and the hurricanes can say can combine The Panthers lost three games in the first round, one in the second round, zero. In the third round, the Eastern Conference Finals, and I'll tell you, I've watched more fucking Panthers games in the last month than I've watched in the history of that fucking franchise.

And tonight's game I was already convinced that these guys are just gonna fucking win the cup. They're just gonna win the cup. That's it. That's just all it is. It's all it is. Just watching that fucking game tonight that's Sergei Bob Rausk, Brovski, whatever his fucking name is. I mean, even if they misses it, these fuckers still hit the post, the crossbar. I mean, this guy is blessed. I gotta say these guys name now.

That Gouda's guy's been killing everybody. Anthony Duclair, both Sam's, Reinhardt and Bennett. And of course, the engine Matthew Cuchuck. I mean, that just fucking relentless. And I don't understand. I said that they were gonna face what they have't faced in the first two rounds of the playoffs They were gonna face defense and I gotta be honest with you. They didn't I don't know what the fuck people are doing Standing around

This little poke check fucking bullshit that didn't work with the bronze didn't work with the Maple Leafs Didn't work through the first three fucking games of the Goddamn series and they're still doing it. Occasionally. I saw one time a guy lined somebody up on the hurricanes lined somebody up on Florida for a big hit. The guy actually avoided it on the Panthers but he completely disrupted them going into the zone. They turned the puck over and I'm sitting there watching the game going yet more of that More of that this fucking Backing into your zone and trying to poke the puck away is not fucking working and people continue to do it But I'll tell you they had a goal tonight

What was it? They they they stole it half wall and it was one two three four fucking passes like I was watching the goddamn globe trotters It's in the back of the neck the fucking hurricane show up The game is tied they tie it late three to three. It's going into overtime All right, I'm brushing out my daughter's hair and she's going dead dad as she says when is this over? I'm like, well, they just I don't know and then they the fucking they put the Panthers on the power plate I'm like well, it's now it's gonna end in the next 50 seconds because these fucking guys are relentless and and and and within regulation they came and they beat them to win the Eastern Conference final and

now they're off To just claim what is rightfully theirs. I am 100% sold on them. I don't know much about the Vegas Knights or who the fuck are they playing? Whoever beat the Kraken, the Dallas stars. I don't give a fuck about either one of those teams. If they're gonna show up through the Stanley Cup final and they are not going to get physical

with these guys, it's just it's fucking over. I'll be honest with you, I'm really confused as to what constitutes playoff hockey now. This is an astounding lack of physical contact just throughout the playoffs. I mean, it's good because I guess these guys aren't gonna get like, all that, whatever the fuck they call that shit and cephalitis, they call that shit. The stuff that fucks with your brain,

they're not gonna get it. So that's a good thing, but it's just, you know, it's just, I don't know, it's a different game. So what are you gonna do? Anyway, congratulations to them. They're just, they're actually like, I can't even explain, they're just, they're fun to fucking watch.

I'm sitting there going, I am, they'll forever be an expansive franchise to me. All right, they just are always gonna be that. And these motherfuckers are gonna win the Stanley Cup. And I don't know if enough people in Miami are even gonna realize it, you know? This is just gonna be a lot of shock people walking around with board shorts and bikinis

going, what is that duck boat doing driving down the fucking street with all those toothless lunatics? I don't know, I shouldn't say all this nice shit about it. I'm going to fucking jigsaw. But I don't give a fuck. What do I care? I think they're going to, I I think they're gonna, they're gonna breeze through the next round. If people are gonna continue to fucking just sort of back

into your zone and try to poke Chuck, check the puck away, I don't know, I don't understand why three rounds in a row watching that not work, they just continue to do it. But I, you know, I don't know. I feel like I'm taking something away from Florida by saying this shit like this, but I just, I'm confused. Like how many times do you want to fucking lose to this team? Like what you're doing is not working. Anyway, oh god, the Bruins just got physical with them. We could have beat him in fucking five games, six games.

We had two of the final three games, one, and then we went, oh, because we got that little, no, they just fucking skated by his escort, oh, what happened? What happened? Is there still time left on the clock? You fucking lunatics. All right, that's about as fair as I can be. Okay. You don't fucking put this

God damn thing on, you know, to listen to intelligence or or or or or or whatever. I want to thank everybody that said that they enjoyed the Paul. Paul Anke interview that I did. I want to thank Chef Hossiah and his team at Deer James for letting us use the restaurant and everything to shoot in there. People really, I've got so many nice compliments to me guys. I really appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And what a thrill to meet a show business legend like that. All right. And what else? Oh, I'm getting my new truck. real to meet a show business legend like that.

All right, and what else? Oh, I'm getting my new truck. I'm finally getting the clear wrap put on it and a little bit of tint. I'm very excited. I missed my truck already. And then my old truck, I'm getting some electrical work done on it. So I think that's kind of the final thing I have to do.

I have an aftermarket AC in there that anytime I, I gotta like turn like the heat on hot, which means the AC's on like just that dumb shit. I'm sick of fucking dealing with that. And then when I turn it on, I don't know what's going on, but like all of this dandruff comes flying out into my fucking face and I'm like, all right, I guess we're shutting this off now.

So I gotta get all of that taken care of. You know, if it's not one thing, it's another. You know? So anyway, let me see. Is there any reads here for this week? Is there any reads? All right, let's do some reads here. Where did they go?

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With Helix, better sleep starts now. All right, once again, maybe I have, I don't know, my internet sucks. The fucking internet, I mean, oh good, I need to have somebody young, look at what I pay a month on whatever that dish network shit is and what I pay for cable. And I know that they I probably pay $300 a month.

I know there's a better way to do this. I know there's apps and things, you know, I put it on my computer and then I beam it to the tee. I know there's a better way to do this. Oh man, I was gonna have Red Band do that before he moved to fucking Austin, Texas. He was like, dude, I'll come over here house. He goes, I did it to my, with, you know,

his mother or something was paying like an extra $200 a month that she didn't need to be paying. And he got on the phone and got the whole fucking thing knocked out. And I don't know. I have to be on some board at Direct TV where they just say, like, I have to be like a five star client under the heading. He still hasn't figured it out. He doesn't understand there's a cheaper way

to get the exact same package and we will never tell him. And it's going to be a picture of me and like five retirees in Sarasota, Florida that, you know, as far as like paying for cable a month or whatever the fuck I'm paying for, satellite feed, I have to be in the top five in Los Angeles, I would say. I think everybody knows a better way to do it than me, but what are you going to do? Speaking of that, I watched Glen Gary, Glen Ross with some friends of mine the other night.

I saw that in the movie theater and I had yet to, I don't know, I always love the movie. I just never went back and watched it. So, yeah, I was fucking watch that movie. Through Jack Lemon in that movie, I love how his character always blows up and then immediately dials it back. You know, he'll be like, he'll be like,

you cock sucker, come on, just give me the good leads. It's fucking amazing. And this scene with a guy that Al Pacino's character, he talks him in to right in the check. And then he's got to come back because his wife says, don't catch the check. And watching Pac's spin him around the room again. It's just like, ugh, it's just gut wrenching. It's such a gut wrenching scene to watch because all I see is the younger me.

I was one of the most gullible fuck, you wanna hear a fucking story? Is that what you want? I got one for you. I told this a long time ago I came down to New York City alright in 1994 okay just totally grown up grown up in the suburbs I didn't know shit I took a train to the port authority. I got out of the train, I'm walking up, and this dude goes,

yo man, you want a cab? You want a cab? And I was like, yes. And he goes, follow me. So I start following him. And we're going down like this dark thing. And everything in me is going like, don't follow him down there.

But I was old, Billy, nice head over and chair and like, well, I don't want to whoops at him. And I followed the guy. Thank God he didn't fucking kill me. He hailed the cab. And then he said, I owed him money and I'm going to tip him. Oh, I told this story before it was a long time ago though. And I had this story before. It was a long time ago though. And I had it. There's this Asian cab driver. He was trying to help me. I was like, he's going, no, no,

no, no, no, no, pay me. No, pay him. And the guy was jumping up down, took a 20 and ran away. And I got in the cab and I was immediately was embarrassed. And he goes, you don't pay him. You pay me. You just kept going, where you from? Where you from? I was just going like, oh my god, just wherever the fuck I was going. I think at that point I was crashing at some other comics because I was trying to get like stage time away. He said, kept going, where you from? Where you from? I was like, master true, since, and like, he just gave me the lay of the land. He goes, let me tell you something. He goes, he goes, somebody come up to you.

You tell them, get the fuck away. They still come up to you. You say, Lotto, get the fuck away. Where you from? The whole cab, right? It was fucking embarrassing, but I also appreciated the guy actually gave a shit about me. And then I was just like, all right. I, people can see that I am a sucker from a mile away.

So I immediately went to like one of those army navy surplus stores and just bought a bunch of shit that made it look like, you know, I was a way bigger problem than I was. And then I was not looking at anybody, but just was really paying attention to how to carry yourself on the subway. This is when, you know, all this shit that you hear and now that's going on in New York, starting to come back this was after the crack eighties, right is Giuliani was coming in. And you know, stuff happened on the subway that, you know, a lot of, you know, you know, there was a lot of exposure. A lot of shitting in public, a lot of male junk, homeless male junk is, you know, just a

lot of shit like that. I saw, I never really saw, um, saw a couple of fights, nothing fucking crazy. So, um, anyway, so I started dressing. I had a green army coat. I went to Travis Bickle. I fucking had a green army coat. I had this black hat that I was wearing. I remember walking into the cellar in this guy on stage, his comic on stage, going, Jesus Christ, sir, you look like you're ready to rob a fucking bank, and I was in Paris, but I was also like, well, it's better than what I did.

I fucking looked like the other way, because I was getting led down these dark alleys, like at Jackass. It's what I was, that was me a long time ago, and then I became like a really angry person. I think I already was angry. I just didn't realize it. And then somewhere along the line, I kind of came, I kind of came out of that. After, you know, that's why I hate watching those fucking shows that my wife always watches.

It was a quiet town. You know? Things like that weren't supposed to happen here. She's always just forever watching shit like that. And she tells me she watches it because she thinks like, what would I do in those situations to get out of it? And I always go like, oh, okay, well that's better.

I thought that watching a family get murdered was your way of entertaining yourself before you went to bed. Speaking of entertaining yourselves, people, I got something for Yoasses. This is stuff called, not your father's root beer that has 10 milligrams of fucking THC in it. And,

which I feel, you know, that's the farthest I'll go. Usually I like a five, I chill out, I giggle a little bit. I mean, I'm man enough to say that I can giggle, you know? You poke me in my stomach like the pillsbury dobo. I'm a, you know, I might let out a chuckle. Not gonna lie to you.

Might let out a chuckle. And every once in a while, you know, when I go away, with my lovely wife, you get away for a couple days like we just did for that wedding, you know, I'll take a tether. And then I'm having a great fucking time. But whenever the fellows will come and over, we're watching a movie. Kids were in bed. I think it's fucking, I'm going to drink one of these root beers. And I don't know that I can recommend that root

beer. It doesn't taste good as far as root beers goes. It tastes like this weed in it. It's root beer and it has weed in it. But if you like those two things like I do, it's fucking tremendous. And I drank this shit and I'm going to be honest with you. I'm thinking, all right, I can eat in a 10-milligram fucking gummy before. I'll tell you this. That root beer after a while was telling me what to say and when to say it. And there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about it. There was a little voice to me saying, shut up, they're trying to watch the movie. And I was just doing a bad al Pacino.ino going, you know, because he's not in that scene when Alec Baldwin comes in

and yells at everybody, you know what I mean? So I was saying all of this shit, Alpach, you know, my character would not sit here and listen to this motherfucker talking to him in that way. At first it was funny and then nobody was laughing and I just kept doing it. Later on I remember I was smoking a pipe because a bunny mind started smoking a pipe so I broke mine out that I got one long time ago when I was in Milwaukee and I was just laughing at how fucking smart you feel when you smoke a pipe, and you also feel like you're back in time.

And my lovely wife was telling a story to my other buddy smoking a pipe, and I was sitting there smoking a pipe, and I'm looking at my other buddy, and he looks at me and I go, it's called the cotton gin. Like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That was all fucking, I felt like Huck Finn. I was living back in the day in Tom Sawyer. I'm not gonna start smoking a pipe, though.

I will tell you, it's not as harsh as cigars. I'll say that, not as harsh as cigars. I mean, is that really a ringing endorsement, though? But he had that cherry-flavored tobacco, which every time I smell it, both my grandfather's on both sides smoked that exact same tobacco. And it just takes me back to the 1970s, hanging out on the front porch. We lived in a duplex for a time. I'll tell you man, no secrets in a duplex for a time. I'll tell you man, no secrets in a duplex, you know?

Like if I don't know where your parents get a divorce, the other family's like, yeah, we kinda heard that coming. Hahaha. You could just fucking hear everything. We lived in this really cool old house that I loved. And like someday I wanted to buy it back and turn it back into a one family because it was the coolest thing ever to me.

It had, it was like a, you know, I don't know, made in like 1900 or like the 1890s. I probably had all lead paint and all of that shit in there. One of those old school fucking rock foundations, you know. But the coolest thing I thought was it had, it had three staircases. It had like the main staircase, the front of the house, where we lived. And then it had a twisty one in the back, which back in the day, that was like for like your made service. Like when people had, like you didn't want to see them. Which how fucking

awkward is that? Like, I mean, make my bed. I don't want to see you, right? So as they would be downstairs, they'd make your breakfast. I think they would ring a dinner bell unless they were allowed to be like, so your breakfast is ready, right? And then you'd come downstairs and you willy-man with fucking slippers. And then they would walk up the back stairs

and then they would make up the beds or whatever. So I had one of those and then it had a real third floor, attic that you walked up stairs all the way up and it had two rooms up there that were like bedrooms. You could stand up and then it had like this creepy attic space and I always wanted to go out two rooms up there that were like bedrooms. You could stand up in and then it had like this creepy addict space. And I always wanted to combine like someday like by that thing

and combine the whole fucking thing. Never happened, never happened. I got in this business. That was one of those stories. I started telling it. I can't even remember why the fuck I was telling you that shit. So I talking about back in the day, how I like old stuff. I'm telling you something else too. This whole fucking disease I have where I like old things, I'm really trying to grow out of it.

Because when shit breaks down, it just becomes a mother fucker trying to find out. The greatest thing I ever did was I sold that old Ludwig drum kit. You know what I mean? And I don't miss it at all. And I got a couple of years ago, I bought a brand new Gretz broadcaster and I've never had any problem I've ever had with it. It's yeah, we got that part, no problem. It's not that old hill, I got a hunch. I don't know, eBay.

Go on Craigslist, see if you can find it. It's like, but I finally fixed my sciatic shit playing drums. I wasn't sitting right. The people always got to sit on your sit bones. I was like, what the fuck are those? What are your sit bones? And I finally figured out how to do that.

Jesus Christ, how fucking old am I? Am I really telling you guys? Yeah, I fucking learned how to do that. Jesus Christ, how fucking old am I? Am I really telling you guys, yeah, I fucking learned how to do that. I just picture like my sit bones, like the spurs in the front of like a bastrumb anchor. I just gotta fucking put those in there because my leg starts getting numb. And then when I readjust it, it gets un-num,

which never happened before. So I'm excited about that. And I'm excited that the Denver Nugget swept the fucking LA Lakers and that the Boston Celtics prevented themselves from getting swept. So at least I have that. At least I fucking have that. It is amazing though, if you're up three games to none,

how quickly That can go south like all of a sudden now like Miami should be a little bit nervous Right It's so fucked up you lose one guy you have three goddamn games all you got to do is win one more we win one fucking game And then all of a sudden it's like holy holy shit, the Celtics win the next one, the next game they're looking to tie it up to series. Like it happens. It happens very quickly. I don't know if you guys have noticed, but count to three doesn't take that long, does it? I'm very proud of the Boston Celtics that they didn't allow themselves to get swept, especially after

what Charles Barkley was saying about him at halftime and Shaq and they were 100% right. That was the hardest part. They were 100% right. They were like, they are trying to win with talent. They are not playing with anger, with heart, with fucking, you know, refuse to lose vibes. Well, I don't know if they were watching that halftime thing if that inspired him, with anger, with heart, with fucking, you know, refused to lose vibes. Well, I don't know if they were watching that halftime thing if that inspired him, but they came out

and kicked the shit out of him. So, Jesus Christ, at least we didn't get swept like the Los Angeles free agent Lakers. Oh God, I'm so fucking sick of that every fucking year. These stupid Laker fans just cheering on players from other teams. You know, acting like they don't notice what their fucking team is doing and what their team has done to the fucking league. I do blame them.

Yes, I do. And I blame dead David Stern, whatever his fucking name was because he loved the Lakers. He even said it. What's your dream final? He goes, oh, the Lakers, first the Lakers. Oh, behave. I will go to my grave thinking that guy fixed games. 100% and if they weren't,

then they would be called a sports league rather than an entertainment league. In fact, all of them. I like how they allow the wiggle room of that, you know. Or how about the ridiculousness that a sports fan like me is now gonna sit here as legalized, organized gambling. They are now in bed with those people. And I'm gonna sit here and act like these games are on the up and up.

I mean, the entire existence of these sports leagues, the number one rule is do not gamble, do not associate yourself with people that gamble. Stay, don't even go in and play poker. Stay away from those fucking people. But then all of a sudden it became legal and they cleaned it up like fucking weed. It is fucking insane that they have all of this shit for drinking and driving but like you can drive down the street on a hundred milligrams of fucking weed and then what can they do? Did they have a test? Oh Billy Narkface here Let me see what nobody else is this fucking podcast this I just do this for me hang on a sec

Let me see something here. It is ridiculous that you can be high-attie a fucking mind and there's like is there anything? Let me see let me see there anything, let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see. All right, here we go. Is there a cop test for weed in California? If the officer suspects drug use in a person who choose, who choose a breath test, a blood test may be ordered. However, a blood test can only be requested if the officer believes the following.

The driver is under the influence of marijuana or other types of drugs. Yeah, but how long does that take to come back? You got to smell. We just sent it to the lab. You know, you might want to recline your sick body. You're going to be here for a minute. Um, I guess there isn't. It's kind of fucking amazing.

How can police prove impairment in DUI marijuana cases? There currently is no breath test. Oh, dude, the day that that comes in, there's gonna be a bunch of crying. I can't even say hippies. You know, hippies still call it grass. Ha ha ha users, as I just talked to you about my fucking root beer. Many of the legal restrictions regarding marijuana use and possession have been relaxed in California. And as a result, there's been an increase

in the number of DUI cases involving marijuana use, really. Under the California Vehicle Code, section 23152, F as in Frank, Victor Charlie, driving on the influence of marijuana and other drugs, both legal and illegal is a criminal offense. Unlike DUI alcohol cases, which a driver can be convicted of a DUI if they blood alcohol level is 0.08% or higher,

there is no similar per se statute regarding marijuana and drug intoxication. This means that the police and press, what about these fucking people on mushrooms? Like, you know, fucking microdosing? How many of you guys hate me right now? Will you shut the fuck up, Bill? It's interesting.

Dare I say a fucking double standard? Anyway, another show I started watching. A fucking double standard. Anyway, another show I started watching. I started watching a show called The White House Plummers. Plummers? If you're a car guy like I am, you got to watch that one. It has all these amazing, you know, takes place in the early 70s. So it has all these incredible 60s and 70s cars in there.

And it's also got Woody Harrelson and Justin Thoreau. So they fucking absolutely murder it. And the tone of the show is, it's perfect because they're doing this center stuff, but there's all this comedy and I finally get a chance. I've been wanting to watch it. I finally set that and watched the first episode and it's just one of those ones. I mean, I'm watching all of these. So check that out.

If you can, I forget what I thought of. For somebody's, I thought it was on HBO. Hang on a second. Let me see here. And then I'm going to mercifully sign up. White House plumbers. HBO, it is HBO. White House plumbers? Yeah, on HBO series. Yeah, I saw the first fucking episode of it and definitely check it out. episode of it and definitely check it out. I just love the names from back then.

E Howard Hunt, G Gordon Liddy. That was like a big thing back then. Going by your initials. Anyway, sorry, that is the podcast. Congratulations to the fucking Denver Nuggets. I think I'm gonna be rooting for them, only because the heat of one a bunch. I mean, I really don't see the heat losing four in a row to the fucking Denver Nuggets. I think I'm gonna be rooting for them, only because the heat of one a bunch. I mean, I really don't see the heat

losing four in a row to the Celtics. I'm hoping it's gonna happen, but I will be rooting for the Nuggets. And I wanna see what this fucking guy is all about that was shooting three pointers. I'm not a big NBA guy, as you know. I've been saying since the 2000s that it's fucking massaged right up to straight up fixed and you won't be able to convince me otherwise and you probably won't give a

fuck either. Oh, here's another new thing. Sorry, my brain is all over the place here. I was talking to somebody about some shit on the phone that you probably shouldn't talk about on the phone, you know, if you don't want people to start fucking listening or things to perk up, and I said, I really think to throw off, you know, the guys in the van is, all you have to do at some point is just say shape shifter, lizard people or flat earth. And that was weird.

All right, this guy's just a jerk off, and I'll just keep moving on. So if you're ever talking about something, I was talking about the Federal Reserve or something like that. I got, you know, we're getting a little too deep with this, and I just went, shape-shifter, lizard people. Yeah, flat earth, I'm like, all right, but in my head that gets them off the phone call. If they're, you know, it was for, not whatever,

the computer that's looking at me, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like alright, but in my head that gets them off the phone call. If they're, you know, it was for, not whatever, the computer that's looking for the buzzwords. And then it's like, is this person a danger? Nah, they just, no one's listening to this guy. He thinks the world is flat. And it's really as round as his bald head.

Alright, that's it. What about the fucking devil race? Dude, the Florida, the state of Florida is secretly fucking quietly killing it. You know? Most of the type of tired of people saying, you know, this fucking guy, dude, if he played in New York or LA, you know, everybody would know his name. It's like, well, I don't understand why you don't know his name.

If he scores fucking all of these points, he's gonna be on ESPN, right? Now, I don't fucking know. Anyway. All right. This has been the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Went a little longer, a little longer than usual. I have a great weekend, your cuts.

Congratulations to the Panthers and the Denver Nuggets, I have a great weekend, your cunts. Congratulations to the Panthers and the Denver Nuggets, as I mentioned before, and I think it's going to be the heat. I hate to say it, but you never know. You never know, things could happen. Things, interesting things here. We'll see. Enjoy the music, and then we have a bonus half hour special the Thursday afternoon We must stay this time

We are the children The last generation The last generation We are the ones standing behind And I wonder when we are ever gonna change Living under the fear, don't need another evil. We don't need to know the way home. Oh, it won't it's what we got. No wonder no.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast. May 25th 2015 the final Monday That there will ever be in May of 2015. Let me ask you Let me ask you. What are you gonna do about it? Huh? Yeah doing shit today. Are you? I don't ever fucking word out of anybody if this podcast if you consider it late Your self-involved jackass if you consider it late, you got the day off anyways don't you? Well if you don't you either have a shit job or you work for yourself

because when you work for yourself, you fucking money never sleeps or whatever dumb shit they say in some fucking hip-hop song, you know what I mean? I hit out fucking dramatic, they try to make every goddamn fucking moment, you know what I mean? I hit out fucking traumatic. They try to make every goddamn fucking moment, you know Not all rappers, but just in general money never sleep more money more problems not really Not if you would just move away From the toxic element that you grew up in You know if you'd start buying some Some assets You know, if you start buying some assets, if you had your money make money then you don't

have more problems. Stay out of club. You have enough fucking money to bring some bitches over to your house. You don't need to go out. Okay, you're just fucking... Let me have a little fucking old white guy to rapper discussion here. Just fucking once you make your money. Get the fuck out of there. And don't listen to those assholes. Oh yeah, you forgot where you came from. No, no, I remember where I came from. That's what you don't see.

That's what you don't understand. I remember exactly where I came from. All right, don't see. It's what you don't understand. I remember exactly where I came from All right, you want me to come back? I'll come back during the day when all you maniacs are still sleeping I'm not coming back at night Jesus Christ. Yeah, you come back during the day. Come back at like 10 in the morning. If you want to make a fucking Positive impact come back at 10 in the morning. You know when the good people are getting up, right? You know watching their morning, you know, when the good people are getting up, right? You know, watching their kids, you know, You already went to work or whatever. That's the deal. But that second shift comes in. That's when you get the fuck out.

I, that's what I would do. I don't know. I mean that exists at all levels. You know what I mean? What are you, you're some fucking, you know, just some jackass from the suburbs. You know what you got to do. You got to get out of it. You got to get out of the town. Whatever town you're from, where they're still wearing the football jackets going down to the water and haul. Right? Dude, how come you never come around anymore?

What do you think you're fucking too good for us? Uh, no. I don't think I'm too good for you. I think I'm too good for this. I'd like a little more than this. If you don't think I'm too good for you. I think I'm too good for this. I'd like a little more than this If you don't mind That's all you got to do you just you just fucking

You fucking have a bar in your house That's what you do Right and then what you do is you invite your friends over your friends people you know Okay, then if you want some horse or whatever you have them come over you flip on the security camera So there's no fucking he said she said right You give the pimple a little fucking throw coat you or whatever and his fucking Sasparilla whatever fuck you want to drink you have a nice evening everybody goes home Think bang boom done. You need to do all of that in in your cabana you don't have them in your real house that's what you do you know

fucking go back down in the sick goddamn let's run with you what are you doing what am I talking about I don't know I'm dishing out advice like I have any business given anybody advice you know what I have a bar in my house you know it's just bunch of bottles laying around you know I fucking you know take a bite out of them every fucking goddamn day you know what I'm at my heaviest I've ever been I'm talking you guys singing the gym song and all that you know what that southern tour and then the 19 shows and then I got sick and then I fucking kept eating like an animal and I'm at my heaviest I've been in fucking six years and I'll tell you right now. I'm disgusted with myself. Oh Billy fat again. Oh

Billy red velvet Man, what did I do? Oh Jesus I got a fuck you know what I did everything I tell you guys not to do I did and then I got a fuck you know what I did everything I tell you guys not to do I did and then I Had a flight yesterday, so I had to do weight and balance so I'd get on the fucking scale and I got on with my clothes And it said 190 You know, I weigh myself this morning. I was 186 without fucking shoes and cell phones and all that shit, but God I'm so disgusted with myself. I need to lose 15 fucking pounds

15 fucking pounds. So what did I do? I did the usual, oh, I fucked this. Fuck this. I'm getting in shape. You know, when you do that, it fucking lasts for about 12 hours. So I'm about 12 hours in. After I weighed myself, I was so fucking disgusted. Had a good lesson though. And then I came home and I finished off this salad with salmon. And then for dinner I had a fucking black bean burger, no bun with a side salad. You know, crush me to order that. But now I gotta tell you after I eat it, I felt great. I felt great. I drank waters the rest of the night and I figured all right

You know with clothes on everything in 190 so I'm probably about 185 186 eating like this I'll wake up in the morning. I'll probably be about 184 right woke up in the morning 186.8 I'm a fat-freckled fuck right now. I'm a fucking flounder. I don't like it I'm not even a button-down shape right now. You know that when you button get too fucking they start having a fucking you know that that stress mark of both sides of the shirt is it's holding it together. I think he's doing a joke about that Mac with a button was like an iron doing the iron cross trying to hold both sides together. It's fucking horrible. It's absolutely horrible. So I

Don't know I ate my way into it. I got to eat my way out of it because I don't really have time to fucking go to nuts I did take my dog into our height today, but I don't know what an asshole. You know, you know, it really fucked me sent me I've been off the rails on and off the rails since November or October when I started Sat in the writers room, F is for family and I started working eight hours a day and we started ordering lunch and all that type of shit and I felt myself putting it on like five pounds

and then I held the five pounds and then right into the fucking holidays through one another, three. And then somewhere, I don't know, in March, I started going back to the gym after I was up to, I was like 172 before the shit started then I went up into the 180s again Then I was coming down to like 179 and then the southern tour came out the other fucking side of it 186. I mean I guess that's not bad. I gained six fuck seven pounds

Fucking worst every time I go to set up. I feel like I'm fucking got a kid It's a kid growing in me a little fat fucking kid Anyways, so last night I stayed in for the first night since I can even fucking remember I didn't drink You know, I always have a couple of drinks. I'm not gonna lie to you. There's no reason for me not to I don't have any children. All right, you'd be doing it to Don't judge me. So last night I'm staying in you know, took my dog for a walk around the block Staring down in my stomach Fucking looking at myself in the mirror going look at you fat shame on myself. Look what you did

Look at you You're a fucking mess, right? Look at you. You're a fucking mess, right? Awful. Fucking awful, right? You know what's even worse was I continued to fucking lift weights as I put on all this weights, and I look like that classic fucking, you know, the thing I'm missing is, it's like, you know that guy that keeps fucking working out,

but he keeps eating like an asshole, so he's got the pecs in the shoulders shoulders and then he's just got that fucking awful gut Right, and then he's got the tight button down and you just see the fucking shirt struggling every time the guy fucking reaches over to grab another potato skin That's the kind of fucking shape of men right now So anyway, so I stayed in last night and I Just watched TV, you know, which is always good when you're trying to drop weight whatever. I didn't fucking drink go fuck yourself So I watched that you watch that rich kids of Beverly Hills It's fucking unbelievable. It's just one of those things my wife

Taped a bunch of shit, you know for some fucking reason, you know, she's always telling me she doesn't delete my ship But whenever I come off the road all my shows, you know fast and loud. Where's all the fast and louds? Where's all, hey, Neal, where's all the fast and louds? You know, I yelled that because I know she's up. And she's just like, Oh, well, I didn't do anything. Really? It's not recording the series anymore. How does that happen if I hit record series? And then I go on the road and I leave what happened? Are you gonna tell me it was a malfunction? How come whenever it malfunctions the the the the the DV? Why does it always malfunction on the shit? I want to record

You know, I don't fucking know so anyway,, so I'm like, all right, any port in a storm. I watched the rest of that show, the comedians, one of my favorite new shows, that in last man on earth, of course. So great to see Billy Crystal again, you know, such a big fan he is, man. He's fucking hilarious on that show. And I don't know if you guys have seen the show. I just love how Josh Gads character has no idea all the accomplishments that Billy Crystal has gotten over the years. And he'll be like, yeah, you know, I'm up for a kids' choice of work. And can you believe that? Can you believe it? And he's like, yeah, I'm up for one too. He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he goes, yeah, yeah. He goes, I've won one of those.

He just, really, I know, I just love that he has no, that's such like a sobering thing in this fucking, I guess in life in general, when you're gonna accomplish all this shit, you just think you're gonna be the fucking man, and you just don't understand that there's a whole generation of kids that are coming up that could give a fuck. Which is why if you make money at some point you've got to become a landlord. Oh, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm going to do it. I'm going to fucking do it. I always

said I was never going to do it, but I'm going to do it. I was like, I don't want to be fucking dealing with fixing toilets and shit I'm not gonna do that. I'll get someone to manage the building for me to buy something. I got to do it That's my exit strategy, right? Instead of going out and buying a bunch of shiny shit Right going down to the club and getting in trouble. No You stay at home You drink yourself just shy of 200 pounds. Well, you check out real estate. That's what you do. So as you set yourself up financially, you simultaneously destroy a hot

and liver. Right? And then you stick it all in a will and you give it to your wife. And that one day, right? You're sitting there having an ex salad sandwich. You're down at the track. Come on, you six. Who are you? Who's sitting next to you? You know, you're slumped over the rail. Take a horse tail to the face and it's fucking over. That's it. It's over. But you know what? Everybody in your life is psyched. He was really smacked with his money. Oh, she's thank God. Thank God. God, bless them. You know, he died doing what he loved, doing what he loved, screaming at the horses with a point three zero blood alcohol level. Having a massive coronary. That's what he

liked to do. Do you know, he had seven heart yet? Seven. Seven. Oh, was it six? They died with seven. You know, all the old bitches who never die, sitting there in the coffee shop, just chatting away, chatting away, right? Burning calories, running their fucking yaps. They live forever.

That's what fucking kills me. All these broads going on TV, bitch, moaning and complaining. We don't get this, we don't get that. You fucking live forever. Hey, look who's here. Wow, you look fucking amazing. Is it possible for you to do the podcast and not scream at the top of your fucking lungs? Is it possible for you to do that? You're too good to be true.

Can't take my Screaming my name just a second ago. Why were you screaming? Because I wanted you to come up here. You dummy I know but you can do it in a little bit more of a positive way and not call me a dummy as well Quite all right pull up a fucking chair Pull up a chair and grab a microphone you asshole and I want to I want you to explain to me You're you you have limited time on this podcast today. Why because? Fucking look at me like that. All right listen, don't get a fucking chair Why don't you have a chair in here this office is a disgrace?

No, you know what's a disgrace is my fucking torso 186.8 Nia. That's what you're banging, huh? A big fucking flounder. I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm rapidly approaching. Get on top, get on top, wait. Yeah. Oh, God. You still gonna love me, Nia?

When that brown sweat is raining down on you, like the fucking goddamn, I don't know, so I'm gonna about the rainforest. What a fucks the microphone. Should we put a cap on both of our weight? You look great. Thank you. Where the fuck is my, there's another mic

in the thing there. Can't stop eating like a pig. He's a fat, freckled fuck. I fucking hate myself right now, Nia. Hey, good. Put the, put the windscreen on Jesus Christ God damn fucking. There we go. Here we go. Setting up the microphone. Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the podcast. Oh, my God. There you go. How's this? That's very good. Now, I want to know something, Neal. Yes. Okay, you're adorable. You're beautiful. Uh-huh. Even when you snore, it's cute as opposed to me, right? Right? Really? Yes, you this. How would I go on the road? Is fast and loud? Yeah, I heard you screaming about that. It's recorded.

We've made that point like nine times. I just want people to be clear that this is just a thing that you do. I reg. I did that. I did that so I can have you come up here. All right, and I got to tell you something else. And this screaming that I do,

that puts fruit loops on the table. Oh my God, I knew that's where you were going. Why? Because of your screaming. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I got it.

Just check it in on you. They love it. I know. But we are not. Every time we are not in a theater, I am not an audience. Every time you sit down, I don't need you to be screaming like your life. I need a nice save it for the stage we'd had.

Save it for the fucking stage. Every time you sit down, I need a nice save it for the stage we'd had save it for the fucking stage. Every time you sit down and eat a nice crunchy cereal, you got to say to yourself, thank God, my husband screams like a lunatic. Right. So what are you talking about fast and loud? I told you I don't know what happened. Yeah, okay. Point your finger at me. Well, you said that giving me shit about screaming in yellow last time, I'm trying to go to bed and you're watching that Frankie Valley musical. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm trying to sleep. Every fucking five second. You were asleep though. Sherry baby. I can't do it. You know what's funny is that you already kind of have a higher pitch voice. So it's actually not hard for you to go into

that register. That wasn't bad. Listen, don't compliment me because you're watching your fucking TV. Actually, it was better on stage than it was in the movie version. It looked great. Well, thank you. Meanie Ebert. Who in God's name would care what you think about a fucking movie? Why do you have me up here then if you're just going to be an asshole to me? I swear to fucking God, what is wrong with this?

This is how I say I love you. I know. You know, forever, a seventh grade boy, pulling pig to the face. Oh shit, you face. Why is fast and loud not recorded? This is like the nighttime. I have asked, I know you've asked me nine times

and I'm answering you nine times. I don't know. I don't know why. Really? I don't know why really I haven't erased anything I take games and I come back in the games that you know what happens is you're sitting here and you're taping two things at once Right our DVR has a capability to tape five things at once and I've never taped five things at once So even if I did have two things going on at once You're I don't know I don't know. But what if fucking saw my stuff? I don't know Bill. I don't know.

Is there anything worse than when you think to have them? Do you think you have them? I thought we still had the old school one. Well, back in the day when you recorded two things and what, you used to race my shit all the time. So I'm yelling at you about that. What did I use to race of yours all the time? Every fucking game.

And you're always going, oh, can you get rid of so many stuff for the DVR? It's all my stuff. And meanwhile, every Super Bowl on the DVR. Wait, wait, what? That's never coming off. That's never coming off. On the DVR, like forever. Do you need to have it off? You don't even go back and watch it. We're talking about. How do you know what I do? Have you come back and watched it? Yeah, I've watched that Super Bowl three times and I love that more each time. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in.

We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. We watched it when we were in. my restaurant not the other way around you ask you what's on the menu it's on the menu you don't like it fucking take a hike lady do you know who you like Justin James number 99 from the uh yeah you don't know the right name that sounds like a game Buffalo bills wait Justin James he sounds like he

fucking billed hot rods you're thinking Jesse James he's the one he was on that wait I'm gonna look it up. He's the one I was just looking at him. Just in Timberlake. No, I was just looking at an Instagram of his because he was showing a picture. That's why you're so pretty. He was um Yeah, this big scar on his um, fire or something. What's his name? I don't know. Anyway. Oh, Jesus. So why did you have me come up here? Because I was giving you shit about all he I'm fast and loud. It's my fucking show and I like see what they do. I know. But I don't know what happened to it. And you can also go online because they have everything online now. I don't do that. You don't do that? I, oh, I'm sorry. Is. Was that not you watching people slap fight each other on YouTube?

Yeah, that's what I'm not gonna watch it for for a quality piece of entertainment. It's almost to slap somebody in the face Hey, how funny was that that that lady the big fat lady on the on the tricycle? You mean that to to you know, baby You singing the arc kelly song and then she fucking tips over at the end it's fucking great no it was a football player on the cover of the fucking ESPN magazine who played in the oh wait who did we play in the Seattle Seattle do you realize what you're doing with listeners right now is that when Katie Perry was on? Did the halftime show? I'm sorry. I know you hate me right now. I know you. I know you.

I beat you got to leave. You got to leave. You're done. Why? Because that was not gonna answer questions. No, it isn't that you know I come back during that go go get yourself a fucking Egg McMuffin or something Get me a water. All water right get out of here Out all right hold on a minute. Well, yes, you're taking up time here. You're taking up time Can you hear the serial? Oh what guy? I? Don't know who that is I don't know Oh, yeah from the Texans all right

There you go. Yeah, all right shut the door. I'll get me some water. Now come back Jesus Christ. Yes, you're I'm a man. I asked you to do something you're a woman you go and you do it and you don't ask questions Ah god, so anyways like I was saying this sitting at bitch moaning and complaining about all the stuff they don't have but we You know and it's like you fucking out live us. You out live us. What are you giving me water for in a shot glass? Come on, Nea, don't be a douche. Well, you know what, you have a birthday coming up. I know exactly what I'm getting you big bag of Fritos you're an asshole put it in the juice glass all right so anyways yeah so they're always bitch-mourin and complaining about what they don't have right you know do they have a look around to see what they do have a whole fucking Platoon of shoes Huh that their guy paid for

Right Oh snap 12 to 6 right there, baby Ain't it you know why I make more an hour than you Because I'm better than you Because I'm worth more than you Think Think about it, Neat. Think about all the great inventions. Think about all the great stuff that makes your life simple. Has a broad invented one of them. Has any of them stop running their yap for more than three seconds to even invent the fucking can opener.

You know what, that's actually a great question. Let's go to broadinventions.org. Let's see what the ladies, women, inventors. I'm going to tell you what, what do you guys invent? Skippy peanut butter? Marie Curie. You know what, Your mics turn down for a reason. All right. Here we go. Women inventors. There we go. You are so lame. Do you know how famous? How fucking lame you are with this fucking premise that you have been squeezing dry? I know how

fat I am. You're Mike's back on. You've been squeezing this dumb premise dry for the last 10 years of your career. What do you have in front of your career? What do you have in front of your breakfast? A nice big bowl of feminism. Well, you know what? That fucking show of feminism paid for that bowl of feminism. Famous women and ventors. Oh, good. Are you actually going to learn something and not talk out of your ass? Yeah, this is gonna be a quick read. It's gonna be a quick read. No, it's not actually look at all these people there

It's like 12 names. You're gonna fall asleep before you get there There's more guys on the clipers than there's fucking women and ventors Mary Anderson Barbara Askins that takes care of the a's Patricia Billings Marion Dunnevans Sally Fox Well, what the fuck are you? Yeah, do you think I'm serious? Yes Let's see Marry Anderson anyone who's ever driven in a rain or a snowstorm really needs to get a new bit though

See can't attest you really need to get a new bit.. Can't attest. You really need to get a new bit. What are you talking about? I you know what I'm talking about. What? I didn't trash women once my last special. You're I didn't. But what's happening right now? You still come and wait.

You circling the wagon back around to the same guy. I have the sniffles. I don't feel good. This is comfort food for me. Oh, this is comforting to you. Oh, you know what? You know what? You know, so this is comforting you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, Miss enlightened, Miss enlightened. What did Mary Anderson invent? I don't know. Oh, yeah? What did Barbara Askins invent? I don't know. The post it It's so no How about Patricia Billings? You call yourself a feminist and you don't

know you're starting lineup. This is I you want me to name the fucking Patriots Offensive Line? Because I'll fucking do it. No, I really don't. Sally Fox. Do anything regarding sports. Uh, yeah, I don't know what just because that doesn't mean that I would know every female that doesn't make any sense, but you know, you don't know any of them. How about how about that? How about that? Nesmith Graham did Marie Curie in fact, I'm gonna name of all the names in this list and I want you to tell me what one of them did. Dr. Temple Grandin. the doctor temple granted. Oh, oh, yes. She was the woman who invented the thing for cows. So when they were going to slaughter,

they wouldn't be freaking out. Like, sort of like a little pressurized thing that's on them, because she had like autism or something like that. You got some of it. The thing that usually amazes people about most about prolific woman inventor, Dr. Temple Grandin is not all the great strides she

has made to improve animal handling devices. You nailed it. No other fact that she earned a PhD in animal science. Why is that amazing? You know what? You are such a fucking douchebag. You can't give it up even when it's in front of your face and black and white. Like I'm sick. I don't like how when you guys sit to you. Why wouldn't you guys do shit that we do?

It's suddenly amazing. You know what? Goodbye. I'm sorry. You guys drove a garbage truck and you're late. You drove a goddamn garbage truck down the street to be a lifetime movie. Over and over and over again. When you're done, Mrs. that you've been doing for the last take off. Oh, shut up. You know, I like you. shit you know I like you know I like you come on You're being a baby about this. I'm not being a baby. You're being a jerk. I'm breaking my balls. You get no fresh down there I know she is because there's an HBO movie about it starring oh there you go. Thank God. No, you can't set down a read All right really Bill. What was the last book you read? And fucking Steven Adler's biography doesn't count. I think that might have

been the last one. I read the fair aim 2014 book. All right, whatever. So, you know, so you guys, you know, you got a nice little list here. Oh my God. What? I can't believe you felt the need to go online as it to somehow wait to women invent things like what is wrong with you You I really have to keep asking that question. Hey, is it because you're a 46 year old white man from Boston Like is it can I really just distill it down to your stats? Can I ask your question? Yeah? No, you can't I want you to name some women inventors temple graded? I keep saying Marie Curie, didn't she invent that? Yeah, you're talking all this shit like,

I can't believe it, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you don't even have the bullets in your gun. You're over there, you're shooting blanks. I don't need to have bullets in my gun. I know you don't, all you gotta do is start a bitching and everybody listens to you. Because I'm smart enough to know that you're a broad. You're the one going online, like a prehistoric.

Don't blow your nose into the microphone, Jesus. How are you still sick anyway? Hey, listen, because I'm up all night trying to find something you guys did. If anybody takes this fucking seriously, go fuck yourselves. You know somebody's gonna take a little clip of this and set it to some clam-bake fucking site and I'm getting trouble.

Clam-bake site? Yeah, whatever the fuck they are. Oh, clam-bake. Oh my god, let's just focus on the... Yeah, I swear to God, when I went to India and I saw that toddler take a ship between two park cars, that fucking... That's sad. Yeah, I don't want any other people complaining.

She's sitting there with a brooch. You wearing a brooch, that's more than that kid will ever have. What is your problem? two park cars that fucking I don't yeah I don't have people complaining she's sitting there with a broach you wearing a broach that's more than that kid will ever have what is your problem what do you like my broach I'm talking all we never know when women get on TV start complaining they start dressing like fucking Eleanor Roosevelt don't they put on a wool suit when's the last time you saw anyone wear a broach that wasn't like I thought the people in Canada were wearing them but I had to do with World War One veterans I thought that was a brooch and I got a bunch of shit about that you know but thank you. Thankfully the Canadians are very forgiving people you know if you

get them a couple of donuts down at Timmy Hoes and they're fine who do you like for the Stanley company? The Bruins. Oh geez we didn't make the LA Kings. Go Kings Go. Neither one of them you geez. We didn't make the LA Kings go Kings go neither one of them. You're all for two. Oh, those LA Kings games, when two were fun though, they were. I did enjoy it. I was very surprised at how enjoyable it was.

Well, I would want there you go. You know, now if I said the same thing about women and ventures, I'd be a fucking show. I don't understand how me going to a hockey game for the first time. It's like you pretending to not humor. It's called humor. Oh, okay. It's called a joke. Ha ha. Well, thanks for explaining that, Bill. Oh, God. You're here to explain things. Thanks God. Man is here to explain things to a woman. Oh, look, you're trying to turn it around. What are you trying to turn it around? It's okay. You didn't understand. It's okay to not understand things. Where are the questions for

this week's podcast? I don't think we're up to that point yet. I don't even have the advertising yet. Oh, I was going to say, have you read your advertising horribly yet? You know, yeah, beyond these every time you make fun of me, you're just making fun of yourself. Why is that? Because you married me. You dope. I married you because I love you. that because you married me you dope I married you because I love you

Be nice to me in the podcast all right all right that's it Can you give me some fucking water in a real glass a real glass? Okay, I know minimal fucking effort. You probably want the same amount of an hour for this right that a bus boy would do And he bring me a fucking bus boy'll bring over a full glass like a man. Alright sweet kicks. Alright there we go. Jesus Christ anyways. Nia you outlive us. Alright oh by the way I'm performing down at the comedy store ladies. I'll be down the It's still it's not fucking long enough. Oh, you want it right? Yeah, I want it to Reggaed glass. No, what's the matter? Just start thinking about dresses on the way to the kitchen? I'm being an extra douche this week, but you know what? I'm enjoying it. All right, I'm going to be down the comedy store hosting in the the main room at 830 this Wednesday. There's only a few tickets left and you

yes you could be one of the lucky people to come down and watch the more to love bill bird take the fucking stage at the comedy store in 830. It's an all things comedy show and it's a powerhouse lineup and all of that type of stuff and I got a bunch of new bits that I'm really excited about doing and um, you know, who's on the show? Huh? Oh, I don't know. Fucking Neil Brennan, Al Madrigal, a bunch of beast.

You know, what do you want from me? What do you want from me? What do you want from India? I? Want you to address the issues in Portance society The ones that affect me fuck everybody else All right, where the hell are we? Trying to see what the fuck I would I'm not even out of do this Twitter thing. I'm trying to see where the hell I am My thing gives a fuck anyways. Yeah, I don't know who the fuck is on the show. It's going to be a great show. But come on down. How was that? Was that good? Also, people have been asking me, hey Bill, I really like some of those posters you've had on your recent tours.

Are there any leftovers? Why, yes, yes, there are. The first batch of leftovers. I hope I have some posters left over from my southern tour, the Billy Bible belt tour, and they're all autographed, and they make a great gift for somebody you don't really give a fuck about. Oh my shit does, you know, because it's always 20 bucks. You got 20 bucks. Go fuck yourself, frame it. Make a fucking night of it. Just get out of my house. Those will go and sail on Wednesday. Um, and then the Boston ones we would come on sale, I think whenever the fuck I get those back, I got about 100 or so of those left. So anyways, there we go. I don't have any goddamn, I don't have any reads for this week.

This is a very, what have everybody's got the day off right? Why do I have to try this week? All right. I just got myself in all kinds of trouble. Hey, Needy, come here. Come in here. Come in here. Lady. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Oh, whoa, whoa. All right. Well, I guess I'm going to have to do a, oh, so how about that fucking duck's black hawk series? That's incredible huh? I was really, I was really psyched that the black hawks won game two, I mean, game make it two two, sorry game four only because I want to see that thing go seven games because it's just hockey at the highest level. And what is that? It's like this thing that happened during some game.

What happened? Oh, it's looking at his other leg. No, the one with the big one. Oh, we were back to the other leg. This is JJ Watts. Yeah. What happened? That's a bruise from what?

Getting hit. Throw back to when this happened in the first half of the bill's game. I don't know. He slid on something. I've never played football. I think he got hit. Dude his legs look like these 80. Anyways, yeah. Am I here? Yeah. Hey listen, obviously I think a woman should make what a guy makes. Okay, but you guys need to let your fucking hair down. I don't know what a guy say some dumb shit every once in a while. Without getting all fucking, you know, I don't know, ploy anybody fucking relax. You know, I can't wait for you guys to dumb shit every once in a while. That's not fucking, you know, I don't employ anybody. Fucking relax. You know, I can't wait for you guys to make as much as we make.

Maybe once you're going to a bar and maybe throw down a fucking scene out and buy a round. How do you know I haven't bought a round, a drink for somebody? That's I've known you for 10 years. They are buying me a drink. Yeah. After all I do for you is a fucking joke. Okay, you're throwing a nickel into an ocean here. All right. What else all I do for you is is a fucking joke. Okay. You're throwing a nickel into

an ocean here. All right. What else do I do for you? I'm talking about that's not what when when have you ever just walked into a fucking bar slam down a fucking scene out and just bought around a drink for people because you have an a great fucking they've you ever done it. No, I don't even I don't even know. Have you ever done that? Yes, throw down a scene out just because you're having a great fucking day. Hey, drink some me. I got one thing like that. Like I got one foot. I went to a speak easy. Which is never a speak easy because it's legal, but they had it designed in when we were in in Denver, me and Jason

LaHead, we go in there. We're gonna go to the Broncos. and, uh, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and and, and, and, and, and, go to the bar and they had, they had this, I don't know what the fuck it was, but it was like 60 years old. Okay. All right, it was, I don't know what it was, whatever you can have, everything else turns to like fucking vinegar. What was it, a con? Yeah, what, what couldn't be like 60 years old?

I don't know. So whatever, it was like fucking like 90 bucks a shot. So I just had a great run of dates. And I said, fucking, I said, lawhead, I said, what're doing is you go, dude, you can't do that. I go, fuck that. Come on. First game. Me NFL season gives a shit. Government's taking on my money. Anyways, let's do that. Right. So the bartender, I see it. He goes, oh my God. He's like, that's like the greatest, mean, people at the bar bartenders. We always, he's a young kid. We want to do this

shot. And I said, all right, I go and buy you a shot too. He goes, no, no, no, I can't do that, I can't do that. And whatever his name was, I was like, Doug, yes you can. So then he said, all right, he goes, this is the thing. Can I split the shot with two of the other barbacks? I said, yeah, there you go. There's my hundred bucks. I threw it down, we all took a sip.

And it was one of the great experiences I've ever had drinking anything in my fucking life. So there you go. Congratulations. You know what? That was classic right there. Female. Female shit. Well, you just said, did you ever do it? I gave you a fucking example and then rather than saying like, oh, I stand corrected. You then say I stand corrected. You're right. You went in, you threw it down, you gave everybody a good time. Yeah. Great. Do you think that's an isolated incident? I don't know. No, it wasn't. The amount of money that could be in

our bank, the amount of money that could be in our bank account, but isn't because I'm such a great fucking guy. It's ridiculous. Well, I'm glad everyone is getting to see what a great guy you are and they're not completely basing in understand. This is what happens when you marry a smarty. Even when you get them they fucking wiggle their way out of it. Alright. Let's read some questions. Oh, let's get some questions before you go to your fucking Sally Field meeting. You're gonna go to meeting this week and hold up a union. She made a sign. It was so amazing. Come to Brazil.

Hey, Bill. Hey, man, I know, hey, man, I don't exactly know how it works. But I think you are really talented in hilarious comic. Well, it's nice to know someone in this fucking side of the world does. My friends and I have seen most of your shows available online and we love it. I believe you have a real market opportunity in Brazil. Have you ever considered coming here? Anyways, keep up the good work. Uh, car in LA, question mark. Hello. That's the next one. Oh, that's the next one that's the next one sorry i thought that was a signing off

so dumb uh... well yeah i mean i would go to brisill i guess i was taking you there you go uh... now you go you you go you you go you go to brisill you deserve it you you're you go you go you go to Brazil you deserve it you're so fucking you know thank you abused in this country you poor women I mean Jesus Christ to me all

the stuff that we do to you it's just got it's got to be horrible living in your for bedroom garrison colonial having to listen to it how do you talk about women how do you how do you American women do it? How do you fucking handle? Well, I tell you bill it's not devastating. It's not easy. Bet bath and beyond every fucking 20 feet. Bed bath and beyond really. Oh, come on. That's what that's what that's your buffalo wild wings. You know what is you guys love going in there buying shit. I also like Buffalo wild ones. I know you do you like anything that costs money. Oh, all right. Carinel A. That's the end of that question. It's just if you're gonna come to Brazil. They just look. This is how it happens, Nia.

This is how it happens. They say and then somebody else says, yeah, I'll go you know, I'll go down there for the Grand Prix. They have a Grand Prix there. I didn't know what about Carnival. I am not gonna go down there watching everybody shaking their asses. Oh really because you would have just such a hard time watching But you have hot Brazilian women exactly making shaking their asses. I would have a hard time I have a very hard time. I'd be standing like Ron Burgundy my fucking slacks erection. I don't know Do do do do do I would Fuck you, Nia. Alright, car in LA. Hello, Billy Biceps.

No, I never got into that whole fucking thing going into some fucking, you know, do go to Amsterdam. You could walk into a, this fucking horror in the window. Well, I don't think Carnival is like that. It's just, it's like, everyone's like dancing in a celebrate. Yeah, walking around with their ass is hanging out. It's not like's like everyone's like dancing and celebrating. Yeah, what around the rashes hanging out It's not like going into the red light district in Amsterdam though I just as far as I can tell Brazil is like what it's what's the capital there? Is it really I have no idea? I don't know I've heard from what I've heard from my friends. It's one big red light district

But I guess that that's just where they went. Oh, that's where your friends were animals, and they just went there for the, we know what. That's something different. They went there to, you know, experience the culture. Experience the legalities that are afforded to women who aren't allowed to make a change in the world. How much fun was this podcast before you got here? All right. All right, Billy Biceps.

Really? Billy, fucking, grandmother, arms. Now that I've kissed your ass a bit Make sure you work on those triceps. Those are the real beach muscles like I go to the beach. I got a question To throw your way good Lord do that's what I figured you know Get to it. I have been working in the TV industry and I'm loving it I have applied for a gig out there in LA and wouldn't mind hearing a rant about what it is like to live out there.

I love biking everywhere. The one with the pedals and everyone tells me that if I move out there, I will need a car. Bullshit, but for real, what are your thoughts? I like electric cars is that practical thanks for an average podcast at best go fuck yourself. Oh Jesus Yeah, oh yeah got all of that one gross You know what nea you think you can do better

You think you can find a better balding fat freckled redhead. Yeah, you go out you go do it I don't know why you keep saying that you're fucking sheetish look at that. Oh, you look great You know something near you're not helping me classic comedian response. No, you're not helping I don't take a compliment. I don't look like a fucking fucking guy. I'm not gonna stay in the self-loading space. Oh, shit. If you don't look good, I don't tell you, you look good.

You know? Okay. You noticed in 2009, I didn't say a fucking thing to you. All right. Yeah, you can bike everywhere, but it's really dangerous. There's a lot of frosted bicycles out here And now there's this weird thing where they just drew a bicycle in the middle of the street And all the people on bikes go see that's a bike lane. It isn't what it is is you get money from the federal government

If you just spray paint a bike on the street. Is that true? Yeah, that's why they do it. Because it doesn't really feel like it's always a proper lane. It's just like a little section off to this. Not a lane. They put it like a third of the way out into the road. And then these people and bicycles are like, I have a right to be out there. And it's like, of course you do. Absolutely.

But when there's a car behind you, just get over to the right and let us get past. There's such fucking assholes. They go out there and they dress like they're in a bike race and they won't get the fuck out of the way. So don't be one of those guys. And then what happens is if they get hit, it's a fucking tragedy. It's like, no, you're a moron who's riding a bicycle. Like I stopped riding a motorcycle out here who's insane to be on a motorcycle and I'm going as fast as fucking cars. Now you're going to be out

there on a bicycle which is basically a motorcycle without a motor. Yeah, you're out of your mind. You can definitely bike out here. People bike all the time. New York City, you can. New York City is incredible. Maybe don't rely on your biking to and from work and stuff when you come out here. Now what you have to do is you got to go down the side streets. You got to figure out a way to serpentine but I would not drive go down sunset or Santa Monica or Melrose Beverly all the main ones Highland La Brea Coanga Fairfax Crescent Heights La Siena Don't he any tell him how wonderful it is to live out here third Avenue, Wilshire

Third Street. Third Street, there you go. No, third Avenue. I'm talking about Santa Monica. Third Street. No, those are avenues out there. Third Street, like Third Street Promenade. Third Street Promenade, yeah. No, third Avenue. But then down the way here is Third Avenue. Okay, it isn't. I don't know. Just talk to him about how great this is about here. That's great We're running out of water. There's no baby seals washing up onto the shore Because the oceans are fished out. It did kind of rain today. I think maybe got real cloudy Very overcast overcast. It's yet to be out of house at Iran

I'm ready to see ex-mashing on today. What is that? The movie that I wanted to see. One of the robot movie. About the robot, yeah. That mad, or Mad Max, one of the other. Are both. Both movies star in women. God knows you guys will complain or something.

Yeah, but the trailer when you've had a penis, you'd be bigger. Blah! Blah! Blah! Um, I just like breaking your fucking balls because everybody just sits there going oh my god Everything you say it's so valid. Did you talk to him about the electric car because I know you've been wanting to get in a

Electric car No, no, a Tesla so it's super expensive though. No I don't know we Super expensive no Well, there's two testers. The S-type that has one electric motor and that's moves the rear wheels like the old days. And then they have the new one. I forget what it's called, but that has two motors. One for the front and one for the back and what's amazing about electric power from what I've been looking is that the torque

is instantaneous. How have you say it? Like 691 pounds of torque at zero RPMs. Like immediately. I think that's why I can't have a transmission because it would rip the fucking gears right out of it. But then I don't understand how I don't I've never seen the inner workings of it. So how does it turn the wheels and not fucking?

You know rip those things to show and I was looking on the website. They have all these diagrams and videos and stuff that is cool I got to I got to look at it's it's amazing you can at this point you can drive across the country with the one that has two motors because you're gonna drive it like a maniac You get like a hundred and fifty miles before you got a You know recharge it and then the S1 to get like 200 something or whatever But all I know is you know the average person, you know, you're not going on a fucking road trip I mean 150 miles for a lot of people is like three four days of work. You come home every day You charge it like a cell phone and then you never have to go to a gas station again and right now the golden age of electric Cars that the the recharging is free.

You know, eventually that's not gonna be free. The only issue I had though when I was looking at the website, they have a map, because you can put in your zip code and it'll tell you where all the charge stations are. And like, they're all at hotels. And it's like, they're for hotel guests only. Like there's one of the W.U.R.

You'll have one at your house, too Right, well that makes sense. Yeah, they should see the people down the street with their thing plugged in and they have them at the mall like all the malls and Everything like that. They've got them everywhere. So I don't think it's in practical. No, not at all evidently they're popping up like They're multiplying But everybody I know that has one. Everybody that doesn't have one is nervous about anyone like oh my god what if it just shuts off and I can't fuck out. But everybody know that has one says they fucking ear to ear grin.

Who has one that you know? I want a right in one. I want to see what it's like. Bunny mind that plays drums has one. Another bunny mind and comedian has one. I'm not gonna say I'll tell you afterwards but I've driven one and it was I just drove the one that has the motor in the back It's the fastest fucking car I ever drove it was sick That's cool. You just step on it and it's just into the seat Fine, it's amazing. The only thing I didn't like though is the center console like on the dashboard It's like this it's a huge super. Yeah, super super sized iPad it's very I feel like it would be really distracting I would want to shade to pull down and it's like you can go online it's like but

why do you need to be doing that I don't want to drive anything you use it for like the radio and well they constantly sending you like you get in the car and they'll they'll just beam you updates. The car is updating. That's distracting. That's not. No, no, no, you get there and it's just updating. That's cool. Oh, OK.

Do you know they have a thing where the new, all the new cars are suspension like the Corvette's stuff. You can have like, you know, regular suspension, sports suspension, super sport, whatever fuck you want to call it. They have the sports suspension. And then their next one is just called insane It's kind of stupid, but actually kind of like it

All right, where am I going here? Jesus, did you watch any of the Cavaliers game? You know that I didn't oh my god Everybody in the Cavaliers limping around like they're playing soccer, making all these faces and shit. I don't understand. You barely step on a guy's toe and you see a mountain of a man just crumpled to his knees. And then he wins the game and then LeBron immediately is like, oh, cameras on me. Let me crumple down to the floor. And then he said this shit where they go, ah, you know, how is the game

whatever? He goes, he's like, well, if I'm gonna be a leader of this team, even if I'm hurt, I need to step up. It's like, are you writing what they're supposed to be saying on sports center? He's really good at media. He really isn't. That's how he got trouble the first time.

I'm taking my talent list to South Beach. But these kids today, they all grew up on fucking, they all grew up on sports, and so they speak in sound bites, then the fucking the animals on sports centers just repeating them to back in the day nobody have a fucking said shit like that Moses Malone you fucking had 90 rebounds at 50 points how did you do that he's like I just goes to the rack that's it Larry you guys lost by 20 what happened yeah we played like a bunch of sissy's that was it we was joking about that with law

Had if he said that today he'd have to fucking go to stuff called people sissy's dot net and apologize What is your comments on Larry birds hateful statements? All right, so yeah, I would get elected this bunch is there's the Chevy Volt. There's a bunch of things if you want to get something like that. But I think you'll really get into cars out here because you live in them. Speaking of which, I get my truck back tomorrow. So what was going on was the there was a spring in the clutch that was touching the exhaust. So that was the only problem. Thank God. So there's not more on with the clutch or anything in

the transmission. All right. Oh I might need if any point if you want to fucking walk out you asshole. All right baseball season bill Is it me or is baseball in a rut? There's nothing exciting going on no great pitching performances no exceptional bats Did you check out any socks games when you were back in Boston? I can address all of that you probably came of age during the steroid error. I'm actually loving it. I think baseball is back to the way it should be. I love that KC. Born?

It was, you don't like any sports. I feel like baseball is especially, I don't know, it just can be a little... It doesn't appeal to you. It's not like, I guess, I don't know. It just can be a little bit. It doesn't appeal to you. It's not like, I guess, I don't know. Is that lame though? I mean, is baseball really an amazing sport? I'm not giving it enough of a chance. Because I feel like basketball games I like to go to hockey games,

maybe because it's just constantly fast paced. There's like a stage that there's always action going on. The ball isn't played, yeah. Okay. Maybe that's it. Yeah, you got to settle into You got to settle in the baseball once you understand a little more what's going on It's like cricket. I thought cricket was the dumbest thing I ever saw and then when I started learning some of the rules It's actually really kind of cool. Oh, okay, so whatever

But if it's you know some sports just aren't for you like for the life of me I sat down and after everything was done Remember you came home last night you like why you watching the rich kids of Beverly Hills Yeah, it was because the basketball was done the everything was done. Remember you came home last night, you're like, why are you watching the rich kids of Beverly Hills? Yeah. It was because the basketball was done, the baseball was done, the hockey was done. And I put on some soccer or whatever football, and I tried watching it.

Of course I put it on and there's some guy laying on the ground, crying and everybody's sitting there and, oh, you know, flapping their arms around, like the biggest tragedy just fucking happened And I just just bored with the tears. I love MMA. That's my favorite sport at the moment. Okay, I like that too. All right, so whatever Okay, also I want to say that despite you getting shit for sticking up for Brady You always really you're always really kind to most teams when they win you congratulate can graduate teams that beat your teams. I don't know why you get so much shit. Are you allowed to hate the Canadians in Alabama or whichever team it is down there?

You trashed. Thanks for getting for the laughs. Oh, I had somebody fucking notice. Like I didn't trash the Canadians too much for fucking illusion. How could I? We didn't make the playoffs. But I got to tell you that Tom Brady suspension is a fucking tragedy. Oh, and all the people that spoke up John L. Way go, you know, you got to follow the rules really, John L. Way, like when you get drafted, you fucking show up. He didn't. The guy gets drafted and he goes, Oh, I'm not going to play with the cults. The cults suck. Trademey. John, that's not how it works.

Well, fuck you. Then I'm going to go play the cults the cults suck trade me John. That's not how it works Well, fuck you then I'm gonna go play baseball all right John That guy came in breaking fucking rules and he's gonna turn around and say that shit. I've got fuck all of these fucking people ridiculous Fucking NFL doesn't even pay taxes for goddamn 70 fucking years You're a non-profit. Oh my God. The fucking horset. Full games near. The guy would drop the punched a woman in the head get fucking two games until the video got out and they're like, oh wait a minute, we mean we don't tolerate that here. All right, where's pickup line ever? Yeah. Where's well, that one, that one

you respond to right? Because that involved the lady god yourself is Worst pickup line ever Bill heard you talking about bad pickup lines me and my friends do this all the time One night we were trying to think of the worst pickup lines to open up with to a girl with do that some of the Funnest nights you ever have it just saying the worst shit just watching you guys fun for you guys. Yeah It's not about you Why are you saying it's all about you just say it to each other then listen? Yeah, if you fucking told you trying to involve us in your fucking with dumb your dumb Oh, I should go with the worst pick up lines ever. That'll be hilarious like you why don't you just

Do it for each other. Why do you have to bring us into it yeah if you did that something like that to guys with your lady friends there I would think it was funny if you just start fucking with guys it'd be funny I don't know maybe yeah I don't know I haven't I haven't tried to throw out lines to anybody in a bar. I'm like an 11 year. So maybe I'm a little on practice. Worst pickup line ever. All right. But blah, blah, blah.

Sorry. Neal, you want to leave on this one? Because it's so fucking annoying. All right. What night were I'm already in the way by the question? I don't even know what it is. But go on. One night we're trying, he said, he sent us on a cell phone.

We were trying to think of the worst pickup line so I opened up to a girl and trying to be as creepy as possible, stumbled onto approaching a girl and opening up with the line of, so how old were you when you got your period? Oh, Jesus Christ. Why? You sound like a fucking pedophile.

You know why? So how old were you when you got your period? What? I can explain it in one go. No, I don't know if it's explaining. Two words. Apocalypse now. Apocalypse now.

The horror. What is the rest of this jackass? This is like a 20 year year, I hope to God. It's like a 20 year old person and not a man in his 30s. That knows better. I don't know who this is, but I love him because he's fucking annoying you. All right. This is as this did this as a goof with force, different strange woman.

After I said it to a few of the girls, I knew first as a joke, of course. And something surprised. It happened. They started telling me about it unfazed by the creepy inquiry. It's almost like they've been waiting to talk about it forever. Oh yeah, we are just waiting forever to talk to some strange asshole in a bar about the first time we got our period. Are you fucking insane? And who are you talking to? Drunk sorority bitches? They don't count? Sorry. Okay. You're yelling at this man's just sharing his experience. Sorry. Ha ha. He says. Yeah, exactly. I'm not saying you should actually use this as a pickup line, but I was I really thought you were seriously suggesting this. Oh, you got to go in here But I will say that it opened up a long conversation with four different girls

I didn't know and even became friends with one of them I don't know what that means, but it seems pretty surprising to me that they weren't completely creeped out I figured they'd be creeped out or leave or call the cops or something anything, but what actually happened crept out or leave or call the cops or something. Anything but what actually happened. Story qualifiers. This line was delivered in a joking yet interesting tone, interested tone, and these were some presumably trashy girls at one of the trashiest bars in America. At parentheses from Indianapolis. So don't try it on a girl at a bar at the Plaza Hotel. This is more of a motel six bar spooner. So he basically would have a bar.

If they had a bar. He confirmed my point, which was like, what's the thing? Who is this that you're saying this to? You know what he did. He was like, oh my god, actually, I was fucking for it's me, right? And I thought I was like so old.

And it's like, I feel really bad about myself but then like my mom you thought that it's totally normal and it's like I can't believe you're even asking me this because most guys are so grossed out by it can we make out yeah dummies do you know what he did near because any grown woman alright with half a goddamn fucking brain cell, even if you're like, so no, but seriously, how long did you get your period? Will look at you like the fucking immature jackass moron that you are and walk away from your ass.

You know, the fact that I'm even wasting my breath on answering this ridiculous thing just goes to show you. I was going to Lola ahead of myself. All. I didn't really have anywhere to go after that All this guy did was you went out and he had a little bit of fun Well isn't that just sweet boys just being boys a little a little rap scallion Is it okay to get out of here you scam? Is it okay for us for boys to be boys? Is it okay for us to do that? So do you have a problem with that? No, no, not at all. Is there a problem when girls be girls?

What happens to you guys something horrible that we need to understand? Apparently men ask this one was the first time that we had our period Okay, you know something But let me ask then you over stage you Anyway, but wait but let me ask then you overstayed you I just want to ask the guy I just want to ask the noise. I wanted to I don't anymore. So what did he learn in all of this? Okay, so fine. All right I'm so learning our relax. I'll relax. He was just being silly and trying to be creepy and trying to have a good time Fine, but like so these women I'm sorry everybody

I'm sorry everybody period, but what did they actually say? Sorry, I thought I might be what did you actually say? Sorry, I thought I was going around a bit. How come I didn't, did you actually learn anything about a woman's menstrual cycle? Were you shut up? Like, they're supposed to learn something. He's just fucking around. So, he even write it and then, I'm just trying to understand the point.

Because this is the point. The point is, is we go out and we have to try to fucking convince you guys to have sex with us. It's up to us to fucking come up with some sort of line. And it's a fucking terrible thing. Was that his way of like trying to get somebody to have sex with him? No, what I'm saying is near. When you're fucking coming out and your voice is changing and it's up to you to initiate the thing,

it can be for a lot of guys, it's a very intimidating thing. So to get to the point in basically not giving a fuck, this is like a standup comic who's no longer afraid of the crowd and can handle himself and actually can dig a little bit of a hole, no pun intended, and maybe still be in the fucking game. All right, that's all he's doing here. He's having a good fucking time. That's it. And he went into some shit hole fucking thing and he's having fun. Do you think he actually hooked up with these pigs? Maybe he did.

Okay, but if he did, it's his dick and her fucking vagina to stay out of it. God, Lee, why don't I stay with the fuck, you just having a little bit of fun here. No, listen, you just made a lot of good points. I know, so you don't gotta go all Edith Warden, every fucking time a guy puts a smile on his face. Who's Edith Warden?

Edith Warden's that lady who made the flag in the afghan in the late 1800s. No, she was married and she didn't like to be fucking married. We had to read the stupid ass fucking book in college. And you know what? It's stunk. She was a feature acted best. All right, dollar-shaped club. No, you've robbed a lot of good points and I I I was send my iron in the last one, okay?

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Legal help is here. All right. There we go Jesus Christ and Plain Sonny was gonna hit the fucking house. Well, I hope you enjoyed your time Just week on the podcast. It's been a long time. Yeah, brow beating. What are you talking about you own it last Thursday? For like a second. This is the longest I've been on in. Oh, guys, is it ever enough? All right. Listen, thank you.

I was just saying I was not in for a second. I'm fucking with you. I'm fucking with you. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you for everybody for listening. Once again, I will be down in the comedy store this Wednesday at 8.30 hosting the all things comedy network live stand-up show with a bunch of other comedians Neil Brennan Al Madrigal

Go to the fucking comedy stores website. Sorry They'll figure it out figure out what's going on. That's the podcast My next big tour Why don't I give you that? I don't have a name for this one. I'm sorry to everybody, but it's going to be a West Coast tour. A Falkin West Coast tour. Just sit right back in the here that tails. It's going to start off in Portland, Oregon. And then I go. What is Oregon like? You know, I hear it's beautiful. Not even like it.

I'm going. I've always wanted to go to Oregon. Is it in Portland now? Yeah. Yeah, I want to go to Portland. It's supposed to be really beautiful. No, Oregon is not in Portland. Portland is in Oregon.

Oh, is that what you said? That's what I, Portland is not a state. That's what I meant. Neither is Seattle. I understand. That's what I meant. Neither is Seattle. Chicago. Chicago. State or city?

What? Chicago. Is that a state or a city? It's a state. No, it's a city. Oh my- Wow! Oh my god.

What? I know. I know. I was saying that to be insulting. Nashville. State or city? City. It's because you watch the show. That's true. Love that show.

What's the capital buffalo? The capital of Buffalo. Do you mean the capital of New York? I don't know. I don't know. Do I? What is it? It begins with an A. The capital of New York. Wait, it's, um, oh my God. Oh my God. You only lived there for 10 years. Yeah, look at this.

You want to make the same amount of hours make unbelievable. What is the capital of New York? I really can't think of it right now. My mind is completely drawing a blank. Albany. Yes. Why not take Albany?

Why did you say the capital of Buffalo? Did you fuck up till then when you left? No, I was trying to trip you up. Oh, okay. Oh wait, so look at your you're gonna be in Portland, Oregon Capital of Buffalo is anchor is gonna be in Reno, Nevada, June 20th Santa Rosa, California, June 9th in 19th I'll be in Sacramento for some reason or another day. Okay, June 21st Santa Rosa June 22nd San Jose June 23rd Fresno.

Never been to Fresno. June 24th Bakersfield, California June 25th, Highland, California. Where is that? Is that obviously near Bakersfield? It's in the inland empire. Oh, the IE bitch. Okay.

At the San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino. And yes, June 26th 26 and 27 Vegas baby. Yeah at the Maranj. Yeah, very excited Okay, Tucson Arizona June 28th and then he's in Moell on July 22nd and July 23rd. There you go for the just for laughs Comedy fest. That's right. And I'm working on a Toronto date in for the Just for Laughs comedy fest. That's right, and I'm working on a Toronto date in September and then I'm also trying to put together a bus ride. Toronto. Yes.

Right into the loop six with my woes. Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about the bullshit. All right. I'm talking about the passion. Love and compassion That day is coming All else are cats building me And I wonder where I'll never going to change Feeling under the field

Don't let things go, it's remained All the children say We don't need a dollar hero We don't need to know the way home Oh, it won't last much longer So what do we do in our lives? We live on the path Where our stories seem like a lie

Are in this a town Even all of them are dead We don't need to know the where, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, we want this like we are Never gonna fall you