Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-13

Episode Date: May 28, 2013

Bill rambles about Memorial Day, casino floors and working out.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, um, May 27th 2013 I don't like the way I just said, um Monday, um You ever get yourself sounding like a douche there? Happy Memorial Day Happy Memorial Day a beautiful time to thank the troops and stuck you stuff your motherfucking face with shit All right, isn't that what you're doing? Let's all have a moment of silence for everyone who made a sacrifice for this country All right, let's go stuff our faces right isn't that what isn't what every fucking holiday is?

Flag day today is a day To remember remember remember all the flags set up waves are all about this country country country And now let's stop our faces faces faces Let's get drunk and have a fight with our mothers mothers You know isn't that what it is how many people are actually gonna go to a fucking parade today? From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Triple D huh, who can sing beyond that fucking two lines Other than a goddamn X Marine or a current Marine

One of the other is that what they do when you when you join the Marines by the way Do you have to sing that song as some drill sergeant is in your face? I don't hate you You fucking scream it But oh shit You're singing like one of them quirks Right, I commend anybody who's in the military service simply for the ability to get through boot camp and having somebody screaming in your face And just pushing down every ounce of your being to not like just punch that guy right in the fucking face

This is thing like I've thought about that shit right like let's say things get really fucked up and all of a sudden they want to draft Soon to be 45 year old balding red heads like myself, and I've actually thought about for some reason I Think I think about it whenever I do pull-ups because whenever I do pull-ups I always climb the rope I always think you think I could make it through fucking maybe three obstacles Three obstacles in one of those boot camp things I could get up the fucking rope I Probably couldn't do the required amount of pull-ups But I wonder if I could just get out of the drill sergeant, you know

I'll still think you're a queer but I'm impressed with your upper body strike in your rage get the fuck out my face right Could at least get one of those but my thing is if someone was screaming in my ear like that like I got I got tonight Is what our tetanus however the fuck you say I have it one of my ears So if the guy's screaming in my ears, I'd have to be like yeah, excuse me. I just you know, I Not trying to not be marine like but I just want to let you know that I played a lot of drums and My ears are very sensitive if you could just You know you can continue with the insults

I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but if you could just somehow bring the volume down You know then immediately I'm pile because everybody else has to start doing push-ups It's just quiet enough for your private burr Look at the rest of your put to Sitting here doing push-ups because you don't want me to yell too loud Just exactly how quiet do you think war is you redheaded freckled fucking faggot Right, there's no what they don't say to you. It's always the homophobic shit. There's no what they come at you with Huh, I bet you're sucking dick

You know what I actually shouldn't say any this because I have no idea what they say to you other than what I've watched in movies you know So anyways happy Memorial Day A beautiful time to thank the troops and stuff you fucking face with some shit That should be the official Memorial Day I Think the only people who truly appreciate it are people who have actually served and no people who have served You know That would be my really built you really think that the people who are closest to it appreciate it the most

What other groundbreaking things are you gonna say in this podcast? Oh, I know I know I'm a moron All right, can you just let me have my moment? Can you? Well, all right then I'm in New York City right now. I'm in my old apartment Lonely as shit. I don't know how I used to do this as a single man you know Although I have to tell you it's

You guys know the comedian Ted Alexandra if you don't you should he's one of the best fucking comics out there Used to have this great joke. I'll just do the gist of it because I don't want to fucking burn joke He used to say that basically If it was essentially that you know being single it sucked at night Because you were lonely, but it was great for the rest of the day. I Can't say I'm feeling that but I do have to I have to concur with that joke that at nighttime when you fucking go home By yourself, that's when it gets to you I think as when you wake up in the morning you have errands to run you gotta go to the gym, you know this hope

That's what it is. There's hope that you're gonna find somebody You know when at night all that hope is gone and it's just you Pine ice cream and a slice of pizza You know slowly crying as you're crying softly as you're chewing Getting down to the crust Actually, you know I've I've made a rule that this time when I go through New York I'm not having any pizza and I'm not having any ice cream and I know what you're thinking

Bill you're in New York City. You have to have the pizza. Okay. Well, I'm gonna tell you what I've had enough New York pizza to last me a fucking lifetime. First of all 90% of New York pizza sucks a giant Pizza cock because it doesn't make any sense. Um, doesn't make sense Simply because there's so many people living off the fucking reputation that New York has great pizza, you know That's the problem. New York does have great pizza, but there's no laws prohibiting anybody From opening a pizza shop saying the best pizza in New York City, you know It's fucking horrific Maybe if I do danger fields, I'll go over to that Sutton pizza there over on 1st Avenue

I always liked that pizza had a nice fucking zip over there And I zipped to the sauce there nice little tang there and nice little what the fuck was that there in their In their pizza slices You know Pizza's always that shit. You like stumbling home after a couple two three fucking whiskies, right? And then you fucking uh, I Don't know what I'm saying. I realize I have to get a fucking appointment book because I just realized how much shit I just planned for tomorrow You know, I'm gonna get a steak fucking dinner

with Joey roses and Keith Robinson Somebody over at the stand comedy club The head chef over there is gonna teach me how to make a fucking pizza pie over there Because I got the big green egg and I can heat that fucker up to 700 degrees you guys even know what I'm talking about Just realize that I bought this this big green egg this Barbecue or in a smoker And they give you this book showing you all the wonderful shit that you can make on it And all I've made on it is burgers hot dog and fucking chicken

So I want to take it to the next level. I want to be able to make a pizza, but you gotta know how to make your own fucking dough you know Which I don't know how to do so I'm gonna have this person show me how to do it because I'm a fucking see Right, I'm always trying something new. Oh, what's that? What's that bill up to the fucking today? Anyways, how about those Bruins, huh? Here we go Bruins here we go That's how it used to be that's the chant that used to get going back in the days in the old Boston God Now they go let's go Bruins, and I'm telling you that's the Ranger champ It was here we go Bruins here we go and let's go Rangers

All right. Well, you know where the Rangers are going now out to the fucking golf course Because yes the Bruins in one short week Went to the fucking Mecca Madison Square Garden And in five games it was actually a five game sweep who's kidding who you know Not to take anything away from the Rangers, but I'm gonna all right When the whole rally on your side gets going because our goalie fell down I Wouldn't have you ever said goalie he just falls down like some kid playing pee we hockey and then he tried to go

Oh, there was a rut in the ice. Ah You fell down to it's okay. It happens to the best of us go down to a public rink. You see it all the time My favorite thing in a public rink is watching that guy when it takes like 12 seconds for him to fall Oh Right The fucking six going backwards six going forwards, right and then the fucking that whip bam And it's usually the back hits first and then the fucking whip lash and then the head makes that nice hollow coconut Right off the fucking ice that

unmistakable sound of somebody squash hitting a sheet of ice That's a fuck. That's an incredible sound You know what and I don't think that that can be reproduced by Hollywood Unless you actually had somebody slam their head on it. That's incredible Not even with one of those Casio keyboards that has access to over a thousand sound effects They never have do you ever notice that they never have the sound effect of a head hitting the asphalt or Or a sheet of ice so there's one few nerds

Why isn't somebody out there, you know One of you Photoshop cunts out there try to get me up the perfect that that perfect sound effect and set it to me And I'll have my first sound effect on the podcast You know and I'll turn this into a wacky morning show and every time I say something dumb I go Oh, what was I thinking and then I'll click the button and then you'll hear it And then you'll laugh And then you'll be in the parking lot of your job Holding on to the steering wheel ten and two just staring at that front door that you don't want to walk through

Having those last few moments to yourself Thinking about all the decisions you made over the last 12 years Why did I break up with her? Why did I major in this? Why did I buy this car? Why can't I feel feelings anymore There's your eyes well up with tears you just Look up at the heavens Wonder if there's some old guy up there that gives a fuck You cry softly

And then for some unexplained reason you look over to the left And this there's your boss stare at you With this weird look on his face like Is that Mike crying in his fucking car? She quickly tried to play it off like you sneeze you take a big deep breath and you push all those fucking feelings down You like it and you get out of the car. Hey, boss. Hey boss. How you doing? And I allergies allergies Yeah, I'll see you in there. Yeah, I can't wait I

Sorry Anyways, so the Bruins Are now gonna go play the the most confusing franchise In in in NHL in the NHL I Don't know how to feel about the fucking penguins I totally respect them and I'm fucking blown away by their ability to Somehow always get the guy. That's the next guy. I mean, it's insane. I would like the last 20 years

25 years I would actually put them beyond the Yankees Yeah, wait a minute, or I would kick I would know I would compare them to the Yankees When that when when the Yankees You know got Babe Ruth then Lou Gehrig then Joe DiMaggio Mickey Mantle I would actually that this is the closest thing you've seen. Well, they the penguins Mario Lemieux Yara Miri Aga Cindy Crosby

And fucking Gino Malkin. I don't know how to say and and Denny. I don't know how to fucking say these hockey names nowadays I used to be Jacques all these French fucking names. That was easy, right? Michel Goulet. Oh, oh, oh shoot. He scores on the top Fucking for absolute snipers. I mean unbelievable fucking top-notch goddamn players It's incredible Right, they have that and then on the other side right and then whenever they get hit They'll like, you know, Mario Lemieux's like no, you know, if people don't stop cheating. I'm not gonna play anymore

right Jagger was always like, oh, he's got a mullet and he just loves those Kit Kats He eats them all the time some people play. That's why you know, he's scored all those goals I'll tell you I wish I knew that when I played All right, Sydney Crosby Big pouty lipped fucking Cub Scout that he is, you know What's the hate about that guy other than the fact that you know, he doesn't do anything wrong in life Help an old people cross the street even with the skates on runs out of the arena

Is that an old person trying to cross the street? Just a fucking Wheaties Cereal box cover looking son of a bitch. Why is he a son of a bitch because you know, he's better than you Had in shoulders the best fucking guy in the league Then you got Malkin Guy who could be a fucking cunt and be like, hey, what about me? He doesn't give a shit He just plays this goddamn game and it's tremendous. All right It's a great fucking hockey town

They had one of the great last arenas that melon arena Carnegie Mellon Heinz, whatever the fuck they called it Goddamn Pittsburgh people they got three names for everything see the Heinz Carnegie Carnegie Mellon or just melon I guess that's four, but it was really just Carnegie Mellon just all fucking remix like P Diddy's in there By the way, the more years that goes by That biggie has been dead and his legend just keeps growing and growing with the fact that nobody's ever matched that guy's ability With humor storytelling and being able to paint a fucking picture

Forget about his charisma It's the last time you saw a guy even remotely with the fucking charisma of that guy All right, it's the years go by and you keep going back Frustrated with the new shit and you just keep going back to that that mumbling Fucking shit that Puffy does on every fucking track It's it's like is can somebody out there Send me some fucking Biggie tracks where you you removed

Puffy if going that's right Okay, and the fucking background whatever the fuck he says or just repeats every god They the last word of every line that biggie says it's like we heard it Wasn't it enough for you to be in there with the fucking faders pushing those up and down I gotta listen to your mumbling jackass I Tell you one of the worst fucking rap songs ever was when he and that other mumbling jacket mace Tell me who's high who's not tell me who's how do you know what tell me which one of you's fucking rapping because I can't tell Why am I this upset? Anyways, let's let's let's let's dial it down. Let's dial it down. Let's get back to the fucking to the aspect. Okay

I'm agreeing with him Ah Fuck so that's one side of the penguins and then on the other side other penguin and you know Crosby bitch moaning and complaining Mario and you bitch moaning and complaining about the thuggery the cheating and all that fucking shit and then like right in their own goddamn locker room they have had The exact same thing where you had the Ruth DiMaggio Mickey Mano Luke Eric

They've had that of the fucking biggest goddamn Kneebreakers Cheating sons of bitches ever You know I have this love hate with the penguins You know I love them because I respect the franchise and I hate them Because not because they have these cheating cunts that fucking just go out there and try and end people's careers It's the fact that they then have the balls To bitch, you know, that's kind of hockey the islanders are gonna play. I mean, I don't know why we're even in this league

Be well you got fucking Matt cook in 35 years of watching people play hockey I've never seen a guy check somebody in the boards and accidentally completely sever the guy's fucking Achilles tendon How does that happen? I Don't know They say it was a fucking accident and if it was anybody else, I would have believed it You know what the sad thing about Matt cook is the guy can actually play He's a fucking great player and he's definitely toned down his shit

But I mean I can't ever forgive the guy because he ended Savard's career guys on a follow-through of a fucking shot Could not be more vulnerable and you come by at 30 miles an hour And hit him with that plastic shoulder blade with pad which is like hitting somebody across the jaw at the fucking wrench and you end his goddamn career Unbelievable I'm fucking so this is gonna be This is gonna be a brutal series The only fucking weak part I can see on the penguins is the they have shaky gold tending You know, but just their offensive power, I just I am I Don't know

My heart says Bruins, but if I was putting money on it, I mean I would say penguins and six I Know there's a lot of bruins. There's no way to fuck. We fucking shank it We were you you fucking get no weird now that you're living out fucking LA dude No, I just watch enough hockey and I've seen what the fuck they're capable of like Cindy Crosby is literally unstoppable You know, I'm fucking stoppable and if they just had one guy like that, you know like the capitals And Ovechkin's nowhere near Crosby, although he had a great year Now get have those guys fucking whine into me You know if you just fucking had him but the fact that you have all those other guys, you know, I'm all gonna know those guys

It's not it's gonna be fucking I don't I I you know what I'm calling it right now. We we're gonna play the trap We're gonna try and play that boring ass fucking hockey and it's gonna kill me I'm gonna have to watch cuz it's my team, but I want before anybody sends me the emails No, I don't enjoy watching it even if we win a game. I don't like it because I really enjoyed watching the penguin senators series even though that one last game was a that seventh goal game was a fucking Was a blowout

Oh, by the way Once again, you know, a lot of people explained to me why there was such hatred towards Maple Leaf fans Toronto in general and all that type of thing and everybody was saying that basically that that's the biggest city in Canada and that's where like all the media is So because all the media is there, it's like Everybody in Toronto then thinks the whole fucking country or the whole world revolves around them. I'm not saying it's true I'm an outsider, but that's what they say, but it reminded me kind of a kind of like like New Yorkers You know what I mean?

Like they just think everything begins and fucking ends You know with like man The only reason Madison Square Garden is this Mecca is because it's in the middle of the biggest fucking city With all this media here, you know, and a lot of New Yorkers they really confuse that it's a Mecca That's just a gathering place People come and play hoop there Because that's where they can make the most amount of fucking money and get the most amount of media exposure But that has nothing to do with the Knicks or how good

Or the legendary the Knicks are not legendary. They're not All right With Spike Lee sitting courtside your fucking low rent Jack Nicholson Woody Allen with his awful hat Jesus Christ You know At least LA they have the decency to get their faces laminated If you're gonna be the celebrity sitting on the side just fucking with you anyway, so the Knicks are out The Rangers are out

because of the Boston Bruins and Once again the garden is silent and it's ready for the circus The Mecca That's that's their fucking that's what happens every goddamn year Do you realize the Rangers have won one Stanley Cup in the last 73 fucking years? You understand that? Do you realize that in like the fucking 60 something years that the NBA's been around the New York Knicks have won only two titles

Two titles last one they won was in 1973. Well, let's do the math on that one. That was 40 fucking years ago That's why Versey kills me dude the garden was rocking last night. He's always telling me how loud the garden is I'm fucking believable really Okay Louder than the fucking piece of shit TDF XYZ garden, whatever the fuck they call the Boston Garden now When the Bruins came back down fucking three goals in a game seven was it louder than that? Paul Versey? I'm asking you Um, all right, you're listening to the Monday morning podcast here everybody. Jeez louise

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That's e-voice.com promo code bill or just go to the podcast page billbird.com and click on the e-voice banner Right now. All right. There you go See that helping you shave better helping you watch tv better helping you get your fucking business going you know I'm hoping you leave me behind Some day i'll be reading an ad for your company there Hey, let's keep let's keep talking with the sports here. All right. Who's kidding? Who I don't watch that much nba hoop I don't I really I like it. I know I shit on it a lot, but uh

I gotta tell you that dwayne weighed flying fucking elbow All right now it did look like he was trying to leap over the guy But at the last second there was no fucking reason to do what he did. It was like a wrestling move And I know it's debatable, but what killed me was reggie miller and the other commentator or steve kerr immediately The first reviewing of it just go yeah, that wasn't intentional at all that's that you know

It's it's part of the natural Bodyly movement when you leap into the air like one of your elbows just sticks out like that To give somebody a forearm shiver. He fucking gave the guy An impromptu flying elbow That's what I think he leapt in the air, you know, because they were kind of crossing over each other in a weird way He jumped over the guy And was like, oh, there's his head. Yeah, how about you know fucking right there right out of you like they gave one of those The guy collapses in a fucking heat

Although I heard he's known for flopping But it just killed me that just automatically does. Ah, yeah, yeah Holy shit. Look at that elbow. Oh wait, that's one of the superstars in the league. You know, I don't think that there was anything Premeditated, uh, there was no malicious act. Yeah, go Just it's ridiculous If that happened to dwayne wade and he went down I swear to god, both of them would it be like, so you know that that right there? That's the kind of thing that just does not belong In this game at this level or or at any level for that matter, you know, I mean there's kids at home watching this game

I mean, that's just a little look at that. Let's watch this again. I mean Oh, that's just disgraceful. That's just I mean just Premeditated, I'll tell you the league's got to take a look at this And uh, I would be really surprised if that gentleman was playing the next uh, the next contest Fucking superstar does it? Ah, you know, you didn't mean anything by that. You know, he's kind of uh I mean he was in the area to flap his wings like a bird, you know, he doesn't have any feathers So he's got to tuck his his his hands back towards his torso. It's very normal very normal right there um

That's it. That's all I know about hoop this week Other than I'm pulling for the paces Who else is playing who's out in the west? Oh, I love you know what I love I love the spurs and their white guy basketball that they play I Absolutely love they have fundamentally sound pick and roll Fucking kiss it off the glass. I can't jump either

Game that they play it's tremendous There's not a lot of white guys out there doing it, but when I when I watch the spurs play that's it looks like Five white guys playing pick up at the Y And and it's effective I don't know how they do it. So who who are they playing they're playing the grizzlies um I don't give a shit. I'm just so elated that the Lakers aren't in it So fucking elated

Absolutely love it and I hope Dwight Howard stays With the Lakers the same way I have enjoyed um What's his face alex rodriguez staying With the New York Yankees alex rodriguez is my most favorite Yankee of all fucking time You know As they try to shame him out of town And he's just like yeah, you know, you know, you want me to sit down in the playoff game. I don't give a fuck

I'm not leaving that contract. Go fuck yourselves. I'm staying I love it. I absolutely love it um Actually what's a really disturbing uh youtube video last night. I'm trying to think of how the hell I got there I was watching animals And I was watching these two little fucking weird things They can't see that well Their heartbeat when they're nervous can go up to like 1300 beats per minute

you know Like somebody trying to win one of those fastest hand single stroke roll drum contest They fucking they could beat them with with their heart They can't see that well And uh, I don't know They basically they have to live meal to meal their heart beats so fucking fast That if they miss a meal they could actually die The sleuth the sloth I don't know what the fuck this thing was but all I know

They don't see that well and they they two of them don't see each other till they literally run into each other I gotta find this fucking video And they just had this the sickest Fight I've ever seen in my life like they had to slow it down Like when they were showing it they go and this is not sped up footage This is how fast these guys it was like watching two fly weights times like you know to the fifth power So i'm watching that shit Which leads to more shit and then I see like these these

These bloodhounds getting fed By doing all that shit next thing and you know you just you just keep looking to the right and it's more You know eagles killing snakes snakes killing fucking this a mongoose killing a fucking uh Black mamba and then next thing you know i'm watching these rednecks Going bear hunting All right And they got all these dogs in these metal cages and they could stick their fucking heads out and it's hilarious

They stick their heads out and they're going Oh Right And all the p2p people are of course like they're saying I want to get out of this cage They're really excited because they want to go fucking hunting because what i'm what i'm thinking they're doing So am I thinking of hunt these bears with dogs? What the fuck is this? I mean a bear could just swat one of them kill them But what it is is they have so many of them and basically The dogs go

They chase the bear The bear goes up a tree And then like 10 rednecks walk up to the tree And then one of them decides all right i'll fucking shoot it And they shoot it and it falls out of the fucking tree It's just the worst thing i've ever seen in my life Just as far as like listen going bear hunting takes unbelievable fucking balls If it's you and a buddy

You know And you're in bear country And you could stumble upon a grizzly bear that's that she's walking with their cubs And then she immediately comes over and tries to rip your fucking face off And even though you got a gun that still takes an unbelievable amount of balls, but i gotta tell you this Hunting black bear with like fucking 10 dogs Five dogs and they chase it up a tree and then you show up watch this i'm gonna shoot that thing that's the size of my garage Fucking nailed it man. It was it was fucking disgusting

It was really disgusting I respect it on one level because you have an ability to live off the land the dollar crashes. You're like well We didn't have anything in the stock market. Fuck it. Let's go bear hunting You know because those people really are the ones who are going to survive So i have such a tremendous respect for anybody who hunts and has the ability To go out and and Basically go get some food unlike me. He's a total pussy. He just goes down to the fucking Grocery store

Yeah, can i get a pound of no make it three quarters the pound Of the turkey. Do you have the smoke? Let me get the smoke turkey Some harvarte cheese with that i'd like that right that's me hunting And i get frustrated when i can't find the cereal aisle. So i'm basically one of the guys who When the shit hits the fan You know and i'm in a city and i just get fucking herded into some goddamn fema camp. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done, right? Those rednecks will just fucking back slowly back off of their property

Like that dude who tuck his package between his legs in that movie with that chick who was in the fucking pinball movie, right? Silence of the lambs And just slowly fucking back out right into the woods and you never see him again And they're gonna be able to live off the land and fucking ride it out and they'll create a new clan you know And they'll be the ones that eventually topple over the bankers after they exterminate everybody and they take all the land And they'll laugh at those rednecks, you know and just call them a pesky problem They'll try to hunt them down with drones from their fucking villas

Those fucking rednecks they're gonna be out there covered in mud like rambo a little bit of deer urine behind their necks You know and eventually They're gonna come back like fucking a till of the hunt At all empires fall and it's gonna be those motherfucking rednecks who do it Tremendous respect from Okay, now I haven't said all of that Jason a fucking bear up a tree with a bunch of goddamn dogs And this does you just see the bear up there like things just up there like dude. Are you fucking kidding me?

you know it's it's It's not like chilling, but it's not totally upset. It's like, all right. I'm up a tree I don't really know what those things are. They're very loud as a lot of them But they don't seem to be able to climb up the tree. So eventually they'll get tired. They'll get thirsty. They'll leave I'll climb down, you know Crack open a keystone and have a paw full of honey and I'll just you know, that'll be my day Then all of a sudden these fucking You know just to get all more these fucking guys just come walking up and I'm telling you they're literally standing like

Maybe 20 yards from the tree And this giant furry beanbag is right up there and they've just shoot it in the neck And then it just falls and they always they don't need edit out it falling out of the fucking tree That's just it was just a uh, I don't know any rednecks out here listening to this where you can defend I don't know that just seems like the the tiddly winks of fucking hunting You know checkers not chess, you know what I mean? To quote Denzel in one of his movies where he screams at the fucking white guy from the suburbs

Doesn't quite you know was in over his head right teaching him the slang Um, all right. So like I mentioned, I'm here in New York City and uh at a great time last night I went down to uh the comedy cellar and did like three shows down there It reminded me the old days when I used to do all the shows here in New York and fucking jumping calves and sit back and forth between the clubs You'd have a new joke and you get to try it three times in one night. You just can't uh

You can't put a price tag on that I ran into ari shaffir who was living in LA. He's now in new york city um And he's working his way into the club. He told me last night He's going to start being leaving avails so you can check out ari shaffir. Hopefully on some upcoming shows and uh I'm psyched for psyched to watch him grow by leaps and bounds by getting all that uh that extra stage time So it's been a uh wonderful thing out here. Oh, I know what you know, I forgot to bring up um The toronto mayor

Can you guys give me some more information on that guy? They're trying to say that he was smoking crack and he goes uh, he goes that There's a video of him smoking crack. He said it doesn't exist Then he called the media a bunch of maggots. So so immediately I'm loving this guy He's talking all this shit, but then I kind of read up on him And he's got a lot of sketchy shit in the background I always wonder what you people in toronto think about the guy Or in neighboring cities. Do you think he is a piece of shit? Do you think uh, the media is a bunch of maggots out of fucking?

Let me know. Anyways, here we go. Bill As a penguins fan, I have to ask do you endorse the Bruins PA announcer going? After goals, if so, what is wrong with you? Um, I have to admit I hated it when I first heard it I hated it absolutely fucking hated it And uh, but I've come to an acceptance, but that the Bruins aren't mine anymore. I'm an old man now And uh, it's on to the younger generation and this is how they're doing it

and uh I got to admit now when I watch the games It's the playoffs and they score. I'm so fucking excited that when the guy goes. Whoo, I fucking do it too And I feel like fucking rick flair and it's and it's you can call me a douche all day long and you'd be 100 right It's I can't even defend it And if it wasn't my team, I would be trashing the shit out of it too. I really would All right Let me ask you this

You guys have alf samuelsing alf samuelsing alf samuelsing in your ring of honor Okay, let me ask you what's worse All right, and I know what you're gonna say you're gonna say the woo because you don't give a fuck You don't give a fuck because he's not fucking blowing out the knees of sydney crossby But I can guarantee you cried like a fucking bitch When crossby was out for a year and a half Because that guy gave him a concussion right or when mario lemieux was bitching about the fucking Islanders you probably like yeah, that's right mario. That's exactly right

You know so here I am Trashing something that my own fucking team does. Why don't you grow up and have the ability to do the same? If not go fuck yourself Okay, a few weeks ago. I asked you know when when you go to a casino You know wants the deal with the fucking carpets Like why they have the ugliest carpets on the planet My theory has always been a casino is so goddamn big the amount of money that you will save by buying the ugliest fucking carpet on the cheap You know, that's why you do it when you literally I mean how many square feet

Is is like, you know the mirage how many square feet is the fucking belagio and all that I mean, I mean it has to be I have no idea I have no fucking idea A million square feet. I have no fuck. I mean how many trucks have to pull up with that goddamn carpet So that's why I thought that it was the it was always ugly carpeting. So here's some theories that people have said to me um Hey bill wanted to to uh, let you know in response to your five your may 20th podcast From having worked in the casino industry

I've heard the reason the carpets in the casino are so vomit inducingly ugly Is so people will avoid looking at them and instead look up at all the slot machines Restaurant signage merchandise and whatnot. It's a psychological manipulation to focus your attention where they want it There's also usually a confusing pattern to the carpet uh To the pattern. Oh wait There's also usually a confusing pattern to the carpet design an overall structural layout to to the place to make you subconsciously wander around and put your money into something rather than having any clue where an exit might be

Or how how much time is passed? um I agree with that. I would agree with the second half the first half. I don't know How long would you stare at carpet? You know like god look at the fiber Look how look how beautiful that carpet is um, I would actually think at this point if you had a beautiful carpet like a nice fucking electric blue You know, but people feel like oh my god something exciting is going to happen here

You know, maybe a piece something peaceful They could be a little more relaxed when you fucking walked in there and you could look around at the horse. I don't know But as far as like having a confusing pattern and a weird structural layout. I mean if you've ever been If you've never been lost in a casino, you've never been in a casino What you end up having to do is you got to pick like a you got to start memorizing where the restaurants are Like that's where the sports book is so I know the elevator is to the right But if you start cutting through slots and you you're like fucking Oh another jack Nicholson referenced him in the shining in the end wonder as you're going through all those hedges, you're not

Like i'm surprised you don't see somebody sitting on the ground Like dead with an axe in their hand not frozen but you know Yeah frozen like those people you pass when you're trying to get to the top of that mountain there Mount Everest right over there in the Himalayas. Is it in the Himalayas? I have no idea Here's another theory somebody has the strange pattern of the carpeting On casino floors is so if you drop a chip You don't hear it hit the floor

And the crazy colors hide the chips if you're looking for them um I don't buy that one either That just seems like a fucking Long way to go to try and make some money. You're already playing a game where the odds is so in favor of the casino They don't need to be crawling around the floor afterwards vacuuming up chips I wouldn't go with that Somebody else said that the reason that they have it is because it's easy to clean up puke stains

I don't know what it is but please Please bring me more theories to that because I find it fascinating there has to I out of everything that I That was just I just read there. I believe It's a confusing pattern And it adds to the confusion of trying to get the fuck out of there and then you just next thing, you know You're playing a game. I that one seems to make the most sense to me all right

Um, here's the next one here. What the fuck am I here? All right, dear bill bow faggots I have recently discovered my lifelong friend is in fact an asshole First let me give you some backstory Uh, I've been friends with this kid since car seats and baby teeth So last year when I'm looking to move into a new place, I naturally turn to him Oh, that's that's not a good thing to do Living, you know, one of the quickest ways to end a lifelong friendship is to go and live with somebody

Just think of all the people who've fallen in love. You're my soulmate. They get married and within five years, you know One of them goes mysteriously missing you know By the way, that's a bad thing to do if you're gonna kill your wife or your husband You should really go practice on some homeless people in prostitutes first, you know Get you get your murder and game up to par, you know To really try and get away with the murder with your first murder When you you have everything to gain with that person being gone. It's no wonder everybody gets caught

You know, you gotta you gotta suck it up You gotta push your ego down and go to the miners first Get some at bats down there with the fucking The fucking Newark bears take a couple of pokes, you know get out there shake the rust off Um, sorry anyways So he goes last year I decided to move into a new place I naturally uh, so when I'm looking to do that, I naturally turned to him He was living on his own with his cousin and was happy to move in with me

Now since I have known him so long, I know his tendency to be a slub I discussed with this with him before we moved in and let him know I could only tolerate so much uncleanness He responded back in kind and agreed now flash forward to after I move in I wake up in the middle of the night to snoring that can wake the dead I do what any normal person would do and go out and ask him to do something since it was keeping me up The kicker is he wasn't even in his room. He's laying on the floor in the living room So I wake him up and ask him if he could either a stop snoring or b go to his room This elicits no response from the beast. He attempts confrontation and finally relinquishes to his room

Yeah, this guy's uh, he sleeps pretty hard Um, he goes this has happened on and off now for the past year. Usually he just gives me the finger now Just gives me the finger now when I wake him up for snoring Clearly I get the impression that he only cares about himself and gives two shits about anybody else There's other things like him not cleaning up after himself not caring for his pet And some smoking habits that are less than appealing. I'm willing to compromise though But he just makes no effort. He refuses to address any of it He always says he thinks of me as family

But I don't imagine anybody treating their family like this. Actually, that's exactly how you treat family because you know They're not going to leave you um, so he goes so now So now i'm moving out and I haven't told him this is the reason so what do I what so bill? What do I do? Do I tell him he's an asshole and tell him to kick rocks or just forget about it and let bygones be bygones You just forget about it, dude. All right Because this guy was your best friend until you live with him. Just like Just feel bad for his future wife

And this is the deal one of these days You know, he'll bring up you guys living together And you'll just laugh about it and just be like dude I left because I swear to god I was fantasizing about going out into the living room and chopping your fucking head off, you know Or just fucking stuffing a chloroform rag in your goddamn mouth You know and you can just laugh about it, but to uh right now with how upset you are at him. It's going to affect your friendship, uh You know, if you're done being friends with the guy, I would bring it up now

But if you're not then I would just uh I would use that story to get laid That's what I would do because it'll be a funny story and as you're telling the funny story the woman's gonna be listening being like Oh my god, this guy's considerate He picks up after himself. I have this unbelievable urge to suck his dick now What is that? Why do I do that guys? That's how I would use it. All right, and then whenever he brings it up just laugh about it. That's like, uh, I look with, uh, Bobby Robert Kelly one of my best friends in the whole wide world. We almost killed each other when we lived together

But oh, but oh, but oh I lived with them And he was a fucking slob And I was the fucking I mean, I'm not even that neat That's the thing. I'm not even that neat like I don't make the fucking bed every day You know, I always have three four days of clothes, but I get it to that point three four days and then I pick up I'm pretty good about doing the dishes But he was just like I'd come back from the road and there would be like

Dishwater like six days old or something and then be like noodles from like the chinese food floating in there. It was like Uh, we didn't have any rubber gloves and I'd have to stick my hand Reach for that plug Oh, it was fucking nasty. We lived in such a shithole I gotta talk to him about that someday if he remembers we had this fucking kitchen The countertop was this was plastic I don't I don't know what it was like this hard plastic and it was yellow and it was dirty It was it was so fucking gross

Like you couldn't even cook in there It had this fucking stove I swear to god that if you just you could you rock it back and forth two three times It would literally come down like an old shack It was such a piece of shit and then the guy who actually his name was on the lease used to keep his smelly hockey stuff Out there in the kitchen. It was the most disgusting fucking thing and then there was three guys living there and like assholes We had like a bathroom basket out in the kitchen

Not a big like kitchen size a bathroom one. So it was always always overflowing with whatever the fucking you ate It was fucking it was nasty Ugh that really just took me back to a bad period in my life. Although. It's funny. No It's funny. Yesterday. I was over with bobby and his lovely wife Eating some dinner. She cooked a fucking tremendous meal and we started laughing about the old days living together, right? And I'm still friends with them You know and you know what I did I addressed what a slob he was while we were living together And we went like six months without even speaking to each other

After we moved out and you know what you don't want to go through that type of shit But we were both young and immature. Maybe that's where you're at. Maybe you got to go through it. I don't fucking know Anyway success story. Hey, Billy red face I'll keep this short But you gave me spot-on advice a few months ago about my cheating ex-wife. So I sincerely thank you Well, you're welcome sir. And if anybody's listening to this know that i'm a fucking moron So every once in a while like, you know, you play darts long enough. You're gonna hit a bullseye All right, but you guys listen to me and my advice at your own fucking risk

All right, so anyways He goes I couldn't be happier. My real question is how long were you single before you met nea? And would you care to share any of your bad dating stories? um Thanks and fuck said the kid in the pussy penguins Bruins and six. All right Bruins fans. Um How long was I single I was single for quite a while Um, I don't remember so fucking long ago. I don't know a couple of years Couple years, but I was now I was never good at being single doing that whole fucking

Playboy thing, you know talking girls into bed and all that type. I always felt like shit Afterwards unless the girl was like fucking smoking hot and then you had like You know kind of vibe I never uh I don't know you know this by the time I figured out how to talk a woman in bed by then I was like In my early 30s and there was always something that you know, he fucking talked to somebody like, you know 22 23 And they just fresh out of college I literally it was like the pussy verges of watching those rednecks hunting bear with dogs

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All right, let's get back to the questions here Um, I really do want that for all you guys, you know, if you're happy in a cubicle, I know I break your balls about that But if you're happy, you don't give a fuck then, you know Happiness I'd like I'd like to like for you to achieve happiness Um, so anyways off to join the army, but up, but up, but up All right, this is a good memorial day email. Hey bill. Thanks for all the funny. Well, you're welcome He said I've come to a point Uh in life where decisions have to be made

For the past seven years I've been working within an industry that has thrown me so many curveballs and fuck yous that it just doesn't seem normal The brief roundup Of what I've been through shit can three ones three three weeks, but after buying a house. Oh my god You know, I've never had to deal with stress that level I can't imagine that one Number two business closed two weeks before my wedding Oh my god So not only you're not making money

You now have to be even more involved in the wedding planning because you don't have the I gotta go to work excuse All right, number three numerous dead-end jobs and whatnot leading up to today Although I have had the pleasure of listening to the wise words of burr. I don't know about that, dude You're listening to a moron that you can relate to You said, uh, I have decided enough is enough. I'm off to join the army Going to do a trade throwing away eight years within the tech industry to become a chef Um, so be a chef in the army

There you go You just hang back and peel potatoes That's what I know you're not even that you'd fucking make that shitty army food taste unbelievable You know Then you got it. Then you know, then you get fans within the army. Then you come out Don't blow all your money on hookers and all of that bullshit save all your fucking money Be a chef in the goddamn army and then when you get out You know start your own restaurant

I'd experiment with food and find out what the average american likes You know you have an in total like Demographic right there running the gamut you got people from all 50 states All right, and some of them know how to cook. Maybe the southern guy can teach you how to make some of that fucking barbecue You know somebody out in buffalo can show you how to make some wings that are juicy on the inside crunchy on the outside This is a tremendous opportunity. You can go see the fucking world And uh, I know those other people in the army see the fucking world

I know I'm sorry. I'm trying to put a positive spin on this Yeah, it is it is what you what it's what you uh what you put into it So he goes there's a lot of hard work ahead. Yeah, that guy yelling in your ear What kind of chef do you know can go through an obstacle course? I hope you're gonna do some push-ups, buddy And he goes it'll be well worth it in the end if all goes to plan I'll be away from home and the wife for eight months. Nobody said I'd get a holiday to lol anyways just wanted to say thanks and I'll be sure to listen always

Even when I'm living on some base far away from my friends and family. All right, dude Well, good luck for you, man. Do you feel like that's the right way to go? I hope you come back to being a chef though, man You know if you that's actually in your heart um You know, it's funny that story just reminded me of something and I was laying down and then I just sat up and now I can't even fucking remember The fuck I gotta go back and reread some of this shit the chef Hard work would be worth it

Ah, fuck What happened to my brain, huh? What happened to it everybody? All right We're almost oh, I know what it was getting into shape I gotta show you this youtube video and by the way, I love youtube more than anything on the fucking planet It's one of the things that I always go to but this whole thing where they they're not letting you say I don't want to use my real name You know, I don't want to use my real name I don't not because I write cunty shit. Just because I don't want people knowing who the fuck I am You know, I don't even really leave that many comments on youtube

But you know what it is? I just don't like how they're not giving me the option to say no So you keep hitting the refresh button and you know, it's getting to the point You know, well, you know what I would do If I had any sort of computer savvy, I would just start a total ripoff of youtube where you could remain anonymous And you just have the exact same fucking videos And anyways, I I don't know how I try to find this youtube video. We're gonna have it up there. This guy has this fucking Plank position five minute fucking workout that I'm gonna start doing You know the plank position where you basically it's like you're in the push-up push-up position

But you're in you're You're on your forearms So he does each one of these positions for 15 seconds. All right This is basically the workout as far as I can remember. All right So you're doing the original plank position. You're on your forearms 15 seconds. All right next 15 seconds You just have your left arm Pointed straight ahead like you're doing seek. Hyal hyal hitler, right? You do that And then after 15 seconds you put that down now the right hand hyal hitler, right?

This is by no means pro nazi. I'm just trying to give you a visual here Or you could just watch the fucking video. All right, then the next 15 seconds You left leg straight out put that down then your right leg straight out, right? And then then you go, uh left leg Right hand right arm That's like a balance the thing and then the opposite of that Then you go to your side you go to your side. It's fucking insane Like the longest I've ever been able to do the plank position when I was in really good shape was like two minutes So I'm on this shit

I'm on this shit. All right, so do it with me I'm going to uh put a link up to the podcast page to the youtube video and hopefully you don't have to go Through that rigamarrow of uh having to leave your real name if you do just hit the refresh button But I found lately if you hit the refresh button too much It just keeps going back to it Then you just have to shut it off and then just click on youtube again. It's a pain in the ass I don't know why they're doing it if anybody knows why um

I mean one of it I pointed the guy kind of would be great if people who write all that racist shit actually had to Leave their real names. Maybe they wouldn't um But what does that really solve? They're still gonna be racist, you know They just know not to say it out loud so they won't lose their jobs, right? Isn't that right? I don't fucking know anyways, um, that's the podcast for this week everybody

Uh, I still had a couple of good ones to read here. Can you remind you what what what else you got to do? It's memorial day, right? Let's read a couple more horses Uh, hey bill. Thanks for your relationship Uh, think of your relationship with your dog This is what you can you can have with a horse, but it's more. Oh, yeah, because I said if I had a horse I'd love to have a horse that I never rode I hate that whole breaking the horse. He goes dogs are kind of like happy go lucky buddies They have a likeness horses are like noble dogs. They are a little smarter and can be even more emotional than a dog. So they uh

So they can be even more loyal than a dog. They they have to be one over Oh, you left out the beat they have to be one over with respect And once you do this they consider it a pleasure to have you ride them It's a two-way thing. That's hard to describe Watch the movie black beauty the one with alan Cummings as the voice and go fuck yourself um All right, I I don't know that they Would you ever find it a pleasure to have 150 to 200 pounds on your back?

Imagine if you had a backpack That way let's we'll just say 180 pounds and not only was it on your back It was fucking slapping your ass telling you to go faster And which way to go Would you enjoy that I don't know more horse stuff. I want to know I want to know because I love horses, but I just can't I could never break one that would kill me That really would that would hurt my fucking hat

underrated Uncle billiam This could be the underrated of the century Keeping your dick and check flipping the script on the ladies And refusing your woman's sex I just told my girl no sex till she goes and applies for 10 jobs today and the look on her face was priceless Like she just had no clue what just happened Looked like a little kid that had just been just had its teddy bears stolen

Love the podcast and go fuck yourself. You redheaded bastard. Uh, yeah, no, it's a great one That's a great one. I mean you're fucking with that. That's you know what you having your dick and check is like your woman um Fucking bench pressing more than you That's basically it. I mean the core thing a guy has over a woman as he's physically stronger Okay, core thing a woman has is she does that we're run by our dicks. Well, I mean, they're also smarter I think they're just they're I do think women are smarter in a lot of areas Just because they have to be it's a nature thing

You know, we're stronger. So we don't we I think we just didn't use our brains as much Back when you could fucking drag a woman around by her hair And beat her with a branch. I said shut the fuck up, you know Didn't have to grow as a human being they had to sit there and be like, how do I get that big dumb oaf To do exactly what I want him to do. I can't grab him by the fucking throat How can I make him do it and actually? Make him feel like it's his decision You know

Anyways, whatever that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves I'm touring with the teen idol sensation We're going to be at the Count Basie theater this wednesday You know one o'clock jump Count Basie fucking theater Out in red bank, new jersey and then we're going down to some fucking theater in baltimore. I don't have the names of these On friday and then saturday. I don't know i'm in some place in uh No thursday i'm in baltimore friday i'm in pennsylvania

And then saturday I wind it up with two shows Down there and what do you call it in fucking atlantic city and uh tickets have been selling unbelievable The best i've ever sold in my career and I want to thank all you guys It means the world to me that you guys are coming out to my shows and I get to continue living my dream here All right, so thank you for that. That's the podcast. Like I said, go fuck yourselves. Have a great memorial day And uh, I'll talk to you next week