Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-19

Episode Date: May 28, 2019

Bill rambles about the upper east side, depression, and blow jobs.

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I am on the road and I forgot my fucking recorder, so I had to go out and go buy a new one. And I can't figure this one out. I bought the Olympus LS100 and you can plug a microphone into the bottom of it, but I'll be goddamn if I can figure out how to use it. So, there'll probably be a lot of extra noise here. I'm trying to avoid it. I should probably set the thing down, I don't know.

I'm just using it like a microphone, so I hope this doesn't sound too bad. Anyway, I am here in New York City here for this summer. I got an acting gig out here. You know, I've been saying I've been growing a playoff beer, but I'm not. I gotta have a fucking, you know, I gotta have a mustache for this role, you know. And fortunately, they're not gonna fucking glue one on. So, I've been growing one, and I just didn't want to walk around with just the mustache. You know what I mean?

I figured if I had the full beard, it's the NHL playoff time, and then also, you know, if you just saw me with the mustache all the time, then you saw me on screen. You'd be like, oh, that's just that douche from the podcast. But if you never really saw me with just the mustache, walking around as myself, when you go see the movie, you'd be like, well, who is this guy? Who is this person that has piqued my interest? I'm just fucking with you. Anyways, tonight, game one of the Stanley Cup Final.

Not the Stanley Cup Finals, it's the NBA Finals, but it's the Stanley Cup Final. There's only one of them. That's what they tell me. There's only one NBA Finals, but they're still called the Finals. I don't know. Who the fuck knows? All I know is it's going down tonight, and the place where I'm staying, the cable is not working.

So I have to go out to a bar to try and watch this thing. I just don't feel like anybody's going to give a shit here. So maybe I'll be able to get the game on and got to go out to a bar, even though fucking Billy Red Fuzzface has not had a drink in six months. I'm on the other side, six months and two days. There's more sand in the bottom of the glass, the hourglass than in the top. I'm running downhill now. I'm in New York City right now, if I didn't mention.

I forget if I did or not, but this is a hard city to not drink in. And last night, I decided I was just going to do a bunch of sets, right? So I started off at the comic strip. You know, that was the first club that passed me way back in the day when I moved here in 1995. And then I was going to go to Danger Fields and then New York Comedy Club and then down to the cellar. That was the deal.

So I went down and I did the comic strip and the stage is now against a different wall, which I never knew that's where the original stage was. I had no idea. And when Seinfeld made his special, he asked if they would put the stage back. They're like, absolutely. So that was kind of cool, because there's a bunch of old photos in that club of like Eddie Murphy on drums while Joe Piscopo is on like the microphone or whatever. And all these guys from back then.

And I used to always think that I was standing on the same stage as them. And I wasn't and I'm still not, but at least I'm in the same area. So I thought that that was pretty cool. And let's see. Then I went and I had a good set. Didn't have a great set, but tried out this new shit. Then I went to Danger Fields and that did not go well at all, didn't go well at all. And I had the classic, you know, white girl in her fucking 20s or whatever.

Just hating all my abortion material, even though I said that I was I was pro-choice. I didn't understand it. So then she got mad and I wasn't a good mood and the whole fucking thing escalated. And then she fucking stormed out, which isn't what I want to have happen. So I was so bummed out that it went that bad at Danger Fields, because I just fucking bombed, right? I was with a friend of mine and they were like, where do you want to go next? I was just like, you know, I don't give a fuck. I'm so fucking sick of everybody making, you know, this person was literally in the crowd

going switch subjects, switch subjects. Nobody here cares. Nobody wants to hear this. And I was just like, why are you acting like you're speaking for the whole crowd? Granted, nobody was laughing, but like, you know, shut up. You didn't hire me. OK, this isn't a private show and you're paying me and you told me what the fuck I couldn't couldn't talk about. You decided to go to come.

I'm telling you, man, if you're really a super sensitive person, don't go to comedy shows. That's what they have musicals for. They turned Beetlejuice into a musical, right? There was Mamma Mia for a while. There was Cats Meow, right? Go see that shit. You won't be offended. Why didn't they use real cats?

Why are people dressed like cats? Were cats dressed like people? I was triggered. So my friend talked me in, ah, come on, keep going. So then I went on to the New York Comedy Club. This is what's crazy about stand up. I do the exact same material in fucking murder, murder. And then last then I went down to the, then I feel good about myself again.

And then I ended up at the comedy cellar. And I did end up doing a spot down there. And, you know, and then it went, I had a good set there. Best set was probably at the New York Comedy Club, but I'm just going to keep working this shit while I'm here. It's kind of cool. I get to do like this acting gig out here and also put together my new hour. And it's looking like my new special is going to be coming out sometime.

I don't know if I had to guess, I'd say late summer, but I have not gotten any official word from Netflix. Haven't got any word yet. So that's basically what I've been doing. My cigar smoking is off the rails. All right, as far as like, you know, my drinking, I got that totally under fucking control. And so my thing that, you know, you just replace a vice with a vice,

which is a hard fucking thing. So I mean, I must have spun that European trip Iceland all the way through to Tel Aviv and the rest of the month. I mean, I probably smoked 15 cigars this fucking month. It's disgusting. So I'm laying off of those things now. So now I'm off those. I don't drink.

I don't watch porn anymore. I'm not fucking smoking cigars. I'm not totally laying off cigars, but I'm just I'm taking it easy for the rest of the month here. We're going to regroup, you know, I'll smoke one on my birthday or something like that. I don't know what. But I don't know. It's just like such a once you fucking that Pandora is boxing, man,

once you fucking do shit like that, it's really hard to like go back to being like, you know, it's so fucked up. It's like when you were a kid, you were you were you were a straight edge. Like I didn't really start going up drink and drink it. I mean, I had a few sips of a beer here or there or maybe snuck one out of my dad's stash in the fridge, a stroze, I believe he used to drink back in the day. But like the first time like I went out drinking with, you know, underage kids, you know, in high school, I was like 17.

So basically for the first 17 years of my life, I was stoned sober. Straight edge. No cigars, no booze, no pot cookie, none of that fucking shit. And I was fine. And then all of a sudden you have a few drinks and you're like, Oh, this feeling, this is fucking great as you're doing damage to yourself. So then the thing, the hard fucking thing is it's easy to be a straight edge if you never fucking did anything.

But once you do shit to then go back to that, I, you know, I have, you know, I like to think I have really good willpower, but man, it is fucking hard because now I think like, all right, well, I'm not drinking, so I got to get, I got to get some sort of a, a buzz, something, you know, so then I just start smoking too many fucking cigars. And then I'm drinking soda because I like having soda with the fucking cigars with, you know, the sugar with the fucking smoke, you know. And then all of a sudden I drinks, you know, I stopped drinking,

but now I drink fucking root beers like they're going out of style and fucking and I'm smoking cigars. It's like, what am I doing? So, you know, now I have to go back to being fucking Billy boredom here. Old board Billy, the pasty cunt, because I got this fucking movie and I got to, I got to stay in shape, you know, all these fucking actresses out there, bitch, moaning and complaining, oh, God, it's so much fucking hard. Everybody in this business, you got to watch your fucking weight.

So now that's it. I got fucking green beans and beets and fucking. What else did I get in there? I got one other fucking little box of no excitement in the fridge. Hummus, broccoli, you know, lean turkey patties. I mean, it's just like, I mean, it's just, it's the food equivalent to how funny this podcast has been so far. Now, Bill, why would you shit on yourself?

Anyway, but the game one starts tonight. I'm going to go find a bar where I can go watch this thing. And I got to tell you, man, I don't like how much people are confident about the Bruins. I don't think that people are given the blues their respect. I think the people on TV are doing enough that they're trying to sell the series so people will sit down and watch it. But these fucking Saint Louis blows are a problem.

I am not taking them lightly whatsoever. They are big, they are fast, and they don't look fucking intimidated or anything. They're just fucking mowing people down. So I think it's going to be a very tough series. A friend of mine who really knows sports tried to claim Bruins and six. And that made me feel good because he's usually right. But I am, I don't know. I'm oddly nervous like I'm playing, you know, I don't even play pickup hockey anymore.

I'm so fucking busy. Why am I nervous about this hockey game? Oh, because they represent the city that I grew up outside of. And this means something to me, you know, so I'll be watching that thing tonight. We'll see. I don't know much about the blues. I know everybody on their first line. I just was when I was watching when they played San Jose. It's just, I don't know.

It seems like the West is bigger and stronger to me, but we shall see. But we have the core veteran group that is already one, one, Marshawn, Bergeron, Chara and, uh, crazy. And I think that really helps our team and gives us an advantage. And I'm hoping that, uh, I'm hoping we fucking win the thing. All right. Congratulations to Lewis Hamilton, winning the, uh, the F1 there and fucking Monaco. I didn't see a second of that because my fucking cable is out.

But, um, I don't know. He won the pole position. So I figured, all right, well, that's going to be a boring race. And then I heard it was exciting because it's theater nurses, tires to the end, but there's no way to pass on that track. I don't know what I'm missing fucking everything. But, uh, Friday night when I first came here, uh, a good friend of mine from way back in the day, I used to do shows with him all the time.

Talent had his show. You know, it's just looking up to see what comics I still knew and where the fuck they were. And, uh, so I took, uh, took the train uptown to go see him at Caroline's. I used to open for him all the time back in the day. And, um, yeah, we just had a great time and he fucking ended up putting me on a show and dude, I opened up with the Michael Jackson bit in front of an all black crowd.

And I'll tell you, I can't remember the last time I lost a crowd like that. Geez. I mean, it was so fucking silent in there. The joke became how stunned I was that I lost them. And then I ended up killing again by talking about how bad I was doing. And they, they, they really did not want to hear my take on that documentary. So at that point, then I was bombing so bad, I was like, fuck it. Then I did my Michelle Obama bit.

And at that point they were just laughing because it was so fucking ridiculous. Um, you know, at that point that, you know, me going up there with my fucking, you know, white supremacist fucking look with the haircut, you know, would then, would then go into that. And, uh, but talent was laughing. So that was a good time. But I used to do all of his shows that Sunday night at the Boston, um, to this day is still the greatest fucking comedy show I ever was a part of.

Um, and I'll tell you, when you went up there and the crowd was into you and you fucking killed, I said this before, like you walked out of there wondering why you weren't famous yet. And then other times when it didn't go well, you, it was the exact opposite. You felt like what the fuck, why the fuck did I ever, every begin to think that I could be in this business. How dare I call myself a fucking comedian. You know, so, um, anyway, so that I thought that that was going to be the worst fucking

thing, but that fucking woman walking out crying two times in my career. I've made it. I've made somebody cry in the audience in both times where it danger fields. How crazy is that? I remember like 18 years ago, I made this woman cry and afterwards I went down the cellar and I was talking to somebody about it and somebody would say, I would have been like, fuck you bitch. These are the jokes.

I was like, no, no, no, I felt bad about it. You know, I don't mind annoying somebody, but I don't want somebody walking out crying. Granted, the first time the woman should have cried. All right. The second time last night that was just, you know, I would just say that's just the fallout of, uh, people being on social media. I can talk to you, regular fucking Joe six pack cunts about your fucking social media activity.

I got to tell you for as much shit as they give celebrities. All right. I feel like your guy's behavior, not all of you, but the worst of the worst, you guys are starting to act like, like, you know, when they say an actor is difficult to work with, that's the way like, I don't know. I don't think that the average person performer or just regular Joe can handle that level of fucking attention and everybody giving them likes and thumbs up and saying that they're fucking heroes and shit like that.

And, and the fucking behavior of some of these fucking people, you know, enough change subjects, move on to the next one. She was saying it like she was, like I was on Game of Thrones and she was one of the fucking, uh, I didn't watch that show. Why am I using that as a fucking reference? By the way, happy veterans day to all the veterans out there. You know, and, um, I think it's great that they have a day for you. And I also think it's great that feminists haven't somehow figured out a

way to take over your day by saying, well, wait, we're warriors too. Why aren't people celebrating us? Do you know, Fallujah is one thing, but to have the courage to take your thumbs out and send a tweet that you know, might not get a hundred percent likes and what that'll do to your self-esteem. Um, I know, Bill, you'll be an extra country today. I am, I am extra country. I'm here alone in New York and I'm missing my family, but they're going

to be out here soon and everything's going to be good. My daughter is doing the cutest thing. Like we got this little puzzle, right? And, uh, it has all the letters in the apple alphabet, uh, capital and lower case. So she knows a lot of the letters now, but any letter she doesn't know, she calls it a B. So she'll, she'll pick up an F and she'd be like B frog. And I'll have to be like, no, F frog. She goes, F frog.

And then she just looks in the sincerest voice ever, just looks at me and she'll be like, I like frogs. I'm like, I like frogs too, buddy, right? And then she'll be like, you know, B kite. I'm like, no, it's K kite. She goes K kite. And then she'll look at me again and be like, I like kites. And I'm like, I like them too, buddy.

It's so fucking cute. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. There's, it's, it's unbelievable. It's such a fucking, can't believe I waited so long to be a dad. But I'm telling you, like I went on with her literally, my heart is like at peace. One of the few things that ever happens, just sitting there like, I could literally sit here and do this with her all fucking day.

Um, but unfortunately she's two and a half years old. So she gets over things quickly and then wants to go run and go do something else. So, um, I took a walk through, uh, Central Park yesterday. Um, cause you know, I'm trying to, you know, cause I've been eating a little bit of pizza here, trying to be, you know, good with the fucking eating bad and shit. But, uh, so I figured I had a couple of slices last night. I should go for a walk. So, uh, I walked all the way up, like 30 fucking blocks all the way up to, uh,

Central Park and I was thinking like, should I rent a bike and ride all the way around? I'm like, I don't want to fucking, then they're going to ask me for an ID and then I got to put the stupid fucking helmet on and, uh, I'm like, I'm not fucking doing that. So I just decided to walk through the park and my God, it brought back so much fucking, so many memories. I lived here for so long. I remember I had memories of comedians. I don't even know where they are anymore.

We went rollerblading there in like the nineties. Um, bunch of different girlfriends. He just, you know, you always go for a walk in the park or whatever, you know, I used to jog around what they now call the Jackie, uh, Onassis reservoir thing there. And I got like three quarters of the way through the park. And I realized that I was near my old neighborhood. I used to live on the Upper East side. I lived on 97th between third and Lex.

And I went back to that old neighborhood. Holy shit. When I lived there, this is comedian Dan Natterman was doing a joke that 96th street is the last street a white person can legally live on in Manhattan, which was true. And I was living on 97th street. I lived there with Bobby Kelly too. And then we would walk up to like a hundredth street. That's where our dry cleaner was.

And there was just a bodega on the corner. There was a, uh, a grocery store on 96th and Lex on the, the Southwest side. And I'll never forget, they had this fucking guy used to mop the floor. I had a dirty mop and it would just smell like dirty mop water right after he mopped it. It was actually worse if you got there right after he mopped the floor. I was just thinking, why won't this guy just pour some fucking bleach in there and soak them up.

It smelled so fucking bad. And this is back before, like there wasn't, there was no chains in, in New York city, um, as far as like, you know, Creighton barrel, bed, bath and beyond the gap, all, there was nothing. Um, they had a Macy's. I'm sorry. They had a few places like a Macy's. There was a Filene's basement.

There was like the whiz. There was modell sports, but pretty much everything else was like an individually owned thing. And, um, when you got up to where I was at, like it was considered so like no man's land, they were, I had to walk 10 blocks just to get to an ATM. The ATM was Republic bank down on 86th and, uh, third avenue. I'd walk all the way down there past the movie theater that's still there. There was a pizzeria UNO down there.

It was a long fucking time ago. So I went back to the neighborhood and it has changed some, first of all, there was so many fucking stores that have gone out of business because of, uh, Amazon and I mean, it's just how it is. You know, I guess times change. So the brick and mortar stores are going unless you're like a restaurant, a liquor store, um, I don't know, a bar or a major chain. It just seems like they're all going away.

But I, I go to my, my old block where I tell you there wasn't shit. There was this little hole in the wall, uh, Chinese food place to number one was the, oh my God, I forgot about that. Number one, what's your order when you call up? Uh, let me get, uh, chicken and broccoli. Chicken and broccoli. They were always fucking screaming like they, like the, the, the walk or something was sizzling right near the phone.

This guy would always fucking, we used to call them up. You call up and you would, you would hold the phone away from your ear. Um, man, those were fun times and the fucking food was delicious. So anyways, I went back there and now there's like a CVS on the, on one corner. There's a fucking, uh, that was an empty lot too. If I remember correctly, there's a CVS there with a building above it. There's a taco bell now there, just insane shit that you never would have seen. Um, I hated living up there because there was, there was nothing up there.

I wasn't on an express stop. There was no bank. There was no good places to fucking other than number one. Number one, what's your order? Um, the grocery store, they had a dirty mop and it was just like, uh, I was a fucking walkthrough bedroom. I actually took a picture of the building and shit. I just don't want to post it cause it gets too fucking weird.

Um, people know in that much, you know, I've already told you the block I was on, but, uh, when I lived there, like I crossed the street was like, uh, that place was just a, uh, I don't know. It's just like, it's just an open fucking fence around it. Now there's a giant building there with underground parking. There used to be crackheads underneath my stupid shit. I come home at night, man. I've just, it was so fucking creepy.

You know, when someone's in that level of addiction, they're underneath stairs. And when they fucking look up at you, man, it's like you're in the thriller video, man. Uh, and I remember I used to always have my fucking key out when I would turn the corner and there'd be fucking rats and crack heads and all of this shit. And I went up there and it was just like, I couldn't, I couldn't believe it. How much it's changed. Like granted, I mean, I lived there 24 years ago.

So I was kind of doing the math on that. That'd be like, if I lived there in 1995, when I first came there, if somebody came up who had lived there in 1971, and that really fucked with me. Well, it's just like, wow, I am that fucking old. Jesus Christ. That killed me. What's his face? David Crosby.

They're doing a fucking documentary on that guy and he's 77 years old. I could see 68, 69, 70. I had no idea he was that fucking old. Um, so anyway, I just kind of, I just walked around the Upper East side. And, um, when I lived there, another time I lived on, uh, 79th and York. And, uh, there was no subway on the East side other than the sixth train. And that was all the way on 77th and Lexington. So you had to walk, I had to walk up to York.

These are city blocks too, not just regular blocks. So these are like long walks up to York, then over to first, over to second, over to third, over to Lex. So York, first, second, third, Lex. So it's like four and a half city blocks. And then I had to go down two regular blocks. It was such a fucking pain in the ass. And it was either freezing cold out, raining or fucking like ridiculous humidity.

And I was just sitting there going, why does the West side have like five different subway lines? And we only got one here. And I started reading about this shit. I made a little video about it, but I guess in the 1950s, I think it's when they first tried to start it or, I don't know what, the way I remember it is in the 1970s, they were going to make a second Avenue subway and it was going to go from the Upper East side all the way down to Wall Street.

All right. And people were immediately upset by that because it seemed like it was just for rich fucking white people on the Upper East side who wanted their own private subway. So they started calling it the snobway. And this was sort of like the taxi driver era of New York City. So they were bankrupt. Could have got a building here for like, for nothing.

And they just didn't have any money, but they had started the project. They had started building, I think like three or four of these stations. So they stopped the project, but they completed the stations. And then they just, I don't know what they did. They just walled them off or whatever. Put a chain around the door and there was all of these rumors with everybody on the Upper East side that, you know, there was people living down there, like some escape from New York shit, or that they were going to, you know, soon that

they were going to start the project up again, which I think they did right around the time I left there, like 15 years ago. Long story short, I actually rode the thing for the first time. They didn't do what they were supposed to do. The thing was supposed to go straight down the East side. And it didn't, at this point, it's like, it's like three stops, like 86, 73rd and something else. And then it cuts through Central Park and goes right down the middle, like on

the NR line. So I don't know, I thought that that was my, is any of this interesting to you? Um, is this thing still recording? I can't even tell here. Oh, the screen went blank. Sorry. All right. Jesus, that was 27 fucking minutes.

Oh, Billy fucking, oh, Wendy here. All right. Let's read a little bit of the advertising here for this week. Um, here we go. I apologize if I'm not that funny this week, dude. I'm for the first time in years, I'm fighting off a mild fucking depression. You know, I don't know. I don't know what it is.

I haven't had this in a fucking while. There's something about coming to New York just fucking depresses me because so many of my friends are dead, gone or whatever. And, you know, I don't know, I'm just, you know, you know, it's one of the worst things is when you find, when you finally understand that hole, you can never go home, you know, even when you go home because people have just left. Everything's different. They knock shit down and stuff like that.

I don't know. I probably shouldn't have taken that fucking walk around, um, the upper East side, maybe that's what the fuck it was. So anyways, I gotta get myself out of this. I worked out today. That's always good for, um, for the fucking, uh, depression here. So I got a couple of comedians. I want to hype their stuff here.

Steve Simone, one of the great people I've met in this business, such a big hearted guy has a new comedy album out called Java that's available now on iTunes. And, uh, speaking of, uh, back in the day, an old school friend from back in the day, Maya DeGiorgio, who I first saw at the Boston Comedy Club way back in the day, um, which had the greatest, rawest, most talented fucking comics. Um, there's no way to describe the vibe of that club. It was so exciting and so fucking terrifying at the same time. It was back when New York was in New York that I remembered people selling

drugs outside and it was, it's not the fucking mayberry that this city has become for better or for worse. I mean, it's better. You know, if you can afford to live here, but like all those people, they pushed out, I don't know about that. Um, and I'm not just talking drug dealers. Obviously I'm talking about like just working class people that all got pushed out of here.

So, uh, Maya DeGiorgio, I used to work with her at the Boston Comedy Club. She has a, uh, one person show that is running, uh, in Soho. It's the theater that launched the vagina monologues. They picked up the show, um, reading the copy here. The one that took a lifetime to write, she says, my show in cog Negro runs May 28th to June 2nd, uh, and May 28th to June 1st at 8 30 and June 2nd at 4 p.m. The tickets are $20. It's getting amazing reviews.

This one person show, um, let's see here. I have the, uh, I'll just, I'll just post the, uh, the theater link. Let me try to say the theater link. If I can actually get this thing to open here. Um, let's see. Where the hell is it? Incog Negro is here. Summer sublet series.

Does it say the name of the fucking theater? I don't know. Whatever. I'll, I'll post it in the goddamn tweet, but definitely go serious. She's absolutely hilarious, but it's like most one person shows like they, they, they need to, they have to sell a certain amount of tickets so she can continue doing it. So definitely check it out.

May 28th through June 1st at 8 30 and June 2nd, uh, at 4 4 p.m. My DeGiorgio in incog Negro. Um, all right, let's read some of the advertising. We do. Oh, honey. Could you let's talk about something we can all agree on saving money. The reality is, if you're not shopping around, you're probably not saving money. So what if there was a way for somebody to do some, do some of the shopping around

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All right, there we go. Um, so, Oh, Billy yoga face. I've been doing yoga for the last couple of days. Um, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Both of my shoulders are fucked up now. It's nice to know it's not rotate a cup. It's just like 10 to 90.

So I got to give him a break while I somehow have to try to get in shape for this or stay in shape for this fucking movie. So I don't know, I'm trying. I'm going for walks. I'm doing the elliptical. I got to wear a knee brace. Now am I fucking left knee? Cause that thing has 10 nights.

It's just like, what the fuck happened to me? I have a bet with Paul Versey that I'm going to be able to do 10 pull-ups when I'm 70, I called them the other day. They'd already given the money. I'm like, dude, it's, it's a fucking wrap. Yeah, it's a wrap. It's over. Um, that's when you know, you're fucking old.

You know what I mean? When you have like injuries, like a professional athlete has and shit, and you just got it from, I don't know, walking from one couch to another carpeted area. Um, all right, let me, let me do some of the reads here for this week. Jeopardy losers. Yo, Billy smart ass. Uh, I'm sure you've heard about this dude who's making a run on Jeopardy.

I haven't. Uh, apparently he spent a year preparing. And if you watch the show at all, you'll know that he starts with all the high value answers first. And by the time they get to double Jeopardy, no one else has a chance. I love this guy. I love this guy. I want to start watching.

Um, when they get to final Jeopardy, he always knows he's going to win because he has 10 to 15 times the purse everyone else has. So he bets really big because either way he gets to come back tomorrow anyway, and then he put the S anyways, check out this clip of sore losers complaining cause they lost. Oh my God. Oh, I love every second of this. What are they complaining about because he's too smart?

Let's, let's have a listen here. What's going on here? Oh, for God's sakes. Come on. He got very, very close. All right. Here is what Adam and the other Jeffrey contestants told me about what it's like to face off against the man who seemingly cannot be stopped.

All right. Adam Levin joins us now along with Alex. Look at these fucking nerds who also lost the whole sour. You guys are the members of a very, very interesting club. One club that keeps on getting bigger and bigger as this guy just keeps rolling on Jeopardy. Adam, I want to start with you because you got this guy sitting in his library with a bunch of books behind him to see a lot of the games beforehand.

Sometimes you get to see who's winning before you take the stage. Adam, you had a chance to see how good he was. Was it intimidating? It was certainly something I had never seen before in terms of his speed and his strategy of using the bottom clues to build up a big lead. Was I intimidated? Maybe a little bit, but I knew I was a pretty good player and that I was going to go out there. What am I what?

This is like ESPN for fucking nerds. I want to see this. There's one person here that just looks like they're going to be pissed. Really looks like they're going to be pissed. This is the one I want. You're off from his job. That's what he told me to just focus on and perfect this. For us, this is a game.

This is a fun experience and when it comes to dealing with him, it was not. What do you mean it wasn't fun? I think the secret of the fact that James and I did not get on backstage. I did not feel he was respectful to me. He wasn't respectful to some a lot of the other people, to the staff. Oh, God, that's so funny. That is not a good look. He doesn't have the respect for the game.

Yeah, it just it wasn't it wasn't what we were expecting. You expected the win and you found out that you didn't prepare enough. So now he wasn't nice to me. Don't have to be nice to you. Jesus Christ. You know, it's such a fucked up world that we're living in now that I want to be a part of it. That I won't be surprised if they actually make that guy apologize

for not being nice and for winning in all of this shit. You know, unbelievable. He didn't go to his job for like a year. Well, you should have done that. The guy raised the bar. He became a professional, jeopardy person. What'd you do? You did the New York Times Crossword Puzzle every day and you thought you were ready.

Well, guess what? He outworked you and you got your ass whipped by a goddamn nerd. That's what she needs. She needs John Goodman to revive his his character, the coach there from Revenge of the Nerds. Well, I thought the other two, they actually from the clips I watched, didn't seem like they were that upset. But good for that guy and to know that he's actually out there irritating people makes me want to sit down and watch it even more.

So thank you for the heads up. All right, reality show opportunity. Dear Billy, I love the 80s. Two questions. Did you ever send in a tape to be on the real world in the 90s? No, I did not. He said, I know a lot of wannabe actors started sending in tapes when they realized you could get famous off it.

Would you rather be on Survivor? Yes, it's it's still on the air. I know it's still on the air because my wife has watched every season. Or the Bachelorette, the one where you're lumped in with 20 other losers to win over some chick. If winning meant your life depended, if winning meant life depended on it. Thanks to go fuck yourself. I have too many issues with women to even think that I would even remotely do well on Bachelorette. Survivor, me on an island with my pasty skin.

You know what? I yeah, I wouldn't I'm not a good looking guy either. I just don't I just don't see myself as a 50, 51 year old bald, redheaded male. Being the one that this woman's going to pick. You know what I mean? I don't see that. So as a younger man, I might have taken a chance on Bachelorette, but I'd have to go Survivor. And I would need a sponsor from some sort of sunblock company.

And I need to rehab my shoulders because if I can't physically win a challenge, if I have to rely on my brain, I would lose. So I think I think I would die is no matter what either one. So if I'm going to die, then I would rather be on the Bachelorette, you know, where I'm I can actually eat real food, I don't got to eat maggots and try to stab fucking starfish with a stick, you know, talking to a soccer ball. I don't want to fucking do that, you know, I'll deal with some fucking broad. Looking at me being like, I know, I know, I'm disappointed with this too.

It's no problem, sweetheart. All right, same sex marriage. Dear Bill, I'm in Australia and I work at a country school. A little time ago, there was a vote in this country which endorsed same sex marriage. On the following day, I was working and my boss asked me to go retrieve some backdrop and clean up a local hall where the kids had a school play the night before. So the backdrop was a big rainbow colored piece of canvas, which was about eight meters long. And it was heavy.

All right, so that's about 24 feet, 25 feet. And the only way to get it to my truck was to drape it around my shoulders. People like this guy is really gay and proud. Also, there was a minor ball. There was also a mirror ball which belonged to the school, which needed to be brought back. So I had that in my hand. As I left the hall on the sidewalk, the only two gay guys in my small county town were walking their little dog and stopped to say hi.

So I'm standing there the day after the gay vote with a mirror ball in my hand and draped in a rainbow colored scenery when another man I know who is the biggest town gossip drove by in his truck staring open mouth. So now, mate, I have the reputation of being the third gay man in the village. How can I recover from this situation? Tell the story. Why don't you just tell the fucking story? Dude, what fucking village do you live in where somebody drives by and all of a sudden

everybody in town is going to know it? First of all, who gives a fuck? I don't know. Maybe you should just act like you are gay. God knows fucking there's enough women who fucking fall for gay guys. You might get some more pussy out of it. I have no fucking idea. I wouldn't worry about it.

I would find the humor in it. Because the only thing that's going to happen is guys are going to break your balls about it. But women aren't going to have a problem with it. If anything, they're going to ask you to do like a makeover, right? By the time they realize you're straight, you fucking banging them. Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. But I'm also of a certain age where I just don't give a shit what people think anymore. If you're younger, I'm sure, you know, it's probably bothering you on some level.

But I don't think it's going to affect your life. You'll be fine. All right, snitches get stitches. Billy, by the way, that sounded like a sketch from a silent film that you were doing there. Somehow you fell into that. All right, Billy Boyk. I'm a little freaked out. I live in a poor American city with its fair share of crazy desperate violent people.

Last weekend, I was driving onto my block and I saw a work van struggling to parallel park. They couldn't do it. So they pulled out real fast and smashed the back of a parked car. The van sped away. I wrote down the name of the business that was printed on the work van. I wanted to be a good neighbor, so I left an anonymous note on the smash car describing what I saw. Later that day, the guys whose car was smashed went around looking for who wrote the note. It came back to me.

He asked me for my information so that his insurance company could call me and record my statement. I said, okay. The next day, the guy said the cops were coming by and wanted to hear my statement as I was the only witness. I said, okay, fine. Now I'm getting a little nervous. About an hour before the cops come by, I find out the driver of the work van is a scary-looking motherfucker who just moved onto my block. Oh, Jesus.

So now I'm freaked out because I don't want him to know I'm the witness. I stay in my house, but peer through the curtains and watch the cops bang on his door. And the scary guy starts yelling at the cops and denying everything. The guy with the damaged car is yelling at him and it's ugly. The damaged car guy calls me. He wants me to tell the cops what I saw. I sure as hell am not walking out my front door in full view of the scary guy. So I agree to meet the cops in the alley behind my house because I don't want the scary guy to know I'm the witness.

So I'm talking to the cops in the alley and of course the scary guy walks past and looks over at us. And points his fingers. Finger. So now my cover is blown. You know what? Fuck this guy. Fuck this fucking asshole. Fuck him.

Fuck that guy walking around fucking yelling at people. He's a fucking... I bet he's not even tough screaming and fucking yelling. This is a good time for you to be a young guy. Go take some fucking jujitsu classes or something like that. Fuck this guy. This guy's annoying the shit out of me walking around pointing his finger at you. Yeah, go fuck yourself.

You're a piece of shit. You hit somebody else's car and you drove away. You cunt. Anyways, on the plus side, he doesn't know which house I live in or what car I drive, but I think he would recognize me if he saw me on the street. Where did I go wrong? Do you think this guy is going to kick my ass? I tried to remain anonymous during this whole thing,

but maybe I shouldn't have agreed to tell the cops anything. What would you have done? Oh, I absolutely would have fucking wrote down. I absolutely would have wrote down. I would have done exactly what the fuck you did. I hate when people do that. When they hit your car and they fucking drive away like that. Fuck that guy.

Fuck that guy screaming and yelling. I don't know dude. I don't know how to fight, but I did something about bullies. I can't fucking stand him. So fuck him. I would have done exactly what you did. Okay, I think you have a right to be concerned about your safety, but like, I mean, what does that tell you about yourself?

Okay, this is a problem in your life that you can easily go solve. Maybe use this as an opportunity to learn some self-defense. You know what I mean? I don't know. This guy just seems like he just yells at people. Big scary guy and he goes around yelling at people. He ain't, I don't know. I don't know the guy, but I'm just saying fuck him.

Anyways, I have no fighting skills. So now I have to sneak in and out of my house and worry about this fucker. Time to move. Well, I mean, you might want to entertain that. I don't know. I mean, it doesn't sound like it's a nice fucking neighborhood to begin with. If you can move to a nicer neighborhood, maybe you should do that, but you shouldn't be living in fear either way.

So if you're going to stay there, there's plenty of self-defense courses. Go out there, learn how to fucking defend yourself. All right, don't go looking for a confrontation, but just know if that guy, you know, comes to you. You'll be able to handle yourself, but you, you shouldn't be going around as a man fucking living in fear. All right. Wife hates blowjobs.

Oh, Jesus. Here's a way to fucking end the podcast, huh? My God. Hey, Billy Blueballs. Long time listener of the podcast, hoping for some advice from you and the lovely Nia. Well, unfortunately, my beautiful wife isn't here right now. I've been with my wife for five years and we've been married for six months.

Dude, you're like the fucking 10th person that's written in that their wife doesn't like to give blowjobs. It's just like, isn't that something that should be disclosed before you get married? What if all of a sudden she found out that you don't like to hold doors, you know, or some fucking, you know, I don't, I don't like to fucking, I don't like to buy expensive gifts. I mean, I'm trying to think of the thing that that guy could do,

that is the fucking, the male equivalent to, to marrying somebody, then finding out they don't like to give a blowjob. If you, if you don't like to get a, give a blowjob, you shouldn't get fucking married, gay or straight, you have no business getting married, all right? Jesus Christ. I mean, if every guy in the world got a blowjob every fucking day, I mean, or every couple of days, I mean, the amount of fucking,

the level of friction in the fucking world would just, it would go down. You can't do it too much because then we would take it for granted. Well, I'll tell you, you know, takes a lot of the edge off. I don't know. That's a, that's a fucking tragedy, sir. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Anyways, he says, I've been with my ex, I've been with my wife.

Sorry, oops, 40 and slipped there. I've been with my wife for five years and we've been married for six months. A couple of weeks ago, we were in the beginning stage of having sex when she asked me what I wanted her to do, which I thought was great. I replied that I'd like her to blow me. Well, my dick was in her hand. She told me she hates giving me blowjobs.

My dick immediately went limp in her hand. There was no recovery. This killed my mood. So I had to shower and left to study. Yeah, and I got to tell you something. That should be like a fucking major red flag to her. You know, if I said to my wife, I hate going down on you and then her pussy dried up right in front of my fucking face.

And then she took a shower and left. I'd be like, oh, where's she going and who is she meeting? Yeah, that's a terrible fucking thing to say. And I know this is whole thing where just anything a woman says now is fucking champion, but like this whole fucking thing where like everything is about the woman now and the guy can go fuck himself is complete bullshit. Uh, this is something that should have been disclosed. And what did she, did she just learn in the last six months

that she doesn't like to give blowjobs? Wow, dude, this is fucking crazy. Anyways, later I asked her what made her feel that way, but she couldn't really give me an answer. I've been avoiding sex with her the past couple of weeks because that's all I can think about when she wants to have sex. We've been about her saying that she doesn't, she hates giving you blowjobs. We've been together for five years.

And this is the first time I'm hearing about this, despite her saying she loves it when I go down on her. Ah, yeah, I mean, this is just, you know, this is your classic one way street, sir. Am I wrong to think that this is selfish in some way? Like what has happened to men that you're so fucking beaten down that you actually have to ask me this? This is making me feel sad for you, sir. Because am I wrong to think this is selfish in some way,

especially since she loves it when I go down on her? How do I deal with this? Any advice from you and Nia would be appreciated. Come to Australia and go fuck yourself. Well, Nia isn't here. Wow, I would just say, look, I got to be honest with you. I would tell her how she made you feel when she said that. And I would tell you that you think it's crazy that she doesn't, I mean,

I don't know, she says she hates to do it. Does that mean she's not going to do it? But I understand, I totally understand your reaction going limp. The second a woman says she's not into it. I mean, that's what a normal guy does. You're not into this. All right, forget it, forget it. Then it just gets weird.

No, we can try something else. Not up, forget it, forget it. No, I get it. I repulsed you. I'm already putting on my windbreaker. I'm out the door. Wow, how do you navigate these waters? I would just get her to clarify.

You said you hate giving me blowjobs. What does that mean? To me specifically, do you like giving blowjobs, but not to me? Or you just hate giving blowjobs in general? How long have you felt this way? You know, like, but you love it when I go down on you. That's what you got to go to Colombo here. Just keep asking questions.

So you don't like to blow me, but you like it when I go down on you. And you're okay with this? Do you feel that I should be okay with this? This is what you do. You just fucking... You remember that Guy Fieri food review? It went viral. He opened a restaurant here in Times Square.

And this guy wrote this fucking review. All of it was questions. Is there a reason why the menu looks like an eye chart? Are you aware that the chicken is gray? Like, he just totally trashed them and he did it all in questions. It was literally, it was a fucking work of art. I think that that's how you go about this. You just, you just ask question after question.

Yeah. What did you mean when you said that? Is it my dick specifically or is it all dicks? How long you felt this way? Did you feel that this wasn't something important to bring up to me before I married you? Is this a phase you're going through? Do you think you might like to blow me next week? Do you have feelings for women that you've been suppressing?

And now you're realizing, you know, what do you think about when I go down on you? You thinking how good it feels? You thinking about some chick at the office? Is there something I need to know before I put a fucking kid in you? And then I'm really fucked because blowjobs are already out the fucking door. I don't need to add alimony and fucking child support to the goddamn equal alimony is going to be there anyways. That's what I would do.

I would go Colombo. Just, I would just do that. You know, I'm not the smartest person here, but like I just feel like, you know, I scratch your back. You scratch my back. Yeah, sir, that is fucking terrible and it's completely unacceptable. Yeah. If you don't like giving blowjobs, you should not get married.

Gay or straight, you should not do that. Or at the very least, you should fucking tell the person, you know? It's like you marry your musician and then you tell them six months later you hate music. I hate it when you play the guitar. What? Yeah, that whole thing you've dedicated your life to, I fucking hate it. That's not the same thing. Yeah, blowjobs an important thing.

Really is an important thing, you know? But listen, now I got to play devil's advocate. How often do you bathe? You know, are you showering? Are you keeping yourself fucking? You know, are you trimming the jungle down there? I don't know. I mean, I don't know what you need to fucking do.

I don't know, but if you were fucking like, not a clean person, why the fuck would she marry you? I don't know, dude. This is like, I be honest, I think the whole marriage could unravel on this thing. I mean, what the fuck? Another question. So where does that put me for the rest of the marriage when I want to blowjob? You know, I have to do what?

I got to go to a massage parlor? Even then, I mean, yes, you don't want your dick in some fucking hooker's mouth with or without a condom. And even then, there's always going to be a fucking condom. And it's just like, I don't know, pleasing the person you're with is part of being, you know, with somebody. If you're not going to make them feel good like that. I mean, that's, that's, I don't know. I don't know about that one. I, I, you know what?

I would defer to a, I think you guys need to go to some sort of therapy. And I don't know. I got a, I don't know, but some women aren't into that. Some of them don't like it. They get grossed out by it. There is that, but like, which is fine. You just tell somebody, you know, maybe you then you just marry some guy that just wants to fucking jackhammer and he's good with that.

I mean, I don't want to fucking tell you. I don't want to fucking tell you, but that's, that is a hell of a thing. Six months in. Wow. Anyway, I got to find a fucking bar where I can go watch this goddamn game. Is it Veterans Day or Memorial Day? I can never keep anything fucking. I just know both of those about the troops, right?

I think this is Memorial Day weekend, right? Is that what this is? Oh, look at that. Rich Foss sent me a fucking, sent me a fucking text here. Memorial Day, Memorial Day. Yes. This is Memorial Day. And then there's Veterans Day and then there's Labor Day.

There's Flag Day. When is Veterans Day? I don't know. Columbus Day is in October. I have no idea. Jewish shit is in fucking September. Jesus shit is in December and April. Sometimes March.

What else is it? There's Martin Luther King Day, George Washington's birth, President's Day. I think that's all the days. Ah, Mr. State. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and ladies. If you don't like giving blow jobs, you should probably let somebody know

before you get married. And, you know, to be fair, guys, same thing. You don't like going downtown. Then, you know, I don't want to tell you, you shouldn't be married to somebody. That's it. I speak in absolutes with no research behind it. All right. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. BNB Premium Selection. Vertrouw Instinct. Volg u Verstand. Info en voorwaarden op bnb.be.