Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-28-12

Episode Date: May 28, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about LL Cool J, NBA refs and becoming an action hero.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 28th, 2012. How's it going? Oh, yeah. Happy Memorial Day. Thanks to all the troops. You know, that's what you're supposed to do today, right? Anybody? And you're still recovering from the cookout, your cookout for the troops, your 12 pack to the head for the fucking heroes. I don't give a shit what a holiday is. I don't give a fuck what it's for. Eventually enough years goes by and it's just an excuse to become a tub of shit and drink a 12 pack, you know, and get all your feelings off your chest. You know, all that shit that you've been harboring about the person that you're with. You know, a few weeks ago, somebody was asking me,

ah, you know, they wanted to break up with somebody and I was saying, listen, you got to listen, you know, the person who has it down how to do the breakup was minivan men podcast's own celebrity star Al Madrigal. But if you don't have time to email Al Madrigal, just listen to LL Cool J big old butt. I don't know why I never really listen to him when I was growing up. You know, mama said knock you out. Oh, did she? Is that what she said LL Cool J? I don't care. You know, I just wasn't into it in his deodorant in his armpits when he was jamming with those white guys. I just I never got into it. But lately, lately, I don't know. I don't know what happened. I just come on to my YouTube shit. I don't know what it is. But I was listening to some of his

stuff. Well, I know why yesterday I was trying to remember like, what was that song he used to have that I'm the type of guy, and you're the type of guy. What the fuck was that? And then I listened to it. And I kind of liked it. But I hated that Oh, we all part of it really annoyed me. I'm like, oh, that's why I never downloaded this shit. But then on the side, they had a LL Cool J big old butt. You know, I played drums. I'm like, Well, let me hear what this track sounds like. And I put it on and he basically teaches you how to break up with a girl in that song. But that rap or that that rhyme, whatever, however you're supposed to say it. He breaks it down and just in like fucking 11 seconds. He sits his girls down. He's basically hanging out and like some sunglass hut or some

shit. And some girl comes in with an insane ass. And he does whatever guy does he stares at anything. I want to fuck that. But oh, shit, I have a girlfriend. So what does he do? Does he sneak around on her? No, he goes home and he sits her down. He says, Listen, I met this girl named Tina. Okay, Tina's got a big old butt. I know that I said I'd be true. I'm really whiten this up. But Tina got a big old butt. So I'm leaving you. It's I mean, that's just fucking airtight. You can't fuck with that. He was 100%. I don't even know if she could get mad. I think that's that I think women so expect guys to be lying weasley pieces of shit that if you actually hit him with that level of honesty, I think they would just be stunned

just like the chick in the video. Like I didn't think that that was bad acting. I think that they would absolutely be stunned if you just came home and say, Listen, I met this girl. I know that I said I'd be faithful to you, but she's better looking than you. So I'm breaking up with you. What is the comeback? There's nothing. Maybe like if your girl came home and said, Listen, I know we're together, but this guy, you know, I met him at the mall. His dick is twice the size of yours and he's got a better car. So it's kind of a no brainer. I'm out of here. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do with your little dick and your fucking Domino's pizza? It's over. You just gotta fucking be like, you know, you only go around once. So yeah, I get it. So anyway,

so if you don't have time to email Al Madrigal, which you should, which you should just listen to LL Cool J big old, but you gotta see his face because so I'm leaving you. It's it's, I don't can't explain it. It's way meaner than it has to be. That's what it makes it funny because there's a way to read that where you kind of let them down easily, you know, but he didn't. He just did it like, yeah, this is how it works. So there you go. Look at that on a holiday. As you're shaking off your fucking keystone lights that you drank for the troops, you know, your fucking bong hits for the men and women in the Marine Corps that you took, right?

Flag day is coming up everybody. Well, we respect and honor all the flags of the world. Come on down and get your bush light for fucking $12 a fucking case. What the fuck would have, what would the world be like if there was no way to get fucked up? If you couldn't get high, couldn't get drunk. Jesus, how long would marriages last then? They'd probably be even shorter. Would they just be rage? Just sitting around fucking stone sober eating strawberry shortcake. It'd be horrific. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. It is the end of May, everybody. All right, how many days are in May? 30 days has September. So does April and November. All the rest have a bunch of other dates,

except for February. Go fuck yourself with your song. So you got 30, 31. Fuck, what is it? April has 30, June has 30, May is 31. Well, I got the little thing I can click right here. Oh, I have a computer. I don't need to think. All right, it has, why is it in September? Oh, for Christ's sake. Do I have to click another button? It has 31 days. All right, so you guys have until Thursday midnight to make something of May 2012. All right, are you in a fucking relationship you don't want to be in? Do you want to be in this relationship you don't want to be in in June? Why don't you celebrate the end of May by

getting out of your fucking relationship and sitting down and basically just go with the LL Cool J-Vod, hold her hand and just go straight honesty. And then what's she going to do? What's he going to do? They're going to flip the fuck out, but the die has been cast. The ship is set sail. The ball is already rolling. The sun is setting. The rain is falling. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. It's out there. Just put it out there. Let them scream and yell. And in your head as much as it sucks, you're going to be like, okay, I did it. I did it. Now I just got to sit there and get yelled at. And how long can somebody really yell before they lose their voice? An hour? 90 minutes? And an hour and a half? I'm going to be in the car listening to LL Cool J driving away

from that thing I didn't want to be in. All right. Now I know I talk about this shit a lot, but I think a lot of people are in situations like this. They don't know how to sit somebody down. They just say, so I'm leaving you. You know, if I was LL Cool J and I stopped, you know, selling tickets and all that type of shit, that would be a side business that I would have. I would take that little fucking rhyme that he had and I would custom do it for everybody in their life and just then people could just write you. All right. And you charge you charge them 100 bucks and he would write you a, you know, four bars, it all rhymes and you just get out exactly what you say it, you know,

just be like you eat with your mouth open. I know I said that I'd be true. But you eat with your mouth open. So I'm leaving you just get right. You just get right down to it. Your mom is a fucking cunt. I know I said that I'd be true, but she's fucking always coming over here and something rhymes with cunt. You know, I got you got the idea. Right. Jesus Christ. What do I have to be LL? I got a second. What the fuck just happened? Did I knock this out? All right. 10 minutes in. Look at that. That was an easy 10. It was a fucking easy 10. I actually actually bought a, I bought a new grill. I didn't get a grill. You know what I bought? I bought

that fucking egg thing. The big ceramic was like a giant fucking avocado. You know what sucks is I can't even talk about the shit that I bought because I feel like now it feels like it's a commercial on this thing. They're not paying me to advertise. So what? So what I feel? Now you can't talk about them and see what happens. It's a catch 22. Speaking of looking like a giant avocado. How about those Boston Celtics? What up, Philly? What'd you think? Did you really think that that was going to happen again? That you were going to go into Boston for a game seven on the fucking parquet? And that that wasn't going to happen. I almost went parquet butter at that point. If I ever made that joke, you guys should have just fucking just what he would

unsubscribe unsubscribe. Is that how you say it? Celtic speed Philly. I actually watched most of the game and then I had to go do my gig over it flappers. So I had to listen to the rest on on the radio as I went over there. I got to tell you something, you know, I'm not expecting the Celtics to win the championship. I know we're old, you know, but the officiating in the fucking NBA, I don't think in any other sport, I swear to God, do the refs just dictate the fucking pace and all that. And I know that I've had a fucking tampon in my ass about this for a long time, but it's ridiculous. Let me ask you a question. In the ever, in any game ever, forget about a game seven of an NBA playoff to go to the conference finals. Let's just say a regular season game in the middle

of fucking December. Does Kobe Bryant ever get called? Does he ever foul out on a fucking charge? Is that call ever going to be made against that guy? I'm going to go with never, right? Paul Pierce got five fouls, Tiki Tak foul, they foul the guy out on a fucking charge. It's unfucking believable. And just three days before I watched Kobe, I watched Kobe fucking hack a guy across both forearms, but that would have been his third foul in the second quarter and they would have had to sit the guy and what do they do? They have a meeting, the refs have a meeting and they give it to some bum standing next to him. It's just fucking, it's, you tell me the difference between the NBA officiating and the officiating and fucking wrestling. Okay, if you can do that,

Jesus Christ, sorry. Did I just lose you guys on that one? Why don't you set the fucking recorder where it's supposed to be there right down on the floor? Let's just bring everything down here. There we go, Bill. Seriously, if you can do that, I will fucking, I will go to your town and I will do karaoke and I'll sing whatever song you want me to sing. I'll do that LL Cool J song and I'll white it up. I know that I said that I would be true. That's what, that's what kills me about the NBA. Okay, I fucking have really been watching it because of the hangover and the devastation of seeing the Bruins get knocked out and I got into it again and it's just like basketball is a fucking phenomenal game. It's a pure game. You know, fucking ball in a hoop, loving it. If those fucking

striped cunts would just get out of the way and stop taking out their fucking frustration that there's some 23 year old kid who's getting more pussy and is worth millions of more dollars than you and your fucking footlocker outfit. So now you got to go around and just fucking dick to you. I have power. I'm going to do what I want to do. I don't know if it's that shit or if it's fucking David Stern in their rear with the Bluetooth, whatever, whatever. So hey, New Jersey zone, Paul Verzi, he's been talking a lot of trash, you know, talking about Oklahoma City, you know, that's who he's picking. And I actually picked the Spurs, you know, because my whole theory that the Spurs play, they play basketball the way your dad fights, you know, and I think that

that was evident in last night's game. You know, Oklahoma came out all fucking, you know, all young, full of piss and vinegar, running up and down the court and what are they doing? They just sort of jogged after them. All right, keep running. Keep going. It's like that movie colors, that, that, that street joke with a pop of bull and the son, the sun bull, father and son bull standing on the hill and they're looking down at a bunch of cows. And the son goes, hey, let's run down the hill and go fuck one of those cows. And the dad goes, no, let's walk down and fuck them all. All right, that's the Spurs. Let's walk down, pick and roll and fuck them all. That's what they're going to do all the way to another NBA championship.

And they're still not going to get respect because they play in a city that nobody cares about. Okay, Mexicans don't even care about San Antonio. They don't. All right, that's just a little stop off that they have when they cross the border before they go to like fucking, I don't know, El Paso. All right, that was a bad, that was a bad example. El Paso, I should have said, where do illegal immigrants usually end up? Denver. Come right up through Albuquerque, through Santa Fe. You know, run past Columbine. And they go right into Denver, don't they? What is that? Is that the 35 North?

Or is that now the 35 goes to Austin. There's so much fucking road drive and road traveling I've done because the 10 is the eight, then there's the 10, then there's a 40, and there's the 70, then there's the 80, then there's the 90. That's going east west. Those are evens. Odds go north south. Ah, fuck, I can't fucking remember anymore. That gives a shit. Anyways, so what do you guys think? Can the Celtics limp through another round? Can they beat? I like how they act like because Chris Bosch is out of it, like they don't still have LeBron James and that guy with the little mouth.

Dwayne Wade, what is with his fish lips? I don't understand. He looks like a fucking tuna. That can dunk. All right. What the fuck am I right? Oh, I know. I got to do some advertising. Sorry, people. I'm doing like, you know, one of these days I'm actually going to, nah, I'm not going to lie to you. I was going to say, you know, one of these days I'm going to get this thing into a studio and you know, there's going to be the guy, the fucking Baba Buie guy who comes in or the fucking this guy. It's just it's not happening. All right. It isn't. This is what it is. All right. Just like AC DC's first album. Okay. Do you think that they were going to do something else? No. This is what we're doing. Three chords, kick you in the cunt and a guitar

solo and that's it. Go fuck yourself with done until the next one comes out. That's what I'm doing with this. All right. I don't have time. Yes, I do. I have time. All right. I'm lazy. All right. Well, fuck you. You put shit off in your life. Don't you? All right. Here's one for you. The man great everybody and I just received my first man great. They just sent me a free one. This father's day. There's only one perfect gift. You guys all grilled this weekend on your little Hibachi's with those anorexic little greats that you have and all the grease drips down and lights your egg McMuffin on fire. Isn't that annoying? You know, because that's one of the things you really you get judged as a guy. You know what I mean? What your woman looks like what kind of car

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backyard 20 bucks off because of my my podcast and you're a listener. Just go to the man great banner on the podcast page of billbird.com. There you go. Get some for your father. You know your dad grill course he does probably fought for this country to the last generation of real men. All right. Let's get back to the podcast. Where the hell is it. All right. Let's get back to the stuff here. You know lately I've been asking I've been asking some of the ladies to write in and finally I haven't even read this yet but this already seems like gold. This is this is the the in the subject line of this email. It says I think the guy I'm dating is a pussy. Hello Bill. I am a 21 year old student. I began listening to your podcast recently

and I heard you complaining about how women have not written in on a while and being a woman myself decided to do so and ask you for advice. Well God bless you. I live at home with my mom and go to college. I recently found a very nice guy there at college and was really into him but then I started suspecting something strange. I started suspecting that maybe he was a pussy. At first I thought it was pretty harmless but then one night we had a house party and everyone was pretty drunk and a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a while was there and when everyone was way way way past drunk she tried to get into a fight with me and eventually pushed me down the wall then stole my iPhone and he was there

and did nothing. Jesus Christ I was so scared that I called my ex to come get me and he did. Wow. You think you're dating a pussy? I mean that right there. And he just stood there and let this other guy who used to hook up with you come in riding in on his white horse? Anyways my ex was more of a man than the guy I was dating. Now even though the guy I'm dating was drunk I felt like he should have protected me or done something. Anything. He did nothing and later he even confessed to me that he was scared of my drunk friend and even scared of me. What the fuck right? Even though he says this will never happen again I have enough knowledge

to know that people do do not usually change like that. You know that's a really wise that you're really wise for your age. At 21 if you if you're already not buying into the I'm gonna change that's your your wise beyond your years. You know they say that you're basically your psychological makeup is done by the time you're three. So if you see some little toddler standing there while somebody's taking his blocks that kid's gonna be a pussy. Anyways so should I be upset or give him another chance? Is this a deal breaker? Is there no way to change a guy from a pussy to a real man? Should I just break things off with him and if so should I remain friends with him? Thanks Bill and I hope you read this. I love you Nia. Oh that's

nice. Um all right this is the deal. Uh you asking a question is there no way to change a guy from a pussy to a real man? No I don't think I think that that happens. I think it happens way more in movies where somebody has a life-changing moment. Uh and then they just decide I'm not gonna take shit anymore but even then that just begins the journey of not being a pussy. You don't just say I'm not gonna be a pussy then bam you're not a pussy anymore. You have to you gotta work your way up. It's like if you were a hundred pounds overweight and you're like this I'm done. I'm not eating fucking ice cream anymore. The next day you don't have a six pack. You know takes a fucking year or something. You really gotta turn it around so um I don't know what are you looking for in a

guy? I mean I think the fact that you're writing me and you're saying I think the guy I'm dating is a pussy. I mean that that actually hurts me on some level just because I insert myself into this story and the person I'm dating would be calling me a pussy or I could be the X I guess I don't know. This isn't about me. This is about you. Come on Bill stop being selfish. All right um I think you've totally lost lost respect for this guy and if you don't respect the person you're with eventually you're gonna blow somebody else you know if you don't break up with this guy. That's what I'm predicting. If you don't break up with this guy you're just gonna cheat on him just to facilitate getting out of the relationship because uh you know to get to that l l cool j moment we can just

be fucking honest but I don't think you like that. I with something about you knowing that people don't change at your age and the fact that you like you know this guy's a pussy he's not sticking up for me and the fact that he didn't stick up for you and then you took charge and say well I'm gonna fucking call somebody who will. I mean technically you should have fucked your ex boyfriend that night and he and he shouldn't have been mad. He should have been like and he probably wouldn't have been because he's a pussy. You know I understand. I mean you know when you needed a big swing and dick. I mean god knows it wasn't me so uh yeah um I think if you don't break up with this guy you're actually fighting nature all right and you guys are wired to to I know you guys aren't wired to

to just have kids with pussies. You know what I mean? You want a strong son right? You know what that pussy DNA in your kid right? Oh that's gonna kill you. Imagine that you have a kid with this guy and you want this kid to be like uh like your ex boyfriend and it comes out and it's like this fucking little wormy worm guy. Ah that'd be awful. Walking down the aisle to marry this guy with that sheepish. I don't deserve you like you know what dad you want this guy to be the man standing down there in a white tuxedo like fucking Roger Moore and James Bond. I think I think uh look I don't know if this just happened and you're really upset so uh you know and like in three days you're not going to care and you're going to go back to having a picnic with this guy because for all I know

your ex who came coming back maybe you broke up with him because he cheated on you. Maybe he was too much of a guy if you know what I mean. So then you said well all right I'm gonna maybe I'm this next time I'm dating a nice guy. So now you dated a nice guy the thing about is sometimes you date a nice guy they can be so nice that they're pussies. All right and look I'm not I'm not sitting here acting like you know if I'm out with my girl in some fucking 200 pound 300 pound jacked fucking 25 year old comes up and starts doing shit that I'm going to start swinging because I'm not I'm not I'm not getting my fucking head kicked in just for the fuck of it no you know what I mean I mean it's not like just you know straight across the board as a guy you have to fucking go and get

your goddamn head kicked in but this was a fucking woman this was a lady I mean he's Jesus it's that it is a weird situation in defense of him where how do you get the fucking iPhone back you start wrestling with her now you're kind of fucking throwing a girl around so you're looking at that possible assault charge because God knows that's how the world worked works right now your honor I was trying to steal a phone and he that this guy assaulted me and you're gonna be sending the gun she was stealing a phone and they're not gonna be able to get past you're a guy and she's a girl but um you know he should have just he should have just held her by the back of her pants so she couldn't leave and just stayed out of reach of her swinging that's what you do if you're in

that situation as a guy you just reached out you grab by the back of your pants and you just start running in a circle until cops get there so they can't swing at you they're running backwards I mean I don't know what you get you gotta fucking do something and he didn't do anything that's the big thing if you told honestly if you told me that this was some giant guy who could kick the shit out of him uh I wouldn't say that the guy's a pussy you know what I mean I mean what is the point of going in and getting a concussion getting your tooth driven up through your fucking nose the guy's still gonna leave with your phone you know that's that old uh Richard Pryor bit macho man I'll take that knife and stick it up your ass macho man it's like no you're gonna get the

shit kicked out of you but this was a woman all right Bill for the fuck's sakes quit you have goddamn rambling wrap it up um I think you know what you want to do when you should do it um you are dating a pussy the fact that when he was sober he said that he was scared of her and of you uh he seems like he's a little for clumped and uh I just can't imagine this is gonna be a stereotype but a guy like that actually put it on you in the bedroom I really don't he probably stares at you in the eye am I hurting you is everything okay god you're so beautiful oh come on all right flip her over mush her face in the pillows oh she says in ps don't worry uh that cunt I used to call a friend who pushed me and took my phone

is no longer in my life did you get your phone back well what happened with you guys now wait a minute what like can I hear the follow-up here there's so many different ways this could be going was that like a girl like when you thought that maybe you were uh swinging another way and now all of a sudden you broke up with her and uh probably not it's just my own red shoe diary kind of fucking thing so anyways um what are we 30 minutes in and the monday morning podcast um I gotta I gotta uh give a little uh shout out here to uh flappers comedy club in bourbon california the city that johnny karson made famous um I had a fucking unbelievably great time this weekend I did four shows out there friday saturday night it's the perfect size club

they couldn't have been more friendly the all the shows were packed I was working out my new hour and um it was great I was working with uh chelsea paredi sacramento zone chelsea paredi she was hella funny as they say up there um yeah she was fucking great she sang some ridiculous line about michael bolton backstage like just fucking around and I said to her you gotta do that on stage you gotta do that on stage right so most people go I can't do it I just came up with it I'm not good I can't fucking do it she went up and she did it and closed with it and it was just one of those one of those weekends it just I don't know you'd have to be a comedian to understand how much that like gets you going to be like all right I'm gonna go up and go try

some shit if she's just gonna go fucking sing some fucked up line about michael bolton what I'm gonna go up there and push the out of my jokes about the new things that I want to try so um I was psyched I feel like I already got I have a solid 25 minutes towards my new hour where I can actually you know run my mouth and not do anything on the special that's coming up because that's basically the game you take the special the second it's done you then have from whenever you finish taping to when the new one comes out to somehow come up with an hour of shit that you can say to a crowd and they won't demand their money back so I have until October and I figured I feel like I'm already halfway there you know this time next week I'm actually gonna go out

with a buddy of mine uh you know I never rode a motorcycle in my life he's gonna teach me how to do it I know what you guys are thinking oh a motorcycle well fucking just go buy the coffin with it I'm not dirt bikes I'm just gonna ride a fucking dirt bike just because I want to learn how to fucking ride one you know what I mean just for that uh MacGyver moment there's two there's a couple things I want to learn how to do I want to fucking learn how to ride a motorcycle and maybe fly a helicopter just so I have my you know just in case if I'm ever in some Jason born kind of situation you ever think about that shit what's great about action fucking heroes is I don't give a

fuck what vehicle it is I don't care if it can fly if it's on the water if it's a fucking dump truck if it's a goddamn tank it's a it's a fucking hovercraft those sons of bitches not only did they have time to be trained in every form of martial arts swords weaponry guns anything they know how all that works and they can drive every fucking vehicle known to man you know you got to do that you got to as a guy you got to make your or a woman right as a girl remember that when he used to spell it g r r l because you guys weren't taking no more you got to make that fucking your your action hero list you know your jason born lists have you ever seen an action movie where the fucking guy jumps into some vehicle or plane or anything is like I

just how does this work does anybody know how to drive a fucking helicopter fly it or whatever I want to be able to do that shit you know what's his face tom cruise tom cruise has a pilot's license he can ride a motorcycle remember top gun when he was fucking riding with the without his helmet on right he can ride him uh he can drive a sports car I wanted the helicopter though that's probably the wild card everybody's got that it's like a great pitcher he's got his he's got his four pitches or whatever but not everybody has to cut fastball I think the the helicopter is the cut fastball for a maybe it's a knuckleball for an action hero whatever whatever I never learned how to ride a motorcycle because my parents would not allow it they just wouldn't allow it and uh you

know the fuck was I gonna do I didn't have the money to buy one I wanted to get one which required them I was like can you buy me this they're like no if we could afford it we wouldn't and I was like why not they're like because you're gonna fucking die all right and it's as annoying as you are as a child we don't want that to happen so no we're not we're not getting you that and then remember I got old enough and I was gonna buy this the motorcycle came out it was called the Honda Rebel and it was only 1200 bucks this was the 80s and I still remember the commercial it was something like uh look at my watch it was 951 so I called up my girl said let's have some fun and we rolled riding on a rebel get this fucking bike something like that right and um

I was gonna buy it and the girl I was seeing at the time said if you buy that you might as well buy the coffin to go with it and I don't know I talked to a couple other people and people work in emergency rooms they they call people who ride motorcycles they just call them organ donors and uh and I was under the impression of yeah but what if you got really good at riding a bike you know people suck at riding bikes maybe if you got really good at it and I basically eventually probably somebody told me it's like listen stupid it doesn't matter how good you are if somebody sucks at driving a car they're in a fucking car you're in a motorcycle that's it you know there's no fender benders as they say on those things so I was just like all right you know what

that's probably a good idea oh fucking action heroes can also ride a horse there's just nothing there's nothing they can they can't fucking do and climb up the side of a building so what you got to do you got to get a chin up bar and then you got to start knocking down all these modes of transportation because that's that's as big a part of fucking Armageddon as you know growing your own food and having your own water supply you have to be able to drive every mode of transportation I guarantee you if you go on YouTube there's going to be a video I've never looked this up but how to drive a tank I bet somewhere on the internet somewhere on the internet I bet that there's a video that will teach you how to

do that shit um so anyways what the hell was I talking about I just totally lost my goddamn train of thought um oh yeah so I'm going to be uh oh I know what I'm talking about put coming up with this new hour material so how I do it this is how I do it is um obviously I throw out all my other shit and I only go back to the old hour if I have to um and I just keep talking new shit I take all rules of hack I throw them out the window I will just I will write down to a Michael Jackson impression if I could do it I would do it on stage I wouldn't give a fucking I just just to be saying something new they'll just get me thinking that way and then in my personal life I go out and I try and do some shit that I never did before because I know goddamn well I'm going to make an ass of myself

trying to ride that bike I'll stall it out I'll do a face plan I'll do something fucking stupid um or whatever I don't know I mean even that fucking shit I just said they're about the fucking action heroes so they can drive something something will come out of it so that is my uh that is what I'm going to be working on coming up and I got a bunch of actually stand-up gigs it starts to get crazy again in um in June I'm going to be at the San Jose Improv Chelsea Peretti is on that one also I had to give her that one it's so close to her hometown of Sacramento all her peeps are going to come down be hella excited um that's on June 15th and 16th and then I'm doing the on and on the 17th I'm at the Chicago Theater and that's a Vince Vaughn show

Vince Vaughn Wild West show it's going to be me obviously Vince Vaughn Steve Byrne I got to get you guys that lineup that's going to be insane and uh the Chicago Theater is the shit I actually got to work at one time previously when I was working with the great Jimmy Norton on his tour uh the anti-social tour was me Norton Atel and Brewer that was such an unbelievable show and the Bruins won the Stanley Cup that night so um this is my triumphant return to the Chicago Theater that's going to be Sunday June 17th all right so all you mustachioed uh stereotypical Chicago people bring fucking six thousand of your closest friends down to that gig and Ontario Improv the Inland Empire June 29th 30th in July 1st and then the next gig I got after that is Hampton Beach in New

Hampshire on July 14th in Newport Rhode Island I'm doing the Newport Yachting Center which sounds really like I said snooty but it's a tent that they put up in the parking lot in Newport Rhode Island uh July 15th and that's actually one of my favorite gigs because I get to go back and see all kinds of friends and family and that's it and by then I'm guaranteeing you by that July 15th I'm going to have my 45 fucking minutes down that's my goal by July 15th to have a new 45 minutes and then I can coast through you know August and September get that next 15 and then my special comes out right and hopefully everybody likes it then they come out to see me and everybody's like oh fuck we saw him he's got a whole new fucking hour and that is how you do it um all right dilemma

Bill would you rather lose your driver's driver's license forever or spend the rest of your life as a vegan oh man that is a great one and I obviously can't cheat on the diet uh what a hell of a dilemma drive around is a grumpy skinny douche for the rest of my life no no no no what yeah wait would you I just got lost in that lose your driver's license forever or spend the rest of your license oh I'd have to walk around as a meat eating jackass spend the rest of my life as a vegan I'd have to be a vegan I'd have to be a vegan what am I gonna be I just sit around eating burgers walking around the block

asking people to drive me places I wonder if you could get used to that though I lost my license for drinking and driving a long time ago and that was back when you only lost it for 45 days on a first defense and they didn't count the first two weeks while I was waiting to get arraigned um so it was probably more like 45 I probably lost it for I don't think it was two weeks either I lost it for like 50 something days and I remember towards the end of it I almost I forgot what it was like to drive just after that amount of time you know if I lost my driver's license forever I would just live I would live in New York City

that's what I would do and you know I'd be like one of those fucking people you know when you live in New York Jesus Christ New York City man I you know what the smartest thing I've I left New York City at 39 that was the smartest thing I ever did New York City is such a city for young people you know I know I've said this shit before but like if you this is the thing I really feel that you gotta live there at some point in your life it's fucking awesome you have to live there but don't stay there too long you stay there too long there's just something happens you become agoraphobic you know you have some unhealthy relationship with the fucking animal and I'm not saying

bestiality but like you know instead of having a kid you have like a cat and all you do is sit around bitching that there's no fucking good restaurants in your neighborhood and it's just it's just you get all hunched over you you start looking like you have osteoporosis even if you don't this that city is for young people and go there have a good time and then you got to get out don't hang there too long because you end up it's like Matthew McConaughey in days and confused you're just hanging around and uh it's it's not a good thing um oh and speaking of which how about the New Jersey Devils the New Jersey Devils and the LA Kings who do you like who do you like and the Rangers lose the Rangers lose my condolences to all Rangers fans and my condolences

to the world's most famous arena slash food court once again another year goes by no NBA title no Stanley Cup but for some reason it's the world's most famous arena because of music because of Frankie Sinatra because of Led Zeppelin because of Muhammad Ali not because of the Rangers or the Knicks okay and I know that's a bitter pill for you New York sports fans to swallow and that's exactly why I'm handing it to you on a nice fucking pill swallow it because it's all you um Celtics by the way are still in it going for their 18th NBA World Championship all championships won in the NBA in the National Basketball Association as opposed to that other team out west that counts that BAA title we won an NBA title before there

was even an NBA um anyways by the way I got to give the Rangers props though to ranger fans everybody stole your let's go Rangers everybody stole that from you guys in 1994 you guys were the only guys doing it it became fucking iconic and now everybody does it you know let's go Bruins no one ever did that it was here we go Bruins here we go bop bop that's what the fuck it was now yeah people go let's go Bruins and it bugs me um I actually looked up the history of uh the beat la chant and uh because some jackass was trying to be like oh he says the fucking uh the San Francisco giant fans used to say that to the Dodgers back in the Chicago fuck yourself no they didn't all right according to my fucking internet research uh the history of the beat la chant was

actually when the 76ers beat the Celtics in game seven in 1982 and they were going and we hated the fucking Lakers that's how much we hated the Lakers the 76ers beat us in our own goddamn building we knew it was over and the fans chanted beat la actually they chanted it to the 76ers all right that's how much we fucking hated la you know we weren't going fuck you 76ers yada yada yada all that bullshit we were just like all right you beat us you know as much as we fucking hate that we hate the Lakers more and then the beat la chant was born all right and if that isn't a fucking phenomenal story I don't know what is and I gotta tell you something I hated the 76ers back then but when I look back and I remember those teams I fuck I love them now Maurice Cheeks Andrew Tony

Bobby Jones Dr. J oh and then when they brought in Moses Malone it was just phenomenal and I loved their uniforms back then I don't know why they just don't go back to those I don't know why every fucking uniform has to be so goddamn discoed up I just don't get it they were just simple back then I don't know although I gotta say I like the new Atlanta Hawks uniforms I like those better though then once they had back in the day during Dominique's they were they were definitely uh I don't know what the fuck was going on with that all right please beat the dead horse Bill you've received this email a million times all right can you please beat the dead horse and make make it clear one more time

that she should not be wasting any more time with him anymore sincerely pronouns what I don't even get that I know you're trashing me can you please beat the dead horse and make it clear one more time that she should not be wasting any more time with him anymore I don't know what the fuck that is you got me you got me surf or ma'am or whatever you beat me I don't even know what that means weird signals from a sort of a creepy friend hey Bill I'm a girl that has a lot of guy friends I'd say about 70% of my friends are guys half are gay half aren't you know what I can't fucking stand I hate women who have gay friends and they refer to them oh that's my gay he's my gay I fucking uh those women are the fucking

worst and then their stupid gay friend comes around cock blocking you you know with his sassy fucking bullshit coming in and out that's when you just like why don't the two of you go fucking finger blast each other no it's really it's really fucking annoying it's really annoying it's and then I always feel like the gay guy is gay in it up is acting he's just like acting extra gay uh like sitcom gay not like real life gay and it's the whole fucking thing is just annoying so anyways he she goes uh and lately I've been noticing a lot of my male friends have started staring at me it's a little weird because I've known them for a while and no one ever looked at me twice but over the last two months

I keep catching them looking particularly my friend so-and-so all right well what's going on with you did you hit the gym were you late developing are you dressing differently um so-and-so is my age and sort and sort of kind of has a girlfriend but not really oh Jesus are you that kind of girl Nia went off on back in the day girl has all guy friends uh anyways she just turned 15 oh wait a minute are you underage I don't want to read this she just turned 15 and he's determined to wait around for two years until she's legal in the eyes of the state we live in to officially date and get with her since all they've done is kiss creepy I think yes uh I would say definitely yes if you're sitting there floating around just going let me tell you something man

the second law allows me to take my dick out I'm going to do it that's fucking creepy anyways now even though he's allegedly in love with this child he gets super flirty with me when we hang out even going so far as to cop feels make jokes about us hooking up and give me long hugs yeah stay away from this guy this guy's a creep she goes I'm friends with this dude but this whole situation weirds me out as it should I'm not sure if he really wants to stay with his girlfriend or try to get or try his hand at dating someone age appropriate but there's a fucking ton of mixed signals going on here and any outside insight would be awesome thanks in advance um I think you got to go with your gut on this one I think the reason why you're getting creeped out is because this guy's creepy

that's fucking creepy that's fucking creepy all right a 22 year old guy with the 15 that's Chris Hansen can you can you kiss a girl who's 15 at 22 what are you doing you're in the prime of your life there's plenty of fucking uh you're 22 years old that's it you're a fucking rock star there's a zillion women that you can get with yeah this guy is a creep he's beyond a fucking creep I remember when I was 22 what an 18 year old girl felt like a child at that point it was just weird like that that's a huge jump they're still living at home you know you're of legal drinking age you're going to titty bars you're getting arrested for fucking drinking and driving you flunked out of college I mean your eons away from where they they were at 18 that's how I felt um I remember as a senior

in college like freshmen seem like like children that's fucking weird yeah I would stay away from that guy and um and as far as guys looking at you it sounds like you're uh you're turning into a swan they're cutie pie so why don't you go get a guy you deserve stay away from uh the future sex offender you know because you're just gonna have to testify in his trial because you're friends that he's actually a good guy rather than a bad guy that is beyond fucked up a 22 year old guy making out with a 15 year old girl is beyond fucked up that's beyond fucked up all right yeah that's like to the point I wish I didn't even read it they're like ruins takes all the fucking comedy out of this shit all right 53 minutes and what do we got to do

it uh hey how about some advertising that's a nice set up on a little Chris Hansen story and now let me tell you some stuff you gotta buy um all right what do we got here stamps.com everybody you know what I've been talking about it forever I've been using it now for like what since like February shipping all of my dvds in my bvds in my own apartment um dead serious man I got it I got the scale I still haven't bought my little uh I'm a postman hat yet you know a little visor like is he gonna ship a package or when the us open nobody knows um look there's a few things that are a bigger waste of time they go into the post office when something like stamps.com exists all right you can basically bring the post office into your house you can print legal stamps all

right right off their website right out of your printer right onto your envelope or onto a box you got a little scale if you need like uh whatever you call that one the postage I guess you can you can do the whole thing you can do everything that you can do at the post office except waste time in your life all right stamps.com will not only save you time you can buy and print out like I just said the official us postage on your computer or printer you can print exact postage on any other pocket package right from your desk um stamps.com will also save you money it's a fraction of the cost of a postage meter plus you get discounts you can't even find at the post office um right now if you use my last name burr burr for this special offer you get a no risk

trial plus a hundred ten dollar bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to 55 uh free dollars in postage all right don't wait go to stamps.com now before you do anything else click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr burr that stamps.com and enter burr burr and um also I have other exciting news if that wasn't exciting enough that you can bring this the post office into your apartment wouldn't it be great if you could bring the titty bar into your apartment are you sick of going there and paying those high ATM fees for a woman who's not going to bang you wouldn't it be nice if somebody came and shook their titties right in your own apartment at titties.com um I was telling you guys how uh

if you go to amazon.com through my website on the podcast page you just click on it and if you're going to buy something you just buy it that way you don't have to do anything else once you get to amazon.com that uh they kick me back some money and 10 percent of the proceeds go to the wounded warriors well I got my first check from amazon.com so I I can't do it today because they don't do the they don't pick up the mail uh tomorrow I get to write a nice check um courtesy of you guys for taking the time to go through billburr.com go to the podcast page and clicking on the amazon banner and I want to thank all you guys for doing that because uh you know this is really perfect for Memorial Day weekend to be bringing this up that we get to actually uh you know

help out the wounded warriors project through uh buy-in-flobis on amazon.com so I actually use it I'm rebuilding this caberator and I'll just go on my own damn podcast click on that you know rebuilding the holly 4160 dude and um I know that that sounds impressive it definitely has that man great vibe to it doesn't it but I gotta tell you it's not that difficult taking it apart and then putting it back together it really isn't that difficult uh what is difficult though is uh I haven't got to the part where you gotta use a little measure and make sure the the float is at the right level and then adjusting the carburetors but I gotta be honest with you I don't think that that is gonna get is gonna be that hard either once you've taken

something apart you know what I mean I don't and then put it back together it's not as scary anymore which is why surgeons are so goddamn arrogant you know when they cut you open and move around you're friggin over easy your goddamn liver and then sew you back up and you don't die I mean do you really think that they think they're buying the next round I think you know as arrogant as professional athletes are I think that like surgeons should be twice as fucking arrogant really did you split the D and dunk from the foul line I cut open a guy's skull fucking played patty cake with his brain put it back together and he can still talk all right go fuck yourself Kobe um and then he steps on you all right let's get back to the

podcast here what the hell is it what's the rest of the stuff here uh oh my god here's one for you guys my boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored by the way how fresh and new are these uh these emails here just because it's coming from the female perspective I love this shit all right not saying I don't want guys to email in but I would like to have a nice balance here I already say enough shit trash and women so it helps if women come in trash and guys because uh I you know it'll be a nice balance here all right my boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored dear bill I wanted to get your take on a situation I'm in with my current boyfriend I'm a girl all right a few weeks ago my boyfriend of two years told me that he's become totally upset

that he circumcised and wants to restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods what and basically why he wants to do this is because everybody they say that um intercourse you you lose like I don't know some percentage of sensitivity when you have your foreskin removed and all I can say is no guy can tell the difference whether he has a foreskin or whether he doesn't because unless you got laid when you were fucking six weeks old you don't know what you're gaining or what you're missing so I don't understand why you would do this so by restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods she goes I know I know it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it I wanted to tell him I think he's out of

his mind uh but I don't want to hurt his feelings the thing is I'm totally grossed out by the idea of foreskin penises are gross enough already there's no need to make it even grosser you know what am I the only guy that totally agrees with that is there anything more fucking disgusting than a fucking flaccid foreskin covered dick I don't even know what it looks like it looks like a like a fucking I don't know what it looks like it's just just fucking disgusting I don't even have like a reference looks like an elephant dick I don't even know what that's just gross it's fucking disgusting um she goes obviously I can't tell him how I feel he's clearly having a really hard time

with this he tells me that he feels violated and disfigured this guy's a pussy just throw this throw this guy into the fucking pussy bin and get on with your life he also claims that foreskins has a lot of advantage for both partners but it's hard for me to totally buy that considering the fact I have slept with a couple uncircumcised guy and I didn't notice any extra pleasure although I did use a condom with both guys yeah he's full of shit he's full of shit it may be more pleasure for him I don't know what I mean I think it's amazing that women will put a dick in their mouths you know the least you can do is try and tidy up down there you know how about have a little fucking empathy I mean that's just disgusting it's just fucking extra skin yeah nothing

more sexier than extra skin yeah yeah it's like your dick used to be obese and then lost a ton of weight but didn't have enough money to have that surgery they get rid of the extra ah that's gross there's another two paragraphs people just just preparing you for another two paragraphs of having an uncircumcised stretch taped dick in your head anyway I think it's absolutely disgusting and totally weird that he wants to do this and I'm starting to get really turned off by the idea of sleeping with him while he's stretching out his foreskin he told me he's going to tape it to an elastic strap which he's going to tie around his leg I know what the fuck is he just coming up with this shit on his own I told him that he should see a doctor before he starts to

do this but he doesn't want but he doesn't think that doctors know much about this sort of thing oh so he's just going to take it in his own hands uh congratulations sweetheart you're dating a fucking moron that come on this is the father of your children coming up with you know taking an erector set to his fucking dick do I have to finish reading this I'm thinking of breaking it off with them really of course you are I thought he was a normal guy but I had no idea he had all this freaky shit going on underneath the surface anyways what do you think about all of this you got to go ll cool j you just got to do what he did you're stretching out your fucking dick I know I said I'd be true you're stretching out your fucking dick so I'm leaving you go fuck yourself

it's over yeah fucking gross anyway what do you think all this am I just fine dumping him away would that make me an insensitive cunt no it would make you a strong person all right you go with your gut on this one this guy is trying to to do the impossible like uh like he said fucking scientists in that Michael J Fox movie back to the future he's basically you know doing the DeLorean bullshit with his dick and he doesn't want to go see a doctor any doctor would tell him you can't do that you know it'd be funny those if you dumped this guy right and it actually works and then he starts screaming like Billy Mays on tv with his dick stretcher and he sells it for 1995 it makes a zillion dollars I'm just playing

devil's advocate here you know there's a 99% chance you're doing the right thing but there is a 1% chance you could be walking away from a potential millionaire because I gotta be honest with you if that guy actually pulls this off no pun intended he pulls this off and he's able to do it with some household material and then he you know they they already make millions of dollars with those those pills that say they're gonna make your dick bigger which we all know it doesn't work because if it fucking worked that would be an international story and um and then it still wouldn't work because then what would happen was everybody would take big dick pills even guys with big dicks because they don't want everybody else catching up with them so then having a little dick would then be

like having a six inch dick as opposed to a three inch four inch dick right there's a math workout on that or you get bumped up you got a six seven inch dick you just you're just regular no you're actually not regular you'd have a little dick so if this guy actually fucking is able to pull this that doesn't even make sense he's going if he thought he was disfigured now wait till he tries to fucking do this i mean his dick is gonna look like you know when those people put that shit in their earlobes they put those fucking um those circular circular things you could shoot a goddamn fucking bow and arrow through somebody's earlobe and not draw any blood he's going to do that to his dick except he's not going to have that thing in there and it's just going to be hang all right

bill we got it it's disgusting all right overrated underrated uh underrated a steakhouse dinner with your bullies there's nothing better than stuffing your fat face with your friends devouring me filet mignon prime rib and porter house and leaving nothing on your plate at the end recently my two buddies and i went to morton steakhouse and we each spent 115 bucks despite having a hundred dollar gift card we each got our own steaks side shrimp cocktails to start and drinks to keep us twisted we ate like royal royalty despite being low level pieces of shit we could not even we could not have been that gluttonous with the ladies why not no offense to any wives or girlfriends but nothing beats pigging out on quality food and not giving a shit about how you look in the process

you and your girl just can't do that sort of steakhouse thing but you can do it with your boys apps are fucking lootily uh you know what dude you sound like a chick you're not going to pick out in front of your girl you know what come see me in san jose when fucking paredi opens up for me she actually talks about eating a lot of women don't want to fucking throw down all right but i know what you mean i thought just to hang out with guys it just makes you feel like you're running your own corporation when you have a steak dinner with you with just hanging out with the guys right you're smoking a cigar you're drinking a scotch and everybody feels like they're fucking you know hd buttercup she overrated fake tits they're too stiff but uh they look silly to me and

uncomfortable for her i don't know why women keep doing this it isn't better thank you that's one of the truest things ever you know they're fucking they're they're horrific and they don't feel good and i think natural titties look better always regardless of the size it's just it's just not that big a deal it really isn't that you would do that that you would take a bag of chemicals and have it inserted into your body it's just fucking insane i think uh it was a bad idea and i think it's over fake titties it's it's like bell bottoms it's over all right just let it go it was a bad idea uh underrated the natural boob both jiggly and eco friendly absolutely um all right that's the podcast for this week i think i had everything i had to talk about except uh i guess

gamefly.com i didn't bring that up all you video gamers out there you guys seen the new uh grand theft auto that's coming out well why don't you go to fucking gamefly.com why am i cursing why don't you go to gamefly.com huh why don't you where the hell is it where the hell is man great stamps.com advertising schedule here we go stay uh gamefly.com everybody go to gamefly.com slash burr and you'll immediately you get a 15 day free trial to all my listeners all right you'll have access to 8000 video games at your fingertips they can be delivered to your door or straight to your pc www.gamefly.com slash burr 15 days after 15 days of playing 8000 video games if that's even possible you can be like yeah you know what i don't want it go to hell why wouldn't you do that

huh you know why because you're self sabotage and you have to stop and it begins today with gamefly.com slash burr all right that's the podcast for this week um congratulations to everybody's team who won in the playoffs and uh my condolences even to the rangers man i just break you guys balls okay um that's it that's the podcast let's go Celtics fuck the miami heat and it's gonna crush me to see the spurs win the championship again this year because i always felt tim dunkin should have been a Celtic he was he's the perfect Celtic fundamentally sound not flashy the anti showtime Laker it's what made the Celtics Lakers rivalry so great they were both awesome teams who did it two different ways and we were always the uh

we're gonna bore you to death and still score 108 points that's how we always were and uh oh just i forget there was some bullshit that happened that year in the lottery we had like two lottery balls and we still didn't fucking get them i don't know who the fuck we went and wound up with like joe berry carol some bullshit so it kills me and uh you know what it's i you know what i think do you think maybe san Antonio will finally get some fucking respect if they win it again would this be tim dunkin's fourth or fifth title i can't remember he won in 99 then they won in like 0 4 then they won like they won like every other year for a couple years i have no i gotta look that up i got no idea and i should know that shit he was one at least three

oh bill shut the fuck up all right go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week