Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-3-21

Episode Date: May 2, 2021

Bill rambles about pool day, super death wobble, and Gen Z.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, May 3rd, 2021, what's going on? How are you? How's it going, man? How was your weekend? Do you have a good one? Do you enjoy yourself? I had a great one. I hope you did too. Oh, Bill, oh, did you do a podcast today to throw your air quote, great weekend in our faces? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. I had a great weekend and while whilst trying to control my temper, as I told you guys, I'm not angry anymore. I understand why I was angry, but I need, I need new coping mechanisms. I swear to God, if you guys saw what I flipped out about on say, like, and both flip outs were within, I don't know, like fucking three

minutes of each other and I was doing so fucking great. This is what happened. So we decided to have a little pool day, right? Get the kids in the pool, dad's making the burgers, doing all of that shit, right? And I did the whole fucking thing, right? I took the solar tap off the fucking little splashy pool we got there, right? Of course, it's all fucking turning green and shit. I don't know what happened, right? So I got a hose that fucking thing off the fucking hose I got doesn't have like, I don't have a one that we call it the nozzle thing, right? So I go to my wife, I'm gonna run down to the hardware store, I'm gonna get a nozzle since you what do you need that for? I'm like, well, I'm gonna get it

so I can spray off the tarp because it's got a bunch of green shit on it. I gotta get rid of that. And she's like, okay, is that something we can do after the kids? She's right. She's right. But I'm like, I want to fucking go now, right? Now, now, go now, right? So I not you know what I stayed in the pocket, I go, okay, that's cool. I'll do it then, right? So go down fucking pool, this green ass goddamn tarp. It used to be clear now it's got these green streaks in it that drive me fucking crazy. And I walk over to the garden hose just to see what's up maybe I can just put my thumb over it or whatever. And what's funny is I pull the hose out of the little potted plant that it was in and I realized that there was no place to screw it

on anyways, which is it just ended as a rubber hose. This is like yet another thing the last people's everything they fucking did was cheap. So I got this fucking hose just I don't know. So I was like, well, shit, I would have gone to the hardware store, missed out on you know, kind of interacting with the family and all of that and not came back with this fucking nozzle. And hey, what, what, what, you know, you got no suit to wear to your job. I would be I don't have a fucking the threads to put this fucking thing on the goddamn hose. Jesus, what am I trying to say? So I was like, well, that actually kind of worked out. I was able to spray up, you know, put the thumb over, crease the pressure or whatever. And I was able to hose it off, it looked

good, got everything out of the way. So then everything's good. But coming down, I literally look like Robert Young on Father's Knows Best if he had some sort of pigment issue, and was was dipped in fucking orange number six, whatever color I am in Crayola. So we're coming down right out to the pool. And you know, we get my son, you know, we get everybody ready, put the sunblock on all that type of shirt, I got stuff, I got my fucking stupid Hawaiian shirt on. And I literally got in Hawaii. It's a real one. Right? It isn't I got it at a real gift shop in Honolulu. And bathing suit on slathering on the fucking sunblock, right? I look like I'm about to do some kabuki dance. I got the shit on so thick, right? So we go to put my son in the little floaty thing.

And as we're putting it in, the thing is just sinking. I'm like, what's going on here is my wife's putting it together. She goes, Yeah, I don't understand. He's sinking. I go, we forgot to blow it up. It was a new one, right? So now we go to take it out. Now there's fucking water in the thing. I got to squeeze it all out or whatever. So finally, I get all the water out of the fucking thing. And I go to blow this thing up orally, right? And nowhere is going in. I'm like, what the fuck? There's another one. Maybe this is the one tried on that one. Nothing's going in. My Jesus Christ in my wife's like, maybe it's broken. We have another one upstairs. So I go all the upstairs to go get the fucking thing back in the house, go upstairs, go get the fucking thing.

Get it out of the box, do all that. I go to blow it up. That one won't take any air. And I'm just then that's when I just snapped. The wind was open. And they were down at the pool. And all of a sudden they just heard their dad just go, really? I done like 5,000 fucking things. I got everything out of the fucking way. I'm outlining all this information for my instrument exam that should be coming up the next couple of months. I have to do 10 fucking pages a day of the driest, most fucked up shit I've ever had to try to shove into my brain ever. I'm sitting there with flashcards making these things before everybody gets up. I do 19 other things. And now it's like, okay, I got to have the grill going. I got to have all the hand my wife sees in the hamburger. I

got all of this shit going. All I need to do is get the kids in the fucking pool, get the kids in the pool. And this motherfucker will not. So now I have to go fucking on the YouTube to try to find the right floaty and all of this shit, right? And oh, I skipped as I went to do that. I go into my son's room and I could smell the diaper thing needed to be changed. So I pull the fucking bag out and there's no place to tear it off. And it just keeps coming out like a musician pulling, I'm just a magician pulling the fucking shit out of his mouth. Like, is this ever gonna end? Right? And I was just like, what the fuck? And then I realized it was a new one, a new style of thing. And then I just snapped again. It's like, why do they always have to try to make it fucking better?

I knew how to use the other one. Screen that that floated down to the fucking pool. I don't know if they heard it or not. And then I figured out like it was different or whatever. And I was like, what the fuck? And rather than reading the instructions, I just started ripping it out of the fucking thing. I undid the whole thing like I was undoing a fucking parachute. And then I finally looked at it and oh, you're supposed to just rip it off and then tie it off. This is actually probably more efficient because then you can use more of the plastic as a bag. So if it's, if you got a really stinky diaper in there, you can just decide that, okay, this bag ends now. And so then I tried to repack the fucking thing. And I couldn't get it back together. And I just

was like, all right. And by then my wife came upstairs. Oh, I just come up to get my son's little hat. That's what it was. I had such blind rage in those moments. I don't even fucking remember what happened. Then I apologized, you know, my wife's looking at me like, how many times you're gonna apologize? I just said, listen, I know that behavior is wrong. I know that behavior hurts you. I just, I have 50 years of muscle memory that this is where I go to. I should have just relaxed. I should have just looked at the instructions that were clearly written on the inside of it. And I wouldn't have done that. But I didn't. So, you know, I think she appreciated that. But you know, as much as she hates that I do that, you know, your woman secretly loves when you're that in

the wrong, because then they get to, they get to fucking, you know, gives them all this power to just kind of be like, yeah, okay. Like whatever, you know, or maybe I'm just blaming her because I'm embarrassed by my behavior. So whatever, we ended up going down there. We had a great time in the pool, got some awesome pictures. And the great thing, if you get a little last pool like myself, it just wears them out. It wears everybody out. So then we got them inside. I made the burgers. You know, my wife told me, I thought you were gonna make them like the guy made them down the street. And I was like, okay, that's not really a thank you. Is it? You know what I should have done? I should have been like, I just got up and stormed out like she would have. Instead, I just went

like, oh yeah, yeah, I'm still making them the way my mom used to make. You know, your mom makes them, right? The burger was always like a giant hockey puck, right? But now how you got to make them is you got to have them long and flat with the grill turned up so that juicy on the inside and the edges are crispy, because those are all the fucking rage. And I got to tell you, they are delicious. They are fucking delicious. So she was just like, yeah, I thought you're gonna make them that way. I was like, and then I'm like, like, you know, compliment boy like, oh, but it's still good, right? Did I do a good job? She's like, no, no, it's just, you know, I thought you're gonna do it the other way. Just uh,

you forgot to get chips. Cooking for somebody on a grill on a hot summer day is just the thankless fucking job, right? So at least this is the way this is my version of it. So anyway, we ended up getting the kids back inside and they just go down. They're just out both of them for two hours. It was great. And I was hanging out with my wife on the couch and I fell asleep. And my wife was in heaven. Because all of her kids were sleeping, including myself, the fucking 52 year old fucking eight year old, the maturity of a fucking eight year old, not even an eight year old since insulting. I have the maturity of a fucking six year old and I'm gonna drive and I'm trying to bump it up to seven.

Okay, baby steps, literally. So, and then she was able to chill, you know, and watch her shows. And we had a great time. So if I just, if I just didn't do those two things, if I just didn't do those two things, we had a perfect, I had the perfect day. I had the perfect day and I just me always fucks it up. I was the one that suggested maybe doing a cookout. My wife, you know, once we get him in the pool, let's we should do some burgers too. She was all about it. She was all excited. I had her in the emotional state that that I'm always going for. Keeping her happy. Don't be a douche, Bill. And what does Bill do after all this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, bullshit. Flipped out about a floaty fucking thing for a pool and a disposable diaper

thing. I, I yelled probably as loud as somebody when they first discovered they're on fire. That's how loud I yelled. It's ridiculous. I'm an embarrassment of a fucking human being, but whatever. I got past my other shit. So now I just need to like today, today, I was, you know, I like today I have a zillion fucking things to do after I told you guys I was going to stop doing that. I don't know what I said fucking yes to like nine things today. I got like nine things to fucking do today and I got to take my kid to the park. I got to do all of this shit, get Mother's Day cards for all the moms in my life, all of this shit. And you know, and, you know, I'm in the grocery store with my beautiful daughter and she's doing dad, dad,

I want this, dad, dad, I want this, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad. And I never flipped out, never flipped out. I didn't do any like, like, I didn't do any like, you know, that stern talk you do like, honey, can you just, I'm trying to, I didn't do any of that. I just kept muttering to myself, I have a beautiful house with a pool, beautiful kids and a beautiful wife. There's no yesterday you flipped out over a floaty thing. She's like, dad, you're not listening to me. Oh, Jesus. But I was able to do it. So that's my new thing. Okay. And, and you know why I was able to do that? Because I rather than thinking yesterday, you have a beautiful house and beautiful family. There's no reason to flip out of this shit. I how it works in my brain, this might help help

any other angry lunatic out there. I have to say it out loud before it becomes a thing. If I think it, then it's just in my head and it's just a dream. This is the guy I want to be. I had to literally be like, say this the next time you're going to flip out over something you shouldn't be flipping out about. You don't flip out about a four year old acting like a four year old in a supermarket. You don't do that. You just, you just mutter. You mutter. That's my thing. Like, what was that? What was that Jackie Gleason? Pins and needles, needles and pins, something, something, something. I don't know what the fuck it was. He was trying to control his temper. I have one of those now. Count to 10. Count to 10 with me. That's what I'm trying to do. Oh my

God. I need to play drums like you're fucking, you're fucking read about right now. All right. All right. So last night, oh, let's continue on my, my great weekend. I, this weekend, I had my first spot indoors at the comedy store since March of last year. I was in the, the main room and it was fucking magical. It was unfucking believable. The comedy store is going to be so incredible as we gradually come back. And I'm also really excited, you know, as much as all the guys that I loved, a bunch of them have moved away, you know, Texas, Jersey, fucking Tennessee and all of this shit. It's sort of this exciting time of like, who's going to slide in and fill those gaps? Because that's the thing about the store

is every time you think like, oh man, there's the end of an era. What's going to, you know, will there ever be more fun? They all, it always fuck just people just fucking step in. And it's incredible. You know, I always look at it like, you know, if the store survived the passing of Richard Pryor, I mean, I think it can pretty much survive anything because a lot of beasts have flown the coop here. So I'm excited. And it's also great for me as an old comic, because I feel like it's going to be young comics coming in and young comics, keep old comics like me young, you know, not physically, obviously, but like just being around them, what they talk about and stuff informs you of what's going on. So you don't, you

stay, what's that word, contemporary, you know, your act, even though your act is the, like me, the act of a soon to be 53 year old man, it's still me talking about my life, but my cadence, my delivery, like I swear to God to stand up comedy changes just like music does and shit that was cool five years ago becomes corny within five, six years becomes packy or whatever and cadences, deliveries, references, all of that shit changes. I know I've said this a zillion times, but it was always fascinating when back in the day, when I was a young comic, and I would see some comic that I was a huge fan of in the 80s, and they ended up getting a sitcom and they got sucked into that world. If they didn't continue doing sick stand up when this sitcom was over six, you know,

someone went six, seven seasons and in those, you know, five to seven years, they would come back like, yeah, you know, I'm thinking of doing some stand up before I figure out what the next thing is for me. They had all that syndication money and they would show up and oh my God, they were coming in there. It's like, it was like you were wearing clothes. Their act was like clothes that were like brutally out of style. So I kind of already felt that when I went down there just on the first night that there was, there's going to be all this opportunity for like new blood to get in there and it's going to be fucking amazing because that place is, I don't know, it's just, it's in there, it's just marinated in the walls, the magic of

the whole fucking thing is in there and I went down there. I was a little tired and the second I got in that hallway, I just fucking, oh my God, I'm back in this fucking place that I love and yeah, I went out, everybody killed, everybody was killing. Eliza was on before me, she crushed and then Eleanor Kerrigan was on after me and I had to head home, you know, had to get me and the wife some ice cream sandwiches, you know, I'm trying guys, I'm trying, trying to be a fucking goddamn good guy here, not be a self-involved shithead like I have been and but you know, in the time it took me to introduce her and just walk backstage and come walk and grab my coat and come walking out, she was fucking murdering, murdering. One of my favorite comics and she's

also just from an era, the way she grew up, I like relate to, just latchkey kid vibe and she's got this hilarious thing she told me one time how she came from this big family and one of her brothers didn't know how to fight and I was like really and she had like this like disappointment for him, she goes, yeah, I used to have to step in and finish his fights. One of my favorite things she ever said, it wasn't even on stage, I think we were in that fucking parking lot next to the magic castle. So anyway, I watched the the F1 race today, I got all excited because when Lewis Hamilton won the first one, it's just like fuck man, as any team ever gonna get a car that can compete with Mercedes and we all know Lewis is just one of the greatest of all time, but it's just

it gets fucking boring. It really gets boring, I got to admit. So I didn't get around, you know, busy, I didn't watch the second race and I saw Max Verstappen once, I was like, oh, fuck man, that's exciting. Maybe they'll go back and forth, back and forth, right? So I sit down today, not realizing the back and forth meant Lewis wins again today. And I was psyched because Lewis Hamilton was in second place. Botos got the pole. So I'm excited. It's like, okay, you know, if Lewis is going to win every fucking race, at least watch him have to pass a few guys, instead of just getting great start, getting turned one and just win the fucking race, right? So the first like 10, 15 laps were exciting because Verstappen actually passed Lewis Hamilton,

like he was standing still on the straightaway and I was like, oh my god, he finally got the fucking car and I was flipping out and then like, I don't know, like five laps go by and then Lewis Hamilton did this fucking unbelievable pass on the outside of the turn. I mean, the guy's Jordan, a driver, he's fucking unbelievable, goes around the outside and I was like, okay, all right, okay, well, maybe they'll go back and forth, they're going to go back and they were catching up to Botos and I don't know and then Botos has tires, I don't know what the fuck happened. He started dropping back and then it was just Lewis and Max Verstappen and then like 10 laps go by like that, 15 laps go by like that and I'm like, ah, fuck, here we go again. Is this race over? And then I

had to go get the Mother's Day cards and go to the grocery store and all that. I came back, I got to knock out this podcast so I didn't have the fucking time to watch the whole race and I was just like, you know what, I have a feeling. I'm going to go, I'm going to watch this race on Fast Forward. I have a feeling this is what's going to happen. Lewis is going to be in first place until he pits and then somebody, probably Max Verstappen is going to try to stay out there and then they'll be in a lead for a little bit and then the big drama of the race is going to be, can Max pit and get out before Lewis is out on the, you know, passes him and turned out it was Perez. I don't know how the hell he stayed out there for a while until the laps like 50 to 55

and then Lewis was out in front and I had like a four second lead and just, it was over. I saved myself a bunch of time. So two races to one. I'm really hoping, I thought early on they said there was something going on with Max's car. I don't know if it was the, those fucking airfoil things there on the front. I don't know the terminology, but it was still fun to watch a little bit of the race there, but I'm going to watch the MotoGP this afternoon, which I'm telling you guys, if you want to see passing and all of that shit, there's no pit stops. They say go. They fucking ride like 23 laps, full out. It is fucking incredible. I imagine the race already happened at this point, but it's actually on, what is it, channel 220 on direct TV, NBC sports or something

like that. They carry it. So I am fucking beyond excited to watch that today. See what happens. See if Marc Marquez is able to return to form or slowly come back. It's very exciting. So speaking of exciting, you know, when I was whining about the lack of color options for the Ford F 250s and I was reading all the different colors that they had and all of that shit. Well, guess what? You know, there's some chip that they need to put in the engines of those cars and they're back ordered and stuff. They're having a problem getting it. I don't know why, but Fords are actually a little bit hard to come by. So the guy I was going to go through said, if you're going to get this Ford F 250, it's going to be a 2022 model. And I said, cool,

do they have any new colors? And he goes, as a matter of fact, they do. And dude, they brought back all of these fucking incredible colors. Listen to this shit. They got, I don't add, agate black metallic and a matter of blue, which they already had. Then they have this Atlas blue metallic, which I cannot fucking wait to see on that truck because the velocity blue was too blue. I like the anti matter blue, but I didn't quite love it. The Atlas blue metallic seems like a nice middle ground. Then they got carbonized gray, which they had. Then they have a green, a fucking green. I love green. Then they have green gem iconic silver. They had that they brought back the orange, the fucking orange. I loved it. They got Oxford white, race red that

they had before. Then check this out. They got school bus yellow, which I know a lot of you guys are like, what the fuck? Go look up like a Ford F 250 from the seventies, right? That yellow and white, the yellow would be on top and the white was on the bottom. And then they had like this really cool interior. Stone gray metallic. Then they have a vermillion red, which I think if you have like the black blackout package with that would be sick. And then they got like, and then they have another yellow. And I went from like, I'm not loving these colors to I don't know which one I want to get out of what everything I just mentioned there. The blue metallic, the green, I got to see green gem. One of the greens. Or do you just do that fucking orange? Oh,

Billy Redface coming down the street to fucking orange with the blackout. Oh my God, the competition, orange like Mark Wahlberg's Corvette and fucking boogie nights. That masterpiece of a film. I need to watch that again. I got to watch that again. There's just so many incredible performances. And I want to say that that's the one that made, I think that's the one that made Mark a movie star. I believe, which is also incredible because he came up in music and back then, you know, now it seems people can do that because it's because of guys like that. Because back then people like, no, no, no, you do this. And this is what you are. And he was like, no, no, fuck you. I'm also doing this. And then he crushed it in that movie.

And then, you know, the rest is history. So I got to watch that. I have been going back watching and all these these movies from the past and one I watched last night. I've been doing this Mickey Roark, you know, 1980s films. So, you know, I watched Rumblefish a couple months back. I watched the Pope of Greenwich Village when I was out in Oklahoma. And then last night with my wife, I go, hey, let's, I go, she goes, what are you doing up here? I said, I'm going to watch Angel Heart, Angel Heart. And she goes, ugh, you're watching that movie? Why? I go, I didn't think it was that bad of a movie. She goes, oh, I fucking hated that movie. I thought it's stunk. I just remember I saw it. I thought it's stunk, right? I was like, wow, okay, all right, sorry. And this

is classic, like white people watching something and black people watching something and I'm going to complete, I should have her on the podcast, but having a completely different like outcome. So, I watched the movie and I'm watching it and I'm really liking it. I'm like, and she's watching it going, this isn't as bad as I, I forget why I didn't like this movie, right? I'm watching it, watching it. She's going, wow, they kind of have like a diverse cast here, you know, they're up in Harlem, you know, there's a lot of black people in this, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then they get to the point where he goes to New Orleans and what's her face there from, from, gee, why do I suck with the name? Lisa Bonnet from the, from the Cosby show at that

point. Absolutely stunning, amazing actress and all that. She's in it, right? And she's down there in New Orleans and there is this scene where she's doing this voodoo shit and she's like fucking her titties around, she's covered in blood, dance around with the chicken, humping on somebody and it's just like, what in the fuck is this? And she goes, oh yeah, that's why. Like what is this, Bill? And I was like, oh yeah, I kind of, this did not register with me the first time. And then I remember, this is so crazy how I, I actually was able to understand my wife was because of the great drummer John Theodore, who was talking about drumming and was talking about voodoo rhythms and was talking about how that whole religion was misrepresented in a racist way by white people.

And I was like, oh fuck. And I remember thinking, I need to read up on that. I never did. And then I saw this movie, saw my wife's reaction to it. And then I looked it up and all of this shit. And to this day, how people still think it's like fucking this, you know, this crazy, evil fucking thing. Evidently, it was just an amalgam of all, of a bunch of religions from Africa mixed in with Catholicism that was sort of forced on them by slave owners. And during US reconstruction, oh Jesus, I'm getting in over my head, which was basically after the end of the civil war, I got it right here in front of me. I'm not trying to be a scholar here, 1865, 1877, during which, during which time attempts were made to redress the inequities of slavery and its

political, social and economic legacy and to solve the problems arising from the readmission of the union, also to get the states back together. So during that time, you know, racist white people were freaking out about freed black people and then the power that they were going to have because of their numbers with voting and all of this shit. So that was during the time where they used this religion as a way to demonize them further. Sorry, here we go. I'll read this real quick. There's nothing like a horror story to concentrate and focus our deepest fears. As African-American study scholar Michelle Y. Gordon writes, that's just what white newspapers in Louisiana did

during reconstruction, turning white supremacists worries about black freedom into unsettling tales of voodoo. Gordon notes that New Orleans did have real practitioners of voodoo, a synthesis of African religions and Roman Catholicism closely linked to Haitian voodoo. Though the 19th century, through the 19th century, black women often led its worship and magical practices, but the supposed eyewitness and secondhand accounts of voodoo ceremonies in white papers had little to do with that belief system. Newspapers promised stories of voodoo on the rampage in full particulars of the hellbroth and orgies. In 1870, a count in the New Orleans Daily, something or other described a female voodoo leader demanding that her followers

sacrifice animals, destroy crops, participate in sexual orgies, and ultimately participate in a lord supper consisting of her own infant. So that's where that shit went off the rails. Now I'm not saying if you delved into voodoo, I'm sure they got some weird shit, but so does everybody. Catholicism. This is my body. This is my blood. Now come on up and fucking eat it and drink it. I mean, it's fucking weird. Religion is fucking weird. And so what they depict, if you watch that movie, dude, like, you know, it's De Niro, it's fucking Mickey Rook and all that shit. But to see that thing, and then I really understood, it became another embarrassing moment as I'm fucking watching this going like, Oh yeah, I guess if I if that information was given to me, I would have

found this movie not as good as I thought it was. But I mean, listen, I'm not coming down on people because everybody, look, I'm not going to be all these people that goes back and watches a movie from 35 years ago, be like, Oh my God, how come it's not in 2021 wokeness? I just thought it was really interesting that my wife saw it when it came out was like, fuck this movie. It's fucking stupid. She was a kid when she saw it because she was informed and all of that shit. And I was like, that was a good movie, De Niro playing Satan. Which that aspect of the movie, it was fucking Mickey Rook was incredible. The story was great. What Mickey Rook's character was going through. But the whole Lisa Bonet story was kind of like, wow, like what? Yeah, it was, it was,

yeah, got a little uncomfortable there. But anyway, so next thing I'm going to watch is Jesus, I'm going to watch the one, what was it? Mickey Rook made a movie called China Town. I'm not coming down on Mickey Rook either. Mickey Rook is the shit. And it's just like, this is just like, I guess it's a good thing that you go back 35 years ago and you watch something. And you're like, Oh, this things have moved forward. Like it should be. Okay, I'm not trying to be one of these cancel culture douchebags here. Now I'm feeling bad that I settle that shit, because I know somebody's probably gonna fucking take what I just take a clip of that and then just do their whole stupid fucking thing, you know, acting like they care about other people.

And it's just really just another white person trying to show how amazing they are as they pat themselves on the back pretending to care about others. Okay, there I said it. All right. But what I was trying to get to was the comedy of me watching that with my wife. She's fucking dancing with that bloody chicken with the fucking titties out. I was just going like, Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. I just was, you know, with DeNiro, with the fucking long nails and fucking Louis Cipher, all of that shit. And you know, it was kind of like my, I see dead people, the ending, you know what I mean? That was whatever that movie was called. Was it called I see dead people at this point? I don't know. I mean, can you,

I don't even bring up other movies that you bring up that people thought they were quaint. And now you kind of watch them. Now it's like, does this guy kind of making fun of special needs here? All right. Anyway, but I will tell you this though, I think the worst time to be an actress, all right, an up and coming actress was probably the seventies and eighties. Because once nudity became acceptable, the ridiculous level that you could be as an actress and you still, I guess, were required to show your titties was fucking ridiculous. You know, I mean, I watched, I'm not going to name these fucking movies. I don't want to get people in trouble here, but I watched this fucking movie and one of the actresses job, her job was basically to be walking around half naked

and stretching. And I, I saw that you didn't even question it. Like that's, that's, and I get, you know, it's funny because I'm such a fucking sexist meathead actually going back and watching these movies is helping me with a lot of this shit that these hairy leg chicks are talking about now. And now I'm kind of like, Oh, you know, I think I finally, I think I'm starting to get this. It's not like I don't get it, but you know, I just like being a dick. I think that that's what it is. I really start, I think I like being a dick because people who should have been nice to me were a dick to me. So then I've, I've developed, you know, I've developed that pattern. No, are you looking for understanding and empathy? Well, I'm going to be a fucking asshole.

Jesus Christ, you know, this fucking pandemic better end scene, better end scene, better end soon, because if I find one more ugly layer to my personality, I don't know what I'm going to do here. All right. Jesus Christ, let's get to the advertising, everybody. If I didn't just shut off the recorder. All right, where are we here? Hey, where are we? Where are we? All right, here we go. All right, policy genius, everybody. You know, summer, did I turn this down accidentally? No, tell me I didn't do that. Did I? No, the volume is where it needs to be. All right. Summers quickly approaching pocket. Let me start over again. Policy genius. Summers approaching quickly is quickly approaching. Enjoy it without a looming to do list. Policy genius

makes it easy to get life insurance done and done right. Feeling productive after submitting your taxes, ride that wave and get insurance, get life insurance done too. With policy genius, it's quick and easy. If you have anyone relying on your income, you need life insurance. Yeah, you should also be cooking your own food. Gotta be careful, people. Why policy genius? Policy genius makes it easy to compare quotes from over a dozen top insurers all in one place. Why compare? Well, you can say 50% or more on life insurance by comparing quotes with policy genius. You could say $1300 or more on life insurance by using policy genius to compare policy. The licensed experts at policy genius work for you, not the insurance companies. You can trust

them to help you navigate every step of the shopping and buying process. That kind of service has earned policy genius a five-star rating across thousands of reviews on TrustPilot and Google. Getting started is easy. First, head to policygenius.com. In minutes, you can work out how much life insurance coverage you need and compare personalized quotes to find your best price. When you're ready to apply, the policy genius team will handle the paperwork and scheduling for free. Policy genius never sells your information to other companies. Policy genius doesn't add on extra fees. Head to policygenius.com. Get started right now. Policy genius, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right. Oh, look who's here, everybody. It's Simply Safe.

Simply Safe is an award-winning home security system. So you know, it's engineered with the latest technology you want to keep your family safe. But what really sets Simply Safe apart is its people. Highly trained security experts who are always there for you when you need them most. These are people who truly care about keeping you safe. When an alarm goes off, a person who cares is there for you and a phone call to make sure you're okay. When an emergency happens, a person who cares is there for you by is a person who's strapped. I don't need somebody going, oh, I want to fucking John Wayne coming through the door. A person who cares is there for you by getting fire and police responders to your front door right away. There we go. Here come the heroes.

Even if you're just having a problem setting up your system, a person who cares is there for you with a friendly chat and a quick resolution. The bottom line is when you need them most, Simply Safe is there 24-7, with people who care and experts trained to not only keep you safe, but to make you feel safe. It's one of the many reasons US News recently called Simply Safe the best home security of 2021. To learn more about how Simply Safe can protect you and your family, visit simplysafe.com slash bird today to customize your system and get a free security camera. It's so fucking easy. You get it. You can set it up within 30 minutes. If I can figure out how to do it, so can you. You also get a 60-day risk-free trial so there's nothing to lose that simplysafe.com

slash bird to customize your Simply Safe system and get a free security camera. All right. Oh, look who it is. Stamps.com, everybody. Last one here, everybody. Stamps.com. Are you still going to the post office, still paying full price for postage? Well, thanks to Stamps.com. You don't have to anymore. Mail and ship anytime, anywhere, right from your computer. Send letters, ship packages and pay less, a lot less with discounted rates from US Postal Service and UPS and more. You've heard me talk about Stamps.com. They've been sponsoring the show for over nine years now. Thank you so much to them. And if you haven't tried it, what are you waiting for? Stamps.com brings the services of the US Postal Service and UPS right

to your computer. It's a must have for any business. I ship out all my merch. I don't do a lot of merch, but I'm going to be selling my vinyl album on my upcoming tour and I will be using Stamps.com. It's so simple, so easy. Whether you're a small office, sending invoices, a side hustle, Etsy shop, shipping out orders, or just navigating this hybrid work life, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. No wonder over one million businesses choose Stamps.com for their mailing and shipping. Simply use your computer to print official US Postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. Once your mail is ready, just schedule a pickup or drop it off. It's that simple. With Stamps.com, you get a discount of up to 40% off post office

rates and up to 66% off US UPS shipping rates. Not to mention, Stamps.com is a fraction of the cost of those expensive postage meters. Stamps.com is a no-brainer saving you time and money. It's no wonder nearly one million small businesses already use Stamps.com. Stop wasting time going to the post office and go to Stamps.com instead. There's no risk. And with the promo code BRRR, you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in BRRRR, that's Stamps.com, promo code BRRRR, Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. All right. You know what I realize the secret of reading out loud is,

is to slow the fuck down. Fuck it, don't we start going through goddamn fast? Slow it down, Bill. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know something? I fucking can't stand people. You know, I'm all excited. I'm all excited about getting a Ford F-250, right? So what does some asshole do? He goes out and this is what he says, Ford's super death wobble. Hey, Billy Tonkatitz, you should be aware of this Ford death wobble and get a cyber truck instead of that dumb donkey cart. This fucking cunt goes out and just fucking Googles people dying in Ford's. Like you can't do that in every other fucking truck. Jesus Christ. Remember that fucking, that guy with the T-shirt company, that actor died in a Ferrari? Do people tell me not to fucking, you know, go on set and drive a Ferrari? Shit happens.

All right, let's see here. Open the link. Here we go. This guy just killing my dream. Bill's excited about it. The truck in the foreground was trailed to a work site today for a photo shoot. The F-150 truck in the background was driven to a site to help build translation. Ford executives are scared shitless about having real competition for the first time since the chicken tax. I don't know what this means. Okay, the truck in the background driving to the job site. What am I looking at? Something went wrong with this? No, did Ford shut it down? Meanwhile, the bad news continues for Tesla compared to the competition falling behind. Here's a bad one about Tesla. Dude, go fuck yourself. All right, this is the truck I want. I know inherently everything is

dangerous. Okay, I accept the risk. Oh God. You know something? That's actually, I'm glad you wrote that in. That is a great, that is a great life lesson that when you say out loud that you want to do something and you're excited about it, people immediately try to bring you negative information so you don't go out and do it and be happy. Now, they'll paint themselves as heroes like, hey, I was just looking out for you. The fuck out of here. You know, did you look at it? Look up anything else? Yeah, Fords have had problems. Every fucking car is out. Every car, every car company has had recalls, all right? As long as the gas tank isn't like the way it was on the fucking pinto or the crown Vic, I'm good. I'm good. I drive like a fucking old man. There's

going to be no death wobble as I go down the street with a fucking dopamine grin on my face when I get that fucking truck and the color that I want. Sir, can I, can I just, can I have this? Can you just let me have this? All right, Gen Z'er. Oh, Generation Z. Let's look this up. Let's see where the Generation Z people fit in. Nice to hear from a Gen Z person. Gen Z years. Okay. I like this understanding Gen Z people. How the fuck are you going to do that? All right. They are currently between age six and 24 years old, nearly 68 million in the US. Okay. Well, welcome. I'm a Gen Z'er, and I want to bring a little firsthand experience to the podcast. You've said that the generation after the millennials is much cooler, and I'm sorry to tell you we are not. Oh,

no. The same division and extreme opinions on everything is plaguing my generation. Don't you think a lot of it though is the fucking internet and a lot of it is the 24-hour news networks considering, you know, COVID affected everybody, and we just could not get on the same page. And I'm not even talking about the left and the right. There was subsets within the left, subsets within the right, subsets within the subsets. It was just crazy. Anyways, he said a friend of mine got kicked out of public high school for calling his locker retarded. A girl nearby heard him and said he called her a retard and made some inflammatory hand signals. For some context, he is the only broken locker in the hallway, and the lock doesn't work so his

books have been stolen because of it. Well, yeah, that's terrible. But I mean, didn't you guys learn all of this from older generations? I just hate how everybody's ratting everybody out now and acting like it's, I guess it's like they're feeling of power. I mean, I can tell if, wait, look, if this shit went down the way this went down, like, you know, she shouldn't have done that, but she's also, you know, in high school, her brain's still developing. She's on social media and all this shit. I just don't think it's good. I have empathy for you guys. We're not allowed to listen to music on school grounds because one student complained that the only music they hear on campus promotes American exceptionalism. Oh, brother, what? They couldn't say rap music

or trap music because it would point out that predominantly black music was the problem, so they did it under the guise of American exceptionalism. Jesus, these racists are getting fucking educated. That sounds like a lawyer. American exceptionalism. Don't we kind of have to have that the way everybody's been shitting on us around the world? I mean, we got to do something that everybody just thinks we're fat and dumb working around the gun riding a four wheeler with a dick out. Not to say you ain't allowed to do that. We're not allowed to use any hand gestures during sports. Thumbs up, thumbs down, doesn't matter. All are considered too dangerously close to white supremacist symbols. Well, that's not your generation. That's just

corporate lawyers trying to, you know, a lot of it becomes corporate lawyers trying to head off everything at the pass. And, you know, it's all money driven. That's the funny thing about all this shit. Most of these, all of these decisions, like them kicking that kid out of school with the locker comment, it has nothing to do with that girl's feelings. It has to do with they have to do the right things so they don't get sued. Anyways, she's this person says he or she says, I as an Asian American was told that I was not allowed to answer more than one question in class per day because I was making other honor students feel uncomfortable with my aggressive level of competitiveness. Wow. The teacher has enforced this with me,

but has allowed the honor student and others to answer multiple questions. Oh, because you're Asian and they just think you're going to be smarter than everybody. That's so fucking weird. Note, I never raised my hand more than once or twice a class and usually it was because no one else would. I wish you were right, but my experience tells a different story. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, first of all, the only thing that made me happy in all of that, all of those examples that you actually said go fuck yourself. So they haven't killed you off spiritually. Listen, you're in controlled environments, but I don't think that that, you know, needs to affect your everyday life or whatever. When you guys go to hang out or whatever,

I would try to just open dialogues. Then what other kids tell on you? Oh my God, it's just become this whole fucking red scare everywhere you go. It's just people telling on other people. I can tell you this. How I've reacted to all of this shit is I just continued to, you know, I'm not like I don't try to improve as a person. I am trying, but like, you know, I know the intent of what it is that I'm saying. I'm not being malicious. I'm not saying I can't make a mistake and I can't fucking cross the line here or there. But if I do, you know, I'll own up to it. I apologize. But like this whole fucking thing you crossed the line and now you should be just eliminated is that is the perverted sort of like hardcore white chick

fucking thing where they're not really going down for this cause as much as they are is trying to remove white guys that are in the way so that they can then be the toxic person running shit. Which is my prediction to what's going to happen is that they're going to remove all of these people and it's going to be like, we're going to have diversity, you know what that means. It means it's going to be a bunch of white chicks getting all the good shit first and then what's ever left over. They're going to get the people of color and then it's going to take a long while before it slowly turns before you're able to really constructively go. Aren't they doing what white males did, but they just have a

vaginas so nobody could say anything? I think there'll be a little bit of that. That's my prediction. What do I know? All right, boyfriend doesn't want to get married. He doesn't want to get married. Hey, Billford, I love the podcast. Thanks for being yourself. I was hoping to get some dating advice. All right, well, I'm a fucked up dude, so take everything I say with the grain of salt. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and living together for a year and a half. I'm 31 and he's 38. We both have educations and good jobs. He doesn't want to get married. He's 38. Yeah, you got to kick him to the curb. He ain't going to get there. He's a great guy. He's not going to get there in a time where you still have like, if you want to have kids,

I would guess. That's my first, that's the first thought I had. He's a great guy. He's very sweet, respectful and makes me laugh. His family is lovely as well. He's a musician and loves music as much as I do. I love our life together as it is, but it's our future I'm worried about. I want to get married and have a kid or two. He's indecisive about it. He's an indecisive person in general. I've dropped some heavy hints and frequently talk about a hypothetical future when we have kids and we're married, but he's just not into it. Yeah, he's not into it or he's afraid of it the way I was, but I can tell you, it's added to my stand-up and all the creative things that I do having kids, so maybe you can tell him that because I know with a lot of people in this

business trying to make it, you try to travel light because you feel like, I got to get to this certain place and then I can actually have a life and you think you'll get into that place is actually going to bring you happiness when what really could bring you happiness is just finding love and having a couple of kids and then trying to make sure that they have the best possible childhood will fill you up so much more than all of that other dumb shit which took me half a century to figure out. Anyway, I've tried to be being extra sweet, cooking all his favorite meals every night, making sure the house is always clean and bathing him when he gets sick. I'm even supported of his dream of quitting his good job to be a writer and a musician. However, all my

efforts don't seem to be working because he still isn't willing to compromise on the marriage and kids thing. It makes me really sad, especially the kid part. It worries me because, well, biology. I'm already 31 and I can't be waiting forever. My family and friends say I should give him an ultimatum, but I don't want to because, one, what if he calls my bluff? I love him and I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. Two, I have pride, self-esteem and self-worth, even though I'm not exactly God's gift to mankind. What are you talking about? You're a great person. I'm not a piece of shit either and shouldn't have to threaten a man to marry me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I being nutty or do I need to move on? Fuck you and thanks.

I don't think you're nutty at all. I think you don't have to put pressure on. Just say what you just said to me. Just say you being unwilling to compromise about getting married and having kids makes me really sad, especially the kid part. I don't have all the time. This is what I want and I want to do it with you. I don't want to give you an ultimatum. I just want you to be honest with me. Then tell him, listen, this is what I want to do this by, which also gives him another way to fucking string you along. I would just say, listen, it's going to break my heart to leave you, but I am not going to be childless. That's not what I want. That's not going to make me happy. I want to get married and start a family with you. Do you want to do that with me?

I have to be honest with you. His answer, if it's yes, would be right then and there. He's like, I would leave and go through the fucking heartbreak of that shit rather than live a whole life of wondering what could have been. That's my advice to you. Never feel bad for expressing your feelings. You don't have to give ultimatums to people. You just tell them how you're feeling, how what they're doing is making you feel. They're either receptive to it or they're not. If they're not receptive to it, you got to get to someone who's going to be receptive or that's going to be your day-to-day existence, which is going to drive you into depression. If they want what you want,

the cart moves forward. If it doesn't, hey, no hard feelings. This kills me to do this, but I want what I want. What you want is just as important as what he wants. That's the deal. You get with somebody. You got to want basically the same shit or it's not going to work. Sorry you're going through that. Good luck to you. Groomsman, become a groom's woman. Groomsman became a groom's woman. Hey, Billery Swank, I'm getting married this summer to my beautiful girlfriend of eight years. We're having a family small wedding, so I was planning on inviting my three best friends from high school to be my groomsman. One of my friends, Anna, came out as trans over a year ago, and we all support and respect her decisions. I invited her in January to be one of my groom's

people along with my other two guy friends. All right, so what's the problem? However, just this past week, one of my guy's friends also came out as trans. What the fuck? It plans to be transitioning from male to female. Now my groomsman went from being one woman and two guys to two women and just one guy. I was already stepping out of my comfort zone by inviting Anna to be a groom's person, and now I feel like I can't uninvite the other guy because I already told Anna she could join. Yeah, and this is nothing too. This is something that you would really get trashed for for being like transphobic and all that. You're just being honest. Okay, these are two people that you knew as guys who are no longer guys, and now you have to emotionally deal with it. There's nothing

wrong with that. You're not saying what they're doing is wrong. You're just saying it makes you uncomfortable. For some reason, you can't say that now, or you can say it and everybody gets all, you're fucking homophobic. Anyway, it's less about or transphobic. It's less about them being trans and more about just me not wanting to be surrounded by women during the ceremony. I'm a pretty traditional guy, despite my friends, and I've always imagined the classic group of groomsmen at my side for my wedding. Also not to mention, Tim just recently started transitioning into 6'3". It might look a little out of place in a dress. All right, you're walking a line here. Just invite, just, you know, expand your draft picks. Pay for a couple more meals, get some more

fucking swinging dicks in there. You got some dresses. I think you got a nice salad going on there. I love my friends, but I just don't want to be the focus to be about them on our wedding. I asked the person if they'd feel comfortable in a suit for the ceremony and they said probably, but may change their mind closer to the wedding. Is it wrong for me to put my foot down and just say they need to wear a suit or step out of the groomsmen party? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and also go fuck yourself. Well, you know, this is one of these things where a wedding is her day and what you're doing right now is really bride behavior. Like you're picking the colors you want to know how they dress and I don't know if we're really going to be progressive.

If the woman can do that, can't the guy do that? This is what I say you do. I say that, you know, you have the wedding that you want to have because it is your wedding and the way you want to have it is the way that you want to have it. And you know, you don't seem like you have a problem with what these guys are doing and now that are now women, the days, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say. So I would just try to have the wedding that you want to say. Everybody's still fucking invited. Not the way you want to say the wedding that you want to have and then just just take it from there. I mean, personally, I'm trying to think I don't know. I don't know that I haven't been through what you've been

through. Like if I had like two of my close friends that I was growing up with all of a sudden, we're transitioning. I mean, that's that's a fucking major thing. I would think emotionally to deal with because it's like the other person doesn't exist anymore. You know, so you've got to kind of take time to process that, which is something I think is missing in all of that because I really think, you know, you should support somebody if that's what they want to do and still be friends with them and all that type of shit. And then I think conversely, they should give you a second, you know, to be like, okay, let me let me get my head around this thing, you know. So yeah, I but I think in the end, dude, this is this is your wedding.

This is your wedding and you should have your wedding though, the way you want it to be in the way that you want it to look and everything. And I think if you're still going to be friends with them and all of that shit, and you're not being going, oh my god, that's against God and all that dumb shit. I think this is a small ass to be like, you just wear a suit. I don't think that's a big fucking deal. I really don't. Well, maybe you slide them over to the other side, they become bridesmaids. And you know, with any luck to the chicks transition over to your side, you know what I mean? It's like a fucking NFL trade. Two for two. All right, girlfriend wants me to move out.

Dear Billy long nuts. Is that an age joke? If that's an age joke, that's fucking hilarious. I'm a 21 year old college student. That Billy long nuts is fucking if that's because you're old and your balls are hanging down low, that is fucking hilarious. Is that my native American name? Him Billy long nuts. All right, I'm a 21 year old college student and my girlfriend and I have been arguing a lot because she wants me to move out of my parents house into a house share so that we can be closer. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm a 21 year old college student and my girlfriend and I have been arguing a lot because she wants me to move

out of my parents house. Oh, I think she meant she wanted you her to move out. You guys will live in again and she wanted you to move out. I was like, all right, you're 21. It's one of the greatest news you could ever get. All right, she wants me to move out of my parents house into a house share so that we can be closer. We currently live 40 minutes from each other. She makes ominous statements about the practical practicality of our relationship. And if I don't move and catch and catches an attitude because of it every time we meet up or talk on the phone, it's getting exhausting and I feel a lot of pressure from her constantly bringing it up. All right, and how does that make you feel?

Do you like feeling pressured? Do you like somebody giving you an attitude because you're doing what it is that you want to do rather than what she wants you to do? Buddy, this is the tip of the iceberg and this is this thing that manipulative people do is she's going to make it seem like that when you move in with her that this pressure and all of this shit is going to end and you're going to be happy. You'll be happy for a week, 10 days and then she's going to start with this shit again. You are laying the groundwork for this relationship where she's going to get to use her emotions as like this manipulative tool to get you to fucking sit up, beg, go for a walk, take out the trash and do all of this shit. I can tell you right now, dude, I don't even need to

read the rest of it. Don't even fucking move. Anyway, she's moving out of home to live in her grandmother. Dude, did you voice Texas? I'm going to read just how you wrote it. She is moving out of her home to live in her grandmother who passed away's house in the city so she won't be paying rent. Okay, so her grandmother died and she wants you to move in there because it's her family home, she doesn't want me to stay over or for us to have sex there. Sir, did you really need my advice here? I respect this boundary. This however sucks as it means that the decision for us to have sex life and private time together rests in my hands. Yeah, dude, she's fucking, she's boxing you in. I really want to move out but it would cost me about $600 a month plus bills and food

and I'm not sure I can afford it. I have explained this to her but she says that her paying bills in her grandmother's house makes us even. I'll be honest with you, I fucking hate this chick. I'm just being honest. I also have an unplayed work placement abroad next year which I need to say for that will cost me $3,000 to $4,000. There you go, buddy. That's the carrot on the stick you need to be chasing. My parents do not and will not financially support me. I really love this girl and despite the obstacles of not having privacy and the distance between us, our relationship has been great up until this point. I'm starting to wonder if it'll work out. What do you think I should do? I think you should stay at home

and save up that three to four grand and she should understand that. I think you should tell her how her pressuring you makes you feel and if she doesn't acknowledge this and doesn't care about your feelings and it's all about her, it's the tip of the fucking iceberg and consider yourself lucky that you're not living with her when you break up with her. That's it. If I learned anything in the last few months of therapy, it's just like, you know, I've not acknowledged my feelings and my feelings were not acknowledged my entire time growing up which is why I'm an angry person because when I start to feel feelings that I don't like in my head, I just have to go to anger because I never thought I could just be like, Hey man, I really don't like that because I grew up

in the sit out and shut the fuck up generation. So none of this makes you feel good. So you need to tell that to her and there's no fucking way you move in with this chick ever under these circumstances where she is basically using her emotions to get you to do what she wants to do and then having a fucking attitude. I mean, do you realize like seriously, if I can just take a second here, like that childish behavior that so many women get away with with the guys in their relationship that you basically have to dance to their fucking tune or they won't be happy because then what ends up happening is your happiness has to exist within the circle of their happiness. And at that point, you're no longer an individual. You've lost yourself in the relationship. You've

become like, like this emotional fucking hostage. And it's fucking bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. All right, so I'm sorry. Fucking got gas here. I think I wolfed down this fucking piece of toast before this. I apologize. Belching up a storm here. Yeah. So fuck that. And any person male or female listening to this, don't ever move in with somebody if that is the way it's going down. Don't ever get involved in a business or a personal intimate relationship where the other person is using their fucking moods as a way to get you to do something that you do not want to do, but they wear you out because you just want to seem happy. Hey, fuck their happiness. Their happiness is not your responsibility. Your happiness is your responsibility. And you don't fucking move in with

somebody until their happiness and your happiness intersect. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.