Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-30-16

Episode Date: May 30, 2016

Bill rambles about Lilly's Eggs, boxing and porno.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, 30th, 2016. How are you? How's it going? Oh, look at you. What do you do it for Memorial Day? Did you fill up the above ground pool? Oh, God bless you. God bless you. I'll be over with a couple of millers. You know what I've been drinking lately? Stacey. Stacey. Stacey, yeah, over here. You know what I've been drinking lately? I don't know why I started drinking the Coors Light again. You remember them silver bullets fucking prom night? How many did you get in your clam? Oh, Jesus Christ. Happy Memorial Day, everybody. Thank you to everybody in the military for doing what it is that you do so that morons like me can run their fucking yaps and not have

a black van pull up and take me away to get reeducated. That's it. Happy day off on a Monday. They should have one of these a fucking month. You know, they should have one three-day weekend a month. If Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders would get on board with that, the two candidates that the people want, the people want to vote for either one of them too, and they're going to ram all Hillary right down your fucking old cuckoo clock face herself right down your fucking throats. That's what they're going to do. I watched this clip on Facebook so you know it had to be true where Chris Matthews, right, was basically just mind fucking everybody saying that Hillary was going to win it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, just saying when she wins it

and all that type of shit. She wasn't doing like a, he wasn't doing like a dude I called a type of thing. He's just doing that like the rich, the rich liberals, you know, those ones, you know, the ones who act like they care about anybody else. They actually, they're worse than rich Republicans because Republicans don't act like they give a fuck about other people, but rich liberals, oh, they're the fucking worst. Bleeding heart, you know, caring about everybody in their fucking gated communities. Oh, Jesus, Bill, the fuck did you have for breakfast? What did I have for breakfast? I had two eggs over easy, two eggs over easy. And I always buy these eggs from this fucking Lily's farm because it sounds like it's some chick down the street who

just has a hen house and she's making them from my neighborhood. But God knows, you know, it's some giant corporation. And I don't know what the fuck they're doing with these eggs. They have the thinnest slash hardest eggshells ever. So if you tap real lightly in the bottom of the fucking pad, they will not break. And if you get in this, this, this one fucking sweet spot that you hit the you hit the fucking eggshell that will actually crack and it won't break the yolk. All right, I don't know if you guys know about this, know this about me, but I do not break egg yolks. Okay. And I'm also superstitious when it comes to breaking egg yolks. I feel like if you break the fucking yolk, that means your day is going to be a shit show. Right. It's a metaphor.

You had a plan and the whole thing went to shit. And then you got to scramble it up. Right. That's how I look at it. So not only did I break, I broke one. The other one was okay. But then I was just so fucking frustrated because you want them running because then you still have the nutrition in there. Right. All these people that have it over hard, yeah, over hard, like your fucking arteries. Right. So I go to flip the thing and I'm so fucking frustrated that it's going to turn into basically a fried egg sandwich. I got mad and I go to flip the other one. I broke that one too. And I just was in my kitchen by myself going, yeah, there you go. Fuck the whole thing. Right. Yeah. Fuck the whole thing. Then Neenie downstairs. Are you all right? Yeah, fine. What are you doing?

Ah, just making some eggs, honey. Doesn't sound like it. Oh, God. Here comes the interrogation. Right. Here comes the fucking interrogation. Like Norbert Leo butts his wife on bloodline. Oh my God. That character is driving me up the fucking wall. Not saying the actress. She's phenomenal. But that whole dynamic, it's like, can you just shut up? Can you leave the man alone? Is anybody watching bloodline? I'm not going to ruin any of this shit, but you got to fucking watch it. You got to watch it. I'm like, I'm already five episodes into season two. It just came out. You know, I had a nice three day weekend. So Billy fucking red cakes here. I I've been fucking

Netflix the whole weekend. I started off the weekend. I watched the do over Adam Sandler's new movie with David Spade. It was fucking great. I always love Sandler's fucking movies. And I love Spade's character. It's hard to talk about a movie without saying what the fuck happens. Just watch it. And also just being a fan of people out here in Hollywood that that do their own goddamn thing. I guess Sandler's movies crush it on Netflix. So he's like, well, why fucking take it to the movie theater? I'll just take it right to you. So we cut a deal with them like his next, I don't know, four to six movies. And they went right right to that. So I believe this is the first one. And I fucking loved it, man. I loved it. I got I can't say what happens,

but there was this one thing that Sandler did. And I was like, that's probably going to be the most disgusting thing I'm going to see for the first half of the year. And then something else happens that involves a fucking old lady. So there you go. I just primed the pump. Check it out if you get a chance. And I've been watching Bloodline. And then somebody else recommended I am road comic and it was about just these comics Wayne Federman and these guys doing this road gig and enjoyed all of that, enjoyed all of that. And but I mentioned earlier that check those out if you can check them out if you can. Anyways, so I mentioned earlier that I am in a much more upbeat mood than I have been in a while. You know, and I know what you think of Bill. Oh,

what would you would you get another bottle of booze? No, not at all. Not at all. I finally went to a chiropractor. All right. I went to a chiropractor. And I never I never go to the doctor. All right, because that's how I was brought up. Christ, I'm telling you, Billy Christ, you're going to get down there and they're going to find something and they're going to charge you up the fucking Wazoo. Take a goddamn aspirin. All right, you hang from a pull up bar. You'll be fine. All right. I came from a family in a town where you didn't go to the fucking doctor. If you went to the fucking, you don't go to the doctor. You don't take your car to a mechanic because they're going to fucking find something. So I finally go to the chiropractor because at

this point, I told you, I'm literally in the writer's room. I have cushions from this couch on the floor and I lay on the floor and I call it floor pitching. I just pitch jokes laying on the floor. And then when it gets to some critical part of the story, I then stand up to see what's going on. And then I lay back down again. Then I just lay on the ground. What if Frank said, you know, I'll put you through the fucking wall. Right? That's what I do. So I finally couldn't take it anymore. And a buddy of mine who works on the show said, I got a great chiropractor and I finally was just like, you know what? You got to let that fucking suburban Boston shit go. Okay. There's no way if they always fucked up, everybody would still be going to him. So I end up going

down there and this guy was a fucking wizard. Unbelievable, right? He literally like put his hand right in my lower back and was just pushing on my spine, like on one side of it. It was going, ah, it seems like you have a, an older injury here from a long time ago. I was like, yeah, how the fuck did you know that? He goes, no, I could tell because this is bulge. I had a bulging disc and he goes, I go, yeah, fucking one of my, when I was in fourth grade, you know, I was into wrestling and the buddy of mine knew how to do the figure four leg lock. And unfortunately, the only way to teach someone how to do it is to put a minute and he put me in the fucking thing. And when I sat up to try to free my leg, I, it was the first time I felt something go out in

my back. And then the next time was playing football freshman year or high school pickup football. I didn't play organized. I didn't play organized because I got a D in math in fifth grade and that was, that was, that was my retirement. Like when Jordan retired in 2003, except I won one championship and I never returned. But anyways, he was able to fix all of that shit. I immediately felt better the next day I was sore. And then over the weekend, like, like last night for the first time in like two months, I was able to sit down for a significant period of time and have no pain whatsoever. And I just been doing all these stretches. And the biggest one is I've been doing that, you know, the up dog yoga stretch

for your, was your psoas muscle in the front. I just thought it connected your top to your bottom just where your hips were and it ran perpendicular to your waist. I didn't realize that it came up and then kind of made like an S turn right to like the middle of your body. He was explaining to me, I forget what it is, but like, I've been stretching that thing and doing my Vietnamese gambler squat and a couple of runners stretch. And I think by this time next week, I should be, I should be right as rain. And dude, he fucking cracked my back. I didn't know he was going to do it. I was laying on my back and he goes, all right, bring your knees up, bring them over to the side, just let it relax, relax, let me have all the weight and fucking right there, Fred.

And I just started fucking laughing like, dude, what the fuck? Because I always thought it was like they were cracking your bones. I guess there's gas that they're releasing in there. I have no fucking idea. But anyways, I don't know. That's something I always have to remember that just because something's a racket doesn't mean that there's not somebody that's really good at it. You know what I mean? Like think of the reputation that comedians have. We don't have a good reputation. We're on offstage, we're attention whores, we got the fucking lampshades on our head and we tell fucking awful jokes. Yet, despite that, there's still your fucking, you know, David Tells, Chappelle's, Louis CK's and all of those fucking guys. So that's how I guess what you

got to do. You got to find the Louis CK of chiropractors before you fucking go in. And I think I did. So I don't know. I don't even know how to get out of this. This is just something good happened to me. And I told you the story and nothing bad happened. So I don't have any jokes about it. Other than I couldn't find the fucking place. You know, I was driving over with my phone, right? It's directing me over there. And then in the last second, right when I needed it, where the building was, I hit like a whatever a dead zone, and I had nothing. And I walked up to the building was one of those partially like rented buildings. So it looked like it was abandoned from where I was. And I'm looking in

by now I'm already losing my shit. I'm like, right, there's nobody even in this fucking bill fucking building abandoned. Then I just see this nurse walk by looking at me with their scrubs on. Like what the fuck is your problem? I was just then I had to kind of be like play it off and then kind of follow her around the part of the building that was actually being used. I swear to God, man, I need to learn how to have patience. I just I have zero fucking patience. I have zero fucking tolerance. All of that shit. And I don't know, it's really going to be the death of me. I really got to learn to just fucking relax. It's weird. Little shit, little shit fucking drives me up the wall. Major shit or major pains in the ass. I just laugh and I don't yesterday I was driving

my lovely wife back from went over to the mall. She picked up a few things we got all the way home by backwards starting to kill me. And she realized she left one of her shopping bags in a store. And she flipped the fuck out and I just and I was like, it's fine. It's fine. Like I don't give a shit, right? I drive all the way back. My back's killing me. I didn't give a fuck. Totally relaxed. That was fine, right? But then like an old lady walks in a crosswalk and I have to wait an extra six seconds to make a left and I literally have a meltdown for the life of me. I can't figure out why that is. But anyways, speaking of great stand up comedians, Doug Stanhope put something up. He wrote something. He's friends with Johnny Depp and he's going through this brutal

fucking divorce. And I just want to give him props for sticking up for his friend and everything and saying something because you know, you know what's really so fucked up? All right? It's all the shit that happens to women that guys do to women is fucked up. But there has been a slight overcorrection now where if somebody, a woman just says you do something before you're ever tried or convicted, it just gets put in the paper. It gets put all over the internet. And then all you fucking morons are 90% of you on the fucking internet. Just take it as truth. Take it as fun. Why do you take it as truth? Because you want it to be true because he's doing better than you in life. I mean, it's fucking unbelievable. I really believe this, okay? If somebody

gets accused of rape or domestic violence, they should not publicize the person's name until they're convicted of it. I think that's more than fair considering all the fucking dopes out there that the second they read something, you know, let it fucking see what happens first. See what the fuck happens first. That whole thing now that all you got to do is just say the amount of fucking guys who've been falsely accused of that shit, it's like you're literally fucking with their ability to get a job. You're fucking with their reputation. You know the deal, dude, like domestic violence and anything involving sex, that shit never goes, that never goes away. So I don't know, I just want to, you know, give Stan hope fucking props are actually

sticking up for the guy because there's a lot of people, you know, because of the stigma around that, even if they know it isn't true, they're afraid to throw their hat in the fucking ring. Right. Now I don't know what the fuck happened or whatever. Okay, I'm just saying the fact that somebody finally just said, Hey, this guy hasn't been tried for anything yet. He's a friend of mine. I know he would never do this. It was, it was refreshing to finally read that. And for somebody to finally say, you know, what I believe is you shouldn't put somebody's name out there until, you know, 100% tried and convicted. They definitely did that shit. And then if they did tar and feather him, but to do that to somebody. And also to give that weapon to somebody that they can

just fucking say that in blackmail you with that and really destroy your reputation. I don't know, it's fucking reprehensible. So there's another thing that isn't really funny. You know, you know, it's like all those duke lacrosse players. This shit they just fucking faces all over the fucking, and you know, to this day, despite the fact that they were totally vindicated, despite the fact that there was the 30 for 30 talking about how bad they got railroaded, despite all of that, you know, that's still going to affect their lives. You know, there's still going to be somebody going, yeah, but you know, something happened, you know, somebody when they get mad and they got nothing else to say, they're going to call them a rapist

or something like that. You fucking know that they're going to. So I don't know. I don't know. It was, it was good to see. And of course, it was Stan Hope. Stan Hope. Stan Hope's a good fucking man. As is Johnny Depp, by the way, a few times he's a big standup fan. He comes out to shows. He's fucking humble as hell. You know, gentle, one of the most gentle fucking people ever. You know what I mean? Look, listen to me. Listen to how the fuck I talk. You know what I mean? You'd understand it if it came, you know, somebody said that about me, that he fucking snapped like Posey and fucking dirty dozen. I don't know. I barely know the guy. I've only met him a few fucking times, but like, I don't, I really tend to believe

what the fuck Stan Hope is saying. And I 100% believe that you should not be putting somebody's fucking name out there just because somebody said it. You know, it's fucking unbelievable. His fucking state is brutal. She's going for fucking spousal support. You know, going for fucking spousal support, which means he's got to pay her for like the rest of her fucking life. She married the guy for 15 fucking months. And you know what kills me about that person? She's going to fucking go to the Beyonce concert, right? All the ladies independent and she, well, you watch her throw a fucking hand up. Oh, that shit gets me heated. All right, here we go. Here we go. Is there any fucking ribbons for guys falsely accused of rape and domestic violence?

You know, did they get there a month? You know, will the NFL wear a color for them? Of course they won't. They don't give a fuck. Anyways. All right, here we go. Let's talk about, let's talk about that game six. Holy fucking shit. Game six, O.K.C. Golden State Warriors. And when I say holy fucking shit, not only do I mean, it was a great game. I mean, holy fucking shit, you guys are going to have to sit here and listen to a man who never watches basketball, talk about basketball. Actually, I watched the most I've watched this year and I watched the Celtics, mainly. Fucking brutal, man. I'm not gonna lie to you. I always root for the underdogs. I was going for O.K.C., right? And you know, Golden State got

theirs last year. I like, I, you know, I've been to a home game of, of the thunder, the fans are fucking unreal. And I love their stadium. It's like a college stadium. You know, it's not like fucking triple-decker luxury boxes like down the Staples Center, which every time I go in there, there's a part of me that gets really sad for, for like true Laker fans, true King fans, true Clipper fans, that they got banished that fucking high up. It's fucking ridiculous. They got a goddamn nightclub in there, you know, where you can hang out afterwards. It's as stupid as shit ever, right? And meanwhile, all the fucking, the real fans that have been hanging out, you know, the only real fan in the lower level of, at the Lakers game, you got two, Diane Cannon and Jack Nicholson.

They've been there for fucking ever. And I think it was Jack first. But anyways, and I, I, I've seen, I saw Kevin Durant play when he was still, I said I'm at key arena, when he's still with the Sonics. And I was at that game when OKC was playing the Miami Heat and Chris Bosch got in one of the Thunders guy's faces and Durant immediately walked over and said some shit and broke it up. And then he like was really fucking, you know, look like not yelling, but just laying down the lot of his teammate. And afterwards they asked him what he said. He said, I just told him there's a lot of phony tough guys in the league and that guy's one of them. And right there, I mean, he was like 22, 23, when he did it, I was like, yeah, you got it.

You can't not love that guy, right? So I'm rooting for these guys. And it's the classic fucking thing about a team that knows how to win another one that didn't. They had those fuck, they actually, they actually won the fucking game. They had the fuck, I can't say they won, they had it won. They were up by seven with four and a half minutes left. And they were playing like they were down by 15 and fucking the warriors. They were like, they were like this patient, like, you know, when you see like, I want a Python grab something and it wraps itself around you and it just chill it. And every time you ask, ask, exhale, it just fucking goes a little tighter and a little tighter, you know, and then

you're like, you can't fucking breathe your pass out and it's over. That's all they did. If you rewatch that game, they never increased the tempo of that game. They just fucking, they were like Jason and Friday the 13th, you know, when someone's running away, okay, see was a victim running away, looking over their shoulder. So they're tripping over logs and shit. And they just fucking walked up on them. And that was it. Fucking machete to the back of the neck. They were playing like they went down by 15 when they were up by seven. And then they just started coming down the court. They stopped passing the fucking ball. And that was, that was one of the most devastating losses I've seen of a home team in a long fucking time.

They just ripped their hearts out, fucking held it up to their faces and then threw it in a crowd. There was dead fucking silence, except for those 20 unbelievable, stereotypical, jerk off California sports fans that hung around. They are the fucking worst. Not all of them, but 80% of them, they are the fucking way. Maybe there was a touch of the Yolo douche that was fucking going on, right? You know, the white guys with the hat to the side, you know, two of them, DJ, right? They were standing behind all of the, all of the fucking announcers there. Nia killed me when we were watching it. She was fucking making fun of Shaq. He said he, she said, he's wearing this big blue suit in his big round head. She said, he looked like one of those

talking M&Ms. Anyways, but Jesus Christ, Clay Thompson, my God, at what point are you going to cover the guy? This is what's so fucked up about the NBA. You know, when, when, what, what was fucking name? When Steph Curry goes down the lane for like the 50th fucking time, a little crossover here, a little damn whoopee, whoopee, dude, he's in the air back in the day that you would have got, you would have got fucking brought down to earth on the back of your head. That would have been it. And everyone would have stood up and pushed and shoved and nobody would have got ejected. He's fucking like, that's something because I watched very little basketball for a long time during my standup career. And I just cannot believe the way you can just coast down

the fucking lane. You know what I mean? Back in the day, if you tried to go down the lane, you had to be a fucking man. You know, you knew you were going to hit something, you know, you could get away with it once, maybe twice. And then that was it. It was like when Michael Vick was running around as a quarterback, you know, eventually one of those linebackers was going to have an opportunity. And it was going to, you know, this, you know, if you're running quarterback, you know, eventually, you know, it's almost like considered like, I feel it's considered like a cheap fucking play. Like we got you guys covered, you know what I mean? And then you're just going to fucking, you know, run and then fucking slide on your ass for a first down. That makes people mad on the defense.

And eventually you're not going to have time to go down or they don't give a fuck that you're going down and they're going to take the fucking the fine. And I'm amazed how that has been taken out of the fucking game. These guys just glide. Watch, I want to say when Mikhail hit Rambus, I don't even know if there was a foul. There must have been a foul, but nobody was ejected. That would have been like, I don't know whatever the suspensions are nowadays, three to five game suspensions. But anyways, Clay Thompson, Jesus Christ, the fucking guy was unconscious. And I got to tell you, man, I just the only reason why I think OKC can win game seven is nobody thinks they can't. And that always makes me feel like Vegas is going to win a ton of

fucking money. I actually have a bet. I called in the IM Rappaport podcast. Because Rappaport, anytime anything bad happens to fucking Boston teams, he's just got a hard on for it. You know what I mean? And then he tries to act like he doesn't give a fuck about baseball. And then when I bring up how successful the Yankees are, he flips out. That's right. That's right. When we fucking prison raped you, he flips out. It literally ages that man. What has happened over the last decade and a half, what we have accomplished with only four teams, even our fucking soccer team, if you want to throw that in, right? Even they want a championship. It absolutely fucking devastates that man. You know, and all he's got is the two giant Super Bowls, which to be honest with you, you know,

I don't give a fuck. If you told me 15 years ago, hey, the Patriots are going to go to six Super Bowls and win four of them. Do you think I'm going to cry about the other two? I don't give a fuck. Four and two. I'll fucking take that. You know what else would take that? The fucking giants. If they could have gone to six and won four and why wouldn't you? Well, you know something, they would probably say winning two against the Patriots was better. And I would actually believe that. I would actually believe that. So whatever. You know what I mean? But that's the kind of sports fan I am. I don't have this blind hatred, you know? This is the thing about me. As much as I sound like I'm upper deck, I'm really not. I am the way I drink. I am the way

I talk, the way I curse. I am an upper deck guy, but I am a logical son of a bitch. I'm not saying I'm box seats. I'm on the mezzanine level. Okay. I'm just that much closer to the fucking to the field. Now Rappaport. Rappaport is upper deck all day, all fucking day. And if he hears this, he's going to say he's actually proud of it. Rappaport's that guy at the top of the fucking stadium going, is anybody looking? Is anybody looking? And he fucking takes a piss up in the corner. You know what I mean? He actually really is more like a Philly fan than a New York fan. He can't help it. He just can't help it. The man, the man has, and when I hear his hatred towards Boston sports, and when I hear his excitement, every time they reinstate the Brady suspension, it just makes me,

I can't even tell you how happy it makes me, that there's a New York sports fan that is experiencing this level of joy, that something bad has finally happened to a Boston team this century. It never used to be that way. You know what New York sports fans are to Boston fans? They're like your big brother that used to be able to beat you up until you about 14. And then you finally kicked his ass, threw him down the flight of stairs. You felt him quit and it's fucking over. But it's never over because you know, at some point, some point in your 30s, something's going to happen at like a family reunion and they're going to come at you one more time, right? You just give them the old front face lock, right? And do a back body drop and then it's fucking over.

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for the show. All right, free. All right, by going to blueaprint.com slash burger, you will love how it feels and tastes to create incredible home cook meals with blue apron. Don't wait. That's blueaprint.com slash burger, blueaprint.com, a better way to cook. Check out this weekend's menu and get two of your meals for free. That's right, with free shipping. Sorry, I forgot that part. All right, let's get back to the podcast here. All right, so, oh, Billy fucking fat cakes. I'm in a writer's room and I blew out my fucking sciatic nerve, right? So, I have not been working out and I've been trying to eat the best I can, but I finally bit the bullet and stepped on the fucking scale the other day and I was 183. So, my fighting weight's 172. I went down to 163 last

year. I knew I couldn't sustain that. That was like my emaciated fucking underwear model weight, but I still, you know, no, there's never been a redheaded underwear model, a male one. I don't think, you know, but there's always a first. So, I really want to be like 172. So, I just said, you know, I started yesterday. I got my birthday coming up on June 10th and there cannot be an eight anywhere in my body weight on my birthday for life. I've just decided that that's it. It's not fucking happening. So, this morning I was 181.6. You know, I got my gym right outside, my back's feeling good. I'm actually doing fucking legs and eggs today, right? Legs and eggs. The Foxy Lady. Okay, guys, come on down for legs and eggs, right? I'm fucking doing some squats

and I'll do the gym is the shit. The fucking speed bag, the atomic holds, the peg board. I just walk right up. I want to fucking bench. I don't have to worry about anything. You know, I got a wireless fucking speaker, right? I actually don't. I have this. I got this other thing. It looks like a Marshall amp. It looks like the head of a Marshall amp. You just plug your phone in there and I just crank like fucking AC DC and fucking all the shit that I love. Guns and roses and all that. Like back in the day and my goal is one time in my life did I ever put up 225 and for you, meatheads left over from the fucking 80s. 225 was the shit because that was 245 pound plates on both sides, right? And you just brought it down and right back up again.

And I did that back when I weighed about a buck 65. So I am an old man now. So right now, you know, I just got the 45s on either side, you know, whatever, I'm working my way back. And I also know how to build myself up without hurting myself. I always make sure I if I'm going to go 20 pounds up that I can do 20 pounds less at least six times. And then I just go up and see, you know, if I can do 20 pounds up like two times, maybe three. And I just work my way up. So I literally started out with just 25s on either side, you know, did that 10 times and I threw the 35s 10 times and I put the 45s on I could only do it like six fucking times pathetic. But now back up to 10 reps on all of those. And I just moved up to a buck 55, which I put up like four

times. So I should have my 80s body back soon, you know, we just totally overdeveloped up top and then I have my chicken legs. Now it's not happening this time this time I'm actually going to do the fucking squat the squats. So anyways, if anybody else has those atomic holds, like what are you because they give you those those little those plastic bands that you then put like the C clamp on. And then you can swing from those things. Like what do you hook the plastic thing from I got them on my chin up bar. But but the shit in the ceiling is like a fish hook, but it's totally closed. So I can't put the plastic thing in there. I guess I could just fucking email the the company and I could figure out how to do it. Anyways, let's let's literally babbling here. Oh, who do you

guys like in the Stanley Cup playoffs? Huh? In the Stanley Cup final? I got to tell you, after watching the sharks beat my blues, I have nothing but respect for those guys now. And I actually really like that team. But then I got a ton of friends in Pittsburgh. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do. Why is Sydney Crosby so hateable? Is it the pouty lips? Was it the crying after every fucking call for so many fucking years? The guy's unbelievable. He's unbelievable. I don't know. I have no idea who's going to win that one, but I'm going to watch Bartnick actually invited me over. I got to get back to him. Maybe I'll be able to run over there and watch this. Then if I go over there, I'm not one of those douches that

even if I wanted San Jose to win, I would go over there. I definitely root for the pens. When you see how happy Joe Bartnick is anytime the penguins score a fucking goal, there's no way to not root for the penguins. And I'm not even rooting for the penguins. I'm just rooting to see Joe Bartnick happy. All right, here we go. The questions for the week. Week, week, week, week. Online dating from a lady. Hi, bumbling Billy Butterballs. I like that one. Fumbling, rumbling, bumbling, stumbling. I actually tweeted about you to see that four-year-old kid fell into the gorilla enclosure and then they killed the gorillas. I said, I tweeted about that. I was saying how a four-year-old does not fall accidentally fall into a gorilla enclosure.

I wrote that was a fumble. Hashtag Chris Berman. All right, I am a 26-year-old lady and I met this guy I am really into on an online dating app. I am not on the app for hookups and don't think he is either. We have met up in public places three times in the past week and I can really see potential with him. I'm so fucking jealous that you guys have that app where it's like I'm not on there just to hook up with people. Like you literally can turn yourself into like a gigolo or a call girl with regular fucking people. It's unbelievable. He said, we have met up in public places three times in the past week and I can really see potential with him. I haven't been to his actual apartment yet but

met him once in the parking garage of his complex. That sounds like a blowjob. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. He wants to hang out and watch a movie at his place. I'm not a prude naive or getting any weird vibes or red flags from him. I just don't want to put myself in any potentially dangerous situations or give him any false signs. How soon is too soon after meeting someone online to hang out at their apartment? Dude, what the fuck? I don't know. I have no idea. You don't sound comfortable so I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I think if you're going to spend time alone with him for the first time, I would do it at your place and have 9-1 dialed in the phone in your hand. I mean,

I don't know if you're getting this kind of a creepy vibe. Are you getting a creepy vibe because you met him online? My advice is I would not go there anytime soon until that whole fucking vibe goes away. Whether you're a prude or not has nothing to do with anything. That just has to do with being smart. Jesus Christ. Now you got me thinking there's something wrong with them. You know what? Stay away from that guy. All right, boyfriend doesn't want a dog. I don't know how to say this. Hey Billy, is that a French word? B-E-T-E with the little hat on the first E. Now I got to look it up. You know what happens when I do this shit? All right. Oh, you know what I actually was

looking up the other day? Because I'm a big fan of the 83 Philadelphia 76ers. I was looking up the St. Louis Spirits, which was an ABA team. French to English translation. There we go. It's an ABA team. Oh, I mean stupid. You fucking asshole. Hey Billy, stupid. Um, what was I going to say? I actually looked it up the St. Louis Spirits and they had some of the coolest nicknames ever. They had a guy, Bad News Barnes, Fly Williams, and then Moses Malone. Moses didn't even need a fucking nickname with this that it being his real name, Moses. Moses Malone, Bad News Barnes, Fly Williams. And I watched, I don't know if there's, I think there's a 30 for 30 on it. It seemed like I saw a trailer for it. Bob Costas was going like,

if you need to know anything about the ABA, that team was the fucking ABA. Everything that was great about it. And I believe Bob Costas is a Missouri guy. And so I think that he was doing all those games. If I ever meet Bob Costas, that's the shit I'm going to ask him about. Out of fucking everything. That's what I would want to talk to him about, is about the ABA, where he got his start and all. I just can't fucking believe that, you know, he got to see all that stuff. So anyways, here we go. Billy, Billy, Billy, stupid. All right. And I'm a long time lady listener. I love your standup specials and F is for family is amazing. Thank you. Nice work. Thank you. Thanks again. I'm 29. And I just moved away from Seattle to San Antonio

with my Air Force pilot boyfriend. Oh, all right. Well, how does that one go? Off we go. And to the wild blue. This is my first time living away from home. And he's gone a lot for work. I thought it would be a good idea for us to get a dog to keep me sane. I love animals and was a part time dog walker in Seattle. My boyfriend, however, has never owned a pet in his life and isn't hot on the idea of having a dog. He's from Iowa and he believes livestock shouldn't live indoors. Oh, Jesus, I've owned cats and dogs my entire life. In fact, I had to leave my 17 year old cat behind in Seattle and it broke my heart. Can you offer any persuasive words to help bring him around or should I just drop it? Thanks for the laugh and go fuck yourself.

How do you bring him around? Well, you can do what my wife did. And you foster air quote a rescue dog. That's what happens. You foster a rescue dog, which means, yeah, just have it for the weekend. And as the bit went in my act, I went from there's no fucking way I'm keeping this dog in an 48 hour period went all the way to Oh, my God, this thing's going to die someday. How am I emotionally going to be able to handle this? You could do that. I don't listen. Well, this is what I would do. Either way, no matter how this works out, I would get a small dog. Okay, small dogs, small problems. Okay, small expenses, small shits to pick up is your house break in the fucking thing. House training, whatever the fuck it is, not a horse bill. You don't ride the thing.

How would you do this? Well, it sounds like he doesn't want to do it. Why would he call it livestock? It's not livestock. It's a fucking pet. I don't know. You know what it is? This is the thing. If you foster a dog, this is what's going to happen. So this guy grew up on a farm or he grew up in Iowa. This is the thing. When you fucking come home on a farm, a cow is not flipping out and excited to see you. Neither is a horse. They can do little things, but nobody gets excited like a fucking dog. You know what I mean? It's like Dick Vitale. Oh, baby. He's a prime time player, right? Every time you come home, your dog flips out like you just dunked the ball on a fast break and the other team called time

out. That's the way your dog fucking reacts. Now, I know from experiences when I was just a boy and I would walk to school and I used to feed this horse every day on the way. Bill, is this a Tom Sawyer movie? No, it isn't. This was my childhood. And I remember one time it wouldn't come over, so I walked away and I fucking, when I look back, it was doing that walk or was nodding its head and flipping out for whatever fucking reason. It was like playing hard to get. So I know that they can, I guess on some level, show a certain level of emotion, but like, I think maybe, I don't know what kind of dog. If you get a little dog that has a nice mushed up face, you know, maybe like one of those French Bulldogs, something that snores and farts, your boyfriend can find

it funny. I have no idea. Maybe a dog like that, but I find it hard to fucking believe. Unless he grew up on a farm and anybody grew up on a fucking farm on a certain level, like they got this cold bloodedness to them. You know what I mean? They've just seen too much. They've seen fucking animals slaughtered, you know, you know, like when they were a kid, like their dad goes, you want chicken for dinner? Is that what you want? Quit your crying. You want chicken for dinner? All right, he come out here. You come out of your right. Come on out. Which one's it's going to be? Dad, I don't want chicken anymore. No, you said you want a chicken. Now pick one out. Boy, if you don't fucking, I'm going to fucking have you for dinner. If you're all right, that one,

then he fucking just grabs it, puts it on the chopping block and then hands that kid the fucking cleaver. Go on, do it. I said, do it. Right. They live through that at like the age of six. So they don't look at animals the way we do. And I got to be honest with you. I remember one time I saw this guy shoot a fucking cow because it was bullying the other fucking, it was shot a steer because it was bullying the other steer. They couldn't figure out why they, you know, you know, they, they, they'd come back, you know, the next morning and like two or three cows look like they fucking, somebody tried to extrapolate some fucking information from them, right? Is that the right word? I don't know. Um, that they got slapped around, you know, like they walked into

a door and they couldn't figure who the fuck slapping the shit out of these steer. And it turned they figured out which one it was. So they were like, all right, we got to kill this fucking thing. But here's the deal. We don't want the thing to be stressed before it's killed because that'll affect the taste of the meat. So what they do is they just sort of, they just sort of pen it in. And yeah, you know, how are you doing? Doopie, doopie, do and then they just fucking take out a gun. Blam! They fucking kill it, right? And I was like, Oh my God. So then they, the guy had like this fucking, this tractor and they tied up the back things, the back of its legs, they tied up its back legs and then they just lifted it up off the ground. Then they gutted the fucking thing.

All the blood's pouring out, all the fucking entrails. And I'm just sitting there going, Oh my God, I'm never eating meat again. This is fucking horrific, right? And then they, once they fucking chopped the head and the legs off and they get, they get the fur, the hide off. And they started chopping it up. I went from like, Oh my God, I'm never eating meat again to my mouth watering, going, Holy fuck. Look at all those steaks. And this guy was cutting them in like four inch fucking slabs, like Fred Flintstone fucking steaks. And it's just like, dude, you could literally eat yourself to death and not get a third of the way through that fucking cow cattle or what a steer, whatever the fuck it is. So I think the thing about it is, is if he grew up in Iowa, anywhere

near a farm, that's how they look at animals. They look at it like, you know, this is a food source. And don't get too emotionally attached to it. Keep it outside. Do not give it a fucking name. And when it can't make you any more money, you give it the old fucking right there, Fred. So he might be a lost cause. You know what I mean? And as bad as that might be for you, I got to tell you like the fact that he can wall off those feelings like that is great if you ever have an intruder, because God help him when that guy, when the intruder gets those farm hands around him. Fucking throwing bales of hay since he was four years into farm boy strength. Jesus Christ, that fucking, all those fucking, every offensive lineman for Nebraska just grew up fucking punching

steer in the goddamn head. The fucking maniacs. So the fact that he grew up in Iowa, it might be a lost cause. So I would just say, try fostering a dog and try to just get one that is cool and chills. But if you, if your boyfriend's active, maybe you want something that's a little more athletic, but like, you know, you can have a dog that just wants to chill while you watch the fucking game. I mean, that's the best. That's why I love my dog. My dog is fucking shredded. It makes me want to work out, but then also, you know, it is down to take a nap any fucking time you want. It's not like those sheepherd and fucking lunatic dogs that have like ADD. And if you don't give it a project, it starts fucking eating the door, you know, but anyways, good luck with that shit.

All right, Beyonce's album. Dear Billy Def Jam, my girlfriend was listening to the new Beyonce album for a couple days straight. I let her listen because we usually listen to my music, which is music she loves anyways. I didn't say it's funny. I let her listen. You know, it's okay. You can listen to that. I didn't say anything for the first few days, but then I just started getting sick of hearing the same songs. She understood this and did not take offense because she's a great girl and I don't waste my time with shitty girlfriends who can't communicate. Dude, I got to admit right now, at this point, you sound like, you know, a girl's a great girl as long as she wants to do everything you want her to do. She's a great girl. I'd say I'm sick of the

two days. I'm sick of your music and she's been listening to your music for fucking ever. Maybe I'm reading into this. Anyways, later that night, we're at a bar with her friends or with her friend who is really, who has a really annoying name that rhymes with small lean. She brings up the album, the Beyonce album and how great it is. And my girl laughs and says, yeah, I burnt this guy out with it pointing to me. Her friend saw this as an opening to regurgitate every stupid soundbite she's read on a blog. Apparently, I'm not comfortable with women being in a dominant position. Or if a guy did what she did, I wouldn't care. Yeah, I know this, this, this happened when that Alanis Morissette album came out.

And I remember enjoying some of the music and some woman in a bar was going like, do you even know what the song is about? Like, like I should like, like, like I had some a relationship with the Lannis and she was yelling at me, like I don't understand it, you know what I mean? The song's either fucking, you know, either like the music or you don't. I don't give a fuck what she's singing about, right? At the end of the day, yeah, if you could be fucking be singing row, row, row your boat, if it sounds good, I'm going to listen to it. Like, I'm not necessarily a fan of her shit, but that one that she did with Jack White, I like that song because the song sounds good and I've heard it like 10 times because Nia's been playing it

and I cannot tell you one fucking lyric in it. I don't know, I don't even know what it's about. But anyways, I finally had to interrupt her and explain that while I think she's, what she's singing about is annoying, you said it annoying, is annoying. My only complaint was that I was tired of hearing the same song, songs for three days straight. She wouldn't even listen, ignoring me and the words coming out of my calm mouth, dismissing logic. I turned to my girlfriend and said, how can a girl as smart as you have such, such one dismiss, such a one dimensional friend? Yep, she tossed what was left of her drink on me. Wow, this chick is way out of line. It was a beer bottle that was almost empty. I barely got any drops on me. She got mad when I laughed and

turned and stomped off. Did I say too much? Did I say too little? Listen, I'm not saying you're not a dick. I think, I think you said, I think what you said was perfect. You know what I mean? Like, to be honest with you, at some point your girlfriend should have stepped in and been like, maybe she was. Guys, guys, settle down, settle down, settle down. But whenever an album like this comes out, I mean, she realizes that that album is just like a big fucking, isn't that like, you know, just like a big fucking, what do they call it, trolling? Isn't she just acting like that happened? I mean, I don't think she let Callas grow on her feet and do all that shit that she said. She always looks like she just came from the spa and I don't give

a fuck what that guy did. I don't think she's interrupting that. Maybe she made the help go down and go through that, that biblical shit that she was talking about. But whatever, you know, they got to have that fucking, you know, not everything's for you. But I understand if someone's like playing an album three days straight, you'd go fucking nuts. But I think I yeah, I think you went too far because you insulted your girlfriend's girlfriend by in a roundabout way insulting your own girlfriend. You know, but that you have to understand like women like that, like in this day and age, like this is like, they're so into that shit that you're not going to convince them one way or the other.

That's like the type of person that acts like an asshole. And just goes, you know, guys are intimidated by me and no point of they ever examining examining like their own behavior. It's like, did I tell you what guys when I was in Seattle when that woman came up and fucking slammed her hands on the stage because like the stage was up to her chin. And it scared the shit out of me because I couldn't see anything because the lights went, I thought someone had jumped on stage. And I felt like that jolt like right before you're going to get into a fight. And I looked down and there was this woman, you know, screaming at me or whatever. And I just said, first of all, she was standing there forever and no security

did anything. And I joked, I said to the guys in the crowd, be like, dude, how many times would we have been choked out at this point and dragged out of here and thrown into the, and thrown into fucking traffic. This is one of these women privilege moments where you can just disrupt a fucking show and she's been standing there yelling at me for like 30 seconds and nobody moved to do anything. And then finally, I just said, man, can you, can you please take your seat? And she goes, Oh, I'll take my seat, but I don't need your permission. It's what she said. And it was just like, it's like, all right, I get it. You're a feminist, but like, you know, you're applying it like in this instance, I'm not the bad guy. You're the asshole. I know you have a vagina.

So that makes you this terminal victim in your fucking world and that you can never be in the wrong. But believe it or not, at some point, you can be the fucking asshole. And what you did was you, you remain calm, which is the way to beat anybody in a fucking argument is as they get heated, you just stay calm. And when she had nothing else, she threw your drink at you and then fucking stormed off. So it was weird. You won that argument. But you are your girlfriend and apology because you made shit weird between her and her girlfriend. And then you kind of insulted your own girlfriend in a way. Having said that, I applaud you for saying that because that's fucking hilarious. And I actually wish I could have seen that. Because anytime those types of

songs come out, there's always that that type of shit of like, you know, oh, you're just saying that because this, you're just saying that because that and you know, I don't know if you know what I don't like about that shit is then you just you just have this built in fucking excuse. So it's like, Oh, so you're never in the wrong. If I call you out and say, you know, X, Y and Z, it's because of my own issues. It's never you. Jesus Christ, that takes me back to Daisy Buchanan's in like 1990, whatever, when that Alanis Morissette fucking album came out. All right, here we go. Boxing or porn. Jesus Christ is a fucking wide variety on this one. Dear Bill, I'm facing a dilemma in my life. And I was hoping

to gain an outside opinion. I'm a 20 year old male and I've always had aspirations of becoming a professional boxer. However, I have a problem. I fear that I'm addicted to sex. What? I already don't believe this. This is such a fucking left turn. I don't believe this is causing problems in my relationship with my fiance. I absolutely, I'm absolutely in love with this woman. She goes out of her way to make me happy. Sacrifice. Sorry, I got the hiccups. I wolfed down my breakfast before this. She goes out of her way to make me happy. Sacrifice so much just to be with me and also pleasures me often. Rose. What can you just say? You have a nice, you have a wonderful sex life. Pleasures me often. I got to picture you with your head thrown back.

Why would you do that to me, you cunt? All right, the only problem is my sexual frustration with her. We have passionate sex many times during the week, but I still want it even more, eventually ending up growing angry and resentful towards her when she doesn't want to. Jesus, dude, go rub one out. And later feeling like an asshole. This brings me to ask myself, should I just fuck for a living? My fiance and past partners have always complimented me on my performance in bed and my stamina. Jesus Christ, this guy's going hard on Memorial Day. So we have a parade for you going up to three hours on occasions. I love the sport of boxing and I've always worked toward that, but this problem I have sometimes just makes me want to drop everything

and go fuck the world. Any advice, this is real or fake. This is great. Any advice you have regarding this problem, my relationship or career path will be greatly appreciated. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, look, if you're boxing, you're in great shape, you know, I don't know if you got the porno dick or not, but you definitely got the stamina. But dude, you don't want to go into that world. If you have other fucking options, you don't want to go into that world. And, you know, that I really, there's very few, like the people who seem to make them the zillions of dollars, which is still really hard to do at this point because porno has become free, seems to be the women. They seem to be the ones that can become, be a star just because guys

watch, I guess, way more of it. So I would say, Jesus Christ, am I going to tell you to go get your head kicked in or fucking go join the dark world of porn? I would say boxing. I would, this is what I would do if I was you. You know, you usually say if you, look, dude, you know something with your fucking sex drive, they always say, you know, boxes right before a big fight, they abstained from sex for 10 days, dude. You know, your only problem is you can be coming in, then your balls are going to be feel like they're fucking through the tarmac, whatever you call it, the squared circle. Yeah, I say you keep fucking boxing, you abstain from sex and hopefully you're good at boxing. You know, that is not,

that's not a fucking good profession to just be okay at because you're going to be fucking, you know, your brain's going to be mush. Why don't you try the UFC? At least you got a chance you can tap out, you can just get fucking get, not saying you don't get knocked out, you don't take a bunch of headshots in the UFC, but I mean, you can get, you know, an arm bar, I'd rather have an arm bar than be knocked out because you can tap out before they pop out, you fuck dislocate your elbow, you get choked out, which sounds horrific to me, but every professional fighter I've ever seen is like, dude, I'd much rather get choked out than knocked out. You just go to sleep and then the ref stops it, you're fine, right? I got to tell you, that's one of the oddest

questions I've ever had. I don't know, dude, but God help you. If you become successful as a boxer, you're going to become famous and God help your relationship then. There's no way to jerk it out of yourself. Go out and lay on the front lawn like one of those sprinklers. Just fucking, you know, shoot all your jizz out and then get on with your fucking day. Go do your road work, running with your hoodie and your Timbalands on. I don't know what to tell you, dude, that's way beyond me. You sound like you need a therapist. Jesus Christ, I want to believe that that one was true. I don't know about that one, but anyways, that is the podcast for this week. Happy Memorial Day, everybody. Enjoy your day off and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Yeah,

that's right. All right, go fuck yourselves. Pan your insamewracking with the OVAM.