Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-30-22

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

Bill rambles about the NBA, gene edited hamsters, and Vicks vapor rub

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday Monday May 30th, 2022 Sorry, man, I just had a double espresso. That's my new shit, man. It's my new shit Don't have a problem Oh, double shot of espresso on Memorial Day, everybody. Come on, sing it with me. Happy Memorial Day to you Happy Memorial Day to you because you didn't take the time to thank the troops You just went to a barbecue and

You ate a bunch of shit and You got some man tits and And you felt a tightness in your chest So you made yourself puke in the shrubs and your buddy's wife saw it Ta, all right, sorry That's always the worst. You know, we do something dumb and your buddy's wife sees it. You're like, oh god Do I wait for her version and then I tell my version or do I tell my version first? You know, you got to wait

You got to wait, you know, what's annoying? I was just walking down the street by I was minding my own business. You know what it really annoys me. I don't like When a woman dresses Seductively but isn't confident Is there anything worse than that? Because then you're walking past them and they have this uncomfortable look on their face and it fucking makes you feel like a creep And it's like I didn't tell you to dress like that and I wasn't even looking at you Stop fucking making that face like I'm leering at you

I'm just gonna say hello. You're the one who wore a fucking half shirt It's fucking breezy out, you know, put a whole shirt on Put a whole shirt on until you can walk down the street. You got to be like Beyonce If you're gonna dress like that, you got to fucking be walking down the street Like you can never get this right and then it makes all the guys be like Whatever the fuck they do with those concerts um No, I don't want to make fun of Beyonce Jesus Christ, and I'll have all those fucking

Pudgy people coming after me Sorry, it's the espresso man. I like it, you know, I sit there. I feel like I just we Just we get home Just we American Jebedray on cafe Doulay Badou vont si vous blé Go fuck yourself

I'm getting back into my French, man back up. I'm up to fucking Number 27 on Pimsley. You got to do Pimsley. This is I'm this is not even I'm not even getting paid to say this shit You got to do Pimsley. That's that's where it's at I mean part of this might be the coffee talking about yeah, I'm a little fucking ramped up here I'm not gonna lie to you. You know I'm psyched about I'm off the road for two weeks Right I'm off the road again. Chica boom chica boom boom boom old ball billy's off the road again He can hang out with his two little friends

That's all he did this morning So I just played with my kids It's hilarious Both of them hilarious we were playing shoots and ladders which I realized that's what I'm gonna do now when I want a curse I'll be like ah shoots and ladders That works right so you kind of feel like you're saying shit, but not really And before all the Australians right in I okay, I get it ladders and snakes is what you called it We said shoots, you know what I mean? They're like they think it's because we can't handle snakes

Or something like that. That's not the reason why you guys called it snakes and ladders because you have all of those fucking Ridiculously poisonous snakes out there. We've got rattlesnakes here, but you never see them You know people in Australia go out to get their mail and they just never come back You get bit by a snake or some joey comes over and fucking kicks the fucking memory out of their head And then our koala bears they're kind of cunty too, you know, they're like Koala bears they're like Star Wars fans like nerds, you know what I mean? Well, they're just sort of fucking laid back and you think that they're nice because they're quiet and then you know And you give them a hug and they pee on your leg. I don't know I gotta I gotta work on that reference

Okay, I want to thank everybody that came out to Las Vegas This weekend at the Cosmopolitan I had such a great time there I was working with Todd Rex and Mock Simmons Mark went up the second night. You gotta see that guy man fucking hilarious Todd Rex Did two completely different sets was fucking hilarious. I love that guy man T Rex T Rex is what he goes by and Just one of the silliest funniest fucking dudes on stage and off to hang out with we had a blast and We were just doing the thing about is when I hang out with Todd all we do is Archie Bunker

And Patty cake patty cake bacon's man. Yeah, just doing all this stupid shit that only makes sense to us And it usually takes me like three days To shake it off like I came home You know, I see my wife. I'm like, oh She's just like you hanging out with Todd this weekend, weren't you I was like, yeah, I'm sorry But I actually came home, you know, and My daughter, you know was like daddy and I started speaking French to her and she was speaking it back to me

It's gonna be sick because I'm gonna learn it as she learns it and then as we get older We're gonna get to talk shit about people that we're looking at in French and it's gonna be my gonna be another thing Another daddy daughter date, you know, let's go out in public and trash people and they don't know what we're talking about Another great reason to learn another language. She brings you closer to your kids, right? Anyway, so we were out in Vegas and I Do what I usually do after after the first night the next morning I go I wake up and I go for a little stroll there I went over to the MGM, which I hadn't been to in years and I always loved that one. I'm a sucker for green

Green car, I just love a fucking green car that fucking British racing green. I just think it's beautiful Kelly green Fender guitar that surfer green all of that shit. I just I like it so I was always drawn to going over there and I went over to the sports book my favorite thing in the fucking world to do have a little action on the game and Smoking a fucking little cigar there Watching some innings or some quarters, whatever the fuck it is, but they don't let you smoke over there So it's a little disappointed with that But whatever we had a nice little walk came back. I did I

Did my show turned out there was a buddy of mine that was doing a show bigger show than me the next day He ended up staying on my floor right before I left so I went down You know hung out with him for a cup of coffee, which was great It's a good time. It's a good time, but I don't like going out there without you know, my wife or whatever You know sitting in a fucking room like Howard Hughes Watching your nails grow, you know Anyway, but where I was looking out my window I could see the Tropicana and way back in the day That's the first place I ever headlined

Before I was ready and I remember I headlined two nights. I just wasn't getting them I've told this story before and I got I got bumped down. I got I got sent down back to triple a They flip the The feature was really a headliner and he was experienced and they flipped and I just it was very humbling But they were both the host and the and the guy were both cool about it or whether and I just was like, all right, I Mean I just want the lady called me up and she's just like hey Bill, you know, it's so and so from the Tropicana I'm like, hey, how you doing? She goes good. Um, how do you think the show's been going? That's what I was just like. Oh, no, here we go. Oh

Billy backpedal Anyway, but this isn't what I wanted to talk about This isn't the biggest fucking news out there the biggest news is your Boston Celtics NBA action is fantastic are going to the NBA Against the Golden State Warriors and I have to tell you something. I tried to watch that game seven I cannot watch the fucking NBA Like I don't understand how sports fans watch the NBA and not realize that this shit is it's just assisted you're watching assisted reality That's what it is. Like the level of power that officials have I

Just refused to believe I'm not saying that the game is fixed I'm saying that it is it is controlled Like the level of control that the referee has it's here's the deal All right, the first quarter belongs to the players the second quarter if need be The officials insert themselves to make sure that it's only going to be a five to seven point game At by halftime so if somebody comes out and they're fucking hot and they're up by 15 17 20 points the NBA But fortunately it's basketball and the referee has the ability to take players out of the game by calling fouls on them or You know just calling fouls on the whole team and getting them in the penalty which puts the other team on the fucking line

I swear to God every fuck how many fucking times can you NBA fans watch a team? Have a fucking 20-point lead and just watch it evaporate in the final fucking six minutes of a quarter and then cue the Stephen a Smith guy at halftime To inject drama in this what should have been a drama-less game going like I'll tell you right now I am really concerned about the team that was up by 20 is now only up by six And you think you're watching the game then they come out third quarter They let them play for a half a fucking quarter and the fucking job of the referee is to make sure that it comes down to the final two fucking minutes That's what it is. It's it's a business

It's a fucking business and I really believe That like It's cast like a show All right, and what they repeat every day every year is they're trying to get Celtics versus Lakers not those teams but The Lakers through shrewd moves and a trade and the Celtics through the same thing in the 1980s were basically two super teams And they were these two juggernauts that faced off Year after year and because of that the NBA

With the help not dr. Jay first Then it was burden magic and that just took it to the stratosphere and they ended up passing baseball and football and I believe they became the number one sport in the 80s and then Michael Jordan Carried him the rest of the way to 1998 and ever since then like during that time that became their fucking business model So what they do is I just feel like they try to recreate The Showtime Lakers and the 80s Celtics by allowing these pile-on teams to happen So they have these two juggernauts and then the referee's job is to kind of you know not fix the game but massage it enough that

that the the the biggest money-making scheme has the best chance of Getting to the big dance that that's what I feel because I feel like last night if Miami was on their game and they went up by 15017 I I'm telling you they Miami would have been in the penalty By the second quarter and then the Celtics would he be able to shave it to eight or nine to keep people hanging in there Watching the game. I don't understand How the fuck you guys can keep looking at this shit and not think that this is what it is I mean some of those fucking calls and then the great thing is all you got to do is just have a shit call the air quote makeup call

and then that becomes the The that's that's their alibi. It's like the Chris Paul move when they didn't let Chris Paul Go to the Lakers. That's their fucking alibi when I sit there and say like yeah, dude They just allow these super teams to happen and every fucking mouth-breathing moron always goes Well, what about the Chris Paul tray and I always go give me another one And they got nothing they got nothing because they allow it to happen. I'm telling you it's cast like a fucking show and So when I watch the NBA I watched the first quarter I watched the beginning of the third quarter to the referee start imposing their will and then I come back in the final two minutes

knowing that you know Seven out of ten times. It's gonna come down to the wire because that keeps people watching and it's a fucking business. All right, I Don't know. I hate to say there's no Santa Claus, but like I've just seen too many I remember Stern saying you know, what's what's your dream final? And he's like the Lakers versus the Lakers and that doesn't mean he's a Laker fan It just meant they got the best ratings and that makes me the most money You know, I remember hearing a particular player Asked them what happened in that series and he said we didn't fit the NBA script this year. I

Remember they had a mobbed up ref which this was outside the NBA That's another thing too is there's inherent leaks in the dam over in the end of NBA I believe because of the level of power that an NBA ref has it was inevitable that the mob was gonna get in the ear of some Referee and the fact that they did the Lee Harvey Oswalt on him and they just did the lone gunman magic bullet bullshit I've said this since this shit happened if you were on an Officiating crew and one of the guys on your crew was fixing games. How fucking long would it take you to figure that out? I'm saying by the second quarter in the second game You'd be pulling me aside going Bill. What the fuck what you all right, dude?

You're going through some shit in your personal life like what's going on here? I Don't that's just that's just my opinion. So I'm not saying That the best teams don't fucking win. I'm just saying that I feel it feels like a show to me more so than any other Sport you know where I feel like you know hockey's a fucking free for all Yeah, I just feel like the rest of them they you know they the star players get the calls That's sort of straight across the board, but basketball is the only one I watch where I'm like Okay, they're calling it tight now. They're letting them play now. They'll now they're calling it tight again. It's just like they it's I

Don't know. It's I don't know Call me nuts. Call me a fucking I mean I remember when I said it was fixed in the 2000s and everybody looked at me like I was a lunatic But I was also you know talking about the Federal Reserve and all kinds of other shit And I remember when that guy got busted and I went down to the cellar thinking I was gonna be vindicated and everybody was just well You know it's just one guy. They literally just say You know They just say what they heard on TV. It was just like, you know, they have weapons of mass destruction and and everybody's like

And then they couldn't find it and and they were like, oh, it's a liberation and then people It was just one guy Whatever that's my That's my shit like I I was so upset watching that game yesterday I was just like, I'm not fucking doing this again and I literally Walked out and I and I went back in enough to see that time when that guy on the heat took that off balance shot and after the ball was released like Jason Tatum touched the side of his hip hip the way you would high five a baby

And the guy called blew the whistle and I think he blew the whistle because Tatum was near him and the guy was all off balance And he was like that shit ain't going in and then it fucking went in he's oh even better and one Let's make it closer. I think they have these little fucking wires on them the referees in The commissioner when it's getting too fucking crazy. He zaps them, you know, like how they train like a shelter dog And then their fucking arm goes up All right, I'm getting a little crazy. All right, I am getting a little crazy, but I really do believe that the NBA is Massaged I'm not saying it's fixed, but it's definitely There's there's you know the scenario that they're looking for if it was fixed though

It really was fixed. I don't think the Spurs win all those championships because they weren't What the NBA would call an exciting team for the casual fan. I love the fucking Spurs. I Love the discipline team like that. I love the fucking You know a guy turn around jump her off the glass. I love that shit, right? But I just feel like you know in a defense of the NBA. I think all sports in general out of greed have really Tried to ramp up the offense. It's not necessarily just out of Greed it's also out of the fact that there's now Netflix and the internet and video games and all of this Internet porn all of this shit that people don't want cord cutters and all that so they have to just make

It's got to be like Like I think that chiefs bills game in the playoffs last year is what the fuck they're looking for Every game and I was really astounded by the amount of people that called themselves football fans that enjoyed that game. I'm like Oh, so you just like to see scoring and like no like the most the worst fucking defense you've ever seen in life So you're not a fan of the fucking You know the steel curtain the doomsday defense the orange crush the soul patrol the purple people leaders back when defense Defenses don't have fucking nicknames anymore Then it all became the three-headed monster the greatest show on turf

The fucking three amigos and all of this shit. It just became all about offenses never used to have the running gun They just slowly they started taking over You know, I just realized I Should be sitting in a chair right now with old man slippers on in a blanket over my legs going like So I'll take that from you guys, alright, I am an old man, but I'm you know, I'm gonna watch the finals or whatever now Here's what I think about the final All right, I feel like the Celtics are like a mid-season replacement You know what I mean? They have like, you know, they have a couple of nice ideas out there

But you know, we have our Jennifer Aniston's and Courtney Cox, you know, but we don't have we don't have a good villain You know, you got to have the cutie pie stars But you need a good villain and I feel like the Golden State Warriors they have their Jennifer Aniston and then they have they have their bad guys You know, so I think that that's why they've made it to syndication over the last like seven years I think that's what that's why the network of NBA keeps greenlighting them To go to the finals where I feel like the Celtics You know, they're like a draft away on the script Before they feel like they can make some money off of these guys. I don't know we shall see

Now here's the deal if they just let them play They just let them play and these fucking refs don't impose their will That's another thing too like name a sport any other sport where the officiating crew literally dictates the tempo of the game Speed it up slowing it down and all of that shit And look, I understand like in hockey they got to do something, you know, if it's getting too fucking violent They have to do something I get that I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about You know tension and release You know pulling back on the fucking range to make sure, you know

All right, Bill, I think you've made your point. Okay. All right, whatever You know blame it blame it on the espresso it's just how I feel but here's here's a go if if Celtics and the Warriors just play I Don't think that this is gonna be This is either gonna be the Warriors are just gonna destroy us or The Celtics are gonna win and if the Celtics win, it's going seven and I don't know enough about hoop Admittedly I know enough to know that something's going on but like

If we can deem up I Think it's gonna take seven games for us to beat them, but they've been there before a bunch of times and I think they could easily just steamroll us But I think if we just get a victory early Get a little confidence and we drag them into the deep water. I don't think That they're built to go seven And I can say this as a

54 year old almost 54 year old white guy who can barely hit a layup. That's my prediction That's my tail of the tape As a guy, I'll tell you know, it's fucking underrated going for a stroll Fuck this working out shit Just taking a walk Just being with yourself You know Talking to yourself to people in your life. There's nothing better when you're talking about when you're having an argument with someone in your life

That isn't there. I mean You're gonna win, right Just walking down the street, you know, and you get so into it You don't notice people walking by and they're just staring at you and you're over there whispering and another thing I'll tell you what the fuck else I'm sick of. Okay, and you think I'm hand-on taking this shit You got another fucking thing coming. Okay, cuz I don't know who the fuck you think I am Okay, cuz I'm not the one, you know, you try to fucking do the white guy head roll there because you watch reality TV Anyway, can I read some advertising here for you

Thank you to all the troops out there, man Doing all whatever it is that they have you doing right now. I Love talking to troops, man. They're fucking fun people You know, it's funny like people who aren't troops when they're on TV the way they talk to them It's the same way they talk about firemen, you know, these heroes are out there Protecting your lives and all that And then when I meet firemen, I'm just like, all right, tell the truth to when you're not out there Taking a cat out of a tree you're smoking cigars and fucking hookers, right?

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the rest of the story on Paul Harvey Good day Right and then it would cut to Joe Green in the BZ copter Live above the tanks talking about the backup on the Southeast Expressway. I Remember thinking that's the coolest fucking job ever to be Joe Green in the BZ copter Conquered experience. All right, this is gonna be this is gonna be some some Questions from the listeners. Oh, look at this Billy in the sky with diamonds But up up a do a long time listener first time writer

You know bill when I was younger not even 20. I knew a man named BJ that flew on the Concord. Oh Wow, this is I was talking about I always wanted to fly From, you know JFK in New York to Paris on the Concord, you know, just feeling like Roger Moore The fucking white tuxedo, you can't be classy like Sean Conner. You got to be a little loud I like Roger. Roger Moore was a little louder Little more cheeky as they say over there fucking England I knew a man named BJ that flew on the Concord He was an insurance salesman who cut his teeth as a b-42 bomber crewman

During World War two when he was my age. Holy shit. I Mean if that's not the skit one of the scariest fucking jobs ever He was also dressed to the nines and was very amiable a good soul. I Wish I had that. I wish I was a classy older guy You know one of those people that could wear a sport coat and a pocket square and not look like he's trying too hard You know, unfortunately most people for my generation at least that the people that I hang out with Yeah, they all dress like it's the first day of school in eighth grade You know what I mean? They got like a hoodie. They got a you know

Brand-new Yankee hat a red socks hat that you got to have the official one, right? And then you got a pair like, you know clean basketball sneakers and you can't tell them That they don't look good All right, all of these guys that I know Versey Yanis, I mean they they like Yanis pop like that when they when they get a new pair of sneakers one of my favorite things Because I love those guys, you know when you when you love people you want to see him happy. There's no nothing better Then seeing Paul Versey

Get a new fucking like Yankee fitted and a new pair of fucking sneakers. I'm telling you When Paul Versey gets that on he's suddenly five eight and a half Anyway, he gained a passion for aviation from his time going back to the thing here in the service I commend that guy if I was in a plane and people were fucking shooting at me and all my friends You know weren't coming back and everything I would think you know some I think I'm gonna stay on the ground Anyway and was fascinated by the progression of that technology He got to fly in the Concorde a few times because he was rich and he loved telling me about it the luxury The feeling of takeoff and the power of the engines those were Rolls-Royce engines. I believe

It truly must have seemed like an alien technology to him My mother told me stories about my grandfather who was a radio operator for the merchant marines during the war and his excitement Over the new portable transistor radios. It must have been an incredible time to be alive He gave me a few VHS tapes on planes and the Concorde itself It still sits on my shelf as a memento. It's truly it truly was an amazing plane Well, first of all, I got to tell you something man that guy is the old man that I want to be dressed to the nine still doing cool shit and then like Telling stories to younger people that makes them want to learn about stuff and then become a cool old guy

um That's a big like Thing for me. Oh speaking of which, you know what I didn't tell you guys I went to the whiskey last Thursday night and For the first time since 1988. I saw death leopard live But the first time I saw him was in Reynolds Coliseum in North Carolina I had like third row and I was standing between Rick Savage and The lake rate Steve Clark, right? Is that his name? I don't know. I'm going way back in the bank here

And they put on this amazing amazing show and That was the hysteria tour so I had not seen them in 34 years, right and So they were having an album release party. I downloaded their new album. You should check it out, man It's a fucking good album and what I loved when they came out on stage was they all look great And they were all having a great time And I learned a lot just from watching that, you know what I mean? Like sometimes, you know, I go out and I still go see those bands, you know from when I was a kid And when you go out and the band's not having fun anymore

It just becomes like really depressing And it makes you feel it makes me feel about my own mortality and I start thinking oh man You know these guys are 10 years older than me. How much time did they have left? How much time do I have left and you just feel awful? But when you go out and see a band like death leopard, it's the exact opposite You don't think about your mortality. They like remind you to go out and live You know because there's a lot of people they they fucking quit man. They quit. I swear to they quit early 20s 30s They just quit. It's like they're serving out a fucking sentence

Waiting for some pension. I don't know what but They came out and they they opened with one of their new songs And I really liked it I forget the name of it and they played two new ones. They played this other one kicked that I really liked And they had this great chorus that seemed like a really good gonna be a really good single on when they do the for the crowd when they do the The baseball stadium tour Um

And they just went out and they killed it. They played a tight set and they did uh They did uh, it was for serious xm. It was like simultaneously cast or whatever and what I love was joe elliot he's singing better than he's ever sung and he uh He was really funny So in between songs, I remember when they played like the last song And he was just I can't do the english accent. So forgive me. He was just like, right This is the part where we usually walk off stage and hopefully you'd keep clapping

So we come back for the encore, but you know, it's Tawny little space here. So why don't you just act like we fucked off and now we're back And just clap for us and we'll And everybody's like it was just really cool he had that uh older englishman like Funny gentleman vibe man. He's just really cool, dude and um

It was also great You know just watching phil calling and vivian camel shredding on guitar and uh I remember watching I was just like I fucking missed this I remember that going to concerts and just watching those guys going up and down the neck like fucking wizards and um I was also watching that drummer obviously in his left leg the whole time was like dancing around back there

And I always knew like, you know, when he first came back after his injury That one of those that he was playing the snare now rather than with his left arm He was playing it with his left foot But he had a bunch of pedals back there And he was playing The fills perfectly That he played when he had two arms So I was like, how's he doing that because especially one of the fills was like

Like a flam with a kick like back up back Whatever going down the kit And he played the flam perfectly So I'm like because he also had a snare traditionally between his legs And I'm like is he playing a flam between his right hand and his left leg? That's incredible And I actually looked at his setup online his drum tech put it up and it's I think he has Like right in the middle is his snare drum if he moves his foot to the left. I think that's a bass drum

So it's like bass drum snare drum and then the other pedal is a floor tom And then on his his bass drum foot, he has the bass drum and then to the right he has another floor tom And I think he plays like doubles with his right hand doubles with his kicks when he's doing like with this kick foot when he's doing like 16th notes down the top. It's fascinating and the sound sources change So he's kind of like a guitar player where he has to like, you know The drums it's easy like snare drum kick. It's always there with guitar players. It's like, all right, this is a g But where on the neck am I playing the g? It's almost like that. But um, I gotta say, you know for all the troops out there, you know, you're coming back if you have injuries and that type of stuff

I really suggest checking out his setup Um And hearing how amazing that he plays with three limbs and all of that or anybody who sustained an injury I that's what my first thought was like, man, this guy should go to walter reed and inspire people speaking of memorial day

on um That, you know, it's not over like there's still all this fun that you can have and it's really like It kind of reminded me of like, uh, you know, self-taught guitar players out there that play like a, uh They're left-handed and they just picked up a right-handed guitar strung right-handed And they just made it work and they come up with their own shapes to make the chords and stuff like that It's sort of like he reinvented the drum kit, but he's been playing like that for like, I don't know 35 years or so so he's a master at it and He fucking rips what i'm saying is is when molly crew death leopard poison and uh

Joan jet i'll go out this summer. You should definitely check out that tour because uh, you know these guys have like I don't know how many decades of musicianship under their belt and they're gonna fucking kill it So sorry that was a big sidetrack there, but I had to bring it up Um, here we go leave animals the fuck alone Dear billy the wise In response to your statement leave animals the fuck alone. I would like to share this article with you

Please focus your handles your anger towards these nerds who keep fucking with the planet the next time there's a pandemic From all their work in their pussy s lab ps. I love science, but come on Uh gene editing turns fluffy hamsters into aggressive rage monsters Okay, I'm in this is like one of those creature double features. This sounds like one of the movies Gene editing experimenting turns fluffy hamsters into aggressive Mutant rage monsters Oh my god, maybe they can finally beat the fuck out of this I mean they're they're based though those things exist to be like appetizers like hamsters are the sliders

of the food chain Can I get you started with something a mouse a hamster? Uh, a team of scientists in the u.s. Have accidentally created overly aggressive mutant hamsters following a gene editing experiment And they should destroy all of them, but they won't using the controversial CRISPR crisper technology researchers at northwest western university shout out to the big 10 We're examining a hormone called vasopressin and its receptor Av pro la no a v p r o 1a they opted to try and remove the latter from a group of serian hamsters

Serian hamsters, uh jeez, uh, it always goes back to the middle east doesn't it uh with the exception Uh with the expectation it would increase bonding and cooperation between the lovable little critters. Why don't you leave them the fuck alone? That's because av pr 1a is understood to regulate things like teamwork and friendship as well as dominance and bonding This is what they're trying to do. They're trying to make us a bunch of fucking lackeys Their expectation proved to be wrong very wrong. We were all really surprised at the results We were anticipated that if we illuminated vasopressin activity We would reduce both aggression and social communication, but the opposite happened The academics found the adorable bundles of fluff turned into mutant rage monsters

um All they have is videos dude. This looks like a ufc fight You know they're already taking it to the fucking ground if you want to read this it's on metro dot co Dot uk of course it's over in the uk and then i gotta fucking tell us what we're doing over here, right? um Gene edit gene editing turns fluffy hamsters into aggressive rage monsters check that out um insane anyway something badass i own that i am unworthy of

Dear billy uterine lining I don't even know what that means But that is amazing. I'm sure it's insulting and i accept it if it's gonna be that funny uh billy uterine lining I'm missing the the the thing if billy uterine it sounds like something. I never took a fucking health class So I don't know anything About the vagina other than it fucking dominates my life. Um, I have a badass authentic expensive cowboy hat that I don't deserve I'm from philly in boston, but i'm an irish catholic alcoholic cunt

Ah, dude, I got a big place my heart for you. I release who is a black hole of irritability I bought the hat for ha a halloween costume and couldn't go cheap because you know life is a competition and everyone is out to get me Um, I even drove 90 minutes to an authentic western supply store the last time I went to texas everyone was so impossibly nice and well mannered My heart warmed until I grew depressed at how much liquid Cunt runs through my veins In texas a teenager once went well out of his way to hold the door for me and I froze I was so confused I assumed he he wanted me to cast him in something

Follow him on instagram or blow him. Oh you in the business here cast him Blowing people. I mean, that's how you make it in hollywood Um, it'll be all in the book someday. Um, he didn't want any of that Just wanted to be thoughtful of a stranger like a fucking psychopath Uh, someday i'm gonna go to a ranch for a month ride horses And fuck some goats or maybe my cousins or maybe the goat's cousin in order to earn this boss cowboy hat Yeah, dude, you got the fucking irish anger big time the fact you couldn't just say i'm gonna go to a ranch because it spoke to me And brought peace to my heart you got to bring like bestiality into it just so you could you know, so nobody goes

Do you like to ride a horsey you're fucking queer? All that homophobic shit, um Listen just because you were born and lived in boston And philly doesn't mean this, you know, all of us connect to nature. There's nothing wrong you know I I go out there in the middle of fucking nowhere and you know It there's something great about it. It's the same thing Like smoking a cigar by yourself or having a cup of coffee, you know

Without a loud group of people chatting Um, I had a nice cup of coffee by myself this morning you know and um It's a couple lesbians next to me, but they were hot so it didn't bother me. You know what i'm saying kids. Sorry i'm going back to boston um Actually, we're really good looking i'm not gonna lie to you and one of them was going like you know james dean And the other one was the hottie and i was just looking at him

You know in hollywood mode going like if that was like a buddy comedy and they stole a car like i'm in i'm watching that movie Home remedies everybody. Hey billy shivers. Oh, I missed that fall version came up with that billy shivers there I grew up in the 70s and 80s like you You weren't very well off and lived in an old farmhouse from the 1800s. Oh, we weren't Anytime you got sick or hurt. It was two things vix vapor rub. Oh, absolutely and those goddamn cherry sucrets That came in at 10. Yeah, that's what you did. You got the flu vix all over your fucking body Yeah, it was all your chest You know unless your uncle came over and he did a little too much thorough job

And we didn't uh have air conditioning in this old house So you just went to bed smelling like peppermint patties asshole headache sucrets stuffy nose vix and sucrets broken arm cherry fucking sucrets Yeah, that's the truth um Broken arm they put it in a sling Then you got a frozen shoulder and you had a crooked forearm for the rest of your life Anyways Hiccups they suck a home remedy my grandmother would try

Was to take a straw put it in your mouth sideways and bite down on it Like you were getting ready for a civil war amputation Uh, then you take little sips of whatever you want to drink while the straw is in your mouth Probably to just keep your mind busy so you're not thinking about the hiccups, but it works Maybe that's what it is saw you in phoenix. Love the podcast and go stuff a dry umbrella up your ass and open it Jesus christ Good luck with the forthcoming movie. How about that for a visual? um

All right, oh somebody's looking for advice hang on a second hang on a second I gotta use the one and only time I get to not the one and only time man. I got a little windows open here Hey, I got a friend of mine. He likes to open windows Closing windows I wish I knew how to just make it all go away. I know there's a shortcut. Here we go. Okay. Here we go Hey That's me All right, it's advice time everybody advice for a british guy. Hey, oh shit

A little death leopard high and dry Come on, you're gonna tell me you like a dj better than that. I'm sure you do Um, I don't uh, hey billy backblast Uh, I'm a 22 year old guy living in the uk I've never been to the states and I've always wanted to move there Well, why don't you just visit first and see if you like it? He goes. I met a 26 year old lady On xbox. I know xbox. Hear me out. Hear me out. So I randomly joined a group of americans playing red dead red redemption part two

Um, and she joined just after we click pretty much instantly We can laugh about pretty much anything and we have tons in common We both love working out the same tv shows and movies, etc From the first day we started messaging each other through xbox a lot We message on there every day for a month and then started talking on facebook We've grown really close and there's definitely interest from both sides. We talk every day messages and phone calls Oh, you're on the phone calls I'm head over heels for this chick and the distance is obviously an issue

I want to tell her exactly how I feel but i'm worried because it's going to take at least a year or maybe two To be in a position to move. I know it's dumb bill But help a british brother out a british cunt She's one of one of a kind and no one i've ever met is even half the person she is Well, why are you telling me this you should tell it to her i'm visiting her home state november There you go and she's made comments about how I should come and walk her dog while she works and help around the apartment How do I approach the situations? I'll tell you how you do it You keep being cool. You keep talking to her

Don't fucking spill your guts about being in love with her. Whatever you think it is until you meet her and really see that This is true Who knows she might have a goofy walk and it might fuck with your emotions and then all of a sudden you said you Loved with love right there. You got to fucking break up with her You know Take a long flight home. I would I would play you know, I whatever you're doing. I would keep doing He said, how do I approach this situation? I've already been holding it back for months and life is short. What the fuck do I do? P.s. I love afters for family and all your shows. I hope you come to I hope to come to one of your shows sometime

Thanks and go fuck yourself. Um I don't know usually I'm wanting to just say tell her what you're thinking, but you know, there's a little bit of distance here um I don't know I I do whatever you're doing seems to be working. I would just keep doing that and uh You know throw some stuff out there To say, you know, I really look forward to talking to you every day and then she'd be I really look forward talking to you too And you got to read that You know, was she just being nice? Is she we playing the repeat game? I think about your lot. Oh, I think about you too

It's like, okay Can you come up with some original nice shit to say to me instead of just are you just like Being pleasant. I don't know you gotta give me honesty man. I've been out of the game a long time All right I got ice on both knees here. You're talking to a really old guy here. So I would just say keep doing what you're doing and uh I wouldn't you know, because it's distance there. It could get a little weird if you push it too hard It seems like she wants to get to know you better

With you know walking the dog and you're coming to see her. She obviously likes you if she just like liked you You know, she doesn't want you to go walk her dog. You know what I mean? So I think the signals are there But because of the distance, I don't know. I think you just keep like You know Just be fucking cool make her laugh Keep staying in touch. Tell her that you're excited to see her. I would let the big emotions happen face to face You know what I mean?

And uh, you know, if you end up, uh kissing or whatever then I think that's a time to go A little bigger and and Tell her what you're telling me I think it's a little I think it's a little weird via text Or via headset while playing red dead redemption to Going you know, I think I might be falling in love with you. Oh watch out for that come behind the door You know, I wouldn't be doing it while you're playing a video game

Um other than that, I don't know how love works in 2022. All right, but I'm rooting for you Okay, both in the video game and in life. All right, that's it everybody Uh, thanks for listening. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy your memorial day, which it's already half over or three quarters over Um, and don't get any arguments today. All right, have some burgers have some hot dogs You know Say a prayer for the troops all the troops around the world anybody who has to fight in a fucking war You know what I mean? You got to do that because at the end of the day if you're just like me and you just play drums

And you get excited about a double shot of espresso, you know You're not a hero I don't care what they call you You're not all right. So tip your cap to the people that deserve it All right, chew your fucking food because you don't want to choke to death in the room in the party All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on thursday