Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-15

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Bill rambles about the silly socks, missing a leg and the Wild Wings of Buffalo.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for May 3rd, 2015. What's going on? How's it going? How fucking are you? I'm fucking wiped out. The tour is over. The tour is over. Michael Corleone, Godfather part 2. Over. The summer wind, it came blowing in from across that sea. So I feel like right now, because it's over. In Lingardale, to touch your hair, and motherfucking walk with me. All summer long, boo-doop. We sang a song, boo-doop. And then we did some other shit ba-do-ba-dam-bad-yee-boo-boo. Old Freckles is going back to his fucking house. His fucking house with the leaky roof that he had to repair. Ba-boo-ba-boo-be-dee-boo. Those fucking cunts.

Those contracting cunts. Oh, Jesus. I still have one more bill with them. It goes on and on. So call Adam Corolla. He'll kick their ass. But then you look like a sap on TV. Ba-dee-ba-doop, because you're the douchebag that had to call Adam Corolla, because you're not big enough of a man to tell the contractor, go fuck himself. Jesus Christ. Anyways, I'm fucking wiped out. All right? I don't know what you want from me this week, but this is the best it's going to get. All right? This is going to be me just nice and fucking relaxed. I am right now, I am in, I don't even know where I am. I think I'm in Columbia, Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Bill. What the fuck are you doing there? That wasn't on the tour. That

wasn't on your Southern tour. You know, Southern tour, you know, Savannah, Georgia, Knoxville, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Memphis, Tennessee, Shreveport, Louisiana, Darlin's, Louisiana, Huntsville, Alabama, Jackson, Mississippi, Mobile, Alabama, Spandana, Chattanooga, Tennessee, up to Lexington, Kentucky, over to Evansville, Indiana. There was nothing on there that said that you were going to Columbus, Indiana. Well, I mean, I ended up here because yesterday I went to the, to the Kentucky Derby, me, Paul Verzi, Jason Lawhead and his dad, the Hall of Fame basketball coach, Jim Lawhead. We all went to the game, the game. We went to the Derby, man. What a fucking great time. I highly suggest going that, dressing

like a jackass, like everybody does, big stupid hats, bow ties, the women there. Good Lord. There's some fucking Phillies over there. Beautiful women, beautiful women. I'll tell you, they, the fucking women, the fucking ladies, dude, they were crushing it right up until our early fifties. I'm telling you, some fucking decades, decades of fucking Derby winners, winners walking around the fucking, the grandstand area. We had great seats and right at the, a little bit past the finish line, we just had the best time. You know, it was fucked up was they, they sold, I don't know how to get into this man. They were selling like standing room only seats, all right? So we paid through the fucking nose to sit in a box, right? Like

we donated to a presidential campaign. We were sitting right at the goddamn finish line, little past it, little past it, whatever, don't break my balls. Come on. You can see the horses. Where we were at, you could actually see them, started the race, ran right by us, then they went around the first turn and then they kind of disappeared behind some of these corporate tents in the sea of fucking sunburned humanity that was standing, just standing on the inside grass, which I don't know why you would do that. You know what I mean? I mean, why, why wouldn't you stay at home and just watch it on TV and not sit there like a bunch of fucking refugees in a tent city that had no tent for you? You know, you might as well have watched

that. Watch a police horse gallop by after a crackhead underneath the fucking overpass. As far as I'm concerned, all right? Infield seats are for fucking animals. All right. Unless you're young, you don't have any fucking money. All right. You have a television. It's on TV for fucking free. Why are you going to stand there? Although I would do it. I do it in a NASCAR race. I do that in a second. I'd be on the infield because those, you know, first of all, what I like about being on the infield is the fucking inertia when those fucking cars wipe out usually takes them to the outside wall. And I know sometimes they bang off the outside wall and they go to the inside, but at least they hit the wall and they're starting to slow down. You know what I mean? And you know,

every once in a while, a tire flies off and somebody loses a head or two, but that's the price you pay for getting to sit on your fucking cooler in the middle of the goddamn track. I actually had one of the best times I ever had. I went to the Indy 500 in like 1995. And most of you were like eight years old. And we sat on the inside of one of the turns, brought in this giant fucking cooler. And me and my two buddies just got obliterated, you know, watching the fucking cars go by. It's hilarious. You don't see anything. You just sit on the inside of the turn. You just hear my voice is fucked up. That's all you would hear. You just see him go by, right? Every once in a while, somebody would hit

the wall in front of you like, Oh my God, I'm gonna see an accident, but you forgot they're going like 200 something miles an hour. So they hit the wall in front of you and then just go, they just go flying down the fucking track. So you don't really see it. You see him hit the wall. And then they continue like another quarter mile in about two seconds, but it is amazing. But anyway, so we got there and they were selling standing room tickets. I get it. People want to stand up, you know, get in there to watch the fucking thing. So there's the level where sitting and then there's this giant like, you know, walkway, and then there's the next section. All right. And so basically, the people should have stood in that middle section where you're walking to either make a

left to go to the higher seats or make a right to go down where we were at. And where we were at, there was two sections. And there was like a in a little skinny hallway. So these fucking assholes were walking down and they were standing up there. Right. And you know, all they had was these volunteer teenage kids, you know, sitting at chewing gum, not stopping them. So it got to the point after a couple of races and who's kid and who, a couple of fucking men, Juleps that people start going, what the fuck? But everybody's there is polite, you know what I mean? Still Kentucky. How y'all doing? I fucking hate your guts, but I'm going to smile on your face. You know what I'm saying? Afterwards, you know, I'll fucking I'll stick a fucking some sort of farming tool in the

back of your goddamn neck. But right now I'm gonna, how y'all doing? Oh, that's great. Where are you from? Where y'all from? Now I didn't get that experience in Kentucky. They were cool as shit, but whatever. So finally, we end up saying something, you know, lawhead's dad fucking taps this guy in the shoulder. And he's like, excuse me, sir, you know, we paid to sit here, you guys are standing up here. I don't know what happened. All I know is it started getting heated. And I saw where Jake Jay got his fire from. So now, you know, lawhead and versey aren't there. So I got to step in. Granted, this is the funny thing. I got to step in dress like fucking Colonel Sanders, right? Or at the very least that I played banjo in a

Dixieland band, got on a fucking bow tie with the goddamn, you know, my dad owned a plantation hat and I come in, you know, I didn't even come in. I never even got out of my seat. I just started john at this guy. I got yelled and I go, buddy, I paid to sit in this seat and I'm staring at the back of your head. So he looks over me goes, what'd you say? I said, I paid to sit in this seat and I'm staring at the back of the head, your head. And he goes, oh, yeah, how do you like the view? I go, I don't like it. That's why we're having this conversation. Right. And very quickly, I realized that he wasn't going to throw a punch and throw a punch at the dirt and I'm not going to throw a punch, right? I'm not going to throw a fucking punch since like a street hockey game

and like fucking seventh grade, right? So with john back and forth, right? And he's fucking, you know, he's broad saying something. I don't listen to her. I can't hear that voice. It's too fucking high up in the strategy. Shut up, lady. So I said, Hey, he goes, what are you getting involved? Because you're yelling at a 77 year old, I said, 80 year old man, I rounded up. Go yelling an 80 year old man. He goes, oh, I wasn't yelling 80 year old man. I go, really, that wasn't you. That looked like you two seconds ago doing that. You know, whatever. And then the fucking woman, you know, you know, he was, you know, that 80 year old man verbally attacked him every fucking douche, you know, verbally attacked him. He's fucking 80. What's he going to do?

You know what I mean? Although you got to watch out for an 80 year old, you know, very least maybe fought in Korea, you know, hand to hand combat, you don't know what flashback could come back next thing, you know, right? He's using his fucking racing form as a bayonet. You have some problems. So of course me, you know, everybody's dressed all dapper and everything. Then I feel like a fucking asshole afterwards. Everything settled down in this, this guy who wasn't involved in the fight, but was also standing up with his fucking girlfriend. And he had his hand not on our ass like under it. And she kept moving it. Like, can you stop? Like, tap in the back of my pussy with the middle of your finger, please.

He actually looks over me and he goes, Hey, Bill, big fan. I feel like such an asshole. I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm not just this fucking asshole anymore yelling at a game. They're like, Oh yeah, Bill Burr was a fucking asshole. Ah, it's fucking hilarious. And then I felt all self conscious like, Eh, is that gonna end up on YouTube? And not that I gave a shit about what I said. It was that I was dressed like a fucking, you know, like I had a chicken franchise. That's the thing I was worried about. So anyways, so that happens. But so basically we kind of did that. And we kind of scared a lot of people away. And then I was kind of, you know, afterwards sobering up, you know, because I was

like, you know, I got to stay sober because I got to watch game seven of the Clippers and the Spurs. And then I got to watch the Pac Manny Pacquiao fight, right? Mayweather Pacquiao fight, right? So anyways, I'm starting to sober up. But I just started thinking like, Ah, man, you know, I shouldn't have fucking done that. We both should have handled that situation better. There should have been some excuse means if you don't mind and shit like that. And I was thinking about it. And then somebody finally was just talking to me about the Derby. This lady, she goes, Ah, who's kidding? This is just a really well-dressed shit show. And I laugh because I was kind of sitting there fighting the feeling that as fancy as this was, as legendary as all

this is this event, at the end of the day, you just kind of go into the track. You know what I mean? This is really, we're just betting on the dogs, whatever their horses, you know? But anyways, so whatever, we start betting races. And of course I'm losing, of course I'm losing the fucking track has been open for over 140 fucking years, 141 runnings of that race. Okay, you don't stay open by fucking paying out people. So, you know, I'm losing and I'm losing and I find just, ah, fuck it, I'll just bet on the Derby race. A lot of people don't know this. The races started 1030 and they run them on the dirt track and there's a grass track, a little short track. They just, you know, they'll run like six horses. And if you thought it was funny as if you're on

the other side of the track, you can't even see the goddamn race. You just got to watch it on TV, which once again, he's sitting there fucking getting sunburned, right? Like he came to this country in a raft 20 minutes ago, hoping to get your fucking Truman rights, 20 Montana reference. So anyways, you know, I just let all those ones go and I went and I bet the Derby race and I just picked three favorites, just trying to win some money, picked three favorites, bet them across the board. Two of them came in and I think I, what did I do? I think I lost like 25 bucks on the day. And I was down like 50 or 60 bucks. And in the end I won like 30 something. Yeah, something like that, but whatever. It was a fucking awesome time. I would definitely do it again.

I would say if you go to the Derby race, that's actually, that's a great thing to bring you a fucking lady to because it's a sporting event. You get to gamble, right? You dress up. She dresses up. They like dressing up, right? They look, they like the fucking horses, right? Who doesn't like animals? You know, it doesn't like animals, fucking animals. Animals don't like animals, right? They don't. They're self-loathing. How much, you know, they're always talking about, you know, how, what fucking animals that human beings act like. What about the animals? The reference, you know, you don't go on in those woods, in those jungles, you know, it goes on murder every fucking day, every goddamn day. They're out there fucking murdering people. That's how they get their food.

You know, they murder one another. I mean, I'm actually presenting the Southern argument, basically supporting hunting. I tell you what, man, if we didn't shoot them, they just fucking eat each other. So what's the point? I'm hungry too. Motherfucker, what am I supposed to do? Eat you? Are you supposed to eat you? Oh, one of the great heckles I ever got. I owe somebody apology in Evansville, Indiana. The fun thing about when people text during your show is like, you know, I always have the crowd, like I can see the first few rows or whatever, but then it just kind of goes black. So if somebody starts texting, their whole face lights up when they're up there, so you can see it. So I always freak people out. It'll be in the middle of my act. And I'll just

see this light like 40 rows up, but I'll just point right at them and I go texting, you know, and I do this little rift about the person dying of thumb cancer because they can't put their phone down, right? So, so whatever, in the middle of my show in Evansville, I'm having a great fucking time. It's the last night at the tour, you know, we're going to go fuck. I still haven't explained why I'm in Columbus, Indiana. I'll explain that a little bit, right? So I'm going to get wine in it down, get towards the end of my act. And this person's, I see this person's face light up, 40 fucking rows up. And I go texting and I start doing my little riff about thumb cancer. And the guy ends up going, he yells out after I finished it, my whole lungs soliloquy about

this person texting, right? And he goes, he just yells out, I was taking your picture, you fucking dick. And I forget what I said to him, but I was wrong. It's like, all right, you just, and I go, well, you're not supposed to, I'm going to hang out after the show. You can do it then. I kind of wear my way out of it instead of being like, Oh, you know what, sir? I was wrong. I thought you were texting, you were actually taking my picture, meaning you obviously were having a good time with the show. I was in the wrong IO unapology. I'm sorry. Instead, I just said, well, you're not supposed to. And that was like two, two days ago. I just keep thinking of that. That's been making me laugh for two days. You know, like when somebody just says something that just strikes you as funny,

like for two days, it just keeps popping in your head. You know what I mean? And people think you're weird because you just burst out laughing out of nowhere. I've been doing that for two days. I just went over to a waffle house. I'm on the road, cut me some slack, right? And I fucking go over there. I'm in the middle. I'm sitting at the counter. You know, it's like elbow to elbow because it's a Sunday here when I'm recording this. And I'm sitting next to this fucking guy and out of nowhere, I, you know, I didn't know what I was doing. I think I already ordered my stupid dinner, my breakfast and I just heard this guy's voice, taking your picture, you fucking dick. I just burst it out laughing and I kind of weirded out the guy next to me like, why is this guy laughing?

Is he laughing at me? Is he a fucking problem here? What? So I apologize to that guy. You were right. I was wrong. And then also I want to thank you for probably, you know, I don't think you're sitting around still laughing at my act. You've making me laugh for 48 hours. I'm sure you weren't laughing at my act after I trashed you for texting. You took it. You took it really personally. I'm taking your picture, you fucking dick. That was great. Don't do that in Alabama. Don't say that in Alabama. I'm taking your picture, you fucking dick. And then my other favorite one was, was in Mobile. I was doing some bit about something dumb that I did. I said, can you believe that? What the fuck would I do

that? And here this guy go, fucking dumb ass. Needless to say, oh, freckles had a great time. I didn't even talk about Louisville, Kentucky, man. We had, oh shit. So glad I didn't forget. Oh, let me, let me do the Columbus thing. Fucking ADD kicking in here. How I ended up in Columbus, Indiana is basically because all the hotels anywhere near Louisville are sold out. And we laid, I mean, I got the tickets and I waited till last second to get a fucking room. So we had like a 75 mile round trip drive. And, you know, we all kicked in for a car service. You know, it wasn't that bad at the end of the day. And it was great door to door service so we could get all liquid. So anyways, one of the coolest things ever, okay? So we're going to

Lexington, Kentucky. And as I mentioned slash threatened that I was possibly considering when I was in Lexington, Kentucky, wearing my Kentucky Derby outfit on stage. And which was basically a seersucker suit with a pink and baby blue bow tie with silly Canadians fan fucking socks to match. I got, I owe the apology to the Habs fan too. I like silly socks. Who knew a Bruins fan? I got to admit silly socks are fun. And you know who likes them? The fucking ladies. Oh, look at those those are cute. Had I known back when I was a single man, I'll tell you right now, if you're in a dry spell right now and you're not fucking getting pussy, I'm telling you, I'm sorry to be graphic ladies, fucking go get yourself some silly socks and just stick your foot on

something that's a little higher than your other foot and you'll show it off and they'll come walking up to you. They'll strike it up. Women cannot resist a fashion statement. I'm telling you, there's something about not all of them, but I'm telling you, there's something about it. Now I understand those Frenchies and why they have those fucking menage toise. It's not because they're they're more schooled in the language of love. It's those fucking socks, which is smart, right? You get them looking down at your ankles because you don't have deodorant in your fucking armpits. Oh, Jesus, Bill, what is wrong with you? Oh, fuck you, you fill an hour every fucking week. Anyways, oh, okay, I'll tell you the Lexington story right after these messages here and I don't

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So I'll actually come back out of the advertising and give you the Lexington story. So here you go. So I'm sitting and I'm getting ready for the show and I'm ironing my regular shirt and everything and I'm thinking, I should wear the Kentucky Derby outfit. Then I'm thinking, what if they don't like it? And then I'm standing there. I look stupid. And then I was just like, yeah, don't be a pussy. Put the fucking thing on. So I put the whole thing on, right? And I'm standing backstage and I'm waiting to go on. After Verzi and Lawhead killed it. Lawhead's hosting. So he's about ready to bring me up. And for the first time, since I can remember, I was actually a little nervous just walking out

to do a regular show, you know, you know, if it's fucking special or something like that, you always get the butterflies. And I was actually nervous. So he introduced, please welcome Bill Burr. So I come walking out and everybody's clapping. And as they're clapping, they're taking in what the fuck I'm wearing, right? And they went fucking nuts. They all stood up. It was one, I got to tell you, I got to thank people next thing that it's, that's the coolest round of applause I ever got in my life. I've never heard a crowd cheer like that. It was a different thing. It wasn't that was funny or I relate to that. That was, I can't explain it. Like it was, it was, it made the fucking tour really made the tour and then it was

funny. Now I'm standing there. I got this outfit on and then it dies down. I go into my act and then it just became even funnier. Like, oh, he's just going to do his act dressed like, like he's competing with Popeye's chicken here. And I toughed it out for a good 10 minutes before I finally had to take the hat off. I'm like, you guys, I got to tell you, this, this seemed like a great idea 90 seconds ago, but this fucking thing is hot as hell under these lights. So I ended up taking off the hat. But anyways, we ended up hanging out in Lexington, Kentucky. And it was it was just ridiculously polite people. We were right on the camp, campus of the Kentucky Wildcats. And I mean, it wasn't just me, even Lawhead and Verzi were both just really blown away at how great

the people were in Kentucky, you know, just really, really just nice, polite, smart people. We were right there on the fucking campus or whatever. What do you say? We weren't smart and intelligent, you fucking dick. And Evansville, I'm just saying, you know, it was a different vibe. Each one had a different vibe. Like I liked Evansville and everyone was shitting on Evansville saying what a shithole it was. And I don't know, I just have a different perspective living in a state that is running out of water, you know, that is overly populated living in a city that's actually a desert. But for some reason doesn't look like it because we steal the water and everybody freaking the fuck out like Captain Kirk. They're actually having the balls to say

that Seattle has too much water. It's like, Oh, really? Oh, did nature fuck that up? Did God put the water in the wrong place? Shatney? I'm Bill Shatney. Oh, Billy Shat. It's like, no, we've been stealing the water. At some point, the check was going to hit the table, right? It's time to pay up. Who knows what's going to happen? Do you realize I just fucking put in one of the great bathrooms of all time in Los Angeles and it might not have a drop coming out of the spicket. Whose fault is that? I knew it was a desert. You know, you got to know when to hold them. Know when not to build a bathroom, especially when you live in a desert that steals some water. Don't act like a victim, even though you're a captain of a spaceship. That was a long fucking

time ago and that spaceship wasn't real. Um, sorry. Anyways, um, so, so we go to the derby, the derby ends. Now we're driving back. You know, everybody's starting to nod off or whatever. And we fucking get back here to Columbia, Indiana. And we're all excited because we're going to go watch the Mayweather Pacquiao fight. We're going to watch game seven and then we're going to Mayweather Pacquiao fight. Oh, by the way, I was wrong about the, uh, my Red Wings pick. Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Lightning for closing out that series. And then I also said that the Spurs were going to beat, uh, the Clippers. I said the Spurs. Once the Clippers lost game two, I was like, that fucking series is over. It's the Clippers. They don't have an in them.

The Spurs know how to win. It's the first round. They're going to fucking get past them. Shows you what the fuck I know. Once again, shows you what the fuck I know, which also begs the question, why the fuck are you still listening to this? We ended up going into, uh, the Buffalo Wild Wings up the street. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The Buffalo Wild Wings and, uh, turns out they don't have the fight. We're like, what do you mean you don't have the fight? It's the biggest fucking fight of the last 10 goddamn years in boxing. How do you not have the fight? Mr. Wild Wings. Can I call you Buffalo? Hey, Buffy, why don't you have the fucking fight, right?

Well, we walk in there and within two seconds, we realize why they don't have the fight because it's an absolute shit show. We walked into that fucking place, the Buffalo Wild Wings. And they had game seven up on the big screen. They had two big screens. So up in the big screen, they have game seven of the spurs and the clippers. And next to it, they have another big screen. And on that, they have some replay of a golf tournament. And for whatever fucking reason, when we walked in, the volume was up on the golf tournament to like, like spinal tap 11. I've never heard golf commentary that loud in my life. And meanwhile the spurs, it was already the third quarter. It was just to start coming out of this, coming out of the half. It was like

54, 52, something crazy like that. So I guess it was, you know, you know, quarter in mid, mid third quarter, right? And we're sitting there. Lawhead's immediately beside himself. Lawhead used to manage a fucking restaurant. So we always walk in, we get him going, we go, Jake, could you manage this? Verzi always does this. Hey, Jake, could you manage this place? And he goes, okay, right now, I'll tell you right now, she'd be fired. And he just starts firing half the staff. It's just this fucking running joke. And we asked him about this place. He said, well, how would you manage this place? He said, I'd board it up and shut it down. Called the fucking regional manager and say, we got to start over again.

So we say to the waitress, can we put the game seven basketball fan on or these, you guys really into golf here? And she kind of laughs and yeah, I don't know why the volume's up on that either. So they switch it over to the game. And we were watching the game still beside ourselves that a Buffalo Wild Wings for as much as you watch their commercials, like this is the place to go to watch the game. Everybody with their tall fucking slender, hoary looking glasses, drinking the blue moon with the orange in it, right? Having the best fucking time ever, watching the game, telling little petty lies to their friends and their wives and all this shit because it's so great. Isn't that also the one where you get to hit pause so you can

just make this amazing experience continue even longer? I'll tell you right now, man, our experience at the Buffalo Wild Wings, Applebee's could talk shit to Buffalo Wild Wings. And you know, when you go to an Applebee's to watch a game, you're watching that on a square kitchen TV, all right? That's stuck up next to some fake brick, you know, as they bring in one of those hot skillets of some shit that they think is fancy, all right? Those poor people. Nobody in Applebee's has progressed beyond the seventh grade. And that's a fact. That's actually one of the requirements to manage an Applebee's. Okay, your grades have to take a major dip in the seventh grade, lost all hope by the 10th grade. All right? Anyways, let's plow ahead here.

So anyway, so I'm sitting there going like, wow, it's really fucked up that the Wild Wings of Buffalo. Um, why is domestic chicken wild? Um, so anyways, I actually went to look up, you know, I don't know, I was just reading on the, uh, the packet. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what the fuck am I talking about? So the fucking clip is ended up beating the spurs in one of the great games I've seen in basketball in a while and great series. God knows the only reason why I watched it because I was hanging out with Verzien Lawhead. I've missed all the hockey, as you can tell. I know Tampa Bay's up, uh, one game to none on the Habs. I know the Rangers are up to nothing on the capitals. I think the Ducks won their first game and I don't know

what's going on with Chicago. Oh, Bill, you could have looked it up for the podcast. Hey, you know what you could do? You could go fuck yourself. You could do a tofu. Maybe if I fuck this up, it makes you feel good because you get to correct me on Twitter. Um, anyway, so I ended up, we came back. I crash and Verzi texts me like two hours later and says, I guess the, uh, the Mayweather Pacquiao fight was a shit show. It was boring as shit and blah, blah, blah. What people were basically saying. And, um, so I was kind of looking it up today to see what the deal was. And, you know, basically boxing purists or at this point, people who actually watch boxing were saying that it was a great fight and that Mayweather once again put on an absolute clinic.

And if you actually knew your ass from a fucking hole in the ground, when it came to boxing, you would have actually been able to see that and you wouldn't have been piss moaning and complaining that it was boring. You know, which I understand, because I know when I watch UFC, which I don't know a lot about, but I watch it on TV and Rogan's always describing all the guys going for a Camaro. He's going for this and going for that. The crowd after a while starts to boo when they're laying on the ground because they think it's boring. But, you know, in defense of those fans, when you're sitting 200 rows up, you can't see what he's going for. All right. Looks like two people cuddling, but they can't quite get comfortable.

They're a new couple. You know what I mean? They're trying to see how the two bodies fit together. So, um, anyways, so I just started reading about the fight to see what happens. I actually had my wife pay for the fight. I'm going to watch it tonight. Um, because at the very least, when I watch it, it makes me want to get in shape. Um, oh, which is a great thing to do, by the way, if you hate skipping rope, tape a fucking championship fight that goes the distance. There you go. All right. Then all you do is you press play. And when they fight, you skip rope. When they sit down, you sit down, and then you keep going. You try to see how many rounds you can go. All right. And as they get tired, you get tired and you feel like you're actually a fighter.

And then the end of it, you realize you just some jerk off in his, in his underwear, skipping rope, right? And it hurts when it hits your toes. Um, all right. So here's how the pay, I've actually looked up some shit. Here's how the pay per view worked out. And I own, I own another apology to the wild wings of Buffalo. God knows if you ever go out to Buffalo, you got to watch out for the, for the, not the domesticated chicken. It's the wild chicken. All right. Those fuckers, those fuckers will take you out, man. They'll jump right on the hood of your car and they'll peck through your windshield and there's nothing you can do. One of them goes for the electrical. So you're fucking, you can't start your car. All right. And it's, it's over. It's like one of

those Alfred Hitchcock movies, chickens. Here's how the pay per view worked for, for bars or anybody basically showing it at a commercial level that was going to charge for the many, the Pacquiao and Mayweather fight bars, venues had to pay 25 times their, their fire code, fire code being the maximum amount of people they can be in the establishment. So it's not a fire hazard. So you had to pay 25 times basically being sold out. So basically out of the gate, if the bar charts $25 ahead, they needed to sell out the bar just to break even on what they paid for the fight. This is why boxing is so fucking dumb. Okay. You got a sport that is starting to lose to the UFC or not starting to it has been. And this is what the fuck they do

when they got this great fight to maybe bring the casual fan back, you know, this is what they do. So if you had a bar that was, I've actually worked out the numbers, 250 capacity, right? That's the fire code that would cost you $6,250 to get the fight. Then if you charge 30 bucks ahead, you're trying to make five ahead. If you sold out, you'd make 1250, you got to spend $6,250 to make $1,250. And that's if you fucking sold out. All right. And there's nothing stopping the guy across the street from also having the fight or from people at home going, Hey, why don't we have fucking, you know, five people watch it. It'll cost us 20 bucks ahead. So you're competing with all of that. There's nothing exclusive about this. This isn't like, Hey, you know,

fucking whatever, Justin Bieber, fuck you, we sell tickets is performing at my venue and my venue alone tonight. No, he's across the street. He's fucking everywhere. Right. So boxing, boxing basically said to these bars that we're taking all the money. We're taking all the money from your customers to watch the fight. Okay. And then you take the booze and the food. It was essentially like a door deal that was based on the bar taking responsibility to sell out their own venue. How dumb is that? Like not to mention these two guys should have fought five to seven years ago when they were in their prime. I'm not saying they're not great fighters, not the great fighters of all the fucking time. I'm just saying they should have fought

like in the 2000s, it's 2015. They're finally fucking fighting. I just think, I don't know, boxing is just, it's just a really poorly run fucking sport. And the fact that fighters can dodge one another for so long, I think that that's why you don't have those great fighting divisions anymore. Like when I was growing up, okay, 70s and 80s, when I was a kid and then get into my teenage years, boxing was unbelievable. All right. And what happened with each decade was they would just, you know, the planets aligned and there'd be this ridiculous level of talent in one division. And then that was the division you wanted to watch. And then in the 70s, it was

the heavyweight division. And then in the 80s, it was the middleweight division. And meanwhile, there was all these other divisions that had like Alexis Sarguea and boom, boom, Mancini and all these, these superstars. But I think a guy like, you know, like nowadays, that became the dump. But back then it was just, what was it, the WBA, WBF was all it was. Then it was the WBF and the WBA and the IBF. And that would be like the NFL split into fucking three football leagues. You know, and each one of them had a Super Bowl champion. It fucked the whole thing up. And then all of a sudden the UFC comes along, you got everybody under the one umbrella, and even some of the other groups, like UFC is doing exactly what the NFL and the NBA did. Like

when the, the ABA or the, uh, the AFL came out, the NFL just absorbed that league, the NBA absorbed the ABA, the league was, you know, that upstart league was then over. And then they had just had a monopoly. So then the best football team or the best basketball team has to play the second best one. And then that's the champion. Fucking boxing hasn't been like that forever. So I think that that's why, I think Mayweather suffers because of that. Even though he wouldn't, probably wouldn't be undefeated. Cause who's a kid who have Mayweather fought back in that division when Hagler, Hearns, Ray Leonard, Durand, all of those guys had losses because they all had to fucking fight each other. And nowadays it's like, you know, fucking, you watch Mayweather

and Pacquiao for fucking seven years before they finally fucking fight. I know a lot of you guys and say, Bill, you don't know shit about fighting. I admit that. Okay. But if you want to survive as a fucking league or as a division or whatever the fuck your sport is, you got to get the asshole like me to buy the fight. The casual fan who says dumb shit and the person who actually watches it sits there and rolls their eye. I know the feeling. I go to Superbowl parties, right? I just don't understand why the fuck they're doing that because boxing is such an unbelievable sport. The only thing that does bug me about it is I am a hockey fan and I hate when they talk about the fighting how they got to get the fighting out of hockey. It's really, but he really got to get

the fighting out of hockey, but, but you don't have to get the fighting out of boxing. You know what I mean? That's all they do is punch each other in the fucking head to the point that they end up with Parkinson's disease. Fucking hockey. They occasionally fight. It's a little spice. It's a little fucking flavor to the game. Well, he's fucking people who can't handle it. What? Don't fucking watch it. Jesus, Bill, you just did the sporting version of you don't like it. Why don't you get the fuck out of the country taking your picture, your fucking dick, taking your fucking dick. The more exaggerated the more the more it just keeps giving. Oh, it's the joke that just keeps giving. All right, let's do, let's do some questions here. But having said all that,

who the fuck wouldn't want to be in the shape of Mayweather or fucking Pacquiao? Good Lord. The fucking dedication alone that just that takes forget about the fact that you have to push down the sickening nauseating feeling that there is a world-class athlete training somewhere in the universe to just beat the living shit out of you. I mean, that's just fucking unreal. I mean, if you're going to get into a fight, don't you want just to happen? You just sit there and all of a sudden you're fucking yelling at somebody at the Kentucky Derby, then it just fucking happens. But if you have to sit there and think about it and train for it and know that somebody else is going to do it, that's just the level of balls that I obviously, the old freckled wonder here,

I can't, I can't relate to that. All right, so here we are. This is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. And I do this once a week and once a week, I got the just checking it on your podcast on Thursday, the Tuesday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. That's the one I just sort of, that's a newer one. I just do like 30 minutes and then I play some classic hits from, from years gone by in another world where podcasting was young, it was innocent, and it was unified, unlike boxing. If you'd like me to talk about something or whatever, if you want to suggest some topics, the way to do it for the Thursday one is you tweet at bill at the mmpodcast.com with the hashtag TAMMP, all capitals, Tango, Alpha, Mike, Mike, Papa,

sorry. And for the Monday morning podcast, if you'd like me to read your emails, your questions, or whatever, just send it to, oh, I'm such a dope. Bill at the mmpodcast.com is the email for Mondays. I can't, I've never gotten this fucking right. All right, fuck everything that I just said. Fuck it. All right. For the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast, just before Friday. All right. Hashtag TAMMP and the Twitter account is at the mmpodcast. All right. Good Lord. Now, if you want to email me for the Monday morning podcast, it's bill at the mmpodcast.com. Jesus Christ, Bill. That was all written right in front of me, and I still fucked it up. For the Thursday one, you can tweet articles, videos, questions.

I guess you know what? You don't need to tweet at the mmpodcast. You can just hashtag, Jesus, here's the third version. You can just hashtag TAMMP. Oh, fuck. Jesus Christ. I mean, that was just, if anybody has a business school and you want to teach about what not to do in advertising, why don't you just play that clip? All right. Under the slide caption, shit show. All right. All right. Pro flowers, everybody. Mother's Day is only X days away. I guess I was supposed to do the math. Who in your life would win the world's best mom award? It's a good problem to have when it's a tie three-way tie. I don't get that. Which of these relate to your life personally?

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God bless and this has been the advertising for this week. Back to me back in the future where I was a little more sober. Evansville. Here's something. Greetings Bill. I just wanted to take a moment to thank Bill for an incredible show in Evansville, Indiana. Thank you very much. I'm actually upset when we wrote into town I didn't get to go to the the Cross-eyed Grasshopper family restaurant. I mean with the fucking name like that how do I not go in there and eat amongst those water bugs? I'm kidding. I'm sure it's a nice clean friendly place. I said my face still hurts. I'm laughing. Also I was wondering what were the names of the two opening acts? They were both great. Well that would have been Paul Versey. V-I-R-Z-I and Jason Lawhead. Spelt like law. Break the law and head.

I'll kick you in the fucking head. Why can't it be something nice? Okay I will fix the cowlick on top of your head gently as I stare at your eyes. Stare at your eyes. Look romantically. Oh fuck Bill. Forget it. All right Thursday podcast. Hey Bill on the old clips you talked about an urban legend. Oh yeah I was talking about all those urban legends about you remember Pop Rocks. Dude there was a kid and he ate a whole bottle. He sucked down a whole package of Pop Rocks and his fucking stomach exploded and there was always the one about dude there was a kid who he put in he put an M80 which is an eighth of a stick of dynamite I believe. We always thought it was a quarter stick. I think it's an eighth. Stuck it in the back of some kid's pocket lit it and blew

half the kid's ass off. So this guy says well in the mid 80s my brother my step brother did just that. He had to get skin grafted from his thigh to his ass. It's no urban legend from New Jersey. Oh maybe that's where it started. They always say there's a little bit of truth in all of that shit. Is that what they say? That is what they say. Two Billy holy shit the Thursday podcast is the best thing you could have done. You are a genius. I'm not a genius. Andrew came up with it. The old clips are hilarious. I love dropping in on the middle of an old school podcast catching you in a random mood. Yeah that is the thing because my vibe on this Thursday then it connects with whatever the fuck I was talking about on some Monday in like 2009 or 10 or something.

So I guess that would be a weird little mash-up as the kids say. This person said I listen to a lot of podcasts over time. Some of them change. The hosts get egos and the vibe is different. I love how you're 10 times bigger than you were when you oh look at this whole fucking ball rubbing thing here. Did I write this? I'm 10 times bigger than I was everybody when I started the podcast but I still act the same. All freckles is down there. Well when you're a balding redheaded male you really don't have the opportunity to take your shirt off and VIP do you? Spin it around your head. I swear to god if I had pigment I would be a much oh my god the ego I would fucking have. Are you kidding me? If I had pigment a full head of hair you guys wouldn't even know me.

I'm the day that they actually come up with a pill because I would never do that fucking you know taking hair from the back of your fucking head putting on. I would never do that. I'm like I'm not fucking doing that. Numbin' up my head. It's just like all right do. Bill why don't you just admit that it's over. All right fucking buzz it down grow some sort of facial hair you know or just shave your face and let people look like a just make them look at a rapidly approaching 50 year old adult baby. How mad don't do this by the way because you're getting trouble but how fucking funny and how mad would the person get if you walked up to a fucking guy who had his head clean shaved

and his face he didn't have any facial hair all right and he's in his 40s or whatever you just walked up to him he's sitting in a bar mining his own business and you walked up and you're underneath his chin you went uh guji guji gu uh guji abu abu like how far could you get away before that person I think I would wow no somebody touching you would make you mad other than that I mean I think I'd laugh um but don't do that everybody okay the world is is a bad enough place you really don't need you know you know do you really need a bar fight like think about that people at what point in your in your life do you sit there and be like you know what would be a good asset to my life right now both spiritually personally and legally

a nice knock down drag out bar fight although that would be funny though if that happened and then you guys actually decided to work it out on like judge judy you know when she comes out there oh fucking extra angry for the fucking uh you know for the tv cameras and you went out there and you know the bald guys gotta go uh you know it's it's minding me own business and it's may come up and he put his finger charlie bit my finger and it hurt he put it on on me cheek and on me chin and what did he say at that time oh he said a kuchi kuchi kyu right and I didn't like it I don't know why it'd be English oh whatever the fuck I was just trying to do right there's no robbery I gotta get back to fucking peeky blinders when I get back

um I'm two episodes in and I'm gonna watch every fucking episode I can before I go to do all my shows in Boston there um all right what else was there uh thanks for the laugh man my days go by much quicker no worries everybody look at that the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast the just checking in on your podcast to make it fucking quicker is really at look at people are liking it check it out if you can um oh shit all right I gotta read another advertising here before I get into the rest of these uh once again this is bill burr in the future desperately trying to read out loud oh Jesus we're back in the past there actually when you're listening to all of this it's all in

the past isn't it I don't know all right booing at the draft from a lady hey Bill my mother in law is a huge sports fan and she insisted on watching the draft I have never seen the draft before and I was really shocked at the rude behavior of the spectators well you've obviously never gone to a sporting event going to a sporting event is watching a bunch of people that probably can't catch a ball or maybe they could but now they're just old and out of shape just you know just trashing people that can do what they they could never do that's what it is um anyways is that how it normally goes down or is it because it was held in Chicago as a Wisconsinite I would have thought it was a Wisconsin or a Wisconsinite um that lives in a tourist destination for those

damn FIBs fucking idiot bastards oh fucking Illinois bastards oh I came close uh as we call them in door count door county I instantly blame Chicago for all the ass hattery are my instincts correct or is it always like that thanks and go fuck yourself um no your instincts are not correct and as far as how Wisconsinites view people from Chicago you know that's just standard behavior that's standard human behavior you don't like your neighbor you don't like your neighbor this town is rivals with the town next to it this state doesn't like the state next to it this country doesn't like the country next to it you just keep making it bigger and bigger this continent doesn't like this continent you can go right up just basically familiarity breeds contempt

and it takes an unbelievable level of maturity for you to be sitting up there in cheese land to look down at mustache city and see the good in it you know especially when they're coming up there to vacation in your area you're not gonna like it when I live in New York City I fucking hated walking through Times Square a bunch of fucking families with their kids going to the fucking M&M store you know they actually made you wish that it was still peep shows which was disgusting was fucking gross Times Square back in day was gross and now they've gone the other way which just uh you know it's a lot of uh big people in jean shorts plotting through traffic not knowing where they're going and there's nothing like a giant a giant group of people likes to do

more than to just stop and stand in the middle of the sidewalk looking around waiting for someone to make a fucking decision you know a bunch of followers all right walking into the Hershey kiss store you know buying some fucking new york t-shirt that has fucking you know you buy the new york t-shirt with a picture of john lennon on it wearing the new york t-shirt you want to do that shit yeah you fucking hate that stuff so no i don't think it has to do with that i mean obviously you know philly's known for booing uh new york city's known for booing boston's known for you know it's a uh you know it's a shit and people also fly in for the draft if you can believe that they fly in for the draft i will never understand that i already did a bit about it on

my last special but i will never understand that it's like going down to the dmv when you don't have to someone's going to take the test for you all you got to do is just see how they did the next day as you're eating a fucking english muffin there's no fucking reason to go down there um um i haven't even looked i haven't even stopped to even look to see you know who my team took and i don't give a shit i mean i care i want them to do well but like i'll wait to the football season to see how they do but i guess those are the people that get into it a lot more you know the ones that want to those are the people that actually know the names of like the gms and the higher ups and like i i just don't have fucking time to get into it to that level you know what i

mean i i have too many other things that waste my time um so no i wouldn't blame it on chicago i love chicago i love wisconsin i think you guys are all great stand from the outside i don't know what your fucking problem is the same way i look at the middle east what is the fucking problem over there why don't you all guys if everybody just became atheist in the middle east you know i'd find something else i don't like his shoes let's blow them up um game show uh bill if you could be on any game show from any time period oh what a great question what would it be i'm a hue i'm back on the day i was a big game show fan when i was growing up during the summer we didn't have a pool right we lived on a busy street we used to watch the prices right every day

is that the one one or the thinking music on the match games boom boom boom boom boom boom walk i'll wake up walk we're gonna walk what the fucking wah wah pedal was big in the 70s all right um let's see i picture you on the prices right good call god knows you're not cut out for jeopardy fuck you or wheel of fortune kidding you're a smart bastard no i'm not oh no wheel of fortune dude you can have everything but the vowels and i still can't get it um i'm really bad at that like you see i'm not good at reading out loud i'm not good at reading in general

everything gets all jumbled up you know my eyes travel faster than my brain can process it it's an absolute shit show uh he goes i see you teaching old ladies how to put and demonstrating what how to put and demonstrating the wheel going around oh i thought you meant as a contestant you're talking about hosting all right or demonstrating the wheel going around one full rotation and not to mention the kisses on the cheek from all the fucking ladies and instead of barker's beauties it'd be burrs beauties your thoughts all right if i could host any show um i kind of like the family feud but there's two you got to talk to too many people i'd rather just deal with the head of both families like a mob thing like let's have a little fucking sit

down all right you know you seem like a reasonable person but you know that shit show behind you i really don't want to get involved in so why don't you ask them what the fuck they think and then you say it how about that all right so i would not last long on that uh wheel of fortune um i could actually i wouldn't mind hosting that one the sound of the wheel is annoying to me and i don't like when they fucking lose a turn they go beep that would get to me after a while because i would think like that would be the the soundtrack to my career at that point although vanna white's still there still looking on you know she threw me a glance with those beautiful fucking eyes that could be a fun one

uh price is right i mean that's the iconic one i mean that's the fucking patriots that's the yankees and much as i hate to say the canadiens a game shows right it is fucking is actually to be fair it's the green bay packers because they've won the most nfl titles and super bowls combined i would have to say that so uh price is right i you know i like about the price is right is you're not confined to just one game you know i mean like wheel of fortune is the one game the spin in the wheel spin in the wheel spin in the wheel fucking family feud i asked you uh name a sound of a fart and you said serve a set you know whatever i think you're just doing the same thing fucking over and over again right but the price is right there's all those different

games all the different games and then you know you got a halftime like a sporting event i think you nailed it dude remember card sharks all of it higher all of it lower it's fucking stupid it's really hard you know if you can come up with a good game show one of the most brilliant ones ever was who wants to be a millionaire uh such a fucking simple idea i can't believe i didn't fucking think to do that sure as hell i'm gonna be hosting this podcast right now i'd be drinking myself to death somewhere on a fucking i don't know what not an island i'd be getting like die a sunstroke i don't know where the fuck i'd be but i wouldn't be sitting here right now who wants to be a millionaire hey who doesn't i mean right there the fucking show sells itself

i don't want to do i'm gonna come up with a game show for like the porno network called who wants a blowjob i do right there you go there's your show then you just ask like fucking questions about uh you know whatever sex rim job is that your final answer financial rim job you are correct um all right let's move on to the next one all right woman takes man's leg okay hey bill i'm i am 19 years old oh by the way i'm really happy that a fucking woman finally wrote in here hey bill i am 19 years old just graduating high school and not going and going to enlist in the u.s marine corps uh just a little about me in parentheses uh i've been listening to your podcast for about a year now and i find you hilarious anyways i came across

this video and apparently this lady steals this steals this guy's leg when he goes to sleep and has been holding it for ransom because this guy cheated on her i just wanted to get your take on this since you're the best on discussing the ladies thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself so wait a minute this guy's got a fake leg obviously no bill he's got a real one and she sawed it off and fucking i don't know what do they do then they stick your stump in a fire that's how they used to do it in the uh the cowboy movies to cauterize or whatever their fucking word is clarify your fucking arteries i don't know stopped a bleeding does that even work or is that just some hollywood shit i have no fucking idea i don't pretend to be a doctor or even look like one

um what do i think about that well he fucked around hell half no fury well how long has she had the leg you know what i would do i'd just buy another one i'd light up my card i'd buy another one and i would fucking you know walk awkwardly over to our house and i would just be like really you know what do i think about that i think uh she should give it back i understand why she fucking did it but um that's that bullshit that women can get away with where they can get away with destruction of property and that type of shit like you know they can throw all your shit out the fucking window light it on fire and do all this type of crap and the cops show up just laughing you know i've been there i fucked around with my girl i got a dick too buddy

this is what happens every once in a while they like the shit on fire oh she's like a fucking alicate and a fucking nigger um what do i think about i think it's fucking hilarious he obviously uh you know he fucked around what are you gonna do what are you getting mad about that you got it i would i would think that if i had a fake leg and i was fucking around that uh i would be wearing that thing to bed you know what i mean or at least i'd have a backup leg i think in general wouldn't you have a backup leg i mean even people who can't see got a backup pair of glasses right she'd have another leg you know what you have a fucking you know you know me cell phone charges i have i fucking lose those things all the time and i know what people would know with only one

leg i think and dude do you have any idea how expensive they are now i got both my legs but i can tell you this i cut back on the drinking to have a spare you know what i mean i'd be still watching a square tv before i would buy a flat screen okay i wouldn't buy a flat screen tv until i had an extra fucking leg that that's a that's a fucking guarantee okay you can take that to the goddamn bank all right but you know let's get to the real story here let's talk about this fucking mac daddy he only has one goddamn leg and he's still fucking slaying it you know i bet that got her fucking goat the fact that you know this guy's got one leg and she's sitting there patting herself on the back of what a good person she is that she's you know that she can

i don't care about appendages i care i care about what's in here now what's hanging off your pelvis except for that your dick you know um but who knows maybe bruce Jenner doesn't want his maybe you lost your dick maybe you could buy his shirt's a little bit older than you are but you know i mean the catholons is your cock one i'm not trying to belittle you i am not don't put words in my mouth um yeah i i she's you know that's fucking hilarious i can't come into work today why well i fucked around on my girlfriend she took my fake leg all you're gonna hear is the boss on the other side fuck you what are you gonna do buddy hop down here and kick my ass you're gonna fall down um anyways all right so i'm sure you're gonna hear from the people with one

fucking leg out there you know quit your bitching okay can always be worse all right it can always be fucking worse you know i mean for every person out there with one leg all right there's someone else in a loveless marriage okay and that's even worse every fucking day waking up next to that person man or a woman and not feeling a fucking thing as they look into your eyes and they hand you that card on valentine's day you might as well be talking to a chest of drawers all right wow that was dark all right gathering and protesting verse rioting bill i sympathize with the black community through all of this oh god this sounds like it's going to go off the rails hey i have a black friend but having said that um all right it's ridiculous uh some cops not all of them

can be total assholes with pent up anger and absolutely no control over their violent actions and it's no excuse you shouldn't have to do that job unless you're a saint who also knows how to kick ass it's fucking hilarious you want a superhero at that point where do you stand on the protest slash riots where's the line obviously destroying someone's business is ridiculous and doesn't promote social change but i also sometimes he just he misses the word but also sometimes think i think he was supposed to say you gotta crack a few eggs please use the next five to ten minutes to solve this social problem hilarious um i don't know when i watch that you're just watching the result of uh you know what happened a long time ago it's the fallout of all

of that um the genius of uh saying that one race was better than another race so you could fuck over both races but you adjusted how you were doing it and you get to keep all the money at the top right like you're basically sticking a dick in everybody's ass but you go balls deep with one people and another people you're only halfway in and then you get so then the genius of that is you got someone with half a dick in their ass actually feeling lucky because it's not balls deep right and just the fallout of that is what you're watching is that make any sense other than i can't just totally blame super rich people on this or the controlling people throughout the centuries but i will say that uh just generally speaking even that horseshit with the lady in wisconsin

just looking for the bad in chicago people and blaming all of the bullshit behavior on draft day for the city of chicago um i just think unfortunately the inherent nature of people is to be selfish cons to be fearful to want more to be worried about tomorrow and uh to want to be uh i don't know feel a little better than the other person me look at me at the derby right now where i was sitting i was two steps above where those people were standing and when i stood up i could still see the fucking race but i was like i am a sitter you are a standard you are less than me and next thing you know i'm yelling at this person like i built the whole fucking area right i just think it's in our nature to not get along i hate to say that because it's the easiest

fucking thing to do because it doesn't take any effort getting annoyed by somebody is effortless actually having empathy and seeing where the fuck they're coming from or maybe thinking about how you should say something and respecting somebody it just takes a lot of fucking effort you know and you know in the heat of the moment that usually doesn't happen and uh there you go i overly simplified the whole fucking thing but i think it's uh i don't know i've been through baltimore i've been through detroit parts of cleveland parts of buffalo all that rust belt and stuff you know parts of the south now some of places i went through you can't believe how people are living in this country and it's just fucking wrong it's wrong and then we're over there

allegedly trying to rescue people in other countries which is the dumbest shit ever that isn't we're just taking their natural resources and making i mean we aren't i don't get into all of that shit but i just don't think that this country is sitting there looking at other countries going god damn it fuck they're just not free we got to do something about this is bullshit i don't buy into any of it it's uh you know and this is nothing too i have no fucking idea how to turn that around no fucking way how to turn it around on a societal level i can't tell though on an individual level uh you can totally turn around your life without a fucking doubt you just have to fucking you just can't you got to become unstoppable and the more down the fucking

shit slide you are the more unstoppable you have to be and that's just the way it is life isn't fucking fair and for as bad as you got it somebody's got it fucking worse i mean there's a guy with one fucking leg who can't go to work because he stuck his dick into something else which he's fucking wired to do you know i mean that woman taken out of the guy's leg she's basically saying god is wrong you know but she won't get called on will she did any of that make any sense i actually started daydreaming halfway through that um this is bill burr and this has been the Monday morning podcast i would like all of you to go fuck yourselves and i'll talk to you next i'll actually talk i'll check in on you on Thursday but i'm basically gonna talk to you i talk to you every Monday

Thursdays i'm just checking in on you you know just poking my head and seeing how the fuck you're doing but this this day here this is the real shit all right if you like the real shit and it is a pile of shit here and if you would like to uh contribute to the Monday morning podcast effortlessly well this actually takes a little bit of thought next time you go to amazon to buy something just click on uh go to billburr.com click on the podcast page and then just click on the amazon little fucking app there whatever the fucking thing you call it the banner ad it'll take you right to amazon and then buy something if you want and if you do i get a little credit for driving some traffic that was already going to go there anyways they kicked me a little bit of fucking

money um they're basically whoring off the love that they think you have for me in this podcast that's what they're doing they're trying to pile on that shit you know what i mean i don't know i'm talking about um thanks to everybody sincerely for the last two weeks um i am wiped out i am tired but it was one of the great experiences that i've had in my stand-up career to get to go to all these cities that i had never been to um other than new orleans i had never been to any of these other ones as far as i can remember and it was awesome the people were great the crowds were awesome and uh oh people asked me about the billy bible belt poster do i have any leftovers yes i do yes i do i've got a couple hundred left um and i just shipped them back to my house

they're all going to be autographed okay and uh they will be available for sale on my uh on my website as soon as as soon as i get home probably take me about a week to put them up there they are high quality i forget what size they are but they are a nice size just look at some of the tweet uh twitter pictures of them um those will be available but when they're gone they're gone i'm not making any more i didn't even get one i didn't need one i fucking did the shows oh all right go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week bmb premium selection