Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-14

Episode Date: May 6, 2014

Bill rambles about Israel, racist cities and going to the beach.

We will see you in a production TUNED Regional with Marekliter ensures cottage cheeseター for day on the way, good luck for your community. Enjoy going on a journey with this amazing and uniqueええ from Albert Heijn, and look for the 2nd episodeat the newsbook on www.rü employi.hu and the news article about Albert, the center of the world. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 5th, 2014 Cinco de Mayo. Everybody, happy Cinco de Mayo to all Mexican listeners and white people and everybody else who just wants to go out and get shitfaced tonight for whatever

reason, so you have an excuse tomorrow when you drag an ass. Yeah, notice you're not up to your level of productivity that we're used to here at Cogswell Cogs. And you'd be like, well fuck you, I went out and I celebrated last night. What's the matter? You don't like Mexicans? There you go. It's one of the few times a white person can use the race card. Just slam that fucker right down. Are you against Mexico? Well, all right then. Kindly remove yourself from my cubicle area. All right? I got drunk last night for America. Oh, here's one for you. Last night I was hanging out with Jason Lawhead. Obviously, race has

been a huge fucking, it's been a huge topic of interest over the last couple of days. I was over Jason Lawhead's place. He's got this apartment building. He's got a really cool rooftop and, you know, get to see LA, get to see the helicopters fucking with their spotlights down on some poor bastard trying to run away. I don't know how I feel about police helicopters out here or just in general. I mean, I'm all for catching the bad guys, but it does kind of get to the point of like, you know, how much fucking help do you need here? You guys already have, you know, you guys are all on the same team. You'll have uniforms. Okay. It's like 900 cop cars to one cop car. You're all on the radio. They

just made a ride on fucking sunset. You need a helicopter to lighten the guy up. Jesus Christ. How long would Bonnie and Clyde last in this day and age? You couldn't fucking get away with what am I defending right now? Homicidal maniacs? I guess I am. This is something about like, you know, it's like when you watch a cowboy and Indian movie, you got a roof for the underdog. You go, you go for the Indians. I guess the Native Americans. Is that what they call them now? Am I in trouble? Do I have to apologize? Um, yeah, you always root for the fucking underdogs. That's how I look at it. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. Anyway, so we're up on this roof. And as we walk up on the roof, there's already some

people partying up there. And they're celebrating Cinco de Mayo, mostly Mexican people, I think up there playing the music and all that shit, blah, blah, blah, blah. Everything's fine. So me and lawhead and a bunch of white guys, we go up there and then we sit down on these other chairs and we start smoking cigars. And then all of a sudden one of the dudes comes walking over. He'd been drinking and they had like, you know, these, these potted plant bushes and the dudes walking over to an area where there's no exit and then he walks behind the bushes and we're like, is he going to piss over there? So one of the guys that we're with goes, he's like, yo, yo, dude, that's not a bathroom, man. That's

not a bathroom. And the guy stayed down there for a minute. So then we go back to talk and smoke on our cigars. And then I hear him talking to his friends. And then I hear, oh, we got your back. We got your back, right? I'm sitting there going, Oh God, here we go. And here we go. And so then I'm thinking like, maybe he wasn't pissing. So that's why he's mad. And then he's looking at us going like, Oh, those white guys already didn't like us up here with our music. And now he assumes just because I walked behind these bushes, that I was taking a fucking piss. And maybe I was just looking down over the side of the building to see if my friend was showing up, right? So that's what I'm thinking is playing out

in my head. So long story short, he's fucking, you know, a couple of mean muggin looks over our way. And so I'm already thinking in my head how to verbally talk the whole situation down, basically doing the exact opposite of what a bouncer does, you know, where they their security, but they always escalate the situation. Remember that story I told a while back, where I saw two guys almost got into a fight and the bounces fucking break them up. And they're like, Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here? And this guy goes, Well, this guy, and he kind of put his hand on the bounces shoulder and the bouncer goes, Okay, first of all, don't touch me. And he immediately fucking escalated it now, rather than he was

coming over to defuse it, he was escalating it. So I was sitting there going like, All right, how the fuck am I going to fucking convey to them honest mistake if this dude wasn't pissing? You know, I mean, what the fuck were you supposed to think you're drinking, you're stumbling over, you walk behind bushes on the roof. You know, to me, that is classic. I'm drunk and I'm going to piss the first place I can find, you know, no cover. I mean, cover, I should say, nobody can see me is what I should say. So long story short, this black dude comes over who's gay. This is like a fucking reality show. You know, what they get while we need is an Asian guy and somebody with a sassy attitude. And I think I have

a hit show here. You know, um, so he comes over and he's like, Yeah, sorry, I don't even know he's gay, but he has like the gay accent, which I guess is homophobic to say, but he had an effeminate accent. I assumed he was gay, not saying he can't get married and someday get divorced and lose half his shit. He has the right to do that. He has a right to do everything straight. People do even the dumb shit. All right. Did I cover my tracks? So he comes over and he goes, Hey man, sorry about blah, blah. He goes into apology mode and I go immediately into apology mode. I just say, Hey man, it's honest mistake. We thought he was taking a piss. I didn't know blah, blah, blah, blah. And then in the end, when

he walks away, my other buddy goes, no, I could hear him pissing. So I don't know what the fuck happened. So then I guess the roof is really fucking thin and you know, they're playing music, dancing and shit. And then like the owner came up and then a little bit later, this security person came up and I'm thinking the whole fucking time these guys, these Mexican dudes think that we called those people that these white guys showed up like, Oh, what are they doing up on our roof? And that was completely not the case. And I was sitting there and of course, because I'm a Hollywood phony, rather than actually giving into the tension of it, I was actually thinking like, Hey, this would be a really good scene in a script.

Just a complete misunderstanding. And I still, I still think it's a comedy. I don't think it's more like crash. I think it's a comedy because they were all young and in shape and we were a bunch of old white guys smoking cigars. So that would be a funny fight. There would definitely be like, you know, the dual headlock shit going on with the shirt coming up and the ass crack coming out, you know, what a real fight looks like. It's never pretty, you know, by the way, who saw the Mayweather fight anybody? I actually didn't see it. I heard it was, it was actually a good fight. I just have so much faith in Mayweather as a as a fighter that I don't order his fights because he just wins every fucking time. And but he never knocks them out. So I just

watch him pepper in the guy, you know, kind of dances around the first couple of rounds. Ah, is that what you're doing? Are you going to try to do that? Okay. Fucking old guy starts yelling. He landed more power shots than the other fucking game. I don't know. I think, do you think he's going to get out? He's got three more fights. He's three more. I'm actually worried about Mayweather. I can't tell. I know he's a smart guy, but I can't tell if he understands money or if that's all just a show. You know what I mean? Anytime you see a guy in a field where age is a factor, like by the time you hit 40 and they have like, like fucking an airport hanger of all white cars,

you know what I mean? You just start seeing that or like once you buy the tiger, what's some other dumb shit? You have your own water park in your backyard. I mean, you just can't sustain that. You literally start living a lifestyle where it's like the only way I can afford this is if I'm champion of the boxing world. You know, eventually you're going to be 50 and unless you're Bernard Hopkins, I mean, you're not, you're not going to be the champ anymore. And now you got a tiger next to a water park next to fucking nine white Bentley's and I don't know. I don't know. You got to get like that. You got to get the, uh, you got to get the outside the business money. You know what I mean? I'm literally drawing a half a circle right now,

as I'm saying, outside the business money. I'm trying to think of a good example of it. I would say 50 cent with this fucking vitamin water. Brilliant. That's fucking brilliant. That's like a fucking hooker with who fucking takes a hooker money and then fucking buys an apartment building so you can get underneath out from underneath your pimp because that's really kind of what show business is. It's funny. You come into this business, you think you're the pimp and then about, I don't know, for me, about 15 years in, you're like, oh, wait a minute, I'm the guy walking the block. I need to somehow try and make money outside of this business because I can only shake my ass for so long before another young redhead's going to be coming along

and then I'm finished. Right. So I need, I need to go buy a whorehouse, which is a fucking comedy club. I don't know what I need to do, but I got to start making money outside of this business because I'll be fucked if I'm going to be some old bald guy in a fucking wrinkled tuxedo on a cruise cruise ship. You know, I'll be sold to that point. Not only will I be telling jokes, I'll do be also kind of singing classic songs from the American songbook. You know, you know, what's up with the president? Yeah, we got to get back on budget. I think you need to go back to fucking Arkansas. People laugh and then I'd be like, all right, here we go. Summer wind, but okay, blow it in from across the sea. And I do a big thing like, you know, I got a fucking,

one of those shit, those whores on fucking prices, right? A new car. And they do that little swing with their hand, like as if you can't see the fucking car. That's what I would be doing across the sea. And I would just like, there it is. We're out on a boat. You are a fat fuck. You know, fucking dance with me. We'll go to the casino. You don't like about cruise ships. I don't like how they decide when you fucking eat. You know, like all of a sudden I joined this guy's navy. I did one cruise ship. That's the thing that I hated the most, aside from the fact that you couldn't get away from the crowd. Hey, good show. I said, say you last night. Hey, just what I said, just what I said, I think you did about the firehouse. Fuck off. It's over. Hey, I liked your

shorts yesterday. Those shorts you wore. How would you like to hear that all fucking day? It's not their fault. How do you come up with your material? I actually thought about jumping overboard like half the fucking time and I am terrified of the ocean, but I thought the water would be cold enough that hypothermia would get me before I get eaten by a fucking shark. And even then, by then I'd be so fucking numb. You know, maybe it wouldn't hurt. I don't know. What was I talking about? Oh, we're talking about race. We're talking about racial issues. So this week, I got to try to remember what the fuck happened. Oh, okay. The first one that happened literally happened the day I put up the podcast. And you know what's a fucking pet peeve of mine is on Twitter.

All right. When some cunt will fucking send me a tweet. Male or female cunt. Okay. Equal. Equal opportunity. We'll say like, Hey, Bill, did you see this thing about Donald Sterling on the clippers? And then they just write thoughts. Like I'm just supposed to just start fucking. Oh, well, shit. Let me just take time out of my fucking day. You know, Hey, talk about this fucking thing and then you fucking talk about it. I talked to you once a week on Monday. Okay. Fucking Twitter cunts drive me nuts. Thoughts. Hmm. Thoughts. Um, anyway, sorry. I'm really being a cunt today, but I just, I can't help it. It's who I am. So anyways, yeah, I love that thought. What could your thought fucking possibly be other than like, yeah,

that was horrific. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you. It's not like I don't have a bit on it, but I'm not going to do it on the podcast. But I can't tell you this though. I didn't understand what Mark Cuban was talking about where they were saying when he gave the slippery slope. The slippery slope thing there. There's always somebody like whenever you're like, you know, hey, this guy says he loves Hitler. We got to get rid of them. And then there's always that, well, you know, that's a slippery slope. I mean, you know, you start with this guy, you know, where do you draw the line? How about, you know, you draw the line at racist with fucked up mustaches? How about we draw? It's pretty clear in present line. Like I don't

understand where the slippery sluts like if you're going to fire an owner for being overtly racist, what next? You don't like my shirt? Ah, fuck. I mean, I don't, I actually in defense of him, I read the fur, I was, yeah, this isn't defense. I might just Googled it and then I looked it up and I saw the sense kind of retracted it. And all I have here is that the outspoken billionaire said it was a slippery slope to suggest that Sterling should be forced out as owner over comments made in the privacy of his home. Yeah, I mean, well, that's taken out of context, but I don't know. He said what Donald said was wrong. It was abhorrent. I didn't know what that word means must be bad because

horrors in there abhorrent. There's no place for racism in the NBA, any business I'm associated with, but at the same time, that's a decision that I make. I guess he's saying I make a decision not to be racist. I think you've got to be very, very careful when you start making blanket statements about what people say and think as opposed to what they do. It's a very, very slippery slope. So what, what is he saying there? I don't get it. Is he saying that, all right, this guy says racist shit in his personal life. But during the day, his business is made, he has 11 employees on his players on his team and 10 of them are African Americans. So despite what he says on the phone, if everybody hired the way this guy did, I mean, that's a higher than 90%

African American shit, white people would be out of jobs. I don't know what he's saying there. I don't understand where the slippery slope is, but I don't know. What are you going to do with the guy? He said what he fucking said. And I understand that it was a private conversation, but he was dumb enough to do it over the phone. He's just, and by dumb enough, I'm not saying that he should have just said it without being on the phone. I know what he said was wrong, but the thing is, is every fucking move he made is his own fucking fault. That's his own fault. His own fucking fault that you would say something like that over the fucking phone to a woman who's acting like she's into you, who's 50 years younger than you,

you're fucking moron. It was unbelievably reckless and I'm glad he did it because I don't know, it's just fucked up. It's just fucking, you know, I don't know. I don't understand. I would understand that guy if that guy lived in the middle of fucking nowhere and he lived around all fucking white people and he was 80 years old. I mean, that's a layup. I mean, shit. He just, yeah, that's obviously how he's going to fucking think. This guy was born in 1930 something, you know, and he was raised by people who were born in like the turn of the fucking century. And had Harry Truman for a president who was one of the most biggest fucking racists ever, right? Was that his first fucking name? I don't know.

So anyways, I mean, yeah, what the fucking thing is going to be thought? I mean, this guy got raised by racist and then, and then he didn't fucking travel, but this guy actually traveled. Okay, that's, that's, that's the one that I don't get. I don't get when you finally have interaction and you actually have examples and it's a specific person that you now know that you can still think that way. And then the fucking phone message is hilarious because he's literally talking to somebody who's half of what was she half black, half Latino, and he's literally trashing black people to her. And as she's getting offended, he's sitting there going like, Oh, you're mean. Oh, don't you understand how your words hurt me? And as fucking awful as

it was, I would love to have that level of money that you're that fucking just so wrapped up in yourself that you don't even realize you're hurting people and you're actually you're you're playing the victim yourself. I don't know. So now it's actually, I don't think he's going to try and sell the team, which is going to be fascinating as they try and force this guy out. But I think they should be able to do it because he's fucking with the whole image of the league. You know, I don't know, one of the one of a shit like this comes out, it always bugs me because then everybody gets to act like holier than now because they didn't get caught saying anything fucked up. You know what I mean? I don't know. I think people say fucked up shit. I think everybody

says fucked up shit. And I think people think fucked up shit, and they're just smart enough to not say it out loud. And I don't even think that it makes you a racist. You just think you just see you can't you can't fucking help it. You just fucking your product of how you grew up. You're part of experience. You know what it is? Everybody has fear. So fear will drive you into thinking the worst of somebody if you're in a fearful situation. Like I used to do a bit in my act how everybody's racist at night and almost like you have to be so you can get home. You have to think the worst of people. So you're not that fucking idiot that just walks into a wood chipper. Like, yeah, I'll help you start it.

Fucking go over there and get knocked over the head and thrown in it. And then that's the worst. Then the next day, everybody's like, oh, it's awful that it happened. But Jesus, I mean, what was this guy thinking? So I don't know, but I got to commend all the clipper players for actually still going out and playing because I don't know that I would have, you know, I mean, you got to feel you just got to feel like you're, I've worked for some club owners that have been absolute dicks and I still had a couple of fucking shows left. And I wanted to like burn down the club and then choke the guy to death and throw him on the fucking ashes. Like I felt that and still had to trudge through the show. And there was no racism involved. There wasn't this

negative thing that affected my life every fucking day. And then this guy actually personified it. It was just a guy being a dick. And I still had to go up there and entertain his fucking, the people that were coming there because at that point it wasn't a draw. So they were basically coming to the club. And I wanted them to have a bad experience because I wanted this person to go out of business. I can only relate to it at that half a percent level. So I can't imagine what the fuck they were going through. But it's going to, I have to tell you on a selfish level, it's going to be really entertaining to watch this guy fight the fucking NBA and not try and lose his team. I mean, Jesus Christ, what a fucking situation.

It's just like, dude, just be a fucking man now and just walk away. You're going to drag down everybody with you. One of those guys, you know, I don't know. It's just what he did then causes everybody else to, well, what about the other owners and all of that type of shit? It's just, he fucked up. He fucked up. He is fucked up. He got caught a bunch of times. I evidently do another shit and he never changed his fucking ways. His fucking chickens came home to roost and, you know, and what's, what's his big penalty? He sells it and has a billion dollars. You know, let's go buy a yacht, just drive out in the ocean and scream all your racist shit. You know, you can be free out there, free to do what you want. I don't know. Did that make

any fucking sense? You know what it was? I had to fucking steer around all the, all the funny areas where I'm doing the bit on it. Oh, and then also the, the Boston Bruins and the Montreal Command, Canadians started another classic, classic playoff series. The first game went to overtime. The fucking Canadians won. And then they had game two. Looked like they had it all wrapped up and the Bruins came back, came storming back to steal game two. So it's one to one, two unbelievable, like I put those games up against any fucking games in the history of that series. But unfortunately, PK Subban scored the goal in overtime in game one and then like a couple of years ago, when that other African-American player scored an overtime goal

on the capitals, a portion of the Bruins fan base goes on and starts fucking trending the N word on, on Twitter. And then, and then that just opens to shitstorm. You know, it's fucking ugly and all that type of stuff. And it really ruins. It's such a pussy fucking move. You know what I mean? It's such a fucking, it's such a pussy fucking. And I don't even get it in 2014 to do something like that. And almost equally annoying is then when people on Twitter start doing that real classy Boston when they send out, like that's like this hacky thing to say, way to stay classy. Like who started that? And why does everybody say that now? And you only use class when you're talking about like a sports team now. Did that come from Ron Burgundy, stay classy, San Diego?

I don't know what it is, but I don't understand why people on Twitter can't express their views without using like, I don't know, like Twitter language. Why, why can't you just, why can't you just say that, you know, that was fucked up Boston way, you know, way to stay classy or is that like that trending thing? I don't know what these fucking kids are doing, but here's the deal. For all you holier than thou, cunts that tried to make racism a Boston thing. And I'm not, I can't defend Boston, nor will I. It is an overtly racist, yet liberal, fucking bizarre place. Like I think the reason why it's so democratic is because so many people in Boston want to get a fucking state job so they don't have to work. I mean, that was a lot of my friends. I want to get

on the dole. I want to lean on a fucking shovel and I'll get the benefits dough, you know, the fuck. There's a lot of that going that yet it's still just fucking overtly racist. But having said that, all you people that fucking wrote like Boston was the worst fucking city ever. And also believe that racism is in the South and in Boston become a comedian and travel the road. And tell me what you think because that has not been in my experience. And I'm not going to fucking be a douche now and name a bunch of towns or countries that I've been to. But I got to tell you that, I don't know, it's weird. It's on one level where I think we've progressed a long way, as far as maybe in the media. It's not as bad. But sometimes I just think that people just know

what not to say now. But on another level, I think, you know, if the dollar collapsed, another Hitler could come along and fucking crush it. No problem. There would be enough. There would definitely be enough people signing up for that at that point, so they could get that chicken noodle soup and get a nice fucking outfit, you know, and take out whoever the fuck he's supposed to take out. I basically, that's what I have. I have after traveling all that I've traveled, I have no faith in humanity. That's such a terrible thing to say, but it's true. It's awful. It's fucking awful. And you know what? PK's brother actually plays for the minor league Bruins. I don't know his name, he plays goal. And so now this kid has to put on the fucking jersey

of a fan base that not only said the most offensive word to his race, but called his brother that. I mean, it's just fucking, I just wish, you know something, I don't want like a big brother or anything like that. The only time I'm pro big brother is I really wish that when you wrote shit like that, that all of a sudden like one of those police helicopters would just be circling your fucking house and then you had to go to work the next day, hang in your head in shame, because it's such a pussy fucking thing to do. And unfortunate, and it takes away from this amazing series, the Bruins versus the Canadians, which is going to go seven games. And already there's a bunch of great storylines going on in it. And the Canadians have a great fucking team.

So the Bruins, I feel like the Canadians are on the way up and we're getting a little bit old, yet we have this young defense. I gotta tell you, dude, I'm fucking loving Dougie Hamilton, you know, just in because he's young, he shoots the puck all the time. I feel and he's coming down offensively and like, I don't know, whenever you get like an older defenseman, it just seems they never shoot the puck. They always do the smart play. And you sit there like blowing out your fucking voice box screaming at the TV going, shoot the fucking thing. Just shoot it. All right. And I know they know the game way more than me, but that doesn't stop me from show the fucking thing screaming. You never have to yell at it. Dougie Hamilton. It's great. He

just shoots it. Krug's the same way. Fucking phenomenal. By the way, I absolutely loved Johnny Boychuk Boychuk Johnny Boychuk celebration. When he fucking blasted that one in from the blue line, the fucking Howard's a shot and when he put his hands up in the air, I swear to God, he did his own version of the Frank the tank. Remember Frank the tank in old school when he started fucking doing the thing like he was anti aircraft gun. He did his a little slower. So I think he was doing more six shooters, but that's got to be the fucking greatest feeling ever in the NHL. You're a defenseman. You can skate 90 miles an hour backwards. And then you bring it into the offensive zone and you just from the blue line, a fucking bomb goes right

through everybody right into the back of the net. That's got to be the greatest feeling ever. So whatever. So the first one, the next game is going to be in Montreal and game three is always a fucking crucial one in the seven game series. I think if the Bruins win it, we're definitely going to win the series. I would say we'll definitely win the fucking series. If we lose that game, it's it's going to be an uphill battle. I still think we can do it just because we have enough guys who are experienced. But I don't know that game's reason motherfucker. Oh, by the way, look at the Blackhawks. All right, they now they won six in a row. Those motherfuckers are going to win it all again. And I think that we can get to the finals and I'm worried that it's going to be

the same problem that we ran into last year, which was they were just too deep. They just had too many fucking guys. You know, Patrick Kane, Hossa, Jonathan Taves, and then you got their great defense, you know, Duncan Keith, C. Rook and all those guys. It's just it's just too fucking. You know, you like, you just don't get time off, man. It's fucking they are still they're still the team to beat. And I think that they can I mean, they win it again this year. That's 2010 2000. No, wait, there was a 2010, then we won it in 11. Who won 2012? They won it last year, obviously. Oh, the Kings. Oh, so that wouldn't be a dynasty because they would won three and five years. They'll give you three out of four. They'll call it a dynasty back

of the day. He had to win three years in a row to be a dynasty. But either way, three and five years would be the shit. So I mean, my money's on them to win it all. I just don't see, you know, barring injury. I just don't see anybody stopping them. I hate to say it. I mean, I'm obviously my heart, my brain tells me that my heart's for the Bruins though, but it's been amazing. And I've been kind of watching a little bit of the NBA playoffs. They look like they're fucking great too, but I just I just don't watch the shit. You got to pick one or the other. Dude, I gotta tell you right now, if you're watching all the NHL and all the NBA playoffs, you have no fucking life. There's no, especially the first round. Jesus Christ, you're gonna fucking watch 16 Playoff series or whatever

the hell it is. There's no way you can do it. Hey, Bill, we're not arguing with you. Fucking relax. Okay. All right, here we go. Let's let's read a little bit of advertising here. How far into this thing are we feel? Give him a run. Oh, Jesus, fucking half hour already. All right. All right, sherry's berries, everybody. Here's the theme. Treat mom to some sherry's berries. Our good friends at sherry's berries, they're back. Order giant freshly dipped strawberries from sherry's berries starting at $19.99 over a 40% savings or double the berries for just $10 more. Go to berries.com, click on the mic in the upper right hand corner and enter my code burp. B-U-R-R when you order. I gotta tell you, a bunch of people have ordered these off of my podcast

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Never be caught off guard again. And with Evoise, you can try it before you buy it. Right now, just for my listeners, you can get a free 60 day trial. Uh, go to Evoise.com and enter promo code bill, B I L L at checkout. Take charge of your business and make more money in 2014. Go to Evoise.com and enter bill at checkout for your 60 day free trial. That's Evoise.com promo code bill. Um, bup, bup, bup, bup. All right. I'll read the last three a little bit later. Okay, now let's continue on. Um, I did something very unred head ish yesterday. I actually went to the beach. Um, not cause I wanted to, my wife wanted to go and, uh, I gotta tell you, I don't like the beach. All right. It's fucking dirty and it's too hot. I'm not built for it. You know, people

just stare at me like, look at it. Is it going to take its shirt off? Or at least I feel like they are, you know, I go out there and it's just, it's a shit show. It's a fucking shit show. But, uh, I love my wife. So I took it and she has a great time soaking up the sun. She absolutely loves it and it's just one of those things I have to deal with. You know, it's funny. We were at a mall cause I had to buy some sunglasses cause this fucking dickhead bus boy stole my sunglasses. I got this nice pair of sunglasses. I did this acting gig, right? And in the end, they got everybody something, got a really nice pair of sunglasses that actually looked really good on my fat fucking head. And, uh, I went into a vegan restaurant, everybody.

Vegan fucking restaurant. My favorite vegan restaurant in Los Angeles. Could I sound more pretentious? I'm bitching about sunglasses that I got for free for working in, acting in a movie. And now I'm going to a vegan restaurant and now I'm going to bitch because the bus boy stole them. And yeah, I am. That's how out of touch I am. If you don't fuck that douche, I was a bus boy and I didn't steal shit. I fucking sat him down. I walked out and I, the time took me to walk to my car. I said, oh, fucking, I turned back and my table was clear and they had already sat down two other fucking emaciated fucks, you know, to eat some brown rice and beans. And I go, I left my sunglasses and they can't, they can't, they can't. I go to the bus boy, cleared up the table, ask him. And he's

just like, yay. He said he didn't see him. And then I was just like, yeah, oh really? So I'm not going to get him back. Basically, basically saying that he fucking swiped them. And then she's just like, no, like they, people have found iPads and they did. Yeah. Cause it's fucking big. It's a fucking iPad. That pisses me off. You know, something I don't mind losing a pair of sunglasses in a steakhouse, you know, to use stereotypes. You expect somebody to do that. Been a fucking vegan restaurant. This isn't supposed to be all like, hey, man, like namaste. You know, happy Tuesday, man. This is the only Tuesday in May is good, man. Right. That's supposed to be that vibe. I just kept picturing some douche out at a party wearing those fucking glasses.

You know, and I had all these fucking Jason Statham fantasies of how I action hero my way into getting my fucking sunglasses back. Except I have such a temper even in my fucking fantasies. I still punched him in the face through my glasses and broke them. You want them? Stuck in your fucking head. That pissed me off. So anyway, so, uh, so we go out to the beach and we're out. This is mall in Malibu. Right. And it's just like the trophy wife fucking it's, it's unreal. It's unreal. Like they're walking around and trophy wife, you know, a trophy wife because she's, you know, she's still trying to look hot like well into her fifties. She has kids. It's like, you did it. You're married. Yeah. You have kids. Why are you still trying to look fuckable? Just

look like a mom. It's great. Comfortable clothes. Give into it. But the thing is, is they don't have, they don't have like, uh, I think that they know that the second they let it slide, you know, that, that they're going to get traded in or something. I don't know what it is. They all looked leased to me, you know? So anyway, so I went over there and bought a pair of fucking sunglasses. Then I went to the goddamn beach, kept my t-shirt on the whole fucking time. I just sat there putting on sunblock 50. Oh, Nia Elso said, you know, should we get an umbrella? You want to get an umbrella? So like he can like sit in the shade. And I was like, no, I don't want it because I don't want to see him even like more of a freak. Um, and then when I got there, there was a bunch

of people with fucking umbrellas who actually had pigment and I felt like an asshole. And, uh, I don't know. I ended up just walking down along the water. The water was fucking ice cold. And, uh, even when I get like knee deep in the ocean, I just think like, you know, what if there's a fucking shark and just swims by and sees my white calf and it looks like a white calf and it looks like a fucking drumstick? Like, why would you go in this goddamn thing? I literally don't fucking understand it on like, I guess I do because people surf every day. Like, the amount of people that surf the whole life and they never get bit by a shark. This is the funny thing. They, uh, there's not a surfer I've ever met that hasn't seen one. I talked to someone in

Hawaii, right? And they were going like, uh, I go, dude, don't, don't you wait? Nervous, about sharks and like, well, I mean, you know, you try not to think about it. And I go, have you ever seen one? And she was just like, well, yeah, I just kind of lie to myself and say it's a purpose that maybe it's a purpose. Like you just see something big swim underneath you and you just fucking don't look at it like the way you don't look at a psycho on a subway train or whatever. I don't know. I really, I honestly do not have the fucking balls for that. So, um, anyways, oh, guess what? I rented this week. I rented a Chevy spark. Um, we're finally getting the downstairs fixed after all the water damage,

you know, this is fucking house is the money pit. And, uh, so again, that shit fixed downstairs. So I have my car, my truck in the garage and they got to bring all the shit in through the garage. So I had to, you know, I didn't want to leave my truck on the street because I was afraid it was going to get stolen. So I had to put that in fucking storage and Nia's working and shit. So now I had to go rent the car. So they said, what do you want? I said, let me get a midsize car, whatever fucking sedan. Perfect. So I show up down there and they did the classic like Griswold move to me where they bring out the family truckster and they basically like, well, the Camry or whatever the fuck is still being washed or Corolla is what it was,

but this one's already ready. And I was late. I had to get the fuck out of there. I already hated being there. So I say, yeah, fuck it. I'll take that little fucking car. Dude, it is the worst hunk of shit. You know, I don't, I don't get mad at cars for being what they are. If you're a little car and you're a great little car, I actually fucking love them. Like I like, you know, VW bugs and that type of shit, but this thing is so fucking underpowered just with one person in the car. If I put the AC on, it is literally screaming at like, I swear to God, like 4,000 RPMs going up like the littlest incline. But I got to tell you, having watched every episode of fast and loud, that would be a fucking hilarious car to redo

a Chevy spark. If you somehow yank that engine out and you could turbo charge a, maybe you could get a six in there and just put a fucking her shifter in there, I bet you could tip that fucking thing over. And there would no, no way would that car not be one of the most fun cars you would ever drive because it would be like driving this fucking, this turbo charged golf cart. That's all I keep thinking about that guy. Just keep thinking of the potential of that thing. And that is the fucking disease of watching. And the great thing about watching those car shows is rather than just accepting your car for what it is, you start getting fucking ideas like, Oh, what if I did this? What if I did that?

That's why I wanted somebody to paint my file cabinet, which by the way, I never even gave into. I finally just looked at it and I just hated the file cabinet so bad. I just, I gave it away to somebody. So it was a complete fucking loss. So any of you guys who've been asking me for pictures about my custom painted file cabinet, I ended up just giving it away. And I felt great. I felt like a weight was taken off my chest. There was just something about it that was just so fucking depressing to look at. I don't want to fucking file cabinet. That's one of the worst sounds ever, the opening and closing of a fucking file cabinet. Have you ever heard that sound and been where you wanted to be?

You know, it's just an awful sound. I remember that sound when I got my license back from drinking and driving and he opened it and fucking closed it. And he, as he was handing me the fucking license back, this steady, right as I went to grab it, he pulled it back away and he goes, wait, was it for 45 days or for 90? And just gave me that last little fucking heart attack. Just to be a dick in a good way to teach me a fucking lesson. I was speaking to that. Somebody told me on Twitter to watch this thing on Netflix on Green Berets. I don't even know if I rented the right one. There's a couple of them. The one that I rented was, I don't know, 11 weeks of hell or something. Hang on a second. Let me see

if I can find this shit. Oh, sorry, 11 weeks. Two weeks. Do you know why I said 11? Because of the two L's in hell. I swear to God, the way my brain works. This is the only fucking job I could ever do. So there's a couple. There's one natural degree of geographic special forces, whatever. There's two weeks in hell. I was watching this thing. They just showed the first couple of fucking days. I can tell you right now, there's no fucking way I could ever be a Green Beret. You lie to yourself having never been in the military that I could do that. You know, I put my fucking head down. No fucking way. Go on Netflix and check that out. That's my YouTube video of the week, except it's on Netflix. Watch two weeks of hell. I've only watched the first episode.

Dude, it's just fucking insane. The first day you're there, they have a thousand pound log that 12 guys grab and you're just sitting there bending over at the waist as you're holding it like you're going to do curls up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, like my lower back would just, that would be it. I would never walk right again. And then they have it on your shoulder and you got to pick it up over your head and then down. And then they're sitting there going, move the log around your head, not your head around the log. Number 167. What is your problem? They're fucking going off on them and you do that for like a fucking hour. Then they just have you rolling on the ground from one side of the pit to the other. And if you're too slow,

other people roll over you and it's supposed to make you dizzy and disoriented. And when you puke, you have to get up and run out of the pit. There's no puking in the pit, but they know you're going to puke. So you have to run out of the pit and puke. If you puke in the pit, you have to pick the puke up and put it in your pockets and then get back on the ground and start rolling again. And even the people who are dropping like flies, I got to commend them for even less than an hour of that shit. You got to see it. All right. If you think you're working out, doing your insanity workout, go fuck yourself and watch this thing. It's the sick. And now I'm just on the second episode where they're just showing the teamwork. Oh my God, dude, they have

one thing. They're in your middle of North Carolina and they call this thing like the star, where you have these five points that make a star that you have to find using navigation and you can't use your light and you can't go on the roads and you're just walking through the fucking forest. And when you come upon a river or a pond, you have to walk through the fucking thing. You can't go on a road and they bust all, you can't sleep. They bust and they got these guys with these infrared goggles like Rambo hiding and catching all of these guys when they cheat and then you're out of the fucking program. It's just like, I don't think I could go more than 18 seconds watching this thing without going. I'd quit there. I'd quit there. I would fail that. The only thing

I thought I'd be halfway decent on is the, the obstacle course because I do pull ups and climb a rope. But even then I do pull ups and climb a rope after eight hours sleep and I had a nice bowl of oatmeal. You know, my wife gives me a kiss on a cheek and then I go down there and I do is, I go in, you know, I do as many as I can until it starts to hurt. Oh, that hurts. And then I stop. Jesus, I thought I was way closer to being a green beret than I actually am. I thought I was only, you know, 1 million miles away from it. I didn't realize I was light years away. So anybody listen to this, if you ever even attempted to become one, if, or if you are one or whatever, if you have any fucking personal stories that you could send in about attempting that, I don't know, the level

of pain, whatever, what it's like to scoop up puke and put it in your fucking pockets. I mean, Jesus, Christ. You know what's funny is those, you know, when you join a frat, they go ahead, they have hell week and all that type of shit. Like anybody who's a green beret should be an honorary member, member of every fraternity in the country because I know that those fucking, why can't I remember how long it is? I want to say two weeks. It is two weeks. I keep thinking 11 that right there. Dude, look at that. I am already fucked in the head before they actually deprived me of sleep. They asked this one guy, they go, how long you been in here? And he said hash browns. And this is the thing. He didn't take a headshot. It's not like a football player.

They just had him pick a log up for a fucking hour and roll around in the ground and they asked him, they asked him something like that, like, how you feeling? And he said hash browns. So I don't know, Jesus Christ, if that doesn't make you want to watch it, I don't know what will. All right, let's get on to the, the questions for the week. All right, no bends in Israel. Oh Jesus, did I make an ass to myself last week? Somebody sent me a letter last week. And the guy said, hi, my name is Ben and I'm from Israel. And I said, dude, there's no fucking bends in Israel. Like I thought that was more of an American name. And I've met a bunch of people from Israel and they always have these crazy fucking names. Most of them begin with a Y, you know,

you know, like these bad ass, like I know Israeli martial arts, mousad kind of fucking names, right? I never heard of Ben. Hey, my name's Skippy. That just sounded like a regular fucking name to me. So anyways, and I got corrected brutally in this fucking email here. Bill, you said on your 428 14 podcast that no one from Israel is named Ben, dude, their prime minister is named Benjamin Netanyahu. They're fucking president basically is named Benjamin. Well, I probably didn't hear it because they always say his whole name Benjamin Netanyahu. You know, like you ever think how many sports guys have really fucking awful names, but you never notice it until they just say their first

name. But if you hear the whole name, I can't think of a name, but there's a couple of people that just have really fucking awful goddamn names. Let me think. I don't know. I'll think of one. I won't think of one. I'll walk around and all of a sudden it'll just pop in my head. Maybe I'll bring it up next week. But yeah. All right. So you got me. Number two, solid info, Bill, except Ben is a name of Hebrew origin. It means son of the south or son of the right hand. Hold yourself a press conference. I don't know what that means. All I know is that's an unbelievably arrogant name to name your kid. Son of the right hand. I'm assuming of God. Jesus Christ. Way to give the kid a complex the second he comes out of the womb. He's got to live up to that name.

Why don't you go native American? You know, like he who sits with the Hawks, you know, you got to do is hang out with some fucking birds and your dad loves you. Number three, how about Ben Stiller, your blockhead? What about him? I'm going to Google him right now. Why are you acting like that guys? Is he from Israel? Oh, Jesus, am I making another fucking moron? I thought he's from New York. Ben Stiller. Born in Brooklyn. The fuck. I mean, I know I'm German and Irish. My name is in Wolfgang. You know, I have a bill. I guess that's probably an English name. I don't fucking know, you know, go, you know, something. This is what I don't like about this shit is listen, look at the way this dude calls me out. He can't just say, Hey, you made

a fucking honest mistake. Right? He goes, Bill, I know you're going to get a ton of me emails about this Ben thing because you're wrong as fuck. Great debating skills. Now, do you have a counter argument? Yeah, this guy's wrong as fuck. Anyways, he goes, Bill, but I know you're going to admit you're wrong because that's what you do best. You're always ready to admit when you're wrong. And that my friend means you're a trustworthy person. Oh, look at him now. Now that he fucking called me a moron. Here he is. He's bringing me back into this, this fucking sadistic relationship. I'm sorry, baby. I shouldn't have said those things about you. Come on. Let me, let me go buy your burger. Anyways, he says a true sign of honesty. No, sir, it isn't. It just gets somebody's

honest on a podcast doesn't mean they fucking walk around doing trust. I'm a complete piece of shit. But I appreciate it. Anyways, read this email after the others and realize I could be a great publicist if you need one. I'll be the Benicio del Toro to your Johnny Def like in fear and loathing. I'll be a bit of a mess. You know, some drugs and I don't know where this guy's going with this shit. All right, probiotics. Thank you for letting me know, sir. Benjamin Netanyahu. I never noticed his first name was Ben. There's just so many syllables and letters like that's a name like, you know, when somebody drives by in a car and they try to yell something at you and you just hear, that's like what that guy's name is Benjamin Netanyahu. How the fuck

am I supposed to even notice Ben? And if you get to Jim in Netanyahu, it's fucking gone. Like the Ben part, it's like being part of a part of a large family trying to get your story into the dinner table. I was getting who I fucked up. All right, I have to be honest with you. Like I forget Obama's first name a lot of the times because I don't pay attention to politics. And it's always like Obamacare. Oh, you know, that's what you get for voting for Obama. You surprised Obama a lot and they just keep saying Obama, Obama, Obama. Nobody ever says his first fucking name. I guess they would say Clinton. They said Bush. I don't know. I had to sit there and think, what the fuck is this guy's first name? That's how

out of it I am. So if I don't even know my president's first name, Barack, where I got to think about it, how the fuck am I going to know Benjamin Netanyahu? I can't stand looking at that part of the fucking world anyways. That's such a shit show over there. And the way that whole thing was fucking handled to right a wrong with another wrong and then the wrong becomes the so-called right become the wrong. It's just the whole fucking thing is absolutely ridiculous. They should just take everybody out of there. Palestinians and Jews and you just fucking, I don't know, push the whole thing into the ocean. And just why don't you guys go live in a place where you just, just look at it like, oh, I like this street, you know, rather than tying all that

stupid fucking religious horseshit into that part of the world. This is where God, Jesus used the porta potty and he said, I love everybody, but I love you guys best. But whatever the fuck it is, everybody's the chosen one, you bunch of fucking babies. That's the dumbest shit ever. Yeah, I'll probably get a bunch of emails on that, but I really feel that like I swear to God, if I was part of either one of those groups, I would just be like, you know what, I'm fucking, I'm going to move to Rhode Island. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Fuck this. You want it, it's yours. Go ahead. Give us a fuck. Sit there dealing with this Hat Field in McCoy's shit for the rest of my goddamn life. I want to go, I want to go ride a boogie board.

I want to take a cooking class. I don't want to fucking deal with this shit. You know, I don't know. It's like I got burned out on that Yankees Red Sox shit after a while. After a while, you're just like, yeah, I did reduce it to that. It's fucking childish. There you go. The guy who didn't know that Benjamin was in Israeli's name is telling that entire part of the world to grow up after the fan base of the team he loves dropped the N-word this week. How's that? You like that? How's that for you? That's not a big bully hypocrisy for you? Well, get used to it. Oh, by the way, last night I came home and I was an absolute fucking saint. My wife was sitting down and she was watching that guy there who, who basically he has all

the real housewives get on the show and then he just stokes the flames to get them arguing. And it was the Nini Leaks group of people and I sat there and didn't say a fucking word. And it might have been some of the meanest, most horrific shit. I've ever heard people say to each other and they all just look tired. They just look spent. They have these ugly fucking looks on their faces and they were just saying all of this hurtful shit to each other. And I didn't say a fucking word. I usually go, how can you watch this shit? You know, I thought you were a feminist. How can you watch this shit? This is like depicting women like they can't even get along for five seconds. And I didn't say shit

last night and actually Nia came in afterwards and was like, I had to shut that off. I actually had a physical reaction to trying to watch this. Some of the meanest shit I've ever heard anybody say to each other. And I think I'm done with that show. So there's one for the guys out there. Just stop complaining. Just sit there in silence. If you just sit there in silence and let those women's voices, you know, I shouldn't even say those women, just say those people because I'm not trying to make it a female thing. One of them said to the other one, I mean, dude, it was like, it was be on a roast. It would have got groans. This woman's trying to get pregnant using a sperm donor. And this woman was saying like, you have to do that because you don't have a man.

So now some guy who wants $10 to go buy a pizza is now going to go jerk off into a cup. And you don't know if you're going to have a serial killer or a child molester for a baby because you don't have a man. And then she said something sassy after that, like, you know, I don't know, I don't, I'm not up on sass, you know, put that in your checkbook and fucking cash it or whatever the fuck. I don't know what the fuck she said. But it was, it was just like, and you just saw the fucking hurt on the other woman's face. Like she almost, and then another woman who also doesn't like that woman like laughed. It was fucking, it was fucking brutal. I mean, I mean, like fucking comedians that I've hung out with from Patrice O'Neill rest his soul

to Keith Robinson, those two alone and rich boss, like some of this shit that they said, like this like paled in comparison. Jesus fucking Christ. It was brutal, but I didn't say a fucking word. I don't know. I was in the zone. I didn't say anything. I just sat there and I was looking at a drum magazine and I was occasionally look up and I didn't say a fucking word. And then finally, everything that I wanted her to think about the show finally happened. I think because I finally shut the fuck up and she could actually listen to it. Or maybe they truly just went way too far. Um, she said she was done with that show. So now I have this hope that if I just shut the fuck up during all of these reality shows where it's a bunch of fucking people, men and

women just yelling at each other that she'll finally stop watching them and then start watching sports. I know that's not going to happen, but I can, I can fucking dream, right? I can have a dream. All right, you know, my dream is right now is to read these next three ads without making too many fucking mistakes. Okay. All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Nothing feels better than that first shave with a fresh blade, right? It's smooth. It's close. And the blade is as sharp as it's ever going to be. It feels absolutely fantastic. But thanks to the big shaving companies, ridiculous prices, you can't afford it to use a fresh blade every week. Or even if you can, the sheer principle of having to overpay for that little piece of crap that

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shit out of my liver. All right. Just for the fun of it, let's do a little conspiracy research here. All right. Acid. Come on, Bill. You can do it. The word is right in front of you. Acidophilus side effects. Let's see what comes up. You know, where Griffin gets paid every time they play that fucking song or his dead body does. This product contains the bacteria, which is naturally found in the stomach, some conditions such as an antibiotic use can cause problems with the normal balance of bacteria, resulting in diarrhea. This product can help restore the normal balance. The product has been used for vaginal urinary tract infections. Some diet supplement products

have been forced to contain, wait a minute, some diet supplement products have been forced to contain possibly harmful impurities additives. Check with your pharmacist for more details regarding the particular brand you use. Also, it's pretty much straight up. You just got to make sure you don't get a bad one. The FDA has not reviewed this product for safety or effectiveness. Consult your pharmacist for more details. Well, there you go, sir. Wait, when was this written? May 5th, 2014. Now, this is the thing. Is this some other company just putting this out because they have another pill so that they're just writing bad shit? Like the people who made jeeps at the Suzuki Samurai tipped over when it didn't because they wanted to sell more jeeps?

How do you know who to believe? I'm at medicine.net. That's pretty fucking, I don't know. I don't know. Does that seem like that's doctor.com? I don't know. That sounds kind of fucking generic. I don't know. Whatever. So he's saying it's fantastic. What do I know? What does he know? What does anybody know? I don't know. I'm going to keep fucking reading. Number two, kefir or kefir, K-E-F-I-R is like normal yogurt, but has many more strains of good bacteria in it like those pills you were looking at. I drink it in the morning to respect my stomach after a night of boozing. It's at all the grocery stores. All right. Well, fuck it. I'll try that. See how I feel. Thank you for the information.

Somebody was also saying that Stony Brook yogurt is all natural. Stony field. Stony field yogurt. I just got to find out where to get it because I'm trying to get in shape for my damn special coming up. Also, by the way, tickets going on sale for my special will be in the next week. I'll have more information. Sorry, I have an Asian band. Doesn't that sound like an Asian karate movie? To first learn the way, you must walk the way. All right. I get it. Don't you know I'm not going to fucking pick it up after this? Fucking 15 rings. All right. Thanks for no music. That's funny. Thanks for no music. And then there was some music right there. Thanks for no music. Billy boy,

I'm so fucking glad that your podcast doesn't start with music. Now that I said that the next one probably will. I don't enjoy it when podcasts try to go pro and slick it all up to look real or rigid. Fuck that. Just shut up and talk. I say, all right. Well, I'm not doing that because I'm trying to be a purist. I got into this business because I didn't want to have a job. So I don't edit these. I just sit down. I talk for the most part. I don't have guests, although I did a special one last week. I did an extra one with a director Stephen Brill of the movie walk of shame that I have. Jesus. Now that you have passed the first test, it is now time to start your log training.

Sorry. That just sounds like the music in every fucking awesome karate movie that you watch. It makes you want to get in shape and start punching wood. Then you realize it hurts so you quit. All right. Oh yeah. So I had Stephen Brill come in and he was talking about the movie I got to do last year with Ethan Souplay and Elizabeth Banks. And it came out and people said a bunch of nice stuff. I guess they liked the work that I did it. They said I was funny. Thank God. And I appreciate that. So if you get a chance, you got some money to spend, check out walk of shame. And if you don't want to go to the movies because you have a great your own entertainment system, you can actually download it off of

iTunes immediately. It's the new way they're going to do movies, which I think is brilliant. Makes me want to upgrade my system at home. It's fucking perfect. Download. It's like six bucks or something like that. Costs you less money. You don't have to go anywhere. Pop it in. Support the podcast, my career and the friends I worked with. Come on. Do me a solid. Let's sink with the Maya, everybody. Watch walk of shame. All right. Here's the next one. Balding at 19. Dear Bill Emoji. I don't know what that means. Did I say it right? You guys just tripped me up right and left this week. First, I'd like to apologize for my English. Dude, your fucking English is amazing already. I know I can't say first. I'd like to apologize for my

French and I've been working on this shit for over a month in Spanish. I can't even suck at it. Yo tengo pero. Pero. I say it right. Ah, fucking nice. Thank you. First, I'd like to apologize for my English since it's not my native language. I hope this won't give you difficulties reading out loud because that would really make the podcast lose its momentum. You're being sarcastic. This happens every week. Anyway, I am a 19 year old male and I'm balding for a long time. I hadn't noticed because I had longer hair. When I recently got my haircut, I discovered my hair had started thinning a long time ago. How the fuck do I deal with this? Girls will often call me attractive, but I know I am not attractive in a very masculine way. So buzzing it would hardly

make me feel like a badass. I probably have a dick shaped skull hiding under my thinning mane anyways. Oh, anyways, so that would make me look extra ridiculous. Besides that, I feel like I'm at an age where my hair is still a big part of my identity and losing it feels like losing it away. Oh, it feels like losing a way to express myself in some way. Losing hair at a young age like this feels like a one way ticket to mediocrity, always being one step behind the rest for the rest of my life. What's your advice on this? Since you don't exactly have your Axl Rose mane anymore either. Thanks for the podcast. I loved your show on Amsterdam. Oh, well, thanks for coming out. I'd love to go into Amsterdam. It was a privilege to come to your

country and do my little fucking dance. All right. Your fucking feelings are natural, especially at 19. When I first figured out I was losing my hair in my early 30s, I freaked the fuck out. I couldn't believe it. Like how could this happen to me? I was like Nancy Carrigan. I just sat down. We're going, why, why, why? And then as I always do, I just fucking go, all right, this is the situation. I can either sit here and act like a fucking bitch or I cannot try to find the positive. And I was just like, I always, this is what I always try to do. I just look for people who are in my situation or worse that succeeded. And that's who I think about. I immediately just looked at fucking guys like Ed Harris, Woody Harrelson.

I'm like, they're still leads and movies and still crushing it and getting nominated for. So, if I want to let it stop me, it will. Who gives a fuck? Well, you've got a whole bunch of options now. You can either try and fight it or you can just say, fuck it like I did. Um, you know, I just find just given into, I just find, uh, given into it is way fucking easier. It's just easier to say, all right, well, I guess I'm going to be that guy. I'll be the friend in the movie. I won't be the lead. So who gives a fuck? You know, you're still in the movie. I know you don't do that for a fucking limit. Okay. First of all, I would say, but as far as like buzzing your head, like you have no idea what your head looks like until you do it.

And you might as well fucking do it. It's a fucking, it's great having a shaved head. I would fucking just see what it looks like and maybe it looks cool. And then here's the deal. If you, if you bald young, this is how you catch up, is if you keep, if you stay in shape, because most people, it's an absolute shit show by the time that 35 may balding at 19, yeah, that's going to fucking suck. But this is the thing, like women really respect confidence. And if you carry yourself and you just make jokes about your fucking hairline, you have a sense of humor about it. Like there's something about it that I don't know,

women really respond to that. I mean, other guys will still break your balls or whatever, but like they just fucking respond to it because it's a great character trait that you're, you have a sense of humor about it. You're, you're dealing with, you know, some form of adversity. You're not being a pussy and letting it drag it down. Like, oh my God. This is making me start to think that it's actually serious. I never get phone calls. If I have a host a late night fucking, I can read your mind. Michelle, this is going to be the music. I'll look all mysterious and I'll have like eyeliner. Yeah. Your whole thing. I feel like it's a one-way ticket to mediocrity. The one-way ticket to

mediocrity is believing that you're on the road to a one-way ticket to mediocrity. You know, fortunately, women are way more forgiving of physical flaws than guys are. Um, so dude, you're 19 years old, uh, just stay in shape and go out there and crush it. Talk shit, fucking hit on women that are allegedly way out of your league. Just swing for the fucking fences and do the same thing with, as far as whatever dream you have, as far as your dream job, just absolutely swing out of your fucking shoes every time you get in it bad. And you know, honestly, dude, if your fucking hairline is going to stop you, I mean, Jesus Christ, okay, you're better than that. You're better than that. Come on, man. You're

over there in Europe. You probably can speak more than one language. There's no fucking reason hairline or no hairline that you shouldn't be out there just fucking crushing it. And if you don't, you have no one to blame but yourself. And I'm not being hard on you. I'm just letting you know that you have all the power. You hold your fucking destiny in your hand. All right. And there you go. And here's the upside. You're only 19. By the time you fucking 30, God knows what they'll have if you want to have it come back. You know, that's what I'm doing. I'm holding out. By the time I'm like fucking 60, they're going to have the cure. But by then, who gives a fuck? I'm 60. And then I think it'll actually be cool. It's like, it's like having

a civil war fucking facial hair, except you're not a fucking hipster. You actually fought in a civil war. I'll be that bald guy. I'll be the last one. Yeah, I recently just buzzed my head down. I grew it back out. I buzzed it initially, and then I got an acting work and they wanted me to grow it out a little bit. And then for the next couple of years, I kept it. And yeah, so you're losing, hey, just like, what is the fucking point of this shit? Keep going to get a haircut and paying for a full fucking haircut. This is bullshit. These people are dogging it. There's not enough up there. So you just buzz it down and it's just, I don't know. I like it. I am, especially in the business I am,

I am 100% of the view of the viewpoint of not thinking what do they want more coming what this is what I look like. And I get it if you don't want to cast me, you know, how am I going to, and I'm never going to know it's because of my hairline. I'm never going to call me up. Just to let you know, I'm just going to think I didn't get the fucking part. But you know, you just keep looking at how you fucking look and either they hire you, you don't fuck them. But at the end of the day, the word, if say I never get another acting job because of that, then all I do is tell jokes in theaters for the rest of my fucking life. I mean, I won. So fuck it. And how did I win, sir? Cause I went after my dream, my dream job too. So that's

what the fuck you should do. And as you get older, I'm telling you the big thing is not going to be your hair. It's going to be that you don't have mantits. You don't have like your body doesn't look like the aftermath of a fucking mudslide. That is something that they're, you know, you need it literally. I don't know. I don't know how you make a comeback from that. It gets to the point where it's so fucking stretched out. Ah, geez. And I'll make it fat. People feel bad. I mean, they have operations for that, which look better than hair plugs. I'm just saying whatever, dude, just fucking don't come at me with that negative shit. That made me sad to read that, that you feel that shit about yourself. All right, fucking, you know, go have some probiotics and do some

pushups. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. All right. There you go. All right. My new lady. My new lady. Hey, Bill Burr, I have a major problem. My new lady of about three months has opened a can of worms on me. We're both in our mid thirties, never been married and have no kids. Um, you know, I don't know why that just reminded me of a joke in my act that I wanted to do, that I had to do with watching women doing floor exercises at the gym to write this down. Floor exercises. And there you go. I'm done writing the joke. That's how I write people. I'll write that and I'll write it on a cocktail napkin and I'll look down and it will say floor exercises and then I'll tell the story and then it'll probably bomb, but there'll be a couple

rays of light that I will walk towards. And that's how it works. You like that? That was inside the comedy studio. I'm sorry. I gotta stop smoking cigars. I got two more left, two more Cubans from overseas and then I am done. I'm done. I can't let them go to waste. So I'm going to finish them and it's fucking done and I'm not going to smoke for a long time. I made the decision this morning when I woke up and my fucking mouth tastes like an ashtray. And I also found when you have a bunch of Cuban cigars and you just start smoking them all the time, you don't, they don't taste as good anymore. They just taste like a cigar. So it's like having steak every night. So I need to fuck off with that because it's a really bad habit. All right. Having said that, I just bought a

humidor yesterday. Jesus, if I can pick a side of the fence. All right, my new lady. All right, we're both in our mid 30s and never been married and have no kids. She's bright, sexy, funny and quite wealthy. I love her. She comes from an Irish American descent and her first name is, I'm not going to say what her first name is. No problem. So as far, okay, no problem so far you say, true. However, two weeks ago, we were enjoying each other's company having sex over there and my new lady whispered, oh no. Oh my God. Oh Jesus. All right, you guys at work right now? You guys at work, turn this up a little bit because you're not going to want to miss this. Okay. Turn around. Look around your cubicle. Make sure the boss isn't

coming. Turn your open for business sign to close. All right. I usually don't name names. Now I got to name the name. Okay. Her name is Bernadette. Okay. And I'm only saying that because this is pivotal. She goes, however, two weeks ago, we were enjoying each other's company and my new lady whispered basically during sex that Burr, B E R short for Bernadette would like it up the ass. That's what she said. Burr would like it up the ass. Oh wait, did you think of me then? Oh no. That's hilarious. Oh shit. He goes delighted with the opportunity. I assumed the position and an awful thought suddenly struck me. Burr is pronounced the same as Burr. And my problems

began. Oh no. You didn't have a performance problem. Did you? He goes, I can only picture your red-ed and freckled face looking over a shoulder at me. I tried mushing your face into the pillow, but I'm in my mind. All I could hear your muffled Bostonian twang shouting, go fuck yourself. This is killing me now. And it's stuck in my head. Every time we get friendly or anytime I call, I call her Burr, your face pops in my mind. I'm going crazy. What can, can you suggest? Should I just dump her? Go fuck yourself. Oh God. You ruined my name for me. What do you do? First of all, stop listening to my comedy and my podcast immediately. Cold turkey. And then second of all, I guess you got to fucking decide.

This is what I would say to, I'd say, listen, you got to stop referring to yourself. Is that name? I would just be honest. Listen, I got to tell you something. All right. You know, when you said Burr would like it up the ass. Oh my God. You just got to tell it the fucking story. Oh my God. That's the creepiest fucking email I've ever read. Jesus Christ. Dude, I really feel bad for you, but it's also fucking funny as hell. I'm sorry. I'm ruining your sex life. Yeah, man, you got to stop listening to the podcast. I don't know what that would do. Oh my God. Do you know what that reminded me of one time?

You have a data, you have a data or go out with a girl that has the same first name as your mother. I mean, and it doesn't, the first thing when you're young, you go, oh, she has the same name as my mom. Maybe this is meant to be, you know, I love my mother. Maybe I'll love this woman. Maybe she's the one. And then the first time you're having sex and you go to say their name, it's just like, it's over. It's fucking over. So I don't know what to tell you, dude. Jesus Christ. If I knew, I don't read these things before I fucking look at these things. If I knew that one was coming, I would have closed on that one. I don't know how to, how do you follow that one? You know what? I'll tell you how you follow it with an email, transgender athletes.

Hey, Billy, beer, belly. I fucking hate how fucking true that is. I'm a lady listener on your podcast. Oh, thank God a woman wrote in. Jesus, I wish you guys would do that more often. Try to balance this out. He goes, I'm a lady listener of your podcast and think your opinions are often really honest and truthful. Why do I sense a fucking uppercut coming? So I was hoping, hoping you could give your opinion on something. All right. She said, I just started getting really interested in trans rights, transgender athletes rights, okay, and have become a major advocate for the lovely people that end up having to fight such a difficult uphill battle. I am definitely convinced that trans people, why does she, why does she have like a fucking asterisk next to it?

Trans people really should be allowed to be the gender they identify with, identify as without discrimination. But the issue is still hard for me to grasp is that of trans athletes competing in professional sports, it seemed like it could be unfortunate. It seems like it could unfortunately be an unfair advantage for the trans woman, meaning they were born with male genitalia, but identify as a woman because of their extra testosterone and bigger build. I am really conflicted on the issue and wonder what you think. Yeah, I definitely, yeah, there was a while ago, there was a dude who wanted to be a woman, became a woman, and he was a professional tennis player, and he just started crushing it on the female like whatever he was ranked as a guy, he was ranked way

higher. And yeah, I don't think that that's fair. But there's not enough of them to start their own league. So I don't know what you do. Maybe they should start their own. Why don't they start their own like NFL or something transgender NFL? Is that bad? I don't understand like the women started WNBA? Why don't they start a trend? That's that maybe that's the solution. You got the I have a dick and always had one and want to continue having one. And then you have the I have a vag. I'm happy with it. You have both those leagues. And then you could have another league. You know, I'm a seeker. That'd be a good name for a team, right? The fucking Omaha seekers. Why not? And I think the biggest problem with the league was figuring out when to air it so you

could get some TV time. Now, then you just have the fucking transgendered Oprah. You don't start his her own fucking network. I mean, it's just it's just fucking sitting there. I think the big problem that a lot of people make is they try to go when you're doing something that different is you try to you're so hooked on the mainstream. Like I want to be accepted the way somebody who isn't transgender is accepted like walking around that should be the deal. But like there's actually something to be said for being, you know, to not be in mainstream. I mean, there's a bunch of bands that aren't mainstream that have this underground following that make a really good living. I mean, I'm making a great living as a comedian. I don't have a fucking TV show. Never had one.

You know, so I guess why, you know, you could you could start you'd start your own shit. And then if you start your own shit, you want it like Dana White. I don't know. That's how I always look at shit. I never look at it like, Hey, let's join the thing that already exists. It already exists. So shit is set in stone. The fuckovers are already in there. And the people getting paid. I mean, you got to get, you know, you got to spill some blood now to try to fucking change it. Or you could just start your own shit. Right? Like the AFL. Who knows one day you get so successful, they try to buy you out. I don't know. Anyways, where am I going here? MAM MMA fighter. Fallon Fox is an example of a trans woman who is trying to compete professionally.

If you want a reference. Oh, yeah, yeah. See, now that's the kind of thing. I mean, that that is like an unfair advantage. I mean, you know, you're removing. All right, the dude's dick, but not his shoulders. That is kind of fucked up then. Cause then it's like a dickless dude is beating the shit out of a woman. That's good. But it's not like a domestic violence. It's a fight. I don't know. And I would say every woman in the MMM MMA, I can say this with confidence could kick my ass with ease. So maybe it isn't, I don't fucking know. I don't know. Whatever. It's, you know what it is? It's brand new. So we got to fucking throw them in the mix and see how it all settles. There you go. Kind of copped out on that one. I don't

have any fucking solutions. Sometimes I think you guys ask me this shit, just as fucking watch me talk myself into a goddamn corner. So there you go. There's an hour and 31 fucking minute podcast. I don't know how that happened, but somewhere in there, I tried to solve the problems in Israel and transgender sports and, uh, and then there was that other email. Jesus. All right, that's the end of this podcast, everybody. Uh, if you'd like to contribute to the podcast, you can always go to BillBurt.com and you can click on the podcast page. And if you want to buy something on Amazon, click on the Amazon banner. It'll take you right there. Buy something on Amazon and they'll kick me a link for, uh, driving traffic to this site. Uh, that is it. I'm going

to be in San Diego this weekend. We just added this date as I'm getting ready for my, uh, stand-up special. I will give you the city, um, because it looks like it might have changed. It might not have changed. I don't know. Shit is kind of up in the air, but the, the first couple of weeks of June it's going down and we might, I might have ticket information by the end of this, uh, this, uh, this week. So look for it on Twitter and on Facebook. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourself. I'll talk to you next week. Bye-bye. You're not from Pase and Ramadan with the amazing and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And look for the second episode on theworldinhetklein.be. That is it.