Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-13

Episode Date: May 7, 2013

Bill rambles about Hitler's love of the stars, fucking another woman in front of your wife, and Celtic pride.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday May the 6th, did you read your forecast for the day? What does it say? What is that shit called? Astrology? Well, we look up old fucking astrology right now. You know what? It's raining out here in Los Angeles. Everybody always freaks out. Oh my God, it's raining. I can't drive it. Here's astrology and what we have on here. Star of the day. Who will it be? George Clooney. Evidently, he's a Taurus and he was born today, May 6, 1961. Happy birthday to George Clooney, who turns 52 today. What kind of an asshole? I'll tell you what kind of an asshole looks this shit up. Adolf Hitler. And thank God

he did. Maybe if he didn't have his head up in the stars, he might have won that fucking war, right? And I'll tell you right now, most of us wouldn't be here, including myself. Do you think that beady little shark-eyed fucking Amy Schumer cheek psycho would fucking put up with my red-headed face walking around? I don't think he would. I don't think he would. I think he'd look at me and go, night! Oh shit. I drank like a fucking idiot yesterday. I was going so well, everybody, when I was fighting that demon, that little whore, that little harlot that I like to call alcoholism. I was doing so great. And by great, what I meant was I was actually working out in the morning before I went out and got shit-faced.

That's how I fucking wrestled that demon to the ground. Huh? You like that shit? Huh? Empty calories? Of course you have to have calories right here! Tap out, dude. Tap out. Um, no, I've been doing great. I've been doing the stairs. This is a set of stairs down the fucking street. And I know what most people see. Most people drive by. They see a set of stairs by that old freckle face here. You know what? I see a free gym. So I've been going up and down these fucking things. Alright? There's four sets of stairs and I'm doing them with Cleveland's own Jason Lawhead. Alright? There's four sets of stairs, so we're looking at it like a basketball game. Alright? The first set of stairs is the first quarter,

one stairs, second quarter. You get the idea, right? Something to take our mind off the fact that we're a couple of booze hounds trying to drag our fucking drunk asses, hungover asses up these stairs. So you basically, you go up, down, up. That's the first quarter. Then the second quarter is the short one. So that one you gotta run. You're trying to run them out of the building. Or if you walk it, that means, you know, you blew a fucking eight point lead, right? Up, down, up. And then we fucking the last two. Brutal, up, down, up, and then up, down, up. And then you walk all the way around. You loop around and then you got the last two and you go up, down, up, up, down, up. And that's fucking

overtime. And you basically want to kill yourself afterwards. But I gotta tell you something. You know, if you do that shit and you come home and you resist the urge to get a breakfast burrito, or whatever the fuck it is you do when you're neck of the woods, if you just have a, if you just sit there and you force yourself to eat like you're in a prison camp, the weight will come off. Why am I talking about this shit? Yeah, I'm back to having my banana for breakfast. Although if I do that fucking workout, I do, I'll have the oatmeal and the banana. That's what I do. If you guys are ever wondering what my beauty secrets are, if you ever wondered how it is that I keep the glow, how I keep the light

in my eye, how when I walk into a room, everybody just goes, wow, who is that gentleman? And what are his ideas that I can invest in? That's what it is right there. Up, down, up on the fucking stairs, a bowl of oatmeal with nothing else in it, maybe a couple of bananas, slices of banana. And that's it. You eat like you're in some bamboo cage, tread and water with a couple of rats. All right. That's what you have to do in your fucking 40s. If you don't want to end up with one of those Sammy Hagar torsos, you know, where you're still trying to wear the t-shirt and you look okay straight on as long as it's black. But when you turn to the side, you just got all that extra fucking meat, you know, you ought to be able to put

your hand down and be able to get your thumb to the back and your fingers to the front. All right. When your whole hand could just be on the side, you got, you got to shave down that hand. All right. So anyways, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to shave it down. I was at my fight and fucking weight like an asshole. They put on like 13 pounds being a fucking goddamn waffle eatin fucking moron. So now look what I have to do. I gotta eat like a fucking God like I'm in goddamn POW camp. Why do I do that to myself? How many fucking times bill are you going to get down to your weight? Be like, Oh, that's great. You know what? In celebration, I'm going to have a cheeseburger, some ice cream and go

right back to the tub of fucking shit. I was before I'm sick of it. I hate myself. I'm sick of the cycle. Whatever. So it's raining out here, which is great because the hills are on fire. The hills are on fire out here, which are actually a phenomenal part of nature out here. If human beings weren't living in the hills, it would be great. We could all just sit back and sort of enjoy nature doing what it does. Hills catch on fire. I've gone through this before, right? Basically, this is how the weather works out here. It rains. Used to be January and February. Now it like fucking rains in December. It's like earlier. You know, and fuck all you people in Minnesota. Okay, with your, oh my God, it's snowing in

May. Why are you acting like you didn't just put away your mittens? Okay. You live in Minnesota. You know what you signed up for? What do you think you're going to be doing in May? Water skiing? Oh, it would have been nice. Um, 46 fucking inches and everybody's out there acting like, you know, they're acting like it's snowing in May. I wish I could have put on Fox News. I know they were like global warming, huh? Um, fuck the polar ice caps melting. It's snowing in Minnesota in May. Let's see what the liberals have to say about this. Is that a polar bear? Um, so anyways, the fucking hills were on fire. We, we drove, we drove out to, uh, we drove. Me and Lawhead did, uh, Chumash Casino. Somebody told me Chumash

means number five in, uh, Native American. I have no idea. I don't know if it's the name of their tribe. You know, they stood on the hills out here when they were on fire and yelled at the apaches, you know, Chumash motherfuckers. I don't know if they said that. I have no idea. Well, if they just put five fingers in the air and that meant to gather up, gather up, we're going to go get some squaw pussy tonight. I have no idea what it meant, but all I know is I went out there and I had a great fucking time, but we're driving out there and I know you Californians are used to this shit, but we're just driving out there and all of a sudden you just come over the hill on the highway and you look in the distance

and there's an entire hill that is just completely in, I can't say completely engulfed in flames. It's just walls of fire working its way up the hill and, um, you just sort of drive by it taking video, not paying attention to where you're going. Like I did. I'll try and send you some of the video. Um, G billy, you're really going to try. How are you going to try what fucking select it and hit send? I'm going to send the video. I'll have the video. Okay. Anyways, um, and I actually went home the next day and I was watching these firefighters on the fucking news. If you get a chance, go on YouTube. Maybe there's some, uh, clips out there watching these guys fight the fires. It's, it's unbelievable. First of all, it's

like 85 fucking degrees out without the hill being on fire and like seven of them walk up this hill. Here I am bragging about doing these stairs up, down, up, down. These guys have like a fucking, you know, 60, 70 pounds worth of equipment, that heavy raincoat and they're just walking up this hill like it's nothing. They get up there. I noticed one guy's got the red helmet. He's leading the way. So evidently he's the fucking chief. So they're standing right next to this wall of fire and he just kind of, yeah, it's so bad at that. And then these fucking guys, they, they just get after it. Two guys have these giant fucking chainsaws. They start cutting away the brush. The other guys are

grabbing the brush thrown it in the opposite direction of the fire. Next thing you know, there's a trail and they've established a perimeter, you know, and the fire is like, wait a minute, what the fuck happened? I thought everything was all good. And they said, I don't think so fire. Why don't you just sit there and either go in the other direction over shit. You already burned out or just sadly fucking fade away like a child star. That's exactly what they did. I watched them save people's houses. They're unbelievable. And it was in that moment that I realized I could never be a firefighter. I don't have what it takes. I don't have the wrong pigment to be walking up that fucking hill with all

of that shit on, you know, I was joking that night in the comedy club that if I worked in a firehouse, I'd be that guy who stay hangs back and like makes the chili, you know, everybody calling me a pussy and some homophobic words, you know, they would be, you know, it would be nothing against gay people. It would just all about making me feel like a fucking chili making pussy. I'd be sitting there stirring the pot. Hey, be careful out there, guys. I heard it's a hot one. Yeah, fuck you, you fucking goddamn broad. Make me some fucking tuna fish. And I'd sit there with my big fireman red mustache, little tear in my eye, sitting there all alone tasting my chili. It's paprika. Oh God, do you guys realize not one nail has

been put into my house since they demoed it the other day or whatever fucking was it six weeks ago? We're still fighting with these insurance cunts over two grand because I know what they're thinking. It's two grand. This guy eventually is going to get sick of fucking looking at this mess. And you know what, they don't know, they don't know what they're dealing with here. They don't know how stubborn I am. I'm going the opposite direction. What I'm really seeing is all my shit that I had in the walk in closet, you know, just strewn about in this room downstairs. And I'm just looking at all of it going, what the fuck do I need this stuff for? What is that? Do you know what I came across the other day? Do you remember

one of those Michelin Ness throwback jerseys? Were all the fucking rage? Remember that? I remember the late great Patrice O'Neill. Please download his CD, Mr. P. All the proceeds go to his wife and his mom. I think at one point, his entire wardrobe consisted of those fucking jerseys. You know, we used to give him shit when he'd come in wearing a fucking wide receiver's jersey saying he was too big. He should only buy throwback Lyman jerseys. And then of course he'd fucking trash the shit out of us, but whatever. So during that time, they had a Fran Tarkington throwback jersey, the white one. LSU by the way, I don't know who ripped off who probably the Vikings ripped off LSU considering LSU's been around

forever. But I have a fucking Fran Tarkington throwback jersey and I'm like, I forgot I even had that. And then I remembered why I never wore it because I got it and I put it on and I looked like an asshole. I don't know what it was about the colors. I don't know if it was the numbers. I don't know if it was my dumb fucking face, but I literally the second I put it on, I looked like I had a fatal disease and I was waiting for Fran Tarkington to show up next to my hospital bed. That's what I look like. So I never fucking wore it. I bought this fucking thing. You know, remember those things? They were like 200 bucks, 250. I've never worn that fucking thing. All right. And if you can send me an

email, if you're almost five foot 10, like I am, in roughly way about a buck 70 to a buck 80, depending on how much you're boozing, if you can send me a fucking email as to why you're a giant Fran Tarkington fan and all that bullshit, you leave your address, I'll mail that fucker to you. Because you know what? I'm done with all of this shit. I fucking dropped my computer, you asshole. I'm done with all of this shit. All right. I'm not going to be the guy with a bunch of shit. You know, that gradually ends up my garage and plastic tins. Like this fucking shit. I'm not doing it. I'm getting rid of all of my stuff. All these fucking books I already read and I still have them. I'm getting rid

of all of them. You know what I was actually thinking? This is a, this would be a fucking hilarious way to do in a very sneaky way, gradually get out of a relationship that you want to be in, you know, possibly the biggest, you know, pussy way out of a relationship rather than just sitting down. What I've always told you guys to do is you just sit down with the person. You just say, listen, we need to talk. You sit down and you just started off with, I'm not happy. And that's the theme. Well, what if I did this that knit? I'm just not happy. What is it? Is it the sex? I'm just not happy. Whatever. Man or woman. All right. So say you didn't want to have that conversation. Say it just gives you so many douche chills.

What if what you did was without her knowing, just ever so subtly over the course of eight excruciating months, still in that relationship, you didn't want to be in. What if he just gradually kind of got rid of all of your shit? You know, and the way you cover for it is you do yoga every day. So you just tell, you know, your significant other that it's just a spiritual new spiritual path that you're taking. And they'll be psyched in one way because I was getting rid of all of this shit. This is fucking great. There's more room for my stuff, right? And then when you're down to like a backpack worth a shit and the clothes on your back, you put your toothbrush in your little fanny pack, whatever you have

left and you just, Hey, I'm going to go run some errands. You just walk out the door and that's it. You're out. There's another way to do it people. You know, someday I'm putting the book out thousand and one ways to get out of a fucking relationship. That's one of them right there. That's number 872. I just flipped through the book. The little manuscript. That's one for you. All right. Anyways, how far into this podcast are we, everybody? That was a lovely 16 minutes here. How about a little advertisements? How the hell do I get to them live reads? Yeah. Okay, here we go. Pro flowers. Hey, everybody, guess what it is next Sunday? You know what it is. It's Mother's Day. Who's more important than

your mom? Nobody unless she didn't stick around. You know, then I would just wait till Father's Day and get the flowers for your dad as long as he can handle it. As long as he won't slap you in the face with him, go, What are you giving me flowers for? What are you trying to say about me? You think I'm like that guy, that basketball player? Anyways, Mother's Day is this Sunday. Okay. Here's the angle we have this week. Pro flowers, everybody, sibling rivalry doesn't end because you moved out of the house. You can still one up them. Your brother sends a card. Your sister remembers to call. Guess what you do? You top both of them and send flowers to your mom on Mother's Day. It's brilliant. All you got to do is

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family, and everybody else. Go to proflowers.com. Click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in burr. That's proflowers.com. Click on the microphone and type in burr. Order Mother's Day flowers today. It's this Sunday. Okay. Stop having it in the back of your head. Stop having a string tied around your finger. Just do it right now and relax. Enjoy the rest of your day. Okay. E voice, everybody. E voice is the reason you're going to make more money in 2013. You hear what I just said? If you're sitting around going, how am I going to make more money in 2013? I have your answer. E voice. When your customers call, you'll have your own toll free number, professional greeting, dial by name, directory, and more.

You'll sound like a fortune 500 company, even if you're living in your mom's basement. And you know what that does? It blows away your competitors. E voice lets you give out one number that rings wherever you are. The beach, the bar doesn't matter. You'll sound like you're at the office. You got to go to E voice and use my promo code bill. E voice takes all your voicemails, transcribes them, and sends them to you instantly as you text or email. So not only is this thing phenomenal if you're in business, it's even better if you're trying to start a business while you still have another job. Okay. Because the person on the other end of the line is not going to know that. And if something important

happens, you get the text message, you know what you do? You go run to the bathroom. Excuse me, everybody. I had, I had Indian food last night. You take off and you handle your business and you gradually get your own business going. All right. So here's the deal. Go to E voice dot com promo code bill. That's E voice dot com promo code bill or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com. You click on the E voice banner right now. That is it. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America. All right, back to the podcast, everyone. So as always, you know what my life is? My life is travel. My life is booze. My life is sports. That's it. Like I was supposed to make like, like if I was in rehab or some

shit and I was supposed to make a pie about what it is that I do, you know, and I swear to God, no matter what I wrote, I know the person would be like, you know, looking at this pie, I see a lot of sadness. It's like, dude, are you, are you looking at the pie? I travel, I tell jokes and then I get drunk afterwards. Where do you see the sadness in there? It's my job to find sadness. I'll fuck you. All right. Make an addiction. You're fucking life's mission. You know, I realized I'm going to, I'm going to give away some of these books that I have. And oh, I also didn't say, I didn't say where to send the emails to for the Fran Tarkington Jersey. Send it to bill at billbird.com and I'll sift through

those motherfuckers. I might even send you a book with it. Huh? You want to read about Bob probert? I have his hardcovered autobiography. Maybe Rick flair to be the man you got to beat the man. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I have read him. I got it. Send the fucking memory back. You know, it sucks. This one time I took a bunch of used books down the street to this bookstore and it brought him in and this fucking content. I think I told this story. I bought that Anthony key this one. I was, you know, jumping on a plane. I'm like, God, the guy from red hot chili peppers. The guy's a rock star. He never has a shirt on. How much pussy did this guy get? I want to read about it, right? So I read

his book and it was, it was all right. You know, I thought it was kind of a cunt to flee seemed like a bully kind of seem like he had like a fucking, uh, you know, that battered wife relationship with flee. I love you, bro. I love you. And then does something really mean that I flee? I'm sorry, man. I'm so come on back. Stop being mean to me, Anthony. Right? Like this was really uncomfortable in parts of it, you know, and maybe I was fucking super imposing that I have no idea what whatever. So I bring it down there. You know, you realize the douchebag behind the fucking counter kind of like did some sort of half a laugh like laughing that I bought this fucking book. You don't know me. And it's just like, dude,

what was I supposed to read the autobiography of your life? Huh? The sarcastic guy at the fucking news bookstore surrounded by books, although your life wouldn't make a good one. The irony of that. How about that? Huh? Oh, Jesus, the violent thoughts that went through my head. I didn't say anything. I was actually embarrassed, which happens to me a lot in life. People just catch me off guard and they call me out for the pathetic douche that I am. And I believe it or not, for as much as I handle hecklers on stage, when I go off stage, I think that that's the microphones like my utility belt. The second that's not in my hand. I go back to being the pathetic douche that needs to go on stage to feel good

about himself. Wow, this is very therapeutic this week. Putic therapeutic. That didn't sound right. There are pussions. Anyways, did anybody watch the Celtics, New York, Nick series? How fucking amazing was that? Alright, and I called it the fucking Boston Celtics have the most hot in the goddamn league. All you fucking Nick fans who were texting me when you were up by 20 with like eight minutes ago in the fourth quarter was hilarious. It was already coming in. All the text messages na na na na. Hey, hey, hey, oh shit. Oh shit. Fucking Celtics with them like went on a 20 oh run. Got it down to like four points or whatever. So maybe we were down like 25. I don't even know. And I love that we were down

by like 20 points in the fourth quarter and none of the Celtics fans left. I'm sure a couple did. But for the most part, the place was still packed. Chant and let's go Celtics. You know, like a fans. I'm not saying this in a bad way. But if you want to learn how to be better fans, that's something you guys ought to do. You know what I mean? Now if we were the Lakers this year who had way more talent than the Celtics, we would have got swept, you know, and one of our best guys would have fucking deliberately got his second technical because he doesn't want to go out there and feel the shame of being swept. All of that stuff. You know, Laker fans. I'm extending an olive branch to try and help you guys

become better fans. All right. And here's the thing. If one of your players, no matter how much you love them, walks off on the rest of his teammates, you boo him the next fucking game. You don't chant MVP at him, thus boosting his ego even higher to the point when he gets an injury. He starts tweeting during the game, criticizing his own fucking coach. You know, still being a distraction, not even on the team, still disrupting team chemistry. You know, what's going to kill me is when Kobe comes back from this injury, the way that ESPN fucking drops to their knees and blows that guy, they are going to talk about this guy like he did his own surgery. You know, they're never going to think, well, they've been working on athletes

with this, this same injury and the advancements in modern medicine are so fucking incredible that these guys can sit here with like, you know, somebody dabbing the sweat off their brow as they have like, you know, what do you call it? Microscope glasses on or whatever to re to fucking remen Kobe Bryant. So you can go back out there and probably be 90% of what he used to be as opposed to back in the day where your career was over or like Dominique Wilkins, who want to take a year off, still was comeback player of the year. They'll never bring that up either. Dominique Wilkins, he won't get any love. He won't get any love about it. They'll act like nobody has ever done this before. Maybe they'll bring up Jerry Rice coming back from his ACL. They'll talk about

that. Maybe they'll do that. And it's going to, it's going to make me absolutely like projectile vomit onto my flat screen TV when they're just like, I mean, what does it say about this guy's desired? I mean, he says it himself. All he wants to do all he wants to do is win as he drives shack out of fucking town, drives coaches out of town, MVP walks off the court, MVP. It's same. All right, I'm done trashing the guy. All right. He could blow up both his Achilles and beat up me and everybody I know while eating the fucking BLT. I realized this. All right. But if I didn't bring this shit up, it wouldn't make me a typical Cunty fan on the internet. Would it? Well, there you go. So anyways, all those Celtics fans who were at the game, I just want to tell you out here

living in Lakerland, I couldn't have been more proud of the way you guys cheered on the team and you stuck around and you didn't fucking run out of the building. You know, Nick fans would have stuck around but up top, up top they would down low, all those other guys, you know, all those celebrities, Victoria's Secret models sitting next to the fucking action stars, they all would have left Spike Lee would have stayed. You know, what has he been wearing lately? You know what I mean? He looks like he was a huge Justin Timberlake fan and he's also going to Clown College. All right. Anyways, have anybody been watching any of the NHL playoffs? They've been phenomenal so far. Of course, I'm watching the Bruins Maple Leafs. And can anybody explain this to me because

this seems to be a anytime there's a playoff series. And I would say in basketball and hockey to be specific, not in baseball because baseball, it's more about your stat and picture. Um, but the first two games of the Bruins Maple Leafs series. Okay, game one, it looked like we were going to sweep the fucking Maple Leafs. It looked like why the fuck, how the fuck did the Maple Leafs even make the playoffs? Bruins are flying up and down the ice. They're hitting the Maple Leafs. Maple Leafs aren't doing anything. They look like they're intimidated. We score four goals. Bing, bang, boom, four to one. Easy fucking victory. Game two comes around. It's completely 100% the exact opposite. Bruins are on their heels.

The fucking Maple Leafs are pushing us around. We're taking it. And now we look like that frustrating team that I watched all year that can't score more than two goals. And, um, can anybody explain to me what the fuck that is? You know, what happens? What happens in those 48 hours between the games? I just, I don't understand. So tonight the Bruins and Maple Leafs are playing again. I gotta be honest with you. I have no idea what to expect. No idea what to expect, but I can tell you this. Phil Kessel is a great player, but has one of the, I'd say, top 10 most hateable faces in professional sports right now. I don't know what that look is on his face.

I think if you have like a lot of baby fat on your face, it makes you very hateable. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the helmet. Then it mushes his cheeks in and they kind of stick out over his nose. I don't know what it is. Why is my voice cracking like I'm going through puberty? I have no idea. And I'm also, of course, paying attention to the Canadians Ottawa series. I was at a, I was at a cookout yesterday, Cinco de Mayo. It's how dumb I am. Last year I actually, I said, what day is that? Cinco de Mayo. Now for all you other people who didn't know a lick of Spanish like me, that literally means May 5th. That's the name of the holiday. The name of the holiday is May 5th

or the 5th of May or 5th of May. I don't know how to fucking translate it. I missed the fucking game and that look, it looked like an old school Adams division. You know, even though it was six to one total lopsided victory for Ottawa, I really wish that I watched the game and I can guarantee you it's going to make no sense. The Canadians are going to come back just like the Maple Leafs. I'm predicting in the next fucking game and they're going to totally turn around and they'll probably win six to one. Now they won't because I think Ottawa, their goalie is too fucking good. But here's a question I have. When are people going to wise up to that PK Subban fucking move

where he's backing up acting like he's going to give you the zone and then he fucking does a couple of crossovers, leaves his feet and gives you a shoulder to the face, you know, the ref standing right there. Oh, that's a clean hit. It's a fucking phenomenal move, phenomenal move. I don't know. I don't understand why guys don't see it coming. It's just got to be a reason. Anybody? Nothing. All right, let's read one of these fucking things here. Jesus, do I need to buy a new wire or something? All of a sudden it's cutting out in one headphone. All right, to trust or not to trust? Oh, before I get into that, condolences to that the referee who ref that soccer game, that high school soccer game out in Colorado.

One of the worst things I stories ever, he gave somebody a yellow card and the 17 year old kid lost his temper and turned around and punched the guy in the face. And I don't know if it was the way he landed. I don't know if he had preexisting stuff for this kid. Just caught him the right way. But the guy, the ref went into a coma for like four or five days and he passed away. So it's just the it's the worst. I don't know. I can't say it's the word. I mean, some of the awful things that happened in the last fucking month or so. But Jesus Christ, everybody involved on either side. I mean, I know as much as people are going to get mad at that kid, 17 fucking years old. I just can't imagine it. You know, you got your whole

life ahead of you. You're going out to play soccer and you punch a guy in the face and he dies. And now you're looking at a murder charge or manslaughter, whatever they're going to charge you. And then another thing is just some 46 year old guy, family man going out to ref a game. And it causes you to end up dead after it. Just I don't know. I don't know why I brought that up that really kills the fucking comedy. Right. It's been a good time to read some advertising. All right. Here we go. Let's get into the letters for this week to trust or not to trust. Well, that is the question. Hey, Bill, I am a 19 year old guy and have been dating a girl who is almost two years older than me for about two months and

known her for about seven months. All right. Do you realize how many numbers are in that? Let's start over again. I'm 19 date and a girl who's 21 for two months and I've known her for seven months. Okay. I got it. We're in a long distance relationship. Oh, geez. And I've never met. Oh, come on. But we Skype almost every day to trust or not to trust, not to trust, sir. You might as well be up in a spaceship. Her pussy's on the other side of an ocean, dude. All right. You want, you're going to have to have incredible bone structure and verbal skills to keep that woman satisfied. I can tell you that if you're going to try and do this over Skype. All right. But I plow forward here. I live in the UK and she's in America. I love her to bits

and she says that she loves me. I had an issue before meeting her and it really felt like I was exercising demons when I told her about my issues. She's my first girlfriend. Plus I've had issues around women previously as well as bullying in school and we got everything out in the open. All right. It felt like it had set in Jesus. Some weeks I suck at reading and some weeks I really suck at reading. My regroup here said it felt like it had set in stone a relationship that was secure and trustworthy given we'd shared a lot of our past such as her getting sexually abused as a child as well as her previous relationship breakdown. Oh, breaking down. During these two months, I have felt me myself gaining self-esteem. I never really had as a child.

But yeah, there always seems to be a but with the emails that you get. She recently told me she cheated on me with somebody she met in the five months between meeting or meeting her and starting to date. Sir, you haven't been dating. You've been Skyping. She tells me it all happened too quick and she felt pressured into it. I'm unsure how to move forward. And if we have a future together, a long distance relationship is based on trust. Can that be repaired? Thanks, Bill. You should do a show in England again soon. No, sir. No, no, this is beyond over. You're sifting through ashes of basically a relationship, a physical one that never existed. And the more you Skype with her, the longer the heart it's going to be for you to move on. All right. You

said that you got some self-esteem. I need you to ramp up your self-esteem even more and have the self-esteem. Just say, listen and do it a nice way. Just say, I think you're a great person. And I think if you were here, things would be different, but you're not. So I think it'd be better for both of us. Now fuck better for both of us because then she'll be like, but I'm okay with it. You got always got to stick with you when you're talking about getting out of relationship. All right. Just, yeah, I mean, it's over. You cheated on me. It's already hard enough that we're on different sides of an ocean. All we can do is Skype, you know, the end of the day. Just be like, I'm not even mad at you that you cheated on me. I understand it.

You know, human beings, we need a human connection. And this is like I'm fucking ground control to mage at home. Like I'm fucking orbiting the earth here. We can't have a, we can't have a relationship here. All right. Having said that, let me see your goods. Just one time, put them up against the screen. Come on, you filthy whore. Sorry. Yeah. I would not trust her, sir. And I would, I might even go into therapy if I was you. Sounds like you had a rough go of it with the bullying and that type of thing to the point that you're so pulled back that you're having relationships, a non-physical one over the internet. You got to get out there, sir. You got to get out, you know, join a fucking volleyball league, softball league, book of the club, book

of the club, book of the month league, book club of the month, whatever the fuck I'm trying to say. You're not into sports. Take a fucking cooking class. Just get out there. Get out there where the broads are at. You know, it's even greater if you just, hey, let's go, you know, oh, you're into reading, you're into cooking. It breaks the fucking ice. I would do that. All right. That's what I would do. I would not trust her, sir. All right. You deserve more than that. Good luck. And God bless the United States of England. Is this a trap? Oh, Billy boy. Oh, Danny boy, the lights, the lights are calling you. I love the podcast. I hope you can give me some perspective on this issue. I am in my early thirties and I've been married for five years.

My wife and I recently have been having a sexual resurgence in our relationship after a big lull caused by the birth of our two kids and me putting on some extra weight. That's very honest. We are back to fucking as much or more than we did when we first started dating. You know, that was coming off like really like you were a mature man and then you went right down to my level. Then not the birth of our two kids. There's been a sexual resurgent and, you know, I'd put on some extra weight, but dropped a few pounds and we're back to fucking as much as we used to. Here's a tip for married men. If you want more sex out of your wife, get your ass to the gym. It worked for me. There you go. There you go. Here's a guy practicing what I

have preached for the six fucking years that I've been doing this podcast. By the way, next month is the six year anniversary of me starting this podcast. Okay. So I am expecting some, I don't know what, some sort of congratulations. I should have done it yet last year when it was the five year anniversary. So this guy's going to the gym. That's right. He's getting the pecs going. He's fighting off the mantits. You know, he's fucking not having that big of former fucking rock star. God damn gut. You got to get rid of that shit and you'll live longer. I read something one time or overheard in the bar knowing, knowing me that every extra pound of fat that you have is, is, is five miles of capillaries that your heart has to pump blood through.

Just saying extra five pounds, 25 more miles of capillaries. So you can imagine if you're 30 pounds overweight, holy fucking shit. That's a hundred. That's a fucking road trip. 150 miles. You got to get it off. That's why you always see little old ladies and little old men. You don't see jolly old fat 90 year old guys. You don't, they're gone. You know, other than Bill Russell, have you ever seen like a fucking 70 year old seven footer? There's a reason for that. Your heart has to fucking pump all the way down to the tippy toes. Okay. Also, my wife has been open and willing to do any manner, manner of depraved sexual shit that I can think of. Jesus, dude. He goes, I am living the dream. I feel like I won the wife

lottery. Well, I would say you do. If she's a great mother too, that's phenomenal. So he goes, say, here's the issue. Uh-oh. Okay. I'm going to guess that she wants to bring somebody else into the bedroom. I'm going to guess that you fucking open Pandora's box. And the way this is read, if it's another woman, you don't give a shit. I'm guessing she wants another dude. That's what I'm guessing. She wants a little rotisserie action there. Little Boston market. Here we go. So here's the issue. She has recently been saying that she thinks it would be really hot if I fucked another woman in front of her. Oh, oh, that went on entirely different direction. She is clear that she doesn't want to threesome. She doesn't want to participate.

She just wants to be there. Apparently, this is a fairly common fetish known as being a cuck queen. Did you spell it right? C-U-C-K queen? A cuck queen. All right, people, this is the first word I've learned the definition to since, uh, what is it? Buggering? Being getting buggered. Anyways, he says, now I'm a guy. Now I'm a guy. So obviously, I'm into variety and the idea is intriguing. And like I said, she's willing to do basically anything I want to do in the bedroom. So it seems only fair that I would do what I can to fulfill her sexual fantasies. Still, this seems like a bad idea to me. Exactly. Great instincts, sir. I don't know what a reaction is going to be. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage for something like this.

What do you think, Bill? Should I just go for it or listen to the voice in my head that says this is a bad idea? If I go for it, how would you suggest actually finding women, a woman who was open to the idea of being fucked in front of my wife? Thanks. All right. Here we go. Sir, you're 100% right. You can't fucking do this. And all the married guys out there who were like, dude, what are you out of your fucking mind? I do that in a fucking second. Fucking second. I know this chick at the office. Not only she fucking banged me in front of the whole fucking office. Hey, love of my life. Look at me over here. I'm fucking banging. Right. All of those guys, those mouth-breathing morons, you know, who piss on the side of the road when there's a Wendy's

with the fucking public bathroom right there. All of those guys don't listen to them. Sir, you're 100% right. Some shit should just remain a fantasy. Okay. Your parents. Okay. You have kids. Okay. And when that happens, there's a certain level of maturity that you have to fucking have. Okay. You can't be walking around in the goddamn gimp outfit when at any second, your fucking kids can open the fucking door to your bedroom. You know what I'm saying? And this is just going to be, uh, and you're also introducing the chance of you catching a fucking venereal disease. Okay. Cause first of all, any woman that's going to allow you to do that is going to be a freak on some fucking level and evidently wearing a condom.

You can still get herpes. I don't know how it fucking parrot troops down on your full bag. I have no idea, but evidently you can. All right. And I got to tell you some fucking things. Some doors should just remain closed. Um, I don't know how I would try to make up in that area. I was going to say, if she wanted to fuck another dude, then you could just act like you were another dude and say a bunch of different dude shit to her while you had her bent over and she's not looking at you so she could feel, you know, you don't maybe wear a different cologne. But this whole, uh, you know, why don't you just get a blow up doll and fuck that in front of her? Huh? You like that? That

sounds the fucking. You like that shit? Oh, yeah. Take it. You poor. Right. Maybe you could do that. I don't know what to tell you, dude, but I'll tell you right now. Your instinct to not do it is a hundred percent correct. All right. You did hit the lottery with this woman. And this is another deal, dude. You could be gradually opening this shit up. You know, women are phenomenal masters of manipulation. Okay. This might be her roundabout way of saying, I want to fuck another guy. Okay. And what she's going to do is get you dirty first, right? Just like politics. We can't have this guy getting to the oval office unless we got something on him. She's doing, she might be doing that same thing. Now this is just conspiracy theory. Don't look sideways at your wife as you're eating a

bowl of fucking corn checks. I'm just throwing this shit out here. All right. This might be her roundabout way of fucking getting her to be able to have a fucking. All right. You get to fuck one. All right. And not only does she gotta fuck, gonna fuck him. You got to sit there and watch it. You know, don't do it. Do not introduce other fucking people into your relationship. All right. Your relationship when it comes to sex and if it's going to fucking work has to be a secret society as far as my fucking skills go. My skill set, you know, I show up to the gym. People know what I do. I got one mid range jumper. That's all I'm taking. Everybody knows if you can stop it, you can stop it. That's what the fuck I'm coming with. All right. I don't even know how the fuck

I went into that analogy. I was supposed to be making fun of me in the fucking bedroom. I have my little bag of tricks. It's all I got. Yeah. Okay. Now here's something because I've never done shit like that. I never went into that area of fucking freak week. I never did that. All right. And I think if you are in a fucking healthy relationship at some point, both men and women do want a variety and at some point it's going to come up and you are going to talk about it and be like, you know, maybe we've went to Vegas, maybe yeah. And then in the end, you know, usually after you've banged and got that urge out of your system, you lay there and you just look at each other. Yeah, no, what the fuck? We think we can't do that. It's fucking gross. We

can't do it. Like they were told and that's not I'm not trying to judge people who do shit like that, but it would totally you know, it is it's a house of cards and you're pulling one out way down near the foundation. It might stay up, but the whole thing might come down and you got some kids in there. So let me ask you this at the risk of turning this podcast into a complete freak show, not freak show, just I don't know because I really don't judge people what the fuck they do. Is there anybody out there that is married has a couple of kids and has had this scenario? You know, has your wife been cool with it? Did you just bring some girl in and you fucking banged her? You know, well, what exactly what is the etiquette when you bang another woman in front of your wife?

You know, is she just sitting there watching? You know, like she's watching a chess match? Are you allowed to throw in some looks like, huh? See that you like that move there, sweetheart? I don't know. I don't know what the deal is. I imagine that there's a bunch of rules. You're not allowed to do it missionary style. If you come, you have to look at me. Don't look at her. I mean, that that's seemed like there's all these like, you know what it is? It's like you're starting a new sport. It's kind of like MMA when it first started out and you could punch uppercut somebody in the balls and gouge their right. You could do whatever the fuck you wanted. And then they'd be like, all right, we need some parameters here. Dana White came in and said, hey, no more fucking

uppercuts to the undercarriage, no more eye gouging, no kicking in the face when the guy's on the ground, no punches to the back of the head. He made it civilized. So I imagine that there has to be some sort of, um, you know, civility to the fucking another woman in front of your, in front of your wife. Um, look, who's kidding who? That would be absolutely phenomenal. But, uh, I just, I just couldn't imagine, you know, my woman afterwards, afterwards, and the woman leaves and then I take a shower, right? And then we're sitting down, you know, eating spaghettios. Um, like I would so be praying that she started the conversation. If that she was going like, yeah, I thought that was just, wow, I thought that was really, that was really neat. Oh, but the absolute fucking worst is if

there would just be complete awkward silence. And then all of a sudden she starts tearing up, right? And now here you are going, but honey, you told me to do it and the fucking kids are sitting there. I just didn't think, you know, I know it's my idea, but I just didn't think that you were going to enjoy it that much. You know, you don't come that fast with me. The fucking kids sitting there looking like that kid in the shining, you know, when he's fucking looking up with that red rum face. And I'll tell you right now, that would be a classic fucking 180 that could possibly happen because of the delicacy of women's emotions. And I don't mean that like they're weaker or whatever, they're more tapped into them or whatever. And like I said, this also could be

some fucking top shelf pimp shit that she's doing where she really wants to go fuck another guy. And she knows, well, the male ego, I can't come at him with this, you know, and if her mindset is like, Hey, it's just sex. She's trying to get you on the same tape page. She has to get you fucking, she's got to get you dirty first. So I don't know. But like I said, if there's people out there who've done this shit, please email me because I'd love to I'd love to know, give me a quick scenario of what happened and then give me a long detailed. It's not the act. I get it. The picture has been painted. I want to know the aftermath. I want to know afterwards, like what the fuck, how to fuck. I want to know what was the first

topic that was discussed other than the fact that your wife had an outer body experience of as far as like the whole intercourse with you, you know, and what is she doing? Is she saving this up to think about later? Or is she literally engaging from across the fucking room? You know, basically doing the sexual version of the guy who goes to the game with his face painted. Oh, shit. Great email, by the way, sir. Great fucking email. Look at us. Christ, we're all the way up to 55 fucking minutes here. All right, let's let's let's shower off with some more, some more advertising here. Actually, I think I got all of them this week, didn't I? Is that it? I think I have one more at

the end of the podcast I have to read. Let me make sure because I get in trouble each week. You didn't read zippy.net. How the fuck did you miss that? What do we got here? Oh, oh, that's right. That's right. See this? I checked. I did my fucking homework. We do have another read if I can find it. Where oh, where is that other damn read? Legal zoom.com, everyone. You know what? You love it. Look, you have you got a plan for your future. Don't be that person living day to day. You want to be that person, you know, you're out on the golf course when you retired and young people looking at you go and see that guy over there. That guy did it right. You know, and when you tell the story and you're all old and,

you know, but still happy and the young kid goes, Hey, Mr. How did you end up on the golf course? You can be a legal zoom.com 2013. This is the deal. You do financial planning. You get insurance, but to get real peace of mind, you have to make sure your family is legally protected. So where do you turn to get affordable legal protection? You can trust why legal zoom.com everybody for over 12 years. They've been helping Americans get personalized wills, powers of attorney, living trust, real estate documents and more legal zoom.com. Legal zoom also helps start and maintain businesses with incorporations and LLC. Findings, trademarks and copyright. See, this is the first step you take to start your business legal zoom.com. And then when you

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any longer, call or visit legal zoom.com and protect what's yours. And I hope you guys do it because I want all you guys to get out there and work for yourselves. If that's what your dream is. All right, you want to work for somebody else? That's also cool. I don't judge you want to bang another woman in front of your wife because that's what she's into. Well, God bless you. Put on a fucking gators bitches with Jimmy's put on a Jimmy and have a good fucking time. All right. Now, where the hell am I? Why is my voice cracking? Was I screaming yesterday when I was drunk? I bet I was. All right. Okay, what are we on to the next one here? Okay, one up. Oh, you know what? I didn't answer his last one. He said,

if I go for it, how would you suggest actually finding women who is open to the idea of being fucked in front of my wife? Yeah, I mean, you're going to, you're going to have to find somebody who's, uh, I would, I would try and find somebody who was really advanced in their career. You know, like a lawyer, they have to have a certain level of job. I wouldn't go on fucking Craigslist and sign, find somebody who works at a basket. Robbins who's down for doing something like that. That you know what I mean? You're trying to go out and find the cleanest person you can. And, uh, I would just lay it out on the table, put it on the table and I'd have everybody get fucking tested and then I'd still wear a condom and then I'd have at it and then,

you know, as far as the spaghetti, old conversation afterwards, that's on you. All right. Here we go. Here's the next one. A lot of sex ones this week. What a bang, friend sister. Uh, dear Billy fat again. Uh, first I would like to say I'm a huge fan, but the podcast influenced me changing my life for the better. Great. He said I'm getting over an X following, um, I don't know. He's trying to write in the Boston accent and I can't even read that getting over an X following my hat. And there we go. Um, I want to bang my friend's sister. He even writes this in here for me. Oh, Jesus. Um, backstory. He's been one of my better friends for about eight years. And wasn't this amazing? The power of women that he's been one of my better

better friends. He didn't say best friend. Oh, wow. For eight years. How old is this girl? She's 21. Oh, well, this is getting creepy. Let's do the math. So when he first started being friends with this guy, his sister was 13 years old. Dude, come on. That's fucking creepy. So at what point did you start looking at her like, hey, those titties are starting to come in there. Oh, Jesus. Ah, I'm going to have to shower after this one. But you know what? I understand. I understand what happens. Um, for the better part of eight years, and we went to high school and college together, party, got in trouble and all that other guy stuff and straight. He's going to put it right on the table. He goes, I want to bang

her sister. I want to bang his sister. He goes, I have known her since she was young and I am now 25 and she's 21. Okay. So when she was 13, you were 17. All right. And she's now a 21 year old lady. Oh, this is filthy, sir. This is filthy. Did she still have braces the first time you saw her? Anyways, smoking hot. She's developed like she was welcome in the Patriots offense. This guy is a creep. Oh, this guy is a creep. I love you. I love you to death, sir. He goes, I ended up getting a number from the one time we hung out with their brother and several others. So you're hanging out with his brother and on the side, you're suddenly hitting on her. Dude, you don't need me. Listen, you're going to bang this girl. You're the end of this email should be you just asking,

should I do it or should I not? But as far as anything else, if you're getting the fucking number of one of your better friend's sister while he's two feet away, you know, waiting for his, maybe it's his chance to shoot pool, you know, you go shoot some stick and you can get the number during that time. You don't need my help in that department, obviously. All right. So anyways, the one time we hung out, okay, and with several others and she used my phone to take pictures and texted herself the pictures. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. This is a layup right here. He goes, I have not contacted her since because I am not sure what to do. Should I bang my friend's sister? P.S. This friend has previously banged one of my other friend's sisters and has never told

him. Oh, the two wrongs make a right for me to bang my friend's sister. He wrote it in capital letters. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. Wow, there's a lot of those little fucking twists there in the end. So you're going to use your fucking dick is some sort of karmic like balance in the sexual universe. Karmically, he does deserve this but not by you. The fucking dude whose sister got banged, he should go and fucking bang his sister. And there's another thing too. If this girl is as hot as you say she is, you are running the risk that she's just a fucking narcissistic like dick tease. And she's taking phones with your camera, your cell phone camera, just because that's just what she fucking does is takes. Oh my God, look how

hot I am. Ah, look at this angle. Look at me doing this. Oh, I'm making the duck face, right? Oh, man. I don't know what to tell you here, sir. You could do the age old rub one out, rub one out. And then in the Zen afterwards, think about it. If you still want to do it, then I'd say check your shoot and fucking jump out the back of the plane. You know what, dude, this is on you because I don't, you said, you haven't said much about the guy. You seem to have sort of like this is a guy that you've hung with, but you don't seem to be saying that you guys have a real strong friendship. And he's kind of a dirtbag and bang one of your friends. You know what, fucker, do it. Do it.

Every once in a while, I say, go and do the dumb thing. You're young enough. By all means, wear a fucking condom. It's just going to be so fucking sneaky. This is nothing to all. If all you want to do is banger, if you have no feelings for it, you are, you are risking this fucking relationship. And as you know, it's going to be hilarious is when he comes running up to your house and you know, it's going to be raining out because whenever you find out your friend fucked your sister and you have to go beat the shit out of them, it's always raining out. God helps you out. So your, your buddy who fucked your sister also doesn't see the tears in your

eyes because it's pouring down raiding and you bang on that screen door, right? Bang on that fucking thing and he can't get out of the front lawn and you guys roll around the mud punching each other. Now you've got to understand that like, what is your out going to be there? Yeah. Well, you fuck so and so sister. So it's even, does he know that you know that he fucked the other person's sister? This is like an episode of Dallas. I say, let me know. This is the last question I have. That kid you've known for eight years. What is his martial art background? What if his, uh, when he gets into fights and bars, does he have a tendency to bite somebody's ear off? Is he a maniac? Can you beat this guy

if he jumps you in your own driveway? You know, you know what? I don't know why because I usually give good advice. I'm telling you right now, this is a dumb thing to do, but I'm telling you to go out and go do it. Go on. Go do it. Fuck him. He banged your father, buddy, sister. Go ahead. Make it all right with your dick. Make the world right again with your dick. Please give me a follow up email. I want to know how it goes down. All right. But this is the thing. You got to let her jump in the boat. All right. Make it be her fucking idea. This is the deal. The whole time you're doing speak, you know, I don't know about this, but blah, blah, blah. You know, I feel guilty because

just let it be. No, it's okay. Let her fucking dive bomb down on your dick and then you're all right. Right? I'm going to tell you all of that advice came with the giant fucking asterisk beyond that I'm a moron and I'm not a therapist, but I'm telling you to step into the quicksand because I think that you have the ability to make it to the other side. I believe in you, sir. Good luck. God bless. Dilemma. What would you do for a billion dollars that you wouldn't do for a million? Not a lot. I'm not motivated by money, to be honest with you. What would I do for a billion dollars that I wouldn't do for a million? All right. For a million dollars. Now, you know what? I get me honest. If I wouldn't do it for a

million, then I wouldn't do it for a billion. I could live off a million. Is that tax free, by the way? Free and clear. Preen up and all that shit. That's my million. Let's see. What would I do for a million dollars? Would I eat dog shit? No. I wouldn't humiliate myself. You know, I'm not motivated by money. You know what? If I was still working in a warehouse unloading trucks, that would be a good time to ask me that question. All right? But I make enough money to pay my mortgage and get these banker cuts off my back as soon as I can. You know what? I'm a happy guy. Keep your money. You can't buy this redheaded cunt.

I'm sorry. I know that you wanted a funnier answer than that, but I don't have it. I don't give a shit. Once it's not worth the trouble, I've never understood those game shows that one Rogan hosted, where people were eating yak balls. It's like, for what? You know, have a shred of fucking self-esteem. What's wrong with you? You never do something for the money. You know, unless I look, I'll do a bad stand up gig for the money because I'm trying to pay down the house. I'll do that. I mean, I would do that, but nobody's going to give me a million dollars to do stand up. Ah, Jesus, we were doing so well. Let me see if I can make this one funny.

Girlfriend's past. Hey, Billy boy, I have, I have, I'm having problems. I'm having problems reading this, sir. I'm having problems dealing with all the guys my girlfriend has fucked before me. She's 17 and a senior in high school and she's been with four to five guys all the way and blown more. Now, why are you saying four to five? You know, if you've only fucked four or five people, she ought to be able to remember all of them. She'd, she said, my first girlfriend, I'm 18. Be easy there, buddy. Go easy. Is 17 considered underage because you can get busted for statutory rape. Make sure she's legal. He goes, she's my first gate girlfriend. I'm 18, but I wasn't a virgin because

before, because my neighbor forced me to have sex with her when I was five. What? Sex with what? Your little ding dong? What was she doing? Dude, that's fucking creepy. I didn't need to know that. Anyways, she lost her virginity in a one night stand when she was 14. It just kills me every day that my virginity was stolen from me

and she just gives hers away. It doesn't help that she still goes to the same school as the guy and while they don't really talk, she fucked him again last summer a couple of months before we started dating. I feel like she's just let people use her and it really disgusts me. I don't even know if I love her or if I even like her very much. Am I overreacting about her past or not? No dude, what you're doing is you're tapping into how you feel about this girl and what you're looking for in a woman and this girl isn't it, okay? It's, you know, hopefully whatever happened to you didn't happen to her but what would you do, sir, is you're fighting your self-esteem or discovering it, all right?

Listen to that voice, okay? This isn't the kind of woman that you're looking to be with so I would break up with her, all right? And then get with the girl that hasn't fucked four to five guys that you're going to pass on your way to math class, all right? That's the deal, all right? You sound like you've gone through some shit. I'd probably go to therapy over that one there, you know, whatever the fuck happened to you and but what's great is you've come out of this that you're still tapped in what you're looking for in a girlfriend. You want, you want, you know, a great girl deserves a great guy and you sound like you're a great guy so go out there and get a great girl. That's what you should do, all right?

And be healthy human beings with one another, okay? Don't let what the fuck happened to you when you're five go down some dark sexual road that you picked these damaged girls that you relate to. Both of you probably need to go to therapy and work some shit out, all right? But she didn't write me, you did. So I'm telling you to do that. And yeah, get yourself, yeah, the fuck is with my voice. Get a girl you're proud to be with that you want to bring home to your parents, all right? That's the one. There you go. All right. And that's it, everybody. That's a podcast for this week. I just got a couple of things. I got some announcements as far as where I'm going to be. This is actually a huge gig in my life. I've always wanted to work Las Vegas and I

did it on the way up. But the way Vegas works is either, you know, you're headlining a great room or you're working some dump. And I was always in some dump and it was a depressing place to be because when you're working in a dump in Las Vegas, you know, basically the, you know, you just see these gamblers that fucking they don't have any money and it's just, it's fucking horrific. So I was never able to headline any place nice when I was out there, except when I toured with Jimmy Norton, Jim Brewer and David Tell. So this is the first time I'm actually going to go get to go out there and headline a major casino. I'm going to be at the Mirage Casino May 17th and May 18th in Las Vegas, Nevada. I'm obviously beyond honored to be out there.

And I love it. If you guys came out and showed up, took a trip to Vegas or whatever. I believe there's still a few tickets left. And later on in the month, I'm going to do a nice East Coast run Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey, May 29th, May 30th. I'm going to be at the, I hope I say this right, Mayerhoff Symphony Hall in Baltimore, Maryland, May 31st, the State Theater Center for the Arts in Eastern Pennsylvania. And on June 1st, I have two shows at the Borgata Casino and Spa in Atlantic City, New Jersey. So please come out there. I believe on that trip that New Jersey swing is going to be the one and only the teen idol sensation Joe DeRosa, who has a half hour Comedy Central special debuting, I believe this weekend

on Comedy Central. Please email, tweet Joe DeRosa, Facebook him, find out when his half hour special is. Please watch his special because how Comedy Central works is, is if the ratings are beyond a certain point, they're going to keep showing it. And Joe's one of the great guys both on and off business. And it would be really great if you guys would, if you check out his special. And with that, we are down to the final announcement that I have on this. If you guys would like to donate to the podcast, go to Amazon, go to billbird.com on the click on the podcast page. If you want to buy something on Amazon, click on the Amazon banner and then just go buy something and they kick me, you know, it doesn't cost you any more money. They just kick me a fee

and then I take a portion of that fee. I send it to the wounded warriors project and everybody wins. And oh, also the hard copy version of my to stand up special. You people are all the same is available at billbird.com. And also the downloadable one for all you youngsters out there. And, and this is it personal capital outro read. Here we go. My first outro read right here. Now that the podcast is over, everybody, go sign up for your free out. Oh, let me do that again, because we have to send these audio recordings to them. All right, here we go. Now that the show is over, go sign up for your free account with personal capital so you can see all your assets on one screen, pay lesson broker fees and make

all your investments grow faster. Go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click the personal capital banner banner. Sorry that the podcast, that's the podcast page on billbird.com to click the personal capital banner and set up your free account today. Please do it. I want to help you guys save some money, invest your money, right? I want to help you guys when you're in your old age, you know, have your money instead of the bankers. All right. All right, that's it. That's the podcast for this week. God bless you. Don't take any shit and I'll see you next week.