Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-19

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

Bill rambles with Joe Bartnick about Europe, religious recruiting, and spin the bottle.

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Is today May 6th? I have no idea. I'm here with Joe Bartnick. Joey B, what's going on? Oh, just chilling out in Israel, man. It's insane, dude. It's like we were in Europe for a week. It's like Europe's kind of like...

It's like America, but it's different and it's cool. Everyone's really nice. And then like as we're landing, I see you guys watching videos of like bombs going off in anti-aircraft and then like we landed, we're in Israel. We're in Israel. It's like, dude, I'll let you explain. We had the, we just had the most boss airport experience ever. Oh yeah, when we landed here.

First of all, thank God I don't watch the news because as always, I guess things are a little, what are they called? It's a little chippy. Things are getting a little chippy here. The sticks are up, the sticks are up. Sticks are up over here. So yeah, we got to the airport and, you know, well, dude, I don't know. We're doing this, we're doing this like backwards.

We were in fucking Amsterdam the night before and went to a bar and smoked a joint where they also served milkshakes. So I was sitting there like, I don't like, I'm not big on fucking smoke and weed. I don't even think I do it, right? Or I don't even realize when I'm high or whatever. There's like, this is a body high. Like this just gets you fucking right side high. I don't understand like...

Dude, you were high. Man, is that shit? You were so high, you ordered a strawberry milkshake and then you thought it was vanilla and then you debated it and then you thought it was vanilla until about halfway down. You go, no, it's really strawberry. No, because it was so subtle that the thing was white. It was the color of vanilla. The strawberry shake where I'm from is fucking red or pinkish.

And I got the thing and I was sipping it. You know what it was? It was like the frozen glob of it was where all the strawberry was. So when I got to the end, you know, when you get to the sort of the glacier part of the milkshake, I was like, oh, this does have some strawberry in it. It literally didn't have a flake of red in it though. No, you know what was funny? It was fucking everybody who was smoking and was high.

And then we all got up to the counter and were like, we say to the lady there like, did you charge us yet? And she's like, I don't know. She's like, I can't figure it out. I'm like, this is no way to run a business, but the shows have been great. And Joe, I gotta, I gotta give you like, I've never seen anybody fucking go come over here. I've seen a lot of American comics. I've talked to a lot of American comics.

They're all like, are they going to get my stuff? What do I talk about? What any advice and blah, blah, blah, blah. I remember Verzi was like, he was like going like, dude, I know I'm going to take a couple of bad ones, but I'm going to figure this out. And, you know, he had to make adjustments. I had to make adjustments. You're the only guy ever, you just came over here and you were Joe Bartnick.

You walked on stage, fucking murdered in Iceland, Iceland, Iceland, Iceland. And then right through the door, just like, this guy's, yeah, you're as confident over here. It took me 10 years to get where the hell you're at right now. So you've been fucking killing everywhere. Well, thank you. But basically, what else am I going to do, Bill? I'm going to, these are the jokes I got. I got to be confident with them.

I know, but you don't even doubt them. That's amazing. I think it's, it's a great thing here. I think it's scarier to be in just like a, you know, in a little club in Hollywood or like, you know, or somewhere, I don't know. There's 3000 people. Some of them are going to laugh. Hopefully, right?

Your fans, your fans are the best dude. How great were they really? I mean, it was really great shows. Yeah. You know, you seemed, you seemed, you really loved Helsinki, man. That was your spot, huh? Helsinki. Yeah.

You know what's funny? Oslo looks like Pittsburgh, but it's funny when we're walking through and Barang, the book, are great dude with super cigars. It's like, or Shandy, his buddy, it works with him. Another great dude. He's like, this is the toughest part of Oslo. It looked like, it looked like, it looked like Beverly Hills. Yeah.

It just seemed like there was a couple of drunks. It's weird, you know, that Scandinavian language up there. When people do yell at it, it does, all of that shit all sounds like a Nazi guard to me. I'm like, ah, fuck, it's starting again. But Helsinki was, Helsinki was awesome. I went down to the dock. I got up like five in the morning and walked in the, like a freezing rain. It really was, it really was awesome.

I had a meat pie. I felt like Anthony Bourdain. Like street food, talking to the dock workers. That was fun. Got to hang out late night in Stockholm with some friends, drink to like close down Stockholm. That was great. Only rat I saw the whole time.

Literally, literally a rat. No, Swedish women are tough to walk right between her legs. Like nothing. Oh, look, there's a rat I go. I was going to say, like, yeah, almost walked into our hotel. He walked between her. I wouldn't have been able to handle that. Yeah, it was pretty tough.

But fun. I tell you, I think Iceland was the craziest though. Iceland was nuts. There was no dogs. It scared the shit out of me. I'm like, there's no dogs. What do you do with the dogs? You know, I'm a dog.

I've been petting like every dog in Europe. Last thing we were, so cut to, we went to like, I was on the Baltic Sea or the Aegean. Whatever sea was freezing in Helsinki. Last night, perfect weather were in Israel. Smoking the best stick ever. Where the fuck? I don't even know what that was.

Baltic seas between Sweden and Finland. But I don't know what that body of water is. Let me look this up here. I think I got a map here. I was trying to figure out all of this shit. What, see, what the fuck did I just do? What in God's name just happened? Do you know somebody?

I got a, Duff McKagan's going to be doing my podcast, which I can't believe. So they sent me a link to his new fucking album. I swear, it just never works. It never fucking works. I swear, computers, they don't like me. Well, like last night, I always watched The Hockey Games. Think, oh, okay, we're going to watch The Hockey Game.

It didn't work. You have to redo your password 30 times. The Wi-Fi goes nuts here. The Wi, you know, it's amazing. Wi-Fi is everywhere. Oh, that is all the Baltic Sea. So it is all the Baltic. Oh, we just circled the Baltic.

Yeah, we circled the Baltic. You know what? I actually, we've been looking up seas, because I was claiming the Mediterranean was the biggest. And I feel the greatest of all the seas. I like all the seas. It's the Duke of the Seas. Okay, Duke haters.

You haven't seen a game in Carolina country, man. So you know what was neat though? Like, you know, like if you land, like say you fly into Pittsburgh, you'll see like Cleveland, New York, Washington, D.C. Literally when we landed in Tel Aviv, Tel Aviv, the cities were Beirut, Cairo, and Alexandria. I don't know if we were like high enough up.

I think we were seeing when we were coming in. Because they see how there's Beirut. It was like, yeah, too. Look at that on the map. You know, fucking far away. Yeah, but there's only so many cities they're gonna show. You know, if you're like far enough up, you see like Dallas when you're in the middle of the country.

No, dude, when I, when you talk about when I was taking the pictures when we were on final, coming in. No, no. Well, yeah, when you know, like the computers, they show you like on the screen on the auto. Oh, on the screen, okay. Yeah, I'm not saying I saw Lebanon. I thought you, that's what you were saying.

No, I'm saying like they showed, you know, like approaching where you see like the screen. Yeah, that was pretty bad. People crazy in this conversation. Coming in right over like the end of, I don't know, the most Eastern part, obviously, the Mediterranean Sea, and then just seeing that coast. And it's just like, Jesus Christ, when we're in Israel.

So then we land, right? And, dude, the only other person I ever saw get this fucking, I saw Ben Affleck was on my flight one time, right? I got on the plane. He was already on the plane. And then when they got off and I was sitting there going like, wow, this guy's just gonna get off. This guy's like a huge, huge, huge star.

He's gonna get mobbed. He has no security person. And when he got off the plane, he just went right down with the bags where they bring like, you know, if you had to check your carry-on, because there's no more overhead space. He went down that way and they just whisked him away to his amazing life.

And when we got to Israel, they did the, they gave us the same treatment. I felt like an asshole. They walked around all those people standing in line. I thought somebody was gonna say something. I throw something at us. And it was hilarious. I saw this big fat Jewish dude who I swear to God,

looked like Joe DeRosa. Like there was something about his eyes and it was fucking hilarious. It was like Ellis Island that we skipped. Yeah. It wasn't even a security line. It was like a massive humanity that we just skipped. But we, yeah, they, I thought we were going right to the hotel.

Like we had to go back in the airport. We just skipped everybody by car. Yeah. We somehow went out onto the tarmac, got in a car and drove to the front of the line of immigration. And this guy just walked past everybody, handed our fucking all three of our passports, and they just stamped them and we walked through it.

It's just like, what the fuck was that? That was the greatest thing ever. So, yeah, and then we met the promoter. And that's when I first learned that there was some shit going down over here. He goes, yeah, he goes, I was gonna meet you here with the bulletproof vest and a helmet on.

And I was like, I was like, oh yeah. And then he just looked at me and goes, did you hear what's been going on over here? I was like, no. Because he was, I'm sure you got a bunch of texts. I'm like, no. I don't watch the news, dude. And he goes, hey, you know, he goes,

they shot a couple rockets, you know, in whatever from the, what I don't know how the fuck it works. The guys are stripped or something like that. I read today it was 700. But it was big news. Yeah. So he was like,

like some of that stuff, something happened in the Bruins game. How many texts you get? Yeah, I had no idea. Yeah. So he just kept saying that. And I just jokingly said, dude, I played Camden, New Jersey.

I fucking survived that. I think I'll be all right here. So anyways, this place is fucking magical, man. Like, I don't think I've, this is just, this is something about, you know, being along the Mediterranean, seeing all that and how old this place is

and all the history and all that type of stuff. And I don't know, I just hope I have a good show here tonight. There's so much shit to talk about. But let's talk about seas, Joe. I had to look them up because we were like, it's the Mediterranean, the biggest sea out here.

And being sports fans, there always has to be a ranking here. This is all body water. Biggest ocean, Pacific, then Atlantic, then Indian, then the Arctic. We were, did we see the Arctic? Were we on the Arctic? No, no, no, no.

Arctic was on the other side. Hey, let's look up. We were really high up there. I didn't realize how high up. In those world, high means far up north. Nobody lives higher than Santa Claus. There's the Norwegian sea, though. There's the Greenland Sea, the Barren Sea.

There's the Arctic Ocean. Dude, we were nowhere near. Okay. I mean, for Americans, we were pretty close to it. Yeah, I didn't realize how high up those people are, though. Even compared to Britain, they're pretty high up. Even looked like Iceland. All right, so anyways, here's the rankings of seas

on ocean, Pacific Ocean, Atlantic Ocean, Indian Ocean, and then Arctic Ocean coming in fourth, like the NHL against basketball, football, and baseball. Is soccer creeping up in the battle of the oceans? Yeah, I have no idea. Coral Sea is number one. Arabian Sea, as far as size. The South China Sea, which I don't even know what the fuck that is,

the Caribbean Sea, and then the Mediterranean Sea. So it ranks fifth. Ranks fifth, but. Number one in your heart. Number one in your heart. But number six in your program. Yeah, I mean, come on, dude. I mean, out of all the seas that you could live along,

I mean, you're talking. What has the hottest women? You go Italy, Greece, France, Spain. Dude, how good looking were the people on the flight over here to Israel? Well, that's what I was saying. There wasn't like any 10s, but there was no twos. It was just a.

No, it was a Bella Check team. It was all second round drafts that wanted to prove themselves. It was the Vegas Golden Knights. Exactly. That's exactly what it was. A bunch of discarded. No, but the women here are just redid. Of all the cities, everyone's like,

you know, Sweden had some hotties. Love Sweden. Finland. Finland was amazing. No way. But these Israeli broads, they're like Wonder Woman. Yeah. And they know like that Israeli martial arts,

which makes them even hotter. You know, they talk shit in a bar. They can handle it. Well, it's like that chick. It's like the waitress on the plane. How hot was she? And she was like 60 years old. Dude, she loved you.

Man, I'll tell you something about you, Joe. Fucking women. Women love you the way they're repulsed by me. I don't know about that. I do know there's, I do. They come up to you. Your energy, man. They just, they just smile.

You got them fucking smiling. They look at me. I fucking weird. Everybody like, I have a defensive standoffish vibe that I wish I didn't have. You know, I came into the world with orange hair. So I'm always looking for the other fucking shoe to drop. You came in Joey B looking like a fucking, you know.

I had sideburns when I was, when I was like, you know, when I was whatever, like one day old, I had sideburns in 1969. And all the nurses would always, were laughing at me. And my dad would tell me like in the, yeah, whatever the booth is, they keep babies. You have it, Joe. I always forget the fucking comics name.

It was my favorite jokes of all time. Or he's like, some guys have it with women. I don't know what it is. I never had it, but whatever it is, I have the antidote, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway, let's, let's, let's get into, let's get, let's talk a little bit of hockey here, Joe. My Boston Bruins, I've missed every second of the series

being over here traveling. And my fucking NHL network feed not working. They're, they're up there one game away from closing out the great team that Columbus has put together here with one of your, your favorite coaches out there, right? John Tortorello, the nicest thing I can say about Torts is he likes dogs. I know you just can't stand that guy.

Yeah, it's too much, but he's doing a great job right now. He's doing an absolutely fantastic job with Columbus. And you got to give it to Babrosky, that goaltender, you know, and he's always the regular season guy. Playoffs couldn't stop a beach ball. Now he's stopping everything. Yeah. And I got to, I, I don't want a game seven with them. I want to, I want to end this game.

I'm saying obvious shit here, but I really want to, I really want to fucking, I just want to get past these guys because I, I kind of feel like if they get past us, they might win the cup or they've got that weird, they have that weird vibe. I remember maybe I'm just, I'm just still so stunned that they swept Tampa Bay who just had their fucking way

with us the last two games that I watched with Tampa. I don't know. Like I've said a zillion times. Tampa Bay, Tampa Bay just collapsed though. You're actually going to run into a bigger bus solve teams that believe in each other. Is the Carolina Hurricanes are next. If you're worried about Columbus karma, the storm surge is coming.

Let me ask you this dude. Is it a changing of the guard? Because all of a sudden it's like all these perennial, you know, the very least getting into the Western Conference at Eastern Conference Finals, everybody's gone. Pittsburgh gone. Your penguins gone. Capitals are gone.

Tampa's gone. Winnipeg gone. Vegas nights, I know they're not perennial, but like what they did last year. They're gone. The Kings is dunge. Blackhawks are out. It's like, it's like the league turned upside down.

Well, a couple things happened. One, a couple, some of the fat cats just got had nothing to do from, you know, St. Patrick's Day on and lost their edge and teams had been playing hard. Look at the teams like the Bluesers, Carolina, Columbus. They all had to win every game just to get in. Why do you, why do you gotta call them the Bluesers? Because I've been doing a podcast for seven years

and it's something fun to talk about because they've never won the Blues. I know. Here's my big gripe against the St. Louis Blues, actually, is they've never won anything and they have almost as many retired jerseys as the Montreal Canadiens. How many of these people can actually be heroes?

The Plaguer brothers? I mean, the other guy gave somebody to deal in a car. Now, all of a sudden, his number's retired. Come on. I can see Bret Hall. I can see Al McGuinness. I mean, really? I mean, right in my era.

I understand. I understand what he's saying. My thing is like, they never won a cup. It's not like they haven't won a cup since. They've never won a cup. They've been in the league basically, they came in the league the year after. They came in the same year.

Toronto lost one. Toronto won in 67, then the next year was the expansion. They're the next six. They came in with us and Philly. No, but yeah, so that was 67, 68. So Maple Leafs won 66, 67. And they've never won a fucking cup. I don't know.

I just, I don't, I don't hate them. I just like calling them the Bluesers. It's fun and they've never won. So they are the Blues and they kind of get a pass because Americans, it's like they're like in St. Louis where it's like nobody, they don't have that anger, East Coast anger. And they don't really have that hockey anger,

that Patrick Division anger, that Adams Division anger. And they were in the North. I will say, I mean, so in the meeting, like their GM this year has made some lucky moves. Usually he's just like, I don't know. I always think their GM is kind of a tool and they had Ken Hitchcock who I hate Captain Kangaroo. I mean, that guy, I love the fact it's Dallas and the Bluesers,

two teams that fired Ken Hitchcock. I call him Captain Kangaroo. So I love the fact they're still in there. Now everyone's like, oh my God, Bartlett's talking hockey click. No, they're not. No, they're not. They're actually probably upset with me

that I haven't fucking been talking for the longest time. You know, once you have the kid or whatever. Dude, my brain, I don't know what's going on with my fucking brain. I just had something, yet again, something that I wanted to fucking say. You said something, reminded me of something,

and it just goes away, Joe. Where does it go? Where does it go in your own way? The last couple years, there's things sometimes I just can't remember. Like, it takes me day, I forget them every time. Tracy Morgan, I love the guy. One of my favorite weeks ever working with him.

There's like a sun spot in my head that I can never remember that. I have to say, yeah, there's guys on our live, 30 Rock to everyone. It's like I'm playing $20,000 pyramid every time I say his name. And I know it's Tracy. It's so funny.

Or like a hockey player's name. I have two comics like that, and I'm not going to say their names because I love both of them. And I don't want to kiss them off. But I just cannot. Now I have both their names in my head right now. I could say them, but I don't want to say it.

I just, for some fucking reason, it just never sticks. It's like, there's a couple of words my whole life I just can't spell. Like for the longest time, I just couldn't spell restaurant. I just couldn't spell it. I couldn't remember. That's another thing too, dude.

The older I get, I'm realizing how fucked up my brain as far as the way I look at shit. Like, you know what always fucks me up in a hotel? Is when you get into a shower, and they have like the hot and cold, and it's done with the, they have like a red dot on the left side and then a blue one on the right side.

So to me, that means if you turn it to the right, it's going to be cold. Right. But it isn't. You got to have whatever dot is on top. It just never fucking, so I'm sitting there. I want it to get hotter, and it's getting colder and colder. I'm standing there, freezing my ass up, going, what the fuck?

So now whenever I go to a shower, because I always guess wrong, whenever I get to a shower in a hotel, what I do is I just stick it in the middle for a minute. And I just wait till it gets warm, and then I just turn it a little bit one way or the other. So that's the only way I can tell. When I stand at a stove, to me,

the front of the stove is what everybody else considers the back. I always look at it like I'm standing at the back of a car. I don't know, dude. You got to be confused with me on the stoves now. But I'll say the shot. Say here's the stove, right? This table right here. Right.

The closest part to me, that's the back to me. The front, the front is like, that's the front, and then we're moving towards the back. You think you're looking at a map of a show, like you're buying tickets to see the town, kind of like you were in the front, not in the back. Yeah, that's how I look. You look like I'm standing behind a car.

Right. Yeah, the thing about the showers, I think the only thing, that in the fact that every airplane, they have the windows up the whole time. I think the only two things I don't like about Europe, is that in the fact the showers are all death traps. Me and clubs in the county, I've almost died about four times.

You guys, you have big guys, I haven't had a problem with the size of the showers. It's like the last doors that like, and you have to climb over a wall again. It's like you have to break into the shower, then there's a glass door, and every Mayday, I would do it if I was cleaning up up after ugly Americans. Every shower is one of those showers,

it's like you can either have the rainstorm down or the anal, you know, clean out all your crevices. But they always put the crevice thing, aim directly where your face would be, when you turn on the water. And every time I laugh, it gets me every time. Dude, that's gotta be, that's gotta be the fuck you from the Mayday.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, that's the best, like you don't even have to turn it on. Yeah, but. I have to be honest, I have no idea what that fucking handheld thing is for. Oh, I do, but you know, it's a family show. Yeah, it's for cleaning everything out. I mean, I don't know, I just,

but you gotta use your fucking hands, gotta be on a washcloth to do it. And then you got that hand, it's like you're taking a hand of, you got a hands-free device where you could just stand there cleaning yourself. I thought, I always thought it was for women. I think it's for men.

They want it to like pleasure themselves in the shower. Well, that too, it has, you know, it has many, many ways to skin a cat. I'll tell you one thing though, the other thing, the other thing I don't like about Europe is a lot of, and it's funny because I don't even drink soda anymore for three years, but I'm offended as an American. It's a lot of Pepsi countries.

It was a lot of Pepsi countries on the floor. A lot of Pepsi countries, not good. Come on, Trump. No, wait, which ones were they? I assume it was a Pepsi country. The first two were Pepsi countries. And then we see them like we got back, and then like the regular cities.

Copenhagen was a Pepsi country. But Copenhagen was the first time I smelled urine in the street. And I'm like, okay, I'm feeling a city now. Feeling a city. And I saw the rat and Sweden was next. Helsinki was the, Helsinki and Oslo to me were the most like American cities.

I'll tell you what though. I love what makes you feel at home, the smell of urine and rats. No, but I love the concrete, the trains. The train system, I love the subways. It was great. Walk, I just got up every morning and walked around. Here's the funny, we've seen millions of people in the streets,

big cities, right? Only one person that would get through kind of a jerk. That was an old guy in the airport that gave you a forum shiver. Oh my God. Iron Mike Sharp. And he bumped into Kenny and shoot me away like it away. Yeah, that was this fucking guy.

We were going through airport security. And I saw this guy, you know, I'm over here missing my daughter and everything. I just see this guy just like lit up this old guy with his granddaughter. I'm like, oh, that guy totally gets it. He gets life. He spoils that kid.

It was making me feel seeing the joy that he had with his kid made me, you know, feel a little less, you know, fucking sad that I don't know why. But, you know, just seeing like this, seeing, you know, when you're missing your kid and you see somebody who looks like they suck at being a parent and really just fucking ruined your day,

but you actually see somebody with that kid, a grand kid and you see that they're enjoying it and it makes you feel, I don't know. You know, at least this guy's appreciating it, right? So all of a sudden, I'm going through the fucking security. And I just, this fucking guy, like right in my, like a cross check, right in my base in my back. And he said something like, get out of the way,

get out of the way in his language. And I'm looking at him like, and then I looked behind me. There was nobody behind me. And I'm like, what the fuck was that? I'm looking at him. It was this sweet old guy with his kid. And I'm thinking like, what the fuck was that about? And then I just kind of laughed because he was old.

And I said to Joe, I say to you, I go, I go, that guy is fucking the fucking old guy. Just gave me a little mini forearm shiver to the back. And then he, and then you go, oh yeah, yeah. He fucking shoot me away. He did the double hand like, get out of here, get out of the way. And then we tell it to club soda Kenny. And Kenny goes, yeah, he pushed me too.

So I think he didn't like Americans. That's the only way I can think about it. Cause there's, there's, there's one thing of being an asshole, but dude, you and club soda Kenny are like, you, you like the fucking, uh, I don't know. You're both like six, three, six, four, you're fucking. Meatheads, not in the meathead sense of like, uh, we lift, we look like we're like, we lift weights,

but in the meathead sense that we're just big in the way. No, I would say meatheads. Okay. No, and I just, I mean, we, we don't look like the barbarians though. Remember those guys in 80s movies? No, no, dude, I'm fucking with you. I'm fucking with you.

No, I know, but you know, we do just stand in the way though. We are, we are big to get around. Well, I've been doing so well with my anger and I gotta be honest with you, that fucking, you were almost triggered. It almost triggered you. That set me off where I was just like, I, am I really going to, am I really looking for this guy right now to bump back into him and old guy,

like, let it go. Bill, like, they always see the retaliatory penalty as well. I know. Two minutes. He, he, he, he, he, he, he ready Marcia, he, he got in your head. He got in your head at the airport, but think of all the airports we've been in. And every, I've never been a goal scorer. My team, my team can handle me in the box, you know, that, that, that, that,

me fighting an old guy is not going to hurt the whole team. You have a lot of PMs in your career. You have a lot of, you have a lot of PIMs. Oh yeah. I'm not going to say who, but somebody else told us the fucking story about, uh, I don't know, about, I don't know, somebody of his, I'm going to make this real vague, a buddy of his that was going through some shit with his wife. His wife was drinking and then she got hammered and tried to hit him,

swung and missed and did a face plan on the sidewalk and fucked herself up and then said, I can't believe you just did that to me and was threatening to, uh, do the old domestic violence. They do them in the level that that fucking set me off. Um, I actually learned something about myself about that. And I kind of figured out where that came from. I kind of, I grew up with a couple of relatives that did not have good relationships and whatever their experience was subconsciously, they put it on me and I kind of,

I think I just took that in of like, oh, women fuck you over. You get, you get involved with them and then the other shoe drops and they fuck you. I'm telling you, Joe, it's like, I, and I somehow took that in and I walk around with that energy and that's why that beautiful Israeli chick was talking to you and she looked at me. She was talking to you like, oh, and go see this and go see that blah, blah. She looked at me. She's just like, is she, is everything all right? She's like, all right, take it easy.

You know what, well, you know, what's funny was like, when he wanted the person to call him Mr. Bursey, I'm like, oh, is she going to tell me the places to go to? No, she is not. That was one of the funniest things ever in first class because he was so, you know, Mr. Amenities. Whenever she goes to Kenny, she gave Kenny's last name, Mr. And then she's like, Mr. Burr, and then she's Mr.

Bartnick. And then she started talking to me. So then she just goes to Bursey like, what do you want? Bursey was so upset. But the other play they had to go, can you please call him Mr. Bursey? That's the thing. When me and Bursey fly together, we laughed the whole time.

We looked like two homos going on their honeymoon. They were all just like, oh, champagne. That's the thing. We're going to a room. No, you two guys, you make the world believe in love. You see, you two guys together, you're like, you know what? It can't happen for me. It can really happen for me.

So who's your pick? Who's your pick to go to the Stanley Cup final? Sharks Bruins. Sharks Bruins. Joe Thorpe, Jumbo Joe coming back, maybe hoisting the cup in Beantown. But yeah, well, I had, to me, I had yet another great player that we shipped out during that time because he, you know, that told, he's not a Bruin. It's just like, what, what the fuck does that mean?

He's scoring goals by the goddamn bag full. I don't know. I never understood that one. They always, you know what it was? You know, the Flyers did that thing for the longest fucking time. They still do. No, no, they don't, they don't. But they, they, they did how they wanted in 74 and 75.

They kept playing that way. It was like they kept a high school jacket on for like the next fucking 30 years. The Bruins, the Bruins also had that big, bad Bruin. We play this, we play a certain style. So when we would get guys that came in who are big guys who weren't going to sit in the penalty box and they were just going to score a fucking goals, I don't think we knew how to deal with them or at least Harry Sinden did way back in the day. It wasn't the worst trade though for both parties concerned.

But yeah, I had the Bruins, I thought, I thought Bruins had the best chance of meeting Tampa Bay. And I was, I was wrong about that Columbus did, but I, I just think this is the Sharks year. I think they all know that they had the right blend of youth and they got Carlson on the blue end, blue line now. I mean, they, they, they can control 45 minutes with two, two defensemen between birds. 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,680 But what about the Boston slam? I wasn't a, I'm rooting for the Boston slam just because of all the people that just hate Boston.

I think it's, I think jealousy and envy is just the worst thing on earth. When people are jealous people or envious people, it's sickening. So I was jealous and envious the way that woman was talking to you and when she blew by me. I hope you didn't look across the aisle. What was so funny was I tell you, I have to tell the story. We have to tell the story of the, the family, uh, orgy, uh, um, you know, family pool with the holiday in and then at the hotel. Oh my God.

Where were we? We were in Amsterdam. That was Amsterdam, but they had the fuck they had this great gym and downstairs spiral staircase down and they had this, this pool, the spa. And I brought my, I finally remembered to bring my bathing suit and my swimming goggles. I've been swimming laps every city I've been going to. Thank God. We were like Thornton, Mellon.

We stayed the same with a towel. You're swimming in the pool talking about what's going on in your life. Like it's okay, Bill. Get a couple more laps and we'll go steep. So we go into the fucking, uh, the steam room, right? And I'm thinking, you know, there's a men's one and a woman's one or whatever. And I forgot how close to Germany we were. What dude, I'm telling you, they were fucking butt ass naked.

We got there and it was like a co-ed one. So we get in there and we fucking walk in and I look into like the, the sauna and dude, it looked like the Partridge family. It was like an entire family in there. There was like men, women, kids, all different ages and like just the lie. I looked for two seconds and I was, look, look, I saw a lot of skin and I just started laughing and I turned around and I walked out. I had to regroup and be like, I'm not fucking going in there.

So then I saw the steam room. So we went in there and we got in there and they had that thing turned onto about like 72 degrees or something. It wasn't even hot enough. It was, it was, it was not as hot as your grandmother's house. Yeah, dude. It was, it was fucking horrific. And then you told me, I said, dude, I couldn't look into that sonarum.

And you were like, yeah, there's a couple of women in there with their beavers out. And I was just like, I'm not, I'm not fucking going in there. I'm not, I fucking refuse to do that. So then those, those, those little Italian kids came in. It was like growing up Goddy. There is Italian kids in there spraying everyone with hoses or just spraying each other. Spraying each other in the steam thing. Yeah.

It was a little, it was a little, it was funny how you said it though. It was like, we went from like the holiday in and, um, you know, Cincinnati family pool to like, we joined the cult in Germany. Oh yeah. Yeah, we went that door. Yeah. Like the pool, then the pool was, there was a bunch of kids in it. It was this amazing pool and we were spoiled because there's been nothing but like lap pools

for adults. And we got there to, yeah, it was like the fucking way back. Like I was saying at a Howard Johnson fucking, uh, I don't know that one they used to have, we used to drive down the Cape when I was a kid. But anyway, so I ended up going upstairs and I just fucking worked out instead. But dude, I gotta tell you right now, that fucking bullshit where you go into a, uh, a sauna and there's men and women there and everybody is fucking naked. It's like, dude, you know, go join a cult.

Go fucking go, go to one of those, this, like, I don't understand how it's like we're in a regular part of town and all of a sudden I go to like a nudist beach. But that's like, that's for like a specific kind of fucking person. There was one in San Francisco. It's hilarious, you know, the Baker beach. So I was screwing around. So I'm like, uh, I'm like, oh, I'm, I'm going to show up and, uh, and mess with my girlfriend. He's not my wife and be naked, you know.

So to me, my buddy, captain, captain kept his clothes on. We're walking down and all of a sudden it's like she's with a bunch of people we work with. It was so embarrassing. No, yeah, I don't, I don't. But in those days, I was known to be naked way more because I drank a lot more, well, not a lot more, but more. Um, yeah, it's just, it was, it was just, uh, you know, there's no, there was no reason for her to the women to just be like spread eagle.

It was like, they can just sat there nicely, like with their robes on, like I did. Yeah, I don't, you know, there was no, then it's, then you go in there and then there's like this pressure because they're naked. If you don't get naked, then you're a fucking weirdo. And it's like, no, I'm, I'm the same one here. Yeah. No, I kept, I kept it together. I don't know.

Maybe I don't, maybe it's my fucking uptight Catholic upbringing. Let me read a little bit of advertiser. All right. Policy genius. It's spring exclamation point. The time of year when seeds grow into flowers. Oh, does that still actually happen? I thought corporations own all the fucking seeds.

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She said, you bitch. Talk about your mom and why she deserves to be happy this Mother's Day. Because she's my mom. Like, why do I have to get into that? People hate their moms. I just don't know. I mean, you know. Well, I mean, you could have an asshole mother.

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Did you have to make me say that in the middle of this read? No, I'm sorry. I just melted the chocolate off the strawberry. No, we didn't have to go that extreme. Well, I tried to dance around it. You weren't taking the bait. Like everybody's mom's crazy. You're making like the ones who like made jello with the fruit in it.

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They do kick ass. I gotta say, and for the record, my mom, yeah, she's that fun kind of crazy. Oh, yeah. She's all your eye crazy. She's one of those. My mom is actually totally saint. My mom, my mother is a saint. I've always told her.

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and type in burr that stamps.com enter burr. All right. How do you get five cents off of a stamp? Well, I mean, they cost more than five cents, so there you go. It seems like a good deal, though. It is, especially, you know, that makes you want to write more people. Yeah, I like going to the post office, though. You know?

Yeah. You have to make sure that my stuff gets there. It's like, I'd only once in my life, I put a check into an ATM. I like seeing somebody's face. Oh, yeah, you're one of those guys. Well, that's good. I mean, it kind of kills the copy I just read. No, no, no, I'm not saying that.

I've said it's a great deal. All right. Hey, by the way, my Patreon page, I had to shut it down because, for those of you who follow me on Instagram, I'm just, I just don't fucking, I'm not, I just walk around. I'm not, what am I? I'm fucking working for Meet the Press or whatever, some gum shoe or some shit. I'm not filming the shit I'm doing.

I'm doing the shit I'm doing. So I suck at it. And I felt bad, like I was taking some people's money. I just don't want to fucking do it anymore. So we're going to, we got a YouTube, all the uninformeds are now going to be available on iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, you can catch up now, new episodes to come, me and Joe de Rosa. I apologize to people that subscribed to my page. I started off fast.

I had a couple of helicopter videos and it just, I just never, I just never think to do that. I saw a fucking JetBlue plane that people thought they were going to crash and people had the presence of mind during possibly the end of their life. I loved it. Started filming like their phones were going to survive. You fucking drop your phone off a goddamn table with no fucking case. The screen shatters. You're going to survive a, you're going to die, but there's going to be a plane crash

and your fucking phone's going to have the video. Yeah, no, Patreon just seems like way too much work to keep up the content. I don't know what to give a, what to pay for. I mean, I mean, I'm not saying, I'm saying to do one myself. We were going to do one for Pac-Off. It's like, when someone gets a free t-shirt, what else is there? I'm not going to walk around. Then if I put my morning skates on there and it's like dead people,

just want to see it for free. I just like give them, you know, I like giving, I like giving back. Hey, you're a man of the people. Do you think that if this is a part of it that's comforting, you know, when you're in a near-death experience to film it, because now it feels like you're so excited about the content you're going to have for your Instagram, that it takes you out of the fact that you could possibly, that you're not going to be around to upload it, that you're going to be immortal.

Everybody's going to be like, epic guy films his own death. I don't know. Joe, I'm just trying to relate to the youth here. Let's, let me, let me read some of these. I'm sorry. There's a, there's a couple here, Joe, that I, I, I'm going to start with this one, because this is the one. Oh, this is, this is mail time?

This is mail time. I just want to say one thing that I thought was interesting, if you don't mind. I thought it was funny. No, you can chime in whenever you want. No, because I said, hey, I didn't know if we were going to be in Africa. I didn't know if Israel is like considered Africa. Then I would knock off five continents I've been to. No, it's Asia.

Right. So they told me that it's Asia, but they pretend that they're in Europe. You were saying they identify. Yeah. So I was saying, so they're like transgender in the sense that even though they are Asian, they identify as Europeans. Yeah. That's, that gets into all that race shit.

Like white people, I don't know. It's weird. It's weird. It's almost like how real estate, you know, they do that and they try to act like, you know, yeah, if it really is Harlem, but they call it something else. Yeah. Because they don't want to scare white people or whatever. Right.

It's like Asia is the shit. Okay. Well, one of the greatest things I ever did was that time when I did that Singapore, Hong Kong, Mumbai, they're great fucking people. So if you're in Asia, I don't know why the fuck you wouldn't want to say that you're Asian. That's weird to me. All right. Resident Scientologists.

Hey, Billy Orange balls. See the lack of respect they get here. Been a big fan for years. Loved all your specials. This is your podcast. But I grew up a Scientologist. Uh-oh. I know.

I mean, it's really Scientologists. How do you do that? I thought they were gay. Who Scientologists? They were gay. You thought Scientologists were gay? I think it's like the closet world. I mean, I know Travolta has kids, but other than that, like, I mean...

Well, it's not everybody. I don't know. I think it's just like this cult. Well, this is the thing. Christianity is a cult that... Oh, religions are... Yeah. Well, what happens is you get big enough that then you're not a cult.

You're just considered a religion. So I think that's what Scientology is working towards, is getting rid of the cult status. It's just like us. It's comics. They're working their way that they're going up, you know? I would say Scientology right now, they're selling out improvs. And they want to become a theater act. Like, you know, Christianity, I feel like Catholicism used to be an arena act.

And now they're back down to theaters after they got cut fucking all those kids. I don't know. Catholicism is like, they're like, they're big, dude. No, dude, it's dying in our country. And so now they're going down to South America. Watch out, everybody in South America. Don't buy into it. No, I mean, I know that I didn't know you could grow.

I mean, really, there's like families that just were a Scientologist family. I think just with adults joined. That's all. I guess... No, but at this point... I get that both your parents are Scientologists, then you're... Yeah. Okay.

They've been around long enough. I'm sorry. Yeah. I don't know. It's not just gay people that joined a week ago. It's not just guys that wanted to move up in Hollywood. It's not like... Right.

You know, what it is, is you have a very Hollywood LA experience with it. So there was, yeah, there was a lot of that. It seemed like in Hollywood, it's like, if I was in gay and I don't want to rehab, then I'll become a Scientologist. It's going to make the next level of how to sneak in the back door of... How to get a career going? Yeah. I don't know.

Whatever. I look at all religions as the same, where if it works for you, God bless you, but I think it's all bullshit. Me too. I look at the same exact way. All right. Growing up as a Scientologist, I was looked at weird. Yelled at in the streets.

Brainwashed. You name it. Brainwashed as we sit there talking about all of our fucking shit. Heard everything. I never understood it. What the fuck? Why though? Then one day it happened.

I look at myself in the mirror. I had a huge piece of lettuce in my teeth all those years. Embarrassing. I guess he's saying metaphorically. Every comedian who brings up Scientology in their jokes, including you, says how crazy we are. I never said you guys were crazy. I compared you. I said you were as crazy as my religion.

I thought I showed respect when I said you were nuts. Right? I don't know. I'm trying to make myself the hero. And how crazy religion is. But I don't believe that that's what you guys think. Because if you actually thought we believed in the aliens coming down and the spaceships and the mind reading.

I never said mind reading. How did they know he was a Scientologist in the streets? He wearing like a battlefield earth t-shirt. He probably told him. How did they know he was a Scientologist? He probably told him. Wait a minute. Well, well, well, well, well.

Because if you actually thought we believed in the aliens coming down and the spaceships and the mind reading, you'd all be on fucking board. Every one of you. No, I wouldn't. All caps. All caps. That's the coolest shit ever. Dude, that's the coolest shit ever if you're smoking weed talking about it.

But if it's an actual organization and it's some old crusty red-headed guy telling me this shit, yeah, I'm not fucking buying that. I'd rather watch Barney's TV in Amsterdam than be on the spaceship. So I don't buy it. Anyways, he says, I laugh when people say Scientology is crazy and bad and wrong. And their only source of information on the subject is anti Scientologists who hate Scientology. I saw the Scientology documentary, Stay Away. I mean, that's a decent point he's making here.

If you thought that documentary was good, you would love the documentary Hitler did on the Jews. Amazing. Best ever or that documentary, The Wild E. Coyote did on the Road Runner. Oh man, stay away from the Road Runner. Most horrible bird of all time. All right. So this guy's obviously offended and does not have any sense of humor about.

Dude, you can say whatever you want about the Catholic Church. I mean, we literally tortured people into becoming. There is a tortured chamber in this hotel. Yeah. 800 years old. Yeah. And 800 year old tortured chamber that they used to put on religious. Yeah, dude, that creeped me out.

And you go see that in the end, one of the little iron fucking things that you would put the chain around, a little hoop in the wall. I was just like, dude, I don't want to be down here. This is like my entertainment. And other people get, you know, and it was part of the crusade. And they were fucking tortured people. Dude, this is the thing. You can say whatever you fucking want about my religion.

I'm not saying that there isn't something after this and spirituality and all that shit. But religion is a fucking business. And I believe that with mine. I don't know enough about yours. And just out of respect that your religion is your religion. I'm not going to say anything about it, but like it's pretty much, I don't know. If it works for you, God bless you. It's all organized crime.

All right. Most people who are nervous or put off by Scientology have never read any Scientology books. I dub these people pussy ass bitches, scared little men. Well, I mean, you sounding like a crazy person. Why do I want to read a book? Now you just sound dumb. About Scientology though. It's like, you know, I've other things to do with my life.

It's like, why would I want to do that? I will say this. One time somebody recommended an acting class and it was the weirdest fucking thing I ever been in. All right, dude, you know what? Now I'm going to tell this fucking story. Because now you're going a little too hard here because I'm going to tell you this. Somebody like a long, long time ago, we're talking Bill Burr with fucking full head of hair. Long time ago said to me, hey, because I was looking to take an acting class because I

didn't have an acting gig or anything like that. You know, I was out in LA. You know, it's what you do. I need to get on TV for whatever dumb reason, right? So this person recommended this acting class. So I go in, you know, acting class, you know, it's pretty packed too, right? So, and there's a guy teaching it. He's famous.

All right. I'll tell you after the podcast who it was. So I'm like, wow. You did Travolta Blink twice? Huh? It was Travolta Blink twice. No, no, no. He doesn't have time.

He's too busy crushing it. So I fucking go in there and they go, okay. And the guy goes to start the class. He goes, okay, does anybody have any news they want to announce? And so many of the class raises their hand. They're like, yeah, I just booked two episodes on JAG. Like this is a long time ago. Dude, and when I tell you the whole class,

like you would have thought somebody just fucking hit a three-point to win an NBA championship. They all just go like, whoa, like fucking crazy. And I was just like, dude, what the fuck? Three other people announced, oh, I got something on friends or fucking everybody loves Raymond screaming like that. So then they go, all right, ladies and gentlemen, we have a couple of people auditing the class today.

They go, please stand up, comedian, please welcome Bill Burr. Dude, and they cheered that loud again. Like my face turned red. It was fucking crazy. And I'm like, what the fuck? So during the break of the class, I go in to meet them, to talk to them. I'm auditing the class is what they call it.

You check it out. And the guys just go and like, you know, we have our own security. We have our own, everything was our own blah, blah, blah. And I jokingly said, Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm joining a cult. And he sort of looked at me. It was, I was like, what the, you know, so whatever. So I ended up, and I talked to the guy during the break,

the famous dude, and he's just looking at me goes, was that a little much in the beginning? Was it a little much? And I was looking at him. It was like, it was pretty intense, dude. So I ended up leaving and I told the story to somebody. They will laugh and they go, where did you go? And I told them, and they go, Bill, that's Scientology.

I go, get the fuck out of here. And then these fucking creeps for like a week kept calling me. And now, and dude, it was freaking me out. Like they was stalking. It was a fuck. It was supposed to be an acting class. And these fucking guys wouldn't leave me alone. I finally had to get like firm with them and be like, dude,

I'm not going back. And the guy goes, we lost you. Yeah, dude. So fuck you, man. Fuck you. Like, dude, I gotta tell you something. Like they, I was like legit uncomfortable. Like I got to the point where I felt like, I'm like,

these motherfuckers follow me around. Yeah, that's what they do. Like in San Francisco, they'd have chicks that go, hey, you want to take a personality test? I'll go sit in the booth with you for 20 minutes. And then all of a sudden it's like, and they try to become Scientologists. But I don't know why like, I don't want to sound stupid.

I like reading books. But it's like, why don't you read a book? It's like, why don't, why don't I want to read a book about that shit? Listen, here's the thing, Joe. Having said all of that, what they're doing, that is way less than the Inquisition or any of that other shit. However, it's still all unacceptable fucking behavior. As far as I'm concerned, and I'm entitled to that.

So dude, I respect the fact that you're a Scientologist. You want to do that shit. God bless you. People, you want to go to fucking church. People over here, whatever the fuck you guys want to do, I don't give a fuck. Just, I just, just respect me that I don't, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to be a part of it.

I just don't want to be a part of it. I just want to be a fucking. Do you know what my new religion is right now, Joe? The new Queer Eye for Straight Guy on Netflix. Because they've now taken it to the point that they don't just, you know, find straight guys that dress like us. Trying to help us out. They actually help people's lives.

Like I saw them, they helped out these two sweet older women that, that were running their dad's barbecue joint in fucking Kansas City. Not only did they do a makeover with their clothes. They got their teeth fixed. They got their hair done. Then they fucking redid their whole barbecue place without ruining it. They just updated it. And then they also got their secret barbecue sauce.

They, they found a factory down the street that would jar it. They could sell it. So it's like, so it's like a bar rescue and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Yeah. But you know, when I watch bar rescue, there's something about when they go in there and they're just gagging because of, because those people are like morons. These people just like needed help. I feel, I don't know.

Every bar seemed like a better place to drink before Taffer gets there. Yeah. It's all free drinks and chicks taking up their clothes. Then Taffer shows up and it's like, yeah, I don't need a mint julep. I went that broad topless giving me a shot and a beer. Well, I just watched one episode of that, the new Queer Eye, the Kansas City one. I watched it with Nia when we were at Iceland.

It literally made me want to be a better person. All we do is bitch about rich people and fucking politicians and all of this shit, religion and all of that. And meanwhile, we could all be helping each other out on the bottom and then fuck all these people. It's just like, and maybe, I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably nothing because I'm a selfish cunt, but it made, you know, it's such a good show.

It made me think of being a good person, right? That's a step. It's the first start. It's the start. Yeah. I was going to start singing that Michael Jackson song. I'm stuck, but it's a bad time to do that. All right.

The man in the mirror. Okay. All dad. Hey, Billy billionaire. Give him 70 percent. I don't even know what that means. Like, because I was bitching that, you know, they should look at the 20 trillion untaxed US dollars in the fucking Caribbean

rather than fucking going after newly rich fucking college kids who invented an app and had the audacity to be worth more than 10 million bucks. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly four years and the baby talk is starting to get more serious on his part. Uh-oh. I've never really wanted children. In fact, I hate most kids, but I am somewhat open to the idea. Oh, Jesus, you're all over the road here.

The problem is that he is 46 and I am 28. Well, yeah, that was going to be a problem. His balls are drying up over there. I can see myself wanting a kid later, maybe in five to 10 years, but with him being so old, I'm not sure we have that kind of time though. You talk about being an old dad all the time in the podcast and while it's funny, I can see where it's also terrifying. Yeah, like, am I going to die before I get this bird flying here?

By the way, good on you for getting fit and healthy. We started going to the gym and eating healthy a few years ago. Our only problem is a little weekend binge drinking. He also hits the Adderall hard at those times. Oh boy. Obviously that panics me when considering having children. Other than that, we make a swell team. We split bills, travel and have individual hobbies.

Somehow the age difference hasn't been a problem except with the baby talk. Should I pull back on the fear and go for it? Try to wait until I feel ready, which could be never. Tell them to adopt another dog. Thanks in advance. And if they try to take 70% fight them to the death cheers bill. All right, my opinion on this, you don't want to hear my opinion. All right, let's hear yours.

Don't have a kid. You're going to ruin your life. If he needs a kid, he can find somebody else for 28. You got another 10 years. You love travel. You love this. You love that. It changes everything.

If you're not ready to have a kid, do not bring a kid into this world. Yeah, I look at it like if you love this guy, you know, I don't know. I've seen it's been nothing but positive having a kid for myself. I'm not saying you're not saying it's not positive. But if you're not on the same page, that's kind of a big thing. And that guy doesn't have a lot of time. I don't know. I guess Tony Randall and Mick Jagger had one in their 70s.

So let me not together. I mean, I love my daughter and everything, but your life changes. And it seems to me that you're still young. And you're traveling and you're doing this and you're doing that. And it's like that ends. But I also look at like 28 is a great age to have a fucking kid. I mean, I mean, as a kid, kid fucking graduates college right around the time you're 50, then you're going to get to be a grandmother or a grandfather.

You get to see that. You get to fucking give people forearm shivers and they don't do anything in the fucking airport. Listen, there's like any big decisions. There's like, you know, there's ups and downs to it. And just get a kid the old fashioned way. Fuck around. If you get pregnant, it's a miracle. If you don't, you don't.

All right. Worst advice ever. I have some advice. Don't listen to either one of us. All right. Need some advice, buddy. Billy Baldness. I love you podcast and everything.

Thank you. But as kissing aside, I'm in some shit. So I've been dating this girl for almost two years now and everything has been great up until about four months ago. She is non-binary. What does that mean? That's above my pay grade. Hang on a second.

I got to look that up. That's one of them codes for like gay, but not gay or whatever. Yeah. That's one of those ones. It's like dresses up differently, but means to be somebody else. All right. That went to genderqueer wikipedia. What is non-binary?

Non-binary gender is an umbrella term to describe any gender identity that does not fit into the gender binary of male or female. Like I said. No, I'm trying to do the math on that. Yeah. I'm not good in algebra either. Wait. I need my daughter's math tutor to tell me.

Dude, I don't give a fuck if I'm looking up shit like this or just the definition of a word, then there's always like another 20 things you have to look up. Dude, I looked up to stupid Patriots Mitchell and Nesco like fucking full months ago. They won't leave me alone. I'm not buying it. Stop fucking popping up with the ads. You think they give up after you Google non-gender binary? Maybe he doesn't want a Patriots jacket.

All right. That's a good way to get them off your trail. Non-binary gender is an umbrella term described as identity. It's not fit into any gender binary of male or female. Non-binary gender also sometimes referred to as genderqueer. People may, for example, and I don't understand genderqueer. I thought queer was offensive, but if it's part of a bigger word, it isn't. For example, identifying as having no gender,

fall on a gender spectrum somewhere between male and female or identity. Oh, okay. All right. I think I get that now. That just means like people look at you. To look at you naked, you're a dude, but you don't feel like a dude. Right? Oh, Lord.

I know. We can never sound dumber right now. Let's just follow ahead. All right. So she's non-binary, so she has no real sexual preference. And she's had had a female friend that she dated in high school. Does that mean this? Oh, why did he just say she's cool?

I like non-binary chicks. That's my kind of chick. How do you know that's what they were? No, I learned a new word. You learn something every day. Ah, look at that chick. I love non-binary chicks. I love non-binary broads.

All right. So she is non-binary, so she has no real sexual preference. She's had a female friend that she dated in high school, and it was on and off from what I understand. But this person moved to California years ago and moved back to our state like six months ago. And that's when the problem starts. I had no issue with it. Dude, you got us somehow.

No, you got to get in there. Dude, you got to get in there. No issue. Oh, my goodness. You got to get in there. I had no issue with it. And so recently when my girlfriend asked me if I would mind if she got a girlfriend. But I'm not cool with that.

We talked somewhat about it, and she gets irate every time we talk. Last night, she, you wrote cute. She cut basically all her hair off. And all I can see is get friend now. What? Dude, this is like the most important part of the sentence. On top of that, she's been posting non-stop about gay stuff. Normally, I wouldn't care, but they also snapchat each other at all times of the day.

And she's gotten very private about her phone. I mean, Jesus Christ, dude, how many more red flags do you need? Which lends me, does she walk around with a T-shirt that said not feeling dick right now? I mean, yeah, she's, this is a rap dude, which leads me to believe some shit is going down. She says she doesn't want to leave me, but also won't budge with my request on them taking less on changing platforms. Listen, dude, what's going on here is because she doesn't identify is she's kind of leapfrogging over with political correctness that she's going to go fucking have sex with somebody

else when she's, is she in a committed relationship? But you have an open relationship, then I guess you'd have to roll with this. But if you guys are in a committed relationship, she goes out and gets with a guy or a woman, that's not cool. Like dude, you got to, you like, I would get out of this. She invited, she invited him in though. Wait. He's the one that said no.

Wait, I missed that part? Well, I think up there somewhere. Oh yeah, so I mean, she's non-binary and she's had a female friend on and off, but this person moved to California. I had no issue with this until recently. My girlfriend asked me if I would mind if she got a girlfriend. That, that will, it's like, well, am I going, am I going to be part of that? Okay.

Excuse me. I was wrong. I thought you said that she said, listen, Joe, don't let your fantasy get in the way of what these people actually say. Anyway, also, also to throw a wrench in everything we have, we have an apartment together and we are both on the lease. I'm kind of fucked because I have no family out here and just one friend I initially moved out here for, but he got a lady and turned his back on me about a year ago.

Well, you got a lady too, dude. What are you talking about? Any advice, please keep up the content, my bald brother. All right. This is what I would do, dude. Like, um, yeah, I would just get out of this fucking thing and you're both on the lease. So, you know, if she wants to have a new girlfriend over later, who gives a fuck? And this is the thing, dude, I would break her.

I'd break up with her and then just be, just be fucking cool. All right. Don't get involved in, but then you know what's going to happen is they're going to want you to get the fuck out of there, but I would actually work on my life more. You can't tell me whatever the fuck you live in. There's not a place that you can find on your own. You know what I would do? The way she just said, fuck this, I'm getting a girlfriend and cut her hair.

She's just doing what the fuck she wants to do. Then I would be like, fine, what I would do, I go, I would go Al Madrigal. Well, Al just gets the whole fucking thing done and then just hands him a box full of stuff and be, here's your stuff. We're broke it up. I would go fucking get another apartment. All right. And one day while she's at work, I'd take a day off from work.

I'd get a buddy. I'd move all my shit out and then that would be it. And then I'd call and say, listen, we need to talk. And she's going to come home and be like, where's all your stuff? I said, I moved it to an apartment because we're breaking up. And then she's going to get mad. She's going to say you're a coward and you're a pussy. And it's like, no, no, no, I'm not going to fucking stay here while you mentally fucking

torture me. Okay. You're doing what the fuck you want to do. You know, so that's good advice. Yeah, I'm doing what the fuck he needs to get out of there because she obviously is saying we're done. Yeah. And I think that she's leaning.

I mean, what I can't get, not the gay part of it. What I can't get past is that you're in a fucking relationship and she's going to start banging somebody else like, yeah, this is what the fuck I'm doing. If you were to say that, I'm going to start banging another woman. Is it okay if I get a girlfriend? I don't think she'd be cool with that. So, I mean, I don't know all the parameters of that, but like, you know, if you're with a woman, if she starts banging another woman or a man, then I don't know whether your relationship

is at that point. If she didn't invite you in, she's basically cheating on you to your face. Yeah. But just because you ask, is that, is that, I'm going to try that with my wife. Hey, is it all right if I get a girlfriend on the side? All right. Sex with my... She's doing very binary.

Yeah. Oh my God. What if I use binary? I say binary and then I just get my new girlfriend to dress like a dude on like a technicality. Does my wife owe me an apology if I bang the new chick? All right. Sex with my wife. So, I'm 36 years old and I've been with my wife since I was 19.

My wife is one year younger than me. Okay. So, she's 35. We have three children, 15, 10 and three. I mean, look at this guy. This guy's going to be a great grandfather. I'm jealous. We only have sex on average about twice a month.

Dude, that's amazing. If you have three fucking kids, you've been together that long. Yeah, this guy's doing great. He's killing it. He's killing it. It's been like this on and off since we had kids. I am at to the point now where I don't even make a move. I can't stand the rejection.

So, I'll do tough in the fuck up, man. You got to see the, you got to see the funny, the hilariousness in it. And then the patheticness when you just grab your laptop and go once and porn. Hey, welcome to the paternity. So, I just wait until she makes the move. But I get in a very bad mood after a week without sex. Oh, Jesus. The man has no hands?

Yeah, rub one out. If rub one out, go smoke a cigar. She will ask what's wrong. I just reply nothing. Well, that's your fault. You got to communicate. We have a very good relationship with the exception of sex. I get to a point where I'm actually thinking of leaving her over this,

but I love my shoulder. What should I do? All right. You're not going to leave. Here's the deal. You have to just, you got to tell her how important sex is. All right. And you got to tell her that you get in a bad mood.

She's not taking care of you on some level. But this is one of these things with these modern day women where it's just like, you know, if they're not getting what they need, they can tell you that you have to do all of these fucking things. But, you know, if you're like, I don't know. If you ask them to do anything that's considered, you know, taking care of you nowadays, like I wouldn't even bother with this conversation. Yeah, I know.

But, you know, as sad as a mediocre hand job can be, sometimes that's all you need. I would take that. I would take that the second. Maybe, you know, he doesn't have to be this full on extravagance. Maybe once or twice more a month, she could pop in the quick 10 minute handy, you know. I can't tell you though. You can't try to get her motor running though. Yeah.

Yeah. But, you know, sometimes women just want, okay, it's like, you know, it's like another chore. Like, I'll drink you off and go do something else. It's like, so they just need that other hand. No, it's, I gotta, I gotta be honest with you. It's, it's, it's, it really is fucking ridiculous. Like the amount of complaining women do the way a husband is treated, dude. Like I always say, like when you first meet your wife, you're like the starting quarterback

on the team. And by the time you get fucking married, you get treated like you're on the taxi squad. Like, like you never even won a championship ever. Well, that's exactly right. Before, like, before you have a kid, like you're Duke, you're the number one seed. Now my dog is like a seven seed. Now my dog, now my dog is like Wichita State. I'm in the NIT, dude.

Listen, I get, the kid comes first. That's what I'm talking about is like the, the way somewhere along the line, you just start looking to yourself like, when did I become the PA of this family? Like that's what, hey, Bill, go grab us some coffees. Yeah, I don't, I don't fucking, I, I, you know, that's, that's one of the, I gotta be honest with you, dude. All this bitch, modern and complaining that all these women are doing specifically white women, which is just inherently hilarious is, is I really just like, I don't, I don't,

I don't even know where to fucking begin on this one, because every fucking guy that I talked to who's married is really in the same situation. And I think it's why guys are so funny is because our situation is funny. It's like your, your, your status versus their complaining, you would think that they were living the way that we're living. It doesn't even, it's like you're living in like this alternate universe. Like sometimes you want to be like, wait, you're complaining? You're, you're tired?

Like, I don't know. I gotta say, I'm a terrible husband, but my wife doesn't really complain. My wife is not a complainer. She's, she's a, she's really not a complainer. Jesus. Well, there you go. But you know, but you're, you're a much better husband than me. So I'm sure my wife has her complaints.

No, no, I'm not even saying that my wife, we don't want to, I'm talking about my wife complaining. I'm talking about all this fucking complaining that is going on with women right now. And it's just like, like when, when they get fucking married for the most fucking, it's like, I'm trying to think of a guy that I know who's actually even remotely running his household. I just don't, I just don't see it. It's like what they want. And if they don't get what they want, then you're going to have to deal with their emotions

for three days. So you just like subconsciously, you just start giving into it. Okay. Which is how the thing works, which is fine. So I don't understand what all the fucking complaining is about, but evidently, evidently, because they only got the right to vote a hundred years ago, their lives are fucking horrific. Girl, do I get to bring up the potato famine? Girlfriend kissed another guy.

Oh, Jesus, here we go. Hey, binary broad. Hey, Billy Rednuts, I like how you want to use your new fucking. I know it's great, binary broad. I think that's a great one. I love it. No, but that isn't, she said she kissed another guy, so she wouldn't be bothered. Oh, I thought she said, I can't, I'm sorry.

I know you get that dyslexia. Yeah, and I blend them blind. Okay. Oh, the hate note. Yeah. Girlfriend kissed another guy. All right. Non-binary.

Oh, yeah. Oh, what is that? They're right on the fucking, we're right on the edge of society here. Yeah, you just know there's other letters at the end of the LPGA. And what is that one queer nation, genderqueer? All right. There's another one. Queer nation.

Genderqueer. All right. There's another one. Queer nation. I can never remember. They brought those sports to their side. I can never remember it. All right.

Just want to say I have a lot of respect for you. Thank you. Anyways, I'm a freshman in college and I live on the same hall as my girlfriend. The other night, a bunch of the people on our floor were drinking. We all got plastered. One thing leads to another and someone proposes the idea of spin the bottle. I'm not stoked on playing, but whatever, I guess. All right.

There's your first mistake. You didn't validate what you were feeling. Kissing a few dudes and some girls that I don't want to kiss is evidently how my night is going to go. Well, you have to kiss the guys? Yeah, that's all right. Every time, it's a different world out there, Joe. Every time it lands on me, I'm doing the tight-lipped shit as to not upset anyone

because that seemed like the right thing to do. Wait, so the guys kissed the guys too? This is crazy. My girlfriend, however, is straight up lip-locking, kissing dudes. No tongue or passion or anything, but still, I felt weird about it. Yeah. Later that night, she cried to me. Yeah.

So now you feel like the asshole and assured me that it didn't mean anything, but I just can't get the image of her kissing this other dude out of my head, nor should you. She would never cheat on me. I know that, so I'm probably just being a pussy. Any advice would be appreciated. Here's some advice. Don't play Spin the Bottle with the chick you have fucking feelings with,

with other guys that are in the room. It's like the worst game to spin the bottle ever. Hey, here's my girlfriend and some dudes. You're always going to come. You're always going to lose. You're always like, you're always going to hit the bottles, never going to win for you. So if you find the one hot chick you kind of like on that floor,

then your girlfriend's going to be pissed. Why would you play that game? All right. So here's the thing, dude. I can tell you this right now. If it was the other way around and she felt that she would have cried either way, and she would have felt upset about it and you, you would have had to validate her feelings on it.

Okay. But because now it's all about their fucking feelings here. I'm so fucking jaded, dude. It's going to be all about it. Fuck you, dude. This is what you feel. Let her cry all the fuck she wants. This is what you feel.

And if you can't get past it, fucking break up with her. But here's another thing too. You fucking, you fucked up in the beginning. Okay. And this is a life lessons. You were not cool with it and you didn't, but you seem like a shutdown dude. We just like, well, I'm just going to go along with this,

even though I don't like this. So now you turn around and away, you know something. Wait, I changed this because you acted like you were okay with it. And now you're not. And now you're judging her. So now actually, you know something, you fucked up here, sir. I'm just going to give it to you straight like a man. You didn't feel like you, you weren't comfortable with it

and you didn't fucking say anything. And then you sat back and you let her do shit you weren't comfortable with. And now you're giving grief over it. So now, you know something I actually validate her tears. Took me a minute. Took me a while, Joe. I had to get there.

I had to get there. I validate her tears and I will say this. She's a chick. You're dating on your floor. You're fresh from your college. Get over it. Move along. Don't put too much into her.

You got to live your whole life. Yeah. It's a bad thing anyway. The same floor. That's a bad situation anyway. You know, it's going to go bad. Enjoy the moment you had. Move along to sophomore year and try not to date someone on your floor.

Banger, but don't fucking date her. I mean, that's sage advice. Joe Bartnick, everybody. Rose Bowl, Tailgate legend. Absolutely crushed it over here in Europe. And we're going to go walk along the boardwalk here out in Israel. And they're the boardwalk. Down by the Mediterranean Sea.

Sorry, I can't sing. All right, go Bruins. Wrap it up tonight, I hope. That's it. And thank you to everybody, the bottom of my heart. Everybody who showed up. Ridiculous amount of people showed up on this tour over here. I want to thank them too.

And I mean, just as the opening act, you guys treated me fucking amazing. Everybody loved Europe. Everybody. Yeah, and we're going to finish strong tonight here in Tel Aviv. It's going to be sick. Thank you for the whole tour, man. Thank you.

And thank you to Kenny for treating me the best. Oh, he's the best. Kenny is the best. He's the prince. He's like the prince of Europe. That's right. All right, guys, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.

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