Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-7-12

Episode Date: May 7, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about fixing a blender, packs of whores with their clams out, and the Knicks playoff victory.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 7th, 2012. 2012, baby! What's going on? Do you guys have it? Why am I yelling? Why am I yelling? You know why? Because I got a good night's sleep and I just had some waffles, so I got that fucking sugar rush. Yeah, I made, oh, just slammed my computer. Gives a fuck. I can't figure out how to work it anyways. I had some waffles for breakfast. Now why did you just shut off your cunt? Oh, I see. Jesus, Bill, everything that technology does is not an attack on you. Why don't you just relax? Hang on, guys. I just need to talk to myself for a second, alright? Just fucking sit and think, figure out what happened. Stop

taking the bait. Alright, I'm back. Yeah, had some fucking waffles. I actually made them yesterday. I'm going to take you guys through my boring day. This sounds like the beginning of a Bruce Springsteen song, doesn't it? I made some waffles. It was overcast, but I was going to make them son of a shot up. Oh my God, how does he turn it around? The breakfast limericks from that guy. You know what? It's one of my goals to see him live in concert because I've been making fun of him forever, and half of my friends have been making fun of him, and then they go see him in concert, and they're like, dude, you got to go see that guy in concert, you know, with his class three underbite. He's got one

of those, I don't know, if he was a dog, he'd be one of those dogs with the mushed in faces. You know, he's got one of those boxer, the same dentition, like a boxer or like a pug. What the fuck, didn't pugs not breathe or something? I know they have the mushed in face, but like I always hear bulldogs have the worst time trying to breathe. But like pugs have the most look of panic on their face. Like when bulldogs can't breathe, they just said, oh, yeah, I'm just gonna fucking lay down here. They just seem like a tub of shit dog. Where like pugs like genuinely seem concerned about something. The way their eyes bug out or do they have like that high metabolism? You know, when you have something wrong with your thyroid, is that the

right word? Huh? Do I have any doctors that listen to this? Anyways, I made waffles yesterday and the lovely Nia is killing it. You know, she's working out. She's on this. I'm gonna be fucking even hotter chick diet, right? So she can't eat anything. All right, and you know, the ladies, okay, they got all that fucking hormonal shit going on every goddamn month, you know, stuff fucking, I don't know what, there's always something going on with them. You know, they're basically it's like living with an addict. When you live with the woman, you know, they always got some shit coming up, man, they always that same bullshit. So now you compound it with the fact now she's on some special diet. So she's basically detoxing from whatever fucking, you

know, how people eat, you know, we eat right, you get the sugar salt rush, you eat to your totally stuffed, you mentally think that's what eating is. So then when you actually eat the way you're supposed to, and your body isn't like freaking out like yeah, fucking Fritos, right, it's actually just chilling with some fucking broccoli, and some protein, you're not used to that. You know, you're used to go into some high energy shit. So anyways, I'm sitting there making the waffles, right? And you don't want those deals when your chick goes on a fucking diet, all of a sudden, you have to be on the diet too. You know, you're eating waffles. Are you just doing that? It's a torture me. No, I'm doing it because I like fucking waffles. I felt like having some

waffles. Oh, my God, I have to sit here. I have to eat one ton soup for breakfast. That ain't my fault. You know, I'm not on a diet. And then they do all that shit where they always try to make it seem it's easier to be a guy. Guys can lose weight. So it's easier. It's so much harder for a woman to buy. But wait, you fucking outlive us. Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough? I'm going to die before you do. Okay. What is your problem with the soup? Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. So anyways, that's what I'm fucking dealing with. And I actually had a major victory. Just one of those silent victories that you have in your relationship, you know, those are the best ones to have. You don't say anything and you see it in their face.

And you see that they realize it and then you see them wondering if you realize it and you kind of look back at them like I do realize it, but I'm not going to say it because then you'll be able to if I say it out loud, you'll somehow fucking do some sort of two point reversal and bring up some other shit and then I'll lose. You know, I'll just fucking shoot that look right back at you like that's right woman. I won this one. Okay, you're gonna have to wait for another fight because this one is over. This fucking Michael Corleone only says in the Godfather to over. Um, I gotta I gotta steal that at some point. I want to be in an argument with Mia. I can't be a real one because she'll get mad. I'm just going to do it over something stupid.

Like she wants to go see this cabin in the woods fucking movie, whatever the hell it is. It's supposed to be a perfect movie. What does that mean the guy gives into the woman? Oh, Jesus. Am I in a fucking mood? Can I blame it on the syrup here, people? It was the syrup out in Jersey. I can't say out in Jersey. That's Anthony's impression of him. I owe him fucking 50 cents right there. Some residuals. Um, Anthony Kumiya, everybody from the open Anthony program with little Jimmy Norton on XM satellite radio, a little promo. The fuck was I just talking about God damn it. Blamed it on the syrup. Ah, shit. That thought's gone. Oh, I know. I had this minor victory at this minor victory.

Right. I'm on the road on the road again. Right. Doing my dick jokes on the road again. I don't give a fuck about you or your friend by my DVD and get the fuck out of my face. Um, I should have fucking waffles. You know what? This whole podcast is going to die in like fucking 12 minutes and I'm just going to sugar crash. I'm going to be laying on the rug like that fucking dude in train spotting. But instead of like falling into it, I'm just going to nod off like a fucking like a goddamn dog with a mushed in face. Oh, we brought it around. What's the deal? Um, so anyways, yeah, here was the victory I had. So I was on the road doing my jokes. I come back to town. All right. And, uh, and as always, somehow when I was away,

something got broken and nobody knows as any fucking idea. It's like my car. I don't know what happens when I take it out. Nobody ever really hits it. Somehow when Nia takes it out, somebody always hits it. And then I go out and she doesn't say shit. I go out to use the car and I see some side swipe down the fucking side of the car and I just go, I come in, I go, Nia, somebody hit the car and then she's always like, what? When did that happen? How many times can I fall for that? Do people just not like you when you drive the car? That, what am I talking about? Somebody tagged it a fucking month ago when I went over Chris Porter's. Somebody fucking tagged my car. Um, but anyway, so I come back and once again, something's broken.

The blender, the blender was busted. You know, the engine worked, but the little fucking teeth things were broken. So she's just like, we need a new blender. I can't make my skinny girl margaritas anymore because the teeth don't work. So let's throw the, but the fucking motor works. So I go, little one, we just get it fixed. And she's like, cause she knows what that means. Why don't we get it fixed? That means it's going to sit there for three years before I finally bring it over to a repair shop. All right, but not, not now, not old, new fix it. Billy. I said, you know what? I'm going to figure out how to fucking fix that goddamn thing. All I did, you know what it was? All I just wanted, all you have to do is just look up the, the fucking, you get the, I know this is

basic to some people, but for a lot of morons, and there's a lot that listen to this podcast, by the way. No offense, none taken. All you do is just whatever the brand and then the serial number, you go on the internet and you can, you just buy the part. So I buy the fucking part thing shows up. I do all this shit without talking to Nia, right? And I fucking, I go to take this thing apart, turn it upside down and fucking pulling, trying to pull the motor on and won't come out because that thing on the top and I'm like, what the fuck? And then it's going YouTube. And I found a video of a guy doing, fixing the exact problem I had. I didn't need to unscrew the bottom. All I need to do was just fucking get a screwdriver and take the thing off the top, which how it doesn't strip

the top. I have no fucking idea. We don't care, Bill. Get to the point. All right. Long story short, I get this fucking thing on. It works. So what do I do? Do I get in her face and say, yeah, woman, I fucking fix that shit? I don't. I don't. I fix it, make sure it runs. I try it out. And then I just stick it in the cupboard, you know, and a couple of days later, I go, Hey, you know what? I think I'd like a milkshake. Well, how are you going to do that? The blender doesn't work. Oh, I fixed it. You fixed. Yeah, I fixed it. That was no big deal. Took it apart. I got fucking fixed myself. There you go, woman. All right, with your hole, we need to fucking go buy another one. You know, I realized that wasn't really a major victory. Even though like when you just,

in your head, you're like, yeah, I fucking dominated. Then I just said that out loud. That was really no big deal. It's a seven. This is how much I wanted to fix it. It was a $7 part and I had it overnighted for like fucking 16 bucks. So, you know, and I didn't even want a milkshake. I just wanted to show that I did something. I don't know why. Why? Because I'm a weak person and I need other people's approval there. Does that make you happy? Does that make you feel? Does that make you smile in your fucking cubicle? Huh? Is that what you're doing? When you're in a cubicle and you're smiling, if I was your boss, I would immediately think that you're somehow stealing from the company because there's no reason to smile on a computer in a cubicle in a computer

in a cubicle. There's no fucking reason. All right. Unless you somehow figured out a way to be happy. You know, some sort of one of those zen douchebags. Why are they a douchebag, Bill? Because they're happy. You know, what happened to you? All right, what the fuck am I going to talk about? I was going to do, oh, I know what we have to talk about, everybody. This is very special. Guess what it is this Sunday? It's Mother's Day. Mother's Day. Your mom. The one that did most of the heavy lifting as far as bringing you into the world. Your dad was like the Steve Jobs, you know? Yay, I want this to happen. Get on it, scientists, right? So he had a partner too, you know, although they never bring that up on the view, do they?

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before the deal is gone. All right. Before the deal is gone. And then all you got to do is you then you that stuff shows up and then you take it out to breakfast. You give her a big hug. You apologize for your DUI. You don't tell her she's the best. And that's it. You got another year of unconditional love. Thanks to the wonderful people at proflowers.com. I challenge you to find a better read. All right. Moving on here. Moving on. What the hell am I going to talk about? Oh, you know, I went I went to a bar last night. Oh, yesterday afternoon because the games come on early because I finally accepted the fact emotionally that my Boston Bruins have been knocked out of these Stanley Cup playoffs. And I've actually you guys know my hatred of NBA

basketball. You know, I don't hate it. I don't hate it. I just that final three minutes. It drives me nuts with all the timeouts and I know I brought it up before. And you know what's even worse is when they call the timeouts I noticed yesterday because I watched the game is then they start reading copy, you know, like anything they can do to just bring the drama all the way back down to zero. It's like tied fucking 98 98. Oh, they got they got 28 files to give and then they follow and so on. So calls the timeout. And then next thing you know, they're sitting there reading, you know, like what I just did broflowers.com gets your mother some fucking, you know, that's stupid. I don't know. So anyways, I've accepted the fact that the Bruins are out of the playoffs and I'm

all right. Well, the bees are out, dude. Why don't we go watch the fucking seas kid? You know what I'm saying? So Celtics were playing the Atlanta Hawks who used to be the St. Louis Hawks and we beat them in 1958, I believe for their NBA title. That's right, St. Louis. We owned your ass in a sport you don't even know about anymore. Back when Eisenhower was in office. So I watched that game and it was just a phenomenal playoff game as far as like being a fan because it was over before it even started. You know, it was over. And there was never a concern they were up by 30 points and I sat there drinking beer and eating wings becoming fucking old fat boy Billy again, Billy fat again, that's my Irish name. So so I'm sitting there right with the buddy mind right watching the game

we're having a great time right like the fourth quarter. These four girls four or five girls come in and it's a dive bar, you know, I like the dive bars, you can get to a place to sit, you know, it's just one of those deals. Somebody has one of those fucking what's Nick Nolte's character in 48 hours, you know, there was there's always one of those cars parked out front some fucking piece of shit rag top with some sad dog in the backseat, right? I like those bars, you know, the barfly car, right? So I walk in there, we're watching the game and fucking with like, I don't know, five minutes to go in the game. So what's that like two hours NBA time? These like five, six chicks come in and they're just like, they're just train wrecks,

all of them wearing pants where you can just see their clams, you know, ridiculously tight pants and other girls got these cut offs with this her hat turned sideways, looking like she's in some fucking fresh Prince video in the late 80s. It's just they were just absolute messes. And they start putting money into the jukebox. And they just start singing along, they start to sing along to video killed the radio star. Right. And then they just start, you know, and then there's all these fucking old guys barfly fucking jackoffs like my age and a little bit older, like way too fucking old for these chicks. Right. And these girls are being like really fucking loud. And they're fucking dancing with each other and they're grabbing each other's asses doing all this shit.

And you see these guys up at the bar, they're like, oh, they start like reacting to this sex fucking energy that they're putting out there. So two of the girls stand up, they start that's what a god dude, it was like the fucking accused, like times five was going down the whole vibe was fucking ridiculous. So the two girls stand up, they start like dancing, grinding up against each other. And then one of the guys eventually, like some big fucking sex star bear starts walking over and starts pawing at the girl. And then the girl's like, Hey, knock it off, get the fuck out of here. Right. And my buddy classic looks at me and goes, she facilitated that entire fucking thing. And it's like, exactly. Fuck, it was, I don't know if they were strippers. I don't know what

the fucking deal was. But it was just one of that thing that I've always said, we got to have responsibility for your own fucking safety. Obviously, that guy shouldn't just feel that he should be able to walk over and start pawing at some girl. But you know, when you're sitting there with your clam fucking outlined on the front of your fucking jeans, and you're grinding up against your friend, and you're pulling her jacket off, and she's going, stop it, stop it. And you keep pulling it off. I mean, what the fuck do you think's going to happen? You know, I fuck, you know, there's nothing worse than when people act like the world is a perfect place. And then they act shocked when something bad happens. It isn't. Okay, there's the way you wish

the world was and the way it is. So fucking act accordingly. You don't go in there with your fucking hoo ha hanging out and start grinding up on your friend in front of fucking five drunk guys who women haven't done a double take at since the fucking I don't know, Fernando Valenzuela struck out the side. Okay, I'm saying it was just it was a really fucking uncomfortable vibe. And I literally looked at my friend, I go look, we don't get out of here in three minutes, we're going to be testifying in about fucking six weeks for whatever bullshit's about ready to go down. And you know what kills me is no one at the bar stopped them from doing what they were doing. You know, I was trying to think what the fucking male version of what they were doing

would be I guess it would be like acting aggressive and almost causing like a fight vibe. All right, but you know, then you get tossed out, but women could can create the accused vibe. And I don't know, I'm probably gonna get shit for this. But like, you know, I'm not advocating what that guy did that what guy did was fucking wrong. But Jesus fucking Christ. What did your dad do? Did he buy like Fisher price how to be a whore? Did they make like a remember those little fucking stereos they made? Did they make like a fucking the whore version of that? I don't know. I'm at that age, people. I'm at that age, where I look at women like that. And I don't go like, Well, there's an easy mark. I now look at them going

like Jesus Christ. What a fuck was your dad? What didn't he do? But anyways, but what was actually funny was for some, this is how drunk they were, as they were grinding on each other and fucking pulling up each other's dresses and doing all this shit the fucking for whatever reason. I don't know where they just started singing the star spangled banner. And then the guys at the bar joined in. And I have video of it. I'm going to send it to my guy and hopefully we'll get it up on the site. I got it like halfway through. They sang the whole fucking song. And what was funny was that whole fucking is somebody going to get rape vibe went out the window, both sides for like a good three minutes were in harmony with some sort of support

the troops vibe, just out of fucking nowhere. And I this is the funny thing about it. This was probably like seven in the evening. This is how fucking wasted everybody was. All right, plowing ahead here. Oh, whatever women, what do you think about that? Am I being the fucking caveman there? I'm not advocating that that I'm saying that those guys are they did was right. But like you can't. That's like, it's like me, like I always said this, that's like me walking through Central Park at like three in the morning, dressed like Liberace singing, I'm in the money. I'm in the money. I got a lot of fucking cash in my back pocket, right. And then someone comes up, smashes me over the head. I get a concussion. I got a fucking, my cheekbones fucked up.

You know, they take my wallet, you know, and all that shit. Is it wrong? Yes, do you feel bad for me? Yes, but what the fuck was I thinking? You know, why don't you just fucking give yourself a bunch of paper cuts and jump jump and shark infested water and then fucking go and then it bit my leg off. You're an asshole. That's bad. That's that's my side of it. All right, relationship advice, follow up success story, dearest, dearest billion. You may or may not remember a couple months ago, I emailed you about some relationship advice to recap 22 years old, been with my girlfriend for seven years. Most of it long distant, smallish things that happened from time to time, which made me doubt I could trust her. I gave the example of the strip poker

thing she lied about and the business trip where she said a coworker tried to kiss her. Oh yeah, I got to be honest with you, dude, I get a lot of emails like that. So and I've been that guy, I was that guy when I was 23. Anyways, he goes, you sent me a very clear message. Pull the rip cord. I'm just writing to let you know that I did take your advice. And although it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do was 100% the right call. So thank you for giving me the extra nudge I needed. Hopefully in the future, I can be a fucking man about these things and you just do what needs to be done through most of the relationship fall out now. I did have to tell her to get fucked when she kept wanting to get back together. She didn't seem to understand that all

of the reason we broke up would still be there bottom line. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Thanks, man. Oh, yeah. Well, there you go. And that's the hardest thing too, is when they're coming back to you. Because as you're thinking as your brain up top is going, this is wrong, you're out, stay out, your dick is going free pussy. Get your free pussy. Step right up. Who wants to free pussy? All right, that's what your dick saying. So you have to override that. And I gotta be honest with you, the only reason why she was getting back with you was just to get with you till she was mentally prepared to walk away from you. So she could pull the ripcord and that's the worst. So you avoided all that. So now this is what you do, son.

Go out and have a good time and don't get involved with anybody that you don't feel you're gonna marry. All right, is this the mother of my kids? All right, go fuck yourself. And that's how you do it until you meet the one that is. And then that's the one that's the one you give your heart to. But other than that, fuck all of them. Fuck them. All right, I don't mean that misogynistic way, but just, you know, when you're fucking, you know, two, three dates in and it doesn't feel fucking weird, you know, it doesn't feel right. I mean, it's still feeling weird. You know, at that point, all she has at your place is maybe a scrunchie or some sort of fucking toiletry. You just get out. Done. Here you go. Beat it.

And you don't have to be mean. You just be honest. Just say, listen, I really like you. You're a nice person. I just don't see this long term. So rather than waste your time and my time and us both getting really hurt, we'll just just leave right now. I believe this is yours. Um, all right, good for you, sir. Good for you. All right, here we go. Pissed off Bay Area fan who mice, who's also might be cops. What? All right, thanks for canceling the Sunday show in San Jose, you ginger fuck. Oh yeah, I'm doing San Jose coming up and I had to, I can't do the Sunday show. I had to cancel that one. So evidently, this guy says at least 10 of us bought tickets to the show and as a boozy and had a boozy work night, night out planned around it.

To say we were looking forward to it would be an understatement. We are not some random group of amateurs either. We are dedicated fans, faithful podcast listeners. We came out to see you last time you were in San Jose and we even stood in line to meet you by, by the DVDs and by the DVDs, man. Some of us were even women. Uh, not only that, we actually, we've actually been polarized polarizing on behalf, on your behalf and one use several, several new fans who also bought tickets to the Sunday show. One guy's bitch wife only allows him out one night per year and this was going to be his 2012 outing. Jesus Christ, dude, you're killing me. We've told him you're a standup guy. How do we tell him you've thrown us over and are scurrying out to Chicago

to suck up to Vince Vaughn douche move, Mr. Burr douche move. Hey, what about the other two nights I'm going there? First of all, stop acting like San Jose is like some blue chip fucking city. All right. San Jose only can look down to Bakersfield. You look an eye to eye at Sacramento. All right. You're both the chicks with the good personalities. All right. But we all know the hottie is San Francisco. Okay. Listen, I apologize. It's something I have to do. It'll make sense in a few months. It'll make sense in a couple of months why I had to do what the fuck I'm doing. I don't talk about the shit that I that I'm doing, because most of it doesn't get picked up. It gets swatted back down to the ground. So why fucking bring up? Oh, hey,

I just did this. And allegedly, it has the opportunity to do that and then nothing happens. And then it's bad enough. It doesn't happen. Then you have to deal with people going, Hey, whatever happened to that thing? Oh, it's it's failed. It crashed and burned. So I yeah, I have to go to Chicago. It's a fucking loyalty thing. All right. You think I wouldn't like to spend another fucking night in San Jose? I love San Jose. I don't like the shacks. I don't like your hockey team. I respect your fans though. You got great fans up there. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Julie, Jim, Dave, Mikey, Joey, Joey's girlfriend, Rico, Bill, and several others. All right, you fucking babies. And he goes, No, we can't. Oh,

PS. No, we can't just come Friday, Saturday shows instead, because we work those nights. We're in a local law enforcement. Oh, shit, they have guns. Yeah, my fault. I'll make it up to you. And I'll see you at the policeman's ball. There's no way we can get the night off Saturday. Sunday night was it, man. All right. All right, I fucked you over. What do you think? I'm not coming back. Ah, shit. You know what? You're good. You got me with the guilt. You did. You got me with the guilt. Hey, how about those LA Kings, everybody? Is anybody else watching of the fucking playoffs? The LA Kings for the first time since the Gretzky era. And as far as I know,

I didn't look this up. I think only the second time in their history, they've made it to the Western Conference Finals. At least as far as when I've been paying attention. I don't ever remember them there back when they had those yellow and purple Laker jerseys on. I don't know. And the Cunty devils keep beating the Flyers. I thought the Flyers, I'm not saying it's over. God knows it's not over when it's the fucking Flyers. They came back down 03 against my Bruins. But the devils are just so fucking cunty. You know what I mean? And I mean that with all due respect. I hate it when they played the trap and all that type of shit, but

sons of bitches, man, they play very, they play like that disciplined hockey. Wait, disciplined. All right, let's plow ahead here. What do we got? What do we got next? All right, Bill, is it racist, racist, racist? A Mushnick edition. What is this, man? Fuck a Mushnick. It's a Murdoch owned paper. Enough said. What is Mushnick? What the fuck? What is this throwback? Is it racist? Mushnick edition? I have no idea what this means. It says as long as the Nets are allowing Jay-Z to call their marketing shots,

what a shock that he chose black and white as the new team colors to stress as the Nets explained their new urban home. Why not have him apply the full Jay-Z treatment? Why the Brooklyn Nets when they they can be the New York N words? What the fuck is this? The cheerleaders should be the Brooklyn bitches or hose team logo at nine millimeter. What the fuck is this? Oh, this is Phil Mushnick. Oh, Phil Mushnick wrote this. Oh, okay. Phil Mushnick is this guy who's just, he's never in a good mood. He could be getting a two on one on a sunny day in the middle of winter and he would still find a reason to

complain about stuff. And that's funny coming from me because I'm one of the biggest cunts there ever was. All right, Phil Mushnick. This is what he wrote about Jay-Z owning the Nets in Brooklyn. Okay, now I get it. He says, as long as the Nets are allowing Jay-Z to call their marketing shots, well, why shouldn't they? It's America. He had the money, he bought the team. What a shock that he chose black and white as the new team logos to stress as the Nets explained their new urban home. Why not have him apply the full Jay-Z treatment? Why the Brooklyn Nets when they could be the New York, New York N words? The cheerleaders could be the Brooklyn bitches or hoes team logo a nine millimeter with hollow tip shell casing strewn beneath.

Want to be Jay-Z hip then go all the way. Ah, Jesus. That's just stupid. Well, isn't black and white? Isn't that inclusive? Like there's only black and white people in Brooklyn, but I'm just saying, you know, why are you saying nine millimeters? There's a whole acidic population. There's the growing up gaudy. Oh, population out there. Brooklyn is. Oh, Phil, I think he is. He just anyways, he says, Bill, is this racist? There's this Asian girl that I work with who has a bit of an eye condition that is slow. Oh, this is a whole different thing. I love this guy was tying that in. I'm sorry. I'm just a fucking idiot right now. I told you the syrup it's was wearing off the sugar rush or whatever is fucking wearing down here.

Yeah, why did he do that? Is he trying to be the next? Who's that guy with the cowboy hat? Yeah, that guy. He's mad that their colors are black and white. What is wrong with black and white? It's not like the Nets had a classic uniform. I thought their uniform was hideous. They had that gray with the red and the white was awful. I think it's cool that there's a team in Brooklyn. Oh, Phil Mushnick. Why don't you go get yourself a Sunday? You miserable bastard. All right, coming from me. All right, Bill, is this racist? There's this Asian girl that I work with who has a bit of an eye condition that is slightly but definitely noticeable. She's not

cross-eyed. She's not cross-eyed, but something is definitely a skew. You can tell she's looking at you, but one eye kind of drifts off into no man's land. Yeah, lazy eye. Now, normally googly eyes would be a pretty big turnoff, right? But she almost seems more alluring because of it. This had me wondering if Asian women can pull off this look better than other nationalities. A mainstream example of this would be Lucy Liu. She had set an eye thing going on, albeit a slight thing, but she's revered as a hottie. Compare that to a Caucasian Bobby Betsia, the CNN anchor that Nancy Walls did an impression of, or African-American Stuart Scott. A lesser example considering he's a male. Is it racist of me to believe Asian may have the edge when it comes to public

overlooking their lazy eyes? If so, do you think it's due to their eyes being almost thus detracting from the wonkiness? Oh, Jesus. Dude, I think you just think this girl is hot, you know, and you'd rather bang her than Stuart Scott. I think it's really that simple. I don't know who half those other people are. I don't watch CNN or Fox News. I find it, I don't know. I just find both those. They're totally slanted in opposite directions, so I never watched that shit. And Stuart Scott is battling for his life, I believe. So I don't know, dude, I think you just want to fucking, I think you just, I just think you want to bang this girl. I think that's why you, I think you like Asian chicks, regardless of whether their eyes are

looking at you or not looking at you, you, you like them. So you know what I say, sir? I say go for it. You know, go get yourself a beautiful girl. You know, it's great. She could, ah, because I was going to do an easy joke there. I'm not doing it. All right. Okay, here we go. Bill, want to bang lesbian friend who is in lesbian remission? Jesus. Okay, this is outside my realm, but I'll try and answer it. Hey, Bill, I want your opinion on this problem I have. I'm a 19-year-old college freshman and I'm in a bit of an ethical dilemma. I have this friend who is a lesbian and recently she has been, she hasn't been having any luck with the ladies. So now she's feeling vulnerable to the point that she's actually contemplating about fucking this guy she knows.

After she tells me this, I start getting jealous because I've always had sexual feelings for her, but never acted on them because she's a lesbian and I respected her. Dude, what kind of a fucking asshole are you? You know, why are you hanging out with her? Are you just waiting for daylight? What, what are you doing? She's a lesbian. She doesn't want to fuck you. You're sitting at a, at a, it's a dried up well. It's over. Walk away. What else is there? Well, I guess she's a lesbian. Maybe she's into some, I don't know, does she fix cars like you? I have no idea what that's Is there anything worse than a guy just hovering around, you know, rather than going out and just like, I don't know what you're waiting for. Just plenty of fish in the sea in 19. Well,

you know what? I'm being too hard on you. You're 19 years old. You have no idea. Hello, Cleo. Hey, Nia, can you help me out with this one? Oh, you got to go real quick. You got to go. This guy's trying to bang this lesbian girl who's in lesbian remission. I mean, she hasn't, she's wanted to like hook up with some other ladies, but they're not giving it to her. So she's actually been contemplating fucking this other guy. So now this dude's jealous because he's always been hanging around her. That conversation we had earlier, that's why guys guys hang around women, either the gay guy or they're trying to fuck you. There's really no other All right, I wish you could hang here. All right, go have fun.

All right. That's nice though. Your fans thought that you were coming on and now you're not. You're leaving them wanting more. You're leaving them wanting more. Can we do this real quick? Okay, so I told you what's going on. Cleo, get out of here. Anyways, but now that she's in the mood to going back to fucking dudes, some other douche is feeling her up even before I knew what was happening. So this other guy got in there. He goes, I don't want to make her my girlfriend. We both made it very clear neither us are good at being in relationships because we're both selfish people. I do not want, however, I do want to fuck her once and I tried asking my cousin for his point of view on the

situation, but he recently found Jesus. Oh, so the only answer to give he gives me is read the Bible or premarital sex is a sin. What do you think? Should I sleep with her before she fucks this guy and realize she doesn't like men and ruin any chance I have? Wait, should I try? Oh, should I try to sleep with her before this guy fucks her and she realizes she doesn't like men and ruin any chance I have? Or should I just go just be the friend and do nothing? Thanks. Are there no other women around for you to fuck that you're just completely singularly focused on and obsessed with this girl who's a lesbian? That's exactly what I said. Why are you hovering around her? That's what I want. Is it because you can't have her or like it's it's a it's a chase

thing or it's a struggle that he's like, you know what it is? I bet they're the same the same height and they can borrow each other's clothes. I was wondering, were you going to wear that flannel tonight because I feel like getting involved sexually with anyone who's having like going back and forth with their sexuality and figuring out is probably not a good idea. Just because there's probably a lot of emotional shit going on along with that that she may not talk about and you may not be aware of. I would just leave it alone. Yeah, why don't you just go talk to a girl that wants to bang a guy? Why don't you make it a lot easier on yourself? Hey, how do I turn this bus into a bicycle? I've always wanted this bus to be a bicycle and now it's men like the chase though,

right? No, we like a layup. We like a layup. What? I thought men are all about the chase and make it difficult and all that. No, that's what you guys are into. You guys are into just making it difficult. We want you guys just to fucking just climb. Stop acting like it doesn't feel good for you too, you know? No, you know what it is that there is as far as like a good feeling is when a woman is making it difficult and you tear through all that bullshit and you're able to make her succumb. You're rolling your eyes in the air, right? You've experienced that, haven't you? Well, yeah, this is the speech that you give before you tell people like, Oh, you will you will making it difficult and that dude was cocklocking me and I fucking to I that that that right there

is like remember that year when Tom Hanks went back to back Oscars? Yeah, he's still a great actor. But you know, was that ever going to happen again? That's that's my that's my sexual conquest. The night I brought you down, you didn't bring brought you down like a fucking Will the Beast on the Serengeti from before. You didn't have to look and see what they do. They just take it away. Cleo, come on. Well, all right. Well, that's my that's my two cents. Okay. So I'm gonna go now. Okay. All right, I'll see you have fun. All right, the fucking female Robo Cup. Fucking working out like a maniac. I'm over here, becoming a tub of shit. That's right. All right, I'll see you later. So there you go, sir. This is what I think you

should do. I we basically both of us, you got to stop hanging out with these girls that why are you doing that? You know, I know why you're doing it. I know why you're doing it because you can be like, dude, my dick is so intoxicating. Even chicks who don't like dick can't say no to my dick. All right, let's read some advertising. Shall we people? Let's get on with it. Where the hell is it here? Oh, Christ. Where are we? Where are we? Okay, here we go. Here we go. The usual stamps.com. Everybody. We've done this one before. This is what this is. This is the runaway advertising hit on the podcast here. Everybody's getting into it. And by the way, you know, I heard I heard her story. Nia always listens to NPA. She always

listens to that. All things considered. Today, we're going to talk about how strawberries are made. The strawberry doesn't everybody enjoy the strawberry? Oh, Jesus, NPR. Good Lord. It's a fucking borefest, right? She always has it on. So I fucking sit there and I listen to it, you know, and but they were talking about the post office and how it's bankrupt and how they're going to be change. They're going to be closing a bunch of them soon. And at least this is what they were saying, unless they're super busy, they're going to be closing them. So why don't you get the jump? Okay, get the jump and go to stamps.com and bring the post office into your home, your apartment, or your cardboard box on the sidewalk, wherever you live in, you can bring the post office into

your dwelling. All right, they're going to start closing them soon. You know, you want to be standing outside there like that poor son of a bitch who put all his money in the bank. And when the bank fails, he's standing out there with his little, his little, his little card with the number on it. But did you said it was in there? You don't want to be that guy. Get the jump. Post offices are closing. The sky is falling. I'm using fear this week. All right, go to stamps.com, everybody. What the hell is the copy is attached? I thought I knew this one by heart. Oh, for Christ's sake, I know what it is. You go to stamps.com. This is the great thing. You're able to print legal stamps with your own your home computer and your printer. Whoever you need,

you just bang bang boom, you do it, you do it, whatever hour of the day, they give you a little scale. You know, so if you want to go, I don't know, it's Mother's Day coming up and you bought something and you want to ship it out to your mom. You know, you just put it in a box, put it on your scale, you weigh it, bang bang boom, you're done. Put it out of the mailbox, postman comes the next day, picks it up. You don't even have to leave your dang house. All right, if you act now, buy listeners, get a free $110 worth of stamps and you just go to stamps.com. You click on the microphone with the code, uh, b, u, r, r, burr. Um, I'm telling you, this guy, um, this is actually is now, uh, more viable than ever, considering they're actually closing, uh, the post offices,

the offices where they post. Um, and that's it. Gamefly, Gamefly.com is another one. You know what I noticed yesterday when I was watching the NBA, they did pro flowers and they did Gamefly.com and I was thinking, you know what, the NBA, they're listening to my podcast, they're ripping me off, they have the same advertisers. Um, Gamefly, uh, let's see, keep it short this week. This is up to you if you want to do this anymore or not. Uh, what are you talking about? Why wouldn't I want to keep doing this? I love Gamefly.com. You get 8,000 video games at your fingertips. I guess that was an inside note. Like I wasn't supposed to read that Gamefly.com. Everybody, do you like video games? Sure, we all do. I would like to have 8,000 video games at your fingertips.

They can either be delivered right to your game, right to your house, or you can download them right on your own damn PC. You get a 15 day free trial, 15 days. You can stay at home, use all your sick days, your vacation days, play video games, go to Gamefly.com, Gamefly.com slash burr and you'll have access to all of those. There you go. How was that? Are those reads all right? Um, hey, remember the last few weeks I've been telling you guys how I've been trying to get into learning how shit works and science and all that because I have such a poor science background. I have a YouTube video of the week and it basically, it explains, um, how a differential works on your truck or your car. And it actually fucking blew my mind. Now, the weird thing about

this video is for some reason, the first like six minutes of it, you have to sit through, uh, policemen on motorcycles doing all these different formations and these X game tricks. It's, uh, from like the 1940s. So it has that World War Two propaganda, you know, and, uh, you know, they're holding on to each other's arms. They're standing up, riding around this whole little fucking Hitler youth sort of beginning thing. It's really weird. I guess at one point when they're going around, they're trying to show the principles of a car going around the corner in the differential, but it's fucking amazing. Um, and I know a lot of you guys like, Bill, I don't give a fuck. I don't want to learn how to fix my car. And you know what

I say? Yes, you do. The back of your head. There's no way when you bring your car down to the dealership and you know, it's something simple, but you just never read up on it. There's no way you don't feel like a bitch when you're sitting there. You know, I'm telling you, I, you know, I didn't realize about the differential. I didn't realize that, uh, it also allows, I know it took all the torque from the engine and made it go 90 degrees, but I didn't realize it gave you back tires, the ability to turn independently. That's what blew my mind because it never dawned on me that when you go around the corner, the inside tire has to go like way, a way shorter distance than the outside tire. So if they're both turning at the same time,

one of them would be sliding. I don't know which one, but so I guess that makes sense. But for them to figure out a gear as to how to get those things to turn independently, it's just, it's fucking, it just, you just got to watch it. All right. And if you watch it, you're going to be like me and you're going to get fucking obsessed with it and you're going to buy the owner's manual to your fucking car that is about a thousand pages thick. And you're going to finally like, I've actually looking at like explosion drawings of like transmissions and my whole life, I had no idea what a fucking transmission look like. Is this boring the shit out of all of you? Well, fuck you. Can I learn something? Do I got to be the sports

talking moron for the rest of my fucking life? Hey, how about those New York Knicks everybody? How about those Knicks? They finally won a playoff game. Congratulations to all New York Knicks fans. Unless you like the Yankees, then you can go fuck yourselves. Ended a 13 game in a row playoff game losing streak. I want to know what do you guys think? When will that ever get beaten? That's going to, that one's going to stand for a while. I was actually trying to do the math on that in order to duplicate that best case scenario, you only get swept two years in a row or two playoff trips in a row. Like best case scenario would be you were up three games to none one year and then you lost four

in a row. So you didn't get swept and there's four losses, then you get swept two more times in a row. That's 12 and then you lose the first game and the next one. That's the best case scenario. The fucking Knicks lost some playoff series when Van Gundy was still there. They lost two, the last two games. So that was their first two lost. Then they got swept. That's six. They got swept again. That's 10. Then they lost the first three of this one. That's 13. I swear to God, if they lost yesterday, that 14, the only way somebody could beat that, you have to get swept three times in a fucking row. That's practically impossible. And this is what kills me is Paul Verzi, old Jersey Verzi, new Jersey zone, the pride of fucking Red Bank. He fucking, we got in this

huge fucking debate. He fucking annoys this shit out of me with his praise of Madison Square Garden. Like he feels like, like this venue, like that is the most overrated fucking venue. I think in professional sports, because it gets so much fucking clout because it's in New York City, the Paris of the United States. And just because it's fucking there that everybody seems to forget the incredible lack of championships that have been won there. Okay, the fucking New York Rangers have won one Stanley Cup since 1940. That's 72 fucking years. There's been one championship one there. The New York Knicks haven't won since fucking Nixon resigned. 40 fucking years. All right. And this dude is telling me, he's always talking about how Jordan said that was his favorite place

to play. And this is how the fight started. He told me that fucking the garden during Game Three was the loudest NBA game he's ever heard. And I'm like, really, do you really think that it was louder than the Boston Garden or the LA Forum? When the Lakers and Celtics were playing a game seven, do you really think it was louder game three, Nick's versus the heat and you're down fucking O two? Do you really think the venue was fucking louder? I mean, what are you based and he goes, dude, this isn't about championships. I'm like, it's not I'm not saying it's about championships. But we weren't playing for championships, you're going to be even amped up even more. And he just keeps saying how they use that stupid fucking expression that Madison

Square Garden, it's a Mecca. It's a Mecca for basketball. And it's what people don't understand. I don't do you understand what Mecca just means people from around the world gather there to gathering place. It's like if Madison Square Garden was in a mall, it would be a food court. People gather from all over the mall. Some people came there to buy a dress. Other people came there to buy a slack, buy some slacks, but they all gather in the food court to eat that shitty food. And yes, it is a basketball Mecca. People gather from around the globe to kick the next fucking ass every year if they make the goddamn playoffs. All right. And just fucking annoys the shit out of me because I give it up to the Yankees forum like that that's that's the top

team in baseball. It's not even close 27 championships, right? And he's going to fucking sit there. And he's going to try and talk about Madison Square Garden like this is the crown jewel of the fucking NBA and completely disregard the Celtics and Lakers who combined have won 32 NBA championships, putz the Lakers BBA championship that they count as an NBA championship for 33 and you're sitting on fucking two. All right. I gotta be honest. As an outsider, when I think of Madison Square Garden, I think of Muhammad Ali. I think of Led Zeppelin. Mac Messier. Occasionally, I'll think of Bernard King. Frank Sinatra. Bruce Spring, you know, Rolling Stones. I think more music. I don't think sports because nothing

really fucking memorable. What is what has ever happened there? I don't understand what has happened that the Bruins went into the stands and somebody got beaten with a loafer. Mike Milbury, right? Not to rat him out, but I mean, it's on video, Mike. I mean, just don't understand. Like it just, I just tried to tell him, I'm like, dude, it's not louder. It's not louder. You think it was louder than when the Celtics finally won another fucking championship after their drought of like whatever what it was 22 years. Do you really think it was louder than that? I was trying to explain to him, it just seems loud to you because you're a Knicks fan. You know, it's like that dude who was into the Asian women and he's gone out. Do they

play off the lazy? You just, you like Asian women. It's the same fucking thing. All right. So just in case there's some more Verzies out there. Okay. You have a nice little venue down there. It was made during the cookie cutter time. Some of the worst fucking venues ever. The ceiling is ugly and there's an unbelievable, I've done this joke before. I always talk about the breeze and Madison Square Garden. There's an unbelievable breeze up in the rafters because there's no championship banners to block the air conditioning. So anyways, having said that, congratulations to the Knicks. If the Knicks ever went on a run and were a championship team, even then the best that they could hope to do is duplicate what the Bulls did with Jordan when

they were the center of the basketball universe. But in my lifetime, they never have been. And I'm an old fuck man. I've been around for a long time at this point. I'm halfway through this journey. If I'm lucky, hopefully only halfway through. So there you go. I went out of my way to trash the fucking Knicks, even though they just fucking won. And I don't even know shit about fucking. I don't know shit about basketball. Why don't I just shut the hell up? What am I up to here? 56 minutes? All right, let's read some more advertising here. All right, Amazon.com, everybody. Hey, do you like me? Do you like my podcast? Do you? Well, if you don't, do you like the troops? I'm drafting behind your like of the troops. This is the deal. Next time you go to

Amazon.com, not saying you have to. But next time you're going to buy something, why don't you just go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page. That thing opens up on the right hand side. You're going to see the Amazon banner. You click on that thing and then just go buy something if you want to. And when you do, you'll be supporting my podcast because I get a kickback and 10% of whatever kickback I get from Amazon.com. I throw to the wounded warriors project. So you support my podcast and you support the troops. How about that? Can you beat that? I don't think you can. So I think that's it. I think that is the podcast for this week. Wait, there's some overrated underwriters. Remember those things? Underrated, pissing in the shower. One of the most relaxing

things you could ever do. Gross. Just lean back, hands free and just let go of all your worries. Trust me, sounds gross. That's what he's, but it's awesome. Plus it all goes down the same pipes. And this way you'll save a flush worth of water. It's like the hybrid of toilet time. It doesn't go down the same pipe. It doesn't go down the same pipe. You fucking jackass. It doesn't. The toilet goes down your fucking sewage line. All right. They don't all flush together. Tell me they don't all flush together. Then where does that water go to then get treated and then I wash my hair with the shit we all shit and pissed in. Probably does this. So many fucking people. Does it go down the same fucking line? No. No, it would do. The smell of shit would be coming

right up your shower drain. Maybe eventually it does. I don't think it does. I thought they kept those two separate. Wow. That's fucking disgusting. Can somebody please write me and clear that up? Anyways, frosting your own beer glasses at home. Underrated. Apps of fucking Lutely. And by the way, you're required to do that. If you say, hey, you guys want to watch the game at my place, you're required to frost up some glasses. That's one of the unwritten rules. You know, there's unwritten rules. You don't show up a pitcher. You know what I mean? After the whistle blows, you don't shoot the puck at the goalie. Those fucking unwritten rules. The unwritten rule is that you have your buddies over to watch the game. You got to frost up some glasses, you

know, and then get mad at them when they pee all over the seat. Overrated. Giant Oprah style mansions with 20 bedrooms and shit. I grew up pretty poor in some small houses. And I remember thinking as I was watching those screen movies, how that shit could never happen to broke people. They had the rich kids in these giant ass houses, giant arse houses. This guy must be from Europe and people getting murdered in some other room while the rest of the people were oblivious, which made me laugh. As growing up, I could hear my mom in the kitchen walking around on the wooden floor while I was in the bedroom, literally on the opposite side of the house. No way some masked douche is slaughtering someone, demasking and then walking back into the lounge like,

hey guys, what I miss. So sleep tight there, Richie Rich. That's fucking hilarious. Plus, you know, what's crazy about those houses is, you know, when you have like 20 bedrooms, you don't think about it, but like those rooms are useless. 20 bedrooms. So you got to go out and buy 20 beds. What can you do in your bed? Sleep and fuck. Right? Do you need to do that in a bunch of other rooms? Other than that, how long does that take? For me, sleeping and fucking takes eight hours and seven minutes on a good day. Right? So other than that, it's just a useless room. I need whatever, three, four bedrooms. And then after that, everybody can, you know, go sleep in the family room, go sleep in the movie room, go sleep in my study. You want to turn

those rooms into something else. I've never understood. I don't, you know what it is? Yeah, this is why I think those people live in those kinds of places. Some people just want a giant house, but there is got to be something really comforting to live in like the Illuminati's like cul-de-sac, you know, like if I ever became like just like some fucking billionaire, you know, which I really think is inevitable with the wild success of this podcast and all this advertising that pretty soon, you know, I will become a billionaire. Um, I'll go fuck yourselves. Whatever. Whatever. Say I invent the next fucking app for the iPhone and I make a zillion dollars. You know, there's got to be something comforting when the dollar is

crashing. If you're in this giant gated fucking community with its own security. Ah, shit. Even then, even then, because then you got to think the security guy I would make friends with the security people like ridiculous friends. I would like if I had that kind of money, I would pay off their houses. Well, then he wouldn't fucking show up to work. I'd have to do something where they were on my side. You know, I just make a plan to when it, when the shit goes down, you can bring you and your family and your pistol to my house. All right. I have fucking 10 years worth of beef in my fucking 4,000 square foot fucking refrigerator.

Freezer. We can eat for 10 years all and I have enough bullets for you to hold people off. Can, can you do this? Are you willing to do this or that? That's how I would play it. I would have my own little mini militia. You know, I don't buddy mine told me one time they were having, they had this fire in the Hollywood Hills somewhere out here. Can somebody please find me footage of this? Because I refused to believe that somebody had this level of wealth, but it sounded awesome. Where the big thing about it, when you live in the Hills out here, um, this is basically what happens. All right. Every year for like a month straight, it fucking, it seems like it rains every day out here. And during that time, all the Hills turn all green

and they're beautiful and they're lush and all that type of shit. And then after that, occasionally it will fucking rain. So what happens is gradually the Hills start to dry out. And then towards the end of the year, the Santa Ana winds come in off of the desert. All right. And it's just flat. So they come in and like fucking sometimes upwards of 100 miles an hour. And it's like nature's hairdryer. And it just dries out all of the Hills and turns them this shitty Jesus is coming brown. And then eventually something happens. Somebody throws a cigarette out the window. I don't know what I don't know. Fuck a rattlesnake takes a shit and hits a piece of flint. I don't know how these things work. I have a bad science background,

whatever the fucking things catch on fire. And all these rich motherfuckers that you're jealous of during those months, you're not jealous of when you watch their fucking houses burned down. So one time a buddy of mine was saying he was watching the news and somebody had so much fucking money that he the dude had his own fire department. Basically. And these guys were on top with these fucking fire retardant suits. And these giant like, like cannons that were shooting foam, all over the perimeter and all over the house. So his house didn't burn down like the four houses around and burned to the ground. And his house was fine. Just sitting in this giant mountain of fucking shaving cream. And I just remember thinking that that that is that is the shit.

Like if I was wealthy, that's what the fuck I would do. You know, I wouldn't help the less fortunate. I would make sure that I could protect all my shit. Wouldn't you? Yeah, that was a nice little selfish moment. But I am I'm selfish son of a bitch. That's the podcast for this week. Hey, would you guys like to see me do stand up? Well, why don't you go to billbird.com like I'm doing right now you fucking bastard. Where the hell is it? There we go. These are some of my upcoming shows. I am going to be in Los Angeles at a club called Flappers. I swear to God, it's called Flappers. It's in Burbank. I'm trying to build up my new act. And on May 25th, I don't even have the date up on my website yet. I'll have to get it up there. Place called Flappers in Burbank, California.

Other things I have coming up San Jose, I'm going to be the improv on the 15th and the 16th. Unfortunately, I had to cancel the show on Sunday. And on the Sunday, I'm going to be at the Chicago theater, June 17th, and then the Ontario, Ontario improv the 29th, 30th, and July 1st. Jesus Christ is something. Where's the summer going? Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino in New Hampshire, Newport Yachting Center, Newport, Rhode Island. I know that sounds fancy, but it's a giant tent outside in a parking lot. So don't don't be intimidated. Come on down. I need you to Caroline's on Broadway, July 26th through the 29th. And who out there is from Charlotte, North Carolina? North Cac, a fucking lackey motherfucker. I actually were in the process of booking a date there on a weekend

when the Panthers have a home game. So I'm going to go out to a game, see Cam Newton, and by then my fucking act ought to be about three quarters ready. My special will be about a month away from coming out. So a bunch of dates, yada, yada, yada, please come out and see me. Once again, thanks to everybody who's been listening to the podcast, making donations, you know, take advantage of some of the advertising that I'm bringing to you, you know, anybody who orders the flowers, I really appreciate it. That is it. That is all. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. Don't hang out with lesbians thinking you're going to fuck them, either be friends with them and trade ratchet sets or fucking move on. All right. That is it. God bless you and God bless the United States of America.