Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-8-23

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, hey, hey, hey. May 8th, 2023. What's going on? How are you? Geez, how you doing?

Oh, Billy Raspy voice. Just did two shows in Las Vegas at the Pac-MGM. Used to be known as the Monte Carlo. Well, which I confused with the Bellagio. You know, because they looked very similar until Pac-MGM bought it and they put the green outline on it. Maybe that's why they did that. Maybe because the MGM is green.

Maybe green is their colors. I don't know what, but all I know is I did two shows out there and I want to thank everybody that came out, had an amazing time, and it was an unbelievable show too. I brought Nate Craig out, who's got a special coming out very soon with all things comedy. And then we had Erika Rhodes was on it too, who fucking killed me all weekend. It was absolutely hilarious. If you don't know about her, you definitely should. Just an amazing comedian, and we had a great time.

First time I ever brought her out in the road. She was definitely a fun hang. It was just a great time. She had a great time, you know? The first day I went down and the fucking elliptical stunk, you know? Oh, my God. I can't even, I can't fucking believe how out of shape I am. I'm like so like in, in shape, out of shape.

The guy, they had a little jazz gretch kit backstage for me to mess around on. And there was a mirror to the side of me, dude, and I sat down, and when I looked over, it was like, it was like all my muscle just turned to fat and just went like, right? I mean, I just, my back and my front were just like, it's just like, oh my, I look like a fucking salesman. You know? Like that's what it looked like. I remember when this suit, when I worked in the warehouse, when the suits, you know, at the company picnic, all of a sudden would, would be out there in like a fucking t-shirt.

And you'd be like, Jesus Christ, where did that fucking 40 pounds come from? So, uh, yeah, I really let myself go here, man. I got to get, I'm, you know, so I'm pretty, uh, but I did good though, you know, the whole weekend. The room, you know, it has all the fucking snacks in it, all of that shit, stayed away from all of that. The only thing I took was I had a, uh, I had some peanuts. There's some douche right now, go, oh, too much sodium. Oh, the sodium, you're going to retain water. Shut up.

I'm not a fitness model. Okay. It was the best fucking choice other than the, the M&M's three musketeer. What else did they have? They had every fucking candy bar you could possibly want, um, stayed away from all of it for the first time ever because I usually, I'm like, I ain't fucking with any of that shit and then Kenny will be like, do you want me to take it out of the room? I'm like, no, it's fine.

It's fine. I can fucking handle it, you know, and then I'm fucking, you know, it's funny. I used to do that when I was a kid. I used to get up early in the morning and I would sneak like a chocolate chip cookie because no one was around. And, uh, I remember getting caught by my dad that we literally had a cookie jar. This is how old I am. We actually, it wasn't in like a package.

You had a jar of cookies. My mother probably made them. So it was a cookie jar and there was chocolate chip cookies in them in there. And like, you know, I don't know how parents are now like, you know, they just give their kids fucking whatever. I'm going to do that old man thing. We're like, you know, back when I was a kid, you couldn't get sweet. But they, but my parents, you know, my dad was a dentist.

So he's like, yeah, you're not eating that shit. Like the only time we had soda was when we went to Papa Geno's to get pizza. Then you were allowed to have a Coke, but you couldn't have a Coke. But we all had paper routes every once in a while. We would go up to the, uh, to the corner store up there and, uh, I buy some football cards. But I, you know, it's funny. I could never finish a soda. I just always felt like I was drinking like, I don't know what, like it was,

your belly would get all distended. I could never finish it when I was younger. But anyway, yeah, I woke up one morning. I, um, one of the many different places I lived at as a kid. I think we were on the North Shore at that point and I copped up on the counter. You know, literally had to do like a muscle up. I was so small, you know, got up there, maybe I brought a stool over and I literally had my hand in the cookie jar.

We had like a breezeway and my dad had left. I didn't even know he had left, but he forgot something and he had come back in. The garage was on the other side of the breezeway and he just tapped on the glass with his keys as my hand was literally in the cookie jar, just like the expression. Hand in the cookie jar. So I've always been like that. So I'm trying to, trying to finish that part of my life. Just, I'm just like, well, I turned 55 on June 10th and I am not fucking having any sugar.

Until then, right? And then what? And then what? I feel like you're going to go back to show I'm not doing any heroin until, you know, I'm really starting to realize the amount of shit that people are addicted to. Like I actually think that the new addiction and I'm actually guilty of this is like social media and the internet and allowing it to, uh, it does something to your brain or whatever. Like, you know, it's fucking weird.

Like if I see a video and it's like nine minutes long, I'm like, I don't, I don't have nine minutes, you know, but then I will sit there and watch like 4,000 fucking one minute clips for the next five hours or whatever. I know the math doesn't work out, but you know what I mean, but I'm not going to sit there and commit to nine minutes. Although I did watch an amazing documentary. Wait, stick on the, stay on the subject bill. Um, I actually think that like, um, social media and all that stuff, it's starting to make people

like mentally ill and it's creating a new race of people. I'm going to call them the Instagrammers because you know, like when you look at a picture on Instagram and you clearly know, you're like that, that photo has been fucked with, right? Like this, like, I don't know, a filter or they elongated the body or like, you know, nip tuck here or there or the person's had plastic surgery. Now I'm actually seeing people, clusters of people, they seem to hang out together like races do, you know, white people over here, black people over there. You know how we are, right?

Now you have the Instagrammers and you see them. They, they fucking, they're shiny. They have all top label stuff and they don't, they almost, you're looking at them. You know, they're human. Wait, are the robots here? You're looking at them like they, they kind of, they don't look like any people I've ever seen before. Their faces aren't sweaty. They're shiny and it's like younger people too.

So I think they're, they're getting like, I don't know. I think the way the guys are tattooing their face. I think a lot of the women are Botox in their face when they're young. I have no fucking idea. But I'm looking at these people and going like, I just couldn't put my finger on. I go, what is going on with, with these, like I just keep seeing them. They pop up more and more and more. I think the robot's already here or some really good-looking and a different way aliens

have begun, you know, living amongst us. I don't know what it, I don't know what it is. Everything's like that fucking M store, the store begins with M. You know, what's that one? I don't fucking know, you know, all that designer label shit. And you're just looking at them like, you got like five grand worth of shit on above your waist. Like, I don't, you know, I don't know. But anyway, and then you got those types of people

who are trying to look Kardashian-esque. And then you have the people that you can tell, you can see it on their face that they argue politics all the time on the internet. They have, they have like the weight of the world on their face. And then this bizarre sort of idea that they, that they know how to change things or that everything would be perfect if we all just did what they wanted to do. I'm kind of noticing, you know, as the widget salesman has faded away, okay, getting onto airplanes, the Instagrammers, and the politicos, whatever they are.

They look like, I don't know. Like, can't we just be having, like, I did it, I did it to my buddy today. Like, you know, I watched the podcast and somebody just said something so fucking stupid. I didn't, I didn't even know what to say about it. It was some, I don't want to get into it because I don't want to like start a fucking war with like another podcast, but it was just like, essentially, I don't know how to talk around it, but it was just one of those things where it's just like, how could you be so fucking ignorant? Like, you know that thing that people do where they act like history

begins the second something bad happens to them, and they don't try to see, well, how did we come up to this point? Like, how the fuck did we get here? You know what I mean? It was like Trump. When Trump fucking got in office, and I remember seeing this person on TV going, oh, this was white people wanted to take the country back. They wanted to take the country back with this guy. And it's just like, well, there's way more white people that, you know, that they could have easily just voted against Barack twice, and he would have lost. So that's not what it was. It was, I think it was 2008, when the bankers fucked everybody again, yet again, and they got away with it.

And then we just had career politicians, Barack Obama, career politician, Hillary Clinton, career politician. And then this guy comes in like fucking, you know, hacksaw Jim Duggan, right? Saying he's going to clean everything up, even though he's part of the fucking problem. That was one of the most amazing things I saw. Oh, the rich guy who doesn't pay taxes is going to help me out. Okay. This should be, oh, I'm going to drain the swamp. I'm fucking neck deep. So anyway, I don't even want to fuck him going with this shit, but like, like people, they act like, you know, I don't know. I'm going to just get off the subject, because I'm going to end up saying what it is, and I just don't need to create

any more fucking drama in my life. Speaking of drama, the goddamn mother fucking Florida fucking Panthers won again. I just watched them win in overtime. I watched the game. They are fucking relentless. They like Jason from Friday the third, like that goalie should be wearing a fucking Jason mask. Remember those old horror movies in the 80s where like the victims running away and the fucking Jason guy is just walking briskly and somehow catches up with them and they're always tripping over fucking logs. That's what the Florida Panthers are. They've won six fucking games in a row. Remember when Toronto won their first playoff series since, I don't know what, we've been riding horses to get to work. Some of us still do, Bill.

All right, fair enough. I love horses. It's a lot of things I love, but like, I don't know anything about them. I do love horses. Anyway, they make you want to work out. I don't get the legs though. I just don't understand how they don't tip over. A lot of those big fucking things with the little legs. Moose, mooses, horses, giraffes. I just don't understand it, like why they have such little fucking legs. Can you imagine if they had like more like linebacker fucking legs or weightlifter legs? Just kicking the shit out of Lions. Give me all right there, Fred. Well, the Florida Panthers, six games in a row. So anyways, when the Toronto Maple Leafs won their first round of the playoffs, they were chanting, we want Boston. We want Boston,

you know, because they wanted revenge. Or maybe they knew. Maybe they know hockey better than we do up there, right? Maybe they knew like that. We don't want to fucking play the Panthers. These guys are relentless. Oh God, some of the fucking play though, man. I swear to God, I've never seen like so few like they don't hit each other anymore. So I'm too old to know the names. All right, my kids are too fucking young for me to know the names. Okay, so this guy, number 13, lucky number 13 on the Panthers, you know, stretch pass, whatever they call it, at the Maple Leafs blue line, catches it, realizes, you know, he's not going to go in the zone, he circles back, lets everybody kind of catch up. And then he kind of, you know,

goes through like right through two Maple Leafs. One of them was covering another guy, but he was sort of like one and a half guys were there to stop him. He goes right through him. Nobody even didn't even put a glove on him. Push him, touch him, nothing, nothing. He brings it down half wall and he fucking shoots it around behind the gold tender. Gold tender goes from, from his left post to the right post and number 13 keeps skating. The fucking, I'm not going to say the number because I don't like fucking shitting on people as I fuck up all the time, but the fucking Maple Leafs guy, so to half ass, so to stop skating and 13 goes right past them. They basically did like a give and go. Panther shoots it back to him. He's behind the net.

The fucking Maple Leafs goalie looks to the left as 13 is coming around the right by the time he realizes, oh fuck, he right through the fucking legs over, over with like five Maple Leafs just standing around like what the fuck just happened. I know the feeling. I watched three straight games of that. I'm really fascinated with this fucking team. I respected them when they played us, but I fucking hated them because they were beating us. Now I'm just fat. I'm like, I got to watch this team because if they fucking go all the way, this is going to be epic. So I've been watching that series and I've been watching the Edmonton Oilers Vegas Knights series, which has been great. And I swear to God, I was like, I'm just for fun. I'm going to put 100 on the fucking. It was in Vegas,

right? The fuck? I'm not going to gamble, have a little bit of fun, you know? Taking the festivities there, right? So I'm like, I'll put 100 bucks on Edmonton. I think they're going to fucking kill them. I think they're going to fucking kill them. And I went downstairs. It was fucking hilarious. Park MGM and this woman for Bet MGM is standing there trying to solicit me to go in there. I want to be like, solicit me. I've been fucking promoting you guys for like, I don't know how many years on my goddamn part. You don't know who I am. I'm the face of this fucking company, lady. No, I didn't think that. I just thought it was funny. And I never got around to putting the bet down. I should have done it though. They came out, gave the Vegas Knights the old right there Fred to the

tune of four fucking goals in the first period. That Edmonton Euler playoff power play is just fucking insane. You know, I just realized all I've done is talked about sports up until this point. I think I have, you know, hey, it's that time of year, ladies, you know? I mean, you should be happy I'm talking about sports, ladies. The way fucking ESPN is putting is putting all your non ratings, getting fucking sports on Jesus Christ. The fuck are they gonna put on next? I've never seen so many goddamn women's sports. This is amazing. Like, they haven't even earned the right to be on TV as far as like ratings and there's like a crowd and all that like that new fucking game of tennis. It's like ping pong had a baby with tennis. Whatever the fuck that

pickle. It's a new fucking game. I'm like that's fucking that looks like tennis for little people. Even that shit's on TV. But I know that is a fucking craze amongst young men and women. Right? That's the new rollerblading. Back in the day, you wanted to get laid, you went out, you bought a pair of rollerblades, just skated around, you learned a couple of tricks, right? You went out there in your milk white, freckly thighs, skating around Central Park. Open some chick would be like, oh, you know, I always wanted to fucking data translucent fucking orange person. Now it's that pickle shit. But I'm wondering now ladies, okay, you bitch, you bitched your way on the ESPN, you bitch moaned and complained your way

on the ESPN. All right. You did it. Congratulations. Now, women, you got to sit down and watch this shit so they can start making money. Oh my God, they got to be taking a bath on this shit. It really is amazing when women complain like how much shit gets done. It's just fine. The way they complain, there's like no way to shut them up until you just give them what they want. You got to put fucking lacrosse. You got to put, it was a field hockey, women's field hockey on ESPN, not two, not three, ESPN one. You got to put on the first one, the original channel. It's like nobody's watching your sport. Yeah, fucking sex. All right. All right. Put it on. Jesus Christ. Anything to shut them up. Anyway, I'll be honest with you. I'm hoping that one of them

takes off, makes their money. You know what I mean? Women's tennis does great, right? I would say, I don't know why they're so fucking dumb. Okay. They should fucking, it's women's volleyball. Women's fucking volleyball. You got to put that on there because men will watch it and men watch sports. I think what ESPN is trying to do right now is trying to, would be like trying to get guys to watch, like if they put, like the real housewives, if they did a male version of that, like we're going to sit around, like we already have that. It's called the pregame and postgame show before and after a sporting event. I'm just fucking with you ladies. I know, but it's really going to be up to you. All right. I'm

breaking your fucking ovaries over here. All right. You guys should stop watching that stupid, dumb ass reality shit. All right. And help ESPN out before they lose their goddamn shirts, showing all your fucking sports. All right. There's your ladies. There's your strong, powerful women. These poor fucking women athletes out there, blowing out their fucking ACLs. The least you can do is turn on the camera. I'm going to turn on the camera. I'm going to turn on the fucking TV and watch it. I will tell you this. I like women's softball. You know, I just love those fucking pitches. However you learn how to throw like that. Whoever thought underhanding pitching could come in that fucking fast. That's like how you throw is a little boy like under here you go,

here you go. And then there's somehow they turn that until like a, I don't know how fast they throw it. All I know is I couldn't catch up with it. Not with my old goddamn body. I went to the doctor. Listen to this shit. I don't have rotator cuff issues. I have bursitis and a little bit of arthritis to go with my tinnitus. I got all the iths people. Bursitis, arthritis and tinnitus. Touch it. Touch. You know, a truffle oil portion of arthritis. He says my shoulders are fine as long as I don't act like an idiot for the final third of my life. Anyway, so we're going to start some treatment on that shit and I don't know, see if I can fucking get it going. What I should really do is just admit to the fact that I'm going to be 55 years old and I need to start lifting the pink

weights. That's what I need to do. I need to go lightweight, you know, a lot of stretching, fucking sprinkling cranberries and brand on this shit, whatever the fuck it is I'm supposed to do. So I had a bunch of people come out to my show out there when I was in Vegas and ran into an old friend, old friend of mine. You might know him from the storage wars, Kenny Crossley, and some of you just probably know him from that show, but back in the day he was the doorman at the Laugh Factory from like 1995 to like around 2000, whatever, right? And when I first came out to LA in like 96 when I was like 28 was 28 years old. I thought I was old then. I was a fucking kid and I met him and he was just, we all knew him as Kenny the doorman and all these Boston comics

all moved out there at the same time from my generation and I'd gone to New York and then got an acting gig out there. So then I was out there and that dude was like, like for me was like the one ray of light when I was out in LA because I got my fucking ass. I mean LA is, it's funny when people sit there and they go, you know, it's a fucking plastic town, everybody's so phony and la la land and all that. This fucking town is brutal. It's fucking, I found this town harder than New York. You know, how come they don't write a song about fucking Los Angeles? Maybe they have. It's always just that fucking, didn't the Eagles do something about it? Hotel California? Was that about it? I have no idea. But like they're always

writing songs that's like blowing New York City. If I can wake up in a city, I found New York to be, maybe because I'm from the East, I just found it way easier. You know, it just was, I don't know. I can't even, I don't even, I don't even remember, I spent so long since I lived there. I don't even remember why. But when I was in New York, it felt all right and it like made sense. And even like in show business, which makes no sense, it made more sense back there. But when I came out here, I was like, this is just fucking, like, I don't even know which direction to walk in out here. Like it was just this open expanse of space. There's all of these fucking people. And there was like, you know, very few avenues to get in. Because I have to be

honest with you, I see now like, I'll tell you these kids today, these comedians, like the opportunity that they, the control that they have over their own destiny is fucking amazing. And watching, like I'm literally watching comics blowing up now without the industry. You know, they can just like, they can film themselves, post clips and do all of this stuff and get this momentum going. Like they're just these self sustained units. Like I think in the future, you're going to see the no manager, no agent ever, no stand up special comedian ever, just clips. And everybody's going to know who he or she is, and they're going to make their zillion dollars on all they need is like an entertainment lawyer or something like that.

You still need somebody to talk for you to book your money. They'll probably figure, you know, they'll get some AI shit to do that. Anyways, the writer's strike is going on out here. I've been fucking busy here and going on the road. So, oh, Billy's got to walk the picket line. You know, I'm in the writer's guild. I've written a lot of shit jokes over the years. I should go down there. One, two, three, four, just give us the fucking money you cunts. It's unbelievable the way that I gotta be honest with you. I'm so glad I'm not just a writer because the way that they treat them, it's like this town is literally nothing without them. You know, unless you want a bunch of reality show shit, but now they got like that. I guess they got this AI shit where

they'll be like, you know, write me a play like William Shakespeare. You guys ever watch Idiocracy? Like, it's getting scary how fucking accurate that is becoming because I feel like I'm starting to be shaped like those people. Wasn't that the movie where they couldn't get up anymore? That was a Pixar movie combining them. But I did see a clip the other day that said, you know, when they were designing the clothes of the future, that they forgot to design the shoes and they just found the dumbest shoes they could ever find. They're like, don't worry, these things will never take off and they were crocs. Ah, Jesus. Anyway, so I got to sit after my second show and talk with Kenny Crossley,

AKA Kenny the doorman for my generation of comics. And we just sat and talked for the better part of the hour, a better part of an hour just going through the old days, man. It was fucking awesome. So anyway, let's let's do some of the reads here. Oh, I came home and fucking, you know, hung out with my kids and all that. And then I had to go work out because I'm gradually being shaped like a pair. And I drove my new truck, man. I fucking love that thing. I fucking love that thing. God damn it. I love that thing. I have no need for it whatsoever. But God damn it. I love that fucking thing. All right, let's do a little bit of a little bit of reads here. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Indochino. Looking sharp. All wedding

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See for yourself, go to this exclusive web address to try it out ziprecruiter.com slash burr. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash burr. Zip recruiter. The smartest way to hire. Where are we going here? You know what's funny is women's sports finally gets the TV coverage. It would be funny if they just stay low in the ratings and then they also called that sexist. They said that the rating system was sexist and then they bitched their way into like actually being called the number one sport in the country. I would enjoy that. All right. Harvard. Harvard. Jesus Christ, you're on the wrong podcast. You're bringing this up. Harvard. H-A-R-V-A-R-D. Harvard. Bill was listening to anything better podcast

and heard you talk about how nice it must be. Nice it must say you're from Harvard. Not from Harvard. You went to Harvard in a disagreement. This person said, I graduated from Harvard eight years ago and can tell you 100% that there are a lot of morons who go to Harvard. Oh, I love hearing that. Did you ever just say to yourself when you were there, like, I am at the fucking college in the United States. Everybody knows it is. Even if there's a lot of people elsewhere, it's fucking Harvard. Where did you go to college? Harvard. That's fucking unreal. Listen, even as a fucking meathead, I can't hate on that place. You got that Roman Coliseum, you know, with your five foot eight offensive guard blocks

for your fucking five foot six quarterback. They have the ability, anyway, they have the ability to understand. Where am I? I fucked up. There are a lot of morons who go to Harvard. They have the ability to understand really complex systems of math and science. But when it comes to anything outside of those fields, they're just idiots. Well, yeah, I mean, some's going to suffer if you got the beautiful mind there, right? Like Matt Damon did in that movie. You know, you're not going to have any social skills, although he did, right? He was pretty good picking up the chicks, whatever. It was a fucking movie. I still like that movie. But yeah, well, I mean, they're too busy trying to figure

out how much liquid is in a cylinder, aren't they? Anyway, Harvard Business School is a great prep for life if you're going to work for companies that have the same agenda as Harvard, which boils down to this. Harvard graduates who run large companies and hold high government positions are always looking for more Harvard grads to come to do, to come do things the way they are doing them. Oh, wow. So it's like an Ivy League mafia. I've heard about this. I've heard about this. Well, you know, I went to Emerson College. People out here at Emerson hook each other up. Why can't you guys carve up the fucking world? Well, us Emerson people write skits. Anyway, if it makes money and doesn't disturb their status quo, it has a chance.

All right, let's just stop doing my jokes here and just read this so you guys can hear. Okay, Harvard graduates who run large companies and hold high government positions are always looking for more Harvard grads to come do things the way they are doing them. Having a new or original idea is not praised unless it's made money. If it makes money and doesn't disturb their status quo, it has a chance. My wife went to a, quote, regular four-year school and is light years ahead of my colleagues in the same field. Getting into Harvard is harder than graduating. Well, that's kind of what I was saying. But like, I wish you, you kind of elaborated more on what, in what way is your wife light years ahead?

Never. And I mean, never think someone from Harvard knows more than you about anything just because they went there. I know. I mean, I never really thought that, but I did respect it. I mean, it's not like you're not smart. You had to get in there unless your dad went there and you're some dope. I get that. If you're, what do they call that? You're a lineage. What is that? I'm a, I'm a legacy. I'm a fucking, I don't know. I don't know what this Ivy League schools are the greatest farce in education. Jesus Christ, dude. Did you have any fun at this fucking school? I mean, you kill, it's just like I said, I believe in Santa Claus. You're like, ah, it's just some fat plumber in a robe. It's like saying, well, they were on

SNL. So they must be funnier than me. What do you mean? Like, like me saying that or you saying that, I'm a stand up comedian. So I think I can hold my own because we're both doing the same thing. But I, you know, before I was a comedian or for a long time, I thought everyone on SNL was funnier than me. I'm not saying they're not still funny than me, but what are you sweet talking about? What are you shitting on SNL for? Anyway, no, SNL is an institution and it helps to be on it, but you are absolutely funnier than a lot of people whose names have been forgotten from that show. No shade to SNL as you throw it out of the bus. Just needed an example. All right. All right. Well, I think what you're saying, you can kind of say that about a lot of shit, but

you know, I mean, I'm not going to debate you. You went there, but I would say this. Can you have like a little more pride that you went there just so, you know, a guy like me can still hold it up high and my fantasy of what it is. I just look at the buildings and all of that shit. I just remember just seeing us like, this is like something I'm never going to experience. Like, this is just, fuck, I wish I tried in high school, you know, like that. If I tried, it would have turned it around anymore. It's amazing. I mean, I think whatever. I mean, someone's got to run the country. Why not be you guys? And as far as what you're saying about how Harvard people think, people in showbiz think the same way. When it comes to money on the other

side of the desk, it's like, we're not going to try some new shit and risk all of our fucking jobs. We're just going to keep whatever's in right now. That's why they keep making these superhero movies because they're fucking working. People keep going to see them. They will make those for the rest of time, for the rest of time until people stop going to see them. Like, remember they just came making all those vampire and werewolf movies for a while? In the 80s, they had all those action movies. There's always like something that is a big hit and then they just keep ripping it off, ripping it off, ripping it off until they just, you know, kind of dies on the vine. That is pretty fascinating to me though, though. But I will say this, still, yet, even though all the stuff you

said about Harvard still must have been great, I think that's, here's like my top schools that if I studied, I wished I like I went to just, and I'm just basing all of these on the campuses. All right. All right. Harvard, all the fucking Ivy League schools, they always look amazing, yet sort of creepy. I did a few of those schools. I just always remembered like, it's just so, you know, you walk in and you just feel people being like, ew, what is he doing here? University of North Carolina, beautiful campus. It's another one. UCLA, Stanford. It's another one. Then there's some that I went to, I'm actually fans of the football program, but you know, but I'm not into the school,

like, University of Michigan, Jesus Christ. It's a fucking city. All these college gigs I did, and I can't even remember the ones that I liked, Georgetown. I am a fucking elitist snob. Listen to me, just rolling through these here. UMass, Amherst, no, kidding. Yeah, I don't know. Wow, I was going way back in the fucking bin for those trying to remember those. I think I did more college gigs, more nights at college gigs than I actually was in college. And granted, I commuted. I used to do those fucking things all the goddamn time. Get like a college agent. They just route you through the hope. My college agent was out in

the Midwest and just fucking send you through all of that shit out there. All of that land. And it was always like in the wintertime and all the crops were cut down. It was fucking freezing cold out, man. It's just always ended up in Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, and South Dakota, Minnesota. Oh, Jesus, fucking brutal, brutal. That little, you know, that quadrant right there. Wisconsin always gave me hope, you know? Illinois wasn't bad. As long as you were near Chicago, you know, at least you knew like, I'm definitely a city guy. Fucking going out to those goddamn places. I think it was on the 29. I can still remember

the roads. Some fucking road. 35 is the one that goes up from Dallas all the way up. I want to say to Minneapolis. There's the one just west of that. And the numbers go down, right? Starts with the five. And they're all odd numbered if they go north, south, and even if they go east, west. That's how I'd figure out if I, you know, back in the day when you had a fucking map rather than Google maps. All right, I'm babbling here. Old NBA, old NBA big men. Oh, I was talking about this. How I just missed the two seven footers battling, you know, down below the the Elijah ones, Karim's, Robert Parrish, all of those fucking guys, man. It was great. Bob Lanier, Moses Malone. Oh, Moses would kill you. Anyway, old NBA big man. Now all those guys are just

taking fucking three pointers, which it's amazing that they can hit the shot, but it's just like everybody's like a fucking point guard now. Anyway, hey there, Billy double dribble. I was listening to your latest Thursday podcast when you were talking about how you miss watching big men battle down in the post. I am right there with you. I miss it too. It drives me up the fucking wall when I see a seven footer choosing to shoot a fadeaway shot as opposed to going through the defender's chest. Sadly, this is where the game is at is already at. Yeah, I mean, it's not going to change either. So I mean, this is their game. They like it that way. And now they're into this game called pickle. When I was a kid, pickle was you were doing like a rundown like

in baseball. Um, is it called pickle? I don't even know pickle paddle paddle pickle. Those nerds who have never learned how to use their dominant hand say there's a higher probability of success when you spread the floor with nobody in the lane. Oh, is that why they do it? All right. Uh, a big thing to look at is the upcoming NBA draft to see how far down Zach Eddie from Purdue gets picked. 20 years ago, a seven foot four inch, 300 plus pound center who is mobile and can knock down free throws would easily have been a lottery pick. Now he won't go in the first round. I missed the old days boohoo. Thanks and zip. Go fuck yourself back. I like that ending. Um, yeah, it's like, I don't know. It's just it is it is a different game. I I've kind of tapped

out from the NBA. I tried watching the Celtics and that type of stuff. I just I just find hockey so much more exciting. Um, but any but even that game has like changed. Like there's people just skating around with the puck. Nobody getting fucked up the days of the Scott Stevens coming in and just fucking ending your career with the shoulder to your fucking head as you mean that obviously they had to get rid of that in the game. But like, um, there's not a lot of checks or anything like that. Just everybody is like a fucking beast stick handler, you know? Um, so it's a lot faster game. It is exciting, but I got to say like, I don't know. I guess it's easy for me to sit here and not risk CTE and say I wish it was still more physical, but in basketball. Yeah, I do kind of miss that.

Um, I like that guy and then I do like the Knicks. So I was watching some of the Knicks, uh, and I was saying to Paul Verzi, you know, Knicks is his team and I was talking to him about that guy quickly. You know, I'm like, there's no way his nickname isn't the adverb. It has to be right. And he just laughed. He goes, no, no one said that. Um, anyway, I missed the seven footers battling. I don't think it's going to come back. So I'm just happy that I saw it. And, uh, I don't know. It's just, I think it's, this is just, I'm just sort of realizing this is just a part of getting old. Um, evil nerds in Africa. Holy shit. All right. Everybody come. I guess I hit some, hit some sensitive points. You guys are all fucking like clapping back as the kids say.

Um, oh, I heard somebody else say an expression wrong. One of my favorite fucking things ever. Uh, I saw a clip on the internet where this guy said he's not the brightest bulb to ever come down the pipe. That's my favorite thing in the world. They're becoming like expressions because I, you know, I love it because I do that all the time. I fuck them up. I'll get in the middle of them and I can't fucking remember them. Um, like Verzi calls me out on it all the time. I remember fucking Patrice O'Neill, rest his soul. I was trying to teach him that expression. Uh, oh, those who can do those who can't teach. I said that to him. He was talking about like, I forget, probably a comedian teaching a comedy class when that was like a new thing.

And he goes, you have motherfucking sitting there, you know, teaching comedy. I was like, well, you know, those who can do those who can't teach. And he was like, what? I go, you never heard that? He was like, no, I said, yeah, those who can do those who can't teach this expression. And then he was trying to say it. He kept going, those who can do. No, wait, I go, no, those who can do. And he just kept going, those who can do, he wouldn't, he wouldn't pause. And I was driving him home and I was just laughing my fucking ass off. And he couldn't, he couldn't, he couldn't get it. And then he found those who can do those who can't teach. Yeah. So I heard somebody, it's actually somebody I'm a fan of. He said he's not the brightest bulb to come down the pipe.

And it actually, it's, it's the original expression is to come down the pike. And then people just started saying the pipe. And it, and it also used to be, I believe he's not the brightest bulb or he's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. I think that was the first one. He's not, I think it was initially, he's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. And then it just became too long to say. So he's not the brightest bulb. You don't need to go, you know, when in Rome, you don't need to fucking keep going, right? Unless you're talking to Ron Burgundy, right? So anyway, I got a kick out of that. I'm starting to write, write them down. Do you guys want to start sending me those in? If you hear your parents or hear me or somebody just saying an

expression wrong, and then we can actually find out how you're supposed to say it. So God forbid, you guys won't sound as dumb as I do. All right, evil nerds in Africa. All right. Hey, Bill, I'm an African who has lived in the U.S. since I was 12. I've been listening to your comedy since I was 15. The worldviews are appreciated. Look at me. Huh? Oh, Billy back in the class actually has a decent worldview. According to one person who's allegedly from Africa. Who knows? I mean, I'm just taking everything you guys write at face value. That is true, right? All right. He's an African who has lived in the U.S. since he was 12. He's been listening to podcasts since he was 15. All right. I've been reading a lot about African struggle to maintain autonomous control of its

continent. Oh boy. Jesus Christ. What are we going to do with that one? Every great animal's going to be in the zoo. We're going to wipe out all the fucking forests. I don't understand. I just don't know. You know, whatever. I'm not going to think that big because it gets depressing. You're always talking about evil nerds. So I wanted to share something horrible I've been reading about and hope to shed more light on in my future professional career as a filmmaker. Oh, I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm going to watch your films if you're going to be talking about evil nerds in Africa. The Gates Foundation has been supplying vaccines to African countries for almost 30 years now. In some cases, it has been successful in immunizing against

things like malaria. But one vaccines they've been providing for 20 plus years was removed from North America all the way back in the 90s because it was killing more people than it helped. Oh my God. Is that true? It is illegal to distribute this vaccine in America when the foundation tried to sell it to Denmark. Their officials asked to see the studies, but the Gates Foundation was not able to provide any information or proof that it did any good. So basically they had invested in this vaccine. They found out it didn't fucking work. And then they had too much money in it and they knew that it killed people and they said, all right, fuck it, we'll go to Denmark. Now, right now, all the people that didn't take the

vaccine for COVID are like, ignoring the fact that these same people have also defeated every fucking plague since the beginning of time. For some reason, you know, you're only as good as your last vaccine. Scientists are like the NFL quarterbacks or relief pitchers. You're only as good as your last fucking safe. Then scientists and doctors from Denmark went to Africa to study the effects of the vaccine on a controlled population and found that it was causing more harm than good. And let me guess, these people had no idea they were being tested on. The government of Denmark tried to alert the World Health Organization that more children have died that would have been exposed to the disease in the first place. They're still distributing this

vaccine and still causing unnatural effects. Why would you sell something that already is classified as a health risk? Yeah, well, I mean, you know what's funny is the same people that won't take the vaccine are eating the bread in this country, which is complete fucking poison. Our food is poison. Everything is fucking poisoned at this point because all anybody gives a fuck about is money. So the only thing you can bank on is they don't want to kill all of us because then they have to dig their own ditches, right? So I don't know. It's fucking chaos. Why anyways? Because no one really, okay, why would you sell something that already is classified as a health risk? Because no one really cares about Africa. They just do it for the money. Well,

buddy, I got news for you. They do that here in this country with all kinds of stuff. Anyway, the person says, I don't like these nerds even more. I hate the idea that someone is considered intelligence based on their ability to build a computer and create a company. Yeah, I mean, you know, you know, it's amazing. Why don't empathetic people ever get into positions of power? It's fucking bizarre. It's almost as if they get weeded out. So the person goes on to say, you often call yourself a moron, but you're not. You're just coming to conclusions the same way, quote, smart people do. Well, I don't quite understand that last sentence, but if you think I'm smart, I appreciate it.

All right, well, make that fucking documentary. I love documentaries. I wish I could, I wish I, let me see if I can find this documentary. Somebody made the interview, these people that went and fought over in the Gulf War in the very beginning, like 20 years ago, and where they are now and how they feel on it, about it and everything. It was absolutely riveting. It was put together great. There was no politics in it. It just, it's in it. It really was what documentaries used to be before the Michael Moore generation, where Michael Moore didn't make documentaries as much as he made op-ed pieces. This was clearly his opinion. I finally figured it out when he totally just ballwashed Canada. Well, they leave their doors unlocked and whoopee-doopee,

there's no fucking problems up here. Anyway, here's one here. Mr. First Porsche. Hey there, your big foot buffoon. You making fun of my truck, you son of a bitch. That's fighting warrants here in America. Parentheses. It's okay. I'm also size 12. Oh, foot size. Okay. I thought you making fun of my truck. There was a famous Ford truck in the 1980s called Bigfoot. I don't know if you guys are into monster trucks. It's okay. I'm also size 12. I'll let you borrow my Jordans. Clearly, you know what race I am now. The kind that wears lotion. Well, I mean, everybody wears Jordans, but once you said lotion, I kind of narrowed it down. Anyways, last week you talked about how anxious it'd be to have a sports car in a city.

Let me tell you, it is, I recently bought my first car, a Porsche 718S. Now, I got to look this fucking thing up because I'm not good with the Porsches. I know the 911 Targa. That's the one I want. I want a new one in that 1970s orange. I don't even think they make it like that anymore. All right. Porsche, what is it? A Porsche 718S. All right. No, not Spider. S, you cunts. Stop trying to fucking write for me. Oh, shit. That's a good looking car. What color did you get it in? Fuck you, white. You know, they always have to have those testosterone names. Before the colors, I don't know, my fucking throat is more than so goddamn dry being out there in the desert. All right. Let me tell you this. I recently bought my first car. It's a Porsche 718S.

718S, 718S. I don't know how to say it. And every time someone attempts to park near it, I have to stick my eye through my blinds. Oh my God. Last week, I was so nervous of this lady in an old car reversing quickly in front of me. I ran out of the house and guided them with my hands like I was on the tarmac, marshaling a plane. All right, right off the bat. I respect the car that you bought and how much you love cars. That's amazing. Slash terrifying. You know, if you get a fucking park next to these other people, it just could give a shit. As long as it gets me from point A to point B, you know, I don't give a fuck. I get no attention from girls. The only attention I get is from old men who occasionally come to my window

and go, you did it, kid. What year is your 718S? Last week, I got an oil change, 800 bucks. Luckily, I had a warranty or else the servicing would have cost me five grand. Would you go to the dealership? Additionally, the car is so low, I have to get therapy for my knees from getting in and my back from the quote, sporty suspension. And yet I love it. It's a beauty. Sports cars are one of the few things where art and science are in perfect unison. Wow. I never thought of it like that. I'm going to read that again. Sports cars are one of the few things where art and science are in perfect unison. You, sir, are a refined gentleman. I'm picturing you drinking a little fucking espresso up in the mountains after you did a drive, you know, like one of those fucking

movies where you got one of those sweaters. You know, those have like those fucking sweaters on. The guy with the wavy hair, some blonde chick with them. You know, she also has a big sweater and no fucking pants on for the wrist. What the commercials look like when I was a kid. Anyway, and when I drive it through the mountains, ah, bam, I nailed it. Fucking nailed it. Ah, that's, you know what? Every once in a while, you fucking hit a half court show. There is nothing that makes me happier because then it's art, science, and nature, the trifecta. Lay, is this guy single ladies? You got to fucking get with this. This guy's a romantic. Hopefully one day I'll have a couple of sports cars. You know what? Nothing would make me happier,

sir. And if that came, if that came to be, they make me feel better about the fact that I got two pickup trucks in a car. My car, my question for you is this. How much money would you be making yearly, should you be making yearly in relation to the car? For example, if the car is a hundred grand, how much should be making yearly to feel comfortable and deal with unexpected expenses? Finally, despite the lack of world, word economy here, my brother and I are both comics and we think you're one of the greatest of all time. You are an ass certified legend. Look at this. And your contributions to the art form will not be lost as you influence people like us every day. All right. I wrote that final paragraph. I

pretended he said that. Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. All right. If you make for, okay, if car cost a hundred grand, well, I remember back in the day, they used to say your rent should be no more than two weeks pay. And then they kept printing a trillion dollars every August. This year they're going to do it in June with nothing behind it. So I don't know what that is now, but I'm a fucking conservative son of a gun here. The car cost a hundred grand and it cost five grand to do a fucking tune up on it. I mean, shit. I would say well over a million a year, well over. And I wouldn't buy the car until I bought a house. So funny, buy a house and then spend the rest of your fucking life fixing every goddamn thing that

breaks on it. You know what? I have no fucking idea. I've never even thought about that. All I know is like, I absolutely love machines. I love cars, aviation, RVs, boats. I don't give a fuck what it is. If you turn it on and it goes, I am absolutely fascinated with it and I'm thrilled for the person that owns it. People that have snowmobiles. I got a buddy, my old boss. I still talk to my old boss. How funny is that? I had a boss like fucking 35 years ago. I talked to him probably three times a week about sports and he keeps inviting me to go snowmobile and I'm like, I got to get back there. I got to get back east, you know, when it's fucking snowing out. Motorcycles. I just find all of that shit. Old shit, new shit, weird shit. I like all of it. So I'm just happy that you have the car

and who the fuck are you as a comedian that you can buy a $100,000 car and I don't know who you are. I would think you're making a lot of fucking money, right? Which is another good thing. I hope you bought that car telling jokes. That's even better. Dude, once you buy, when you can buy a car like that, live in your dream, you're literally getting away with murder. It's amazing. And you know something? When you live a life like that, you're a happy guy and then you're rude for people, you know? When my life wasn't going well, I'd see a guy in a Porsche, you know? I don't think I, I mean, I would have to look at the guy. If I looked at the guy, he looked like a douche. I'd say, look at this fucking douche and his fucking poor, I would say

that, but I didn't straight across, I was never straight across the board because I was always too enamored with the car. So if the person was actually didn't look like a douche, then I would just be looking at him like, wow, what's it like to be you? But if they look like a douche, I was like, yeah, fuck that guy with this stupid ass fucking car. I don't know. I can just tell you, I would not buy a fucking, excuse me, Jesus Christ, hiccup and a burp. I would not buy a fucking $100,000 car before I owned a house. But I'm also of the generation that like to watch the NBA when seven footers battled under the rim. So I don't know what's going on. I'm also of the generation where they told you when you're, you know, you could do a stand up special. You

was the comedian didn't decide and there was like fucking HBO was where you wanted to be. That was it. Now there's like a zillion places you could go. So I have no fucking idea. All I know is I'm happy that you have that car and you're fucking enjoying it. All right. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. I'll see you next time.