Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-16

Episode Date: May 10, 2016

Bill rambles about eggs, politics and virtual reality sex suits.

The Leise presents Kokme with your My The Leise App From now on, it's for recipes that are delicious, easy and cheap For those of you who like something different or like classics Oh yes, there was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat Download the My The Leise App and Kokme Yes, great! The Leise, along with the food

How you doin'? There, fuckos Oh freckles, laying on his back Trying to get rid of the sciatica It's much better Sciatica Sciatica Uh oh

Uh oh Sciatica A lot of people don't know that was the original lyrics to Panama You know? David Lee wanted to say, you know, sciatica And Eddie wanted to, and Alex wanted Panama And Michael Anthony's like, come on guys You know, except he said it in a much higher voice

Can we fucking just get along here? And David ended up giving in to the brothers And that's what the next thing, you know He was on his own, I'm just a jiggalo So, um, yeah, my back's doin', uh, it's doin' much better Slowly but surely, I've kind of found out that it's gonna sort of work itself out I just don't have to sit on my fuckin' ass from here to Jacksonville every other week But that's the life that I live, you know?

It's just the weirdest injury ever Usually if you're fucked up, sitting down, you know, and resting is a good thing This thing, I just gotta kind of, I gotta lay down I'm a mess I'm taking that fuckin' ibupro, I don't even know what the fuck it is Some anti-inflammatory thing I'm stretchin' like a fuckin' NHL goalie Tryin' to get everything all fuckin' undone down there

But I don't know what's goin' on I don't know, but it is, uh, it is getting better But I, um, I flew all the way back today from Jacksonville Had a great time And by the way, here's some, uh, here's some advice for you When you're out on the road and you're gonna get a breakfast Unless you're in some mom-and-pop place and you can see over the counter You can watch them makin' your food

Which I don't necessarily really like to do If you're gonna order eggs, don't ever order scrambled eggs I know what you're thinkin' Why, Bill? Why wouldn't you do that? Cause they got a giant fuckin' vat that they've made Scrambled eggs are the fuckin' oatmeal of eggs when you go to restaurants It's just, it's like the trail of Zanya It's just that, is your fuckin', you know, is your fuckin' eggs

Especially, like this morning, the place where I went to Jacksonville, I ate at the Chili's Restaurant in Jacksonville, Florida I know you guys, you're jealous, right? Oh my god, he gets to see everything So, me and Forrest Shaw, who murdered it all week Um, we ordered the, whatever, the American breakfast or somethin' there And your only option on the eggs was scrambled Okay, now if that's the fuckin' case, that means they got a giant vat

That was probably made, I don't know how long ago Whatever the health code violation is, plus five minutes You know, it's been sittin' So you got the rubber fuckin' eggs, and then bacon They just make a bunch of fuckin' bacon They got that sittin' to the side, you know And then they had their bullshit hash browns Which, you know, was already, the whole fuckin' thing was already made

The only thing that really tasted good was the biscuit So, if you're ever at the airport, you know Or if you go down to the hotel lobby for their continental breakfast You always never order scrambled eggs Order eggs over easy, get an omelet, you know Do somethin' like that where they just aren't gonna just have the shit already made Or you could do the gross shit with the syrup But that's gonna fuck your whole day up, I feel

I mean, not like I didn't order a big salty breakfast But for some reason a salty breakfast is as bad as it is I can continue to function But if you get a waffle or pancakes or french toast or that shit You know, you might as well just have somebody put you in a fuckin' sleeper hold Cause you're goin' down, and you're goin' down early So anyway, just a little travel tip for you there So anyways, you know all this past week

The lovely Nia, my beautiful wife was away And I was telling you how immaculate I was keeping this place Fucking immaculate, alright? And I literally, there was no trash in any of the barrels All the fuckin' pillows were all poofed up It looked like a showroom, the living room, right? I made the fuckin' bed, you know? It was spotless

I wiped down my side of the fuckin' sink, you know? Brushed my teeth and all that shit Spotless, okay? I got a car washed and waxed, filled it up with gas All of that shit Everything was done Went through all the bills, got the junk mail, all the bullshit The recycling, fuckin' everything!

I did everything, right? So I'm thinkin' she's gonna come home You know, cause I was leavin' And right as I was leavin' she was coming home So we were just missin' each other, right? So I was thinkin' when she came home She was gonna be like, like, oh, you know what? I might have to bring her in for this shit

You know what? I'm gonna have to bring her in for this Hang on one second, hold on one second Alright, alright, so I'm back here So anyways, let me keep settin' this up So my whole thing, Nia, was that When you came home, this place was gonna be absolutely spotless So you'd be like, oh my god, that's so nice! And then also, you wouldn't feel like I was this hopeless sap without you

Cause that always bugs me, like when women go like, take, take, take If they fall apart without us, like I'm like... I've never said that about you Nor have I ever thought that I've never come home after being away And the place has been in shambles Because you don't know what to do So all that effort was for nothing?

No, but you keep holding on to some idea of something that does not exist Are you quoting an 80's song? What? Talking to the mic Stop manspreading Well, I gotta be on the fucking couch here No, I don't know what you're so concerned about that for Like the place has never been disgusting or gross after I've gone away

So I don't know why you have this big hang up about, you know I don't get it You know what, now I don't either Well? I'm trying to think, will you fucking relax and let me work through my shit? Oh, okay, sorry What a jerk You're telling this story

Alright And then you're out Love Love Cause I'm told what happened So I'm fucking waiting, I'm on the road On the road again And I'm in fucking Hollywood, Florida

Right? And all I'm thinking is, oh, the text message I'm gonna get Oh, it looks so great, it's so wonderful to come home to a nice clean house That looks like a fucking showroom And what do I get? I get a fucking videotape from you She's in the pantry Now evidently something went bad in the pantry

No Something didn't go bad in the pantry is just Some shit that's going down in the pantry There's some shit going down in the pantry So here's the deal It's going down in the pantry I'm here by myself I'm writing on the fucking show every night until 7 o'clock at night

I come home, my brain is fried I come home, I order a pizza I pour a scotch, I eat, and then I stare at the wall I go to bed and I get right back up And we stare at the next draft and the next script That's been my life So I didn't, in defense of me The one fucking place I didn't go into

So It was the pantry It was the pantry Stop saying it I don't like that word, I just realized Pantry? Pantry, stop saying it Why? What did you recall?

It's just, I don't know It's too close to panties in this food And I don't like when food and sex are combined Okay, no, I know you don't like that You think that's weird Oh, that nine and a half weeks When he's fucking her with all the groceries on her That just was like

Look, either eat or fuck Not together, you know? So anyways So She sends me this video She's like, baby How did you not see this? Right?

It just starts fucking Giving me all this shit I'm like, what the fuck? All right? And she pans up to the top Of the fucking ceiling And there was, what was it? There's larvae

Larvae? Little, yeah Little mobs Motal? What? It's an inside joke Oh Go ahead

Inside with who? With the fucking people listening to this Oh, okay When I do the advertising No, yeah There's all this larvae There's moths and stuff Because if there's a flower

That's been opened And it's not sealed up properly Or grains or cereal They'll create little mobs Like if you have fruit out for too long It'll make fruit flies So that was what was happening It doesn't make fruit flies

It attracts them No, it creates them from that I was just talking to the term next guy about it They just, I don't know Fruit flies come from apples? Listen, yeah Like if you have fruit and stuff out too long So an orange fucks an apple

And then fucking nine months later You get a fruit fly No, that's not There's no woman there That's making an apple No, Bill That's not what I mean It's not a fruit having sex

That's what I'm saying That's what you're saying You're saying they come from it No, I'm not saying that Listen, I don't know I'm not a fucking term next person But he would tell me What happens to those goddamn dirty moths

Fuck on those apples out in the orchard No And they plant their seed in there And then it comes out like alien Okay, Bill There's not any fruit in the pantry Okay You're pointing at me

We have grains I'm just staring at your crush right now It's so comfortable though My lower back is so comfortable right now Oh, you know what? I figured out a thing to get for you for that But anyway, we'll get back to that But if you have grains and cereals out

Exposed in like this little closed environment Where it gets warm It produces these larvae And little flies and moths and shit So that's what the guy just told me Well, he's not saying it right Well, how are you saying it? Are you saying it better?

I'm saying Please, like, tell me how you explain things And how clear it is when you explain things Okay, what I would say Is, like, you know, if you're having a cookout And you leave food out All of a sudden flies and ants show up But they don't come from the food

That's what he told me But you keep saying they're coming from the apples And it's confusing me I didn't say that again You said it came from apples I said nothing about apples And it comes from apples No, I did not say it came from apples

I'm fucking lying this It came from apples I would never say it came For you to start throwing apples into the mix I was trying to explain to you about grains and shit Alright, maybe you're right No, I was saying it's like fruit flies This is why I sucked in school

I can't even hear what you're saying Because you don't listen That's why you goddamn ADD You don't listen You don't listen And then you start saying things And you said them And then you attribute them to the other person

Like, it's so confusing to talk to you sometimes Because you don't listen Oh, it's so fucking hard It is hard How about we were just watching The Simpsons And you watched the entire episode And midway through it You were like, why is that happening?

And I'm like Where did the blue snake come from? Like a major plot point That had been explained Not even five minutes earlier But you don't pay attention Well, how about this? How about my fucking back is out

And I was in Jacksonville, Florida this morning How about that? What does that have to do with anything That we're talking about? Well, maybe I'm a little fucking, you know Not focusing on a fucking cartoon Okay, you're right You're such a baby when you travel to

Whenever you travel You fucking, for like one day You're like, oh my god I don't know how you do this And then it goes right out your fucking head And then the next Next time I'm coming back off the road You're like, oh, let's go, well

You know, Susie Fricassee He's having a fucking hoohah Down the fucking street You want to go to that? When I say no, you flip out at me I don't know what you're talking about You should do You know exactly what

You know who she is, too Susie Fricassee? Oh, yeah She's that broad down the next to the thing Alright, so whatever So she comes home and evidently There's some sort of bug horror movie And you know how

Infestation Infestation You know how the ladies react They don't like insects You know what I mean? They don't like insects You would not have enjoyed that The way men don't like cats

They hate those fucking things There's nothing better than a cool cat I like a cool cat That chills and lays in the fucking sun You know, I like their aloofness The ones that are not creeping up on you Yeah, I don't like that When they're practicing killing you

I don't like that You just look over and they're staring at you From the corner No, then they stop and try and play it off I don't like that they Stand on your chest In the morning Waking you up

I don't like they shit in a box And then you got to pick it up It's just too much It's too much Cleo shits just outside But we still got to pick it up I know, but I don't have to It's not in the house

True If you're going to shit in the house Go in the toilet I think some people can train their cats To shit in the toilet I don't know how, but Well, I can tell you how They can't communicate with other human beings

So they put all their energy into Yeah, like they got like that gift They have like an Asperger with cats Oh, I see what you mean Aspergers With cats With cats Some sort of

What's that thing they're always talking about nowadays Autism Autism, yeah, they're like Autistic with people, but Okay, all right They communicate with cats Just stop with the Mental

And they can like play an instrument No, no, no, just stop With the diagnosis of the mental illnesses Just stop right there, please What are you talking about? You're going to get angry tweets I'm not mocking any of that I'm making fun of people that put

You can't fucking say anything anymore Everybody gets all worried I know, I know Nia, I do benefits for all of those things All of those things I know Give up my free fucking time Some of your best friends are black

Oh, Jesus Christ I remember when things were funny Oh, it was so simple back in the day Yeah, it was You could just say shit And no one would say anything Fucking jerk off Didn't have some way

They could just spout about how fucking annoyed they are But everything else is fine As long as it doesn't come around in my world Can I just ask what the situation is here With the Ziploc bag? What about it? And how you're keeping your equipment stored? Yeah

Bill's got this cord And the little foamy part that you put on a The windscreen The windscreen And a couple of batteries An old Ziploc bag that's ripped And just doesn't even zip anymore Right

So I'm just wondering Why? Basically Because it still holds the things And if I just throw that thing out Another one's going to break And then that thing right there Is probably going to end up on the nose of a porpoise

And it's not going to be able to eat And it's going to die Because everything ends up in the ocean You know, they always say that Put litter in its place It's like the second All this shit that you throw out They're saying you don't pollute

We all pollute Do you take this on the road with you? It's not like I was having an idea that good I mean Do I take that on the road? You're just going to be babbling about something That you don't really know about I mean, I don't really feel like

I'm not missing anything So you take this on the road with you? Yes Alright I could maybe get you a nice Leather satchel Really? You got a skin of fucking cow? Because I already have one

It'll last longer than putting it in this ridiculous thing That's never going to biodegrade That thing That thing won't biodegrade That thing will be here somewhere In the dirt somewhere Hundreds of fucking years after we're gone Alright, I'm just saying

You can have a nice way to carry your things It doesn't look like, you know The bag that we used to use for sandwiches What is your fascination with just buying shit? What do you mean? Fascination with buying shit? Obsession? I mean, look at this

Look at this that you're carrying this thing in I really wish you guys could see The Ziploc bag right now It's a mess A man of your stature should not be carrying around Your podcast equipment In an old past What did you just say?

A man of my stature Fucking two seconds ago I was a fucking moron You can be both And now cause you Two shade from Nene So who do you like tonight? Who, who we got?

St. Louis Blues Meet me in St. Louis, Louis Versus who? The Dallas Stars Formerly the Minnesota North Stars Are these hockey teams? Yes, they are Oh, if they're not like

The Kings or the Bruins I don't really know Oh yeah, what are your feelings About the Kings and the Bruins? Well, if it came down to it I would be a Bruins fan Because I'm from Boston Oh, you're just saying who you're going to root for?

Yeah, but the rest of them I don't know Those are my two I like both teams But I just, I started pulling for the Blues Because the Blues have been in the league since 1966 Well, who's getting who? Cause the Bruins didn't make the playoffs

So I was like, alright I gotta pick somebody And I'm not gonna jump on the Blackhawks and Kings bandwagon Cause they're always in it So I'm gonna go for an underdog And I was like, well the Blues They've been around since 1967

So the Minnesota North Stars But the people in Dallas Haven't been rooting that long But I really like the players and shit I like Dallas But I've been rooting for I'm babbling over here A little bit, yeah

St. Louis I'll relax Is there gonna be a Kings game That we can go to? Cause I really enjoyed going to that Those two Kings games we went to That's fun They got bounced out

They're done What do you mean bounced out? They got beaten by the San Jose Sharks Oh, so they're not in it? It's over It's over for them The Stanley Cup Playoffs, there you go

They lost in the first round What about the Bruins? We didn't make it We were Oh, well then I don't get shit Well, we over Well, we overachieved throughout the year Because at least as far as I was concerned

We'll do fuck am I But I mean with the players that we had And every day we got rid of I thought we were just gonna be trying To figure out who the fuck everybody was For half the season And then maybe, you know I don't know

What about the Toronto Blue Jays? Is that a hockey team? What happened was We were gonna be making the playoffs And everybody was all bunched together We looked a fucking third seed Then we had a West Coast trip And we got a fucking asses kicked

And it all went away And then Flyer and Red Wing fans Talked shit about, you know Haha, you didn't make the playoffs And they both got the right there Fred in the first fucking round So I enjoyed that Okay, well the Toronto Blue Jays

Is that a hockey team? Nope, that's baseball Oh The Toronto Maple Leafs The Maple Leafs got the first pick In the draft Who are the Raptors? Are they a hockey team?

Nope Who are they? They're a basketball team Oh, Jesus Keep saying this shit You know what? And then I'll do You pick something else

That I don't know anything about We'll see who's more right What are you into that you know about? Did I just say that? Is that a question? What are you into that you know about? I know Fashion

Okay Go ahead Oh, Jesus What's the name of the guy Who makes fun of fat people? He used to be fat Oh That's not Alexander Wang

Is it? No Is that Michael Richards? Is it Michael Kors? No He's German Is it Paul Mitchell? And he is the head of a very, very

Like the most famous fashion house in the world It's not Versace Because he got shot by that guy Yes No, it's not Versace It's not Chanel Because I was a chicken She's dead

Right But She has an apartment in Paris That you can go into If you're skinny enough Right But you're closed You're getting there

Chanel is right Chanel is the right fashion house The person who you're talking about Is the head creative director For Chanel He looks like a war criminal Right He's German

Oh, there you go And why were they war criminals, Nia? Because they lost We would have just as many people Going to fucking Nuremberg We really would have Okay Dresden

Carl Lagerfeld Ah, fuck Remember when we saw him The last time we were in Paris In the cab And I started freaking out Because I saw Carl Lagerfeld Walking down the street in Paris

He's a cool looking dude, man He is He's a vampire looking dude He's a vampire Vampire war criminal Absolutely Old queen looking dude Yep, pretty much

That's him Alright Name a sports team Go ahead I'll name one You tell me what it is The yellow jackets Somebody

Did I make that up? Yellow jackets I feel like that was a high school I feel like that was a fucking fusion band Nevermind What about the Wait a minute, no That's like Wake Forest or something

That's a college basketball team There's some sort of jackets The Grizzlies? Who are the Grizzlies? Toronto Michigan It's someplace cold That would have grizzly bears

So it's not going to be a southern team Good guess, but they moved They were initially in Vancouver Oh, okay It's the Midwestern kind of thing They were initially in Vancouver And then they went to another in Memphis Oh, so the Memphis Grizzly

And for some dumb reason They kept the name Kind of like when the New Orleans Jazz Moved to Utah The whitest fucking place ever And the Utah Jazz You'll never see any jazz Or hear any jazz in Utah

I wouldn't think so There are no jazz clubs in Utah Yeah, it's like the New Orleans Mormons New Orleans Mormons Yeah, New Orleans Mormons I like that name better All right, well, we enjoyed you here, Nia Oh, I'm done

I don't know Your phone's ringing Oh, god Oh, look who it is I know, I gotta call her back Are you done with me? Are you wrapping up the podcast? Did you answer questions?

No, but you can come back for that I'm actually kind of tired So I think I'm gonna leave Oh, nice reversal I kicked you off And then you were like No, let me come back And then you tell me to go fuck myself

You know what? I enjoy that I respect that So I just came on to tell the larvae story Larvae, larvae, and then leave a Get out of here So I can straighten out my legs And fucking give my

I feel like Kennedy right now Are you even able to do a podcast In the upright position anymore? This is why I married you This is the type of compassion That I've come to expect from you You're such a fucking baby I tough my way through all of this shit

I never see doctors I don't take medicine That's because you're dumb Not because you're tough It's because you're dumb People think they're so tough Because they don't go to the hospital They don't go to doctors

They don't take medicine No, you're dumb We have advances in our society I am dumb And you don't take advantage of them I am dumb, but I'm tougher than you You're a baby So fine

Be tough all you want But like be smart and tough Go to the doctor If you're so tough Go to the doctor And hear what they have to say This feels like the turning point In like an after-school special

Yeah, well, I'm getting there Be tough by going to the doctor And hearing what they have to say That's real toughness That's real talk That's real talk, son Alright, I'm out of here Nene out

I'm sorry, I had to I enjoyed when you come out I like I missed you, baby Huh? Alright, get out of here Don't say, huh, you heard me Listen, I went out

You know why I don't go to fucking doctors And all that shit Why? Because doctors, they practice medicine They practice on you They don't have shit down And one of the things That they still don't know a lot about

They call it a practice But it's not like they don't mean it Like they're practicing Like you sit in here practicing drums And they don't know Like you sit in here practicing drums You know that's not the same thing They went to medical school

I understand that So why are you taking that word so literally? Have you ever seen Lars Ulrich play live? He practices He fucks up all the time with Metallica Oh, my God Nia, I'm telling you That's what it means

You practice medicine And then you learn off other people Just look how much better hair plugs have got Look how much better they're getting With the fucking, you know, cutting-party eye out And then you can see better You told me you were going to go to a doctor To figure out what was happening with your leg

Okay Well, I know what it is I know you think I know you think you know what it is But can you please go to a doctor And so it doesn't become a chronic issue Can I finish so? And then when you're, you know, 50

Which is Can I, can I finish? Not that far away Can I finish? You can be You can have some sort of handle on it Nia, one of the things that they know The least about is the back

Okay And I'm just, I'm just not going to Just go to a fucking chiropractor I'm going to find somebody, you know Who has a good reputation If not just fucking opening people up It isn't fine, because I wasn't done talking You always jump in

Because you're suggesting that I just want you To go to some random-ass clinic I was just joking around I was joking around Well, I'm holding you to this Because you said you were going to do it So Are you going to do it?

Um I don't know, I'm feeling pretty good I don't like going to this I don't like going to the doctor the way I don't like going to the fucking mall Just the whole idea Going over there and parking And just the whole fucking thing

I know, I know Can you feel me shall Make sure you show up 15 minutes before Oh, yeah, I'll be there See you then I know, but once it's done, it's done You know, my first show in Hollywood, Florida There was a couple of ladies

In the front row We're asking if you were there Because they needed relationship advice Oh, yeah? You know Yeah, they were like How come we don't have boyfriends? No, they didn't say that

Yes, that's what they said Someone actually wrote me And asked me about you proposing And actually, that's what I wanted to do I wanted to talk about this email I got Should we do it today or should we do it Thursday? No, who the fuck is writing you And how the fuck are they writing you?

Because they write Mike Because of my website TenderHeadedFilms.com Oh, Jesus So they were writing me Because remember, I was going to do a podcast All those years ago And I just never did it

No, they wrote this whole thing about How did you get a guy who was so Anti-marriage to propose And all that kind of stuff And how did it happen And did I propose? No, I did not propose Bill proposed to me

And all that stuff Ben, I want you to write I wore him down Excuse me? I wore him down? No, no See, this is why we have to talk about it Because that's some bullshit

No, we don't Don't even put that out there I'm just making a joke Will you fucking relax? I will leave you down You love me, you missed me You told your larvae story Now, one thing about show business

Is you leave them wanting more So get your fucking cute ass out of here All right, goodbye I want to talk about that story, though I want to answer my question Oh, we all want to do things in life Beat it Goodbye

Hit the road, Jack Don't you come back No more, no more, no more, no more Hit the road, Nene Yeah, so that's what I came up to She fucking shows me this big goddamn thing About all the fucking I mean, granted, as much as I'm going to bitch it

It was a bunch of fucking larvae I swear to God She says it comes from apples And flowers Not flower And flower being left out in grains Whatever You know what?

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And on to the rest Of the bullshit I had the worst fucking Keeps a good guy But I had a bad cab Driving way back From the fucking airport Use one of those

One of those people That can't keep A consistent speed You know So they make your car sick And what was hilarious Was he was driving A Prius

And the way he was driving This thing I would be surprised If he was getting Eight miles per gallon He just kept doing that Wah Wah

Just stomping glide I just amaze me Some people Like how they cannot hear You can't hear the engine You know You can't hear The fucking RPMs

Going through the roof You don't understand That is wasting fuel I know You know How bad those cabbies Get fucked over You think that

He would be concerned About something You think if you drove For a fucking living You'd have an understanding Of how a fucking engine Works It was so fucking annoying

It actually It just kind of Just became funny And he was a really Nice guy But I know Some people Like

It's almost It's like they're driving With a fake foot You know Or a mechanical foot It's either on Or off There's no

Consistency of speed This guy He just kept going up To like 65 70 miles an hour And then glide back down To like You know

52 Of course I'm looking At my fucking phone So I'm starting to get sick It was a shit show An absolute Fucking shit show Oh you know

When I went to Florida By the way I landed in Miami Every time I landed To Miami You immediately start seeing All these beautiful women I just hear

Tony Montana's voice going The city is like One big Pussy waiting to get Fucked And I was trying to Bait Nia into those two women That were sitting in the

Front row To get into that Fucking conversation But She didn't buy the bait She didn't take the bait Cause they were like Why don't we have

Boyfriends You know And you should have seen them Cause you I don't know Cause you guys You're not wearing any clothes That'd be the one thing

As beautiful as you are No guy wants to Put up with that You gotta walk down The street like some Overprotective dog Hey hey hey hey Keeping everybody away

Everybody's One of them was Barely wearing a shirt Granted I wasn't complaining For where I was standing From But I mean

It just seemed kind of obvious You know what I mean You gotta cover up The goods a little bit I mean I would say That to Madonna I don't know if she's Having somebody right now

But Madonna is in Fucking unbelievable shape For her age And if she would Just put on something Elegant You know what I mean Instead of rolling around

With half a fucking Pussy lip hanging out I don't know why She does that She said something late You know She did yet another Like her whole

Fucking career has been Like one big publicity stunt After another You know I'm wearing a Wedding dress But I'm fingering myself At the fucking award show

Right You know Right from there And then I'm working And now I'm trying to fuck Them

It's just Paint by numbers Shock And what's funny Is I actually Like her music For the line Feel like I'm

Going to lose My mind I just keep You know That's actually How I threw out my back Doing that Molly ring

Walt dance Anyways Yeah And then She goes on Letterman She says Fuck 50,000 times

She does After another So her latest one Was she showed up To a movie theater Movie premiere Or whatever the fuck I don't know who the fuck

Knows what it was You know Some fundraiser To get toothbrushes To some fucking Gods for sake and place So she shows up And she literally

Has her titties And her ass out Like a see-through dress And she of course says Well What I'm doing is I'm challenging the boundaries And of course women

You know Gotta drag all that bullshit Like no You're 57 Okay Nobody wants to look at that Okay Like

At my age I am Well into Put on a fucking sport coat Nobody wants to see it It's just Yeah You're not pushing any boundaries

It's just It's a You know You're having a little bit Of a midlife crisis I think she looks fucking great But she'd look way better She fucking just

You know You know Put on Put on a fucking dress Fucking you don't I don't know But then again I saw Iggy Pop

And he wasn't wearing a shirt But I don't find Guys aren't like attractive It was just sort of funny to me Not funny I just was Just him not giving a fuck So I guess if she just said

Look I don't give a fuck I just felt like having my ass And titties hanging out I wouldn't have a problem with that But the fact that she's sitting there Trying to say that No, no, wait a minute

I think she might be right Maybe she is right Hey, Nia Come here You gotta answer this question There's a chance I might become enlightened And understand Madonna more

Until she comes here I'll sing I'll sing some of her My favorite songs by her Bad boy No, bad girl Home by six Hey, pick up the mic

I got a question for you Now you want me back Yep, that's like that street joke I told you, right? What? When I heard Jackie the joke man tell The one about the gorilla? No, the one with the fucking

Because I like that one The married guy He's walking out of the house And his wife's yelling at him Go get the fuck out of here Get the fuck out I never want to see you again So he's walking away

She goes, I hope you die A long, slow, miserable death And he turns around and he goes Oh, what, now you want me back? That's a stupid joke Just reminding me of that Anyway, I could have told it better But I just got off playing

Jackie the joke man tells it way better All right, so Madonna recently Bored alive She showed up at some fucking You know, raise awareness thing I don't know what it was It was a carpet She showed up

And she had her butt cheeks out And her titties out Okay, this was the met ball That happens every year in New York City And that's for the Mets? Yes, it is Go Mets But it's just for one of them?

I know, it's for the fucking museum The hacky date Every fucking person in their 20s Goes on in New York And Madonna Let's go to a museum It's a big gala Only the creme did a creme darling

I'm invited So Ralph Lauren pretends to fall And he sniffs her butt on the way down Is that what happens? What? You know, those super rich people They're all freaks, aren't they? I guess

Wasn't that the point of Eyes Wide Shut? I don't know what the point of Eyes Wide Shut was What happened was Stanley Kubrick died He died halfway through I saw a great fucking movie on the plane Called The Insiders It's a movie made by Some Korean director man

It was fucking phenomenal Oh Really enjoyed it Okay Had one of the best fucking fight scenes The Insiders? I've seen Because the guy was missing a hand

You know, so he had to like fucking You know Everybody knew what hand he was throwing Right? And it was multiple attackers It was the shit I almost gave it a standing ovation on the plane If it was pre-911

I could have done it But I started to do it And they were like Sir, why are you being hostile? I had to sit down Okay It's another freedom lost So anyways

So fucking Madonna shows up Uh-huh Yeah, I saw her Okay So she says That she's trying to fucking push the boundaries of whatever The fucking sex and that type of thing Yeah

Okay So I was going like Come on, you're 57 No one wants to see me without a shirt on Granted, she's in better shape than I am But like, you know I'm in my sport coat years Like, you know, covered up there freckles

Right? So what I'm saying is You're in your sport coat years? Yeah, yeah Yeah, you get to a certain point You get in your 40s and stuff like that Women dress elegantly And men dress like gentlemen

Yeah, I like that In other words Yeah, you cover up You know, the fucking battle scars Of what you've been through Okay Too many fucking wine and cheese plates No, what I'm saying is

So I was saying Madonna just put on a nice dress She could look really elegant Yeah That's not really her vibe Yeah, I know I know, but you know something It's like

Like, look Who's kidding who? Michael Jackson If he was still alive The short pants with the glitter socks It's like, come on, dude At some point you got to update the look What is your point with this whole Madonna thing?

So I was saying that But then I was like Wait a minute But when I saw Iggy Pop With no shirt on I thought it was badass That he didn't give a fuck So that's bullshit

So I should be actually applauding Madonna Wow, look at you See that? That's not That's nice Okay, I was going to say You were going like, wow, look at you You're really not as dumb

So my apologies to Madonna Bored of lies Feels like I'm showing off my behind Take it, look at my fucking 57-year-old titties She's not 57 She's my age We're 10 years apart So she's 57-

Wait, what? Madonna's 57 years old Yes she is She was born the same year as Prince Oh, shit No, same year as Michael Jackson Michael Jackson was 58 Prince was 58

I think Madonna was 58 I never know how old Madonna is And that was like in 19- She's 57, oh my god, you're right She's going to be 58, right? I had no idea In August, yeah, she'll be 58 So 1958, as far as music goes

Was kind of like 1943 1943 was Janice Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Jim Morrison All born 1943 And then they all died in 1970 And then people started to understand drugs And you know, bringing a jump rope on the road And maybe becoming a vegan So now they live longer

Michael made it to 50 Prince made it to 57 Madonna's still going Okay, right, so All of them, in their own way Kind of went on stage with their ass hanging out, right? Um, okay Where are you going with this music?

Nowhere, I gotta fill up an hour Okay, I want to do some questions here Okay So you brought me in to Show me that you've evolved In seeing your own double standards When it comes to aging women And showing their bodies

Yeah, and you know, double standard Also works with women The way they look at guys In certain situations too You guys aren't like perfect No one has claimed me to be perfect Okay, well the media just seems To cover your complaints

And then this just When will you ever have a voice? Thank God you have this podcast I know, no one would hear me Listen, Nia, you gotta understand The world doesn't live with me They don't have the privilege Of living with me the way you do

So I need to do this once a week That's a fucking beautiful watch Who got you that? You did That's right Asshole Really? Response to stinky German

From last week So this poor bastard He's German, right? Yes And so he lives in Germany He's old school Okay He didn't leave and try to be like

Hey, I wasn't part of that Hitler thing Right, I got it He still lives in Germany Yeah, his grandparents Said, you know, I don't know if it's me But this guy's making a lot of sense So Because

So because Of the mistakes of his Four fathers and mothers The gods have cursed him That he just sort of smells a little musty And he tries showering He does all this shit He doesn't know what the fuck to do

So evidently there's this other musty guy Formerly musty guy Heard about this Okay Does he look into his diet? Yeah, we talked about that In halitosis Maybe you have a fucking

Sinus infection I don't know what But he just He just smells bad Yeah, no matter how much he showers So this guy says Anywhere's deodorant? Yeah

It was quite a mystery Boy, I'll tell you what So this person's in response to this This is a formerly musty person So I hope this helps the The sauerkraut Oh, Jesus Jesus

Yes Woo That is my best fucking pun ever I'm sorry, but that shit was great Alright, that was pretty good That was good That was good I'll give you that, that was good

Alright, I'm gonna I'm gonna He said I'm gonna and keep this simple Because we all know of your reading issues What I admittedly have I've been a fan for years But this is the first time I feel the need To chime in on something

Last week you read a question From a German guy That had a musty body odor And did not know what to do about it He said growing up I dealt with the same bullshit That poor sap is going through I always smelled musty

I could not wash it away No matter how often I showered This is brutal I feel bad for these people I tried everything And finally realized It was antiperspirant For some weird reason

My body reacted when I put it on And I smelled musty I actually stopped wearing deodorant For a few weeks in the winter So I did not smell like a complete savage After that period of time I began wearing deodorant only Skipping all brands with antiperspirant

Happily the stinky musty odor went away Hope this works, you stinky fuck Love the podcast, your comedy And f is for family And go fuck yourself Yeah, so basically what I got from that Is maybe his body is having reaction To something that he is using

I don't know Because your body should sweat It's the way to keep you cool That's the whole point of sweating So antiperspirant I know maybe people who sweat excessively They don't want to be sweating Through their clothes or something

So I don't know But it sounds like that person Should go to a doctor Well they haven't been able To figure out what's going on And he's in Germany too And those guys don't fuck around Over there

They're very efficient Yeah, no, I'm sure Oh yeah, cars, the trains The rocket side trick, you know Everybody could just forgive them For that one crazy 10 year period They got a little sideways They'll never live it down

No They can't Sorry You know what, it's on video That's why You know, other countries can do shit And it happened before Like a certain something that happened in 1915

That we always see advertised My vote, dear Bill On Capitol Hill I don't know what you're talking about Well, you should You know what? If there was movie cameras around You would

Movie cameras? Yep, motion picture things Have you ever heard of Vermin Supreme? He's been on, I don't believe That this is somebody's name I'm gonna look this up Before you guys make a fool of me

Which is not hard to do Why don't you read it first? Because then I start commenting And then halfway through I realize it's a prank phone call Vermin Supreme It's coming up Vermin Supreme

Vermin Supreme is an American Performance artist and activist Who has run as a candidate In various local states Okay, let me see what's up with this guy Okay, I never heard of this guy He's been on the ballot in New Hampshire And his platform has a lot to do

With dental health He also has a plan in place For the zombie apocalypse Which involves setting up Thousands of treadmills To put the zombies on To help power the new world He wears a giant boot on his head

Oh, I've seen this fucking guy, the boot That's right And carries around a rubber toothbrush Here's an article on him He also has promised free ponies For everyone Ooh So he's a whack job

I don't know if he's a whack job Because that's a really funny joke though The zombies on the treadmills Are you looking them up Or are you texting? I was looking at Madonna photos Okay, we're back here? No, we've moved on

We've moved on But I just was still looking at photos I'm here Papa, don't preach I'm in trouble Papa, don't preach Do you know any new Madonna songs? And I feel

I just said, I'm sorry I did my fucking I did to myself Do you need to do your vocal warm-ups? Yeah, this was not a good look At the Met Ball It was just, yeah Oh, ladies

Can we just stick together? First of all, just because a woman Is criticizing another woman That I just got something I feel Home Right? Yeah, home But no, I'm not being catty

She just It's just so thirsty It's just, I don't And I love Madonna But this is just too much Are you done? Yeah, I'm done It makes me sad

I'm sure her kids enjoy it Wife's family is a bunch of dramatic babies Oh, God You're the baby Here we go Hey, Bill, I'm sick of this election I hope Trump wins I know he's a jerk

But I hate Hillary And I think Bernie is a nice guy Without a clue He says a lot of great things But he's going to raise taxes He talks about making college free But his taxes will make it hard Nothing is free

Yeah, that's never gonna happen But nothing, you know, free healthcare It's not free Yeah Somebody's got to fucking pay for it He talks about making college free But his taxes will make it harder For people like me

To pay my student loans I make 95 grand a year I have a kid 100 grand in student loans Between me and my wife We live comfortably But if you take another $2,500 to $4,000 for me a year

I will feel it Yeah, definitely I'm already only netting 60 What is the fuck is all of this? Yeah, what's the point? The family is a bunch of dramatic babies All right, blah, blah, blah Okay, so we're getting to

We're getting to his family here somewhere Okay I'm not opposed to giving money To help people who need it But when is enough enough A trillion dollars on dumb shit every year And you need more from me Fuck off Bernie

I love how he's blaming Bernie You know, Bernie didn't create The fucking situation He's trying to get us out of it, I guess I don't know if it's going to work I don't think, I mean, I don't know People work with the guy, but Oh, God, what a fucking decision this year

So I make this point to my wife My wife's family I didn't yell I didn't say fuck off Bernie I just said I don't think we The people should have to give more money If they're wasting the money They already get

Well, my wife's family lost their shit They said that I'm selfish And that if I vote for Trump I'm endorsing hate and greed and fascism Really? Question mark? They endorsed Obama And I have a problem with him

Hatefully blowing up kids And wedding parties with drones Why doesn't that make them hateful? They then went on to talk about For 30 minutes about hate And how they were scared about What would happen to the country And they're scared about how

Children will grow up in a country With, and I quote, Hitler Minus the concentration camps I told him that comparing an ego maniac to Hitler Is unfair to the victims of the Holocaust It trivializes the actual evil of Hitler And embodied her mother and father Were both taken aback and said

That my way of thinking could potentially Be dangerous to their grandchildren What period the fuck period Is going period on period Well, you dope You fucking opened up your big fucking mouth About politics You're so dumb to talk about politics

No, he is, and he's young, he doesn't know Well, now you know And how did you learn? How did you learn? And how did I learn? By bringing it up By doing that, yeah This is the deal

So that's fair, but yeah You know you can't talk about Politics and religion and shit like that Those are things that don't work I'm gonna say it got really heated Right before they said that shit Well, you can't, and also You just, you can't

I don't know, you gotta be If you really are going to vote for Trump I just, I think there's only Certain sections of the United States Where you could say that Where you'll get a, yeah, I get it Oh, well tell me more about your opinion I feel like if you say

You know what, fuck this, I'm voting for Trump Most people are gonna be like Are you fucking kidding me? So I'm not surprised at that, but No, I actually got a lot of shit When I was, I made fun of them When, you know, I got some shit for it For making fun of Trump?

Yeah From who? People who support Trump Well, okay, fine Yeah, believe it or not I know, he has a lot more than I thought Remember when he was first talking about running And we were both like

This is never gonna happen This is a joke, this is ridiculous And now here we are And he's like the only Republican left standing So, I mean, I guess I underestimated him Yeah, he's like the Lester City He's like the Lester City of politicians But here's the thing though

So basically his family I also think, but I think like You know, Hillary Clinton is the fucking devil Because she's acting like she gives a fuck And she's, you know She's one of those Bilderberg people I don't like her I like Bernie, out of all of them

I like Bernie Sanders I just don't think anybody's gonna fucking work with Well, the California primary is coming up So he's not thrown in the towel yet Bernie, Bernie Well, we gotta vote in the primary I have to vote for a person that I feel Is actually, truly gives a shit

About regular people And that would be him Whether he's gonna be successful or not And I know what a lot of people are saying Like, oh, you're fucking my man You're gonna put Trump in office I've always voted for the fucking third wheel Every fucking goddamn time

Well, when the primary happens We gotta vote for him That's the only way that he'll stand Listen, I don't have to do anything that you say But I don't know what I'm gonna do So basically this guy's in-laws Do you know what we just did? Do you know what we just did?

What's that? We just did what this guy did Which is what? We just fucking talked politics And gave endorsements to Bernie Sanders We shouldn't have done that I still haven't made up my mind that I'm gonna do that Why are we...

We're giving endorsement just by talking about it? By saying that you're gonna do it Well, that's how I feel We're like that guy that, fuck We're like those people that you see on Facebook And they go, hey, do you know me? I pretend to be a doctor on a soap opera And I think this is who you should vote for

I apologize for that, people I tried not to say that Yeah, no, we're not endorsing anybody We're... Well, let's just leave it I'll tell you what, I'm endorsing A nice fucking cold butt wiser When I sit down to watch Game 5

That's what I endorse So what does he wanna know? He's just sort of like, what the hell? Now my in-laws don't want me to have children with my wife Because they think I'm evil And they're gonna... I'm gonna raise little evil trumps of my own children My thing about Trump is his fucking...

Lack of compassion for fucking people I sit there and say, take his coat You're like riling people up Like that was just... Of course, he says the most... He says really, really awful things But the thing I like about him is He lets me know that they actually count the votes

Because no super rich people want that fucking guy And I always thought for years My conspiracy theorist is like They don't count these fucking things They just, oh, it's pretty fucking close And they put the money on both horses And then they're fucking fine But the fact that he's actually doing well

He's speaking to a lot of people out there needy He's gonna build a wall And he's gonna have the people he's walling in pay for it I don't know He's talking mad shit I don't know I feel like all those years of watching the apprentice And the celebrity apprentice are now coming back to bite me in the ass

When he tried to find a CEO for a company that doesn't exist It's all coming back to bite me in the ass I've been supporting him this whole entire time I'm partly to blame for this bullshit So what is this kid saying? Well, look, he can't be a complete moron What is this kid saying? What is this kid saying?

What is his point? He just is... No, he's just saying, what the fuck? So I was, we just... Well, you will not talk about politics anymore Around your in-laws I don't tell you that much But then he said, looking forward to seeing you in Dublin

Myself and some friends will be coming from Belfast Well, I'm gonna be doing Belfast too So you don't even... You are? Yeah, you don't even need to do that Yeah, we're putting together the dates Like, I'm definitely doing Dublin Definitely doing Belfast

So exciting Yeah, I'm doing a little 10-day tour over there Because it's not a good time to go to Scandinavia this time of year Because they actually have sunlight and it's warm out Okay So, yeah When I usually... Well, because they're gonna want to be outside

Okay Yeah, but if you go in December and it's already fucking dark Yeah, they go to movies and stuff still though, I would imagine Just because it's sunlight most of the time Doesn't mean they don't... Alright, why would I listen to the promoters over there? I'll listen to them Alright, alright, alright, sorry

When is this happening? I'm gonna go It's gonna be happening I think it's gonna start on the 31st and it's gonna go into August Very excited about that Exciting things are happening I love Ireland You know I love the people of Ireland

Hey, look who you're with A little potato face himself here Advice with neighbors, emotionally German though Almighty Billy... I actually don't even know that because I have never done the whole... But you've always said that You're always like a more German than Irish Because I am

German Irish Catholic Doesn't get... Podcaster Doesn't get any whiter Doesn't get any dumber than that Podcaster doesn't get any whiter Alright, Almighty Billy Balbank Alright, advice with neighbors

Question, I live in an apartment complex here In the lovely state of Oklahoma And I have this neighbor who lets her dog out on her balcony Every morning somewhere between the hours of 4 and 5 a.m. The dog barks aggressively for hours afterward Of course It wakes me up Poor thing

The dog, that is What about this poor bastard here? And this poor... Or lady Oklahomaan Oklahomaan? Oklahomaan? I don't know

Where am I? Oklahoma homosexual? No? No Isn't that one of the characters on your Nashville show? I want to write a song with you About us The gay cowboy on your Nashville?

The gay cowboys Cutting-edge character That's the first gay cowboy ever In primetime In primetime? Yes, I believe so In primetime, yeah During the lunch hour It was just littered with them when I was growing up

Those people on Captain Kangaroo Right? Ernie and Bert Doesn't know what they said All those guys, right? Alright, question I live in an apartment complex here In the lovely state of Oklahoma

Okay, yeah, the dog barks aggressively for hours It wakes me up And I have to go to... I have to work at 8 a.m. I filed complaints after an altercation In which I went out and screamed Shut your fucking dog up Before I make you shut him up

Was that your opening line? Or something along those lines My message has not been heard By the apartment cunts And she continues to let the dog out What should I do? Sincerely, a blue-collared working man Just trying to get some fucking sleep

Who's your super? Also, St. Louis Blues Gave the stars a fucking Molly-wapping today I hope you watched it I miss that Well, fuck, you're in... You're in Oklahoma, man

You know what you need to do Take out your side iron Hey, hey, hey, hey Yeah, take the fucking dog out What's the bill? Blah! Don't even joke about that Put it with rubber bullets

Don't even joke about that Who's your super? No, you put rubber bullets in the gun And every time the dog barks Every time the dog barks You shoot it in its ass Stop it And it starts...

Oh, when I bark and then it'll shut up No, you can't do that You would get arrested for that So why don't I call your... Then I would just go down I would buy a month's worth of cube steaks All right? Why does the dog shit and piss on the balcony?

Is that why she's letting it out there? Because that's gross I don't know, but that is so fucking Not acceptable Because you know what's probably... The fucking dog gets up at 4 or 5 a.m. And it's keeping her up Or him up

So they put... Oh, my God No, it's... You gotta call the landlord or something Oh, wait, did he say that they're not paying attention At the... Like, what did he say? It's not going over well

With the people in the apartment Well, he has a... She just has a neighbor I can't... I don't think that... Oh, it's an apartment complex Yeah, you gotta say something to the management company Well, look, there's no fucking way

He's the only person that's annoyed by this Of course I would go around And I would get a bunch of signatures And then I would, you know Try to have everybody all get together And say, uh... That bitch needs to shut the other bitch up

Oh, Cleo! Oh, snookoms What's up? Yes, little baby How are you? It's time for this one, probably, to go out Speaking of all that All right, will you do that?

Well, I will wrap up the podcast here No, you take it around I took over twice already Um, hey I was at Jacksonville this morning That's my, uh... That's my excuse All right, well, that's gonna be the, uh...

Go lay down Wait, so we didn't offer any advice Besides your horrible, joking advice, of course I just said you'd get a bunch of signatures You can get... Not signatures are not gonna do shit You gotta go to the management company And be like, this dog is barking

At four or five in the morning, every morning No, he said he already did that Oh, and they're not paying attention He said he's in this fucking, uh... So what do you think signatures are gonna do? Any technology you'd like to hear about? No, that's not it Oh, wait, I missed one

He said, uh, I live in an apartment complex The dog barks, I filed complaints Yeah, like, nothing's happening Um, that sucks So you have to do this thing I'm not gonna pay my fucking rent There you go I'm not paying my rent until you get this woman

To shut this damn dog up Yeah, because that's not fair Yeah, how about that? I don't know how long she's lived there That sounds like something an older person would do To just, like, put their dog out On a balcony And just let it bark all morning

Because it probably goes out, takes a piss Takes your shit, and then wants to come inside And meanwhile, the owner has gone back to sleep All right, well, obviously I was joking You don't shoot at the dog No, you don't That's right, Cleo Here's the other one

All right, virtual reality headset blowjob All right, I know you hate technology But would like to hear your opinion on this My girlfriend half jokingly promised me A double blowjob for my 30th birthday I do not expect this to happen But I have been joking with her That the date is approaching

And she should have a girl lined up, etc I have also been talking about Virtual reality slash VR headset As I'm thinking of getting one I don't know what that is Yeah, what is that? She asked me the other day Would I be able to watch porn through it

I said yes She then said, instead of the double buy Why don't you wear the headset And I can give you normal Buy while watching a porno Wait, what are you saying? Buy? Oh, BJ

Yeah Oh, you know what? It was underlined in red So I couldn't see the bottom part I was like, why does this buy? Oh, my God Your reading skills are atrocious Yeah, and buy would actually mean

That there would be a guy and a girl doing it I was thinking about Like his girlfriend would be like buy Because she was down there with another chick I am stupid See this people? You two could be successful in life Yours dumb as me

She then instead of a double BJ Let me read this again Wow Why don't you wear a headset And I can give you a normal BJ While watching a porno Why can't you do that now with a TV? Crazy

Because I feel like when they That's some weird tron Futuristic shit When you put it on Is this opening Pandora's box Or is this the way For VR to be seen As a techie sex toy

You are really asking the wrong person that question You know Bill doesn't know what the fuck Looking forward to seeing you in Dublin Myself and some friends will be coming From Belf Oh, that was the one Okay Is this the same?

No, I read the ending to the other one To that one And it was weird because the ending Was in front of the other one Oh fuck you And fuck everybody else Yeah, it's all funny It's all fun and games

Until I stop podcasting Oh I've had enough of this Sensitive BB No, I'm not I don't care It is a slippery slope But I feel like that could be really kind of cool

Does she get to do it too? Like does she get to watch some porn While you like go down on her? That would be really trippy It would be trippy But the thing is then Then when it ends up happening is Is then you end up getting like

That disconnect Right And now you don't want to do anything Unless one of you is wearing the helmet Yeah Then it's like Then it's weird Oh my god, I have to like see you

So that's like It's a dangerous Yeah Yeah, that's like one of those things like Do you think I could do heroin once And like Be alright with that? No, I saw something

Trying to think where I saw it Saw what? In one of those Asian countries Because they're always ahead of us They have better cell phones There was a guy trying out Like a virtual reality sex suit Which I had a bit on this thing

In like the late 90s When I first heard that they were going to do that And by the way The fact that you haven't already Called me out going like But Bill, how did you just stumble upon this? I'm dead honest with I was waiting for the rest of the story

Because I felt like there was more to this It could have been while I was watching Internet porn Probably Yeah, but they don't have advertising Advertisers for that It was like a story Yeah, they do

On the side of the thing They have all those And how do you know that? Yeah Right back at you Moving right along So, yeah, but they don't have ads like that Right, that's true

Well, this is what it was It looked like a fucking dude He was like in like a mummy suit It was hilarious It looked like he was all wrapped up in toilet paper That's how I remember it Because it was so horrifying It was one of those things

Whatever I was looking at That then came up and I went Ah! Right, he was And it looked like His hands went to his side He had on the fucking You know, I'm old and I can't see anymore

Those glasses Those cataract glasses Cataract glasses From the drugstore Yeah, so he had on those I think he was all wrapped up Because he didn't want anybody to see who he was Maybe that's what it was

Okay And then there was this thing Obviously his dick was in it Oh my god And it just the same way your hand would be going Like bang bang bang bang against yourself It was this thing It was the most fucked up thing ever

Wait, would you ever use one of those flesh bot things? You know how porn stars? They get a mold of their vagina? No, those things are so fucking gross You would never try it? I think those things are so fucking gross I wonder what they A long time ago I did somebody's podcast

I'm not gonna say who, but people who listen to podcasts Know who's He had one of those things And it looked like some Jeffrey Dahmer body part Oh, I think I know automatically who you're talking about Just sitting I don't think you do Oh, okay

Because I know who you're gonna guess But it wasn't that person No, it just looked like And did he say that it didn't feel like a real It can't feel like a real vagina obviously But like It's just It's

I can't believe that it doesn't Like shit like that Doesn't cause you to either be like Become like a necrophiliac or some sort of person Necrophiliac Why would it make you be a necrophiliac? Because you're fucking something That looks like a body part

And it's not alive Well like women have like dildos and vibrators and stuff And it's like the same sensation So why wouldn't one of those flesh bot things feel like Isn't it kind of the same principle? Is this like another Madonna Iggy Pop thing? No, no Am I looking at it the wrong way?

Maybe? No, I don't think You're looking at it the wrong way I remember, Nia, back in the day I just think you don't like the idea of a fake vagina You don't, you're not comfortable with that Just sitting on a table And it has a handle on it and I'm holding it

No I just think that's not your thing You're not into that That feels like Henry portrait of a serial killer I remember back in the day, right When you actually had to go to a porno store To get your porn And they had like, you know

Always behind the counter And they would have shit up there One more time They had this, it was like What's in the box? It was literally a head in a box And the chick's mouth was like Like you just stick your dick in it

And I'm like, somebody's gonna buy that And it was in like the same box Like a basketball came in And someone's gonna take it And grab it by its fucking ears That are stuck to the side of its head And they're just gonna go home and fuck a head Just a head

Now there's no fucking way That that doesn't fuck you up psychologically If you do that long enough Then you go out with a real person It's already annoying that they have to buy it dinner And that there's a whole body attached to it And you have to talk to it Yeah

And then all they're thinking of just grabbing you by your ears Water, water, water It's over Yeah, it's fucked up Well, I still feel like We're going back to the question I feel like they can experiment with it Like once or twice

But it can't be like a regular thing That they're doing all the time Because then, yeah That'll completely fuck up your sex life Because then you'll just be looking at Everything you do Like it's supposed to be this hyper-reality, dual-reality Virtual

It's just not good You know, I was just thinking Now let's just fast forward here Okay Now So that becomes the thing Which you know it's gonna People are gonna do it

And then what it's gonna become Is porn stars will be making all of that fucking money And basically you have a girl fucking Now that'll probably just be like the whole suit It's actually just gonna be the whole suit, right? What are you talking about? Like the whole I'm talking about like in the future

Like when everybody has like a virtual reality sex suit This will actually help the population problem, right? The virtual reality sex suit Okay And then Porn stars will then have their likeness They'll do a POV porn And then they get money

And then you have to like subscribe to that Oh, like you can do a virtual reality thing Where you actually get to have sex with like Asa Akira And then here's what happens Yeah Okay Who's gonna be the first celebrity

That crosses over And eventually, right? Because they're sick of doing superhero movies And they don't want to do the grunt work of an independent Because like, you notice now They're all doing ads over here Back in the day All the celebrities did ads

But they did them overseas, right? Remember we used to go over and we go Oh, look at so-and-so doing a fucking watch thing Or look at her doing this thing But they'd never do them here Because there was that whole stigma That if you did a commercial You're a sell-out

Blah, blah, whatever the fuck it was Or it's like you're doing a commercial You're a movie star A movie star is not even on TV Forget about doing an ad Now that all went away You know? So I'm saying eventually

Somebody famous would do it Right You could, yeah Get a suit and program it So that you're having sex with like Lindsay Lohan or someone Right And the first level will go down

I would be like I would go on those reality TV show stars Right You know? When the reality show goes off the air Like Jersey Shore They were all fucking huge Now it's just disappeared

Where the fuck are they? Mm-hmm Right? Mm-hmm You could probably talk a couple of them Into doing it Right Are we pitching a show right now?

I think or some kind of like High-tech concept That would probably make a lot of money That's gonna end up happening It sounds like a movie It sounds like like a What was gagging about And then this is what's gonna happen

You're gonna have these self-driving Fucking cars Or her You're gonna have self-driving Fucking cars And people will be laying in them In virtual reality suits Having sex with any famous person

They want to Right? Right? And they'll have like Because you don't need a steering wheel Or gas or brake or anything anymore You literally Like you're suitin' there

And then when you're done You roll over from that seat Into like another like a Like a freshen up like tub Or some shit I think we're totally going in that direction I think you're right We'll see it in the next generation

Before it was just Yeah, the flesh bot stuff We're just the mold Of the vagina Or the dick or whatever And then it's gonna be this virtual It'll be super expensive at first It's gonna go into a complete

It's gonna be like when flat screen TVs First came out And they have 14 grants So don't buy the first Virtual reality sex suit Virtual sex suit Wait till they come down to like 800 bucks at Best Buy

Then you get them, right? Should we figure out How to like make this technology And just like patent it? And that's how we'll make our Make our first Yeah, Nia We're gonna figure out how to do that

I can't even read copy But not We're calling it We're calling it Like that's what's gonna happen We're calling it I'm already selling it right now With these self-driving cars

Like the interiors of cars What they're gonna have now They're gonna have office ones They're gonna have sleeper ones People just wanna sleep Going to work They're gonna have ones To catch up on your emails

And all of that type of shit Yeah The different That'll be like the different The social one The social and office one All of that type And then eventually it's gonna be like

Why even going to work now? Cause everything's automated And there's robots, right? And then one day The whole fucking thing Just turns on us What if there was a company Like in some place really random

Not really random Like at Japan By the way, neither one of us Is high right now No, not at all Completely that high It's the middle of the day Never been more sober

What if there was a company somewhere And like, I don't know Not Japan, but like Eastern Europe That said We wanna do this deal with you Where we have these like sex dolls With your face on them And they offered you like

What, me? Yeah, an insane amount of money No, no To do it No And you could buy a billboard sex doll Do you realize the photoshop's I'm gonna get

And I'm gonna have to retweet now You asshole Oh my god, I know You're right, shit Oh, they're gonna be horrified But hilarious Like a billboard sex doll Would you do it?

Yeah, they come out of like Somewhere random Like, you know, Norway Or just something Or like, you know One of those Some place random like Norway I love Norway

That's not random enough Like, you know Turkmenistan Or one of those fucking places I'm not even saying it right But just a random little pocket That was just like, you know We have five million dollars

That we want to make sex toys With your face on them No You wouldn't go for it? Can you imagine that phone call Out of nowhere? No No, I wouldn't

No, I can honestly tell you That I wouldn't Oh, no, I know you wouldn't Well, yeah, I would think so How the fuck did we get all the way Over here? See, this is why I love the questions Great questions

Because, oh great Because the person in there A virtual blowjob When they're by, according to you I never claimed to be smart Since the beginning of these podcasts I don't know I don't claim to be smart

And with that Go fuck yourselves Sorry, the podcast was so late I was flying back from Jacksonville As I mentioned Several times Several times I complained about it

And I'll be checking it on you On Thursday I'll see you Go blues Bring them to a B-BAT-insample.com You'll always find one in your neighborhood On B-BAT.be B-BAT

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