Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-17

Episode Date: May 8, 2017

Bill rambles about Quiet Riot, Delta Airlines and being someone's fetish.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday! May 8th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? Oh, this is one of these days I don't want to do the podcast. You know, oh, I'm putting on a fucking brave face right now. I got the energy in my voice, right? I'm trying to bring it for you. Do you know what I'm really feeling inside? This is what I really feel like. Hey, this is Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. Just even doing that just brought my energy down to the fucking mat. I can't, I gotta sell it! Speaking of which, yeah, I was just watching that quiet riot documentary where it was like, now you're here, now what the fuck are you going to do, whatever it's called? And after Kevin DeBrow died and they got this new guy, you could really sound like him and hit all the notes.

Like the first fucking show he goes out there, he's just like, hey, you guys want to bang your head? The drummer afterwards. Frankie Benally was giving him shit going, dude, you can't just, you gotta fucking sell it. That's what I love about watching those documentaries is there's so many of those bands, especially with metal music in the 80s. They just thought it was a bunch of morons that were just out there, you know, just dumb people. And then you listen to them breaking down the show and it's like, yeah, these guys completely get performance. They totally, yeah, you would have to do that to sell the amount of records that they did, but for some reason, because of the subject matter, you don't think that they, you just think they're doing it and they're not thinking about it. But he just got off and just fucking read the guy, the riot act.

He's like, yeah, we got like a 20 foot by 20 foot stage and you're performing like three feet by three feet. You're not, you got to get out there, you got to sell it. You got to sell it. I would have loved to have been at that show watching the rest of the band because they're all pros, no one ought to sell it. And then there's this one guy in the middle looking like he's doing the fucking river dance, you know, with his hands down by his side, his feet are kind of jumping around, you know, dancing on one fucking square piece of linoleum. Linoleum! Um, that's a great word, isn't it? Linoleum, that's a good name for a band, isn't it?

Some glam band, you just call it linoleum. There you go, saying a couple of songs about pledge, you know, or some other cleaner and that's just your thing. That's a wide open lane, nobody's ever done that. I might, I might go on, uh, fucking, that's, hey, that'smybandname.net and register it for seven bucks, whatever they charge. I love how you can just register shit online, like, whatever, this is going to some guy's house. Why are you acting like this is some governmental building? Is that a word? Governmental? Federalental? How do you say it?

The Federal Reserve is no more federal than Federal Express. Some guy tears up a 20, right, and everybody dives on it, fucking, tapes it back together and then goes by as themselves a sub at Blimpy. Now what do you got to say there, buddy? What are you going to tell me next? The world is flat? Um, not that I don't agree. Not that I don't agree with that hypothetical person. Um, anyways, plowing ahead here. How are you? How was your Monday? I was going to get up this morning and get on the elliptical and I did not. I woke up this morning and felt like I played three years in the NFL. And what I did last week was I really researched what the fuck I was doing wrong with my leg workout.

You know, because, you know, I have thighs of steels, but buns of applesauce. And I'm not talking about the fucking job. And what I realized was that my fucking, my, whatever the fuck, my quads were doing all the work, right? My ass was just like some lazy dude just fucking going along for the ride. You know, like that person when you're at the four top and the check comes at the end of the night and everybody's digging in their pockets and stuff. And that person just kind of fucking, oh man, you're not going to believe this. I left my wallet at home, right? That's what my ass is like. It's like the fucking dude who doesn't throw in at the end of the fucking night.

You know, he always come up short. You always come up short. It's the guy who collects the fuck. I used to do a bit about this. The guy who collects the money, you know, everybody throws in 20 bucks and somehow you're always 10 bucks short. It's the guy who collects the money. He's the guy who fucking he shorted because once he collects the money, all he's going to say is how much you have and what you need. And he's just going to keep counting, you know, and then eventually one of you guys is just going to fucking cave out of being like, you know, not liking confrontation and then you're going to throw in and then this fucker got his meal for $5, $6, $7 less. All right.

So anyways, I got this new workout that I've been doing and I did that. And then the other night, you know, I had already worked out that day and I went out in the garage, sort of stretched and then skipped rope for fucking three rounds. And I woke up this morning. Oh my God. I felt like, you know, I felt like I ran a marathon. Sometimes I forget my age. You know what fucking cracks me up as people tell me I'm an old dad. It's like, no, I'm not. I'm not when you really look at when you go around. I mean, as far as my, my age, yes, I am, but the physical shape I'm in.

No, because this is, this is, this is in defense of me and you guys can argue this. I'm not saying I'm old to be a dad, but I'm not an old dad. All right. Because this is what happens if you have a kid, a fucking 25, I see people who had a kid at 25, I see what they look like at 35. All right. After finishing their kids food and doing all of that shit, whatever the fuck it is they do. You know, their bodies, they're done. They're finished.

All right. I'm still doing pull ups, 48 fucking years old. I'll get on a bike, you know, I skip rope. I don't know. Maybe I need a new pair of those fucking Steve job, new balance, you know, the classic old white guy sneakers. What are now those sketches? That is now the official, my fucking feet hurt. Old white guy, not even old white guy.

Cause those dudes shack and all of them wear it on, is it TNT or TBS? I always get it confused. Whatever channel the basketball is on, you know, whenever that one dude gets up and he goes over to the giant flat screen TV and they're wearing like the suit and they got the fucking sneakers on, you know, there's nothing worse than the old guy fucking sneakers. All right. Hold on a second. I got a fucking hang on. All right. I'm back.

I don't know what was going on there. Son was like, I was on a fucking airplane and my nose was closing up. Ah, shit. Now if we go with the hell I was talking about, oh, it's almost sketches. Yeah, that is the official. It's just, it's, it's fucking over. You know what I mean? Like if I was a gold digging whore, you know, I'd go to the steak houses, you know, where the fucking rich fucking dudes hang out and that's all I'd be looking for.

I'd look for that fucking guy in the sketches and I'd be like, all right, this guy's got no fight left in him. All you do is bat your eyes at him. And then that's it. Oh my God. He fucking hobbles over. You're like, wow, those are really interesting shoes. Oh, he's all excited about them. It's like I'm walking on a cloud.

Yeah. Well, once you walk on a cloud over to your fucking ATM, I'm telling you right now this, if you're a fucking old rich, dude right now, do not get a pair of sketches. All right. You might as well have a please gold dig me sign on the back of your fucking sport coat. You know. Anyway, speaking of that, I'm fucking worried about, I'm not going to say the guy's name. There's a fucking guy I'm watching in sports.

He's fucking huge now. He's fucking huge. Just can't be that big. Can't be that big. You're stuck in those fucking, those ages, you know, you retire a couple of years, you just blow up. It's not going to be good. You know, I was watching that quiet right thing, as I mentioned, and, you know, they always made it seem like fucking the lead singer, Kevin Dubrow, like died under like a mountain of cocaine.

And it really wasn't. He had a little bit of cocaine, a little bit of volume, a little bit of alcohol. The fucking, you know, the Quincy guy there, the Jack Clugman Quincy guy was sitting there saying that once you get past a certain age, he goes, you can't do that. You just can't do that today. Hey, man, we're fucking ramping it up now. We're slowing it down. Hey, we're going to level it out.

Your heart's just like, you know what? Fuck this. How about that? I'm calling the shots now. Not you. That's how it goes down. You know? So anyway, it's getting back to that thing.

All these fucking, I'm telling you, you look at any dad 10 years in, 90% of them are just going to throw that out there without any research. So like 30 pounds over fucking weight. All right. I have lost weight since I've had a kid. Yeah, I'm not going to be the fat dad. I'm not, I'm not going out like that. I'm just not saying, you know, at some point, you know, gravity takes over, you know, I don't give a shit. I'm adjusting.

I'm not fighting nature. I mean, I'm trying to stay in fucking shape, but you know, I just, whatever. You know, some of my hair started leaving. I was like, you know what? Fuck all of you. I'm out to shave it down. What now? What next?

You can't go hair plugs, man. You can't fucking do it. It's a slippery slope. You know, you start doing that Michael Jackson shit. Then you're like, oh, what if I had a booty chin? Huh? Would that make me feel good about myself? And you get the Botox, then you get the fucking, do they have, do they have like fake like man pecs yet?

You know, and you can walk in and pick like the chest you want, like off the wall. Chesticles, whatever the fuck they call pecs, you know. I'm looking, look for like a Ben Hurd meets Ken Paterra. I don't know what you would do. I bet that's what it's going to be like in the future. Everybody's going to be like, you're going to be like a resto mod, right? Where it's going to be like, I'm going to be a 1968 white male heterosexual, right? But under the hood, I'm going to have like a fucking, you know, there's the fucking zero six 20.

That'll be your heart, right? You get a brand new fucking heart, brand new fucking hot. That's like some sci-fi shit, you know, where it's like, oh God, this is so fucked up. You'd have two kids. One kid would be your real kid and the other kid would be like the donor for the family. Bill, why? Why would you do that? No, because you couldn't do that.

That's what rich people would do. Rich people. Okay. Once they have like all the robots around their mansion as a fucking movie right here, they got all the robots guarding them, right? And the only reason why they keep fucking people alive is that they need to like harvest their parts, but they don't want the fucking poor people to completely rebel and take out a couple of their robots because they'll probably be the same amount of money as like a fucking F-18, right?

So what they'll do is they'll say, all right, poor people, you're allowed to have like, you know, four kids. And for every four kids you have like, you know, two of them got to be donors or something like that. You know what I mean? So like when I get to the age up, you know, I got to start wearing sketches, you know, you come in, you fucking take the feet, you know? Ah, God, Bill, that's so fucking dark. I know it is. I know it is.

I've just been in a really dark place. I don't know. Some of them become an apparent, you just start thinking about the most horrific fucking shit that could possibly happen. You know? I swear to God, shit that used to kind of bug me now like really bugs me. You know, if I see anything on TV, if somebody like abusing a kid, obviously that always bugs you, but once you fucking have one, you just like, you just start thinking like, man, they should just, people who do that should, they should be lit on fire.

And then right before they die, you put them out. I don't know what you would call that punishment. What do you call that? What do they call that when you fucking, when you cook a fucking steak? Sear it. Yeah. We're going to sear you. That's what we're going to do.

You sear it. Keep all the fucking vitals together. I don't know, Bill. Jesus Christ. You know what? We listen to this podcast, Bill, to get away from our troubles. All right. Fair enough.

Fucking fair enough. I had a fun day yesterday when I wasn't watching the Celtics just get the shit kicked out of them in the second half. You know? But I know we're going to win game six. I don't even know that. I hope we're going to win game six. You know, when will people learn not to talk shit? Because it just motivates the other fucking team.

And then fans don't get that either. I didn't see it. You know, I was busy this week and I had family in town visiting my daughter. And I guess someone on the Celtics, I don't know if it was green said, yeah, we're definitely going to beat him in the next game. It said, why would you do that? That thing that fucking wall did on Instagram alone to that guy in the Atlanta Hawks. You know, this guy fucking thrives off a grudge. Why the fuck would you do that?

So that the wizard fans. Come on. He's okay. I think they just saw the results of shit talk. Right. And I'm watching the Celtics walk off the court after a loss and you see two fucking goddamn. You know, cotton candy, eating fatties, not even fat, but just dad bods just clapping, going, hey, great job. Great job.

Like yelling at the Celtics as they're going off the court. It's like you fucking moron. Why would you do that? You don't say anything. You cheer politely. You let them walk by and then that's it. And you let doubt slip into their fucking head. You don't fucking yell at a professional athlete.

You think they're going to win? Oh, this isn't a field cold kicker. Somebody's got the balls to go down the fucking lane, right? All that's going to do is motivate him. You guys never learned that shit fucking morons. And I'm talking to Celtics fans too, because they also do it. You know, I hate those people like right after they win a game, they just got to fucking talk all this shit. You know, Celtics getting that ass slapped.

Oh, that shit. It's like, dude, it's two, two. And then they're going to disappear into the abyss if we win another two. That fucking happens every time. So we'll see. I want to say that the Celtics will win the next game. And then I think we lose in Washington and then it just becomes like what team is going to win on the road? Or is the home team going to hold serve?

What am I fucking doing the NBA thing here? I got to be honest with you as much as I've really come back to the NBA and I enjoyed it. When I'm watching an NBA game, when there's an NHL game and I flip over to it, it's not even close to level of fucking excitement. It's people jogging up the court versus people like skating around doing like 20, 30 miles an hour slamming into each other. Basketball people, they're all about, oh, there's no scoring. Which I understand it's one of my big complaints about when you watch soccer rather than the fucking flopping, which by the way, Jesus Christ, did you guys see what's his face doing is salmon up the river?

Is that guy's name Beale or whatever on DC? And you just see all the fucking memes about that guy. That was one of the worst. If he just dove, that would have been fine. But the way he threw his head back. Good Lord. Fucking quiet riot. I'd have him as a front man.

He'd fucking sell every goddamn song without a doubt. But I got to admit, you know, hockey is just where it's at. And I also have to apologize to the Ottawa Senators. I was watching that fucking game the other day. What was it? The Rangers. What was the score? Were they up four to three?

Is that what it was? Scored the fourth goal with like seven minutes to go and I'm rooting for the Rangers. Why? I hate New York sports fans. You know, can't stand them. But Ottawa beat my Bruins, so I'm like, fuck it. And I always got like a soft spot for the Rangers because I rooted for them in 94 to win the cup. And that's one of the great runs I ever saw in sports.

So I'm rooting for them, right? Plus I got a couple of friends that are big Ranger fans. So it's four to three. Gets down like a minute and change left. And I'm thinking, you know, and I got family coming over, right? I got to go downstairs. I got to fire up the flat top. Got to make some burgers with a little bit of hash browns.

I don't do French fries. I go hash browns. I go hash browns on a flat top grill. I don't like French fries. French fries pass a certain fucking age. You just, you can't do it. They just take you down to the mat. It's not the burgers.

It's the fries. It's not the pizza. It's the soda. Or maybe it's the combination of the two. That's probably what it really is. When you have both of them, it's just like, it's fucking over, right? So minute change. I feel like I'm fine.

I go downstairs, you know, be brothers over here. A couple of buttheads, right? I come back in the fucking house and he's like, he's like Ottawa one. I go, what do you mean they fucking won? What, how do they win? Tied it up with like no time left. And then they gave me all right there, Fred Novotim. Anyways, my apologies to the Ottawa centers.

I just did not believe in them. Evidently, they're for real. And I think they're going to take this series. See what I just did there? It made it sound like I was saying something positive about Ottawa. But any real sports fans knows what I'm doing right now. I'm trying to put a hex on them. The old Ronnie Hextall.

Now I'm fucking with you. I keep forgetting the Rangers are like a wild card. I don't know. The fucking Anderson dude. He's the guy. Everybody keeps talking about the dude with the busted foot skating around there. Carlson, whatever the hell his name is. You know, once the Russians came in and all the East and the Finnish people,

I haven't been able to remember anybody's fucking name. Really, Bill, are you going to blame that or your lack of short-term memory? All right, maybe you got me. Maybe that's what it is. All right, let me type in my password here and let's see what we got coming up here. I got to read a little bit of advertising here. Man, 19 minutes and maybe we'll talk about who the fuck is this Bon Amasa live on tour near you. Get tickets now.

These shows will sell out. This fucking guitarist, this flyer has been on everything I've looked at. I don't know what I clicked on. I don't know what I clicked on. Well, here's the article I clicked on. Two engaged doctors found bound in slain in luxury Boston penthouse. Suspect in custody after shootout. Who the fuck is that?

She said it's somebody's 39th birthday tomorrow and I have no idea who it is. He's fucking computers, man. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with them. All right, so two doctors who were engaged. One was 49, right? The other was 39, right? Or 38.

The police entered the 11th floor penthouse apartment Friday night. They found a gruesome scene, which I'm not going to talk about luxury condo. And this is what kills me about this whole story. No pun intended. 11th floor luxury penthouse in Dorchester. You know, I know I moved away in 1995. I know that's 22 years ago, but the fact that there's a luxury penthouse that two doctors are living in Dorchester is unbelievable. The kid, they used to talk about what Dorchester used to be.

They used to say, oh, this used to be this upscale place and blah, blah, blah. Then it became blue collar. And then the fucking crack 80s kid and then the whole fucking thing goes to shit, right? To think that it's now back. This is what I don't understand. It's like every neighborhood now is becoming high end. It's like, where, where is everybody else going to go? I really hope we don't end up like a third world country where it's just like, you know, if you have a bend to one, it's like, you'll see like these ridiculous mansions.

And, you know, a gated community with people like with like fucking machine guns standing outside of them. And then everybody else is living in a fucking tin shack. Is that what I was supposed to get out of that story? I mean, obviously my condolence goes out to those two people and they caught the fucking douchebag who did it. Lunatic Trump's war on science continues with EPA firings. President Trump's war on basic facts continues. But this time you literally end up choking on it. Jesus Christ.

What is it about? Why do Republicans just act like the earth is just, you know, like it's not a finite thing. I just don't understand it. I get that you have companies. I get that you're sick of the tree huggers going, Hey, man, you're putting too many greenhouse gases. I understand that that becomes annoying to you because all you stare at is your fucking bottom line. But like, I just don't understand those fucking people. They just sit there's plenty of water.

Look, there's a lake over there. What the fuck? Like how they just look at it like that. I just don't understand it. I think that they're just so fucking psycho competitive. Or just so unbelievably selfish. Like, well, even if what the tree huggers are saying is true, it's not going to happen in my lifetime. And even it does, I'll be too old to give a fuck.

Facebook's war against fake news in the UK is long overdue. What is Facebook concerned with? You know, I don't like that guy. I don't like that fucking guy. Zuckerberg, whatever his fucking name is that runs this thing. Why is he so fucking involved in fake news? You have a site that's for people to like, you know, figure out who the fuck they're going to bang that they used to went to high school with. In November, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the idea that so-called fake news could influence the US election was quote, crazy.

Can you guys read between the lines here? It's all fucking fake news. It's all spun. This guy, you know what this guy is right now? This guy's like, he's a made guy. And now he has a dog in the fight. So now this fucking dope. No, but he's not dope.

Obviously he started this fucking, this little fucking chit chat site. Now he's going to decide what is real and what is fake. So maybe he's saying it was crazy that it couldn't have influenced it. Bill, maybe you should read the whole article before you throw this billionaire on the bus. Okay, fair enough. Sorry, Mark. Six months later, however, the social network has announced an all out war on misinformation and hoaxes in the UK before the general election in June. Oh, I see.

I see. You know what he either got paid off or he got a phone call about a convertible ride in Dallas. That's what somebody just called up, you know, he just picks it up, picks up the phone. Hello, Facebook. Right. And then he just had that, you know, that voice they always have, you know, whenever they have like the gang members on TV, like, you know, Fresno, Mofo, come, don't have strapped, you're going to be a captain for that. Right. They had like that voice, except it was like a Luminati hit man calling up, you know, he's like, Hey, Mark, Facebook, how may I help you?

Mark, if you don't get rid of that fake news on there, we're going to stick an app up your ass, something like that. They scared the shit out of them. You know what, you know, you scare the shit out of a fucking nerd. You just take his phone away. You take his phone away and then you've threatened to burn one of his superhero costumes and that motherfucker will tell you anything you want. So now he's having this all out war on fake news. How do what the fuck does why? How do you tell what is fake and what is it?

Everybody's lying. Everybody's a fucking liar. How many lies do you think Hillary and Trump told combined in just one debate? You got two piles of shit. Just saying the other one smells worse. Right. Isn't that what it is? Everybody's lying.

Oh, fucking thing. You know, I still don't understand. And I know I always say this. Whenever a bill gets passed, why do they always have to? Why are they allowed to tag on all these other fucking things? I've never understood. Anyway, six months later, the guys, he's in all out war on misinformation and hoaxes in the UK. Oh, yes, because they voted to leave the European Union, which probably fucked with the bankers who want to have everybody all unified, all on one currency that they are fucking printing.

So inadvertently, people just saying, Hey, man, let's get the fuck out of here. Now you got to have an all out war on it. That's what happened. The bankers hit men called this guy up. Right. All right. Facebook is tweaking its algorithms to try and get the fuck out of here. They're trying to get rid of these algorithms to try to halt the spread of misinformation, giving users tips on identifying sources designed to misinform.

And it even ran full page advertisements in British newspapers on Monday, reiterating how to spot misinformation online. Oh, I want to, I want to say you can see the full advertising. Ties meant below. Let's see what they got here. All right. Tips for spotting false news. One, the person you're talking to is wearing a trench coat with the fedora and sunglasses. All right.

Be skeptical of headlines. You know what? They just took a picture of the newspaper. So I can't see this here. Look closely at the URL. Investigate the source. Watch for unusual formatting. Consider the photos.

Inspect the dates. Check the evidence. Look at other reports. Is the story a joke? Some stories are intentionally false. I don't know. If you use this algorithm for Facebook, would Facebook still exist? I mean, the whole fucking thing is fake.

Everybody takes a picture. They hold the camera up over their fucking face. So that drops like 40 pounds and up their number from a four to a six, a six to an eight. Right. Everybody photoshopped and does all that shit. Wasn't was it? Oh, kung fu. Can he talking about that in his song?

I don't fucking know. Why do I claim some of Wall Street's top boutique firms just landed a big payday? And for some reason they have a picture of a Zee's and sorry. I mean, isn't that misinformation right there? Zee's and sorry is not one of Wall Street's top boutique firms. Is he? That's misinformation. He's a stand up comedian as far as I know.

All right, I think I think I fucking filibustered long enough, haven't I? You know, it's funny when I think of Mark Zuckerberg, I don't think of Mark Zuckerberg. I think of the fucking guy that played him in the movie. And you know, when I look at Mark Zuckerberg, he looks way more annoying. Okay. Oh Jesus, Mother's Day is coming up. So you know what you got to get her? You got to get her.

So Sherry's berries. Talk about your favorite story about your mom. Or talk about a television mom you really admire and why. You know what? I always wanted to bang Alice on that show Alice. There was something about her. You know what I mean? She was like 39, 40.

So you know what she was doing in the rack? She had that Charlie's Angels haircut. She could sing a little bit, you know? She's busy. She's got a couple of kids. She's not going to fuck around. She's going to look at you like you want to do this or what? How do you want to do it?

And I'd be like, keep the uniform on. All right, Mother's Day is coming up. And Sherry's berries is offering huge freshly dipped strawberries starting at 1999 plus shipping. Right now, I have an exclusive offer to you that is only available on this podcast and the other 15,000 they advertise on when you double the berries. Oh, Jesus. Mom's getting a threesome here for mom for just $10 more.

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fucking bed that vibrated, which I also never understood. You know what I mean? Like who would want to bang while driving over a gravel road at 40 miles an hour evidently people in the seventies. You know what it was is they, they didn't trim their pubes, so they had enough of a cushion. Um, anyways, you may think you've seen gourmet dipped strawberries before. I never said that, um, but you have never seen anything like these.

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Here's some flowers. The only way to get 100 blooms for mom with a free glass vase starting at 1999 is to visit pro flowers. Click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and use my code. That's proflowers.com. Burr, I thought it was slash burr. Oh, when you click on the mic. Oh, use my code burr.

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I mean, I'm going to tell you why I fucked up the end of that because I'm going to see my mother for this mother's day and I'm actually going to go to this fucking chocolate place down the street to get my upside. There's a better way for you to buy business travel. It's called upside.com. Every time you buy a trip at upside, you'll save your company a ton of money. You know, I don't feel like reading this fucking shit. There's three more of them.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to talk about this. Let's, let's fucking, let me just give my brain a break. All right. So anyways, yesterday I did this thing, uh, was the Ronnie James Dio, uh, ride for cancer, um, which I, it should be a ride to fight cancer. It said it was the ride for cancer. I was like, but are these people for cancer?

These people fans of disco and then I showed up and it was a bunch of people fucking Harley Davidson's and, and, and, you know, knives on their hips and shit. I was like, no, these guys are fighting cancer. Okay, I get it. Um, so I show up at this thing. Was it Encino outside at this park and I come walking in and I'm going to introduce Steve and Adler's all star band that he's putting together. Right.

And they're going to play a few songs. Eddie Money was there. He was fucking hilarious, fucking hilarious. Um, everybody there, like, I don't know. Everybody that was just fucking killing it and had like a sense of humor about, you know, cause they were outside and started raining a little bit. And, um, so I walk in there going like, all right, so they want me to joke around a little bit and intro the band and it's outside.

The sun's out and then it starts fucking raining. It's a bunch of bikers. This one guy walked in. I swear to God on his, the back of his belt, he had this fucking sheath knife. It was like a fucking 10 inch blade. It's like, what are you going to do with that? You know, the fucking you're going to do with that thing. That's not to defend yourself.

You're going to murder anybody. Maybe that's what it is. People see that and it's just, dude, this guy could kill a fucking bear with this thing. Um, so I'm just thinking, oh God, this is how, how is this going to go? Right. So I'm watching the bands and I'm enjoying everybody yet in the back of my head going like, well, how the fuck am I going to deal with this? Eddie trunk was there and he was introing the band.

And they were being nice and polite to him. So I was thinking, all right, but he's not trying to be funny. Even though he was being funny, but he wasn't billed as a standup comedian. So, um, I ended up going up there, joked around a little bit. They laughed and I intro the band. I turned around and then of course they give me the stretch sign, you know, because it had finally stopped fucking raining. They were getting rid of the four posted canopy that they had over the drum kit.

And, uh, I actually joked around and went good. I had a great fucking time and it took me back to when I used to do college gigs, the college gigs were the worst because you'd show up as an unknown comedian and they would fucking stick you anywhere outside, inside, raining, snowing. They didn't give a fuck. Cafeteria, hallway, Mike, no, Mike. Yeah, I figured he'd come out, walk out of that walk-in closet. It just took me back to those days and like really having to fight to get the crowd.

And I ended up having a great time. And, um, it was great, man. I got to watch fucking, uh, Adler play again. And he almost killing me was he does a lot of those fucking three in the row on the, on the bass drum, you know, just playing even like eighth notes at like a mid tempo. But the way he puts them in really propels the song. So I'm watching him play, welcome to the jungle. And the last time I watched him play, I figured out something that he was doing.

So this time I'm watching his footwork. All right. And there's this fucking guy taking picture of him. Every time he goes to do that thing, like, and I'm starting to get it, this guy keeps getting in my way. And then like I had this, then the cameraman finally got out of the way and I'm getting to watch him play a whole verse and it's coming. I have this anxiety going, please, please, don't anybody fuck this up.

Don't anybody fuck this up. And all of a sudden I feel this tap on the shoulder. Hey, Bill, big fan of the podcast. Can I get a picture? I was like, hey, I have too much of a need to be like, to say, hang on a second. So I fucking missed it again. Because my ears aren't good enough the way they've mixed it. You know what I mean?

With the bass and the bass drum. Sometimes I can't tell, did he do it? Do you know what's he playing right there? I don't know. I don't know. It'll be a lifelong fucking obsession. But I got to watch him do that. Leader Ford came out saying, sweet child of mine.

And then they played Rocket Queen. He fucking murdered it. And I had a great time. So thank you to everybody at that event who showed up to raise money for cancer. You know, it was the best. It was at one point they were singing a Dio song. And let's tell my buddy about this. And first of all, I'm looking at all the people in the fucking crowd.

And they're all my age and a little bit older. And I'm just like, wow, man, we are fucking old, right? But everybody's having a great time. And this fucking, fucking dude, five foot nothing goes up there. I saw him on another event. And he's somehow related to Ronnie or doesn't know. I don't know if he's an impersonator. I don't know what, but he key hat.

He really captures like Ronnie's range and really can sound like him. And he started singing, dude, in the crowd. There was this one fucking guy in the crowd, man. He fucking lost it. He still had the Vince Neil haircut, not the teased up one, when it's just fucking laid down. And he had like a fucking keg cup filled with beer well into his fifties. You know, so he's got the whole dad bought and shit.

He lost his fucking mind because I knew this guy was good. So I was looking in the crowd because I wanted to see their reaction. And this guy just fucking lost it. He's just pointing it. He started pointing at the singer with like, you know, doing the double point while holding his coffee. He was just like, he's looking at his friend. His eyes are all wide.

Couldn't fucking believe it. And I was thinking like that was the kid when I would go to go see these bands who was about five years older than me, you know, already had like the fucking awful mustache going and, you know, and he'd have some hot, skanky looking chick with some fucking pink and black. You know, leopard print, uh, spandex on, you know, and I was sitting there with my fucking, uh, you know, Ralph mouth look, you know, couldn't grow my hair would never grow down.

It would just grow out. It looked like fucking Bernie from room 222. And I just always always think like, ah, man, if I had brown flat hair, man, I could get one of those spandex chicks. He used to think that shit rather than thinking like, why don't you just fucking have a little confidence and say hello? You know, this is the one thing. No matter how fucked up you look,

you have to hold on to the fact that you got to be somebody's fetish. There's always hope. You know what I mean? You're not ugly. You just haven't met somebody who's into what you're doing or what the fucking hand you adult. Okay. And if anything tells me that it's when you watch those storage wars, because to me, that's just a bunch of shit.

I don't want any of it and everybody's fucking everybody else is freaking out. Like, dude, look at that. That's a dartboard. I think that's a dartboard in that case. My God, that's a refrigerator. You think there's food in there? You know, the shit that they're looking at, you know, maybe that's what you are. Maybe physically what you look like. You're the human version of what they find in those storage shits.

You know, and if you got a great heart, well, god damn it, you're like one of those original Civil War fucking muskets. All right, that was positive. That was a positive thing. Borden voor receptet die lekker, makkelijk en goedkoop zijn voor wie eens naar iets anders snakt of hout van klassiekers. O ja, zo was een spaghetti bolognaise met lekker veer gehakt. Download the My The Lijse app en kook mee.

Ja, top. De Lijse, mee met het leven. So I think it's time, you know what? I think I can do a little more advertising there. Okay, upside everybody, second attempt, coming around again. You might have heard this earlier in the podcast. Evidently, there's a better way for you to buy business travel. It's called upside.com.

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Hey, you guys know Al Madrigal, one of the co-founders of the All Things Comedy Network, huh? Now that we're making fucking video content, we got a cooking show coming out, we got a political show coming out, we got this poker game we shot, we got, we got shit, we got investors. It's all going great.

Well, listen, Al Madrigal has a new fucking special that is right now. It's, it premiered last Friday night on Showtime, and it is now on Showtime on demand. And speaking of All Things Comedy, there's a new podcast out from the wonderful Nick Yousef. It's called Nick America. Nick interviews people of all backgrounds

about what makes them American. This week, he has comedian Faheem Anwar. Subscribe and listen on iTunes or SoundCloud on the All Things Comedy page. All right, let's, let's get into, let's read some shit here for the week. All right, let's do some questions here. 95-year-old hockey player.

Hey, Billy Pucknuts, I saw this video and thought you'd get a kick out of it. Maybe it'll even motivate you to get your old red tits out there and keep playing hockey. I want to, I just don't have time. It's amazing how much good you can do to yourself just by staying active.

Anyways, here's the link and go fuck yourself. P.S., thanks for making my work days crawl by a little bit faster there, dude. It means a lot, kids. Anyways, yeah, I watched this. This guy's 95 years old. He's still playing pickup hockey. Obviously, he's not flying around out there, but that's

another reason why hockey is great. It's one of the greatest old man sports ever because you don't have to run around. You're just gliding, you know? It's great cardio. It's phenomenal. Oh, man, in the spirit of that guy, I got to get back out there and play.

I have not played since, I played in like September or October of 2015. I didn't play once last year and I've yet to play this year. It's hard because we get ice time late at night. And, you know, I got the kid now who, by the way, I'm telling you, late at night is in the morning and late at night

are my two favorite times. You know, when she just wakes up and she's just looking at him, she's just talking all this gibberish, smiling and all that. And the late at night, when she gets all fussy and everything, when me and Nia just sit there

and totally like engage with her, you know? She's just like the look on her face, just completely enamored. You know, you got to understand, I mean, obviously, you just heard me read out loud. So you know how fucking dumb I am. So to have another human being looking at you, like you have all the answers,

I mean, it's fucking unbelievable. And then there's fear creeps in where you're just like, what's going to happen the day she realizes I really don't have any answers? Honey, let me introduce you to the world of going with your gut. All right, fear of driving. Hello, Billy Boy.

I hope the day is treating you and your family well. Well, thank you. Well, just like the title says, I am completely terrified to drive a car. By the way, that guy just went totally different rather than calling me an asshole. He actually said something nice. I'm completely terrified of driving a car.

I'm 21 and can't drive worth a shit. And I've been lucky enough to have a family that takes me to my college for classes, which is thankfully is close by. Are they helping you or enabling you? The problem is I need my license. It's the last thing I need to truly be independent. The problem is that when I get behind the wheel

to practice driving, I tense up every horrible outcome pours into my stupid brain. What if I make a mistake and get someone killed or accidentally hit a car full of kids and kill them? I would not be able to live with myself. So my brain just goes into hyper mode and I just start getting jittery and really sweaty. I don't want to lose.

I don't want to be this loser anymore, Bill. Any advice? Yes. Drive on Sundays. All right. Drive to an empty parking lot. It's hard to find them nowadays because nobody really gives a shit

about those old Puritan laws back in the day. With liquor stores, everybody, Sunday was a day of rest. So I learned how to drive. My dad used to take me down to the South Shore Plaza in Braintree, Massachusetts on Sundays. And I learned how to drive on a 78 Chevy Chevette 4-speed standard transmission. I actually took my driver's test on a stick shift.

And he used to do that with all of us. He'd take us down there. He got to a certain age. He'd just take you down there. He'd teach you how to drive. And that was the way to do it. So what I would do if I was you is I would go down there, have your parents drive you down there,

and just drive around an empty parking lot, or drive down a quiet neighborhood. And you just gradually build more and more confidence. And the only way you get over something is you got to face it. So this is what I would do. Right? I would just go down there.

You know, the first time you just drive around there in the car the whole time. All right? The next time you do it, you drive around. And when you got 10 minutes left in the driving thing, you just tell your dad, why don't you just step out for a second? And I'll just say the same thing I did last week

when I got back into flying the helicopter. You know, I took two lessons. One, I wrote, you know, I was with the instructor. The next time, once again, I was with the instructor. And then at the end of the lesson, I asked him to step out and I flew it around by myself. Gives you confidence. Yeah, my palms were sweating.

I was nervous. But, you know, I mean, it's really a metaphor in life, dude. I mean, you kind of got to face this type of shit. So if I was you, considering you have such a fear, no pun intended, I would totally steer into this. You could take a defensive driving course. And then I bet there's actually, I don't know where you live, but sometimes, you know, they have like these,

I know out here, they have like, they have a course out here where they'll teach you how to do all that shit from the movies. Like spin the car around. I mean, why don't you go from being totally terrified to just becoming a fucking expert? You know, learn how to do burnouts and all of that shit. Then you become an absolute terror on the fucking road. Learn how to drift.

You know, just master the shit as much as you can. And then driving down the street will be a joke. And as far as like killing a bunch of kids and everything like that, the level of technology nowadays with like the airbags and all that, you don't sound like you're going to be driving super fast. So the worst thing you're going to do is just crumple up some fenders, that's all.

But you can do it, you just get out there. So just baby steps, baby steps, that's all you got to do. I'm flying again this week. I'm flying again this week. I'm flying on Tuesday. And then I got some other family coming in. I'm going to take some people up this weekend going up with instructor.

I've yet to have the balls to bring a passenger up, even though I know I could do it. I can't take a family member up. I was joking with the buddy of mine, Jay Lawhead. I think I'm going to take him up first. I was like, dude, I have to deal with the pressure of just the love I have for a friend. Forget about an actual family member

or my wife or something like that. So anyways, all right. So that's what I would do. So do this. I get over my fear of bringing up a passenger. You update me, I'll update you, all right? So good luck. You can do it, man.

All right, ex-girlfriend's blanket. Hey, Billy Boo Radley, I have a question for you. My ex-girlfriend's grandmother made me a blanket for Christmas and I kept it after we broke up. We broke up a little over six years ago and my current girlfriend and I have been together ever since. We just had our six year anniversary and are talking about getting married.

My ex just got married last week and brought up the question of the blanket. Wait a minute. You broke up with this woman six years ago. You still love the blanket. She just got married. It's six years later and she just brought up the question, meaning you're still in contact with her?

Should we get rid of the blanket? I don't think you meant to say your ex. I think, don't you mean your current one? You just lost. My ex-girlfriend's grandmother made me a blanket for Christmas and I kept it after we broke up. Broke up a little over six years ago. My current girlfriend and I have been together ever since.

We just had a six year anniversary and we're talking about getting married. My ex just got married last week. Oh, and that brought up the question of the blanket. I'm sorry. Jesus, poor bastard. He's probably listening to this podcast. He's going, I said that.

I said that in the sentence. Read what I wrote. All right. Should we get rid of the blanket? It wouldn't be that big a deal, but my ex-grandmother stitched our names and our anniversary into it. Oh my God, dude.

What the fuck? It's like a championship banner for your former relationship. Also, my current girlfriend and I really like the blanket. It's the color of the college where my current girlfriend and I first met and we have a lot of memories having Minnesota Blizzards under the blanket. Dude, this is so fucking weird.

Your new girlfriend snuggled under a blanket with your name and your past girlfriend's name. It was your anniversary date on it. My current girlfriend's from California and these were some of the first blizzards she had seen. So it was a special experience for her. What should we do with the blanket? I think you should keep it, you fucking weirdos.

I don't have any advice for you. This is the weirdest fucking shit ever. So my ex-girlfriend just got married last week and that brought up the question of the blanket. From who? You both seem to like it. Jesus Christ, why don't you make a voodoo doll of your fucking ex-girlfriend and spoon with it

between the two of you and have a threesome? We would appreciate your advice as we are both fans of the podcast and your stand-up. Thanks to go fuck yourself. Yeah, you guys are fucking bizarre when it comes to that. Jesus Christ, why don't you just put in a fucking sex tape you guys made? I don't know, maybe I read it wrong.

Maybe I was being too harsh. I apologize, but that's just fucking weird. Dad kicked off Delta Flight. Dear illiterate cunt. There you go, that's the usual intro that I'm used to. Have you seen the video of the guy in his family getting kicked off a Delta Airlines flight the other day? The video is long but worth watching in full.

At one point they threatened to put him and his wife in jail and his kids in foster care. What is going on? My first question is what the hell is going on the past week with all these airplane incidents? The Asian guy getting his ass kicked out was brutal. Some young broads not being allowed to board due to wearing yoga pants

and the world's largest rabbit dying in transport under a plane. Well, I mean, you know, that can happen. Why is this suddenly a trend? Secondly, I have to commend the father for his overall attitude and demeanor in the video. Well, while watching, I couldn't help but wonder how it all would have went down if an angry East Coast father were in this guy's shoes.

Can you imagine an angry father driving to the airport with his bitchy wife and whining toddler, searching for parking, getting the car seat out of the car, pushing a stroller through security, hauling your shit all the way to the gate, boarding, and then being told they sold your seat to someone else and you either have to hold your kid the entire flight or get off the fucking plane.

Sounds more like an episode of Effes for Family than it does reality. Just wanted to share. Hope you and the lovely Nia keep your DVR relationship afloat in your flooded house. Yeah, I think it's time for other passengers to speak up. Everybody just sits there silently as they yank these people off the plane.

I don't understand why, like, it's like, yeah, we sold this to someone else. It's like, you also sold it to me and I have my receipt, my ticket, and I'm on this flight. So you're trying to say that someone else is more important. I would do is I would sue the fucking shit out of that airline. They need to be sued because it's their fuck up and they're making it somebody else's,

they're making it the customer's fault and the level of trauma that they're bringing to people. Like right now, you know something, why don't we all just fire off angry fucking letters to United and Delta? Why don't we get organized? Why I don't even, if anybody can send me the link, where to do that?

You know, the problem is if they're all fucking doing it, then where do you go? You go to Southwest. Southwest hasn't done anything like that, have they? American hasn't done it. United's done it. Delta's done it. So fuck both of them.

Fuck both of those airlines till they learn how to treat people right. And Jesus Christ, and they learn how to count. How many seats you got? How many tickets did you sell? Well, there you go. No, that you, oh man, the problem is that they're an organized entity

and that the passengers are not. I remember that flyers rights thing was going down a while ago. Can that thing be like revived? And when they start to yank somebody off with their fucking children, I mean, that's, no one wants that to happen to them. That shouldn't, that shouldn't have, you shouldn't be able to bully people like that.

If you make a mistake as an airline, you should eat the cost instead of passing it on to everybody else, like to have security go down there. If they ever do that to me, I'm going to be like, I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving if you physically remove me from my seat that I paid for and I have the receipt. I've done nothing wrong.

I'm not a threat. I'm ready to fly. I'm going to sue. I'm going to sue, I can't say the living shit. I'm going to sue you guys. You know, I mean, how, do they at least give them miles? Do they do anything anymore?

I don't know. Corporations are, they're a fucking disease. They're completely out of control and they have no, the only thing they have sympathy and empathy for is the bottom line. That's all they care about. And if you work in those works, in those worlds, like, I understand if you're on the

lower levels, you know, you're not about that, but in those upper levels, you guys, I don't know. I don't know how you do it, but you guys, your piece is a shit that you could do that, you know? If I fucking, if somehow that ever happened at one of my comedy shows, there's no fucking way I'm letting that person get kicked out. There's no fucking way.

Find a chair. Fucking let the person sit on the side of the stage. There's chairs on the side of the stairs, always, you know, for the union guys, I'd get fucking get one of those chairs and hand it to the person. Let him sit on the side of the stage, take a picture, you fucking, when you fuck up like that,

it's up to you. They're doing the exact opposite of what they should be doing. You know, don't kick the person off. Whoever you fucked over, you give them whatever you have to give them in the airport. If they have some sort of, you know, place they have to be, you got to figure out how to get them there. You know, offer enough to people.

There's going to be some single dude who's got nothing to go home to other than a fucking futon. Just be like, dude, we'll get you a 12 pack. We'll give you 30,000 fucking miles. I mean, what do you give a shit? You're a fucking multimillion dollar. There's a way to do it. If I was running an airline, it would just, you know,

I'd have a guy come on, dress like a fucking game show host. All right. And be like, I got cash in my suit pocket. You know, I have a couple of hot chicks dressed like bunnies, you know, that'll fucking walk you down, you know, or if you're gay, you know, you're gay, dude. I don't have a couple of fucking shredded tanned up guys, shirtless, whatever the fuck you want.

It'd be the greatest walk you ever had up to fucking tarmac, you know, give you a stack of cash like fucking Henry Hill, you know, why don't you do it that way instead of coming down fucking all knees and elbows and gorilla and some gorilla, somebody off a fucking plane. It's so stupid. All right. Boyfriend troubles.

Hey, Bill, I was wondering if you could help with issues I'm having with my boyfriend. He's really sweet, but sometimes too sweet. Now Jesus, he's too submissive and I wish he could be more dominant. All right. Okay. He's fucking, he would give up his seat. Is that what you're saying? I don't know how to bring it up to him without hurting his feelings.

I really want to do BDS bondage, sadomasochist with the screen just went out rape roleplay. But every time we try it, it never works. How can I topple toughen them up? Oh my God, that's a fucking sketch right there. He's too sweet. He's a sweet, nice guy and you want to do that with a sweet, nice guy. Hey, don't move or I'll, uh, I'll pop you on your head.

How do you got to speak a little more firmer than that? I will bop you on the head. Stop saying bop. You're drying me up. How can I top them up? You know what? You can't. You can't, uh, what you're looking to do, uh, you can't do with, with a person like that.

You just got to understand that he's a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. No fucking pun intended. And, um, I don't know, I, you know, it's like that whole sex thing. You got to like, you guys, you got to vibe with each other. If the vibe isn't there, especially with something like that. I mean, that's going to be, it's going to be the most awkward thing ever. Do you do the whole act out? Do you tell them to go outside and try to like, you know, you probably knocked on the door?

Hello here to rape you if that's okay. Um, uh, yeah, yeah, you're, you're with, I would say you're with the wrong guy. That's all, um, so you got to, you know, I don't know. I don't, I have no idea. I don't, I don't know what to tell you. Um, yeah, I'm going to leave it at that. I really need Nia here. You know, that's just like a whole, I don't know that you can do that.

Is there any woman out there? Have you been able to, because I got to tell you from the other side, when I, when, uh, back in the day, when I was a single man, you know, glory days, they'll pass you by. Glory days in the winter. Um, what I would do, well, I guess you've already done this. So it's not working on it. What I would always do when you were trying to like, get a woman to not be so sell,

because it was really with a lot of women, they're super self-conscious. It's not like they don't know what they want to do or want to try. It's they're so afraid of how a guy that they actually like is going to judge them. So what I did was I would just gradually, I would just create this environment where it's just like, yeah, I'm not going to, I'm not going to judge you. I don't, whatever the fuck you want to do. And I really believe that. I mean, just like, I don't judge anybody, whatever the fuck they want to do.

If that's what you're into, go ahead and do it. As long as the other person is also into it, you know, that's fine. So you had to create this environment where they weren't afraid to say what they wanted to try, which I used to say you would drawing out their inner whore, which is still judgmental. You really want what you're doing is you free them up. You know, it's like free, get free, getting free is freeing up as a comedian. You know, you just sort of leave your act behind.

He just, you know, you bomb a little bit, then you get relaxed. Then you find trying to free yourself up on an instrument. I imagine it's the same way. There's no difference. Same thing in the bedroom. However, what the fuck is that noise? Is that my phone? Oh, yes, it is.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyways, all right, I gotta get off the phone here. So there are certain people they don't have like what you're looking for. That this person probably doesn't have an item. So I don't know what to tell you. But I mean, if you haven't done anything else, you kind of started way down the fucking road. You know what I mean?

Jesus Christ, just have him slap your ass a little bit. I mean, fucking baby steps. Go rent. What about Bob? Learn about baby steps and maybe you could gradually, you know, take this sweet innocent person and turn them into a fucking deviant. I have no idea. I don't know what to tell you.

Unfortunately, Nia is still sleeping downstairs. So I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. It's been my experience that, you know, I don't know, if someone's not into it, they're not into it. You just fucking leave it at that, right? Isn't that what it is? Jesus, this is awkward.

All right, that's the podcast. That's the podcast. Go Celtics. How about the fucking predators? First ones to advance to the conference finals. Beaten meet me in St. Louis, Louis. Blues go home coupless once again. Once again, 50 fucking years, no cup.

The Edmonton Oilers coming back after that brutal fucking loss and overtime. Jesus, is it going to be Edmonton and the Predators? Is it going to be the Ducks? Oh God, I don't know. I just never been, I just could never get over. I've never forgiven them for being owned by Disney and named after a kid's movie. The Mighty Ducks. You know, maybe if they still had the fucking intestinal fortitude,

as they always used to say in wrestling, to still call themselves the Mighty Ducks. The fact that they got rid of the Mighty, you know, it's like they're trying to run from their history. It's like KFC, your Kentucky fried chicken. You know, stop trying to fucking lighten it up. Wait a minute, who the fuck is left? Yeah, I still think the Penguins are going to do it.

You know, Crosby's comeback seems to be all right. I think the Penns got it. And I can say that, haven't watched 10 games this year. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. All right. Oh, yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a little veal.