Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-1-15

Episode Date: June 1, 2015

Bill rambles about dead turtles, FIFA and his check ride.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast. It's from Monday, June 1st, 2015. How's it going everybody? How are you? How are things? That is good. I apologize for last Thursday's podcast. I guess I recorded it in mono, which was just on, I guess not stereo is what I learned. I don't know if I'm doing it again because I don't know how to use my recorder and I am currently not in the United States. So I don't know any nerds where I'm at. Where am I at right now? You asked, I am in Paris, France. Oh, fancy freckles over here to get a couple of macaroons. Steak and pump freaks. Yeah, I'm over here. I don't know. What the fuck? What else am I going to do? I tell shit jokes in

a mall. Government takes all my fucking money. I might as well blow a little on myself. I'm over here with the lovely Nia and we actually just got here and we're going to be here for whatever seven, 10 days. You know what's cool, man? I'm actually going to go to the Roland Garros, the fucking French open on the clay. Going to go to the, going to go to a game at some point, going to go over there, scalp some tickets. That's going to be fun, right? Talking to some fucking French scalper with this goddamn beret and his striped shirt. You really wish they'd look like that, but they don't. So we just got here to the city about maybe 40 minutes ago, had a decent flight coming over here was a little delayed, but this guy in front of us. Oh my God. You guys think I'm

an asshole? I know you do. I know you do. I know you think I give me a ton of shit. This fucking guy was just one of the most horrible human beings who's the weirdest thing like he was walking around like talking to everybody. Just one of those older guys that just talks all the time. First of all, when he sat down, he's got one of those, I live the good life guts or one of those bodies, you know, where your legs and arms are the exact same size, like super skinny. And then he's just got this belly. And he, one of those people that starts to sit down and then the weight of the decisions that they've put down their mouth just takes over and then they just give up. They don't use any leg muscles. They just collapse into the seat. And that's what he would do every time

he would go down about a third of the way and then just free fall into his chair. And then at the top of his lungs would go, ah, what he sat down, which to me was funny. That was just like, this is an old guy. He doesn't give a fuck. He's probably going to have a couple of something, you know, a couple of sasperillas on the flight. But dude, he was so fucking rude and mean to his wife. He was nasty. He kept telling her to shut up. Like I tell me to shut up and I'm joking around. This guy was serious. But one part, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, where are my books? And I heard her mumble something. I guess she said what? And he just goes, my books, like yell that and then everybody else he'd walk up to be like, ah, I used to work for this place. And

we had a great time there. Gee, your cutie's a button. Fucking weird as shit. So, so we're sitting there and we're reading, right fromage, whatever the fuck they're giving us. I love it. That's it. That's that's their idea of a dessert. Cheese. The fuck is wrong with you. Put it on a burger. Take this back and go put it on a burger, right? And then they have like a date. And that's supposed to be like your sugar. God knows, you know, that's probably the right way to eat. Who knows, they're all fucking skinny over here, but they smoke like a goddamn chimney. So I mean, I always think that that's why they're so skinny. So anyways, I'm trying to watch a couple of movies, but my movie thing, every time I go to watch it, I'll get a half hour in and then the

dialogue gets like the audio gets like five minutes behind the movie, which I guess I deserve. That was my punishment for doing my last fucking podcast and mono, right? Let me make sure this thing is even recording here. Okay. So I started watching a Capote with the late great Philip Seymour Hoffman. That guy was fucking unbelievable. I was enjoying the hell out of the movie. First of all, because I saw in cold blood a long time ago with Robert Blake and somebody else, one of the most amazingly shot movies. Well, I guess Truman Capote wrote the book God knows I don't read. So but I knew a little bit of the backstory and I was really into it and all of a sudden the audio was like five minutes behind. So then I put on American sniper. And I was really enjoying that.

Bradley Cooper was great. He was picking everybody off. I liked how they had the soldiers seem to be talking the way they would talk the way they would talk, you know, a bunch of savages over here and animals just the way you dehumanize the enemy and all that type of shit. I was enjoying the hell out of it. You know, and I also I really respect I was almost going to say archery. What do you call it? That's with the bow and arrow. What's when you're good with the pistol and the rifle? What are you a sharpshooter? I just really respect I really respect anybody that is a master of anything and and weaponry. I think it's just a really cool thing. You know what I mean? Being a fucking sniper is badass. It's fucking nice throat shot. Just taking

people out controlling your breathing and all of that. I was really getting into it really enjoying it. And then all of a sudden, like the most, you know, they're going after this butcher guy. And when it was getting really fucking good, the audio kicked out again. And so I was like, all right, fuck this, whatever, I'm going to go to sleep. So I start I'm in the middle of sleeping and I hear this glass hit the floor or something. And the guy had spilled his water, the nasty guy up front in the row in front of us, or he had spilled. His wife had spilled the water and he was he just started screaming at the top of his fucking lungs. It wasn't like every word. He would just like, you know, like the way went my box, he would go like that. He would just be like, oh,

now it's all what he just would yell. I wanted to fucking kill this guy. He's just he was yelling like he was walking around in his underwear in his own fucking house. And nobody would say anything to the guy, including me. I want to stand up and be like, dude, will you stop fucking yelling at your wife, your old cunt? There's other people on the plane. You're nasty. God, he was fucking nasty, mean son of a bitch. Then he goes to get off the plane. He's walking way out in front of his wife and that type of shit, just like just a fucking asshole, complete asshole, other than that. Other than that, it was a nice flight over here. So, you know, Nia picked out this little apartment. Little is the key fucking word. Jesus Christ. It's fucking thing. Napoleon bangs somebody in

this. Hey, I'm telling you, it's small. You know what I mean? No, seriously, it's fucking old as hell. And so everything in here is like, I guess whoever owns this, you know, they rent them out. So everything is antique. He goes, he's a real antique. So he's like, these are very, very delicate. So you, you sit down like easy, easy, easy. The table, you set the bull down easy. Everything's like, it's like, dude, what the fuck kind of fucking apartment is this? I can't sit down. He said, you know, it's funny too, because his English, you know, he said the last person who stayed here was very strong. And they kind of weakened the chair. And I wanted to be like, you mean fat? But he was a cool guy, man. He explained and everything is that you use the

the stove and he has the day. And he would go da, da, da. Let's say yada, yada, yada over here. And so anyway, so we're fucking over here and I'm psyched. My whole thing, it's my wife's birthday in a couple of days. That's why I brought her over here. And that, you know, when you're as big an asshole as me, you need to do shit like that. That that'll, that'll, that shuts them up for a good two to three days. You know, when you get back, you got a good two to three days where they're like, you know, he took me to Paris, I'm gonna, I'll back off, you know, trying to change him a bitch and about shit. And you know, and then it's, then it's all back to normal. And it doesn't mean shit to other than

unless you bring it up, which you have to do, you got to be like, I just took you to Paris really, three days later, you're still bitching about it. You know, you got, I'm telling you, like you ever see like a boxing match where there's a bigger guy, he just sticks his mitt right in, right in the other dude's face. That's what you got to do. You just got to keep that mitt right in their face. You know, so anyway, so why would I do that? It's such a nice city. And I got to take it to that fucking level. I'm really laying in this, this fucking bed, this IKEA bed next to something that Louis the 14th, probably fucking, I don't know, bang some horror on. And they got a, I'm looking out here, the rooftops. We've got a five floor

walkup. Each floor, the fucking stairs get more like angled, like you'd have to have like 20 beers in you for these stairs to look straight, like, like a lot of these buildings over here, super, super, super fucking old. And they don't do anything to update them. They keep them all original. So they've settled for like three centuries. That's really weird. But I'm up here on the fifth floor and I'm looking out the window here and all I see is like TV antennas. It's reminding me of that Flintstone episode when him and Barney were going to get in trouble and they were driving down the street and he was lassoing all the, the wooden TV antennas, by the way, um, off of the rooftops. So anyways, whatever, I'm, I'm, I'm babbling here this week. I'm on

vacation and, um, I had an unbelievable, uh, unbelievable month. I'm still riding high on the whole, uh, all those shows I did in Boston. So, so here's the deal, you know, I'm going to spend like 10 days here in France and then right, I'm going to be home for like three, four days. And then I start another tour of the West coast and that ends up in Vegas and then Tucson. So I'm like, well, there goes my entire June. So I've been doing the helicopter lessons and I was done. I basically been done with ground school, um, since like February, but I worked a lot in March and April and I was studying for the written part of it. So when I did the Southern tour, I really, you know, that whole month I was studying for the multiple choice part, I should say,

test that you had to fucking take. And, uh, as I told you guys, I passed that and then I had, you know, I was looking at my schedule. I had that run in Boston and then my June was fucked and, uh, you know, flying a helicopter is like anything else. It's like going to the gym. You don't go for fucking two months. You're going to come back, suck and wind. So it's like, dude, I got to fucking put this thing to bed. So I was just talking to my instructor. I was like, dude, I got to take the fucking check ride this month. I got to do it. He was like, I like it. I like it. I like having a plan. Let's do it. So I just studied my fucking balls off this whole month while doing shows. I would literally be in the green room like reading on

fucking airspace and wind correction angles and all of that shit. So long story short, my check ride was on Saturday and your check ride is where you sit down with the FAA guy for like an hour, an hour and a half. And depending on how you're answering the questions, depends on how long it is. If you fucking crushing it, it's, uh, you know, it can be short as a half hour. If it's a little bit longer, you know, if you're not quite getting them, they'll talk to you more. And then if you pass that, then you go out and fly. And it's all these different maneuvers. And, um, and then if you, there's this weird thing where you're either a fail or you passed a bunch of things and you just failed like one thing, like if you failed your steep

approach or your Hoverado or something like that, you could pass everything else. And then when you retook it, you just have to do that one maneuver and show that you could do it. So, um, we're coming right up on it. And they end up looking at my logbook and they realized that I was short on my solo time and I was short on my, uh, on my fucking, um, night flying. So I had to go down there Friday. I was taking it Saturday morning at 9 a.m. So Friday night, I go down there all right around four and I just flew around the traffic pattern. I needed a, uh, one point, uh, I needed a 1.4 and I was flying around, flying around. Tell you one time, I scared the shit out of myself. I was gripping the throttle too much and I started my descent in the low RPM horn came on.

And basically if that drops below 80%, you just fall out of the sky. So when that fucking thing comes on, like you just slam the collective down and I couldn't figure out why it was doing that. For like this split second, I realized I had a death grip, not really death grip. I just had it too fucking tight and I just let go and the RPMs came back up. But you know, I could just roll the RPMs on and put it down. But you know, the first time I've been alone in the helicopter and the low RPM horn came on and, uh, you know, it was kind of like, you know, I brought it in for a landing and just kind of sat there on the pad for a second going like, all right, fuck head, don't grab on. It's unbelievable. It's an unbelievable experience. I can't explain it when something

like that happens. Uh, it's like the adrenaline rush and you're slightly nauseous and then you plow through it and you feel fucking awesome about yourself. Um, so anyways, so I did all of that. And then we did, uh, I got my points. I needed 0.7. So I had a total of 10 hours. I had my 10 hours of, uh, solo time. And then I forget what, how many hours I needed of night flight, but I was like 0.7 short, which is, uh, I don't know, what is that seven times, like about 40 minutes. Um, it, it means basically an hour, I believe on the Hobbes meter. Every one is six minutes. There's 10, 10 times six is 60 minutes. I think that's, I believe that's how it goes. So anyways, I'm, uh, you know, flying around with my instructor and he's taken me through the paces and he's

really, really a stickler. Um, and just gets on you about everything. And I'm old enough to, to not be frustrated by it. Cause I'm like, I know this guy is being as hard as the effort, probably being harder than the FAA guy is going to be on me, which is going to help, um, come game time. And, um, so anyways, we did like, you know, auto rotations at night, you know, which is fucked because you can't see where you're going to land until you get down there. And the auto rotation is basically if you had a drive system or a engine failure, you use the weight of the ship, um, to basically, and, and, and the glide Jesus Christ came explaining here, you want to basically establish a 65 knot, uh, attitude and the weight of the ship,

the air rather than being pulled down into the main rotor is now rushing up through it. And that's what's turning it. And you just keep it, you know, you want to keep it in the green. Um, and you can just, you can just bring the thing down and just like set it down on a fucking picnic table when you get good at the shit. I can't do that yet. So we're doing it at night. I'm fucking them up and everything. I'm going, fuck, I'm going to flunk this thing. And my instructor's going, don't psych yourself up, blah, blah, blah, blah. So anyways, I know I'm taking drag, dragging this out. So anyways, long story short, Saturday morning, I'm going to take it. I wake up at like fucking three 30 in the morning. I went back to sleep,

woke up at five and then I just, you know, I went over everything one more time. And then I went in there and, uh, I sat down with the guy and I was just like, uh, fuck, here we go. Here we go. I don't want to flunk this fucking thing and then go to Paris and ruin the first fucking day of the vacation, moping around, ruin it for my wife, you know. So I sat down and, uh, I had a really, really cool FAA dude and, uh, you know, we went through the whole thing and, you know, I was getting a lot of questions, but I got, uh, I felt like I got a lot wrong too, but I got a lot right. And, um, and then he finally, and I saw who's getting towards the end of it. And I was just going, I was going,

oh my God, he's going to tell me I gotta fucking take this over. And, uh, which is embarrassing because your instructors are there at the school. You're going to come walking out like I failed and, um, we finished and he goes, all right. He goes, that was adequate. Let's go fly. And I was thinking, I thought that was horrific. All right. So we go out there and I'm thinking like, all right. Now I'm two thirds of the fucking way there. So now we're walking out there. We're doing the pre-flight. And, um, I was just thinking of something my instructor said was just like, just, you know, slow controlled movements. And I just made that like my, my mission statement that I was going to fly controlled smoothly and as much as I can, just to demonstrate that I had

control of the aircraft. And, uh, so we go up, right? And, uh, we start, of course, it's fucking hazy as shit. It's the most hazy goddamn fucking day I've ever flown in. I mean, I couldn't believe it was still like visual flight rules. Like that's how fucking hazy it was. So the first thing we're doing was we're flying up to this place, Rose Hills, to do these, uh, pinnacle landings, which is, uh, basically if you're, it's like, you remember in MASH when they were flying around the Hollywood Hills and they'd find a patch of dirt to land on. That's what you got to do. So you got to do your high reconnaissance first and you got to be talking out loud going, all right, it looks like it's hard packed dirt. Sloping down like four degrees. I got trees on this side. The wind's

coming from here. Sun is not going to be a factor. You got to be saying all of that shit while you're maintaining your fucking altitude, which is, you know, not going up and down and that type of shit, which is, you know, it's not easy when you start out. So we started heading up there and I lucked out. It was so fucking hazy. We ended up, you know, he goes, turn around, take me to Compton. Compton has an uncontrolled airport. So I turned back around. I'm making my calls and, uh, on the radio and I think I'm doing all right. And I'm thinking like, I've never gone to Compton this way. And I know basically where it is. I fly out of Long Beach. So I know how to get it where I fly, you know, West Ward, low departure and you follow this road and you get

to these oil tanks and you bang a right, except we're north of that shit. So all I'm doing is I'm looking for the fucking courthouse. So I'm trying to stay cool. And I'm like, if I can't find this thing, I'm going to flunk this fucking thing. And we're coming through the haze and all of a sudden I just see it sitting right over there. And, um, we did a couple of maneuvers there. At one point I was so nervous. I forgot to do a clearing turn and he was all right with that. Um, I did a running landing. Um, that one went great. Running landing was basically if you were coming in, if you were at high density altitude, which means the air is really thin, you wouldn't be able to, you wouldn't be able to hold a hover. So if you actually came in how you know your normal approach, if you want

to try to hold a hover, you just basically you'd crash. Um, so what you do is a running landing, which is you basically come in like an airplane does. It's actually one of my favorite things to do maneuvers and you put it down on the skids and you fucking slide and your brand gradually bringing the collective down, which is the thing that looks like the emergency break that your power, you know, you just gradually bringing it down, creating more and more friction as you stop and then you're steering, you know, the nose with your feet. And, uh, I did well on that. And, um, I thought I did anyways, he's not saying shit. So he told me, because if I'm not saying anything, you know, that doesn't mean you're not doing well, you know, that you're doing fine. If you see me

writing down, that doesn't, you know, I could be taking a lunch order. He was real cool, really put me at ease. So then I did, uh, a normal approach and then I did a steep approach. Then we did the landing off airport shit. And then we did a hover auto and the hover auto is basically if you were in a hover, like eight feet off the ground or so. And, um, all of a sudden your engine, you drive train system quit. Um, the engine quicks, it's going to kick it. The nose is going to kick to the left and then you go right pedal. It's pedal, settle, cushion is what you're supposed to think. Right. And we just done the, the, which is basically you go right pedal to get your nose straight and then you settle your dropping and right before you hit the ground, you pull the

collective up and that cushions your landing. So the fucking, he does it and I'm thinking pedals to settle cushion and he does it in the low RPM horn comes on and I'm trained like a lab wrap to slam the collected down. So I put the collective down and I was like, no, no, no, up, up, up. We landed hard and then he just goes, now, why would you do that? Why would you do? I was like, sorry, man. I go, I go, I was nervous, man. Let me just, you can ask him, like, let me, let me try that again. He goes, all right, do it again. And then I nailed it the second time. Then I was thinking like, I just fucking flunked it. I just flunked it. The way he said, now, why would you do that? I felt like I was going to pass you and now I can't. So, so then we got to do the last

thing, the auto rotation. So we fly around, we come in and he counts it down three, two, one, we do it. And for a lot of the time, the fucking low RPM horn was on, but I kept it. But I wasn't losing. It was just underneath 97% or whatever, 101%. And then I get it back up in and then I come back down or whatever. And I, but I guess it was good enough or whatever. So he goes, all right, let's, but I didn't know. So he goes, all right, let's go back to Long Beach. So I'm thinking like, fuck, I just flunked it. Is it over? I don't know what's going on. So we're flying back and I'm talking to the guy and he's like a test pilot for these things. And he's telling me all these cool stories and shit. And at that point, we flew over to Torrance. We'd already in Torrance

where I did the other half of that shit. So I was just thinking to myself on the way over there, I was like, you know what, even if I flunk this fucking thing, how cool is it that I'm doing a check ride in a fucking helicopter right now? If you told me this a year and a half ago, I wouldn't believe it, right? So fuck it, just keep yourself in that mindset. So we ended up, we go back to the Long Beach, land over at Aeroplex, set it down, fuck it, set it down real nice. And he's not saying anything. And I'm like, I'm not going to ask him. And then I'm thinking, well, ask him, it's not going to change either way, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I'm taking everything out and I left the key and the ignition. And I was like, oh, fuck, because he pointed, he goes,

you left your key there. I was like, Oh, God, is that the tipping point? What's going on? So, you know, put the wheels on it, we wheel the thing back. And then as we start walking back in, he said, all right, you passed. And I couldn't fucking believe it. I couldn't believe it. And so there you go. That was my, that was my Saturday morning. Old Freckles is officially a licensed pilot. And I am, I am licensed to fly helicopters up to 12,500 pounds. How fucking cool is that? So anyways, tonight, I know what you're thinking. So what do you do? Are you going to go fly around? It's like, no, I'm not. I'm going to go take the advanced auto rotation class because I don't think my reaction

time, I didn't like it with the low RPM born. I didn't think it was quick enough. And I want to get like, you take that one, like the low RPM that I have to do now to pass my test, I just had to take it down to the flare, which is basically, you know, 40 feet off the ground, gentle lap cyclic, and you're basically killing your airspeed and your descent. And you basically stop in the air. And then that's when we roll back on the throttle, we fly away the advanced, you got to take it all the way to the ground. So then you actually come in lower. And then as you drop down, then you just like the hover auto, you pull the fucking collective to cushion it. And I've watched these guys do it, they're fucking amazing at it. And it's like, I want to be able to do that.

If I can, if I can fucking do that, then I'll start flying around the LA Basin. So for those of you thinking like, Billy, you're out of your fucking mind, I'm taking it really seriously. And so I'm going to pass that class and get 200 hours under my belt before I ever take anybody up by now. But I still can't fucking believe it. I can't fucking believe it. And that great thing now is that fucking goddamn weight is off of my chest. I passed it. And my instructor told me, goes, this is the biggest hill to climb as far as like just getting your license, getting through just starting from fucking zero and getting all the way up there. But I don't know, getting instrument rated sounds like it's a motherfucking tune. It's like 40 fucking

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All right. So anyways, I was reading another fucking thing, you know, I talked about the baby seals are washing up on the shores of the West Coast, because the oceans are fished out. Now on the East Coast of the United States, you got fucking a bunch of turtles are just dying off because there's something like this too much because the temperature went up. There's too much algae in the water which creates something and which just gets into the fucking turtle shells. It gets them infected and actually paralyzes them and they just drown and they fucking die. And I'm telling you, I think I finally figured out why they never address the population problem. And it's basically because the upper 1% does not view it as a problem. They view it as an opportunity

to make more money. You know what I mean? To hoard water and do all of that shit. I was watching this thing on the plane about cities of the future that they're making. I mean, it's apt like the whole fucking thing is total big brother. They're saying everybody is going to start migrating towards the cities. And you have like fucking 8 billion people living in the city. Who's going to live out in the country? You know, those fat cat rich people. And you know what? Eventually it's going to come. It's going to happen that it's going to be illegal for a regular person to fucking go out into the country. You're going to be shot on sight. It's insane. If they really wanted to be responsible, what they would be doing of

being encouraging people to have less children, let's level off its 7 billion people and let's try to dial it back. You know, dial it down. Everybody has one fucking kid. And then the people who don't have kids or people who die or people who can't have kids or gay people, right? You know, it'll actually cut off more than a half the way I look at it, right? With one generation could cut itself in half. And then the next generation cuts itself in half and the next one cuts itself in half, right? And then after, you know, the older generations that had three or four, they all die off. If you have like a string of four generations that all had one kid, you can go from 7 billion all the way down to three and a half million. I think my math is correct on that.

I don't fucking know. But they don't bring it up. They don't. They just fucking figure out new ways to corral people and we're going to be eating powdered food. It's fucking, it's terrible, man. I don't have anything fucking funny to say about it. Let's just go to something funny. Let's talk about soccer. Speaking of billions of goddamn people. All right, everybody in America doesn't give a fuck about soccer. You know, it's funny because that Fifa or FIFA, whatever the fuck they're called the FIFA, the ruling governing body of world soccer, world cup soccer. I don't even know what they are. I'm American. I don't give a shit, right? I really don't. I've finally given up on that sport. I sat down. I tried to fucking watch it. It's so fucking boring and the crying

and laying. I know I've said it a zillion times. I can't like if I'm in England or something like that, there's a Premier League game and I go there, I go to the game and I'm sucking down some beers then I could get into it. They're singing songs and shit and I just, I don't know, whatever. It's like you're in a pub with no seats, right? That's basically what's happening. Well, they are, but you never sit down. So anyways, they're in trouble. First of all, this is how big soccer is, by the way, football. Let me have some respect here. Call it by its real name, football. All right, for all the fellow Americans that listen to this shit, this is how big world cup soccer is. They had some big championship match recently that wasn't the world cup or maybe it was the world cup.

Let's just say it was the world cup. The worldwide viewing viewership was 3.5 billion. It was like half the planet. They got a 50 share on the planet. All right. And they, I was listening to the end, something like NPR, like to put that into perspective, the Super Bowl had 150 million viewers. So if you're looking at it like a TV show, the Super Bowl would get canceled to be an absolute fucking flop. So that's how big this sport is and that's how big that fucking league is. So surprise, surprise, there's a lot of people jockeying to get the championship game in their country. There's a lot of people jockeying to get the fucking TV rights. So there's a lot of paola. There's

a lot of kickbacks. There's a lot of coke. There's a lot of horse. Surprise, surprise. So here's the funniest fucking thing. Is there being prosecuted? Some of them, like nine of them got busted and one network executive has taken up the fall for an entire fucking network. Just hilarious to me. I'd love to see what his payoff is after he goes to that fucking, you know, white collar jail. It's probably at the same place where they play Wimbledon, right? And the United States Department of Justice is the one pressing charges. And I'm thinking like, what in the fuck? How are we involved in this shit? We don't even like the game. This is just gonna be another reason for people to fucking hate us. But I guess they did all

their shit with American banks. So it fell under our jurisdiction. So not only did we not give a fuck about the game, we're now going to sit there and break their fucking balls about corruption. You know what I mean? Because we don't tolerate corruption here in the United States. Everything's above board over here. Hang on, I got to blow my nose. I apologize. Yeah, just stupid as shit ever. Like there's a fucking zillion dollars at stake. Obviously, there's going to be whores. There's going to be drugs. There's going to be a lot of underhand and shit going on, but nobody got killed, right? The only thing that they really, I thought was fucked up was they've been accused of fixing a couple of games. I thought that that

was fucked up. Although if it's down on a worldwide level, you know, you do it in some shit bomb country, you know, and I know you're not supposed to say that. But the fact that I haven't named a shit bomb country, can't we all agree that there are shit bomb countries? You know what I mean? Because for all you know, I'm not talking about you. There's just, there's just like, you know what I mean? There's nice cars in this cars. There's just like, this really isn't a car. This is a shit box. This was not done correctly. You know what I mean? The physics of it, it's still fucking working. Look, I'm not saying the trees aren't beautiful. I'm not saying the people aren't beautiful. I'm just saying the way the whole fucking

thing's set up. Or if it's being crushed by more powerful nations, you know, I'll give you a pass shit. I fucked up a hover auto that guy gave me a pass. I can't give your country up. You know what the fuck I'm saying? There's two shitty as fucking teams playing each other. You know what I mean? To make an interest interesting. Let's let's fix the game. I don't fucking know. I'm just embarrassed that we're involved in it. And I also think it's fucking hilarious. Huh? The rest of the world, you bunch of scumbags can't even run a fucking legitimate league like we do here in the United States, the national football league. There's, there's an upstanding, it's an upstanding league. It's all fucking corrupt. It's all corrupt. We take

money from fucking cancer to buy yachts and act like we're fucking helping out people who are sick. You know, those fucking cunts over over here in France, what do they do, right? The whole fucking bike thing is, is, is, is, uh, filthy from top to bottom. Lance Armstrong figures it out, goes, all right, that's how the games played. I'm going to play it better than anybody else. Those fucking assholes, they couldn't catch him. They had to wait to 10 years later where they froze his fucking urine or some shit, because they finally had to test advanced enough to catch the guy. I actually feel like the statute of limitations sort of run out on that. I don't mind corruption in sports unless you're like fixing the game. You know what I mean?

If you're actually fixing the outcome of the game, then that bugs me. But as far as like performance enhancing drugs and like cycling, I don't give a shit. All right. These people are riding a bicycle 60 miles an hour up and down a fucking mountain. They're obviously on something and everybody's on something. All right. They're all on something. At that point, it becomes fair. I think, and I say, let them do the drugs. Let them do the drugs. Let's see the side effects. Let's adjust them. And then once it's all safe, give it a meek. Give it to a guy like me. Right? I'm turning 47 in a few weeks. I'd love to get the spring in my step back. You know, wish it was a steroids for your hair. Wouldn't that be amazing if you had like,

like fucking Mark McGuire, like his forearms, you had that level hair. Every once in a while, see a guy like that, like my age with hair like that. It's just like, ah, dude, you got no fucking idea how fucking lucky you are, you motherfucker. All right. Let me read some, some of the questions here for this week. We're up to 41 minutes here. All right. Sinatra comparison. Hey, Billy Big Leagues. This week on Billy Check Ride. Oh, Billy Big Day. I recall a few months back, you mentioned Frank Sinatra at the end of his career. Well, driving down highway 80, I saw a billboard for the Silver Legacy Casino in Reno with you and Frank Sinatra Jr. sharing the same weekend as well as the same

billboard. Oh man, I'd love to meet the guy. Maybe this will drive you further to become that slum lord you've always dreamed about being after you retire from, after you retire from comedy. I'll try to take a picture of it. The next time I pass it, can't wait to see in Sacramento. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Oh, it's hilarious. Yeah, I told you guys that story like the way Sinatra retired the right way the first time. And whatever that line he had that ended that song, you stand in the spotlight, you know, something like excuse me while I something step aside or something, he just steps out of the light and that was it. And he was gone. And it's like, that's the way you fucking do it. But he kept coming back and it's just, you know,

and I was Sinatra Sinatra had to make a comeback. So I understand how this fucking this business works, like how quickly they forget about, you know, that type of shit. So having said all that, I would love to meet Frank Sinatra Jr. I wonder if I can do that when I'm out there. Well, I think you know what, actually, in Reno has my one of my favorite stores in in in the country. It's bizarre guitar and gun shop. I told you about this. The same guy owns it. It's a strip mall, two stores, one side is a sick ass place with all these guns, every gun you've seen from every fucking Stallone movie back in the day. Awesome guns. And then the other one is guitars, and you walk in the guitar place, it looks like a normal place, but downstairs is where he has his

real collection, this giant fucking safe he has like the third Fender guitar ever made just in like, there was like, I don't know, there was like millions and millions of dollars with vintage guitars downstairs. So I'm a big fan of Reno. I am a big fan of Reno. I actually like it better than Vegas. I don't know why I'm just one of those fucking people. I like the like those kinds of cities better. You know, the ones that are still trying. So the ones like, yeah, we're the shit. Everything's a fuck over. Go fuck yourself. You know what I mean? It's hilarious to say I like those kinds of things as I'm sitting here in Paris. All right, Periscope. Hey, dear Billy Gates. I'm sure it's fucking annoying having people stick their phone

in your face for the people watching on Periscope. That being said, I think you would kill it on there just once or twice a week. You should go on and rev your truck engine while hollering in your southern accent or pester the shit out of Mia. It's Nia with an N people and the lovely Nia. N like Axel Rose, shananananana knees knees. Pester the shit out of Nia while she's trying to read a book. Love the podcast. Now Periscope, this is why I don't like Periscope. Periscope is like so like people just walk it like comics are doing that now. They just walk in with it on like, hey, walking backstage at the comedy store. It's like, dude, shut that fucking thing off. It's like, if you want to turn your life into a TV show, you know, more power to you.

But like, you know, everybody's chilling out here. It's like, I want to do this podcast. I decide what the fuck I'm going to tell you about and what I'm not going to tell you about. And what I'm going to leave and what I'm going to take out in case you don't understand what I just said previously. I literally just said the same thing two times in a row. Whatever. I don't have my headphones on. My headphones are like my fucking lightsaber. It's my security blank. I don't have them on. I'm feeling naked. Okay. I'm feeling very fragile. For someone else to just come walking in. It's fucking annoying as shit. And I advocate the we got to come up with something for people who don't like periscope. I don't know what to call it, but here's a working title the periscope

slap, which is basically somebody comes in and with their phone and they're holding it up to their face, you just fucking slap it right down to the floor. Right. And then you do Bruce Lee's finishing move when he kills him, which is a stomp and then a twist. And you got to do the when you do it, be perfect. Then somebody else films that. Right. No, don't film it because then they'll have evidence. You should do all just, you know, I mean, you or you walk around with a water bottle. You know, like you do for like a fucking cat that won't get off the couch. And when somebody comes in just doing periscope without asking you, you just fucking you spray, you spray the water at ruin their phone, something like that. I advocate. I mean, last week, I

advocated killing your boss. I actually felt bad about that because I just thought about like what if somebody actually went out and did it? The world is so fucked up. I could actually get sued and be like, you know, it was irresponsible, but blah, blah, blah. It's like, yeah, you don't think that that person's a maniac listens to a podcast like, Hey, go commit a murder. And then they go, okay, okay, you told me to do it. You owe me money. Yeah, don't kill your boss. But I advocate slap in the fucking phone out of somebody's hand. Slap it right down to the ground, stomp on it, twist it, knowing full well that you have to pay for it. But you just you're preserving your privacy. It's got to be a politically correct way to say it. You're a you're a privacy warrior.

Sorry. Oh, fuck you. You come up with a goddamn name for it. All right. He was funny. It's my wife's birthday tomorrow is her birthday. And she's a fucking smarty pants. And she always figures out what the fuck I get her. And this this year, I totally threw her off. Totally fucking threw her off. She's got no fucking clue where I'm going to take her what I'm going to do. Well, she knows it's somewhere in Paris, but she has no idea. And right now this might be a lie. This might be a lie, just in case one of you cunts decides to tweet Oh, Bill's going to do something fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, do it. You don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. All right. I can tell you

right now, I only have 50% of an idea what the fuck I'm going to do. All right. So I don't even try to figure it out. All right. It's fucking useless. So it's a waste of your time. Favorite music video downtown Billy Brown. Nice fucking reference. I absolutely fucking love downtown Judy Brown at the biggest fucking crush on her. When I first moved to New York, in like 9596, I went to some benefit thing is hoity, toity thing where my manager at the time knew a bigger manager who was managing a big comic. And we got the tag along and I went there and she was standing just hanging out at the thing. She was fucking gorgeous. Fucking gorgeous. All right. Too early to get into comedy. No such

thing, sir. Dear Bill, I'm 17 and just did my first open mic at a coffee shop. I got a few laughs and a few awkward silences silences, but overall, I enjoyed it. I really want to go to a comedy club soon so I don't have to be so selective about my words. Any advice to someone this young looking to get into this? P.S. I know bombing is part of the process. Problem is I have paper thin skin. Does your height thicken up after a while of bombing? All right. Two things. Any advice on somebody looking to get into this? Dude, you're already into it. It's like you just shot heroin and now you're asking me about heroin. Like you already did it. Now you hooked and you already want to go down to a comedy club. You started at 17. That's not too early. That's fucking great.

And don't listen to the fucking older people who are jealous and be like, dude, you're 17. You got nothing to talk about. You got nothing to talk about. Then watch them go on stage and see what the fuck they're talking about. Dude, shit jokes. Wait, am I talking about myself? Don't listen to them. All right. This is the deal. You're young and there's going to be a lot of people fucking jealous. Okay. And then if you're a guy, there's going to be a couple of old fucking lady comics that are going to try to bang you. Stay away from them. If you're a female, you know, just stay away from anybody who tells jokes because they're all going to try to bang you. So fucking it's a job. Go down there and get better at it. Surround yourself with positive,

motivated people that you feel are going to make it and they're not doing this just fucking around. And you guys will all feed off of each other's drive. That's what happened to me in Boston when I started, I started with Dane and Patrice O'Neill, rest is soul. And we were down at Nick's comedy stop down on warrantson street in Boston. We were down there every fucking night unless we had a gig elsewhere. And even then a lot of times we would drive back in there. We were there every fucking night. And I remember one little great compliments I got when I first started out. This guy came walking in and I was late and I was already there, you know, right down my jokes. And he looked at me and said, dude, you are everywhere. And it's just like, yeah, yeah, I am.

So that's what you got to be doing. And you can't just do like comedy clubs. You got to do stand up any way you can. And as far as bombing, yes, it is part of the process. Every, you know, I had a paper thin skinned. I was shy. I was introverted. I had all of that. And it just was fucking all when you were bombing, it was just just sucks. It just sucks in the beginning. But the same way you learn how to kill, you're going to learn how to bomb and you learn how to like have, hold your, hold your ground and you'll have, you'll have poise while bombing. And then when you get to a really high level of bombing is you'll, you'll begin to understand if you're bombing, because if it's your fault, if it's the crowd's fault, if it's the

setup, if it's half the crowd, half you, if it's 60% you and that, that to me is the best thing when if you figure out it's you, then you just start making fun of yourself. If you figure out it's them, you start giving them shit and they loosen up a little bit. If it's a little bit in the middle, you sort of make fun of yourself while you're ripping them, you'll figure out the whole recipe to the thing. But you know, I think it's great you start and it takes a lot of balls 17 to start out. So my, my fucking, my hat is off to you. All right. Helicopter loser. High bill. And in quotes, it said, Oh my God, I'm a loser. I'll never own a helicopter. I'm a disgrace. And I said, that's from Bill Burr, emotionally unavailable. That's quoting one of my jokes. I said, Do you

remember saying this during the MTV Cribs bit? Feel like you made it now big shot. Helicopter guy, go fuck yourself. But seriously, well done on the helicopter driving. Thank you. Oh yeah. I remember that bit. I didn't know that I've said helicopter, but I remember talking about how MTV Cribs, how you would watch that show and you just end up feeling like a fucking loser because it was all like these, you know, am I really going to say Britney Spears twice in this fucking podcast? Yes, it is 2015. All those fucking people's houses back then. Cisco's house. The one hit wonders who they all had betleys and all of this shit. They made you feel like a loser. He's a fucking inside joke. Inside story on on that. All right. When I did that bit.

One night I did it at the comedy cellar in the late great Greg Gerard, though rest his soul. He came up to me after I did the bit. He goes, dude, he goes, just to let you know, I have a bit on MTV Cribs and it's almost word for word. The exact same bit. It's exact same angle. And both of us were just in a part of our career where we were right in our hours and we, I didn't have anything else. And I was just like, ah, man, he's, it's like neither one of us wanted to draw. You have to have the conversation. Usually someone's like, I'll drop it. No, you do it. No, no, you know, and I've usually been the one that I was always like, I'll drop it. I'll drop it

because I didn't want any of my shit. You know, somebody else seen somebody else doing that, thinking I'm stealing. So we both just sat there going like stare at the floor and then we both just started laughing and going like, all right, we'll only do that joke on the road. So me and Gerardo had this, this gentleman's agreement that even though we didn't steal from each other, but we basically had the exact same bit that we would only do it on the road. So that's what happened. And we never really talked about it again. And we both just kind of forgot that we kind of had the same joke. And then like the same season, we both got a half hour on Comedy Central and we, and we both did the bit. And I remember my special came out first and I

remember getting an email and somebody going, Hey, bro, just to let you know, Greg Gerardo stole your, stole your MTV Cribs bit. And I've got like, Oh, fuck that's right. He's got the same thing. So I emailed the kid back, told him the story. And then I called Gerardo and we both just started laughing. And we're trying to guess which one of us was going to be, you know, called a joke thief more. Wow, that was, wow, that was way back, way, way back. It was like 2002. Oh my God, I'm a loser. I'll never own a helicopter. I'm a disgrace. Jesus Christ. That's fucked. I remember saying that here I am years later, years later, years later. All right, let me read a couple more of these, these, these advertising things here and I can

wrap this podcast up and hopefully I'll be able to upload this with the Euro fucking internet here. Please tell me that's not wind chimes. Is that a fucking telephone? I'm not answering that shit. Hello, this is Louis. Legal zoom, everybody. Are you, are you the next world famous entrepreneur? No. Or maybe you don't care about fame. Nope, wrong again. Oh, for two, they're legal zoom. You just want to help people. Oh, for fucking three. But maybe one of those three or all three pertains to you. Whatever your motivation, if you're an innovator, it's an easy, it's easy to launch your dream this month with legal zoom to incorporate or form an LLC to start your business.

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top of the homepage and type in Burr BURR. All right. There we go. So before I check out here and begin my fucking vacation here, what are you going to do, Bill? You know what I'm going to do? I'm not doing shit. I'm going to sit in the cafes and I don't know, eat some fucking or some of their food. I forget what that beer was that I liked the last time I was over here. I'm looking forward to doing that. But to be honest with you, I just want to chill out, not be an asshole and make sure my wife has a good time. To be honest with you, that's going to be my attempt because I don't want to end up like that guy. That guy was so, I was fucking depressing. I felt bad, like his wife was just sitting there

taking it. One of those old school fucking women, just someone needed to take her aside and be like, you can't take this from this guy. You got to fucking slap him around or something. I don't know what. So anyways, let's talk about the NHL finals, which I'm going to fucking miss over here unless I can find an NHL bar. I know, I know you can watch it online with the password and I'll probably fuck it up. But anyways, Blackhawks versus the Tampa Bay Lightning. I'm going to tell you something right now. Jonathan Taves, that guy, he is in the process of being one of those guys they're going to be selling his jersey like 20 years from now. And little kids in 20 years are going to know who he is. That fucking guy, he's just a man. That guy just fucking steps up.

That game seven against the Ducks and congratulations to the Ducks too. What a season they had. Just a great fucking team. And just game seven, they're on the road in Anaheim and just right in the first two minutes just shuts the crowd the fuck up with a goal and then scores another one and the first period it's two to nothing and Tave scored both fucking goals. It's just the guy is he's just he's the shit. So I don't know who isn't a fan of greatness. So this usually I like the underdog and I like Tampa Bay and I really like you know Steve Eisenman everything that he's done with that thing. So if Tampa Bay wins, I'll be I'll also be happy. But like I obviously just having a player like Taves get a third is it's great for the game. And it's also great for Chicago

because then now you know when they do their their whole like the great people of who are the greats of Chicago sports, right? Bobby Hull, Michael Jordan, I'm sorry Walter Payton, Michael Jordan and then Taves is going to be right in there, right? He gets his third. Wait, we gotta they might have a great Ernie Banks. Who's a who's a great white sock? I don't know that shoe was Joe Jackson from the fucking black socks. I hate that they call them the black socks. It's like no, they were the fucking white socks. And they they fixed the World Series. Now that my friends, that was cheating. Fucking air pressure. I'll never get over it. I'll never get over it. Anyways. So obviously, I think the blackhawks are going to win just because they're

so deep in the the experience they have. But I'm really bummed out that I'm not going to fucking see it. I'll figure a fucking way to do it. And then what's the other one we got here? Oh, let me sit in this fucking antique chair. I hope it doesn't break. Who else is it? Oh, LeBron versus what's his face? Steph Curry. I don't know shit about basketball. All I know is Curry is one of the most amazing basketball players I've ever seen in my life. But I got to be honest with you, I am so sick of a close up on his face while he's chewing his mouthpiece. It's fucking gross. Okay, just keep it in your fucking mind. I hate that shit. You know what it's going to do? Because he's so good. It's going to inspire an entire generation of young kids to walk around with

their chewing on their fucking mouthpiece after every fucking play because they want to be like him. You know, remember when you want to be like Mike, you just stuck your tongue out and tried to dunk as you floated in sideways, then you just tripped and fell. Now they're going to have to fucking that thing hanging out of their mouth. But I don't know who to root for there. I love the whole thing that LeBron came back in one one for fucking Cleveland, but they could finally put their fucking wine in all the time about how awful their sports situation is. But then on the other side, I like Golden State, man. Golden State to me, like that team is like, what was that Will Ferrell movie? Semi pro? Like to me, Golden State is like, they got the sickest floor in the NBA.

But before they had a man like where they play is just old school sports. There's not a lot of venues like that anymore. I went to a game there a long time ago when they played the Spurs. David Robinson was still in the team. He was in street clothes though. And what's his face was really young. Captain from the big fundamental there, whatever the fuck his name is. But anyways, they have the sickest live band there. So you know what? This is tough. I think I got to go. I got to go for the Warriors. You know why? Because Al Madrigal is a Warriors fan. And he's the fucking driving force behind the all things comedy network. There you go. That tipped it in favor. I know you're like, what about Jason Lawhead? What about Jason Lawhead? Well, you know what?

The Buckeyes won it this year. So he's already got a championship. So I'm rooting for the Warriors. There you go. I'm rooting for the Warriors. And I'm rooting for the Blackhawks, the greatness of Jonathan Taves. I want to see, I want to see him get his third one and plus original six. And I also got to be honest with you, the fucking Blackhawks, that that home jersey, which used to be the away that red one, that's one of the best jerseys in all the fucking sports. All right, that's the deal, everybody. Thank you to everybody that's listening. I'm going to generous move here. I'm still going to tell you go fuck yourselves, but I'm just so fucking psyched. I finally got the helicopter thing done. And then I can now go on to actually really learn how to

fly the fucking thing, which is really what your pilot's license is. It's a license to learn, they say. So I got to get on that shit. So that is it. I'm going to do another goddamn comedy jam coming up this month. So I got to get my drum and chops back together. I've been nothing but helicopters this month. So I brought my little fucking pad over here. You know, I'm going to parallel my fucking way back into drumming shape. But when I come back, I forget what date that is, but they'll have it up on their website. As always, please visit the All Things Comedy Network. And that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.