Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-10-13

Episode Date: June 10, 2013

Bill rambles about aging, PG-13 Zombie Movies and aliens in the Government.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 10th, 2013. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, you red cunt. Happy birthday to me. Yeah. What's going on? Oh, sorry, just yelled there. I'm excited. This is the first time I've been doing, been doing this podcast for six years and not once has the, have the podcasting gods ever graced me with the podcast that actually fell on my birthday. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to say, despite the fact that there are over 7,458 podcasts on my street alone, that I am the first podcaster to ever host a fucking podcast on his birthday. I'm putting that out there. All right. You can go Wikipedia, Google it or do whatever

the fuck you want to do with it. I'm telling you, I'm the first one who ever did it. These other guys and women who said that they did it, they're just talking. All right, let's just talk over there. I'm actually fucking doing it. So I don't know what you're thinking right now. You're like, well, Bill, it's your birthday. First question. Everybody asks how old are you now? I'm 45. Let me tell you something about the fives for all you youngsters out there. It's not the ones. It's not the twos. It's not the sevens. It's the fives. The fives get you. You know what I mean? 25. You know, 24 kind of scares you, but 25. Fuck. Here we go. Sliding into 30. You know, that's when you're right on top of the fence there, right? The fucking Berlin wall. You know,

which way am I going to fall? Free side or the countryside, right? Aging is like, it's like reverse progress. So you would actually, when you get to the fives, you fall back over into fucking post-World War II. I guess from now until forever is going to be post-World War II, Bill. You know what the fuck I'm talking about? Whenever they put up that goddamn wall, when did they put it up? They put it up during Kennedy. Oh, was it in 1948? Oh, was that Israel? I don't fucking remember. 35 was a bitch. They all suck. I'm not going to lie to you. They all suck, but 35 was a bitch. And now 45. I'm sliding into 50. Does that even make sense? I'm still doing pull-ups. How can I be 45 when I'm still doing pull-ups? That doesn't make any fucking sense.

Because when I was a kid, old people, nobody, actually nobody worked out when I was a kid. Nobody, like I've never seen my dad try to touch his toes my entire fucking life. I've never seen him do a jumping jack. I never saw any of his friends. None of them. They just rolled out of bed, you know, sat on the side of the bed for a second going, oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God, I'm tired. And then they get up, brush your teeth, take a shower, put on some clothes, have bacon and eggs, and go out to work. You know? And then they fucking come home. They'd walk through the door and be like, all right, all right, call it. Everybody would shut the fuck up. And then they'd sit down and they eat their fucking beef stew.

And then they'd go in the living room. They'd sit down in their chair. Oh, Jesus Christ. Fucking tired. What? What'd you do today? Yeah, Billy, listen, I'm tired. Okay. All right, just go to your room. Go to your room. You know, then they'd watch a little bit of TV, right? And within two hours, their fucking head was just bad. All right. And that was that day. There was no working out whatsoever. There was maybe like two people who still do pull-ups at 45 when I was a kid. And it was like Johnny Weissmiller. And that guy who did the juicer, who used to dress like Arthur Fonzarelli when he worked on Cars on Happy Days. I want to three o'clock. Hey, do you know something? I tell

you this, I actually, I can't remember because I did that, that quick podcast in the middle of the week. I did an episode of Nick Kroll's show and I got to work with Ron Howard's dad. And he was, you know, he was in Coolhand Luke and he actually told me stories about being in the, I guess he's in, he had a small role and he's in the last scene where Coolhand Luke, for those of you who haven't seen it yet, spoiler alert. All right, stick your fingers in your ears and go for the next fucking 10 seconds. All right. Because I don't want to hear your shit. And at the end of the movie, when Coolhand Luke gets shot in the church, he's part of the cops, you know, that had taken him out. And then what we've got here,

that guy says, no, we'll take him from here. He's in that scene. Absolutely legendary. And he said they shot it up in Bakersfield, California. So there you go. And the guy was hilarious. I think it was like 85 years old, improv and still sharp as hell. It was awesome. Great, great guy. So thanks to Kroll's show and Nick Kroll for getting me on, because if he didn't, I wouldn't have had that experience. And please watch the Kroll's show because I think that dude's a fucking genius. There you go. There's my plug for the, look at that on my birthday, hyping somebody else's project. You know what? That isn't right. That isn't right at all. It's very generous.

Why are you being a martyr, Bill? Huh? Don't cry for me, fucking Billy. I'm going to, I'm going to hype something right now. Hey, Bill, nobody's stopping you. It's just stupid podcast. All right. Fucking grumpy cunt. Tickets for the Billy Red State tour are now on sale for a number of the venues specifically. My first two dates, one in Boise, Idaho and the other one in Bozeman. Hope I'm saying that right. Montana, the last state in the union that I've never been to. And here's the deal. You know, a lot of East Coast comics like myself, we never traveled these states unless we're doing some college gig or some shit, but we usually don't come through here. So it would be great if you guys gave me

some wonderful stories to tell all my fucking hilarious comedian friends about where to go to play, you know? Hi, Montana. You want the sensation, the teen idol sensation, Joe fucking DeRosa to grace big sky country within God damn it. Sell a pair of your wrangler jeans, get off the meth, whatever you gotta fucking do and come down to my show. I'm just fucking with you guys. I'm hoping that I'm going to sell tickets out there, what it really is. And I'm nervous that I'm not going to, which is why I'm already trying to guilt you guys into the fact that I'm going to spread rumors that you guys don't like East Coast comics, even though I'm a Hollywood sellout out here. So anyways, that's the deal.

The Billy Red State tour is coming to a state near you, make stops in Idaho, Montana, South Dakota, obscure places in Colorado. I don't have the dates in front of me, Kansas, Oklahoma, and El Paso, Texas is where it wraps up. And we'd love to see you. I'm working on a badass t-shirt that I'm going to be selling and selling only on the on the red, red state tour. And that's it. All right, there you go. I'm done plugging the shit. So let's get on to this movie that I wanted to see until I saw the rating. And now it's fucking annoying the shit out of me is, you know, it's the summer season. You know, there's actually a wonderful movie coming up called The Heat that a certain someone might be in. If you watch the trailer, The Heat starring Sandra Bullock

and Melissa McCarthy, if you guys could hook me up and go buy a movie ticket to that one, that would be tremendous. And, you know, be something that I would enjoy. Oh, shit. Is it any wonder why they don't have me do press for anything? What the fuck, Brad Pitt? I'm looking this up right now. War Z. What is the name of this fucking movie? World War Z. Oh, there we go. Now here's a fucking movie. Here's a guy. There's a fucking movie that I wanted to see. Brad Pitt, World War Z. End of the fucking world. Right. The zombies. This is shit. The world as we know it will not exist in I don't know how many days one of the great fucking lines, the kind of line that makes me want to get off my fucking couch,

you know, put on my slippers, put on a smoking jacket and go down to the local movie theater and take in a picture, right? And then in the end of it, after they show everybody running for their fucking lives, it's the end of the goddamn world. World War Z. What? What? What? I don't even know what that is. It was World War One, World War Two. They said fuck all the numbers right through infinity. Fuck the entire alphabet all the way to the last letter. World War Z. I'm, I'm fucking, I'm there. I got to see this shit. And then in the end, what do they do to me? Rated PG 13. Oh, go fuck yourself. All right. And that's not to go fuck yourself to Brad Pitt or the director or anybody else that I'm trying not to burn a bridge with. It's a fuck you to the cunts.

I know that that was a rated R movie. In fact, I've heard that it was and they fucking took the knees out of it and they fucking drag it down into PG 13. All right. I don't give a fuck who you are. If the world is ending and you're getting chased by zombies, you're not running around going oh golly gee, oh heck. Crime in his odd Jiminy cricket. And once every 10 minutes you go, oh shit. You know, you don't. It's the end of the world with zombies. From the beginning, once they discover the zombies to the end of that movie where they hopefully solve the problem, should be a bunch of people, wait, 85% of the people going fuck what the fuck are you gonna do? And then the other 15% should be grabbing them by the shoulders going for Christ sake,

get a fucking hold of yourself. Right. That should be most of the dialogue in that movie. But now, now, I don't know why I just said it that way. Now it's PG 13. So what are they gonna do? Well, what's gonna happen? Are they gonna slowly, you know, have some metaphor for why we should not stop using fucking plastic water bottles? Are they gonna weave that into the storyline? You know, you know, it's funny. I actually tweeted. I have to admit that I hang my head in shame, but I did tweet. And I do still consider myself a man, even saying that out loud. Say it again, Bill. I tweeted. I said zombie movies are rated are hashtag World War Z. All right. And most people agreed. So of course, this one cunt goes, I have to respectfully disagree, said the success of

the walking dead. That's what he said, said the success of the walking dead. Fucking Twitter hack. It's just like, oh, that's a great idea. I see that business model. So let me get this straight. I'm going to spend over fucking $150 million of my money making a zombie movie. And I'm going to make it no more fucking crazier than what people can sit at home on their couch and watch. That's what the fuck you're telling me. That's that right there. That's your business model. That makes sense to you. Forget about all the cunts who are going to steal the movie anyways. Or just man, I'll just wait a few weeks and then I'll watch it on fucking whatever, right? You want to get them out? You want to get them excited, see, to come down and go see the picture

in a big screen, get themselves some popcorn, sit now with that best gal, right? You're going to make it, you know what? Why don't you just make according to Jim's World War Z? You know, no disrespect to Jim or according, right? I'm just saying, what the fuck? What is the purpose? It's like when you go out to your favorite pizza place, if you could make the pizza just as good at home, you wouldn't fucking go out there. Or if someone would just show up to your fucking house and step out of your TV and go, here's your fucking pizza, you're not going. Why the fuck would you make a PG-13 zombie fucking movie? Could somebody for the love of fucking God explain that to me? They've been doing that lately. All right? Super hero movies should also

be rated R. Unless you're doing one of those douchey ones that nobody cares about. All right? But all the other ones, Batman, Captain America, all that shit should all be rated R. Those superheroes are not for kids. Those are for adults who don't know how to fight and want to live through somebody else who actually has a six pack. That's what those movies are for. I feel, you know? And I actually think that I would take, I would actually go, if I ever made a fucking superhero movie, I would go for the NC 17. You know, if you remember in Spider-Man, when he's hanging upside down and the fucking girls kissing him, right? That wouldn't be, he would have been hanging a little bit lower, if you know

what I mean. He'd still be upside down, but he would be hanging a little bit lower. Come on, people, do the math. Somewhere between 68 and 70 is what I'm talking about. All right? That's how that fucking scene would have gone down. Okay? And fuck all these critics who would be like, oh my God, that's absolutely horrific. Stan Lynch must be fucking rolling over on his futon, because they never gave him the money he deserved for creating the character. And I would be, I stand by it. I stand by it. This is the Peter Parker that everyone knew existed, but no one wanted to see. You know, he'd be hanging upside down just as soon as fucking spider dick right in the mouth. Okay? You know why? Because he's, because he's Spider-Man. All right?

Half-Man, half-Spider, using the power for good. And he still has a day job. Still has a fucking day job. Isn't that great? Mito, what a, what a common man. He's not like Bruce Wayne walking around at all these fucking eyes wide shut parties. You know, how many tuxedos does Bruce Wayne own? And how did he make his money? You know? I know all these comic book people have losing their fucking minds, because I don't know anything about the backstory about any of these fucking people, and I don't give a shit. All right? How much, what, what did he do? How did he inherit money when both his parents got shot in the alley? There, there, your parents got killed? Is that what the money he's spending?

He's never working. He's never at work in any of those fucking movies. He's always going over to the mayor's house. He's a fucking trust fund kid. Peter Parker still works for the school paper or whatever. I'm working for fucking Jameson, a guy named after Whiskey. All right, that's your guy. And I liked when he wore the black suit too. I think that that one looked better, you know? And the suit started controlling him. I didn't like that. That made Peter look weak. All right. You know, you know, I'm in over my fucking head when I'm talking about goddamn superheroes here. All right, what are we doing here? 17 minutes in and it's time.

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forward slash burr. You'll get a free sample of Dr. Cavers easy shave butter, which is awesome with your first shipment also makes the perfect Father's Day gift, the Dollar Shave Club, something he can actually use. All right. Would you like to watch TV a little bit better, everybody? Would you like to watch it more efficiently? Well, I got something for you. He says pointing at you with his freckled index finger Hulu plus Hulu plus. You've tried streaming hit shows on your PC on hula.com. Now it's time to start your free trial of exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices on Hulu plus. This is why I love this thing. You can actually watch it on your, your, your smartphone, whatever the hell you go on your tablet. I

believe is what they say. Hey, Bill, why don't you just read the copy? Okay. With Hulu plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you, wherever you want, whenever you want, use Hulu plus on connected TVs, game consoles, Blu-ray players, Roku, Apple TV, PC or watch from anywhere on your smartphone or tablet on demand at all times. And with Hulu plus, you can binge on full seasons. What's your favorite current shows and even full series runs of classic TV shows? It's endless. They got community, modern family, South Park, SNL, Monday night, raw, the man show, Jimmy Kimmel, family guy and more. Hulu plus is only 799 a month. Look at this. You get blades delivered right to your house. You got TV wherever you want.

It's unbelievable. But right now they're offering an extended free trial of Hulu plus that is only available to the podcast listeners. Take control of your TV, watching experience. Go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu plus banner for your extended free trial or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. Again, the Hulu plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill this right here, Hulu plus. This is the future. This is the way you're going to watch TV. You're only going to watch what you want to watch and you're going to watch it when you want to watch. Alrighty, there you go. Okay, back to the podcast here. Where the fuck's the fucking podcast your cunt? Oh, here's a question somebody had. Hey, Bill

Boe Faggins. Now people, let's try to keep the homophobia down a little bit. He says, I went to see your show in Denmark a couple of years ago, or a year. I don't fucking remember. Are you going to do some more shows in Europe preferably in Scandinavia? Thanks. Why? Yes. Yes, I am. I'm going to be coming over to Europe in the beginning of December. I'm going to go all Howard Dean here. We're going to start in Ireland. We're going to go over to England. No, we're going to, uh, I'm going to start in Ireland. I haven't looked at the dates yet, but I imagine I'm going to go to all the places that I've been to before and maybe add another couple of cities, but I'm going, I'm hoping to go Ireland, Scotland, England, Denmark, Norway,

Sweden and Finland again. And, uh, who knows, maybe I can add something else, maybe in, uh, where the hell else could I go? I know if you get too far south in Europe, they start to like more, they're still on that Benny Hill shit where they want to, yeah, they want to see that shit. They're very into like slapstick and pratfalls. I don't know if that's true. I'm not trying to insult anybody in France, you know, Italy or whatever. I heard you can get halfway through Germany, you know, oh, Amsterdam or Rotterdam or some of those places that I've been to or some other places. Maybe I could do some standup, but I'd love to do it and I'm trying to keep up on what's going on over there over in Europe. Uh, what's going on over in Europe,

everybody. It's time for a new segment called what's going on in Europe delivered by an ignorant American. Well, evidently there's floods in Germany on this river that goes all the way down to the Czech Republic and there, there are moving people out and, uh, that story made me sick to my stomach, just having water damage in my house. I can't imagine an entire fucking river coming through my house. So my condolences to everybody out there. Uh, Vladimir Putin is getting a divorce from his fucking wife. You know, she doesn't like to be in the spotlight. You know, he likes going out there and lifting up little boy shirts and blowing bubbles on their stomachs in front of the press. They're just too different. They've grown apart. The kids are grown up. They go in

their separate ways. I think, um, I think Vladimir wants a nice hot piece of ass. You know, like in 2008, they speculated that he was banging some chick, um, or was going to marry some chicken. Uh, and as far as I could tell with my ignorance, they put that paper out of business. And I have to tell you, as fucked up as this country is becoming, it's still way better, you know, because you don't have to deal with stuff like that. Although I am a little disturbed with Obama going to China to be like, well, hey, how do you censor your, your fucking, how do you censor your people that you're supposed to be doing the right thing for? You know, I don't know. See, and there you go. And that's what's going on in the world. I know

what's going on. We're Turkey. They having those protests over there. It all started off with a bunch of hippies because they were cutting down the, uh, the trees in the park and wanted to put up a strip mall and all the hippies in Turkey were like, Hey man, that's not cool man. It started with that shit. And then all of a sudden everybody just snapped and was like, by the way, you know, fuck the police and all this other shit. I like keeping up on that stuff lately. I mean, going to that Al Jazeera, England, English, whatever, which I was saying on the Wednesday, the special one that I thought that the Al Jazeera, and I know a lot of people listen to that right now, like what are you a fucking terrorist? That's what I thought because lately I've noticed Al

Jazeera has been on like your TV, my TV's in like hotel rooms. And I'm like, what the fuck did they got this terrorist channel on here for? Um, and for those you oversee listening to this and laughing, you have to understand that the only thing that we've seen, um, unless you seek it out over here is when they would broadcast Americans getting their heads sought off by, uh, you know, Al Qaeda. That's the only thing we saw. And the way they would frame it would be like, and they actually televised this other news channel. So I just assumed that like that was like, you know, like Ted Turner has TNT and TBS. I thought Osama bin Laden with that oil money, you know, that was his TNT like Al Jazeera.

But, uh, I've actually found it really fucking interesting and it's great to see, uh, I don't know, it's great to just read about other countries. It's not, it's not, not, you know, it's not what you think it is. And I'm not saying that they don't trash the U S, but it's kind of interesting to read the criticism to hear their perception of what's going on here. I'm not saying that they're a hundred percent right. Not saying they're a hundred percent wrong. Oh, Bill, we get it. You're trying to broaden your horizons. So I've been checking out that and somebody told me also check out BBC world and, uh, whatever. I know they're all full of shit to some extent. They all have their angle, but it's, uh, you know, you get enough angles of shit. Maybe you can stand in the

middle of that shit store and we try to make sense of it. I don't fucking know. Um, plus I'm hedging my bets and you know, for when the dollar collapses over here, hopefully at that point I can, I can maybe, uh, then do a Billy red state tour over and fucking, I don't know, India. I don't fucking know. Speaking of which, this is another great reason to go to Al Jazeera. Cause he, cause for those of you Americans who just think it's a terrorist thing, they got some great stories here from around the world that you're not going to hear about. Here's one for you. Referee's sentenced for sex bribe in Singapore. Oh, Lebanese linemen played guilty to accepting sexual favors in exchange for agreeing to fix a

football match. Why wouldn't you just get a hooker? You know, why wouldn't you just get, it's just go look at some online porn. Good Lord. Go to a bar, say hello to somebody. How fucking late? I mean, I don't understand it. I want to see what these guys look like, but here's the story. Three Lebanese football players have played football referees, sorry, have played guilty to accepting free sex charges from a gambling linked global syndicate in return for agreeing to rig a match with his Singapore judge, jailing two and deferring sentencing, sentencing for a third. The third guy just got a hand job or maybe he was the creep who just liked to watch a district court judge on Monday jailed assistant referee. I'm not saying their

fucking names. I'll talk about the first name Ali Abdullah. He gave him three months. And then the third referee Ali, another Ali Ali, I think over there is that's like somebody named Mike, at least back in the day before they started naming kids Dakota. The assistant referees broke down into sobs when the judge loud low weeping low weeping motherfucker said they could be freed by later on Monday or Tuesday after remission for good behavior and due to time already served awaiting their sentences. They fucking broke down and cried. All right, let me tell you something. I don't know much. I don't know much about going to prison, but I know you don't want to fucking cry

going into prison. I don't think you want to do that. I really don't unless maybe they're crying because maybe they just put them into the regular jail with all the fucking rapists and that type of shit. And they got to somehow not get fucked in the ass until Monday or Tuesday. Jesus Christ, can you imagine the calories you would burn just by stressing that someone was going to fucking rape you and the goddamn booty hole? You know what I mean? I would just think the quivering alone would be like walking on a treadmill at like, you know, 3.1. I don't want to get into that next year. That was a rape joke, right? Is that fucking failed comic turned blogger going to give me shit about it?

You know, I did comedy for a minute and wasn't successful. And these are the jokes that I think people should be doing. Did you guys see that thing where Jim Norton was on with that blogger person? I was just fucking was hilarious. She was saying that comedy clubs were filled, were basements filled with angry men and she was coming off is quite angry herself. The whole thing was fucking hilarious. And this is the thing about people who get offended by comedy. I want to see somebody get outside of their own box. You know, I want to see the fat person in the crowd get offended by, I don't know. I don't know what, pick us with a topic, a different topic. I'm trying to think, okay, a fat guy get offended by misogynistic

material, have the dog lover, the Peter person get offended by fucking, I don't know, the rape jokes or whatever, whatever the fuck gives a fuck. You know what I mean? Who goes to a comedy club and takes jokes seriously, especially as a standup comedian? You know what I mean? I just for the life of me, I'll never fucking understand that. I don't know. I had the right when I came up to fucking talk about whatever I wanted to talk about and I failed miserably. And I flailed and I made big mistakes and I offended people in the crowd and all of that fucking shit. But that was all part of learning to become a comic. Finding what it is you're supposed to be doing on stage. It's part of the learning process. So to

try and fucking just cut that off. I don't know. I think it was really just a publicity stunt. You know, when you write open letter to white male comics right there, how much harder could you be trying to be like a lightning rod? I don't fucking get that. Hey, I played guitar for like six, seven years and I'm offended by the chords Eric Clapton is using. And if you're listening to this, you angry blogger, I'm just fucking around. It's just jokes before you get your fucking panties in a goddamn bunch again. But maybe that's what you should do and then you can get on another talk show and discuss comedy. Anyways, plowing ahead. By the way, I thought Jim was great on it. I thought he was fucking, I thought he was tremendous.

All right. There we go. What else am I talking about here? You know, I sold lemonade, you know, street side for like three weeks when I was a kid. And I would like to talk to the people that lived in iced tea about some of the things that they're doing with their iced tea and lemonade. You know, I don't like the Arnold Palmer. I feel that they should be separate. All right, I'm sorry. What am I talking about here? Let's get back to the podcast. All right. Can we do that bill for the love of fucking God? Oh, my apologies to the Chicago Blackhawks, by the way. My apologies to the Chicago Blackhawks. I thought the LA Kings were going to beat you guys. I really did. My god damn it. I'm not don't even act like you didn't age

during both of those games since the last time I said that and I got to tell you a lot of Blackhawk fans really confident talking a lot of shit on my Twitter. It's almost as if the Bruins didn't just sweep the fucking Pittsburgh Penguins. I guess that doesn't mean anything to them. I'm impressed with the way that they beat the LA Kings evidently. They're not too impressed with sweeping the Pittsburgh Penguins. And by the way, did anybody watch the after the Bruins one? Did anybody watch the Sydney Crosby press conference? That dude would not give it up to the Bruins on any fucking level whatsoever. They would be like, you know, you were held scoreless. You had zero points through four games in a playoff game that's never happened to you ever in the history of your being the Wayne Gretzky

of right now. Why do you think that was? He's just like, I don't know, you know, I don't know. It was weird. It was like, you know, I don't I don't know. They go, do you think it was the gold tending on the other team? He's like, no, no, that wasn't it. Yeah, I don't think so. When the gold tending, we had our opportunities and just wouldn't go in. What do you think? Because maybe they blocked the shots and they were playing good. No, that wasn't that either. Then what was it? Sydney actually respected it on some level that he was such a competitor that he was still competing with the Bruins, even though the series was over. He just would not give them credit on any fucking level for completely disrupting his

game four straight games in a row. You know, I mean, I'm look, I was as dumbfounded as anybody that we swept them. But I mean, I didn't have any questions at the end. The answers to all of those questions were sitting on the other bench and and he didn't give it up. He didn't give it up. But you know what, dude, by the way, how many teeth did that guy fucking lose, man? Holy shit, that guy is like, what is that? It was one to 16 up top, 17 to 32 on the bottom. Halfway between 17 and 32, we'll say that's like numbers 25. He lost like teeth number 25, 26, 27, and at least 28. If not 29, he's lost either four or five fucking teeth right down the bottom, man. Jesus Christ, you guys ever see that? Like you want to talk how tough hockey players are?

And I include Sydney Crosby and that as much as I call them the Pouty Lipped Cub Scout. That fucking dude took a slap. I mean, somebody, I forget, I can't remember who the pup deflected off somebody's stick and caught him right in the fucking face, broke his jaw and knocked out. It looks anywhere from three to five teeth. They literally flew out of his mouth. And the fucking dude gets up and skates off the ice with the trainers and, you know, I guarantee you within five days he was skating again. I don't know. I could never do that. So anyways, so here we are, the original six, the original six are in the Stanley Cup. We got an original six for the first time since 1979 when the Montreal Canadian French Cuts were playing the, the New York Rangers.

So I'm really excited about that. This is great for hockey. And I think it's going to be a great series. And you know, I actually watched those last two games. And I want to say, if Brian Billick and Luke and Milan Lucic are out on the ice at the same time, that's going to be fucking unbelievable because those are two of the biggest dudes in the league. And it's, I think it's going to be a fucking awesome series. And I hope it doesn't go six. I want this thing to go seven. I hope it's going to be a close one. I hope it's going to be a close one. I hope it's going to be a classic. Like I said, the NHL is going to be on the cover and the NHL playoffs are on the cover of sports illustrated under the headline, the best. And it's just a great time

for hockey. And if they had, there's a great, you know, Stanley Cup final, you know, maybe they'll get a little more respect. And obviously, of course, I want my Bruins to win. And I'm thinking about going to a game. I might go in Chicago. You know, I already went to a playoff game when I was back in Boston. And plus I love those Chicago jerseys, the red ones. I think it was one of my favorite ones in the league. And I want to go there. And I won't be a cunt. I'm not going to show up with my Bruins shit. I'm just going to sit there historically. And when the Bruins score and hopefully win the fucking game, you know, I won't do anything to get the shit kicked out of me. And I'll go back to my rented fucking Chevy Malibu and I'll drive back to fucking

O'Hare. And that'll be it. And I'll have that experience. Speaking of experiences, it is my birthday, everybody. And I want to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday. And what was I going to say? Yeah, people are, you know, my friends and family in life were asking me, you know, what I wanted for my birthday. And I told all of them nothing. Look at me. Don't buy me anything. Just like Jimmy and good fellas. All right, I've learned something through the water damage that I had in my house when I took everything out of my fucking closets in these couple of rooms. I have so much fucking shit that I have not used or even looked at in years. And I already gave away my friend, Tarkington Jersey. I know some

people were asking whether it was still available. I gave that away. And I gave it away to the first guy. I read like, I read like 20 emails before I got to this guy. And he actually brought up like Alan Page, Jim Marshall, Carl Eller, Paul Krause, Chuck Foreman, Fred Cox, right? Back when men were named after dicks, you know, and he knew all that shit. So I said, fuck it, I'll give it to give it to that person. And if the person who has it is listening, please take a picture yourself in the jersey, send it to me, I'll put it up on the podcast page if you want, if you want a little little fucking shout out or and actually will stop people from suggesting that I would say that there's a giveaway when there is no giveaway. So anyways, yeah, I don't want any more shit.

I'm not buying any more sports t shirts because I get sentimental value. And I can't fucking throw them out. And from here on out, I'm just buying those Malcolm Young solid color fucking t shirts. And when they wear out, I throw them out because they don't mean shit to me. And no, I got to do it, man. I got to fucking get rid of all my goddamn shit. So today, what I'm doing for my birthday is I think I'm going to go to the gun range. And I'm going to go drive out into the desert. One or the other. One or the other. I don't know if I'm going to go over the guy usually go over the gun range with somebody knows what the fuck they're doing. I don't like going over there by myself and just

renting a gun. But I gotta tell you, it's oddly fucking relaxing. Who's kidding who I'm 45 fucking years old what I'm not going to do shit for my birthday. All right, I'm doing my goddamn podcast and I might go drive out to the desert because I just want I always wanted to do that. Because I'm a nerd. All right, that's it. Okay, so here we go. Here's the Here's some questions for this week. Oh, casino carpets. This says part three. The final answer. Oh, this is like a trilogy, like one of those spaces, you know what now I feel bad that I fucking came down on that girl who's fucking blogging and the shit, calling her failed comic like I fucking know you know what it is if she's still fucking listening if somebody gives her this part of it, you know what it really

is is I just can't believe a fellow comic would fucking attack. I just can criticize it with that angle. You know what I mean? To shrink it down and make it smaller. I just it just blows my fucking mind. I'm just disappointed. Disappointed, I guess is more the word. The shit I said before I said out of fucking anger. I didn't mean that shit, but it's just fucking, you know what I mean? I've been doing this shit 21 years and I'm still learning stuff. I don't know shit about the art why there's no fucking way I would go on television and start, you know, criticizing other fucking

comments and not to mention like this whole fucking thing like there's all these rape jokes being told is just so fucking inaccurate. Like you just Walk into a comedy club and everybody's a rape rape rape rape rape like I'm trying to think the only person I can actually think of the wrongly rape joke that I that really stands out that I remember was Jim Norton. He did, he did a hilarious one. He was talking about going to prison and somebody said, Jim would you. You think he get raped if you went to prison? He goes He goes, look at me, I would get raped on the bus ride in the way into prison or something like that. I butchered the joke

and it was funny. So I don't know. I just think, you know, the last thing stand up needs is for fellow comics to be fucking trying to mold it into what the fuck they as an individual think it should be. That's just, that's just beyond me. Why did I get into this shit? I don't fucking know. You know why? Because it bugs me. All right, here we go. Casino carpets part three, the final answer. Billion Wallace. I installed carpet for six years. That guy was only half right. All right, that was the guy last week who claimed that the carpeting is actually really expensive and it's a really high quality. And so I guess it's easier to clean or so I came with the fuck. He said,

Jesus Christ. He said, yes, the casino carpets are a commercial grade carpet. Yes, they last a long time, but they aren't crazy colors and designs because it makes the carpets last longer. The colors and design are a to hide stains. When you spill a big strawberry margarita on a solid blue carpet, the stain will be plain as day with wacky designs and colors. You can't spot a spilled drink. Oh, cool. B, it hides the seams of the carpet. Carpet comes in 12 or 15 foot wide rolls, commercial carpets are usually 15. That means for every 15 feet in width, you will have a full seam. It was a solid color. You would see a straight line in the carpet for the entire length of the room. The colors and design breaks up the seam like camouflage. There you go. Love the podcast.

Come to Tulsa sometime and go fuck yourself. Oh, thank you. I am coming to Tulsa on the Billy Red State tour. All right, ex-defense minister from Canada speaks out about speaks, uh, speaks about see this is no once again, not my fault. This person writes ex-defense minister from Canada speaks about out about aliens out about aliens or speaks out about aliens or does he speak about out about aliens? See what I'm saying? This isn't always me. All right. Bill, love the podcast, free lasts every week. They're much appreciated. Yada, yada, yada. I thought you might like this link as you're a big conspiracy theory, a big conspiracy theorist, you mean? He said it's the former Canadian defense administrator. No, Canadian defense minister giving some bold claims about several

species of aliens living among us and actually working with elements in the government. Not only that, but a shadowy cabal, CABAL, CABAL, I don't know, comprised of the council on foreign relations, the Bilderbergers, the trilateral commission. That should add a hyphen in it, you cunt. The international banking cartel, the oil cartels, members of various intelligence organizations, the select members of military, one world government, check it out. Sir, the last thing I'm going to do is look at this. I'll put the link up there. Fuck it. I'll look at it right now. This shit just freaks me out and makes me depressed because there's nothing I can do about it.

Okay. Now, how is this going to help me, sir, if I find out there's actually aliens living among us, talking to international bankers? Am I going to come walking in, bursting into their meeting like the end of a feel-good movie? Like, hey, man, the people have spoken and they like me. All right. Here we go. I got it right here. Canada's former minister of national defense, Paul Haylor, testifies at the citizen's hearing on disclosure. Where the fuck am I? Last month in Washington, D.C., that aliens are living among us and that it is likely at least two of them are working with the U.S. government. This guy sounds like he's out of his fucking mind. Let's kind of flip the script here. Let's say you're an alien.

All right. Whoever's listening to this still, who believes in aliens, who isn't blogging about my reaction to the blogger. And you go to another fucking solar system, another galaxy, whatever the fucking terminology is, and you land there. Okay. What are you going to do other than try and get blended in so people don't chop your fucking alien head off? Like, how exactly did this fucking alien get infiltrate the government? This is like Mr. Smith goes to Washington. The alien just lands and just goes, okay. All right. I mean, how come he didn't do this in Argentina? He picks the United States, goes right into fucking Washington, D.C., walks into the Capitol building as somebody's filler bustering so they can't make an electric car or whatever, comes right out on the house floor

and then does what? You know, security comes up, tries to shoot him and he just puts his hands up and their guns turn into like chocolate bars or fall to the ground. And then for some reason, everybody in their suits doesn't scramble and freak the fuck out. You know, you just fucking walk out there. Hey, what's going on? Relax, relax, relax. It's a simple technology that you guys will discover if you become friends with me. How to turn a fucking gun into some melted shit that doesn't let people shoot you. I am from the planet Zoltar, right? It always begins with a Z. How does that work? Like, if you were a fucking alien and you went to another goddamn planet, exactly, I guess, okay, you'd be like, all right, if there's

a bunch of different nations, which one seems to be running shit? I got to chop the head off and you're just going to want you and you and a buddy, two of you. Going to walk in fucking arm and arm and do what? Yeah, listen, I think just a simple fact that we were able to get here, you know, the kind of firepower that we're capable of. For some fucking reason, we want to take over this planet or we want you guys to do shit the way we feel that it should be done. Who would want that fucking headache? I don't know that I believe this shit. Anyways, he believes, hell, your who's beliefs on extra life, extraterrestrial life in USO UFOs are well established, made the statements

at the non governmental hearings chaired by six former US Congressmen and aimed at according to the events website doing what the US Congress had failed to do for 45 years, seek out the facts surrounding the most important issue of this or any other time evidence pointing towards an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race. All right, you know what? Even I have my limits when it comes to that type of shit. All right, I don't think that's the most pressing thing. I would say us fucking up the environment world population and that type of shit. It's a little more unless you want to throw more people from other galaxies also living here. Do they drink bottled water too? All right, here we go people. E voice. All right, E voice is the reason why you're going

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Stop what you're doing. Hit pause. Stop listening to this podcast right now. Set up your E voice and free trial and see what I'm talking about. It's a great way to support my podcast and an easy way to make more money this year. Go to evoist.com promo code bill. That's evoist.com promo code bill or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the E voice banner right now. Okay, the man great system, everybody. This father's day. Think the man great. What is the man great, you ask? They are 100% made in America. Cast iron grilling grates that are revolutionizing the way people grill. Heavy duty grilling grates deliver exactly what you need to achieve that perfect steakhouse flavor. Chicken steak or veggies will never have tasted so good. No more flare ups, no

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code burr burr at checkout. Protect your creations and launch your dream at legal zoom.com legal zoom can provide self help services at your specific direction or they can connect you to an attorney. But they're not a law firm. Don't forget to use that referral code burr burr. All right. There you go. Here we are winding down the final minutes of the podcast. Let me close this right here. I don't want to save that. This happens every goddamn week. All right. Here we go. Next letter. This letter is about an older lady. I'm a 29 year old guy. And for the last two years I have been seeing an incredibly amazing woman that is 13 years older than me. And you know what? It's not going to work out sir. Because you're 29 and she's fucking 42.

You know, that doesn't seem to work out. Women can do that. For some reason they can do it. You know, didn't you learn anything with Ashton Kutcher? And it's going to happen. You know, when you're 37, she's going to be 50. Come on. 37. You can still pull a 27 year old. You're coming home to her, right? She's starting to get hot flashes. She's taking Gerritol. I mean, it's not going to work. I'm sorry. Let me continue. She's sexy, fun, and we share a lot of common interests. We talked about what direction our relationship was going to take very early on. And we decided that keeping it casual was the way to go. Smart move, smart move. Now what is taking a casual mean? That means I fuck you once every six weeks in my birthday, in my birthday,

why did I say birthday? In my book. You know what it is? It's my birthday and I want to get on with it. I want to go drive out to the desert. That's what it was. We didn't commit to each other in any official sense, but neither of us saw anyone else. Well, Jesus Christ, now you're going to catch feelings for over the two years I fell in love with her. There you go. And wanted to commit so we could make a real go of it. I fucked up though. I never confessed those feelings to her. I was afraid of things eventually hitting a wall because of the age difference. So I felt safer not telling her. She recently told me she has wanted the same things I do this whole time, but she has now met someone closer to her own age, promising the real

relationship I never gave her. I believe she has feelings for me, but thinks this is the best choice for her. What do I do? Do I stand up and fight for what I want? Consequences be damned or should I let her go and accept that age difference is an insurmountable problem? On a side note, I've been in many relationships. I know myself well enough to know the difference between love and infatuation. Well, that if you know the difference, I would go for what you want. Okay, as an outsider, I would say let her go. And even though you know the difference between love and infatuation, do you want to have a family, sir? You know, because if you do, you need to marry this girl in a week and start pumping out the fucking kids because she's already 42. Are you ready to do that?

Because if you're not, you got to let her go. All right. That's all I got to say. I'm sorry. That's all I got on that one. All right. Wife not down with the, with the, with nose job. Wife not down with nose job. All right. Dear Billy boy. Love the podcast. Love to stand up. Thanks for that. Well, you're welcome. Thank you for, uh, thank you for typing that because I'm a 31 year old guy. I'm happily married to a usually supported wife. I never been too much of a self conscious person, but ever since I was a teenager, if there was one thing I could change about my physical appearance, it would be my nose. It's a little big and has a bump on the ridge. Now, okay. He said reference the profile on Nikolai Tesla

or the ruler Constantine to get the idea. Obviously a giant nose with this, with severe acne was immediate fuel for insult through junior high school for the hordes of 14 year olds. I vowed that one day, oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a fucking worse here. I vowed that one day I would get a nose job to boost my self esteem. Well, I am now in a position where I can pay to have the surgery. I used to ask my wife a few years back what she thought about and she said that if it makes me happy, then do it. However, now that I am closer to having one, having it done, she seems to have changed her mind. She says that she could, she couldn't get used to seeing me look different and isn't sure if she'll like the, uh, the way

the remodeled me looks. I'm disappointed because I really want to have it done and wish she would be supportive. The thing is my wife is a self conscious person and I'm worried that on a small level, she thinks that the new me will be more attractive and warrant the attention of more females. This is not what I'm, this is not why I'm doing this. I just want to feel better about myself. What should I do? Thanks for your help. Uh, all right, back up for a second. You said your wife is self conscious and you're worried that on a small level, she thinks the new me will be more attractive and warrant the attention of more females. As much as you say this isn't why you're doing this, I think that's why you're doing it

subconsciously. You know, I think that that's your thought and you're putting it on your wife. You have to understand, you gotta understand this, all right? Your nose, all right? That's like the, uh, that's the hubby your face. Okay. If you add or subtract to that, you're really changing what you look like. Okay. And every chick out there saw dirty dancing and they all saw what the leader that movie did. She got a nose job and I thought she was fucking adorable in that movie. I thought she was beautiful. You know, I never, I could never get through the fucking movie, but, uh, I thought she was hot and then she got her nose job and it was like, uh, what did you do? You know, look dude, your fucking nose makes you unique. That's, you should stick

with it. Stay with it. I mean, I don't know to get a nose job because people teased you when you were 14, you're better than that. All right. And you're with your wife. She loves you for who you are. You know, I, um, listen dude, I mean, it's your, it's your call in the end, but they don't exactly have those things down to a science. You know what I mean? At this point, plastic surgery, it's like shooting threes. You know, most of them, uh, and most of them don't go in, but when they do, the crowd goes crazy. So there's a chance that you could come out with the nose you want, but more times than not, I think it's going to give, you know, you want your nose to fucking clang off the front of the rim or even worse, shoot a fucking air ball and

splat on the fucking hardwood. Um, I would never recommend plastic surgery, but dude, I, I know what you're, uh, I know what you're going through this shit about myself. I don't like that. I'm fucking losing my hair and believe me, every time those hair commercials come on, I fucking sit there and look at him and go, should I, should I, and then I always say, I'm not gonna, but I never ruled it out that I wouldn't do it. I just keep waiting because every five years it gets better and better and better. Like how it looks at this point. Now they can just vacuum the hair out of the back and just fucking plant it up front. Um, as opposed to having the scars and the hair plugs and having that shit that, but I still, for some reason, I'm not going to do it.

Um, I don't know why and I don't know why. I think about it because I think like, I can guarantee you this. If women went bald, they would all get fucking hair. They would all have hair plugs in one generation and then they would all have that type of thing. And that always makes me laugh when women make fun of guys that get like a hair transplant. Like, oh my God, as they sit there wearing makeup, you know, high heels on and everything about them is to fucking enhance, you know, their looks. Um, but then also I get why they don't like it, you know, because I think what they're attracted to is different. Obviously they don't want to have some troll of a man, but, uh, I think that they, they may say, this might come back to you.

They want you to be a fucking man and be comfortable with yourself. Go out there and swing a goddamn axe and bring some fucking lumber in for the fire. You know, they don't want to sit there watching you looking at yourself in the mirror going, look at this. Look at my nose. I just don't like how my ears look. You know, I don't know. This, this, my advice would be, I would think long and fucking hard. All right. And you told me to look at that picture of like Tesla and Constantine, however the fuck you say their names. Uh, why don't you go look up that chick before and after who was in, uh, dirty dancing, which is an asshole thing for me to do because I'm sure she had a

lot of trauma over that. Now I'm going to fucking re stir the pot. Um, but yeah, and then you'll, you'll probably be like, well, that was a nose job from fucking 23 years ago. And I feel like rolling the dice then by all means go for it. But, uh, why don't you do before and after take a picture, you know, stand into the side like the mug, mug shot photo. Give me a forward into the side and then forward to the side in the end. And this is the deal. If you give me a before and I never get an after that I know what happened. I'm trying to think what, what was one of the songs from dirty dancing? Was that that I have the time of my life and I'm dancing with Patrick Swayze. He has really tight slacks and his hair is done better than mine. Um, out throws.

How hardcore was Patrick Swayze? The guy had cancer. He's like, yeah, I'm still smoking. Go fuck yourself. That dude went out like a man. You know, he really did. So did Saddam Hussein to take a total left hand turn. All right. I can tell you right now, people are about ready to hang me. All right. And I was, I would definitely accept the hood. Please put the hood over my face. You can't see me blubbering inside of it. He said, no, I don't want the hood to be stared down. Everybody was talking shit. Fuck you. Go fuck yourself. Your mother's a whore. And they put the rope around his neck. And furthermore, I said your grandmother's mother's a cunt. I spit on you and that was it. All right. Outros. Oh, here's the outros here. All right. I guess the show is over. Once again,

everybody, a couple of things. If you'd like to buy a hard copy version of my DVD for your old school people, you can now do that at billbird.com. You can also download it. Or you can come out to one of my shows and I'll autograph it for you. Yeah. And if you'd like to donate to this podcast and the Wounded Warrior project, go to amazon.com. No, go to the amazon.com banner on the podcast page of my website. Click on the son of a bitch. Go to Amazon, buy whatever the hell you want. Doesn't change the price. They kick me a little thanks for sending them here. And then I pass it on some of it, 10% of it onto the Wounded Warriors project. All right. So that's it. Okay. Now that the show's over,

don't forget us to support our sponsors. Go to go to set up the free trial of Evoist. Join thousands of entrepreneurs who use their Evoist personal receptionist 24 seven right now. Get Evoist for 30 days. Go to evoist.com promo code bill. That's evoist.com promo code bill. And Hulu plus, as I mentioned, start watching TV, your favorite shows right now. Go to the podcast page at billbird.com. Click on the Hulu plus banner for your extended free trial or Hulu plus.com slash bill. And finally, sign up for dollar shave club forward slash Burr makes a great Father's Day gift. You get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of the cost. And that is it, ladies and gentlemen, that is it. That is the

podcast for this week. Please watch the Stanley Cup finals if you get a chance. Also, I'm rooting for the Spurs. I'm rooting for the Spurs against the Miami Heat. I'm doing that. You got to do it. Okay. You got to do it. Fundamental basketball. You know, every white guy wants that to win, you know, because that's the best we can bring fundamental basketball. There's never been a white Dr. Jay. It just hasn't, you know, there's been some white guys we can grow afros. There's been a couple of white guys that, you know, can jump a little bit, but it's just, you know, we're picking roll guys. So who knows, I don't know what's going to happen. I think the inevitable, but I'm hoping the Spurs are going to win. And not even just because that's silly

shit that I was just saying about white guy basketball. I just love, you know, you got to love when the underdog wins. Speaking of which, the Bruins got to be the underdog against the Blackhawks, considering the first two games are in Chicago. Isn't that right? Who knows? Check it out or go check out Sports Illustrated and read up on some hockey. Maybe you can get involved in this series. It's a great game. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.