Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-11-12

Episode Date: June 11, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about awful Metal Music, the death of John Denver, and the first time he saw somebody do coke.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 11th, 2012, 2012, which I am actually recording on Sunday, June 10th, which is my birthday, my birthday. It's your birthday, you fucking cunt, another year's gone by. You are still sitting there in that fucking place you don't wanna be. So eat some cake, blow out the candles, but not in that order, or else you will burn your fucking mouth, mouth, M-O-U-F-F, mouth. Hey, did Manny Pacquiao lose last night? Is that what I heard? Somebody left me a message that he fucked, he lost? That's unbelievable, I can't believe that little roided up guy.

Dude, I think everything is fucking fixed, don't listen to me. I don't think it's possible for a guy who comes in at 109 pounds to put on 40 pounds of muscle, not lose any speed or any power, get actually get faster and stronger. Okay? I've seen that show, it's called the fucking Bionic Man. That's the only thing that was missing, that's what they should have shown in the beginning of all Pacquiao fights, was him crashing some experimental aircraft like John Denver, except he doesn't die. You know, and John Denver wouldn't have died, he would have lived if he wasn't wearing those stupid glasses. That's what did him in, those little granny glasses like he sat around making cookies in a tree, you know, like those Kebler Elfs.

That's what killed him, a lot of people don't know that. They thought it was massive head trauma and carnage to his rib cage area with the vitals there behind it, you know, the floating rib that they gave over to that fucking cunt who couldn't stop eating the apples, right? It wasn't that, it wasn't massive head trauma, it was very minimal, very specific. He slammed his head off the experimental dashboard and his mainstream glasses then shot it through his eyes into his brainstem. Rocky Mountain, Colorado and then he died and that's what happened, everybody blamed the aircraft, you know, but everybody who actually goes out and gets a pilot's license, I believe on the first day they tell him not to wear those glasses. When was the last time you got on a plane and you saw your pilot wearing those John Denver glasses, alright?

There's a reason for that, think about it. What am I talking about here? Can they show that fucking John Malkovich talking to his phone and just having the time of his life commercial one more fucking time? What's more annoying, that one or where that weird family does the acapella version of Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train with that random black kid in the back, like where did they get that kid, like, you know, is he an exchange student and he just seems like he's over all of it and not enjoying hanging out with the other white people as he fucking shakes the ice in his grape drink, you know, and then they gotta end that great song with the parents singing like they're on Broadway. Going off the rails on a crazy train. You know?

Anybody else with me on that? John fucking Malkovich sitting there all, you know. If that commercial was 30 seconds longer, he'd have the phone like blowing him. Tell me a joke. Do I have anything coming up tonight? No, lobster souffle or whatever pretentious fucking food he orders. Was it pretentious Bill or are you just not cultured and his order made you feel dumb? All right, you got me on that one. You got me on that one. I'm the only one who's creeped out that there's a fucking robot in my phone or whatever it is. It's that they try to make it human.

Why do they do that? Just make it sound like a robot. How can I help you? Massage parlor. Give me some massage parlor. Just do it like that. So it still keeps that, like, we keep that distance. I don't need intimacy with this thing that isn't fucking alive. I don't need that 2001 Space Odyssey experience. That's all I'm trying to say here, people.

Oh, he's Bill Burr. He's mad at phones. Get out of his way, everybody. This guy's got something to say. What's the deal with John Malkovich? You ever wonder if you're going to stand the test of time, your decisions? You know what I mean? I had a fucking panic attack last night, you know, turning 44 years old. I just woke up in the middle of the night like, Jesus Christ, I'm sliding into 50. You know, and I don't give a fuck how well you take care of yourself.

When you're 50, you fucking look 50 unless you had some fat from your ass blasted into your face and then you just look shiny. But everybody knows you're 50. You're not fooling anybody with your real housewife. Four, four-head, are you? Four, four-head, eight-head, huh? Is that show still on? You know, how long are they going to keep doing that?

To their clams are hanging out of their bikinis? Is that how long they're going to do that one for? Let's try to beat out the Drew Carey show. How many fucking episodes of that, how many years of that fucking show do they do while people still didn't give a fuck? Oh, the second they rolled in that fat lady with the crazy makeup. I mean, right there, it's just like, we're really not going to develop anything on this show, are we? We're just going to try to keep it, just keep it wacky.

Ah, jeez, there goes the phone. Hang on a second. Hang on a fucking second, Christ's sake, why don't I shut the damn phone off? Who's this? Who's this? Don't be my mom. It's my dad. Oh, I just chose to podcast over my own father. I owe a huge apology to. I owe a huge apology to my dad.

All right? Last night, I was sitting on the couch. Minding my own fucking business. I was watching Metal Mania on VH1. Metal Mania, Cleo. I think my dog is sleeping with his eyes open. Oh, no, she just moved her eyebrows. Dude, where the fuck did you just go?

Cleo, whatever you think it about, it's going to be okay. All right? Anyways, you know what's weird? When my dog sees a squirrel through a window, it cries. Like, it's a long lost buddy. But if my dog is outside and there's a squirrel, you know, if there's no window between my dog and the squirrel, it will try and rip its fucking head off.

So I don't, does anybody know anything about dogs? What is it crying about? Is it crying like, I want to rip its head off. Oh, I wish I could just end that thing's fucking life. You don't make any sense to me. Anyway, so I'm watching fucking Metal Mania. Illiteration. This has got to be a hit show, right?

So I'm watching this shit. And at the risk of pissing off a lot of listeners, I think most metal slash hair metal, it arguably is the worst fucking music ever made. Worse than Disco. I don't know why Disco gets such a bad rap. Like Disco is the default example of bad music the way Hitler is the default example of evil.

Dude, he's the next Hitler. It's always the next fucking Hitler. Never pull pot. You know, never fucking, I don't know, pick another one. I don't even know another one. You know, Ivan the Terrible. Is that a wrestler? Or is that a comic strip?

I don't, horrible haggar. I don't fucking know, right? See, I don't even, I don't even have any other examples. Who's fault is that? Build is a library right down the street. Oh, go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? Everybody always talks about Disco

and how bad Disco was and it just needed to be a change, man, right? And like, then they'll talk about like the police and all this new wave shit and the punk scene and all that. But what they completely fucking ignore is that right after Disco, just immediately the mainstream then went over to like this fucking heavy metal music.

Like that was better than Disco. I think it's fucking worse. And I think all these times where they keep saying that everybody, there was a big change and that this quality music came out. I don't know if that happens. I think it just, you know, you know, Nirvana comes around and then what?

Four years later everybody's listening to fucking Ota or the mainstream is. It's just this long, tragic, just flat line of shit music. I was watching the shit last night, shit that I used to like and my jaw was on the ground how fucking bad it was. It was horrible.

I actually, it was so bad I was like texting paragraphs to the sensation, Joe DeRosa. Capital records. The guy who built capital records, Joe DeRosa. I'll actually, I'll get a little intimate here with you. I'll read you the text message. I fucking wrote Joe. Oh, Joe, where the hell are we?

Where the hell are we? Joe, hair slash heavy metal is the worst music ever made. Disco gets a bad rap. Watching Metal Mania on VH1, Guns N' Roses, Queens Rike, Wasp, Quiet Riot, David Lee Roth, solo shit, it's fucking god awful. Yeah, I saw David Lee Roth

on his Eat Him and Smile tour. And I saw that video last night, going crazy from the heat. That sounds like a song Wahlberg's character would have written with John C. Riley in Boogie Nights. Remember that? He will rock you

and he will roll you. Like it was, it was that bad. Teenage Frankenstein? I'm a teenage Frankenstein. You're telling me that that song is better than More Than A Woman? More Than A Woman More Than A Woman To Me.

You know, I mean, I think, arguably it's, I don't know, I can't believe the shit that I used to watch and like, I used to listen to this shit around chicks, you know, just hopelessly thinking that this would get me laid, like they would think that I was some badass, like loner.

Bang your head. I mean, the whole fucking, the fact that I never got laid in high school, it just, it went away right in that moment. It was like, this is what I was going to do. I wasn't going to try to make him laugh. I wasn't going to hit on him. I wasn't going to try to,

I was just going to play this music around him and this was going to bring me to the fucking promised land looking like a fucking teenage Ron Howard. That was my game plan. Is it any wonder I failed? Jesus Christ. And I remember I would be watching it

on a big square TV. Just watching. Lay it down. Lay it down. This fucking horrific fucking music. And my dad would come in and just have his face would just be all twisted up going, Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you listening to?

You like this shit? And I thought I was a rebel. I mean, he doesn't understand, man. You know what? He totally understood. He totally understood. My dad called it back in 83. Called it jungle music.

It says a bunch of shit. He told me straight up. Okay, man, he was like, son, this music you're listening to is fucking horrible. And there was all this shout at the devil. Is anybody really going to sit there and defend that fucking song? Doo, doo, doo.

Doo, doo, doo. Doo, doo, doo. Doo, doo, doo. Doo, doo, doo, doo. You couldn't fucking... You could fucking a five-year-old could write that on a xylophone. Shout at the devil.

Never knew why we were shouting. You know? Blacky Lawless. Blacky Lawless. That was his show name. And he took a radial arm saw, and he cut the blade in half and put one blade on one of his forearms

and one on the other on these leather. I'm going to do a bunch of dishes in an evil way, gloves. And we all thought he was crazy. Dude, can you imagine if he gave you a forearm shiver? It was just... And he used to throw fucking raw meat into the crowd. A couple of them did that.

That's why that lady Gaga, covering her clam in that fucking pastrami, it's just been done. You know? Comes out in that fucking egg from Mork. I don't know. I've seen the nasally whore act my whole fucking life, you know?

Those fucking chicks with the big noses, they can, you know, that's like white people's answer to the big black girl who can sing in church. The chick we bring to that fight is the white chick with the big nose. White chicks with big noses can sing. I don't know what it is.

Barbara Streisand. It's a riot to sing. Right? I don't know. It's like their nose is like that dome at the top of all those concert halls. There you go, Bill. Try to spit it out, you dumb fuck.

But I want some emails, people. I want people try to tell me how round and round love will find a way, just give it time. I mean, tell me the musical validity that that has over, like, disco, that all those people probably at Kamiski Park when they blew up those disco records

like fucking five, six years later, that's what they were listening to. Nobody's fool, nobody's fool, nobody's fool. I'm no fool. That was a hit. That was a hit in the 80s. Wow. Do I owe my dad an apology?

I just, I was sitting there just one video after a queen's rike. I mean, all this stuff that I thought was just fucking unbelievable. You know what, I'm going to get emails this week. It's like, I don't know what it's going to be. It's going to be like, people are either going to be like, yes, absolutely.

This is going to be, there's going to be no middle ground. People are going to 100% agree with me, or I'm going to get punched in the face by Eddie Trunk. I just, I was taking a back. I mean, I haven't seen those videos in fucking forever. Occasionally I'll go back and I'll look at some old videos, but I mean, a lot of it was like AC DC, like shit they can like, you know,

I mean, back in black is timeless. There's some timeless shit in there. You know, I even watched that Guns N' Roses, Sweet Child of Mine, and I thought, I thought it was horrible. Whoa, whoa, Sweet Child of Mine. And that little fucking shim sham dance he was doing, it just was, oh, and then the emotion he tried to have in the end. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, and they kind of closed his eyes like, ah, I really went somewhere when I was just fucking horrible. You know, I was right there. I helped hold it up. Oh, death leopard. Pour some sugar on me. I hated that when that fucking came out. And then all the ladies liked it and he came out in his acid wash jeans.

I actually saw him on that tour. Didn't I? Yeah. Reynolds Coliseum and Tesla opened up. Tesla, which I didn't think they were that bad. They weren't that bad. I don't know. I thought you're supposed to go back and listen to the fucking music of your youth being like, wow, that stuff was, that was awesome, man.

Remember that? You know, that was the first time I tried blow, you know, reminiscent. Actually, first time I ever saw cocaine. Saw it and saw it being done was at the Providence Civic Center. I saw AC DC on the Who Made Who tour with loudness. The Japanese heavy metal band that couldn't speak any English yet sang in English. I just can't imagine the disconnect issues. I can't imagine like memorizing a bunch of Japanese and going and over there and just singing it

and then not knowing what the fuck I was saying. Going out there. Everybody. I have no idea what I just said. T-shirts of 20 bucks. Did I just say that or did I say are you ready to rock? I have no fucking idea. Anyways, so I saw them, they opened up.

And anyways, we're out in the parking lot and we're drinking beers thinking we're crazy. Driving, of course, because it's the 80s. This is right around before right before mad kicked in. They used to bring like wreckage from a fatal drug driving accident. Did anybody else's high school do that? They actually brought a car from a fatal drug driving accident. And they dragged it onto the lawn of our campus. If you want to call it a campus, a little island with a tree, they just left it there.

And we all just stared at it trying to figure out how many people in the car, how many people died. And then we just walked away like, you know, and you're young. You don't give a fuck. 10 minutes later you're talking about, dude, I'm getting fucking wrecked tonight. Wrecked. That was the word. Getting wrecked. Getting destroyed.

Hammered. Right? So anyways, we're driving down there, beer between your legs as you do. The 80s. You know, you fucking lifted weights all that week. All of it above the waist. Curls. Fucking benching.

Shoulders. Nobody did squats in the 80s. Nobody did. Right? So you got your fucking tight 501 blues on with your little pencil fucking legs. And then you overdeveloped upper body. You stupid gold chain. And you had a beer between your legs.

That's how you did it. So we're fucking going down. Probably on eight a piece. Fucking hammered. I was driving this piece of shit. 83 Ford Ranger. I got like five fucking drunk friends in the back, which was still not even grounds for getting pulled over.

You could just have people in the back like you were bringing fucking turkeys off the slaughter. Nobody gave a shit. Right? So we pull in and right as I pulled up and I got a parking spot. There was this kid. His door open and he kind of had like a Sammy Hagar meets John Fogarty haircut blonde hair. I remember he fucking did a line right as I was pulling up and I fortunately had my

window up and he saw me and he saw we all had AC DC T shirts on or whatever. And he just got out of the car was just like screaming. It's like a haunted house right up to the fucking window. And I was just trying to take it all in like, okay, he just how am I supposed to behave around somebody with with who's on coke? Does this guy have like, you know, Hulk strength right now? Is he going to tip over the truck? Anyways, that was the first time I saw blow.

I didn't even know what the point of all that was. I was just shocked. Look, I know it wasn't all bad. Like this, the early Metallica, you know, right through injustice for all. I know that that stuff was great. But I'll tell you, it is slim fucking pickings, my friends slim pickings. I don't even I didn't know what to tell you. I mean, I even go back sometimes I try to listen to appetite for destruction.

I know that's this this watershed fucking moment and that music with some of those fucking songs. They're out to get me. So you can suck me. Take that one to heart. Kill yourself. Um, all right, that ought to get me a lot of fucking criticism. Uh, let's, you know, I think it's time for some advertising. You're listening to the Monday morning podcast, by the way.

And this is my trip down memory lane. The 1980s. The fucking 80s. Did I nail it though? By the way, everyone had the 501 blues. Remember that button fly dude. I watched him three times and your nuts couldn't breathe. You know, and you wonder why you got all these fucking crazy kids that need to be on drugs now.

There you go. Hey, everybody, Father's Day is next weekend. God knows I'm going to get my dad a man. Great guy tried to help me out 30 frigging years ago. Telling me that the music I was listening to sucked and I didn't even listen to him. Um, you got to act quickly on this one. Seriously. Uh, it's Monday.

All right. Is there anything worse than when either Mother's Day or Father's Day comes around and you ran out of time and you didn't get him a card. You didn't get him flowers. You didn't get him. You didn't get him a damn man. Great. Why don't you just take care of it today? All right.

Just go on there. Slap it on your cat and he's going to be psyched. It's going to be psyched. Father's Day is next weekend. You got to act quickly and get the perfect Father's Day gift. It's the man get man great grill enhancement system. It's a heavy duty grill. It's 100% made in America with cast iron grilling grates to upgrade any grill out there on the market.

Um, making you and your family very happy. Jesus, they could have got better copy on that one making everybody happy instead of sad act now and get the $20 Monday morning podcast special by clicking on the man great banner on billbird.com. All you do is go to the podcast page. You click on the man great thing. And every billbird order comes with a heavy duty man great grilling brush. Um, so for Father's Day, go to billbird.com, the podcast page, hit the button and take advantage of our special $20 offer. Um, these things are great.

Instead of having like those little wussy, you know, like when you buy your grills, you have like, you know, little skinny. You have all the way from the little hibachi ones that the size, the, uh, the grill marks, basically the size of pretzel rods. And then if you get a halfway decent one, you know, they move up to the thick pretzel rods. Remember when you were a kid, you pretended like you smoked a cigar. Wouldn't it be great if you could just switch it out and just have the same size ones you do when you go to your favorite steak houses. That's what these guys are doing with the man great. It's actually a genius system. Um, and it kind of annoys me that I didn't think of doing that.

It's the same like, it's like building a hot rod, right? You're switching out the crap you got at the factory to put on some high performance stuff. Help your dad supercharge his grill this Friday. Maybe he'll make you a burger, you know, and you guys can share an awkward hug. The man great everybody, $20 off. There we go. There we go. That was, that was easy.

That was easy advertising. Oh, and by the way, I finally sent off a check to the, uh, the wounded warriors project so I can stop feeling like a fraud. I know I told you, I finally got a check in two weeks ago, but I've been so damn busy that I couldn't take two seconds to click on the internet to find where to send the check. And we gave him a nice check. I rounded it up to the next hundred because I'm a good shit and I felt like it did my good deed. And if you're new to my podcast, are you wondering, Oh, how can I donate to this podcast and the wounded warriors project all at the same time? Just go to bill bird.com, click on the podcast page. And, uh, and you'll see a banner for Amazon.

All right. If you're going to buy anything on Amazon.com instead of just going directly there, just go to the podcast page on my website, click on the banner and whatever you buy on there. And then they kick me a percentage and then I take 10% of that, give it to the wounded warriors project and now you can feel good about yourself knowing that you helped a group of people that truly needed it and one jackass who probably doesn't. All right. All right, let's start it off good. Let's start off as a good read. You know, it's a good read or that three o'clock high. All right, let's get back to the podcast.

All right. What do we got here? Shoot. You know what? I think it's time. I think it's time for a pyramid scheme. Let's read this one. Hello, Mr. Burr.

I like that. Very formal. A lot of respect. We did it out of respect. We were wise guys. We did what we wanted. Um, I am writing to you today because I need some help about something. Uh, recently my girlfriend's father, mother, father separated.

Thank God, uh, started really, really annoying everyone with calls, emails and meeting requests for some MLM multi-level marketing, AKA pyramid schemes. Oh, it's pyramid schemes retarded little brother. All right. Your girlfriend's father started really annoying everybody. Okay. I'm back on pace here. First, it was, please look at a DVD about a poor guy becoming a rich guy by spending

his time building a water aqueduct instead of wasting his time like the second guy doing the hard work and carrying the water on his back to the village. Um, plan for the future, they said, or some other bullshit of that sort. Uh, there's been a few other great and amazing business opportunities that I could just delete from my inbox, but this time it's just gone too far. Okay. So first he gave you the DVD, then he's sending you some emails and it was sort of, yeah, whatever, you know, use the DVD as a doorstop or maybe to break up your weed and then you just delete

the emails. So so far he's not being annoying. Let's move on to the second. That's the first 10 pages of this screenplay. All right. Let's move on to the action here. Now he requires all of us to drop all our phone internet providers to go with his offer. What do you mean he requires you?

He actually can't get anyone to go along with that crap. But as in every fable, he's got many pseudo facts about a big thing that will come. Oh, big thing that will make this company rich and that for the small fee of $500, we can start selling those great deals too. How is this shit legal? By now he's contacting me every day, text messages, emails, Facebook comments, all of that. He was nice.

Now he's starting to use his skills on me saying things like he's doing this for me and for his daughter's future. I couldn't believe he argued back when I told him I believed it was not worth my time and effort for the little monetary reward. Good for you. He said I was wrong not to want to do it. I mean, my opinion is wrong, lol. In any case, if it was anybody else, I would take pleasure.

Why can't I read this week? I mean, I know I can't read every week, but this week I'm just really just, was it because I just had bacon? It's the grease fucking up my, clogging up my synapses here. All right, let's try this bill. Let's try a little momentum. In any case, if it was anybody else, I would take pleasure out of telling him to go fuck himself with his residual income and that I am perfectly happy to be a fucking loser

with the linear income. He taught me those terms, yuck. I want to tell him that I would like to work by the hour better than having to beg or suck a dick in the back of a gas station to sell a phone internet package that will be worth a few points. I already have a great day job. I work on my photography, I play PC games, I jerk off a lot too. I have no time for this.

Not that I would even, not that I would even if I had the time. I'm thinking of a good old fading technique I learned in the past love relationships, that I'll always be there at Christmas parties and such pitching his bullshit. Please help me before I strangle him. Thank you. All right. What do you do here? Well, you've already done what I said.

What I was going to think to say was basically say I'm not interested. Why don't you make your own DVD and when he hands you a DVD of what you should be investing in, you just hand him a DVD of you going. Thank you for your interest in making me a millionaire. Unfortunately, at this time, I am not interested. Please don't try again later. Just to see how annoying he is. Why don't you start spamming him?

No, that's gay. Don't do that. Sorry, I'm fucking throwing shit against the wall here. What can you do? Why don't you just anytime he starts bringing it up? Just anything. Oh, Jesus. Just fucking yell something.

Why don't you just go, oh my God, really loud and walk out of the room every time he does it? How about you get an air horn and anytime he brings it up, just right in his face, something. I don't know what I mean. I don't know. You already told the guy you're not interested. I can tell you what you don't do. Don't bitch about him to your girlfriend.

All right. Use his own separate annoying entity and always keep it a joke between you and your girl. You know, that's the only way you can do it. If you really care about this girl and you want to stay with her. If you don't, this is a great reason to fucking dump her. But I mean, I don't know what to tell you. This is your girlfriend's dad and to be honest with you, if he wasn't doing this shit, he probably do something else that would annoy you.

You know, maybe this is his passive aggressive way of trying to just ruin a part of your life because he knows at the end of the day, you're fucking his kid. You ever think about that? Why don't you stop being so selfish? Put yourself in his position for as annoying as his, you know, pyramid scheme is the end of the day when you need your dick suck, you're going to this guy's daughter. So you know, if you look at it that way, I think that you're winning. All right, all right, Bill, father's is another topic.

What's with father's having this, the standard ringtones, standard father's shoes and not giving a shit what they wear for a hat. Oh, I can answer that despite the fact that I'm not a father. I know what that is. It's what I've been fighting my entire adult life is having the woman in your life just wear you down. It's not even that. And then just the laws in society.

What happens when you get married as a guy is the, the pilot light goes out for a lot of things. You just don't give a fuck anymore. You know, I know you have kids, so you put them first and all of that type of shit. But this in as much as it's from what I've heard, having a kid is the greatest fucking thing ever. And I'm not making fun of that, but there is a part of you that dies. You know, that howling at the moon, that fucking, you know, going out just living.

There's just something, there's a part of life that just dies and you just don't give a shit. You're a beaten man. All right, you gave him the love. You're married. There's no way out without just fucking having your wallet ripped out through your balls and then back into your chest cavity through your heart and through your spinal cord. You're fucked.

You're looking at a beaten man. He doesn't give a fuck. All I need is the phone to make a noise. You know, and I can, I know it's ringing and I'll answer it. I just need these shoes to cover my feet. So it doesn't hurt if I step on a nail and I don't get wet when it rains. And I don't give a fuck. I just don't want to get a sunburn on top of my head.

I'll fucking wear whatever hat you give me. I don't give a shit. You just don't give a shit after a while. I think that's what it is. It's really sad, actually, when that part of you dies. You know what I mean? Like, I hate all that, that midlife crisis shit that people talk about, that if you're in your midlife, you can't go out and have a good time.

If you go out and get hammered, if you buy a cool car, you know, if you haven't played guitar forever and then you want to start playing guitar again, it's like, are you trying to recapture your youth? Now, I'm trying to fucking live. I'm trying to have something that excites me. You can't be excited beyond a certain fucking age. When are you going to grow up? I think it's time to grow up.

And if anybody says that, even if it's a woman, you slap them right in the fucking face and say, how dare you? That's how you get away with it. Because the second the bouncer sees you slap a woman in the face, he's coming over there to choke you out. He hears the magic phrase, how dare you? He stops in his track because he immediately knows that the woman was completely out of line.

That works. Try it out this weekend. Slap a woman in the face and then scream, how dare you? I guarantee you that the physical way that you're removed from that bar will be less than if you just hauled off and slapped a woman, if you just haul off and slap a woman, you're an animal. Okay. If you, if you say how dare you right afterwards, you're sort of the victim.

That theory has never been tested. If you're a faithful listener, I'd like you to try it out, not just randomly. You know, you got to find a woman that deserves it. In other words, stand in a bar for about eight minutes. This is bad. Don't do it. I do not condone the slapping of women. That was actually to get me out of any legal trouble.

And then I said it in a funny voice. So then I'll get in trouble. Or weren't you mocking? Wasn't that, wasn't even the warning part of the comedy, Mr. Burr? Go fuck yourself, counselor. Huh? I thought you were supposed to wear one of those Matlock suits. Um, all right, uh, DeRosa's bio to hell is this, Bill, I was reading Joe DeRosa's

IMDB bio and it said something like he did all these things despite the fact that he was born without shoulders. Is this a fact? Um, no, that's actually, people who say Joe, like that whole urban myth that Joe DeRosa doesn't have shoulders is like the same thing like that Mama Cass from the Mamas and Papas died by choking on a chicken bone. You know, people just assume that that's why she died because she was a fat chick. But that isn't how she died of a cardiac arrest.

But the rumor started that she died choking on a chicken bone and, uh, and it's stuck like that gerbil up Richard Gears ass that's just some urban myths that just never died that just have no facts behind them. Um, that whole Richard Gears, he had a gerbil up his ass and it got stuck or some shadow ran the wrong way to fucking fell asleep in a rest area up his ass. I don't know what the fuck happened, but, um, you know, that like it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life and that was just clearly started by somebody whose

girlfriend thought Richard Gears was dreamy and he just walked into a bar and just said it. I mean, I don't know how these fucking things start. Joe DeRosa has shoulders. If Joe DeRosa did not have shoulders, it would be impossible for him to then, you know, he'd be missing his shoulder joint. He couldn't hold that microphone in the, the, um, androgynous way that he does the reality is what Joe is missing is he's missing the meat between his neck and his shoulders.

That's what he's missing. Like it's a birth defect. Joe was actually born without collar bones. If you, which gives the, and the fact that he doesn't have collar bones, it gives the illusion that he doesn't have any shoulders. And the reality is, is because his shoulders are where that, I don't know what you call it. The shoulder taint, it's that meat between your neck and your shoulders.

Joe was not born with that, unfortunately, and, um, and even Saturday, there is no cure at this time, but that doesn't mean we're not going to stop fighting and we're going to have a benefit. We're just trying to get, you know, it's hard to get all these guys, you know, get everybody's schedules lined up, but we're definitely going to have, um, you know, some sort of benefit to try and get Joe some sort of prostheses for, uh, you know, plastic collar bones. All right. I hope that clears it up, but I'm not trying to take away the fact that he has accomplished

amazing things for a guy who has a defective torso. You know, you ever think about that? I mean, collar bones are a bone that you really do take for granted. You know, he really is an inspiration that's just why he's this sensation. You'd have to be a sensation to achieve what he's done with that awful body, that awful hand that God dealt him. Um, all right. All right.

You've been doing a lot of activities. You know, when they say, what do you, what do you buy the man who has everything? You know what you do? You get him activities. My girl gets annoyed at me because she goes, I don't know what to get you. You buy anything that you want. You know, I fucking, uh, and I do, and I don't apologize for it. If I want to play hockey and you know, I'll go buy some skates.

God damn it. I got to sit around and wait for you. Wait for a fucking birthday and a goddamn dessert with flames coming out of it before I get what the fuck I want. All right. And the words of Bobby Brown, I made this money. You didn't. I'm fucking buying it.

I want to buy a guitar. I'm going to fucking buy it. So she's, I don't know what to catch you. Should I get you a shirt? You know what? I'd rather you slap me in the fucking face. Don't ever get anybody a shirt for a God, for birthday or Christmas. That's the go fuck yourself gift.

Here you go. Here's something. This is something that I, I could put paper around you. You could, you don't buy anybody clothes. How dare you? So the lovely Nia has, has been getting me, uh, you know, just, she got me tickets to the John Bonham birthday bash, which was the shit. Um, oh, that was one of the heavy metal video that I, I fucking loved and really it actually

stood the test of time was the second album. Um, I liked the second skid row. Sebastian, Sebastian Bach, Sebastian, Sebastian Bachville or Sebastian Bach, Sebastian Bach. They had a couple of songs on there that I liked. It wasn't all bad, but I mean, come on, I was, it was shockingly bad. You went from that awful quiet, right? Video to teenage Frankenstein. Like I just was, I couldn't, I couldn't fucking believe it.

It was unbelievable. So anyways, so the lovely Nia yesterday, she took me, uh, a horseback riding over in Griffith Park and, uh, I shouldn't have said that. Why did I say where we went? Ah, Jesus. Cause now I'm going to shit on it. Um, so we went over there. I've only ridden a horse once in my life and the hard fucking thing about riding a horse

when you've never ridden one or taken any lessons is when they start trotting is to stop your balls from slamming off the fucking saddle. There's a way you're supposed to ride with them, which of course they don't explain. So I was kind of, you know, that was like my goal to learn how to ride a horse while it trots without having my nuts slammed, you know, back up into my body like I'm freezing to death. You guys are aware of that, right? That your balls pull up into you if it gets cold enough.

And a desperate attempt to preserve heat down there, they pull up into you. That's, that's, that's what that term freezing your balls off. You know, came, you know, if you stomp somebody long enough, like they will shit themselves, which is the, the genesis of, uh, I beat the shit out of them, beat the piss out of them. You know, that's the thing about getting, you know, if you got the shit beat out of you, you already got the piss beat out of you because the, the, the piss gets beaten out of you before the shit gets beat out of you, unless you're dehydrated.

All right. So those, those are the, those are the different levels of, of an ass kicking. So anyways, we go over to this, this, um, this place to go, to go horseback riding and we go over there and there's at least horses and you know, if you don't ride horses, the first thing, whenever you see them, aside from the fact that they're beautiful, you like that is a big fucking animal and that thing is a hundred percent muscle and if that thing kicks me in my temple, I am going to be drooling until the fucking, until Jesus comes, I'm going to be done.

And, uh, so anyway, so we're feeding these things, you know, with the English man teeth, you know, really straight and yellow, you know, holding your hand out like it's a plate and they're sitting there with their soft little muzzle eating the carrot and, uh, that was all the good times. And then, then we go to, uh, you know, there's all these good looking horses. Now, then we go to like go to the horses that we're going to ride and they're all back in this pen and there's like fucking 12 of them. They all have saddles on them and they just got this look on their face.

You know what I mean? Like you remember in platoon when fucking Charlie Sheen's character just fucking lands in the nom, remember that? And as he's walking in, he's seeing all those fucking troops going home and he just sees that fucking look and if that's what those horses look like. And I felt like Charlie Sheen. I was waiting for one of the horses. Oh, we got ourselves a crusader here.

Um, I did. I felt like the, uh, you know, the little bitchy guy going into prison. I felt all these things as I looked at those fucking, they just had this vibe. And, uh, so they pulled two horses out one bigger than the other. And the bitch in me is like, I want the smaller horse. Cause I'm telling you the second you get on a horse, all you think is Christopher Reeve fucking lawn dart right in the ground. And then I, I wheel myself out at some fucking benefit and act like I'm still

enjoying life, fuck that. Right. I drive myself right off the end of the stage. I'd go right along with it, get myself a tuxedo. Oh yeah, everything's all good. Just fucking floor it with my tongue and I'd zoom myself right off, hopefully hitting a TV executive, taking them out with me. Um, that's how I would handle that challenge in life cause I'm a coward.

So anyways, I fucking, you know, then I'm like, come on man, you gotta let your girl have the smaller horse. So then they go drag the bigger horse out and this thing, it's just fucking like, it's not rearing back, but it's making it really difficult. The thing is clearly communicating. I don't want to go. And, uh, so I get on this fucking thing and the guy, you know, you, you go right, you pull right to go left, you pull left.

And now you want to stop. You just pull it back. All right. So we start riding these things and they know the trail. They're just completely ignoring me and Nia. You want to go left? They fucking yanked their head back like, go fuck yourself. We're going this way.

I know, I know the trail. All right. They fucking, uh, what's, what's a, what's a word they, they, they use for some novice cowboy. Uh, what is that word? All right. They huckleberry. Is that one of those Western words?

Hey, what is worse? Hair metal or some of that fucking patriotic country music post 9 11? What, what is worse to you? What is more cringe worthy? You know, um, shout at the devil. Or that, that Toby Keith, uncle Sam's going to put a boot in your ass. Ugh. Um, oh my God.

Every dime that guy made in that song should have been thrown in his face and then given to the troops or something else, or just, and then the, and then the, and then the partial of it would be to incinerate any record that, that, that track was ever recorded, the most pandering horseshit you could ever come out with, uh, horrific. Sorry. Sorry. Plowing your head here.

So anyways, like the horses were just in bad moods. They'll bite at each other and they just like, at one point I tried to make the thing go left and went back and I tried to bite my foot. And I said to me, I go, Jesus, I go, this fucking thing hates me. And then I just thought, I was like, you know what, I'd hate me. Okay. If I climbed on my back and I had to walk me up this goddamn hill, I'd hate me. Then somebody said that, you know, they don't even feed him well over there.

I shouldn't say that shit because I named the place. I don't know. Try to claim that they're over there. They feed him like fucking shredded wheat instead of the real stuff. I have no idea. But, um, it started off as this really peaceful thing to be riding the horse, which was awesome. And then immediately I just was just like, I couldn't get back soon enough

because I wanted to get off this thing's fucking back because I knew that that's what the horse wanted. You know, it's awful. Fucking just, I think if I ever, if I ever fucking had a ton of money, I've said this before, if I ever got a horse, I would get, I would buy a horse just so I would never ride it. So it could have a, you know, maybe once a week, just to show him who's boss. All right.

You plant those carrots there, fucking sea biscuit. Anyways, I thought that was going to be a funny story. It was just being a sad story. Kind of like the boss in Celtics losing game seven. Oh, that, that kills me. That kills me that those guys, they're going to break up that team. And I got to tell you, I've been, you know, I, I was lucky Celtic family. I grew up, I started watching and, you know, in sixth grade when Larry Bird came

through and all that shit, the battles with the 76ers, the fucking Lakers and all that type of stuff. And, um, I got to tell you, I am hard pressed to think of another Celtic team that had more heart than the Celtics, this, this version of the Celtics, you know, they just never quit, never say, said that it was brutal. Watching dark rivers, getting all emotional when he hugged Kevin Garnett was, uh, it was fucking, it was fucking brutal, brutal, but you know, Miami Heat did that thing and I'm loving that LeBron, you know, LeBron's one

of those guys that like, uh, I was like, ah, what a douchebag when he said, I'm going to bring my talents to South Beach and all that. But I got over it after a while. And then just people just kept hating the guy. And it's to the point now, I almost want to see him win. If I didn't like Durant so much, like either way, I'm going to be really happy. Um, because, uh, I would love to see LeBron get one just to make all everybody who hates him, unless you're from Cleveland, if you still hate LeBron,

you're a douchebag, you know, you really just hate some aspect of your life. But people in Cleveland, they should hate that guy. And New York and Chicago, they, they, they should be annoyed with that guy because he got, you guys got you all excited, like, you know, Chicago, six fucking rings. They have the greatest player of all time, Michael Jordan. Okay. They roll out the red carpet for you and all you can come up with was,

yeah, I found their, their offer intriguing, intriguing. Like he was rubbing his little, uh, you know, I read books beard that he's grown. You know, I'm into alternative medicine, uh, half a goatee. You know, if you grow a fucking beard like LeBron has, you better be like inventing shit somewhere, wearing some sort of a lab coat. All right. And stop putting on your fake black rim glasses with the clear windshield. Um, you got to hand it to black people.

They are the only ones that could make somebody with a fucking erector set look cool. They can somehow make that look, uh, appealing, I guess. But I got to tell you that NBA montage where they showed like 12 of them in a row, all wearing those glasses was fucking ridiculous. But anyways, Chris Bosch killed us and all that type of shit. Um, so I don't know. I have no idea, but, um, I don't know. I thought that the heat fucking earned it.

They came out the second half. They fucking, and they just never let up and we couldn't get back in it. And, uh, I don't know. I don't know why the fuck we were trying to guard LeBron that far out. I mean, even Van Gundy, the whole game was like, just make the guy take a jump shot. If you fucking press up on the guy, he's too quick. He's going to run by you. Once he gets too fucking a step and a half, that freight train's coming, you know,

that first of all, there's no way to get in front of him quick enough to get a charge. You're going to get hurt. All you can do is just try to hack at the guy and he's going to get fouled and it's either going to be two shots or an N one. So why not hang back? I don't know. Look at me watching fucking the NBA for a couple of weeks. All of a sudden, I think I can coach better than dark rivers.

Um, but anyways, I'm going to game six tomorrow night because the fucking kings have lost two in a row. For those of you who don't watch hockey, man, they were up four games, three games to none. Going to close out the fourth game. I went downtown, got absolutely fucking hammered. Um, I planned on getting drunk. I planned on getting drunk. I did take this subway and, uh, but I also planned on eating something. I went down there on an empty stomach and we found this fucking bar that no one was at

that had this giant screen and we were sitting there laughing. It was two minutes before the game. There was nobody in there. Felt like we were on MTV Cribs. We didn't have to pay for the house and I don't know. We had two drinks. We turned around and the place was jam packed and then I went to order food and the guy's like, I'm sorry, I'm not serving food now because the stupid manager didn't take into account that

the kings could have won their first Stanley cup ever and that the sports bar was going to be packed. So he just had one guy work in the bar. So all he was doing was making, uh, making drinks and, uh, you know, me, I'm trying to watch my girlish figure here. So I fucking after a couple of beers, I switched over to crowns and, uh, I don't know what happened. I vaguely remember at the end of the game going out and getting a cheeseburger and, uh, the dude behind the counter, you know, was a standup, uh, fan.

So he knew me and my buddy and he gave us a drink and then he actually brought over some sort of, like, and I never drink shit like this. He goes, you should try these out there really good. And it tasted like a milkshake, but it had, it was like a shot of it, but it had booze in it. I just don't do well with that shit. You know, I don't like that cross pollinating. You know, Hey, let's have a dessert and get fucking hammered. I don't do that.

You know, let's go to a titty bar and get a cheeseburger. I don't do that either. You know, the strip clubs that serve fucking food. You know, it's like, do one or the other. Get, get one of these things to focus. Need to be streamlined. All right. So trying to be the best buy of titties, right?

Um, just got absolutely fucking inebriated. Went down on the subway and the subway, it's almost like the red line in Boston. Well, one goes out to brain tree. The other one goes to Matapan. I was trying to go to brain tree and I got on the Matapan one by accident. I was like, fuck. So I had to get off hammered, took it back the other way.

And I go, yeah, I want the brain tree one. Oh, go downstairs. So I go downstairs and they still have two trains running on that track. So I fucking got on the Matapan one again. It was actually the Wilshire one. And, uh, oh God, I was fucking living. When I realized they made a mistake, I just looked over at other passengers.

I was like, it's this fucking thing going down Wilshire. And somebody looked at his buddy. He's like, is he with you? And everyone laughed at me. I was like, God, I'm that guy. Then I got off the platform on the platform and just had treads. Fucking goddamn fucking stupid ass fucking city. No fucking subway in the whole fucking country.

Just an absolute F bomb. And then some really nice girl actually talked to me. Like ignored my cursing and my angry anger and spitting on the tracks. And was just like, oh, did you get on the wrong way too? I'm like, yeah, it's fucking fucking fucking fucking. And then she's just like, yeah, it's kind of confused. She didn't, she didn't give in to it. She was a saint, everybody.

That's what I'm trying to say. All right. Last little round here of, what do we got here? Of advertising. I got the last one here. Game fly, everybody. My listeners get a 15 day free trial with two games mailed out in the trial. New offer.

What, did they just give me bullet points at this point? Do you think I have the copy memorized? See, what do I remember? Hey, you guys like playing video games, don't you? Wouldn't it be great if you had 8,000 video games at your fingertips? What if they could be delivered right to your doorstep or your PC? What if you got 15 day free trial? Free trial.

Come on. You just broke up with your girlfriend, right? How many times are you going to lay there staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell you just did before you got to play a video game and take your mind off of it? Well, here's 8,000, 8, you could break up with like a thousand chicks and never think of any of them with 8,000 games at your fingertips for 15 day free trial.

You can't beat it. Gamefly.com slash burr. Go in there, click on the microphone, do what you got to do, get all those video games. All right? Cleo, will you stop licking your privates? Hey! Please go off in the corner.

What are you doing? It's fucking weird. You do it like every fucking 20 minutes. You know? Do you need to go to the doctor? If you could see the way this dog is just staring at me like she actually understands what I'm saying. What's up, buddy?

You know what? You know what's a great place to scratch your dog is underneath the collar. Every once in a while, they wear the collar forever. I take my dog's collar off like every night. You know, not because I'm a good dog owner. It's because she wakes up before I do and she shakes like a madman like this. Like that.

And it's basically my alarm clock in the morning. So I take this fucking thing off and then I give her a nice scratch on the back of the neck. And she gets, you know, that look dogs get on their face where they kind of like, it's this weird thing where they don't move their body forward. They just move their face forward like, oh god. That's what it's doing right now.

You like that, don't you? Huh? That's what you can't get to. All right. Next scratch. That's it right there. That's what she does with her fucking ears. And I know it didn't sound that loud,

but it fucking six in the morning. I'm sorry, seven o'clock in the morning. It's real loud. All right, Bill, we've had enough of your personal life. Hey, Bill, is there any way you could bring the post office into my apartment? Absolutely, I could. Stamps.com, everybody.

There's no reason to go to the post office anymore. Okay. It's over. Like Bell Bottoms. It's done. All right. This is just yet another thing with today's technology. You can just actually handle while you're walking around,

eating a bowl of fruit loops, if you can do that with one hand and type on a keyboard. You go to stamps.com, everybody. This is a great thing about stamps.com. Not only will it save you time, you can buy and print official US postage from your own computer or printer. Okay.

Slap it on an envelope. They give you a little, they give you a little scale. You can weigh whatever the hell you're trying to ship out. It'll give you the postage right on the meter. You slap that on there and you stick it out in your mailbox. It's done. It's a complete circle. All right.

Stamps.com also will save you money. It's a fraction of the cost of a postage meter. Plus, you get discounts you can't even find at the post office. What more do these people need to do? Right now, if you use my last name Burr, B-U-R-R for this special offer, you get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus that includes a digital scale

and up to $55 in free postage. All right. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R. That's stamps.com. Enter B-U-R-R.

Do that, you know, unless you enjoy going to the post office. Maybe you're one of those people. Maybe you like going down there, trying to find a place to park and all the other things that go along with that. The homeless guy holding the door for you. Thank you, God bless. Thank you, God bless.

I could have done that myself. Thank you. Thank you. Now you're the martyr. I know. Now I got to give you money on the way out. I get it. I get it.

Or you could just be, you know, sitting there in your jocks. Anybody else's dad used to call you run away? Your jocks. All right. This podcast is getting too long. All right. Let's wrap it up here.

Where do we go here? Where do we go here? What is this? This is somebody reacting to last week's that epic story of that bisexual kid whose mom and parents were really religious and how they found out he was gay was he was hooking up with some dude in the house.

She started whacking him with the mail. Anyways, this guy says, Hi Bill, I heard the bisexual gay dude story you told in your podcast most recently about the guy who moved from the Carolinas to Arizona for college and got caught doing the deed by his mom. I am not gay.

I do not have any gay tendencies or anything like that, but I've seen a similar circumstance happen with a close friend. I know that the dude's mom and the whole family feels awkward about him being gay, but the more indifferent they act,

the more likely the 19 year old guy from Carolina will end up doing something he will probably regret. Absolutely. Anyway, my advice is this. Show your mom the movie. Prayers for Bobby and she will turn right around.

I guarantee it. Hope things work out. All right. I don't know what that movie is, but if the person who wrote it last week, go ahead and read that. Go watch that movie or show it to your mom

and hopefully she'll come around. Dilemma. Number one, Bill, would you rather have been born with this sporting talent to be an NHL All-Star or the musical talent to drum for AC DC after Phil Rudd?

Ah. That's a, that is a fucking dilemma. Um. God damn it. That's a coin flip right there. All right. Well, here's the deal.

If I could play in the NHL, I'd play in the 80s, despite the hair metal music that would probably be being played while I did the skate around in the beginning. Let's shoot around whatever the fuck you call it. 01:02:36,280 --> 01:02:37,880 Wait, do I have my body?

I mean, I'd want to be a tough guy. If I'm going to play in the NHL, I might be, I have a, uh, a, a, a, the very best, a goal scorers body. And even then, I'm too small.

I'm barely five foot 10. Guys could do that back then. Could I be a, if I could be chippy every once in a while, Nevin Marquott style, I don't know, Oh, the musical talent to drum for ACDC

after Phil Rudd. Well, if I drummed for ACDC after Phil Rudd, I'd be Simon Wright from 83 to 90. Then I would leave to Joan Dio. And have to play last in line. Or I could have been

considering I'm balding. Maybe I'd be Chris Slade who drums from 90 to 96 and all of a sudden gets kicked out just cause they want to bring Phil Rudd back. I don't like those endings. Those are, those are like running back careers.

Those are real short. I, you know what? I'll take the NHL All-Star. A fucking All-Star. And I get to wear either that Campbells or Whales jersey. Oh, I'd take that. Have a fucking red mullet.

I'm here. Two gets curly when it grows long. I'd look like Bernie from room 222. I'd take the NHL. That was a good one. That was an old coin flip. All right. Number two, dilemma.

Imagine you're walking in a built up area and come across a glittery box. What is a built up area? Curiosity compels you to look inside it. And upon doing so, find it stacked full of child pornography. Your prints and DNA are on the box. So you can't walk away from it.

If you set it on fire, what happens if the cops stop? If a cop stops you or a residence and they notice a half chart picture of an A, you're like, ah, he's burning evidence. If you hand it into the police, you'd still be implicated.

No, I wouldn't. If I find a fucking dead body on the side of the road, I don't get charged with murder. Quick, light it on fire. This is hilarious. Anyway, let me just keep reading this. I'd be implicated as a suspect because I found a tin of child pornography

and I brought it in. They'd probably give me shift for contaminating the evidence. That would look weird though if I walked in. Hey, I found this on the side of the road. I kind of see where you're going with this. You just would, oh, he's just saying no matter what,

you just would get implicated. And I think you could do without headlines like comedian hands child porn into police claims. I found it. And he's misunderstood like Michael Jackson. If you decide to take it home to destroy it, what if you stop by a gang of youths on the way and it's knocked out of your hand

and the entire depraved mass spills across the floor? If you don't get it home and turn it into a paper mache in the sink, what? If you do get it home and it turns into paper mache in the sink, what if it blocks it or Nia asks what you're up to? Nothing there, just destroying images of naked preteens.

So how would you deal with this terrible situation? Simple. The curiosity compels me to look at the glittery box. I would open it and upon seeing the contents within, I would jump back like Morgan Freeman's character in seven when he sees Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head in the box. All right. And then I would just start running in circles,

yelling he has the upper hand until I'm arrested and put in an insane asylum. I just if I found I would just I would report it immediately. I would report it immediately. You know, that's it. I saw it. I opened it. It was in there and that's it.

Go ahead, parade a month to half naked kids in front of me and watch me not get aroused. There you go. There's my fucking defense. Go fuck yourself. I'm trying to help you guys out. Why don't you dust it and find the other set of prints and go start with that douche.

All right. Now me and my pussy looking dog are getting out of here. Go fuck yourselves. All right. Lights camera dumped. Bill, I'm a 29 year old guy and recently broke up with a funny attractive and all around great girl. Oh, Jesus.

Why, sir, would you do that? You ask. All right. Two things. Her dad was born without teeth and you're worried your baby will. If you breed with her or she has got something going on in the vaginal area, some sort of odor, stinky pussy.

I don't know. Here we go. Well, let me tell you, this girl and I have been dating for about three months and we had a great thing going. She's half Afro Cuban, half Puerto Rican and really sexy. She had a rough upbringing, but I didn't care because she's honest, easygoing and not bitchy like so many girls I've dated. She was a bit needy, but I didn't mind.

We were out at a bar one night having a few drinks and I was feeling pretty good. I was looking at a couple of flusies at the end of the bar and I asked her if she's ever been with another woman. She coyly looked at me and said, yes. Good stuff. I thought, yeah, dude, this is a fucking fantasy right here. Fucking red shoe diaries.

Then I proceeded with, have you ever been in a threesome with two girls and a guy? Again, she answered, yes. Okay, kind of slutty, but I'm no saint. Well, I couldn't stop there. Oh God, you're going to go for the rotisserie question. What's in the box? Oh, here we go.

Here we go. Strap yourselves in for this one. Well, I couldn't stop there. So I asked, have you ever had a threesome with two guys? She looked down at the ground and she looked up a bit of ashamedly and said, yes. Wow, skank alert, I thought. I then asked her one more question.

I knew this one could backfire. Where the fuck do you go from here? Like throwing the high heat to Albert, Albert Pujos. I finally asked, wait, have you ever been in a porn? She then blushed and looked me in the eye and said, yeah. I looked at her calmly and was like, oh, but inside I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Yes.

Well, you should. You know, those first couple. I mean, you can look at, let's, let's break this down here. All right. She's been with, uh, she's had a threesome with another girl and a guy who get that. That's who gives a fuck right there. All right.

You already knew she banged another guy. All right. But, uh, the fact that she also did it with another girl, that takes a little fucking, uh, that tones down his dick and her pussy. Right. This is how guys think women. I'm sorry. All right.

That's something that, that's something in the, uh, the credit, is it the credit bill? Why, why, why do you try to talk accounting shit? You're too dumb. All right. That one's all right. The two guys thing. Now you can look the other way on that maybe if it, if it was in another state,

but it can't be in the same state because if you run into one of the two guys that fucking, you know, we're high fiving as they fucking banged her. That may not be, I don't know about that one, but then the third one, she did a porno. I mean, yeah, no, that's, uh, you got to walk away from that. Or, or you have to go to NASA to get tested for the latest fucking STDs. I would think, and then also God knows what's going on. Uh, mentally that you would do that.

What? I just like sex. No, no, no. There's something going on. Who doesn't like sex? I don't know. Anyways, plowing ahead. See, so she, he goes.

So basically she had moved down to Los Angeles when she was 20. She's now 25. And after a short stint in the military, somehow she got into the porn industry for eight months. She did everything. Ew. Fuck sucked the whole shebang. I asked her if I could see her video, but she wouldn't tell me her performer name and

said vehemently that it would be impossible to find her body of work. I asked her why she got into porn and she replies. Cause I wanted some feeling in my life. And then he writes, oh Jesus. Yeah, dude, this poor girl, something happened to her. The thing was she was clean, had a good job and I really liked her. And the sex was great. Yeah.

Obviously, you know what's funny? There was something you wrote in the beginning where I just thought she was going to be good. 29 year old guy, attractive, all around great girl. Oh, the fact that you said she had a rough upbringing, but she was easy going and honest and not bitchy. Right there. I was like, that girl's good in bed. That just seemed like a kind of free open person.

I don't know. I didn't know she was going to be that open. Oh, jeez. Anyways, the thing was she was clean and blah, blah. The sex was great, but I, I couldn't stop picturing her in some sleazy porno that was probably filmed in some junkyard on La Brea. So I went to ask for a friend's advice. Most of my guys were telling me to dump her.

My gay friends told me it was fabulous and that I should overlook it. I didn't even bother asking my girlfriends because they would automatically reject her and assume I had AIDS. There you go. Keep your options open. So regretfully, I dumped her. I felt terrible and obviously didn't tell her it was because she was a porn star because she would have been ashamed for the rest of her life.

And I was happy that she was honest with me. I've done my fair share of sleaze, but this was too much. My question bill was bill, my question bill. Was it wrong for me to dump her for some decision she made years ago? Should I have stayed with her? What would have you done? Well, you don't want to know what I would have done. I'm a fucking degenerate.

So you seem like a good person. Dude, when you're trying to find the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you have to have a list of criteria. All right? You sound like you're still young, so there's no reason to compromise. All right? I mean, when you get with somebody like that and you're going to live with them and you get with anybody, you're taking on all of their fucking baggage.

All right? You're only three months in. And you know, people who go into the porn industry, it's like people become comedians. We're not healthy individuals. Okay? And that is like a specific area. This is just my own personal non-medical feeling that you're just not a healthy person.

Something awful happened. And that line, I just wanted to feel something. I mean, something bad happened to her caused her to wall herself off. I don't even want to try to guess what, but you know, there's nothing wrong with anything that she did personally, you know, technically, and she was honest with it. It all comes down to whether or not you want to deal with it. All right?

And if you feel that, you know, you want to deal with it and that there was this sort of connection that you just had, this girl had to be in your life, then you're going to have to learn to live with it and get past it. But I would be definitely, I would definitely be concerned with certain mental issues, not like she's insane. And then I would also be concerned with sexual boundaries, you know, like would she have any and could she remain faithful after a while? And when you settle into the seven year itch or whatever,

and you really start needing to work at the relationship and it's feeling boring and she needs to feel something again, is she going to go back to that leather couch from that show, Martin. Ma and, you know, down on fuck in the valley and get banged again. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. That is a, you know what? That is beyond my skills.

I don't know how to tame that horse. I could tell you that right fucking now. I don't, I have no fucking clue. That's a, you know what? That's a Dr. Drew question. That is a classic Dr. Drew question. And that guy within two seconds will get right to the core of it. I would call, I would call in love line, man.

If you're out here, call them up because that's a, that's a great one. Yeah, I guess you'd have to figure out is, has she worked through whatever the fuck she was working through and now she's ready to, I mean, I don't know. Hey, those are some good looking girls down there. And she's like, yeah, they are or whatever. Like, I mean, if you kept steering it in that direction, you'd probably get your fucking threesome right there.

So there's that, there's that option. The option that you have is if you're with her, like, I think you could, you know, that's, that's a selfish fucking and a shallow reason to stay with somebody longterm. Yeah, Jesus. I don't know. Great fucking emails, by the way, everybody. Oh, but I'm pissing you guys off too much by fucking trash and all that metal shit.

You know, I have half those t-shirts and I went to go see the, I was just embarrassed by some of that shit that I used to listen to. Oh, Jesus, right up until I was like 2021 fucking brutal. What, what, what, what redeemable thing that I have. I did listen to the Beatles, the doors, the stones, all that white boy shit. Stevie Ray Vaughan, I did listen to Hendricks. I listened to all the big band swing through my dad shift from the fifties. I had such a weird musical upbringing anyways,

which was actually good because it was kind of all over the map. I started hanging out with Patrice back in the day. Patrice was the one, rest his soul, got me the, I still remember when he got in that same piece of shit truck that I went to the AC DC concert and seven fucking years later, I'm still driving it, right? Making the sacrifices. Remember that? I told you, you don't get some fucking job and go out and buy a fucking new car.

You just change yourself to your cubicle. I always kept my, I put a new engine in the fucking truck. Had somebody slap that in there for 1200 bucks, pay that down rather than 12 grand for a new car like it was back then. So anyways, I still remember swinging by picking Patrice up and going into Nix and he had the cassette tape ready to die. And him putting that in, telling me that this guy was going to be the next guy. And then through all of that, like he cured me of all the

rap that a white kid liked who lived in a cul-de-sac. And he showed me all of that shit. So I had that whole background, all that stuff fucking held up. But the fucking metal that I listened to, I even watched like Lawrence Welk when I was a kid. When the creepiest shows ever. Even that was fucking thrown in there. And it's funny, like fucking almost 40 years later,

I'll be walking down the street and all of a sudden Winchester Cathedral will be going through my head. Winchester Cathedral, bo-do-do-do-do, y'all bringin' me down. Am I really going to sing this? You could have done something. My baby left town, we-pe-de-pe-pe-pe-pe. All right, let's wrap this up.

Upcoming shows. I'm going to be at the Improv in San Jose, June 14th and 15th this weekend. Sacramento Zone, Chelsea Peretti is not going to be there unfortunately. So I replaced her. Okay? Like that chick on that fucking show with Sandy Duncan. Kevin Shay.

Okay, Kevin Shay is going to be there. It was fucking hilarious, really original. So it's going to be an awesome show. San Jose, June 14th and 15th at the Improv Theater in downtown San Jose. On June 17th, I'll be at the Chicago Theater, part of the Vince Vaughn Wild West comedy show. With Steve Byrne, Vince Vaughn, and a bunch of other guys. It's going to be an amazing show.

That might already be sold out. That's June 17th. So if it isn't, it's going to be. Go to billbird.com and click on all these ticket links real quick. The Ontario Improv, June 29th, 30th and July 1st. The Inland Empire. And then I'm going to be going out in the Boston area, dude. Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino.

Hampton Beach, fucking New Hampshire, July 14th. And after that, I'm going down to Rhode Island, kid. Going down to the Newport Yacht and Center. July 15th. I'll be in a tent out in the parking lot. Come on down. It'll be a good time. And that's it.

That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you for listening. I'm going to miss those Celtics. God damn it. I'm going to miss them. Hell of a run. And it still kills me that fourth quarter of the 2009 finals.

I really wish the refs had gotten out of the way. And if the Celtics were going to lose, I could have watched the Lakers, you know, win that, you know, not taking 24 unguarded shots. It's just fucking kidding. It's not the Lakers fault. I just, the fucking refs, they just, they have too much goddamn power.

Too much fucking power, man. Put your fucking whistle away. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Premium selection Certificate.