Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-11-18

Episode Date: June 11, 2018

Bill rambles about the French Open, evil mergers, and how to treat wait staff.

The Leise presents Kokme with your My The Leise App From now on, it's for recipes that are delicious, easy and cheap For those of you who are interested in something else or like classics Oh yes, there was a spaghetti bolognese with delicious veal Download the My Theise App and Kokme Yes, great! The Leise, along with the Gleven

How's everybody doing? I'm a fucking old man 50 year old I remember when podcasting started back in 2005 I just want to throw that out there because I know there's going to be a bunch of fucking old podcast people going Actually, podcasting has been around in Japan since 1958 And I started my podcast like four years before yours And I don't understand why mine doesn't get as many hits as yours does

On WhoGivesItFuck.com I actually look at the numbers every week And I feel that my podcast, due to the content that I'm providing Compared to what he's doing, shut the fuck up I love people look at that fucking podcast numbers You notice everybody seems to be in the top ten Everybody, you know, it's like, I've talked about this before It's like back when I used to do college gigs

Every college I went to, somehow they figured out a way to fudge the numbers that they were number one in something You know, the number one fucking school for mathematics The number one school for engineering Doesn't that have mathematics in it? I don't know You get down to a community college and they'd be the number one commuter college You know, with fucking the best deal with triple A or some shit I don't know, somehow they were number one in something You gotta hand your hat on something if you're a college

To try and get people to go there If I was a dean, do they have deans that like community colleges? I would go on fucking TV and say Listen, why the fuck would you go four years when you can only pay two years? You know, you want to go to Harvard? Fine, all you have to go is your junior and senior year Go your freshman and sophomore year over us, over us We are number one in being fucking ten times less per year than Harvard

You got the grades, you know you're in Come on down, teach us dummies, my dumb students How to wear fucking loafers with no socks, whatever the fuck it is you smart people do Do your freshman and sophomore year here Translate, translate, fucking transfer over to Harvard And there you go, and you can graduate from Harvard Whatever their fucking school song is What is their school song?

My dad is rich and I did real bad in school But he has money so I'm fucking here Now that's the stereotype, that's not true I knew one kid in my high school, he got into Harvard And he did it with fucking grades and no social life He made the sacrifices, the rest of us didn't want to do it, you know Like that little fable there with the fucking ants saving all the food And the other animals like, hey man I'm just jumping around having a good fucking time

You know, you know who wrote that story? I bet somebody who couldn't fucking, who was really socially awkward at a party So he was looking at the fucking, was it a rabbit? Tortoise in the hair, that's not the story I don't know what it is, but you know people who aren't outgoing They get fucking annoyed by people who are outgoing Who are out there having a good time, talking some shit, hooking up Right, singing songs, being in the life of the party

They stand on the side on the fucking wall and they write scripts You know, so that's why now I don't know what the fuck happened Back in the day you used to have cool people in movies Now every cool person has this underlying insecurity that they're trying to overcompensate for That's all right or shit, I think You know what I mean? Some people just are the life of the party So anyways, now that I'm a senior citizen I banged out 54 push-ups on my birthday

Oh boy, and then immediately just fucking collapsed onto the carpet And was like out of breath like I ran 54 flights of stairs But I did it man, I did it, I don't know what it means It still means I'm 50, but it made me feel pretty good about myself I had a great birthday, I want to thank my lovely wife She surprised me with tickets to the French Open Roland Garros, bonjour tout le monde We fucking, we went there and I got to see what the fuck is his name there

He's only one left, he just won his 11th Raphael Nadal, that's right, I'm not the biggest fucking tennis guy And I knew that he had won this thing a couple times I didn't realize he'd already won the fucking French Open He'd already won it 10 times, and I saw him win his 11th And what's really interesting is that guy He won it 05, 06, 0708, and then Federer won it in 09 And he won it in 10, 11, 12, 13, and 14

So he won it 4 years in a row, missed a year, and then won it 5 years in a row And then 2 years, 15 and 16, he didn't win it So people probably all thought, alright, his run is over He's one of the greats of all time, but now that he's older, blah blah blah blah blah And he fucking comes back last year and this year to go back to back again I was talking to somebody last night, we were trying to say What do you compare that to in a different sport? You know, you can't really say it's like winning an NBA championship

Because there's only one of those where with tennis majors there's four So it's like they have four sort of Super Bowls So we kind of said, I guess you'd have to go to golf Compare it to golfers where, you know, there's four majors in that sport I don't fucking know I was kind of saying, well maybe it's like LeBron going to the NBA finals 8, 9 years in a row And it's like, well, no, because this guy actually won the thing I can't believe people give him LeBron shit after losing to them

People forget so quickly You know, how ridiculous it was that Kevin Durant went to the Warriors And then he wins a championship, people are like, what the fuck And then you just kind of say, oh, this is just how it is This is just how it is Like when they first put little fucking TVs in the back of caps And people are like, get these things the fuck out of there, they're making me car sick And they're like, alright, and then later on they just put them back in again

And nobody said, oh yeah, I guess this is just how, I guess this is just how it is Right? Alright, I don't know what the fuck I was going with that tennis golf majors shit But I mean, just the fact that this guy won 11 in a row And I basically got to see on my birthday the greatest, I guess you'd have to say the greatest player ever on clay I got to see him, I got to see the fucking Wayne Gretzky, the Bobby Orle tennis And he was playing this other kid and he broke him his first game of both sets And the kid had a bunch of unforced errors and, you know, you could see

The guy who lost it seemed like he was a kid and he just had to go there, experience it, lose Make a bunch of unforced errors for the next time when he comes back And in the end, right, this English dude comes out who won the French Open I don't know, the way he was talking was like late 50s, early 60s And he came out to say a bunch of great shit about Raphael Nadal And then when he talked about the other kid, he was just like going, you know, we would have liked to see more We would have liked to see more tennis and I'm sure he's a little disappointed in his game today As were the rest of us and everybody was just sitting there going like, dude, you didn't need to fucking say that

I couldn't tell if the guy was nervous and he just sort of talked himself into a corner And he meant to say he has nothing to be disappointed about I don't know, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but everybody was just kind of sitting there like Eh, I kind of put a fucking damper on things Maybe it's if I done it right, sorry Got the bootleg recorder here, which I have on my stomach too, so if you start hearing grumbling, I apologize Anyways, I was able to watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals when I was in London at about 2 in the morning I was able to watch, and I was able to watch, oh my god, the fucking Washington Capitals win the Stanley Cup

Through Josh Adam Myers, because I couldn't get it on my phone because I couldn't remember my password from fucking, you know, my cable company I could have just gone on to NBC Sports and just sat there and watched it, but my daughter and my wife were sleeping So I was laying in bed wide awake with the lights out, just hitting refresh on my phone, looking at the score And when there was a few minutes left, I text Josh Adam Myers and he goes, dude, he was gonna tell me just go on to NBC Sports And of course it didn't work out for me because I didn't know my password, and he goes, well call me up, I'll answer my computer, I'll FaceTime it or some shit So I said, alright, but here's the thing, I'm gonna be in the dark and I can't say anything because my daughter's sleeping in the same room and everything So he goes, alright, call me, so I snuck into the bathroom, lights still out, because the only way to turn on the lights in that fucking hotel room Was I had to have the bathroom door open, which would have woke my kid up

So I'm sitting in there like a dark, in the dark like a creep, the only thing that's lighting me up is off of my fucking phone It looked like a horror movie, and Josh was just laughing at me, and he's like, can you see it, can you see it, and I just put my pasty white hand up to the screen Giving the thumbs up, and I actually watched the final three minutes of the Stanley Cup And I have to tell you, this guy on the internet put it best, he said, talking about Alexander Ovechkin, he goes, I can't remember the last time I was this happy for a complete stranger That was, watching the capitals win was everything that you fucking watch sports for, it's everything that I love about sports And, you know, anybody that says, you know, Russian players don't give a shit about the Stanley Cup, all they need to do is just watch him Walking around with that thing in Vegas, and how cool is it, like, they actually, you know, it would have been great if they wanted it home obviously But like, if you're going to win it on the road, Las Vegas has to be the place you want to be, if you're going to go party, right?

And, I say it every year, the Stanley Cup is the greatest fucking championship trophy in all of sports, simply because there's only one And you grow up as a kid watching all your heroes hoisting that thing up, and the million to one odds, whatever the fuck it is, that you actually win it When you hoist that thing up, you're holding the same cup, you know, Maurice Richard, Gordy Howe, Bobby Orr, Wayne Gretzky, Mark Messier, Mario Lemieux All of these greats, the same fucking cup, Eisenman, all of those guys, and you hoist that fucking thing up Said they ain't no chara, right, sorry, I had to throw another bro in there It's the coolest fucking thing ever, you know, however, I would not drink out of it I can tell you that right now, because there's been enough guys who've, you know, over the years, former hockey players that have told stories about some of the shit that happens to the Stanley Cup He goes, yeah, one of them, I vaguely remember somebody saying, I would not drink out of that thing

This story is of strippers sitting in the top of the fucking thing and bending it or some shit like that I don't know, and then each player gets it for like a week It's so fucking crazy, so crazy, and then there's this guy, there's gotta be a fucking movie about that sometime The poor bastard who has to follow the cup around all year, somebody must have done a documentary on it I vaguely remember seeing some shit like that, where you gotta follow what, you know, go up to fucking a titty bar in Saskatoon Whatever the fuck the cup ends up for the week But anyways, congratulations to the Washington Capitals and their first Stanley Cup championship in, what is it, 44 years, 45 seasons And as I tweeted, another great thing is NHL has another great hockey city in Las Vegas

And after all those years of picking these cities that just, you know, there was the initial excitement and then it just kind of fizzled They kind of hit a home run in Nashville and Las Vegas, and I got a feeling that Seattle's gonna be huge just because those fans are maniacs, you know I'm sure they'll build a stadium to make them sound even louder Why do I always give them shit, you know what, because it's fun, because it's fun Oh, I heard Edelman got busted for something, PEDs or something like that, and now they're gonna, he's gonna appeal it And what I'm gonna love about that is now everybody's gonna be like, see, that's why they beat Atlanta and all this fucking shit And because they're the Patriots, that's how it works, you'll just look the other way when 30% of the Legion of Boom tested positive for fucking steroids Ah, that's alright, that's alright, that's Seattle, that's okay

I had PEDs sent to my house and my wife's name, did for my wife She was taking a Pop-Tart out of the toaster and she hurt her shoulder and she needed a fucking steroid to get back in shape again So she could make some fucking lemon meringue pie Anyways, if I had to guess, you know, we had that horrific injury and he's doing the endy pettit thing, he's fucking trying to get back And he took some fucking roids and he got caught, took something and got caught, is what I'm thinking But I do know, anytime anybody seems to appeal these things, I don't think that it ever goes back the other way But I'm glad that I'm not in the US to listen to ESPN and all these fucking guys now say, oh yeah, yeah, yeah They should take away all their titles

Because they got caught, they had a player get caught doing what a player got caught on every other fucking team has done So anyways, enough with the sports shit, I am in Paris, I am in Paris and I am bombing with my French I didn't brush up as enough as I wanted to and it's making me discouraged but I'm hanging in there I got my, I got my fucking, what do you call it, Rosetta Stone and that shit Oh dude, when you go to the fucking French Open, alright, and you have your ticket, you go in and you gotta have the fucking thing scanned And then after you get scanned, you get this little fucking, it's like a ticket the size of the thing they put in your fucking wiper When you pay for parking, alright, and then everywhere you go, you have to take that thing out and they have to scan it To know where the fuck you are at all times, you know, I went into the goddamn gift shop, bought a little fucking 2018 Roland Garros mug

And he goes, I need, you know, let me scan your ticket and that's just like, I wish I just said no, you're not scanning my fucking ticket I'm paying for that, so now what does that add, does that add to my whole fucking information online? He's into drums, he does this, he drinks too much whiskey and he can't lay off of a mug when he's in some touristy fucking place Now I'm gonna get all these fucking ads now, I'm gonna get all these ads in the side when I go to fucking porno sites and shit about mugs That'd be funny if they had, why don't they have a gift shop on online porn? Porno, why don't they have a gift shop? Actually they probably do So anyways, every fucking place you went, you had to keep taking it out, keep taking it out, put it away, whatever

So now finally I'm going, you know, I bought like a fucking still water and a crepe for my wife and I had to get the thing scanned You know, I'm in another country so I'm in my best behavior, normally I would be like, why the fuck do I have to scan this? But the only reason why I didn't say this is I didn't know how to say why the fuck do I have to get this thing scanned, you know, in French, on Francais, right? So now I go to walk in, it's five or three, French time, and the match starts at three o'clock, right? So we go to go in and guess what I can't find, because I had to take it out of my pocket fifty eight bucket times, I can't find the ticket I need to get into the goddamn match But I have that other thing and the ladies like, I'm started to get into the b-b-b-b, and I was fucking shit, and I'm just like, are you serious? And then she got mad at me, she's like, yes, yes, I had to go all the way the fuck back, wade through all of these goddamn people, then go to customer service Oh my god, the fucking Tourette's that was going off me as I walked all the way back past all of these fucking people

And I got to give it up to the French people, you know, you guys, you know, you don't smell as bad as everybody says, but I will say this, when you do, holy shit Dude, when we walked out of the stadium, there was this guy like fucking, he was probably, go six feet in front of me, and I said, Jesus Christ We actually made, he went left down the stairs, after one flight I went right, and I tried to get away from the guy And I said, and I had my shirt up over my nose, I saw how bad this guy smelled, I said to me, Jesus Christ, this guy smells like he fucking played How do you smell that bad sitting, watching people working out? Maybe because he was walking down the stairs fast, he was creating a breeze, and he was passing through his fucking French armpits, but holy shit did that guy stink Not as bad as a homeless guy, but like he smelled like he, you know, freshly homeless Good three, four days, you know, maybe a tornado hit his fucking house, and FEMA hadn't come over to help him yet, that's what this fucking guy smelled like

Sitting, you know, and tennis is a really snobby fucking rich person sport, especially down below, you know, up top it's a bunch of animals, that's where we were sitting And if you ever go, we got front row on the upper deck, get the second row, upper deck, because front row they have this glass thing That you look through, but on top of it they have this solid thing that all holds it together And I was like, in America this would have been clear plastic, so I had to look over and duck under it the whole fucking match, which was still fine So anyways, but down low is where all the fucking, you know, the coaches are, the super fucking rich people, and they go there and like fucking outfits And their big dumb hats, and all that shit, but all the animals were up top, you know, doing the wave and shit When Nadal had some problem going on with the servant, hand or his arm, I don't know what the fuck happened And, but anyways, it was an amazing fucking time, so I had to go all the way back and I got the ticket, then I came walking up and I, you know, after all that flipping out and all of that fucking bullshit

I still made it into time to see the match, as always, 99% of the time I flip out, later on there's a solution, whatever I thought was going to happen because of the inconvenience never fucking happens And I thought I was going to leave all of that behind in my 40s, but evidently it's going to continue I started strong, the day I turned 50, fucking, it just continued on So, I'm going to rent a fucking bicycle today, and I'm going to ride around Paris when my daughter goes to sleep And we've just been having the best time here, as always I'm going to take a well-deserved fucking little vacation here, and the hardest thing for me on vacation is not to just playing a bunch of shit every day You know, and then it just becomes a thrash It's funny, like we drove by the Notre Dame or some shit like that, and the guy driving us was going, you know, it's beautiful, you've got to go in there and blah, blah, and I'm just not into that shit

Those old churches and stuff, you walk in and I just look around and it's just like, yeah, you guys really decorated the shit out of this place, didn't you? No negative space in here, it's all just filled up with the most gaudy, you know, like the Migos dress, it's like the church version of that Where you just can't have enough fucking precious stones, or like how those, you know, that new thing where you get a Lamborghini, then you do the fucking shiny wrap that you put around it It wasn't enough that it was a Lamborghini, those old churches, it's not enough that you have 90-foot fucking ceilings Then you've got to have a bunch of sad, broken-hearted people painted up there in real gold and all of this crazy, hocus pocus shit up there I don't have any desire to do that, but if there's no line, I'll poke my head in and be like, wow, wow, this old church looks exactly like every other old church It's creepy, I feel like I'm going to catch tuberculosis because it's cold and damp in here, and the vibe in here is not the vibe where good things happen So, I'm going to leave now

Yeah, so I'm going to fucking ride my bike around today Like the big fucking Nancy boy that I maybe burned a few calories I brought my little exercise bands over here because I'm old, my shoulder feels fucking great But I got a problem with my fucking left foot, you know, it's just always something, it's always something I'm an old, I'm an old man People, I'm 50, how the fuck did that happen? You know, it's actually got to be, kind of be honest, it's kind of a cool age to turn in a lot of ways You know, God knows I had a bunch of friends that didn't make it this far, so how the fuck can I sit here and bitch?

And I like a nice round number You know, 30 sucked, 40 was like, whoa, 50's been cool But I'll tell you, 60's gonna crush me You know, it's great about 50, you can lie to yourself through your 40's I'm a young 40 something and blah blah, 50, it's like, nah dude, you're fucking old So I am old, and I'm going to embrace it Maybe I'll start dressing a little more dapper on stage Get myself a little pocket square, hang it out of my button down

Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat Download the Maiden Lijzen app and cook me Yeah, top The Lijzen, along with the Gleven I do most of those Two out of three in a bit Here's some good news, Dollar Shave Club has a lot of stuff to help you out Dollar Shave Club, yes, that's Dollar Shave Club

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To get you ready for the warmer weather Talk about individual styles and events you have coming up that you want to look good in shades for Oh, the next sporting event that I'm going to is the 24 Hours Le Mans And when I inevitably lose my ticket I would like to have some lavender mist, a nice movement watch, a pair of aviators And a one-wipe charry, and then maybe I'll be able to keep my cool over there We just go, talk about individual shades, blah blah blah We just go to our go-to shades for, who's we?

Why are they always doing this? If you want this shit that they're selling Just for their go-to shades that the guys at MVMT don't just make great watches Hello, Nini Hello Thank you for an awesome birthday Yay Thank you for, uh... Happy day after your birthday to you

Happy day after your birthday to you Happy day after your birthday dear BB Happy day after your birthday to you Yay You like that? You like I just picked the one thing like I was in, was it Rum DMC? Mm-hmm Isn't that how they used to do it? Sure

I'd finish your sentence Yeah Right You want to come up with a rap right now? Mm-hmm I wanna... You supposed to say bag it Bag it

Okay That's it That's the end of the rap Okay, that's it Um... You didn't fill my flow there I wanna... That's me rapping

You stink No, Jay-Z's scared right now We just go to our... Just go to our shades for it all The guys at MVMT, Paynea, the guys at MVMT, they just don't make great watches If you thought that was the only good thing they did, they also make awesome sunglasses Or lunettes Sunglasses

Sole... Sole? Ole? Sole? And just reached a ton of new styles Our friends at MVMT, yeah to watch guys They kind of felt the same way So, they thought, screw it Ooh, they were feeling sassy that day I'm sure they didn't say fuck it

How about we make quality trendy sunglasses at a fair price? Why is screw it in quotes? I think that's because they said fuck it These things aren't plastic They acetate? Acetate Acetate Oh, they're acetate

I thought it was mine You can get them polarized and they start at just $70 Acetate Acetate Acetate These are seriously... That's when you go to look it up to see how you say it These are seriously my go-to shades

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You're sure to find the perfect pair Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns By going to movement.com slash burr That's MVMT.com slash burr Join the movement Nia, did you have fun at the tennis match yesterday? I did I know it was really hot

How bad did that guy smell when we left? Stinko Hey there, stinko You call me stinko No, I'm back That was so much fun That was one smelly motherfucker Remember we shot down the other stairs

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Like 500? Stupid The magic number is 200 There's 200 people, you'll sell 200 If there's 200,000, you'll sell 200 I can't understand it By the way, people who like the posters that I have It's only available at my shows

Because I've tried to sell stuff online And then I have to sit there and deal with I'm not from Swahulu I'm from Swahili I didn't get my fucking poster Half the time, people give you the wrong goddamn address What am I Amazon over here? You're not from Swahili?

That's a language Just FYI I'm only pointing that out That's a language, that was great You just shut me down I'm just pointing out because my name is Swahili Okay, evidently this whole podcast is about you now Is it?

Can you make a Swahili dish? It's not a Swahili dish, that's the language Well, I can make a French dish Okay That's a language, French It's also a dressing I can mail any language It's also a kiss

It's also a type of fry What do you got? Anything else? It's also... What was that old school sex thing? A French tickler? Oh, it's also a tickler It's also a cuff on your shirt

This is good because I just finished watching Kanye West on Family Feud So I feel like I'm answering Family Feud right now He's promoting his new album? No, it's for Chad Saying that he loves Donald Trump? I know, right? That was controversial What, are you got a new album or something?

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plus postage and a digital scale Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone on the top of the homepage and type in bur that's stamps.com Enter bur All right, Nini You know what? I love being here in Paris, Neil Whenever I see your beauty in Paris

I always think When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's Italian Why would I be singing that here? What's a good French song? You have a classically beautiful face I've always told you it's your cheekbones

That's where the light hits When you go to look to the left, it's the right in the right lit restaurant I'm just like, there it is We had a great time last night That's how I ended the freedom of my single life That's right We had an awesome time last night

Last night was so fun We ended up meeting up with friends We went to a friend at the Roland Garros Oh, that was so fucking random So random There's about a hundred gift shops at the Roland Garros We just happened to run into her

But we went into the bad one The one that everybody goes into It was all picked over It was all picked over Yeah, you want to go to the boutique, boutique once Yeah There's an Adidas store I saw that on the way out

But I was trying to beat the crowd How funny was that? We got to get away from the crowd So we can get a fucking Uber And I went right when everybody else went left Just to get a few blocks over To give somebody a chance And all the streets are blocked off

And we ended up going from Roland Garros And just walked past I thought it was a parking garage It's to another stadium It was another stadium It was a soccer match going on Yeah, it was like, oh fuck And the next door was another soccer stadium

Like what the fuck This is like stadium row over here And of course we called the Uber And the guy couldn't come down the street And it just was whatever it was But we figured it out Yes, we did And we went out to dinner

And had a lovely dinner And then we ended up meeting up with the friends That we ran into at Roland Garros Plus another friend of yours Plus some friends of mine Yeah, we all met up in a... Yeah, it was four couples And we just ended up having this table

At this cafe late night We shut it down And you guys sang me happy birthday Yes, we got some champagne With some sparklers That was awesome It was so much fun By the way

Do you know it's one of the only times Anybody's ever sung happy birthday to me And I haven't been embarrassed Really? It's happened three times in my life Alright, there At Royal Albert Hall So it was twice the same birthday

And then last year When I was on stage In Montreal They all sang happy birthday It was one of the coolest things That ever happened to me The crowd all sang it And the fact that they sang it to a Bruin fan

That we could set aside our differences For just one night To celebrate one bald hack Yeah In that moment You know Which gives me hope That when Donald Trump

Goes to talk to old Fatty fucking Fat face over there Can you imagine like Being that fat when all your people are starving Now, granted I know his people are starving Because of our frigging embargo

They try to make it seem like he's... But he's like a dictator So of course he's going to be like all fat And eating lobster and duck And drinking the best wine every night We're talking about Kim Jong Right? Keep going

You got to have the right name They're all Kim Jong Kim Jong-un Kim Jong-un And his dad was Kim Jong-il I was going to say that Imagine his wife calling for dinner Il

Uh Yeah Hey Kim Jong-hye Listen, I'm trying to tell you something That picture that I posted of you On my Instagram For your birthday

It got over 5,000 likes You're really into that, aren't you? Yeah Likes and retweets Yes, I do I am I'm into all of that I'm an influencer

So obviously I'm into it You want to tell the story? You want to tell the story Why you mock that whole influencer thing? What is my story? You don't remember? No When we first heard the term influencer

You were going to do something And then you couldn't Because they wanted influencers Oh, yeah I was asked to be a part of it Don't name any names I won't I was asked to be a part

Of a storyteller show Um And What was it saying? Yes And the theme was like Cultural diversity And families and stuff

So it was like oh Sure Right up the old alley there Yeah, yeah We have an interracial relationship We have a biracial child It's kind of Yeah, I can come up with something for that

And then The person who asked me Said that They had to Disinvite me Because they wanted more influencers So No, the network

Wanted more influencers The network wanted more influencers And you know So they got They replaced me With someone who had Apparently more Quote unquote

Influence And apparently That just means more friends And whatever the fuck it is People on social media Yeah, exactly Um And I didn't even really

Dig into who this person was But apparently they were terrible And the whole show was like Kind of awkward And not that great So it's fine But I was so offended That I wasn't seen as an influencer

When I have like You know A healthy following On Twitter And Instagram That I just decided that I was going to be an influencer

I'm one of the greatest influencers ever I am an influencer Like that's That's the bottom line Like I feel like At this point I don't even need to keep telling people anymore It's just who you are

Yeah, it's just who I am It's just coming out of your pores Yeah, like naturally People want to be like me So Just kidding You know, it's weird For some reason

I don't know I'm looking at you For some reason I want braids right now Well, that's the thing Like if I have it You want it And that's what an influencer does

Yeah, and what is Is you don't even tell me To get it You just had it And I was like I want that Yeah Could you see how good it looks on me

And so you're like Wow, can I look like that There's only a way to find out It's just to get it And then you're like Oh, I don't But I tried And it's like

That's really what it's about That's what an influencer does Yeah, exactly You just exist in this Like your own zeitgeist Like you are your own movement You are your own moment Is this something

Could you teach this To somebody else? Oh, God, no No, no, no You either have it or you don't So If you want to become an influencer I'm not really quite sure

What to tell you Because It's like you already have to Is it a calling? Is it a gift? How would you describe like Yeah, it's just It's a state of being

You know what I mean It's like you're just always Influencing all the time So I can't teach it I can't explain it Does that get taxing Or tiring at all? You know

It really doesn't You know Because it's like breathing There you go, people There's some inside tips On how to be a fucking influencer Yep I can't believe that

People walked away from You know You just influenced me To try to read up more On influencers All right Hey, people Send me some Paris tips here

Okay By the way Did you read that thing About the wine country? The email that I forwarded you One of our listeners wrote in Maybe When did you send that?

No, evidently I'm not an influencer All right Just an email from your husband That says wine country Yeah You know You'd think that one

Would at least open I know you don't open The ones that I send you That have the subject Are you mad at me? All right Paris tips Let's go right into the junk box

Right in the fucking Tragic over there Hey Thank you for the best birthday That was the best birthday I've ever had It was I've had two back to back

Last year Was the selfish one Where I was in Montreal And I went to an F1 race I don't even know who won that Did Lewis Hamilton win it again? I gotta look that up I'm a little behind here

But this year was the best All right You notice about the song Happy Birthday It's really long And it almost sounds like People are making fun of you Happy birthday

It sounds like you're a douchebag Yes, you are And then in the end It's always speech, speech So I actually I thought of what I said At Royal Albert Hall Was really nice

And I was like I did it I threw it Knocked it out Thanked everybody And I'm done And then as I'm walking away People are going

Speech, speech And then I go I just gave one I said just fucking gave one I still didn't get angry Leave me alone God All right

Paris Tips Hey Bill I am a fan from Paris I heard you were visiting Our lovely city Soon This is my French accent Make sure you stop by

Le Comptoir Saint-Germain Metro-Odeon As we get off For a nice meal Okay Then take your lovely lady To the Café Laurel

In Rue Dauphine For a late drink And some jazzy entertainment That sounds good They have a nice garden Where you can smoke a cigar And sip on some scotch Slash wine

Also don't learn French It's useless Better learn Chinese instead Enjoy your stay And go fuck yourself Let's go do that All right Thank you

Thank you for that tip Now I want to try it Was that guy an influencer? No He's more an informer And a suggestor Can we please label everybody

That fucking He's a suggestor That's a suggestor That'd be funny if that was an A suggestor No I am not I'm not a suggestor I'm a presenter

I was presenting information That you can do You know I mean it was a suggestion It's really what it was This is not bad To suggest things But you're a suggestor

Even in this age of me too Hey a suggestor Come over here and You're on it It was just a suggestion That's my sausage My sausage Crazy lawsuit

Crazy lawsuit All right Hey there Billy Birthday Cake Wondering if your friends In the comic community Pass this on to you Oh please don't miss this

Be a performer getting sued I know Oh this is a long one You know what I'm gonna go take a shower Take a shower How do you say take a shower It's something douche

Yeah it's something douche All right Wondering if your friends In the comic community Au revoir Au revoir influencer Wondering if your friends In the comic community

Pass this on to you Backstory This guy Oh my god You touch my hair And then you hit it This guy Maddox Like the TV show

Who started a page in the 90s Called The best page in the universe He became famous For calling out Christopher Reeves For not caring about paraplegics Till he became one himself Well I mean Jesus Christ

Out of all the things To call people out on Basically lambasted Him for being a selfish piece Of shit Jesus Christ I don't understand He never sold me on

The aggressive manner Of hating Reeves The only way he Does this without Looking like an assholes Is if he was also In a wheelchair You know

And lived at the top Of a flight of stairs Of some shit And no one Never made a ramp for Then I could see him Being mad at Christopher Reeves But even then

It would still be misdirected It still should be Aimed at people like myself That didn't go over there And help build him a fucking ramp Anyways But I appreciated A different point of view

On topics No one questioned And so I Had Okay But I appreciated A different point of view On topics

No one questioned And so I had some respect For this He also had a post Called something like I can draw better Than your kids And then posted

Pictures Kids made And trashed them Alright I like this guy now Cause this guy's just Being a cunt He's just

Maybe he's the original Troller I like it That was like 15 years ago I hadn't heard of him Since college Until I read about this lawsuit

Apparently This same guy Who made a career Trolling the people On a personal level Across the internet Became offended By a comic

Who decided to Troll him Oh no No He had no sense Of humor About himself Or is this more trolling

Of the internet He sued the comic For 20 million dollars Which is basically A way to bankrupt The comic For whatever little He had

The judge essentially Threw out the case On the advent Of your 50th birthday I just want to Thank you For not turning into A huge hypocrite

Like Maddox Oh dude I'm one of the most Hypocritical people You're ever gonna meet Doing yoga Meditating And then flipping out

Cause I lost my ticket Saying this whole system Is fucking stupid Dude dude dude Really build this system That makes sure that When you get to your seat Some other fucking assholes

Not sitting in it You fucked up Take your medicine And I didn't act Like a big fucking baby Even if he thought He was being wrong He should have taken it

Like a man Realized that he had A comic after years Doing the same Thing to others You don't feel like This is the final act Of his performance

And now he's gotten You up on arms You're a fewer years older Than me And I've definitely taken A page out of your book In terms of allowing Myself to stay true

To who I am But also allowing myself To grow into a more Well-rounded person I'm an ONA fan Oh hey From back in the day And it's my favorite content

Ever But when I see comments Online that sound Like they came from The crowd at the virus Tour I just feel bad For these miserable cunts

Thanks for everything And happy birthday Alright that went A little left there But I know what you mean About the Fans with everything By the way

Not just fans Of the Obi-Wan Anthony show This I mean Go on YouTube There's always gonna be The initial thing That you like And then you

Look at the comments And I forget What comic did that Bit But it was just like You know You scroll down Like three or four

Comments before it spins Into like Somebody dropping The n-word or some You know Thanks a lot Obama Like somehow

That'll be watching Like slap fights At least that's the shit That I watch Which I do not understand Those For the life of me First of all

The fact that If they hit your ear What that's gonna do To your hearing You know Do you know That was a thing that like I gotta look this up

Moms used to do that That was like A disciplinarian thing Back in the day You Box Mothers Box

Boxing Their children's This is too specific I don't think I'll get anything Ears They would just You know It was like

Kill a con How he used to do that That scream Boom And just hit you Boxing the ears Okay Boxing the ears

The other Victorians Anthony Joshua says There's nothing wrong With parents giving Which one should I click on here World champion boxer Anthony just said There's nothing wrong

Their children A clip around the ear Boxing child's ears Can cause deafness Yes it can Let's look this one up here Unable to open this Because of legal reasons

The fuck does that mean Alright boxing ears Let's see if this one Will open up Come on, come on, come on There we go Alright A phrase that confused me

While reading Alice's Adventures in Wonderland Was the rabbit's explanation Of why the queen Ordered the duchess to be Executed in chapter 8 What the fuck I've never seen Alice in Wonderland

There's a queen in a duchess And all that shit People getting executed You know why I think There's so much death And old fairy tales The original ones Because so many people

Just fucking died back then anyway So it really was a part of life The rabbit I mean It's still a part of life But it's way down the fucking road But everybody had like A brother who died

Of like a fucking appendix Ruptured appendix Or some shit Got some sort of flu Alright the rabbit Explains to Alice She boxed the queen's ears The actions of boxing

Ears Is something I had never heard of So I decided to look Into the meaning of the term I found that boxing of ears Is a hard simultaneous slap Of both ears

Yeah The violent act Was a popular form Of child punishment During the Victorian era Oh my god In an 1878 issue Of the London reader

Of literature, science, art And general information The punishment of boxing Ears is debated The article warms This is 1878 People like dude What the fuck are we doing here

For not only Is deafness caused by boxes Which ruptures As they continually do The drum of the ear But the inflammation Of the internal cavity Which is so frequent

A result May be followed by disease Of the bone giving rise To absence To abscess of the brain And having a fatal termination I like how they took Pick the euphemism there

Around the saying Your kid's gonna fucking die The article explains That school boys are suffering From the Chastisement by school masters And fears As noted above

That the effects of the slaps May be long term I swear To fucking god If I ever had a teacher That boxed my ears Oh my god I mean how angry were

Children back then Oh my god I literally have to walk away From this article Ah man I wish there was You know some fucking kid Back then just fucking snapped

Was just big enough You know He just beat the shit Out of his teacher And boxed his ears Like nine times Made him a deaf fucking bastard Yeah so

Whenever I watch those slap fights It's just like You're gonna make somebody deaf Do they put something in their ear Forget about just taking a concussion For no goddamn reason I mean When those slap fight competitions

Like what is the fucking prize money Anyways continuing on Bayer and Monsanto Oh Jesus Didn't I gotta see what time I've done here 53 minutes alright Didn't Monsanto change their name

Like Jefferson Airplane Or some shit Bayer and Monsanto Hey there You over the counter cunt So Bayer and Monsanto are merging And reminded me of the time You mentioned an article where

Bayer admitted to knowing And allowing the distribution Of some AIDS infected shit Found the article Well this sounds official First of all it came from me And then you just write The article

The subject of the article Is AIDS infected shit Well let's check out the link It is from cbsnews.com So alright Bayer admits it paid Millions in HIV Infection cases

Just not in English Oh my god Dude I swear to god At what point How much money do you have To pay politicians Where they feel like They have enough money

And they don't need the corporate Dollar And that they can actually Start to dismantle Restructure These corporations These corporations Are gonna kill us

Not ISIS Not fucking The Russians None of this fucking shit Alright When I say kill us I mean No human beings left

Are gonna be the result Because of corporations Alright How they view people How they view the environment How they view money And their whole idea Of what is worth

I mean I've just never heard A corporation ever being like You know what The cost to innocent people Or the environment Is too high for us to do that Maybe they do

It would be refreshing If you have an article Like that That wasn't actually Written by someone From that corporation That's lying Alright

If you read the English-speaking media You'd never know That bear Just paid tens of millions Of dollars to end A three decade long scandal In which the company sold

HIV-contaminated blood products To hemophiliacs Thousands of whom Later died of AIDS They just killed Thousands of fucking people Or admitted to it But that doesn't mean

They actually said That they did it You know That fucking legal thing Ironically bears knew Hemophilia Hemophilia iPhone app Got some coverage

Ads did bears Hemophilia research grant I don't know They covered their tracks To the University of Florida Go Gators But you have to pick through The French and Italian news

Media to find out That bear is finally Writing checks to people Who got AIDS Or got HIV That turned into AIDS In the 1980s The cutter biological

Unit of bear Ignored federal law To recruit Prisoners Intervenous drug users And high-risk gay men As donors Oh, they ignored that

Of the blood Cutter then used To make factor eight and nine The clotting product That hemophiliacs need to order Need in order to not Bleed to death Oh, so they pulled

A bella check Where they were like Alright, you guys Are all filming the team On the sidelines You can no longer do that And they just ignored it Alright, the German group

Bear and three other labs Will pay tens of millions Of euros to hemophiliacs Who accused them Of having sold in the 1980s Blood products contaminated With HIV A source close to deal told them

So was it that they knew That it had HIV in it Or did they just went To high-risk people To get blood The figure of tens of millions Of euros in compensation Is not totally wrong

She added bear And the U.S. company Baxter Are the two main parties To the agreement she said A company's spokesperson said However, the company accepts No responsibility in this case And continues to insist

And it always acted responsibly And ethically That's how they get out of it It's like, alright We'll admit that we did that shit If you say it wasn't our fault And that we always behaved above board You know what that's like

That's like when they send somebody to jail An innocent person to jail And then they're like, alright We're gonna let you out But the only way we can let you out Is if you sign this paper Saying you won't sue us Because we fucked up

Anyways, found the article I just read some of it They're still in business though Bear's still in business Can't bring down bear That's our medicine But maybe our food supply Nope, then you got

I don't know what this guy's talking about now Then you got Monsanto Who can't be sued Because Obama signed that law Saying that you can't sue Monsanto Now they're a super team Corporations are like NBA teams, huh? You got room in the chopper for me, Bill

This guy was all over the place Alright, and why did Obama sue that? Sign that, sue that Why did he sign that, Bill, everybody? Is it because he's a liberal tarred snowflake Or whatever people wear Is a blue tie? Or is it because he's grossly underpaid

For his fucking job? And I bet those guys funded his fucking campaign So then he had to do them a solid It's all the same shit They all make 500 grand a year And then come out of an office Worth hundreds of millions Whatever, fucking 70, 80 million bucks

How does that happen, everybody? Although recently I saw Bill Clinton When that fucking piece of shit Brought up the me too thing You know, with Monica Lewinsky I love how they tried to make that a me too thing You know what I mean? It's like, she was in her 20s

She was a college graduate She never learned that she It's what I was saying on stage She never learned that you shouldn't blow A married guy in his house With his wife and kid down the fucking hall She didn't know that Now she's coming back

Being, oh, everything's influenced by his power And everything's gonna whoopie, whoopie, whoopie We get the fuck out of here You were a driven young adult Who somehow in your 20s Got a job in the fucking White House Okay, you weren't some dope He founded a bus station

Hi, Nia Hi Let's talk about that Monica Lewinsky thing She's trying to turn it around That he used his power and influence It's like you were a college graduate Working in the White House Right?

Yeah, I don't know I thought we had dealt with all of that already I know, and he got punished for it But in that thing, he said Clinton was like, I left the White House I was 16 million dollars in debt You know what I mean? That's true

I think he's the only fucking president Who ever did that Oh, geez She's getting ready for nap time All right Big band drumming Dear Bill I'm 17 years old

And I play drums every day That's awesome It's my life And I'm in every band Jazz concert and marching Good man And I play percussion for the chorus And for the school plays

Kenny Aronoff is my hero Well, I was going to say That sounds like his autobiography How he started out Thank you for that dream interview I have it on a playlist with music That's how much I listen to it Oh, that's good

I'm glad you liked it You know, Nia, not for nothing People say I actually do a good interview Oh, okay Yeah, from Kenny Aronoff To Danika Patrick To my lovely wife You know?

You're killing it I set you guys up Maybe I'll knock them down No, no I'll let you guys, you know I lob it over the plate I learned that by going on Conan That's what he does

Hey, man, Andrew They just lob it over to you All right Andy Richter My dad was telling me about The ska movement in the 90s I just watched swingers And discovered this band

Squirrel Nuts Zippers Squirrel Nuts Zippers Oh, my God Wow It takes you back to your college, Jason It really takes me back to my early 30s No, I was in my late 20s It's really different than anything I've heard

I discovered that I don't like all ska But I like these guys Because it's more big band than ska I really think you enjoy the drumming It's really a cool mix between big band drumming, punk And almost some primus type drumming stuff Because of the tom work Did you ever get into any of that?

I remember that big bad voodoo daddy And that type of stuff I liked it a little bit But I was a little too old at that point That was actually kids music to me This is what our lovely daughter does Before afternoon nap She screams bloody murder

And then falls asleep No, then talks to herself When she comes down and then falls asleep Anyways, I doubt this will get read Because it's too nerdy But maybe, just maybe Thanks for the laughs Oh, Billy Rimshot

No, I like all that stuff I mean, I liked when Robert Plant Jesus I liked when Robert Plant did that The Honey Drippers thing with Paul Schaefer I've always liked big bands And that type of stuff And I really like the way

All of that music Is the squirrel nut zippers and all that I just like the way it was produced It sounded really live And also, you know When you get that many people in a band And they can all play It always sounds great

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy was also in Swingers Oh, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy was also in Swingers? Okay, I did not know that There's a band at the end Where Mike John Favreau goes Oh, yeah And he's dancing with Heather Graham Oh, yeah

They were great They are great, I should say What did they figure out how to play? All right Being rude to wait staff All right Don't even Hey there, Billy Bath salts

You're recently talking about Nia Being slightly rude to wait staff Oh, come on And it made me The word got cut off Something, a podcast I heard years back About raising kids Essentially a group of economists

Gave their opinions on what you can And can't change in children Supported with studies and evidence One person suggests with evidence That there are only a small number of habits That kids pick up from their parents Those habits are drinking alcohol Smoking and how we treat others

Wait staff, family, etc Those are kind of big things As a former bartender Who's dealt with incredibly rude patrons I would love to hear you and Nia debate If she is actually being rude or not If she feels she's not being rude Would she be okay

If she saw her daughter treating a family member The way she treats wait staff Absolutely she would Love Nia Can't wait to hear her thoughts Here's a link to a podcast As a new dad I think you'll dig it

Have a great summer And I hope you get sunburned You some among bitch Nia, do you feel as an influencer Why can't you just influence them To make better service? I am not rude I just, if something goes wrong

I just let them know And I'm direct about it I'm not like, I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I asked for a section such I don't do that Because what am I apologizing for

I'm like, no, I ordered this Can you change it? Thank you That's it What do I have to, it's like You want me to fucking blow the waiter Because he did something wrong Like he's not blowing me

No, I'm just saying You could throw a little sugar on it In the end I feel like I'm very sugary I'm not like, this is terrible Take it back right now Like, no, it's not like that You did one time

It was cold And you said Can you have them go back And heat this up And they say, oh my god I'm so sorry And you're like, yeah Because it's like, yeah

As they went to take it away And I was just like Jesus, you remember Everybody was at the table Like, god damn Nia No, everybody Who was everybody at the table Was like, god damn Nia

What a bitch Your family No That didn't happen Nope Nia I don't remember it I don't remember it

So maybe it didn't happen Like, what am I supposed to do? That didn't happen I don't remember it Maybe it did happen That was hilarious What the fuck was that? That didn't happen

I don't remember that Yeah Maybe it did happen I don't recall ever being Behaving in such a manner That it would be like so People would be so freaked out You're adorable

Even when you lie Yeah, I go the other way I'm too nice And we'll eat fucking Whatever the fuck they send me You know, and they send me the wrong thing I still eat it Because I don't want

Because I don't want them to throw it out Who says they're going to throw it out? They might put it to the side And maybe somebody's lunch In the kitchen later on No Nia You're telling me if somebody brought

A plate of food out into public And they said that's not what I wanted And brought it back You'd be like, I fucking eat it Somebody might Well, how do you know They haven't put their fucking mouth on it And was like, oh, this isn't ravioli

This is french toast I thought it looked weird And then you go over there And you get the old breakfast herpes Alright, that's the podcast I got to find out why my lovely little Boo Bears are crying downstairs Oh, she's falling asleep

Oh, she's falling asleep Oh, is she in the bedroom? Yeah Okay, alright Well, I got to get off my day here Au revoir tout le monde Je m'appelle Guillaume