Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-12-17

Episode Date: June 13, 2017

Bill rambles about cab drivers, Canadian GP and salmon.

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Proximus. Think possible. For Monday, June 12, 2017, what's going on? How are you? And I know what you're thinking. Yeah, you're probably saying, what do you mean? It's time for the Monday morning podcast. Bill, it's so late.

What the fuck? It's late this week. What are you? You're never late. You've never had your show up and your wife's like, where were you? We were waiting. Well, it's all cold now. You know, you want to look at her the way Vince McMahon looked at that guy in the sports show and go, oh, fucking slap a piece of paper out of her hand.

But you can't because all your relatives are there watching. So then he got to sit there and make excuses. Oh, the street light down the street was busted. So it was just blinking red or blinking, you know, yellow. So it was real slow and there was water coming out of the sewers. And some guy, I mean, I could believe it's some guy in a hand glider squared hand to God, hand to God. He got blown off course and he landed on right right on the side of the supermarket.

Yeah. Hit the side of it. He went down and the boy, why can't you just admit you were late because you don't care about me? It's not that I don't care about you. It's just, I just don't give a shit about this. And I thought maybe if I showed up a little later, then it'd be less minutes. I'd have to spend it this.

Are you saying you don't like my relatives? Yes. No, I'm kidding. I didn't want to say it. God forbid any of my relatives listen to this. I like all my relatives. I got lucky. I came from, I came from a cool family and I married into a cool family.

You know what I mean? So there you go. Now am I just covering my bases? Nobody knows. Why can't I get the fucking internet here? I don't, you know why? Cause I spend nine million. I'm like this.

Do you know, I still have cable. I have a dish, whatever. And I get all the packages and I know at this point you have these cord cutters. They just cut the cord and they, they're saying, fuck network TV, fuck 60 minutes, fuck all of that shit. Um, I guess it's all just going to end up on the computer and just every TV show is going to have an app or every network is going to have an app and within the app will be all the shows.

I'm sure that already exists. Cause I know this HBO hot take or online or streaming now, whatever the fuck it's called summer slam, showtime, summer slam, whatever the fuck they're calling it. So I'm old school. And the reason why I'm old school, it's not cause I'm down to earth, man. It's because I do not want to waste one second of my fucking life trying to figure out how the new shit works. All right.

That's the reason I've always bought cars and I drive them for a decade. I just keep changing the fucking oil. That's what I do. The only reason why I went from the Prius to the Jag is just because my daughter was coming and I was just like, I better buy a cool car before she gets here or I'm going to be fucked. And I never bought myself a cool car because I don't know, I've always been a frugal son of a bitch.

You know, I didn't want that stupid fuck. You know, when I was driving down the street with your whole fucking cool ass car and everybody turning around looking at you, I like blending in the background. You know, leave me alone. Dive bar. Dive bar. Not VIP. Not down there at the fucking sushi restaurant where all the fucking cunts hang out with the

cameras. You know, whatever that fucking show is. So anyways, you know, I had, I had like a really bad cab driver back from LAX. I take cabs because I'm not downloaded that fucking app onto my phone. And then you track me and see where the fuck I am, those Uber cunts. All right. Fuck them. So yeah, I just take the taxi.

So I get in the cab and we're driving. He goes, how do you want to go? I go, let's take the fucking highways, right? It's the middle of the day here. So, you know, I always peek out the window as we come into the land to see what the old floral fizzy looks like. And so whatever we get on the goddamn thing. I noticed the guy's not in the HOV lane.

I'm like, buddy, there's two of us here. We are the world. We're saving. We're thinking locally and acting globally. Right. This is a green piece here. We have two people in a car. We got to use the diamond lane and he's like, oh, no, I don't have the fucking.

He didn't have the easy pass thing, whatever it is. And I'm like, how can we don't have that? And he goes, well, it costs money in his accent. It costs money. Yeah, well, this is your fucking job is driving people around you asshole. If you had that thing, you could get people to and from where they're going. And you could, you could pick up more people. Right.

You could make more money. So I'm in the back, you know, big Hollywood phony getting all grumpy. Oh, look at, look at, look at Bill. Oh, look at him. He's getting a taxi cab. He didn't forget where he came from two seconds later. I'm fucking bitching out this fucking poor old bastard in my own passive aggressive way. Just mumbling the backseat.

I don't fucking, I don't have the fucking thing. This is what the fuck. I mean, this is on me. Should I, you should have said that as you pulled up or whatever. Right. So then he just had no instincts. You know, we go to get off our exit. You know, onto another fucking highway.

So there's the long line that all the shitheads weighed in. And then there's the Ray, Ray Liotta line. Right. Fuck you. Pay me going in through the kitchen. People worked nine to five. That was for schnooks. Right.

We didn't ask anything we wanted. We just, we just took it. And then when it was all said and done, you bust a joint out. Right. You take that fucking, you go around everybody like you're still going straight in the last second, you put on your right hand directional, you get in, somebody beeps at you. Who gives a shit? And there you are.

All right. Those are basic skills that a cab driver should have. And he gets into the fucking soccer mom line. And I'm just like, this guy is the worst. And I was just like, you know what? He's an old man. He drives a cab bill. Okay.

Who gives a fuck? So then I just said, you know what? Who gives a fuck? So then he goes, which way do you want me to go? And I go, does it even matter at this point? It's like, you're going to sit in the longest. I didn't say this part. You're going to sit in the longest line.

You don't have the fucking HOV thing. I mean, you want to just pull over and get some lunch? I mean, I don't want to fuck with going here. So anyways, we get up to that, my house. He goes, how are you paying? I say credit cards. So he takes my credit card and he does the whole thing, reaching through the little fucking divider window there.

And then he hits no tip. And I go, dude, why'd you hit no tip? He goes, he goes, no, I don't have that thing. He goes, I deserve to be punished. That's what he said. And I said, Jesus Christ, I'm not taking it to that level. I was upset a half an hour. I'm going to fucking tip you.

He goes, no, I don't deserve a blah, blah, blah. And I go, don't, don't fight. That just made me sad. Don't ever say that. So I give him 20 bucks cash and he's all fucking being like, oh, I'll get you changed. I don't want to change. You win. Is this how you do it?

Maybe that's his scam. He doesn't have the thing. And then in the end, he fucking just puts his head down and goes, oh, I don't deserve a tip. And then a fucking soft, he goes, no, yes, you do. And then he gets $20 tip, even though he's stuck at what he was doing. And he still doesn't have to pay for the thing. I think, you know what?

I think I got, I think I got a scammed. I think I fell for it. I think I bought, I bought a, you know, a VCR and they open it up and it's just a brick in the box. Remember that one? That was the old scam back in the 80s. Hey kid, you want a VCR? 50 bucks.

You fucking hand it to you and you've run away with the box. You open it up. There was a brick in there. Brilliant, brilliant fucking scam, you know, because even if they asked to open up the box, you know what's in there. What they got to do is if they go to open it, you just grab the brick before they do and you smash them over the head, then you take everything in his wallet. Sort of fail safe, you know, unless the guy's bigger than you.

Then as he goes to open, he just go cops, cops, cops. And you grab the box and you get the fuck out of the, I don't know what I'm talking about. So anyways, I had a great weekend. I went up to the, I went up to Montreal, Montreal. With Sir Paul Verzi on Andrew Thamelis. And we did the Olympic theater on my birthday, Saturday night. And he probably wanted to, hey Bill, why would you do stand up on your birthday?

It's because I wanted to go to the formula one, formula one race on June 11th. And when I booked it, I wasn't thinking June 10th is my birthday. I just saw June 11th and that's not an important day to me. You know, it's how dumb I am. It didn't dawn on me that my birthday was the fucking day before. So anyways, I go up there and I go out when Andrew brought me up. He goes, uh, keep it going for the birthday boy. And he brought me out and the crowd sang me happy birthday.

It was awesome. Had a fun show. I get off stage and I walk down to the green room and, um, some people from Jess Falas were there and they got me this, this unbelievable cured meat from someplace with bread and they had all like the, uh, what's that kids movie? Um, you know, with the cars talk. What is that? Is it called cars?

I don't know. I don't, you know, I just, I'm new to the kid game, whatever. So they had those all up there like I was a five year old. And then my lady had sent me up a bottle of Johnny Walker blue, which is funny because I was trying to be Billy no fun. And I was telling her how great I felt not drinking and getting eight hours sleep. And I'm talking on my birthday and she goes, ah, you ought to have a couple tonight. You have a couple tonight.

I was like, yeah, why do you always do this to me? I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to go to bed early and you're always like, Bill, you're not an alcoholic. Stop being so dramatic, you know? And then I realized, oh, it's cause she got me the Johnny Walker blue. So I called her up and that she, you know, we had a good laugh about that. So I had a little shot of that before I did the second show. And then the second show at the end of that, Verzi and Thamelis brought out a cake with candles on it and shit.

And everyone was singing happy birthday again. It's a 1400 cedar. I had 2800 people, unless people didn't like my act towards the end, sing me happy birthday. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. So I'm an asshole. I go to blow out the candles and I go, I got to make a wish. I got to make a wish. And I'm in Montreal.

I go, I wish for a Bruin Stanley Cup championship next year. And they're all like, it was funny though. It was their reaction made me laugh and I blew out part of the candles without the rest of them. So I guess we're not winning next year, but I really want to thank everybody that came out. I had such a fucking great time, both shows. And that really is one of the great cities that I've ever been to. I love that place. I wish I had more time to spend there, but, you know, I kind of flew up and I was just tired from that whole week of running around, running my yeah, promoting the show.

So I just sort of went into the fetal position before the show. I didn't even get to walk around and see anything. Then I did the two shows and then I went right back to bed, went right to bed and got eight hours sleep and then woke up and went to my first formula one race, which I have to tell you lived up to the hype. I don't even know where to begin as far as like going out to just see seeing this event that I don't even know what a year and a half ago. I sort of knew the sport existed. I mean, I knew about it, but I wasn't, you know, doing all this shit of being, you know, watching every single race. So now to finally show up, you know, what that going on was like, uh, I don't know how to explain it. Like the cars, just seeing the cars alone was like seeing a celebrity to me.

Like, oh, that's a Ferrari. That's, that's the fucking, that's the Mercedes team. Oh, there's the fuchsia, the force India team, you know, it was, it was just an incredible experience. We get there, we, you know, we park, then you take a little boat over and, um, I don't know, it was crazy. You know, the guy who does all the wrap up shit, you know, the interviews and everything before and after Will Buxton, he came out to the show. He was telling us you got to come down to the pit area, whatever the fuck they call it, the, uh, I forget what the fuck they call it, but we had these sick ass passes. And we had just under a Luminati level seats. You know, every time you think you're in the best place you could watch it, you find out there's another more air conditioned area with even older manicured looking dudes with younger, hotter looking chicks.

Every time you think you're at the final level of Dante's Inferno, there's another fucking level. It's incredible. You know, there was a whole, there was one other level above where the hell we were at. And, uh, that's where the guys look like, uh, you know, what Celine Dion's husband used to look like. You know, that guy, I mean, he was a bald dude. He basically looked like Rob Reiner, but he was the fucking shape shifter, like lizard level. You know, one of those guys that always dresses all in white, like he's a bald dude, but you even like just the shit he had left on the side. You're like, that's like a fucking thousand dollar haircut.

His beard was like perfectly manicured. You know what I mean? Those guys, those guys who was like their whole wardrobe is like linen. And they, yeah, they walk around like in Christ clothes. They're always on the French Riviera. They're always in a fucking yacht. They got private jets. And then there's always some meerkat looking chicks sitting next to them.

That's like fucking like, you know, 21, 22. And you're like, Oh my God, did you pull up in your fucking World Cup sailboat? You know, go into a town and just walk up to these broke people who just, you know, genetic, you know, they hit the lottery genetics and had this beautiful girl and you just took her away. You know, the open-toed fucking sandals. I remember that guy, Celine Dion's husband. I just remember he not only was he bald, but his head was perfectly tan so it didn't even look bad. And then he just had this angelic white hair on the side.

Same thing with like his beard. It was a different kind of white. You know, like those fancy fucking paint you can get with it's just a hint of another color in there. I don't know what was in there, but you can see why Celine was just so in love that she was punching herself in the fucking chest every night. Couldn't get way to get back. I mean, if that's what his fucking hair and then side of his head and his beard. Look, can you imagine this guy's pubes? I must hear like a perfectly tan junk, you know, with his fucking angelic winged pubes.

I can't even imagine that. Yeah, we didn't get to that level. We got to the level where it was a bunch of people like just fucking real race fans. We got to the level where we had a canopy and I still got a fucking sunburn. That's how white I am. You know, because the sun wasn't on my head, but it hit my fucking chest. So it got all fucking red. And but I want to thank everybody at the F1 race.

Everyone was so fucking cool. So long story short, I got to make it funny, man. I had such a good time. So we're sitting like if you watch a replay of the race when right when they come out of the pit. You know, to rejoin the race right where they hit the acceleration, you know, they got to drive like fucking two and a half miles an hour. And then they get to this point where they can fucking take off, right? Right where they take off was where we were sitting. And we could see turn one and then turn two and it's a whole other game trying to watch the race when you're there.

If you don't have like, I mean, I wish I brought like a radio. So I could have figured out what the fuck was going on because I didn't know what happened to Vettel. I didn't know that the Red Bull guy, you know, who was it? Max Maximilian there. Max Verstappen, right? He clipped the front of his car. I had no idea what was going on. All I know is he pitted really early and I was like, what the fuck?

And all of a sudden he went from second place to like 15th or last in the race. So I kind of knew, but I had no, I had no idea what happened. I didn't know that that fucking, what's his face there? Kimmy Rakin and I didn't know that he had problems with his brakes. We had no fucking idea. No idea. And it was so fucking loud. He had earplugs in and the guy's talking over, but it's just so goddamn loud.

I'm jumping all over the story here. Dude, we took a little boat over, we parked in a garage and then you get in this little boat, takes you over there. And then we'll hook this up down in the whole fucking, whatever the fuck they call it, because of the P. And we got to look at the garages and all that shit and we went into the Red Bull one. And me, Verzi and Thamel has got to meet Daniel Ricardo, who I famously called Ricky Ricken in or some shit. Daniel Ricardo, nicest fucking guy ever. And by the way, I want to be in the shape of an F1 driver. This guy's a fucking ridiculous.

This guy was like, I don't know, he's like 5'11". So he's got me by an inch or so. He was probably 30 pounds lighter than me. Fucking amazing. He goes, yeah, we get weighed twice a day right before the, you know, during the race week or whatever. It was joking about some fucking broccoli thing that drink he just drank and how much weight they lose when they're in the car and all that type of stuff. I really want to thank Red Bull Racing for how cool and nice they were in everything. They were kind of the exact opposite of this fucking cunt we met from the Ferrari team.

Granted, it was after the race. And I thought he was, one of the guys was cool. He was really, really nice. But the first guy we met was a cunt, but I think he thought we were being cunts because I didn't understand. I knew that Ferrari was having a nightmare of a day, but I didn't realize the level. I mean, I thought it was still cool that, you know, Vettel was able to work his way back up to the field. I was kind of paying attention to him. I wasn't paying attention to Kimmy.

So when I went down there, you know, I didn't know what to say. The guy was like, after the race, all those Ferrari guys are like smoking cigarettes to it's fucking hilarious. All tanned up fucking smoking cigarettes. And I just walked up and I was just like, I was just like, hey, man, is it okay? Good first he gets a picture with you because he wanted a picture with somebody from Ferrari. You know, he's half Sicilian, you know. So the guys just like, yeah, yeah. And I said, Hey, you know, you know, good race today.

You know, you guys, at least you got by the forced India guys and his face just dropped. And I swear to God, in his face, I understood the entire history and the pressure of working on Ferrari. Like he just looked us. I can't even, he didn't say anything. And then he just went, I said, and I was trying to make it nice. Again, I was, I thought they had a good race when they had a horrific race. He probably thought they didn't know this was my first event. So he probably thought I was fucking with him.

So he probably, he's probably not a cunt. But if you could have seen this guy's face fucking drop, I'd say if an actor ever did what this guy's face did in a movie, you'd win an Oscar. And now Verzi's got to stand next to him and Verzi can read people better than me. You know, he's half Sicilian, half Greek. It's fucking over, right? So he feels uncomfortable. So I'm trying to make it nice going like, all right, this is going to be a legendary picture or whatever.

And then he goes, ah, no, he takes the picture. And then the fucking, the guy who I thought it was a cunt, but probably thought we were a cunt. He goes, no, you just missed the legend go by. He goes, ah, that'll, that'll just walk by. We're like, really? Where'd he go? He goes, I went right in there. And we believed him.

And then Andrew figured out later that he was just fucking with us. And then we met somebody else in the Friar team, which who's really nice. But anyways, it was a, it was just an amazing fucking time. I don't even know. I don't know. I don't know how to do it justice. It's too, it was too much to try to put all into one. I guess I started at the fucking middle and then went back to the beginning and then I went to the end of the fucking race.

Just knowing the end. We were sitting outside of Lewis Hamilton's garage, you know, after everybody left and there was all these fans there and they introduced the whole team. The crowd goes crazy. Like racing is really big with the fans. Like they do all this extra stuff. They're great. So then they would chant Lewis's name and Lewis comes out again with another bottle of champagne. He sprays it on his team and then sort of whipped around in our direction.

And we actually got hit with the champagne from Lewis Hamilton. That's how fucking close we were. So I don't know how to ever top that experience, but like, I'd like to say again, thank you to everybody who, you know, Bruce Hills and all those guys from just for last for hooking us up. We had a great time. And yeah, I don't know what to tell you, but I kind of realized just going through talking everybody in like the garages and shit, just how it's like Mercedes won't give Red Bull. They try to buy an engine, I guess, from Mercedes and they're like, yeah, no, we're not giving you that basically because Daniel Ricardo is too good of a fucking driver. We don't need that competition. However, they will sell it to other fucking teams.

Like I think Force India, they gave them, but it's not the same Mercedes engine that they have. It's really fucking weird. Like it's like, all right, well, we'll sell an engine to a team that we know we can beat so we can make the money and help pay for the fucking team, but we're not going to give it to a good team. But I don't get how like Red Bull, when, when what's his face, uh, Vettel was driving for one like fucking three in a row, four in a row, and nobody could catch him. It's like, what, what, what, what the fuck happened to Red Bull's engine over the last four years? You know, I don't know. I got my fucking program here. And I hope I'm not boring you guys to shit.

I'm going to get off this quickly because I know that for me to start talking about driving for fucking 20 God day. Well, that taxi one was, that taxi was a nice mainstream story. Wasn't it? Doesn't that count for anything? Your fucking assholes. Um, no, if I look up the Mercedes team, they've only been around since, uh, 2010. Now I know Mercedes has been racing cars since the 1950s. Like I don't get how the Ferrari team's been around since 1950.

Is this like some AMG shit? I'm going to have to look up the history of these teams because I found it fascinating because after a while I was like, you know what? I'm not going to root for Mercedes and fucking, I'm not going to join this sport and then root for the fucking Yankees or Red Sox. And that's too easy, right? So I kind of like, uh, I like Red Bull and I like fucking, uh, Force India. Just because I had a great time when I did that gig in Mumbai and the comedians over there were fucking hilarious, breaking balls and stuff. But, um, but then I saw the owner of the team or wherever the director is. It's just some fucking white dude.

Force India. Is there like a fucking Aziz looking dude anywhere in there? That's fucking, you know, you figure with a name like that. There's got to be an Indian dude. You know, I don't fucking know. Anyways, what am I talking about here? Um, so I had added great fucking time. How about that?

I'll leave it at that. I'll leave it at that. And what's his face? Lewis Hamilton got 25 fucking points and, uh, now he's only what, like 12 behind. He was 25 behind. That was the one exciting thing was watching Vettel work his way through the field. Oh, and I forgot to say how the fucking the force India guys, even if you're not into this sport, oh, they were going back and forth with one another. Right.

The young kid was trying to get through and the Perez guy wouldn't let him through. Would not let him through. Right. What's the other guy's name? Oh, con wanted to get through and he wouldn't get him through. So while they were fighting with each other, right? And fourth and fifth place, uh, Vettel, you know, divide Conor Conker went by both of them in the last couple of fucking laps and ended up getting into fourth place, which was fucking huge. You know, and in a way, fucked over the Mercedes team, you know, and I bet they called them up and say, Hey, next time you fucking fuchsia cunts want one of our fucking engines.

All right. We give you one of our goddamn engines. And this is how you treat us. You block the goddamn Ferraris or get your faster car out front. The fuck are we doing here? I'll give you a fucking Volkswagen engine. You do that shit to me again. Right.

I think that must have happened somewhere along the line that that had to have happened. So, um, is the house team, the American team? It's so fucking confusing. I'm sitting here looking at McLaren Honda McLaren to me fucking worked on Mercedes and Honda used to dominate the sport. Now there's poor bastard. Every time he goes around the fucking lap, dude, it's like he's driving a hoopty. The thing just shits the fucking bed every time he took a fucking race off. One of those guys, Fernando Alonso.

I think he said, you know, fuck this. I'm going to go, I'm going to take a race off. That's how bad your engines are. And I'm going to go drive the Indy 500. And I believe when he went there is his engine quit too. I'm not sure. I've been flying all over the hell, all over the hell, all over hell. So we went to the race.

I got sunburned. We saw all of this stuff. Dude, when we were sitting, we literally saw them pull their cars in. In the end, where it was both Mercedes, Hamilton and Botas and then Daniel Ricardo. We saw them all shake hands. They walked up the stairs and then we saw him, you know, on the podium. We were like to the side, you know, by the way, that fucking trophy that you get for winning that race, Jesus Christ.

And that, that, just one of the worst fucking trophies I've ever seen in my life. I think it's just the Toronto, not the Toronto, the Canadian Maple Leaf. They just sort of have it elevated with all this stuff, but it's just such a bland. They should make it like gold or something with, with the red outline of Canada. You know what I mean? Red and white for Canada. And then you put a bunch of gold in there. You shine it up a little bit.

Jesus Christ, Canada. Did all your imagination go into the Stanley Cup? I don't know. I was really disappointed with it. You know what's funny was the one that Lewis Hamilton got was bad enough. The one that Daniel Ricardo get, I swear to God, he's probably using to prop open some door in his house. That's how bad, I got to look this thing up. I really have to, I got to trash this fucking thing.

The fuck is it? Come on, Bill. Can you believe that cab driver? I deserve to be punished. I mean, that's the kind of mindset. That's how you end up driving a fucking cab at 70 years of age. And he's probably an immigrant and people are fucking racist and they probably never got an opportunity. I mean, that's another thing, Bill.

That's, that always can happen too, you know? All right, fair enough. Hey, fair enough, you know, who knows? All right. Montreal, Canada, Canada, Canada, Grand Prix. You know who's enjoying me talking about this right now is Nashville Predator fans. Because the last thing, oh, maybe it looks a little bit better. It's got some fucking, it's got a little gold in there.

Yeah, it's just sitting on like rebar. It's just, it's just no imagination. I mean, could you at least put like a red outline around the gold? Could you do something to fucking dress this up? I swear to God, if there's some fucked up reason I ever won that race. I don't know. I got so into this game, this, this fucking sport and I somehow lost 90 pounds. So I could actually not be, you know, causing the car to lose.

And I somehow beat Lewis Hamilton and Vettel in a non-Mercedes, non-Ferrari engine car. If they brought that trophy out to me, you know, and I just lost fucking five pounds, pissing myself as I'm driving around the goddamn track. I would, I just would be like, yeah, you keep that thing. You keep, why don't you go back and finish making that trophy and then I'll accept it. I'm sure that wouldn't cause any, any international incident. Speaking of an international incident, what the fuck? The Nashville Predators.

Oh, the dreaded, I lost sight of the puck and blew the whistle. Welcome Nashville Predator fans. Welcome. You guys are now officially been baptized as hockey fans. Okay. Up until now, you were expansion, expansion, uh, hockey fans. I didn't respect you, even with your chance, even with Smashville, even how far you've come. I could not fully accept you as fans of the national hockey league until I saw your team

in a Stanley Cup final score a goal, but the ref lost sight of the puck and it's waved off. Now you've earned your stripes. Now you have a ref that you hate, you know, now you got someone people are going to send letters to and fucking make death threats and all the other people take it too fucking seriously. Can you imagine that poor fucking referee? Listen to that. Nashville Predator fans somehow figuring out his phone, phone number. Yeah, buddy, let me tell you what, you fucking French motherfucker.

If I ever kiss you in Tennessee again, I swear to God, I swear to God. I swear to God, buddy. I've got some farming equipment. I'll figure out how to unrust it just to run you over with that after I shoot you in the fucking face. I can't imagine the threats that he's getting. I shouldn't even talk about it. It's probably not even funny. Unbelievable, unfucking believable.

But I told you guys, I fucking told you, I picked the penguins. I can think of, I don't know, somewhere around the first round. I was like, I know all these guys look. I don't see anybody stopping them. I just didn't see anybody. That's right. You know, after once the Blackhawks got knocked out, I was just like, yeah, fuck that. It's over.

They're going to win. And then I lost faith with them, you know, with their goal tending towards the end of the Ottawa series and they proved me wrong. And then there was that game. There was that game, game four that the Predators won, but that fucking look on Crosby's face when he scored that goal and he didn't put his hands up like I scored a goal. He put them out to the side, you know, gathering his fucking teammates in like that's one like total fucking business look on his face.

And congratulations to the penguins. You fucking non-flying dirty birds. You did it again. That's Crosby's third. That's Malkin's third. They now have one more than the fucking great duo of Mario Lemieux and Yarmira Yaga. So that's really saying something. They got five.

They got fucking five. You know, I don't want to start anything, but they almost have twice as many as the fucking flyers. Twice as many as the flyers. Philadelphia. You're going to sit there. You going to take that shit? You have to during the off season.

Same way. Same way I do as a Bruin fan. I believe we have six Stanley Cups, but we've been around since like Charles Lindbergh. So that's different. Although the penguins have been around for 50 years already. Just like that. Who would have thought? Anyways, let's talk about old Billy.

No fun. No fun, Billy. What's the deal? No fun, Billy. So after telling you, I was going to have no fun. You know, it was my birthday. I was in Montreal, but even then I didn't go fucking nuts. Like the last night we went to my favorite cigar bar up in Montreal.

We went to Stoges and I had a couple of fucking Grey Goose, even though I like Belvedere. Grey Goose is the Pepsi of vodka. You know what I mean? I always like Coke because Coke had the bite. You know, give you a fucking right, dear friend. You know, I was speaking to that. What about cold lotion? Cold lotion of the week would have to be they, the Nashville Predator scored a legal goal

and the guy lost the fucking site of the park. That is, that is, that is NHL referee cold lotion right there. That's exactly what the fuck that was. But yeah, so I'm not a big Grey Goose fan. You know, I feel like, you know, much like that cab driver that feels like he should be punished. I feel like when I'm drinking that I should be feeling the effects of what I'm doing to my body. I don't want it watered down. You got to drink the gas.

You know, I like Belvedere. It's got a little more of a kick to it, although I'm not a big vodka guy. So I had that. I fucking smoked a cigar after the race. 1030, Old Freckles was in bed. Okay. So when my alarm went off at 530 in the morning for my early flight to get back to my lovely wife and daughter, I was fine.

I was packed. I was ready to fucking go. Everything was fine. And but now it's official. Now I'm back and it's just like my big thing this year as a 49 year old is eight hours sleep. I got to do it. I got to do it. Because as much as I like going out and partying and doing all that shit, nothing at my age

feels better than fucking eight hours sleep. So I'm hoping that I can latch onto this lifestyle and have that be my new fucking drug. Eight hours sleep. Yeah, I got to do it. I don't know how to drink recreationally. I got to be honest with you. I just don't, you know, I just, if I'm doing it, I'm fucking doing it. It's like I got into F1.

Now look at me. I'm spending half the fucking podcast probably driving you guys up the goddamn wall talking about this shit. And now, you know, I went to my first race. I'm going to the one in Austin and then immediately I just go, well, that's just that's two down two down on a 20. If I do two a year and 10 years, I can fucking go to all of them. You know, sometimes that works for me.

Sometimes it doesn't, you know, it works for me as far as like trying to succeed in life because I just get into something and I fucking do it. And next thing, you know, I crossed the finish line. But you know, when you apply that same sort of philosophy to drinking, it doesn't work. It's all about after you have the drink, if you have the water afterwards and you sort of so be yourself back up again. I don't know. I don't think I'm cut out for it.

So I need to take, I mean, I've been needing to take time off for a good fucking year. So that's what I'm doing right now. I'm not saying I'm not going to drink for a fucking year, but I'm definitely, I don't know, we'll see. It'd be funny if I end up in the AA, you know, going to some fucking meeting. I'll never admit that I'm an alcoholic. Just I don't want to go down and listen to those fucking stories. You know, it's not even the stories.

The stories are funny, but then afterwards he's fucking chain smoking, donut eating, sad sex. You know, I remember when I got busted for drinking and driving one of the one of the requirements, I had to go to two AA meetings. I had to go to a mother's against drunk driving meeting and all this community service I had to do. And I remember going to the fucking, the fucking AA meeting. Jesus Christ.

Just when, you know, if you think you have an alcohol problem, go to an AA meeting. Good Lord. These fucking people. Holy shit. Insane. The fucking stories. Waking up with no teeth, getting bailed out of jail and fucking walking out with no shoes right across the street to a liquor store.

I mean, I don't know, maybe that's like an extreme version. I don't fucking know. Let's read a little bit of advertising here for this week, everybody. Huh? What the hell is it? Where is it? Oh God, somebody's going to correct me on kryptonite this week. You guys just don't fucking let up, do you?

Unreal. Last week, what did I, I guess the fucking superhero people, they take it so goddamn seriously. All right. I have advertising if this thing ever loads. Come on. Load it up. I never even finished talking about the cable shit. I watched, you know, I pay so much fucking money for the internet and I pay so much fucking

money for cable and this shit doesn't work. You know, the F1 race didn't even record it. It started to record and it was just that shaking commercial that you can't fast forward past because I wanted to see what happened at the beginning of the race. And then you know what? I went online and just found it. So maybe that's what I need to do to do to do. I have no idea.

Oh, and I didn't even bring up the fucking Cavaliers. Holy shit. What a game. What a fucking game. 48 first quarter points, 86 points in the first half. Unfucking believable. And it was still, it took them halfway through the fourth quarter. That's how little competition there is, but you know something?

I think when that little fucking fellow there, the guy who shoots the three pointers is probably a foot taller than me, but he looks like a little fellow on the NBA court when he fucking pretended to take a shit. That was one of the most classless things I've ever seen. He pretends to take a shit and then runs up to court, wipes his ass and then wipes it on the Cavalier logo and then afterwards like, yeah, I was in the moment. I don't remember what I did. Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here. You don't remember what you do. You know exactly what you did. You fucking mined shitting on the floor. I don't know why, you know, I got to hit pause. I got to hit pause to get open this fucking thing. All right, I'm back. I'm back.

Just went out of the kitchen. I just saw my dinner salmon salad with salmon. Oh God. Fucking salmon. You know what's the tragedy about salmon is how many salmon get killed a year and people don't even appreciate it. You know, it's like tuna minus the personality. It's just like a fucking, I was joking with Keith Robinson about that.

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You can't get drunk off a wine. Jesus Christ. That's what they had at the Formula One. They had Heineken's and then they had white wine. I drank, I was like, I don't want to get all fucking beer fat. So I drank like two white wines and, you know, I now understand why so many women are cunties. It's impossible to drink that shit and get any sort of a nice buzz. You know, it's just another thing that's harder for women.

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a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long term commitments. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com enter Burr. All right. So the calves are playing tonight. Oh my God. Dude, can you imagine if they fucking win this one? Then they're going back to Cleveland.

This is how quickly it can turn around. This is how fast it can fucking turn around. It would be amazing. I haven't enjoyed a fucking game in a long time like that. I was at a bar, of course. Who's kidding who? I haven't been Billy no fun. I've been Billy less fun today.

I start Billy no fun. It's just the Cavaliers have to do what they did the other night again tonight. You know, and then again and then again. But each game I think would be less. And then, you know, do you realize that the Cavaliers come back and do this? They'd be the first NBA team to ever do it. And then secondly, Steph Curry taking a shmiming, taking a shit, wiping his ass. And is that one of the most classless fucking things you've ever seen in your life?

It's like fucking how it guys a dad. You know what I mean? I don't understand. I don't. I this just it just makes me feel old like when he does the no look pass. And then he fucking he starts miming like, you know, he has like binoculars on as he looks at the crowd. Doesn't even look at the end of the. It's like, did magic Johnson ever do that?

I just I for the fucking life of me. I will never understand that. That's like that dancing. I told you when I was at the game and there was some six year old kid dancing, which should have been adorable. But he had a look on his face like he wanted to beat the shit out of me. I was just, I just don't understand what's going on with people. Just a complete lack of class and humility is, you know, and this is coming from a drunk. And even I'm noticing.

Anyways, Kryptonite everybody. Here we go. Let's do some of these, these, these letters here. Hello, Bill. Hello, person. I don't know. I know you don't give a shit, but I refuse to stand by and watch you be an idiot. But the story of Krypton is the planet.

Last week I was talking about Kryptonite. I go, isn't it like fucking natural to his planet? How can Superman be allergic to Kryptonite from his planet? So this guy says Krypton. The story of Krypton is the planet exploded from nuclear, from a nuclear chain reaction. That's nice and vague from the family back east caused by the planet's unstable radioactive core. All right. I guess that was a little more of an explanation.

Kryptonite being pieces of the radioactive planet that somehow reach earth. Okay. Well, then shouldn't those things also affect the humans that go and get it? You know what I mean? I don't understand that. My phone's fucking ringing. God damn it. Do I got to take this?

I'll call him back. Okay. So that's what it is. All right. So if the advice somehow got off earth and I went to Krypton and the earth exploded, they would then be earth tonite and then Superman could sit right next to that radioactive rock. I know at this some point you'd be like, Bill, can you just fucking play along? Can you just play?

You know why I'm not playing along? Because this guy said, I can't watch you be an idiot. Watch me be an idiot like Kryptonite is an actual thing. This is like you think I'm an idiot because I can't name all the broads on sex in the city. I mean, this is just a fucking, it's made up buddy. All right. Sorry. I don't know the origins of Kryptonite.

What, what has that gotten you in life? Huh? Other than a girlfriend with a retainer, you know, 30s. All right. Sex everybody. I see that people should be slower to, I think that people should be slower to jump into bed. Friendship and respect go a long way. Please have Nia and yourself encourage young people to respect each other more before sex.

Um, listen, I don't give public service announcements. I mean, I just complain about shit. If you want to go on, get fucking laid, go on, get laid. All right. Use, use, use a fucking protection. But if you actually are looking for somebody, um, you know, to have more than that, then, you know, I think, uh, you know, something who I am so emotionally shut down. I can't even speak on this.

I don't know how I lucked out into meeting Nia. It just fucking happened. All right. But this is okay. I just love that somebody like this actually wrote in this is very conservative. This is really interesting. I think that people should be slower to jump into bed. Friendship and respect go a long way.

Please have Nia and yourself encourage young people to respect each other more before sex. Like how many listeners do I have my on my podcast that the Catholic church is now trying to slip in public service announcements? Well, actually, well, I get, I, why don't I give everybody a Southern accent? I'm just going to have the, literally the Pope in a Southern accent say, well, after we fucked all those kids, no one's listening to us. Um, probiotics, everyone. Hi, Bill. I was just listening to some videos on YouTube on the YouTube channel, Bill Burr archives. Not sure how long ago this one was from, but you are asking for more information from anyone on how to get clean probiotics.

And I just wanted to say, look up keffer K E F I R keffer. Isn't that like a racial slur? I believe that's a racial slur in some country for a group of people traveled so much. I forget where that's from. I got to look that up. I hope I'm not saying that wrong. Might have to fucking apologize. Hang on a second.

Keffer racial slur. I spelt it like what they just said. Oh, and my internet doesn't work. Why won't you fucking work now? Why won't you work? Yeah. Oh, that's K A F F I R. The word kaffir is a term used in South Southern of Africa to refer to a black person.

All right. You see that? I knew I watched some sad show and how people treat each other. So I must be saying that wrong. I'm going to say keffer like Sutherland keffer. You can buy the grains and you just add them to your organic milk. And then two days later. Approximately you have keffer yogurt.

Much better than the store bought ones because they get pasteurized and hence you lose a lot of the bacteria. Okay, cheers. Fuck face. Have a good one. All right. But then what about the milk? Where do I get the milk? I get the milk from an organic cow.

Why don't I just lay off the booze? Can I just do that? Would that be easier? Um, all right. Lady needing advice. Don't want to go to male friends wedding. Oh, this is great. I can give you advice on this.

My girlfriend's ex was gross. Lady needing advice. Don't want to go to male friends wedding. My girlfriend's ex was gross. I don't care. Okay. 23 year old guy. What the fuck is this?

I think the lady needing advice somehow got cut off. So this is a different one. My girlfriend's ex was gross. Well, where's the lady needing advice? Don't want to go to male friends wedding. I will get to the bottom of that by Thursday. All right. Hi Bill.

I'm a 23 year old guy and I recently moved in with my 23 year old girlfriend. Everything was going awesome until one drunken night. She starts to tell me what her ex boyfriend was like. Okay. She explains that when she was 20, she dated this guy who will call Joe, who was 11 years older than her, which already fucks with my head. So being insecure the next day, I decided to look him up online and he's disgusting. He's fat with an unkempt beard and really short and a pudgy face.

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that my girl being so hot and young, bang the slob of a man picturing the two, the two together doing what we do now is really messed up. Messing me up to the point we stopped having sex a week ago. I just can't get it out of my head. I mean, at one point that disgusting mess really turned her on. Gross. Am I just being an asshole? Do I break up with her?

Honestly, I just don't look at her the same way anymore. I can handle her vast sexual history before me, but not with that mess. It's really screwing with me. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. Here's one of these things that if you were a woman, they would be like, well, you have to honor that. You have to know no means no.

And if, if, if you don't like this, then you should honor that. That's what you're feeling and your partner, if they really love you, should understand this and wait until you're able to perform again. But that's not how it works with guys. You would be judged for being so fucking superficial and blah, blah, blah, so fucking superficial, right? And the amount of young horse that I saw with these old fucking guys at that F one race, you know, um, I don't know what you do to be honest with you.

But I mean, this is what I would do in the future. I wouldn't Google people. She used to fuck. That's probably a bad thing, but I'm thinking you're only 23 years old. How did you know? So she used to fuck this troll probably under a bridge. Yeah, that's kind of gross. Probably had some fucking one of those short, but fat dicks, you know,

peeking out of his pubes. Oh, that's so disgusting. Um, I would talk to her about it. I would just say, listen, you know, I was insecure that you that you were with an older man and was, you know, not confident about what I was doing with you in bed. And my curiosity got the best of me and I Googled that guy.

Dude, for all you know, you got the wrong guy, by the way, it might be someone with the same name. Who knows? Um, you know, I don't know, but it's, I don't know. In a week's time, you can't get past that. I mean, she's probably looking at you like you're a champ.

That guy was a 34 year old fat, disgusting fuck and you're 23, imagining in shape, right? Um, I don't know. I don't think it's weird that you looked at the guy and then all of a sudden you just picture and fucking your girlfriend. That's disgusting. I don't think that's weird at all.

The women would say it is because they always defend each other for some reason, yet they fucking go at each other like alley cats when we're not around. Um, I don't know. There's like, yeah, there's like some female like union, you know, they act like union and men are not unionized. We're just every man from fucking self. Um,

although I am sticking up for you. So who knows? Um, yeah, I would, uh, you know, I think I talked to her about it. Just say it. You know, do you think this makes me superficial? She's going to be like, yes, I can't believe you judge me like that.

I just, I don't judge people on looks. I know you judge him on their wallets. Um, if he has a nice personality and a private jet, you know, I don't mind a little extra weight. Yeah. What was going on with that guy?

Maybe that fat troll was taken out to a nice restaurant every night. So we could keep her and that's how we got fat. I don't know. You have a giant head too. Most big fucking butcher block heads. All right. Jealousy issues. Jealousy issues.

Uh, dear Billy Rosie cheeks. First up, I'm a huge fan. Keep up all the great work. Anyway, me and my girlfriend of four years just moved to France. She is French and all her family is here. We lived in Australia and plan to go back to Australia in 11 months. Sorry, I had to get that you on out. Our relationship is very serious.

We never laugh. No, I'm kidding. I love this girl so much and plan on popping the question soon. Uh, we were at a local bar last night. I'm not lingual enough to talk well at a bar yet. So when we go out, it's hard to follow what's being said, but I still have a pretty good time. After I had a few drinks with her and her friends,

this guy, my girlfriend works with, sits with us while it's just me and her about three a.m. And I immediately felt bad. I'd never met this dude, but when he sat down, my girlfriend didn't look at me for 10 minutes and was 100% focusing focused on him leaning in, laughing, et cetera. While I sat on my phone or looking up at the sports.

Yeah, dude, that's not good. That's not good. Uh, repeat, that is not good. I couldn't understand what they were talking about and there wasn't a way I could be a part of it. I didn't like the way this guy was looking at me as well, twice during the time. After 10 minutes, she's strugglingly puts her hand on my knee

and after five more minutes, I tell her we should leave. I say goodbye to her friends and walk outside. I smoke a cigarette and wait a bit longer, go back inside and she's still at the bar with this guy, paying her bill. Same ambiance as before. When we leave to walk home, I mean, I'm immediately cold with her.

You should have been. She fucking embarrassed you. You absolutely should have been. You wouldn't do that to her, would you? I was pretty drunk. So I expressed my dislike for this situation in an overly angry and an impatient manner. Yeah, you should have waited till you was so.

This is one of these things where you were right and then you were drunk. So then you became wrong by the way you said it. 20 minutes into a 30 minute walk home, she was tearing up pretty bad and told me she was talking about me and other harmless shit. Bull fucking shit.

She was talking about her dog and her dog was sitting next to it. At some point she'd be like, look at his face. She would have done that. She's full of shit. This is my gut. Anyways, well, the feeling stayed between us when we woke up this morning.

I don't get to socialize much here and I really like this bar where everybody goes to, but this felt particularly bad. My girlfriend acts more natural in this country. So this is awesome for her to be with her fellow countrymen. But we've never in four years had a conflict where jealousy is an issue. Have you ever had an issue where your girl's talking to a dude

and it crosses a line? Absolutely. Absolutely. And I was drunk and I said something. Yeah, and that didn't end well. Can I deal with this without affecting the relationship or how my girl acts socially? Deep down, she's an absolute sweetheart and really sensitive, so it's a bit delicate.

Also, there's a part of me that says maybe it's all in my head. Anyways, hope you can help Bill. Any advice would be great. Love to the Burr family. Go fuck yourself. All right, well, there's so many factors. Yeah, you could be jealous, but if it was actually 10 minutes and she didn't look at you and then I said,

I'll meet you outside and she's still in there talking to him about what a fucking great guy you are. At some point, your gut doesn't lie unless your head's fucked up. All right, if it's coming from your gut, if it's not coming from between your ears and it's all these fearful thoughts, that's your head and you need to quiet that down.

But if it's coming from your gut and your gut's just saying, this just isn't fucking right. And who's kidding who? The French have different ideas about that type of shit, where, you know, I'm not saying everybody over there, but they're the whole fucking having a mistress, you know, is not looked down upon, it seems, sort of accepted as the resentment builds.

I don't fucking know, but I just don't... That whole situation is bad. And I actually think her reaching over and patting you on the fucking leg to keep you at bay there. I even think that that makes it, that made it even worse. Now, having said all that, you should have waited till the next morning. Or at least when you walk back then,

I just say, listen, I'm a little drunk right now, so I don't want to have a big conversation, but I would like to talk to you about what just went down with that guy. Like, that ever works with a woman. No, we need to discuss it now. I can't go to sleep knowing you're going to talk about it. You know?

I don't know what to do. Who knows what the fuck that was. I would be like, all right, so is she only the way she is because she's in my country and she doesn't know anybody, but this is how she really is? Is this just a cultural thing that she used to fuck this guy

and she's psyched to see him, and this is going to be her little fucking fling on the side when we get married? I wouldn't know what the fuck to think. But I would try to regroup and just be like, you know, I find it hard to believe that if I was at a bar and I started speaking a language with another woman that you didn't know,

and I didn't even look at you for 10 minutes and then gave you a pandering pat on the fucking leg, and then tried, and then I went outside for a smoke and I came back in, you was still in there talking to this person, this woman, if I was talking, I'm saying, if I was talking to this woman, that I would somehow be able to convince you

that I was talking about you the whole time? I don't know what to tell you, sir, other than to practice up on your French. Practice up on your French and do it without her knowing. Get that Rosetta Stone shit, get your French game in order, and learn all their ménage-tois fucking... What's ass over there?

Gross, G-R-O-S, something like that? You got to know what the fuck he's saying to your girlfriend. So I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, dude. My gut says that that was fucked up. I can just tell you that. I'm not trying to drive you away from this woman, but that seemed fucked up.

If that was coming from your gut, sir, God damn it, I would go with it. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. If you enjoy this podcast and you'd like to donate without a caution, you're a dime, just go to billburt.com, click on the podcast page,

and there's an Amazon link there. Anytime you want to buy something off of Amazon, just go to my webpage, click on the link. I get credit for driving traffic to the website. It doesn't cost you any more money, whatever you were going to buy. They kicked me a little fucking cash-ish, or whatever, fucking tidbits,

whatever they call those, those PayPal money coin things. Brexit, I don't know what it's called. That's it. That's what you can do. And if you don't want to do that, I completely understand. I don't give a shit if you keep listening.

You cheap fuck. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Let's go calves. Congratulations, penguins. My condolences to Nashville fans. Thank you to everybody at the Formula One race.

And I can't wait to watch the next race. I don't even know where the hell it's at. But I will be watching. I actually finally watched the Italian Grand Moto GP. By the way, trying to tape those fucking races is so difficult. Every time I go to click, it's the fucking Moto 3, Moto 2.

It's the fucking time trial. I always got to click every single fucking one of them before I finally get to the race. I got to see the Italian one. These motherfuckers were going like 220 miles an hour on motorcycles. And I finally figured out the kilometer thing. Every 50 miles an hour is 80 kilometers.

So you just keep adding 80 every 50. So 50, 100 miles an hour, 150, 200 miles an hour is 80, 160, 240. What the fuck would that be? 320, roughly. All right, there you go. There's a little metric system for you. Go fuck yourselves off. See you on Thursday.