Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-16

Episode Date: June 13, 2016

Bill rambles about the Cup, creepy coaches and birthdays.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Money Podcast for Monday, June 13, 2016. What's going on? How the fuck are you? I'm hanging out here Sunday night. There's 30.2 seconds left in game six and a barry, an absolute miracle out there on the ice, worthy of a Lake Placid sequel. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the fucking Pittsburgh Penguins are going to win their fifth cup. Is this the fifth one? That's fuck. You realize how successful that is? They've only been around since 67. The Bruins been around forever. We only got six. You motherfuckers. Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Penguins, man. This fucking great and really happy for Phil Kessel. This is actually a good one for me as a Bruins fan because Joe

Thornton was another former Bruins. Either way, I was going to say, and I like both those fucking players. I mean, because of the Phil Kessel trade to Toronto, we won a cup. Granted, we then traded everybody the fuck away, but we did win a cup. So I can't say some shit to fucking Montreal fans. Finally, 20 seconds to go, 19. I'll tell you, this is a toughest trophy to win in the fucking goddamn professional sports. This got to be one of the most, how the fuck was that icing? The goalie played it. Ah, Jesus Christ. What is this? The fucking NBA? By the way, I kind of, I guess I understand now why it's not as physical in the NBA. I actually looked up some of the rules, the obviously the three second rule. And isn't even as like an offensive player? Are you allowed to be?

I don't know. One of these guys can go down the fucking lane. A defensive player can't be in the fucking painted area for longer than three seconds or it's an illegal defense. He is allowed to stand there if he's within arm's length of the guy that he's guarding. So all the guy's got to do is just fucking run out to the three point land and they just clear it, clear the path, right? And it comes the honor roll student right down the fucking lane. Like Jack, there's his quickness, his first step. Yeah. And the fact that there's now a fucking rule that says you can't have some giant fucking guy standing there. Oh, look at him going crazy. Wow. Another one in the books. You know something? I'm not claustrophobic, but one of the worst things you want to be

after winning a championship is that person on the bottom of the fucking pile. You know, you literally go from like celebrating that you won to not even being able to breathe. You're like, yeah. And you get tackled. You just like, you know what? There's been times people have scored big fucking touchdowns and they get tackled by the teammates. They get like they're fucking leg broken. It's unbelievable. Anyways, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Penguins and Pittsburgh. Great, great fucking hockey town. I know we've had our rivalry and that thing, but I've just been there too many times. I got too many friends there and congratulations to Joe Bartnick. He's got to be going fucking crazy

right now. If I didn't have shit to do tomorrow, I would have gone over his place and watched the game. San Jose sharks though, man, you know, you never made it to the finals. He got over the hump and now you're going to have that bitter taste in your mouth. And hopefully you'll come back and win one unless my fucking Bruins get their shit together. And then we fucking finally win one. So anyways, let's get on with the podcast here. I had a, yeah, had my birthday weekend, wonderful birthday weekend. Old Billy booze bag was fucking throwing him down. Old Billy booze bag was acting a clamp, right? And fucking Joey roses was over, right? Came over on my birthday to my house when I say, Joey, you say roses. He came over.

A fucking guy was hilarious. He came over with like a bottle of gin, something, some, a fucking lemon. And then he had those, those fucking red cherries that might or might not cause cancer. Dude, Phil Castle looks like he fucking, he's like works with wood. Doesn't he? Like some weird guy that never married, but he could fucking, you know, make a Davenport out of a fucking tree stump. You can't hate Phil Castle though. How's your breath? Pretty bad, eh? Oh, and the wonderful tradition of the NHL is shaking over the heads, the show of mutual respect. Anyways, yeah, so I fucking went, I went way too hard on my birthday, you know,

cause I didn't think any, you know, I didn't really do anything. I worked all fucking day and then I came home. I had a coarse light and I was just like, you know what, it's my birthday. I'll fucking have a Scotch, right? Pulled out my big giant fucking cube of ice. I threw down two Scotches and next thing you know, fucking roses was coming over. And I already had three in the fucking, three in the wind column. So, I don't really remember most, probably the last third of the fucking night. And I don't know, all I know is I got a bunch of dirty looks for my wife the next day. So, last night I went out again and I only had like a couple of beers and then that's it. That's it. I'm shutting it down again. That's how I stay in control,

you know? The thing about your liver is you don't want to spoil it, you know? I've slapped it around enough so now I give it a break. And then just when it starts to think, hey, you know what? Everything is beautiful. I give it the old fucking right there, Fred. That's what I do. I had a, it was actually a great weekend. I didn't do any stand-up either. I got to get my fucking shit together. So, I'm going to be doing a couple shows this week around LA because I got, I got Newark, Atlantic City and Baltimore coming up this weekend. So, I got to make sure the act is ready to go nice and fucking tight there. And, but this weekend, you know, obviously celebrated my birthday Friday night and let's see, what did I do? Say,

I went to somebody else's fucking birthday party. So, and that one, that was the one that I actually didn't really drink at, but I still felt horrible because at one point I had a tequila and after that I had birthday cake and then I smoked a cigar and then my body was just like, all right, can we, can we fucking pick a road here? Which, which, which way is the abuse going tonight? You know? But I was so hungover Saturday, I couldn't even fucking walk the 10 feet to my gym and I was, that's when I know. I was like, all right, yeah, what are you doing? So, I shut it down. It's over. Put a padlock on it. I don't know how long I'm going to go. I don't, you know what it is? This, this is actually once the fucking playoffs are over, it's kind of easy, but I'm

also going to be starting peeky blinders. So that might be hard the way those fucking guys drink. I don't understand how you watch a show where everybody's boozing and you don't fucking drink. Any alcoholics out there? Like how the fuck do you watch that stuff and just be like, well, everybody else is drinking. I feel like I'm being rude right now. I'm thinking maybe I'm going to shut it down till I go to Europe, but even then I can't really drink because I got to show every fucking night. But I did set myself up in a hotel on one of those dates that there's actually a cigar bar right around the corner. So I might have my one for July. I don't know. I feel like I'm just fucking babbling. This is just me just trying to keep

my bad habits at bay. This is the deal. Either I'm not drinking at all or I'm smoking too many cigars or I cut down the cigars and I drink like a fucking lunatic. You know what I mean? Like I've said before, I literally think the reason why people have kids is so they won't fucking drink themselves to death because once you fucking get yourself going in your career and you got some free time, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you walk over? What are you going to fucking do? Huh? After that fucking horrible tragedy down there in Orlando, which I will never fucking understand lunatic religious people. I just never understand how you get so fucked up in your head that you feel like that's your last act on earth. Okay. That's the last thing you're going to do. And

you think that you're going to go somewhere good that there's somebody after this. If there is somebody after this that judged you that he's going to be sitting there going like, all right, way to go. There you go. That was the right thing to do. Make millions of people sad. You know, it's just just the fucking worst thing ever. And I'm actually going to take a break here from TV probably for other than sports. It's a great thing about sports is you can get away from that stuff because I can't handle when something like this happens how quickly. Oh God, is he getting booed? Is he getting booed? Oh, you know what? Pull past it every fucking year. This is the funniest shit ever in hockey every fucking year.

The commissioner of the league comes out and he just gets fucking I don't know why he's still getting booed. Let's see this here. Hang on a second. Steve Summers wrote those words and now it's engraved on the side of the Stanley Cup. I rubbed my balls on it right before it. One of the greatest trophies in all of sports. Look at Mario Lemieux looking sharp, huh? He's got his anchorman sport coat on. Tom Burgany fucking. The fuck's his name? Oh, here he comes. He's complimenting him. This is one of the loudest buildings I've ever heard that bow in him. His children must cry every fucking year. So anyways, back to the tragedy. Sorry. I can't handle whenever something like that fucking happens and then you got to sit there and listen

to all of these fucking people trying to shoehorn their agendas and their, you know, their fucking theories and then somehow it always becomes Democrat, liberal, fucking conservative, Republican, Muslim Christian, fucking gun control NRA and all that shit. And you know, it's fucking, it's so stupid. You know, it's funny if you look at the daily news in New York City, right? They're anti-gun, which, you know, that's what you want to be. That's what you want to be. But if you anti-gun and you really want, you know, that to work, wouldn't you, you need, what you need to do is persuade the other side to come over. Their headline is thanks a lot NRA or some stupid shit like that. All that does is just get people's fucking back up.

All I'm saying is just going to be a bunch of people screaming and yelling, right? There's going to be a couple of actors and actresses that are going to say something stupid, right? I don't know what, but you know, we're always good to do something like that. People in the fucking, people who forget that they're a dancing monkey and think that they could solve the country's problems for the fucking life of me. I mean, I know I fucking talk about this shit, but I never try to offer solutions, you know? Maybe, oh my, I tell dick and shit jokes and fucking strip malls. But I gotta tell you though, I just wish people out of respect for the amount of fucking pain that was just inflicted on, I can't even imagine what that number of 50 people, how many people

right now are just never going to be the same. You would think that people could go 24 fucking hours without making it about their cause and screaming and yelling, as much as they're trying to fucking help. Can you just, how about just, you know, can you go 20 fucking minutes before we gotta listen to people saying that's Obama's fault and fucking this and that and everything? You know what? I don't know who's fault. It's nobody's fault. You know what it is, dude? Unfortunately, we're fucking, we're animals. It's what it is. Most of us are decent enough not to do that, but it's just, what are you going to do? It's just fucking horrible. Why would I talk about this shit? You know why? Because it's, because why, how do you not? How do you not? Anyways,

so Sidney Crosby got the MVP, got that little shiny house with the fucking, I don't know, disco hat on top of it. All right, when's he giving it to Phil Kessel? When's he giving it to Phil Kessel? Who's he handed off to first? Who's he handed off to first? What are the great traditions of all sports? I'll tell you, it weighs fucking 9,000 pounds until you put it over your head. Then it feels like a baby. You're worried about dropping. You ever hear all the stories about the Stanley Cup? All the fucking, I can't believe they drink out of that thing every year. The amount of fucking stripper ass that has been sitting in that thing. People pissing in it and all kinds of shit. At least it ends up at the bottom of a pool a couple

times. You get some chlorine and I'm exposing myself to the fact that I don't know who anybody is on the fucking penguins. All right, he handled it. He just handed the cup to not Phil Kessel. Not Phil Kessel. Not Phil Kessel. Holding it up, holding it up, turning, spinning. What number is he? Number six? Not Phil Kessel. Jesus Christ, he should have fucking skated around a little more daily. Dude, I would fucking take off with that thing. I swear to God, if I ever got to do that thing, be like when what's his face hits one of his fucking shots at the end of his practice. Speaking of which, Jesus Christ, I was hoping for at least, at least a fucking six game series with the Cavaliers. I guess that's not going to happen, right? Anyways, let's plow ahead

here with the podcast. I'll stop watching. I got to keep this on until at least I'll get to watch Phil Kessel. Hoist the fucking cup here, huh? The woodworker here. Anyways, you know what I watched this sports this morning? I watched the Formula One race, the one up in Montreal, kind of getting into that sport, you know? Because I never know what to do once hockey and basketball ends. You know, what am I going to do? Read? God knows I'm not going to fucking do that, right? I'm just Phil a bust ring. Hey, can you just fucking get the thing to Phil Kessel already? For fuck's sakes. I don't know if he's been waiting that long. Come on. You got to give it to Phil. He's fucking adorable.

Oh, here we go. Phil Kessel, Phil Kessel. Nope. Some assistant captain. Oh, Jesus, that's smoking. I didn't recognize it with a hat on. He's not one of those guys who's fucking mustache and beard doesn't connect. You know, Jesus, he's got a terrible patchy fucking. I don't know what, I don't know what he's got going on there. That's really the thing. People can either, you know, you know, what's the worst is the fucking neck beard, you know, those people it fucking, it starts off all right by the ear and then it just fucking goes, it does a nose dive. He has like the chin strap goes right up and under and they got like five hairs in their

upper lip and he's just like, well, what are you doing? You know, a tang has it now. All right, this has to be excruciatingly boring. I'm going to pause here until Phil Kessel gets it. And of course they cut it off before he fucking hoists the thing because they had to cut immediately to get your championship t-shirts and fucking hats. All right, I'll find a fucking clip of it. All right, with that, I'm going to shut the TV off so I can actually focus here. Yeah, so shutting down the booze. If I can shut down the booze, hit my little fucking gym out there, you know what I mean? Get myself a fucking man's sports bra and fucking get after it, you know, not smoke cigars. I'll be the most in shape and bored I've ever fucking been.

I got to correct a couple of things from the last podcast I did on Thursday. John Sally is not dead. I meant to say Anthony Mason. I don't know. I was half a fucking sleeper, right? And so I want to thank all you cunts on Twitter too that like, you couldn't just write to me, hey, Bill, John Sally isn't dead. You had to put at John Sally so he could have potentially saw it. Why the fuck would you do that to you? You know why? Because you're fucking bored. That's why we're hoping some fucking Twitter dust up would happen, I guess. I don't understand this whole fucking generation of YOLO douches. They're all about filming people, getting them in trouble, hashtagging shit, adding people on stuff, just trying to constantly cause these fucking fights.

It's unbelievable. Don't you just go outside and pick up a stick and pick cowboys and Indians like we used to get to walk around with your fucking iPad and your GoPro. Oh shit, I got a GoPro for my birthday. I'm such a hypocrite. I wanted to get one of those things. And I'm toying with the idea of doing that show, the how long can he go, which is basically me pulling out of the driveway in my house. And then you see how long I can go without snapping on people. But I just don't want to make myself look like a fucking lunatic. Because I feel like I've built up a great reputation for being even keeled on this podcast. All right, let's do a little fucking advertising reads here for the week. What the hell are we? All right, radio. Okay, MVMT watches, everybody. When you're

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blue aprons. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash burr, blue apron, a better way to cook. I bet that's a good way to lose weight too. All right, maybe I'll lay off the booze and start doing blue apron. All right, stamps.com everybody. Mailing and shipping are a routine part of your business. Important. Keeps your operations going. I swear to God that that was sort of a sentence. Important. Keeps your operation going dot, dot, dot. Hang on. What's up, Nia? What are we doing? I want to be a taco man. You making tacos? What are you making? Tacos. Tacos? But I mean, is it going to be anything special? Excuse me? What do you mean anything special? Come over here before you start yelling at me. I mean, like when you're making the tacos

tonight, are you going to add a little, little niny in there or are you just going to fucking do it by the box? I'm doing it by the box because yeah, I mean, it's just tacos. What do you, what would be different? I don't know. You always look in the fridge and you go, oh, you know what, I'll look at that. I didn't know we had bacon. I'll throw that in there. No. Well, you know what, there is a little something different. I take that back. I did throw something in there that might be a little unexpected. When we returned. What are you doing? What do you mean when am I done? Don't fucking talk to me like that. How far in are you on this thing? None of your goddamn business. 23 minutes. Ah, Jesus, Bill. This is going to go on for another hour.

Well, yeah, that's what I do. What are you talking about right now? I'm talking about stamps.com. Oh, have you talked about zip? No, I haven't. They're not on today. All right. No, they're not. I got to finish this. All right. Well, time it out. Well, you're going to like, like when you make them. Remember how Fred Flintstone used to come home? Well mom, coming through the door and she had to have the Bronto burger ready. It's ready right now. What? What are you looking for? What? Oh, you know, it's my John Daker. What? You know, it kills me. Somebody sent me a tweet and said that on the Opian Anthony show in 2005, 11 years ago, they showed me that. Somebody sent me that too. And they have absolutely no recollection

of that. How would I forget that? Because it was 2005. It was a long time ago. I know, but this is like, that's, that's, I still remember, you know, we're late. We're late. Charlie bit my finger. We're not late. I feel late. All these fucking assholes are, you just seen it now? It's like, yeah, I haven't had time to see everything on the internet. You fucking asshole. It's so stupid. The more I'm on this, I like just talking into the abyss. I got to stop fucking reading Twitter. I fucking hate people. You're addicted to Twitter. You are truly addicted to Twitter. No, just my phone. I'm not doing that either. I was looking today. I was looking up all Formula One drivers. I watched two Formula One races in a row. Now I need to know everything about this sport.

You're so rain man like that though. You like, that's what you like to do. Got to know everything, got to find out everything. Yeah. And I get it all in there and then I forget it. And then I move on to something else and that's probably why I fucking forgot that video. Yeah, probably. Do you know there's a Red Bull team in Formula One and I'm just sitting, I don't know that because I've just seen people wearing their jackets and jumpsuits and it's on the side of cars. How did you not see it if I know this? Well, I was thinking, well, there was the Mercedes team and then there was the Ferrari team and then there was like Red Bull. I'm like, they're a fucking drink. So I was like, well, who made their engine? Who made the car? And then they said it was... They're a sponsor. They said

it was Tag Heuer Renault. It's like, Tag Heuer is a fucking watch. It is. Well, when I type in, who makes your fucking engines? I don't want to hear about the watch people. Maybe you should leave out the fucking part. All right. Touche. I didn't know that that's how you get into Tag Heuer. But no, Red Bull is a huge brand. So of course they sponsor stuff like this. No, but they were saying, you know, the Ferrari, the Mercedes and then they would never say what kind of fucking... They never said the Renault. It's a French company making the fucking engine and I think it's a British team. And then they're talking about a fucking energy drink where the other guys got to be like Mercedes, Ferrari, and you got to be like, yeah, man, of course, those

guys are like, they've been doing it forever. And all of a sudden Red Bull shows up. The YOLO douche is a fucking Formula One and they don't even tell me who makes their engine. I mean, that used to be like a big fucking thing back in the day. The reason why you want it was you were proving you're the best car company. And then everybody's like, well, shit, Ferrari won the last five. I'm going to buy a Ferrari. Not everybody. People could afford it. So I'm still confused. What's your problem with Red Bull? I didn't like how... I want to know who's making that engine that's winning the fucking race. Can I give a fuck about the drink?

Okay. So you haven't been able to figure out who makes the engine in this one particular race car? No, I had to look it up. This fucking young punk kid was not letting the guy who won the first three or four get past him to get into fourth place and the guy got impatient. And I knew he was gonna, because that's what I would have done. And I knew he was a little bit older. I'm like, oh, he doesn't have time for this kid. And he fucking tried to go around the right. And then he locked up to brakes and he spun out and he fucked himself out of like two spots on the last lap. And everybody in the crowd went, oh, it's exciting. So at the end of the day, you got the information that you wanted. It was just the fact that Red Bull was in there that you are annoyed by. It's

really hard to follow you sometimes. Okay. Mercedes is a maker of cars. Yes. So when I know it's the Mercedes team, I know that the engineers, the mechanics, whatever the fuck you call them, that that's their car. Okay. When they talk about the Ferrari team, I know that that's their car. I know who built the fucking thing. When you say Red Bull, who built the Red Bull car, it's harder to figure out. Hey, you want to hear? Oh my God. What the fuck? What the fuck? I already forgot. Are you on to another topic already? No, because that just reminded me how I always, it just reminded me of a drink. What my dad called Grey Goose one time. He goes, Hey, Bill, he goes, you're still drinking that

blue swan. You know what? It just occurred to me. That's where you get it from. That's where you get all that stuff. The last days of Dracula, two horse in a pool, you know, where'd the bitch go? Like you get that from him. Like you guys have a vague idea of what it is that you're talking about. What I'm doing the movie thing. So you're just like throwing out like signifiers. Like, you know, that there's the there's a girl and she's being slutty and there was a pool. So yeah, two horse in a pool and it's a vampire and they're doing some sort of an interview. So it's yeah, the last days of Dracula. Well, I know I'm doing more like the $10,000 pyramid, like I'm throwing out clues for the listener and then they just go, Oh, do you mean that?

I go, Yeah, I mean that because if I don't do that, I'm going to sit there going, and I'm not going to remember and then they're going to be tortured. So it becomes like a little game. You know what I mean? I wonder how you would do on that pyramid show because you know they're bringing it back. I would do horrible on that show. You would just give them if I was giving you those clues ever, right? Wouldn't you? Alright, you know what? Let's play right now. I'm going to get a fucking word and we're going to we're going to play right now. Alright, we'll do the couple of these. Get out of here. Get out. You got to get a microphone. Go get a microphone. I'm going to finish reading this fucking advertising here. Jesus Christ. I started this

like 20 minutes ago. Hey guys, remember way back in the day when I was talking about stamps.com? Guess what? They're still in business. Yes, she had dinner. Important keeps your operations going. I swear to God, that's still a sentence. But if you're making constant trips to the post office, that's the routine you need to change. There's a much more convenient way at stamps.com. Stamps.com brings all of the services of the post office right to your desk. Buy and print official US postage. I just realized you guys need to know what the fucking words are so you can play at home. Alright, the word's going to be okay, it's going to be Paris.

Something else in Tuat. I got to have something filthy in there. Tuat's going to be the last one. All right, Paris. Kardashians. And what else? God, what the fuck else? This is why I would suck at it. I certainly couldn't create the fucking show. Paris, Kardashian, Tuat. I need something before Tuat. Oh, Pippos. She'll get that one. I got to give her an easy one. All right, let's get back to stamps.com, everybody. Buy and print official US postage using your own computer and printer.

Print postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail. Then just hand your mail to the mail carrier. You'll never waste valuable time going to the post office again. So you can focus on what really matters, right? Banging that broad in the computer fucking next to you. Growing your business, I mean. I use stamps.com. Anytime I'm fucking selling posters at the end of my shows. Send them out. Go out there. I'm dumb if I can figure out how to use it so can you. Right now, sign up for stamps.com. Use my last name, Burr, for the special offer, four-week trial plus $110 bonus offer, including postage and a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the

homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com enter Burr. All right. Thank God that's over. So I'm not, that's not one of my strong suits. All right. How many minutes are we up to here? 32. 32. What's she going to do? She's still not back with the fucking microphone. Nia, it's in the closet. Good gravy. All right. We got, well, we got letters this week. We got somebody from Poland. Oh, some fucking musicians going to tell me there's no guitar on Chameleon. Of course, somebody's just got, oh, actually, that's not a guitar. It's a fucking xylophone. All right, whatever. How'd your band do? How's your band? All right. And she's back. Oh, you know what? I'm just going to hit pause so we can stop torturing people here. I love the

pause button now. Okay. And we're back, everybody. All right. Once again, it's time to play the fucking $10,000 pyramid. All right. Nia, you're up first. Will you be giving or receiving? I will be receiving. Is that what they say? Will you be giving or taking? Did they say giving or receiving? I don't fucking, it's something like that. You going to be giving the password or taking the fucking clues? All right, gun to your head. If you had to give a take. All right. Okay. Ready? Ready. Are we on the clock here? I guess. Add the tension. Can we get a fucking clock timer here? I'm going to get one of these on YouTube right now. No, we don't need to do that. All right. Here we go. Use the

stopwatch thing on the computer. No, the people at home, the fans at home got to hear a fucking clock going. All right. Okay, we're back. And there's only 33 seconds on this clock. So there's four things you got to get. Okay. Is there a topic or I'm just, just no, there's nothing. This is just random shit that came out of my head. You got, you got 33 seconds. Let's see how many you can get. Okay. All right. You ready? Ready. And here we go. Okay. This is a city. It's a, one of the great cities in the world. New York City. And people love it. And they talk down to you. They fucking hate you. Oh, you smell. Get out of my country. You stupid American. What? You're a stupid American. I'm

better than you. You like my beret? Paris? Yeah. Oh my God. Sticking in my twat. I'm going to marry a rapper. Hey, my dad doesn't, he has his dick, but he's a woman now. Kim Kardashian. Kris Jenner. Hey, we got to, I wonder what they're doing. Keeping up with the Kardashians. You got two. You got two. You want to keep playing? Your clues are horrific. Shut up. Stick this up my twat. My dad's a girl now. What? But he still has his dick. It's true. It's all true. Everything I said. Stick this up my twat. And that was supposed to be a clue. I was thinking she did a porno. All right. Let's do, let's, we got two more. All right. Here we go. You ready? So you, you got past the first.

It's just fun. All right. Here we go. You ready? Okay. Neil, you be, you be taking or receiving, giving or receiving. What the fuck it is? Receiving. Okay. Here we go. It's like you saying that. All right. Here we go. Starting three, two. All right. The, the, well, we're misunderstood. I didn't bite that male man. He looked at me first. Yes. All right. This is, this is something that you say and people get mad and it can, it can smell sometimes, but if it's a fresh one, it's great. And you're fucking stick it. You stick it. All right. It's between your legs. It's between your legs. vagina. Keep going. Pussy. Yes. Worst name. Worst name.

Worst. No, not as bad. Yes. You did it. You did it. Oh, that was great. That was great. Ever be asked to be on the pyramid show. That will never happen. That's gotta be like, so come on. That's a real show. You're gonna take work away from me. Oh, come on. Um, I will never be on a charades team with you. Oh, come on. I will never, I gotta come up with some and, and do you. Well, why don't you do it? Why don't you fucking come up with some and then I'll do it. How about that? All right. Didn't you just say that? Yes, Bill. All right. Why don't you?

No, I got it. We'll do it. We'll do it on Thursday. Okay. We'll do it on Thursday. All right. You come up with, you got, we got the quick little timer there. I know. Stick it on my twat. Actually, I probably disqualified the last one because I used the word twat when I was trying to get the Kardashians, right? Hey, I'll marry you around. Hey, look what we're doing over here. Keep it up with the Kardashians. It worked though. It did work. What do you want from me? All right. Coming off a bender here. Hey, it's a rough one. You know, all right. Did you talk about your birthday? Yes, I did. I had a great time. I had, it was a whole birthday weekend. Yes, it was. It was. I had my own little

sad alcoholic one the night of my, where you were stoned sober and you watched me and Joe DeRosa just fucking, we were having fun. You were having fun. That's true. But eventually I had to leave. Yeah. Well, you went partying. So you know what are you going to do? And then, you know, last night was phenomenal also. And then I went down to the improv. Ben Bailey was in town. The great Ben Bailey. Yeah. Yeah, we hung out. We had a couple of drinks, just fucking laugh and tell the stories. And DeRosa was down. Yeah, it was a great time. You know, and I got to go to work tomorrow. So let me read these things. And I'm going to go. This was fun. I'm going to go have a taco. All right. I'll see you in a little bit. Okay. Thank you for playing. We have a wonderful edition of

our home game for you. I think you got it. I think you actually got the two right in the end. All right. Here's somebody else I'm late to the party with on YouTube, but I'm sure I'm not the only one, right? Isn't that a song? I'm not the I'm not the only one with mixed emotions. You guys seen this kid that just it's it's fucking hilarious. I feel bad because he's got some sort of issue, but like he just he just fucking goes around and he tells people this Charlie is it Zelenoff? He just fucking goes into gyms and tells people that he's the greatest. And he goes, let's spar and they have no fucking clue. You know, he just goes in and he fights an accountant and the accountant just kind of puts his gloves on and this kid swings for the

fences and fucking knocks out an accountant and turns around. You can see that one punch knocked out an accountant deck and he's like that guy was a Marine and he talked all the shit. He actually started calling up professional fighters. And I was surprised that some of them actually took time out of their day to fight the guy. And I mean, it's some of the most compelling shit I've ever seen a granted they have like 74,000 hits, 219,000 hits, 105,000 hits. So once again, I'm sure you're just finding out about it now. Yes. Yes, I am. Have you watched the YouTube video that it just shows how the fucking differential works? How the fuck did you miss that? Oh, that's right, because you don't have time to watch all of it. All right. So if you get a chance,

watch this kid, Charlie Zelenoff. Oh my God, he's got the flip phone and he just calls this guy, he keeps calling this guy a fucking clown. I don't know a lot about like people's names and shit, but I will say this about the kid. He's got the fucking balls to go in there, man. I wouldn't do that. Anybody can call up a professional boxer and talk shit, but to actually show up for the fucking match. I don't know. He fought Floyd Mayweather Sr. and then he was losing. So he stepped out of the fucking ring and then stepped back in and tried to sucker punch the guy and then somebody jumped in like bare knuckle, beat him down. It's just insane. Anyways, you got it. You got to watch it. Charlie Zelenoff. I'll spell it for you. Z-E-L-E-N-O-F-F. I hope he doesn't get

hurt and I hope he doesn't hurt anybody. But he talks shit like, who is that fucking Will Forte character? Calhoun. What the fuck was his first name? Wait, Will Forte? Calhoun. Tim Calhoun. Tim Calhoun. I, Tim Calhoun, think that we should sell the Statue of Liberty. He talks shit like that. He's on the phone going, you're a fucking clown. I'm going to come down there. I'm the greatest of all time. You've been ducking me for years. You're a fucking clown. He never raises it up. It's some of the best shit talking I've heard just as far as a unique style. So I've got to give it up for that, but it's definitely some of the more bizarre shit that you're going to watch, which of course set me down a rabbit hole of watching people fight. And I saw the bus driver that

throws the uppercut at that girl who's fucking screaming at him. And I know you're not supposed to hit a woman, but in defense of him, he led with an uppercut. And I watched what happened when Buster Douglas did that. So in a way, I thought that that was a generally move before he grabbed her by her hair and threw her off the bus. I know the things that I find entertaining. I know I'm out of my mind. All right, Poland, everybody. I got a letter from Poland. Hey, you freckled face fucker. Why won't you come to Poland? It's beautiful when we have great alcohol. I would love to go there. What the fuck? Because I live on the other side of the world and you're the first guy that's asked me to go there. Maybe

I've had like maybe three emails. I'll go there. I'll stand there in front of five of you. Charles Brunson looking motherfuckers. I'll stand over there in front of you. I don't give a shit. I heard you got nice beaches up north and there's a nice town down south. I don't know about Warsaw. I don't know what's going on there. Do you guys still have horses in your army? Have you fucking updated your shit? You know, you still live next to Germany. You know, you got to watch out for those cunts. That was a cheap shot. All right, it's beautiful. We have alcohol. All right, just a question. When will you come to the fucking Saudi Arabia or Dubai or Kuwait? I don't know when they like us. I'm not going over there and getting kidnapped and getting

my head sawed off on fucking YouTube. Hey, it's Bill Burr just checking in on you and they fucking, you know, you'd have to say something. Nah, you couldn't because then you'd have to worry that they do something even worse to you. I wait till right as they got through the jugular. Oh, man, I would do a quick little Philly set on just say everything that would piss them off, which I would say. Would I? No. You know what? I would be rocking and crying. I'd be a bitch. How the fuck did you just sit there waiting for them to saw your fucking head off? I know that doesn't happen in Saudi Arabia, but if you steal something in Saudi Arabia, they chop your fucking arm off. I don't need that pressure. I don't fucking need that.

So we just could just throw something stolen in your bag because they stole it next thing. You know, I'm going to chop, chop square, right? Granted, I don't know shit about any of these countries. All I know is that we've thrown enough rocks at the beehive over there. I don't feel like going over there and getting stung. It's it, right? Dubai. Yeah, I'd love to go to Dubai where they got a, where they got slave labor that built the whole fucking thing and they confiscated their passports and the number one cause of death with them is suicide. I can't go there and support that shit. That whole fucking city, it looks like, uh, like the Kardashians designed it. It's beyond fucking cheesy. We got the tallest building in the world, do you? Kuwait, I got no problem with

that. Saudi Arabia scares me. Dubai. When you start paying the people that build the skyscrapers, I'll go there and, uh, Kuwait, uh, you know, I don't know. I mean, you guys should kind of like us, right? We helped you out in the early nineties. Well, didn't we? I don't know. I have no idea. That part of the world scares me. I've connected in Dubai when I was coming back from Mumbai, India, but I just hear all these horrible stories that they promise all these people, um, in Asia, that you're going to come over there. There's all these jobs. You're going to make all this money and then they come over and they confiscate their passports and they don't let them fucking leave. And, uh, they see no way out and they kill themselves. I don't know if that's true. I don't

know if it was that or if that was at Walmart. I forget. All right. Hey, Billy Funkface, there's no guitar on that Herbie Hancock album. Uh, the bass player, the bass is played by Herbie on a synth in Paul Jackson. The bassist, uh, plays the guitar line on the higher register of the bass. I never fucking knew that. Love the podcast and stand up. Let's jam some, see that. I made fun of you. And then what did you do? You taught me something. Um, all right. X men and sexism. Hey, B is for Bill. I haven't seen the billboard. Rose McGowan is upset about, and I agree with your assessment on the situation, but I think you mischaracterized the effect of displays of male dominance over women. I mischaracterized it. Is that a word? Um, it's not that someone sees a picture of a man choking

out a woman that thinks it's okay and then goes and does it himself. Rather it's like a piece of a puzzle. Is this one of these fucking agenda people again? A guy sees a picture of a man choking out a woman. Then he sees a picture of a man yelling at a woman. Then he sees a picture of a woman being backhanded by a man. You get the point. You see how they do this? You see how he just led me across the fucking river to his side? Like I'm that fucking stupid. No, I don't get your point. This is what I understand. A kid fucking sees his parents. Okay. If the dad beats the shit out of his mom, his entire fucking childhood, I understand that he'll either not do it or totally fucking do it. I understand that, but this whole fucking thing that you see images and then you do

shit. Okay. I watched a fucking racing car with Red Bull on it all day today. There's no fucking way I will ever drink it. Certainly would not put it in with some vodka ever. I have no desire to ever drink that fucking drink. Human beings are way more fucking complex than the cartoon version. You know what I mean? Like when people have meltdowns and people film it and then like, you know, people are just, oh, he did that then. Therefore, he is that. It's just people are way more complex than that. And you don't just see a picture of this and then see somebody yelling at this person and blah, blah, blah. That's all it. It just takes billboards and TV shows. And then all of, all of the way that I was raised goes out the window.

I can tell you this, sir. All right, with your little fucking Fisher price fucking point here that you're making is when I was a kid, the amount of violent fucking movies I watched all the Friday the 13th. I watched all the fucking nightmare on Elm streets. I watched all the Halloween's Halloween three, one of the worst fucking movies ever season of the witch. I watched all of those things. I saw Scarface when I was like, what the fuck old out 15. I saw all of that shit. Okay. And I could tell you this. I never went out and killed somebody. So explain that to me. I never hit a woman. I never did any of that. So I just, I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that. I having said that, I agreed with them

saying that, you know, you could have picked a better picture. You know what I mean? I just looked at the picture and I was like, I don't want to see a woman getting choked. I don't want to see that. You know, I don't want to look at that. Fast forward to where she breaks out of the choke hold. I'd like to see that. Anyways, let's continue on with this. You get the point. I fucking, I can't stand people. All right. After a while, the man sees the overall picture that our culture condones dominance over women. It's a piece of the larger cultural trend. This is literally paint by numbers. Like this is, this is all the shit that you see on TV. This type of thing happened a lot in old movies. Just watch any Humphrey Gabogat movie. Movies can

play a huge part in reinforcing gender inequality in, in a culture. Can I ask you a question, dude? Oh, lady, whoever the fuck this is, do you ever see anything else in movies? Do you ever see anything else in movies? Do you just see what the man does to the woman? So what about now all these other movies? You know, so then I guess you would then agree that the latest Mad Max was an anti-man movie because I didn't see the movie, but evidently the Mad Max guy doesn't do anything and the woman takes the reins. So judging that this is the way that you view X-Men, then you must certainly see that the last Mad Max was obviously, you know, whatever, reverse misogynistic. What is that fucking word for someone who hates men?

I always forget it because it's never used. It's never brought up. It's just called being a strong woman. Hatred of men. Ms. Sandry. I don't know if I'm saying it right. M-I-S-A-N-D-R-Y. Do you see it as that? I just don't think people are that simple. I think, I really believe that when someone is a little kid, okay, if they're a little kid and they're in your house and you're their parents, I really believe that whole thing that your words become their thoughts 100%. I don't believe that people like, you're with your kid every fucking day of your kid's life up until when, I don't know, the first time they go away, the first 10, 12 years before they ship them off to camp, or even if you don't do that, you could basically be with them almost every fucking day of their life

for the first 15 years of their life, okay? And you're telling me that movie billboards and movies and that type of shit will undo all of your parenting? I can look, I can see some shit that you'll see a movie and it makes you want to go out and fucking, you know, play cowboys and Indians like we did, you know, but I never really went out and fucking killed anybody, right? I don't, I don't, I don't agree with that. I don't, I understand that the images are bad and that type of shit, I definitely get all of that, but the fact, I can't make that leap that then it's all floating around in my head and next thing you know, I punch my wife in the face and it's not because I'm a bad guy and had a bad father, it's because I saw too many movie billboards

in scenes and movies. I just, to make, to give movies that level of fucking power, I, I, you know, I don't know, you want to fucking make me go get a beer? Okay, I'll go buy a candy bar, but I just don't see myself, you know, uppercutting some old lady in the food line because I saw the wrong movie fucking billboard. I disagree with you. Agree to disagree, sir. Or man, all right. Fiancé's parents are evil, but I can't do anything about it. All right, so I'm getting married this month, super excited to marry the love of my life. Congratulations by the whole experience, but the whole experience is going to be awkward and weird because their parents don't like me. In fact, they hate me. Oh, Jesus, I'll not give you the whole, what does she come from money and

you're fucking Billy Joel? You marry an uptown girl, huh? You're singing in your garage? Let's see, I'll not give you the whole convoluted story, but the upshot is that they're conservative, upper-class, highly successful Latin American business types, while I'm an Australian middle class, lefty arts graduate. I knew they came for money. Anyway, we've been together for almost a decade now, and even though I know they've said horrible things about me behind my back and tried to talk her into leaving me numerous times, they've always been pleasant to my face. Oh, that's even worse. That said, there were a few years there where they didn't talk to either of us after we told them we wouldn't baptize the hypothetical children we still don't have,

but we don't mention that. Okay, so you guys are agnostic or something? I don't know. Basically, it's going to kill me to have to look at their stupid fucking heads on my wedding day. We only invited them out of a sense of obligation, but now it's hitting home that I'm actually going to be part of this family now. What I need is a long-term plan of attack to survive the next few decades until they shuffle off this mortal coil. I know living a happy life with their daughter should be all the revenge I need, but if you saw her father's face, you'd want to give him the right there, Fred, too. Guess I need some kind of middle ground. Any advice? Fanta nuts? I don't even know what that means. Go fuck yourself. Come to Australia. Imagine that's some sort of red

nut over there. I have no idea. Oh, Joe Barnick just texted me, said, smiling like the butcher's dog. Good for him. All right. Any advice? The most important thing that you said there is that you're realizing that you're marrying into this family, and that is something that you never really fucking think about enough. I don't think enough people do until you just picture this person is going to hold your child someday and want to take the kid to a ball game, you know, or whatever. So there is that, but I don't know. The only way to do it, there's one way to do it. You could just try to kill the guy with kindness, or you could just sit down and look at the guy and just say, look, man, who's kidding who? I know you don't like me.

I know you're just being polite out of, you know, respect for your daughter or whatever, but you don't have to be nice to me anymore. You know, we can see each other on the holidays or whatever. Anytime you want to come over, don't say that. Don't say you don't want to come over. Oh, Jesus. That would drive me nuts if the guy was being phony nice to me. I would at some point, you know, have to say to the guy, listen, you don't, maybe he's just say that, go out golfing with the guy and just say, listen, man, I don't want to be any more of a thorn in your side than I already am. Just know that you don't have to pretend to like me. Okay. Then he just fucking walks off the first tee. I got to be honest with you, dude, I don't know what to tell you.

These are tough ones, man. This is really fucking, how close do you live to them? That's another one. You know, if you guys live a state away and you only see him three, four times a year, you can tough out a couple of weekends. You know what I mean? However, if, you know, if they live right down the fucking street, you know, and then they don't approve of you and then you have a kid and then they're going to question how you're bringing it up and they're already getting involved. They're already, I can tell you this, they're already way too fucking involved. All right. This is the deal. You can say whatever the fuck you want about whoever your kids dating until they get married. Once they get fucking married, you got to back off, you know, unless

it's obviously something horrible. The person's one person's abuse and the other person, but like, they got to back the fuck off. So maybe you got to have that conversation. Just be like, listen, I know you don't like me, but I love your daughter and she loves me and we got married. So you need to deal with that. Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, you need to deal with it. We got married. All right. So I don't need you coming over here, giving me the fucking stink face in my own house. All right. You already did it once. You do it again. I'm going to take your head and stick it right in the fucking ice box. All right. I fucking had enough of you. Yeah, fuck this guy. I have no good advice for this for you, sir. I don't know what to tell you. I just hope it works

out, but don't take any shit from the guy. And when it comes to you and your wife, I would just make jokes about it. You know, I'd be like, Hey, you know, I'm going to go hang out with your dad today. She's like, really? No, he hates me. Remember? Whatever, you know, just keep it light. Um, but don't joke about it too much. Cause then she'll say, but it really bothers me that he doesn't like you. I want everybody to like each other. Sir, um, I think you're going to be okay, but I'm not, I'd be lying to you if it's like seven, if I didn't tell you that 17% of me thinks that you're really fucking stepping into some shit here. But you know what? Everybody gets married does so. Good luck to you. Good luck to you, but don't take any shit from that guy. I think you

can get to the mom. You can get something. You can charm her. Right? I bet you can charm her. And once women are more forgiving, right? Until they're not, and then they'll fucking kill you in your sleep, but generally speaking, they're fucking more forgiving. And I think if they, if she really sees the love between the two, she could back off and then that's what you do. This is what you do. You divide and conquer. Fuck him. All right. I think I'm on to something. Fuck that guy. Make, make her mom love you. All right. That's it. And then she'll start nagging at him and he'll either go one or two ways. He'll either give in and eventually like you or two, he'll, it'll fucking eat him up and he'll die sooner. All right, Jesus. Had to go all the

way to there, Bill. Yeah, evidently it did. All right. Last one. Here we go. Dating an older guy. Oh, hey, Bill. I'm a 22 year old female from Slovenia, Slovenia, modal. Thank you for the podcast. It makes me laugh out loud, which not many things can do. That's fucking great. I would love to go over there at some point also that Eastern European tour is going to fucking happen. I just have to have time in my schedule. Cause all of those countries I've never been to from fucking Lithuania and fucking Astoria, whatever the fucking that other one is up there all the way down through Romania and back up. All I know is, is if I can fucking somehow get over and see all those countries, get a bunch of different stamps on my passport,

I'm into that shit. Plus I have one of those places like Prague or something has all those art deco, all that art deco furniture that all the places over here they order it from for nothing and then jack it up over here. What do I do? Buy a desk over there and ship it fucking around the world like I'm going to save any money. That's a stupid idea. Anyways, I'm 22 years old. Okay. I would love to hear you take on my situation. I'm a university student and I play sports professionally here in Slovenia. Keeping busy working out about eight times a week. My first coach since I was like 12 years old is now my really close friend. Oh my God. His name isn't Woody, is it? He's since moved on to coach internationally. I almost said couch coach internationally,

but we still keep in touch. He knows me from when I was a little girl and he used to always tell me I was like his younger sister, but recently I noticed he switched his approach. Gross. He's a 35 year old single guy. Oh my God, the fucking red flags. I can barely see the type here anymore. And he only comes to Slovenia in July through August. We were always able to talk for hours, tell failed attempts at dating to each other and generally get along better than I have ever gone along with anybody in my life so far. He's always made me laugh, compliments my personality and how good I look, but never in a creepier disturbing way. Okay. All right. My experience with guys my age was never like that. I'm not trying to say I'm too mature for them,

but I would always compare them to him and they would mostly bore me and connection was never there as much as it is with him. I feel like boys my age are pushovers, at least those I had experiences with and I feel they couldn't offer me in a relationship more than this older guy offers me in just a friendship. Yeah. And also when you're 35, this guy's going to be 50. So there's also that and then you're still going to want to go out and he's going to be ready for nap time. So know that too. And he's 35. He's almost out of the league. If you're an athlete, you know what I mean? 35, that's when you're going to start taking the illegal drug drugs, you know, to hang around for the next couple of seasons, right? Anyways, she says, anyways,

we are hanging out a lot during this summer and I feel more and more vibes and attempts from him. He takes me out to eat and drink. He's always asking me somewhere. I, I, I know he's putting the moves on me. My issue is that I know, I know we are in different stages of our lives. I know he wants to get married and have children too. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. You're 22. You got the whole life ahead of you. When the fuck did he start hitting on you? Yeah. Now this isn't fair. This is like shooting fish in a barrel. You've known him since he was, you were 12. No, no, no, no. Stay away from this guy. This is how I know this guy is a creep because even I wouldn't do this. Okay.

Fucking walk away, sir. Stand down. I most certainly am not ready for anything like that. Children and all that shit she's saying. I like to go, I like to drink, go out my friends, getting compliments from guys, all to soothe my self-esteem, which is not fully developed yet. Exactly. I'm still finding myself and I know you will interpret this as I want to fuck around. No, I don't, but this is not really the case. I actually want to find a right person and fall in love. Well, you're very mature for your age, actually 22. I'm dodging his attempts and usually laugh him off when he puts the moves on me. Get away from this guy. I don't want to read this. It's making me uncomfortable. Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. I don't give a fuck. Fuck this shit.

Fuck this. She said, sorry if that was hard to read. My English is a little rusty. Your English is tremendous. Yeah. Stay away from this guy. All right. I can't even, that was so disturbing to me that I can't remember if he's still currently your coach. Anyways, I feel more vibes. Wait, I might wait. Where the fuck is this thing? I got to find my first coach since I was 12. He's since moved on to coach internationally, but we still keep in touch. All right. I don't know when the fuck he moved on, but was he, he's, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Fuck that. All right. Listen, this is what you got to hold on to. Okay. The fact that you feel the way that you do when you're 22 years old, there is somebody out there your age that is like you.

And if it was easy to go out and find love, everybody would find it. All right. But the problem is, is, you know, you got to, you got to go through a bunch of mistakes first. All right. So, um, I don't know you. I don't know him, but this is not the person you're going to settle down. Don't, don't fucking do this. Don't do it. All right. He's got way, way too much of a mental advantage on you at 35 and 22 and he could really fucking hurt you. Um, I say you deal with the fact that you find guys your age are not mature and, um, you're going to run into somebody who is, you sound like you're really good looking. You're into sports, right? You're getting these compliments when you go out. So you probably have like these fucking, uh, yolo douches hitting on

you, which you need. Do you know what you need? You need a nerd. I think you need a nerd. Go find some fucking kid that likes to read. You know, he probably has an idea to build an app, whatever these fucking kids are doing. That's what you want to do. You don't want to go fuck around with your 35 year old creepy. He, I really want to get married and have kids. Oh, do you do you? That's why you're hitting on a 22 year old. You piece of shit. Yeah. Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. All right. Uh, I would, uh, yeah, stick with people your own, roughly your own age. All right. And that's coming from an older creep like me. So you know, it's good advice. All right. That's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it and, uh, congratulations to Pittsburgh Penguins fans.

And you know what? Also to San Jose shark fans. I know I've been there plenty of times seeing the Bruins losing finals to all those great Edmonton teams. Um, so my condolences, but hey, you actually got to the finals and you got a great team to build on. Um, and that's it. One down, one to go. The NBA ends and, uh, I guess I'll start watching a little bit of baseball, but I'm, I think I'm going to stick with the formula one racing until I get the football season. We'll see what's up. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on Thursday. Yeah, so was a spaghetti bolognese with liquor beer. Download the Maiden lesson app and cook me.