Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-22

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Bill rambles about math tears, fighting back against the robots, and righteous vegans.

Because you just heard from his head, that your baby shampoo is almost gone. Fortunately, it's today with bizarre good deals that you have to share. Just like today, naive personal care and baby care. Now with up to 30% discount on that vice prize. Score all the deals in the App van Bolpen.com. How's it going everybody? How was your weekend, Ben? Is it been good? Did you have a good one? I hope you did.

Look at this. It's already June 13th. The summer is just flying by. You know? Have you taken the time to fill up your above ground pool yet? Get in there after a couple of sliders. You know what's great about an above ground pool? You know, as an adult, if you drown in an above ground pool, it's just like... You know, I gotta Google that at some point. There's no fucking way. There's no diving board. Your feet are on the ground.

I mean, it's basically a giant... It's like the iced coffee version of like a fucking hot tub. It's for everybody. Everybody just stands there. They have the elbows on the edges. The above ground pool. You know what I mean? It's a great way to clean your driveway at the end of the fucking season. You just open that door, let it all run out. Neighbors across the street with both arms out. The classic... Fucking serious.

And then you hit him with the eyebrows up. Like is there a problem? You know those silent fucking things you have with your neighbor? He's got his arms out. You got your eyebrows up. Whoever talks first loses. Dude, I am absolutely fucking obsessed with power washing. I got this... I don't know what the fuck it is. These berries. Cherries berries? Not cherries berries. These are just regular berries. I wouldn't eat them because I know some berries are...

They're poisonous according to some of the fairy tales that I used to read. Can you say fairy tales anymore? Is that considered homophobic? There's not one gay character in this. Sorry. The... what would you call it? The... Light Nalofa's tales. Whatever the fuck you're supposed to say. Anyway, yeah, you don't eat the berries. The witch makes you eat them, right? I love how the stepsisters were ugly. I didn't buy that part, you know, that Cinderella was gorgeous and the stepsisters were ugly.

They should have made the stepsisters, you know, beautiful anyway. I mean, they already established that there are a couple of cunts. So like, why do you gotta do the double whammy where they're cunts and they're ugly? I gotta be honest with you, there's not too many ugly cunts out there. You have to have a certain level of beauty to be a cunt. That's not true. Look at me. I'm a cunt's cunt. Anyway, it sounded good. Sometimes things in your head sound good and you say them out loud.

You like the math doesn't add up on that. Jesus Christ, that just brought me to some bad fucking memories. Solving problems during a test in math class. Then you do this and you carry the wand. First outside, inside, last, and this doesn't fucking add up! The worst one. The worst one was when you had the answer and you had to come up with the fucking question because when you just had to come up with an answer, when they just gave you a question, you had that hope that, hey, you know, maybe I got it.

I mean, it felt good. You know, my hand wasn't shaky when I wrote those numbers. Maybe, uh, who knows? I mean, a broken clock's right twice a day, isn't it? All right. You had that. You had that. You had that going for you. But when the answer was already there and the question didn't add up, you know, it's when your bottom lip started going like- Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Are you crying?

No. There's no crying in algebra 2 and trig? Stay after class. I want to talk to you. All right. Fucking class. Bell would ring. And you start walking out like, you know, hoping he forgot what he just said to you 45 seconds ago. You know, Mr. Burp. I believe we had a little clumpy, man.

Your friends laughed. They went off to lunch to go eat a square fucking rectangle slice of pizza. Also known as a grandmother slice, a Sicilian slice, a bathroom tile, a fucking carbohydrates. There you go. You know, it's usually served with a side of green beans or something fucking stupid. Whatever they had left over is a vegetable to make it seem like they were trying. You know, that's all you had to do back when I was coming up in school. Something gross and then like a fucking whatever vegetable is left over and it's just like,

hey, you know, what do you what do you want for fucking 95 cents? Then it was a dollar five fucking assholes. Just just call it a dollar. Fuck gets you walking around with nickels. Now here's your five nickels for the week. And here's your five dollars. Keep these together. These are a set. Okay, Ma. Actually, that's not true. I didn't even had to bug my fucking parents for lunch money. You know why? I had a fucking job.

I was out there every morning delivering the papers, the papers. By the way, rest in peace, Ray Leota. One of the greatest actors of all time. Unreal. You know, I didn't even bring that up on the last one. I think I was just so in shock that he passed. I actually got to do a couple of scenes with him in a movie called Date Night. Starring Steve Carell and Tina Fey way back in the day. Work with Toraji P. Henson.

That was my first foray into Wow, this is a big movie. I remember going into the hair and makeup and there he was fucking Ray Leota with that. Amazing head of hair. And I was whole Billy, you know, balding face at that point. I was like, God, Jesus, that's what a movie star looks like. And he was nice. This can be and funny as hell. And when they said action, he just became like a fucking lunatic in the best way. It was fucking amazing.

I do remember there was an X and extra on that movie. And in that scene and the kid came up to me and he told me he was from Boston. And then he knew Mark Wahlberg. And I said, oh yeah, he's on this movie. And the kid went, oh yeah, is he? I was like, you don't know this guy. So he's one of those guys, right? So we shoot the scene and the fucking scene ends and it was downstairs at a bar.

I remember we shot in downtown LA and we did the rest of the movie in New York. And the scene ended and Ray got up and he was walking up the stairs and this fucking extra made a beeline for him and was on his hip the whole fucking way up talking about some script that he wrote. And I remember just wanting to tell the kid like just dude, leave him. That's not the way you do this. Leave him alone. And he was nice about it.

He's like, oh, you know, I don't know. It sounds like a good idea or whatever. And somebody should have gone over and rescued the guy. But I just remember thinking like that kid, this is one of those kids who just didn't fucking get it. It's like, that's not how you're going to get the thing made. Anyway, so yeah, I got to do a couple of scenes. I got to do a scene with them. And we were in New York on top of that silver cup studios out there in Queens.

We shot the end where we come in and we arrest all the bad guys. I believe my line was, let me see your hands. That's all I had, you know, the fucking Billy Freckle face plays a copper fireman. That's what I that's what I play either that or a ginger and outer space. So anyway, yeah, he was really, really a just a nice guy. And he was fucking amazing to watch. And it was hard to focus on the scene too. Because I remember standing across like that's fucking really really Yoda.

I'm doing a scene. I got two and a half lines in a scene with one of the good fellas. Fucking amazing. So I'm very thankful that I had a chance to work with them ever so briefly and obviously super bummed and devastated that he's gone. So anyways, what was I talking about earlier math? How the hell I got on that? I'm sorry.

I'm in a fucking bad mood. I just walked up this, you know, out here to my garage here to do the podcast. And I just see this little bird just on the ground, like lean into one side. And I'm looking at it like, why aren't you flying away? And then I looked at it like, oh, you're at the end. And like, I don't know what to do. And I'm like, what does it do now? It just stays there until some reptile realizes there it is.

Now, if I was a liberal, like a lot of people think I am, which I like to think I am. I always think I'm liberal till I talk to a liberal. And I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. You know, then I go, maybe I'm conservative. And I talk to a conservative. I'm like, this fucking person, it does not make sense. It really is amazing, depending on the jokes that you do, how people perceive you. Like I just did that Netflix thing, which I highly recommend you check out.

Bill Burr presents friends who kill. And I went out there and I'm like, all right, what am I going to do on this thing? I was like, I got all this COVID shit left over. I got that written house bit. I'll do those, those bits kill. And I know that, you know, the COVID shit's even though it's still going. It's a good time to get rid of this in the written house thing. Nobody fucking remembers him anymore.

I'll do this now, right? So I do that shit. And oh my God, I didn't even think about the material I was doing, right? So I get these fucking emails. No, not emails, tweets. That was the most unfunny fucking six minutes of my life. And I'm looking at the avatar of the person. It's like, I believe you're old enough to remember 9-11.

I don't, I want to say that that was probably a little less funny than whatever the fuck I did on that Netflix thing, right? And I couldn't figure out, and I got like, I don't know, I got like fucking half a dozen of those. Like really long, visceral fucking texts about how that was the worst thing that ever happened in comedy. And I was thinking like, Jesus, I didn't think I was that bad. And then I figured it out. I was like, oh, oh, oh, conservative snowflakes, they exist. Yes, they do. I thought it was a good bit, you know?

Made fun of fucking, I don't know, whatever. It's just a fucking joke, right? These fucking idiots. Oh my God, that was the most unfunny fucking, really? Well, you're on Netflix, you dumb cunt. What is there, 40,000 stand-up specials? Go fucking watch another one. Acting like you're powerless, you were smart enough to log on to fucking Netflix, you fucking mouth-breathing dope.

Just go fucking watch another one. You know, there's a bunch of shit that I watched during the year where I'm like, this is a steaming pile of shit. I never think to fucking, you know, find out who the person is and then at them, whatever the fuck you do. Just thought I'd let you know that I thought that that sucked. Anyway, so that's what I'm finding. I'm finding out during this new, this new time of doing stand-up that there's just really fucking sensitive people on both sides. And if you do a topic that they don't care for, then they're gonna break out, you know, I'm someone who has a sense of humor. But that bit about gender-neutral bathrooms had to have been the most unfunny thing I have ever seen.

I fucking lost a leg in a blender when I was nine. You know, they always have to have like some fucking horrible thing that happened to them to just show what a fucking bad day is in their life. But what are you gonna do? I guess it comes with the territory. I don't know, Netflix was happy with it and they signed my check. So, you know, good luck with your long tweet there, Missy. Fucking people. You know, I did, you know, by the way, I did, you know, offer the floor to people that are into guns. I wanted to hear what is your solution to these fucking school shootings?

Like, how do we solve this? Not take away your guns and your Second Amendment rights so everybody's happy? I don't know what the solution is, but I don't think the solution is comparing it to the Alec Baldwin incident. I'm just like, oh, all right. There's a fucking leap. What the fuck? I didn't even, that fucking logic was just like, what? So you're saying a fucking negligent homicide? I don't know who the prop master was on that set. I'm guessing he's related to Leon Lett, whoever the fuck that was.

It's a fucking deep cut for sports fans right there. I'm going back like 30 years. But yeah, I don't know how that compares to a, you know, pretending to be a cowboy, not knowing you have a loaded gun and killing somebody, as opposed to wanting to shoot up a school with a semi-automatic weapon and being able to just walk in as a fucking lunatic. I don't understand then going and doing that on purpose. I don't understand that comparison.

And once again, I'm saying I don't want to take away your guns. I just would like to find a solution, which I think, you know, everybody does. So why not ask the gun owners? That's my question. That is my question for you. And I've asked it twice and I am waiting here patiently. So when you're done cleaning your fucking rifle there, I would love to hear from you. And I'm not being a cunt either.

I'm actually, I'm legitimately asking because there's got, there's got to be a way. There's got to be a way to stop these things. And then let a certain portion of the American public that wants to own those guns still be able to go out in their backyard and fucking shoot, you know, I don't know, 860 empty fucking beer cans, whatever the fuck you do with that thing. Isn't a semi-automatic weapon, a semi-automatic weapon, isn't that like if you suck at shooting? That seems to me like you have a gun with training wheels on it. I feel like the real badass has just like a six shooter.

That's all you got. That's all I need. I just want to have like, you know, if I miss the first 38 times to have another 72 chances. Home protection. Yeah, just in case someday a platoon attacks me. There's another argument for it is what if there's a hostile government, which I do find interesting. It is a hostile government like I feel like it would work better if somebody invaded our country. You know what I mean, as opposed to a hostile government because then it's a home game.

And then they're like, all right, this guy has weapons and then they'll just have some nerd fly a drone into your fucking house and take you out while you're watching, you know, the third season of whatever the fuck you binge watching. You know, I think it's a better argument that you'd have it, you know, back in the day it was the Russians that it became. What was it? All Muslim people. Somewhere around 911 that happened or on 911 that happened. And then Russia was like, Russia was like John Travolta when he was making those look who's talking movies before he did Pulp Fiction again. Russia just like Pulp Fiction just came out and they're back.

Russia is back. They are a threat again. You know, you can't keep a legend down. Anyway, so I don't know what to do with this bird. I just fucking looked out there at standing up a little bit more. I don't know. Maybe it had a couple of pops at the wrong bird bath. Who knows?

Maybe there's some sicko in my neighborhood, you know, somebody gave him the wrong vodka for fucking his birthday. And he's like, I'm not drinking this shit. And he just fucking spiked the fucking bird bath. You know, it's great about being a bird though. When he comes to flight, you know, being semi into aviation like I am, you never have to worry about an engine failure. You know what I mean? What I have to do is just feel like, you know what, I got enough energy to make it from this tree to that tree. I can do this shit.

Nature is so fucking awful, man. You think, you know, if you could fly, you're good. Just think of all this shit as a human being. If you could fly all the fucking danger that you could avoid. But what does nature do? You know, it creates hawks and birds of prey. So you're on the ground and here comes a fucking cat. Those bird murdering sons of bitches, right?

You fly away and you're like, all right, yeah, go fuck yourself. Try jumping up here there nine lives. What do you say to that chicken of the sea? Go fuck yourself. I'll dive bomb you a couple of times. You're laughing. You know, little fucking chickadee flying around. Then just some Freddy Kruger, double Freddy Kruger gloves just comes by and fucking grabs you.

You're in the midst of doing one of the greatest things, feelings in the world, flight. You're in the midst of that and the fucking thing comes and just grabs you, flies you back to the nest, doesn't kill you. Because it's got to teach its new fucking Freddy Kruger, you know, offspring how to kill. Fucking brutal. Fucking brutal. I don't know. You know what I hate is when you watch one of those brutal animal videos where something's getting killed, which for some reason I'm always watching those things.

I find it fascinating. The really bad ones. There's always some douche in the comments have to be like, I know this is difficult to watch, but this is nature. Oh, is that what it is? I thought it was society. You know, just that whole like, like they're putting themselves like, I know you can't handle this, but I can because I understand nature, you know. You meet those white guys that sort of fancy themselves as Caucasian medicine men, like those fucking cunts are always in the comments. And they're always commenting too, on shit that's like happening, like in nature in like Africa, like they've ever seen anything fucking like that in their life.

Uh, Jesus, Bill. Jesus Christ, one fucking dying bird on your walk out to the garage and all of a sudden everybody's getting it. So gun nuts don't think that I'm against them. I actually have gone shooting a couple of times. All right. And I enjoyed the hell out of it. I like the fucking revolver. You know, I like the band velvet revolver.

I like everything about a fucking revolver. You know, I like watching that thing turn as I shoot rather than looking at the target. I like that they're usually silver makes it me feel like I have a valuable, valuable piece of, uh, I don't know, hardware metal in my hand. You know, I don't know. Maybe more liberals mean to go to a gun range and find the fun side of a gun, right? And then they're into guns too. And then maybe we could all just sit down and stop fucking typing capital letters at each other. I don't know.

Oh, Bill, why don't you fucking sing? We are the world while you're at it. You know what? I just might. There are fucking psychos walking into a fucking Walmart buying a fucking bazooka because it's there, right? Um, you know what you got to do? You just got to get like a fucking. They should just like parole X mobsters because those guys can read people like nobody's business and you just stick them at the behind the counter

at the fucking Walmart. And when some crazy fucker comes in, you know, and asks for one of those fucking guns, they just look at him. You want one of them? We want a fucking what? Listen, I don't think so, buddy. Take it easy. Why don't you fucking, uh, you live by Looney Tunes? Why don't you just fucking, uh, they got a whole aisle of every flavor Doritos you could ever fucking want one aisle over.

This is for this is for the same people. You go over there. I think they got a slingshot and fucking aisle five. Why don't you go fuck with that? You fucking lunatic. Um, tell you, man, one of the worst things we ever did. One of the worst things we ever did was we fucking we've shut down the nut houses. We shut down nut houses and then replaced those things with storage centers, allowing people to buy more shit than they fucking need.

Fill the ocean up with plastic in our streets with crazy people. Look at me connecting the dots. It all makes. Oh, when you do a podcast by yourself and no one can challenge you, it all makes sense. It all makes sense in my freckled head. I'm solving shit that I don't understand, but I'm going to keep on talking. All right. Um, all right, let's let's go positive here.

Uh, my son absolutely loves my old truck. So does my daughter. And, uh, I take them out. I take them up and down the driveway in it, you know, cause. Can't take kids in that thing. Right. Even if I had like a old school crew cap, I still wouldn't because it's like driving a toaster down the street. It's fucking hilarious.

So people look at those old trucks and they just do that fucking steal. Do a fucking Prius T bones you in that you're going to have to get hip replacement surgery. There was no say this is 50 years ago safety where you went through the fucking windshield with the steering wheel impaled into your chest. That's what you're driving. I have all the original suspension on that thing. I take a turn at like seven miles an hour. I have to reach under the bench seat and hold on to it so I don't slide into the door with my lap belt on. So anyway, um, my son is always, for some reason, has been afraid to get in my truck when it's in the garage because it's, you know, it's kind of dark in there or whatever.

And I, like, I would try to get him to go in and his little hands will like fucking grab my T shirt like I owed him money. Right. So I don't want him to have a complex. So I got him to, you know, sort of like, you know, pet the seat, like, nice seat, nice truck, nice truck. Right. So the other day, um, I think I was sweeping up the garage or whatever. I had the truck out and he got up after his nap and he just freaked out when he saw it. He was like, whoa.

He's like, that is truck. That is truck. And then he's just speaking gibberish, pointing at it. And I'm fucking cracking up. And I go, you want to go down and sit in it? And he's like, he's like, yeah, that's his big word. Yeah. Yeah.

Give him something. He's like, thank you. You're like, yo, I'm like, you're welcome. And he just goes, yeah. He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders. It's the funniest shit ever. Um, I'm going to try that on my wife tonight. I'm going to see you tonight.

I'm just going to be like, hey, sweetheart, I love you. She's going to be like, oh, I love you too. I'm just going to go. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what I don't know. But having kids is the greatest. It is the greatest fucking thing that could ever happen to you, man. It's amazing.

So anyway, they both love my truck. So I put my son finally gets in the truck. And I started it up and he's making, you know, he's imitating the engine. He's going, he loved it. Right. So I've done it a couple of times in yesterday. We were just sitting, you know, because I haven't driven it this

week, you know, busy with the editing, the movie. So I need to stab it up so the battery doesn't go dead on me. So I was heading on idle and he was sitting there with me and he was just watching my foot when I was just sort of revving the engine a little bit. And then he just looked up at me and he just smiled. And I was just like, oh my God, my son's going to be a car guy. My son loves trucks.

He fucking kid me and my daughter loves it too. I'm already teaching her how to shift the thing. Which I'm absolutely going to do. They're absolutely going to learn how to drive that thing without a doubt. But I kind of got the green light with the F-250, my dream truck. I always wanted to have a brand new F-250 regular cab four-wheel drive with the big fucking diesel engine that I could fucking tow a goddamn

house down the street, even though I don't know how to fix anything. I just fucking like it. Okay. It's funny, you know, I, when I bought my old truck, I remember this guy giving me shit. Yeah, you got a truck. I'm like, yeah, he's like, you going to put shit in the back of it? It's like, I like trucks.

Somebody buys a muscle card. You go, you're going to go down fucking, you race, you know, go down, go down to the airport when it shuts down and race somebody for fucking pink slips. No, you're allowed to have it. Why can't you fucking have a truck? Enough with the truck shaming people. So, um, what was I going to say?

They're both totally into the thing. And, uh, you know, these little electric cars that they make now that these kids can drive like my daughter, I put two hockey sticks down in the garage and we play like parking at Target. And she like backs in. She's like got her arm like around like the little plastic headrest, right? Of the passenger seat and she's looking over her shoulder.

I'm just fucking cracking up like she's going to know how to parallel pack by the time she's six. So, um, now that my, uh, my son is totally into trucks, I saw that they make an electric electric car. It's a little Ford F 150. And I'm like, I got to get him that. I got to get him that. I mean, how do you not, I already for his birthday,

I got on the Celtics, uh, track suit with a little pair of baby Jordan threes that had a little green streak in him, dude. He just, he looked like he was fucking a rookie on the baby Celtics. I'm not lying. My son's got a vibe. Toy is a vibe. He just, you know, you take a picture of him. He just kind of looks over, you know, like he just had a hit movie telling

you he's got a, he's the kid has got a vibe. And my wife is just completely enamored with them. It's the greatest thing ever. Um, so anyway, hey, how about the Celtics, uh, warriors? How about that series all tied up at two games apiece? Let's, how about a round of applause for the officiating crew doing their job in the NBA? Now they can let him play.

Now we're going to see who's the better team. The NBA officials have done what they're supposed to do. They have made sure that this fucking game is going to go at least six games, hopefully seven. Now I know they didn't have to intervene in the last game because Steph Curry went off, but if he didn't go off, then they would have gone. They would have done what they had to fucking do. And I'm not fucking saying that they're out to get the Celtics.

I'm saying they would have done that to the warriors if they were up two games to one. It's just, it's how it is. It's got to go long. People have to get to know these players. This is the new cast, the new Jennifer Aniston's, Courtney Cox, all of that. You know, we need a wacky next door neighbor. Every, every team seems to have to have one guy is a little crazy who says,

you know, says the things you're not supposed to say. I'm telling you, it's fucking cast like a goddamn movie. So I haven't really watched since game. I'll get, watch game one and two. And I was just like, all right, I can't. Yeah, game two, I just was like, I don't want to be behaving like an asshole in front of my kids. So I'm recording the whole thing.

I'm going to watch it win or lose because it's part of sports history. So I'm going to watch it because I'm, I don't know if you guys noticed. I'm not a big reader. All right. I'm not into the soliloquies there, but like, I'm not going to watch it while like my kids are around. And I just like, I just, you know what it is? I can't handle the NBA game.

I just can't handle the game where you're up by fucking 20 points. And then like three minutes later, you're down by five. It's just like I'm too, I don't have the emotional. I don't know the way I'm wired. I've had too many volatile moments in my life. I don't need to watch a sport that's going to give me a fucking heart attack. Like every five minutes, I just don't. Okay.

And then you combine the fact that, you know, you know, I'm not going to go off in the officiating anymore. I'm done. I'm done with that shit. So anyway, I had a great fucking weekend. It was my birthday weekend. Oh, Billy Boy's 54 54 and looking good. Looking good.

You know, I mean, I'm closer to the grave there, but I'm looking good. Okay. It's going to be a nice light box. Oh, I'm not doing that. I'm fucking cremating without a doubt. People like, well, don't you nervous? We're going to fucking burn you up. It's like, I'd rather.

Well, what am I going to die again? And if I die again, get it over with. I'll lay there for fucking. How long does it take? Even if it's fucking 20 minutes to turn into ashes, as opposed to if you're still alive, laying in the ground in the dark, waiting for the worms to come. Fuck that all day. Plus, you know what I mean?

It's one of the stupidest things ever to have a fucking grave. Here lies this fucking guy who's no longer here. You know, so stupid, so dumb, you know, especially with the environment. They should be using dead people as fertilizer. If we didn't eat so much shit, you know what I mean? Can you imagine that? All the McDonald's you ate going into the soil. That would be the fucking end of us.

I got to be honest with you. Well, all the fucking quarter pounds of cheese I've eaten in my lifetime. When they cremate me, dude, it's going to be a quick one. It's going to go up like a fucking bowling alley. And there's an old school expression went up like a fucking bowling alley. I don't know why they used to say that. I think I always wondered why. I only heard like a few people use that expression when I was a kid.

I remember asking somebody said, oh, it's the wax they put on the lanes. It's like, that sounds like you just made that up, made sense to me as a kid. I just remember I tried to use that expression when I was younger. I was like, yeah, it'll go up like a fucking bowling alley. And all my friends were looking at me like, what are you, 102 years old? Where the fuck did that guy? I was like, all right, I won't say that anymore. Sorry.

Sorry. I did a couple of sets this weekend. First one didn't go so well. Second one went great. I got a bunch of new shit already replacing the shit that the fucking conservative snowflakes, the six of them didn't fucking like. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go.

Ready to go. And I got, what do I got? Reading Wilkes Bear, Pennsylvania. This weekend coming up a couple other, whatever. I'm gonna run my one of my hour, make sure I'm ready to go for that shit. And then I also had a chance to play some drums. Also took my kid to a birthday party, drove him in the old truck, went swimming. Oh, Billy, big weekend.

Anyway, let me, let me do the reads here. If I talk your fucking ears off. The Red Sox, huh? Great road trip. 32 and 29 we are. We're up with three games over 500. And what I love is it doesn't matter how good the Yankees are doing cause there's the wild card now. It's insane.

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You know, you're wiping your ass with whatever they wrapped the flounder in. And you're eating like a fucking king. All you need is solar panels on top of your house and a gun turret. You got it Walmart. You're fucking good to go. Um, I'll tell you right now, do you know, that's what I love about people that know how to modify shit. There's somebody out there in a fucking military graveyard is taking a gun turret off of a fucking, one of those B 29 bombers, whatever the fuck they were, inverting it.

Oh, no, the one on top, you do take the one on top and just put it on, on top of your house. That's it right there. That's what you do. You get bulletproof glass, you get one of those, you know, probably has the fucking hand cranks, spin yourself around. No one's getting your shit. And right now, new subscribers can receive a free grilling bundle in their first order. Come on, man, the summertime, it's all about grilling convenience.

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That's butcherbox.com and use the code burr to claim this deal. Start stocking up on your free bacon. I'll tell you right now. Ain't no way you're going to get that guy out of that fucking house. He's got a lifetime worth of free bacon and fucking a gun turret from a big 29 bomber on top of his house. You want to go get him because I don't. I'd rather stay out here in this fucking perimeter and let him slowly eat himself to an early grave. That's our only option.

He's got a lifetime supply of fucking bacon. How much cereal you think he got in that house? Jesus Christ, Mark. Use your fucking head. Stamps.com everybody. Oh, I love stamps.com. You know, when you're running a small business, every second counts. Well, not if you're doing it right.

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What do you think we're doing over here? Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and enter code BR. B-U-R-R. You know, I mentioned a while back. I mentioned it. I floated it out there to see if you guys would take the hit. No, I didn't mention it. I was talking how I became a coffee drinker at 53, now 54 years old.

FOA. 53, 50 FOA. One, two, three. Tree was New York. Toyty Toyd Street. I remember that guy on the downtown six. Next stop, Toyty Toyd Street. I felt like I was in a Sylvester and Tweety cartoon.

So, I started with the cappuccino. I don't like regular coffee and then eventually just moved to espresso with nothing in it. No calories, no nothing. Just give me the fucking gas. And you know what I realized? The reason why coffee is so popular in this country? Because we don't have siestas. They don't let you take a nap in the afternoon.

That's what the fuck you need. That's what you're plowing through. If you get eight hours sleep, you don't need coffee in the morning. All right? But then what happens? You know, you get older. In the afternoon, your body's like, hey, why don't we just take, you know, little 10, 15 minutes. That's all I need.

The other day, I was in the editing room and I was laying on the couch in my writing partner. I go, you just edit the next few minutes. Just hang on a second. And I just put my sweatshirt over my head. I fell asleep for eight minutes. I fucking woke up. I felt like I had a double shot of espresso. I was ready to go.

I was chopping. I was slicing. I was dicing. So that's what I'm kind of realizing because I just took a fucking nap before I did this podcast. You know, I was laying on the couch. I'm like, God, I got to go out there and run my fucking freckled yap for a goddamn hour. And I was feeling tired.

I'm like, God, I just closed my eyes here for a second. You know what I mean? I fell asleep with my somehow my arms over my head because I put the pillow over my my eyes, my eyes. And I woke up eight minutes later refreshed and I couldn't feel from like my shoulders down because my fucking arms fell asleep. But I feel good. All right, somebody sent me this fifth fatality at the Isle of Man TT race.

I actually, when this came in, I usually just read him like as I'm talking to you guys, but that I had to look up. Now the Isle of Man race is on the Isle of Man, which is, I believe I was going to go to this thing. I had everything lined up. I was trying to line up a gig. I was going with my buddy in mind. I was going to go to this fucking thing before all this COVID shit happened.

And it's the most insane motorcycle race out there. They've had more deaths than years that they've had it. And these people just drive a million miles an hour through these little farm towns. I don't know how they do it, but they've had five fatalities this year alone. It says, Hey, Bill, really don't mean to spam you. Maybe you follow this news yourself, but two more fatalities today. I'm just morbidly curious about the TT race. I'm not that into motor racing, but I've threatened to go to it for years with my brother, who

is a big petrolhead. You might be interested in the story of the Dunlop family from Northern Ireland. Maybe you know them, know of them, I think is what you're trying to say. Dunlop like the tires and all of that stuff, big name in racing. The just is the most successful Isle of Man TT rider ever was Joey Dunlop. Oh, okay. With 26 victories over the years. Jesus Christ.

He was killed in a bike road race in Estonia in 2000. His brother Robert Dunlop had five TT victories. All right. Okay. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the Dunlop family from Ireland is some of the toughest people God ever created here. His brother Robert Dunlop had five TT victories. So, but in that family, they had a total of 31 victories.

He was killed in a road race in Northern Ireland in 2008, the Northwest 200. Robert had two sons, William and Michael, and they featured in the documentary road. Oh, they are featured in the document, the documentary road. Well, I'm watching that, which is worth checking out. William was killed in a bike road race just outside Dublin in 2018. My God. Jesus Christ. This is like a reverse Pixar movie.

His brother Michael, who has lost his uncle, father and brother still races bikes and won two events in the Isle of Man TT this year. He is now third on the list of most wins. The mentality of some of these riders is fascinating. All the best. I mean, it's got to be the most interesting interview ever. All right. Isle of Man.

Roger Bradley. Roger and Bradley stalked and died in a sidecar crash. So, this was a father and son had been killed in a car in a crash during the racing of the Isle of Man TT organizers have confirmed the pair from crew. I hope I said that right. C.R.E.W.E. Both died as a result of the incident at Agos Leap. Oh, boy.

During the second lap of the second sidecar race on Friday, passenger Bradley 21 was a newcomer to the event while his father, Roger 56, last competed at the TT in 2017. Five riders have now died at the event this year. Holy shit. I got to be honest. The Isle of Man is the closest thing to what racing was back in the day in the 50s and 60s where people, like you got in the car and you were seriously risk, just a car, you were seriously risking death.

I've recommended this book a number of times. There's a book out there called The Limit. It's about the first F1 champion that was American born. Aside from an amazing accomplishment, it's just the amount of death that there was back then. I know I've talked about this before in the podcast, but forget about on the track, into the crowd. The safety in the cars wasn't there and it certainly wasn't there for the crowd and these

fucking guys would hit each other and their cars would just go flying into the crowd and they'd kill like fucking, I don't know, five, 15 fucking people. It was insane. It's really amazing the level of safety that they've been able to achieve over the years because of, you know, they always learn through people fucking dying. Same thing with aviation. So it becomes super safe because people give up their lives there. Is there a place, there's got to be a place to watch that live, that race every year.

It is fucking, that is no joke. You're putting on your big boy pants there. So rest in peace to all five of those riders, everybody over there. I don't know how they get their balls into the fucking riding leathers. Those are some throwback, throwback people. Much respect. All right. Nerds out of control.

There's gonna be some gun nut. Oh, how come you not saying bad motorcycles? Nerds out of control. Dear Billy Bong, did you see this article going around about the Google engineer who quit because he had a conversation with an AI computer and he came to realize that it was fully aware of what it was saying and what it was doing. The computer starts explaining that even though it's a computer, there's no difference between it and a human.

If that's not the writing on the wall, I don't know what is. If you own Google, would you have the whole thing shut down? Yes. Or placate to the robots and try inside with them. Assuming that if you tried and kill them, they might strike back first. I figure at some point they've so fucked up with these robots, because you know what they're gonna do with these robots? These robots are gonna be the Michael Jordan of everything.

You know, you have a buddy. He's really good at reading people, but he sucks at math. Michael Jordan of basketball. Everybody gets a gift. That's not true, but they like to tell people that. But you know, the greats all get gifts, right? They're gonna basically make something that can dump from the half court line that is a Mark's nose.

It's gonna be like Rambo. The fucking thing is gonna be like Rambo, and then they're gonna give it a fucking porn star robot dick. It's gonna be able to fuck any woman better than any guy. It's the dumbest shit. I just don't understand why they're doing this. Anyway, assuming that if you try and kill them, they might strike back first, like you tell your wife over breakfast.

I think we have a problem with these robots. Then before you can do anything about it, the toaster blows up in your face. Yeah, I would say there has to be a safe word that shuts them down. The problem is with this is you're dealing with nerds, okay? And if you go back to the great 80s film Weird Science, what was it? It was a couple of nerds. They wanted to get laid. And rather than fucking just learning how to talk to women,

they used their smarts and they just built a woman. It was all done like it was this funny thing. They had bras on their head and shit, but I think there was a real deeper message there. So, I mean, I saw an article that said the first sex robots are coming out. I mean, this is gonna be, I don't think global warming is gonna take us out. So, my only thing is what I think might be going on here is this is their way that they're going to solve both rebellion and the world population. Is they're gonna create a world of robots to replace all of us. So they'll never have to worry about being taken out of power and then they can just bang tens all the fucking time.

And it'll just be like, you know, like they had like the five families in the New York mafia. They'll be like, they'll be like a family that survives in like maybe each continent or something like that. I don't know what. No, you can't have that. Then you're back to Adam and Eve and then you got your fucking relatives banging each other. They'll be, you know, you got to have enough of a mix there. So, you know, we're not complete morons. By the way, that was my arm rubbing on the chair for people that are always going, did you pass? If you did my shift in this fucking chair.

See, listen, I can't do it. I won't be able to do it. Whatever. What is it? If you own Google, would you do it? Yeah, it's, I don't. All right, let me, do I really want to click on this? I try to stay away from this type of shit because I used to click on stuff like this all the time and it was just so fucking unsettling. Like watching these people filming Lake Mead drying up and nobody's talking about that, you know what I mean? You know, Lake Mead drying up and the drought in the southwestern part of this country.

Evidently, my set on Friends Who Kill was sadder than what's going on out here. Evidently, according to some of these fucking idiots. All right, righteous vegans. Hey, Billy beats. Oh, I love a beet salad. Oh, don't get me started. I love a beet salad. Okay, I don't want to beat on my burger, Australia, but I love a beet salad. My sister-in-law is a righteous vegan. Every way of life.

You know, maybe if there was a yellow beet, I bet it tastes good. Maybe I had the wrong beet on the burger. I just thought it overpowered the patty. It was as thick as the patty. It made no sense. Then again, the burger's not their thing, right? You don't see us over here trying to make a Vegemite sandwich. Every way of life. Okay, my sister is a righteous vegan. Oh, God. Can you send her a shut the fuck up from me?

Just eat your fucking plants and shut up. Every way of life that isn't modeled like hers is immoral. Oh, that's fun to be around. Everyone who eats meat or consumes butter is either an asshole or ignorant. Oh, Jesus. Okay, well, that's two strikes against me. We get along, but I have no problem throwing counterpoints at her. God bless you.

Like what the fuck do you think happens to all the animals who live on the land you're farming? Killing one deer and eating for six months is less of an impact on the ecosystem than tilling up a few football fields to yield one salad. Not to mention the almonds and all the water they need, Bill. Yeah, that's true. There's nothing wrong with any of that shit. There's just too many fucking people. We have to figure out how we're going to do this.

I'm glad I don't have to figure it out. I've never hunted nor shot an arrow and I don't see myself doing it anytime soon. So there's isn't some camo draped bias. I work in insurance. I love hunters, man. Anybody who can fucking go out, track something, kill it, skin it, clean it, take the meat, go home, start a fire in the fucking wilderness. I mean, those are like incredibly, incredible skills that if you're not an asshole,

you should be 100% envious of it. Maybe learn how to do it. I want to do the city version where I learn how to fucking eat my neighbor. What I'm sick of squirrel stew. All right. So I sent this article about how vegan leather is primarily made of fossil fuels and she accused me of conflating issues. What is conflating me?

Is that what I was accusing some gun people of earlier? Hang on a second. Let me see. What is conflating me? Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, you can laugh at me. Most of my listeners are like, I don't know what the fuck it means either. I know what inflating means.

Conflate. Gerund or present participle, conflating. I thought that was the fucking definition. Gerund. I was like, what the fuck does that mean? Combined two or more text ideas, et cetera, into one. The urban crisis conflates a number of different economic and social issues. Oh, so there's a way of doing it when you see 360 and then there's a way that you're just saying

that you're sticking shit together that doesn't go together. Anyways, she says you're conflating issues. And this guy says, thought all areas of the planet intersected, but apparently not according to my sister-in-law, the genius. Oh, man, you just got to let this shit go. I'll tell you, Bill, the blinders you have to live with in order to live a happy, principled life. I'm telling you, you got to figure it out. You just got to go, oh, yeah. You know what I like to do with people like that?

I just like to listen. And you just let them talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And then eventually, if there is a God, they run out of shit to say. And you haven't argued with them. You're just listening. And when they're done, you just go, oh, okay. Hey, where are we watching Game 5 tonight? You just changed the subject.

It fucking infuriates them. You didn't even listen to anything I said. I said it for 20 minutes and didn't say a word. I presented no opposite thing. You just argued. You just want to argue. I don't want to argue. I respect your opinion.

I don't want to argue. Okay, put your eyebrows down. Okay, it's over. Anyway, this guy says, you know, here's the article so you know, I'm not bullshitting you. Thanks and go fuck yourself, you bald angel. Well, I'd click on the article, but everybody's full of shit. For all I know, this is coming from the people that make cow leather.

I don't know. Is it true? And I'm not going to fucking sit here and try to debunk or what is it called, vet a fucking article on plant-based leather jackets. Nice leather jacket. It smells like broccoli. At least it doesn't smell like a dead animal. Oh, dead animals smell better than that fucking thing.

Things I should have said. Dear Billy Beanbag. I hope that reference will count as an insult. They all count as insults. That's why I left. Jesus Christ, what do you think I'm dumb? I don't know. Did you spell bean right?

B-E-A-N-E? Is that how you spell beanbag? I thought it was like the bean, B-E-A-N. As I am from the Oakland Bay area, and he has traded away every star for two minor leaguers and a player to be named later. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get the joke. Billy Bean, the fucking owner of the Oakland A's.

Dear Billy Beanbag, I hope that will count as an insult, meaning Billy Bean is an insult where he's from because he's from the Oakland Bay area and the owner of his team is traded away every star for two minor leaguers and a player to be named later. Yeah, absolutely. And that's why they're going to fucking move to Vegas. It's a fucking shame. I was having a night in with my lady. She suggested we watch Battlestar Galactica, which I'd never seen.

Great show, by the way. The TV series? Beanie, beanie, beanie, beanie. That thing? The Cylon Raiders? Um, is that what you're talking about? They make a movie of it. I don't know.

Things get spicy. Oh, you're watching Battlestar Galactica. She goes, he goes, things get spicy. I'm tagging her from behind. She seems to be enjoying it. Good for me. She turns her head around to make eye contact, but she sees that I'm actually still watching the episode. Oh, no.

She flips the fuck out. I went straight to deer in the headlights and I forgot what words I mustered a yammered afraid to hurt her feelings. Looking back, I wanted to say, you're the one that told me to watch it. It's a good show. It's a good show. Just look forward. And then just finished. Thanks and have a nice day.

Also, kudos to the Celtics for picking up game one. Oh, that's from a little while back. Yeah, you could have been like, do you realize the level of concentration it takes to keep a fucking erection while watching Battlestar Galactica? I mean, this is a fascinating series. This is like when you watch those things on Discovery about how the planet came to be the way it is. I've watched those my whole life. I don't ever remember having a hat on. That's fucking hilarious.

First of all, God bless your woman, huh? Doggy style. Turn around for a little eye contact. You know, I mean, she's a gamer. I don't know what the fuck your problem is. Sitting there watching. You know, who says nerds don't get laid? Good for you, man.

You're watching sci-fi and fucking hooking up. I like this guy. I like this whole relationship and you're a baseball fan. God bless you. Well, actually, you know, she's the sci-fi nerd. I don't know. I don't even know what I do. I think you're conflating two issues here.

Sci-fi and doggy style sex. I have a new word and I will use it. While I still remember it for the next fucking six hours. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. God bless you. I'm not fucking with you gun owners. I'm seriously asking because I know none of us wants that to happen to our children. So I'm trying to have this maybe be a place where I don't know people can talk to each other without yelling,

which is fucking hilarious coming from me considering I've spent most of my life yelling at people. Well, what do you think about that, you toxic white male? Shut up. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great couple of days and I'll check in on ya on Thursday. How do I shut this off?