Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-14-21

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

Bill rambles about his birthday, college, and more 'Things I Should Have Said'.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday. No, it isn't. It's time for the Monday morning podcast. What am I doing? What am I doing?

Oh, geez. The birthday week. I'm so full of cake. I don't even know what I'm saying. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday. For Monday. For Monday. June 13th.

June 14th. Oh, it gives a shit. I'm so full of cake. I can't even hit fucking reset at this point or race and start over again. This is what it is. Oh, Billy Frost in face. I've eaten so much fucking cake this month with all the birthdays. You know, I just have this thing where I got like three close friends, my hoff and myself

all have birthdays and it's just, it's been nothing but cake. And then I, by the way, I had the greatest birthday of my life this past week. It was just, it was phenomenal. I just, I had the best day. And as much as I was telling about you on Saturday, you know, everything that I happened that night, my lovely wife was taking me out to dinner. She didn't tell me where and I was just, you know, I didn't ask her where. So we're, we're on our way to the restaurant and she goes, you know, aren't you surprised?

You haven't even asked me where we're going. I want to be like, I'm not like you. I understand it's a surprise. I'm not trying to ask questions to ruin it because that's what my wife does. She just asked questions. She fucking Columbus me. You know, no, I get it. I get it.

It's a surprise. But you know what? There's just one more thing. And then she'd ask me the thing and then she'd figure out what it was. And then I would get upset and I think that's like a sport for them. You know, they don't like that you can surprise them. Okay. Because that means that you can trick them.

If you can trick them, the door is wide open for you to do it. It fucks with their own security. That's their shit. Their shit is like, listen, you can go and you can pick up as much heavy shit around me as you like. That doesn't scare me. Okay. You start winning in a cerebral way and on any level, I cannot fucking handle it.

So I think that that's what the game is. I don't know why, but anytime I try to surprise her with a gift, she just figures it out. It's so fucking annoying and she knows it bothers me and she just, she can't get enough of it. She loves it. Right. So anyway, we're going to this restaurant. I don't know where I'm going.

I know she just said, Hey, I'm taking you out to dinner and she didn't say where. So immediately it clicked to me. Well, obviously it's a surprise. So I was just like, all right, how should I dress? She goes, you know, just casual, but nice, cool, but warm, summery, but what if it snows? Right. So I'm like, all right, casual, but nice. Got it.

Right. So I dress that way and we're driving over there, Uber and over, you know, having a good time and shit. And then she just goes, I'm surprised you haven't asked where you're going. And I just laughed. And I was just like, well, I figured it was a surprise if I asked questions, do you want me to figure it out? And she laughed and she said, no.

So we were on our way over there and we went by some Italian restaurant and my wife was like, Oh, I didn't know they had one of those there. They got one of those in the valley too. I didn't know that must be like a chain or something. I go, they have good Italian. She said, yeah, I said, well, my favorite chicken parm in the city is at Dan Tannas. And then I immediately went like, why did you just say that? Because she's most likely taking you to a different restaurant.

And you just kind of said your favorite restaurant is that place and that dish, right? Why would you say that you dumb fuck, right? And lo and behold, she doesn't say anything. I'm like, all right, is she being cool? Is it going to come back and bite me in my pasty freckled ass? What's going to happen? Right? Well, wouldn't you know?

We pull up to Dan Tannas. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. You're taking me to Dan Tannas and she smiles. She goes, yeah. It's like, all right. So then we walk up to the place, people got masks on and shit doing whatever. She goes, all right, I'm going to go in and check in and just stand outside. So I say, okay, I know you guys all know where this is going, but I'm too stupid, right?

So I'm just like, all right, I'll stand outside. I say, all right, you're good. You know, and they have like outdoor seats. So we go, we walk around the back and I come around the back and I see Joe Bartnick's moustache mustachioed face and I'm like, what the fuck is he doing here? And then I look over and I see my father and I'm like, oh my God, they're all like, surprise. That's what they did. They didn't yell surprise.

They just went, which is funny because no, all the strangers didn't know that it was a surprise party. They all just looking like, oh no, these people are going to be this loud. And it was awesome. It was like everybody that I loved was there. I always wanted a surprise party. I was just always too fucking walled off and whatever. It just never happened for me.

You know, you put the, there's a certain type of person that they throw a surprise party for and I'm not that person. So I don't know what happened this year, but she did it and I had a great time. And then afterwards she was like, did you like it? Were you enjoying it? And I was like, yeah, she goes, okay, because a couple of times I was looking at your face and you didn't seem like you enjoyed it. I was just like, Jesus fucking Christ.

I liked it. My God. Oh my God. So, but that's what they do. They're cerebral people. They're always looking. They're figuring it out. They're figuring it out.

They, they're reading what is not being said. They're listening to the undercurrent. They're not listening to what's being, that's just how they operate. Their spies, their covert people, their stealth. So you can't just be like, you can't just sit there and be like, oh my God, this is great. This is everybody I love. You can't just say that to everybody. They're still going to be, but I noticed a couple of times your fate, what do you fuck?

What do you mean the world series of poker? Before I even knew where we were going, I said, this is my favorite place in my favorite dish to the point I thought I ruined the place and she's still, still, still made me say it twice after saying this was great. She then argued against me and then I had to fucking say it again. And this is why we die before them. It's just those little fucking leg kicks, those emotional leg kicks just chop you down to the fucking mat.

Anyway, so, um, I had such a fucking great time, um, amazing food and, um, just amazing stories. Everybody had a great time. I felt loved, was awesome and, uh, it was really just the perfect night. And then the end of the night, she had ordered a, uh, a yellow cake chocolate frosting, right? And, uh, but because they ordered it from someplace else when it came to the restaurant, they're like, because of COVID, we can't put blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they ordered dessert anyway, and then we brought this big fucking cake home

and I've been eating a fucking slab of it every day to the point. I can't give you a heartburn, um, I just hate wasting food. And I also like chocolate cake, but, uh, after this slice of cake I just had right before this podcast, I'm gonna have to tell my wife to say like, look, you have to give this away to somebody or, you know, you have to like get rid of this because I can't throw this thing out. All right. I mean, I'm not trying to pat myself in the back, but I also know how to bake a cake and

I know how much work went into this. All right, I can't just throw this fucking thing out, but I also don't want to keep eating it because, um, I just don't feel right. I mean, I've still been working out and stuff, so I'm not showing it, but I can feel that my body is like, what the fuck is going on? I thought we were done with this bill and, um, I've been ignoring my body for three days going like, but look at that beautiful chocolate cake, you know, I'm a crack head with the giant mountain of crack and any of the nice fucking glass chandelier thing, you know, what

it was like, you're not going to go smoke it. So that's where I am with that. But, um, you know, it's so funny was before we had the surprise party that afternoon, you know, my kids and a few relatives gave me a little birthday, you know, celebration. Uh, I had a cupcake at that cupcakes, the perp, by the way, cupcake underrated. It's perfect. You eat it. It's done.

There's no more. You know, that's it. You have a fucking cake. It's hanging around, you know, it's like a friends in town, um, cupcakes and we just swank by no damage. How you doing? All right. Get the fuck out of here.

So, um, I say, cause, you know, Verzi was in town, which by the way, there's a new episode of anything better that we recorded at the all things comedy studio with our special guest, Joe Bartnick, which is now available on YouTube and all podcast platforms. Um, I told them, I said, Hey, tomorrow we're having a little birthday thing because of COVID and everything. They haven't seen my kids in a while and Verzi lives on the other coast. So I said, come on swing by and they came by and, uh, they were both acting normal. They knew that there was a surprise party, but they were both acting normal.

And what was funny was, um, the only time I noticed there was something weird was Verzi's like, all right, I got to get out of here. I got to go do a buddy's podcast and I said, okay, cool. And I, and he goes, all right, I'm back in New York. So this is it, man. I'll see you. And I was like, all right, cool. And he just sort of gave me like half a hug and he just kind of got out of there quick.

I was like, damn, it's usually more of a goodbye, you know, shit. Verzi's really taken to this Hollywood lifestyle. Verzi's barely fucking saying goodbye. And a partner just said something about the traffic. I got to get out of here, which is normal. And then they both got out of there. But I, I, I did not see it coming. I did not see the surprise party coming at all, especially, you know, when you've just

turned 53 and you've never had a surprise party, you feel like that ship is sailed. Like, all right, that's, you know, I guess that's not going to happen. You know, I guess I'm not going to make it in the NFL. I guess I'm not going to be a jet fighter pilot like Tom Cruise in that movie I saw when I was 18. You know? I guess Bo Derek's never going to run down the beach to me, you know, with the cornrows waiting to see me.

You know, you get, you get, you know, 12th hole of your life, 13th hole, you know, God, who knows what hole you're on, right? You start taking some certain things that just not going to happen. A surprise party was one of them. But it actually happened. And I want to thank my lovely wife, despite the fact that she made me like fucking notarized that I had a good time at the surprise party. But you know what?

That's not even her fault. That's how much of a cunt I've been over the years. And I got to tell you, you know, six months of therapy and actually really being ready for it and really working on myself. I'm getting along with my wife better than I ever have. Even back when we were single, no kids or anything like that. It's been, it's been a good fucking thing. So and I got to tell you, my fucking standup act is some of my favorite shit I've ever

done because that is another big fear. All you young comics out there, if you listen to this shit, all that bullshit where it's just like, don't get happy, man. You get happy. There it goes. You're funny. No, that's not what happened. You stop doing standup.

You stop working. You stop trying to improve. That's what kills you. All right. Cause there's plenty of miserable comics that I've seen miserable comics and they stopped writing and their acts stinks and they're not funny anymore. And there's miserable, they're more miserable than they were when they were funny. So that's a big fucking myth.

What I actually believe is if you find happiness and you kind of figure out who you are, it adds a whole new depth to what it is. It kind of stops, you know, as a younger comic, I had a lot of, did you see this? What the fuck's up with that? It was always pointing out, not looking inward rather than being, you know, in the 30s it's scary. You know, I kind of do this a lot. I mean, it is something I'm doing.

And then you get to your 40s and you're like, all right, I'm an asshole. So that's kind of where I'm at. Well, I'm not on my 50s. I'm a little, I've always been a little late. So late to the party there. By the way, speaking of podcasts, special guests, I had Wolfgang Van Halen on the podcast Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast a couple of months back and he was mentioning that he had an album that was coming out and how they were going to

be like slowly releasing it. Mammoth is the name of it. And it's kind of brilliant how these, I'm going to say kids put it out, put them out now. They just sort of couple of tracks, track, couple of weeks, another track, couple of weeks, another track, and then boom, they put out the whole album. So finally, you can download Mammoth WVH. The entire album is available for download and I've been listening to it like nonstop.

It's, you know, if you're a drummer, it's so much fun to play. There's a fucking song horribly right that I listened to it like three times in a row in the car, got out of my car, did not say hello to my family, went right into my garage, sat down in the kit and I had to figure it out. I'll play a little bit of it for you here. Let me see here. How do I do this? How do the kids, how do the kids cue something up?

All right, here we go. I fucked it up. God, you knew I was going to, didn't have the volume up. Here we go. Where are we? All right. And here it is. Oh, man, that was fun.

Trying to figure that out. Thanks to Davey Litch. I just said, this has to be in four because I always think everything's in a, if I can't figure it out, that's got to be an odd time. It can't be me and my lack of musical ability. It has to be an odd time signature and I was like, no, I'm just going to count this in four and I blocked out everything that was going. I locked in on the hi hat and I was counting it, you know, especially if a riff takes like

two bars to play that can also really fuck me up. And I was able to figure that thing out and I had a fucking ball, a fucking ball playing, trying to play along to that thing. And I put the horribly in the horribly right track off of Mammoth WVH and the whole album is just, it's just a killer fun fucking album. And what I love about it is he's got a killer voice, he's got his own style and as much as his dad is Eddie Van Halen, this kid is just on his own path, which is really, really great to see and I know that they're going to be touring at some point.

If I get any sort of information, you got to go out and check them out because I saw them on Jimmy Kimmel. They fucking killed it, but I was very excited. And you know, I think it's funny is a song like that comes out with just a killer drum track and I get as amped up as I got when I was still in my teenage years. As old as I am at 53, I still like fucking, I just got to go run down behind the kit and try to figure it out. And then I think I'm killing it and then I film myself because that's the only way you

learn and I just look like a fucking, I look like such a douche, or at least not anywhere near as cool as I thought I looked. So download that and see those guys live, man, because I think it's going to be a killer show. And with that, the NHL playoffs continue. I couldn't believe it. I thought when my Bruins got knocked out, everybody else was going to be so sad they could never play hockey again, but no, that was not the case.

The hockey world moved on without my beloved Boston Bruins and your New York fucking Islanders win their fourth game in a row. Matthew Barzell once again, who's having a playoff run. I can't even say series at this point. This guy is just, he's just, he is beyond, beyond seizing the moment. I got, you know, I was, went to a kid's party today, so I missed the fucking game, but I just watched some of the highlights and I guess right out in the beginning, Tampa Bay tried to get a little cutesy in the Islanders end, they intercepted the pass, Barzell was

off to the races and he just went five hole right in the beginning, right in the beginning of the game. And Bartnick was telling me, the host of puck off was telling me, you know, after you have like the top, whatever guys in the league, the next top 10 guys are all in the Islanders. So they are, and they have the coach too. So I mean, I know it's just one game. I know it's Tampa, but there was a lot of chirping during that Bruins Islander series after Tampa won their series.

I had an eight, don't worry about it, Bill, you get past the Islanders, but we're going to fucking curb stomp you guys and all of this. They were talking a bunch of fucking shit, you know, all those, those was parrot heads down there, wasted away again in Bargaritaville, all those Tampa people, chrome balls hanging off the back of my truck, vaping on a truck, anyways, they were talking all kinds of shit. The Islanders gave him the old fucking, didn't get him right there, Fred, yet they got to win the series, but they gave him a nice, how you doing little fucking straight right to the fucking chops game one, just like that, taking home ice and I get to, I'm past the

fact that they beat us. I'm actually really excited about the Islanders possibly winning a cup because they were the guys that knocked off the fucking Canadians essentially ended the century of dominance of the Montreal or the better part of a century. I mean, it's fucking unbelievable what the Canadians did and well, the Canadians and the Maple Leafs up until 1967 and when the Maple Leafs just stopped winning cups inexplicably, the Canadians went on to win in 68, 69, 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79 and then the Islanders came in 1980 and that was the end of it.

The Montreal Canadians never again dominated the way they did. They did win in 86 and they did win in 93, but it just wasn't like when they, they used to win decades or split a decade with the fucking, you know, Maple Leafs or the Red Wings, Red Wings in the 50s, I think one, two or three, I can't remember, but so I always liked the Islanders and I always loved Mike Bossy. I just thought I fucking loved guys like that. There were so many guys like just those 40, 50 goal scorers that just dad, you know, back when there was way more open ice, guys weren't as big.

Like I watched a highlight the other day about just a couple of tragic NHL guys, you know, one guy, you know, who just came up with Gila floor and was just as good as him and he just, he had that stupid addiction disease and it just fucked his whole career up. And I just remember seeing highlights of that guy and how fuck when he was playing on the Nordiques, how fucking big the ice looked. It looked like they were playing on two ice rinks, like the size of the players now and how fast they are. And the fact that they, you know, the red line is just, you know, it's there for just

show at this point. You couldn't have a two line pass. There was no stretch passes or anything like that. It was just a slower game, but there was a lot of more odd man rushes, two on ones, three on twos and stuff, breakaways and there was a beauty to the game back then that I think with the, the speed of it now is just, it took a little bit of that away. And there's a fucking reason now where, you know, there's, there's a reason why, you know, it's so hard to score 50 goals, you know, goaltenders back when I first started watching

was stand up goalies until Patrick walk came in with the butterfly, you fucking sort of stood up and just did a little kick or something like that. And it's just, it was, seemed like there was a lot, you know, they were a lot smaller and then that was still the same size pads were smaller and all that type of shit. So there was like a lot of amazing stuff going on. But anyway, but I, there was guys like Mike bossy and every team seemed to have like a guy, you know, they could get you like 30. And then if you had a great guy like bossy, get your 50.

He had a Rick Middleton was our guy when I first started watching and he just, he was always good for 30, 40. I wonder if he ever scored 50. I don't remember, but they were just like the stick handling and they would fake defense men out of their skates. You just, you don't see a lot of that anymore just cause these kids are so big and they're so fast. And I think the defense are so sophisticated now that it's a lot harder to do like, I don't

know, just some of that basic, you know, pond hockey fucking stick handling. Now I don't know. They fucking get behind the net and they pick the puck up with their stick and they slam it in. That's why it is, it's all unbelievable, but it's just, I've just, you know, partial to that style cause that's what I grew up with. So anyway, the Islanders went on at one 80, 81, 82 and 83. And I still remember having the sports illustrated with Mike Bossy on the front.

I believe it was Mike Bossy and it's had the Islanders as they were moving their way to another Stanley Cup final and it said the strive for five, they were trying to win five in a row and an upstart team by the name of the Edmonton Oilers ended that and so it's cool to see them, you know, great again. And it's also cool as much as I hate the Canadians that they're still in it because it'd be kind of amazing if the Canadians and the Islanders were in the final or the finals, how the fuck you say it, because the Islanders were the ones that ended their reign, they could come back 40 years later and try to get some fucking revenge.

It's not like they beat them. Who the fucks did they beat in 1980 because I never thought that the Canadians got to the Stanley Cup final there. Let me see here, 1980 Stanley Stanley Cup Finals, let's see, what do we got here? The 1980 Stanley Cup Finals, MVP Brian Trushy, 79-80 season, the New York Islanders in their first ever finals appearance against the Philadelphia Flyers, well there you go, there you go. Let's see who knocked off the fucking Canadians in the 1980 playoffs, NHL playoffs summary, let's see what we got here, all right, here it is, here we go, the Flyers, Minnesota North

Stars in the quarterfinals, won four games to three, wow, I remember the Islanders smoked us. We beat someone in the first round that year, didn't we, and then we came, no, well, preliminary round, yeah, over the Pittsburgh Penguins, I didn't watch that one, that was right before I started really, really paying attention to hockey, I miss that, I'm thinking 83, 83 is when I really started watching, I think, religiously, all right, I just went down a fucking rabbit hole, but don't count the Vegas Knights out, I'm not counting them out by any stretch of the means, but this is a very interesting sort of four teams left here,

we have two, a young team in Tampa, they've only been around 20 something years, Vegas Knight brand new last five years, Islanders are sort of like, I don't know, they're 40 years in, no, 40 years in since they won it, they came around 72, they got 50 years in, so they're not the young guys anymore, and the Montreal Canadiens have been around for like over 100 years, so you kind of got everything, it's like the Brady Bunch, you got Greg fucking Peter and Bobby here, did that make any sense, well it did to me, what else, been continuing on with the old movies, I want to thank whoever recommended Point Blank, Lee Marvin, I second your observation that Angie Dickinson was absolutely gorgeous, shout out to Keenan

Wynne, who I heard his voice, I'm like, where do I know that voice from, is that the guy from Doctor Strange Love, talking about our precious bodily fluids, and it was amazing actor, an amazing movie, unbelievable cars, Lee Marvin at his best, I just, just a great, great, great movie, one of those double cross movies, and then they think they killed the guy, Lee Marvin, and then he comes back for revenge, gotta love that, Carol O'Connor's in it, I mean it's just, what's not to love, and right now I'm watching Charlie Varick starring Walter Mathau, and I'll tell you who keeps popping up in all of these movies, is that, is it John Vernon, John, yeah, John Vernon, is that the guy, actor, let me see

his picture, yes, and the first time I ever saw John Vernon, he played Dean Wormer, and in all of those, in the, what the fuck was it, Animal House, and I've noticed this guy is like one of the go-to character actors, basically the genre of film that I like, the plays by his own rules, the lone gunman, the double cross crook, whatever the fuck you call it, oh another added bonus point blank is the helicopter that lands in Alcatraz, let me see, I don't know if that's a Sikorsky, it's before my time, but that was the original R-22, and it had no governor, and you had to control the RPMs, main rotor RPMs, after, you know, looking at the gauge, but after a while you could just hear it if it was getting

a little low, yeah, is it the S-76, no, no, Jesus, not that one, Jesus Christ, I had the wrong one, helicopter point blank, Lee Marvin, let's see if that doesn't, still not doing it, I forget the name of it, my instructor used to fly one, oh go fuck yourself, I can't find it, but it was a little two-seater, and that thing was basically, you want to talk about you're actually flying this fucking thing, it had no governor on it, so basically you were in charge of making sure that you had enough rotor RPMs, so you wouldn't just, I don't know, I mean the big thing is if the engine quits, being able to enter an auto-rotation, obviously if you saw yourself going down, the fucking, I wonder if you even had a low

RPM horn on it, it had to have, had to have something or at least a light, you would still crank it back up, you'd know to do that, but it just seemed like way, way, way, like I've done, you know, obviously learning how to fly, they'll shut the governor off and stuff, and you kind of see like, like how much more added workload that is than not having a governor, but anyway, it was kind of a cool shot, it's one of those little two-seater, white fucking things, let me see if I can find this thing, that's really going to bug me if I can't find out the name of that helicopter, because right now I know there's like 10 pilots listening to this thing screaming it right now, the Art of Dying, Point Blank, all right, I guess not a

lot of helicopter pilots watching the fucking movie, I'll find out what it is and I'll, I'll give the information, all right, hey, and how about those Milwaukee Bucks, you know, beating the Brooklyn Nets after all the shit I've talked, it seems like these guys can actually not, you know, not win by 40 every night, it's fucking insane, as insane as all of a sudden, fuckhead is talking about how he might come back and run for president again, it just amazes me how gullible people are, I thought after, you know, when those people broke into the Capitol and then he was going like, I love you all, it's time to go home, and then once he found out he could get in trouble for inciting them to do it, he goes, they should all be put in jail, you saw what he did, you saw the

kind of guy he is in this still, now he wears a red tie, he's going to make it great again, it's a tough one though, I, you know, it's a tough one, because then your only other option though, for Democrat or Republican is just a total 100% company man that doesn't give a fuck about the environment or evidently children and innocent people in other countries, they just keep doing what the fucking oil companies and the banks want them to do, so I guess I kind of get it, but um, you know, I could handle Trump just being a fucking moron, I just can't handle the race baiting, that type of shit, and all these fucking, all of that crap, that's, that's, you know, that's one of those things you like to think has gone, but is not even barely below the surface, it's

just fucking right there, all right, and with that, zip recruiter everybody, zip, zip, oh god, heartburn from fucking chocolate cake, what's wrong with me, all right, zip recruiter everybody, this copy literally starts with, that's why hiring can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack, let me make sure I actually copied all the copy here, did he copy all the copy, let me see, no, that's how it started, all right, that's why hiring can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack, sure, you can post your job to some job board, but then all you can do is hope the right person comes along, which is why you should try zip, for free at ziprecruiter.com

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remember, go to this unique place ziprecruiter, R-E-C-R-U-I-T-E-R dot com, slash burr, B-U-R, zip, the smartest way to hire, all right, there you go, there you go, I know there was a lot of, there was some picture of an old Donnie boy giving a speech with his pants on backwards, and my buddy sniffed that one out, he goes, I think this guy is, New York wants to put him in jail, so he's already beginning the insanity defense, he was like, you remember that mob guy that walked around in his bathrobe around the village, because he wanted to seem insane at the end of his, you know, mob career, and the feds were coming in on him, and I was like, Jesus Christ, you're 100% right, how the fuck do you accidentally put your pants on backwards,

unless you lost a ton of weight, and you were just slipping them on, like how wouldn't you notice when you went to buckle your pants, your belt would be in the back, or zip them up in the back, like you're putting on some sort of evening gown, and then furthermore, how would like all those people around you let you go on stage like that, I think it was bullshit, I think it was bullshit, I think he knows exactly what the fuck he's doing, and I look forward to more of the show, all right, Billy Royale, hey Bill, if you met a girl who you loved and was perfect, but she was part of the royal family, would you marry her, could you deal with all the traditions you'd have to uphold,

no, I probably couldn't, could you wear a crown and learn how to wave to the crowd like a dandy boy, you're already in the spotlight, so you have to watch what you say and how you say it, would this be much different, yeah dude, it'd be way different, I don't have to watch what I say, that is all, can I tell you something, that's all a fucking myth, that you have to watch what you say and how you say it, even after these people who say they cancel people, these people, you know, when they come back, people still want to go see them, they're still selling out theaters, their podcast numbers are off the charts, it's all, you know, nobody's getting canceled, I mean you can lose an agent, you can lose a manager,

blah blah blah blah, I mean some shit like that happens, but you know, even then, if you don't have a stand-up back, you don't have like a podcast, you know, I guess as an actor you sit on the bench for a few years and then eventually you come back, I mean, it's kind of hard if there was no cops and there was no legal finding, finding, I would think, and then just the way people are going about this shit, where I saw this guy was getting in trouble, you know, a couple weeks ago and this person was tweeting, come on guys, let's get it going, and said, hey, if you want to, just DM me your stories anonymously, it's like, so I could just DM you a story, you're going to leave my name out

of it, and I could just say whatever the fuck I want to say about this person, and then you're just going to retweet it without, as fact, I mean, I don't understand, I understand like, you know, getting rid of sexual predators and fucking, you know, people abusing their power, like that, but like, you know, this whole thing now where it's getting to the point of like, I don't know, once, you know, I saw someone lose their job over an analogy, I was kind of like, all right guys, was this what we were trying to do? Stitch and time saves nine, how could you say that, there's people working in sweatshops, right, and then all of a sudden you lose, you know, how could you compare that to sweatshops, it's weird. So no, I don't have to watch what I'd say,

the younger me, the younger me would have done that, but eventually, the real me would have come out and it wouldn't have lasted. The younger me would have done all the things you just said, short of marrying her, because I think my friends would have teased me so much, and I'd have such a need to be liked that I would probably break it off. But when the younger me, I wouldn't have done it, I don't know how to do this a long, long, long, long, long, long time ago. I can't tell this story. Let's just say I was in a situation, I was dating somebody, and it was really my, one of my first serious girlfriends,

and the shit that I put up with, and this isn't on them, it was just me not having any boundaries. I very easily would have just stood there as they dressed me up like some fucking guy who's in the military, but isn't, and has some big dumb hat, and then I would sit there waving my hand, and it's moving like a weather vane. I probably would have done that. But if you're talking about now, past the age of 28, you could have got me up to about the age of 27. I'm not going to lie to you, I could have fell for that, but after that, I want to be like, no, I want to make my own mark in the world. I have my own dreams here. I don't want to just sit around the castle and eat quail with white gloves on every

night. How long could you sit in that castle and you're watching a game and you can't be like, what the fuck is fucking boarding? I could read his whole fucking last name, crooked cunts, right? I couldn't do that. Or maybe you can't, I don't know. I don't know. And then you know what, the whole time you're in there, you're not going to feel like you want, you're not going to feel totally respected. The old broad there, the oldest one, she knows she's just going to be blowing you off the whole time. Like, well, you don't have royal blood. You know, you downloaded their album, but yeah, they wouldn't respect you.

And at some point, you're just going to be sitting there thinking, what makes this pruned up old fucking twat better than me? Because she was born into this shit? She didn't fight for this. This already existed and they just gave it to her. The fuck is she giving? I had a fucking paper root since the third grade, you know? This is when you're drinking some fucking 60 year old cognac. Not cognac, is it cognac? Yeah, whatever the fuck that shit is. But I tell you what I wouldn't do, I wouldn't make her leave. I wouldn't do that. First of all, she would. Women like stuff too much. I would say this. I'd say this. If old ginger face was a chick and his wife was a dude,

I'd say Freckles doesn't leave. I say he doesn't leave. I sit there, you know, it's not that I don't love you. It's just, you know, things are complicated. It's really complicated. Are you doing it? Disappoint my mother? There would have been a reason. And she would have been able to cry that would have made the dude feel guilty. And yeah, make her feel guilty. And then at one point, the redheaded chick would be like, well, I know, and I hate the way they treat you, but I just gotta say, if you really loved me, yeah, I can't, I can't. Disracism, I know, it hurts. But I'm just saying, what about us? They would have done that shit. It would have been that, and she would have manipulated it in a way that she would have made it look like she was staying

because she could no longer trust the dude. Right? I think that that's what happened. And I think what happened with old freckles there, royal freckles, you know, who exists on a level of ginger that I never could. He's just, he's better than me. He is, he is right from the fountain of ginger. He's pure. He is uncut ginger. Which I think, I think he was treated a certain way growing up. All right. He came out and he was walking around the castle, okay, with his freckles and his flaming balls. And he's like, all right, who's kidding who? There's no fucking way they're sticking that crown in my head someday. First of all, that one guy's never going to die. He finally just fucking died, right? And then I got

to wait for the other guy who's never going to die to die. And then they're going to choose between me and, you know, oh, come head over here. But, you know, he lost all this here, but he'd know that was happening. But that's why I think he, he sort of rebelled. He rebelled with the other kid. He was just like the show pony and he had to do everything the right way. Right? So he stuck, he stuck around. And then, you know, I don't know, the ginger kid, he downloaded a little bit of Tone Loke, you know, he's trying to have an edge. He's trying to be the street wise ginger in the fucking white palace. And, you know, it's just like he just veered off a little bit. And now he's in Santa Barbara. And that's how it happens. That's how it happens. It's very easy.

It's very easy when you don't feel loved. To just veer off into other, I think that that's what happened. He didn't feel, you know, he was Jan and his older brother was Marsha and he fucking knew it. He knew it. And he said, you know what, Roy, I'm taking me real boobs, me cubic zarkonia, and I'm getting the fuck out of here. Good for him. Good for him. Just hope he brought his sunblock. I mean, he went all the fuck in that dude left. He resigned as a prince, which I didn't know you could do. And then he moved to a sunny city and married a woman of color. Wait a minute, dare I say he's ripping me off. This kid's doing every fucking thing that I did, except I didn't live in a palace,

live in a duplex there for a little while. Living in a duplex is a great fucking thing, you know. Everybody knows exactly how happy everybody's marriage is in that fucking relation, in that little duplex thing. But I kind of liked it. All right. Oh, Billy Royale. Oh, somebody read that. All right. College is dumb. Hang on a second. I think that's my kid. What's that? You talking to me? I'm doing my podcast. You want to ride bikes? All right. I thought she was yelling at me. She wasn't. All right. Dear Bill Joke Guy. I'm serious when I say college is dumb.

Well, I wouldn't argue with that. Did I just fuck something up here? Why does it sound weird on my headphones right now? Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. What did I do? What did I do? It's not you. It's me. Maybe because I made fun of the Royals. Not the Kansas City ones either. I'm a sophomore and I haven't learned shit. Liberal arts colleges are just extensions of high school. I've taken two art, two history classes that haven't gone much more in depth than my high school classes. Well, yeah. I mean, so all of college is dumb. I don't think they're doing that at MIT. He goes, I have to hear. She says, I have to take electives like music history. What the fuck is this shit? I came to college to major in biology with plans to become a

doctor. You know what would help me save lives in the future and do my job better? Not filling my head with bullshit. Like why did ragtime jazz evolve to Mississippi blues? This would be interesting if I was watching a free documentary, but it's infuriating, paying 25 grand a year for this. Well, you know, something kid does somebody that's going to take that class who's thinking they want to be a doctor and all of a sudden they maybe they'll get into music. I don't know. The college system is a waste of time and money and it's wildly inefficient. I've learned a lot more. I've learned a lot about myself and how to and not to pick up chicks at the bar and have made good friends. I think the stigma of not going to college is changing a bit.

Will you encourage your kids to go to college? Depends on what they want to do. I don't know. That's a long way off, but like I thought you were going to say other things about why you thought college was stupid. I think going to a big expensive college is stupid. Obviously, if you want to be a doctor, I think you need a little bit of training. It's not like you can go on YouTube and figure out how to do that shit. I think the major or would you say you wanted to do major in biology with plans to become a doctor? Yeah. I mean, that's something you have to go to school for. It's not like, you know, I'm kind of thinking to start my own business. You can always take a couple of business courses at like a fucking a cheap school.

I mean, a spreadsheet is a spreadsheet. Okay. The principles of business are the same. I watched that documentary about those rich people having their kids head cut and pasted onto an athlete's head so they could get onto into a fucking school. They were talking about prestige, prestigious colleges and that the initial definition is a French word and the initial definition of it meant deceit, a prestigious college. It's, I think you go to those colleges because you get to fucking, you know, your college roommate is Bill Gates Jr. But other than that, one plus one equals two in a fucking state school versus an Ivy League school. And what I found the keys to being successful is you really have to, you got to surround yourself with

positive supportive people, which is hilarious because I spent like eight years at the comedy cellar. And so much of it comes down to like, it really comes down to you, you could have a Harvard degree, you could have a, you know, could go to Quincy Jr. College, right? Just picking where I grew up the most prestigious versus the one that everybody can or Bunker Hill Community College, you know, it really doesn't make a difference. Like nobody gives a fuck about that piece of paper. When they're getting into business with you, if you have a business idea, like if you ever watched Shark Tank, none of them are ever saying, where did you go to college? They just like, what is your idea? How much you in for? How much have you sold? Where do you see this?

Whatever the fuck they asked, that's all they're asking. So, but there's other things like, you know, becoming a doctor and stuff. I mean, you need to, you need to get your training. So I would actually think that like, you're one of the few people that's going to college and amassing all of this. I still don't think it should cost as much as it does though. I don't know, I kind of talked all around all of that shit, but I always felt like the way to go, like if you wanted to go to a very prestigious school is to transfer in after two years to your freshman and sophomore years somewhere else, transfer in and then you're still going to get the big prestigious degree for half the money. Seems like the better way to go. But if your parents have money and they can get

you into some big ass school and they got a great football program, you can get drunk and act like a fucking idiot for four years. I mean, that's also fun too. You've got your whole life to work, right? Why start now? All right, girlfriend wants us to move to Hollywood. Hey, Billy Butterby. I'm a 26 year old guy and my 24 year old girlfriend of four and a half years has decided she wants to chase her childhood passion of acting. When she initially mentioned wanting to take acting class, I was very supportive and told her to pursue it to her heart's content. Well, a couple of weeks ago she decided the acting school she wanted to go to was the fucking American Academy of Dramatic Arts in Hollywood. I tell her to apply being the

caring fucking bozo I am and she gets in. Of course she did. Now she wants us to move to LA in January for the winter semester. We live in Texas and barely make enough to live in our modest two bedroom apartment. When I explained to her how expensive LA is and that we do not have jobs there and that we would have to leave behind a lot of our two bedrooms worth of furniture to live in a small shitty apartment, she says I care too much about money and material possessions and that she is so disappointed I can't be excited to go on this adventure with her. Yeah, I imagine the tables would turn. Would she want to go on this adventure and leave that L shape couch? Keep in mind we were long distance from 2018 to 2020 when she moved back to our state. I took a second job

so we could afford a two bedroom that she begged for, begged for exclamation point. Now I am the bad guy for saying I do not want to downsize to a smaller place in Hollywood. I love this girl, she is a sweet and lovely lady. Isn't that amazing? After all that shit that she is doing to you still, I mean, you know, unreal. I intend on marrying her but how can I tell her she is out of her mind and that trying to move to Hollywood to become an actress is a fucking fairytale dream. Any help you or the lovely Nia is much appreciated. Thanks to go fuck yourself. No, moving to Hollywood and becoming an actress is not a fairytale dream. It happens all the time. So my question is, do you really believe that she can do this shit? Are you just saying, yeah, whatever you want to do

because you are just being a good guy and now it became real and now you are going to say like your dream isn't going to come true? You don't want to do that to her. But also, you know, she is looking out for herself here and you have to look out for yourself. You are both single, you are not married to each other. You are just boyfriend, girlfriend. So you have to make the decision, do I love this person enough to leave the comfort in the space of Texas, not to mention the Texas mentality to come out to Hollywood to hear the inverse of what probably what you think about a lot of things and how you see the world. And I mean, what about you? What about your dream? I think this is a time to be selfish in that you have to figure out what you want. This is

one of these things. You are not being self. She is going after what she wants and she doesn't give a fuck about dragging you out there. She doesn't give a fuck about the quality of life that you are going to live while she is there. She doesn't give a shit. She has got her eye on the prize and she wants to go get this shit, which there is nothing wrong with that. So what you got to do you got to do, you almost got to be the chick here. You got to be like, well, what's in it for me? You got to put a ring on my finger if I'm going to go out. That's what they do. But she wins that too. So I don't know. I don't know, man. Can't you just find some chick that likes to line dance and drive in the fucking rubbing your dick in a fucking Chevy Silverado as you drive down the

street listening to Travis Tritt? I mean, there's got to be a million of those out there, right? Why don't you just do that? Why don't you just say, listen, you know, I think we had a great run. I don't want to move out there. I don't want to ruin your fucking dream. But my dream is not to, you know, live in LA and, you know, watch somebody else's dream come true. My dreams stay right here in Texas, right? Get myself a spread north of Dallas. Have a woman that can make me some chicken and biscuits listening to culture music. What would you do to give your life freedom? What would you do? Yeah, you got to figure out what you want here, buddy. It all depends. You know, some people don't mind like,

I don't know. I think if you want to be like a house husband, because at that point, you know, she goes out and makes it, she's going to be on set fucking all day long. Somebody's going to have to be at home with the kids. You know, I don't know. That's a tough one. And that is a big ask for you to move all the way out there. But if that's what she really wants to do, I want her to do it. And I just want you to do what's right for you, which is what you have to figure out. Which it sounds to me that you think, like you actually, the fact that you think her dream is ridiculous, which is what it sounds like, I would not go out there. Because at some point, you're going to be fucking pissed, you know, when

rodeo season starts, and you're watching it on some little square TV, and she's over in the corner going to be or not to be. And you're like, what the fuck, you'd like to make me a fucking sandwich instead of sitting over there doing that. I'm just, I just don't want you to get involved in that. There have been a lot of stereotypes in this story. And it's because I'm ignorant. All right, what should what I should have said? Oh, one of my favorite things here, what I should have said, how many times does somebody say something to you? They're out of line, right? They're in your kitchen, they're right in your fucking grill, whatever expression you like. And what happens? You kind of freeze up in the moment, you're like, what the fuck? And then the moment that you should

have said something goes away. And as you're walking away, as you're driving away a year later, fucking a week later, whatever, you realize what you should have said. This is what this segment is about. Number one, here we go pool douche. Long time listener, first time writer. I've always wanted to say that. And it's true. I'm writing in about the passive aggressive people you spoke about on Thursday. And I almost always find myself in that situation where I'm just like, oh, okay. And I never even noticed what happened until after the fact. Anyways, all capitals. I was at my local YMCA taking a swim in the pool. And this dad and his kid comes in. The kid looks about 1516 ish. And almost immediately the lifeguard asked the kid to help him set up the floating

lane diver thing, the fighter thing. I was watching them out of curiosity because I never saw it done before. When they got done, the kid sees me looking and squares up a little bit and says, is there a problem here? Confused. I kind of just went, Oh, no, I was just watching you guys hook the thing up. I've never seen it done before. Then he goes, Oh, okay. With a that's what I thought tone. Oh, an attitude. Oh, that reminds you know something I know that feeling. And I think the Beatles wrote a song about it. That's going to stay with you. I continued to swim for a good couple of minutes before getting out to go hit the showers. And it wasn't until then that I picked up on what happened. I was literally in the shower naked jumping up and down and anger saying how much I would

fuck that kid up. I wanted to drown his little ass and send his body floating back over to his dad. Oh my God, dude. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. So much shit comes out when you're in the shower. Regret things you should have said. Shame. I don't know what is about the shower. That's when I just I just started thinking over my life. He's do a bit about that. You start trying to shout all the bad thoughts out of your head because they're embarrassing. You just start thinking like, ah, is everything all right in there? I think I did that on one of my little fucking routines there. Anyway, that's really all. Love the podcast. Love the family. Stay happy. Stay safe and healthy. And I'll see your bald ass in Bethlehem. Bethlehem. Where is that? Is that in Israel?

Or is that Jerusalem? Does Bethlehem still exist? Jesus. Bethlehem City. Oh, there's one in Pennsylvania. Is there one in Israel? Anything is biblical. I just see Israel. There is. Oh, Jesus. The control of Bethlehem passed from the Ottomans to the British at the end of World War One. Bethlehem came under Jordanian rule during the 1948 Arab-Israeli War. All right. There you go. All right. We conveniently spoke around a number of groups in that little description. Shopping cart douche. All right. Hey, Billy, something insulting that starts with B. Oh, don't tap out like that. I still love Billy Babushka. Got one of those

stories about wishing I had said something for you. I was 18 or 19 working as a shopping cart wrangler at the only supermarket in town. I'm sweating my sack off. Sweating my sack off during the pre-4th of July rush to keep up with the flood of people coming in and out. I'm stepping out onto the sidewalk to get more. When a guy in his mid-40s walking into the store asks me to grab a shopping cart for him. They're all of six feet from where he's standing. I say no problem in my best customer service voice and turn around to grab one and hear him say, um, I think you mean yes, sir, because no problem makes it sound like I'm inconveniencing you. Oh God. Who raised that person? You know what? You don't, uh, at the end of the story, I'll tell you why you can actually

find humor in that. Um, I get what he means. I don't get what he means. Don't fucking be. Oh my God. Don't, don't, don't find an excuse for this fucking guy. He goes, I get what I mean, but he went from being all casual, asking for a favor to holier than thou cunt Huffer mean Heffer trying to put a teenager in his place. I'm pretty sure all I said was, yeah, and handed the card off to him, but I think about this guy at least once a month. Just know that this guy is existent is existences. He gets off on on saying that as a grown man to a teenager, make a minimum wage, collecting fucking grocery carts. You know, that's the kind of person he is. And the way he made you feel is how he makes most people feel.

And, and when you go around living like that, you, yeah, you have a shit life. He's going to have a shit life. Just know that. What a fucking cunt. I think you mean yes, sir. No, I think I meant no problem. I think I meant I might shove this over the, I'll be a fucking ass. Now I'm upset with this fucking guy. Oh God, you know what, this should be like a superhero for that type of a moment that just flies in and just says what you want to say. So you can't get fired or punches them in the face and you can't, I wrote a sketch about that about a superhero that comes in

when you want to punch somebody in the face, but either you can't beat them up or you're going to go to jail and this superhero would come in. He was called the dropper and someone would just be a fucking asshole to you. Man or woman. And this fucking dude would come in with this cape and just blast them right in the face. And before you could thank him, he'd fly away. That would have been a perfect job right there for the dropper. I think you mean yes, sir, because no problem means it sounds like I'm inconveniencing you. Bam. Thank you, mask man. All right, Bill Bershow. Hey Bill, I have a great what I should have said moment that actually took place at one of your shows. Center in the square, Kitchener, Ontario. I was with a few friend, oh man, I always have a great

time in Ontario. I always seemed to, one time I went there in the summer, the other times, two times has been in the winter when he can skate along the canal. That's fucking amazing. I was there pretty soon with global warming and just be rollerblading. I was there with a few friends and we were having a blast watching your openers and getting pumped to see your act. Right before you came on, some drunk asshole sits a few seats down from us and proceeds to start talking through the entire show. He was responding to things you were saying as if he thought he was having a one-on-one conversation with you, generally just being annoying. A few minutes go by when I finally say, hey, shut up, to which he responds, hey, why don't you mind

your own fucking business in an extremely expressive tone. I was too stunned to respond in the moment and he went on talking through the rest of the show. That's interesting to me that you had the balls to say, hey, shut up, and then you kind of retreated. I've been there too. Sometimes this moment pops into my head and I think about what I should have said, maybe something like, I paid X amount of dollars to see this show, so it is my fucking business or something to that effect. What do you think? You know what most of these are? It's just you're raised right and you have too much to lose. Somebody comes in that fucking drunk and acts like that much of a douche and they don't care about just starting swinging on somebody and going to jail

and having a court case and all of that type of shit. And the reality is so many people have these stories because you're a fucking adult and you can't walk around. Certainly as a man, you just can't walk around saying everything that you're thinking because you can get the shit kicked out of you. I don't know how it works with women. I don't know how their deal is. I mean, if you base all of them on the Real Housewives, which is not fair, they pretty much say whatever the fuck they think, no matter how mean the shit is. I don't know. Is that why they outlive us? Not because I say they're nagging us to death. Maybe it's because they just fucking say everything that it's a two-way street. You know what I mean? I don't know. Don't listen to me.

Don't listen to me, but you shouldn't say these things. You should have a lot of what I should have said. I fortunately don't have a lot of those with my wife. What I have with my wife is I have, I wish I should have said it this way, which is a good thing because saying things another way, usually that first way you want to say it when you're pissed is it's never going to come out good because it's usually prefaced with, well, I'll tell you why you fucking asshole. At that point, nobody's listening. It's like you have to somehow master your emotions and just be like, you know, and I'm telling a story right now on stage about this great argument I got into with my wife where she was right and I acknowledged that she was right and then I wanted to do me a favor

and then it's a long fucking convoluted fucking thing here. I don't even know if that's the right word, but I said something in the middle of that argument that kind of changed things in a great way in that argument and the last like 10 days of my life. And to hear that story, you're going to have to come out to Vegas. That was just complete bullshit. That was just me trying to fucking hype my show. And if you'd like to hear the rest of this funny thought, come out to the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, July 3rd. No, don't beat yourself up over that. You know what you do is you what's great about becoming a comedian is then you can immediately go on stage and you tell that story and then you get something out of it. You get a laugh out of it. You get other comics

saying, it's a great new story or a joke. And then you also get to say the thing that you wished you said, then if you're smart enough as a comic, you fucking say everything you just said and talk about how much it bugs you and how you're going to think about it for years or whatever. And that's the thing that everybody relates to. And then that's what, you know, you get that great laugh that's beyond just laughing. They're laughing because they relate and they know what you're talking about. So anyways, what a fucking dick, man. I'm not going to lie to you. I have to walk that last one off a little bit. Oh, what a douche. Who says that? I think you mean yes, sir. I mean, does that even sound like something that a person would even say in that moment?

To me, that sounds like, you know, like a bad movie where they're showing, you know, where they're overly writing a character. Like this person's a dick just for the sake of being a dick. Like there's no backstory. Like this guy's an asshole. This guy is nice. You know, when you're watching some terrible movie, there's no layers to anything. They're not even people. They're just their adjectives, asshole, hero, hottie, right? Fuck. I'm just babbling about this fucking guy. You know what, buddy? You don't need that because I'm going to carry that weight a long time. All right, that is it. That is the podcast. Congratulations to the Islanders. Let's go bolts, man. I want to see a seven game series because I am emotionally not tied to this shit

anymore. And I know Islander fans and Tampa fans don't want seven games because they don't want to die a thousand deaths, but I don't give a fuck because I'm out. I just want my entertainment and you know, I'm rooting for the Vegas Knights. And yeah, I think I'm rooting. I think, you know, with everybody left, I think I got to go Islanders just because it takes me back to watching the NHL on the USA network way back in the day, the USA network, Lanny McDonald, Al McGinnis, Pelly Lindbergh, rest his soul, Eddie Belfour, who else was around? Marcel Dion, fucking Gila Floor, Guy Cabineau, the fucking Stasny brothers, brothers, Colorado Rockies. All right, sorry. That's the podcast. Well, you hung around, didn't you? You stuck around,

didn't you? God bless you. I will check in with you motherfuckers on, uh, was it Thursday? Right? All right, go fuck yourselves.