Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-15-15

Episode Date: June 15, 2015

Bill rambles about Tony Monsanto, cursing in French and Orlando Woolridge.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 15, 2015. And I'm back in the United States. Oh, United States of America and Denny's pigs and a blanket. Yeah, I'm back. I'm back in the United States. And immediately I started putting on weight when I got back here because there's something I don't want the fuck is going on with their food. You know, you remember a long time ago, they had that book, you know, eat like why eat like a French woman, be a skinny bench, bitch like the fucking chick over there in Paris, whatever, whatever it was called. The secrets of being a skinny bitch in Paris, when you're drinking your juice in the hood, whatever the fucking book was

called, has nothing to do with that their food is of a finer quality. And, you know, they're constantly having legal battles with who's those fucking evil cunts. What the fuck is their name the people who own the food, you know, Montessant or something like that. Jesus Christ, shouldn't I know this? Monsanto a fucking Montoni Monsanto, he owns all the fucking seeds over here. Yeah, they're constantly fighting them being like, look, if you want to have your fucking genetically altered food over here, you have to put it on the label that is genetically altered. And these cons won't fucking do it, evidently, allegedly, that's what I'm hearing. I'm also hearing that they sue organic farmers, like they fucking plant their food next to, you know, the property next

door to the organic farmers. And then when the bees like cross pollinate, then they sue the fucking organic farmer for fucking having some of their, I don't know, some of their shit in their food, I don't even get how that works. It's like, well, one of some of my organic stuff, being some of yours, this is like a Reese's peanut butter cup here. But they're bigger, so they sue them, and then they fucking win. So anyways, all I know is if I really have to watch what I eat in my own country, and it's bad, because I want to eat like a fucking animal like I did overseas, you know, and I can still walk around and be a skinny bitch in Paris while drinking the juice in my hood. Is that asking too much God bless America land that I love. And those people like talk their

way through a song because they can't sing anymore stand beside her and guide her through the light with the night up above. The band's still playing like dad dad dad and he's like from the mountain to the prairies to the oceans up above. God bless America. You know, he's throwing a little vibrato at some point. I'm gonna dumb ass mood. I'm still a little jet lag. It's 453 where I'm at right now. I'm probably going to wake up my neighbors because when you live in LA, this you're that close. You're that close to your neighbor. So right now, I'm an extra neighbor. She's probably lying there going like who the fuck is talk singing God bless America. I got a type. I can't far 53 in the morning. You know, my wife watches that show

with the ladies there whose dad is now a woman. And you know, the ones out there and Kyle, you know, the way they fucking talk, I was sitting there, you know, and this is this was a pivotal turning point in me getting along better with my wife was I just gave into reality TV and I you know what I mean? I just dialed into my fucking inner Caitlyn Jenner and was just like, all right, I'm going to fucking I'll feminine it up here. Right. I'll tuck the package between the fucking I'll duct tape my balls and dick to my tank for the next fucking hour and I will sit here and I will watch this horseshit. So I'm watching it, right? And the big one there, as Jay Lawhead calls her the power forward of the Kardashians. All right, she's driving the mere cat one,

and then the one who's married to the fucking Kanye West, the always humble Kanye West, right? And they're driving over to because she's trying to figure out, you know, if the fucking whatever if this splooge made it to the fucking hangar area. Sorry, I'm not trying to get on medical and you guys just trying to see if she's pregnant or what the fuck's going on. So they're driving to some SUV they're in Wyoming, right? Because that's what rich people in California do. They eventually, you know, want to pretend that they're ranchers. So they buy a big they buy a spread out there in Montana or something. And long story short, they're driving in this fucking SUV. Right. The power forwards behind

the wheel is Jay Lawhead calls her. The mere cat is in the fucking passenger seat and old splooge is in the back, right? So they fucking it's snowing. And this truck goes by, you know, the truck has like the wind or whatever, you know, was it goes by. So, you know, James Worthy there is fucking, you know, whoa, going like what the fuck. And then they keep talking and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then another truck goes by and next thing you know, she lost complete control of the car. And as it's spinning, right? The woman in the back, I think she's pregnant. So she's freaking out. Oh, she's got a baby there. A cute little baby is sitting there. You know, reading the fucking paper and they start spinning. So the one in the back, the mother is going, Hey,

fucking, you know, Orlando Woolrich, what the fuck? What's going on? And as they're spinning, the woman behind the fucking wheel is going, it's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. And they fucking they spun into oncoming traffic. Luckily, we're not hit, right? And then they fucking went off the road into a ditch. And the big one, the captain, captain fucking Kirk took no responsibility whatsoever. It was just like, you know, and was actually mad at old sploochy back there because she was upset with her. She's going, I mean, as I was talking about is like when and it blew me into some black ice. It's like, no, you were going too fast. You were driving too fucking fast for those conditions. You lost control of the car with your niece in the car.

You fucking dope. Right. And nobody held her feet to the fire. Nobody gave her an instance like you, you are a fuck up. You know, just standing there with your fucking back of your head touching the top of your back trying to talk to her, get trying to get in a grill, right, staring up from her navel, looking between her titties, seeing a half of two nostrils just yelling at her, Hey, you fucked up lady. Right. None of them said that. And then they just like the fucking just standing there going like when my giant eight foot sister lost control out of the way. It was like so scary. Like they always like build up to a fucking point. You're like, yeah, and and and it's always just like, ha, when this meteor came down at our house

and it slammed in to the roof above my bedroom. And if I have a second, I thought I was gonna die. I was like, so scared. So I am standing up pacing in the living room now like a fucking, I don't know, some fucking pissed off coach who's trying to stay inside the coaches box so he doesn't get it technical. And I'm fucking screaming at the TV like a bad call was made. Completely forgot that I was going to sit there and try and get along with my wife by watching this horseshit. And I'm yelling at the TV. I'm like, no, you fucking eight foot cunt, you fucked up, you were driving too fast. Fast, my fucking voice cracker. You're driving too fast, man. You're fucking nieces in the car. Right? Slow the fuck down. You're driving a four wheel drive

vehicle. You're fucking dope. Oh my God, done with that show. That was it. I tried. I lasted fucking one clip. I'm done with that show. Fucking done with that show. I fucking hate when people do shit like that. And people call them on and that's all about Yeah, it was your fault. It is your fault. Stop being powerless. You moron. All right, you have total control of that fucking situation. You just drive a little slower. You drive a little slower. Anyways, anyway, I should be making fun of them, you know, what they're going through right now, what they're having to deal with, you know, left is white, black is my up and down is black and white inside out and now Bruce is fucking Caitlin. I really I really hold firm on that that people

cannot get upset with anybody in that family if there's still a little fucking wigged out that their dad is now their mom, you know what I mean? Just exactly what is the average, you know, time it takes, you know, for you to fucking get your head around that. You know, I don't know, my wife sitting there going, I was showing his fucking titties to his kids. It's just like he's doing what I mean, I don't is that true? If that's true, I don't give a fuck. That's just wrong on all kinds of levels. You know what I mean? I know I get it. I get it. You're coming back from the mall, and you got a little shop shoppers high going on, and you want to show what you got, but that tits, right? When you were a guy, did you take your balls out and

show them to him? No, you didn't. You don't do that. You don't show your sexual goods to your fucking kids and then compile it with new sexual goods, right? And it's not like new and improved like, Hey, I got my dick enlarged. No, I fucking I got some tits now. Would you like to see them? No, dad, I mean, mom, I wouldn't. Jesus Christ, Caitlin, can you put your fucking new tits away? Is that asking too much? You already took all my rouge. Now you're going to take your tits out? I mean, I'm sitting in a car and I was like, I was like, is my dad taking his tits out right now? I was like, Bruce, I mean, Caitlin, I mean, what the fuck? Jesus Christ, you know, I mean, you think you're having a dude, I haven't been

having the weirdest week. I don't know you haven't know you haven't even having a nice regular fucking time. I got news for you. You've been having a time that is about is that is right is fucking rain. You want to stand me? Well, anyways, what is some of the other shit that people want to wanted me to talk about this week? I don't know. Here's another thing I don't understand. Like, I get the kids being freaked out by Caitlin. I get that, you know what I mean? I get that they need some time on that one. That makes total fucking sense. What I don't understand is people flipping out about this white chick who said she was black. And everybody's going, she's actually white. She's saying she's black. She's got on some fucking

tanner dude, and she fucking kinked up a hair. What the fuck? Like, I this is what I don't understand. Who gives a fuck? I don't give a shit if she says she's Portuguese. I don't care. That's what the fuck she wants. I don't give a fuck. You know, I mean, that goes back to Bruce Jenner. I don't give a shit that he wants to be a woman. But I mean, you got to understand people got a whoa, hey, oh, what's going on here? You know, you got to give you got to give people a couple of weeks. Bruce, I'm sorry. Sorry, Katie, don't call me Katie. It's Caitlin. All right. All right. Sorry. Sorry, Caitlin. Um, anyways, yeah, this white chick who said she was black, right? The only thing I think was fucked up out of all of that. Rachel was her name, which

should have been a dead giveaway. Have you ever met a black woman named Rachel? And I got Rachel, you look so dope today. I got Rachel came out, she was like, so fly. All right, Rachel. Dole is a dole is a dole is L. Now that sounds like a black woman's name. Her last name. She should have flipped around. She should have been dole is L. No, dole is there. I don't know how to say it. Anyways, Rachel, whatever 37 was pictured outside of her home Friday for the first time since the scandal erupted over her misrepresentation of a race. This is what people are flipping out about not that our fucking food is, you know, I don't know, whatever the fuck they do with this shit. They don't tell us genetically altered baby seals washing up onto the fucking beaches.

Fuck all of that. There's some chick from some fucking God forsaken place pretending to be black when she's actually white. Let's focus on this. She also responded to her detractors in a new interview saying what I'd like to say them is I don't give two shits about what you think. I like that. There you go. There you go. You got girl. She then added I do consider myself to be black. Her parents revealed Thursday. This is the only thing that I thought was was fucked up. All right. Her parents revealed Thursday. She started disguising yourself as black in 2007 and no longer speaks to them because they will ruin her image. This chick is out of her fucking mind. But in the long and short of all of it, who was she hurting? You know what I mean?

As far as a white person's go, could you be any more involved in bettering race relations? She killed off the white person inside of her, right? She's working at the N double ACP. What more she got to do on some level? I mean, she could have just been some privileged fucking white chick. Drying around in a fucking SUV. And they are like, I was like that. That I just could have been that. Instead, she does all of this shit. But I don't understand like cutting off your fucking parents. You know what I mean? I wonder if she called them crackers. You crackers got to stay away from my black ass. My newly black ass, because you're going to ruin my image. She has been a civil rights activist in Idaho. That's not an easy gig.

I remember a long time ago, a comic I knew was working the funny bone up there and the Klan was fucking having a demonstration in Boise and he called up the club. He was black, by the way, and asked for a ride over and they wouldn't give it to him. And they were like, why do you need a ride? It's a quick walk over. He's like, I'm because I'm black and the Klan is having a fucking rally you assholes. And then the club was just like, and I got why are you being sad? Difficult. So she was an activist in Idaho. She's she also teaches African studies at Eastern Washington University. And that's a little bit fucked up. You know, I mean, I think she can report on it. I don't know if she can teach about it, right? Or maybe if you read up enough on it, you can

teach the class. I have no idea. She is facing a city ethics investigation after identifying herself as black in an application to serve on a local police ombudsman commission. What the fuck ombudsman? You know, I've been speaking the English language or at least attempting to for 47 fucking year on Budsman definition. Anybody know? Does anybody know? Oh, and Budsman, an official appointment to investigate individuals complaints against maladministration, especially that of public authorities. See, this is why I don't look upwards. Now what the fuck is maladministration? Maladministration. I have to go to the gynecologist today to investigate my maladministration.

My flow is not where it needs to be. Sorry. Sorry. A menstrual flow joke. What do you want from me? Anyway, so she's facing all this shit. Rachel Dozel Dozel, the white NAACP leader. Oh my God, how much shit is she going to get? Like now, because she's done what she's done, when you see her, everyone's just going to be like, Hey, wait, he's trying to drive nuts. Hey, cracker, honky motherfucker. When broke out, this is the fun part here, when they actually interviewed her. Somebody asked her, say, what race are you? And she's like, I don't understand the question. And the guy's like, what race are you? Okay, Rachel, whatever. She also gave an interview about the controversy saying of her tractors. I said that already when pressed further about

her race, she told K R E M. I actually don't like the term African American. I prefer black. Oh, God. And I would say that if I was asked, I would definitely say that yes, I do consider myself to be black. You know, what I don't understand this, you know, if Bruce can consider it, him or herself to be Caitlyn, why can't fucking Debbie here consider herself to be a Desiree, whatever the fuck you want to call her. I don't know, Deisha. Oh my God, look at her parents. Jesus Christ. They are extremely white. They're so white. Her dad's name is Larry. Although wait a minute, Larry Johnson played for the Knicks. But anytime I hear Larry, Larry to me is a white guy, Larry Bird, Larry, Jerry, Larry and Ruth Ann. Oh my God, pictured speaking to CNN on Friday have

revealed their daughter. Spokane's NAACP chapter president is white, not African American. They actually have her fucking birth certificate. Oh man. Oh Jesus. You know what is she? The way she's done her hair, she kind of looks mixed. Although when she was a little girl, she looks like she was on the Olsons. The Olsons? No, the fucking little house in the prairie. Hey, did anybody see that fucking article on Lionel Richie in GQ magazine? You know, I had a nine hour flight. I fucking grabbed every magazine out there, right? GQ magazine, such a stupid fucking magazine, by the way. They got some decent articles, but what was funny was some guy in there just ripped rolling

stones to shreds, because they fucking, you know, had the rape story that ended up not being true and how they didn't investigate it, saying all this fucking horseshit and saying that, you know, I don't even understand why people took it so seriously because they, oh my God, like Rolling Stone has been relevant forever, right? And it's in literally in that GQ fucking magazine. They got, who's that tennis star from fucking Russia? The fucking nine foot blonde who wasn't as good as Serena, but she makes more money because she's blonde and blue eyed, right? She fucking, they got her, she's gonna drive some new Porsche, right? And the quotes that they're using is that she's fucking totally into speed. She likes driving like a maniac and she's a car

person. So I'm like, wow, this girl's even hotter now. How fucking hot is it that some beautiful woman likes to get behind the wheel of a Porsche and just fucking see how fast it can go? And the quotes they're using is leading you to believe that that's what the fuck's going on. And then you read the article and it's like a one page article and she's like, it's like, I like to go fast, but I have too much to lose by maybe in another life. You know what I mean? That's what it was. And you're sitting there talking about journalistic integrity as you suck me into this fucking magazine because I want to read about the new Porsche and this statuette fucking blonde who likes to drive it like 200 miles an hour. That's the way you sold it, your cunts. And it wasn't

that. I don't like that fucking magazine because everything in there is like a fucking $30,000 watch and you're supposed to own like a plane. Like that's supposed to be the thing that I'm going for. It's like one of my fucking James Bond. Like who is this magazine for? Am I a spy? I hate when they have fucking pictures too, right? And they have a celebrity and they're fucking in casual clothes and then they'll be like, you know, fucking, you know, Eddie Rickshaw here is wearing a fucking $900 t-shirt by whatever that's fucking stores. I always think it's herpes. Hermes Hermes, right? Kind of a fucking jerk off. Why would you do, you know, where's a pair of fucking $900 mittens? I don't know, whatever. So I'm off. I'm totally off the beaten path. I

thought this chick here wants to be, I mean, she should fucking be, her and her parents need to fucking work on their relationship. Maybe they can just treat her like she's, you know, African American. I have no idea. Like God knows they live in Idaho. They probably wouldn't let her in the house. They could use the back door and shit. Larry all mad. Yeah, you want it to be black? This is why it's how it is. This is how it is. You are not invited over for Christmas. You can come over and clean up if you want, right? They'd be fucking hilarious if her parents were actually fucking racist and then they start, this is like a Chappelle show skit waiting to fucking happen. So anyways, yeah, they got to, they definitely got to repair some stuff there. I

don't know what's going on with this fucking lady. You know, I don't, you know, she likes to go tanning. She likes to fucking do her hair up and I don't know what it is. If you see the car she's driving, she's definitely a white chick though. Jesus Christ, what is that? What the fuck is that thing? It's one of those things that isn't a van. It isn't an SUV and it isn't a car. You know those things? Whatever you call those things. GMC is almost whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. All right, whatever. God bless her. God bless whatever the fuck she wants to do. You know. All right, where do you go from here? Where do you go from here? You know what you do? You read a little bit of advertising. I think that that's the move to make here. I definitely think that's

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the last like six months that when you actually dress nice, as much as your guy friends break your balls, fucking women love it. And I don't mean putting on a nice goddamn shirt. All right. I mean, just, you know, every once in a while you break out a pocket square. The level of shit you're going to in a sport coat, the level of shit you're going to take from your friends will easily be balanced out by the amount of fucking women that will just be like, oh, God, I like that. Look at you. What's going on with you? All right. Because they slowly dropped it on you like, all right, next thing you know, you're getting blown. At least that's how the fantasy works in my head.

My head, my head, big fucking white freckled head. Oh, yeah. All right. Do you see that fucking lady who yelled at LeBron? He's walking off the court after having a fucking professional basketball team on his back for 82 games in four rounds of the fucking playoffs. You know, going headfirst into a camera and needing stitches, finishing the game like a fucking hockey player, you'd think that he'd get respect even though it is fans of the other team, even though it isn't a way game or whatever the fuck it was. It wasn't a way game. I don't know. I don't pay attention. So he's walking off the court and some lady yells at him from like 10 feet away. She's like, Hey LeBron, would you like to be a punk ass bitch?

And I love the security just goes, what's your mouth, lady? What's your mouth a woman? What's your mouth woman? What's your mouth woman? And LeBron just stopped and glared at her. And I can't tell because everybody did so many mishmashes of the video. I believe she went, sorry. You know, what is wrong with people? That's one of my favorite moments in sports is when some asshole in the crowd yells something because, you know, they're looking at them like they're a cartoon. All right. She wouldn't have said that shit to a regular size LeBron. Forget about what is LeBron six, seven, six, eight, six, nine, the guys literally a giant. Yeah, the guy's a giant. What's with my fucking voice this week? I just love when he just stopped and

fucking glared at her. But you know what I mean? What do you, what would you expect from a sports fan from California? All right, they, they are the worst. I am a huge sports fan and it's depressing how bad sports fans are in the entire state of California. All they, every fucking thing they say ends with the word bitch. This is our house bitch. What bitch? Fucking Dodgers bitch. They're just the fucking, they're the fucking worst. They don't know a fucking thing about the game. And I know there's going to be a bunch of people being like, I know about the game. I'm just saying generally fucking speaking. All right. Like, listen, if you actually said, Hey, Bill, you're from Massachusetts and every time they pan

into the crowd, that is deals. Those are some of the ugliest collections of human beings I've ever seen in my life. I would not argue with you. All right. And I am part of that. If I was in the crowd too, I would cause you to recoil. I always see it whenever they go, whenever they pan into the crowd at Boston, I'm always like, Jesus Christ, look at those people. Look at them fucking animals, right? They'll tell you something about those animals. They know the game and they could talk the game. So can fans of New York, all the East Coast, they can fucking talk the game. People in the Midwest, great fucking fans. Those maniacs down South, they can talk about the game. I don't know what the fuck it is. The state of California.

You know, what's up NBA finals, bitch. This is our house, bitch. Hey, LeBron, your punk ass, bitch. I don't get it. Everybody sounds like they're in one of those awful car movies. Right. The Fast and the Furious in 24 seconds. Get that car out of here. All those fucking movies, gumball rally. All of them, they all sound like they're, they, everybody sounds like they're on fucking MTV Cribs. I don't understand it. I don't know what it is. I don't know what caused it. Was it reality television? You know what I mean? Reality television, they had this formula where they would always have nine annoying white people and then somebody black and they would stick them in there. And then eventually the black person lost their fucking mind because they live in with

nine white people the same way as a white person after a fucking while. You know what I mean? The black person is sitting there and you know, listening to James Taylor in the background. I mean, how long do you expect somebody black to have to deal with that before they fucking flip up? You know, and I just think watching them screaming and yelling, I noticed over the years, all of a sudden, like the fucking white people on the show, they, when they would flip out, they started yelling the way the black person yelled. It was, it's been a real weird thing. Like when you, regardless of your background, you know what I mean? You could be like, you know, the white is like, oh, I got like, I got, I got called this, and everything was like that. All of a sudden,

if you are on a reality show and you got into a fight, you'd be like, what's up, bitch? This is my house, bitch. Your fucking head would be rolling all around and shit. I don't, I don't fucking get it. But anyways, fortunately, the only place in sports fandom that that is seeked into is the California sports, sports fan, the fucking worst, the worst, I will say though, every once in a while, when you meet a California sports fan that actually knows the game, it's one of the great, it's one of the great fucking moments that you can have in this, this state. Like I stopped going to sports bars. I stopped, like if I go to a game, I don't wear any sports paraphernalia. I just don't, I don't do, I mean, look at what the

fuck they did out here. They, they fuck God damn dodger fans. You got a dad with this, with his kids beating to the point where he's permanently brain damaged. Fucking baseball, bitch. That's just, I don't get it. Don't fucking get it. So it doesn't surprise me that she said that I love that LeBron stopped and glared at her. And she was able to be like, Oh, that's not a fucking hologram. That's actually a real person's hologram. The right word. I was like halfway through that sentences. Oh, don't say it, Bill. Don't say it. I'm going to try a new word. I hope it's right. So anyways, the fucking Golden State Warriors, I actually watched the game and I watched that kid there with his chew toy, his little pacifier coming out of his mouth every two

seconds. I don't give a fuck that he does that. And it drives me up the fucking wall. That's, that is one of the greatest shooters of all time. I was actually sitting at the bar with a buddy of mine and he was saying that guy is the greatest shooter in NBA history. And I was like, Whoa, whoa, a, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know he's having a hell of a year. I know he's had a hell of a couple of years. I said, listen, all right, Larry Bird made players from the opposed. He was having a game. He was shooting so well. Players on the opposing team when he hit like his 50th fucking three pointer of the game, it seemed they fell off the bench. The coach of the other team had to scold his players to stop cheering on this guy who was killing him on the

other team. All right. So out of respect for Larry legend out of respect for Kobe Bryant. I've never seen a guy have two or three guys hanging on him from beyond the arc and do a turnaround jumper. And it fucking goes in more than that guy. However, how I will say this, if Curry plays at this level for the next like for five years straight without a doubt, he's the greatest shooter I've ever seen in my life. I'd never seen a guy hit threes the way the guy hit threes. I mean, I like Larry Bird, Reggie Miller. They've they've had those games, but it's just this guy is like unconscious every fucking game. I've never seen anything like it. And watching LeBron carrying this team, I mean, I'm not always you can tell as you can tell, I don't really know this fucking sport, but like

watching what that guy is doing with that team, man, putting that team on his back, dude, like just how much second remember that guy a few years ago, he was that guy who didn't want the ball at the end of the game. And now he's just he's this fucking beast. And for that fucking lady to be a what's like to be a punk ass? But what the fuck are you talking about? I wish he turned around with the walk away and he took like his eight foot arm and just reached and grabbed the back of her bra and went right. He couldn't have done that. I would have sent her flying over eight rows. But if ever it would have been deserved, I would think so. And I have been watching the Stanley Cup final, the Stanley Cup final, the NBA finals, Stanley Cup final. You know, I actually think

that somebody corrects me on that every fucking year. And I was just like, I'm just at that old age now. I'm just like, I say it, I say it. I've been watching that one. And I think the Black Cox winning that game five just won the series going back to Chicago. That's really not going out on a limb, but there's that amazing thing when you see a truly great team that's going to win a number of championships, their ability to step up in the moments and their ability to know how to win a game that's lost. They stole that fucking game five. No, no, they didn't know the time they stole that game four was even when they stole. I think they stole game four game file game five was when the fucking Tampa just kept fucking up on their own end. They fucking the goalie and the

defenseman run into each other. They look like peewee hockey. And they had so many giveaways in their own fucking end. I just, I don't know. I bet as a Tampa fan, your heart had to sink when that fucking happened considering every goddamn game has been a one goal game, that the fact that you give up an easy one like that, you must be thinking that that's like being down like three goals in this series. But anyways, it's been an amazing thing. And if if Chicago wins three in the last six years, man, I would say that they are the new Detroit Redwinks. And I mean that is a highest compliment because the Redwinks had that run for like 10, 11 years where every time you thought, you know, there's stars, okay, Iserman's getting old. All right, this is done. They just

have that next fucking superstar step in. And they just fucking knew how to win. And I don't, I'm a big fan of dynasties. I like, I like seeing like, I don't like this team wins next year, this team wins next team, this team wins like you need you need dynasties. So you have like that, those timeless players, you know what I mean? Like as much as people, you know, who play against the Blackhawks all the fucking time say like Vancouver fans who probably hate the fucking Blackhawks, right? Or Minnesota fans, St. Louis Blues fans, as much as you hate them, you got it, you got to admit, even now, Jonathan tapes, he's the fucking man. You have to, I'm gonna give a fuck. I don't give a shit if you bleed your fucking team's color. You just

there's no way we're on this one. Anyways, I'm going to watch that game tonight. And I actually think that Chicago closes them out. However, I am going to be rooting for Tampa because I don't have a dog in this fucking fight. And I don't want the hockey season to end. I'd like it to go seven games. And by the way, I think this has been the best NBA finals and Stanley Cup finals, like in the same year in a long time. And it's been fucking great. So I'm glad I'm back in the country here, where I can actually watch this shite. And speaking of which, am I going to go to, am I going to go to these yet? Did anybody see Hillary Clinton's fucking speech where she went up there dressed in Democrat blue? Oh, my God. At the risk of burning a bit,

because I'm definitely going to talk about this, to sit there and watch her talking about rich people. When her and her husband go to that Bilderberg fucking meeting every year, where the world's richest fucking people, most powerful military people and most powerful political people all get together and decide how they're going to carve up the country, the fucking world this year. She's at that fucking meeting and she's sitting there talking about the working man. As country doesn't work, if you guys can't work, whatever the fuck she said, I'm going to get you guys some jobs and everybody's like, yeah, you dumb little flag. I don't, she's literally making fun of the super rich. It's like Hillary, how are you going to get

into office? You were a senator. What does that pay a couple hundred grand a year? This fucking job costs a hundred million to get costs a hundred million to get to then make like four in a grand a year as president, right? How the fuck are you going to get that job? From what? Regular Joe's $25 contribution to your fucking campaign or these fucking cunts, the exact rich cunts that you're talking about is how you're going to be fucking president. You're going to owe all of them favors and you're going to do exactly what the fuck they tell you so you can get a second term. And then in the end, when your fucking presidency is over, you're then going to go around the country and give speeches for a million dollars a night. Nobody's worth a million a night,

but you're going to get paid a million dollars a night and you're going to go right back speaking to the people who put you into fucking office and they're going to give you a million dollars as they don't even fucking listen to you, right? Cause they don't give a fuck. All they're doing is washing their bribe money and if you can't fucking see that and you're going to sit there and vote for a Democrat or a Republican, I can't, I can't even have a fucking conversation with you and you people who sit there and say, if you vote for the libertarian fucking guy or whatever that you're throwing your vote away, you're not, you're not all you're going to get. It doesn't make a difference. Who wins the Democrat or the Republican? You're going to get the exact same shit fucking sandwich.

It might be a little to the left, a little to the fucking right, but it's going to be the exact same shit sandwich because those rich cunts have money on both horses. So no matter what they win, right? So the fucking, if you vote for somebody outside of that, all you're doing is encouraging more people that there's hope that you can maybe somehow undo this fucking situation. I don't know. I actually think that it's, it's fucking over. I don't think that it's possible. You know, it's, it's so fucking depressing though to watch people once again, once again, are going to sit there and listen to a candidate who's a Democrat or Republican, make these stupid ass fucking promises and they lose their fucking minds,

thinking that it's actually going to change their lives for the better. You know, I don't know. Sorry. I know that's fucking super depressing. That's just what I think. So anyways, let's get into the questions here for the week. All right. And if you listened to these questions, I'm going to get Joe six pack of fucking. All right, French listeners. Hey Bill, I thought I'd let you know we appreciate your acts and think you're doing a good job. I live in Paris, France. Oh shit. Look at this. And yes, you're right. We're mostly assholes to people, whether they come for France or abroad. And I don't think you guys are assholes. You guys treated me nice. Currently with a couple of friends, currently with a couple of friends having a good

time listening to your rant slash jokes. And since I've been following you for a few months, I said to myself, let the guy know you enjoy his jokes. Well, I appreciate that. So there you have it. You have to come to, you have some French listener idiots over here that enjoy your show. Please keep it up. Have a drink with some French people at some point and go fuck yourself at another. Well, I'll tell you, I'm going to do a show in France at some point. Actually, I already talked to my agent about it. There was a theater over in the, the sea Saturday, I think it was called the odion. The odion theater. There's a stop called the odion on the metro. There's a theater, the odion theater in, in Paris and gay patty. There it is. Odeon theater. It's a fucking 800

seat. How do you say that? How do you say 800 in French in French? Wait, man, I remember. I fucking see song is what song that is. I don't fucking remember. You got to listen to French talk radio. I love that because over here, when you listen to the English ones that go in like to, to, to, to, to do what you need to do here. Don't you see you have to like, you know, that fucking dragon and hours you're trying to come up with your thoughts, right? Put your thoughts together over there. They go like it's fucking, I'm telling you, you smoke a joint, you listen to that shit, you're gonna fucking laugh your ass off. So anyways, the odion theater is it's located at

Cornell in the seaside, these mo of patty on the left bank of the sand next to Luxembourg garden. Oh yeah, I know where that is. I just love that. I know where that is. It was originally built between 1779 and 1782. Right back before particle board and nail guns took you a little while to build something in the garden at the former hotel to a neoclassical blah, blah, blah, blah, the theater was inaugurated. Wait a second. This is what I love here. It was reopened in eight, it burned in 1818. Everything fucking burned down back then. It was all made out of wood. You didn't have any fire hydrants. And some jerk off comes in and drops his cigarette down, suck the blue right throws the fucking thing down all of a sudden. And everybody's just like run for

your lives. Right. And the whole thing fucking burns down. They got the bucket brigade trying to pee on the fire. Then they just like God damn it. All right, let's rebuild it. And they start all over again. That's why they weren't great shape back then. The building and rebuilding of shit that burned down and their fucking food wasn't genetically altered. That right there, that is a recipe for a six pack. So anyways, that is my goal. I want to do a show there. Nia's already given me shit, you know, because I'm a fucking workaholic and she's giving me shit going like, can that just be like the one city where, you know, we just hang out, you know, we have some us time, you know, which she's so fucking right.

But I'm a guy. So I'm going to fuck that up. I thought I finally got it. I think I finally get being in a relationship and how to keep a woman happy, believe it or not. I think I finally get it. I don't know how to explain it to you because it's like embarrassing because it involves feelings and listening and being respectful. And all you women right now who went like, you see, that's a two way street. All right, it's a fucking two way street. So anyways, I don't give a fuck. I'm still going to play over there. Come on, man, to have a show in Paris, if AC DC can play in Paris, you know what I mean? They can't, you know,

there's no fucking way I can sit there and not want to play that place. I love AC DC, you know. Pawn Scott, one of his last fucking shows he plays in Paris, I gotta, I gotta fuck it. I don't give a shit if Carol and people fucking show up, right? I don't give a fuck. I'm going to do it. I'll be like, look, it's one fucking show. It's one show. She'll give it and she's a sweetheart. So anyways, that's nice that I got some, I actually got some letters here from people and from France and they're actually helping me with my French. All right, the French correction from a lady. That's fucking great. Hey, Billy boy, I'm listening to your last Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast and I have to correct you about your French insults. Oh, by all means,

I don't want to be like Roman Moroni. You fargan bastages. That's a fucking quick question. The next one, are you fargan ice hose that something, remember that? It's going to have his fucking bells, his fargan bells in his sling. You corksucker. Jesus, the mouth on that guy. Roman Moroni is one of my favorite characters of all time. It's in Johnny Dangerously. He's an immigrant and he, he has a potty mouth, but he mispronounces all of the curses. So I don't want to, I don't want to be the Roman Moroni of France. So anyways, she says, I'm listening to your last Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday. And I have to correct you about your French insults. If you want to say fuck your mother, we usually say Vanika Tamere. I'm

really nervous about N I Q U E R. Like that could be like I could accidentally say the N word there or say something homophobic because the N kind of looks like queer. Nick where funny queer Tamere. You got to help me out. Can you sound spell that so I don't fuck it up? Say that instead of boss air is preferred here. Um, about this is bullshit about something a better translation will be say, say, say, this is shit. I like that better than this is bullshit. This is shit. You're getting right to it. Say that mad. Hey, Jack, say, that mad.

Um, say that a man, um, rather than saying say some day, Connery, Connery can be, can be employed when you want to say to someone what you say is bullshit. And the translation is too red to reconte de Connery. I know I stink. I got to get the Rosetta stone here. And in the last one, uh, employed, very employed in France. Let's see, look at that trying to fucking up the English here. I guess this means used a lot in France. Espèce de Connard. I hope I'm saying that first word right, which I'm probably not. When the person in front of you is the biggest asshole that you've ever met in your life. What does it mean? Connard is that pig? You fucking pig? Or does that mean you're an asshole?

Oh, there's two ends. I don't know. Well, thank you, Sabrina. Hey, by the way, you guys, anybody French listening to this, if you can help me out with anything just like, uh, New Orleans, Bruxelles, we're going to brunch. I learned that yesterday, right? We were going to go to brunch because I had like, you know, I'm trying to fucking be a better husband here. So I'm just like, all right, this is your ESPN sport zone. Let's go to fucking brunch. And, um, oh my God, what a shit show. Brunch is the dumbest fucking thing ever. Let's go to breakfast when everybody else is going to breakfast. So we can all, you just, you just see these fucking people as you're driving over there, all these breakfast places, but you're not going to them. And you

just see all of these people just standing outside, sitting on benches, staring at their fucking iPhones. You know what I mean? And considering breakfast is the easiest fucking meal to make. You can't scramble up some eggs yourself while your wife makes some pancakes. You can go make yourself a grand slam breakfast. You guys can sit around, right? Somebody's got the orange juice. You got some music playing. And guess what? There's a table, the kitchen table, no waiting, right? But that's not what they want to do. I want to fucking go out. Everybody look at their outfits. Everybody look at the fucking outfits. Um, so anyways, all right. So now we've got one from Manchester, England here, Manchester, England bill. I'm a big fan from across the pond

as you Yankees, you like to say, not Yankees, Yanks. Don't call us Yankees. All right, I'm Red Sox. You understand me? I was wondering if you, I was wondering if you ever consider filming a special of sales, preferably in England. Thanks for the laugh, you cunt. You fuck. Every last year, be miserable. How are that thing used to go? Don't make me laugh every count with a long face. Um, what I ever considered doing a special overseas. Yeah, I was actually considering doing one in France, just doing it in French and just putting the fucking thing out. And then I could actually do the same one in English

somewhere else. I'd have two different fucking specials. I wouldn't give a fuck if a bunch of them English speaking countries saw the French one, they're not even going to know what I'm talking about because they don't speak French for the most part. And that's the way we get a little two for one there. You know what I mean? Right there. Like right there, the way I'm thinking comedically is I am thinking the way Home Depot thinks like, how can we take those two employees, make them one and get the same job done? And we make more fucking money. That's what I'm doing. You know, I'm being a bit of a, I'm being a little, I'm being a little cheeky. Um, what I consider doing one over there, um, I don't know. I don't know if I get you guys enough

that, uh, that I would do that. I would, I would tell you this though. I really enjoy doing one last, last time down south. I think what everybody seems to like to do is to get in front of their own people. Um, because you don't want to get heckled or anything. But I think there's, there's some fun that is lost when, uh, you stand up in front of a room that's all you, you know what I mean? I think you want a little back and forth. Personally, like I've always enjoyed, you know, people yelling out to me. I don't, I'm more, I don't give a shit if someone yells out to me. I mean, if you're just being an asshole and just trying to disrupt the fucking show, obviously that's annoying, but I say a lot of stupid shit on stage. So it doesn't surprise me.

You know, when I'm talking about the wage gap that some woman yells at me when I'm in the crowd, and then to be honest with you, I really want to hear what she has to say because I'm trying to learn something about it because I don't have to deal with that shit. And the only way that I can hear that is through my own fucking man ears. So it's good to hear her fucking perspective. So I don't consider that a heckle. I consider it a conversation. So getting back to that to go to England, I would probably say some shit deliberately to get you guys going, because what's the fun? What the fuck is the purpose of me going over to England? If I'm not going to give you guys a little bit of shit, and then you give me a little shit back, and then we all fucking laugh, right?

So maybe that could be a good idea, sir. That might be a good idea. I don't know. I would, I would definitely consider it. I would consider it, you know, I'd run that up the flagpole. All right. Let me do the last little bits of advertising here. And then I'll answer your last questions you guys can get on with your life. All right. Stamps.com, everyone. Making trips to the post office is becoming a thing of the past. You just don't need to do it anymore. Thanks to Stamps.com. You already know that going to the post office is inconvenient. Yeah, but you know, if you're into collecting stamps, or if you want some cool stamps, you know what I mean? If you're one of those nerds, you know, if you're into that, like bird watching, you'll

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you? All right, let's get on with the last questions here. Dilemma, Billy Bird, would you rather play 15 seasons in a professional sport and win zero rings or win one year rookie year and suffer a career ending injury the next? Oh, Jesus. No, I'll take the 15 seasons. I'll take the money and put the rest on a gift certificate. No, I would rather as much as you want to win a championship. There's also playing for the love of the game, you know? And there's also, I think, I think, I think most athletes would choose playing 15 seasons because you want to play, you know? You also, if you're going to fuck up your body, I don't want just one fucking, you know, what kind of contract did I get my rookie year? I mean, if I had a shit contract and I was on

that team and I got my ring and then I blow out my knee the next year, I'm working at the fucking, I'm doing landscaping and people like, hey, you're playing a Super Bowl and now look at your trimming edges. You know, that would be a motherfucker. You know, it would take a while to get over that emotionally. You know, like, I bet he, you know, what's his face there for the Broncos? I was at the game too when he suffered his career ending injury. Terrell Davis, I was at that, can I ever tell you guys that? I was at that game. I was doing some college gigs out in Colorado. And as always, I always try to build the road around something, you know, beyond just doing stand-up. So, you know, you get a feel for that part of the country. And one of the big things

for me was always going to sporting events. So this was, they were still in Mile High Stadium. They had just won back-to-back titles. John L. Wade retired, right? I always wanted to play one more year if they could have got three. But, you know, Terrell got hurt. But what if Terrell got hurt if John was playing? What did they have passed on that play? Who knows? Anyway, so they were playing the Jets, J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. And that's when Bill Parcells was there and he was building a monster. And they were going to win their first Super Bowl. They were one of the favorites to go to the Super Bowl at the beginning of the year. So I, you know, I saw that they were going to be playing the Denver Broncos in Mile High Stadium, like the fifth week of the season or

something like that. And lo and behold, John L. Wade's not playing. It was supposed to be a this great fucking matchup. The Broncos were 0-4. The Jets that year, Vinny Tester Verdi blew out his Achilles 10 in the first game of the year. And that's when Keeshawn cried, right? There's nobody to give me the damn ball. That's my quarterback. No, that's my quarterback was that other guy, that other lunatic. That's my quarterback. You don't talk about him. That's my quarterback. So the Jets were 0-4. So it was two fucking 0-4 teams and I showed up and there was like nobody there. The scalpers had a mountain of fucking tick. I bought a ticket for fucking face value. I could have probably got it for less, but you know, I'm not one of those people. It's like,

all right, dude, you'll break even. Here you go. Give you fucking money. And I went to the game and and that was the game that Terrell Davis, unfortunately, would have been. I still think he is one of the great fucking running backs of all time. And I mean, I can't imagine what that guy had to go through emotionally after winning two rings and just wondering what might have been. I think despite winning the championships and knowing what that feels like, I think the the equal to that high would be the low of what could have been. And you know, and when he's watching all of those greatest running backs of all time, he's left off that list a lot because he doesn't have because what people do in those arguments is they immediately go to the Almanac and they go,

all right, Emmett Smith has 17,000 fucking yards. You know, they look at Dickerson, Walter Payton, fucking Jim Brown, OJ Simpson. They go through all of those guys and they're looking because their career numbers are up there. And then guys who got hurt, Barry Sanders, you know, Barry Sanders, who would I think is the greatest running back of all time? The greatest one that I ever saw. I would say the most complete I ever saw was Walter Payton. I'd say the most devastating just of speed and power that was a precursor to Bo Jackson was Earl Campbell. Bo Jackson was like a faster, but I would say not as strong as Earl Campbell. That's how big Earl Campbell was, by the way.

Bo Jackson and Barry Sanders, I would say those four were the best that I ever saw. And but then as far as just effortless, the greatest, just most beautiful runner I ever saw was Eric Dickerson. Eric Dickerson didn't even look like he had to try. He just looked like he was just, he looked like he was jogging and you couldn't even, you couldn't understand why people couldn't catch up to him. Ah man, that just makes me fucking, that, that, that was football back then. I fucking, I dude, that's the greatest thing I've, do you realize I grew up, you know, started watching sports in the late 70s and I got to see all of the late 70s in the

age, like the golden age of football was in the 70s. I got to see the end of that. And then the result of it, the West Coast offense, Eric Corrielle, all of that, Dan Marino and all those guys come of age in the 80s. All those great running backs. And meanwhile in hockey, you had fucking Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, those great Edmonton teams. The mystique of the Canadians was, was still there. Um, I'm not insulting Canadian fans. Like it just, the big bad fucking Bruins, it just, it just was fucking amazing. Perfect amount of the greatest

goal scorers of all time. Fucking Paul Coffey scored like 49, 50 goals as a fucking defenseman. It was unbelievable. And then there was always a fight like every, like period, period and a half. It was fucking perfect. And then in basketball, you had Larry Bird, Magic Johnson that then went into fucking Michael Jordan. This is just the fucking 80s. And baseball was the one that actually kind of dropped off during that time. But even though they dropped off, you still had the Wizard of Ozzy Smith. You still had Kirk Gibson's home run. You still had the Bash brothers in the, the Oakland age, right? The Yankees dropped off or whatever, but it was still great.

Still, still fucking great. That's like the 80s might be the greatest decade ever. If you were just a fucking sports fan, an American sports to watch. I'm arguing that right now. I'm saying it might have been the greatest one. It might have been. Um, all right, Walmart fight. Hey, Billy birthday boy. How are you? Happy belated birthday. Thank you very much. Just wanted to share with you what I believe to be the finest display of white trash entertainment found on the internet. This video has gone viral and where I, uh, where I live and it's not every day. You see two obese fat fucks duking it out in a Walmart.

It's two women. I've actually seen this, uh, this video and, um, let's see, what does it say? I'm sorry. I was just making sure that I wasn't in mono again. My headphones felt weird here for a second. Uh, this video has gone viral around where I live. Um, the lady does bring her kid in off the sideline at one point. So I guess we can call it a family outing. Anyways, just thought you'd have a chuckle and your, and your podcast last Thursday, June 11th was one of the greatest ones. Thank you. I mean stitches make you all right. Thank you. Um, yeah, I did see this and I actually loved, I don't know what this says about me. I loved that that little kid took out the shampoo

bottle, you know, and was helping out his mom, you know, what is the kid supposed to fucking do? Like that is exactly your mom's losing the fight. You got to jump in there and save your mom. I mean, even if you don't love your mom, that's your ride home. You're fucking seven years old. So he goes to take the fuck. He grabs a shampoo bottle. Dude, it was like wrestling back in the day. Captain Lou Albano comes in with a foreign object. No, and the ref didn't see it. I guess people got upset because some were telling the kid not to do it. And then one woman was saying, telling the kid to do it. And I agreed with her because if you're just going to stand there and you're not going to break up the fight, you know, I don't know. At that point, I think everybody's

guilty at that point. I actually thought it was great. And I actually thought that that kid could have swung the bottle a little harder. I would have liked to see that kid get a little more torque. He needed to twist his body. He went more with like hammer fist motion, which I understand because UFC is really popular. But you know, if he got one of those, one of those baseball videos, you know how to swing a bat correctly, you know, they broke it down into the three fucking movements. He got that thing going on. He would have knocked her out. I just love that one of them drives up in like one of those fucking motor cars because they can't fucking walk. So you're thinking like, oh, maybe you have some sort of disease, maybe you're paralyzed. I don't know what the fuck's

going on with you. But you know, I respect that you're in that thing. And I'm going to get out of the way. And all of a sudden she fucking stands up like some preacher put his hand on her forehead. It turns out she's fine. And she's fighting and shit. So it really came that that was the most fascinating thing to me. It's like, so why are you in that motorized car? Are you just fucking lazy? Or are you a genius? Because I got to admit, you ever seen those motorized cars? Those things can fucking fly. And there is an expression why stand up when you can sit down, why sit down when you can lie down? Why walk when you can drive? You know, all you got to do is lay off the donuts and you're crushing it. Anyways, I don't know what to tell you. All right, that's the podcast for

this fucking week. I'll put the link up for that. I don't have any any crazy predictions for the finals. I think that they're going to go the way that they're going to go. You know, I think Chicago is going to win the cup. And I think Sacramento is going to win the title. And I'm happy for the fucking Warriors, man, if they went and I'll be happy for the Cavaliers that they fucking win. I really like both of those teams, both those organizations and stuff. I just like them, you know what I mean? Neither one of them is one and for fucking ever. You really can't, if you're a true sports fan, you know, you got to be happy for either one. And then as far as the Stanley Cup goes, I'd love to see Tampa win because I'm a huge Steve

Iserman fan. And I just, I said this before, I just like Tampa in general. I like the Devil Race. I still call him the Devil Race fucking pussies down there. If we say Devil Race, does that mean that we like the devil? Can we just call him the race? I mean, I'm getting nervous. Shit, I live on a houseboat out in Clearwater, Florida. I'm just a regular man. I don't think, I don't think for myself. I think if you say a word, that means this, this daemon's going to come out. I come right up out of the pictures now and and and and bought the picture on a neck like a vampire and then and he fucking has lightning coming out his fingers. We all turn into daemons and I'll never get to see my lord must save you Jesus Christ. Can we just call him the race?

All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves and on Thursday I'll check in on you.