Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-16-14

Episode Date: June 16, 2014

Bill rambles about tattoos in Utah, freaking out before his special and getting attacked by a mountain lion.

Ikea, tip of the week. If you want to get a gift, you can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. When does this summer start officially? I know it's June 20 something, I'll tell you. But the global warming has come out to tell. I got to watch the volume this week, okay?

I have to keep it low fucking key because I'm actually recording Sunday, June 15th in Salt Lake City. How come I didn't pronounce it? Salt Lake City. I'm in a hotel room here and I got to keep my voice down because I don't want to offend whatever Mormon is next door in that hotel room with his fucking 22 wives or whatever the hell they do. It's funny, when you come out here to Utah,

you think what you're going to see is you're going to see a bunch of Mormons walking around dressed like they're on Little House in the Prairie and one guy with like four wives, five wives. I don't know how many times I've been out to Utah but it finally dawned on me that if you have five wives, okay, and you know each one of them wants to have like two kids, the average woman wants a couple of kids, right? I'd like a boy and a girl, you know, one of each.

You know, looking at you like you possess that sort of like trick shot sperm. Like are you playing a game of horse? All right, you got to make the shot from over here and over here, one of each. Then you move on to the next round. So that right there, if you have five wives, one of each, right? If you're going to have kids and wants a boy and a girl, you're looking at ten kids. So you're going to have ten kids, five wives. I mean, how many bedroom house are you going to have to buy?

Basically what I'm saying is the reason why I've never run into one of these people with all the wives is there's no way they can afford to live in the city. You know, you'd have to rent out a whole floor of a fucking condom. A skyscraper there, condominium, co-op if you will. So that's what it is. That's where they are, man. They're over the fucking hill. They're over the hill.

So I guess I'm never going to find them. So you're probably saying, well, Bill, what do you run into when you go to Salt Lake City? It's absolutely beautiful. A bit of a scary landing here. The city itself seems to be surrounded on at least three sides by a mountain. You know, like the old Denver Broncos horseshoe shaped stadium where, you know, when they'd go to kick the field go, you could see the parking lot on one side. And then all you saw was a bunch of fucking orange painted maniacs on the other.

By the way, I never understood why they did that, the horseshoe shaped stadium. It was, I just always struck me as such a half ass job where it's just like, why don't you just finish the fucking thing? You know, or just keep bleaches on both sides. Have it be symmetrical. You know, I actually know somebody who builds a lot of shit and he sucks it. He's good at it, but he sucks it. He wants to do everything himself and protecting the identity of this person.

But the dude redid his fucking kitchen and I walked in and I'm eyeballing the cabinets. And you can see clearly one of the cabinets is like an eighth of an inch or a half an inch. Like it just looks weird. You can tell that it's longer than the other one. And the guy's like, I don't like symmetry. I'm not into symmetry. I'm thinking my head. Who's not into symmetry?

I can see in landscaping it doesn't look natural if everything's symmetrical on both sides. I get that. But when you're building something to say you're not into symmetry, isn't for all my construction fans out, people in the construction arts, isn't what that person's really saying that they don't like to measure or they don't like to go back and fix their mistakes. So they just sort of plow ahead. That's basically what this fucking thing looked like.

And all I'm thinking is, okay, if that's what the cabinets look like, what does the electrical look like? You know, and I immediately wanted to get the fuck out of there. But anyways, let me back up for a second here. So when you come out here to Utah. Yeah, so they got like, I think it feels like it's surrounded on at least two sides. All right. Like that Winnipeg football stadium that I saw that I guess they're going to tear down.

They had bleachers on both sides, nothing in either end zone. And it just looked cold as fuck. If you went to the game. So it's, you know, and especially this time of year when it's, when it starts to get hot out, I don't know why, but like it tosses you around a little bit as you come in for a landing. And so I'm on the plane. And this fucking lady in front of me might have had the worst tattoo I've ever seen in my life.

And it went all the way across her back. It was like this. It was green ink. And it was some sort of tree or some sort of something. It's like, Jesus Christ, we get it. You know, you're fine. You like nature. I don't understand.

It's like, I like the Bruins, but I would never get a giant B put on my back. Well, why'd you do that? It stands for Bill and the Bruins. No, it stands for fucking moron. It was just a horribly, horribly like, you know, my parents left when I was four years old, just drawn like, you know, my buddy who sells meth, you know, did this tattoo. And I've noticed that there are a lot of tattoos out here, a lot of bad fucking tattoo. So if you're, if you're on that show, what does it fix?

My tattoo, tattoo mistakes, whatever the hell it is, that one where you guys always draw all the flowers over. You send me Sam fucking Daffy duck in the ass, whatever somebody could decided to get on their butt cheek. Right. You come to Utah. I mean, I don't know. I mean, why would you just further fuck the thing up? I guess the guy, I guess because you're trying to draw something over it that that makes it creative. I mean, I think that they should just paratroop a bunch of people in here who were in tattoo removal.

You know, and I just have like, you know, when they dropped the tanks in with that flat piece of wood underneath it, just have the tattoo removal machine and you set up a tent like mash and you just have all these people come in with their awful green tattoo tattoos and you just remove them. And then you immediately take them into another tent and you start showing them, you know, just video footage of what a good tattoo looks like, you know, or maybe some art, or maybe you give them a plane ticket and you get them to travel outside of these fucking trees. So they stopped drawing them on their bodies. Am I being too judgmental? Am I? Well, maybe I am.

I don't know. You know what this is? This really has nothing to do with the fucking two women that I saw in Utah with those tattoos. I judge all fucking, you know, whatever, half a million women that live in the greater Salt Lake City area has really nothing to do with it. It has to do with the fact that I am taping a special, a stand up special this Friday night in Atlanta at the Tabernacle Theater, two shows. And I'm getting fucking antsy. So I'm lashing out of people now. So I apologize to, you know, the 99.5% of Salt Lake women that don't have fucking green tattoos.

I'm also being a cunt because I haven't boozed since the day I came back from France, which was April 18th coming up on fucking 60 days or whatever. I'm working out. I look good, but I, I, you know, as far as, you know, best I can do it 46. Okay, let's not get crazy. Yeah. I, yeah, I just want to take this fucking thing. So I got two more shows tonight here in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys, which I got to tell you, man, underrated, underrated for the week Wise Guys Comedy Club in Salt Lake City, Utah. And from what I heard, Joe Rogan's coming out here in the next week or so.

I guess David Tell was out here and went on Rogan's podcast and Joe's great podcast and, you know, and Dave was raving about this place. So Joe called up the next day and I guess he got a booking out here. And so I don't know, man, I got it. I can see why David Tell was raving about it. It's just, it's perfect. It's a fucking perfect comedy club. The ceiling is at the exact rate, height, the way people are seated around you, the way they drop the checks, the whole fucking thing. It's just great.

If I, if I was actually going to design a comedy club, did you just ask that from your fucking elliptical machine? You know what I would do? I would do everything that they got there at Wise Guys. The only, the only thing I would change, I would have, I would design it where the green room is right off the stage. That way, if it was a mean crowd and maybe you only, you almost got into a physical confrontation with somebody, you have the option of not having to walk the gauntlet and go through the crowd. You can just step right off stage and you're right to the green room. Much like the punchline in Atlanta, which is great, although you can't lock the door as far as I know. But it's still nice.

There used to be a comedy club in New York City called Comics and that thing was a fucking fortress. I guess you could run through the curtain, but even then there was a door down the end of the hall. You, you walked off stage and you stepped down and immediately you were in a hallway. If you went to the right, you could go out and say hello to the crowd or you could go to the left and you could disappear into the green room. And, you know, this week I haven't been coming out after shows just because, you know, I got my special coming up and, you know, you go out and you shake a bunch of hands. God knows what is all over their fucking hands after you shake a bunch of hands and I can't be getting sick this week. So whatever. That's what I've been doing this week. Been eating as perfect as I know how to eat.

You know, as I know, that's the key thing is I know how to eat because I've only partially read up on nutrition. But I'm trying to go veggie the whole time I'm out here and eat a bunch of beans and all that fucking shit. I gotta tell you, here's my pet peeve about veggie restaurants, two things. One, when you look up vegetarian restaurants, the amount of times that it comes up with like, I guess, I don't actually explain this to me. Why do I always get like Chinese restaurants and Thai food restaurants? And to me, it's like, okay, I get that there's no meat in that dish, but this salt is through the fucking roof. And don't get me wrong, I love Thai food. All right, Chinese food, I don't know.

I don't know. All right, Chinese food is a little shady in my book. But like, you know, I like eating, that's that shit you eat, you know, when you're just like, let's just fucking, who gives a fuck? Let's eat this food, you know? It's like when I asked the fucking Siri there, robot lady there on my phone, you know, and I asked her, said, vegetarian restaurant Salt Lake City. Like all of a sudden, all these Chinese and Thai restaurants come up and it's just like, can't you tell I'm trying to eat healthy? I don't eat a bunch of fucking noodles with salt poured all over it. That's not what the fuck I'm trying to do. I'm trying to get down in my fighting weight here.

So anyway, so then I had to go in like vegan restaurants, that type of thing. Here's my pet peeve with vegan fucking restaurants. The goddamn things have weird hours. All right. There's two of them within walking distance in my hotel and neither one of them is open Sunday. Neither one of them is open. Every fucking burger joint from here to fucking Colorado Springs is open. It's goddamn vegan restaurants.

How come they're not open on Sundays? And you know what a lot of carnivores would say? It's because they're too weak. They can't eat the rest on Sunday. Can't fucking take it yet. Nothing gives you less energy, less energy than eating in a healthy way. I am so fucking sick of that shit. And people talking about electric cars like, could they go up a hill?

That's why I'm starting to pull away from the whole conspiracy theory thing. I think the whole thing just works itself. You know, because there's just enough people out there that don't know shit. Myself included. Jesus Christ. I'm top 10 on that list. And it's really not like a group of people living under a mountain. It's just a bunch of mouth-breathing morons. Or not even.

People who just don't fucking know anything. You know? Like I've been talking about I want to learn how to fly a helicopter. And people keep saying, you don't want to do that, man. Those things are falling out of the sky all the time. They're really all the time. And everybody's okay with that? Just every other...

Mary can't come in to work today. Yeah, a helicopter fell out of the fucking sky. Did it happen to her again? I mean, don't get me wrong, it fucking happens. It happened in Scotland this past year. Everyone fell on a bar. Horrible story. But I mean, obviously.

I mean, shit happens. Okay? Shit happens. Shit happens on the ground, too. You know, how many times a day do people step on a rake? Right? Does that mean you leave the leaves out there and burn up your grass? I don't think it does.

Dude, if the fucking engine cuts out, you know, that's it. You're fucking done. You just dropped like a stone. No, you don't. You don't. Jesus fucking Christ, look it up. Just look it up, all right? You fucking auto-rotate.

Like I'm saying that like I know how to do it. Although I have watched people on YouTube do it. It's pretty... It's pretty fucking impressive. But whatever. Whatever. Look, my brain is all over the fucking place this week. I can't stand the weight the week of to do my special.

All right? I am ready right now. I'm actually sitting here in my boxes and my t-shirt, and I am ready to throw in some slacks and a shirt. And if I walked out my hotel room and they just passed me a mic and I began my special, nothing would make me happier. All right? This is...

It's like... It's like I just want to get out there and fucking do this goddamn thing. Because the second it's over, all fucking red faces on vacation. I'm on vacation, everybody, for the first time ever. I'm taking the... Basically taking the summer off. I got a couple of gigs here or there, but I am dialing it back.

You know, and by taking off the summer, I mean I'm not going to be jumping out a bunch of airplanes. I'm going to be, of course, in the comedy clubs out here in LA trying to build up my next hour before my next special comes out. But I'm going to be sleeping in my own bed. I'm going to be getting drunk in my own house. I'm going to be putting on all the weight that I took off from my special in neighborhood restaurants.

I'm going to have a great time. Become an old billy fat face again. You know? Right now I'm malaria William. Now don't get too skinny. I love it when people say that to you. Don't get too fucking skinny. It's like if I lifted up my shirt

and you saw the horror show that's underneath it, you're just used to me being really out of shape. Now I'm only kind of out of shape. All right? But believe me, Calvin Klein will not be calling me ever. You understand? Which really disappoints me. Because I think it's about time they did a spread

of a 46 year old redheaded male. Shirtless. Okay? So if they're listening. All right? I'm throwing my fucking hat in the ring. How bad? How bad would this stock plunge?

You never know. Because I used to watch that top model show with Nia. You know? I mean, I got to find a middle ground. So it's like if you're going to watch some reality, at least I can look at some beautiful nine foot women walking around with a look on their face like somebody peed in their okra.

Right? And so many of them, they had beautiful bodies, but their faces, they were fucking weird. So I finally said to Nia, I'm like, you know, what the fuck? Why? What is with her fucking? She looks like she put on an astronaut helmet

that was too small. You know? And she left it on for like 24 hours. And they just pop the thing off right now. You know? And she's just like, well, you know, Tyra likes, she likes them. She thinks they should be a little weird looking.

And I was just like, why is that? So she doesn't feel intimidated. You know? What's her problem? She's been on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Was she trying to help other people because people used to make fun of her forehead? You know?

A lot of that people made fun of Tyra Banks' forehead. You know? Like if she came walking up to you, right? Doing that thing where one leg is stepping over the other leg for some dumb reason. You know something? I have to be honest with you. No matter how good a woman looked,

if they came walking up to me like that, doing the step and over each other's foot, you know, every other foot, well, what the fuck I'm trying to say, right over left, left over right, with that look on their face, with their hair blowing, that's supposed to look so amazing. If that actually happened to me in real life,

I would be sitting there looking at them. Do you guys ever see young Frankenstein? You know? You remember when Gene Wilder's going, it's alive! It is alive! You know? And Frankenstein's just kind of sitting there looking at him

like, the fuck is wrong with this dude? That's how I would be looking at him. I'm not saying, you know, that they're not beautiful, but whatever. I'm fucking making too many left turns here. I don't even know how I got to this. I was talking about weird looking. Oh yeah!

So I'm weird looking. I'm a weird looking fucker. Who knows? Maybe it could have. I don't know, does that work? Yeah, I guess it does work. I was thinking maybe it wouldn't work. Are women into weird looking guys?

And not from my experience. No, I'm kidding. I was kidding. What are they into? They want security. And that translates to money, because that's how the fucking world works. So are they really whores?

I don't know. When we return. All right, I'm going to pause here now. I actually don't have my advertising, so I'm going to have to record it later and drop it in. So right now I have to pause so I have a place to fucking edit this into.

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I'm the worst. Okay, and we are back. We are back. I hope you enjoyed that read. I hope I did a good job on it, all right? Because I'm reading that sometime in the future. So anyways, I've been, you know, with my fucking ADD, I've been trying to learn how to, you know,

just work out more efficiently or fucking whatever. So I've been eating right and that type of thing. And I've gotten into all these, you know, hella climbing the rope and doing pull-ups and shit. And I stumbled onto a couple of YouTube videos. Of course, I don't have them up here, but I'll definitely send the links to Andrew to have them up here. A couple of these home gyms you could have in the garage.

And one that's actually part one. Every part series where this guy teaches you how to do a muscle-up, which is basically, if you ever saw somebody do the pull-up and they basically go past that chin up to their chest and then basically get to the point where they do a dip at the top of the bar, the other half of a dip, because you don't have to go down because you start, I just explained that in a completely confusing way. You know what I mean?

You shoot past the bar and then you push yourself up with your arms. So your arms are then straight at the top of the bar. And I remember the first time I tried to do that. If you could have listened to the... Do you remember when... What's his face? William Wallace was getting his entrails yanked out. Okay, do you remember that noise Mel Gibson was making?

If you could fucking take that audio and then turn it up to, you know, do the chipmunks holiday records, that's what I sounded like when I tried to do one. Aside from the fact that I completely lacked the strength, my technique, I didn't understand that very little of it is your arms going past that bar. And I'm not even going to try to begin to explore. Well, I will. Might have them supposed to be funny on this. Why don't I try to explain it?

It's basically, you're coming up, when you're pulling yourself up, you sort of explode up and you got your legs are a little bit in front of you. And then right as you got your chest up to the bar, you do a quick sit up in the air. I swear to God, which causes your legs to swing down like down past you, like a fucking pendulum and you actually roll up onto the bar. So it's really, it's your abs sitting up and then your legs swinging up from underneath you that gets you up over the bar and then your arms are in positions,

position to, to then push yourself up. And it's like, oh, that's why I was fucking up. So I figure, I figure if I just, you know, train doing that for two months over the summer, trying to get my technique down, right? And then I somehow, you know, jump into the cocoon pool. I had to be able to do it by 2016. What do you think? Maybe do the human flag?

One of those fucking things. I'm just fascinated with people that have that kind of strength. And then I found, I don't know, you just click on that. Then the other things that they suggest, I clicked on like five others. And all of a sudden I was watching these guys climbing what was considered the hardest rock face to climb in the world. And these fucking guys, I mean, I bet you're about doing pull ups, you know, I got my whole hand around that these guys got like that, you know, that little joint at the top of your finger, they're hanging on like that.

And they jump up to a thing and they're like four of their fingers. That last little joint, a grab and some little crevice. And I'm telling you, they reach up and they grab it. And you, and the people on the ground hear them all the way on the ground. You hear them, the guy jumps up and he grabs and just hear. They do that the whole fucking way up. They got a grip called the pinch grip. Just imagine holding a dictionary or really thick book, right?

And you just sort of would hold it straight down, you know, on either side of it, you're just holding it by the binding. Yeah, like that kind of a grip, like the lobster grip. And the thing is like it's, uh, it's, it's faced up and down. What's the fucking word perpendicular? I have no idea. It looks like a nose coming out of the fucking cliff and they jump up and grab one of those and then just pinch with their fucking hand. And then they got one little toe and a crack below it, just holding that. I mean, watching these guys do this shit, I swear to God, it's like these guys, I mean, I don't know.

Like if you ever had them in prison, it's like, how long could you keep them in prison? The second you got them in the yard, you'd have to have a fucking scope on them at all times because they would just fucking run over to the corner. Well, one wall meets the other wall and he's a little 90 degree turn. They just kind of all the way up the top of it. Next thing you know, that thing be right in your face like that fucking grizzly bear that ran up that tree. Have you seen that YouTube video? This guy sitting, he's in a fucking tree, like a bow and arrow trained on this black bear and the black bear looks up and sees them. And within two seconds, it runs up the tree next to him and is above him.

And they're sitting there like going, dude, what the fuck? Holy shit, what the fuck? They're like freaking out. And I don't know why. I was rooting for the bear. I wanted the bear to maul that guy. I just think it's fucked up to go out and shoot a bear or an elk or a moose. You know what I mean?

Can we just keep it with cows and chickens? Isn't that enough? Fish. All the fish to get fucking killed. I swear to God. I swear to God. The more I look into that shit, it's just brutal. You know, where I go hiking in California, when I hike.

And by the way, I do wear short shorts with aerobic socks when I hike. There's a fucking mountain lion. There's a mountain lion in the canyon. And that's been freaking me out. And they have these cameras set up all over the place. And over the last couple of years, they've taken pictures of them. They just took a picture of the thing recently. And I swear to God, it looks horrible.

And what they're speculating, it happened is the thing is eating coyotes that eat rats, that eat the rat poison that people put out, you know, to kill the rats. And if you saw this thing, you know, I am terrified of getting mauled. Okay. I'm terrified of the ocean, getting eaten by a shark, getting pulled out by the riptide and getting mauled. Any of that fucking shit. Any shit that involves me.

I just can't imagine when one of those cats is you're walking, right? Just reaches out and grabs you. Okay. Just turns you into like this rag doll. How little fucking control you have your ability to fight back. It's like, dude, you're fighting fucking Edward Scissorhands, but fast, you know, or like Freddy Krueger on all feet, just that alone. You ever get scratched by a fucking house cat?

It fucking kills. Can you imagine a goddamn mountain line? Just grabbing you and pulling you over to its fucking mouth. Oh God, feeling that breath on your neck. Jesus Christ. I'm fucking terrified of those things. That's just a mountain line, which is like a house cat compared to a tiger, right? So, but I saw the things face.

It's just like, that's, that's terrible. It's fucking terrible, man. So I don't know. I'm not trying to get all Peter on you here. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm all over the fucking place this week. So anyways, I'm really want to get you guys those clips because there's three clips I want to show you that have really inspired me to try and get back and, you know, I don't know.

You just stop walking around with this 15 pounds of pizza and beer weight. I'm just fucking sick of it. You know, I've knocked off like half of it. I just don't understand how far down I got to go to have a flat stomach again. You can't even do it. Once you, once you get that fucking belly, it's just over. And you try to fucking lose the weight and you just lose muscle. And no matter how you eat a whole goddamn chicken, somehow your fucking arms are going to shrink

and your belly is just going to be sitting there laughing at you, jiggling, you know. You know, it's funny. I actually got a fucking email this week. And I know you guys are thinking, Jesus, Bill, you have major body issues. Yeah, I do. Well, you know what? Why don't you get, get, get, get on fucking Comedy Central's premium blend. Why don't you do that and then get yourself a fucking Twitter account.

Let me tell you what kind of body images you're going to have. People aren't exactly nice to you. Um, they start off nice. Hey, really funny shit. But what's the deal with, and then you end up getting like, oh fuck, I never even noticed that about myself. So anyways, here's somebody says fat shaving. Bonjour Guillaume, French for William. All right.

I actually knew that one. Chimampel Guillaume. Uh, Raymond. Uh, I am a long time listener and I love the show. I am a big guy and fat shaming works. It really works. Last September, I was sneaking a pizza in my car while listening to the show and you had another rant about fat people and you basically described exactly what I was doing. Like you, you were somehow watching me eat.

It made me laugh uncontrollably and I decided to get serious about losing weight. I quit boozing, which is something your show inspired me to do and ate healthy and exercise twice a day. Uh, I was off the bottle from September until February and spending the holiday sober was quite a challenge, but I got my weight down from 310 to 254. Dude, congratulations. What is that? Let's do the math here for this guy. 61 pounds times five miles of capillaries for every fucking pound. That's 305 miles of less of capillaries that your heart has to beat every time.

Isn't that wonderful? We'll be right back on Dr. Oz. Sorry, everybody. Uh, I was pleased with my progress and I started working out less and resume drinking till mid April when I weighed myself at 273. So I gained 19 pounds in about two and a half months of drinking. I was shocked. Therefore, I am off alcohol again and, and, and weigh 243 now. Holy shit.

He says, my goal is to weigh 210 before I drink again. Please continue to make criticizing, uh, oh, please continue to criticize the fat asses because you do it in a hilarious yet respectful way. Thank you for your help. Oh, dude, that's great, man. You know what's great about what you did was a lot of people, if they went from 310 to 254 and they started, you know, going back to their bad habits, you then, you know, gain it all back and then some. I'm surprised you weren't 320 something. So the fact that you actually, uh, got back on the scale at 273 shows, uh, you got a lot of willpower. Then you dropped another 30 after that.

So what are you down altogether? 243, that's 57 and 10 is 67 pounds. Dude, that's amazing, man. That's amazing. Uh, well, if you go back to boozing, what I would suggest is, uh, drinking whiskey or scotch neat. You know, or drinking vodka on the rocks or something. Just it's kind of, that's like the vaporizer of boozing. You just get right to it.

Like all those chick drinks, um, not only do you suck it down, you get a brutal fucking hangover. First of all, and then it's just all this extra bullshit, you know, rum and coax. You know, you have five rum and coax. Would you ever sit down and drink five coax? I can barely finish one after a while since I can feel my stomach expanding. Like I'm in some hot dog eating contest. Um, so yeah, I would go, I would go back to that and then, um, I would somehow limit, uh, your intake of it, which I got to be honest with you. I don't know how to do because, uh, speaking of boozing.

Okay. There's a segue for you. Um, so here's the deal. I basically said I wasn't going to drink until my special. So I, I'll be done with my special Friday night. And then I was kind of thinking like, well, you know what, I want to close out June. You know, cause I didn't drink for the entire month of February or May. And if I get June, then I'm kind of balanced out.

Right. I drank January, March and April. Didn't drink February, May and June. So I'm kind of, you know, I'm fucking got the ying and yang of being a drunk douche and actually being sober. But, uh, the thing is, is the last weekend in June, I'm at, uh, I'm at the Mirage in Las Vegas. And it's not going to be hard not to drink, you know, cause I don't, I don't gamble. You know what I mean? I'm too fucking old to go hang out and do that type of shift.

If I'm going to booze, I would just go back and drink by myself in the hotel room, which is I'm not going to do. However, excuse me, I had to take a drink of water there. Um, coincidentally, and I don't know how this happened, the all in tour starring Joe Bartnick, Jason Lawhead and Paul. Don't say I'm from New Jersey. Versey is going to be there on the Sunday night. I'm there Friday and Saturday. I can't fucking believe it. They're going to be right across the street.

You know, so what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What? What? I'm not going to hang out with them. And you know what's funny? That's going to be like June 28th or 29th.

And, uh, what am I going to do? You know, I got to do it. So I'm going to go over there and I'll tell you what's funny is I've been dying for some Miller High Life. There's something about the bottle. I don't think the beer tastes that good. It's just the best bottle ever. You know, looks like a fucking lady. And there's a part of me to relate to you, sir.

I don't want to go back. I miss it, man. I fucking love drinking, but, uh, I like how I feel not drinking, but, um, I don't know, man. As I said to Versey before, whatever the fuck I said about the devil in me, the devil is, uh, devil is rearing his fucking ugly head. I can't remember what the fuck I said to him, but I feel it. Like I need to, what I'm hoping to do is just get absolutely plastered with them and then immediately go back to, uh, sort of, uh, not being an idiot. And then actually doing these workouts that I was telling you guys about. And you might think I'm obsessed with this stuff, but I am.

I mean, who wants to be a fat fuck? Nobody. You know, don't you want to be in good, of course you do. All right. I don't, I don't need to get into this shit with you guys. You know, you're a bunch of adults. Um, yeah, I fat shame myself all the fucking time and it fucking works. All right.

Well, let's get beyond this. Let's, let's move in a different direction. Let's read another, uh, wait, before we do that, I haven't even talked about anything. Let's, how about that? Let's talk a little bit of hockey. All right. First and foremost, all crown the LA Kings, the Kings claim the crown. Second time in three years.

You know what's weird is I thought the blackhawks were going to win it and they were going to say that they were going to be a dynasty. Okay. If they won three, because that would have been 2010, 2014, 13, 2014. So they would have won one, they won one, three in five years and they're saying how competitive with all the free agent signings and all that bullshit. Um, three in five years would now be considered a dynasty. So guess who's in line for next year? The unthinkable, the LA Kings a couple of years ago, you know, we're actually more than that. Four fucking years ago, the LA King fan base was thinking, are we ever going to fucking win one?

I bet if you talk to their fan base, they will probably go and like, dude, I just want to see him win it once. They just went at once in my lifetime. I am going to be happy. Yeah, yada, yada, yada, yada. And here we are four or five short years later, if they went it again next year, that would be, let's see, they would want it in, uh, 2012. Then Chicago, 14, 15, they would have won three and four years where they gave the Patriots a dynasty. So that would definitely be considered a dynasty. Not unbelievable.

What a fucking team. You know, and I also got to say hats off to the Rangers because everybody thought like the East was a lot weaker than they were. And despite the fact that they lost in five games, I mean, three of those Ranger losses were an overtime. I definitely think the Kings were clearly the better team, but just being a, you know, a Bruins fan, I was happy that the East, you know, we didn't get absolutely shelled. The only tough game it was if you were a Ranger fan to watch was that game, uh, game three when they lost three to nothing where they really just got shut down. And game four I missed because I was working. I think that's one of the Rangers won two to one, but whatever, man, it was great. It was a great season.

And, uh, Jim Rome actually tweeted something where he said, uh, you know, once something to the, I retweeted it, something to the effect that once again the NHL playoffs just showed, you know, just saying that basically that they were the best playoffs. Now I'm not going to be someone who says that. I mean, I think they are, but I understand if it's not your sport, but I'm telling you, it's fucking insane. Um, but however, I have also been watching the NBA finals and I actually watched both conference finals and I've been enjoying that too. And, uh, how about them spurs looking to close it up? And you guys know whether they did or not. Um, I won't know because, uh, it's the fucking afternoon here by the time I post this, I don't know who the fuck knows. All I know is, uh, it's been amazing to watch the spurs.

Fucking great team. How about that Leonard kid? Jesus Christ. You know what I like about him? The one clip that I saw, he shows up to the arena looking like he's going to go play basketball. As opposed to everybody else who for some reason show, they show up like they're, they're going to fucking foreclose on somebody's house. Why do they wear the suits? It's like, if you're going to wear the suits, then you ought to do it like, uh, you know, Walt Frazier. You know, and I'm using that reference because I actually, uh, I'm going to get a little Hollywood on you, but I'm doing it because, uh, promoting, uh, friend of mine's, uh,

um, new documentary, uh, Michael Rappaport was nice enough to invite me to the premiere of, uh, screening of, he's got a new documentary out. Um, called When the Garden Was Eden based on, uh, a book by the same name that was about the 70, um, and 73 New York Nick championship teams and basically the building of that championship team. And, um, there's a lot of overlap when I actually, you know, just know when some of the Rangers history, the same thing where, um, the Knicks just weren't even respected. And that same thing, just like the New York Rangers, like right around when playoff time came around Madison Square Garden also brought the circus in and the circus would sell more tickets than the Rangers or the Knicks would. And, uh, so they would have to play like one year that the New York Rangers, I forget who the fuck they were playing. I think they were playing the Detroit Pistons, the Detroit Red Wings jumping sports here, the Detroit Red Wings and the Stanley Cup final. And the circus was in town and Madison Square Garden wouldn't let them play their home games in Madison Square Garden. So they actually had him play it.

I believe it was in Maple Leaf Gardens where the Toronto Maple Leafs played. They considered that somewhat of a home game because Leaf fans hated, uh, Wings fans and they thought that Leaf fans maybe would show up and root for the Rangers. Um, there's a lot of that type of stuff. Um, you really should see it if you get a chance. I don't know. I don't have a premiere date yet, but I'm going to try to get him on the podcast again. Long time listeners. Remember his last, his only visit to the podcast where he trashed me for the Giants beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl and all New York fans, of course, enjoyed that. Go fuck yourselves.

But, um, it's, it's a fucking amazing documentary. And one of the funniest things about it without giving anything away is listening to Rappaport trying to bait these guys into trashing Boston and their fans. It's fucking hilarious. Um, so you definitely check it out. It's going to be on, he did it. It was one of those ESPN, I don't know, 30 for 30, 60 for 60. I don't know what the hell it is, but it's, it's amazing. It's called when the garden was eating.

All right. Is that my horn out enough things this week? You know, how about this? How about this? I got another one for you that I actually watched downloaded legally paid my $5. I watched David Spade's new standup special called my fake problems. Um, definitely checked that one out. What I loved about it was I actually, you know, it's still his, you know, classic David Spade, but I felt it was really personal stuff.

Um, like I, it's easily his best special he's ever put out. So if you're a fan of his or a new fan or curious man, it was definitely worth the five bucks. Um, and that's, that's one of my bucket listings. I want to see that guy live at some point, but anyways, let's, let's get back to the, let's get back to the podcast here. Um, what else, what else have I been doing here? Been watching some World Cup soccer. My fucking TV just went out in the hotel room. So I was watching France.

They were up three, three to nothing. To a zero, however the fuck you say zero. And, uh, I don't know. I get into the World Cup. I think it's fucking awesome. And I do think soccer is a beautiful sport. Uh, I just don't understand why my, my complaint that I've always had with that fucking sport. I don't give a shit about the lack of goals.

Shit. I watch hockey. I still understand. I think it's awesome. I just don't understand why every fucking two minutes, somebody collapses to the ground like they blew out their ACL. And all they did was get kicked in the shin and they have a shin guard there. Now I'm not saying that I wouldn't collapse to the ground, but I'm not a professional athlete. You watch the fucking UFC, those fucking maniacs kick the other fighter with that part of their leg. Now I know they come in at an angle, but it's still their shin.

Now if they can toughen their leg up to do, to do that, you know, I don't understand why these guys, can you make the fucking guard go all the way around their legs so we can keep the movement going? So I don't, I mean, I don't know. My idea of watching a sport is not every two minutes I see a man, a grown fucking man in the fetal position with a look on his face like he's going to start crying. And then somebody comes running up to another player, gets right in his face like he's going to punch him. And you're like, oh great, there's going to be a fight. And then he takes out this yellow card and sticks it up in the air like he's in some Benny Hill sketch.

Other than that, I love it. The scarves, the singing, people going absolutely fucking nuts when they score. I enjoy all of that. So I'll continue watching it. And this year is actually great too. Now that they, they got it away from those crazy horns, whatever the fucking those things will call. Yeah, Jesus, who the fuck's calling me now? Huh? Who is this?

Oh, Jesus. Hang on. The lovely Nia, everybody. Nia, I'm recording my podcast. Can I call you right back? Okay, sweetie. All right. Anyways, where are we here?

43 minutes in. I could tell by the way she said, okay, that I need to talk to her. She's like, okay. Oh, Jesus. All right. What was I talking? World cup soccer. So I have no idea who's going to win that.

All I know is I think that, you know, I think I've watched enough soccer to tell, to know that, you know, the United States is definitely without a doubt going to make the finals this year. If not win the whole fucking thing. Okay. Look, I know they're not going to win it, but I just, I want them to win it so bad because it would piss off the world on two levels. One, everybody fucking hates us. So they're not going to enjoy us actually winning a true world championship where everybody was invited and we were the best. And then secondly, when like 40 people show up to the parade, you know, here in the United States, just to watch everybody having to wait another four years to wait for their team to win it and just see that we won something that we don't even give a fuck about right. Like some hot chick that gets a fucking, you know, a Bentley for a fucking 16th birthday.

Oh my God, why did you get that color? I guess it's okay. You know, that would be us if we ever won the fucking World Cup. And I want it to happen. I really do. Anyways, the same way I wanted my team to draft Michael Sam, and I wanted to absolutely dominate because on two level levels, it would annoy fans. That someone on my team was dominating their team. And then to all the homophobes would be upset that this gay guy was just wreaking havoc.

All right. Oh, speaking of soccer, dear Billy world class. Oh, actually, you know, I got a pause here to read some more fucking. Sorry guys, to read some more fucking advertisers. This is the last little group here. Let me do my little pause. All right. Who's number two in the order?

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All lifting and separating like abroad in the 70s. Do you really need a razor with a vibrating handle? A roller pivot ball, back scratcher, egg timer, laser pointer, corkscrew? I know I don't. We were shaving just fine before any of that crap. We were. Two blades. That was all you ever needed.

You can get it under your nose. They got so many blades, you can't even shave under your nose. And I definitely don't think I need to spend my hard earned cash on it, people. It's a bunch of junk. If you're sick of being treated like a fool, like a whore, like an idiot, a moron, a sucker, a chump. Join the hundreds of thousands of smudder people who join DollarShaveClub.com. DollarShaveClub.com delivers the best blades and grooming supplies for just a few bucks a month. Their blades are better than the big shave companies for a fraction of the price.

You know what? I have sensitive skin, so watch what you say about it when you're around it. And their razors have never given me any problems. Honestly, I have the best shave in my life with their 4X razor. You gotta try it. I've never used that. Stop putting words in my mouth. I like the double blades you got there, sweetheart.

I told my buddy about the DollarShaveClub, that would be you guys. And he shares a subscription with his wife. No lie. I think it saved their marriage. DollarShaveClub, why are you writing all this crap? You have a product that sells itself. Quit trying to make me sound more personal, alright? It's personal the way I fuck up the read, okay?

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Unless you want to keep getting screwed. Alright? That could be Gillette's prison, bitch. Keep doing what you're doing. Oh, God, look at that. Look at that little thing I just opened up. Those are my French words. I stuck with it for two months, and I don't remember any of them.

Okay, and I'm back here. Alright. Alright, soccer? Dear Billy World Class. I don't hate on soccer even though I have a problem with it. There are some great things about the game. Sometimes I wish I played it because it automatically, it would mean I'd have great hair and abs, apparently. What pros and cons would you say there are to the game of soccer?

I think I already answered this. You know what? I just love how the whole world loves it, and we don't love it, and then we have the nerve to sit there criticizing it rather than sitting back going, hey, maybe we're wrong about this. You know? Like, the whole world's on like the fucking metric system, and we're not. You know, God, no, we're going to stick with the foot in the fucking yards. So anyways, let me hear what your complaints are.

Let's see. He says, my biggest complaint other than the pratfalls and wussy injuries is that, well, dude, I've got to be honest with you, if somebody is running full speed and steps on your foot with a cleat, I mean, that's got to fucking hurt. And that's up there. That's like taking a wrist off your laces is the fact that the refs control when the game ends. They don't end the game until a play is over, despite what the clock says. No, that's the penalty minutes for all those guys rolling around on the ground.

To have you relate to it, that's like a snow day. If you get a snow day in like elementary school, you still have to go 180 days, so they just tack on an extra day. You were going to get out of school on June 20th. Now it's the 21st. That's how it works. They keep track of the time. He says, however, in a game yesterday, I watched possession change twice and a yellow card being issued. He puts in parentheses, someone stubbed their toe and the refs still didn't stop the game.

You think NBA refs can mess with the game? The soccer refs got a few weapons of their own. Yeah, I guess, yeah, I guess they can. When I talk about that, I talk about the four major American sports, United States of America, what I'm talking about. But yeah, I guess you can give people yellow cards, give them two yellow cards. But I feel like the crowd kind of keeps the ref in check where, you know, an NBA ref can sit a player and, you know, I don't know. If it was a big enough game, maybe he'd get a couple of death threats. But, you know, in the soccer world, they'll actually carry, they'll actually kill you.

They'll actually run out into the field and like fucking saw your head off. There was something horrific that happened down in South America with this like 20 year old ref. First of all, he had a knife on him so you can tell him what kind of a fucking horrific refereeing job he knew he was going into. And he got into it with some guy and I don't know what happened, but he took out a knife and he stabbed this guy. And I believe the guy died. And then his brother, the dude who died's brother and everybody else ran onto the field and they cut the dude's head off on the fucking soccer field. You know, and we flip out when Ron Artes goes into the crowd and throws 15 punches and doesn't connect once. Basketball players are the worst.

They can't throw a fucking, you know what it is? It's because they were nine feet tall in the third grade. They didn't have to fight. Some of the shorter guys, the six foot ones, you know, they knew how to fight. But I swear to God, first of all, they throw punches like they're trying to throw somebody out from like the warning track. They do that overhand fucking, a lot of them, a lot of them, they, I don't know what the deal is. That would be fucking scary, right? If you actually learned some martial arts. I know Karim Abdul-Jabbar tried to act like he did in those Bruce Lee movies or maybe Will Chamberlain in Conan the Barbarian. Did he fight in that thing or did he just sort of sit on that fucking yak?

I can't remember. Anyways, I don't, I don't really, I'm not going to criticize, I'm not going to criticize World Cup soccer. The whole fucking world loves it. I understand that there's something wrong with me. And, you know, I went to a game when I was over in England, went to that Arsenal game and Nagladi, it was the shit. It was the shit. We just don't have enough time to get into it. You know, like I would say, if you're into sports in the United States, you're into football and you're into basketball. Or you're into football, you're into hockey, all right? And maybe you watch a little bit of baseball. That's how, that's kind of where the pendulum is right now.

But there's very few people that can actually watch hockey and basketball at the same, like the, the amount of space that would be taken up on your fucking DVR, right? I used to do it back in the day though. Back in the 80s, man. We had Bird, McHale, Robert Parrish, you know, fucking Dennis Johnson, Cedric Maxwell, ML, right? And then the Bruins all through the 80s. The ending of Stan Jonathan, Wayne Cash, Binterio Riley, into Cam Neely, Raymond Bork, right? Right? Gord Kluzak, Willie Platt, Lyndon Byers, all of those fucking guys.

You didn't want to miss a game. I used to just, that's all you did. That's why I suck so bad in school. Aside from the fact that I was dumb, was, you know, the beginning of the year, school year, it was football season. So that fucked half my weekend, right through January. And by January, I was in the throes of hockey and basketball season. That shit ended around May, and then it was June. And then I was just like, eh, you know, maybe I'll try next year.

You know? And then what happened? Then I'd go to summer school. Ah, summer school. What a fucking great time that was. Once you just got past the fact that you were still going to school, what you really, what you realized that you were now into this, you boiled, like, it's like when you reduced something by heating it up. And basically they boiled off all the fucking nerds, all the people that applied themselves.

And what you were left with was this high concentration of class clowns and absolute psychos. And it was the, I mean, it was the best fucking, it was like going to a goddamn comedy camp. And where I went to summer school, it was like three towns. So you met these class clowns from three different towns and everybody kind of had their own fucking style. And you had to up your game. I know I've told these stories before. They were just a time the guy poured the coke out on the guy mowing the lawn during the break. And we all ran and we sat down and then our fucking teacher came in who was wearing Bermuda shorts.

I swear to God, I think they were pink. He starts to lessen and all of a sudden the guy who was mowing the lawn comes in. He's got, he had on a white t-shirt and the coke had made brown stains all over the front of it. And he just comes barging in and the fucking Bermuda short teacher looks at him like, what the fuck? He goes, hang on a second. And he walks all the way to the back of the class and he sticks his fucking, he had a square and rectangle head all at the same time, like a Fred Flintstone head. He sits sideways through, you know, those school windows and then looks down and he sees the puddle of coke right underneath the window.

And he's like, yeah, this is it. Which one of you threw the coke out at me? And we're all just laughing, laughing our ass off. And then, you know, the kid who did it admits that he doesn't give a fuck. He's not afraid of the principal. You know, he's on a first name basis with the guy. And it was just like, it was a great time other than losing your summer, you know. Blue's kid and hope, you know, I'm a redhead.

What was I going to be out there sunbathing? All right, continuing on. All right. This is somebody talking about last week, daughter or gay son whore question from last week. Dear Billy friend of gay. I'm a gay male and a listener. Most of the issues that come up in everyday life pertain to the gay community are overblown. I came out in the early 90s.

I'm more emotional and defensive about things back then because the climate was very aggressive towards gays. The truth is we only have a real, we have come a really, really long way. It doesn't mean that the prejudice is gone, but it's a place where they're what where I think where the general Consciousness of the country is in a much healthier place. Last week, Rita asked who which you'd have a whore of a daughter or a gay son. Let me start off by saying that I love Nia and I can see why you do as well. Sometimes I think she is a bit hard on the listeners and quick to label label them as caveman. I got to tell you this for you and everybody else who thinks she's too harsh and you guys just know that she's not talking to you guys.

She's talking to me because she knows how I am and she knows what the fuck I say. She lives with me so when I shut the mic off or when I come home from a comedy club, she hears the shit that I say. And I'm just like you guys, I say all kinds of shit that I've actually had a real job. I'd have to issue some sort of fucking apology because I'm a human being and I'm a moron. So what she does is she thinks she knows all the shit that I say, most of which ends up going to the stage. I usually end up taking it to the stage because she gets so mad at me and you know what one of them was? This is actually a great story. Sorry guys, I'm fucking in this high altitude and I just worked out and keep getting fucking dry mouth here. It's disgusting to listen to me drink here. I'm sorry.

All right, here's a classic one. That bit I did about Rihanna about saying, you know, I'm not condoning what the guy did and blah, blah, blah, blah. But like, you know, I was basically speculating what happened, you know, what happened in the car before that shit went down. I can't remember how the fucking bit went. So I'm sitting there and I say that shit and she just goes, don't even fucking say it. Don't eat because of right when the story came out. Don't even, she was doing that shit, you know, when somebody's so mad at you, they can't even look at you. She was putting her index finger up like going like, hang on a second and she was just sort of looking up with her eyes closed. Don't even say it. Don't even fucking say. And I just start laughing. And I, of course, you tell the comedian, don't say it, you know, they're going to fucking say it.

It's like that Mr. Saturday night scene, Billy Crystal, when he does that, what's with the fucking hair when they said, don't say it. No, you got to say it. So, so I said whatever the fuck I said, and then she got so mad at me or whatever. And then we had a giant debate about a surprise, surprise. And then like a week later, completely unprovoked, my mother-in-law was over. And that story came up again. And she goes, you know, that's terrible, but I got to admit, I wonder what she said. And I start laughing and he is just like, mom, and I felt totally justified and whatever that ended up being that bitter, whatever. So getting back to what you're saying, she's not, she's not calling the listeners caveman. So don't don't label them as caveman. She's really talking to me because she thinks I'm a moron. And then she thinks on the podcast that I am a Pied Piper from moron.

She doesn't understand that the amount of people that listen to this just to listen to how dumb I am and laugh and feel better about themselves or maybe get fat shamed. Anyways, back to the question hand here. He said, however, it is her opinion and I've never thought her wrong for it. This guy's being very diplomatic. In this case, though, she was way off the mark. There was nothing discriminatory about the question. In fact, it was the exact opposite. It was, oh man, I wish she was here for this. It was an inclusive, it was inclusive and represented the types of thoughts a man having a son could have. Raising alarm the way she did sensationalizes some issues that don't even exist. We do not have chronic problems of wondering which sex we'd rather have be a whore. The fact that the question was intended to be humorous, which she did acknowledge, put it in a category of even less offensiveness.

You of her have made many jokes about a million things and implying this is off limits, victimizes the sexual habits of either sex. Her intent was righteous, but it's this irresponsible alarming of any issue that makes it harder for a gay boy to be thought of equally and also makes it harder for a straight person to become comfortable with issues pertaining to sexual orientation. P.S., you look better with a beard. Shit, you know, right as I was about ready to say that this was probably the most grammatically, like, best written thing on the podcast, you could have read that on fucking Meet the Press. That was perfect, you set me up, but in the end you took a nice fucking uppercut. I like having a beard, I also like being clean shaven, so, you know, I'm sorry.

You're just going to have to keep looking at that poster of me above your bed, sir. Okay, because I'm going clean shaven here for a while, all right? You hear that? Clean shaven. All right, fat shaming. I already read that one. What are we up to here? Graffiti, a Billy Copper Crotch. Ah, gee, look at that, just taking fucking rights and lefts here. Is this any way to treat your host?

You know, I invite you over for free. I help you with your commute, and here you do fucking trash and my pubes over there. First off, I'd like to say I'm a huge fan of the podcast. Oh, I know how this goes. Yeah, butter me up so then I put my guard down and then you fucking trash my fucking, I don't know what, my giant forehead. He said, always hilarious, even insightful at times. Oh, look at that, even dummies write every once in a while.

Gets me through the long commute to college every day. He said, Jesus Christ, this kid's 18 years old. Oh, it's even insightful. You little cunt. He said, I'm an 18-year-old from Providence, Rhode Island. I've drank there. I've been into art ever since I can remember. I love all forms of it, except those dumb ass sculptures that look like some more on welded,

a couple of scraps of junkyard metal together in a pathetic attempt at being creative. But the one form of visual expression that has always been my hat and personal passion is graffiti. Oh, man, the question got cut off. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. I got it right here. Hold on, hold on, hold on. As a graffiti writer, I am very aware that many people despise what we do. Consider it pointless, ugly, detrimental to society as well as childish.

Yet I have been utterly curious to know what your opinion slash position of our art form is. Be it negative or positive, I'd be ecstatic to hear you discuss it on the podcast for a bit. Best wishes to the lovely Nia and you, you old cunt. Go fuck yourself. Dude, everybody's trying to steal around this week. You know, I feel like I'm winning and all of a sudden you fucking sugar rate lended me here. PS, you should come perform somewhere in Rhode Island, Connecticut or Boston soon. Me and my older brother have been dying to see some authentic Billy Boy stand up,

but we lack the finances to travel relatively far from home. Well, I'll be there definitely as I build up my next hour. I haven't been to Boston and I think I was February of last year. So I'm dope. I'm definitely dope. All right. So what is my, what is my opinion on it? I definitely think it's an art form. I definitely like any art form. There's some I like more than others.

What I, my only complaint is the canvas that you guys use. I respect the ability to, I mean, some of, some of the, like someone who actually makes like a painting or something like that is incredible. Just sitting there tagging and writing your name. Then it comes down to how, how visually I guess stimulating it is. But my thing is to what kills a lot of it is if you actually spray paint on something that I was already appreciating. And the fact that I know that somebody else owns it and that you just spray paint it all over it. I understand that a lot of that art is this outlaw thing.

Um, you know, I mean, I don't give a fuck, you know, those metal things that they pulled down over the doors. Those are ugly to look at. So when graffiti artists spray painted them, I thought that those looked better. However, you know, if you come up like where I live, you know, there's these guys, you know, I don't know this fucking Armenian gang and they, they tag shit all the fucking time and it stinks. It's just black spray paint and they just spray their fucking thing. It's really dumb. They write danger in one of their things, which is really stupid.

And I've told you before that I think Armenians and Russians are the pit bulls of, of human. Like I would not, I would not fuck with either one of them on any goddamn level. However, I will sit there in the safety of this hotel room in the middle of Utah surrounded by Mormons and say that, that that's kind of fucking lame to write danger. It's just stupid now baiting them to do something dangerous. But yeah, I don't know. I would say it, I've seen documentaries on, you know, graffiti artists and I definitely have an appreciation for it, but I'm happy that they're off the subway trains in New York.

I always hated that shit. Then they started scratching up the seats and shit. And it's just like, isn't it awful enough that these things are going to be filthy because so many people are in here? Do you have to fucking ruin it now by scratching up the windows and all this type of shit? And like, I don't, I don't, you know, all that bullshit that they say, well, you know, I guess with some inner city kids, they have this, you know, they feel invisible and this is their way of what fucking ruining property. I don't know. There's got to be a better way to do it.

But I have to tell you out in LA, there's some amazing, amazing stuff that I have seen. So, I don't know. So I guess, yeah, I do appreciate it, but sometimes, you know, just some of the shit, like they got a lot of stuff. You know, LA is just classic for just tearing some beautiful old building down and then just sticking up a fucking strip mall. And there's not a lot of stuff like that left. So when there is something like that, some art deco looking stuff and some kid comes up and spray paints all over it. You know, I don't like that. I think then I think it's ugly.

I think there was already a piece of art and then you fucking like, in a way, it's like your cock block and you're not enhancing it or whatever. I would say that. You know what is funny though, is when you see somebody driving down the street and like some truck and there's just fucking graffiti all over. That always makes me laugh because I always think about the Griswold family truckster when they pulled in and they went to ask for directions, which was absolutely hilarious. You couldn't do a scene like that now because it would probably be considered too racist or whatever. But it was fucking hilarious. They pull in and they're stealing their hubcaps and all that type of shit and spray painting.

It was basically, it was a death jam bit. Like, what's his face? Chevy Chase was the white guy. You know, hey, how are you? Just trying to get back out on the highway. You know, that type of shit. So, oh, you know what? I forgot to bring up.

Here's something else I wanted to show you guys before, before I get out of here is I got a new rear end put in on my truck. I finally, you know, I went out to Texas when I hung out with those guys over at Gas Monkey. They were telling me because I got still at that granny transmission in there and I wanted to keep it, you know, a three speed on the column. I just think it's cool as hell to be shifting on the column. And so I didn't, you know, I didn't want to fuck with the linkage or something like that. Where all of a sudden, I don't, I don't, I like, I don't actually be honest with you. I don't know if I put a fourth gear. If that means now I got to have it on the floor.

Just so we seem as four on the floor, three on the tree. So one of the guys over there at Gas Monkey was like, yeah, just throw a new rear ended, you know, because my truck basically red lines at about, it was at about 50, 55, doesn't red line, but it's making enough noise with the engines working too hard. Because it's basically designed to just kind of haul shit around on a farm. So whatever. So I put a new rear end. I didn't put a new rear end. Obviously it's, I had some other guys do it and it's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing.

And now it's making me, now it can cruise at like 65, which is night and day, you know, 55 to 65, 65. You cruise in a 55, you're actually going to cause an accident. You bump up that X to 10 miles. It's huge. And now, I don't know, I think I kind of got the bug. I really want to keep the truck as original as I can. But to the point that I've everything that I've changed on the truck, I've kept the original, like when I had an aluminum radiator put in, I kept the original one. I have that in my garage when Christopher Titus helped me do the front brakes basically showed me what to do.

I kept the, the drums and the shoes and all that shit. I have that. And now I have back there, I have my pinion and ring gear from the rear end. And I found this great website. I got to find it that actually explains gear ratios and how to do them. You got to check it out. It's one of the coolest like fucking, it's one of the coolest things sites I ever read as far as like mechanics go. And you really understand like racing a lot better, like the push pole of added.

It's all about weight, you know, trying to get the car to go as fast as it can while still keep keeping it as light as possible. It's fucking amazing that whole balance and just all the shit that they do to the car. It just makes it, I feel like I moved up three levels in my limited understanding of it's really, really fucking fascinating stuff. And I already forget how to do gear ratios, but I counted the rings on my old ring gear and on the pinion and I was able to figure out what kind of rear end that I had. And I was trying to get over to the garage when they were putting the new one in because they were going to actually, you know, show me how like the way Titus showed me. They were going to show me some shit, but of course ended up getting some crap that I had to do. So I wasn't able to do it, but so that'll be it. I'll show you the rock climbing thing.

I'll show you the guy showing you how to do a muscle up and I'll show you what else. What I just talked about the gear ratios. Oh, and then the last thing too, just to keep it fair. So it's not all testosterone stuff. I'm going to show you a fucking YouTube clip that I saw today on how to basic. It's pretty basic how to just make an egg within some bread, you know, like an egg over easy. And this woman actually makes it with little heart shapes. You can do it for your wife.

I'm telling you, this is the type of shit you do that, you know, so then when you actually fuck up, they had that in their head. Oh, well, he made me an egg in the heart shape thing. So I watched this thing showing you how to do it. It's really basic, which is why I could understand it, but I got to show you this thing. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to bait you guys into writing a bunch of mean comments. All right. There's something in the video that is super fucking annoying that you're not supposed to make fun of. So I won't.

All right, but I'm just letting you know that, you know, there's cute and then there's fucking annoying. And I felt that this video went into annoying. But other than that, I'll put that up there anyways. All right, but keep your comments fucking nice. You guys, you guys say way too much mean shit. A lot of you too. You guys go way over the top. You know, if you don't like my wife being on that, I get it.

You can just say that you don't have to go as far as your fucking go. So really, you know, I mean, it's fucked up me saying that considering I trash everything. But, you know, just fucking dial it back a little bit. All right, that's the podcast for this week of fuck yourself. I'm telling you right now, United States. I'm praying they make the World Cup final. I'm praying that they win it and I'm praying that 40 people show up. All right, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves. We'll talk to you next week.