Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-17-13

Episode Date: June 18, 2013

Bill rambles about front porches, Syria and overhead lighting.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday June 17th 2013 you hear what I added something there I usually just say it's the Monday Morning Podcast and I went it is the Monday Morning Podcast as if to suggest that I'm even more impressed with myself this week than I usually am how you guys doing how's your Monday yeah did you have a bad one oh it's okay because there's always Tuesday what you guys do if I actually wrote a show to you in about Tuesday was a blatant ripoff of Annie you know you know I could actually play Annie when I was younger when I was 12 I could have played Annie

oh you know sad and fucking true that is I really could have you know 12 my voice still hadn't changed I had this big stupid fucking you know you know I was getting into metal music I tried to grow my hair long but it just it was too thick back in the day still wish it was thick but we just fucking grow out in like an afro I just look like an extra unlike welcome back Carter you know which is fuck which would have been cool in the late 70s you know I missed my fucking wheelhouse by like I swear to God maybe six seven years if I had been born instead of 1968 if I had been born in 1962 but then you know what I would

have been I'd be 51 right now you know I would have started podcasting late in the game you know being all grumpy you know when I was a kid you had a good job on radio anyways it somebody told me a funny joke that they had in the onion I don't know if you guys read that that that periodical whatever the fuck you call it newspaper faux news is that what it's called I don't fucking know but they had something whether it was somebody sitting in front of a laptop I guess with an anger anguished look on their face I haven't seen it but it says something over 250,000 podcasters stress trying to find guests for their

podcast this week you know what that made me feel good that made me feel really good because I don't have any guests on my fucking podcast rarely do I have guests and that's the fucking main reason because I don't want to have to sit there and try to work with other people and their schedules and that type of shit and fucking you know I don't want to interview my friends so what what is your middle name I don't want to do that and then you know they fucking book shit then they cancel on you and then you're struggling for a guest and then you have somebody in there and you're like wow I wanted this person

realized that they weren't my first choice you know speaking of which that reminds me I have to get back to J more I've been coming in and out on the war on the war going in and out on the road what I say the war because I was just reading a bunch of international shit I think and yeah he sent me a very flippant text message that I intend on addressing you know classic East Coast guy he just can't ask you to be on the podcast he has to put you on the fucking defensive you know so I'm gonna call him today try to set up a time to do his podcast and and and we'll fucking discuss his flippant fucking text message to

me which I did not appreciate all right see that Jay I'm fucking cross pollinating here right fucking guy texting me he's texting me he comes to me with this fucking tone like I owe him money you know where is that fucking text message he writes this shit like gathering I gather by hearing you on other people's podcast you're back in town because I told him a few weeks ago he said can you do my podcast I got no I'm out of town and then I was I went over to Burke Christchers house I'll give you the whole fucking soap opera because I go over Burke Christchers because I'm trying to get him on our all things

comedy podcast network right so I'm shooting the shit over I'm pitching the fucking network to Burke Christcher and he goes well there's my podcast shouldn't do but fuck it let's do a podcast so that's what happened so then Jay gets his tears me on Bert's this is what I'm guessing here's me on Bert's and he's like I thought this guy said he's out of town now you guys fucking panties all in a jersey bunch and then he sends me this fucking thing well I gather you're in town let me tell you something Jay Morse Jay to the motherfucking Morse okay I am not under any contract with you or anybody else in this podcast world you

understand me I am a free man and I will fucking podcast with whoever the fuck I want to whenever I want to young man that being said I'm gonna try to do Jay's podcast this week are we so sensitive I love you Jay more all right okay continuing on speaking of fucking wars because maybe I'll start having a war with that Jay more be good it'll be good for both our podcasts speaking of that shit not like I'm gonna this I'm just all bullshit okay before you guys fucking go epic epic fucking something something Twitter knockout whatever the fuck you don't you know it's all I'm trying to say I fucking know what anything's called

anyways I was on I was reading the news today as I do I got one of those iPad minis for my birthday boo-doo boo-doo boo-doo boo-doo so now what I do is I sit out on my front porch like a fucking old man in a rocking chair and you know that's something I was fighting fighting how great it felt to sit on a front porch sitting on a rocking chair reading the 21st century's newspaper you know I don't have the paper in my hand and it's not some little kid that comes in hey mister right throws the thing over the fucking wall and I'm hey dad thanks thanks a lot there Johnny Apple seed right I get my nickel and he goes oh I

thanks mister he goes down and buys like fucking 80 pieces of candy like you could back in the day right down to the penny arcade you know some guy down there with the fucking Derby on beating you with a cane I was fighting that feeling just sitting out there I'm telling you right now just fucking give in to being an old fuck like me sit out on a front porch if you don't have one use your neighbors right he's at work fuck him that's his fault for having a job you're in between jobs nobody's using his porch right technically that's not even his porch at least the land isn't that belongs to the era court what a fucking

the Apache depending on where the hell you live that's not his fucking land well because a piece of paper says it is I don't fucking know so I'm sitting out there on on on my front porch on my rocking chair and I was just reading about I'm trying to figure out why we are arming the rebels in Syria right and why Russia is arming the dude in power there that a sad guy whatever the fuck his name is right I can't figure out I'm trying to figure out what both sides have to gain you know was that president cool with us and he was giving us whatever he wanted and now he's not so we're like fuck him we're gonna help the

fucking rebels I have no idea I fucking scoured the internet for at least three minutes before I did this podcast that I could not find one fucking reason why we were doing it or why Russia was doing what they were doing now Russia is saying that the reason why they they actually gave a reason they said the reason why they are backing the dude in power in Syria is because the Syrian rebels kill Syrian soldiers and then eat their hearts in front of the locals and if that doesn't sound like a bunch of bullshit I don't know what is so that's his justification he goes well you know they're fucking sitting there right

eating the entrails like licorice you know we don't want to be a part of that and but as far as I can tell we haven't said why we're backing them I don't know because they want democracy which is what we always say but then usually it's there's something else we want there you know something in the gift shop that we got our eye on so I have no idea so I'm gonna pay attention to it you know what I'm actually thinking I've just thinking back at this is just like we're just making money I think that that's what this meeting is about Northern Ireland right and we're like you the US is just like well listen we don't manufacture

anything in our country every more anymore everything's fucking left you know if any luck we can fucking legalize weed we'll finally have some to export again so basically we're not making any fucking money and Russia's just like hey you know you know we're fucking we got a big shit storm over here too all right we'll arm this side you arm that side they kind of blow each other up and we make a little money what do you think sound good all right let's make some funny on to on to break then they walk out then that's it so anyways though those rich cons who run the world I guess they're in Northern Ireland this

week and there's no protesters it's like 2000 protesters you know as much as I bitch I don't think I'd ever go to a protest it's just so much work you got to make that sign you know and they're not not not a big thing is you got to be informed you know you know you're informed as a protester they don't show your interview on TV they always show the biggest fucking wingnut at those things you know half a titty out face fucking painted you know that fucking hatchet dude I don't know sorry this podcast this podcast is all over the place but you know what I have been all over the place I had another wonderful

quick tour I did a st. Louis Cleveland Ohio and in Buffalo New York and I got to tell you I spent way too little time time in each city I had a great fucking time in each and every one of those those places let's start with st. Louis me be in st. Louis Louis I can't remember the name of the fucking place I'm playing everything's named the pageant or the palace I don't fucking remember then my website takes it off the second it's the day of the show it takes it off the thing so now I don't even fucking know anyways I performed in this wonderful theater that I've been to before that I'm actually gonna look up

right now because the owner is so fucking cool and I'm being a dick right now let's see here st. Louis bill Burr let's see what comes up here bill Burr bombs in st. Louis what the fuck is it now where the hell is it oh there is the pageant play the wonderful pageant theater and right up the street there they got a they had all the others a cool old record store which I never got into they had a great pizza place and they also had they had this fucking this bowling alley slash cool bar and it was perfect it was just enough for the old bowling alley thing and not not like a whole hipster thing with the bar and all

it had was like fucking eight lanes it wasn't one of those places that has like 40 fucking lanes so me and Jason Law had went in there killing time during the day and we bowled one frame we were fucking horrific I bowled and I think I bowled in 87 you know I bowl once every five years by the time I figure out how to get some so I bowl a straight ball of course but by the time I figure out how to fucking you know get back into that rhythm whatever the fucking is that I'm doing wrong my fucking hacky swing there I'm usually in the fucking six frame is that the right thing had a beer they had a great time and I went into their their

uh they have a they have a city park there and I was thinking there's no fucking way because they're like you know it's one of the biggest parks a little below the states and I'm like well I've been through Central Park it's not gonna be as big as that shit this thing was fucking huge highly recommend it if you don't like going to gyms I like to work out outside just walk around in that type of thing they got a fucking golf course there's a goddamn zoo in there right I'm walking around the outskirts all of a sudden looking at a fucking zebra right I think it was it I walked the whole way around the outside it had

to have been at least four four and a half five miles and it was a great time that I went bowling went out had a great show what did we do that night oh then we went upstairs to the rooftop bar I'd like this the blue moon or whatever the hell it is the moon tower hotel that I was staying at and went up there hung out met some people after the show everything was good and then there was these two fucking hilarious kids who were like like 21 22 years old level drunk you know this fucking dude came up because somebody yelled something about Tim Tebow during the show so he comes out to me he's like I don't know you know

the Tim Tebow stuff now my guy all right cool man great glad you had a good time three minutes later it comes up to me Tim Tebow stuff all right man yeah I understand you you already said that you're not driving are you okay all right dude listen I'm gonna be over here with some friends I gotta go all right see you sit down fucking like half hour later I'm coming back from taking a piss I come back up and he's sitting down where I was sitting and he just go and he was such his buddy at this point is trying to get him up out of the chair and he refuses to get up or help and the

other guy's too drunk to get him out so it was like this fucking keystone cop shit of this dude trying to drag his friend out of the fucking chair and we're all sitting there me and like four or five other people looking at them we finally just picked our drinks up we went to another table and I think it took him another 20 minutes to get him out of the fucking chair oh speaking of Tim Tebow everybody huh who's got the Jesus freak we do I love all these more on football fans who would think that there's gonna be like a quarterback controversy now that we have Tim Tebow are you forgetting that Bill Belichick

is a genius okay and don't even talk to me telling me he's a fucking cheater all right I didn't want to hear that shit all right unless you're gonna fucking take down every other goddamn coach including oh mr. fucking twinkle toes up there in Seattle Pete Carroll could you look any more honest than fucking Pete Carroll right look at that guy he looks like that fucking mr. green gene guy the next door Flanders on fucking the Simpsons he doesn't have the glasses but he has that vibe Flanders actually looks like William H. Macy with John Lennon glasses but I'm saying Pete Carroll's vibe is that but then you look

at the shit he did at USC and right before the shit at the fan and they were gonna get suspended he fucking takes off it goes up to Seattle hey and what was Pete Carroll guilty of at USC doing everything everybody else does at that fucking level all right so are you cunts who call Bill Belichick cheaters you're morons all right that's the way the game is played at that level there's millions of dollars there's yachts there's horse the second that shit is at stake recognition legacy forget it all the rules are out the fucking when they're all being bent all right so anyways this is why the Patriots are

gonna are gonna if Tim Tebow is ever gonna excel in the NFL it's gonna be with the New England Patriots and I'll bring you one fucking play I'll leave it give me a little I'll give you a link to it the reason for it was was back when Doug Flutey was playing with us not Doug Flutey who the fuck was it who did the pooch kick wait wait a minute do I have that wrong am I that old what was that that famous fucking play we're all the sudden he fucking came in right that was with us ah Jesus Christ I'm losing my fucking mind here how old am I all right here we go Doug Flutey pooch kick all right now dramatic NFL

music there you go and he gets high that was it was with Jesus how fucking long did he play I saw Doug Flutey when I had season tickets in 1989 well we had the little Paul Revere on the side of the helmet 1980 fucking 9 and he graduated in like 84 he'd already been oh that was before he went to the CFL he'd been with Chicago I believe then he came with us and oh Jesus did I ever tell you that fucking store I can't believe I'm gonna tell this fucking story okay when I came in what year this was it was when Doug Flutey was playing with the Buffalo Bills and I remember you know that was first right around then he had come out

and said that he had an autistic child and he had he had the Flutey flakes that was to raise money for autism this great thing right and so we're in the stands we're sitting in the end zone it's me Bobby Kelly and this buddy of mine one of my old drinking buddies from back in the day this is the guy I told you got he got into the handshake fight with the Elvis impersonator I have to tell you that one we were in Daisy Buchanan's a famous meat market on Newbury Street in Boston right and you know everybody's in there hammered right everybody's listening to music and we're fucking whatever it's the middle of the fucking

night so basically every guy in there is probably 50 to 60 percent on their way to either getting laid or going home and jerking off after a slice of pizza that's right where the night is but everybody still has hope that they're gonna be one of the guys that gets fucking laid all right everything's going good music is playing and all that shit all of a sudden the entire you just feel this energy towards the door like what the fuck's going on you can feel this commotion so we fucking look over and there's this guy dressed up as Elvis but no fucking apparent reason it's like the middle of the summer you know

it wasn't the anniversary of his death I don't you know we weren't in Vegas I just this fucking guy walks in dressed like Elvis so all the whole energy of the fucking bar goes over there and every fucking chick in there wants to go over and get their picture with the guy so this dude basically cock blocks the whole fucking bar even half the guys are laughing because he's doing all the karate moves and shit it was ridiculous it was funny but also it was very passive aggressive because all the pussy went up to him so and half the fucking guys so my buddy I get was pissed I didn't realize he was pissed at him so everybody's

lining up shaking hands with this Elvis impersonator trying to get their picture with them and blah blah blah blah so my buddy comes up to him he comes up to him last and he's fucking he starts shaking his hand and when my buddy right before he was gonna get into a fight I don't know why he would always be like looking up in the air like what's up to what's going on huh really really dude and he'd be like looking like straight up in the air which of course he always end up getting suckered but he was a big guy so he's usually be able to make a comeback so he comes walking up to this Elvis

impersonator and he starts shaking his hand and he's looking up in the end the guy's sitting there going what's up man what's up how you doing man like trying to be Elvis and he goes and he's like what's my buddy's like what's up dude he goes hey he's still shaking his hand he goes he goes why can't you just be yourself right and immediately the Elvis guy is trying to let go of my buddy's hand and he won't let him go so now that's kind of squeezing each other's hand the guy's going come on man come on let go I got rings on man and my buddy just keeps holding his hand he goes you know he goes I like Roger Clements he

goes I like the Red Sox you don't see me coming here dressed like Roger Clements right now they're shaking fucking hands right and they're squeezing now he's looking this this dude right through his stupid gold-framed glasses and the guy's going all right he drops the Elvis shit going all right let go of my hand and I'm fucking sitting there going oh my god I'm gonna watch my buddy fight a fucking Elvis impersonator this is gonna be the greatest thing ever and right then the fucking bouncer steps in like you know when you're watching a hockey game you like finally these two guys are gonna fight and then the fucking ref comes in

and breaks it up the whole crowd booze that's basically what happens all right so that's the background on this guy so we're at this game he's a big guy he's not the most quick-witted guy Doug Flutie has now come back you know he would play for Boston College he played for the you know Bears in the New England Patriots so he's he's one of our guys but now he's playing for the Buffalo Bills the game we're going to this is now I don't know like the fucking like 97 98 or something and I think Pete Carroll was coaching Jesus Bill get to the story all right so every so Flutie's warming up in the end zone so now

everybody's giving Flutie shit even though he's our guy but he's playing for the other guys now so it's like some Johnny Damon shit even though it wasn't his fault but you know Boston sports fans were assholes so everybody's giving Flutie shit they yell okay kill the midget hey Flutie you're too short all these short jokes or whatever so my buddy wants to get one in all right and we are we have end zone seats so we're we are sitting with a bunch of fucking animals so everybody's killed imagine hey Flutie you're too short not today Dougie you know go back to Canada you stink right everybody giving him shit

and then my buddy he wants to be part of it he chimes in he kind of stutters he just goes he goes hey hey hey Flutie I hope your kid dies right dude the whole section just goes oh and just sits down it was one of the most fucking evil things but you got to understand why it was funny to me was just because I knew I knew my buddy and I knew how fucking dummy is and I know that he just wanted to be a part of it he's just one of those guys who doesn't know where the line is you know those guys we just go hey you know you start making fun of their shirt and they go yeah at least my mother doesn't have breast cancer and

you're like Jesus Christ how the fuck do you go from a shirt to breast cancer that's basically what he did and I remember what's this Bobby Kelly was absolutely fucking he was speechless fucking it was one of the few times I've ever seen Bobby is everybody's twisted as I am I'll never forget that he was fucking oh wait a minute what am I talking about I've told this story so many times I wasn't I was sitting up a section over Jesus Christ Jesus Christ I've told this story so many times I forgot no he was sitting there over that I was I was the next section over that's right and then Bobby came up to

me at the end of the game and told me it so wait so who else was fucking over there I can't remember I mean how the fuck I even how did he even get on that fucking story oh Flutie that's right cheating okay let's work our way back Bill work your way back I don't know hang on is it time to do some fucking ever yeah 25 minutes in here we go a little bit of advertising this week everybody just a little bit a little bit of advertising what the fuck is it all right who's up first oh Hulu plus everybody you've tried streaming hit shows on your PC on Hulu.com now it's time to start your free trial of

exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices on Hulu plus with Hulu plus you get control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want whenever you want use Hulu plus on connected TVs game consoles blu-ray players Roku Apple TV PC or watch from anywhere on your smartphone or tablet on demand at all times and with Hulu plus you can binge on full seasons watch your favorite current shows and even full series runs of classic TV shows it's endless they've got community modern family South Park SNL Jimmy Kimmel family guy and more nothing but top shelf all the shows you want to see they

got them in their catalog Hulu plus is only 7.99 per month but right now they're offering an extended free trial of Hulu plus that is only available to podcast listeners take control of your TV watching experience go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on Hulu plus banner for your extended free trial or go to Hulu plus dot com slash bill again the Hulu plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com or go to Hulu plus dot com slash bill and E voice everyone E voice is the reason you're going to make more money in 2013 unless you some gold dig in horror and you plan on divorcing your rich husband okay but

for the rest of us common people E voice is the reason that we're going to make more money in 2013 when your customers call and you have your own toll free number professional greeting dial by name directory and more is that a sentence that's like a fragment oh when your customers call you'll have your own toll free number professional greeting dial by name directory and more sorry that's on me you'll sound like a fortune 500 company and blow away your competitors E voice lets you give out one number that rings wherever you are the beach the bar doesn't matter you'll sound like you're at the office so this

is a great way to start a business while you're still at somebody else's working for somebody else you know what I mean we get it Bill finish the copy okay you got to go to evoist.com and use the promo code bill E voice even takes all your evil all your voicemails transcribes them and sends them direct instantly to you as a text or email so you can check your voicemails before the meeting ends and not even look rude E voice is only ten bucks a month right now listeners to my podcast can get a free trial of E voice for 30 days stop what you're doing hit pause set up your E voice free trial and see what I'm

talking about it's a great way to support my podcast and an easy way to make more money this year go to evoist.com promo code bill that's evoist.com promo code bill or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click the E voice banner at right now okay so have you been what what you've been watching you've been watching Spurs Heat you've been watching Bruins Blackhawks either way couple of amazing series I blew it yesterday I was traveling so I missed the San Antonio game I'm obviously thrilled that San Antonio is up three games to two going back to Miami you know now you know me I love the Celtics

and anybody who plays the Lakers but there's just a douchebag factor to people down in Miami where let's all go to the game and wear white you know and of course it's white you know that white white is the hang on a second we know what white is like the that's the color that people who want to flaunt that they're rich wear have you noticed that like whenever they do like those those real housewife stories they always have some ridiculously expensive car and it's always it's always like like like pearl white I don't know what it is about that they love it out out here in in LA all the growing up Gotti fucking people they

fucking all have those white cars I don't know why so when I look at those people down in Miami it's the same fucking thing you know what are you showing off your tan lines even when you're in the car I don't understand it where I come from you know you got to get a black car you know some ganks to look at then you get some tinted windows on it I don't fucking know although I got to tell you I was a big fan of milk trucks back in the day and those are always white this podcast is just what the fuck am I talking about so I'm rooting for I'm rooting for San Antonio I really you got to go for the underdog

here you know the big fundamental the guy who cheated on that chick from that fucking show right the other guy there the baldy guy Tony Kukoch I don't fuck I don't watch hoop I don't know what's going on well you stick with what you've been watching Bruins Blackhawks everybody right now if you haven't been watching the series is tied one game to one both went into overtime the first one went into triple overtime and two nights ago it was an overtime win for the Bruins it was kind of weird because I felt like the Bruins should have won the first one and the Hawks should have won the second one although I missed most

of the most of the second game because I was performing in Buffalo but it's a classic man and the Blackhawks they like the Bruins man they're a fucking hockey team you know they got their tough guys I'd say they have more superstars with Hossa and Patrick Kane but they got their pest and then they got their grinders man they're a fucking hockey team and I really invite you know I don't know I really like the way they're playing no filthy shit you know I don't get mad at those those guys who you know just doing shit to try to get an edge but nobody's out there trying to hurt anybody none of that fucking crap

it's just been two great games and they play again tonight pivotal fucking game pivotal fucking game so we'll see we'll see how the Bruins come out I heard they came out real sluggish in game two in the first period and came out hitting in the second like I said I only came out after my show I saw halfway the last half of the third period and then into the overtime but I watched every second of that first one and I was trying to stay in shape when I was on the road so I watched the first three periods and then the first two over times I was on the elliptical I basically I stayed on the elliptical until there was an

intermission and then on the intermission I did push-ups and dips and then coming out of the intermission I did the whole fucking did the elliptical again for the next period I was actually thinking like that's how you should be watching sports instead of sitting there eating fucking nachos and drinking beer right but I don't know what are you gonna do I gotta tell you the Blackhawks fucking goalie man is unbelievable and the exact way pie a scored is I think what we have to do the second it hits you stick just put it on net because if that guy gets a chance to square up on you he's just

stopping everything the goal-tending is top-notch original six that's all I'm gonna say I really don't have anything bad to say about any of the Blackhawks I fucking like all of them and I'm hoping it goes seven and I obviously hope that we win but they're a great fucking team so tune in and check it out alright let's get to the let's get to the fucking the goddamn whatever questions for the week Billy Redface tour William I used to live in North Dakota and have been to northern cities on your tour if you are planning to drive between gigs the country is beautiful but the distances are immense wrap your brain

around long drive six to eight hours depending on how fast you drive I now live in Chicago go Blackhawks yeah dude you gotta understand I've been doing the road hardcore since the late 90s so you know I could do six-hour drives in my sleep but I'm also I'm taking a bus so it's not gonna be a problem but I'm also beyond excited to do this tour because I have performed in Boise I never did that comedy club but I did do a college up there it wasn't Boise State it was something else so I drove around a little bit but I've never been to Montana and I'm basically gonna drive across that whole state I have done I've

done like Sioux Falls South Dakota and I've done like Fargo North Dakota but I have never been to the western part of the state so I'm gonna be loving life when I'm out there so I want to see the all those cool-looking ranches I want to see a couple of bison I want to see the fucking billboards with before and after pictures about people on meth you know what I mean that's like a major fucking problem like I bet you nobody I bet the walking dead gets really low ratings out Montana just because if they just all they need to do is look out their fucking window right to see that I'm googling right now Montana meth problem they got

meth project documentary highlights Montana's meth problem NPR NPR was up there yes Montana has a meth problem measuring meth in Montana Montana meth project news about the Montana meth project so they got a project going on let's read this one here yes Montana has a meth problem do you guys really want to hear me read out loud you probably don't I heard that Utah and Colorado have a similar situation but I don't know who is the leader I get tired of arguing the point but the facts don't support your post I'm not gonna present evidence because it's clear it would not matter I guess he's defending Montana I don't

fucking know it's gonna be a great time oh you know I never finished talking about that tour that I just did the I went to Cleveland Ohio all right had a great time one of my favorite people in this business Nick Costas owns Pickwick and Frolick slash the Hilarities comedy club and that's where I played from 2004 right on up he used to headline me when I could only draw half the fucking room and a half of those people would just go in there because Nick had such a great restaurant upstairs in the martini bar and everything and when Nick bought in to that part of the the city you know there was nobody there like I it was

this crowd you got to go in there it's like a five-star restaurant they got a live show with these these dancing girls downstairs in a martini bar and then he has this beautiful showroom with a balcony it's it's absolutely gorgeous place and so he built this thing when they would when Cleveland was just after 5 p.m. became a ghost town and you be in there you felt like you were on the fucking Titanic except it never sank right you just on this luxury liner there was you didn't have to leave you ate you had this great meal you did your show and then when you walked out there was all these beautiful women and this

martini bar was the self-sustaining unit this fucking oasis but the second the night ended the cop would literally escort me out of the place and would walk me over to my hotel so I wouldn't get clubbed over the head by a piece of pipe that was probably laying right in the street and he was the only game in town especially on the block that he was on and he was kind of like a third of the way up the block so he's really hidden and he was having a rough go at trying to get the thing going and over the years I watched like the House of Blues opened up across the street blah blah blah blah fast forward to now nine years later

you know I'm in town I'm doing this theater right down the street and I'm like I got to go see Nick so I go over there to go get some dinner before the show and I'm coming up the street and it's just a mob scene it's just like outdoor everybody's outdoor cafes is this guy playing acoustic guitar like hired by this restaurant House of Blues is this line up the street he's just the greatest fucking guy so I went over there I had dinner and then I went I did my show I had a great time you know went out took pictures signed DVDs and all that shit and then we had the after-party over at his martini bar because I

wanted to drive some business his way and I want to thank everybody seriously man it's no bullshit everybody came over there if you spent one dollar over there that's one of my great friends in business and in life so I really appreciate it and if you ever seriously in the Cleveland area you want to see a great show just have a great meal go down to the that pickwick and frolic romantic eyes the best Nick costus say hello tell him I said what's up so anyways back to the back to the reeds here what the fuck are they and the worst all right no subject on this one bill your problem with Christianity is

that you are in the wrong church just switch over to the Episcopal or Lutheran or something and get baptized and all of a sudden you will receive the Holy Spirit which will bring you to a higher spiritual level with a literal connection to God all right you know something I'm sure every religion has its has something to offer you know what is about Episcopal or Lutheran is I'm lazy I already know you can't teach an old dog new tricks okay I know the prayers and I know the songs from my fucking this would be like me moving to LA and not being a Celtics fan anymore and switching over to the Clippers you know

not saying you well the Clippers are actually decent now so I can't I'm not really insulting you but yeah tell me some more about the Episcopal and Lutheran thing because I actually always enjoyed going to church as far as I felt like it was a reset thing every week to remind yourself not to be a complete hunk of shit or at least try not to be for as long as you could until the next mass but I just never liked all the other crap that was involved in it but as far as me receiving the Holy Spirit which will bring me to a higher spiritual level and a literal connection to God like I can really do that on my own you know if I

wanted to if I really if I wasn't such a piece of shit if I really just I you don't really need to go down there and do all the olas Salima that's all just you know rituals and I bless the water and I throw it in your face and now the evil spirits are out of you but it's complete horseshit you could splash me with as much holy water as you want to if I don't give a fuck and I want to go out and just do stuff the water is not gonna like fix me you know oh Bill stop being a cunt swing by you know what I'm gonna go to one I'll go to Lutheran Episcopals too hard to say I don't know man I get weirded out when I go in those

fucking places and every hey how are we glad you showed up and everybody grab hands it just makes me feel all douchey alright freedom Bill please don't talk about freedom when you are over there over where well why don't you fucking oh okay here we go this guy's gonna trash America right Bill please don't talk about freedom when you people over there don't have the freedom to decide whether you want half your dick cut off or not the way women in Africa don't have the freedom to decide whether they want half their vagina cut off or not they don't cut off their vagina you ignorant dumb twat all you American

cunts Americans do is talk about for freedom because you have none you know what sir you sound as ignorant as what you're making fun of so congratulations welcome to the quad sir when did I talk about freedom I don't even remember talking about that sir you know half the shit I talk about I'm just trying to fill up an hour here alright Americans was that your best one did you have a list can you come up with something a little bit better you know Americans you're trashing all the Americas you're basically trashing this whole half of the half of the the world you do realize that these are the Americas North

America and South America all right and you're calling me a dumb twat they don't they don't fucking cut off half their vagina they remove the clitoris there you know how exactly do they do that I don't even want to know it's fucking disgusting what is he talking about aren't the guy every week I'm talking about bankers how they got everybody by the balls sir do you listen to this thing all right we're just gonna move on you know what you are you're basically that was the email version of that guy who kept saying t-bow to me all right my car is shit hey William I'm a high school student in Arkansas

all right Razorbacks SEC and my car is pure shit the pain is blotchy dude this isn't pimp my ride what do you think I'm gonna do fucking go over there have somebody come and put a flat-screen TV in your trunk the paint is blotchy and fading the interior is shit the air conditioner doesn't work and there's a ton of stickers on the back from the previous owner it's actually embarrassing anytime a person especially girls see it so how do I get over my shitty car also your podcast has not only helped me relieve the stress from school but it gets me through class if I'm having a slow day all right what you got to do is

you have to embrace your shitty car you know takes a certain swagger to drive a shitty car you gotta have a sense of humor about it you know if somebody trashes your car just yeah just you know you can do one or two things either agree with them or just be like how dare you how dare you trash that that right there is a classic that's an original condition all right or whatever the fight on what the fuck to do you can take the bumper stickers off you know you could throw some rims on it you know what fuck that don't don't put rims on a piece of shit car this is the biggest thing that I would say all right if you're trying to

get a lady all right you're in college everybody understands you're gonna be broke what I would do you got to make sure the inside of the car is clean spend some money get that fuckers steam clean and get some fucking air freshener so it's it smells all right all right you could probably take off the bumper sticker you can get a $99 fucking paint job every fucking state you go to there's some cunt on TV talking about a $99 paint job you know pick a dark color you know that usually will I don't know maybe paint over the other shit well I don't know much about paint I have no idea maybe you'll be all right what kind

of car is it sir if you can help me out with what kind of car you have maybe I could help you out I don't know listen I drove an 83 Ford Ranger two-wheel drive five-speed AM FM fucking radio it just was a mess and I finally put a nice stereo in there and somebody smashed the window ripped up the fucking plastic like dashboard and yanked the radio out and I didn't have room for another one I had this gaping fucking hole with wires hanging out and and I wasn't getting any pussy there you go sir you know what I've come around to your side I see what the problem is you know what I would go to campus parties and try to go back to

her dorm room just avoid the whole car thing the whole car situation or you know something if you meet a girl that you really like just admit to it and just say listen I gotta I gotta tell you something before we go to my car my car is it's a mess and it's really embarrassing I'm really self-conscious about it but blah just own up to it girls love that because then that kicks into the motherly thing they go that's okay I don't think it's that bad and next thing you know they're blowing you so they just make sure it smells okay that's the biggest thing about women when you're younger and you don't have any fucking

money if you just make a fucking effort you know have you if you're going out just make sure in case you get lucky clean up your fucking room don't have dirty laundry laying all over the place make the fucking bed get a couple of scented candles all that hacky shit you know and for the love of God when you get in there do not have overhead lighting there's nothing women hate more than fucking overhead lighting as middle-aged guys like me is your balding you really start to hate overhead but women they fucking hate overhead lighting all right so if you have overhead lighting go out and buy

invest in a fucking just a just a fucking bedside reading lamp or whatever and then buy some cool fucking I know this is hacky but just cool some cool fabric if you can throw it over the top gives it more of a fucking soft light little mood makes you know what titties are out you got some skills you know you fucking rounded second the rest is on you okay there you go all right the royal family everybody this one says bill I'm curious about your feelings on the royal wait I gotta back up I remember the first time I brought a girl back when I was in New York and I didn't I didn't have shit I had my fucking couch from my

dad's dental office in the early 70s floral pattern made out of wood that like I swear to God you could fucking kill a village you could club people to death with this couches like it took like three people to bring it in and all I had was the oh I had overhead lighting I had a light bulb with nothing even covering that and I had this old fixture that you turn it on it would make this like you slap somebody in the face when you turned it when you turned it on and we were just sitting there in like I can't it was like we were sitting next to the Sun and that was when I first learned about overhead lighting and you know I

made my move and everything I was like two minutes in she she was just like alright wait wait can we just like just wait a second and she goes I need to fix something and she went in and I had my bedroom door was open what she did was she turned on the light in there that was also overhead lighting but it was another room away and then she went and she turned off the light in the living room and guess what I did the next day I went out and I bought a fucking lamp there you go that's my lamp story everybody okay the royal family Bill I'm curious about your feelings on the royal family and the Brits occupation of

Northern Ireland looking forward to seeing you in September at the Chicago Theatre go Hawks Bruins remind me of a bunch of Prince Charles's on skates now they don't you know I really hate when fucking people like those are two great fucking games and then your team wins and then you text me Bruins suck or suck it you know those fucking morons that's why you know I've kind of stopped tweeting about sports on my Twitter page because it literally it was turning into the exact reason why I don't go to a sports bar because of all just a few all day you know that type of shit and it's always the most unathletic fucking

moron can't even talk about the game just complete shithead so I don't know I've kind of toned down the twitting the twitting there my feelings on the royal family the Brits occupation of Northeast Ireland obviously I don't think they should be there it's not their fucking place you know I actually learned all that shit about the whiskey now I've been drinking Jameson this whole fucking time which I guess is from Northern Ireland so I guess that's the sellout whiskey if you're in Ireland and you're supposed to be drinking powers but I can't find powers anywhere and Jameson is marketed really well that's like the

Pepsi whiskey I guess I don't fucking know should they be there I don't I don't think so I don't understand why they haven't left yet they've left pretty much everywhere else they got beaten back pretty much everywhere else India Hong Kong Rwanda the United States of America they've been beaten back Falkland Islands they held on to that one you know what they like they like the royal families like Tiger Woods after his divorce you know lost a ton of shit but still has money you know other than that I don't mind him I don't mind that that Prince guy whatever his fucking name is the blonde guy Harry Harry looks

like a cunt though he does he's got that he's got bully face I don't know if it's because all those freckles or whatever but he just looks like the kind of kid that would just fucking punch you in the side of the head for no reason is all the brother looks a little soft though you know probably artistic I don't know shit about him to be honest with you you guys seem to like him so God bless you continue continue to pay attention to aren't they like your Kennedys and they there's so much inner fucking breeding going on that they all kind of have the same face just like the Kennedys Kennedy's always you see the fucking teeth on

that family okay lost it to a famous guy build my name is Jessica holy shit a lady finally writes in I'm 20 and I live in Miami great I've already trashed Miami here okay so about a year ago I was vacationing in DR is that Dominican Republic I don't know and I met a famous person and ended up sleeping with him Dominican Republic I'm gonna guess it was a baseball player did you fuck Sammy Sosa he goes he's not very famous in the US oh okay only in Latin America all right Ricky Martin's gay oh is that one of those is that the guy that J Lo was married to I don't fucking

know all right let's let's plot we had here point of the story is that ever since that night we've kept in touch and I've already seen him three times since then is really interesting she goes I've seen him every time he comes to Miami isn't this great being like a hot chick you can like bang famous fucking people you know and just not be just be like working at Kinko's but you're hot and you can like bang somebody that you saw in a movie you know as a guy you just we just don't have that option you know good-looking guy you're working at Kentucky Fried Chicken do you think you're gonna bang Olivia Wilde I don't

think so the last time I saw him was this past April we usually go out to clubs while he's here and I've even met some of his famous friends I'm just a regular girl so you can imagine how infatuated I am with this guy I am infatuated with this story she goes he's the only person I've ever slept with so you could imagine the amount of emotion I've invested in this please tell me you made a music condom with his around the world dick sorry not trying to ruin the romance here just run a little bit of reality I've always get I always get sad because I know that things are probably not going to work

out in my favor besides the fact that he is famous he also lives in a different country than me he's 10 years older than me and as a child well that's game set match right this sweetheart I think you got to protect your heart nah either put him in a place mentally where you're not going to develop feelings and when he comes to town you get to have a fun time but other than that when he leaves I would try and find somebody you know that at least lives in this hemisphere I don't know but hey it's your life all right he goes I have hope that a relationship she goes I hope that a relationship could happen

because I've been lucky enough to have so much to have so much has happened already in addition he has plans to move to Miami soon we talk once a month or every couple of weeks through text well listen he might just be stringing you along so I would be like look I'm starting to develop feelings for you and you know I kind of got to cut it off here to protect myself but if you moved Miami then we can pick up where we left off sound good Hola all right that's all us hello right whatever I she shows we talk once a month or every couple of weeks through text only thing is I'm usually the one

that takes the initiative to text him or see him while he's here which really bugs me yeah you know what I can't I don't even need to read the rest of this I'll blow through the rest at the same time he always shows interest in me when we spend time together remembers everything yeah you might just be his woman in that in that town I hate to tell you she goes should I hope for a relationship with this guy given everything that's happened already no you shouldn't should I stop talking to him since I am the one that takes initiative most of the time or should I be content with the situation yeah he's

stringing you along he's stringing you along I don't think he's a bad guy but you're his you're his woman in Miami so sounds like you want more than that so as much as his glamorous life is interesting to you in the end it sounds like you're gonna get hurt if I had to guess if I had to guess it sounds like you're gonna get hurt so I would I would just end it you know just stop texting the guy you know that's what I would do just stop texting I'm just big hey you know when you when your shiny watch come back to Miami if I'm not in a relationship you want to hang out down at the ground round let's let's fucking do it but

other than that you know why don't you fucking enjoy the world and the pussy that it has to offer right I'm sorry I might I'm being a little crass here but that's basically that's basically the situation all right if I ever had a long I've tried the long-distance relationship thing it didn't end up working out you know I don't so anyways that's the podcast for this week everybody how far into the semi huh 55 minutes 55 minutes all right well before I go I want to thank everybody who came out to all my shows in out there in Buffalo oh dude I didn't even talk about Buffalo I played this the Symphony Hall beautiful

beautiful Symphony Hall unbelievable crowd and all of that and had a lot of people from Toronto came over asking me when I'm gonna be in Canada and the answer to that is I hate that it's gonna be next March I know I know what the fuck it was supposed to be this summer but I don't know we just felt like the summertime it's always snowing up there you can finally go outside why are you gonna sit inside and watch some red cotton like me on stage when you can go out go water skiing or whatever the fuck it is you do up there so and also just figured I'd have a better chance on getting on some radio stations if it was

hockey season be another angle to sell a maze comedian first time tour in Canada he's a big hockey fan Bruins fan you can come in and hang with you when you talk sports sort of a marketing thing I was pushing for January and then we got worried about flights with the snow and all the shit up there and I know you like what the fuck but no you can't run a string of dates together flying into the middle of a shitstorm because you'll end up missing a date and I don't want to deal with that so we've decided on March I'm gonna hit all the hockey cities and possibly a couple of more depending on how ticket sales go

and I'm gonna start doing these like more of these mini tours like the red face tour by the way tickets are selling they're selling like hot cakes so what do I got here coming up yeah the 28th through August 3rd no it's not 28 27 26 July 26 through August 3rd for those of you haven't been listening this past week I'm gonna be hitting doing shows in the states of Idaho Montana South Dakota Kansas Colorado Western Texas and I got a private show in New Mexico so I got that whole tour set up I'm working on a European tour and so far I know we got London we got something in Scotland and Amsterdam and I imagine I'm gonna do

all the Scandinavian countries and then probably all the way over into Helsinki do I'll do Ireland I'm hoping to do Ireland Scotland England Amsterdam and then hit Copenhagen Oslo Stockholm and Helsinki that's what I would love to do and then I don't know I'm either gonna go after I do all that and I make some money or whatever I'm gonna fucking either go down to Italy and eat like a fucking pig or I'm gonna go to Paris go over to France I want to go to like France is something like cuz I I took French I tried French for a long time when I was in high school and I was always into the Tour de France I'd always

watch the tennis Roland Garros I don't know I was a big World War II buff there for a minute and then you know all the D-Day stuff there's so much there's so much that I want to see in France alone you know I want to see the beaches of Normandy I want to go to the Memorial Cemetery I want to go to the French open I want to go to the Tour de France I want to go to Paris you know I want to ride a bike in Paris why not right and twinkle toes put on a fucking beret big loaf of French bread coming out of my backpack you know wearing those pants that don't fit down on my fucking ankles and a striped shirt on grow a

little stupid mustache why not right then I want to go over to fucking Italy these are all dreams of mine I want to go to Italy and I want to somehow learn enough Italian and start people over there arguing about who makes the better whatever the dishes and then let me be the judge and then I sit there and eat like a fucking king I want to do that I want to go to Belgium and drink some booze I ran into somebody on the road told me they got trapped over in Belgium one time because it was snowing and I and they just sat there drinking beer all night and stepping outside every once in a while just looking at this beautiful

snow in this city and I literally could see it I was just like I want to fucking do that so I don't know trying to expand the horizons here people and next year so next year I got the Canadian tour and then also I'm gonna try and do a tour of I'm gonna try to tour all of Australia which would be Perth all the way to home of Bond Scott and I gotta go see his grave site you know pay my respects and go all the way through I don't know all the way back work my way all the way back to Sydney and maybe have time to check out the Great Barrier reef see that's what I want to do that's the game plan for me all right and if the Bruins can

win the Stanley Cup over the next fucking six seven days it would just be a perfect goddamn year all right so anyways that is the podcast this week everybody once again thank you to everyone who came out and and Buffalo I keep forgetting to tell that story we're drinking afterwards the hotel bar slow is about ready to shut down and I got like a 640 a.m. flight so I'm like well what's the point of going to bed so I go across to this bar we start drinking over there and now their kitchen was closed so they bring out some bar food you know and they usually bring out some peanuts or pretzels they came

out and it was all bacon I gotta fucking tell you you can't beat the fucking even though that's not the Midwest it's the beginning of it and I forgot to mention Cleveland don't sleep on Cleveland I would say if you're looking to invest some money in buying an old building if you knew and some friends you want to make some fucking money every time I come back to Cleveland it's doing a little bit better and I saw a lot of building going on there and it was great to see because whenever I went to Cleveland it always made me sad like I was because you you know I was looking at these beautiful buildings there was

just nobody in them the same thing when you go to Detroit it's just like you like fuck man look at these beautiful houses of these beautiful buildings and it's just like nobody there are just you know some zombie-looking person in front of it it's it's depressing so in st. Louis was another one st. Louis was another one that was a scary place to be and ten years ago you know they still have this shit you know some people who are late to the show or couldn't come to the show because there was a shooting or something like that so whatever everybody's got this shit but it was nice to see those cities are starting to

make a comeback you know after all the manufacturing jobs and everything left and shit so I actually learned some shit about Buffalo first city in the United States that had electricity throughout the whole thing was used to be known as the city of lights how funny is that Buffalo you don't think of that shit but I guess the Erie Canal or some shit damn I don't know what the fuck was created a bunch of jobs and then they built another dam or a canal somewhere else up the fucking river and everybody left and that was the end of it you know everybody left all the pussies left you know but all the tough people stayed and

that's why they have an outdoor stadium if those pussies stayed the Buffalo builds would play in a dome stadium that's actually true all right so there you go that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves my next date I have coming up is the Cape Cod Melody tent in Hyannis, Massachusetts tickets are on sale I hope people come out to that one that's a huge one because for me because I only saw George Carlin once in my life unfortunately I only saw him perform one time and I saw him at the Cape Cod Melody tent in like 1988 I've told that story he absolutely blew me away Dennis Blair opening him up blew me away it

was just it was fucking awesome and to actually be going back there 25 years later to be literally doing what I saw him doing is fucking amazing so thanks to everyone who's coming out for that show all right enough with the feel-good vibes go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week go Bruins okay now the show's over don't forget us to support our sponsors go to go to set up the free trial of Evoy's join thousands of entrepreneurs who use their Evoy's personal receptionist 24-7 right now get Evoy's for 30 days go to Evoy's comm promo code bill that's Evoy's comm promo code bill

and Hulu plus as I mentioned start watching TV your favorite shows right now go to the podcast page at build bird comm click on the Hulu plus banner for your extended free trial or Hulu plus comm slash bill you the leise pre-senteerd coke may met your my delize app is it from now on board for receptivity liquor makkelik en goedkoop zijn voor wie in snari tsandersnacht of hout van klassikers oh ja so was a spaghetti bolognaise me liquor veer hacked download the my delize app and coke may yeah top delize me met the

cleven