Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-17-19

Episode Date: June 17, 2019

Bill rambles about men dying young, being aggressive, and fun funerals.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 17th, 2019. What's going on? How are you? How are you, everybody? Happy belated Father's Day to you. Happy belated Father's Day to you. Happy belated Father's Day to all the dads who probably didn't get you.

That shit. Happy belated Father's Day to everybody. I'm actually recording this on Father's Day, so I have no idea what my Father's Day is going to be. I think it's going to be a good one. I'm doing the podcast early here because my lovely family's taking me and my father on law out for a nice fucking steak dinner over there. Killing the cows that I said I was going to try to stop eating.

I was going to eat a little bit less, you know, and then what are you doing? I'm going to eat fish. The fish are all going away. And then I read in that Howard Stern interview in Rolling Stone that his white cell count, I forget if it goes up or down, I forget what it was, and they thought he had cancer and they were going to give him chemotherapy and it turned out he was eating too much fucking fish and he had all kinds of, they had all this fucking mercury in them. They almost gave him chemo.

So what can you eat? The fuck can you eat anymore? I don't know. I just try to eat. I try to switch it up. I try to hope one carcinogen knocks out the other carcinogen that's in my food and then I just do the elliptical. That has been my game plan.

I went down to the cellar last night, Saturday night, say, I did one spot at the original then I did the fat black pussycat upstairs and then I downstairs I did the village underground and I came walking in right and I'd already eaten healthy and I came walking in and the cellar has really healthy food, the olive tree upstairs so I'm like, okay, worst case scenario, I'll get like a chicken kebab, a little tahini, what do you call that, that super chopped up fucking salad, not tahini, that's the sauce, not tiki marsala, I don't want the fuck you call it. I forget what it is.

I was going to get one of those salads and then I walked in and they had ordered out for Joe's pizza and they had four delicious large cheese or pepperoni fucking pizzas and they're like, have a slice, have a slice, I'm like, I can't, I have an acting gig, it sucked. That's what kills me is I'm going to have to try to cram all my pizza eating. You know, I went off the rails when the Bruins lost the Stanley Cup game seven, but even then I only had one slice, but they had all this great stuff and I laid off, I laid off, I stayed with the waters and I proceeded to have three of the most fun fucking shows I've had in a long time and I'll tell you, it's all the great things I get to do in this business.

I swear to God, nothing, nothing, nothing is more fun than doing stand up comedy and trying a new bit and having it work. There is nothing in this fucking business of shoe, as they say, that is more fucking satisfying and exciting than that and I finally got the abortion thing to work. I stopped opening with it, so I just got it, I moved it down a little bit so they just saw it was sort of silly and then I went into it and I just had three fucking great shows the night before. I was at the West Side Comedy Club, had a great set there and because I'm going to be

in Pittsburgh here in a few weeks and I got to come with all the new shit, even though my special hasn't come out yet, I feel like I did Pittsburgh on this run and I don't want to, I don't know, just in case somebody is a repeat customer, you know what I mean? I don't want to come back with the same shit is what the fuck I'm saying. And being out here in New York is really making me want to come out here every summer for a couple of weeks and just do a bunch of spots, take my wife to a bunch of cool stuff. So at some point I got to walk my kiddo, whenever I go to New York I always have to do the walk across the Brooklyn Bridge so I still have to do that and there's a couple other things

but I'm laying off the smokes now, I got four days laying off that. I'm going to try to go back to how I used to be, which is I smoked one every two weeks and I was beyond looking forward to it, it's just with Father's Day and my birthday people bought me a couple boxes of cigars and I'm kind of like, well what am I supposed to do here? I don't want these to go bad, right? I mean I got to smoke them, probably hand a few off to my friends is what the fuck I should be doing but I don't know, there's always something you got to be working on

in your life. I mean my life is like fucking perfect right now. I got a great acting gig, I'm in New York, I can do my stand up, my family's here, I'm playing drums, the weather has been nice, it hasn't gotten ridiculously hot yet, it's just been absolutely fucking perfect and today I'm going to do my podcast early and I'm going to hang around and I'll watch the rest of the US open. I watched a little bit yesterday, watching Rory and all these guys and fucking Tiger and Phil Mickelson and all the younger kids who I don't even know who the hell they are.

I just got in, I was just like, you know what, it's so hard when the NHL and the NBA stopped those fast paced things that all of a sudden just like, you know, pull the emergency brake and try to get into baseball, you know, but so I go, I'm going to go even further into a slow down sport and I'm going to fuck it, I'm going to watch golf because then baseball will seem fast paced. So that's what I did yesterday. I laid on the couch, I watched it, I took an old man nap, I think I fell asleep when that guy was trying to, he was in the rough and there was a little fucking flower and

there was a bee on it and he didn't want to swing the club and kill the bee, you know, much back in the day, they would have just blasted right through it and you wouldn't have known because there was no HDTV, I don't think Peter had the fucking strength that they have now, but you know, the bees are going away. So I think that guy, you know, he was thinking environmentally, you know, Granity swung the club and killed the fucking flower. What's going to happen the day vegetarians realize that plants feel pain? Then what are they going to eat?

If all of a sudden we come up with something that we can actually read their thoughts, like if that flower was just sitting there yelling at the bee, don't leave me, don't you leave me. Like that guy, God damn it, Jack, don't you do this in 48 hours telling the bee not to leave, don't hand him the gun over. Which by the way, in all of cinema had to have been the worst cop moment ever when he gives his fucking gun away, I don't know anything about police being a policeman, but there's no fucking way you turn your gun over when he has a gun on a hostage and there's another

cop there without a fucking gun. But anyway, so the fucking flower is probably sitting there yelling at the bee, don't leave me, don't you do it, and he takes off and he's just sitting there wanting to run in a can. This guy just swings the club back, all the other flowers trying to look the other way, like, ah, you hate to see it, you hate to fucking see it. But you know something, a lot of nature is getting eaten alive, there's a lot of fucking horrible ways to go, you just get eaten, you know.

I remember thinking getting eaten by a lion would be terrible, and now when I watch it, it's not that bad. You know, I've seen a few people get eaten by tigers and shit, they just put, once they grab you around the neck, which is immediately, you just pass out, you know, just like in the UFC, except it's like the fucking tiger level strength, it's fucking over, although there was one guy who was sort of kicking at another tiger, this pathetic, he tried to sneak into the fucking zoo. How much is a zoo, you know, 30, 40 bucks?

And where he scaled and jumped over the wall was the fucking tiger layer, enclave, what the fuck do they call those, condo fucking areas, right? And he fucking landed, hit the fucking, didn't look first, did not look before he leaps because he was doing something illegal and he landed and he was in the fucking, he was in the fucking, he was in the fucking tiger enclosure. And they don't have any guns over there. I'm sure they brought that up at one of those fucking Second Amendment. Is that what it is?

Is that the Second Amendment? The right to bare arms? Just tell you right now, if that was America, they would have shot that fucking tiger right in the face. Because that's what everybody with a gun sounds like. I'm kidding, of course. They could have used a gun. That would have been a great time to have a gun, although the world is overpopulated

and that guy was a fucking moron and he was doing something bad. So that's a very hard thing. That'd be a hard thing for gun owners, you know, because they'd be like, that's some bitch got what he deserved. All right, family values, you go to the zoo, you pay to get in, you don't sneak over. And if you're gonna sneak over, always make sure you have a weapon on you. I learned that from Ted Nugent, all right? Then on top of that, the guy it happened to wasn't white, so I don't have any feelings

for him whatsoever. There, did I get enough stereotypes in there about gun owners? I always like people trying to make them out like they're all a bunch of fucking morons. You know, it's like, well, then wouldn't they be like fucking accidentally shooting themselves all the fucking time? And don't even say they do, okay? They don't. That's just like the helicopters that I fly, where everybody says they're fucking dangerous

because a bunch of people die and most people don't. Most people don't. All right? And the people that do, do dumb shit. You know, that's it. That's how fucking works. If you do dumb shit, you're gonna have a fucking problem. All right, you know what I'm doing is I'm just, I'm filibustering.

I'm waiting for my fucking, me to get some of the materials here that I need in order to complete my podcast. There's usually some sort of advertising, and of course you guys write into the podcast. I might have to hit pause here. How much time have I done? How much time have I done? Oh my God, only 10 minutes in. Gee, Willikers.

Gee, Willikers. I feel like I fucking talked about everything already. I mean, God's sakes, I have 50 more fucking minutes to go here. Oh, I took my wife and kid to go see a movie yesterday. I went to go see the, what is that dog movie? Patton Oswald's in it. Kevin Hot is in it. Tiffany Haddish, all these great comedians are in it.

Dog movie, 2019. What is it called? Oh, for God's sakes. The advertisement's only right outside my window. Wait, I should have wrote Kevin Hart in there. Kevin Hart, dog movie. Secret Lives of Pet, part two. Yeah, we went and saw that.

My daughter was so excited, right? I was telling her that I was gonna go, I go, I'm taking you to a movie tomorrow. And she goes, popcorn and a movie. It's her favorite thing in the world. She just sits there with this giant bag of popcorn. You gotta watch a toddler though, cause they're like a puppy.

They'll eat until literally their fucking belly explodes. So I had to keep taking the bag away from her. So she had like not too much popcorn and then I gave her a couple of M&Ms and that was it. And she sat there and she enjoyed the whole movie. So thanks to all the people that worked on that, being a little bit in the animated world, I can't imagine how much fucking work that is

and how long it took you guys to do that. So thank you for the great hour and a half, two hours of fucking entertainment. And other than that, all I did, I just walked around. I didn't smoke any seagars. I was a good boy last night and I was rewarded with good fucking spots, thank Christ. So let's go to the Google news.

This is what I do while I wait for my, while I wait for my new shit to come in here. Let's go to Google news as opposed to the malware news that I was getting. All right, Donald Trump is up to his usual shit. This is the funny thing ever. Trump warns of a market crash, quote, market crash, the likes of which has not been seen before

if he loses the 2020 election. But economists are worried he's causing a recession of his own. He's causing it? Don't the fucking assholes who really run it cause it? United States President Donald Trump on Saturday warned without evidence of a massive market crash, if warned without evidence of a massive market crash

if he's not reelected in 2020. Dude, have you ever seen a guy who loves to scream fire in a crowded movie theater like this guy? The Trump economy is setting records and has a long way up to go, he said. However, if anyone but me takes over in 2020, I know the competition very well. There will be a market crash,

the likes of which has not been seen before. Keep America great. Do you realize how fucking selfish and irresponsible that is to tweet something like that? Yeah, I think there's a market crash coming anyways. I could say that without fucking knowing anything about it. All I know is they just keep building these luxury, high-rise fucking apartment buildings everywhere I go.

Every fucking city I go to, there's just cranes and cranes and cranes building more shit. I don't know where all of these people are gonna go. Now, there's this conspiracy theory that the people that who really run the country are trying to drive everyone into the city. Now, if they were building even remotely affordable housing,

I would believe that. But what these fucking luxury, high-rise fucking things are doing is they're actually forcing people out of the city. I've told you before about the, I always love bringing this up, like some of these buildings that they're building in New York City, they are so high, they actually have to pay a shadow tax

because they block the sun from certain parts of the park and the trees and the bushes and grass are all fucking dying. And then what kills me is they are actually up into the airspace, commercial airspace, Bravo airspace, which for LaGuardia, I don't know if it's Newark or what, I think it's LaGuardia's airspace. And it would just blow my mind

that if you bought the penthouse and on a cloudy day when you can barely sit outside your window, you were in the same airspace as jumbo jets fucking flying by. I mean, I just don't know how the fuck do you relax at that point? That's when you go downstairs to the lobby

and ask what the wifi is down there and you just wait for that marine layer to fucking burn off. All right, what am I talking about? I'm talking about buildings in Bravo airspace at this point, all right, there's 15 minutes. I'm gonna fucking just hit pause here and I'm gonna wait till I get all the materials I need

and I will finish on with the podcast, all right. All right, I'm back, I got your questions. I haven't gotten the read yet. This is what happens when I fucking try to do it so early but I was just sort of going around here to the internet and this thing here, we're talking about of Vladimir Putin, Putin, as Steven Seagal says, arrested critic Alexei Navalny,

hundreds more for taking part in an anti-corruption protest. Russian authorities arrested Alexei, President Vladimir's fiercest critic along with hundreds of other protesters who took to the streets following the arrest of a journalist. The mass arrests on Wednesday came after thousands of people participated in an unauthorized rally in support of freedom

of the press and investigative journalism. Journalist Ivan Gulanov, who was arrested on drug charges but later released after the government that there was no evidence he committed a crime. It's unbelievable, you know, how familiar does that look? I mean, that's starting to be what it's like over here. I know it's a little more extreme but like you can't fucking protest.

They let you, you gotta get a permit to protest and then when you do, they have you fucking, you're down like 20 blocks down and away from any sort of press coverage. All our press is fucking, seems to be owned by fucking 10 different people. I don't know. I never understood the whole fucking end game

of these cunts who just want to run the world. It's like, and then what, what are you gonna do? What the fuck, why can't you just fucking just, is it that hard to not be an asshole? This is coming from an asshole. I just don't fucking understand why you can't listen to your people. I, you know, I do get it on some level

where most people are mouth-breathing morons and it's, you gotta kind of have a firm hand. I mean, who's kidding, we're a bunch of children, all right? I can barely read, I get sleepy when I try to read in-depth shit. So, I mean, I shouldn't be running anything. I'm glad that there are people out there doing it, but I guess my question is,

is that the only way to fucking do it? Is the only way to run a country is to have secrets and tell everybody to shut the fuck up and destroy anyone that questions your authority? Because regardless of the form of government, capitalism, communism, whatever, I don't even know enough of them, socialism. That seems to be what they all do.

They all do the exact same fucking thing, you know? The illusion of choice, the illusion of freedom, you know? But I mean, you are free, sort of. I don't know, I don't know how it works. I mean, it's just gotta be a shit day. You just sit there going like, this guy's saying I'm a corrupt piece of shit, I gotta go out and go fucking arrest this guy

and then you know people are gonna be slapping him around and stuff and then what you're supposed to sit there and eating a fucking pheasant or whatever the fuck rich people eat, you know? They always eat some weird bird. Can't have chicken, that's like too common. They always have to have like a fucking goose or something. You're just gonna sit there and do that

while these guys are fucking torturing somebody because they have the audacity to say that maybe you were a little outside the lines a few times. You know, I think that you could actually, if people thought you were corrupt, you could actually stay in power if you just admitted to it. To have been like, you know what? Yeah, I got a little out of line a couple of times,

but you know, if you look historically, this is how it's done. What say we change that? So what are your top complaints about me? I will work on it and I'll free all these journalists and from here on out, I will welcome their criticisms and I will try to be a better leader. Now at that point, even the fucking people you jailed,

well, they probably don't trust you at that point. I would think would be willing to give you a second chance. I just don't understand why every single fucking time you gotta go as Patrice O'Neill used to say, you gotta take out the fucking goon hand, put it on the back of people's necks and just start fucking kicking the shit out of everybody. It's gotta be, is there a country out there?

I don't know, I didn't get that vibe when I was in Iceland. You know, there are countries out there where I don't feel like they necessarily have to do that, but who knows, who knows, it's depressing. It's why I don't fucking pay attention to it. It's above me, I don't understand why. I'll say it until the day, I just do not understand how war is still legal.

I understand if somebody literally comes in and fucking attacks you, you gotta fight fire with fire, but just as far as just like, hey, we wanna do this, well, we're gonna do that, all right. Now we're gonna try to kill more of your people than you can kill of ours and whoever kills more people is right. That's the best we can do.

I have a wireless headphone set, but we can't stop going to war. All right, let me read some of the reads here for this week. And these aren't the advertising. This is, I'm gonna go straight to the fucking emails here. My 19-year-old daughter introduced me to you. About three months ago, my 19-year-old daughter introduced me to you and I am a big fan.

What I love about you is that my daughter and I can enjoy your comedy together and I get to enjoy the references that bring back my childhood. I'm 52, well, I'm 51, there you go. Look at this, everybody thinks I don't have any sort of a female demographic. Look at this, I got a 19-year-old kid

introducing me to her mom, perfect. And you explain the references to my daughter. This week, Phil Necro and Ken Stabler. If you're going to read a book, go back and read Jack Tatum's They Call Me Assassin. I've already read that. It will remind you just how brutal football was. Oh yeah, the NFL was, yeah.

I read that one, I read, they call, what was the other one? Hollywood Henderson's book. I read a lot of them. That's the type of shit I read. I read the autobiographies of everyone who wrote one in Guns N' Roses. That's the kind of reading I do.

And then every once in a while, I'll actually do something that's actually, I'll read a difficult book that isn't a book about some famous person's life. But that Ken Stabler one is definitely on my radar. In fact, I enjoyed reading in between setups on the movie so much. You know what, I might go to fuckingamazon.com right now.

See if I can fucking find that book. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, let's see. Ken Stabler book. Ken Stabler, and I gotta order it now before you conspire every copy. Ken Stabler, autobiography, all right, there we go. Come on.

What do you got there? Oh, it's just called Snake. Are you kidding me? That's all it's called, Snake. Badasses by John, the legend of the snake. John Madden does the forward or something. Look at the, oh, he's fucking booked. Right here, Snake by Ken Stabler.

Four dollars and 19 cents. Why is Amazon 1721? Because it, is that the drone charge? What the fuck? Come on. Snake, the legendary life of Ken Stabler. The first in-depth biography, one of the most talented and infamous legends to play

in the National Football League. The life and times of pro football's first bad boy, famed, he's not the first bad boy, famed Oakland Raiders quarterback, Ken Stabler. Ken the snake, I wasn't that lovely. I'm gonna fucking, here's another Raiders one. Cheating is encouraged.

A hard-nosed history of the 1970s Raiders. I mean, who the fuck doesn't want to read? Look at these books. Oh my God, I found my part of the library. Countdown to Super Bowl. How the 68, 69 New York Jets delivered on Joe Namath's promise. This is all you do is you just start

clicking on these fucking things. All the way, Joe Namath, beyond Broadway, Joe. Cousins of Wills, Johnny United's Don Shula and the Rise of the Modern NFL. Oh my God, I would read all of these. These are the great Bob, a Bob Greasy book? Big fella, Babe Ruth and the world he created. This is, Johnny United is not for long,

the life and career of the NFL athlete, the 1969, 58 Baltimore Colts. Oh my God, Raymond Berry. This is it right here. All these people like me, saying I don't like to fucking read. I will read. You know who's read all of those fucking books?

At least the basketball ones was Bill Simmons. When I read his book on the history of basketball, Jesus Christ, that guy would be like, it's like in Rick Robes in Eric Fernstien's book. Like, I didn't even know they wrote a book. All right, Men Dying Young. Hey, Billy Stathor, figured you'd find this interesting. It shows how men are dying in their prime

at an increasing rate, 92,000 a year, twice as many as the Korean and Vietnam Wars combined, which is funny because almost three quarters of all health and lifestyle related products are marketed towards women. Proves many of your points. Happy Father's Day. Well, I think it's also marketed towards women

because they're allowed to take care of themselves. You know what I mean? Guys have like a fear of going to the doctor. And you know what that fear is? It's cause you haven't gone in so long. So if you're a young guy, I recommend right now getting a doctor, going and get a physical, 99.9%, you're gonna be all right.

And if you're not, it's great you went in cause then they can fucking maybe save you. But if you go in early, it's like back in the day, like getting tested for HIV AIDS, the first test was fucking brutal because that was your entire career. Everything you fucking did and you just sat there sweating bullets.

Then the next time they had to get tested like fucking once a year. And then you're only worried about maybe one or two incidents, you know? You always lie to yourself. I'm always going away or going to them. You don't need to fuck up, right? All right.

So I highly recommend that. All right, the real gender gap in heart disease. Because I'm a guy, I took a poll at the recent family barbecue. Heart disease, who has it worse? Men or women, I asked. The answers came quickly. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law said women.

My father-in-law, arms crossed, said confidently, men. My mother-in-law remembered hearing about how heart disease affected women more than men during the February American Heart Association. Go red for women. I gotta be honest with you, when I hear people dropping a heart attack, it's usually a guy.

Anyway, so apparently the message wasn't heard by the men at this family gathering. They were moved by stories of men, fathers, brothers, friends they knew who died from heart disease. We are taught that facts should trump feelings. Evidence should trump anecdotes. And at first glance it would appear

the men are in touch with their feelings. It is the mission of advocacy organizations like the AHA to raise awareness. Charts like this one are wildly dissimidant and used in countless presentations on the topic. I can't even read that word. Well, I thought this was gonna be an easy article.

I don't even know what they're talking about. The graph demonstrates that over the last few decades, the number of women dying from heart disease has been significantly higher than men from heart disease. In the year 2000 alone, the gap is the most impressive with 70,000 more women dying than men. The problem with the chart is that it's completely misleading. Mortality in the case is best judged by death rates

that take into account age and population at risk. Dude, I gotta be honest with you. I know a number of guys who've had heart attacks and who died of heart attacks. I've never known a woman to die of a heart attack. I don't know. That's weird. I feel like women get breast cancer

and guys get heart attacks. That's kind of how we get fucking prostate cancer. That seems like they actually, was that person trying to just say the opposite in the email? Cause it seemed like they were arguing the other side. I have no idea. All I know is I have a doctor now

and I get fucking checked out. That's what I do. Cause I had a buddy of mine who was 49 years old getting on an elliptical was in better shape than me and had a fatal heart attack. So, and he was never overweight or anything like that. So sometimes it's just like your genetics. And then also like the shit that's in food.

Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows? Sometimes my paranoia, I think that they let, it's usually just because of money, but I feel like the politicians let what happened to our food supply happen because they knew that they couldn't tell people to just stop having this many kids so we can taper off the population.

So maybe they're taking things into their own hands. I have no idea. All right, Apple store. I bet they have a beautiful fucking organic garden for everybody at a certain level of power. They're eating all old school shit. All right, Apple store. Hey, old William billboard.

You may want to think twice about taking your Apple product to Apple store. Well, too late now. I recently saw this video. I thought you might find it interesting, just something to consider. Apple genius bars scamming customers. Well, they didn't charge me any money and they fixed it.

Now I gotta watch a 12 minute. Oh, oh, oh, they're talking about their labor charges. Well, I'm glad somebody put this out here because they were on their best behavior when I went there. I showed up and I said, William, we have you down. We will call you in six minutes. And I sat and I listened to music and right when I was worried, did they forget about me?

Two people came over. What's the problem? They figured it out. They fucking handled the shit in 20 minutes. It was over. I'm never clicking on anything ever again and the malware was gone. It was really bothering me that that was on my fucking,

to the point I didn't even use my laptop for like three days. I was so fucking pissed. It's like, I don't watch porn anymore. I don't booze anymore. I've totally cleaned up my fucking life trying to be a better person here. And then I still end up getting the fucking,

if I was watching porn, it'd be like, well, you know, I played the game, you know? What are you gonna do? I mean, you know, you're gonna get a knife fight. You're gonna get fucking cut. Why do you think it's gonna happen? But I was sitting there being a goddamn saint and I still got one.

Very, very upsetting. All right, let's read another one here. What do we got here? Okay, single girl help. Love when the lady's right in. All right, hello, Billy matchmaker. I'm a long time female listener in need of advice. If you or Nia have a few minutes to help out.

I'm a 35 year old woman living in New York City. I own a two family townhouse in Brooklyn. Ah, you're crushing it. She goes on, I'm a land, I'm a landlady. That's awesome. Good for you. That thing will pay you your whole life. I have a curvy and voluptuous yet healthy size 12 figure.

I don't know what that means. I know you're curvy, you're a bigger girl. I hit my home gym on the regular and go to therapy once a week. I got great relationships with supporting and loving friends and family. I absolutely love music and cook pretty well. I run my own small business that is successful.

And as you can tell, I have a great sense of humor. Been listening to your podcast since 2011. All right, what's not to like? I've done a lot of work on myself over the years to break habits of dating guys who are fun in real life, but on paper have Peter Pan syndrome and are essentially adult children. I'm ready for the real thing.

There you go. I was that guy for a long time. The problem is I'm having a hard time finding the real thing. I work in the fashion industry. The majority of my colleagues are straight women or gay guys. Any men after that are married or 23 years old, 23 year old interns. I've asked my friends, men and women,

in successful relationships if they could play matchmaker for me, but none of them trust their guy friends enough to get with me and not to not screw me over. Yeah, that's hard. Anyways, because I'm focused on a healthier lifestyle, I'm not interested in meeting a guy at a bar at 2 a.m. No, you're doing all the right things.

Your right guy is coming. You're staying single, you're working on yourself. I would suggest before you get to the rest of this is getting some sort of extracurricular activity that involves interacting with healthy people. Some sort of sports league thing, maybe some sort of volunteer work, just somewhere where you're gonna hopefully

meet decent people. Just get into that circle because you're not gonna meet a decent guy at 2 a.m. at a bar. Anyways, I'm not in AA or 12 steps. I just like to wake up early and not have a bloated face. Online dating is okay, but most people on here are just looking for hookups. Absolutely, I'm not approved by any means.

I've had more than my fair share of action living in the dorm room that is NYC. So the question is, can you suggest ways for in New York City for me to meet guys who have their shit together who are looking for the real thing? Perhaps, if one of your listeners hears this and is interested, no, absolutely.

Well, I think I gave you the suggestions of a 51 year old man who has not been single in, I don't know, 15 years. So, I do know that when you decide like I am not settling and I'm just gonna stay single until the right person comes along, that's when most people meet the person

that they're supposed to be with. You don't force it. You don't force it and you go through the holidays alone, which is fine, hang out with other single people. And then you can also be, other parts of your life do well, like your business, because you're not distracted by, I thought we were going out tonight.

And that's what it sounds like when you're with the wrong person. When you're with the right person, like, hey, I thought we were going out tonight. You be like, oh, fuck, yeah, let's do it. I actually like you. Well, good luck, good luck. You're doing all the right things.

You're still young, you're still in your prime. You got the whole fucking thing ahead of you. You're crushing it. Yeah, I would try to, you know, look at time out in New York and shit like that. There's things that like decent people do, and I don't know what they are, because I'm one of these filthy entertainers.

I'm in the nightclub scene. You don't want to be around this, will you? Okay, I'll tell you, it's a rough one. There's gotta be something, something going on in the park. You know, there's people back in the day who like, let's start a rollerblading group like those people. Those are decent people. I don't know.

I just realized I don't know where the decent people are. Accidentally, cucked someone. I love how this word has come into the lexicon. Cucked is like a big fucking internet word. Everybody loves using that word now. Hey, Billy, buttfucker. The more sophomore, the funnier. Hey, Bill, I just found out about a situation

I've become involved in and would like to hear your opinion on the matter. I'm a 20 year old college student in Pittsburgh and found myself involved with the lady during the school year. We weren't dating or anything, but she would regularly come over and we would hook up. The girl is really hot and the sex was good and all,

but eventually I broke things off and started seeing a different girl. Oh, I'm seeing a different girl. Okay, every now and again, this girl would hit me up to hang up, but we never did because I was interested in another girl. And even though I'm no longer seeing the new girl, this other girl still hits me up from time to time.

However, I recently found out that this broad had a boyfriend and the entire time, oh, the entire time we were fucking, Jesus Christ. I know someone who got their shit kicked out of him one time because of that. It had no idea. Had no idea and was sitting in the car with her and this guy just fucking yanked him out

and beat the shit out of him. Of course, it's his fault, right? I kind of feel like a piece of shit knowing I was fucking someone else's girl. Yeah, but he didn't know because I wouldn't willingly hook up or even hit on a girl who was in a relationship. I would just like your opinion on whether I should feel bad

about having sex with the girl. This girl dozens of time and if you think I should reach out to the guy to let him know how much of a whore his girlfriend is. I would love to hear what the lovely Nia feels about this as well. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, there's no reason for you to feel guilty

because you didn't know you were doing anything wrong. Reach out to the guy, that's your decision. I personally would just walk. I never try to get involved in shit like that because what if the person doesn't believe you then they know who the fuck you are and then you're dealing with some fucking crazy shit? I don't know.

I have no idea. I'll let you make that decision yourself but you shouldn't feel guilty because you didn't know. If you go back and do it again, then you should feel guilty. All right, that was an easy one. Okay, what else we got here? How many minutes have I done here? Oh, Jesus, another 22.

Okay. My wife and I have been together for 13 years. 10 years married and almost 11. 10 years married, almost 11, all right. Whenever we argue, oh, this is wife. Wife things, my body is aggressive. What? Wife thinks my body is aggressive?

I don't even know what, anyways. Hello, Coppolis Bill. My wife and I have been together for 13 years. 10 years married, almost 11. Whenever we argue, she accuses me of yelling, which I'm not. I sometimes proceed to show her the difference between the way I'm talking and yelling.

She then changes to say that I'm not yelling but I'm sounding aggressive. I don't know what that means and I've asked her, what does she mean? She's talking about your tone. She says because I have a deep voice and a big guy, six, three, two, 60, that I come across as aggressive.

This pisses me off because I cannot control my size. To me, she's saying if I was a smaller guy with the same voice, I would not sound aggressive. I've gone so far as to argue my point with a gay voice to sound less aggressive. This, that's, you did that? He goes, this pisses her off even more. I've walked away so I don't get pulled into any arguments.

This pisses her off even more. I don't know what to do. How do I control something I have no control of? I feel like she just wants someone to argue with and I'm forced to take the bait. That's what I feel. She just wants to argue. Then I made to feel guilty for my size and voice

by being labeled aggressive. How do I A, not make my large football player size body not seem aggressive during an argument and B, walk away from the argument without pissing her off even more? Thanks and go fuck yourself while dreaming of the 2010, 2011 cup run. Oh, that's what she meant by coupless.

Yeah, dude, this is what's going on. She is manipulating the living shit out of you to win arguments. All right, so what you have to do in an argument is you have to not raise your voice. This is what the, if you want to win with the woman. You have to not raise your voice. You have to say what they did and how it made you feel.

And then you have to listen to them. And when then they're done yapping, okay, if they tried to worm their way out of it and you know they're trying to worm the way out of it, you can't accuse them of it. You have to sit there and say like, okay, I heard what you say. I don't understand how that pertains

to what it is that I'm saying. And you just stay there. And eventually, if you're with a fucking adult, they're gonna apologize. All right? You shouldn't be yelling anyways. I'm trying to stop doing it. I mean, it was doing so great and I don't know.

The stress of being on the road and I can't go to therapy now. I've kind of fucking, I've gone back a little bit. But I was able to see that and now I'm kind of focusing back on not yelling. But I think the fact that you have the balls to have done the gay voice to your wife shows me that you're not afraid of her

and she doesn't have your balls in the purse. So I would just, you know, I would talk to her about this while you're not in an argument. I would just sit her down and say, we need to talk. She'd be like, okay. All right? And then you sit down and just say, listen,

when you're in an interrelationship, you're gonna have disagreements. Okay? The way I air my disagreements doesn't seem to be working for you. So I need you to tell me the proper way that I, you know, so then you get her to commit. If I sit down and not raise my voice,

will I then be heard and not be criticized? Right? So then, and then just play by her fucking rules and she'll think that she's winning. But then what she's done is she's eliminated her ability to avoid what it is that you're saying and just talk about, you know, the way you're, you gestured with your arm,

how low your voice or how your voice was. And that takes all of that off the table. And now you just have to deal with the point that you're trying to make. And I would give that a try. And hopefully that works. And if it doesn't, and she still just finds a million things to bitch about,

then I would consider moving on. Because, you know, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's not an adult? And you're just signing up to be bitched at 24 fucking seven for the rest of your fucking life. And honestly, who the fuck wants that? Nobody wants that. Okay?

And if you sit down with her and you have this conversation and then the next time you guys argue, if you follow by what she's saying would not be aggressive and all of that. And she still has a problem with it. Then you advance the conversation saying like, listen, this is not adult behavior.

Okay? I'm not signing up. I don't want to, if this is the way you're going to be, every time we have a disagreement that no matter what I'm doing, it's not going to be about what I'm saying. It's going to be about the way that I presented it.

That I'm never going to be heard in this relationship. And that's not what I'm looking for. So what do you want to do? Say, you're saying you're not going to break up with me? I'm saying, if you don't start acting like an adult, I am going to break up with you. I'm going to move on. This is going to get old.

Okay? I know I'm not right 100% of the time, but I know a good 30%, 35 on a good month. I am right. And I'm just not seeing the data is not showing that the results here. All right? I would go that route.

I would go that route. All right. That's it for the questions. Now I'm waiting for the advertising. I'm going to have to link like three of these fucking things together. That is it. All right.

Now I'm back. I'm back with time for the reads here. Good Lord. This has been a real disjointed podcast. I apologize. Simply safe, everybody. You know, 10 years ago, getting home security stunk. It felt like companies went out of their way

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That was painless with the reeds over there. So this has been the battle. The battle has been not the battle of the bulge here. I have to eat well. I think we wrap on August 9th. So I'm gonna go hit the fucking elliptical again and I gotta remember my knee pad. I'm at that age now.

I got bursitis or whatever in my fucking left knee and my left shoulder. My right shoulder finally feels good. That was the one that was always the problem with the fucking rotated cuff there, whatever the hell you call it. Now my right one's all fucked up. So I don't know what to do.

I remember thinking like, ah, you know, getting old. That's just like, it's like a mentality. And I just stayed active and I was still thinking like, I'm still running up flights of stairs. I'm almost 50 years old. And then just one day fucking got the old right there, Fred. Three out of four of my major joints. So now it's becoming all what the hell I'm eating.

I don't know, it's the worst. I was reading that Howard Stern thing as I was saying that the article in Rolling Stone, it was this odd combination of it was like, you know, inspiring to see somebody that's trying to like change and become a new person, a better version of who they used to be or whatever. And then it was also depressing

with just talking about people getting old and people fucking dying and all of that shit. Just, you know, how do you guys wanna go? You gotta pick the fucking dying in your sleep as the way to go. You're in your 90s, you know, you had a little cup of cocoa and a cookie or something like that right before you went to bed

and you just fucking lay, you get people when they get really old, super old, they're ready to die, you know. My grandmother was like that. She lived to almost be 105 years old and she outlived, she was, she went through three sets of friends. Can you imagine that? Just think everybody you know and loved is dead.

And then you get another group of people that you know and love and then they die and then you get the third set and they start dying. And at some point you gotta be sitting there going like, all right, am I a vampire this whole fucking time and I didn't realize it? I mean, people usually start dropping 60s and 70s. So you live 30 years beyond that.

You know, you're gonna have to rebuild the franchise a couple of times. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Here's another thing too. When you die young, people care. People show up, you get a great funeral. The older you get, the less people that knew you, they're gone.

I'm trying to think the optimal age to die. Like at what point, like if they were graphing like a great funeral as far as people giving a shit, cause you want people to be devastated when you die, right? You don't want people to just be there going through the motions. You want people to be emotionally affected. But if you outlive everybody or you live long enough

that all your friends are old, that even when they go up there, they have a lifetime of memories that just can be up there like, hey, where's a good fella? And fall asleep like fucking that dude on the Simpsons. I would say sometime in, once you get over 70, once you get over 70, I think that that's,

you lived too long for a good funeral. You know what I mean? As far as people really caring, you know, that's when you start getting to, well, how old was he? 75, that's a nice run, man. I'd take 75, can't bitch at that. You know, people start saying shit like that. You know, anything younger than, even in the 60s now,

people are like, oh, so young. 60, you know, 67 instead is just not a long time. Like people need to see that seven. Once you get into the seven and 80s, forget about it. Like no one gives a shit. You know, 90s, you know, I don't know. I'm trying to think like every time somebody dies in their 90s.

Oh, his grandmother died really? Yeah, she was 91. Oh, dude, 91. Can't get too upset. I mean, I know it's his grandmother. You can't get too upset about that, right? I wonder if that's what the doctors say to you if you're making it to your 90s

and you go into the hospital and you're on your death bed. And they're like, all right, listen, this is it. But you know, you can't get too mad at that. I mean, 91, you lived in every decade. Just think of all the shit that you saw. You know, I mean, Christ, when you were a little, remember the memory of your friend who got hit with the rock from the slingshot?

Fucking dead. There's been like 12 presidents since that happened. I don't know what the fuck you're complaining about. Like nobody has any sympathy for you. It's like when Bob Hope died. If Bob Hope died like 40 years before he did, if he died in his 60s, like it would have been, it would have borderline been like when Reagan died,

when he paraded his body all over the fucking country, right? I mean, as far as what a giant that guy was, but he lived so fucking long, there was nobody left. You know, I'm trying to think of great funerals. Elvis had a great one. All those white caddies. Reagan had a great one. Reagan had a better one than Elvis.

Trying to think of the best funerals. As far as like, okay, if I'm gonna die and I want everybody to give a shit. As far as people giving a shit. Oh, there's one for you, right? Your top five public figure funerals of all time. I got Elvis, Ronald Reagan. Let me see.

Those are the two that come to mind. I only got two. I can't pick a top five. It's gotta be an athlete or something, right? Singer or politician? You'd think Michael Jackson's would have been bigger. Michael Jackson, because you know what? By then, by the time he died,

there was like the online response. You know what I mean? All these people made like these dance videos. So that was amazing because that came, that was like around the fucking world reaction. So in a way, his was the biggest, but like, I didn't see like a lot of, maybe it wasn't like televised, I don't fucking know.

This is a nice morbid subject to try to end the podcast on. All right, well, I think I've done about an hour. This podcast might be a little bit short, but it is Father's Day today. And I got to hang out with the wife and kiddo and I got some lines to learn from my scene tomorrow. Look at this, we're already halfway through June. The shoot is gonna fly by.

June is flying by. Make sure you get out there, you enjoy this summer. Okay, make sure you put on your sunblock. By the way, my head's peeling. Had to do this scene outside in a backyard for the entire fucking day. And they were giving me this umbrella to stand underneath. And it wasn't until the end of the day

that I was kind of thinking like, well, this umbrella was designed to stop rain, not block out the fucking sun. And I cooked my head. I didn't overcook it, all right? But it was definitely done. The little Purdue oven stuff and roaster, that thing popped and it was done.

And my head hurt for like three days. And now it's just like, that's gross. It's like fucking peeling, it's fucking disgusting. So that was my big Father's Day wish. What do you want for Father's Day? I'm like, aloe vera. So I will be staying out of the sun. Thank you to the West Side Comedy Club

and Comedy Cell for getting me up this weekend. I had such a fucking great time. And I'm loving standup more than ever. And I'm actually really enjoying the crowds here in New York. I cracked the code. I figure out how to tease them in a way that gets them out of that stupid post me to hashtag. I need to take everything super seriously

at this comedy show. And also to remind them too, that they didn't hire a comic for a private show. That they're adults and they went out to a nightclub, okay? Okay, so fucking relax. All right, that's it. I don't know who the cheer are at this point. Hockey's done, football's done, basketball's done.

Go Red Sox, kind of the middle of the pack. Little over 500, Yankees are crushing it. They don't even have their regulars yet. I know they just got a big time free agent. They always do shit, right? And so I'm gonna be watching baseball this year to see if the Yankees can win it this year. And they'll have gone,

you know, they'll have won one in this decade, keeping their streak alive since the 80s. They won 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, six decades in a row. They went over in the 80s. Now they got the 90s, 2000s, and then if they get the teens, they'll be halfway to their record again.

It's fucking amazing. And look at the Lakers, stocking up like you knew they would, getting Anthony Davis. We'll see how that works out out there. I guess we were possibly in the running, but like, I don't know, we just, we don't play the free agency game too well. We don't do it as well as the Lakers do.

You know, we did it well with the big three. That's the one and only time I feel like we really got it fucking right. But then, I don't know, the Kyrie Irving thing didn't work out. I mean, he played well for us. We won games and shit, but like at the end of the day,

it's all about winning a championship with us. Hang on, I gotta let people in. Hey, how are you? What's up guys? Are you recording right now? I'm still recording. How was dance class? Was it fun?

Yeah. What'd you do? Guess who jumps on her own. Oh, look at that. Yes. Good for you. Can you say happy Father's Day, Dada? Yeah, thank you very much.

All right, let me wrap this up and we're gonna hang out. Love you. There you go. There you go. All right, that's the podcast here for this week. So yeah, so I think, I don't know, how many more years do you think LeBron has?

It's weird. You always seems tired, but I don't know, then it comes to the playoffs and he fucking go, if he gets there, you know, it's the first time he hasn't made it, obviously, in like fucking, I don't know how many years, but I think he's got plenty left in the tank.

So I'd say the Lakers are looking pretty good, even though they had to trade away all of their team. I wanna see, you know, I'll be interesting to see what's gonna happen. What about the fucking Warriors? Jesus Christ, man. They lose KD and then they, I keep wanting to call them fucking Clay Matthews,

Clay Thompson. It's just fucking two devastating injuries and they might be out for the entire fucking year. It's unreal. It's unreal. And then the Lakers fucking load up and just like that, they're right back in it. You know, it's fucking unreal.

Kills me, kills me as a Celtics fan, but I gotta admit, it sucks when they're bad because Celtics Lakers is the best shit you're gonna watch. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Wednesday, Thursday, sorry.