Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-20-16

Episode Date: June 20, 2016

Bill rambles about death, lifeguards and not crossing the finish line.

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As you notice, it sounds a little weird. I am in a hotel in Baltimore. Baltimore. Baltimore. I can't say that because I have watched Scarface so many fucking times. I can't say Baltimore without picture and fucking, you know, Tony Mont. Is that fucking AC coming back on again? How many fucking times have I got to hit off?

Ah, Jesus fucking Christ. There's a fucking button on here. Literally just says off, off. There we go. Off. Shut off. Please shut off. Thank you.

Fuck sakes. Sorry. Anyway, so believe it or not, I'm doing this because I'm flying back to LA as you're listening to this. And so, sad to say, I haven't watched the fucking NBA finals yet. But I do promise you, if Cleveland wins, then I will do something. I got to do something special or something because who's kidding? Oh, the Warriors already won it. Right.

If they repeat, fuck, sorry. I held it too closely. If they repeat, then it's going to be like, all right, can they three Pete? So next year I feel like it's their big thing so that they can go down with all the teams that have won three in a row. So this year is sort of like, you know, you know, it's not as exciting. I'm sure Warrior fans will, I don't give a fuck. I'd love to see LeBron do it. You know, after everybody gave him shit for the way he left, which they should have.

Because like I said, he gave everybody fucking, you know, sports blue balls like maybe I'll go here, maybe I'll go there. Who wants to buy me a drink? Yeah. He was being very cunty. And then he went to fucking Miami. Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened to her? I'm going to have the TV not on in the background. Good Lord, getting old is the worst.

I just saw some woman. She had her fucking head. You ever see like when a dog gets confused and cocks her head? Like her head was just like that. What is that called? What is that from? How do you avoid that? Is it fucking alternate neck exercises you can do on the other side of your fucking head so that doesn't happen to you?

It's so fucking weird. Why can't you just like, you know, why can't death just be like the old right there friend? You know what I mean? Why does it have to be just like this slow fucking dissension into like God knows what? The older I get, the more frightening that is. When you were younger, you're just like, Jesus, look at that old fuck, what happened to them? And me, I'm looking at it now going like, you know, in the next 20 fucking years, you know, I better start eating better. Jesus Christ, I'm off the rails with my fucking diet.

Does anything make you feel fatter than eating room service in your bed in a fucking hotel? In a fucking hotel? Just eating in a bed in general. Nothing makes you feel fatter than eating in a bed. You know, just fucking sitting there getting crumbs in your sheets and shit and you're trying to scrape it off onto the floor. You just feel like a fucking animal. You're like laying on, I was like literally on my side. I'm in Maryland so I got some sort of crab cake sandwich and of course it sucked because I got it at the hotel instead of the spot to get it at, right?

And I'm on my fucking side and I'm eating the fries. I'm literally sitting there like that fucking lifeguard. You know when he got shit-faced and he was eating the burger and everybody laughed at him. Hasselhoff, everybody was laughing at him. It was fucking nuts to me. It's like, dude, you never did that. You never just been laying on your floor hammered, eating a fucking burger. You should try it sometimes.

The food is delicious. It takes it to a whole other level. You're so fucking psyched and so appreciative of the goddamn food, you know? If you want some, I advocate everybody doing that this week. Get fucking hammered, order a burger, lay on your floor. Just start talking shit in honor of Father's Day while your daughter films you. I think that's the way to go. People are already texting me.

Are you watching the game anywhere tonight? No, I'm fucking working. Actually, somebody tweeted at me going, what's with your agent? Why the hell would your agent book a show, you know, when there's game seven of the NBA finals? It's like, hey, stupid, like, it's not like we booked it after game six. This thing's been on the books for months. We had no fucking idea.

I didn't know. So anyways, I really want to see. I love the Warriors, man, by the way, you know, I have no beef with those guys, but it's just as a sports fan, I don't have a dog in the fight. It would just be great to see LeBron after all the shit he got and all those sad, sad Cleveland fans burned his jersey, standing there in their fucking cargo shorts, right, burning the jersey. People filmed it so fucking stupid.

That is so stupid. I'm not singling out Cleveland Cavalier fans, but when people just take sports to that level, like when Lane Kiffin left fucking Tennessee and there was that one guy going, let me tell you something, you fucking piece of shit, Lane Kiffin, you're gonna fucking leave here. You're gonna leave here like Tennessee's where we ain't no Steffenstone to USC. We're a fucking destination school.

This is what I think of fucking Lane fucking Kiffin. And I don't know what he had. He had some Lane Kiffin something or like a program and he fucking peed on it. A grown man filmed himself peeing on that program. It's like, dude, someday you're going to have kids. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't give a fuck if I had fucking kids. I am right there, they're little dicks out peeing right with me.

I don't take it to that fucking level or whatever. So I always thought it was stupid. You know, this is something like really like medieval about like, it looks like you're at a book burning or something. When you sit there burning a jersey, you know what I mean? It's like, Jesus is going to come down the street with his cross neck. Next thing is start yelling crucify him. It's, you know, at the end of the fucking day, you know, who gives a shit?

If you had the fucking options, Cleveland fans, all right, of staying in miserable downtown Cleveland with all those miserable fucking fans or going to Miami Beach with some of the hottest fucking ass that has ever been fucking grace the earth. You know, beautiful fucking weather, right? You buy a hurricane proof house. I don't know what the fuck that looks like, but God knows if anybody had the money, it'd be a fucking professional athlete. You know, of course you would go down there.

You went a couple, two, three. What, he went three down there? All right, four or five. Yes, six. Yeah, six finals in a row. And he come back to Cleveland. All right, you fucking snowed in cunts. Here we go.

And I'm going to say, I'm going to go big air on this one right now. I say if LeBron, if LeBron fucking leads the Cleveland Cavaliers. To the championship tonight, tonight, tonight, game seven, seven, seven, seven. Yeah. In my mind, he passes Kobe Bryant. All right, I'm just pausing right now. Oh, what the fuck? Everybody's going to say all that shit.

I just feel like the level of leadership that he would have to show in order to do that. You know what I mean? Compared to the teams that Kobe played on where he had all this fucking help. You know what I mean? Because I feel like LeBron has already done the Kobe championship, where you piled on with Shaq and all that fucking shit. He went down there with Dwayne Wade and all those guys. But to go to the middle of fucking nowhere, as far as sports goes, and lead a fucking

sad sack fucking city, sad sack city, out of the fucking, their cursed lack of championships is a way bigger accomplishment than any of Kobe's five that he had. You know, my big beef with him is if Phil Jackson wasn't the coach and he didn't have major free agent signings there, they immediately became a 500 team with Kobe scoring 40 points a night. You know, just being like, well, I got my stats. You guys suck. And then he just would walk off the court.

I don't know. In my sports mind, my unathletic comedic sports mind, I put that with like just watching like the pistons walking off the court when the fucking bulls finally beat him. I don't know. There's just something fucking wrong about that. Walking off the fucking court. What do you fucking share? Did she ever walk off the court?

Did she walk off a battleship ever when she didn't think the sound was right? I have no fucking idea. I'm plowing ahead here. Had an amazing fucking time. I did Newark, New Jersey performance at Santa, whatever the hell they call it. They had some great shows. And then last night, I played this some fucking place in, I don't know why I don't know the names on this run.

Hang on. Second typing in the password. One fucking word letter at a time. I played this place last night and it was the same venue where Mike Tyson knocked out fucking Michael Spinks. Now granted, you know, the way they sat it when he... It's not like I sold the same amount of tickets, believe me. They can seat it in all these different ways.

So they sat it more for a comedy show. But when he fucking did it, it was like right now. Arturo Gotti fought there. All these amazing boxing matches had been there. And if you went in there, man, I literally felt like I was in Citizen Kane. I got to get you guys the name of this fucking place. One of the more amazing places I've ever gotten to walk into. Had this old fucking...

This old organ there and shit. Is it still going to be on my website? I don't know. Ah, for fuck's sakes, Bill. Bill Burr. Ah, just wrote Bill Butt. Fucking dope. Atlantic City.

Let's see, let's see, let's see. Something to something ballroom. Coming in vents. You know, you fucking... How fucking... It just disappears. It's unbelievable. You get kicked in the balls.

It fucking lives forever on the internet. Fucking one goddamn day later, I can't find it. Whatever. Atlantic. I'll tell you, if you ever want to make a zillion dollars in Atlantic City, open up a tattoo removal... Fuck a tattoo removal store, whatever you call it, service. Jesus Christ.

Those were some of the worst fucking tattoos I've ever seen in my life. What the fuck is the name of the venue? You cunt. This is what I do when I can't figure it out. I just start... Atlantic City. Boardwalk hall. And, um...

Actually, you know, my back has been way better. But just riding in a car, I don't know what it is. It just fucks with my leg. The nerve starts acting up again. But I'm like 85% of the way back. I'm really psyched, so, um... I didn't want to deal with driving that two-hour thing down the turnpike. So, uh...

I actually, for once, blew a little bit of cash, and, uh... I took a helicopter ride down from the fucking west side of Manhattan, down to Atlantic City. It was the shit. I flew in an A-star. Got to sit up right next to the pilot. I didn't get one of the seats in the back, which was cool.

I bought a ticket and piled on this thing. Some other people going down there. And, um... It was a fucking shit, man. He came out. Like, I was always terrified of being like, ah, man, I don't know if I would want to fly. I still wouldn't.

I would never fly around Manhattan without an instructor, because it's just so much fucking traffic. But you just go out over the Hudson, and just like you're driving down the street, you just get on the right side. I couldn't look over and see his gauges to see what altitude we were flying at. We went right down the Hudson River. And, um, by the Freedom Tower and all that stuff.

And then we got to the other side. Not the other side. We got to the south side. And there's, um... You know, the Statue of Liberty's right there. Ellis Island. And then we went right over the Verrazano Bridge, and there's no way to fucking go over that thing.

And not think of fucking Saturday Night Fever. You know, when that fucking guy, Bobby, whatever his fucking name is, tries to do the headstand, look at me, I'm like, you guys! Right, look at me. They're like, Bobby, don't fucking do it, Bobby! And him and his polyester suit just go all the way down to the fucking bottom, man.

It's just fucking... Fucking unbelievable. I mean, that fucking scene scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. But now, you know, just his fucking afro and his fucking big collar. You know? It's almost like if he went in headfirst, he would have been fine. Or actually, maybe it would have absorbed too much water and he'd hit the bottom.

I had no idea. But anyways, we went over that, then we went over Red Bank, New Jersey, made a right and went right down the coast, went by Asbury Park, saw the fucking Jersey, show me! And it actually made me think like, I can't believe I never went to either one of those places. Went down to Atlantic City, then we had a great time down there, and tonight I'm in Baltimore, so that's basically it. But fucking underrated, underrated,

being in Manhattan, blowing a little bit of cash, piling onto a fucking helicopter with a few other fucking passengers, getting the last seat and fucking flying by that amazing skyline, man. It was the shit. It was the shit. And I finally got to riding an A-Star, and it was way less intimidating than I thought it was going to be. I thought when I looked at the cockpit, all the gauges and everything,

brand new, they were analog. I don't like that digital shit. I fucking hate that stuff. I don't trust it. I don't like it. I'm not a technology guy. I like when everything looks like a fucking weird clock. Then I feel like I can read it.

I don't like all that type of shit. So anyway, how many minutes am I up to here? I would do the advertising. I just don't know if it's coming yet. Let's see if we got anything. Nothing. So anyways, as always, as I've been trying to mention here, so I can support my fellow comics,

if you like this podcast or stuff like this or maybe you're sick of it and you'd like to listen to another one, we have, I feel, the best collection of podcasts on, of any other podcast network at the All Things Comedy Network. We got Bert Kreischer. We got, who else we got? We got Philippe Esparza's What's Up Fool podcast. We got Aaron Foley's fucking sports without balls.

We got Dean Delray's Let There Be Talk. Doug Stanhope. Look at this murderous fucking row here. A bunch of other fucking people on here. And it's all just high quality stuff. Eddie Pepitone, Tom Papa. Come on, man. Where else are you going to get podcasts like this?

Tom Segora and your mom's house. We got all kinds of stuff there. So let me click on a few of these here so I can give some shout-outs. Ari Shafir's Skeptic Tank. It's a great website and we just got some investors on it, which is great. So we're going to start having some more original content, which is why I'm trying to drive some traffic there and be a good fucking team player.

Okay, so after I do my show here tonight, beautiful fucking Baltimore. Baltimore. I'm flying. This is my fucking day. I'm flying out to LA. I go right into the writer's room. And after that, I'm doing a benefit that's really important to me.

A great friend of mine, Bobby Slate, and unfortunately his wife passed away a few months ago. And we're doing a benefit in memory of her at the Saban Theater in Beverly Hills. And the fucking line-ups are ridiculous. Arsenio Hall is hosting. And there's a few other up-and-coming comics you might have heard of, like Ray Romano, Dana Carvey, John Lovitz, Brian Regan, Bob Saget. And I'll be fucking pulling up the rear there.

Lowman on the totem pole in that show would definitely be me. I'm a huge fan of all of those guys, so I can't believe I'm going to get to work with them. Unfortunately, it's not the greatest reason why we're doing it, but we love Bobby and it's a great benefit. There are a few tickets left. It's going to be a crazy show. And I have a feeling all those guys are going to be fucking with each other because they've known each other for so long.

And I'm going to be beyond a fanboy that night. And then after that, I go home and then I go right on a fucking plane. I have to go back to New York because I've got to work with some actors to do some voiceovers. We're up to episode eight, everybody. No, we're recording episode seven. Huh? Dog days of summer.

We're coming around. We're coming around. So fucking psyched. We're up to episode seven. We're going to do the table read for episode eight. We'll record the fucking episode. Next week. Hey, you know, I just realized, you know, it'd be cool if one of you guys out there

wanted to come to a table read. I got to figure out how to do some sort of contest or something, maybe bring you in for episode 10 whenever we record that. I don't know why the fuck I never thought to do that. You know, it's funny. I don't even invite my wife to them. I'm so busy like pouring over the script, making sure, you know, I don't fuck up the jokes at the table read,

but you know what, I'm going to figure out how to do that. And I'm promising you right now by next Thursday, Thursday's podcast, we'll have something set up for that. I think that'd be a really cool thing. If you're into the show, if you're not into the show, then you're probably like, well, hey, Bill, maybe I just want to go get a fucking cheese stick or some shit. Cheese steak.

Sorry. Anyways, let me, what else do I want to talk about here? This is usually where I do the fucking advertising. I guess I can't this week. Oh, Formula One racing. The European Grand Prix over there. I actually didn't get a chance to watch that because I stayed out too late, but I did tape it, but spoiler alert, spoiler alert.

Nico Rosberg, fucking Nico. Nico Rosberg, he won his fifth fucking race, right? One, two, three, four, five. He's won five of them. He's the points leader. He's with the German team. And he's just funny. Rosberg, you know what I mean?

It's about time they fucking made up for it. Had a Jewish guy drive for them, you know? I don't know if he's Jewish or anything, but he also drives from Mercedes. So I always root for Germany and Mercedes because I've never done a background check, but I think I'm mostly German, just based on what my parents have told me.

But oh my God, I saw the pictures of it too, just driving through this beautiful fucking city. I don't know where the fuck I've been for so goddamn long when it comes to Formula One. Now, of course, because I'm a psycho, somebody told me about the fucking, you know, basically the Formula One of motorcycle racing. I don't know why I'm not watching that.

I sit there and I flip out where I love all these fucking crazy contact sports, right? You know, I like rugby, Australian Rules Football and this fucking Mad Max shit that people have been showing me lately where it's sort of rugby, sort of soccer, and after somebody scores, you can punch them in the face. I don't know what the fuck that is.

It's like football, soccer, rugby, and bullying, all at the same fucking time, man. It's just, I don't know about that sports, you know? The only thing I was missing was just to have a couple of bulls run in there and just start fucking trampling people. But anyways, let me shut this fucking TV off. This is really fucking with my brain here.

I don't know why, if I liked all that type of shit, why watching somebody ride a motorcycle, 200 fucking miles an hour. It's absolutely, you know what is amazing to me is these guys are so good that when they go down, they don't die somehow. You think they, I mean, not saying people don't die, but you think they would die every fucking time.

You know what I mean? The fact that you can wear a fucking suit that is so goddamn strong, you can go 200 miles an hour and you can fall off your fucking bike and it just doesn't, like, what should happen there is, like, after fucking two seconds of skidding on the asphalt at 200 miles an hour, immediately you should just see the guy's ass.

His bare ass should be there and then you just see it looks like steak and then it would look like bones and then that would just be it and the guy would be dead. You would think that that would happen every time and these fucking guys just slide in these goddamn suits. They're incredible. I'm not saying people don't die, but I think this is sort of my next thing, man,

because, like, what's funny this time of year when hockey ends and basketball ends, everybody who's a football fan, you know, picks either hockey or hoop for the most part. All right, very few go hockey and then wait and go baseball. I only know a couple guys like that. So people go hockey or fucking hoop

and people who watch hockey don't watch hoop. People watch hoop don't fucking watch hockey. They have nothing in common with each other and the only thing that they have in common with each other other than their love of football is the sheer fucking panic of the day after the game seven or your final or your finals when that's over and you're like, holy fuck, what am I going to do now

for the next two and a half fucking months as I wait for the NFL regular season to start? And I'm not shitting on baseball because I love baseball. I just that the fucking dog days of summer, I can't stand like, you know, who the fuck wants to go out to the ballpark? It's like fucking 100 degrees out. You know who does diehards?

I guess I'm not a diehard baseball fan, but I love it. I love it in October. So I needed a sport and formula one dude, I'm telling you, like the race today was only like something like 50 something laps. You can really just sit down and they bang it out in a couple of hours.

You know, you get to learn about other fucking cities. You know, half of them, they go to you like, oh shit, I'd like to go there. Get all those people hanging out, calling it right now. At some point I'm going to hit a fucking country when they have a formula one race. There's actually one here that says the United States. It says United States Grand Prix for the life of me.

I think it's in Austin, Texas, which is really disappointing to me that that's where they're going to fucking have it. You know what I mean? Why the fuck is it in Austin, Texas? They should have that thing in like Chicago. Chicago should have a formula one fucking race. That's a cool ass fucking city.

You know, fucking zipping over the rivers at one point. Only one car could make it. They probably killed each other. I don't even know what the track looks like in Austin, but all I know is Austin is a great city once you're in it. Trying to get to it with that fucking traffic is an absolute goddamn nightmare.

So anyways, I guess this is a place here where I would actually pause, right? And I would do some sort of advertising. I'm just going to say this so I can edit it in later. We're going to pause here right now for a little bit of advertising. What the fuck is my reads? Come on, give me the reads.

Give me the reads. Ah, you cunt. All right, but you know what? It doesn't matter to you guys because this is not going to be in real time for you. So, oh my God, does this podcast suck as bad as it sounds in my fucking head right now? You know what I was going to say about Baltimore?

Every time I go to the Baltimore, the Baltimore, I always think about the wire. And I was going to go, I remember the wire, and then I was going to go boo boo boo boo boo boo, which is for law and order. I can't even remember how the fucking song went. I just remember the song in the end, the guy was screaming up,

but as you can tell, I'm kind of losing my fucking voice with the voice over shit and screaming about my dick here on stage. But you know what I'm psyched about? It's my fucking act that's coming together, and I'm getting ready to do another special. I think I'm going to do it in October. And all I got to do is just get through these

last three fucking episodes, okay? Give 100% on that shit, and then that's it. Then all of a sudden, it's old Billy fucking flank steak. Remember when I said I wasn't going to drink? You know? I fucked up on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, okay? But I was great Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday, right? So when I get back, I'm going back to not drink it.

I got to get back off this, but I just, I don't know what happened. You know? I fucking... I don't know what happened. You know what happened? I went on the fucking road. That's what happened.

I went to New York, and I met up with some fucking friends, and they're like, hey, let's go to this fucking bar. And then, you know, it's like one of these wine bars, you know? So you don't feel like you're drinking. So I showed up, you know, with another buddy of mine. It's fucking comic. I'm not going to say I don't want to name any names, but this guy's fucking hilarious, and he comes in,

and it was hilarious. And then, you know, Verzi called him out. He just goes like, because he showed up, and I know what you're saying, but why did you go to a wine bar? Because there were ladies there, and that's what they fucking picked, right? So we're like, all right, we'll fucking go there.

So he shows up, and I immediately go, dude, it's a wine bar. I don't... Because he wanted a beer in a shot, and his face fucking dropped, and Verzi called out. He goes, dude, the level of fucking disappointment on your face.

And then we found out that they had beer, but it was just, you know, this foofy place. So the dude goes, you know, can I get you some drink? He goes, yeah, can I just get a Bud Light? And the guy's like, yeah, no, we don't have Bud Light. We have... We have a...

Whatever the fuck it is, some Italian beer. And he goes... The guy's like, oh, what? He's like a... And he just goes, is that a beer? And the guy goes, yeah. And he goes, all right, I'll have one of those. And I don't know what happened.

Then we started doing tequila shots. And the whole fucking thing went off the rails. And I'm a fat fuck, and I don't like myself right now. There, I said it. I'm fucking in a hotel room in Baltimore, eating French fries in bed. Huh? Like some fucking, I don't know,

somebody whose dreams didn't come true. That's who eats French fries in bed. Or maybe people who fucking... Everything worked out for him, and they're just so fucking bored that, you know, like Marlon Brando, whatever the fuck his issue was. Oh, I have one every award that exists. Bring me a fucking Elk's head.

He just sat in bed, just gnawing on the fucking antlers for like 10 years, and all of a sudden, you know, he's ready to do the fucking... What is it? What the fuck? Gorilla Monsoon movie? I have biopic. I have no...

I don't know how those things work. I don't pretend to fucking know. So anyways, we're going to pause here for a little bit of advertising before we come back with a Monday Morning Podcast. Okay, and we're back. So I figure that'll take me a good fucking three minutes to read those cunts.

Maybe five minutes or whatever. So that means I can get to the... I can get to the questions right now, can I? I think I can. Don't get too close to the mic, Bill. Second, you fucking ask... Exhale, it all goes off the fucking rails. All right, here we go.

All right, advice first. You know, some kind of fucking Ireland... Some kind of Ireland gave me shit about the ticket prices. I think that's a little bit too much. I think you're funny. It's like, hey, douche, how about the fact I'm flying from the other side of the fucking world almost onto your fucking doorstep?

That's not enough for you? Who's going to pay for all that fuel? All right, here we go. Advice for a daft Scotsman. Hey there, you redheaded cunt. I cannot fucking wait to go back to Scotland, Ireland, and all these fucking places. These miserable cunts are some of the funniest people

you're ever going to meet. All right, he says I'm 26-year-old guy from near Glasgow, Scotland. For quite a while, I was in a bit of a rut, but eventually I managed to pick myself out of it and decided to do something that I've always wanted to do. I took a big step and decided to buy a ticket to a festival in Chicago.

I asked the shit, I love Chicago. Said I booked my flights and I'll be in the city for a week. That's tremendous. I said basically my question is, as I'll be traveling alone and will be staying alone, how easy is it to just hang around and strike up conversations with complete strangers in a different country?

Have you ever found difficulties in finding common ground in conversation with people from different countries? Also, any full pause I should avoid when talking to Americans so I can prevent getting my cunt kicked in? All the best, you fat shaming prick. All right, there's a lot of questions there. Well, the only time I ever traveled

is when I'm doing stand-up. And then after the show, there's always people that just saw you do a show, so I've already broken the ice. But first things first, why don't I tell you a couple places to go to from my little fucking places to go thing that I have in my fucking phone that my wife used to make fun of?

She made fun of places to go and she was laughing, and then, you know what? We went to one of those fucking places and then all of a sudden, you know, she has total faith in it. Now she tells me to hit it. All right, here's what I would go. All right?

If you like a nice fucking, a great fucking bar for music and that type of thing, I'd go to the Liars Club. If you like cigars, there's a place, Big Cigar Emporium. Check that fucking place out. And then as far as food and all that shit, I would just tweet about it

because I'm not a big fan of deep dish pizza. You know what I mean? I just don't understand it. I don't understand deep dish pizza the way I don't understand why coffee and tea have to be so fucking hot. You know what I mean? So it gets the fucking tea bag all in the water maybe?

Is that what the fucking is? I just don't understand. But you have to wait like an hour before you can drink it without scalding your fucking mouth. And when it comes to deep dish pizza, it's just too fucking much. And you can't just get a slice of it.

They bring the fucking thing over. It's like, hey, you want some lasagna? Yeah, but not a whole fucking tray. But you should definitely try it. If you get one that actually has a really good crust, it is pretty amazing, but it's just like, I mean, you can literally split one piece with somebody else.

It's so fucking big. And my wife said the funniest shit about it. She called it an abomination. She goes, it's the ultimate expression of American gluttony. She goes, go to Italy. You won't see anything over there like it. And it's true.

When we went to Italy, you know, they have like, we have all our American versions of their dishes, you know what I mean? But there's no deep deep deep dish pizza in Italy. At least not in any place we went to in Rome. That's the only place I've been to, but you don't see it. That's what she said. And she goes, you know why?

Because it's an abomination. So anyways, as far as I found in that Liars Club, people were fucking cool as hell. If you're into the music and shit, it's a good time. But dude, you're going to be coming over with your fucking accent. I wouldn't go to the fucking, you know, depends on what you're into. I would go to a place where there's going to be

a bunch of beautiful women. That's what I would do. And then you go over there and you just fucking, just start talking. And I think you'll be in the fucking game. And there'll be, who'd you come over here with? I came over by myself. I always wanted to come to Chicago.

And just literally, you know, what do you fucking birds do? Whatever the fuck you guys talk, right? What the fuck you fucking do over here for fun? Just get it wearing kunt, right? Whatever the fuck you're going to say. And they're going to love it. They're going to love it.

Even if you ask them, hey, for a fucking shag, any, however the fuck you say, fucking in your country, it's going to seem so cool to them and so different. And then also they're going to be more adventurous. Because, you know, the story is leaving with you when you go back, when you fly back to Scotland. How can you avoid getting your head kicked in? Don't do what everybody else from other countries do.

As you come here and you criticize the United States and talk about how dumb we are, how fat we are, how awful the foreign policy is, how our football players are pussies because they wear pads. Why do you call it football? All of that dumb shit. You know what I mean? It's so fucking obnoxious, you know.

You know why it's obnoxious? Because those kinds of people always come here and act like they're these worldly traveled people. You know, oh, I come from here and I come from there and we can do this and we can do that. And it's just like, well, in all of that fucking travel, you never learn to be on your best behavior when you come to somebody's country

and you don't come in and insult it. So you make your whole country look like a bunch of fucking snobby cunts. You never learned that one. I am always, I'm on my best fucking behavior when I go to a different country. I'm not saying I don't go out and get fucking hammered. But like, I don't go there and shit on it, you know.

Some of these places I go to, I'm fucking talking to people. I know this place is nice. They're always like, why the fuck did you come here? Remember when I was like, I was in Oslo, Norway. And I said, you know, I'm going to be, you guys, well, thanks a lot. You guys have been great. I'll definitely be back.

And somebody yelled out, why? It just struck. I was like, what do you mean why? Fuck, wouldn't I? It's fucking beautiful. I don't know. Anyway, so I would avoid doing that. And then just everything else is common sense, you know.

If somebody's, you know, looking like a psycho, just fucking leave him alone. But I don't know, dude. I mean, I judge a lot of Scotland on that movie, Trainspotting, where I just feel like, I don't go into any bars where there's an upper deck to it because I just feel like there's going to be that guy up there that's going to finish his fucking pint

and just throw the glass over his head, cut open some woman's face. Like, I just, you know, if it's even remotely like that over there, I think you're going to be fine in Chicago. I would definitely try to go to a Cubs game. No offense to White Sox fans, but you guys all know that your fucking stadium stinks.

You know it stinks. It's the only time I ever saw a stadium, a new stadium built, and they admitted so quickly like, wow, we really fucked this up. Let's try it like, it was like a botched nose job. You know what I mean? Like, your stadium is the fucking stadium version

of like, you know, in some Hollywood chick or somebody, they get too much work done on their face and people, oh my God, what happened? That's what you did with that stadium. They're like, well, let's wait till it settles. Let's see what happens, you know? No. So there you go.

But dude, you picked a great fucking city to go to. Chicago is the shit. And I picked a great time of the year to go there. I will tell you, the traffic is fucking horrific. So just get ready for that. But once you're in it, it's fucking phenomenal. All right, where do we go here? All right.

Dear Billy's Stretchy Pants, on your podcast, Sometime Back, you were talking about someone getting with someone else and one of the people gaining a bunch of weight. Oh yeah, when you start dating somebody, how it's not fair to the other person for you to then put on a bunch of fucking weight. Unless you're a woman, you're having a baby.

That's obviously, you know, I'm not a fucking animal here, but I'm just saying, you know, after you have the kid, you know, that's when you know. After your wife has a kid, two things should happen. This is what you do. You get a little bassinet for the beautiful baby. And then the second thing you do is you get an elliptical for your wife.

But so she doesn't get mad at you. What you do is you get her initials engraved on the side of it. In plastic, of course. Totally kidding. All right. I was already a few weeks into whipping myself back into shape. Okay, let me just start this over again, because I even forgot what the fuck he's talking about.

On your podcast, Sometimes Back, you were talking about someone getting with someone else and one of the people gaining a bunch of weight. I was already a few weeks into whipping myself back into shape, but this really helped me solidify my will. Now that's fucking great, man. That's great. Can you help me?

Because you know what's sitting in a fucking writer's room is like I eat there like the way I eat on the road. I mean, it's just fucking hard to try to eat healthy. It's just, you're just bored. You're freaking out. You're locked in the fucking room and you're like, I'm going to eat some fucking candy for no reason. I'm sitting there every day like it's Halloween

and I'm fucking seven years old. I got to stop. All right. It made me think that I should really give my lady the respect of maintaining something close to the body I had when she got on this train. She loves me. She has stayed with me in spite of the lumpy beanbag chair

I have become. I'm now in 15 pounds down with a bunch more to go, but I am back on my routine. Four or five trips to the gym at 5.30 in the morning. Dude, you're fucking killing it. That's great. And calorie counting as well. I know exactly what to do.

It's just the time now. My question is this, how do you deal with it if your lady wants you to eat the same stuff she is or wants to go to a shitty fried food restaurant? Anyways, thanks, man. Hope season two of Effes for Family is coming along well. It is. Thank you, sir.

Can't wait to see it. And I loved your last show in Austin. Hurry back and come during the football season. We had a monster fucking recruiting class this year. Thanks, you bastard. Oh, that's great, man. You're good. Longhorn should be good.

It's a legendary college program there. All right. All right. How do you deal with it? I would just say, that's easy as easy. Just sit down with her and just say, hey, listen. You know, when you got with me, I was however years old and I weighed this much.

And I don't think it's fair for me to have put on all this fucking weight, you know, and to be looking like a lumpy beanbag chair, like you said. So I'm really trying to get myself back into shape. So I was wondering if, you know, you know, if you want to eat something that's a little unhealthy, is there any way we just can go to a place that has healthy options for me? All right, because I don't want to look bad for you. And I also don't want to die early.

So you're fucking, you know, in your 40s and 50s, having to put lipstick on and get the fuck back out there again and try to meet somebody who works down at Sears. You know, I don't want to do that to you. I like to be here for the long haul. Dude, there's no fucking way she'll give you shit about that. That's a very easy thing to have happen, you know. And then also, I think, sorry, I'm looking at the timer.

I also think that she would be happy to hear that you weren't just doing this for some vain reason yourself, that you were actually also doing it for her. I think that that would be pretty cool. Now watch, now watch, she'll fucking get in some big fucking fight, you know. Are you seeing, are you saying I eat bad? Do you say I'm fat? You know, she blows her sales manager. All right, read this.

Okay, all right, I'm going to read this relax. What's up, dickhead? Let's go fucking Bruins. Can't wait for next season. I just moved to wildly mediocre Los Angeles. Well, yeah, that's what you're going to feel like because you just fucking moved there. But if you stay open-minded, which is really difficult for East Coast people to do, I did that the first time I came to LA.

I went to LA and I tried to do Boston, New York shit. And then when I couldn't, I was like, this place fucking sucks. It doesn't. It's fucking amazing. Beautiful women, some of the best food you're ever going to have. So much outdoor activity. Just fucking embrace it. Stop trying to be the fucking Boston guy.

You're not on a reality show. All right, take it down a few fucking notches. Nobody gives a fucking Los Angeles that you don't like it. Everybody just thinks, well, then go back to fucking Boston. Go back to Philly, wherever the fuck you're from. If it's so fucking great, why did you accept a job out here? All right, sorry. I'm just heading you off at the pass before you come another cunt.

Shit non-fucking LA. He said, I work for the UFC editing fight highlights. Thanks for keeping entertained with your semi-literate Bible babble bullshit day after day. This is like a classic East Coast guy. He really likes me and likes what I do, but he just can't get himself to say it because his dad never hugged him. So I'm not taking any of this personally.

Anyways, my girlfriend is about to move here to meet me. She had to stay behind when I moved because she's a teacher and needed to finish out the school year. We get along great. I trust her and she treats me better than I deserve. However, sometimes I can't take how ditzy she can be. I'm starting to pull some threads here. She is successful and very book smart, but sometimes lacks common sense.

I find myself feeling embarrassed when she says some stupid shit in front of my friends or parents. It's kind of a hard thing to discuss with her though. What the fuck should I do? Also, I'm coming to your show at the Saban Theater this Monday. I'm looking forward to it, so don't blow it. Well, I appreciate you coming out to that. Like I said, it's, you know, for a really good friend of mine

and for a great cause. So thank you for doing that. All right. Well, here's the deal, dude. You either have to accept the fact that she can be a little ditzy or you have to come to the realization that you're dating a fucking dope and you got to get rid of her. It's one or the other.

I mean, look, she doesn't sound like she's 100% that. I've dated people like that that were a little, you know, they were either locked in or just sort of floating. It was really weird and they could say really like amazing like spot on shit and then two minutes later could just could say something like, oh my God, what the fuck was that? But I have to tell you that's kind of a big deal, dude. You know, you can't think that the person you're dating is a dope.

You know, you get into that situation and I don't know. You start thinking about getting married. You start thinking about having kids. You're like, is my kid going to be half a dope or a full on dope? Is the kid going to get all of that DNA from her? Who the fuck knows? It's kind of hard to think to discuss with her, you know.

What are you going to say to her? Can you stop saying dumb shit? I mean, there's no way to do that. You know, trying to think. That's like my wife telling me to work on my, I mean, I do work on my temper, but I mean, it's kind of how I'm made up. I mean, if somebody's ditzy, they're fucking ditzy. That would be like my wife telling me, okay, can you be a little less pasty?

It's like, I can become red for a few days. That's about the best I can do. I don't know what else you want from me, but you know, I think you need to maybe move on. I'm not saying you need to move on. Yeah, you either accept this about her or you got to walk one or the other. All right, here's another one. Jesus Christ, can't come.

And I don't mean to the wedding. How's it going, Billy Butterballs? If you're reading this on Monday, it's fucking sick. June 20th, Will is my 21st birthday. Oh, Jesus. I don't know what's going on here. Great gift hearing you read this. Well, you're not going to hear it until the fucking Monday anyways.

All right, I'm emailing today, though, is I was with this girl last summer, some good sex, no big deal, but we didn't have anything going on during the year when we were at college. Well, we're back at it this summer, but the thing is, I can't come. I mean, I'm doing good, pretty good, PPM pumps per minute, but I just can't finish. Now, I know you're not a doctor, so not going to ask you why, but how should I go about this?

I think she's getting self-conscious, but she's a hard eight and I'm a soft six. She's hot. It's not her fault. Daddy can finish. Daddy can't finish when the pressure is on. How should I be playing this? I can only laugh it off for so long.

I'll try not jerking off too. Maybe that'll help any advice. Thanks for the read, man. Hopefully I'll be able to come check you out when you come back east coast. Maybe Baltimore and Sunday. Go socks, go fuck yourself. Yeah, don't rub one out. If you're watching too much porn, maybe that's a problem.

Or maybe you don't want to be in a relationship with her, and that's the weird way your body's reacting. You're wasting time, so we're not going to fuck. I don't know. There's a zillion psychological reasons, but yeah, just don't rub one out for a while. This is another thing, too. Women are very forgiving people.

I wouldn't laugh it off. I would talk to her about it and just say, obviously this is happening. It's bothering me. I'm feeling pressure about it, and I'm also feeling like in a roundabout, I just don't want you to be taking my issue on. There's something you are doing.

You're not doing anything wrong. There's something going on with me, and then she'll be like, well, maybe you should go talk to somebody about it. And because you're a fucking Red Sox fan, I'm assuming you're from the Boston area, you don't want to go to therapy. And even if you do go to therapy,

I've always said, who is that fucking psychologist that said the Irish are immune to therapy? I don't know. If you like this girl, I would definitely talk to her about it. But there's no reason to put any pressure on yourself. You know what I mean? Just don't rub one out. Don't watch any porn.

Just, you know, I don't know. Just let it back up. I don't fucking know. I'm not a doctor. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Here we go. Wind it down. Wind it down.

All right, heroin. I have no family, no friends. I work and support myself. I have no kids, no relationship. I actually enjoy freedom and being alone to an extent. I'm in my 20s. I had a lot of sex relationships and ended up getting herpes slash HPV.

I would basically rather just not tell people and not have relationships than to have to. At 35 years old, didn't have to at 35 years old deal with having to explain slash tell this to women. I really like heroin. What the fuck? Jesus Christ, buddy.

What are we doing here? This doesn't sound real. I really like heroin. I go to work, come home, and use heroin on a daily basis. I still pay my bills. I still work, but I have traded the pleasure of sex

slash having a family, slash relationships for that of watching TV shows, slash movies while high on heroin, falling asleep, then going to work the next day. Should I change this? Is this real? You know what?

I'll treat it as real. Should I listen to society, stop using, go out there and find women and tell them about my situation and hope they do not reject me and get clean? Or if I am happy, is it okay for me to just accept

the women part of my life is over, eat whatever I want, use whatever drug I want, and fill the time I have left on this planet watching shows, movies, playing games, and resigning myself to the fact that I will be alone? Love the podcast.

Heroin gets a bad rap. It may sound crazy, but people can use opiates and still be responsible. I know many people who do. It's like alcohol. Both can be physically... This is really fascinating.

Or maybe it's a big lie. I don't know. It's like alcohol. Both can be physically addictive. Alcohol can actually kill you with withdrawals while heroin cannot. And the deaths you hear about heroin are from idiots overdosing.

What if you get a bad batch? Isn't that something? It's too fucking strong. I don't know. I don't pretend to know. If we reported all the deaths from alcohol-involved incidents, they do report all of them.

As far as I know, it's like they're trying to hide them. They are easily 100 times more than heroin-related deaths. But in our society right now, opiates are not acceptable because too many white middle-class parents are finding their idiot kids

using them without understanding tolerance slash proper dosing. Anyways, love the podcast. I'm not leaving any contact info, so I have no way to know if you read this. Just thought it might be an interesting subject for your show. It is interesting.

Yeah, dude. I don't pretend to know anything about opiates. All I do know is that they... I know alcohol can ruin your life, but I don't think it's nearly as addicting as heroin. I have heard that people can fucking... I don't know.

But I think if what you're saying is true, I think you're a rare person that can handle that, I have no idea. Ah, fuck, now I gotta look some shit up. The last thing I wanted to do, and I gotta get going here, I got my fucking show here in a half hour.

Oh, the live reads are here. The live reads are here. I guess I'll read them here then. Let me just see something. Let me just look up. All right, look up. Productive while on heroin. Heroin and employment.

Independent drug model. Let's see. Productivity and heroin addiction. What is this? How heroin addicts in Vietnam... What is this? Productivity and heroin addiction. How living in a cave turned me into a blogger.

I failed my New Year's resolution. I wish I could do better. I just don't have enough willpower. Have you ever set a goal you didn't achieve, ever tried a New Year's resolution that didn't stick? What separates the 0.5% from the 99.5%? What makes some people succeed

in building new, sustainable habits but almost everyone else fails? How living in a cave turned me into the fuck's the heroin shit? How heroin addicts in Vietnam and your productivity habits are the same? What? Everyone knows the horrible effects of heroin addiction. Once someone starts taking heroin,

it's almost impossible to quit, and those who form a recurring habit will likely never quit. So why didn't heroin using Vietnam vets relapse when they returned to the USA? A study from the Washington School of Medicine, very few heroin using Vietnam, a veteran relapses...

What? Very few heroin using veteran relapsed when they returned to the USA. And those who did were more likely to have been illicit drug users before ever arriving in Vietnam. These vets weren't addicted to the chemicals in heroin. They were addicted to the experience of heroin in a specific situational context.

In the same vein, you think you're in control of what you do. You think that when you fail, it's a failure of your willpower. But the fact is you don't even realize the influence of the environment has on you. Did you know that obesity spreads through a network of friends?

Happiness also spreads throughout a social network. Your situation determines your choices as much as or more than your own personal choices in willpower. So how can I use this to improve my habit? Jesus Christ, no, join a Wally Ball League. I don't even know what the fuck that was. All right, let me look up... Let me just read these fucking things here.

You know what, I might read up on that. I probably won't. I'll try to... I would never tell people to fucking... You know, hey, it's just heroin. You know, that seems a little crazy to me. And people always come in an alcohol. It's like the fucking pot smokers always doing that shit.

Well, alcohol, actually, man, there's no medicinal purposes to fucking it. I get it, I get it. But you know, you guys are also... You know, you're pie-in-the-sky fucking thing with weed, like it's... Like you can't get addicted to weed is another fucking thing. Jesus Christ.

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