Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-21-21

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

Bill rambles about rare 70's flicks, getting 'one upped', and more 'Things I Shouldn't Have Said'.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 21st. What's going on? How are you? How's it going, everyone? Everyone, how are you? I hope you had a happy Father's Day. Father's Day. I hope everybody, you know, hope you had a good time. You know, I bitched enough about my Father's Day to make sure that my wife realized that it's called Father's Day. Not Father's Morning. Not Father's Morning and into the early afternoon and then the shit goes back to normal. I knew. Father's Day. All day. All day, baby. All day. Who you honoring? This guy. Whoo. Who's the man with the shit jumps that keeps the lights on? That's right. Say it. Repeat after me. Right? This is my day.

So, I'm in the middle of my day right now. Of course, I still have to do a podcast, you know. But you know, whatever. I'm still enjoying myself. I've been chilling out. You know, my wife was asking me. She's like, what do you want to do for Father's Day? Do you want to go to brunch? Can you believe that? Can you believe the fucking nerve? That beautiful saint of a woman that married this fucking asshole? Can you believe that? Do I want to go to brunch? No, I don't want to do your shit on my day. So, she laughed. She goes, all right, well, what do you want to do then? And I said nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Nada, zero, zilch. Big L, right in my forehead. Okay, I want to do nothing. Like an overpaid free agent,

dozen of playoffs. I want to do what they do. Nothing. And that's what I've been doing. You know, she took the kids out and everything, but I'm going to go meet up with them because I was like, listen, I mean, I want to hang out and not do anything, but I want you guys to leave. I love you guys. I was actually playing with my son this morning, man. I had such a blast with him. He doesn't know how to say my name, but the second he sees me, he goes, ball, ball, ball, because he knows, he knows it's going down. He knows the energy is going up and he gets excited. So, this morning I was rolling the ball to him and he was laying on his side and he actually decided that he was going to kick the ball laying sideways, telling you this kid is coordinated. This is not

the ramblings of an overly proud dad whose head overheels in love with his son. I'm telling you, this kid has got skills. He's going to make all the dreams I couldn't come true. No pressure, son. No. My daughter now can like throw and catch ridiculously. We have so much fun and I'm telling you, that's part of, you got to teach your kids how to do shit. And not only do shit, you got to teach them with both hands, right? Righty, lefty, switch hit, the whole fucking thing. You just turn into a game. They learn how to do shit. They have confidence, especially for the girls too, because that fucking bullshit, where they just stand around and watch boys do stuff. You know, I don't want, you know, my wife wasn't like that. She told me when she was a kid,

when she was in, she wasn't that kind, you know, she's like, I'm going to stand around and watch boys play in sports. I'm going to go do shit. Jesus, that's what I'm married. It has its finer points, you know, the ups and downs. Oh, Jesus. So I've just been chilling out. I started watching yet another movie. I found this website. I'll give it to you. It's called Collider.com, C-O-L-L. Was that Collider? I'm so dumb. I have no idea. C-O-L-L-I-D-E-R.com. And it has what does this have here? It had all of these. Let me get to the top here. 33 great 70s films that time forgot. There's some fucking crazy ones. I just started to watch the first one that's on the list. No, not the first one. The second one. Investigation of a citizen above suspicion,

which is weird because it seems like the whole movie was like, they dubbed in the dialogue afterwards, like they lost all the sound. I don't know what's going on. I mean, everything's in Italian as far as like the credits go, but it looks like the way their lips are moving is that they're speaking English, but maybe the English was so bad that they just had some fucking English actors, English speaking people dub them in. I don't know what, but I am enjoying it so far. But I saw a fucking movie that all of you right now, you need to stop, you need to neglect your family, and you need to sit down right now. If you are a fan of fucking Dustin Hoffman, Harry Dean Stanton, Gary Busey, and Jake Busey, who I worked with a long time ago,

his first acting role ever literally plays Gary Busey's son in this incredible fucking movie called Straight Time, which I'm going to look this up right now so I get this story right. It was basically Dustin Hoffman, oh, Teresa Russell is unbelievable in it, Emmett Walsh, all of these great character actors, and Edward Bunker, who's actually the, he was doing Time, I think in San Quentin, I'm not sure, but he wrote this book about what it was like to do time and get out of jail and all that stuff, I guess. I never read the book, but Dustin Hoffman read the book, fell in love with it, wanted to do this movie. The movie came together, Edward Bunker is in it, if you recognize that name,

it's because Quentin Tarantino evidently is a big fan of the movie Straight Time, and when he did Reservoir Dogs, Edward Bunker, who wrote the book that Straight Time is based on, played one of the Reservoir Dogs, who unfortunately for his character gets killed, spoiler alert, Jesus Christ, the movie's only been out for fucking 30 years in the robbery, so they all tie together, and did I already talk about this? I feel like I already talked about this. I think I talked about it on the last podcast, sorry, I've just been so fucking busy, but if you didn't miss my last podcast, definitely go check it out, or maybe I was talking to DeRosa about it. Dude, Harry Dean Stanton is just amazing in that movie. When you meet his

character, the situation that he's involved in, you just got to check the thing out. Kathy Bates, one of her first movies, she's in it, it's just a really gritty, incredible, I don't think I've ever seen Dustin Hoffman play a character like this guy, and it also takes place in LA in the 70s, so it has all those fucking cars that I love, and just takes me back to this fucking time where my life was simple, most people's lives weren't. Speaking of that, speaking of that, a buddy of mine who did some work on my old truck, he found this old four-door LTD, an original owner, or maybe the second owner, but the car is all original, except listen to this shit, it's a 1970, it has a second gas tank in the trunk that was added after, obviously aftermarket,

put this thing in there because of the gas shortage in the early 70s, and they never took it out and they still have it. How fucking cool is that? That reminds me, when you watch the Jay Leno's Garage, literally I would say at least 30% of your love for whatever vehicle is the story, I mean you gotta love the way the car looks and everything, but if it's got the great story on top of it, how fucking cool is that? Now that's literally, that is a statement of just what the car went through, where this country was at, and the bullshit of the gas shortage, because here we are 50 fucking years later, I remember those lines, that's how old I am, and the speed limit just kept coming down and down to 55 miles an hour, and I was talking to

my grandfather at the time going like, you know, go by the time I learned I drive the speed limit, it's going to be like 30, and he was smoking a pipe, he's like, oh no, no son, it's not going to come down that far. But also, but there was talk about how there wasn't going to be any more, we were running out of gas, and there was this big panic by people sitting in those lines that they, that then that became all of those fucking horrible, at least the American ones were fucking horrible, it's really a bad time for cars for America from sort of the mid 70s until, I mean, you know, a major portion of the 80s, then I feel like we came back in the 90s, but that was a really dark, dark fucking time with the Chevy Chevette, the Ford Escort, the Pontiac

T1000s, the fucking sunbirds, the Cadillac went down to like the size of a fucking, a Ford Fairmont, it was just bad, the whole fucking thing, the ugly, those Dodge K cars that saved Chrysler, I mean, now like people go and buy them because they're like the fucking ugliest cars ever, and there's just something funny about them to see. I love the one that had the wood siding on it, I want to say Doug Stanhope had one of those when he was out here in LA, because everything he does is fucking hilarious, even the car he buys was hilarious. But anyway, so this movie, you got to see it straight time, it's on Amazon Prime, and they have like all of these, these amazing, amazing movies, and I watched this other movie

called Images, which I can't remember if I told you that about Robert Altman, one of his first ones, it's about a woman slowly losing her fucking mind, and that's another good one too, so that's it. All right, well Billy Sinifile now, huh? What happened to me? What happened to me? I'll tell you what happened to me, last night I went out, like Saturday night is my night with my wife, Friday night was for the girlfriend, Saturday night was for the wife, what was that? It was a, it was fucking, good fellas, I know it was Friday nights for the wives, and then Saturday night was for the girlfriends, it's like Jesus Christ, maybe if you had a stay at home wife she could be excited, but still she worked all,

she worked all day with the fucking kids, I guess she would on Saturday too, I don't know. Fucking take her out Friday, all right sweetheart, I'm going out Saturday, you wearing a nicer suit, what's going on with you? So anyway, we go out on Saturday nights, say that happened because of the pandemic, I mean I'm a stand-up comedian, I never had a date night ever on Saturday night, and you know, ever, even before I was a comedian because I was a fucking loser, couldn't get a girlfriend, I was not a loser, I was an abused child who was introverted, there you go, put it on society. No, I was getting, I had fucking orange hair, all right, it was an absolute freak, I looked like Bernie from room 222, all right, the deck was stacked against

me, all right, I was like the fucking New Orleans pelicans, you know, if you could put that franchise in a, in a, into a man, it would be me in my early 20s, those poor fucking people, they're on their way to losing Zion, he's already bitching, they're on the right fucking pieces, they don't get the fucking money, unbelievable, it's not fucking believable, that's how they run it, people seem to enjoy it, so anyway, speaking of that, so last night we ended up going out, we had, we had such a fucking great time, now that I'm not an angry lunatic who like all of his fucking bullshit from 30 years ago comes up every time somebody cuts him off in traffic, and which would just instantly ruin the night, so I don't do that shit anymore,

and we just had this easy fucking night, it was amazing, and you know, I like writing ideas and shit, Neil always has good ideas for like TV shows, and we always like kick them around, so we were hanging out, and she goes, hey, she goes, you want to go to a cigar bar, you know, we'll kick this idea around, you know, we have a cigar, I'll fucking hang out or whatever, and I'm just like, absolutely, this is like the perfect night, we just had a great meal, you know, and so we went out, went to the cigar bar, and I come walking in, and lo and behold, game seven, fourth quarter of the Brooklyn Nets versus Milwaukee Bugs is on, I'm like, holy shit, you know, I'm a hockey guy, I mean, I know, I knew I was missing the Islanders

game, but I came walking in, and everybody in like the place was fucking, you know, it was intense in a cigar bar kind of way, you know what I mean, and everybody was going nuts, and I'm just thinking like, all right, I know Milwaukee's keeping it close, but like, you know, they got all these fucking superstars, you know, and then I saw Kyrie Irving, Irving wasn't playing game seven because he twisted his ankle, which is fucking hilarious if you watch hockey, I twisted my ankle, I can't be there for you on game seven, sorry guys, he was walking around fine, his street close, but anyway, so I watched the game, and I gotta tell you something, man, Kevin Durant, you know, I'm done giving that guy shit for fucking piling on with the Warriors,

that guy is a fucking reptile, just ice water in his veins, and when he hit that fucking, what I thought was a three pointer, my dumb ass, I thought they were up at that point, I thought he had iced the game, my fucking eyes are going, I was like, oh, is it a tie scored? He's looking at me, I actually watched that, and when they cut to his mother, I remember thinking like, what does that gotta feel like to see your son do that at that level, it's just gotta be unbelievable, I can't believe that's my kid, so they go into overtime, and I'm just looking at the Milwaukee Bucks, and I'm like, this game is over, they already lost, people laugh and go, no, come on, the games keep going, oh, they quit, they quit, they're like, you know what you're

talking about, I go, listen, I've quit enough in life to know what it looks like, right, I was killing, I was killing in that, I killed so hard in that fucking cigar bar, I didn't even have to go to a set next door, because I was saying, yeah, maybe I can jump on, just do a little time, whatever, I fucking got so many goddamn laughs, having such a good time, watching that amazing, amazing, amazing game, and I don't know man, I was wrong, I've been so fucking wrong, maybe you guys have always known that about me, but I'm sort of discovering how much I've been wrong about fucking so much shit here in sports lately, I think now that I got the kids, I just, I just don't have enough time to pay attention, because I did not see this Islanders run coming,

I did not see this Canadians run coming, I didn't see any of this shit, and I thought, you know, you look at the fucking Brooklyn Nets with all those superstars and all that shit, I'm like, they got it, I don't give a fuck if one of them's hurt, and the other guy fucking has a fucking ingrown toenail, or whatever the hell the problem, you got a hamstring problem, you know, this bucks don't have enough firepower to beat this team, and lo and behold, they ended up, they ended up winning, I just had so much fun, and it was kind of cool that my wife was there too, she's like, wow man, this is like really, this is a good time, I'm like, yeah man, sports, get into it, Jesus Christ, watch something, you know, she's social, she's social, so if she's

just home with me, you know, she takes me for granted, I'm like that lamp in the corner every morning, you wake up and there it is, after a while you stop seeing it, so, you know, it takes a bunch of other guys flipping out for her to get fucking, oh shit, you know, this is the thing, yes, yes, this is the thing, so congratulations to the Milwaukee Bucks, all the fans, of course, a bunch of new fans, because anytime you have a run, there's a bunch of new fans, but all the hardcore Milwaukee Bucks fans, all the way back to Sidney Montcray still waiting for your first fucking NBA championship since fucking 19, so I'm gonna say 71, when Lual Cinder, let's see if I look, if I look, let's see if I'm right, Milwaukee Bucks NBA championship, I'm gonna say 71, 71, 71, bam!

Here's one for you, I left this long message on a buddy of mine's phone, where, you know, I was thinking about the Toronto Maple Leafs and their 54-year drought, which is really interesting, 54 years, now if you're a hockey fan, then 54 should stick out, especially if you're a ranger fan, that was how long their drought lasted and they were considered cursed, they went from 1940 to 1994, 54 years without letting Lord Stanley, right? Now what's crazy about that is that that was 27 years ago, and 27 years ago when they won their first cup in 54 years, the Tampa, uh, Tampa Bay, the Toronto Maple Leafs were 27 years into their drought, and no one was saying that they were cursed because Detroit had still not won and neither had Chicago,

Detroit had one since like the mid 50s, Chicago had one since 60 or 61, so let's talk droughts here, I think droughts are overrated and curses and all of that type of shit, I think there has to be, like, now that there's so many fucking, like I understand why the the the red socks were considered cursed, um, I mean obviously they went 86 years, but also it's like dude, you guys weren't winning champ, red socks were not winning championships when there was like 12 teams in the league, um, so I understand them getting shit like that, and I guess you can still give it, I guess the Maple Leafs haven't won since the expansion six where they went from six to 12, there's still no excuse for what the fuck has happened with those guys, however, if you really

look at the numbers, you know, if there's 30 teams, all it takes is about four or five of them to go on a run, and once they start winning like multiple championships, it becomes like the Michael Jordan thing where all of those, you know, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, um, what's his fucking name there on the on the Portland Trailblazes from Houston? Ah, fuck, what the fuck, Clyde, Clyde Drexler, all of those great Dominique Wilkins, all of those guys who never won championships become maybe maybe Dominique, Dominique sort of overlapped the Larry Bird era in Magic Johnson, but like all of those people who didn't win is totally understandable, like even with the NBA in the in the in the 80s, it was basically the Lakers in the Celtics, Sixers got one,

and then you went into the Pistons era where they went back to back, and then it was like the fucking Chicago Bulls, Houston went in two. So you're talking about from 1980 to 1998, 18 NBA titles up for grabs, the Lakers, the Celtics, the Sixers, the Pistons, the Bulls, and the Rockets, six teams got all 18 of those. So right there, there goes two fucking deck, and then then along comes the Spurs that are going to grab five, and then along comes the Pylon Lakers that are going to grab five, right? Then all of a sudden you're in a fucking drought. That's how easy it happens. So but I don't think it's like as bad as it sucks for the fans, but it's not as like, God, how the fuck do you go 50 fucking years without winning? Easy, there's 30 teams,

all you need is like four or five of them to win like five, there's half that time, and it's fucking over. So let's look at since 1967, since the last time the Leafs won it. As far as off the top of my head, the Canadians have won 10. They won 68, 69, 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79, that's eight right there, then they won an 86, and then 93. There's 10, there goes a decade. So now you're down to 44 fucking years. All right, off their 54 year curse. Then who's next? The Edmonton Oilers won five, 84, 85, 87, 88, 90. All right, there's 15 years in, Islanders won four. Let's see, how many of the Penguins, I'm gonna have to look this up. Penguins won two with Mario,

and then I think three, yeah, so they've won five. So that's five, 10, 14, plus the Canadians 10, then the Devils won like three, the Red Wings won four, there's another seven that are out the fucking window. Like I don't even know how many teams have even like, it's really hard is what I'm saying for like the St. Louis Blues. I mean, for them to go 50 something years to finally fucking win it, I guess I kind of understand why they won it the way they did. It's just like, listen, we're not gonna win it playing hockey. Let's just fucking run the gold tender and punch the better players in the face till they're fucking injured and then we'll win the series. Fuck you, Blues. Sorry. The Capitals, who else was like a one and doneer? Calgary got one in 89.

Yeah, so I'm just saying it's very easy. That was a long, long fucking way to go to say that it's really easy to get into a fucking drought. That's all I'm saying people. So lay off these fucking coaches. Okay, it's very difficult. I'll tell you what else is difficult is for me to sit there and understand how like, I really thought like, okay, the Islanders got by the Bruins, that's sort of their cup. Tampa's the defending champions. I mean, I know it's 2-2. They did go up 2-1. I still think that they have an advantage in this series. But the thing about the Islanders is you have to play with the lead with those guys. And that also includes games. Like I don't see them going down 3-2 and winning that series. They have to win the next one.

And I would almost say win both of them. I think they need to run the table. I just, I'm saying it right now. I haven't watched 20 minutes of fucking hockey during the regular season. I watched more than that. I don't think the Tampa Bay Lightning win a game 7 against the Islanders. All right. And then the Canadians. All right, everyone, they're going to lose this round. They lose that. He's a good fucking team, the great coach. And they got a great fucking goaltender who finally has the people in front of him. And as they say, as they say, they got hot at the right time. So we shall see. I think the Canadians are going to take that fucking series. And you know something? The old me two podcasts ago was all pissed off about it. And

now it's like, Bill, why don't you just fucking enjoy this great coaching and this fucking really fun hockey? They're a fucking fun team to watch. I hate to say it. They are. They are. And whether I hate them or not is not going to affect whether they win or lose it. So I might as well just sit there and enjoy it. You know, I got wife and kids walking around the house. I'm going to be sitting downstairs like, Jesus fucking Christ, that's boring. Fucking boring. I'm not going to do that. I can't do that. I can't do that to people. I've done it enough. Congratulations to Mark, Mark is the king is back. Surprise, surprise. UFC reference. I missed the race. I'm going to watch it. I'm a member on MotoGP their website. I'm going to watch it. It's so fucking exciting

that he has come back and he makes everybody better. And the fact that, you know, I heard it was a great come from behind victory. He's behind in the points. It's just going to be, I'm calling it right now, even though I'm wrong about everything in sports now, it's going to be fucking insanity. Watching him trying to run down. Who was the guy who's, oh, he's forget his fucking name, Fabio Quattararo. I think he's leading the points. And now he's coming. All right. Like that Disney movie I only saw once, but everybody always makes a reference to the little fucking lion gets kicked out by the evil line. What were you saying? Fucking Fabio is the fucking evil. No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying it's like a Disney movie.

No, if it Disney movie, if the Disney movie made it, I don't want to do that. It's a bad joke now. Consider it. All right. Fuck that joke. All right. So what else? What else has been fun in my life? Oh, just continuing to go down my little country outlaw rabbit hole and just listening to more and more shit. And just continuing to play it in the car while I drive my daughter around wherever the hell we're going because she's on summer vacation now, which is fucking awesome. It's, you know, you know, it's cool about your daughter being on summer vacation. It's like you're on vacation too, because you don't have to get up, do her hair, and drive her to school. You get to chill out, you know, sleep in, make waffles around 9,930.

You know, it's still the end of a pandemic. I don't have anywhere to go. This is fucking great. I swear to God, man, if I could have just been a little bit smarter with my money and invest it, right? But where would you invest? You can't invest in real estate, a pandemic. These people can't pay their rent. So what are you going to charge them? You mean that guy kicks them out to do what? Who's going in there? Nobody has a job. You know, fucking rent out your building only to the scientists who came up with the vaccine that half the people don't want to take? No, you can't fucking do that. Yeah, I think I would retire. Yeah, I think I could fucking do it. I wouldn't retire, retire, but I just would be a local

comic. I would just do spots out here in LA, just be the local guy podcasting. I mean, I could fucking do it if I wanted to. Just start doing that old man diet, you know. Hey, I have a couple of fake noodles and some salty crackers for breakfast. You know, just start eating those little bird fucking meals that they and shuffle around the block. Oh my God. I'm not going to do it. But if I did, if I retired, I would start getting the newspaper delivered to my house. And every morning I'd start drinking coffee. I never drank coffee. I'd give a little fucking espresso or some shit, one of the cappuccino or something. You know, and I'd smoke a little fucking nub.

And I would do it. How great does that life sound? Retired. I love the idea of being all used up and nobody has any use for you anymore. It's fucking great. Nobody fucking gives a shit. The phone doesn't ring anymore. And you just fucking sit there reading the paper, just talking to yourself. You know, look at the headline. Jesus Christ. Look at this. What the fuck is going on with this country? You just just reading the stuff, falling asleep, waking up fucking ash on your t-shirt. All right. It's getting a little sad. But anyway, maybe I just need a vacation.

Vacation. I haven't done the road nowhere yet. All right. So yesterday is part of my pre, this part of my pre father's day, I went up and flew a helicopter and I went up to the airport where I was flying out of. And because of the June gloom and possibly a fire, visibility was below 10 miles. So basically instrument weather is anything three miles, statute miles or less visibility. So it was down to seven. So I'm like, well, fuck that. I don't fly unless it says one, zero. Clear day. That's what the fuck I'm all about. I'm not like these people that fly for a living who go, all right, we gotta figure out a way through this shit. I'm not doing that. So,

but I wanted to fly. So I just flew the pattern, which is you just take off either bang a right or a left, and then you fly parallel down the runway and you bang a right or a left and then you just come in low approach. You just do that for like an hour. And it's fun because it's actually, there's a lot of, you're working on most of your skills, taking off, landing, hovering, the speed you're supposed to be at, the altitude you're supposed to be at, all that and all that was a little bit rusty. So it was really fun to do that. And then it was fun too when I went into land, because what I was flying was a sort of a unique helicopter, a newer one. So there was some guy on the ground standing next to his helicopter and he was filming me. So he's filming

me as I'm coming in. And then there's a space, the pad where I'm landing it on is in between two helicopters, his and then another helicopter where they're already run up the engine. And this guy's filming me just because he likes the helicopter. Everybody's into what people are flying. So I'm like, okay, don't pay attention to the guy filming you. I got to set it on a fucking pad. And it was kind of fun. It was like, all right, this is like David Letterman sitting right there. No, just block it out, block that out, go out, do your fucking jokes. I kind of used those muscles and I was able to do the best job, but I was able to set it down. I act like a catcher where it was kind of a ball and I was acting like it was a strike. I was a little bit over to the

left. I wasn't too pleased with it, but it was good enough. It was great. When I got out and I looked at it, I said, I fucking hate myself. And I said, no, I don't. I'm done with that shit too, saying I fucking hate myself. So then I towed the thing back to the hangar and this little Honda four wheeler. And I was like, you know, I fuck this man. There's nobody around. It was just like nobody around. So I just fucking closed the hanger. I just cruised around the airport on that four wheeler running it through the gears. I'm just having a fucking great time thinking about how awesome my life is. And who knew who knew that night I was going to go out to go to a cigar bar and watch that game seven just had a fucking great day. So I don't know. Is this

weird for you guys? Maybe unhappy. I guarantee you I'm still going to be a fucking lunatic on stage because I did a set at the comedy store Thursday night. I did two of them and oh my God, I was having a good time. I was having a great fucking time and I didn't even gotten into because of short sets. I haven't even gotten into what the fuck I want to talk about in this hour and whatever this is going to be. So once again, I am really excited about this Vegas gig coming up. I'm doing some tune up shows around LA that will be announced soon where I'm doing full sets. All right, full contact karate comedy. I'll be doing around town and working this shit out. And I don't know what it's going to be. I'm going to figure it out.

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you can't be in the same room with another human being? Why don't you call a why don't you write into a bald freckled cunt who has no training whatsoever? You know see what he has to say about shit. All right things I should have said oh this is this I'll tell you right now this segment is blowing up. Things I should have said we've all been there. Something happens right? You're shocked the moment passes it's too late and then as you're driving home a year later two years later fucking on your death bed you're like you know what the fuck I should have said. I saw one of those moments I was watching my wife had on the Kardashians. I've just quit. I've tapped out I'm like the fucking Maple Leafs okay I'm up three games to one and I finally just said you know what

I'm not gonna I don't give a fuck. I'd like my summer vacation to begin now by just having not thinking and just let you just roll over me. So now I'm watching the fucking Kardashians and I gotta tell you something. The fucking American psycho looking dude Scott first of all I gotta respect that man's drinking game. He got shitfaced with one of the Kardashian brother. They were fucking pounded. Pounding drinks and he got absolutely hammered and he just went off the fucking rails and was doing like a stand-up set. Shitface just trashing everybody, trashing this woman. Hey sweetheart don't look at my cock. Look at his cock. He was out of his wearing a robe. He was out of his fucking mind. It was tremendous. It's tremendous. Until, until he was shitfaced that

night and he was telling this old waiter to shut the fuck up. He took a hundred dollar bill and stuffed it into his mouth and the waiter didn't swing on him. He didn't say anything you know he's a fucking working the Kardashian VIP thing. He's working his tip. He's probably thinking I got too much. I'm thinking I got too much to lose and that's the moment. The people who have nothing to fucking lose do not have you know what I should have said. They could have a segment going you know I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that right. So this fucking guy. So I really I had a ton of empathy for that guy. He's out there busting his ass and that fucking drunk asshole you know belittled him. The second I thought that I was like I know

exactly what that feels like. That guy getting that money stuffed in his fucking mouth. I know exactly what he's going to be. I should have. Why didn't I fucking punch him? It's going to make him hate himself. But we've all been there which is the purpose of this fucking segment. Things I should have said. Number one. Hey Billy bagpipe. I like that. That's a new one. I listened to the recent podcast and thought about and thought of the worst things I ever blurted out. Well that's that's that should be things I shouldn't have said. Jesus Christ you guys are like me. You don't even listen. All right I'll read it anyways. It was kind of funny years later but still pretty stupid. I was in high school in the early 2000. I was

heavily bullied. One day during math class an announcement was made that everyone from my gym class had to report to a lecture hall. I had no idea why and later found out it was because someone stole money. As I stood up to leave my math class and report to my lecture hall my annoying bully classmates started asking why and making jokes at my expense. I got sick of it and said we all bombed the school. Oh boy. I was pulled out of my next class after math by a social worker. She started asking me about my home life. Oh god that was your parents fault because of what I said. I explained that I was joking but she said it was a big deal and she would have to talk to my mom who was picking me up. I started crying. Oh god and then

you cried on top of it. These are the things these are the stories that all great men have. This is what we're all running from these moments. This is what we're compensating for. You started crying. I've been there because I was afraid of being grounded. I was in fact grounded for a month which is plenty of time to learn how to build a bomb. What are your parents thinking? The next day my principal told me I would either get a get three days in school suspension or five days out. I chose out. I liked that. I liked that decision. There you go. There you go. He said I was not getting an expulsion hearing because I had no past behavior issues. He was also like I also don't want to have to fucking you know look under my car every time I started up and change my routine

of how I go home. That's what the principal's thinking. If I said this now I probably would have been expelled. Definitely do not recommend saying the B word in a public place for any reason. I hope to catch you in a city near me soon. Okay people this is like things I should have said but if you want to say things I shouldn't have said we can do that segment too. I'm easy. I don't give a fuck. I'm watching the Kardashians. I don't give a shit anymore. I've completely sold up. All right number two. Dear Billy eats too much cake bitch tits burr. Well that was just you know too long to be funny but you know just enough detail to be mean. All right hey hi I am 28 year old male. Oh 28 years old was the last time I had abs and I'll tell you right where I lost

him. I went to that Carney hot dog fucking train car and I went in there somebody goes have you ever tried chili cheese fries and I said no I have not and I ate those fucking thing and my belly has been distended ever since but they were delicious. Speaking of which I went back there yesterday or two days ago because I was hungry I needed something quick and what's better than a hot dog quick right and they had the red baron. Oh freckles. Oh fire engine red freckles got the red baron was absolutely delicious. I got one it was perfect and shout out to them. All right anyway hi I'm a 28 year old male and I have a what I should have said story. A few years back I worked with the girl and because of the laws of proximity and horniness we started dating.

Both our jobs conveniently started ending at the same time so we were both looking for jobs at a similar time as well. I found a job pretty quickly while she went through interviews. Finally after a few months she found a pretty awesome job and they hired her good for her right. Well little did I know she would turn into a total cunt because power and psychopaths mix like coke and booze because she's mean a new guy at the job I'm guessing. Well we traded stories about our new job and she constantly won up me. She even would brag about how she was making more money right to my face. Oh god there we go that's a that's a great one. This is what feminists would say well you should be strong enough. You should be strong. It's like well if a guy was making more money than

you and he threw it in your face would you enjoy that. That's different. Why is that hairy leg fucking person because it happened to me. All right one day as the relationship was ending and I was finding self respect again. We were riding in the car and she was being cunty as usual. She blurted out I always tell my co-workers that if they ever need me my door is always open now. Now at the time I didn't really respond because I still wanted to bang her but this made me lose it on the inside. Literally as soon as she got out of the car and was out of earshot I said to myself well bitch you work in a fucking cubicle so you don't have much of a choice. It was just the last straw in a series of ridiculous bragging from her. Anyway I think

about that at least once a month. I kind of want to call her just to say it but fuck it water under the bridge I guess. Yeah dude it's it is that and you had a great line too. I mean dude if you did that right then and then broke up with her on top of that there's a reason why that happens in movies. Because it's a movie it's not real to fucking be able to do that in real time. I remember one time I was on this I think I've told this story before that's all my stories at this point when you do a podcast solo for the better part of fucking two decades. I did this this trip it was me my brother my grandmother at the time I know we were great grandkids okay she was alone at the time we said hey we're gonna go see the southwest why don't

you come along with us right so we take her to all the tourist sites during the day and at night me and my brother would go out and get ripped you know we had a great fucking time. So anyway we'll be brought her along Grand Canyon and all of that shit so one point we went into some fucking restaurant somewhere around the Grand Canyon and we went in there and there was some fucking waitress and she fucking hated her job and she was being it was so I look back to it now it was almost like an snl character and she was just going like she was like can I help you would you like anything to drink like she was to us like that right so finally it came around to me and I just go uh yeah can I get uh two eggs over easy uh some bacon and uh some toast she goes what kind of

toast and I go white toast right and it got real fucking quiet and she glared at me and I glared at it for half a second and then I looked away because I was like uh it's just gonna be I don't know why I fucking I bitched up I looked away but uh when she left I remember my grandmother was very proud of me she you know the old fucking you know lived through the depression grip grabbed my hand I go is that too much and she goes no to her her attitude is terrible oh her attitude is terrible because that was she came up in the time when the customer was always right but I'm not gonna lie to you man I kept my eye on her the whole time when she was making my toast to make sure she didn't fucking spit on it but that that's

the closest I think I ever came to in in in real before I became like a comedian um and I can do it on stage just because that's what you have to do I learned to do that but still off stage I still can't I still don't do it I still don't do it I can I can definitely like you know do a tirade of f bombs you know and then make whatever whatever the other person just did pale in comparison to whatever the fuck I just said I'm not talking about not being able to I've I've done that you know because of this time I can't even say what the fuck I said but I actually this guy I'm going to tell this story at some point I'm just going to tell the story but I have to tell it to someone who's gay what I said to this guy in a crosswalk

that I almost ran over because I didn't see him and I tried to apologize to him and he wouldn't have it uh whatever I'll tell that story someday all right number three hey billy see hey billy see through tits ah jesus christ I love it keep fat shaming me I'm on my way I already dropped fucking weight once you stop eating cake you know when you drink a smoothie just fucking you go for walks it melts away I thought I'd chime in on the passive aggressive cunt segment you got going on here a few years ago I got out of the navy and went to a bar in my hometown I hadn't been to it in years it was full of people I went to high school with and for the most part I got a pretty warm welcome however one guy wasn't so happy to see the attention I was getting there's always that guy

he was the rich kid at my school who never made it out of that town uh oh that's a tail that's his fucking longest year fucking I don't know what all right short of the long he sits down next to me loudly says so what exactly did you do over there referring to my time in the navy I replied with a short job description he replied with oh so nothing that important he smiled and looked around at the other people sitting at the bar in my drunken happiness to be home with friends and family I didn't catch the slight until days later uh the thoughts I have about that are criminal and luckily things happen the way they did thanks for the podcast and go fuck yourself I know dude you just carry that you just carry that I know what do you wish you would have said to that guy

oh so nothing that important yeah I mean I was inspired by what you've been doing with your life or something I'd say that stinks too what do you say to that guy I think you got to go Clint Eastwood just fucking knock them out right oh so nothing that important yeah I can't give you any of my old school responses because all those words you can't say anymore you get canceled now that's the way it is that is the way it is um all right so here we go the Montreal Canadians you know it's kind of funny though you know when you really think about it that the Montreal Canadians have been around as long as they have and Vegas is a new team but they've so

established themselves you've got to give it up to the Vegas Knights how much they've established themselves so quickly going to the NHL finals uh Stanley Cup finals I don't know whatever the first year was a couple two three years ago um was that against the uh capital someone to say yes it was 2018 um I don't know we will see we will see what happens but uh I was like everybody else going this is going to be Vegas and Tampa in the final and all of a sudden it's looking like is it going to be the Islanders and Canadians way back in the fucking day that the people that ended and then the Canadians could avenge the fact that the Islanders ended their almost decade-long dominance um of the NHL well they

sort of shared the dominance with Tampa Tampa with Toronto until 1967 I don't know all right guys I'm all alone in the house right now and I'm just starting to babble you know beyond what I usually do here on the podcast um so I came up a little bit short it's only 54 minutes but you know what god damn it it is fucking it is uh father's day ah fucking I'll tough it out I'll do another fucking five minutes for you all right you want to hear the music I've been I've been playing for my kid uh so I've been playing with Kingston Trio and some Glenn Campbell this this song called Gentle on My Mind and I kind of got into this song because I saw him there's a if you go on YouTube when you watch him play it live

and uh you see Willie Nelson and all these guys just sitting there watching him playing it's fucking amazing like um but the fucking lyrics it's a really sad song to the point I'm like is this like is this just me or is this song really fucking sad it's kind about this guy who has this chick that he really loves you know but he's always away and he's not near her but she's when he thinks of her she's always gentle on his mind which means he loves her so the whole fucking song I'm like when the what the fuck are you going all around everywhere why don't you go home to her and the song was making me sad and I realized like oh wait a minute this is what the fuck I did this is how I fucked up a bunch of relationships this is how like I you know this

is how fucked up I was as a kid when there was a girl that I liked rather than going over and saying hello and asking her out I just started fantasizing about me playing the electric guitar or something I fucking mean a comedian or I don't know what fucking running into a house fire I would just have these hero fantasies right and even in the hero fantasy I never talked to her she just saw me do what I did and then that was it I was a fucking mess so I'm just sitting there reading the lyrics oh this is the wrong song this is a song called dreams of the everyday housewife which if you want to know why the woman's movement ever happened just read those fucking lyrics Jesus Christ it's like a tribute to the woman who just gives up everything that she

ever had and now she's old and she's looking at old pictures of her when guys were all interested in her and now they're not now she's just a wrinkled housewife and she gave it all up for me and my dreams I mean there's there's a there's a you know as much as a dick as I am I it's not like I don't understand where all this fucking shit from the ladies is coming from oh jeep bill thank you for extending the olive branch you freckled con you're welcome all right his gentle on my mind let me read some of these sad fucking lyrics it's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk that makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag rolled up and stashed behind your couch so I'm like all right good he's settling down and it's no one I'm not

shackled by forgotten words and bonds and the ink stains that have dried upon some lines that keep you in the back roads by the rivers of my memory and keep you ever gentle on my mind so I'm like oh wait what the fuck the back roads of your memory no the back roads and by the rivers of your memory like she's in your past so I feel bad for this guy because it's like well stop fucking running around like a goddamn idiot and why don't you go to this person and you know why because he can't because he doesn't know how to love so instead he's when I walk around some railroad track and find that you're moving on the I just fucking got you know railroad tracks

where else is he and still might run in silence tears of joy might stay in my face this is when he's hammered thinking about how much he loves her mumbling saying all the shit he should have said to her but now he's saying it next to some fucking hobo in a campfire and the summer sun might burn me till I'm blind but not to where I cannot see you walking on the back roads by the rivers flowing gentle on my mind ah Jesus Christ and these songs will continue to be written until it's acceptable for a man to acknowledge that crying is actually a viable fucking emotion that you're supposed to use as opposed to fucking pushing it down and going playing a contact sport you know fucking you know I don't know beating the shit out of some fucking weaker kid who then

stands up and makes a bomb threat the fucking math class sorry it's all connected but anyway the song's called gentle on my mind by glen Campbell you should check it out and uh I don't know if you live in that life you know it's never too late to turn it around maybe you could go cheer up that fucking waitress in Arizona that I had 30 fucking you look at me I'm tying it all the loose ends up with 19 seconds to go I'm like the Milwaukee Bucks here you guys didn't think I was going to pull out a full hour well guess what I did that's it that's the Monday morning podcast go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on uh what is what is the day after Wednesday sorry I gotta make an hour it's uh Thursday bam I did an hour all right happy Father's Day everybody I'll see you