Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-22-15

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

Bill rambles about ball tanning, drunk babies and man pedicures.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday over there. It's June 22, 2015. And I am in Santa Rosa, Santa Rosa, where they makes the one, you know, they say California, Santa Rosa. And last night I performed, I don't even know, I can't remember the name of the venue. The Wells Fargo. Oh, ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is a, I can't even look it up on my website because my fucking website, the second I do the gig, it's like, go fuck yourself. It's over. That information no longer exists. Wait a second. Let me look me up here. Let me look me up. Oh, God, he's in his ego this week. Basically, I would give the fuck what the name of the thing was. The venue I played

last night was the venue George Carlin did his last standup special in. I thought someone told me that this was the place where he did his last show. It was the Wells Fargo center for the ads. This is the place where he did his recorded his last special. And his last performance was at the Orleans casino in Las Vegas. If you're a George Carlin, not like me. So last night I was, I was standing backstage and I don't know man, it was really fucking cool. It was such an amazing venue. It had like the lower level and then I had like this small upper deck that just wrapped around, you know, all three sides that I was looking out at. It looked like a minor league ballpark. And the crowd was, I could tell when Bartnick

went out there, they were, they were just a really smart crowd and have one of my best shows of the fucking tour. So I really want to thank everyone that came out last night and you know, it was a good time. I don't know who knows. I stayed on the up to like four in the morning with fucking Bartnick watching full metal jacket and drinking this wine because you know, we're in wine country. So they're just giving us this fucking wine and we're drinking it. And I have the worst goddamn hangover. I fucking, I appreciate wine, but wine should only be drank with like a good meal. You know what I mean? Somehow women can drink it. I don't know how the fuck they do it, you know, around four, four 30

when they really just can't deal with their fucking kids anymore. They just, you know, they pop in a DVD, you know, okay, go watch SpongeBob takes over fucking Japan, whatever the fuck they're doing, right? SpongeBob vs. Pokemon. Come on kids. You know, this is just sit out and then they just fucking did just start boozing, which I totally respect. I don't know how the fuck they do it though, man. It's a brutal hangover. So I'm like, the bus isn't we're not leaving until 11 in the morning. You know, so I stayed up to like four in the morning and then back in my head, it's like, well, I got to do my podcast. It's like, ah, don't big deal do it on the bus. I'll just fucking upload it. And it like

fucking 830 in the morning, the people staying in the room next to me, they had these two little kids, like real young, those fucking kids were up at the crack of dawn. And one of them was, you know, there's a door between my hotel room and the other one. And one of them with his little baby hand was just slapping the door, you know, talking gibberish, just slap, slap, but you can't get mad at a baby. You know what I mean? I mean, I guess some people do, you know, that doesn't usually end up well. I think babies are pretty much, they've yet to win in a fight with an adult, you know what I mean? They're like the 1977 fucking Tampa Bay Buccaneers that just went on 14. You know, I don't know what it is with

baby state. They really got to turn it around when they're fighting adults. They got to somehow, they got to change the culture, you know, in that nursery and somehow try to get out there and try and find a way to win. You know, because I'll say right now, you know, if they keep doing what they're doing, you know, they're never going to be an adult. You're like that. I went into, I went into Mike Golik there. Yeah, they could cry. So it's not fucking real. Just kids just fucking wake up and they, they don't even have to stretch. You know what I mean? Like before I get out of bed, I swear to God, if I just lay down and watch TV for 20 minutes, if I get out of bed, I feel like I haven't walked in nine years. Like I, before I get out

of bed, I literally have to take my fucking toes and point them at my knees and hold it there for like fucking like a good 30 seconds. Then I get up, I'm fine. If I don't do that, if I just get up and start walking, I do that, you know, you take that one and a half steps and you do that little fucking quick little like somebody just kicked you in the side of the leg, you go, oh, you know, and I have to stop, put my hands down on the mattress and then stretch out my fucking, whatever it is, my killies, kids just get up and run, man. You know, I swear to God, if I, is it illegal to get your baby drunk? You know, just so it'll sleep longer and when it wakes up, it's just gonna lay there like a shit, you know, fuck it. Let me just lay here. Let me just lay here for another 20

minutes. You know, that's what I would do. If I had a baby, I would just get it hammered. Big time. Drink up, you know, I put it right in this formula. Is that illegal? You know, I know you're not allowed to drink publicly until you're 18, but if you're with your parent or legal guardian, can't you get fucked up together? I'm seriously asking you that. You know, what if it's wine, you know, you make it sophisticated, like whatever, like, like if you have like one of those Gerber ones, if it's a lighter color, do you go with the white wine for the baby? And then if it's like one of those ones that has beets in it, you get them a red or is that redundant? Is that vulgar to have that two colors on top of each other? I have no idea. I have no idea. I'm not sophisticated, like, like you fucking wine drinkers.

You know, somebody's got to be doing, I know, obviously, I know that's fucking illegal, but somebody's out there's got to be doing it. You know, like Jesus Christ. It's like if you're a night owl, and your kid just wakes up at six in the morning, something has to give. You know, didn't they used to do that when babies were teething? They pour a little booze into their milk or something like that, or did they rub it right on their gums? You know, like the kids, some fucking cop trying to determine whether it's cocaine or not. You know, they always do that in the fucking TV shows and the movies, where they're like, like, what do you got there, Mike? And he goes, you know, he does a little, little tap, tap, tap, and he Christian, he's a, yeah, this is the real deal.

You know, he's crying. Poor thing. I never hear a baby cry, I just stop fucking, that always makes me laugh. I always just think like, you know what, dude, I hear you. I want to do that too. I wish I could still cry like that the way a baby does, just over little things. I think I wouldn't even be angry anymore. You just get it out of you. You know, if I go to turn on my phone and I find out that I didn't recharge at the night before, and it's completely dead, you know, rather than be like fucking goddamn fucking idiot, Bill. What if I just went. You just fucking cried it out. Oh my God, how much would your wife fucking freak out if you just started doing that? I wish I could do it for real, you know, just as a joke with me

and just tell her that I fucking, I'm reading this new book on crying it out and just see how long it could sustain it. I didn't think I could cry once. You'd just be like, what the fuck are you doing? You know what I mean? And then I would just cry more like, you know, a baby does when you yell at it. I don't know what it is. Babies just fucking make me laugh no matter what they're doing. Like you ever see those psychos like when you're on a fucking plane? I feel like I just keep going like, what if this happened? Like, did you ever have this happen? Like, why am I talking? I got to do it again. Instead of saying like, why am I talking as if I'm a seventh grade girl, chewing gum? You know why? Because I went to bed at like 430 in the morning.

That's why. So you're gonna have to deal with it. Oh, Billy, teeny bopper here this week. Whenever I'm on a fucking plane and a baby starts crying, I say, whenever I see people like those people who get angry, like they put on their fucking bows, noise canceling things. You know, I always feel like anybody who has the money to buy headphones that all they do is just block out the sound of other people. It's just like, there's only the only way you could do that is if you had like blood money. Who's got the money for bows fucking? They're like $300. And all they do is just block out people talking.

That actually sounds great. If I had a fucking pair of those on right now. Then I wouldn't hear those kids crying. I don't know what it is. No idea. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is happy Father's Day, everybody. Happy belated Father's Day. You know, did you get your dad a man great so he knows that you care? You know, man great is fucking hilarious. They just advertise once a year. Like your dad only wants steakhouse quality. Once a fucking once a year. That's it. You know, I called up a bunch of my friends who were dads. And I was just like, Hey, you know, happy Father's Day. What are you doing today? And they'd be like, Oh, you know, I'm working in the yard. Oh, you know, I'm fucking

I'm putting up a shelf or something. I'm like, no, what are you doing? You know, for your sort of birthday here. It's Father's Day. And every one of them just it was just one shitty thing after another. It's like none of you guys are going out to like a teddy bar. None of you are going to a ballgame. Just out in the fucking yard. I don't know what the I don't get that. You know, Mother's Day, don't you take her out for a little eggs Benedict? You get her some flowers. I feel bad for the dads out there. What could you do? You know, even if there's a steak, I mean, God knows you got to go out and go make it, right? Unless you're Paul Versey, Paul Versey doesn't fuck with his grill.

It's unreal. I went over his house one time. You know, we were having burgers, and he didn't even make him. You can't have that man. You can't have somebody else manning your fucking grill. I mean, what happens next, you know, see, you let a man come over your house and he cooks on your grill, and you're not cooking on it. I mean, within five minutes, he's going to be slow dancing with your wife. You can't have I don't even care. I don't even care if you suck at it. I mean, it's not that hard. Get good at it, right? Just make a couple of burgers, some hot dogs. Jesus Christ, Versey. It's funny is later on today. I'll be like, dude, did you say I didn't cook on my I don't I fucking cooked on my grill. No, you didn't. You didn't.

Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast as we're working our way through June. Me and Bart, Bart Nick is absolutely fucking destroying in front of me, man. It's great. It's making me have better sets because students bring in the heat. He's bringing the fire. He's just one of my favorite comics. I'm going to leave it that the fucking guy just his act is just so blunt. And even when he talks, he just gets right to it. And I can't even say half the shit he says because it's so fucking politically correct. But he talked to me about I forget when he's working someplace and some biker came in with all his biker buddies. And then one of them peeled off and wanted to go into this room. And Joe was like, yeah,

you can't go in here. And the guy was like, Oh, I can't go in there. And Joe just Joe has a way of like, you know, just get having a look on his face where all the emotion goes away. And it makes you fucking blood run cold. So he's telling the story. And he goes, the biker goes, Oh, I can't go in there. And then Joe just makes that face and goes, No, you can't go in there. And he said him and the biker guy were staring at each other. And then the biker dude back down. And he was just like, all I was thinking was, you know, hey, dude, I can go back to Pittsburgh and make pizzas while your pussy biker friends are putting you in the ground. I left out a couple of words of, Oh, my God, he said that shit. And I think I can't remember

the fuck we were was me and somebody else just were fucking crying, laughing. And Joe sitting there still dead pan like what, like he went into that mindset. I don't think I've ever thought I don't remember a time anybody threatened my life. But if they had that look on their face that Joe had, there's no fucking way I wouldn't I would back down to I'd be like, Oh, okay. See you later. Walking with my biker jacket over my forearm, like a gentleman, you know, Jesus Christ, people got tattoos in Northern California. My God. I saw this woman. She was so tatted up. She went all the way up her neck. And then like, you know, when they go beyond the neck, but not quite their face. What is that party of your face between your neck and your chin?

It's like the tante your face. You know, is that all I mean, your chin is that thing right in the front, right? Jesus Christ, Bill taking anatomy class. Oh, fuck you. What is it? What is the underneath there? Is that still part of the neck or is that part of the chin? What would you say? Oh, you put the gun right under his fucking chin. Yeah, I guess that's be a chin, right? I don't fucking know. Anyways, she was tatted right up to where if you had a cleft chin, it stopped there and right along her face too. You know, like when someone has a really neatly trimmed beard, it literally looked like she was slowly drowning in tattoos. Like if you stared at her long enough, it was going to move up another inch and she was going

to start panicking, worrying if she was still going to be able to breathe. You know what really is normal now is actually to have a tattoo on your face is not as shocking. The only time you used to see it was back in the day when you watch National Geographic and there's some tribe down in South America, they just draw all over each other's face. You know, worse than like prison tattoos, it looks like Morse code, you know, or like, what are the, you know, those things you had before there was the internet, you had crossword puzzles and mazes. Get through the maze and you drew like a pencil line. So they just like to draw a maze on their fucking face. I just saw a lot like chicks with just fucking giant pieces,

I believe them, they call them, all up and down their, their, their arms. It's like everybody out here plays in Good Charlotte or something. I don't, I don't understand it. They're great people. Good looking people too. Good looking broads up here in Northern California. I got to get you this. I know I'm all over the place. I don't give a fuck. I got to get you this, this picture of this guy who had a tattoo of his baby's face put on the side of his face and, and and like part of it like went in, covered up part of his ear, like where the, and then it was also really dark. I didn't get it. I mean, it was a white baby. It's like, why is this thing so dark? It was like, it looked like a baby that was like, if it was me as a baby, but for some, I don't know,

a kid stuck his head in the fireplace. It's like, just the worst. So where's fucking tattoo I've ever seen in my life? And this guy's going, check it out, man. Check out my new ink. Man, maybe look at this man puts tattoo. I saw it on Facebook. I love, I love Facebook, man. That's when you know you're old, when you like Facebook and all the kids look, look at Facebook. So lame. Good. Get out of here. You're fucking punk. I don't want you around here. Anyways, your dumb stories thinking you lived life. You haven't. All right, you're fucking dope. I'm actually that old. Now, when I look at people in their twenties, like college age kids, and I just think, God, what a bunch of fucking dopes watch when they drink the way they behave. I used to think I was a maniac.

Dude, I'm fucking crazy. It's like, no, I wasn't. I was some nerd who couldn't handle the freedom of not being around his parents anymore. It's experiencing that for the first time. Oh, I'm going to get drunk and jump off something so that chick over there thinks I'm funny or crazy. And then maybe she'll blow me like really, Bill, that was your game plan. All right, man puts tattoo of baby's face on his face. Probably like 20 different pictures of some dummy doing this. There it is. There it is. Yeah. And he's holding this baby. He's got a white baby. And this, this baby looks like, I don't know, it's weird. It looks like the baby is coming out of a fireplace. You know, face maybe a little on fire. What a fucking, why would you do that?

Where could that guy get? He couldn't even get a job in a fucking nursery. Like, look, look how much I love babies, but none of that in a sexual way. Jesus, I just yelled at and they have babies next door. Oh, they can't hear me. Of course they can hear you, Bill. Their kids aren't yelling that loud. You can hear them, right? Jesus. Well, this would be my evidence, right? If they came in. Why are you talking about, I can't remember what the fuck I just said. Oh, not in a sexual way. Why are you talking about babies in a sexual way? I'm like, no, I actually did a podcast officer here. Listen to it. And then he takes my device and just erases it. So some crooked cop. All right. I don't know what

the fuck I'm talking about here. We're about 19 minutes in. I think it's time to listen to Bill read out loud. What do you guys think? Huh? What do you think? All right. Hey, my batteries died. So I had to go to the front desk and go get some more batteries, battery level. Hi, that's what the recorder says because he has the English lady in there because it makes your device more classy. So this, uh, you know, lady Butler that's in my recorder kept going battery level, medium. So I'm thinking it's going to, you know, all right, well, I don't have to worry about anything until fucking Queen Elizabeth goes battery level low. And then I was going to buy batteries, but this shit went from battery level high to battery level, medium to just shutting off.

You know what I mean? That's like when somebody, you know, just gets divorced out of fucking nowhere. You're like, I thought they were getting along great. Not a nowhere. We just, we decided to go our separate ways. Did you? Well, that's good. Good for you. Good on you. All right. So anyways, let's get to the, uh, let's listen to me read out loud. Oh, here we go. Me undies, me undies. I gotta sing this quietly because there's fucking kids next door. Me undies, me undies, put them on your fucking whore. If your balls are wet, they won't be anymore because you put on this shit and, uh, you're going out the door. Your balls are swinging from left to right, but they feel real comfortable. Oh yeah. They even got them for your clam.

You know, me undies is actually using that no more sweaty balls. And people are like, are you getting money for that? Of course I'm not. Why would they pay me for that? You know, I'm singing like, uh, you can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant. I should be getting fucking sued by, uh, our little Guthrie, whoever wrote that fucking song. All right. 90% people, that's the percent of your life that you spend in your underwear, unless you're Matthew McConaughey. And then it's like 2%. I don't even think he has underwear. Are his balls sweaty? Who knows? He's got that goofy look on his face. Maybe they are. I don't know. I don't pretend to know about his scrotum.

I only know is I bet they're tanned up real nice. Oh shit. I bet you think anybody's putting any Botox in their ball bag yet to make it nice and smooth. Anyways, underwear gets old fast. You know that feeling of putting on old saggy underwear? You need to know the feeling of putting on great fitting underwear that's two times softer than cotton. I'm still waiting from the rebuttal from the cotton people. You need to know about meundies.com. Meundies has the most comfortable underwear you will ever try on. And it's insane how good they make your balls feel. They fit perfectly. Just cupping them. They don't ride up on you and they literally pull moisture gross away from your skin. So you stay cool.

I don't understand that. The purpose of sweating is to cool down your body. How about you don't feel bad because you don't have swamp ass? I guess that's a little grosser. All right. You say you stay cool. We'll go with that. But you know something, they also make you look great. Go to meundies.com and check out the photography. And for the ladies, check out those smoking hot boy shorts. But you have to try them on for yourself. This quality would typically, yeah, to see how they look on your ass as opposed to the models, right? Everybody has to do that. You know what I mean? It's like the guys Calvin Klein underwear with the dude on the package has the abs. And then you put it on, you got your fucking man muffin top going on. And you're like, well,

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It's like eating those fucking mince that you get only at the movies. All of me women's collection. I couldn't remember. I kept thinking juicy fruit. What the fuck's the name of those mince? You know, you have like three of them like these are delicious. And then you have seven you like, Oh my God, I want to kill myself. Junior mitts, right? A four piece line of undies designed specifically for the female body in all its complex, gorgeous as hell glories. But get that. But to get that 20% off, you have to go to meundies.com slash Burr. That's meundies.com slash Burr. Hey, how about a fucking standing ovation for meundies not having to say it three times? All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Some of you out there still have enjoyed Dollar Shave

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All right. What else did I want to talk about this week? By the way, that fucking horrible tragedy that douchebag shooting up the church, can somebody please explain to me? I don't understand this as a white person. Why are white people trying to act like that wasn't a racist act? I mean, did he have to have I'm a racist tattooed across this fucking forehead? What else? Why? I just hate when people fucking, they look at their race like it's a team. You know what I mean? It's like me when I defend Tom Brady and you guys all go, oh, if it was on the other fucking way, you know, Andrew Luck did it, you'd be shitting on him. Right? I'd like to think I wouldn't be, but people do that with like race. So because like they're saying this

racist white dude is racist, then somehow they're saying you're racist and not saying you're racist, you fucking moron. He's a racist and white people stop fucking acting like you don't know racist white people. You know that guy at the cookout who gets a couple beers in him and starts dropping the N word and then you gotta be Hey, take it easy. Come on. Come on. Ah, trying to have a good time here, right? That fucking guy and then hopefully you don't ever invite him again. Why are you acting like those fucking people don't exist? You know that that guy's a racist that you fucking cookout and all he did was drop the N word while he was eating a cheeseburger. This fucking guy went into that church specifically to kill black people because he hated black people. I mean,

what, what the fuck more do you need? There was like nine shows. If I had any hair left, I would have tore it out watching him going, what the fuck are you trying to defend? Sorry. None of that was funny, but it was fucking true. Anyways, getting back to the podcast here, I saw this article on Jesus, did I get rid of it? Where is it? There it is. This fucking guy who's it was evidently the 970th member of guns and roses. And I know even though I'm making fun of that fucking band, you know, I'm not even making fun of the band like the musicians think it's just the fact that they're still calling it guns and roses, right? That would be like if you bought McDonald's and you fired, you fired that fucking clown and you're still going, yeah, and you fired the grimace

and the hamburger, and you got Mayor McCheese, none of them were there anymore. But like, I don't know, the fucking one of them, one of the grimace stuck around. No, you know what Ronald McDonald did? Because Axel is a fucking redhead. And you're still acting like it's this band of brothers, whatever. So anyways, there's this article by the 9,000th guitarist and guitarist, the guy's DJ Ashba. And it says DJ Ashba guns and roses guitarist DJ Ashba claims his aunt and uncle invented technology for aerosol cans. All right, guns and roses and six AM Nikki Six's band guitarist DJ Ashba was interviewed by Sweetwater editorial director, Mitch Gallagher. Here's what he said, Ashba says who owns a company centered around media and advertising that runs various

other countries was asked what takes him in those directions. He responds now basically they wrote exactly what he said. So I'm going to maybe fuck up the emotion of this thing. But basically he said, you know, I don't know, I've always had that creative bone, my aunt and uncle invented the technology for aerosol cans. So ever since I was young dot dot dot, they came out with a product when I was really young called Pam. That's like a buttery spray. And I've always kind of grew up in that environment. I thought outside the box, and it really taught me that it's better to create your own job than to work nine to five. So that's what's always been my mindset. I just love creating. Ashba also talked about his belief that musicians should diversify and have a backup plan. He said,

I absolutely will always stand by that. If you put all your eggs in one baskets, all you got to do is drop them and they're going to break. And every one of them will break. But the whole thing dot dot dot. And I've learned this from six a.m. bandmate Nikki six. It's like you set up buckets, you set up buckets, little incomes coming in there, there, there, there, there. And as a whole, that's how you, you know, with this one, Jesus Christ, this is getting difficult. If three buckets are doing well this month, but the other ones are, you're going to be fine. So it's diversifying. But if you put all your eggs in one bucket, and you have five months of, you know, things are going that well that could spill all your eggs, right? Now what the fucking guy said in there,

I'm telling you is the key to freedom and making your money work for yourself. So I'm looking at the comments and everybody's just shitting on them. Next thing you know, he'll be telling us the invented whippets. Somebody wrote so the fuck what, I guess that's some new cool way of saying what the fuck. And somebody wrote any invented huffing aerosol cans. I would like to salute Auntie and Uncle Ashba for making it possible for me to get high on the cheap during my turbulent and troublesome teen years, buy a real shirt. So as and an uncle are responsible for the deaths of countless insects for screwing up the ozone layer and even worse for all the horrible hairstyles of the 80s. Congrats. Someone writes this guy is the ultimate poser. It's everybody just shits

all over him. Now I don't think he really fucking meant aerosol. I think he just invented Pam. I don't know what, but in the middle of all that, he said some brilliant shit about how this guy's made it as a guitarist, right? But then he's starting these business on the side with the money that he's made. So if the next album doesn't do well, his business is doing well. And there's this thing. And, you know, I found being a comedian, people always say that, Hey, you know, if you have a fucking backup plan, you're not going to go 100% as a comedian. And I kind of bought into that after, you know, you know, early on, but the reality is, is you can make all this money as a comedian as a guitarist is whatever you're doing. But then you can take that money and start other

shit. You know, I got this stupid ass podcast, I got some money coming in from the fucking advertising, I do my standup, I got money coming in from that. And now I'm looking at, okay, maybe I'll take this money and go buy an apartment building and become a fucking slumlord. And then when I'm in like 70, if I own enough of those fucking things, I don't have to go on the road or people are just like, Oh, he's fed old freckles fuck, he's been talking about the same shit for 50 years, fuck him. And I go back down to playing in front of 30 people. I can still do it because I love it, but I won't become destitute. And this guy is like giving you this information for fucking free. And everybody just shits all over him. I don't know. I found it really, really

inspiring. And a combination of that. And I also, I was reading this thing, I'm going to fuck up the guy's name. I think his name is Nick Offerman, that guy from that show. You know, where every parks and wrecks, the guy looks like an older Zach Alephanakis, you know, and he's funny, he's fucking hell. He does a lot of voiceover cartoon shit. Why don't you just look it up build, because you know what I got my fucking hands full right now, I'm holding the recorder and I got my phone. But he had this great article. And I'm going to read this to you guys here. It said, what is the best advice you ever received? And he said, I had this amazing teacher in college, my sensei in the Kabuki theater. And I thought that that was when the women, you know, fucking put

on the makeup, right? And they gave you a hand job in the end. I have no fucking idea. Anyways, name Shoso Sato, I probably fucked up his name. For me, he was between Mr. Miyagi and Obi-Wan Kenobi. He told me to always maintain the attitude of a student. No matter how old you are, wake up in the morning and think, okay, how am I going to better myself? Am I going to improve my French? Am I going to give my wife a good back rub? Then you can go to bed having tried something. It's led to a life that is more fruitful than if you have the mindset of being a master. Once you think you're the master, then you grow bitter waiting for someone to throw you a parade because you're so fucking smart. He didn't say fucking smart. But those two things right there, right there.

You know what I mean? I hope you got something out of that. I have no fucking idea. But that's the way you should go about it. If you play guitar, whatever the fuck you do, if you think that, yeah, dude, I'm the shit, then you stop growing. And then these young bucks run you down. I'm basically saying people that even though I can tell a shit joke at the level that I can, I never stopped trying to find a better way to tell that shit joke. What if I squatted down and really tried to take a shit on stage? I mean, those are the kinds of things. I'm making fun of it, but I've really got inspired by both of those things. So there you go. Now, I can't always be sitting here on the podcast screaming cunt, can I? All right, let's add, let's do some adding here.

I did 19 minutes and 17. 1917 is fucking 38 minutes. All right, I got another 22 here to go. All right, what the fuck was I did? I want to talk about here. Oh, so we went to Reno, the biggest little town in America. And that was one of the rowdy is fucking crowds I performed in front of in a long time. And it kind of surprised me because the last time I came to Reno, they weren't like that. But what happened was is we pulled in to Reno, which I fucking love that city, right? We pulled in. And we just see all these people in the street, they had closed off the street and we had to try to figure out how to get the bus around. And they had this festival out there. It was bruise, blues and bbq. They should have said bbqs, you know, like you're getting

more than one barbecue just so it rhymes bruise, blues and bbqs, but it was blue bruise, blues and bbq. And I swear to God, the shit show that was walking around out in the sun, the tattooed fucking shit show of people walking around hammered, you know, parents who let their fucking in-laws watch the kids and they're down there sunburned, booze and eating barbecue. Me and Bartonick immediately were just like, Oh, there's barbecue, we got to fucking go. And we go down there and people were fucking shitfaced, well on their way to getting shitfaced. I saw some lady in the sun, right sitting at this table with their head down. Like, you know, you know, when you came in from outdoor recess and everybody was all amped up from the sugar and salt, you'd put your body

stir in lunch, and you came in and the teacher would be like, All right, everybody put your heads down on the desk. Let's just take a little nap here. Let's fucking relax. So you're not bouncing off the walls. Is I try to teach you some phonics here. That's what she looked like. And she was, I mean, it was like two in the afternoon. So me and Bartonick are going like, All right, let's get some barbecue, took us forever to find out where it was. And then when we found it, it had this ridiculously long line. And Bartonick's looking at me going, Dude, I don't want to fucking stand in that line. And I was like, Yeah, fuck that, let's not stand. But then it seemed to be moving. So we were like, Fuck it. So we stood in the line. And the barbecue was unbelievable.

One of the best briskets I ever had. And I was sitting there going, All right, I've been eating right. I've been doing cardio every day. Let's just pick one meat. All right, either get the ribs to pull pork or the fucking brisket. And, you know, I was starving. So you know how that goes. You get up there and your brain is telling you, you know, just get the pulled pork or just get the ribs, you know, but the demon, the sugar salt demon that's running through your veins goes get all three. And who do you give into you give into the addiction. So I go, All right, let me get, let me get all three and some coleslaw and one of those little fucking jalapeno cornbread things. So we fucking, you know, I'm in front of Bartnick. I get all my shit and I get a lemonade. And I see

this table where there's two people already sitting there, but there's an umbrella and some shade. And you know, I'm a redhead. So I'm one degree away from a fucking albino. So I beeline towards that and I sit down. I said, Hey, do you guys mind if we sit here and this guy's like, you know, that cost you fucking eight bucks? That's crazy fucking laugh. And he's missing number eight. Okay, you got two teeth down front, eight and nine going from right to left. He was missing number eight. No, I'm sorry, number nine. He was facing me. Sorry, this is my dental office days. And I didn't give a fuck. I was just, I rolled with their jokes. You know, I was like, all right, man, I'll give it to you in a check. He goes, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's only

six bucks. Fucking crazy laugh, missing a tooth. And at that point, Bartnick sits down and he's got that I'm going to murder a biker look on his face. And he just looks at me and he goes, and they're like trying to joke with him and he completely ignores them. And he looks at me and he goes, there's a tent over there. And I go, Oh, oh yeah. And because now it's all awkward, because he's not interacting with these people who are hammered, telling the worst jokes ever. And I'm pretending like they're funny. And Joe goes, there's a tent right over there. And I just go, Oh, you want to go sit over there instead? And he goes, yeah. And he stands up. And I had like a little kid just go, okay, guys, see you. And I walked over there. I start laughing. I go,

Jesus Christ. And he goes, and he just goes, Bartnick does this thing where he just sort of puts his hand up one of his hands up. He goes, dude, I want to enjoy my meal. Okay, I don't want to sit there. Talk to that. What did he call it? Methi or something like that with this missing tooth? I just want to sit here and enjoy it. And then we sat down at this other fucking table. And it was actually great. We actually where we sat. There was like a breeze and all this thing. And the fucking barbecue was delicious. And I looked across the parking lot. And there was this little coffee shop, little tiny coffee shop. Look like there was enough room in there for someone to stand and

have a coffee maker. It's a little coffee shop. And you know, it was called, it was called Pony Expresso. And my wife loves wordplay. So immediately I took a picture of it. And I called her up, you know, and I've been on the road for a little while. So she gets a little grumpy when I'm going that long, which is funny. Because when I get home, then she gets grumpy when I'm home for five days. I'm a really annoying person is what I'm trying to tell you. So I called her up. And I told her that joke and she fucking lost it. I don't know why she loves wordplay. But it's my one of my favorite things to do is when I see some dumb wordplay business sign, I call her up. And every once in a while, something gets her and she likes horses,

and she thinks Pony is acute. And she just thought it was the cutest name ever. And she fucking laughs for like five minutes, making me laugh as I'm sitting there devouring the barbecue. It might have been the best moment of the tour. So anyways, you think having done stand up for 23 fucking years, I would have done the math and realized that this sunburn tattooed missing tooth shit show that was already drinking four hours before my show was going to start. Some of them, some of those animals were going to fucking come into the show. It never dawned on me. And I went out on stage. It was one of those things as a comic, you come walking out on stage, and you just feel the vibe. Like, all right, why do I feel like I'm in a saloon in the 1800s? And I think I said

one thing and somebody yelled from the to the left, I don't know if that stage left or stage right, I never know how the fuck that works. And just right out of the gate, I said, Jesus Christ, I didn't get a fucking word out. So I riffed something about how they had this person had horrible parents. And that's why this person was behaving this way. And and then that was basically the end of the show, I had engaged with them. So now it just became a totally interactive experience. It was actually a really fun show. I do a couple of jokes, and then I just have to have a conversation with a drunk. There was actually a guy in the crowd who got kicked out. And he wasn't with anybody else. He was by himself. Like he was he was basically the best drinker of all of his friends

is what I figured out. Because somebody just I'm in the middle of my joke and somebody just yelled security, security. And they immediately made a beeline over. And I see them grabbing this guy to, you know, escort him out. And usually at that point, there's either at least one other person with them screaming that it was bullshit. And there wasn't. He walked out by himself. And there was just one empty chair. And I think that's when I finally put it together. And I was like, Oh, okay, now I get it. You guys are the guys that I saw drinking six hours ago out on the street and everybody laughed. It was one of those crowds that would laugh at the jokes. But they would really laugh when I would snap and tell them how fucking drunk and how much they're not paying attention,

then they would really laugh. But hopefully it was still a good show. There was a few people that was like, Oh, I wish I could have saw him from the sober crowd. So I kind of felt bad about some of that shit. But I don't know, it reminded me of my days when I was working my way up as a comedian. And just watching somebody go on in front of you having a deal with the crowd. But they weren't like Bartonik like a seasoned vet. So they were able to handle it like they were a new comic like I was. And you would watch them going up just person after person, just bombing. And you'd be just thinking like, Oh my God, Oh my God, and you just try to come up with a game plan. What am I going to do? What joke am I going to open with? What am I going

to say to that guy? That guy says anything to me? Like back then I used to I used to have to plan out shit that I was going to say, rather than just go with the frustration of the moment in the moment. And when you'd go up there, if you bomb to you just go home so fucking defeated and angry, but if you actually won, if you actually turn the room around, it was just the greatest fucking feeling. Like you felt like, I don't know, you felt like you wouldn't you were on point of some platoon. And somehow you didn't get fucking whacked. I don't know. I don't want to talk about here. So anyways, this is like big time wine country out here. And we played bouncing back here old ADD bill here. We played that theater last night. And it was just some of the greatest fucking people

backstage. I've been with like our bus driver ran into somebody else that he knew back when he used to, I guess I didn't know our bus driver used to drive the almond brothers. And I should have known he did because he was fucking cool as shit. And if you get a cool bus driver, those guys work all the time, we get some fucking weirdo, you know what I mean? They used to drive like, you know, I don't know, Millie Vanilla or some shit, right? So him and the other guys are just sitting there and we're hanging out and they had this unbelievably gorgeous long dining room table. And it was one of those modern rustic is what they call it was built from wood from an old ship. And then and then the legs were made out of metal. And the table was just indestructible.

And what I loved about it is when you have a table like that, you can spill shit on it, you can literally use it as a cutting board if you wanted to. And, you know, I should give you guys the name of that fucking place. I guess they're expensive as fucking hell. But I've been looking for a dining room table because we have this awful just round one. We got it from our neighbors. And then we paid this guy to refinish it. And my wife because she's so fucking creative had these this design carved into it. That was the same design of this panel thing that was at our wedding. She had Jesus Christ. I just realized there's no way she's getting rid of that table. So well, I guess I'm not buying a table from these fucking people. But if you guys would like

a really great fucking table, coca's deco is it's co k s di ko, I believe. And they're in Santa Rosa, California. And they make tables all different sizes. This was like what I loved about this table was it was big enough that an entire band could come in. Because there's a lot of music acts that played at this venue could just come in and everybody could sit down, granted if they still got along. And these people like they had this unbelievable spread. And they had glasses of wine and cheese and all that just giving you the whole experience. Because most of times, you know, you're traveling, you don't get to have the experience like I wanted to go to bizarre guitar and gun shop. And I just didn't have the time to get over there. After I went over to

get the barbecue, you know, eat a bunch of barbecue, your body just was just like, All right, shutting down now dealing with what you just put like, you just put so much fucked up shit into your body. There's not enough energy left to keep you awake. So your body's just like, All right, powering down, you know, it's like when you put your laptop on sleep mode, like that's what your body does to you. Like if that's why, you know, black people call it the itis. I don't know why people call it, you know, whatever the fuck it is. It's like, I learned that from Charlie Murphy. I told this story before I got to tell it again. Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings, we were on a tour called the rich bitch tour. And that was from when Don L. Don L was the guy that did that.

I'm rich, bitch, that would scream at the end of the chappelle show. So you know, they used to always just sit there breaking balls, breaking balls, breaking balls, you know, making fun of my clothes and all that type of shit. And it was the worst in the morning, you know what I mean? Because I'd be wake up, you know, hung over or whatever. And these guys were like a couple of kids, they just woke up like we like they weren't drinking with me the night before. I don't say taking multi vitamins or what, right? So one day I was just fucking, I didn't want to deal with it. And we had this long drive from Chicago all the way up to like Mount Vernon. I don't even fucking Mount Vernon is New York. I can't remember some way

like it was like a two hour drive. And I knew that they were going to be loud and breaking my balls. And I went extra hard. I didn't want to deal with it. And I was standing out there. We had this fucking car service, right? This old ass limo. I remember that. Are there any new limos? By the way, they were always fucking old as shit. This old ass fucking literally looked like the thing was from like the 80s, this old town car, right? And I'm standing there going, oh my God, I don't want to deal with these guys are going to be loud as shit. And I looked down the street, I saw Popeyes. And I was just like, fuck this, because they had taught me about the ideas because Donnell was eating so bad. Donnell was literally buying hot dogs at like gas stations

and he'd eat them. And within fucking five minutes, he would be asleep, like his body would just power down dealing with the poison he just put in. So I went down the street, went in there and got this giant bucket of Popeyes chicken with fucking mashed potatoes and biscuits. And they came walking out. I was like, Hey, guys, I got us some food. They were like, Oh, all right, man, thanks, thanks. And they start eating it. And I'm just sitting there nursing like one drum stick. And they ate that shit. And like within fucking 20 minutes, they were both passed out. And I just sat there with a fucking shitty and grin and just wrote in total silence up to fucking whatever the fuck we were going. So there you go. If you're ever in a car,

and you got a loud friend or something like that, a legal way to drug them is you just get some really bad fast food because it's poison. It's just all trans fats. Well, I am my own selfish way. I poisoned two really good friends of mine. I temporarily poisoned them so I could just sit there, you know, and enjoy myself as I wrote up, you know what I mean? And is it slightly racist that I went and got a bucket of chicken for two African Americans? In defense of me, it's the first one that I saw. It was the first thing that I saw. I don't fucking know. Anyways, moving on, what are we up to here? 32, 32 and 1951 minutes. Oh, we're closing in on it there. Oh, Jesus Christ. I am. Oh, Jesus Christ. I haven't even done the fucking

letters for this week. I'm out of it. I'm out of it here. Where the hell did it go? Is this them? All right, let's let's let's let's listen to me read out loud one last time here. Legal Zoom, everybody. You know, there's a lot of great reasons. Smart business people trust Legal Zoom. For starters, if you want to incorporate form an LLC or nonprofit, file a patent, a trademark, get a DBA, whatever that is, and more. Legal Zoom provides the help you need over the past decade, more than a million business owners just like you have started with Legal Zoom. But did you know that Legal Zoom is also your first stop when you need advice from an attorney? Oh, yeah. Legal Zoom is not a law firm. So they built a network of independent attorneys in most states to provide

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watched the end of the U.S. Open and watch that poor bastard putting for eagle? He's with Wayne Gretzky's daughter. Wayne Gretzky is in the crowd. A man who has his name on the cup four times, a man who is a champion. And you saw Gretzky had a big smile on his face like, yeah, buddy, here we go. You sink this fucker. You go top shelf with this thing. It was a long putt and the guy didn't, he didn't sink it. So it's like, all right, whatever. And then he had a three foot putt and I had to leave. I had to run out to go do my show and I shut off the TV, assuming he was going to sink the three foot putt and then there was going to be a playoff that I could watch, you know, before my show. I guess it would have been today. They would have played

like a whole nother round of golf or some shit. I guess is how it works. So I shut the TV off. Thank God I did. And as I'm going out, I was, I was going out to, to, to the bus, my phone starts blowing up and people were some, Verzi wrote, oh my God, that just made me sick. And I thought at first they were talking about, they were talking about the, you know, him missing the, the, the eagle putt, right? I got this message from a buddy of mine. He wrote, holy fucking shit. That's just awful. What does Gretzky say there? And I wrote back, did he miss the birdie putt too? And he just wrote, yes, like 20 fucking s's. He just lost. And I wrote, oh no. He said, miss the three footer coming back up, unreal,

all time putting choke. It's shocking. Did you see? And I wrote, I'm so glad I missed the second miss. I ran out to the car to go over to the show. I assume he'd hit it and I'd watch the playoff. And then I wrote, golf is fucking devastating. And he wrote playoff at us open as 18 holes on Monday for you. People are really into golf. Golf is absolutely emotionally fucking, emotionally fucking devastating. I still don't think it's a sport. It's the most devastating fucking activity. Like the first masters I ever sat down and watched wire to wire, I watched Kenny Perry fall apart on 17 and 18 and then go to the playoffs and fucking lose to that, that cool ass Argentinian dude. I just, I just, I can't get over

how fucking devastating. What kills me is this, it's just a complete mind fuck. It's the biggest mind fuck out there. I believe in that kid though, even though he missed those two things, I believe that kid's a stud. He's going to come back and I feel bad that everyone's going to say he's a big fucking choker and all that. Like they've ever dealt with any sort of pressure like that. So whatever his fucking name is, I'm not into golf. I got empathy for you. I believe in you. You're going to be back and it's only going to make you stronger. And just the fact that he could actually just not break down into tears right there on national television. He probably did later on that night and there's nothing wrong with that.

I would have just, when I missed it, I would have just let not even like through my club down. I would have just let go of it. You know, that's even worse. That's when you're devastated. When you can't even make your muscles work anymore. You're so sad. You can't even, you can't even hold anything. You just let go. You'll be fucking hilarious and you don't even finish your putt. You just fucking kick it with your foot. I don't give a fuck. You just, you have to be carried off. Like, you remember when James Brown would do that thing and they'd bring the fucking coat over to him? Like they have to do that except it's a little golf poncho and the golf umbrella. And they're just bringing you in

as somebody's patting you on the chest. Like, come on, Bill, come on. I would have done that. So just the fact that he could, he had to walk out in front of all those people with their heads high and you know, they were all looking at him in some way. A lot of them were loving it because they never made it to a us open. So, uh, I don't know, just the fact that he was fucking in there. Verzi actually wrote that was so devastating. The guy who won didn't even enjoy it. Oh my god, it was, it's one of the most brutal fucking things. You know, it was right up there with watching the Seahawks throw the ball and have it get intercepted. But at least then, like the devastation of that, it's spread across 40 men. You know what I mean? Who can be all

devastated together as opposed to golf? It's just you by yourself. There's no defense trying to pick the ball off or guess what you're doing jumping around. It's just you in three feet of grass. Another one of my buddies was shitting on the fucking what the golf course looked like. He goes, dude, that golf course looks like my backyard. I hated it at first, but after a while, I kind of liked it. I thought it was kind of a badass course, man. It looked like they stopped in the middle of a war and decided to play 18 holes because they had like the gallery that were in like these, look like these ruins, these buildings or some shit that have been torn up. Anyways, let's get to the questions here for the week. Bill, where are all the John Waynes? This is from a lady.

Hello, Bill. I'm a big fan. I hope this gets to you. Me and my husband take the drive from Austin to Houston, visiting his dad in the hospital quite often. Oh man, that's sad. I hope he gets better. I don't know. I hope there's something in there that's better. I just made me sad. Anyways, the drive can feel long, but we cut in cut it in half with your podcast. Oh, there we go. We get good laughs and we don't have to talk to each other. I'm ready to get your opinion. I may be wrong, but I'm open to hear what you think. I wanted to have a pedicure on my birthday. I dragged my husband with me. It is the best place to get a foot and calf massage. He's never had a pedicure, so I wanted for him to experience it with me. He was not a fan. He didn't feel like

his feet were being touched by another, what? He didn't like his feet being touched by another man. Oh God. Another man giving you a calf massage. Oh Jesus Christ. When is this month going to end? My God, the uncomfortableness of this month. Jesus Christ. He thinks women try to emasculate men by having them get waxed, spray tan, and have pedicures. He's always referencing men in Hollywood by saying, where are all the John Wayne's? I wasn't trying to emasculate him, but to give him a new experience and hope that he would enjoy a little relaxation. He wasn't into it. Tell me if you get pedicures and if you enjoy them, you're great. Go fuck yourself. No, I don't get pedicures. This is the thing. Men are not allowed to enjoy any sensual experience

unless it's with the female. Women can just sit there and let another woman touch their feet and massage their calves and be like, oh my God, that feels so good. Thank you, Stacey. We're not allowed to. The thing about it is guys, we're like, when I picture guys, remember those old square TVs that you had? That's like what a guy is physically. We're just like these blocks, you know, and we're just like, we're not like that. I'm getting grossed out. This is just gross. And maybe I'm fucking immature, but no, you know something? I think, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, this is what we need, Nia, because she'll fucking soften what I'm going to say here. What the fuck are you doing to your man here?

Don't you want that guy to see fucking red the second anybody an intruder comes in? You're killing that off of him. He's just going to grab some fucking lamp and start smashing it over somebody's fucking head if they come into your house. He's getting a calf massage and getting his toes fucking painted. What are you doing to him? You're rehabbing a pit bull here for no fucking reason. He's fine the way he is. Oh my God. You know something? I think one time I did get a pedicure. I get when I was on the fucking rich bitch tour, you know something? Black dudes will get manicures. They'll get manicures. I think it was a manicure. Did I even get it? I know I got a pedicure one time. I think I was with Nia.

I think I blocked it out. Yeah, I think we were in New York. I got a pedicure and then the lady was rubbing my calves and all it did was make me want to get a fucking, you know, a happy ending. It was just like, yeah, keep going, keep going, skip the thighs, get to the finish line. I don't know. I don't really even remember the experience. I just remember I did it because she asked me to do it and I did it and I remember laughing. I remember being really immature and when I dipped my feet into the fucking water, it just was making me laugh. I was like, I almost lost control of myself because it was just something that was so fucking foreign to me. And then the more I laughed, the more Nia was laughing and she just kept laughing going,

what? It's nice. It's nice. And I just kept laughing going, what are you doing to me? And then afterwards, I don't know, but I will say afterwards, my toes nails were as clean as they've ever fucking been. But, you know, I'll, you know, I'll just get one of those fucking 50 cent scrub brushes. I'll just say, can you leave them alone? You know what I mean? You can, you can, I understand you're trying to like give them a nice experience, but like, that can go a little too far. And next thing you know, you're wondering what happened to the man you married, or maybe you're not, maybe you're more involved. I don't know. Maybe women are more involved. I don't fucking know. Don't ask me those questions. I feel gross right now. All right,

please explain this to me. Caitlyn Jenner is receiving an award at the Espe's for her courage, which is apparently the greatest thing ever. What they don't tell you is the person who won't be receiving the award now is Lauren Hill, the girl who was diagnosed, diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. But Lauren Hill, the singer, she played her first game. Oh, so this is, has the same name. She played her first game for her college basketball game after a diagnosis. I saw this, I saw this fucking story. And for months to come, she raised over a million dollars for cancer research. She died a couple of months later. So please explain to me why a guy chopping his dick off is more courageous than standing up to cancer. You know, I'll tell you why, because

you know what? At the end of the day, it's show business. That's why it's fucking show business. I know somebody that writes on that show, and I know of something that happened that I can't say. And someone was in the truck flipping out that it was going on too long. And all they were thinking about was, you know, going like this is the worst fucking moment in my life. Because this person up there, I'm not even going to say what it was, but it's just it's fucking show business. That's why. So they're probably going like, Oh, do we want to bring the room down? Or maybe like, well, they always have something about somebody dying on that show. The touching moment, you know what I mean? But then they're thinking, Oh, Caitlyn Jenner is really hot right now. Has the high Q

rating or something like that, that'll give us more. I don't know what why, why, why, I don't understand what that award is. I can see if Caitlyn just went out and won another decathlon. Like they kind of given basically they're giving it to Bruce Jenner in a way the way they gave fucking Martin Scorsese the Oscar for the departed, because they fucked up on Raging Bull. They didn't give it to him for fucking good fellas. They owed it to him. So I think they owed Bruce Jenner a fucking airspeak. They never gave it to him. It's like, fuck, we waited too long because now Bruce is Caitlyn. Well, maybe we can give it to her and she can give it to him through a brain. I don't fucking know. I don't produce shows. And by that last fucking horrific answer, you can

understand why. All right, the age of technology. Dear Billy Bombsite, I'm an open miker in a semi small city and don't really expect to get much attention in this place. That's a great place to start. Don't videotape yourself and get better. Well, videotape yourself but don't upload it onto YouTube and get you get real good then move to a better city with more exposure and then become a monster. Anyways, I recently found out that someone at an open mic was recording video of everyone set off fuck and put all the captured content onto their social network page, including mine. When I found out that my shitty undeveloped open miking was on the internet, I was furious as you should have been and contacted the individual that posted it. They have since taken most of the

content down, but I had a long argument about this situation with a different person. They argued in defense of this lady by saying, this is the world we live in now. You were in a public place and that gave her the right to record you. The worst that happens is that you say something stupid and you get publicity for it. Any publicity is good publicity. All right, you know what that person's going to be a fucking hack. He said, my argument is basically that if she earns any money from my content, then I have a right to be pissed off. I also feel very uneasy thinking about the possibility of saying something stupid about a current event and getting flack on Twitter just because I thought it was funny and no one else did. Yeah, and you're also brand new to comedy and

you should be allowed to make mistakes. With the recent popularity of the app Periscope and hearing you bitch a little bit about it, I would like to hear your opinion on this argument. Thanks and go shag yourself. PS, you still have fans in Nebraska. Yeah, no, I'm 100% agreement with you. You should be allowed to develop as an open micro, but you can't get mad at the lady like they don't understand that what they're doing could be detrimental. And it is the world that we live in because people do do that, but you are right. And I don't understand why everybody feels like they have to videotape every fucking moment of their lives now. It's all like, it's almost like they're campaigning for this office of, Hey, I have the coolest life, like always taking a selfie.

Like, you know, this is me at old faithful, you know, it's so what I'm supposed to look at like, wow, this guy fucking goes everywhere. You know what I mean? I don't, I don't understand it. I mean, I guess I do that. Don't I do that? I took a picture of me and what wasn't a selfie, but me and Bartnick when we were in Reno with that iconic sign. I don't know, but I wish people wouldn't do it at live events, especially when there's jokes, because the new jokes become old jokes. But I think that's going to end because they're now coming out with these, these businesses popping up for entertainers where they're going to block people's cell phones during the performance, which is just pretty awesome, I think, if it's like up to the artist, although I'm also guilty

because I watch all this shit that people videotape the Stevie Ray Vaughn and that type of thing. Then you get to enjoy the performance, but you know, I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say that you're not at your Stevie Ray Vaughn level of being a standup yet and be nice if you could be allowed to develop. People have recorded my shows and whenever I reach out to them on YouTube, they always take them down. I never get mad at them. I understand that they're not in the business and they don't get what they're doing actually hurts me on some level. So just deal with it, whatever, fuck that dude who's, hey, this is the world we live in. You know, those people who don't get mad that the government can record all your phone conversations

and just like, well, hey, you know, if you're not doing anything wrong, what's the problem? Those fucking people. Anyways, I gotta, I gotta wrap this up here because I gotta be on the bus in 10 minutes. Now, roommates lady wants to move in. Hey, Billy Bob, ginger tits. Jesus Christ, enough with the redhead jokes. Can you guys go with something new? It's getting fucking boring here. My roommate of five years has this new lady who is cool, but off the bat seems kind of manipulative. He told me that she's getting kicked out of her place and she wants to move into our two-bedroom apartment in New York City, which isn't that big as you would know for three months. She wants to move there for three months. The rent would be split three ways. They're planning on moving in

together after she stays for three months. Do I accept the cheaper rent or tell her to take a hike? By the way, they've been dating for six months. You rule, go fuck yourself. No, that manipulative cunt is going to end up convincing her boyfriend. You're going to be the guy who's going to leave because she's not going to leave. They're going to ask you to leave and you're like, fuck you, I'm not leaving. And then it's going to be two against one and your life's going to be miserable. Do not on any level allow her to move in. Say this is a two-bedroom apartment. This is for two people, not for three. It affects my quality of life. There's not enough money in the fucking universe for me to compromise my quality of life. So no, that's it. No. And you

stand by that and fuck him. Okay. And fuck her. And then that's it. And you won't have to deal with that situation. And with any luck, he'll fucking move out and you'll get another roommate and you won't be involved in that situation. Then you'll have more power because then you'll have been there longer than the other person. All right. That is one of the easiest questions ever. Do not on any level let her move in six months in your codependent fucking pussy. You'll fuck yourself. Oh my God. And then now you got to wait. You're gonna have to wait 10 times longer to go into the bathroom because not only do you have another roommate, it's a woman and they take for fucking ever because they fucking got to put on all that clown makeup and

shit. All right, I'm done. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.